EmotionaI Intelligence Handout Two - SAint Luke

Emotional Intelligence &
Difficult People
Rev. Hugh Lagan, SMA, Psy.D.
May 5, 2015
Saint Luke Institute
Facilitator Introduction

Learning Objectives
Iden%fy
prac4cal ways to build greater emo4onal health
Learn
why some people are more dicult to work with
than others
Iden%fy
specic EI communica4on and conict
management skills
Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute
Ground Rules I
You really cannot change another
person.
People only change when they are ready
to change.
Try not to be too hard on people. No one
is perfect.
Where there is humanity, there is
difficulty.
You are a difficult person in someone
elses life.
Ground Rules II
No one can humiliate you without your
permission.
No matter what the emotion, your response
is a choice.
You must want to understand the difficult
person.
While conflict is inevitable, combat is
optional.
We dont see things as they are, we see
them as we are.
Why Are Some People Difficult?

Because of genetics, early family life,
fears, anxiety
Because their inappropriate behaviors
work for them
Because others tolerate their
inappropriate behaviors
We are taught from birth that

when we demand nosily
enough, we get what we want
or need.
The Problem With the Term Difficult

Labeling individuals as difficult shifts
attention from what the person did to
who they are.
Remember, the difficult behavior is
only part of who the person is;
acknowledge the whole person and
give credit for others strengths and
competencies.
What makes the desert

beautiful is that somewhere it
hides a well
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Emotions are an internal

communication that something
needs your attention, some
need has gone unmet.
Emotions
Neither good nor bad
All have a positive intention
Managing them does not mean
controlling them
Meant to help us understand
something
You must remember that you

are the only one who
determines your emotional and
behavioral reaction; thus, the
choice in how you feel and how
you react is yours alone!
Emotionally, we become
what we eat!
Feelings are like waves, we

cant stop them from coming
but we can choose which one to
surf.
Johatan Martensson
Emotional Literacy
Only 36% of people can accurately
identify their feelings as they happen.
When we cannot correctly name what
we are feeling, we are unable to
identify the needs and thoughts linked
to those feelings in order to change
our emotional state.
Our Amazing Brain

Words are spoken at a rate of 90-200 per
minute.
Thoughts are processed 3-7 4mes faster than
speech.
Emo4ons are processed 80,000 4mes faster
than thoughts.
We respond emo4onally before we respond
ra4onally.
Primary senses
Limbic system (emo4onal brain)
Neo-cortex (ra4onal brain)

Amygdala
Adrenaline
Fight / Flight / Freeze response
When the amygdala is on

high alert, it is impossible
to reason.
While the quick response of the

emotional brain is to our
advantage under threat, it is not
in our best interests in everyday
life when emotions solely run
the show.
EQ skills help us create a

balance between the emotional
and rational brain so as to
ensure that our thinking is not
dominated exclusively by
emotions.
Practice Becomes Habit

The more we repeatedly practice EQ
strategies, the more the neurons in
the brain build a connecting pathway
between both the emotional and the
rational brains - a process called
neurogenesis. With repeated practice,
these behaviors become habits.
It takes 42 days for a new habit to
become established.
8 glasses of water
EQ skills teach us how to lessen

the intensity of emotions so
that we can have better access
to the logical brain in order to
choose how to respond in any
given situation.
Balancing Thoughts & Feelings

Think of six names of people you have
spoken to recently
Add the numbers on the car number
plate in front of you
Snap a rubber band worn on your wrist
Lift your eyes up to look straight ahead
Run through the alphabet backwards in
your head
Oxygenized breathing
Warning:
Sustained exposure to strong nega4ve
emo4ons resul4ng from repeated
encounters with dicult people
evokes a signicant stress response in
the brain.
Stress Response & the Brain

