TIMES LIKE THESE

By
Roberta L. Turner
B.S., Wayne State College, 2012

A Dissertation Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of

the Requirements for the Degree of
Master of Art
______________________________________

Department of English
Creative Writing
in the Graduate School
The University of South Dakota
May 2014

UMI Number: 1561673

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Copyright by
ROBERTA L. TURNER
2014
All rights reserved

The members of the Committee appointed to examine

the dissertation of Roberta L. Turner find it
satisfactory and recommend that it be accepted

Chairperson, Natanya Pulley

Lee Ann Roripaugh

Cindy Struckman-Johnson

An Abstract of the Thesis of

Roberta L. Turner for the degree of Master of Arts in English Creative Writing
Presented on May 2, 2014
Commencement May 10,2014
Title: Times Like These

Abstract Approved:

Natanya Pulley

The novel, Times Like These, is a trauma narrative. The writing style is called dirty
realism, and is inspired by writers that show the underbelly of life in their writing. The
story begins as a journey and is set in various venues in Wisconsin. The novel uses
reference to trailers, apartments, Walmart, eating establishments such as Denny's, drugs,
and drinking; the characters are from a lower societal setting. The subject matter in the
novel tackles the concerns of subjugated characters that are marginalized because of their
class, sexual orientation, and gender. Beginning with the attempted rape of a character,
the themes brought out in this work are drug addiction, family, religion, economic
disparity, justice, and PTSD from war and rape. The character Bode's vengeful actions
against her accused are an attempt to force the hand of justice, even if she has to break
the law to get justice. Bode knows that the American justice system is flawed and looks
to God, instead of the courts, for her wrongdoers to receive divine reckoning via her
knife. The sense of wanting justice is also shown in the intended destination of the
protagonists to protest in New York. Twirler and Bode feel like 1% of Americans making
the decisions for the other 99% is not fair and they want justice in politics, as well.
Subjugated and marginalized characters fits well with the genre of dirty realism because
the genre forces readers to look at the ugly things in life, and this is why the justice theme
comes through naturally in the novel. Times Like These is a drug-fueled quest for revenge
and justice of a confused Christian lesbian and her partner.

ii

Artist Statement
I am a storyteller and have been from a young age. As a young girl, I lived in a
dysfunctional household, and to make my mother laugh I created stories. I would take
average everyday occurrences that might seem mundane, and make them exciting, often
making myself the brunt of some malady to create a comedic ending. My mother always
laughed and encouraged my storytelling to other adults, such as her coworkers and
friends. To my surprise, they laughed also and so began my love for creating stories.
My character Bode, from Times Like These, is a storyteller. My first inspiration
for the novel came when I heard Bodes voice in my head. She was telling a story about
life, family, love, and trauma, and how these things have inspired her as much as they
have haunted her. By experiencing issues of trauma and family through Bodes eyes, I
have been able to work through some of my own personal difficulties. Like Bode, I have
found a place of forgiveness in my own traumatic experiences. The act of writing can be
a tool for healing, and humor in a story can help balance the heaviness of trauma. I want
to show a world that is more complex by making readers laugh one minute, and feel
guilty for laughing the next. My written world is one of fluctuating feelings because it
reflects the fluctuation of emotion in real life. I like to write from a realistic place, time,
and character.
Not to say my preferred genre is nonfiction, but my goal is to create characters
that speak and act in a believable manner, as opposed to writing outlandish experiences
and characters and asking my readers to buy into the stretch. I often use the places from
my childhood as setting for my stories. My novel specifically is set in my childhood
venue of Madison, Wisconsin. It was exciting to recreate these scenes from childhood in

iii

my novel from memory. My preferred writing style is called grit literature (which is
considered Southern dirty realism), or dirty realism, and is inspired by writers that show
the underbelly of life in their writing. I reference trailers, apartments, Walmart, eating
establishments such as Dennys, drugs, and drinking; my characters are from a lower
societal setting because these are the people I can relate to the most. The world of Twirler
and Bode in Times Like These could be called dirty realism because of these tropes, but
also because the subject matter tackles the concerns of subjugated characters and people
who are marginalized because of their class, sexual orientation, and gender; these are not
happy and uplifting topics. Other writers who inspired me in this genre are Barry Hannah,
Harry Crews, Dorothy Allison, and Anne Pancake. Their list of realistic issues
approached through their novels and stories include: alcoholism, drug addiction, PTSD
from war and rape, family, and economic disparity. These writers resist happily ever
after in their short stories and novels because a car crash going 80 mph just says more
for their characters. Bill Buford of the magazine Granta first introduced the term dirty
realism in 1983 to describe a new literary movement in North America. Buford, describes
the authors of the style of writing: They write about the belly-side of contemporary
lifea deserted husband, an unwed mother, a car thief, a pickpocket, a drug addictbut
they write about it with disturbing detachment, at times verging on comedy. A few of
the writers who were included in that issue of Granta were Raymond Carver, Richard
Ford, and Bobbie Ann Mason.
As a genre, dirty realisms characters are very complex, for example, the
unnamed narrator in Carvers Cathedral. Graduate workshops taught me how to create
complex and believable characters. One of the best books I read to assist me in character

iv

creation is Ron Carlson Writes a Story. He points out that evidence of current action of a
character in a story comes from the past of the character. Carlson says thats what the
past is: evidence (37). I never realized this before. I just blindly wrote a story without
evidence of the characters past. In my undergraduate writing I was the champion of flash
fiction, cramming in as much information as was relevant in a small amount of space,
under 1,000 words. I had never written a story over nine pages and wasnt sure of how to
do it. I think as a writer I had this initial idea of writing as sitting down and words
flowing through from an unknown source. And yes, sometimes it does feel this way, but
realistically the writer must be mindful of how to write. Carlsons words helped me in the
revision of my first chapter of Times Like These. I have never written a novel before and
was blind to backstory. I had read backstory before, but never paid attention to how a
writer did it because of the trance from reading great literature. I had written that the
character Twirler is careless, but I didnt really have much evidence of the fact of her
carelessness. I wrote in an additional scene where Twirlers carelessness almost cost a
man his life. I feel like this additional scene gives more evidence of Twirlers past being a
testimony to her present.
Not only did Carlson help me with seeing how evidence shapes character, but he
also helped me in seeing that the inventory we give our characters creates them. Carlson
writes, Everything you give a character is another element in his or her definition and
will help determine the weight s/he gives or receives in the story (33). I used to want to
rush through a story and considered the details painful. I really hated this part of writing.
I wanted the action. After reading Carlsons take on it I enjoy writing the details of my
characters, and creating them from nothing but a notion, or a glimpse. Writing the detail

is a challenge, for example, in the first chapter of Times Like These I had Bodes car from
her roaming days as a 75 LTD that had the hood held together with a bungie-cord, but I
didnt name her current car. I thought about this and asked myself what car would the
careful Bode drive? I came up with a four-door family sedan, Mazda 626. The car is
laughable to the careless character Twirler, who drives a sports car of the poor, 98 Escort
Sport. I also made lists of inventory for the characters should they ever win the lottery,
and referred to the activity of listing as being due to the item-loving Twirler. I want this
fact to be important in future chapters when referencing the Wall Street protest and the
growing friction between Bode and Twirler. As will the carelessness of Twirler, after all
this is the whole reason that Bode is now considered a murderer. So I think enforcing
these things upfront just makes sense and will only take small references in the rest of the
novel to enforce these scenes to readers and remind them.
Paying special attention to creating characters also means that they must have an
outer story; where do they come from, where have they been, and where are they now?
Ron Carlson describes this as the world in which the story takes place, the concrete
evidence that your story could actually take place. Carlson says Writing the outer story
is a matter of sending yourself on the journey, sending yourself through the moment to
find the new thing in it (49). I feel like this is what I did in Chapter 5 of Times Like
These. I knew from my novel map that there would be a chapter where Bode revisited her
old neighborhood, and I knew in my head that it needed to be very descriptive, but I had
never written in this way before. I also had no idea whose perspective it would be written
in, Twirler or Bodes. When I started writing this chapter, Fred Arroyo instilled on me the
importance of inventory in a story to create character. What came from this lesson in

vi

Arroyos class were eight pages of the most descriptive prose Ive ever written in my life,
and in my opinion, probably the best at the time. I decided to write from the perspective
of Twirler so that her feelings about Bodes reaction to Douger could be heard, and her
fresh eyes would be describing the setting. Twirler shares:
We came to a spot in front of a building with three entrances to it. The
doors were painted orange and one hung off its hinge. Each orange main
door had one glass patio door next to each side of the door with a small
concrete patio protruding out from the bottom, and metal balconies hung
precariously over the concrete pads for the ground units. A screen hung
off a patio door as if the owner had gone out one too many times for the
poor casters to take and it they seized up, refusing to move. Childrens
plastic lawn chairs, one pink, one green, were placed next to each other
with toys piled up inside the seat, no longer for sitting but instead storage.
The plastic toys looked faded and weathered, a direct reflection of the
building itself. There were windows in-between where the patios sat, a
large number of screens hanging loose, cut for escape, or torn off
completely. Most windows had sheets or blankets for coverings, if they
had them at all. Some windows had no glass, but instead tinfoil covered
cardboard placed in their fittings. Most patios were littered with junk
strewn across them here and there; some were completely covered in trash
and useless items. (52)

vii

Creating Bodes childhood home is an example of craft that I learned as a Graduate

student in a workshop. Even if this writing was the only thing I did that semester, to me,
it would be worth it in just knowing that I could be so descriptive about a place.
While being descriptive about place is important, so is being able to change that
description if it does not fit with the rest of the story. Revision is a technique of the craft
of writing that I used to resist profusely, but the resistance needed to be overcome to be a
successful writer. A quote from Truman Capote in Dinty Moores The Mindful Writer
helped me revise my novel: The greatest intensity in art in all its shapes is achieved with
a deliberate, hard, and cool head (106). Moore then expands on this notion and says
Write with your passionate heart, but edit with you calm brain (106). This quote is so
true, but so hard for me. When I write I go into a zone. Im sure this is true for most
writers, but to come out of the zone for revision has always been a difficult thing for me
to do. A William Faulkner quote in Dinty Moores The Mindful Writer says kill your
darlings (110). I always thought this meant your characters, but after reading Dinty
Moore, I realize its a reference to my words; my little darling words that I so
painstakingly carved and coerced to fit in just the right spot. But I dont have gold
coming from my finger-tips. Not every word I write in passion is the right word for the
scene or mood Im trying to create. I have never cut, changed, or added as many words
and sentences from a story as I did this semester. I want to be a great writer, and after
reading interviews with Jeffrey Eugenides, Toni Morrison, Patricia Henley, and Dorothy
Allison on how many times they revise a piece of work, I have given up the fight; I
realize that revision is a necessary part of writing, as much a part as writing down that
first sentence. Now, when I reopen a story from my past I immediately start changing

viii

words or crossing out sentences and rewriting them. Its a type of freedom to know that
Im not chained to a less than perfect piece of writing. Theres hope even for the worst
writing. I just need to be mindful of my words.
In addition to learning how to revise, college has given me access to other writers
who have helped shape my writing in workshops and classes designed to look directly at
the structures of story, whether in poem form with imagery and other poetic devises, or
fiction and the building of plot with character, setting, and events. For example, by taking
poetry workshops I have learned to integrate beautiful imagery into my prose. Examples
of authors who form imagery with words that inspire me are Jeffrey Eugenides in
Middlesex and Tim OBrien in The Things They Carried. Eugenides takes factory work
and gives it rhythm through repetition in Middlesex. OBrien, uses the brutality of war
through images of items carried by soldiers in Vietnam to show beauty in the sometimes
interpreted as meaningless items of everyday life. I want to convey that even in the ugly
of life, beauty can exist. An example from Times Like These where I mimicked
Eugenides repetition and OBriens use of imagery is in from Chapter 5 which gives
description of a place by what is absent:
Not one person walked the grounds of this living area and so it gave the
impression of an abandoned wasteland. No children screamed and ran to
the swing-set in the middle of the complex. No man and woman walked
their dog. No faces looked from inside these jaded window coverings to
the outside. Not one person walked to their rusty vehicle with the flat tire
to fix it, and get on to work, and the kids to school. No one emptied their

ix

trash in the large green receptacle. It was almost as if in the daylight no

life existed here, only ghosts of a life gone by. (53-54)
Through this example its easy to see the influence of poetry from the imagery. The
repetition of no as absence haunts the place being described. The use of imagery in
Times Like These is a direct reflection of taking classes in multiple genres.
Although OBrien and Eugnenides gave me inspiration through the imagery used
in their novels, the main inspiration for structure in Times Like These comes from Ann
Pancakes novel, Strange as this Weather Has Been. Pancake structured her novel in first
person narrator from the perspective of a family of six, with one small child and the
father not telling their story. The chapters randomly alternate between characters. Similar
to Pancakes novel, I began my story of Twirler and Bode with each woman telling her
side of events as first person narrators. However, my narrators are telling the story as
something that has occurred in the past. It has not been easy to flash back in time from a
moment that is already a past event and in this way my novel questions temporalities and
may give readers a skewed sense of time. I plan on revisiting the framing of the novel in
further revision; explicitly, the framing of the novels conclusion as written now, which
filters the voice of the two characters by the addition of a different author than the story
tellers themselves, Alicia, and the feeling that the novel switchs perspective to telling the
story to an actual character within the novel, Rick Semper. The ending could change
significantly to adjust the perspective to prevent jarring the reader out of trusting the
narrative of the story.
Further inspiration from Pancake comes through using factual events inspired by
the people of the Appalachian Mountains. Strange as this Weather Has Been is based on

interviews and actual events from articles and newspaper clippings from West Virginia
Appalachian people who survived a major trauma, the Buffalo Creek flood, and still face
the threat of it every day by living under Mountain Top Removal operations due to
mining. Similar to Pancakes conviction to write about the Appalachian struggle from
mining is my own conviction to write about trauma from rape. Although PTSD from rape
is beginning to become a topic for much needed discussion about womens rights and
health, I believe PTSD is misunderstood, and it is not fully recognized as an illness that
affects women. My own experience with drug abuse and anger in trying to deal with the
aftermath of rape is shown through the character of Bode. However, from speaking to
other women, reading academic articles on trauma theory, and reading trauma narratives
about rape experiences, I recognize that trauma from rape is not the cookie-cutter variety
and women deal with it in many different ways. Throughout the novel, Twirler deals with
rape by oscillating between accepting that life cannot be controlled on one hand and total
avoidance on the other. Her view of life is fatalistic, and is shown by her atheist outlook
on a higher power, and her desire for fun and things to make her life fulfilling. She is
resigned to not getting justice for the wrongs done to her.
On the other end of the spectrum of Twirlers denial of a higher power is Bodes
view that she receives messages to kill men that have wronged her and the people she
loves from God. Her view comes from experiences in my own life when God was used as
an excuse for ridiculous life actions by family members. For example, my fathers reason
for moving so often was inspired by messages from God. In similar fashion, some
religious zealots use God as reasoning for killing members of different religions. God
seems like a good excuse to do the unthinkable, and I wanted to explore this further with

xi

my character, Bode. Of course, the important realization for readers to be taken away
from Bodes Christian heretic view is that she is in a transition away from this way of
thinking, especially after her total breakdown from drug use and recovery of a suppressed
memory.
By using Christianity as a trope in the novel I am able to show Bodes spiritual
transition. I hope to show, first through Bodes beginning Christianity at her fathers
house, and then through her turning against organized religion, and finally through her
realization that her messages to kill men were not from God, Bodes change in her
philosophy about religion and using it to find peace in trauma. Using Christianity as a
trope has advantages because the term creates stereotypes immediately in readers minds,
which takes away the need to over-explain in a story. In using Christianity in Times Like
These, I just need to differentiate Bode from the stereotype of Christians, not create a
whole new identity. I can also give stock characteristics to any number of characters by
simply saying that they are Christian. Other authors that showed Christianity as a trope in
their writing through characters are Barry Hannahs character Drum from his short story
Drummer Down, Harry Crews heretic snake handler in Feast of Snakes, and Ann
Pancakes confused character Dane from Strange as this Weather Has Been who keeps a
picture of Jesus in a lunchbox. By looking at these examples of complex characters, I was
better able to mold Bodes questioning of Christianity in Times Like These, and use
Christianity as a type of tool in my writing to show character transformation.
It is the complex characters, too, that drive justice as a central theme in Times
Like These. Although, this was not the intended theme when I began writing, Bodes
vengeful actions against her accusers are an attempt to force the hand of justice, even if

xii

she has to break the law to get it. Bode knows that the American justice system is flawed
through Twirlers first rapists botched trial. Bode looks to God, instead of the courts, for
her wrongdoers to receive divine reckoning via her knife. The sense of wanting justice is
also shown in going to protest in New York. Twirler and Bode feel like 1% of Americans
making the decisions for the other 99% is not fair and they want justice in politics, as
well. I believe that the sense of subjugation and marginalized characters fits well with the
genre of dirty realism because the genre forces readers to look at the ugly things in life,
and perhaps this is why the justice theme is naturally developed through the writing
process.
Lastly, the novel Times Like These may seem like a journey through hell made in
ten days by the characters Twirler and Bode. The novel is fast paced with occurrences
that may seem fantastical to some readers. The exaggeration in some parts of the story
was inspired by Harry Crews novel A Feast of Snakes. I feel like Crewss novel gives off
a surreal feeling following his characters through the three day event in the story, an
annual rattlesnake roundup in Mystic Georgia, and I especially wanted to capture this
with the actions surrounding my character J.J. Smith from the scene in the church in
Waukesha, to the final shoot-out in the parking lot of the convenience store, Crews was
the inspiration for this bizarre series of events.
The novel Times Like These is a work in progress. The story shows the journey of
two women whose lives are hanging by a very fine thread. The propellant for their
journey is to protest the one percents control over the other ninety-nine percent of
America. Because Twirler and Bode are women, gay, and poor, they are subjugated and
marginalized by society. The novel ends with hope for these women, but Im sure with

xiii

many struggles yet to come. And just like the continued revisions of Times Like These, I
am also a work in progress as a writer.

xiv

Bibliography
Allison, Dorothy. Bastard Out of Carolina. Toronto: Plume, 1993. Print
Buford, Bill. Granta. Granta Archive. Issue 8; 1983. Web. 1 May 2014.
Carlson, Ron. Ron Carlson Writes a Story. Minneapolis: Graywolf Press, 2007. Print.
Crews, Harry. A Feast of Snakes. New York: Scribner, 1976. Print.
Eugenides, Jeffrey. Middlesex. New York: Picador, 2012. Print.
Hannah, Barry. Drummer Down. Long, Last, Happy: New and Collected Stories. New
York: Grove Press, 2010. Print.
Moore, Dinty W. The Mindful Writer: Noble Truths of the Writing Life. Boston: Wisdom
Publications, 2012. Print.
OBrien, Tim. The Things They Carried. The Things They Carried. New York:
Houghton Mifflin, 1990. Print.
Pancake, Ann. Strange as this Weather Has Been. Berkley: Counterpoint, 2007. Print.

xv

Table of Contents

Chapter 1.1
Chapter 218
Chapter 328
Chapter 446
Chapter 555
Chapter 664
Chapter 784
Chapter 889
Chapter 9..118
Chapter 10154
Chapter 11167
Chapter 12187
Chapter 13199
Chapter 14218
Chapter 15247
Chapter 16284

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1
Chapter 1
Bode

Looking back now, I can say it was the times we were living in, the kind of times
when Twirler would laugh when the stock market had a really bad day. Id say, Twirler
what the hell is so damn funny?
And shed just shake her head, beaming ear to ear and tell me, Those damn
greedy bastards are losing money.
Wed talk about how we hated our country but were too scared to tell anyone
sides each other. We looked up how to become citizens of another country like Canada or
Norway. We thanked God we had each other, always that, cept Twirler didnt believe in
God, so it was more me thanking God. And I started smoking weed again. We felt a new
kind of helpless, cause God knows we knew helpless, the kind where youre hungry but
dont qualify for food stamps because you work part-time because thats all thats
available. The kind where you watch your kid selling drugs but hes twenty and he can do
what he wants to. This new helpless crept up slow on you and kicked you in the teeth
when you werent looking. Its the minute you realize shit aint right, shit hasnt been
right, and everyones just kinda bending over and taking it in the ass.
Im sitting there enjoying my coffee that morning, and Twirler says, Bode
Bode, to get my attention, and then, Theyre protesting on Wall Street! Shes reading
her morning news so she can poop and she announces it.
I tell her its about fucking time! She tells me that shit would be fun, and now Im
really thinking about it, thinking about everything Ive been wanting to say to those

2
motherfuckers that control everything. I began imagining Twirler and I marching up to
the stock exchange and screaming at the top of our lungs until were hoarse, and walking
hand in hand with brothers and sisters of pain. The pain of never having what they
always will, and always have had. They, the fucking one percent! All the conspiracy
theories Ive ever heard started waking up in my head: JFK and the grassy knoll, Bobbie
Kennedy, the Bush family, gas moguls killing inventors, 9/11 and Osama Bin Laden
being hired by the President. I felt a deep stirring of change in my soul. You know, all
that what if crap. Maybe there was a hope for helplessness to be replaced with action.
Twirler and I have a way of thinking the same way, and sometimeswell, like a lotwe
say the same things, so we both say lets go. That started it.

At the time, we were living in a sleepy little corner of Northern Nebraska, moved
there from Valentine to escape Twirlers family. We picked this corner because the
closeness to a school I was going to attend, and the fact that Twirler didnt function well
in urban areas. The little Village of 400 was perfect for our kind, nature loving, and
simple minded. Thats what Twirler called us anyway. We could hear the cows mooing
right from our living room in the duplex on the hill, sometimes coyotes would chime in,
and when the high school volleyballs team played in regionals, our house was on the
front row to see the fire trucks escort the team out of town. Man, that was some kind of
racket! But this type of living fit us, so we were comfortable, bored, but comfortable.
Maybe the boredom is what caused the distraction to everyday life that produced itself
while Twirler was building up her bowel movement, but then again maybe it was just that
we hadnt done anything real in a long time.

