Transcript

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>> ephen: THAT'S IT FOR THE Report.
00:00:14
Good night.
00:00:15
[Cheers and applause] Jeselnik.
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-MAN: Anthony.
00:00:27
-WOMAN: Anthony.
00:00:28
-MAN: Anthony.
00:00:28
-WOMAN: Jeselnik.
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Jeselnik!
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Anthony Jeselnik.
00:00:31
Women: Anthony Jeselnik!
00:00:32
Woman: Anthony Jeselnik.
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-Anthony Jeselnik.
00:00:34
-MAN: Anthony Jeselnik.
00:00:36
Anthony Jeselnik.
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Anthony Jeselnik!
00:00:38
[ Cheers and applause ] I know, right?
00:01:16
[ Laughter ] Thank you, guys.
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So great to be here in Chicago.
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I really do love this town.
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I actually once went on a date with a girl from Chicago.
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Now, this was like 10 years ago, back before I was even a comedi
an yet.
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Back then I was just a regular old piece of [bleep] like you guy
s.
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[ Laughter ] But I'll never forget this date, you know?
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We meet up at a bar.
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We start drinking, we start talking.
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We're laughing together, we're connecting.
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It was great.
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But then we leave the bar, we go back to her place.
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And as soon as we walk in the front door, she passes out cold on
her couch.
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Now, I went to college.
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[ Laughter ] I knew I had a million options.
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[ Laughter ] But I'm a gentleman, so I did the smart thing.
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I just got a blanket, I tucked her in, and I left her a note tha
t said, "You got raped." [ Laughter ] Thank you.
00:02:57
[ Laughter ] I feel like it's very important, very important to
open up my show with a rape joke.
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[ Laughter ] Just to see what kind of crowd I'm dealing with her
e.
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You guys are gonna be great.
00:03:15
[ Laughter ] But if you were upset or you were offended in any w
ay, please don't worry.
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I've only got two more rape jokes...
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[ Laughter ] ...and I'll wait about 15 minutes.
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But don't think I'm a bad person for making that joke.
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Don't think I'm a bad guy for saying that.
00:03:38
I'm a good guy.
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Like, I would never hit a woman, you know?
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I would never hit a woman, even if she had a knife or...
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a stutter.
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[ Laughter ] It's not how I do business.
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In fact, I might be one of the greatest guys of all time.
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Like, I've got a kid in Africa.
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Yeah, that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculat
e for 75 cents a day.
00:04:27
Which is practically nothing, you know, compared to what it cost
to send him there.

00:04:33
[ Laughter ] [ Applause ] You guys are -- You guys are doing gre
at so far.
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I love performing in Chicago.
00:04:51
The only weird thing about performing in Chicago, for me, is tha
t, after all my shows, everybody just wants to do drugs with me.
00:04:59
[ Laughter ] Like, "Anthony, that was hilarious.
00:05:03
I got a joint on me.
00:05:03
Let's go smoke it." "Hey, Jeselnik, amazing job, as usual." [ La
ughter ] "I've got mushrooms in my backpack.
00:05:15
Let's eat 'em." And I've got to keep telling them the same thing
I'm gonna tell you guys right now.
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"Hey, ass[bleep] I'm [bleep] famous.
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[ Laughter ] Give it to me." [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I think m
y friend Jeff is gay.
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I don't know.
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I'm so bad with names.
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-[ Laughter ] -It's tough.
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[ Clears throat ] Smart crowd.
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When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing
a graveyard.
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$10,000 in damages.
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But we had a great lawyer who knocked it down to criminal trespa
ssing and necrophilia.
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[ Laughter ] I make a lot of jokes about death.
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Because it's hilarious.
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[ Laughter ] My whole family's like that, kind of, you know?
00:06:44
In fact, well before I was even born, my great-grandmother threw
herself in front of a bus.
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Police tried to say she was committing suicide, but the family k
new that she was just trying to stop civil rights.
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[ Laughter and applause ] Yesterday I accidentally hit a little
kid with my car.
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It wasn't serious, you know?
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Nobody saw me.
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[ Laughter ] And people get weird when kids die.
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[ Laughter ] No, that's a fact.
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That's a fact.
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Like, about a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playi
ng hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator.
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It's all anybody talked about for weeks.
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I said, "Who cares?
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How many kids you know get to die a winner?" [ Laughter and appl
ause ] I assume you guys all knew who you were coming to see tonight.
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But if you didn't, you sure as [bleep] know now.
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[ Laughter ] Like, one thing I've never understood is, like, the
foot fetish.
00:11:29
Like, are you guys together right here?
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Yeah?
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How long you guys been together?
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-WOMAN: Five years.
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-Five years. Wow.
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Do you ever suck on her feet?
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No? Would you if you had a different girlfriend?
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[ Laughter ] Or are you, like, across-the-board no feet?
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-I don't really mind it.
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-You don't really mind it?
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You just don't do it to her because you have mistresses.
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I get it.
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'Cause I'm across-the-board no feet.
00:12:01
I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking.

