Love is Sociological

By Peter Kaufman

When I was a kid, my parents had a book that I used to

flip through called Love Is Walking Hand in Hand. The
book was written by Peanuts illustrator Charles Schulz,
and each page had a picture of Charlie Brown, Snoopy,
Lucy, and the gang explaining what love is: Love is hating
to say good-bye; Love is walking in the rain together;
Love is letting him win even though you know you could
slaughter him; Love is the whole world (this was written
in the 60s, after all!). Although it's been quite a few years
since I've looked at this little book, I'm pretty sure there is
no page that said: Love is sociological.

To say that love is sociological may sound strange and

even somewhat sacrilegious. Most of us think of love as
something that we feel naturally. It's a spiritual, even
cosmic, connection that brings forth an array of reactions
such as butterflies in our stomachs, sweaty palms, weak
knees, or just warmth and happiness. What could possibly
be sociological about these physiological responses and
heartfelt emotions?

It's true that when we are feeling love we experience a

range of bodily sensations and emotions. But what is the
cause of these physical reactions? Do these biological

processes strike us independently when we are hit by

cupid's arrow? Do we automatically know love when see it
or feel it? Or are there social dimensions at work that tells
us not only when to feel love but how we should feel
about?
When I ask students to consider if love is sociological, I
pose a series of questions to them to get them thinking
more critically about the social foundations of love. Most
students begin this discussion thinking that love is some
sort of natural, psycho-biological process. By the end of
the discussion, I hope that many of them are rethinking
this assumption and asking their own questions about
how love is sociological. Here is a sample of the types of
questions I pose:

Who do we love? Although many of us like to believe in

the popular idea that love is blind, in reality, love is often
quite prejudiced. As many sociological studies have
detailed (here is one recent example), most people do not
find themselves deeply and madly in love with just
anyone; instead, most of us end up in love with someone
who looks, thinks, and acts like us. More specifically, we
tend to end up in love with people who share our race,
ethnicity, religion, age, and social class. Sociologists
originally referred to this as homophilythe idea that we
gravitate towards those who are similar to us.

Although there are more instances where "opposites

attract"as in the case of interracial or interfaith unions,
the majority of situations still demonstrate that birds of a
feather are likely to flock together. However, the fact that
there are increasingly more heterogeneous couples
further demonstrates the social nature of love. As
societies become more diverse, and individuals form
bonds with a greater variety of peoplewhat's known as
the propinquity effect or contact theorytheir views of
who they find attractive and appealing has been shown to
change. Like people, love can be prejudiced; however,
such prejudices are not natural and they can be
overcome through our social interactions.

How do we love? Most of us know how to properly display

the love we have for someone else: we give them things
such as chocolate, flowers, or a greeting card; we say
certain words and phrases to them such as "I can't live
without you," "you complete me," or "we were meant for
each other"; or we engage in specific physical acts with
them such as hugging, kissing, and having sex.

Increasingly, we use technology to find and express our

love as comedian Aziz Ansari and sociologist Erik
Klinenberg discuss in their best-selling book, Modern
Romance. Are all of these displays of love natural? Is it
just instinctual that we give someone a heart-shaped box
full of processed sugar and cocoa, a bouquet of roses, or

even a hickey? Or is it more likely that we have learned

that these acts are the culturally approved ways to
demonstrate love for someone?

It seems hard to deny that the way we come to express

love is a product of our socialization. Practically
everything we know about how to love comes from a
variety of agents of socialization such as family, friends,
the media, and even religious doctrines. And like all
things that are social, the ways through which we
demonstrate love is variable based on the social context
in which we find ourselves. If you doubt the social
foundations of how we learn to love just talk to your
grandparents, your friends from other cultures, or read
some early modern literature, and you will quickly find
out that there are many different norms, practices, and
behaviors that people have developed to demonstrate
love.

When do we love? It's not uncommon in many high

schools to see couples making out in the hallways,
parking lots, or lunchrooms. Some people are quick to
attribute this to young love and raging hormones. But if
the need to make out in high school is indeed the
necessary release of a biological impulse, then why just a
few months after students graduate high school and
enter college do these public displays of affection seem
to end abruptly? In all my years of teaching college, I

have rarely seen these public displays of affection in

hallways or in any other public spaces on campus. Have
students' hormones changed that drastically over the
summer between high school and college? Or have they
learned the norms of this new environment about when it
is appropriate to display their love for someone else?

Even beyond these displays of affection between two

lovers, we see that the question of "when we love" is
highly dependent on the social context. Think back to
when you were a teenager. How often did you express
your love for your parents or your siblings (with words, a
kiss, or a hug) when you were in the company of your
friends? As young people growing more concerned about
our presentation of self, many of us learn how uncool it is
to display or express familial love in front of our peer
group. This taboo is especially strong for boys who fear
being seen as less masculine or as "momma's boys"a
point that is made poignantly in the new documentary
about masculinity, The Mask You Live In.

These are just some of the questions that I pose to

students to uncover the social foundations of love. Other
questions you may want to consider include where do we
love (are there socially sanctioned places where love
occurs), why do we love (are there social functions of
love), what do we love (is love only for people or can
other living things and objects be loved), and of course

the biggest question, what is love (how is love defined

and does this definition change across time and space)?
These questions, and the answers you come up with, will
help you realize that while love is a many-splendored
thing, it is also highly sociological.

Posted by W. W. Norton on February 10, 2016 in Peter

Kaufman, Relationships, Marriage and Family, Sex and
Gender, Social Psychology