3
Twirler made arts and crafts and sold them at the farmers Market, or in the Cum
n Go by the cash register in the little towns surrounding our Village, and I worked for
temp agencies until Id get a hankering for something else, and then off Id go to the next
place. I finally had the bright idea to get an education and get some free government
money. Of course nothing is really free, but I thought it was then. But when the idea of
protesting came up I thought school could wait. Thats what I figured after I got my
refund check. After the two of us discussing it for real, Twirler and I decided we had the
money and we had the time. We were both itching for change.
So we made arrangements for the cats with the neighbors, paid some bills, packed
a back-pack apiece for clothes, and the rest of the car Twirler filled like Martha Stewart
going to Wyoming. She always had to be prepared for anything. She checked her list over
and over again for any needed items she might have missed: tent, sleeping bags, snacks,
kerosene lamps, grill, coffee pot, coffee, skewers, lighter fluid, pots to cook in, and
pillows. Then we told Nebraska to kiss our ass. Twirler was giddy with excitement, not
that that was strange or anything since most times she was anyway. I just think both of us
had excitement of the unknown, but more importantly, the unfamiliar. We decided to take
my car because it had one oil change more than Twirlers and more leg room. I knew it
didnt really matter because both cars were equal pieces of shit and just one sneeze away
from the junk yard. But Twirler lived in that state denial. She was just always happier
to be in pretend world and I wanted to make her happy, so most days thats where I lived
also. Except in those times when I just couldnt take it anymore. Id say stuff like:
thatll get you killed doing it that way, when she was standing in water and messing
with electronics. Shed growl at me and Id let it go.

4
This one time we were tubing on the Niobrara River, drinking and partying it up
with a large group of friends of friends, mustve been thirty of us altogether. There were
some tweeners (people between the age of adults and teens), the twenty-somethings, and
the been-there-done-that group made up the rest of us. We was setting up our tubes at the
top of the river to float down. All of us were picking out our tubes from the outfitter and
going into the river by the bank. It was 9:30 am and there was still a light fog rolling over
the water as the sun started peeking through the clouds. Most of the group was hung-over
from being up all night, and some were still drinking, not yet having slept. People
normally tie regattas together of about three or four tubes.
Twirler all-of-a-sudden said, Lets tie them all together that way we all get to be
in on whats going on.
Heads started nodding, and before I could object the rope was being passed
around and knots were being tied. We pushed off from the bank, and most people took
the opportunity to lie across their tubes and sleep for a couple hours before they started
drinking again. Twirler came over to my tube and we leaned back watching the sky clear
of clouds, listening to small talk from fellow tubers, and the snoring from the twentysomethings sleeping off the previous nights drunk. Twirler and I soaked in the glory of
nature. An eagle swooped down in front of our tubes and caught a fish only twenty feet in
front of us. I was in awe seeing the majestic bird of our country so close to where we lay.
Its huge wings flapping as its talons struck its intended breakfast and swiftly rose up into
the sky to become a memory. The eagle event got the vodka soaked fruit rotating around
the regatta because our oohs and ahs of seeing the bird woke the sleeping drunks. We
took oranges and grapefruits and cut them in eights and then placed them to soak in

5
gallon plastic bags full of alcohol the night before, so we could eat them as we floated.
Near noon people started jumping from tube to tube wanting to be closer to so-and-so, or
maybe speak to a sibling or best friend. This hopping and jumping made me nervous as
hell, but I never wanted to be accused of killing fun, so I remained silent on my tube. The
sun was blazing full force and the sun block was being thrown around the tubes as well.
This was when reaching for the thrown bottle of UV Protection 30, Dave Jenkins flipped
backwards off his tube. Normally not a huge deal, but Daves tube was in the middle of
the thirty and he fell down right into a crack and under the tubes. I looked around and
nobody seemed to see what had happened.
You guys stop, I said at first getting myself turned around on my tube and
sitting up. Hey motherfuckers listen to meHOLY SHIT, STOP! I yelled. I put my
feet down in the river holding my tube behind me and planted my feet firmly in the
sludge of river-slime. I strained against the weight and current pulling me forward as I
pulled back harder trying to stop the flow of nature. Daves under the tubes, I
screamed. People suddenly realized what the hell I was saying and stood up planting
themselves firmly like I had done. His wife quickly started reaching under the tube in
front of her and finally found his head and grabbed his hair lifting him up and out of the
current. Dave was spitting and coughing as he came up and looking at me with a weird
grin on his face.
Shit, he coughed. I do believe you saved my life, Bea. I could hear you yelling
as I tried to come up under the tubes. I just kept getting pushed under. I couldnt get my
footing.

6
Needless to say, as drunk as some of us were, someone still got out a pocketknife and started cutting the tubes apart into four tubes per barge. Twirler felt a little
guilty for bringing up the idea of tying together, but hellshe saidno-one died so alls
well. Twirler just wasnt as careful a person as me. She never wanted to be worried about
the bad, and now thinking back I couldve done better at being a grown-up, after-all I was
forty years old, but Twirlers way was always more fun, especially if nobody died. And
shit, who dont like fun?

On our way down the gravel road that led away from our country house and
towards our adventure, Twirler turned to me and asked, where we gonna pick up the
beer?
I laughed, and shook my head. I accelerated hard, spinning gravel into the brown
weeds growing high next to golden fields of cut corn and cows munching it down to dirt.
Farmers were bringing in the harvest. Road after road we passed tractors, combines, with
pickups driving behind them, their hazard lights flashing the farm equipment home.
Difference was I wasnt irritated by it. I had nowhere to be, and no specific time
to be there. Freedom and the open road made me feel longing for risk and running, my
two best friends in younger days when I myself wasnt a careful woman. My family used
to joke I had a futon strapped on my back. I never had any belongings, and the minute
things got bad or uncomfortable Id take off for wherever I stopped. In those days I drove
a blue 75 LTD that had its hood bungie-corded shut and it flapped when the wind would
catch it on a bounce. One time it flew up on me on the toll-way on the way to Chicago
and it was like shit youd see in a Chris Farley movie, me screaming as I try to pull it

7
over with passersby laughing and pointing. Now I drive a Forest Green 98 Mazda 626, a
family sedan with four doors and leather seats. Twirler laughed the first time she saw my
reliable Mazda; a contrast to her two-door 98 Escort Sport with metallic blue paint. I
bought it because at the time I was dating a woman with two little children, my premade
family. But that was a different time. Those memories are as worn out as the leather
interior of my car. I cried four years and almost went insane over that one. Nervous
breakdown, the doctors said. So I let sleeping dogs lie and avoid the music, drugs,
pictures, and the drink of choice from those times. Some memories are best left to dirt.
Twirler wanted to take the scenic way, so we drove north to South Dakota, and
east through Minnesota, across the Mississippi River to Wisconsin. When we got to
Wisconsin, we decided to stop for the night in a camp ground on the river that I had
camped at when I was a roamer. It had showers for twenty-five cents, and only five bucks
got you your campsite overnight.
The first time Twirler and I went camping together we were also on the river, and
later that night I was sleeping in our tent when I was awakened by movement at the end
of the air mattress. I raised up, scratching the sleep out of my eyes to get a good look at
what was thrashing down there, and theres Sarah (her real name) moving shit and
churning around in one spot.
What the hell you doing sweetie? I asked her. Youre making a dust bowl
down there.
Im getting ready for the party.
Aw honey, youre sleep-walking, or twirling. Cmon back in the sleeping bag.

8
When I told her the next day she didnt believe me except her things were all
moved around the edge of the bed, out of her luggage, and arranged in rows.
Thats the buffet table, you told me last night, I pointed to her arrangement,
and your new nickname is Twirler.

We had been setting up our tent on a site separated from the RV area that was too
packed in for our likes. How could people camp that close together when you got
beautiful tall pines on one side, and the flowing Mississippi on the other? It seemed like
the people in the RVs were content with concrete and gravel. Not my Twirler. She
wanted to hear the river as we stared at the camp-fire, and then when the early morning
quiet settled down all around us, we would hear the steady swish of water hitting rock,
fallen trees, and sand bars. The river equaled peace. In these times it would seem like a
whole lot more people would benefit from a little river gazing.
We were setting up our tent when Twirler comes in real close and said, Were
being watched.
Naturally, I do what Im not supposed to and look up, straining my eyes into the
depths of the trees. Little pricklies moved up and down my spine, I saw nothing but I felt
eyes upon me. Then, as if on cue he walked out from the trees, like he had been walking
all along.
Howdy neighbors, he called out. And then entered our camp circle. A smile
covered his grime-covered face. He didnt look out of place. Most men in this area
looked like they just rolled in off a four-wheeler, with their Peterbilt hats tipped a little

9
sideways off their face, wearing dirt covered jeans and flannel shirts that looked like
theyd been washed one-too-many-times. But still a lump rose in my throat along with
the raising of the hair on my neck. This was the moment I first realized something stirring
in me like a ghost. It was there like a vision in my peripheral. I shivered and smiled.
Twirler stood up from her crouched position in front of the tent where she was securing a
tent stake and looked warily at this man.
Something we can do for you? she asked, none too friendly.
He maintained his smile and said, Well now, I just stopped by to make sure you
know where certain amenities could be found. My wife and I are parked on the concrete
and saw your car pull in, and Im the welcoming committee, so welcome.
Twirler stopped, her grin cold, and I could see her gaze shift ever so slightly to
me, like she was wondering what my intuition was saying. Twirler had never been careful
with strangers before. I was constantly telling her to quit being so nice to strangers. Then
she said to the intruder, Were fine, been here before, so thanks, but we got everything
under control and the rest of our party will be coming along just as soon as they finish
watching the game at Jons, up there on Main. She nodded her head towards town.
Well that answers my next question then, he says gazing steadily at Twirler,
still smiling. You got some man-help, I guess they can collect wood for you. Gets damn
cold by the river towards morning, youre gonna want a fire. I guess Ill leave you to it
then. If you need anything were the white Fleetwood Prowler, the fifth wheel. Cant
afford the fancy tour bus type, were modest people. But were on the slab, and sell
firewood if you get too tired to collect your own, or just want some company.

10
He turned to leave and Twirler responded, Thanks, whatd you say your name
was?
Im sorry, I didnt. My manners have left me, he said moving in closer to
Twirler and outstretching his hand. Rocky Joe, after my pappy. Friends call me R.J.
Serena, Twirler lied, shaking his hand, and this is Jolinda, she said and
nodded towards me. I appreciate the gesture, but like I said were no newbies to the
area Oh and R.J., she asked in an after-thought, did you four-wheel down here? I
didnt hear your ride.
Oh, I parked it back on the road. He pointed back into the woods from where he
came. I trap in here. Dont worry its not too close to where the campsites sit. Never had
anyone snared yet. I just like to creep in first, so I dont scare nothing that might be close
to them. Just dont go wandering after dark without a torch. He laughed and winked at
me. With that he turned and walked back into the dense tree-line.
I looked at Twirler and saw a shudder run through her like my ghost suddenly got
ahold of her, too.
We should leave. Those were the next words out of my mouth. And like most
times, Twirler dismissed me and went back to her usual careless self, maybe trying to
wish away the bad vibe and thinking more about all the work we had already put into
setting up, wanting a beer, and some dinner. She told me I was paranoid and that this man
was married.
Hes harmless, she said.

11
I have had irrational fear before: Bigfoot, because my Uncle Jack told us kids
hed seen one in The Rocky Mountains. He knew it was female because it had breasts.
Tornados, because it was a force of nature, and who can control that? Icy roads, again a
force of nature, but also a bad accident when I was a kid and my mother hit an ice patch
and our little Volvo went spinning out of control and into the other side of traffic. And
drinking hard liquor, black-outs. But dammit, my fear of these things has kept me aware
and more importantly, alive, because sometimes the irrational becomes rational if the
event actually happens to you. When Twirler gets low blood sugar theres no arguing
with her. I could tell she needed food, so I gave in, like always, and we stayed put at our
campsite.
She ate a burger we grilled on the Coleman and her mood improved. Cant we
just have fun? I mean it is our vacation and all, she asked me. Then she hit me on the
arm with her food. Twirler was so beautiful a woman that sometimes I feared all men in
our vicinity. She had bleached-blonde hair that tousled playfully around her shoulders
making her look like a surfer-girl, an athletic build that showed her good genes, nothing
but muscle even though shed never worked out a day in her life. And eyes that lit up
every room she entered. She was kind, a good soul. I felt it off her the first second I laid
eyes on her, that, and the pain underneath. Men were always trying to get it on with her
when we went out. Thats one reason we didnt go to the bars anymore.
After we ate, I calmed too, and I cracked open a beer from the cooler. We
grabbed our camp chairs from around the weathered picnic table we had set up as our
dining room table and placed them on the side of the fire. Twirler started putting
condiments away in our coolers so they didnt go bad, on account we didnt have the

12
money to be replacing them as expensive as they were. Once everything was cleaned up
and we were seated in front of the round fire pit Twirler lightly put her finger out and
touched my arm to see if I could feel it, this being our favorite childish game. The sun
was just setting in the West, a beautiful red and orange streak through the Wisconsin
skyline. And the moon must have been a harvest one, because it was bigger than any
moon in memory and its light made the night seem like a dark variation of daytime,
maybe right before a storm. I reached out and grabbed my Twirlers hand. She smiled
and grasped mine back, and the overwhelming feeling of content crept into my heart
being there with the woman I loved more than life.
I decided to relax and smoke some weed so I pulled out my bag and a cd case to
deseed it on. Twirler made homemade cigarettes for us out of pipe tobacco and a roller,
us being too broke to afford the $5 a pack for regular smokes. We laughed and carried on,
smoking and telling stories about past lives before we had known each other, every day a
discovery, while the fire cracked from damp wood and the river conspired with the
crickets, whispering secrets around us.
Twirler told me a funny story about one time when she was trashed, she had gone
all day without eating on account that she was drinking, and for her, the two dont really
go togetheryou eat, or you drink. That point is probably why she ended up getting
wasted so often, but the woman is careless. It was getting to be the end of the night, and
her friend Sasha decided to put chicken on the grill. Twirler said that chicken had been on
the grill for near an hour when she opened the lid to look in on it because she was halfstarved and wholly drunk. She stood over that chicken with the smell wafting up into her
nose, and the smell of that there chicken set off Twirlers spit glands. She swayed back

13
and forth looking at the chicken and a single strand of spit came gliding from her mouth
and hovered over the grill; that long piece of drool nearly touched the delectable tops of
those perfectly grilled breasts. Well, Sasha seeing this quickly thought of saving the food
and set Twirler down in a chair, declaring the chicken cooked. Needless to say it was the
best damn chicken Twirler ever ate! This was my favorite story of the night.
We went out periodically collecting wood for the huge fire we built to keep warm.
The moon so bright we left the lantern by the fire and searched the grounds by the
moonlight. Leery of any of R.J.s snares, we stayed in our immediate campsite area. I
found an impressive log and acted like I was smoking it.
Twirler laughed and said, Youre just such a bad liar! Remember how you told
me you smoked logs that first night I met you? Hell, I could smoke you under the table
any day.
Oh yeah, wellshhhhwhat was that? I asked making Twirler jump and then
doubling over laughing at her.
She ran to where I was by the woods edge and hit my arm, Damnityou stop
that shit! She laughed too. I grabbed her arms and wrapped mine around her hugging her
tight and laughing into her neck.
You think Id let anything happen to you? No, I wouldnt . But I know sure as
shit that if Bigfoot came crashing through them woods right now, your ass would push
me out in front of you and youd start hauling ass outa hereleaving me in the dust.
She looked at me and batted her eyes, and smiled like a beauty. Damn right!
We returned from our adventures at the forest edge and sat close, holding hands,
staring into the blaze and living like our worlds werent about to change, but wanting it to

14
just the same. Living like we always dreamed we would when we hit the lottery, one day.
We made imaginary lists of items wed buy with our winnings, the kind of stuff the one
percent owned: A house with five bedrooms, it had to have a workout room and a pool
with one huge building for our vehicles; a black Nissan Altima 2-door with a spoiler on
the back; a smoke gray Chevy Avalanche for getting out in snow, and plane tickets to
Europe. We talked about how many animals wed save from cruel owners, with acres and
acres of open land, and of course we had to own a Mule to haul the hay for the feed. The
house would be perched on top of a rolling hill. We drove by the spot one day on our way
to South Dakota, an area near the Missouri River. The most beautiful land I had ever laid
eyes on. We declared it was to be ours one day, our Utopia, we knew it in our souls.
Twirler liked lists of things, but I was always happy just being with her, the material
never mattered to me much. But most things I did were to make her happy, so list-making
was usually on my agenda.
When I finally realized that Twirler was drunk, it was because she started slurring
her words. That was always my indicator, that, or her eyes would stare off beyond me
like they had no focus. I grabbed her hand and led her into the tent. I removed her shoes,
and got her aware enough to take off her jeans and put on her sweat pants as she
blabbered about how much she loved me.
I love you too, Twirler, I replied. I kissed her forehead as I covered her in the
blue, puffy, comforter we used for the top cover, opting for the softness of the sleeping
bag on the bottom, to sleep on top of. We left the top of the tent open even though it was
cold. We loved looking at the star-filled sky, especially when going to sleep. Sometimes,
when I was near a river the sky moved like I was lying on my back on a raft, rolling

15
down the river going somewhere. The stars brilliantly sparkled and the moon lit the night
sky, and I gazed up recognizing Gods creations and said a silent prayer, asking Him to
forgive my sins and keep us safe, as I did every night. But tonight, instead of the comfort
of my safe bed and the quiet of the country, I drifted off into the sound of the running
river, going places Ill never see, only dream of.

I woke with a panic sometime later. My heart in my throat and a sweat on my

forehead as if awakening from a nightmare, I had heard something. I lay in the tent
getting my wits about me, and as I became more alert, I realized that what I feared most
had happened. Twirler was gone from my side. I heard another noise from outside the
tent and held my breath so I could hear more clearly. I sat up waiting for the sound,
frozen in fear. Maybe Twirler just had to pee. A familiar feeling of fear swept into my
soul and I choked it back in shock. Where in the hell did that come from? It was like an
old friend from my childhood come back to see me, only difference was, this friend was
neither invited nor missed. Get it together, I told myself and tried to focus on sounds
surrounding our tent. The front of the tent was open, I noticed as my eyes tried to adjust
to being awake. The smell of burnt pine wood hung in the tent, the fire still cracked. I
tuned my ears to the sounds coming from beyond the tent; the river still swirling over
pieces of fallen trees, crickets still chirping, and another soundwhat was it? A muffled
sound came from outside. My heart flew outta my chest and my body leapt into action
I knew my Twirler was in trouble.
When I stuck my head out of the tent enclosure what I saw caused a rage to rise
up from me; that man, R.J. was on top of Twirler. To me it looked like he had one hand

16
over her mouth, the other held something up to her throat. He was facing the tree-line,
away from the tent, and closer to the fire. The moon was still bright enough that she
might see me coming. Good, was what I thought, I wanted her to know her fear would
soon be gone. Then I crawled out of the tent on all fours, steadying my body with my
hands on the ground and making sure nothing that could make noise was under me when
I rose to my feet. I crouched low to the ground as I moved forward, slowly, still holding
my breath. It reminded me of scenes from a movie, except this was real life and I was in
it. I now had one thought on my mind, and that thought was saving Twirler. I promised
her I would never let harm come her way again, not on my watch.

So I searched the area around our site for anything I could use as a weapon. My
gaze landed on: a lantern, a chair, the fire, a small metal tent stake, and then my eyes
came to the log I had acted like I was smoking from earlier. It was directly in the path to
them, as if God had made me place it there before I had gone to bedGod knowing all
like he did. I slowly crept across the twenty or so feet of mixed sand and grass to reach
the log waiting for me to grasp it as a club, begging me to wield it in defense of my love
from this predator of women. And after what seemed like an endless crawl I reached it.
It was Gods divine power that entered me as I hoisted the log over my head. God
and unconditional love for my Twirler that gave me the power to bring it down like a golf
driver. And in the final moment R.J. realized I was behind him, straddled, hovering just
atop his lower legs as he fumbled at her sweat pants, his pants down and exposing his ass.
He turned to look as the club impacted his head, and in turning the log drove his nose into

17
his brain. I remember Twirlers eyes getting all big and oogley, and the sick thwunk
sound like a spike being driven through a cantaloupe.

18
Chapter 2
Twirler
Hard to believe its been five years since we met. She was so cute that first night,
well, and plenty of nights after that. But that first night she looked star-struck, all puffed
out, trying to impress. It makes me laugh thinking back, but then I was so taken by her
aura. Everything that led to our meeting was like the gods got together and planned it all
out. It was truly weird, even to someone like me who doesnt believe in any kind of God.
What Bode relayed to me about that day was that her friends called her and told
her they were at Pride and that she needed to get her ass down there. She told them no,
she didnt feel like playing the game anymore, she was burnt out on women. They
laughed. Eventually they got to her and she gave them a time shed be at the bar. She
walked into the last bar, the bar I was at, after buying a half gram of coke and snorting
down a couple lines. She told me when she saw me it was like the heavens opened up and
there I was. Sweet, really.
I, on the other hand, came to Omaha from a small town in Western Nebraska
with my friend with benefits, Sasha. I wasnt in love with her; she just offered
something that I couldnt find where I was from. Sasha was in love with me and I
tolerated it because she was real nice, fun to hang out with, we enjoyed some of the same
things, and there was a major shortage of lesbians in my area. I think Sasha acted like she
enjoyed a lot of things merely because I did. Bode was different, she said she liked things
first, and then I said Oh my god so do I. Thats how we rolled. I was sitting in that bar
with Sasha when this woman came in real close to my seat at the bar, smiled, and said hi.
She had a beautiful smile, shoulder length brown hair with blonde highlights, gorgeous

19
blue eyes, nice teeth and a smile that highlighted them. Teeth are important; I dont care
what anybody says about that. She was dressed like she had money, not that I cared about
money, either, but it was more the look she had. Nice tan, buttoned up shirt open to see
her tan chest and gold necklace, carpenter blue jean shorts with Doc Marten sandals on
her feet and a blue dew rag on her head. She exuded coolness, so comfortable in her own
skin. I was intrigued. She bought Sasha and me a pitcher of beer and started asking
questions. Of course she wanted to know the extent to which Sasha and I were attached,
but she asked in a way that didnt let on that she was interested. And of course, Sasha
with her overbearing wanting-to-be-my-lover-way answered friends with benefits, and
made some weird look at me like we had huge secrets between us. I wanted to laugh
loudly, but I knew my insensitivity would probably bring her to tears, so I abstained from
it and settled for a roll of the eyes meant for Bode only. Bode smiled and took a long
drink off her beer, stealing a longer look at me over the top of her glass. I couldnt help
but let the heat rise up from me, consume me, and I felt like she knew it. Suddenly I was
losing my cool.
I took a drink of my beer trying to get back what little sense was left. Bode started
asking things about where I was from and what I did for a living, my age, what kind of
music I liked. I was so relieved for the small-talk and even Sasha joined in the
discussion, curious about this stranger.
Valentine, Nebraska. Secretary for a construction company. Thirty-five, and all
kinds.
Bodes eyebrows shot up in surprise, and she laughed at my silly way of
answering her. We started laughing that night and didnt stop.

