Composure, Class, Character, Concentration.

If you show all of these attributes, the chances are

that you’ll win the game. On Saturday, we showed all of them twice and richly deserve our six
points.

The game was nearly called off and oh, how Clapham wish it had been! Shorn of a regular
goalkeeper, Mike Gowland went in between the sticks and had absolutely nothing to do other
than pick up a clean sheet and look calm and composed.

Si Taylor was a last minute addition to the game, now that it had been moved within a reasonable
distance of home and how lucky we were to have the formidable left-back in the team, launching
into tackles with wild abandon and doing everything that could be hoped for. James Perkins,
dependable as ever, joined the redoubtable Chris Little at centre-back. Rob Attreed was at right
back and showed poise and endeavour both in defence and attack. We can only hope that he
enjoyed himself so much that he’ll join us permanently.

The midfield was a heady combination of power and passing; Jake Davey’s dynamism was
harnessed to Chris Lock’s cool head and accurate passing. Jimmy Mellor caused damage like a
tornado down the right and Amish Patel, as sober as a judge, was dominant on the left, charging
down on their trembling right back again and again.

Up front, I was joined by Kaka, whose touch and strength deserve their own section in the
Hallowed Annals of Football.

Rob Cumber was on the sideline mercilessly mocking each false touch with braying laugh and
rapier wit. It was as if he channelled the spirit of Oscar Wilde himself with his pointed jibes.

The gentle slope and the biting wind was with us the first half and we were encamped on the
opposition third. Chris and Jake were all over our hapless opponents, controlling the midfield. Any
rare long ball that did escape the wind to carry to the defence was dealt with with aplomb by the
back four, who swatted away the opposition attacks as if they were mere trifles. The opposition
defence were having no such respite. I was passed the ball by Chris and as it bounced I turned
and flicked it over the defender’s head into the onrushing path of Amish, who rampaged into the
area like a Viking into a northern village. The ball wouldn’t quite sit for him, however, and the
opposition managed to hack it away for a corner. From the corner, they escaped their half before
a strong tackle from Chris put paid to that and worked us a chance down the right, with Jimmy
Mellor driving beyond the full back to cross. The ball was blocked, and we had a throw in. We
bombarded the opposition’s goal. Did we fire six shots, or only five? In all the excitement, I kind of
lost track myself. Rob Attreed, marauding forward from right back, was fed in inside the area and
chipped a cross across the face of goal, only for the ball’s journey to be curtailed by an
outstretched defensive hand. The referee gave the penalty and Kaka crashed the ball down the
middle. The keeper did well to get out of the way; it would, like a .44 Magnum, have blown his
head clean off.

The early goal settled any nerves we may have had and caused the opposition nothing but worry.
They couldn’t clear the ball and Jake pressed on to join the attacks at every opportunity, flashing
a shot just wide from outside the box. Chris Lock was marshalling the movement of the team and
was the fulcrum of everything we did. It was he who won the ball and slipped it to James, who,
tired of defending drove forwards, causing panic in the opposition ranks. I darted inside and
James slipped the ball into the gap to Amish, who had left his man floundering far from the action,
and he walloped the ball home at the near post to make it 2-0. Two became three after great work
from a throw in. Si threw it long, Amish won the flick, I battled to the ball and worked it to Kaka,
who rolled it into Jake’s advancing path and he applied the cultured finish to make it 3-0.

The second half was full of changes for SCB. Shao Gee Tang came on at right back, with Rob
moving to centre midfield. I went in goal, Kaka and Mike went for a rest, and Jake and Dave
Goldman were up front. We had roared into a healthy lead, and now the mission was to keep it.
The wind and the pitch were against us, but we battled forwards. Shao Gee joined the back four
and looked as if he’d never been away, tackling and tracking tenaciously. Dave up front was no
less energetic, if a little less fortunate. I was too far away to see it perfectly, but it looked like he
was deceived with the goal at his mercy by a cruel spin off the keeper’s hands, as he parried
away Jake’s shot.

There was no such danger of Amish being deceived. Jimmy Mellor, quietly superb as ever,
worked himself some space and Amish the ball and it was lashed home high and hard.

At 4-0 we were cruising and it showed. Tackles which would have been won were lost, passed
that would have been zipped were prodded and sprints became trundles and we saved energy
with one eye on the second game. The slope and wind were against us and many a booming
long ball was launched down the pitch. Fortunately Chris Little was in fine fettle, lustily chopping
down strikers and heading the ball back whence it came. James was adjudged to have handled
the ball right on the edge of the box, but I was equal to the fine free kick. I was called into action
seconds later to dive low to my left to keep away a shot, but the control we had was wavering.
Chris Lock was given a well-earned rest for Gav Redknapp, who put himself about with great
gusto. A long throw from the right caused us troubles in the box and we couldn’t the ball away.
Sadly for us, it dropped to their man on the edge of the box and he curled the ball high past my
despairing dive into the corner. I got my fingers to it, but couldn’t keep it out. We could have
crumbled at this point but we sorted ourselves out. Jimmy Mellor latched onto a loose ball after
James’ forward ball was only half cleared and beat the keeper, who was out of position, with sang
froid. They managed to get one back right at the death as I was beaten at my near post, to my
eternal shame, but we were comfortable and saw out a fine 5-2 victory.