00:12:07
Her idea.
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And while we're hiking, she gets bit by a snake in between two t
oes, and Ihad to suck out the poison.
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So she's dead.
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-What's your name?
00:12:37
-Bridget.
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-Where are you from, Bridget?
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-The suburbs.
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-The suburbs?
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-Yes, that's right.
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That sure narrows it down.
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[ Laughter ] What, uh -- What do you do?
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I'm a full-time student.
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You're a full-time student.
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Okay, what do you study?
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-Psychology.
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-Psychology.
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-Where do you go to school?
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-Rockford College.
00:13:01
Rockford College?
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So you're not gonna be a good psychologist.
00:13:14
Have you ever been on a blind date before?
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-You ever do that?
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-No.
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No?
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You're lucky.
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I went on a blind date once, just once, and I will never do it a
gain.
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It was the biggest disaster of all time.
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She ended up being a burn victim...
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[ Laughter ] ...by the end of the night.
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I mean, it was, like, the worst...
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-[ Laughter ] -It was brutal.
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I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's kil
ler.
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But no one will do it.
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[ Laughter ] My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet.
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Did you guys hear what I just said?
00:14:22
[ Laughter ] She owned a parakeet.
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Oh, my God.
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That [bleep] thing never shut up.
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But the bird was cool.
00:14:34
[ Laughter and applause ] My ex-girlfriend had a lot of, like, r
eally annoying habits.
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I think the worst was that she loved to read women's magazines,
likeCosmoor, uh...
00:14:52
or things likeCosmo.
00:14:55
And she would flip straight to the relationship quiz.
00:14:58
And not only would she present that to me as if it was, like, a
fun activity for us to do together -- even though every question is designed to
[bleep] my entire world up.
00:15:13
But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me ch
ange them so we'd get the best score.
00:15:23
Like, I'll never forget the last time we played that game.
00:15:26
She was like, "Anthony, if you could have lunch with anyone in t
he world, living or dead, who would it be?" And I said, "I don't know.
00:15:33
Caligula." [ Laughter ] And she goes, "Really? Caligula?
00:15:43
That's your answer?
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That's what you're gonna say to me, your girlfriend?
00:15:49
Are you sure?" I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

00:15:53
Let me change that.
00:15:53
I'd have lunch withyou.
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And you'd be dead." [ Laughter ] Yeah, we're not together anymor
e.
00:16:11
She's got a new boyfriend now.
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They just moved in together.
00:16:15
And I've heard rumors that he's abusive, which makes me want to
go over there with a baseball bat and then blame it on her boyfriend.
00:16:25
[ Laughter ] But I don't want to sound like a misogynist up here
.
00:16:43
My ex-girlfriend wasn't, like, a bad person, really.
00:16:46
She wasn't a bad girl at all.
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But she was terrible in bed.
00:16:51
Terrible in bed.
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I mean, she would just lie there, screaming, "No!" [ Laughter ]
That was rape joke number two, baby doll.
00:17:08
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, clap it up.
00:17:21
My girlfriend now is great.
00:17:22
My girlfriend now is almost perfect.
00:17:25
And she hates that I tell rape jokes.
00:17:27
Hates it.
00:17:28
Says, "Anthony, how can you make light of something as terrible
as rape after I told you that I got raped in high school?" And I said, "Baby, be
cause I don't believe you." [ Laughter ] Me!JP%I/Ph@I,9sSsS)9MA/m/m6% W0-X29,9sS
sS)9MA/m/m6% W0-X.0F-X&,XTq5>3]$HZ My girlfriend and I argue a lot.
00:21:50
It's mostly her arguing with me kind of thing.
00:21:53
Like, I should just keep my mouth shut.
00:21:55
Every fight we get into is my fault.
00:21:56
I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can't because I'm so [bl
eep] funny.
00:22:03
[ Laughter ] Like, a couple of nights ago, we go to a party, all
right?
00:22:09
We get trashed, completely wasted.
00:22:11
We wake up in bed the next morning completely hung over.
00:22:14
And I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but instead, I roll
over, and I say, "Listen, baby, don't get mad, but I think your mom tried to ha
ve sex with me last night." And she hit the roof.
00:22:30
She goes, "Anthony, that's impossible." And I said, "Oh.
00:22:34
Well, in that case, you should always wear makeup." [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] I love that joke so much.
00:22:57
Here's why.
00:22:59
Did you guys hear, like, the sounds you made?
00:23:03
Like that was the worst thing I've said tonight?
00:23:07
I've told three rape jokes.
00:23:10
[ Laughter ] I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, k
eep things fresh for me, makemelaugh, you know?
00:23:20
She hates it.
00:23:21
But, like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet sea
t, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.
00:23:30
[ Laughter and applause ] I like that you laugh until I look at
you, and then you stop laughing.
00:23:47
'Cause you don't want to give me the satisfaction.
00:23:50
[ Laughter ] That's great.
00:23:53
You seem like a cool girl in a completely different environment.
00:23:57
[ Laughter ] But we'd make it work, you know?
00:24:08
Like, how long have you guys been together right here?
00:24:11
-MAN: Three years.
00:24:12
-Three years, okay.
00:24:13
What would you say is, like, the secret to a good, long relation
ship?