20
Bode bragged about smoking, telling us she smoked logs. Soon Sasha found a
friend of Bodes whod give her information second-hand rather than from the horses
mouth, so she faced away from us, leaving the Bode and I to our own discoveries. I
remember the first time she touched me, acting like she was pointing out my belt, but my
shirt had come out of my pants and her hand grazed my side. Electricity sent a current
through the side of my body and I spilled my beer while attempting to drink. We laughed
and she apologized, but I had already felt the familiarity in her like wed known each
other our whole lives. Id never felt that in my life, and I was afraid Id never feel it
again.
Turns out that Bodes friend had plenty of warnings about Bode for Sasha. For
example shes a drug addict, she steals other peoples women, she steals, and shes a
drunk, an abuser, crazy, psycho, and a loner. It appears it would be easier to make a list
of who hadnt slept with her as compared to who had. Sasha wasted no time telling me
these things as I made my way across the crowded, smoke-filled bar to the restroom
situated in the back corner. She continued nagging as I relieved myself. I came out of the
stall still dripping from not taking the time to thoroughly wipe, my irritation boiling over.
Leave it be, I told her. Im just talking to her, and theres no harm in that.
She began to cry and at this point I was really over it. I turned my back to her and
walked straight to Bode.
Lets get high, I said. I grabbed her arm and led her out the back way, through
tangled women in tangled lies, tangled relationships, and tangled lives.

21
As we opened the back door to the cramped bar the air hit my face and cooled my
temper, as well as my skin. Her hand was still in mine and she turned me to her in a
spinning motion which brought us face-to-face. Our eyes locked and she smiled.
I can tell you might be a problem for me, I told her smiling back.
How so?
You gonna give me a ride to Valentine? Cause my ride just might leave me here
with you.
Id make the most of that situation, my dear.
She still held my hand and it was getting sweaty, but Id be damned if Id be the
one letting go. Music pounded out the back door, louder when it was opened. The change
in loudness was the only way I knew people were filing past us, in and out of the den. I
heard Gloria Gaynor proclaiming survival, a song that got the bar hopping and broken,
drunken women sang loud while Bodes eyes melted me. She bent her head sideways to
me and the moment I had wanted was there. She closed her eyes, and I mine, and then
soft lips met as her hand went to my jaw line and held it in a cupped embrace, tender and
loving like I felt inside she was.

Three weeks passed until I started getting text messages from Bode. She wrote: I

didnt know if you really wanted to talk to me or not.

I responded: I wouldnt have given you my number if that was the case,

especially with please call underneath it and a smiley face. I would have drawn a
Mr. Yuck face with a fake number underneath it.
LOL, Im relieved.

22
Apparently she had been going a little crazy in her head as to whether our kiss
was due to drinking all day.
Silly girl, I replied.

I was on cloud nine to be finally talking to my heart, my Bode. I had been

wondering if her friends words of advice were true and I was just a passing fancy in a
long list of conquests. After the texts of hello, and remember me, were done, we
were safe to begin calling each other. Every night on her break from work shed call, and
talk, and laugh. I had never laughed so much, never had anyone, ever, thought I was that
funny, but Bode had constant phone smiles for me. We went to sleep clinging out phones,
damning the distance between us, and vowing for a solution, soon. Turns out that solution
was only a week away, when unexpectedly Bode was drug-tested at work and failed. She
lost her job. A damn good job. She finally came to Valentine for a visit and I told Sasha,
on her birthday, that we were done. I was real sorry, but I found my true love.
The next day, Bode said fuck it to everything in her previous life, her family, her
friends, and moved out west to be with me.

When I was jarred out of my sleep, it was the feeling of needing air that awakened
me. My eyes flew open as I gasped to breathe. A person was directly in my field of
vision, and after I gained my senses I realized it was R.J. who held one hand over my
mouth, the other to my throat which suddenly felt warm.
No, no Ill hurt you little lady trust me on that one, he whispered.

23
He started pushing me quickly backwards, and consequently I lost my footing and
fell, hitting the ground full on the back of my head. The pain filled my head with a
whoozy swimming of reality, and looking back, I can say that was a blessing. I remember
him landing on top of me, I remember him fumbling at my pants, desperate in his look,
but hateful at the same time. I remember thinking why does he hate me so much? Then, I
saw Bodes figure behind him. She raised something big in the air and lowered it quickly
to connect with his face as he turned, probably realizing she was there. Then there was
that sound, and he fell to the side of me and blood spewed out his nose, and mouth, and
ears, quickly covering the ground beneath us. Spraying anything four foot in front of his
head at first contact, I was covered in the dead mans blood.
I sat upright pushing him all the way off of me and vomited, wrenching so hard
my stomach pulled against my skin, wanting more room to expand and expulse. Bode fell
to her knees and was crying and vomiting simultaneously. I put my hand on her back and
also cried. We knelt there, two feet from the smoking fire pit, and the river cried, too. Its
current getting faster towards morning, a new urgency to its flow, it woke us from the
nightmare and moved us to action.
Next thing I knew we just started doing things like on automatic pilot. We didnt
even discuss what would happen next, we just acted like we knew what the other was
going to do and went along. Bode looked at me and said that she saved me with Gods
help, and I better start giving him some credit. I nodded my head and told her I believed
her and I would really try. I felt like I needed to wash the blood off of me before touching
anything else, which I did with a bottle of water normally used for brushing our teeth.
Then Bode and I covered R.J.s head with a Walmart grocery sack and tied it securely

24
around his neck. We dragged him to the river, holding him by his feet. Bode was the one
who had to pull up his pants and secure them. She dry-heaved the whole time.
The sun was just starting to come up when we walked his body into the cold river,
the bag over RJs head seemed to wrestle with the water until it filled with the dirty river
sludge and calmed to its new home. A deer on the rivers edge lifted its head and
watched us as we let the body go, pushing him in towards the fast current, going as far as
we could with him until the threat of being sucked out was too great and we released him
to the wild currents of the Mississippi. We watched his body float for a while and finally
go under, the white of the Walmart sack guiding our gaze. Bode said that sometimes
when a body goes into a river its never found again. I prayed that this was the case with
R.J.
For Gods sake let the pig stay under, she said her head tilted towards the rising sun.
I felt like we were in a trance as we washed the blood from our bodies in the river.
Quietly Bode scrubbed with sand, oblivious to the freezing water. Her look was close to
catatonic, I worried that she had crossed the line to insanity and I asked her if she was
going to be ok.
I hope so, she responded.
It wasnt the first time someone had attempted to rape me, the only difference was
the first time he succeeded. It was when I was twenty-two years old. I guess according to
the laws now, it would have been considered date rape. Hard to prove in a small town,
especially when I enjoyed drinking like I did. You learn when youre a woman to take
things, wrong or right, and when you were a female you were wrong. My rapists
freedom assured me of that fact. Bode, too, had been raped, but she was younger, much

25
younger, when it happened. She never went into the total details, just said that it had been
a friend of her brothers. He caught her in his apartment, lured her in, and wouldnt let her
leave unless favors were granted to him. We swore to each other it would never happen
again, we were to keep watch on one another. Bode held up her part, and now I had to
take care for her. Her poor soul was blemished again. This time it was murder, and her
being as spiritual as she was I didnt know if she had it in her to rebound.
It took us a total of four hours to clean the blood from the ground, getting pots of
river water and pouring it over the spot until it dissolved into the dirt, no longer a dark
crimson. We tore down the campsite in another hour, making sure to take everything with
us. We even dug trash thrown into the fire out and put it into bags. Then we packed it all
in the trunk and drove away, not looking back at the dust kicking up behind the car as it
fishtailed across the gravel road and out to the interstate. I felt as though a ghost had
saddled up in the car with us, a silent witness to the crime.
After driving in silence on interstate lined with mile after mile of pine trees for
forty minutes, I finally asked Bode if she had a plan.
Nope, she answered shortly, not looking in my direction.
I told her I understood fully if she wanted to blame me for the condition of our
lives now. She began to cry so heavily she pulled off the road, and finally looked at me.
She grabbed my hand and kissed it and said, I could never blame you, Twirler.
You didnt ask to be attacked. I killed a man. How can you ever trust me again? She
looked at me like a five-year-old who needed punished.
But maybe I had asked to be attacked. I remembered another time when Bode had
accused me of not being careful enough with a man. It was the first weekend we went

26
camping together and we were tubing on the Niobrara River. It was after we had gotten
off the river, and everyone was wasted from drinking and smoking all day. Bode and I
were sitting on a picnic table with another couple, Bodes friends. Well, we heard
laughter behind us and a loud crashing in the river; there was Stevie Blevins naked with
Saran Wrap covering his penis, which was also covered with a hotdog bun, and ketchup
and mustard. He had just fallen into the river. Everybody laughed at first, even Bode, but
after fifteen minutes of him being naked at the campsite, Bode got pissed and blew up,
going into our tent. I just thought he was being a drunken asshole, nothing more. He
eventually ended up at my picnic table, talking to me, but he was standing in front of
menot at a good angle for someone to see from a distance. She came out of the tent and
what she saw caused an explosion. After Bode screamed at him to get his penis outta my
face, Stevie Blevins crawled into his tent and passed out. Ill never forget what Bode said
to me: Cant you ever put yourself into someone elses life, Sarah? What do you think
he wanted?
We almost broke up after that. Im sure all the people we were camping with
never thought wed make it this long. After that I tried to be careful, tried to be more
thoughtful. I tried, I tried.
I looked at the woman I loved who I thought would never trust me.
I held her hand so tight it couldve broken in two. Now you listen to me, I told
her. You listen, and you listen good. What you killed back there was a monster. You
saved my life. He had a knife to my throat and the mark proves it. I pointed to the slash
mark across my neck, aware of the throbbing for the first time since the attack. Youre
my hero, Bode. The love of my lifeits sealed youre not going anywhere.

27
She fell into my breast sobbing and I held her. Rocking like a mother soothing her
infant. I watched as cars flew by on the road. Those cars passengers unaware of the
womens life in this car, so innocently turned to crime.

28
Chapter 3
Bode

When we arrived in Madison, I had to drive on account that Twirler is chickenshit of driving in an urban area, and when I say urban I mean a population of over 30,000.
It was beginning to get cold in the mornings and at night, so I told Twirler we needed to
stop and get us some coats at the Army Navy Surplus Store, downtown.
She didnt realize that I had workings going on in my mind. You see, when she
was driving I had all that time to discuss with God what needed to happen for us. When I
say talking to God, its a hard image to give. Its not a voice that comes to me like you
might see on the old Bible movies from the 50s. You know the ones where Moses is
holding the tablets and his hairs gone white from speaking to God all up close and
personal. No, its more me praying, or thinking real hard on a subject, and suddenly
having an answer imprinted in my mind, a vision of sorts. Anyway, He gave me a clear
picture of taking care of business.
So I drove around the square trying to figure out where to park, and trying not to
hit a pedestrian while I was at it (which was a lot harder than youd think). I finally found
a parking spot that wasnt too far from the store. We went in, and I wasted no time in
picking out a long, black, wool duster coat, while Twirler preferred the shorter pea coat
version. Then, we left and walked down a little ways on State Street, fighting our way
through students that occupied Madison in the school months, making me feel like I was
Christmas shopping in October because of the mad crowds. I hated walking against a

29
mass current of people. We just needed to find an antique store. I was beginning to feel
like going into ramming mode when Twirler broke my agitation.
Your mood seems have improved from the car ride I mean wanting to shop
and all what happened?
I stepped to the side of a large crowd of students walking in a long row and pulled
Twirler over towards a trashcan by the curb. I reached in my pocket of my new coat and
pulled out a smoke and offered one to Twirler and lit it. I sucked in hard before
answering. I did some meditating I watched the corners of her mouth come up and
then the quick turn of her body, away from me. Dont you dare laugh.
She turned back around and smiled wide. She inhaled on her smoke and kicked at
the bottom ridge of the can. And?
And what?
Holy crap what did meditating tell you? God dang
I was hesitant to tell her, especially because she really was such an atheist. I
would get an eye roll from her. I always did when I brought up God. Finally I thought of
a way to tell her. I need to quit being a door mat take back my power. You too.
Her eyebrows arched high upon my last words, and she inhaled on her smoke
before responding. Oh, me too? Gods talking about me in your little fucking talks?
She laughed.
Cmon Twirler, hell. I stopped my words, there was just no use in going on and
telling her the rest, and so we finished our smokes and kept fighting through the crowds
until we reached the end of the street. I had to ask a stranger for directions to finally find
the store.

30
Turns out that the antique store I remembered had closed down. Wed have to
settle on a pawn shop. When we entered the corner shop there was people of all different
backgrounds milling about. There was a black couple holding hands in front of the
jewelry counter, laughing and playfully bumping into each others sides. A man who
looked to be Middle-eastern, or maybe from India, was showing a woman a TV and
boasting its features to her, and a young college age boy and girl with their hair hanging
in their eyes staring at the guitar wall, dreamily. Twirler wanted to look at the electronics,
so I left her to it, and I went to the jewelry counter to look at the necklaces.
An older man with long sideburns like Elvis came in front of me from behind the
counter. His hair was dyed jet black, and slicked back with something akin to lard. When
he smiled it revealed a gold tooth right in the front.
You look like a lady who knows what she wants what can I show you,
sweetheart?
When he spoke a kind of whistling happened on certain words, like he was
holding his tongue all wrong. The man oozed grossness. He smelled like two quarts of
Stetson cologne, and sure enough, when I looked over the counter at his feet, he had
pointy cowboy boots on. His hands were adorned with big gaudy man-rings; one, in
particular was a goat head that looked of satanic origin, the eyes were rubies. Another,
the one on his pinky, was pure gold that held a huge blue stone as big as his little finger.
His white shirt was open far too wide for the ordinary man, showing his enormous pile of
chest hair, which was black and white, mixed. Lying atop the nest of hair, was a thick
gold necklace with an Italian horn charm the size of a small rodent, nestled in. I felt my
expression change.

31
So you like the boots? he whistled.
They sure are fine, but I was more in mind of a cross necklace.
Oh sure, we got plenty of those in this back case. He walked toward the case on
the other side of the square he was standing in, and I followed along the edge of the glass
display to where he stood. Is it for a gift?
I ignored his question and gazed into the case. And almost immediately my eyes
caught glimpse of it; a silver Celtic cross, two inches long, one inch wide, on a thick,
long, silver chain. It felt like God led me to the one I had envisioned during my
meditation.
After wrangling the price down to $45, I paid for the necklace, and then asked if
he had knives, and not the kitchen variety, more like for hunting. He slithered over to
another case and leaned against it as he searched my face with his beady, dark eyes. His
shirt sleeves were rolled up and I noticed that the chest hair was not a fluke. He crossed
his hands one over the other and he leaned into the glass.
What you need the knife for?
Have you worked here long, mister? I asked him. I kept my head in the case,
not looking up.
This is my shop. I own it, he said.
Then you should know better n to ask that.
I never looked at him again and I pointed to an 8-inch blade with a white bone
handle and leather carry-case. That one there will do me fine. I paid him and he bagged
it up, avoiding my eyes, too.

32
I had to wrangle Twirler away from the gadgets before she spent our wad on
account that she loved technology. I always said that if somehow we ended up in some
apocalyptic event I had to be sure not to lose her. She knew how to start a fire with
nothing more n a battery and a wad of steel wool. Who knows that shit? She could also
fix any damn thing of ours that broke, and I mean anything. She bought a pile of what she
called essentials, and I swear I heard her say flux capacitor and some other kind of
filange when I asked what she had. But then again, I was not the fixer of material
things in our family.
We walked back to the car through the students, only the walk back was full of
men in flannel shirts and trucker hats tipped off their head sideways, and looking at me
from around the backs of pretty girls walking close together and smiling. I tried to
dismiss this type to a trick of the light.
When we reached the car I showed Twirler my necklace and had her help me
fasten the clasp. I kept the knife a secret. I now had the look I was going for, the one from
my imprint with God; the look the men would see when I came at em. Maybe, the last
thing they would see. Twirler commented that I resembled the dude from that movie, The
Matrix, but holier and like a woman. I laughed.

After smoking a few cigarettes to clear my head, and us talking about what to do,
I decided it was time to visit Slim. Slim was a man Id dated when I was fifteen years old.
He was twenty years my senior. The thing about Slim is that when I told Twirler that I
had dated a guy who was twenty years my senior, she understood and said, Thats
creepy. But most other people in my life didnt see how that was bad. I wondered if they

33
had ever been in a position where someone was older than they were, much older, and
wanted sex. How exactly does a fifteen year-old know how to tell a thirty-five-year-old,
no?
I lied and told Twirler that we needed to get the car checked out to make sure it
could handle the rest of the drive to New York. As we pulled around the corner of
Fordem and East Towne Boulevard, I spotted the shop. The sign above the one stall
garage needed painting. The letters Slims Auto were a light grey where they used to be
black, and the white paint on concrete was chipped and peeling, the chips lying in piles
along the side of the gravel entrance. There was a little office to the side of the shop, but I
remembered this to be Slims living area.
I lit another cigarette as I put the car in park and turned off the motor grabbing my
mirror sunglasses from the middle console, along with the leather case that held my knife
while Twirler was preoccupied looking at the weathered shop.
You sure about this?
I told her I was, and I opened the car door and the cool, fall breeze ushered my
smoke through the shop door. I closed the car-door and an old man came walking out of
the shop.
Well, hello there, he smiled. He teeter-tottered on rickety legs, walking towards
me. And when I say teeter-totter I mean his whole body on one side went up, and then
down while the other side went upteeter-totter.
My mouth hung open in shock, and I closed it. I swallowed the lump back down.
Was this could it possibly be the same man I had dated 25 years previously? He
had smiling bright blue eyes that seemed to shine, but everything else was different. His

34
bright red hair, now peppered with mostly white strands. He still had the beard, but it,
too, was grey. His body was truly slim, but back when I knew him his name was a joke.
Now a shell of Slim stood before me, studying my features.
Do I know you? You look familiar.
Naw, were not from this area, I said. I fingered the leather case in my pocket.
We asked around for a trustworthy mechanic and your shop was mentioned.
At this point Twirler came outta the car looking at the older man, and then back at
me, questioningly.
Well, what was it you needed done? I havent worked commercially for about
five years now, but Id be willing to help you out best I can. He put his hand out, and
reluctantly I shook it. Im Jay, but you can probably figure out from the old sign, they
call me Slim.
I threw my cigarette into the gravel and crushed it with my boot. Jodi, I said.
And this here is Sadie. I nodded to Twirler. I knew that names were a dangerous
business, and I wasnt looking to spark any more memories in the man standing before
me.
If you could just take a look under the hood and look at the belts, I mean make
sure that theyll get us to New York and back. Maybe, check all the fluids?
Id be glad to, New York huh--family up there?
You could say that, I smiled. Were gonna start a shit-storm on Wall Street.
Protesting.

35
He pulled up his sagging trousers and walked closer to the car, and a little too
close to me. I quickly backed up, and then tried to correct my step, in doing so, I tripped.
I seethed at the thought of him in me. I was thankful for the sunglasses.
You alright ? He lifted his arm to steady me.
I put my arm out to block his help. Im fine Thanks.
Well, pull her in the shop, and Ill see what I can do for you. He turned and
went through the garage and in a few seconds the garage doors opened.

I wondered how I would get up my nerve with Slim being so nice. He had me
pull the car in and then offered us each a soda. Then he went to work under the hood,
talking as he worked. I told Twirler as we sat at Slims dining room table (actually a
square card table with three fold up chairs), that we needed to be safe about the car. I
wasnt willing to break down in unfamiliar territory and have to rely on strangers
kindness to get home. Times like these we werent bound to make it far on kind deeds.
She nodded her head and looked pleased at my planning.
Howd you come by Slims name for the car repair? she asked. Was it at the
pawnshop?
Yeah, that owner in there said he uh, did some work for him. Thankfully,
she gave me the answer. Its not that I wanted to be untruthful to Twirler, I was just
keeping her safe from what I might do. She might not understand what I had against
Slim, maybe shed try n talk me out of it. My heart was already in my throat with fear of
my own plan, and Slims appearance put me in doubt of my own justification for killing
him. I closed my eyes and silently prayed for a sign.

