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Interviewer (John Cleese): You know I really enjoy
interviewing applicants for this management training course.
[snap back into scene] Good morning.
Stig: Good morning.
Interviewer: Good morning.
Stig: Good morning.
Interviewer: (writes) Tell me why did you say 'good morning'
when you know perfectly well that it's afternoon?
Stig: Ah, good afternoon.
Interviewer: Oh dear. (writes again) Good evening.
Stig: Goodbye?
Interviewer: Ha, ha. No. (rings small hand-bell) Goodnight,
ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
Stig: Oh dear, I don't think I'm doing very well.
Interviewer: Why do you say that?
Stig: Well. I, I, I, I don't know.
Interviewer: Five, four, three, two, one, zero! Right! (makes
face and strange noise,)
Stig: I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Interviewer: Well why do you think I did that then?
Stig: Well I don't know.
Interviewer: Aren't you curious?
Stig: Well yes.
Interviewer: Well, why didn't you ask me?
Stig: Well...I...er...
Interviewer: Name?
Stig: What?
Interviewer: Your name man, your name!
Stig: Um, er David.
Interviewer: David. Sure?
Stig: Oh yes.
Interviewer: (writing) David Shaw.
Stig: No, no Thomas.
Interviewer: Thomas Shaw?
Stig: No, no, David Thomas.
Interviewer: (long look, rings bell) Goodnight. Ding-dingding-ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
Stig: Oh dear we're back to that again. I don't know what to
do when you do that.
Interviewer: Well do something, five, four, three, two, one . . .
(Stig pulls face and makes noise) Good!
Stig: Good?
Interviewer: Very good - do it again. (Stig pulls face and
makes noise) Very good indeed, quite outstanding. (rings
bell) Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.
(Stig very cautiously pulls face and makes noise.
Interviewer rings bell again.)
Interviewer: Very good marks.
Stig: Oh, oh well, do I get the job?
Interviewer: Er, well, I'm afraid not. I'm afraid all the
vacancies were filled several weeks ago.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister
Wensleydale, that's my name.
(pause)
C: Greek Feta?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Czech sheep's milk?
O: No
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
O: Not -today-, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the
world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round
hyah?
O: 'Illchester, sir.
C: IS it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see. Uuh... 'Illchester, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting
the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district sir!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion,
please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be.
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
O: No.
C: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of
purest optimism to have posed the question in the first
place....... Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)