00:24:17
Communication.
00:24:18
Communication. Wrong.
00:24:21
[ Laughter ] The secret is trying new things together, especiall
y in the bedroom.
00:24:31
The other night, my girlfriend and I are in bed together.
00:24:35
She says, "Anthony, I want you to pee on me." Now, I have never
thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life.
00:24:48
Never even imagined it before.
00:24:52
But then I got the green light.
00:24:57
And, apparently, it's my thing.
00:24:59
[ Laughter ] Like, I just jumped up right away, you know?
00:25:08
But as soon as that begins, she starts screaming at me.
00:25:12
Like it's my fault she talks in her sleep.
00:25:16
[ Laughter ] [ Applause ] No big deal for me.
00:25:31
My girlfriend yells at me all the time.
00:25:34
She yells at me all the time.
00:25:35
And, again, I'm a gentleman, you know?
00:25:37
I never think it's okay to yell back at a woman, no matter what.
00:25:42
I mean, you saw how I handled that [bleep] right?
00:25:45
[ Laughter ] I never think it's okay to yell back at a woman.
00:25:54
But the other night, she yelled at me for so long and so loud th
at the cops came to the door, which is embarrassing, because now I've got to ans
wer my own door and say, "Officers, I'm so sorry.
00:26:08
There is no reason for you to be here tonight.
00:26:11
I already tased her." I've got this friend named Kevin.
00:26:29
I call him a friend.
00:26:31
More of an acquaintance, really.
00:26:33
One of those people who think they're way better friends with yo
u than they actually are.
00:26:38
Like, the other day, Kevin says to me, "Hey, man, you know what
I like to do when I'm all by myself and no one's around?" And before I can say,
"Hey, we're not really friends"...
00:26:51
[ Laughter ] ...he says, "I like to take peanut butter and smear
it all over myself and then let my dog lick it off." I said, "Dude, you have go
t to get yourself a girlfriend.
00:27:10
I'll trade you mine for that dog." [ Laughter ] Being a comedian
is the greatest job in the world, like, greatest job in the world.
00:30:41
Once you get to my level.
00:30:43
[ Laughter ] The only thing I don't like is all the travel.
00:30:47
I'm always flying somewhere.
00:30:48
I'm always in an airport.
00:30:50
Even flying into Chicago a couple days ago, two-and-a-half-hour
flight delay.
00:30:54
I'm stuck in an airport bar talking to some random ass[bleep] an
d I got nowhere to go.
00:31:02
So I'm like, "Hey, man, what do you do?" And he says, and I quot
e, "Oh, nothing right now.
00:31:09
But I used to be a priest." As in, "Oh [bleep]" right?
00:31:22
But I got nowhere to go.
00:31:24
So we keep talking, we keep drinking.
00:31:26
Finally, two hours goes by.
00:31:28
Guy gets up. He's like, "Hey, man, I got to catch my flight.
00:31:31
But I don't want to lie to you.
00:31:32
I used to be a priest.
00:31:34
I got kicked out 'cause I molested a kid." Now, here's the thing
.
00:31:41
After talking to this guy and getting to know this guy for two h
ours, I have to admit, he was actually a really cool guy, if you could forget ab
out, you know...
00:31:54
...all that Jesus bull[bleep] [ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, th