36
When Slim had been with me it was many years previous, and yes, it was wrong
for a thirty-some-year old man to be with a fifteen-year-old, but those were different
times. I lived in danger daily, we all did, well the kids that I ran with, anyways. What,
with always being only with kids, no adults ever around, and if adults were around us
they were hardcore criminals using us to deal, steal, or cop a feel. All of my friends had
parents who worked or parents that were gone in some waydead, or wasted, or gone.
As if he was reading my mind, Slim popped his head up from under the hood. I
remember now, he exclaimed excitedly. I remember who it was you reminded me of.
Her name was Bea short for something. Damn, that was long ago. He smiled and
seemed to be looking in the recedes of his mind. She was a pretty thing and young
too. Still in High School, but a senior eighteen for sure, maybe nineteen. Only woman
I ever loved.
He said the last words and kept looking up in the air, like he was picturing me as
some kinda angel hovering over him.
Well, if I never said this before, I will now, memory is a funny thing, because
how I remembered us, (Slim and I), was him climbing up on me to get his rocks off and
me wishing it over, feeling violated most of the time, and the heavy smell of gasoline
coming off of him about choking me as he huffed and puffed away. But now, I was
hearing how he was in love with me, and seeing on his face he meant it. Not only that,
but feeling Twirlers eyes burning into my face as she connected the dots. I glanced
sideways at her and shook my head quickly, pursing my lips together as I did so.
Well, I get that a lot, Slim. People say I have a familiar face. I paused and
wiped my hands on my jeans to get rid of the dampness gathered in my palms. I went on,

37
Comparing me to cousins, dead aunts, best friends, you name it, Ive been compared.
And now I can add ex-girlfriend to the list, I laughed in my high nervous voice.
Hmph, he grunted. Some things are just better left to memory. He looked
sadly down at the engine. Well Jodi, looks like its gonna take me a bit to get this tuned
to perfection. Why dont you ladies take advantage of the Bar and Grill next door and
relax a little while I work without flapping my gums. He smiled half-heartedly and
buried his head back in the engine.
Food. Thats an idea I can get behind. I stood up and began walking out the
door and across the gravel driveway, not waiting for Twirler. When I felt we were safely
out of earshot of Slim, I turned around. Ill tell you everything inside.
Everything, she replied. It was not a question.
The bar was like every other bar Ive ever been in in my life; smelled of urine
mixed with fryin grease, and was dark. The female bartender smiled wearily at us. We
sat in a booth next to a window facing the body shop. Twirler insisted that I switch seats
with her so she could see the door.
You ladies need a menu? The bartender called out.
Yes, please.
Twirler kept her mouth shut while the bartender/waitress brought our menus over
and rattled off the specials. She had her hair pulled up behind her head in some sort of
bun with a pen stuck in it and the usual low-cut shirt which showed parts of her bra and
skin-tight jeans. I wouldnt have noticed normally, if it wasnt for this womans age; well
over fifty. I remember thinking times like these havent changed much for women,
always having to appeal to some mans sexual appetite to make a living.

38
She reminded me of a girlfriend I had when I first moved to Omaha. Her name
was Angela, and she worked as a bartender in a strip club. She was a lot older than me,
too. I was 20-years-old and she was 36. Angela dressed in skimpy clothes to go bartend,
and the rule was that I was not allowed in the bar, ever. I asked her, Why you got dress
like some kinda hooker to go to work? Her answer was simple, tips, a girls gotta make
a living.
The waitress told us shed be back for our order and went back to the lone man at
the bar, drowning some kind of sorrow in a tall glass.
Twirler turned on me like a bobcat, You mind telling me whats going on in that
head of yours and be careful with your answer, Im not above leaving your ass!
I guided my hand across the window edge and along to where it met the wall. I
didnt lie viciously, I stammered. Its well, its Damnit! Its not like I was
planning on hurting you, or trying to get one over on you. I burst out suddenly. Its just
that the incident at the river brought up some things in my own life that I just kinda need
to deal with, you know?
I can understand that. What I cant understand is why you didnt trust me with
that to begin
The waitress brought our water over and asked if we were ready to order,
stopping Twirler mid-sentence. Id like a red-beer, please, Twirler responded.
Make that two, I said. Ill come up there and order our food after weve had a
chance to check the menu. Thank-you maam. The waitress walked away and before she
could make it totally back with the beer I saw Twirlers lips jerkin down in a weird way.
Her lips quivered and she turned full away from my gaze. After our beers were dropped

39
off I grabbed her hand. Hey now, itll be okay. Youll get your food, I promise. Not
knowing what else to do, I joked with Twirler, and she slapped my hand and smiled
through her anger.
I just dont know whats going to come of all this, Bode. she wiped at her eyes
and stared out at the passing vehicles. What the hell is that old man to you anyway? And
Bode She shuddered. Did you see his nails? Gross. She put a hand out on the table
and began inspecting her own nails. Why did you have to see him?
I looked outside, too. Should I tell her? I fidgeted in the booth, suddenly aware of
a wedgie in my undies, and the more I tried to ignore it, the more it begged to be removed
from my crack. These things always seemed to happen in delicate times. I couldnt just
brawl my way out of the situation with Twirler and take off for the ladies room, I needed
to tell her. Okay, well, remember how I told you bout that guy I dated who was so
much older than me
Oh God, she moaned.
Yeah, its not its not exactly pretty. Hell, Twirler that was when I was
trying to be straight. I tried to explain, but she didnt even look like she was paying
attention to me anymore. Do you want to hear this?
I dont know I think its going to gross me out. She guzzled the rest of her
beer and then looked over to the bar. She held her glass up and shook it until the
bartender looked over and nodded. Okay, so what? Why did you have to see the creepy
Mc Creepy with the grimy nails?
I wanted to hurt him. I felt like he wronged me being so damn old and
knowing I tried to reign it all back in, and down. When I felt steady, I continued.

40
You know how it is when youre trying to be accepted by doing something thats well
hell, its just not in you the lie we live with?
She nodded, paying attention again.
That was him and I But I swear he knew it.
What do you mean he knew you were gay?
Yeah, I nodded and took a big gulp of my beer. And I think he tried to fuck it
outta me! My voice rose. Twirler put her hand on my arm and looked at the bar.
Shhhh keep it down. Oh my God. I mean I saw another shudder go
through her. Okay, so say he did. Say he knew. What in the hell can you do about it
now?
Dont you think its wrong, Twirler?
Wrong? Wrong? Her eyes got wide and she ran her hand through her hair. Hell
yeah, its wrong She got her head down close to the table and lowered her voice.
Bode, what were you going to do to him?
I looked down at the table. The moment was here. Lie, or be straight and tell the
truth. I want to kill him.
She choked on her beer mid-gulp and she began to cough. Beer sprayed out of her
mouth, but her hand stopped most of the big streams. I got up and went around to her side
of the table and began to pat her back while she choked and coughed.
The bartender was suddenly behind me. You alright, sweetheart? Here, she
handed Twirler a clean bar rag.
Thank you, I smiled. Shell be okay went down the wrong tube

41
Twirler nodded to the woman. She wiped her face. Uh she cleared her throat
a couple of times. Whew could have died, she wheezed out through more throat
clearing. Whew do I ever feel like an ass. Im okay. Thank you. She turned to the
bartender and smiled. She wiped some more on her eyes.
And I dont know what came over me, but I began to laughand not just a little.
Twirler just stared at first. A little angry but the harder I laughed, the harder
she tried to hold hers back. Then the bartender smiled and she laughed, too, looking at
Twirler. After a minute she laid her hand on Twirlers and leaned her head back, laughing.
That got Twirler going, and there we were three fine women, laughing at the absurdity
of life. Holding our bellies at the pain but all the while wanting more.

After the laughing incident, the bartender cleaned our table up and gave us a free
beer. For the good time, she said.
Twirler and I began to play pool. She stared at the door when it opened. Looking
like she was expecting someone.
So what you told me earlier You arent still thinking like that, right? You
know thats nuts, right?
Yeah I know its nuts. I chalked my stick and leaned down into the pool table
to see my shot. But I still wanna kill em. I shot the ball and came back up and leaned
against the table. I rested my folded hands on the cue, and the stick leaned on my leg.
Give me a hundred and fifty dollars.
What? Fuck you.

42
Seriously give it to me. Twirler walked across the length of the pool table
until she was standing directly in front of me. The way she stood made me
uncomfortable. And now her nose was almost touching mine. I froze my muscles, my
breathing, too. She glared into my eyes. I could smell the beer off of her breath.
You pull any shit with Slim and Im gone. She whispered into my face. We
clear?
I saw in her resolve, and I tensed. She grabbed my hand.
Im not kidding no crazy, comprende?
Yeah, I said.
And dont lie to me again. She let loose my hands and walked back towards the
other side of the table, watching the door while she walked.
And me, not knowing what else to say, lied, I wont Twirler, I wont.

We ate pizza and drank beer like it was the good ol days again. Twirler played
games with her food, trying to make me laugh and forget about her almost-tears. She
picked up a piece of pizza and slapped it against my arm, leaving a slime of grease and
sauce. Of course it worked, no-one ever made me laugh like Twirler. We put money in
the jukebox like we had it, and sang along with Bob Seeger like we meant it, Roll Me
Away. The bartender even joined in on the song. When six oclock finally rolled around
we had forgotten about the car until Slim hobbled in and sat next to me at the bar. Twirler
put her jaw hard and watched me.
Slim, what you drinking? I asked. It probably sounded too damn friendly, but I
wanted to make sure that Twirler heard me.

43
Oh now, Jodi, I quit drinking alcohol years ago, but Ill take an iced tea, he
nodded at me and Twirler. Good news on your car, I had everything I needed to get her
fixed up just laying around the shop collecting dust. So all you owe me is nothing.
I acted shocked. Aw Slim, I couldnt.
Now Jodi, I insist. I had so much damn fun working on your car Id feel like a
robber taking anything from you two. Made me realize why I opened my shop to begin
with. And, I might just come out of retirement. She oughta run like a real champ, too. Get
you to New York and home with no problem. He smiled like a child.
I excused myself and went into the bathroom. I went into the stall and leaned
against the side. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck! I punched the wall. I heard the door to
the restroom open.
Bode, you in here?
Yeah I opened the stall door. In here.
Ive been thinking, she said. I waited for her to spit out what she had to say.
How do you know your message is from God, or even that He, she made quote
marks in the air, even heard you?
I thought about this, and thought about the easiest way to answer that would
somehow be in my favor. Well, thats a good question. Im not sure I know how to
answer you.
Humph, she responded. Please tell me you see how fucked up that is? I mean,
how could you possibly place a major decision on Gods will, but then not be able to tell
how you know its real? It kind of sounds like the crap you told me your Dad did when

44
you were a kid, constantly moving and telling the family it was Gods will every time.
Right?
Yeah, I said reluctantly. He did I could never understand how he knew.
Exactly! Yet every single time the move went bad thats what you said.
True, and then Bryce said that our Dad was praying wrong the whole time
Like he fuckin knows. Bryce is my oldest brother still living. He joined a cult twentysome-years ago when he was twenty-five, and living in the twin cities. Ever since, he
thinks him and God are best buds, kickin it.
I hate to say it, Bode but your family has a history of taking Gods messages
all wrong. She pursed her lips together, shook her head, and leaned against the stall,
crossing her arms in triumph in front of her chest.
Im willin to let it go, but theres no way that hes doing the car work for free!
All right all right choose your battles. Its your money. She opened the
stall and walked out. Cmon, Im ready to leave.
I walked out of the bathrooms and moved across the length of the bar until I stood
next to Slim at the bar. So if you were to charge for the work you did on my car how
much would that look like?
He had been talking to the waitress like they were friends, or maybe
acquaintances. Oh, I dont know Mmmm, well probably close to $200 for the labor
and parts. Thats a rough guess. Close enough for you to brag about saving on your road
trip. He laughed. The waitress laughed, too.
I pulled out my wallet while they continued talking, and took out two crisp one
hundred dollar bills and two twenties. The twenties I laid down in front of the waitress

45
and smiled. That should cover our drinks and pizza, the rest is yours. And, I laid the
two hundred dollar bills in front of Slim. Here you go, Slim thanks for the fix. We
need to get going.
Heres your keys thanks for everything, and geez, this is too much. He said.
He held the bills in his hand and looked up at me and his eyebrows arched like a
caterpillar inching forward. You need some change Cindy, give me change for this,
will you?
I grabbed Twirlers arm and began to walk towards the door. Thanks again, I
called over my shoulder. At the threshold of the door I opened it, Twirler close behind
me.
And a call came out after me from the bar. Goodbye girls Take care,
Beatrice!

46
Chapter 4
Twirler

After leaving Slims shop and tearing Bode a new asshole for keeping secrets, I
was exhausted. I begged Bode to sleep in a hotel, after-all we needed showers and a little
privacy to talk about our predicament, now that we were outlaws. She gave in to me, as is
usual, even though Bode had close to a hundred cousins in the area where we could have
stayed, but privacy would have been an issue. So we checked in to the Budget Inn on the
northeast side of town, the side where Bode used to live, and brought our bags into the
floor level room situated on the farthest corner from the office. Bode had to make sure
she arranged for two beds because of my night terrors. I feel so bad when I slug her in my
sleep, but its just one of those things, like my sleep walking, that I cant control.
Bode said she was tired, too, and asked if we should do some laundry. Wed only
been gone two days, but it felt like two weeks. I knew as well as she did that we had
clothes that needed evidence washed out of them. We might as well throw some in while
we tried to relax. Not that I even thought that was possible anymore, but maybe
something close to not being on a high-alert was possible. So Bode collected laundry
while I stripped the bed of the top cover and replaced it with the puffy comforter. I get
the heebie-jeebies from hotel linen; there was just no way of knowing the last time it was
put in a washer. Not that I was uppity, hell, far from that, I just liked to be clean. Bode
took the laundry to the middle passageway of the Hotel and I proceeded to take a shower.
Feeling the hot water against my back and shoulders I began reflecting on the
events of the last twenty-four hours; a man attempts to rape me, and Bode kills him. Why

47
was this kind of shit always happening to me? I felt like I was a good person. Not into
bad things. I just liked to drink. Hell, it wasnt always my fault. The scrubbing of my skin
to get rid of any signs of the previous day began to spark memories of another bath time:
the first day of school bath; the bath my stepfather John gave me to prepare for beginning
of the school year. John believed in giving a good first impression, I guess, because any
other day of the year we could bathe ourselves. But the night before the first day of
school I had to be humiliated with John scrubbing the shit outta my skin and head. No
place was out-of-bounds either, but it wasnt like he was being sexual, just flat-out crazy.
I loved to tell Bode my life story and get her to crying. Not because I liked to
make her cry, but because I loved to see how tender hearted she is. Id tell her how when
I was a baby my momma didnt want me so I was in an orphanage with no one to love
me; I was all alone. Id kind of drag out my last word to make it sound so pitiful, like I
was a child talking. Her eyes would tear up and shed say I would have loved you. It is
just so sweet to see; the bear getting all marshmelly-like. Unfortunately, the story went on
to when I was finally adopted and after three years my Dad left my Mom alone again.
That is until she remarried a monster, John; my older brother, who was also adopted, and
I, suffered many cruelties because of him.
John liked to be in charge of all things. He was the Man. One time, he made my
brother Dave and I work outside all day and wouldnt allow us a drink of anything.
When youre done there in the grass, get into that garage and sweep!
But Im thirsty and its 101 degrees out here. It must be hotter in the garage. I
complained.

48
What the hell did I tell you about complaining? If I can take it, so can you. I am
not raising any bitching, sniveling, little spoiled brats! Now get your ass in that garage!
His black hair was slicked back with some type of grease, and now a drip of it ran down
the side of his face and into his ear. He wiped it away and walked to the shade where his
ice cold drink was sitting on a picnic table. He stood there staring at me for a second, and
a smile graced his pig-face as he raised the drink to his mouth, paused for another
moment for impact, and then let the liquid run into his mouth and down the front of his
shirt as he drank.
My mother walked out of the house with a tall glass of tea in her hand, ice cubes
clinking as she walked. Her sunglasses made her look like a super-star. Only she wasnt
wearing them to look glamorous, but to hide a black eye inflicted the night before by
John. She was so skinny that she resembled Karen Carpenter in the face, but with much
shorter hair. She had developed a way of taking control of her life, but it wasnt a healthy
one. Not eating was her way of showing John whose boss. Accept it never bothered him;
he expected his women to be thin.
I figured youd be ready for a refill, she called out as she walked into his shady
oasis.
Aw, thats perfect Lover, slime bag answered, pulling her to him, kissing her
and swatting her ass at the same time. It must be the honeymoon moment after the fight, I
thought. They had all kinds of typical ways of acting. I recall this made me puke a little in
my mouth every time I witnessed it.
Can we have a bathroom break before we go in the garage, I asked taking
advantage of the distraction.

49
Sure honey.
Dont go undoing everything Ive done for your brats! He directed at my
mother, I say when they get to use the bathroom.
My mother looked down and mumbled an apology. Then she grabbed his open
hand and whispered in his ear. He smiled like the Cheshire cat and hollered, Ok, but
dont let me hear that water running in the house. I can hear when its on yknow. My
mother began nuzzling into Johns neck and I looked at my brother and nodded at the
house as we began our retreat into the cool shelter.
John didnt realize how kids got smart real fast in his world. Dave and I went
into the bathroom together and stared at the faucet. From the mirror I could see both our
beet red faces, and I had quit producing sweat. I was light-headed and Dave could see I
wasnt right.
Hold tight lil sis. Ill find something for us to drink. He looked into the toilet
and then back at me. I shook my head sideways. Wait a minute, I got it! He reached
behind the stool and lifted the back off. This here water is pure, no crap in it. He wont
hear it run because it dont need to. Clasp your hands together like this. He made a cup
with his hands to show me how, and then dipped his own hands in bringing it back out
and up to his mouth. He slurped loudly and smiled when his cup was empty. Well
show that son-of-a-bitch! His blue eyes sparkled against the white crisp of the sterile
bathroom. The cow lick in front of his buzz cut stood up and made his head look pointy.
The redness was leaving his face being replaced with its natural tan glow. He sat down on
the stool and smiled while I drank.

50
Id like to kill that cock-sucker! If I could be sure I wouldnt get caught, Id do
it! You know I would too! Id slit his throat from one side to the other without a second
thought. Dave clasped his hands together pretending to choke something that wasnt
there. Fucking bastard!
I eagerly dipped my clasped fingers into the back of the toilet and brought the
cold liquid to my lips, slowly at first, but then greedily refilling my hands one after
another. I felt my wooziness leaving my head. Dave was only one year and a half older
than me, but was always my protector before he was sent off to prison.
I grinned as I wondered if we would ever be delivered from our life of continuous
torture. Dave would get out before I did. Not the way he wanted, but still he was free
from this incessant torturing and belittling. Maybe Johns lessons taught him how to
survive in the pen. Thirty years later and I am still trying to figure out what it did for me.
The memories kept coming to me with the warm water falling down against my
body. I remembered how, when I was four, I peed the bed and John didnt like that kind
of behavior in a four year old. He stripped my bed of all linens and blankets and made me
sleep naked, wet, and cold, all night long. When we did get to go out to eat, only to
impress distant relatives, he had to have the first drink of us kids soda. Hed put his lips
on the straw, take a huge drink and leave strands of saliva hanging off the straw. Then he
would smile as he handed it back to me, relishing in the disappointment lingering behind
my eyes. When we ate spaghetti, we had to hold the fork and spoon exactly right, his
way. One time I guess I didnt. He grabbed my hand and smashed it into my plate,
swirling my hand through the sauce and noodles, making me eat the rest of the meal with
it hanging off my hand. Another spaghetti incident, possibly the same night, he picked up

51
the pan and slung it at my mom, just missing her head by an inch, red sauce mixed with
angel hair pasta decorated the dining room wall. And still another time, we were going
somewhere in the car. I must have kicked the back of Johns seat and he hauled off and
back-handed me in the face, connecting with my nose. I told John, Im bleeding. He
responds that I wasnt. To which my mother puts her hand under my nose and gets some
blood on her hand and shows John saying, Well then, what the hell is this ketchup?
I was five years old.
I dont know what caused me to start acting out at school, whether it was the
constant abuse by John, or the teasing by other kids. They called me a boy because my
hair was short, and of course there was teasing for having freckles. I was an awkward kid,
Ill admit that, but children are cruel like no other. Anyways, I started giving head to the
boys at school for money around age fourteen. I figured thats what guys wanted and I
wasnt losing anything from it. If anything I was using them for financial gain.
Unfortunately, these instances of financial gain would come back to haunt me during my
assailants rape trail, and I was made to look like I deserved to be raped. I had asked for
it. Anyway, it was also around the same age that I began to get very good at track. I was
breaking records and was hopeful for a possible scholarship to college. That was when
my mom stepped in and made me quit as a discipline for not coming home on time. I
never could understand this way of thinking, and to this day I think my life would have
been different had I been able to stay in track. But then I wouldnt have met my Bode. I
still run its just not from the same demons as they were back then, but demons just the
same.

52
In the shower, with the steaming water washing over me, and the scrubbing action
trying to cleanse my soul, only brought more dirt to the surface. Kind of like a rain
shower in the desert, the rain drops exposing things buried in the sand; bones of the dead.

Bode came back in the room after I had finished off drying myself and was
getting dressed for bed.
Howd the laundry facilities look?
Oh, theyre okay, I guess. I have one load in the dryer and another in the washer.
Ill have to get back out there so no one takes our shit. This aint the best side of town.
She sat down on the bed next to me and smiled leaning onto one side she began to tick
lightly on my arm.
Bode, I know this isnt your favorite subjectbut what the hell are we doing?
The smile left her face and she grunted in dissatisfaction like a child who just had
a toy taken away. I dont want to deal with this shit right now, she said. She got up
from the bed and grabbed a beer from the cooler. Cracking it open, she took a long gulp
out of the can and looked outside the window to avoid my eyes.
Okay thenwell just live oblivious to all the consequences of what we did.
Will that make you happy? Just ignore this shit and it will go away, right? Youre
beginning to sound like me maybe too much like me
Look, she interrupted. I already told you I have a plan. It was given to me by
God, so I doubt I need to tell you and get your approval on it. Just trust in a higher power
for once in your lifeyou told me you would tryor was that just some bullshit to quiet
me down for the time being? She took another drink off of her beer and walked in front

53
of the bathroom vanity and began pulling out toiletry items out of her bag. I got this,
babe. I know whats coming down the line I just need a little time.
Coming down the line?
Im no fool. You dont just kill a man and walk away. I know Ill be seeing some
time behind bars good Lord you take me for some kind of idiot, dontcha?
Cmon Bode, no! Youre one of the smartest people I know. I stood up and
walked closer to where she stood arranging her hair product on the vanity. Thats why I
dont understand what is going on in your head. Waiting can only make matters worse.
Dont you think it was justified? I asked. Im a witness to it. We still got marks on us.
They can find his body look at the evidence. You dont have to go away neither of
us has to go away.
His body aint gettin found, Twirler. We dumped him in the Mississippi not
some small stream. She said this matter-of-factly and looked at me through the mirror
image. We dont even know his real name I doubt he told us the truth about that. Not
some damn pervert like him. She shook her head, No, we cant count on justice. Bode
finished her beer in another gulp and went to the cooler and grabbed another, her third in
10 minutes. She continued, Your whole experience with the law should have told you
that. Dont you learn from life, Twirler? Did the man who raped you get justice? Life
aint fair theres a reason people say that shit cause its true! She began pulling
clothes out of her bag and putting them in the drawers, looking irritated. No, I got things
to do. This she said mostly under her breath, like she was talking to herself. I dont
need much, but I need time to make sure plenty sure. Then she spoke up louder and
said, Weve been wronged, Twirler, and frankly Im sick of being a victim. She

54
stretched her back by leaning backwards with her hands resting above her butt cheeks.
Then she relaxed her back and a look came over her face of resolve and she took another
drink of her beer. It aint gonna happen no more not if I have a say in the matter.
She sat down in the chair and looked down in her lap at her beer as if looking into a
reflection pool. She nodded her head once and raised her beer and finished it off. She
looked at me, Im doing this shit with or without you.
Wait now, Bode. Is this plan of yours from God like that shit with Slim? Because
if it is like I said earlier, give me money for a bus and Ill head straight for home. Im
dead serious. I lowered my voice to a soothing tone. Promise me you arent going to
make matters worse? If you can promise me that, I will follow you anywhere.
Worse for who, Twirler. The way I see it things cant get much worse.
I didnt know it then, but I was about to find out how you go from worse to more
worse, and Bode was going to show me.