Minimal stress (4-7 days)
compromises functioning of hippocampus
Moderate stress (1-3 weeks)

reversible damage to neural dendrites
Prolonged stress (1+ month)

permanently destroys neurons
Successfully naviga4ng arguments

has more to do with how well you
understand and manage your
emo4ons and understand the
emo4ons of others than with what
you say to prove your point.
Never confront dicult people on an

emo4onal basis; they are experts at
emo4onal warfare and manipula4ng
the emo4onal responses of others.
Nega4ve thinking people and

complainers oVen pull others into a
nega4ve emo4onal spiral that fails to
focus on solu4ons.
ANGER
Anger is an acid that can do

more harm to the vessel in
which it is stored than to
anything on which it is poured.
Mark Twain
If you are angry with someone

else, you allow them to live rentfree in your mind.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The rst thing you say when you feel

angry is usually the worst thing you
could say.
The 10-second Rule
Anger
Anger is a secondary feeling, often protecting
primary feelings such as fear, shame, regret,
hurt, guilt, embarrassment or sadness.
When engaging with a person who is angry,
the skill is to shift awareness to the primary
feeling so as to help gain clarity as to the
persons needs and expectations.
THE BULLY
Behind the Mask

Bullies are the way they are because other people let
them get away with it
Their behavior is ultimately self-defeating
Greatest fear becomes their reality: they end up alone
and with nothing
Suffer a poor self-image
Easily threatened and frightened of not making an
impression on others
Assume that no one will ever like them; if someone does
give them the respect they desire, they often dont know
what to do with it
Communica4on with a dicult person

is similar to making a phone call: you
have to dial all the numbers in the
correct order if you want to
get through.
conict
coopera4on
emo4on
reason
hidden agenda
honest dialogue
To stop the cycle of inappropriate

behavior, we must interrupt the
pa]erns the dicult person is
accustomed to using.
Remember
You are in control of far more than you
realize
Remaining calm disarms the other to
become more rational
Listen, listen, listen: focus on other
person as he/she speaks
Resist focusing on winning the argument
Remain flexible and adaptable
You are seeking a win-win resolution
The Meeting
Be clear about your desired outcome,
concessions and bottom line
Before you say anything, check your body
language
Begin by gaining agreement on the
process
Listen actively, seek clarification and
validate the other
Agree on what the problem is
Negotiate the solution
Give yourself permission

to fail and be patient.
Talking to Difficult People

1. Im not sure what you mean?
2. I really do want to hear you, but your shouting is
making that difficult.
3. Avoid saying you always
4. OK, you say you dont like it when
5. When you say [always/never/ever], is that actually true?
6. Have you any thoughts about how you might resolve
this issue?
7. What would a fair outcome look like to you?
8. Can you do that?
Taking Care of Yourself

Know your hot buttons
Good fences make good neighbors
Remind yourself that your self-worth
comes from within
Ruminating about a difficult person gives
them power
Avoid internalizing the negativity of
others
Lean on trusted others for perspective
Be kind, for everyone you meet

is fighting a hard battle.
Plato
QUESTIONS
Contact Us
hughl@sli.org
Beth Davis, Director of Education
sliconnect@sli.org

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Emotional Intelligence &

Saint Luke Institute

Rev. Hugh Lagan, SMA, Psy.D.

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

Why Are Some People Difficult?

Saint Luke Institute

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

We are taught from birth that

Saint Luke Institute

The Problem With the Term Difficult

What makes the desert

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

Emotions are an internal

Saint Luke Institute

Saint Luke Institute

You must remember that you

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

Saint Luke Institute

Saint Luke Institute

Feelings are like waves, we

Saint Luke Institute

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

Saint Luke Institute

Our Amazing Brain

Limbic system (emo4onal brain)

Neo-cortex (ra4onal brain)

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

When the amygdala is on

Saint Luke Institute

While the quick response of the

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

EQ skills help us create a

Practice Becomes Habit

Saint Luke Institute

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

EQ skills teach us how to lessen

Balancing Thoughts & Feelings

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

Stress Response & the Brain

Moderate stress (1-3 weeks)

Prolonged stress (1+ month)

Saint Luke Institute

Successfully naviga4ng arguments

Never confront dicult people on an

Saint Luke Institute

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

Nega4ve thinking people and

Saint Luke Institute

Saint Luke Institute

Anger is an acid that can do

Saint Luke Institute

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

If you are angry with someone

Saint Luke Institute

The rst thing you say when you feel

Saint Luke Institute

Saint Luke Institute

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

Saint Luke Institute

Behind the Mask

Saint Luke Institute

Communica4on with a dicult person

Copyright Saint Luke Ins4tute

To stop the cycle of inappropriate