at's a favorite.
00:32:11
I'm probably gonna tell it again later.
00:32:16
But it's not all bad news with me, you know?
00:32:19
My grandfather turns 100 years old next month.
00:32:24
[ Applause ] Maybe.
00:32:31
[ Laughter ] I'm...
00:32:35
I'm really skeptical.
00:32:38
I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death when I was
a kid.
00:32:41
My grandmother died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday
party.
00:32:48
Literally while she was eating cake.
00:32:52
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit, you know?
00:32:55
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
00:32:58
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.
00:33:03
[ Laughter and applause ] And, sure, my dad had his problems, yo
u know?
00:33:16
He had his issues.
00:33:17
My dad was a big-time alcoholic, major-league alcoholic, black-o
ut-every-night kind of alcoholic.
00:33:24
But, to his credit, my dad never once laid a finger on either me
or my mom, not once.
00:33:33
And I don't know if it was just because he loved us so much or i
f he justhatedmy sisters.
00:33:41
-But either way...
00:33:41
-[ Laughter ] Either way, he was a great dad.
00:34:04
I remember a tough time for me.
00:34:05
I was like 10 years old.
00:34:07
My parents call me into their bedroom.
00:34:08
They say, "Anthony, we want to get a divorce.
00:34:10
You have to decide which one of us you want to live with." I was
a 10-year-old kid.
00:34:15
didn't know any better.
00:34:16
I just said, "Dad, Dad.
00:34:17
I want to live with Dad." It was heartbreaking.
00:34:21
My mom just looked at the floor and said, "Well, whatever you wa
nt, Anthony." And my dad just said, "I don't want a divorce anymore." [ Laughter
] That was tough.
00:34:40
And maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my d
ad gave me the sex talk.
00:34:48
Oh, God.
00:34:50
The old man was into some really crazy [bleep] [ Laughter ] But
then maybe the greatest moment of my life ever -- I think this is, like, a unive
rsal things for guys -- I'm 12 years old, I'm sneaking around my house, and I fo
und my dad's porn in the back of the attic.
00:35:12
That was a great day.
00:35:15
That was a game changer for me.
00:35:18
But then the worst day of my life was the day I found my mom's p
orn...
00:35:26
...in the back of that video store.
00:35:28
[ Laughter ] I told that joke recently on "Conan" -- that's righ
t, "Conan"...
00:35:45
[ Laughter ] ...and immediately afterwards, my mom called me on
the phone.
00:35:51
And she said, "Anthony, what the [bleep] [ Laughter ] Do you rea
lly have to make up a joke that makes me sound like I work in pornography and th
en say it on 'Conan'?
00:36:06
That's my least favorite joke that you have." And I just said, "
Well, Mom, that's only because you haven't heard the other jokes I tell about yo
u that they are not allowed to let me say on 'Conan.'" -Per example...

00:36:23
-[ Laughter ] My mom is crazy.
00:36:31
People always like to joke, "Oh, my mom's crazy." My mom is ca-r
azy.
00:36:37
Her entire house is filled with nothing but pictures of Princess
Diana.
00:36:45
And they're all from right after the accident.
00:36:49
[ Laughter ] And most of them she drew.
00:37:00
Like, it's really [bleep] up, you guys.
00:37:02
[ Laughter ] And my mom's been having a hard time lately.
00:37:13
She just found out she has to have both of her breasts removed..
.
00:37:17
if she's ever gonna be good at golf.
00:37:20
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
00:37:28
That cannot be easy to hear.
00:37:32
So I went home to visit -- I'm from Pittsburgh, originally -- an
d just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know?
00:37:37
-[ Scattered applause ] -Yeah. Congrats.
00:37:40
[ Laughter ] Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a littl
e bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up.
00:37:45
But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running err
ands for her.
00:37:50
Like, every day.
00:37:51
Every day, it's, "Anthony, go play my numbers.
00:37:53
Go play my numbers, please.
00:37:53
I don't want to miss out today." Finally, after a week of this,
I had to say to her, "Mom, are you out of your goddamn mind?
00:38:03
Don't you know you've got a better chance of getting struck by l
ightning than me doing you a favor?" [ Laughter ] Chances are, you're not made o
f money, so don't overpay for motorcycle insurance.
00:38:42
Geico, see how much you could save.
00:39:52
Me!JP%I/Ph@I,9sSsS)9MA/m/m6% W0-X29,9sSsS)9MA/m/m6% No, you guys
have been a great crowd tonight.
00:42:21
You've gone with me everywhere I've wanted you to go.
00:42:23
But if you've just been sitting there this whole time, thinking,
"Anthony, this is all well and good, but where are your offensive jokes?
00:42:32
[ Laughter ] Where are your showstoppers, if you will?" Well, gu
ys, I save those for the end.
00:42:43
I'm gonna tell you all a series of jokes right now that are goin
g to get increasingly more offensive.
00:42:51
[ Cheers and applause ] I like that enthusiasm.
00:43:06
Let's see how far it carries.
00:43:09
[ Laughter ] They say it's easy -- They say it's easy to make fu
n of retarded people.
00:43:21
But let me tell you guys something -- It is not.
00:43:24
You have really got to explain it to them.
00:43:28
[ Laughter ] That was the first one.
00:43:49
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings
with her a houseplant.
00:43:53
She's like, "Anthony, I had to pick this up.
00:43:54
We need a houseplant in our apartment." And every night, I make
her return it.
00:43:59
I say, "No way, baby.
00:44:01
You can't take care of a houseplant.
00:44:03
You couldn't even keep your baby alive." [ Laughter ] Right?
00:44:17
Two for two, huh?
00:44:19
[ Laughter and applause ] We just, uh -- We just found out my li
ttle brother has a peanut allergy.
00:44:36
A peanut allergy, which is very serious, I know.
00:44:40
But, still, I feel like my parents are totally overreacting.
00:44:43
They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts, and

they kicked me out of his funeral.

