HEWLETT-PACKARD

Cause and effect of

Failed marriages
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Contents
Introduction........................................................................................................ 1
Research Statement.......................................................................................... 1
Poor boundaries.............................................................................................. 1
Selfishness....................................................................................................... 2
Being Judgemental............................................................................................. 2
Anger................................................................................................................. 2
Lack of emotional intimacy................................................................................. 3
Lack of affection.............................................................................................. 3
Communication................................................................................................ 3
Conclusion........................................................................................................... 3
References.......................................................................................................... 4

Introduction

Marriages are made in heaven but solemnised and in many cases broken on
earth! The coming together of two individuals and accepting each other as
partners for life is considered a happy and momentous event in the society we
live. This is the unit of the community, and the beginning of a family (Cherlin,
2009). However not all marriages are happy and utopian as we would have liked
them to be. There are conflicts and issues that lead towards a breakdown of trust
and finally the individuals separate. This is a sad event although sometimes it is
necessary. There are many reasons and situations that can lead to a failed
marriage and in this essay the discussion will focus on the major causes that
effect the breakdown of marriages

Research Statement
The old saying As you sow so shall you reap will be the central theme of this
research. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Everything that
happens or will happen is the cause or effect of some other thing that has
happened. This will be the statement for this essay. The focus will be the cause
and effect relationships which lead to failed relationships and in particular
marriages. The discussion will be supported by personal views and backed by
secondary research. Humans are social animals. We strive for companionship, be
it friends, family or partners.
The greatest punishment that can ever be given to a person is to keep him/her in
isolation, away from any form of social contact. The concept of marriage
developed with the evolution of man from being a hunter gatherer to a farmer.
Agriculture and community living gave rise to the concept of ownership which
later transformed into family and marriage. Although marriage is not restricted to
two individuals and in some societies marrying more than one partner (called
polygamy) is still practiced the focus will be on monogamous marriages. A
marriage as any other relationship or partnership is based on trust, love and
mutual happiness. There can be many reasons why the marriage between two
individuals might fail and the next paragraphs will discuss each in detail.
The major causes that lead to a failed marriage are the following:

Poor boundaries
Engaging in intimate conversations with another man or woman while being in a
relationship lead to clouded sense of judgement, triggers the imagination and

makes the person want to have illicit relationships. The communication

breakdown between the partners and the person loses interest in the other.
When interest is lost it leads to irritable behaviour towards each other and leads
to dissatisfaction in the relationship. The correct thing in this case would be to
confide to the partner and speak up openly about the issues and find a solution
mutually.

Selfishness
The responsibilities and the workload should be fairly distributed in a
relationship. The will to extend oneself to make life easy for the other also shows
how caring and concerned the person is for the partner. Placing the desires
ahead of the emotional need of the partner and responding only when the
situation is critical, convenient leads the partner to get dissatisfied and wanting
to leave the union. If this continues for a long time the unloved and uncared
spouse feels unwanted and being taken advantage of. When this sort of a
situation arrives the other partner tends to move away and satisfy the personal
needs and desires first and the relationship suffers. Selfishness breed other ill
effects like controlling behaviour, possessiveness, demands and abuse which are
further detrimental for the stability of the marriage (Hawkins, 2013).

Being Judgemental
Marriages require that the partners care for each other and accept each others
faults. They need to admire and appreciate each others qualities and provide
emotional support to each other. Constantly finding faults or bringing out
differences or being overly critical of the others ways will only bring more trouble
to the marriage. Criticism should be guarded in a relationship and it should be
constructive. The focus should be on explaining the anger and not expressing it.
Being judgemental of each and every minor issue will only lead to more conflicts.
The behaviour towards each other will also be harsh and disrespectful. These
perceived attacks on the personal attributes like character, intelligence and
personality will undermine the love and care for each other in the relationship
(Renne, 1970). The strong of retaliation and tit for tat kind of behaviour or a
tendency to withdraw and not react are equally harmful for the marriage. Both
lead the partner to believe that the other partner does not care. It then becomes
very difficult to love and give oneself completely to the other. This leads to a
very sad scenario for both the partners.