55
Chapter 5
Twirler
Bode wanted to visit the apartment she grew up in, so we began driving along
Lake Mendota past mansions that Id never conceived of in my imagination. Some were
white with stucco walls, and circle, or wrap-around drive-ways. Huge bay windows that
didnt reveal their insides teased me as we drove. Some houses had tennis or basketball
courts visible in the rear, toward the lakeside of the view. Still more had patios on top of
roofs, their metal fences and padded patio furniture visible along the top ridge of the
house gave them away. Bode knew these roads like her own face in the mirror, and she
followed the curves and twists in the road without even a pause of concern for direction. I
asked her about this, and she replied she had to go through the glitz to get to her middle
school. There were only four blocks and a Lagoon between the streets that housed these
mansions and the apartments Bode grew up in. She told me that many of the occupants of
these fancy homes were her childhood friends, although she had never been inside of one.
They werent those kind of friends, she said. It made me wonder what these types could
possibly get from a friendship with a latchkey kid who ran the streets freely.
We reached the end of the mansions, and the lake reached out with its beauty and
made me catch my breath. How perfect these mansions looked reflected in the water with
huge hundred-year oak trees resting in front of them. The sloping beaches reaching up
into perfectly cut lawns, some adorned with tree-swings, docks that harbored yachts, and
houses that looked to be made out of glass from the lake-view. What a beautiful back
drop Bode had to enjoy as she ran her streets of children without fathers, and kids with
more money than they knew what to do with. How could two worlds so opposite be so

56
close to each other? There was a warming house to the side of the water for ice skaters to
keep warm in the winter. It was painted with colors of purple, orange, and yellow, with
concrete pillars holding the brightly colored roof in place. Bode said they would sit by the
fire-place inside of it after ice-skating and drink Hot-cocoa. If she could convince the
worker to not charge her for a cup, or getting one of those mansion-kids to spring for it,
then shed be happy the rest of the week.
We drove through more twists and turns and came to the dilapidated side of town;
Bodes childhood neighborhood. A closed Eagles Food Store stood empty on the corner
of a street, across from the park with soccer fields and a rundown football field, enclosed
behind a high metal fence. An ancient-looking four story building made of brick sat
abandoned on top of a huge hill beyond the food store. Bode pointed to it and told me
that was where she did her sledding as a child, and how many children would just slide
out into the street because of the hills steepness, sometimes into traffic. She laughed
when she saw the awestruck expression on my face.
Hell, aint nothing to cry about, Im still here, she laughed. Then she sucked air
in and exclaimed, Holy shit, under her breath.
I followed her gaze to an apartment complex sitting behind a convenience store. I
could see the rooftops of the complex at first, a spattering of mismatched roof tiling, and
shingles sticking up here and there. As Bode turned onto a side street I noticed the
apartment complexs sign: Lake Front Apartments. The paint on the sign was faded and
cracked and looked like at one time there was a mural of a lake front with a sail boat on
it, but now it was hard to make out without squinting and straining the eyes. Bode turned

57
into the drive which looked like it went around the apartment buildings. Immediately the
car bumped upwards, a hard jolt of running over something: speed bumps.
Shit, I forgot. I never drove when we lived here. I hope the suspension isnt all
fuckered up. She took an immediate left into the driveway and drove to a building
separated from the mass of buildings going forward. Right away, I noticed furniture set
out next to a large, green, metal trash container. Stuffing hung out of a beige couch that
looked like someone had taken an axe to its three puffy cushions. Glass littered various
spots on the tar driveway and Bode swerved to avoid them driving slower still. We came
to a spot in front of a building with three entrances to it. The doors were painted orange
and one hung off its hinge. Each orange main door had one glass patio door next to each
side of the door with a small concrete patio on protruding out from the bottom, and metal
balconies hung precariously over the concrete pads for the ground units. A screen hung
off a patio door as if the owner had gone out one too many times for the poor casters to
take and it seized up, refusing to move. Childrens plastic lawn chairs, one pink, one
green, were placed next to each other with toys piled up inside the seat, no longer for
sitting but instead storage. The plastic toys looked faded and weathered, a direct
reflection of the building itself. There were windows in-between where the patios sat,
most of the screens hanging loose, cut for escape, or torn off completely. Most windows
had sheets or blankets for coverings, if they had them at all. Some windows had no glass,
but instead tinfoil covered cardboard placed in their fittings. Most patios were littered
with junk strewn across them here and there; some were completely covered in trash and
useless items. I looked at Bode and a wave of sadness for this woman-child who endured
this living for thirteen hard years washed over me. I grabbed her hand.

58
Hell Twirler, I dont remember it being this bad, she said. She shook her head
in, what I took to be disbelief to the sight laid out before us. Thats my building right
there, she pointed to the one with the storage chairs on the balcony. Fifteen-eighteen.
A pool of water collected in her eyes and a single tear came down her nose and
waited for the back of her hand to wipe it away. I tried to imagine the memories going on
behind her eyes, but the thoughts escaped as soon as they attempted to form.
Bode liked to think she was different than me because she had a mother and
father. But she wasnt raised with them both, and to me, when I pictured Bode as a child,
she was an orphan. With only her middle brother beside her, she fended for herself most
of the time. Her mother was always working trying to support her babies, and she felt that
they were old enough to take care without a sitter. When Bodes oldest brother, Bryce,
still lived with them, he abused his younger siblings to the point where Mrs. Shriner had
to send him away to live with his father; he had hit her so hard it left a hand print bruise
on Bodes cheek. Thankfully, unlike my own, her mother wouldnt allow harm to come
to the other two once she knew it was happening. Unfortunately, knowing was the
problem. Bode told me her and her brothers were always up to no-good as children. They
ran wild. And knowing that their mother would only call at certain times of the day, they
made sure they were home at these times. But six hours of Mrs. Shriners workday there
was a free-for-all going on with her kids, running the neighborhood like a band of
Banshees.
Lets drive down to the other side of the complex. Theres something I want to
check on.

59
She reversed the car and lit a cigarette. She dragged so hard I thought shed cough
for sure, but she just kept sucking in hard and letting the smoke fill the car. I opened the
window and was taken by how empty the place was. Not one person walked the grounds
of this living area and so it gave the impression of an abandoned wasteland. No
children screamed and ran to the swings set in the middle of the complex. No man and
woman walking their dog. No faces looked from inside these jaded window coverings to
the outside. Not one person walked to their rusty vehicle with the flat tire to fix it, and get
on to work, and the kids to school. No one emptied their trash in the large green
receptacle. It was almost as if in the daylight no life existed here, only the ghosts of a life
gone by.
We slowly drove around to the side of the buildings where the entrance was and
Bode turned a hard left and proceeded to go around the apartments. She pointed to an
open field that sat to the right side of us; beyond it, rows of houses sat firmly, defiantly,
behind a dividing road.
That used to be all trees. Us kids built forts in there, and thats where I smoked
my first cigarette, and looked at my first Playboy. That pink house over there was where
my best friend from the fifth grade, Leena, lived. I played with Barbies in her basement
when I wasnt looking at naked women with the boys, she laughed. Bode looked
reminiscent at first, and then a dark look covered her eyes and face, like a veil was laid
across it. She looked to the other side towards the apartment wasteland and pulled into a
parking spot around the back side. The complex seemed to be a square of buildings, with
two to three buildings making a block.

60
Bode looked over at me and said lets go, she opened her car door simultaneously
lighting her second cigarette since first seeing the shattered roof tiles. We exited the car
and I followed Bode to a lone tree that had two huge branches split like a seat five feet up
into it. One branch hung down near the ground and ran about fifteen-foot long. The other
branch went slowly upwards toward a break in the leaves as if it longed for the freedom
of blue sky from under the foliage. There was only a thin line of trees here, and behind I
could see a chain-link fence, and behind that houses.
Give me a boost, Bode said. She put her leg up as she nested her hands in the
split of the branches.
Seriously? I asked. I was suddenly unsure of Bodes intent to climb this tree.
Hell yeah, Twirler. I lived in this tree when I was a kid. I aint afraid a getting
up. Cmon nowafter I get up Ill pull you up.
I clasped my hands together and she put her foot in and I lifted. With ease Bode
climbed into the tree and off to the left side where the tree bent down.
See here where it slopes down? Ill bring you up here, she said. Then she laid
down on her stomach and reached her arms around the branch like she was hugging it,
her hands knit together like a stirrup. I put my foot in and grabbed hold of the branch as
Bode pulled me forward I hooked my other leg around the branch like getting on a large
horse. See? Simple Simon, she laughed. She sat up and straddled the tree, facing me.
Her mood, once again, changed from sullen to child-like in a matter of seconds. I felt a
questioning arising in my soul concerning Bode. It was coming like a slow train when
you can see the smoke and hear its call, but cant see it clear yet.

61
We sat in the tree in silence for a moment, and then Bode stood up and started
walking along the branch with her hands outstretched grabbing the upper limbs as she
walked. A black metallic truck pulled into the lot, breaking the fun, and parked next to
our car. The first person wed seen since pulling into the apartment lot opened the truck
door, and we watched as a dark colored man ascended from the open door. He wore
sunglasses and a white ball cap pulled down to his shades. His truck had some sort of
vanity plates, and I looked at Bode as she suddenly seemed to recognize this man. Im
guessing it was from the name across the license plates: DOUGER. She crouched low in
the branches staring ahead as this man bent down and wiped a scuff off his newer looking
boots. Even though it was chilly, he was only wearing a white wife beater as a shirt,
tucked into his Levi jeans. His muscles protruded in his biceps and chest, both of which
were absent of hair. I noticed right away that this man was a looker. He glanced around
him as though looking for admirers, and then glanced inside our car as he passed it. I
looked at Bode, and a fierce look that I had never seen had come across her face.
The man, DOUGER, went around to the back of our car and eyed the license
plate. Then he looked around deeper into the area where Bode and I sat, as if he knew
where we would be.
Hey, he called at us. This your car?
I looked at Bode not knowing what to do, and her eyes narrowed as she jumped
down out of the tree in one swooping arch, landed in a crouch position on the lot. Then
she stood straight up and proceeded to walk toward the DOUGER.

62
My heart was beating in my throat as she stuck her hand in her pocket and
sauntered to almost two foot in front of him and stopped. What of it? she replied. Bode
stared up into his face.
I was aware of dryness in my mouth as it hung open. I had never seen this side of
the woman Id spent the last five years of my life with. The air hung thick as glue as she
seemed to try to glare into this mans eyes that were hidden behind mirrored sunglasses.
Bea? Bea Shriner? He asked incredulously while taking off his sunglasses and
smiling real big. Well dont this beat allhows Bryceyour mom? Its me Doug
Bershall.
Bode didnt say a word to this man, and it got eerily silent. She looked back at
me, and from then life moved in slow motion. She turned around, slowly, taking
something shiny out of her pocket and the next second Bode held a knife to Dougers
throat. I was struggling out of the tree craning my neck to see behind me when I thought I
saw the blade to his throat. I yelled, Bode, nostop! I finished my struggle from the
tree and ran until I was next to her, my hand held out in a steady position like Id seen in
so many movies. Bode let him behe hasnt caused us any troublewhat the hell has
gotten into youBode stop. I kept repeating trying to calm her.
You know what ya done, dont ya Douger? She said the last syllable dragged
out like on a playground. Her eyes kept steady on his face as he looked down at the hand
that held his life in it. Tell the pretty lady how you liked to play with little girls
DOUG! TELL HER NOW!
Beanow wait a minuteI dont know what youre saying herewhat youre
trying to put on mebut

63
Shut up you fuckin scumbag! Ill slit your throat before Ill stand here and listen
to your bullshit lies! Bode stuck the knife up tighter on his throat.
Daddy Daddy! A little girl ran out from the decrepit apartment door, a smile
beaming off her face as she ran towards her father and Bode. Bode looked confused as
she turned towards the young happy voice. The little girl was caramel-colored with long
jet black hair bouncing behind her. She wore a Dora the Explorer pajamas set. Bode put
her knife down at her side, hiding it behind her as Doug turned to the little girl, reaching
down and swinging her up into his arms, happy to be alive. Daddy you didnt come in. I
was waiting and you didnt come in. I made a prize for you. She smiled sweetly and
looked at Bode. Whos this? Whos this Daddy? Whos these pretty ladies, Daddy?
This is an old friend Jana, Beatrice Shriner. Shes just leaving, he looked at
Bode and then to me. You better put a leash on her. Ill forget it this time. Dont push
your luck Beatrice. Your car doors unlocked in this neighborhood youre lucky you
still have a car. Dont make me regret , he trailed off. He turned and walked away
holding his baby, his baby girl.
Bode watched him with that same scowl I saw earlier, and she began to shake.
She shook so hard her knees buckled and she landed on them in the middle of the parking
lot. Bode pounded her fists into the ground, her blood pooling in the black tar.
I stood above her divided into two parts; one part wanted to bend over and help
Bode up, the other just wanted to turn away and leave her in the apartment driveway.

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Chapter 6
Bode

We arrived back at the hotel and Twirler cared for my bloody, scratched and
scraped up hands. She bathed them in the sink and wrapped a hand towel around each
hand.
Luckily, these are just topical wounds, Bode, she looked up at me. She tightly
held the towels in place. What the hell was that all about?
That asshole forced me to suck his dick when we were kids Tears collected
in the rims of my eyes, but I kept them in there. I swallowed hard to force the tears back,
a trick I learned in childhood. I felt the demon receding and was able to talk again. Im
not letting it go. Never againtheres no man that will ever lay a hand on me again,
Twirler.
I agree with that feelingI honestly do, but lets get one thing straightIm not
going out like Thelma and Louise You had a knife to that mans throatare you
fuckin nuts? She stared intently at me when I was slow to answer her. Seriously, what
in the hell is going on in that head? I need to know.
I sat on the bed thinking. Contemplating Gods plan that was revealed after the
unfortunate incident at the riverthe killing. I looked up into Twirlers bright green eyes
and became sad. I felt a weight in my chest sucking the breath out of me and taking my
strength. I needed fresh airI needed air. I stood up and grabbed the door to our room,
opening it wide I inhaled the Fall day. I gulped it in. Was I nuts? Did I misinterpret Gods

65
plan? It all seemed so clear to me at the time, but now everything seemed clouded and
confusedlines blurred and boundaries crossed.
Well? Her voice came from behind me.
Ok ok I know it seemed a littleumcrazy at the time, but I really
needed for him to admit what he did to me. Like Christ when he faces Satan the next time
arounda mighty lion. I know you wont understand what Im sayingits from the
Book of Revelation in the Bible. I am resurrected in Christ, and I am strongno longer a
weak child being victimized and abused.
Now you really sound fucking nuts, she murmured under her breath. Look
BodeI dont believe in any of this shit youre risking our life about. So seriously
knock it off! Im not kidding, just stop doing it. Youre beginning to scare me.
I dont know what came through me, or over me, but I turned viciously on her,
my eyes must have caught her like armor piercing bullets. I said, dont tell me how to
worship my God! Dont tell me not to stand up against wrong and dont tell me that
IM SCARY! You, who fucking got us into this shit by your unthinking, uncaring, blatant
disregard for me, and my warning. We wouldnt be in this mess if we would have just left
when I saidbut NOyou fucking knew better! Im the one who has had it, Twirler
meIve had it! And with that I turned and stormed away from the room and towards
the road that went out onto Fordem Street and into the rush of life that wasnt
complicated with murder, or rape, or men who assaulted me at least that I could see.
About the time I realized what I must have looked like to people driving bya
woman with no coat on and two towels wrapped around her hands with blood stains on
themI felt a car pull up next to me. Twirler rolled down the window as she drove

66
slowly next to me on the shoulder, me still looking down and acting like I knew where I
was going.
Bode, get inplease just get in the car. Youre right. I dont have any business
telling you how to worship your God. We already established this years ago, and I
crossed boundariesIm sorry. Youre right, tooabout me having to have my way all
the time. It was my faultBode please
I turned to look into the car and she pulled over and stopped. Realizing my
exposure to the real folks on the street I grabbed the door handle and climbed into the
passenger seat. I couldnt be sure if my outburst was due to stress, or the nightmares of
R.J. making me lose sleep at night, or possibly both. Im sorry Twirler I lost my
cool. I didnt want to apologize.
I think you finally told me how you really feel about what happened. Twirler
grabbed my hand. I know Im hard to handle sometimes. We work because you know
thisbut I know it too, Bode I know. She said the last words with choking sounds. I
thought she might cry, but before tears could form she pulled back out into traffic, turned
around and headed back to our hotel. My diversion had worked. No more questions.

When we arrived back at the hotel I had some workings of a new plan and I called
my Aunt Jody. She was one of the sweetest women Id ever had the pleasure of knowing,
and just being in her presence brought a peace across a soul, this, despite the fact that her
husband, my uncle by blood, was one of the most despicable men on the planet. She
always had a smile for family. Her body had just the right amount of cushion for a good
hug, and she always smelled like cotton candy. The sad fact that her daughter committed

67
suicide because of her husbands malicious act did not affect her sweet disposition. It
only made her more saintly in my eyes, as well as the rest of the family. We all knew
what a piece of shit my uncle was when drinking and drugging. She had stood by him in
his worse times, and she stood by him in sobriety. He had been sober for twenty-five
years and was of celebrity status in the A.A. circuit around Madison. His infidelity with
her daughter, his step-daughter, was one of those things the whole family knew but never
talked about. Just how the family had come to know these private facts, I cant be sure. I
think it was one of those things that Sidney had told one of her cousins in private, to
explain her drug use, and it just spiraled from there. I always thought that it would be
hard to show my face around family if everyone knew private things about me, but it
never seemed to bother my uncle. Maybe denial has its place in every home; I knew it did
in mine.
Hi Aunt Jody!
UmmHello?
Its Beatrice!
Oh my goodness, Beatrice! It has been so long. How are you sweetie?
Im doing good good hows everything there for you?
Well Beatrice, you know, the good Lord decides the burdens we bear, and God
knows Ive been feeling like Atlas lately. Your uncles back on the bottle, and Ive left
him. I put up with enough years ago and Im not putting myself through it again. He can
drink himself into the gravethats his choice, but Im not going with him. Im trying to
enjoy my grandbabies and what time is left on earth without all of that BS that goes along
with it.

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Oh no, all that time sober and for nothing. I cant believe hes drinking again!
Im so sorry Jody what about the business?
Gone. He drank and drugged that into the ground in a mere month. I was doing
the books and saw huge discrepancies, and well, I realized he was doing it again. He
claimed he was on a haul to Chicago. Turns out he was in Vegas coking and gambling the
business into the dirt. It must have begun after Sidneys death. Thats when the
discrepancies started showing up.
Im so sorry And about Sidneyoh my Godwhat a shock.
Your flowers were beautiful, Bea. She loved you. That time the two of you spent
at camp was always her favorite childhood memory to talk about. Shed get to laughing
about the bear incident and sooner or later shed snort while she laughed! Oh those were
good memories -- Such a sweet child ... but you know lifeshe trailed off and then a
long pause, and then she spoke again. So when you coming to see me?
Well, I was kind of thinking we could all get together at one place. Im in
Madison right nowTheres so many people to see, but I dont have much time in town.
Dont worry about it Ill arrange everything. I can make all the calls and get
everyone together. Where would be the best place hmmmm how about your Aunt
Lorraines new place?
That sounds wonderful, Aunt Jody.
Well, I better ask since you are a Shriner; is there any relative you dont care
to be there? Seems like the whole clan is fighting at one time or another, your uncles and
father have finally made up for the business gone wrong, but now your cousin Jessa is
accusing her brother J.J. of rape, and the whole family is torn apart. J.J. wont speak to

69
Lorraine, and Jessa wont speak to J.J., or even be in the same room with him. His older
brother thinks they have all lost their minds, and Julie and Susan are saying to let
bygones be bygones. Your father had to weigh in with an opinion saying that boys will be
boys and experimentation is normal in children.
Listening to her my head began clouding over. My Dad? What the hell? I couldnt
understand what I was hearing. A buzz began to assault my head and I needed to sit
down.
Beatrice Honey you still there?
Yeah, sorry. I tried to regain my composure enough to finish up with her. I just
cant believe the things that go on sometimes. I dont care whos there. I guess let them
decide if they want to see me or not ... Oh, and you better tell them my girlfriend is with
me. I wont have them being rude to her, so its best to let them decide on that also.
Well, they all have finally accepted your uncle Seth, so my guess is that the
alcoholics will be fine with it; its the Bible Thumpers who you might have to stay away
from. And I might as well tell you that Terry wont leave his bar stool at the VFW, so if
you want to see him youll have to drive down to the one on Fordem Avenue and park
your ass next to him. Maybe hell be sober enough to recognize you, maybe not. But
thats the only way to see him anymore. Should I plan the gathering for Saturday, Bea?
Saturday is fine Jody. Thank you.
Bea, do yourself a favor and dont get down about this family crap its all
beyond your control. You cant pick family. God decides the lessons we learn and when
were done learning, we die. Simple as that, sweetie. Dont let it ruin your vacation.