00:44:51
[ Laughter ] I feel like some of you guys might be too nice to l
augh at some of these jokes.
00:45:10
And that's okay.
00:45:11
Not everybody has a great sense of humor.
00:45:14
[ Laughter ] You guys would probably love my little nephew.
00:45:19
He's like six years old.
00:45:19
So cute.
00:45:20
I talk to him every day on the phone.
00:45:22
He's unbelievable.
00:45:23
He's got, like, the greatest imagination ever.
00:45:26
He's either gonna be an incredible artist someday or he really d
id get molested.
00:45:33
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I wasn't even laughing abou
t that one.
00:45:58
I was thinking about what's coming.
00:46:00
[ Laughter ] I feel like I need to say, like, I really believe t
his, that being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world.
00:46:10
Like, literally, right below comedian.
00:46:13
[ Laughter ] So, to me, if a mother does her best, then, in my b
ook, she's a good mom, all right?
00:46:22
Now, my mom did her very best.
00:46:25
Unfortunately, she was also a terrible person.
00:46:31
Like, my mom, for most of her life -- and this is true -- my mom
, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier.
00:46:42
Does everybody know what that means?
00:46:45
[ Laughter ] It means she couldn't believe the Holocaust happene
d.
00:46:50
It's, like, the worst thing you can be.
00:46:52
And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with u
ntil, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention.
00:47:00
And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through
the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List."
And after that, my mom did a complete 180.
00:47:13
Now she can't believe it only happened once.
00:47:18
[ Laughter ] I'm not a religious person.
00:47:35
I would call myself an atheist.
00:47:37
I don't have a good story behind it.
00:47:39
I'm just reasonable.
00:47:42
[ Laughter ] But my girlfriend [Chuckles] My girlfriend has got,
like, the greatest story behind why she's not religious anymore.
00:47:56
She said, when she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nai
led a 25-pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed.
00:48:07
And about two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the cruci
fix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad's head.
00:48:19
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
00:48:39
Like, whether you laughed or not, you got to admit, that's a [bl
eep] great story.
00:48:43
[ Laughter ] Now, this is the ideal time to tell you guys that I
love to meet fans after the show.
00:52:28
I like when people come up and say, "Anthony, you're a genius.
00:52:32
Anthony, best show I've ever seen." And that's it.
00:52:38
I don't ever want to hear anything else.
00:52:42
If you've got a bone to pick with me over something I've said to
night, instead, you should just shut the [bleep] up.
00:52:49
[ Laughter ] Because, seriously, I know more about comedy than y
ou do, and you came to seeme.
00:53:05
[ Man shouts indistinctly ] Like I said, shut the [bleep] up.
00:53:12
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] But, still, even after I've
just said all that, you still feel like you need to come up and bitch, well, th

en, I will be as polite as I can possibly be.

00:53:33
However, it is ill-advised.
00:53:36
Because you will end up as a joke in my act...
00:53:41
[ Laughter ] ...much like the blind guy who came up and complain
ed to me in Seattle after a show.
00:53:49
He walked up and said, "Anthony, Anthony.
00:53:53
[ Laughter ] Why didn't you tell any blind jokes tonight?
00:54:02
I came here to hear blind jokes tonight." And I said, "Well, her
e's a blind joke." [ Laughter ] Another good one for me was the lesbian in Portl
and who ran up after a show.
00:54:30
And I know she was a lesbian because she ran up and yelled out,
"Anthony, I'm a lesbian!
00:54:37
And I thought you were really funny tonight, but you're just luc
ky you didn't make any lesbian jokes up there.
00:54:43
'Cause I would have gotten really mad if you had made fun of any
lesbians tonight." And I wanted to say to her, "Hey, do you realize that that m
akes you a terrible person and that you have no sense of humor?
00:54:55
Plus, you're an idiot if you felt okay laughing at all the other
messed-up things I joked about but you'd have gotten really upset if I'd made f
un of you or something you care about." And I was gonna say all that, but then I
remembered, "Anthony, she's a lesbian.
00:55:16
She knows." [ Laughter ] My second-favorite post-show interactio
n of all time had to be -- I was in Boston a couple years ago, and a very drunk
girl -- they're always very drunk -- ran up to me.
00:55:33
And she screams out, "You should never make fun of the Holocaust
!" And I said, "Why?" You know, just to be a dick.
00:55:42
[ Laughter ] And she says, "Because I lost family in the Holocau
st." And I said, "Well, you don't look Jewish." And she said, "Listen, ass[bleep
] There are certain lines you're not supposed to cross, certain boundaries you'r
e never supposed to push." And I said, "Hey, hey, hey.
00:56:03
I just gave you a compliment." [ Laughter ] But my favorite -- t
he best, most unbeatable, never-gonna-happen-again post-show interaction of all
time had to be just -- just about a year ago.
00:56:35
I was performing in Orlando, Florida, home of Casey Anthony.
00:56:46
And this is right after the trial, like immediately after the tr
ial.
00:56:50
And I said, "Listen, everybody, I don't understand what the big
deal is here.
00:56:54
Of course Casey Anthony is innocent.
00:56:57
If she's guilty of anything, it's killing her baby." [ Laughter
] Now, after the show, I'm taking pictures, signing tits -- You know how it is.
00:57:16
[ Laughter ] And a guy walks up to me, totally sober, looking ve
ry upset.
00:57:25
And he says, "You need to do me a favor," which is a terrible wa
y to start.
00:57:33
He says, "You need to never tell another Casey Anthony joke ever
again." And I said, "Why?" You know, just to be a dick.
00:57:43
[ Laughter ] And he says -- I'll never forget this.
00:57:47
He says, "Because her daughter, Caylee Anthony, is my niece." An
d I said, "Bull[bleep]" At which point he takes out his phone, sadly hits a coup
le buttons, and he shows me a picture of him holding little Caylee Anthony, in h
appier times, of course.
00:58:09
[ Laughter ] And he says, "See?
00:58:18
See, you son of a bitch?" And I said, "No, man, I believe you.
00:58:26
I just mean shewasyour niece." Thank you very much, everybody.
00:58:32
Have a great night.
00:58:33
Thank you so much.
00:58:35
-Thank you.
00:58:35
-[ Cheers and applause ]