Anger
Anger can be very useful if it leads to a mature conversation and expression of a
desire to solve the issues mutually. However explosive and mindless anger can
lead to greater retaliation or withdrawal from the partner both of which hinder
effective communication. This is a greater concern when the need is to engage
emotionally as this causes detachment from each other. The feelings of injustice,
intimidation and abuse become predominant and lead to the desire of separating
(Schoebi, 2012).

Lack of emotional intimacy

The best marriages are the ones between people who are similar and understand
each other like they know themselves. They fulfil the emotional need of their
[partner by being understanding, accommodating and considerate. They share a
deep mutual understanding, empathy and care for each other. They value each
other a lot and give the space for individual freedom as the trust between them
is strong. If however this component is mission from the marriages then it
becomes very difficult to even stay with each other. There is intolerance towards
each other and the marriage goes into the doldrums.

Lack of affection
Love and sexual attraction is again a mainstay for a fulfilled marriage life. The
lack of any of the two can cause the marriage to breakdown. Love and affection
not only shown how much the partners value and want the other in their lives
but also binds the partners together. Fulfilment of sexual needs is again very
important part of marriage. Sex is just not a physical need but it also fulfils an
emotional need to be loved and cared for. A good healthy sex life is a sign of a
happy marriage and the deep involvement of each partner in the relationship
(Greil, 1997). The lack of sex in a marriage leads to the partners fulfilling their
desires outside marriage and more often than not breakdown of the bonding
between them.

Communication
A marriage will always entail conflicts, misunderstandings and angry outbursts.
No two individuals can be the same and hence conflicts are inevitable. The only
way to deal with these issues is to have proper communication. Mistakes happen
and even though it is very difficult to admit the best way is to admit t and explain

the reasons. This will lead to the partners understanding each other better and
being receptive to the wants and needs of the other. If communication breaks
down between the partners they should ask help either from a friend or a
counsellor but never withdraw or stop talking to each other. Lack of
communication leads to greater misunderstanding and doubts being created in
each others minds. The best way hence to avoid all thus is to speak up and
express. This shows trust in the partner and gives confidence too (Hager, 2013).

Conclusion
There are many theories as to why marriages fail as discussed above. The most
common ones can be classified into the following:

lack of communication,

commitment and compromise. These are valid reasons. If both the partners are
able to communicate clearly and avoid misunderstandings, compromise for the
sake of their relationship and are committed for the cause of their marriage t is
very difficult for the marriage to fail. The only way to build the three above
characteristics which foster a happy married life is faith and trust. These three
Cs are critical not just for a marriage but also for any other relationship. At any
point of conflict it should be remembered that the three Cs have to be
maintained if the desire is to stay together. Although there are many causes for
the breakdown of a marriages the ways to keep it healthy and stable are easy
and simple to follow.

References
Cherlin, A. (2009). Marriage, divorce, remarriage. Harvard University Press.
Greil, A. L. (1997). Infertility and psychological distress: a critical review of the literature.
Social science & medicine, 45(11), 1679-1704.
Hager, K. (2013). Dickens and the rise of divorce: the failed-marriage plot and the novel
tradition. Ashgate Publishing, Ltd..
Hawkins, A. J., Stanley, S. M., Cowan, P. A., Fincham, F. D., Beach, S. R., Cowan, C. P., ... &
Daire, A. P. (2013). A more optimistic perspective on government-supported marriage and
relationship education programs for lower income couples.
Renne, K. S. (1970). Correlates of dissatisfaction in marriage. Journal of Marriage and the
Family, 54-67.

Schoebi, D., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2012). Stability and change in the first 10
years of marriage: does commitment confer benefits beyond the effects of satisfaction?.
Journal of personality and social psychology, 102(4), 729.