Monitoring Virtually.

Monitoring Through The Virtual World

Chee Hoe Foong
675551363
ESL 115 H
Jacqlyn Merchant
Fall 2014

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2
Analysis Portfolio

Engineering Activity 2

In the diagnostic test, several persuasive strategies were employed. One of them was
introducing real life examples. For some cases, usage of examples could enhance explanations
and allow readers to understand. However, not all the examples are true all the time. Due to time
constraint, examples are used instead of quoting reliable facts, research or even statistics.
Besides, appealing to emotion was also used in the essay. Simply because it is easier to relate to
the situation. With a relation to personal and real life experience, readers could further relate and
thus, agree upon what has been written.
There are some clear cut fallacies that will potentially jeopardize the essay that were
included. In this essay, hasty generalization was used frequently as compared to other fallacies.
For example, in this sentence Students tend to attack their peers verbally online instead of doing
it in real life., it was assumed that all students tend to attack people through online when the
statement is only applicable to a certain group of people. Besides that, missing premises also
appeared in the essay. The premise or the important link between sentences was missing in some
parts. This missing link caused two consecutive sentences makes no sense or sounded
inappropriate.

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In my opinion, the essay could be improved by avoiding usage of improper persuasive

devices and taking note of missing premises. It is essential that, writers decide on the right device
for his or her essay to show their understanding. The main aim of the process is to ensure that the
readers clearly capture and understand the information that the writer tries to convey in the essay.
The writing strategies could have been planned and carried out in better manners. In addition,
supporting facts or reliable research could have been included to support the arguments. This is
to increase the credibility of the essay and give proper credits to the author for their hard works.

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Engineering Activity 4

In my diagnostic essay, the introduction has certainly followed the right order and it
contains the required components. However, I strongly felt that there are still rooms for
improvements in my introduction. The introduction started off with a hook and it is embedded
within a number of sentences. Based on the materials in class, only a sufficient amount of
sentences needed to describe the hook. It becomes more draggy instead of reaching the original
purpose. Statistics, unusual facts or even quotations could be included to capture readers
attention. As it goes further, the essay becomes more specific. For the background information, I
do think that I have given a different opinion on the topic but it could have been more precise.
Lastly, the thesis statement is present but it definitely did not meet the requirements of being a
good and precise thesis statement. There are several things to emphasized in order to construct a
good introduction. Firstly, the sequence of arranging the components in the introduction should
be from the hook to the background information and to the thesis statement. The hook should be
general and the background should be more specific than the hook. Lastly, the thesis statement
should be as specific as it could and responds to the topic.
For the conclusion, it was less developed as compared to the introduction due to time
constraint. Generally, the conclusion was constructed in order. The main premise was restated in
the first sentence of the paragraph and it was paraphrased using different words in some parts.
Despite so, the main premise still needs further elaborations and improvements in order to be
fully developed. Furthermore, the conclusion was not linked to any of the general issues or even
future possibilities. The clincher which supposed to leave a huge impact in readers was not
included at the end of the essay. In order to improve on the conclusion, the main premise should

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be elaborated more and at the same time, summarizes the whole essay in few sentences. Next,
the essay should be linked to future possibilities or general issue. Lastly, the conclusion should
ended with a clincher which will leave readers with deep impression or thoughts on the topic.

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Engineering Activity 5

Original Paragraph.
Besides that, by monitoring students online could also prevent some unwanted incidents
earlier. Prevention is always better than curing. Like what its mentioned in the article, students
committed suicide and ended their life just like that. It is all because no one was there for them
when they needed help. At such young and tender age, students could possibly do anything they
feel like doing. Most of the time, they dont think of the consequences of their actions. Before
they even realize, its already too late. The school authorities will be able to gain clues on any
potential abuse cases that will abrupt. From there, the school could further aid the victims in any
sort of manner.

Revised Paragraph.
Besides that, unwanted incidents can be prevented by monitoring the students activities.
Prevention is always better than curing. Like what it is mentioned in the article, students
committed suicide and ended their life just like that. It is all because that nobody was there for
them when they needed help. At such young and tender age, students could possibly do anything
they feel like doing. Most of the time, they never thought of the consequences of their own
actions. Before they even realize, it is already too late. Furthermore, the school authorities will
be able to gain clues on any potential abuse cases that will abrupt. From there, the school could
further assists the victims in any sort of manner.