Anthony Jeselnik: Caligula Transcript

00:00:01
But the other night, she yelled at me for so long and so loud th
at the cops came to the door, which is embarrassing, because now I've got to ans
wer my own door and say, "Officers, I'm so sorry.
00:00:15
There is no reason for you to be here tonight.
00:00:19
I already tased her." I've got this friend named Kevin.
00:00:37
I call him a friend.
00:00:38
More of an acquaintance, really.
00:00:41
One of those people who think they're way better friends with yo
u than they actually are.
00:00:45
Like, the other day, Kevin says to me, "Hey, man, you know what
I like to do when I'm all by myself and no one's around?" And before I can say,
"Hey, we're not really friends"...
00:00:59
[ Laughter ] ...he says, "I like to take peanut butter and smear
it all over myself and then let my dog lick it off." I said, "Dude, you have go
t to get yourself a girlfriend.
00:01:18
I'll trade you mine for that dog." [ Laughter ] Being a comedian
is the greatest job in the world, like, greatest job in the world.
00:05:24
Once you get to my level.
00:05:26
[ Laughter ] The only thing I don't like is all the travel.
00:05:30
I'm always flying somewhere.
00:05:30
I'm always in an airport.
00:05:32
Even flying into Chicago a couple days ago, two-and-a-half-hour
flight delay.
00:05:37
I'm stuck in an airport bar talking to some random asshole, and
I got nowhere to go.
00:05:44
So I'm like, "Hey, man, what do you do?" And he says, and I quot
e, "Oh, nothing right now.
00:05:52
But I used to be a priest." As in, "Oh, shit," right?
00:06:05
But I got nowhere to go.
00:06:06
So we keep talking, we keep drinking.
00:06:09
Finally, two hours goes by.
00:06:11
Guy gets up. He's like, "Hey, man, I got to catch my flight.
00:06:14
But I don't want to lie to you.
00:06:14
I used to be a priest.
00:06:16
I got kicked out 'cause I molested a kid." Now, here's the thing
.
00:06:24
After talking to this guy and getting to know this guy for two h
ours, I have to admit, he was actually a really cool guy, if you could forget ab
out, you know...
00:06:36
...all that Jesus bullshit.
00:06:39
[ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, that's a favorite.
00:06:54
I'm probably gonna tell it again later.
00:06:59
But it's not all bad news with me, you know?
00:07:02
My grandfather turns 100 years old next month.
00:07:06
[ Applause ] Maybe.
00:07:13
[ Laughter ] I'm...
00:07:17
I'm really skeptical.
00:07:20
I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death when I was
a kid.
00:07:24
My grandmother died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday
party.
00:07:31
Literally while she was eating cake.
00:07:35
And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit, you know?
00:07:37
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
00:07:41
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.
00:07:45
[ Laughter and applause ] And, sure, my dad had his problems, yo
u know?
00:07:59
He had his issues.
00:08:00
My dad was a big-time alcoholic, major-league alcoholic, black-o

ut-every-night kind of alcoholic.