70
Thanks Jody. You always know how to put things in perspective. I will see you
Saturday at Lorraines place. Love you.
I love you too darling. Good-bye.
I hung up the phone, and hung my head down to hide my face from Twirler. My
own father had some bullshit excuse for J.J. molesting his sister. I never thought that he
would justify that type of thing. This culture of abusing women in my family was
beginning to get old. No wonder every one of em was either an alcoholic or a BibleToter. One half was drinking to forget, and the other was praying for forgiveness for what
they done. Talk about dysfunction I had to save them, somehow. It was bound to
continue if someone didnt step in and scare the shit outta the men. I prayed for an answer
as I sat there, head in my hands, covering my face in shame.
Twirler came out of the bathroom and sat next to me on the bed, rubbing my back.
Whats going on, Bode?
Family. Thats whats going on. I never thought one family could be so screwed
up. I almost want to just break all ties with em and give up. But thats not Gods way. I
got up and grabbed a smoke and lit it, gave one to Twirler, and sat back down. I cant
give up on em. My own father is some kind of dim-whit, saying shit that aint natural,
and justifying sin Saying that a boy is justified in molesting family. What the hell is
wrong with him? I shook my head and stood up again to pace the small hotel room.
Bode, you just cant control this type of thinking. Why do you think it still goes
on? Women dont mean a thing to some men, just an object for their desire. Why do you
think dresses were invented? Two words--easy access and thats exactly why I wont
wear them.

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I laughed.
She smiled and went on. To men we are unthinking, and unfeeling. I dont know
how you change that way of life, because thats what it is, a lifestyle. Obviously your
family was raised into it, and when a woman bucks against it shes the one who is
demonized, not the perpetrator. I cant even imagine your dad saying something so
ridiculous but it must be bred into him this messed up way of thinking. Its natural
to him to use a family member to practice on. I hate to say it but perhaps he himself
did something like it when he was young.
I listened to Twirlers words and let the thought of what she was saying sink in.
She was right! Good God, it was a lifestyle for my family. A lifestyle of sexual abuse and
rape; one where the women are supposed to look the other way, and the men justify their
demented practices. I thought about my family; so much fighting amongst them, so many
that no longer speak to each other. Did all families experience this type of abuse, and they
just keep it secret because its not right?
Did you have this kind of uh you know, experience in your family?
No, not that I can remember -- but Bode, I dont think its as rare as people make
it seem. With so many sexual predators out there why would you think that molesters
only choose nonfamily members to defile? I have long believed that women have many
secrets. Look at you and I weve told each other things that no one else would know
about us because of the well, oh shit whats the word for it? Stet She snapped
her fingers quickly in front of her. Stigma, thats it stigma attached to our secrets.
You think I want people knowing how sexually active I was in high school? No, only my
most trusted friends could know this. And you started having sex in the fifth grade; is that

72
something that is considered normal? How were you exposed to sex at that age? Did you
ever ask yourself that? Its a scary thing to think about. So what do you do, you ignore
these things and go on living, just like most women do. If a person dwelled on this shit it
would make them crazy crazy!
Maybe something did happen to me maybe thats why I did so many drugs
when I was younger. Its what killed my cousin the secret of her stepfather molesting
her. Maybe thats why I started having sex at such a young age. The thought of it being
possible was like something that skims the surface, but you fight hard to keep it down
like a lump in your throat that cant be cleared. Then why cant I remember it, Twirler? I
remember being in that apartment with Douger and him forcing my head down to his
dick would that mess me up so bad? I just cant remember why Im so pissed off.
You kids hung out by yourself most of the time. Thats not a good combination.
That shit with Douger could have messed you up that bad. Was he someone you trusted?
Yeah, I guess so. We all hung out together.
Well, from what Ive seen watching S.V.U. molestation usually doesnt happen
between strangers as much as it does between trusted people in your life.
S.V.U. Twirler? Cmon now since when does that show make you an
expert?
Ha! They go off of real life shit, Bode. Seriously though, when somethings real
bad your mind tries to expel it from memory. If you cant forget it you go mad, like your
cousin did. Be happy that you cant remember, and dont go dredging shit up, Bode.
Youll end up like her. A woman has got to do what is necessary to survive, right? Please,
just let sleeping dogs lie.

73
And dead men in rivers, too, I thought as she finished talking and rubbed on my
back.
I knew I should probably take Twirlers advice and just leave things be, but I
couldnt stop thinking about my cousins kids and their kids and on, and on, and
on. The cycle had to be stopped, but how? I would pray and ask to be enlightened. After
clearing my mind, and sleeping on it, an answer was sure to come to me.
Until then, there was a whole day before me. I decided to hit the VFW to try to
get some insight on my uncles turn back to his old drugging self. After I showered, I put
on my black clothes, and my cross necklace. I was on a mission from God. While
meditating on my family problem I received an image from the Lord to stay on track with
the previous plan. It would all take care of itself as long as I did my part. Even though I
couldnt see how things would work themselves out, I had faith in the Lord and did my
best not to take the steering wheel. Sometimes a person had to relinquish all control and
just trust, and I concentrated on this as I prepared for my meeting with my wayward
uncle, Terry.
Of course Twirler had to comment on my wardrobe, again. Are you ever going
to wear color again, or is it doom and gloom clothing from now on?
Twirler, I wouldnt ever tell you what to wear, I mean Holy shit, your clothes are
always stained do I say anything about it? Which, I might add, sure is fuckin crazy
for someone as weird about nails and grooming as you are
Its just that I miss my old Bode my colorful, smiling, happy, always laughing
one. Will I ever see her again?

74
What are you talking about? I havent changed. Still the same despite my
clothes. Quit focusing on my outer appearance and youll see. But inside I knew she was
right. Come here you, I said. I grabbed her and pulled her close to me. We kissed long
and passionately and I nuzzled her neck. After all this family bullshit I will be my old
self. You aint never seen me around family. I act like a kid when I get with them. And
not a fun kid either. I revert back to the twelve year old always sulking and crying. I
dont know why, but we all have our part to play in family. I guess thats mine. Once we
get outta here, Ill be fine, youll see. I lied, but I felt like it would buy me time with
Twirler. I had enough to focus on without her making me self-conscious about my
actions and moods. Deep down I had hoped it wasnt a lie, but time would tell.
Alright then, lets get this over withand then on with our life. We are still
going to New York to protestright? That hasnt changed, has it?
Well if I dont end up in jail before that I guess we might as well have one
last hurrah.
Bode, dont talk like that, or are you changing your mind on that, too? Are you
considering turning yourself in?
We need to talk about it some more I dont know what to do, but lets not
count it out, yet.
So do you want me to say what Im thinking? Because once I say it and you
brush it off, I will be able to rub it in your face later so Im just asking you now.
Damnit Twirler, I know what youre thinking. I changed my voice to imitate
her. Youre thinking that if Im gonna confess, sooner is better than later. I know this
but I got things I really need to take care of

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And jail time just isnt a matter to you? What about me? I will do time for
withholding information for not coming forward, and you will, too. Cmon Bode, lets
just go down to the cop shop and tell them what happened before they find a body. It will
fare better for us. Then we can go on our way. We were the victims not him!
Okay look just give me until after Saturday, okay? Sunday we will march
right in and confess. I will tell them everything, alright? Will that make you happy?
Twirlers frowned. How are we going to explain sending him down the river?
Whyd we do that, Bode? I still dont understand what got into us how are the
authorities going to take that little bit of information?
We were scaredright? I immediately felt like we were in big trouble, like a
child. I dont know any other way to tell itthis is how we felt, plain and simple and
they might not believe us. I thought about that for a minute. I think this fact was the
reason for sending him to driftI mean were poor people, right, with every reason for
others to not trust us. We dont go to churchwe dont hold regular jobswe drink and
smoke potwere protestors and lesbians. Fuck, Im scared, Twirler. It dont look too
good for our cause. We can only hope that his case is worse than ours. Pray that he had a
recordand a damn long one.
We quietly lay on the bed in each others arms thinking on these last words. And
maybe, because soon it could be goodbye I wanted her pressed tightly against me. My
hand lightly danced down her bicep, feeling the slight bump of muscle in her tanned soft
skin. I ran my fingers down to her forearm and lowered my head to kiss the inner fold of
her arm. I heard her breath quicken, and felt her pulse on my lips. I lifted her shirt from
her belly and she bent forward to help it over her head. I came down on her warm

76
stomach with my mouth before her shirt was totally off, my need for her intensified by
seeing her bare breasts. My lips touched every part of stomach, her chest. My tongue
playfully rolled over her nipples, brown, hard, and erect. She grabbed my hair and pulled
my head back bringing her lips down to meet mine and we kissed full of passion, our
tongues playfully touching. We pulled apart and she nibbled on my bottom lip, lightly
sucking it. She brought her hands down under my shirt and lifted it over my head, and
then I rolled to the side of her to take off my pants. Throwing them at the foot of the hotel
bed, I then helped her to remove her sweatpants. When we both were naked we gripped
each other tightly. I wanted her warmth, her smell, her being, inside of me. She reached
her hand down between my legs and felt the result of her kisses, gliding her finger back
and forth through the warm wetness and over my clit. I wanted to feel her fingers there
for an eternity, wanted to be on the edge of bliss without going over.
Wait, not yet. Lets come together, I whispered in her ear.
I brought my hand between her legs and felt her wetness and then lifted my hand
to separate her legs further. The smell of our want filled the hotel room. She was
breathing hard and her hips moved to urge my fingers inside. I glided two fingers inside
in rhythm to her hips in and out, in and out, fast and then slower when I felt that she
might cum without me. I put my thumb on her clit and let it glide over it as my fingers
moved with her hips. Soon our bodies moved in sync, hips and fingersup and down
in and out teasing to climax and then retreating for more build up until until I
thought I would go crazy from want, from my need to cum. I grabbed her hand and
forced it further into me, and with groans my body finally surrendered as I brought her to
climax. Afterward, we lay in each others arms as we felt the aftershocks of orgasm

77
throughout our sweaty expired bodies; regulating our breathing and remembering the
feeling, trying to commit it to memory. Afterwards, we showered together and shared
more moments for memories, the kind that keep you warm on a cold lonely night when
all that is heard is wind against concrete, and crickets trapped inside for winter. Or maybe
a cry in the cell next to you while the loneliness creeps through the cell-block.

I re-dressed in my black clothes, and asked Twirler if she was up for the going to
the VFW. My mood had improved immensely since our talk and love-making. Now I felt
like I could do the task in front of me. I smoked a cigarette as I waited for Twirler to fix
her hair and apply her makeup. I never put more than eyeliner on myself unless it was in
the throes of winter, then my complexion needed foundation, but I was dark enough
naturally not to need it in the summer months.
The VFW where Aunt Jody had said Terry was at was only five blocks from the
hotel, a quick jaunt for us. I was worried about talking to Terry since I had no idea of his
state of mind. Was he angry or regretful? Was he pushing life off with an attitude of who
gives a fuck? I had no idea, but I planned on making an impression in his foggy mind.
Hopefully, by getting there before nightfall there might be a chance that he will
comprehend what Im saying to him. I decided to leave it in Gods hands and just do
what was asked of me.
When we stepped outside the door the wind whipped around us despite the fact
that the sky was blue. It was a crisp afternoon by the time we left our hotel, and I was
thankful for my pea coat. Twirler bitched and moaned that her hair was ruined from the
wind, and I reminded her that no one from this area knew what her normal looks were

78
anyways, and all the old men at the VFW would still be oogling at her. She laughed at me
and said old people oogling is better than nothing. Of course I told her Id make up for
what cat-calling was missed when we got back to the hotel. This put a sparkle in her eye,
and made me feel like my old self again. With an uncertain future in store for us I figured
wed better make the best of what time we did have together.
We arrived at the bar to only a few cars in the lot. I thought that this might not be
the best situation to talk to Terry in private knowing that some old drunks like to talk up a
storm to newcomers, telling the stories that the regulars had already heard a billion times
by now, we were fresh meat for memories. But then I reminded myself that this was
Gods work I was up to, not mine, and the situation was as it was for a reason. We
opened the door and were immediately assaulted by the smell of old, dried up, urine. The
bar was dark and tables were scattered around the outer area with menus held up by
ketchup and mustard bottles in the middle of them. The bar was up against the farthest
wall from the door with bar stools placed around it. The stools were the fancy kind with
backs which surprised me. Most dive bars had the free falling stools. I called them that
because once you got drunk there was nothing to stop you from falling off. Two men sat
at the bar hunched over their drinks. Laughter intermingled through the music blaring
from the jukebox, Johnny Cash, Folsom Prison Blues. I remember thinking the song was
ironic given mine and Twirlers predicament.
Lady alert, the bartender announced while smiling back to us.
Ladies? Oh my A man with a thick head of grey hair combed back off of his
face replied. He turned around on his stool to stare. A half smile graced his face when he
turned, but as his eyes met mine his face changed to one of unknowing and uncertainty. It

79
had been a good twenty years since I had laid eyes on my uncle, but I have been told over
and over again how much I resemble my father, his brother. He was a stocky man. This
fact could be seen despite his seat on the barstool. He mumbled something and turned his
back to me reaching for his Budweiser and tilting his head back. When his head came
back down he banged his can on the bar. Another, please, he called out.
The man sitting next to Terry fully turned on his stool and smiled widely. What a
welcome sight! I dont think I could have taken one more moment looking at this son-ofa-bitch next to me well, you have eyes, and its plain to see that he has a bad case of
the uglies, but now you twowell what a pleasure. Whatever theyre drinking is on
methe first one anyways. He smiled and patted the stool next to him.
Aw, arent you sweetthank you very much. This ugly guy next to you is my
uncle, so I can really appreciate the comment. I winked at the older man and nodded to
Twirler to take the seat next to the drink buyer as I sidled up next to my uncle Terry. I
patted his back. Hey their Uncle Terry, its Beatrice, remember?
Huh oh, Beatrice! Hell yeah, I remember. How could I forget my Godly
brothers daughterhows life been treating you, Bea?
The bartender stood directly in front of me looking expectantly. Whatevers on
tap with some tomato juice splashed in, if you please? I turned to Terry and said,
better-n-you from what Aunt Jody told me.
Ha, he laughed and took another long swig from his new beer. As I recall you
were in A.A. too, once, and yet here you are drinking right next to me. People in glass
houses shouldnt throw rocks dont you agree, Bea?

80
Hell yeah, Im a firm believer in living what you preach. I lifted my beer and
drank. Then I looked sideways at Twirler who was in a deep conversation with the
smooth talking elderly vet. She smiled as she talked. Seeing her occupied I went on, Noones throwing rocksyet. But you and me are two different people. I was drinking to
kill myself on account I was gay. It was a big, dark secret, but once I quit lying to myself,
and everyone around me, I found freedom. Secrets are killers, Terry. Seems to me that
the people I know that drink and drug themselves to death are people that you find out
later were holding big ones. I took a big drink of my beer, took a big breath, and pulled
my balls out of my pocket and continued my spiel. Like you for example. What youre
hiding would have killed most folks years ago.
You think so? What the hell you know about my secrets? His face turned dark
and his eyes seemed like lasers attempting to cut me in half. He raised his can and
finished it off in one huge gulp, and then called to the bartender who was resting at the
edge of the bar with the television remote randomly clicking through channels. The
bartender seemed to be as uncomfortable as I was. Brandy old fashion and whatever
shot she wants, he nodded to me. Get her friend and old-timer, too.
I held my tongue through the round of thank-yous and drinks being distributed.
I quit drinking the hard stuff twenty odd years ago because of blackouts and depression,
not that my drunken uncle would have known that fact. I ordered another tap beer and
accepted it thankfully. Twirler and old-timey were still chuckling and talking away, so I
turned to Uncle Terry and continued my uncomfortable confronting.
You still smoke weed? I asked meeting his look with a smile. I knew what I
would do next might be a mistake, but sometimes getting high can rid a person of tension

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and if I could just get him to admit to what he did to Sidney he might be alright and I
wouldnt have to off him, but should it come to putting him out of the worlds misery
well, I was prepared for that, too. I would just have to get rid of Twirler for a while.
Im in theres a patio right out these doors that is semi-private. He turned to
Twirler and old-timey and said, were going out for a smoke. Hold down the fort for us,
will you?
He led the way out a side door which opened up into an area with a high wooden
privacy fence. Tables were scattered around on the concrete and ash trays waited for
butts. Two large outdoor heaters were placed on the outer rings of the tables for vets who
still couldnt shake the cold and constant rain of Vietnam. There were banners
announcing beer and drink specials adorning the walls that kept the smoke from fouling
the innocent lungs of nonsmokers. They had yet to figure out a way to keep alcohol from
affecting the innocent, but I couldnt help but think that maybe the fenced-in area was a
start.
When Terry settled on a table hidden from the door he sat down and lit a
cigarette, offering me one from his pack of Parliaments. I accepted and he offered me a
light from his zippo. I studied his face as he smoked and wondered what horrors had this
man seen in war? When he came home he was changed this was the family rumor. My
father and another of his brothers were in college, so they missed the draft. The older
siblings were too old to be drafted. I reached into my coat pocket and pulled out a joint
and lit it. I passed it to Terry and exhaled my cloud. We sat in silence as it passed back
and forth, each of us left to our own private thoughts. Finally, Terry broke the silence.

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You mentioned secrets earlier like you knew mine Do you have any idea what
its like to not know your own? He stared at the ground in front of his feet and corralled
an ant with his shoes, shifting from one foot to the other to keep it in place. I came back
from Nam with a ghost of a memory that I could never define or put my finger on except
that I knew it was horrific. I had nightmares and episodes where I wasnt in my right
mind. My wife would tell me the next day of screams and rantings coming from me, but I
couldnt remember any of it. And then He paused and I felt him leave for a minute.
Then just as sudden he was back. Well Im sure you know of the story out of Sidney
that I raped her. You got to believe me when I say I dont remember not one moment
of that. Now he looked out past the fence, like his eyes were seeing out into another
world. How do you ask forgiveness for something you dont even know you did? Tears
seeped out the middle corners of his eyes and traveled down his nose like they often did
with me. He wiped at them with the back of his hand. For the first time since hearing the
rumor of Uncle Terry and Sidney I felt sadness for him. I could tell he wasnt making
excuses, he just didnt know what he did, and in my head there was a difference between
the two.
We both sat in the cool crisp air and thought our own thoughts. I figured Id let
him get it together a little before saying my peace on the subject. When he finally seemed
composed I spoke. Its like having faith in God. We cant see God, right, but we know
through miracles that he is in our life. You say you dont remember what you did to
Sidney but does that really matter? Cant you just be sorry for the way her life turned
out sorry that something you did when you were wasted caused her a hard life? I took
a hit off my smoke and exhaled. Shit Terry I thought about Twirlers words to me

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earlier and told him. You should be relieved that you cant remember and find a way to
make it right. I stopped talking long enough to drink on my beer, and take another hit of
weed. I handed the roach back to him, coughing as I did so. Face it head-on Uncle Terry
be a man instead of some weak little bitch complaining that since you dont remember
it, it didnt happen, because I mean seriously you and I both know that that aint
true. The way youre acting now forsaking your wife and Sidneys memory is bad
news for you, Terry, bad for the soul. Work it out and live whats left of your life in
Gods grace. Fucking happy and shit All you have to do is ask.
He sat and listened to me without even a sigh of interruption. Maybe because he
was high, this being the only reason I could even say half of what I did. Then we both sat
in silence with my last words echoing through the back patio. Terry sat at the picnic table,
leaned over so far his head looked like it might make contact with the ground below him.
He was a beaten down soul, and the way it seemed to me he had only two ways to go
up, or underneath a tombstone. I silently sat next to him smoking and finishing my beer.
He lit another smoke and offered me one, and there we sat, the two of us in our own little
worlds. After what seemed like twenty full minutes he turned and faced me.
Youre right damnit, you make sense. I dont care if other people think Im a
scum bagthe only thing that matters is whats in my soul when I meet my maker and
how I leave the ones I loveThank you Bea, he turned and hugged me. Finish your
beer. Im going home. He stood up and walked inside the bar, and on toward the rest of
his life.

