Band 6 IELTS Sample Essay

Topic: Globalisation
The below essay is written by a Student
Many countries population made up of different cultures and ethnic groups. What are
the causes for this and is this positive or negative development.
Today, population in many countries around the world comprise of different cultures and
ethnic groups. Specially many developed counties due to many reasons. I believe that this
development has both positive as well as negative effects on countries prosperity and their
well being.
The main reason behind this multicultwralism is globalization. Due to the advancement in
technologies and communication, people in many countries move one place to another,
looking for better employment opportunities and searching for better lives. As a consequence
they ten to settle temporarily or permanently in new place. In addition to that, due to
economic pressure and instability of some countries, people are forced to move other
countries. For example due to civil war in African Countries, most people are being given
refugee status by many developed countries.
Nevertheless, this demograpghic trend brings many benefits to raced mixed countries. Firstly
it promotes different customs and practices. Such as new foods and fashions. For example; In
many western countries Asian foods are becoming populer these days. Secondly, this brings
lot of skills and talants which are not available in local countries, leading to rapid economic
growth. Further, multiculturalism also fostor cultural diversity and hence people become
open-minded and tolerant.
However, sometimes this situation has negative consequences to raced mixed countries.
Differences in religion and cultural values sometimes leading conflicts between different
ethnic groups. Which result social unrest and eventually impact on countries economy and
wellbeing. Finally, this also creates discrimination among different ethnic groups due to the
fact that one group are being treated poorly than other party leading to serious disaputes.
In conclusion, mixing up with different cultural and ethnic group, have more positive effects
than negative effects on development of raced mixed countries. But equality and justice
should be maintain, if society wants to move smoothly.

The below essay is Corrected by a Tutor

Today, population in many countries around the world comprise of different cultures and
ethnic groups. Specially Especially many developed counties due to many reasons. I believe
that this development has both positive as well as negative effects on countries prosperity and
their well being.

The main reason behind this multicultwralism multiculturalism is globalization. Due to the
advancement in technologies and communication, people in many countries move from one
place to another, looking for better employment opportunities and searching for better lives.
As a consequence they ten to settle temporarily or permanently in new place. In addition to
that, due to economic pressure and not instability of some countries, people are forced to
move other moving countries. For example due to civil war in African Countries, most
people are being given refugee status by many developed countries.
Nevertheless, this demographic trend brings many benefits to raced race mixed countries.
Firstly it promotes different customs and practices. Such as new foods and fashions. For
example; In many western countries Asian foods are becoming populer popular these days.
Secondly, this brings lot lots of skills and talants talents which are not available in local
countries, leading to rapid economic growth. Further, multiculturalism also fostor foster
cultural diversity and hence people may become open-minded and tolerant.
However, sometimes this situation has negative consequences to raced mixed countries on
multicultural societies. Differences in religion and cultural values might sometimes leading
to conflicts between different ethnic groups. Which and this may result in social unrest and
eventually impact on countries economy and wellbeing. Finally, this could also creates
discrimination among different ethnic groups due to the fact that one group are is being
treated poorly than other party leading to serious disaputes disputes.
In conclusion, mixing up with different cultural and ethnic group groups, have more positive
effects than negative effects on development of raced mixed countries. But equality and
justice should be maintain maintained, if society wants to move run smoothly.

Tutor Comments are:

TR 6/7 (1St paragraph needs better supporting ideas)

C+C 6/7 (Some sentences + ideas not well connected)

LR 7 (Good variety)

G 6/7 (Generally quite ideas + concise)