00:08:07
But, to his credit, my dad never once laid a finger on either me
or my mom, not once.
00:08:15
And I don't know if it was just because he loved us so much or i
f he justhatedmy sisters.
00:08:23
-But either way...
00:08:24
-[ Laughter ] Either way, he was a great dad.
00:08:47
I remember a tough time for me.
00:08:48
I was like 10 years old.
00:08:50
My parents call me into their bedroom.
00:08:51
They say, "Anthony, we want to get a divorce.
00:08:53
You have to decide which one of us you want to live with." I was
a 10-year-old kid.
00:08:57
I didn't know any better.
00:08:59
I just said, "Dad, Dad.
00:08:59
I want to live with Dad." eartbreaking.
00:09:04
My mom just looked at the floor and said, "Well, whatever you wa
nt, Anthony." And my dad just said, "I don't want a divorce anymore." [ Laughter
] That was tough.
00:09:23
And maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my d
ad gave me the sex talk.
00:09:31
Oh, God.
00:09:32
The old man was into some really crazy shit.
00:09:37
[ Laughter ] But then maybe the greatest moment of my life ever
-- I think this is, like, a universal things for guys -- I'm 12 years old, I'm s
neaking around my house, and I found my dad's porn in the back of the attic.
00:09:55
That was a great day.
00:09:58
r for me.
00:10:01
But then the worst day of my life was the day I found my mom's p
orn...
00:10:08
...in the back of that video store.
00:10:11
[ Laughter ] I told that joke recently on "Conan" -- that's righ
t, "Conan"...
00:10:28
[ Laughter ] ...and immediately afterwards, my mom called me on
the phone.
00:10:34
And she said, "Anthony, what the fuck?
00:10:38
[ Laughter ] Do you really have to make up a joke that makes me
sound like I work in pornography and then say it on 'Conan'?
00:10:49
That's my least favorite joke that you have." And I just said, "
Well, Mom, that's only because you haven't heard the other jokes I tell about yo
u that they are not allowed to let me say on 'Conan.'" -Per example...
00:11:06
-[ Laughter ] My mom is crazy.
00:11:13
People always like to joke, "Oh, my mom's crazy." My mom is ca-r
azy.
00:11:20
Her entire house is filled with nothing but pictures of Princess
Diana.
00:11:28
And they're all from right after the accident.
00:11:32
[ Laughter ] And most of them she drew.
00:11:42
Like, it's really fucked up, you guys.
00:11:45
[ Laughter ] And my mom's been having a hard time lately.
00:11:56
She just found out she has to have both of her breasts removed..
.
00:12:00
if she's ever gonna be good at golf.
00:12:03
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
00:12:11
That cannot be easy to hear.
00:12:15
So I went home to visit -- I'm from Pittsburgh, originally -- an
d just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know?
00:12:20
-[ Scattered applause ] -Yeah. Congrats.
00:12:23
[ Laughter ] Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a littl
e bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up.

00:12:28
But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running err
ands for her.
00:12:33
Like, every day.
00:12:33
Every day, it's, "Anthony, go play my numbers.
00:12:35
Go play my numbers, please.
00:12:36
I don't want to miss out today." Finally, after a week of this,
I had to say to her, "Mom, are you out of your goddamn mind?
00:12:46
Don't you know you've got a better chance of getting struck by l
ightning than me doing you a favor?" [ Laughter ] k:wN 3 3 3,37kM:uquqv;Uln7Unv3w3u3
r;]L&ly.nsy,lsmsls No, you guys have been a great crowd tonight.
00:16:53
You've gone with me everywhere I've wanted you to go.
00:16:56
But if you've just been sitting there this whole time, thinking,
"Anthony, this is all well and good, but where are your offensive jokes?
00:17:05
[ Laughter ] Where are your showstoppers, if you will?" Well, gu
ys, I save those for the end.
00:17:16
I'm gonna tell you all a series of jokes right now that are goin
g to get increasingly more offensive.
00:17:24
[ Cheers applause ] I like that enthusiasm.
00:17:39
Let's see how far it carries.
00:17:41
[ Laughter ] They say it's easy -- They say it's easy to make fu
n of retarded people.
00:17:54
But let me tell you guys something -- It is not.
00:17:57
You have really got to explain it to them.
00:18:01
[ Laughter ] That was the first one.
00:18:22
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings
with her a houseplant.
00:18:25
She's like, "Anthony, I had to pick this up.
00:18:27
We need a houseplant in our apartment." And every night, I make
her return it.
00:18:32
I say, "No way, baby.
00:18:33
You can't take care of a houseplant.
00:18:36
You couldn't even keep your baby alive." [ Laughter ] Right?
00:18:50
Two for two, huh?
00:18:52
[ Laughter and applause ] We just, uh -- We just found out my li
ttle brother has a peanut allergy.
00:19:09
A peanut allergy, which is very serious, I know.
00:19:12
But, still, I feel like my parents are totally overreacting.
00:19:16
They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts, and
they kicked me out of his funeral.
00:19:24
[ Laughter ] I feel like some of you guys might be too nice to l
augh at some of these jokes.
00:19:43
And that's okay.
00:19:44
Not everybody has a great sense of humor.
00:19:47
[ Laughter ] You guys would probably love my little nephew.
00:19:51
He's like six years old.
00:19:52
So cute.
00:19:53
I talk to him every day on the phone.
00:19:55
He's unbelievable.
00:19:56
He's got, like, the greatest imagination ever.
00:19:59
He's either gonna be an incredible artist someday or he really d
id get molested.
00:20:06
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I wasn't even laughing abou
t that one.
00:20:31
I was thinking about what's coming.
00:20:33
[ Laughter ] I feel like I need to say, like, I really believe t
his, that being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world.
00:20:43
Like, literally, right below comedian.
00:20:46
[ Laughter ] So, to me, if a mother does her best, then, in my b
ook, she's a good mom, all right?
00:20:55
Now, my mom did her very best.