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Chapter 7
Bode
In my time, Ive had so many friends comment on my spirituality or, shall I say
lack, of religion, and also I use the term friends loosely since the only true friend I have
anymore is Twirler, that I got sick of hypocrites and I turned away from the church. But
there is a story behind the word hypocrite, and I can pinpoint my main turning away to
my fifteenth birthday.
I was living with my Dad on account that my mom couldnt handle me anymore. I
was fourteen and out of control, boozing it up every day. School was just a distraction,
mainly because I never went. My mom tried everything possible to get my path right
guitar lessons, French horn lessons, painting lessons, soccer lessons. Except all I wanted
was lessons in keeping hard alcohol down and the proper way to hit a bong. So she done
what any mother in her position would do and sent me to live at my Dads. Well, Dad is a
religious man (mom used to be as well, religious, not a man) and the first thing he did
when I got off that Greyhound bus was drive me ninety miles to church camp. I sure was
a sight to all those Kansas City teenagers hitting it hard for the Lord with my afro due to
a home perm gone wrong, and half-lidded eyes with my hair covering them. I think half
of those poor Christian teens had a team prayer meeting right then and there. But camp
cured me, my soul was born anew, and by the time Saturday arrived I was a prophet for
the Lord too, but of course it took me until Friday to relinquish my soul.
The kids werent the hypocrites though. Kids souls are too damn pure to have
that kind of evil in them. No, the main turning came after camp, after I went back to
Mound City, Kansas and started seeing adult Christians. Dad enrolled me in school and I

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started meeting people. I was popular with the kids because of my heavy Wisconsin
accent, and I upheld the belief system held so dear in the Bible belt, thanks to my saving
at camp. One teacher took a heavy liking to me too. Mrs. Daily was real short, 411, and
had a pointy nose, and a roundish body. Not obese just round like an apple. She had red
hair and smiling eyes. She always had a smile on her face, like she was saying praise the
Lord every time you looked at her. She attended Wednesday Bible Study at my church,
the Federated Church of Blue Hill. Now, thats an interdenominational church, which is
supposed to mean that all are welcome. Well, Mrs. Daily was a Pentecostal. Naturally,
she referred to the Holy Ghost and being filled with the spirit quite often. She also
taught my English class, so it was kind of awkward.
Mrs. Daily often said there was no gift greater than being filled with the spirit to
receive from the Lord. So naturally when she realized my birthday was coming up, she
devised a plan for me to get that greatest gift from God. Her plan consisted of attending
Wednesday Church services at several area Pentecostal Churches. Now I have to tell you,
I have been to tent revival services with the Pentecost before, and honestly, it scared the
daylights outta me. People talking in strange languages, jumping up and down, yelling
words supposed to be an interpretation of the language of God. I just couldnt process all
that was going on. Dont get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for beliefs other than
mine; I just dont think a person should be scared in a church. It aint natural.
So keeping this in mind, I give into the pressure from Mrs. Daily and go off with
her on my fifteenth Birthday, with my Dads blessing, of course. The first two churches
werent scary at all. The people were real nice and besides a few strategically placed
Amens and Praise God, there was no strange goings-on. Mrs. Daily seemed annoyed

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that the Spirit wasnt anointing the congregation and wed get up out of the pews before
the service concluded and headed for the next church on her list. When we finally walked
into the third church, there was a group of around twenty people crowded at the front of
the pews, some were kneeling, some were standing, but all had their heads bowed and
their arms lifted toward heaven. Mrs. Daily looked like a monkey who just got a banana,
smiling ear-to-ear. She grabbed my hand and pulled me down the aisle and into the
praying Pentecosts. It seemed to me that they was just getting warmed up, mumbling
under the breath and softly saying praise words, not nearly as loud as I had heard before
at five hour tent revivals, but that was soon to change.
We reached the front and Mrs. Daily announces, This is Beatrice and its her
fifteenth Birthday. She would like to be filled with the Spirit for the event if yall
wouldnt mind praying for her. Go ahead and kneel down here, honey, she told me. She
gently pushed on my shoulder, and I went down in front of the group.
Hands immediately landed on my back, head, and shoulders, as the dull methodic
praying got louder and louder, filling my ears. Well, Im not a mean-spirited person by
definition, but I was fifteen at that moment, and I heard a noise among the praying, which
I identified as a fart. And looking back Im not so sure that I wouldnt have done the
same thing in later years, even now, but I started laughing. Naturally, I recognized the
delicacy of the matter and tried to hold back my laughter, which resulted in the shaking
of my body. Now this got Mrs. Daily all worked up into a tither, thinking that the Spirit
might be getting ahold on me, and she started really praying loudly and moving my head
forcefully forward as she prayed, kind of using my head as an exclamation point. This
would naturally be where the praying in languages started and my laughter turned to tears

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as I became fearful of the Lord not taking mercy on a fifteen year-old laughing at the
sound of a fart in church.
And right here is where she said it. Go ahead honey, go ahead and fake the
praying until you feel it.
I looked behind me at Mrs. Daily, not sure that I heard the right words. Fake it?
I asked her with tears streaming down my face.
Yes, honey, just to get the stream of words coming out until you feel it
naturally.
So I started gibberish coming out of my mouth, feeling like a fool, and also
feeling like this wasnt the way God intended his gift to be used. After about twenty
minutes more of praying, people started standing up and going back to their seat. I got up
and took a tissue from Mrs. Daily, and wiped my tears born of fear and walked outside
the church. I wanted a cigarette. She followed close behind.
Well?
Well what? I asked her.
Did it happen?
How would anyone know if I got the gift or not if I was faking it?
No, I snapped. I walked to her car letting my feet drag across the gravel as I
moved.
Well, she said, it just wasnt Gods time.
As it turns out Gods time wasnt in a church, because that night as I lay in bed I prayed
to God to fill me with the Spirit. While I prayed in solitude a swirling noise came through
my head like the sound of languages mixing together with a light airy swirl in my head,

88
like smoking a bowl of weed. My faith in God was renewed, my faith in man, not so
much.

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Chapter 8
Twirler
Bode was so overjoyed at the possible reunion of her Uncle Terry and Aunt Jody
that she could talk of little else for the next two days. We wasted time, frolicked along the
lake, and traversed up and down State street site seeing. I was happy for her, too. She felt
like she accomplished something good for her family, but I didnt share the feeling she
had that the warmth might spread to other family members. I figured she got lucky with
Uncle Terry, and he was probably just waiting for someone to talk to about it. I wondered
why she didnt want to see any old high school buddies, and she responded that that was
another time in her life and she didnt want to rehash that past. Instead Bode would say
shit like next Ill patch up J.J. and his sis, or theres hope for all who wander. Real
weird crap like that. Her God stuff was wearing me thin. Any rational person could see
that God was a deity made up to control the masses and enforce man-made rules, not a
floating, all-knowing, actual being. When I tried to point out inaccuracies in the Bible to
her she would come up with some half-baked response which didnt even make any kind
of sense and that would end it. Id say shit like how does God allow a child to die brutally
in a mass shooting, but then allow the killer to live out a full life. Shed respond that God
is too powerful for us to understand his workings. Irritating, nonsensical replies like that.
I really just hoped that things would settle down and shed go back to her normal selfif
I even knew what that was anymore.

Saturday rolled around and we checked out of the Budget Inn at 9 a.m. to drive
the 90 minutes to a small town outside of Milwaukee. It had some Indian name that I

90
couldnt pronounce like Minnichine-hohow, or something like that. Bodes aunt and
uncle who used to farm lived there on an acreage with a couple of horses and big enough
pasture to keep them happy in retirement. According to Bode, they had farmed all their
lives and then some big land developer wanted their farm. Well, they held out selling for
10 years to get the right price and were now millionaires. They didnt live like it though,
she said. They were still simple farm people through and through. While driving to their
house, we went through beautiful rolling hills with trees, and lakes, and roads that twisted
their way through forests too thick to see through. The acreage seemed to be in the
middle of a state park. It was beautiful country. Bode had to make a couple of calls to her
Aunt Jody to find the place. We were lost more than once, and had to back track a couple
of times, but we ended up parked in front of a sprawling brown multilevel house with a
wrap-around driveway that already had cars parked around it. It seemed like the whole
Shriner clan had showed up for Bodes home-coming.
You ready for this? Bode asked. She looked up at the house. Theyll be a lot of
children, and obnoxious old jokes that you probably wont understandyou know
Shriner shit. And with the drunks poking fun of the Holy Rollers, and the saints trying
to save the sinners, it can get real ugly.
I will do my best to keep up. I paused and looked at the enormous house. Im a
little excited to meet this side of you. There has to be some explanation for who you are,
I added. I said it as a joke, but I knew I had expectations of the family already. Bode and
Is earlier conversation about rape still hung in my head and I was intrigued to see if
people who may be having sexual relations with relatives really had three eyes, or
drooled, or maybe had just one wall-eye and no hair.

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We got out of the car and walked together around to the rear of the house where a
large crowd of adults, and children alike, were sitting in camp chairs grouped
strategically here and there on a large concrete patio. The weather was warm for an
October day, but not too warm to not have a huge bonfire burning in the most extravagant
fire pit I had ever seen. It was sunken into the concrete and the bowl itself was a copper
color. Olive and beige Mosaic tiles surrounded the bowl and some chairs were on the
outer ring. A large burly man that looked to be in his forties, with a receding hairline and
a mustache, fueled the fire with a log, as a crowd of children of all ages stood close to
him pointing to logs telling him which one to use next.
This one Uncle Joe use this one next, their high, loud, voices assaulted my
ears.
I never really cared much for children. To me they were mostly irritating, but the
parents were usually worse, claiming that their little one was just so darn cute as they
hump your leg, or some other mortifying thing like picking their nose and munching on it
one minute, and grabbing your hand the next.
Seeing us, this man smiled and spoke looking at Bode, Holy shit its the Angel
of Death or, could it be? Beatrice! He set down his log and walked up to where we
were, wrapping his arms around Bode. Cousin, he fondly exclaimed. Then he bearhugged her. And a beautiful woman, too? Whos this gorgeous lady?
Bode laughed heartily and introduced me to her cousin. This is Sarah, but I call
her Twirler. Soon we were surrounded by a bunch of people of all ages laughing and
saying hi, grabbing my hand, patting my back, and telling me not to be alarmed.

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This is how we welcome people, dont worry, youre in good hands. Im
Beatrices favorite cousin, Kelle with an e not a y Oh god, dont get me started
on that, she smiled. Thankfully, she pulled me away from the crowd of children. Sarah,
is that your name? Ive heard Uncle Bernie mention you dont worry he said you were
just the sweetest thing he had ever laid eyes on. Kelle rolled her eyes while she said this,
and then she continued giving me the run-down. Im not one of those religious freak
relatives Im sure shes told you let me get you a drink. She reached a group of
coolers and reached into one pulling out two ice cold beers. Beer okay? All we have is
Miller Lite. She opened it and handed it to me. That oughta help the nerves.
Kelle watched me take a big gulp and I smiled a thank you at her after
swallowing.
Wow, I didnt realize how nervous I was until I took a drink that really hits
the spot. I could see the family resemblance in Kelle; her eyes were exactly the same
shape and color as Bodes, she also had the same nose. If her hair wasnt the bright
blonde color they could have passed for sisters.
Oh God, here comes the dumbass. Kelle turned sour as a young man came
walking towards us.
His hair was brown with blonde highlights, long, and wavy, like an eighties hair
band dude. I remember thinking that his eyes were gorgeous for a mans and that there
was something feminine about him.
Thats my lame brother. Kelle introduced him. He reached us and stuck out his
hand. He was grinning ear to ear. This is Kenny. He doesnt know what year it is, she
added.

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Shut-up! he said to Kelle after shaking my hand. Im not a derelictreallyI
like to call it unique. Besides, the ladies really like long hair, right Sarah? Kenny turned
to me and smiled widely and put his hands on his hips like he was posing.
What a fucking genius. My dit-wad brother asks a lesbian if ladies like long hair
what a moron. No, Kenny, you cant get it on with your cousins girlfriend. Jesus
Christ. She turned to me. I apologize for you having to meet him. She glared,
narrowed her eyes, and pierced her lips together at her sibling, and then quickly turned
her head to me.
No, no, its fine really I laughed. And I find the long hair attractive,
although Id hardly be the voice of a ton of women. Its nice to meet you, Kenny. The
bashing he was getting from his sister was worse than any man should have to put up
with, sibling or not, especially in the company of a stranger. They looked to be in their
thirties, both of them, and significantly younger than Bode. Kelle seemed to be tolerating
Kenny for my sake as we stood there making small talk about the drive, and me and
Bodes trip to New York to protest. When I finally saw Bode walking over to where we
stood, I let out a sigh.
Well, I see you got roped in by my favorite cousins, she laughed. You have a
beer for an old lady?
Kelle scoffed, Are you sure you want to drink in front of the Holy Rollers? The
last time you could only drink behind a car or a mile or so down the roadyou sure
about this? She smiled wickedly and reached down into the cooler to retrieve a beer.
My father was here then, Miss fuckin memory keeper, Bode shot back at her.
She patted her on the back, though, so I knew there were no bad feelings. Im assuming

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he wont be here today, although nobodys told me thathes not here is he? Bodes
eyebrows furrowed and she quickly looked around her, holding her beer lower.
Kelle and Kenny both laughed. It was like they all were teenagers again. Im only
saying this as an observer, but I cant imagine adults being afraid to drink in front of their
parents. Seriously Bode? You dont drink in front of your dad? I asked taking another
drink of my own. How come I never knew this?
Hell Twirler, weve never been around my dad after 5pm, or in a drinking
opportunity. He thinks Im an alcoholic because of the problems I had as a teenager, and
this shit here. She waved around her in a big arch. His family history with it dont help
matters. Its just easier to make him believe I dont do it. Otherwise I have to listen to the
lecture of how we come from a long line of alcoholics how its hereditary how his
father was saved by Jesus and quit drinking, she snapped her fingers, just like that. It
really gets fucking old. She glanced around first, and then finally took a long draw off of
her beer.
You want us to crowd around you, so the thumpers cant see what youre doing,
Kelle laughed, again. I was beginning to dislike her more with every word that came
from her mouth, but Bode didnt seem to be irritated by her words or actions, so I
tolerated it, and hoped my irritation didnt reflect in my face.
I glanced around at the groups filling the backyard. To me it seemed like they
were all immediate family members grouping togetheralmost like they were protecting
each other from the other groups. It was odd. I noticed a definite division. An elderly
couple sat at a picnic table which seemed like it was located in the middle of all the other
groups. Almost as if the table was the equator between two different worlds.

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Bode followed my eyes and said, Thats Aunt Lorraine and Uncle Sam. We gotta
go over n say hi before we have too many beers its okay, but dont bring a beer with
you, alright? Please? Her n my dad are real close.
Maybe we should just go over there now, then, I replied. Its one thing for her
to pretend to be someone else, but why the hell should I be expected to pretend as well?
Well, alright then. She put down her beer on the cooler and nodded at her
cousins. Were going to say hello to Aunt Lorraine save my beer.
On our way to the picnic table that held the matriarch of the family, we were
stopped by different relatives wanting to greet Bode, ask her what shes been up to, and
where we were headed after we left Wisconsin. They all seemed normal enough; I hadnt
spotted any physical abnormalities in any of them, yet. They laughed an awful lot and
seemed to be a bubbly family, at first, but when talking got beyond the topical, I noticed
many swallowed responses, or subject changes. Maybe I was just being hypersensitive,
but maybe I wasnt.
We finally made it to the picnic table that held Bodes elderly aunt after nearly an
hour of navigating through family camps.
Bode went to the plump, gray-haired woman and took her hand. Hello Aunt
Lorraine, she addressed her warmly.
Hello she looked up from her seated position. Oh praise the lord, she
exclaimed standing up. Beatrice! Lorraine grabbed the back of Bodes head and
smashed her into her bosom, little cries of thank you Jesus, and laughs erupted from
her as she held her there tightly in her breast. I didnt know whether to laugh, cry, or pull
her head out for air. Finally she released her, and kissed her cheeks on both sides, holding

96
her head in-between both hands. Oh, Im so happy so blessed to see you! When Jody
said you were in Madison, I insisted on getting together it couldnt be better timing,
either your dads here. Well not here, but in Milwaukee visiting Seth, but theyre both
coming! Hallelujah, God is so good! And with Terry and Jody back together, too. She
smiled broadly at Bode, but Bode seemed to have taken a turn for the worse hearing that
her dad was coming.
Thank you so much for hosting this get together its so good to see everyone.
What about your kidsanyone coming? Its been years since Ive seen them Bode
looked up in the air trying to remember. Ahhh grandmas funeral, I think. Bode
turned to the man sitting across the table from Lorraine and grabbed his hand giving him
a firm handshake. Uncle Sam, how goes it?
Great to see you, Beatrice. It was obvious he was a man of few words. He
smiled and his cheeks turned red. Whos this with you?
He turned to me and suddenly my cheeks, too, grew hot and red. I knew these
people were Christians, and I also knew that historically, most Christians did not
understand being gay. How would Bode introduce me? I decided I couldnt put her
through it, and introduced myself.
Im Sarah. Ive heard so much about both of you. I reached out my hand, but
Aunt Lorraine wasnt having any of it. She grabbed me by the side of my head, as she did
to Bode, and pulled me to her chest. My head was surrounded by plump and old breasts.
Praise God I knew youd be amazing! Any friend of my niece is family here.

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I was uncomfortable, not being used to a strangers body contact, but there was
warmth to her that took away the urge to run away. I hugged her back and said thank you.
She released me and looked into my face as she spoke to Bode.
Your father told me all about Sarah and we are just so pleased that you found
someone to accompany you through life its too short to be alone. She turned to Sam.
Isnt that right sweetie?
Sam nodded, the smile still plastered to his face. He held his arms down into his
lap which gave the impression that he was slouching. It made me wonder who ran the
family matters in their household.
Denise, J.J.s wife, is bringing their daughter, but he claimed that hes working
on a sermon, so he wont be able to come. He did tell his brother, hes still not talking to
me, that he wanted to see you and suggested you go to his Sunday service.
Hmmm I might just do that. Tomorrows going to be a big day for us, so
maybe a little prayer would be good before we hit the road. Bode looked at me.
I could tell she was warning me not to claim my atheist beliefs. Normally I
wouldnt care, but for Bode I held my tongue.
Jessas not coming. She doesnt want to confront Denise. Those two have had
some yelling matches out at the house, she paused and looked like she might cry for a
moment. Then she resumed like all was right in her world. God gives me the answers. I
cant take it on my own. The minute Sam and I didnt have to struggle with money, a new
problem came along. I just dont know what to think of these fights with my children. I
couldnt be there all the time to watch them you remember BeaI drove the school
bus, and worked at the nursing home, and took care of chores in the house.

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Bode nodded, looking at her aunt with love, and shaking her head at the same
time. I can only imagine how hard you worked both of you. She glanced at Sam and
smiled.
And Sams mother needed tending to, also. I just wanted them to be good kids,
and I thought they were and then this, she sighed. J.J. acts like a complete meathead
to all of us. You remember how hyperactive he was as a child, Bea?
Bode nodded.
What was I to do they prescribed Ritalin thats what they did back then
how was I to know? I was a nurse for Gods sakenot a doctor. And now now thats
all my fault everything. His bad childhoodhis acting outmy fault. His sexual
experimentation with his sistermine too. Tears started flowing down her long nose
now.
I turned my head for fear of saying something inappropriate. I never knew how to
respond to other peoples emotions. Tears are so awkward.
Bode guided her to the table with her arm locked underneath hers and set her
down. Bode patted her back. Itll be okay Aunt Lorraine hell come around. He just
needs time to see the truth. Forgiveness comes well, you know to a pure heart.
Please dont cry Ill talk to him tomorrow, I promise.
Hearing these words come from Bode I turned back around and glared at her.
Why in the hell is she getting all hung up in everybody elses business? She kills a man
and suddenly she is the savior of her family?
You will? Aunt Lorraine grabbed Bodes hand and pulled it to her chest.
Thank you Beatrice youre so big-heartedjust like your dad. I can be at peace

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knowing youre my champion. Youd never do anything to hurt another living being.
Such a good woman.
Bode looked down with Lorraines last words. The she said, I will do my best,
but no promises. Please, just no more crying.
I grabbed a tissue from my purse and handed it to her.
Bless you bless you both.
The rest of our time at their table was awkward to say the least. Bode asked what
time her dad was to be expected. Aunt Lorraine told her no more than three hours, so
Bode went into panic mode. Finally some screaming kids came up, crying for grandma to
save them, and Sam and Lorraine both got up to school the childs bully cousin. We made
our escape to the safety of the drinking side, and found Kelle with her husband and two
kids sitting by the coolers.
Did you get your blessings for the year? Kelle snickered as we approached.
Very funny and my dad is coming, Bode informed the group. Hey, she
nodded at Kelles two kids, one boy, one girl. They looked exactly like what I would
have imagined Kelle and Kenny looking at that age.
Oh shitwell you better pack up the alcohol then. Did Lorraine cry about J.J.
and Jessa? Thats some stupid, freaky shit, right there. Why would you suddenly come
out with that after 30 years? I think theyre both a couple of crack-pots, Kelle said.
You were too young and never spent time over there when J.J. was living at
homebut I did and you know what? I dont think Jessa is off base. He tried some
shit with me we were in the house alone in the upstairs bedroom listening to records. I

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told him to get away but he had some look on his face Ill never forget it.
Something missing in his reasoning. Bode shook her head.
Oh shit maybe you should tell someone, Kelle said.
Oh hell no! Why? Get myself all caught up between all of em. That would be
fuckin miserable. No, Im gonna try to get him to confess.
Well, good luck with that, Kelles husband interjected. Hes all Mr. Holier
than thou. You cant even hold a normal conversation with him. Everything is God this
and God that. Its ugly.
Yeah, but he knows, I know. It might be the best position to have. Someone
beside Jessa accusing him. Bode took a long drink off her beer until it was gone and
stared out past our group. I felt she had a plan going on, and I planned on hearing it.
I need to go to the bathroom, Bode. Will you take me into the house?
We walked across the lawn and driveway until we reached the three-story brown
house. Bode opened the patio door and we were awed at the beauty of the huge house.
Did I ever tell you my aunt was a hoarder when she was in the farmhouse?
No really? Oh my God, that is weird does she still hoard?
I dont know. Lets look around.
We opened doors and went up and down hallways and stairs, but there was no
sign of collectables being stored anywhere.
You wouldnt have believed all the shit she had piled everywhere in the house.
Hell, you could barely get up the stairs from magazines piled along the staircase. And
everything in the house smelled like cow shit. If you wanted to sit down you always had

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to move a pile off the couch, always. I wonder why she stopped or how, might be a
better question.
Sure couldnt tell now its all very clean and orderly. Maybe because she was
always working she couldnt sort through it just a thought. Sometimes I put things
aside for latermaybe it just got away from her. We stood there looking all around the
house in awe of the grandness of it for some time. Then I remembered why I brought
Bode in the houseprivate conversation. What the hell you acting so weird about
seeing your dad for?
Look, my Dad has some second sight or something like ithell, I dont know
a third eye. He knows when shit is going on with meits freaky. She moved down
lower in front of me and closer, like she wanted to keep what she was saying from any
ears that may be in the house. Okay, when I was living with him I was having a real
hard time because his wife, June, was being abusive. She hated me because she
looked up in the air pondering. Because I reminded her of my Mom I guess. Her n my
mom were best friends, you see. And well shit, my mom got her a job because her
husband had just died of cancer and left her to care for four kids, alone. So my ma helped
her outgot her a job at my Dads restaurant. Well, he was manager, anyway. Well one
thing led to another and one day my Dad took off to be with herjust up and left us all.
She sat down on the stairs and patted the stair next to her for me to sit down. I sat and
listened.
Bode continued, Ill tell you how I always remember that day: It never entirely
leaves the recedes of my mind. Its always back there threatening to come up, but Im
strong and force it back down like a huge pill. Memory is a funny thing because I was

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five years old. Is it possible to have a memory from that age? Well, anyways, that seems
to be the time in my life when I started having memories. My mother was yelling at him.
Yelling and crying at the same time. He didnt even look at her, just kept putting clothes
in his suitcase. I stood in the door-way to their bedroom watching her say anything,
everything, to make him stay. He just kept packing things in his suitcase with his eyes
down, not looking at us three children watching the scene unfold, not looking at his wife
of ten years. My Dad traveled a lot when hed get a driving job, but somehow we all knew
it wasnt a small stint he was packing for. It was a gone-for-good packing he was
undertaking. My older brothers were age seven and ten, so they understood a great deal
more than me. Then he finally had enough clothes and items to fill his bag and he zipped
it shut. My Mother pulled on his arm as he swung the suitcase off of the bed and began
walking towards the bedroom door.
I can be good, I whispered. He brushed past me. I can be better.
He ignored my plea and nodded at the boys as he opened the front door of the
house not looking back. As he loaded his suitcase into the trunk I got on the couch sitting
in front of the big picture window and leaned over the back cushions. I began to pound
on the window.
Dont leave Daddy, I cried and pounded. I can be good, I will be better!
My brothers pulled me down off the couch, but I glimpsed his face as he reversed
out of the drivewaytears streamed down and made red lines through his perfectly fineface. And he was gone for what seemed to me like foreverthats how I see the whole
episode in my mind.
Holy shit, Bode! Damn, I need a smoke after that.