Minutes later, we took to the field again, like the English in 1066 after the Battle of Stamford
Bridge. The opposition looked stiffened, as if they believed they could get something from the
game, so it was vital that we finished them off as soon as possible. Si Taylor went in goal, Kaka
and I were back up top; Shao Gee was off, nursing an injured ankle, with Amish returning to left
back. Ade Shitta made a glorious return to right back, calling “Ah ha!” and thundering into tackles
at every opportunity. Jake and Chris Lock were in midfield with Dave on the left. Rob and Chris
Little were having a rest, Mike Gowland was on the right, Jimmy Mellor at the back and I think
that’s everyone.

Just as in the first game, we were rampant as the game began, seeking to ruthlessly snuff out all
hope of a comeback that may have been inspired by their consolation goals. However, we were
somewhat lacking in urgency and execution and couldn’t get a firm grip on the game. Whenever
we were in possession we were dangerous and this was exemplified by Chris Lock, who dribbled
mazily through the opposition and was inches away from applying a finish and throwing his hat
into the ring for the goal of the season competition. Like Edward Longshanks conquering the
Welsh, Chris was denied once, but was not to be again as he bombarded forward to dispossess
their right midfielder and burst into the box. I screamed for the ball in the middle, but Chris wanted
and found the top corner. Seconds later, Jake rushed forward with possession, delaying his pass
and setting my clear. I couldn’t control the ball and under some pressure poked the ball wide of
both the keeper and the post. James Perkins crossed the ball to the edge of the box and I
chested it round the defender before slashing a shot over and missed a header from a brilliant
corner from Kaka, whose crosses warmed the air around them, such was their pace. I thought my
head was going to come off.

Jake, clearly tired of me missing chances, changed his boots, received the ball from Ade,
interchanged with Mike and burst into the box. The keeper got something on the shot and as
Dave prepared to pounce the ball seemed to be spinning away from him. He got just enough
purchase this time and the covering defender was left helpless.

The score was 2-0 at half time and we could and should have been several further goals ahead.
The second half was full of adventure, end to end football and exhausted bodies. I can’t
remember the substitutions, but we had Chris and Rob in the centre of midfield and Jimmy Mellor
withdrew with injury, to be replaced by Chris Little.

Jake was up front with me and was causing all sorts of a kerfuffle at the back. He was speechless
at being given offside in a tight decision, but seconds later held off two challenges to get a shot
away. It was half blocked to me at the edge of the box and I drove the ball in powerfully, but the
keeper got his legs to the shot and deflected it to safety. The game had opened up and the ball
was flying from end to end with the tackles were flying in. Ade “Ah ha” Shitta tackles scared the
Living Daylights out of their left winger, and I sure he was thinking “I hope he doesn’t Take On
Me”. Several harsh challenges went unpunished, before Gav was booked for a shoulder to
shoulder challenge that was more robust than the referee rated. The booking didn’t put us off, as
we reacted with character. Rob Attreed, whose fitness is a testament to a life spent living in the
right way and doing lots of triathlons, was everywhere, and Chris Lock’s icy veins and cultured
play ensured we kept possession and the opposition at bay. Rob won the ball and played it
through to me and, as the keeper approached I slipped and lifted it over him. The ball arced in the
sky like the sun’s perfect parabola, dropping below the crossbar. I was more embarrassed than
joyous, but with that goal their heads went down and the result was assured.

Amish Patel danced forwards from left back like Taillefer the minstrel, beating men at will, playing
a one two with Dave Goldman and slipping the ball to me, who have deceived the offside trap. I
sent the keeper, Romario-like, and slotted it home to make it home.

We were 4-0 up and they were done. Then, disaster struck. Jake took a frightful knock to the
head and lost his senses for a bit, so we took him off as a precaution. Tragically, we had already
made all of our allotted substitutions, so we played on with ten. We were under a constant
barrage, and it took a glorious intervention from James to nick the ball away from a striker’s toe,
throwing himself at full stretch to repel the ball. Si from goal took man and ball and glory when a
striker was clear through. Minutes later, Si came out to punch a corner and got nothing but fresh
air, and in the melee they looked destined to score, but Amish threw himself in the way of the
goalbound shot to keep the clean sheet. Inevitably, we couldn’t hold out forever, and a cracking
shot, reminiscent of their goal in the first game, beat the full length dive to Si to make it 4-1.

Their goal galvanised us further. I was fouled in the centre circle and took it quickly to Iron Lungs
Attreed, who ran unchallenged into the opposition’s half until he was illegally stopped by a
combination of defender and goalkeeper. The referee showed mercy with his cards, simply
awarding a free kick. Dave, showing energy, pace and understanding, was like the Tazmanian
Devil with close control worked the ball out to the left, and I fizzed in a cross onto the very boot of
Mike Gowland, bursting (ie. standing offside, moaning) forward from the right, but his volley
lacked accuracy to go with technique and power. In the last moments, I held off a couple of
challenges after Ade, Mike, Chris and James had put together the best passing move of the
match, but my shot was blocked while destined for the bottom corner.

And so it finished 5-2 and 4-1, a glorious result for the mighty Green, Blue and White army. It
would have been very easy to throw a fixture such as that away, but we came away with a very
good 6 points, which, despite a bit of confusion at the results office, put us second in the league
on goal difference, with a game in hand an two games to play against the team residing in first.
We’ve showed that we have the quality; not we need to wed it to mental fortitude to push on and
win the league.