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Discussion
In this paragraph, the language used is clear and not too complex. The words used in the
essay are not particularly hard to be understand or bombastic. In the process of revising the
essay, there are a few changes that have been made for this paragraph. The major changes are
closely related to the structure of sentences, grammar and vocabularies used. However, there are
significant amount of the changes are on the academic writing tone. A noticeable amount of
contractions are found in the paragraph. Changes are being made to address the errors is due to
the fact that contradictions make the whole essays look informal and inappropriate especially for
academic essays. Contradictions should only be used in daily spoken language and unofficial
writings to maintain the professionalism in writing. Elimination of contradictions in an essay
gives the best impression to your readers. Another aspect of the essay that has been rectified is
the usage of hyperboles. There are many times where some big and unsuitable words are
repeatedly used in writing because people usually misunderstood their meaning. The
aforementioned situation describes one of the issues with this paragraph perfectly. For example,
the word abrupt has almost the same meaning as happen. Instead of using the previous word
among the two, the latter can be used as an appropriate substitute in this case. By eliminating the
hyperboles, the entire essay sounds more natural and the fluidity is established once again. All in
all, the purpose of making rectifications for the essay is to produce a good and acceptable
academic essay.

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8
Monitoring Through The Virtual World

In this modern era, technology has become one of the most important things in our daily
routines. Technology influences mankind in many different aspects as the world is undergoing
globalization. Younger generations tend to make full use of the Internet whether in academic
wise or for their personal uses. In some cases, students were virtually attacked by their peers in
the Internet and eventually decided to end their life because of the unbearable mockery.
(Sengupta, 2013, pg.2 ). School authorities should monitor student activities on the Internet all
times even outside of school as it allows the authorities to identify the culprits behind online
abuse cases, it could prevent any unwanted incidents, and it facilitates in the discovery of new
teaching methods.
Firstly, observing students on the Internet allows school authorities to reduce the scope
and identify the tormentors that are associated with online attacks or abuse cases. Students tend
to attack their peers verbally online instead of doing it in real life. Sarcastic and hateful words are
often used to taunt the victims. It is easier to do online because it only involves typing a several
sentences and requires no real life interaction. Victims often choose not to confront the abusers
because they are afraid that they might be taunted even more. If the schools monitor students
activities on the Internet, they could at least gather some information about the abuse and take
further actions. Aside from that, many students do not filter their words and often do not realize
how their statuses could be detected. For instance, In the Nevada case, a 16-year-old boy
bragged on Myspace about having guns at home, and threatened to kill fellow students on a
particular date. (Sengupta, 2013, pg.4 ). The school can take advantage of this point and take
further actions to cease the problem that is detrimental to students. Hence, observing students
online actually helps in finding the main culprits behind the incidents.

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Besides finding the tormentors, monitoring students online could also prevent some
unwanted tragedies and incidents earlier. Students show symptoms and signs of distress when
they are being targeted. Conveniently, social networks often become the platform for these
students to express their feeling. That being said, monitoring the social media indirectly (...)
helps you boil down to what students are having what problems, according to Mr David Jones
from CompuGuardian (Sengupta, 2013, pg.4 ). At such young and tender age, students could
possibly do anything and in this case, bullying their peers or making fun of them. Most of the
time, students do not think of the consequences of their actions. The school authorities will be
able to gain clues on incidents that will potentially happen. From there, the school could further
aid the victims in any sort of manner.
The discovery of new teaching methods will be further sustained when the school
authorities monitor the progress of students online. Online monitoring enables educators to
understand students better psychologically and mentally. In an interesting case, Mr John
G.Palfrey Jr., head of Phillips Academy in Massachusetts and his students are actually
communicating with each other in Twitter (Sengupta, 2013, pg.3 ). Certain students require more
attention than the rest and some might prefer other ways of learning. Along the process, teachers
will learn the better ways to bond with the students. Eventually, teachers understand and uses the
right approach to educate their students. In addition to that, Gen-Y students tend to think
differently and creatively. That being said, the conventional way of teaching certainly no longer
applies to them. Thus, monitoring students online will enable educators to discover new ways to
educate the younger generations.

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In a nutshell, the schools should monitor student activities on the Internet at all times,
even outside of school because it helps in identifying tormentors behind the online attacks, it
prevents some unwanted incidents earlier, and it helps in the discovery of new teaching methods.
Students are the future leaders of tomorrow and they should be nurtured under any
circumstances. Prevention is always better than curing and it is never too late to do something.
After all, do people want to live up to a regret where they could have done something instead to
protect these innocent lives?

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References

Sengupta, S. (2013, October 28). Warily, Schools Watch Students on the Internet. New
York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/29/technology/some-schoolsextend-surveillance-of-students-beyond-campus.html?
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