00:20:58
Unfortunately, she was also a terrible person.
00:21:04
Like, my mom, for most of her life -- and this is true -- my mom
, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier.
00:21:15
Does everybody know what that means?
00:21:17
[ Laughter ] It means she couldn't believe the Holocaust happene
d.
00:21:22
It's, like, the worst thing you can be.
00:21:25
And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with u
ntil, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention.
00:21:32
And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through
the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List."
And after that, my mom did a complete 180.
00:21:46
Now she can't believe it only happened once.
00:21:51
[ Laughter ] I'm not a religious person.
00:22:07
I would call myself an atheist.
00:22:09
I don't have a good story behind it.
00:22:11
I'm just reasonable.
00:22:14
[ Laughter ] But my girlfriend [Chuckles] My girlfriend has got,
like, the greatest story behind why she's not religious anymore.
00:22:29
She said, when she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nai
led a 25-pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed.
00:22:39
And about two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the cruci
fix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad's head.
00:22:52
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
00:23:12
Like, whether you laughed or not, you got to admit, that's a fuc
king great story.
00:23:16
[ Laughter ] Now, this is the ideal time to tell you guys that I
love to meet fans after the show.
00:27:51
I like when people come up and say, "Anthony, you're a genius.
00:27:55
Anthony, best show I've ever seen." And that's it.
00:28:01
I don't ever want to hear anything else.
00:28:05
If you've t a bone to pick with me over something I've said toni
ght, instead, you should just shut the fuck up.
00:28:11
[ Laughter ] Because, seriously, I know more about comedy than y
ou do, and you came to seeme.
00:28:28
[ Man shouts indistinctly ] Like I said, shut the fuck up.
00:28:35
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] But, still, even after I've
just said all that, you still feel like you need to come up and bitch, well, th
en, I will be as polite as I can possibly be.
00:28:56
However, it is ill-advised.
00:28:59
Because you will end up as a joke my act...
00:29:04
[ Laughter ] ...much like the blind guy who came up and complain
ed to me in Seattle after a show.
00:29:12
He walked up and said, "Anthony, Anthony.
00:29:16
[ Laughter ] Why didn't you tell any blind jokes tonight?
00:29:25
I came here to hear blind jokes tonight." And I said, "Well, her
e's a blind joke." [ Laughter ] Another good one for me was the lesbian in Portl
and who ran up after a show.
00:29:53
And I know she was a lesbian because she ran up and yelled out,
"Anthony, I'm a lesbian!
00:30:00
And I thought you were really funny tonight, but you're just luc
ky you didn't make any lesbian jokes up there.
00:30:06
'Cause I would have gotten really mad if you had made fun of any
lesbians tonight." And I wanted to say to her, "Hey, do you realize that that m
akes you a terrible pe and that you have no sense of humor?
00:30:18
Plus, you're an idiot if you felt okay laughing at all the other
messed-up things I joked about but you'd have gotten really upset if I'd made f
un of you or something you care about." And I was gonna say all that, but then I
remembered, "Anthony, she's a lesbian.
00:30:39
She knows." [ Laughter ] My second-favorite post-show interactio

n of all time had to be -- I was in Boston a couple years ago, and a very drunk
girl -- they're always very drunk -- ran up to me.
00:30:56
And she screams out, "You should never make fun of the Holocaust
!" And I said, "Why?" You know, just to be a dick.
00:31:04
[ Laughter ] And she says, "Because I lost family in the Holocau
st." And I said, "Well, you don't look Jewish." And she said, "Listen, asshole.
00:31:17
There are certain lines you're not supposed to cross, certain bo
undaries you're never supposed to push." And I said, "Hey, hey, hey.
00:31:26
I just gave you a compliment." But my favorite -- the best, most
unbeatable, never-gonna-happen-again post-show interaction of all time had to b
e just -- just about a year ago.
00:31:58
I was performing in Orlando, Florida, home of Casey Anthony.
00:32:09
And this is right after the trial, like immediately after the tr
ial.
00:32:12
And I said, "Listen, everybody, I don't understand what the big
deal is here.
00:32:16
Of course Casey Anthony is innocent.
00:32:20
If she's guilty of anything, it's killing her b [ Laughter ] Now
, after the show, I'm taking pictures, signing tits -- You know how it is.
00:32:39
[ Laughter ] And a guy walks up to me, totally sober, looking ve
ry upset.
00:32:48
And he says, "You need to do me a favor," which is a terrible wa
y to start.
00:32:56
He says, "You need to never tell another Casey Anthony joke ever
again."