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Hell TwirlerI aint done telling you what I really wanted to tell you lets go
find a place to share a smoke lets look downstairs.
We found the spare bathroom, but to me it looked like a bedroom I had in my
trailer I lived in when I was twenty. It was huge. The bathroom had what seemed to be a
turbo exhaust fan, so smoking in there made perfect sense. We both lit up and took a seat
on the side of the double wide bathtub. It had seats built into the sides of it. I hadnt ever
seen a tan bathtub beforelet alone one with seats. After getting comfy, Bode went on
with her story.
So anyway, June didnt like me because I reminded her of what she done to my
Mom and us kids. She was always on me. You know she knew my past, getting in trouble
all the time, and the drugs and drinking, stealing from my ma, and skipping school. She
knew all that, so her big fear I think, was that Id mess up her daughter, my half-sister
you know with my bad habits But damn, Twirler, I was trying so hard for a new
lifetrying to be straight to quit the pot and live for Jesus.
What a croc, I commented.
Well, you know I dont believe that shit anymore that to do one you have to
forgo the other, but back then people thought differently ... anyway, June was always
hauling off and slapping me for every little thing she thought I was doing wrong. I say
thought, because most of the time well yeah, probably always, me and my lil sis
would just be messing around laughing. I remember the time that made me want to
leavethe time Im getting to. What happened was me n Sissy was doing dishes, again.
So Sissys washing and Im drying. Shes poking around as usualGod, she was always
daydreaming and being just plain stupidso Im waiting for her to get some more dishes

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washed and she said something that got me laughing. Real stupid likeI dont even
remember what it was about, but when I laughed ha, a phlegm ball flew outta my
mouth and landed on her lipI shit you not! Bode stopped talking momentarily while
she laughed, her face turning red.
Whoa, Lord we were both grossed out, but damn, we were laughing even
harder and pretty soon we were doubled over laughing. Well, you tell me, seriously, how
laughing sounds like fighting but hell, June had it in her head when she flew into the
kitchen and BAMQuik-Draw-McGraw had slapped me so hard my head flew
backwards and laughter was tears. Normally, shed say something ridiculous before
hauling off on me, like Do you want slapped? Yeah, can you imagine? Bode shook her
head.
Holy shitshe doesnt seem that typeshes so so little, and shes nice.
Yeah, well she packed a mean punch back then. Id be like sure June, slap me
real good. Thats exactly what Ive been hankering for. Good God. Then this one time I
wore dress pants to church and she beat the crap out of me for it. If Id had sticks of
dynamite to strap to her I would have blown her to bits. Kaboom! So Id had itI wanted
to go back to my mom. I was on the porch waiting to call my mom when she got off
work. My Dad back then was a long haul trucker so hed been awake for 72 hours and
practically in a coma when he got homethat meant hed sleep for at least 24 hours. So
anyway, the door to the house opened and there was my Dad in his bath robe stepping out
into the hundred degree day.
Bode made her voice deep to mimic her dad. Bea, God woke me up and told me
something is wrong with you, he said. The devils trying to get your soul back.

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God woke up my dad because of me. Do you believe that shit? She looked at
me and took a long hit off of her smoke.
Holy crap whatd you say? I asked her.
Well I told him that the devil was working through his wife then because she
was making my life miserable. I told him I was going back to my moms and he started to
cry.
Bea, its the devilonce you get to Madison he will have control. He will have
you, he cried.
So I promised him Id stick it out. And I tried; I really did try until I finally
stood up to her five months later and got the hell out of there. But Twirler, Im telling you
that he knows when shit aint right with meGod speaks to him. Do you get it?
Ohyes. I did get it. Well, I dont believe in God, and I sure as hell dont
believe in God telling people things, but Bode does. I would say a more probable cause is
that her dad is clairvoyant and somehow received some distress brainwaves from Bode.
Regardless of how he received messages, he still received them. That I did believe. So
what do we do?
I think we need a way outof the reunion, I mean. A way to get away before my
dad shows up and sees me.
Then we heard footsteps on the stairs. We both stood up and rushed into the toilet
area and threw our butts in and flushed. Bode rifled through the vanity searching for
spray. Finding a bottle of air freshener she rapidly sprayed throughout both rooms. A
pounding on the door followed by a childs voice, I really got to go!

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Just another minute, Bode called out. She waved her arms madly in the air.
Just follow my lead to get us outta the reunion I dont know what to do yet but
when it comes to me, it might be something weird follow through, okay? Oh, and dont
get wasted, we need our heads straight, alright? Please?
Hell yeah, Ive got I mean have I have your back.
She opened the door and smiled at the little girl crossing her legs pushing through
us to get to the stool. We went up the stairs and into the main dining room, and I thought
of what Bode had revealed about her teen years at her dads house and I wondered how
many more stories were hiding behind her faade of being someone who was mentally
stable and not affected by her childhood. I was beginning to think it was only the tip of
the iceberg, but time would be the teller of all her stories, and I was soon to find out more
than even I could imagine.

We soon were back out among the Shriners with Bode aware and alert for her dad
to arrive. If Bode was as spiritual as she claimed to be, and having all these conversations
with God wouldnt He have already told Bodes dad about her killing a man? It
seemed there was another reason for her not wanting to see her dad. I was deep in these
thoughts when I noticed a beautiful woman staring at Bode and I. She smiled when she
saw me looking at her and kept my gaze steady in her own. I blushed, but didnt look
away. Bode must have caught me staring because she spoke up.
Pretty, isnt she? Thats DeniseJ.J.s wife. Isnt it crazy that a creep like him
ended up with such a gorgeous wife? Bode lit a smoke.

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Youre kidding me? Huh, yeah, I guess. I pretended that I didnt care, but this
woman intrigued me more than just a little, and I felt ashamed that Bode caught me
looking. I couldnt help stealing another look, and to my surprise she was walking to
where we stood.
Beatrice?
Hello. Deniseright? Bode switched her cigarette to the other hand and stuck it
out to shake.
She had big hair, big eyes, and a big smile. I noticed right away her look was like
a beauty queen youd see in a pageant. Her sitting atop a convertible and waving a parade
wave as she was driven through her adoring fans. Her eyes were green and kind. I sank in
them like diving into a pool. When I came out of the pool, I climbed out through her dark
brown hair highlighted with red and auburn, and then whispered sweet nothings in her
perfect ear that her hair was tucked behind. Her soft neck showed her age with a few
wrinkles showing her tan, and its muscular base. A cross necklace adorned it. It was the
soft spot that I loved to nuzzle on Bode, but now admired on this straight woman who
was married. I was awakened from my dream when I heard my name.
This here is Sarah. Shes my partner in crimeer life. Well, you get the idea
we live together. Bode stumbled through the introductions and blushed, looking down.
Its a well-known fact that Im prone to crushes, and Bode herself is aware of my
inability to work anywhere that has attractive women in their employment. While it gets
me to work, it also is distracting. Id never act out on a crush, and Bode and I have come
to the conclusion that if were honest with each other it diffuses the power of the crush.

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Nice to meet you, I grabbed her hand, it was soft and tender. She held my hand
backI blushed and released, quickly looking away. Awkwardness soon took over her
intrusion to our area. Bode and I acted like two teenage boys trying to impress the hot
girl.
So, just passing through, I heard? Where to after Wisconsin? She asked.
Yeah, well were protestors. Well, I am. Sarah just follows along because she
thinks its fun to stir up shitbut me, on the other handIm a real walking with signs,
and megaphones, kind of gal.
Thats not trueI do too like to protest. Why do you always make me out to be
normal. You know Im not. I glared at Bode.
Anyway, were going to New York city to protest with the 99 percent. Damn
capitalists! Damn Wall Street to hell, and these so-called corporations that think theyre
too big to fail. Hell, I aint paying their million dollar bonuses anymore. We will
probably live in a tent for a while.
Oooo, that sounds exciting. Id love to be part of something bigsomething
monumentalsomething else.
She said else like her world was crap and I looked up into her face, and
suddenly realized that she was a real live person. I wondered what could possibly turn her
to near tears at the thought of being part of a revolution. I looked at Bode, and she too,
was suddenly somber and quiet. Looking at Denise and then to me piercing her lips
together in a grimace of pain. It wasnt surprising that Bode picked up on the same
feeling from Denise as me, it really happened all the time.

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Hey now, whats the sad face all about, Bode asked. Im sure youd be a real
good revolutionary. Although, maybe weve built it up just a little for stories sake.
Now she smiled, but through the smile tears began to run down her face. Im
sorry. She reached in her purse and pulled out a tissue. She dabbed at her tears trying to
be inconspicuous, like she didnt want the rest of the Shriners to see her tears.
Bode walked over to where she stood. Do you want to go somewhere and talkI
mean if that would helpyou got something to get off your back, Denise?
The timing couldnt have been worse, just then three children came running full
speed at Denise, MOM, mom, momcan we ride the horse? Can we whats wrong,
ma? The brown haired girl asked. She stopped in front of her mother, and then looked at
Bode and I accusingly. Go wait over there by the fence, the girl instructed the other two
children who did not seem to be Denises.
Im ok sweetie. I just got an ash in my eye from the fire you know my
allergies. Yes, sweetiego ride the horse. Wait. Is there an adult over there?
She nodded, yes, Grandpas got the saddle on. Shes real tame Grandpa said.
They want me to spend the nightoh can I, please? I never get to see them anymore. I
promise I will be real good, she leaned on her mothers arm. She made her request,
leaning her full body against Denises side.
Im not sure what your father will say. You know I have to ask him sweetie. I
cant just say yes. Ill call him while youre riding. Ok? Dont tell Grandpa one way or
another, ok? Promise me now?
Alright, she sighed. He wont say yes. He hates them. I might as well forget it.
Why did Auntie have to fight with daddy? I cant do anything anymore.

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She hung her head and Denise bent down to her and whispered in her ear. Then
she patted the little girls butt softly as she began walking away. When she got a short
distance from us she began to run again to her cousins at the fence, all her previous
concerns seemed forgotten.
Watching her made me miss my childhood. Circumstances that seemed so huge
one moment could easily be forgotten with the whisper from a parent. If only I could
forget Bode and Is predicament so easily.
Thats Janie, our only child. Shes ten. Denise looked wistfully after her child.
She sighed and bowed her head. Do you have any more beer?
Well I could get you oneI didnt realize you drink.
I dontnormally. But I dont feel like being normal right nowdo you mind?
No, no, not at all. Ill be right back. I got to go to Kelles cooler. Twirler can you
keep her company? It was meant of more of a comment then a question and she walked
away to find the beer.
Bring me one, too, I hollered after her. Do you want to sit down? Im tired of
standing.
Sure. I sit in grass. Is that ok with you?
Hell yeahrevolutionary, remember?
She laughed and we both plopped down in the grass. I was happy to see a smile
on her face, but unfortunately it didnt last long. We sat in silence and she picked blades
of grass and sucked on the white sweet part of the root. I picked and did the same, trying
to get the whole root is harder than it seems.

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Then she spoke, Im not like him, you know. J.J. I mean. Im not that kind of
Christian. We argue about it all the time. He wants me to take a leadership role in the
church. Ive never been like that. He wasnt in to church when we first met. She paused
talking and looked off into the pasture where Janie was on the horse now. She smiled and
waved at her baby-girl. She continued, He was a normal teenage kid. He was funny and
treated me like gold. His parents were always super religiousI thought that meant he
wouldnt be, since he wasnt already, but I was wrong. We tried and tried to have
children, but nothing. Then after years of not using protection, suddenly at thirty-two Im
pregnant. J.J. changed, started going to church regularly with his folks, and later he
insisted that I attend, too. Pretty soon he was in the seminary, taking classes. I never fully
believed like him, she said the last words and looked up into my face. It occurred to me
that she might think I was a Christian.
You dont have to explain it to me. Im an atheist. Bodes the heretic, I laughed.
But she doesnt believe in religion. She says most Christians are hypocrites. But boy,
dont question her God. Shes a firm believer in Him.
Bode? Whos Bode?
Oh, sorry. Beatrice to you I guess.
Ha, I see. Nice term of endearment, she paused briefly. Well, J.J.s a
hypocrite. Im sure youve heard the rumor about him and his sister?
I nodded.
She continued, The fact that Im sure he did it isnt the problemwhat bothers
me is he wont admit to it. I could forgive him being humanwhat I cant forgive is
denying it. She moved her feet out from under her, and sat on her butt, trying to get

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comfortable. I dont love him anymore. I want to leave him. Its just Janie what
would it do to her? I know he would never let me take her from him. She is his
everything, and that huh that scares me. I cant live without my little girl. She
looked out to the pasture where the kids were riding. Well shit, how could I?
We both sat there taking it all in. Strangers were always telling me their fucked up
life stories, so I wasnt really shocked by her revelation. Her life really sucked. It seemed
to me she was married to a man who would not allow himself to be human wouldnt
allow her to be either. If she left him, she sacrificed her child. As we sat there we
watched Bode approach with a handful of beer. She came upon us and seemed to sense
the gravity of our discussion.
Everyone alright?
Not really, Denise said. But hand over that beer and I will be shortly.
Are you sure about doing this all in the open?
Bea, I cant say that I give two shits anymore what the rest of those Shriners
think about me. But just in case for Janies sake. Im going to get a red cup. Ill be
right back. She got up and walked toward the garage that held the food and beverage
table.
Bode sat down next to me. Hows she doing?
Its not good, Bode. She wants to leave J.J.
Really? Hmmm, things must be real bad. Either that or you really worked your
charm on her. She slugged my arm and I laughed and hit her back. She twisted the top
off her beer and drank long.
Whoa what about your dad?

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Fuck it.
Really Bode? Really?
Well, yeahuntil he arrives, she laughed.
We stayed put on the grass and various family members came over and sat for a
while and then moved on. We did a lot of laughing with various cousins, aunts, and
uncles, and Denise came back and camped out with us. She seemed to be enjoying herself
drinking from her red cup. To me, it was obvious she was drinking for the first time in
many years, but she was happy, and unconcerned with the religious fanatics finding out.
It was some time later when a loud uproar went up in the driveway that Bode
remembered her dad was coming with his brother.
We were too late to make our escape. A round man came walking toward where
we were sitting on the grassy knoll. Bode rushed forward to greet them before he could
make it to where the drinking was going on, and I joined her.
There they are! He proclaimed. A large smile overtook his red face and Bode
fell into his belly, wrapping her arms as far as they would reach, around him. They
hugged hard and he kissed the side of her cheek. What about you, he turned to me. Do
I get one from you?
Sure, hi Bernie.
Whats this I hear about you two going to raise some hell in New York?
Dad, Im not going to bore you with our political viewsI know they clash with
your own. I aint never been one to sit around and let things work themselves outyou
know.

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Well, yeah. Youre a Shriner. Make it happen, one way or another, he laughed.
Whos that in the grass?
Thats Denise, J.J.s wife.
Is it? Well, Ill beshe just gets better looking with agehmmmis she
drinking? He had a look of shock on his face and I followed his eyes to wear Denise was
sitting, but now she was rolling down the grassy hill, laughing as she went, red cup in
hand. She seemed to be gaining speed as she rolled with her arms held out at the top of
her head. We all three watched until she ran out of steam. I was hoping she would now
show her sobriety, but to my amazement she stood up and began weaving back and forth.
Bode ran to where she was and grabbed hold of her arm, whispering in her ear as
she did so. I found myself alone with Bodes dad, and I laughed uncomfortably. Bode
brought Denise up to where we stood. I wondered if she had lost her mind. It was obvious
that she was loaded, and it was also obvious that she had been sitting with us.
Thats my fault Bode explained. I was supposed to be watching her and we
left her alone. She leaned into her father now and whispered, she and J.J. are having
some problems she took it real hard we agreed to take care of her.
Oh, poor thing, he looked at Denise with obvious distress, but looked relieved
that Bode was doing her family duty and taking care of a fallen member.
In fact we cant stay too much longerwe promised to get her home safe
tonight.
Denise smiled and swayed. Bernie! she exclaimed.
Hi Denise yes, its Berniegood to see you. He turned to Bode and
whispered, Is her kid here?

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Bode nodded.
Is someone with her? Are they making sure she doesnt see her mother this
way?
I think were going to have to leave. She just got this bad, I dont understand it.
But she did say her little one wants to sleep at Gramma and Grampas, so thats set up
already.
Alright. Its a shame we cant visit more, but this woman needs to go home and
get away from here. Do you think shes capable of giving you directions to her house? I
mean I understand its probably only a one time dealbut we cant have J.J.s family
seeing her like this. You take her, and Ill tell Lorraine that her kid can stay the night.
You make sure J.J. knows, okay? Promise youll tell him?
Sure Dad, I love you. Bode reached over and half hugged him, kissing his
cheek again.
Be safe you guys. I will be prayingfor all of you.
Go around this back and out to the front of the house that way. You should be
clear. Ill tell anyone who asks that she became ill and needed a ride home. You need a
place to stay tonight?
Nope Dad, we got it. Love you.
Love you too, my little girl. Now go!
After we rounded the corner of the house, Denise turned to Bode and asked, did
that earn my seat to New York? She batted her eyelashes.
Are you fucking kidding me? Howd you know? I meanwhat the shit?

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When I went to go get my cup, I ran into Kelle and she informed me of your
paranoia with you drinking and your dad. I get it, you knowI lived around these people
for twenty years. I didnt realize itd work that well, though. I just figured if I acted
wasted, he would forget about you and focus on me. But believe me; I never thought it
would get us a ticket out of this bore-fest. More than just another pretty face, huh cousin
Bode?
We laughed and stood on the side of the house, peering around the corner to the
driveway. When it was totally clear we began to make our way to the car. Bode still held
Denises arm.
HEY LOSERS!
We all turned around behind us only to see Kelle running our way. BitchesI
cant believe you get to leavebut okwhere you going tonight? We want to hang out.
Bode looked at me with a questioning look, and I knew immediately she was
asking my permission to party tonight in our room. I nodded, I dont care, but we dont
even have a room, yet.
The hotel by the Interstate. We drove by on our way here green building, I
think. We passed it on our wayprobably twenty miles away?
Yep, whos name?
Mine, Denise spoke and Bode and I both jumped.
Hey nowwait a minute.
I insist. I know it doesnt mean Im going with you. I just want to hang out
tonight and Im not going home, so you might as well let me.

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Kelle smiled and said, O.k. thenIll just say Shrinerthat should cover it.
Later losers!
We made it to the car and out of the driveway. Bode drove east. Away from the
setting sun and toward Fate, that trickster who cranked her wheel as I silently
maneuvered to keep my legs from catching in her spokes and getting sucked underneath.

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Chapter 9
Bode
Thats the thing about being a victim somewhere down the road you usually
end up victimizing someone else.
I couldnt shake the words. They ran like a tape recorder through my head once
Denise asked to go with us, and then refused to take no for an answer. She didnt know
the whole story. How could we allow her to be with us without telling her we were
wanted, and kind-of on the run from the law, or if we werent nowsoon would be
criminals. Once the bloated body surfaced our lives would change, and it would be
irresponsible to not disclose that information to a possible accomplice. But damn, we
started having fun when Denise joined us, and so Twirler and I stayed quiet about our
criminal activity.
When we left the reunion at my dads bidding, we began a party that ended with a
split. No longer could my family and I hide behind the dreams of youngsters spun in the
sand-box, and made real in a story book. It was the reality that we were grown, and no
longer thought the same that reached out and slapped the shit out of us, and left me once
again separated from the ones I love.

I drove, despite the high feeling from defeating my dad, and all the beers Id
drank. It wasnt dark yet, and I could hold my alcohol way better than Twirler. I pulled
out my favorite Bob Seeger CD, and played Roll Me Away to celebrate Denises new
found freedom. It was our ladies night and she was our woman of the hour. We all sang

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along as I twisted and curved through Wisconsin terrain. Again! Id say and Id hit the
replay button on the CD player. Wed all laugh and begin singing again, only louder.
It went on like that until we arrived at the hotel. Then Denise informed us she had
to call J.J.. Twirler and I left her outside in the parking lot and went in and arranged for
the room. I got two queen size beds and the keys to our room. As we left the office
Denises voice echoed through the parking lot.
Well, I dont give a shitshes staying the night there. Uncle Bernie or someone
over there can drop her off in the morning! Silence and then, Piss off, J.J., I already
told youIm hanging out with your cousins tonightdeal with it! She flipped her
phone shut.
Wooooohoooooo lady! Damn, you told him!
Yeah, shits gotta be clear or a players gonna play or get playedor
something to that effect, she laughed.
We all piled back in the car to drive across the street to the gas station to buy beer.
Denise insisted on paying for two cases, and Twirler and I let her. Hell, we never wanted
anything to be uneven, but facts were facts, we didnt know how long our money needed
to last. Twirler had a bond from her grandparents that came mature that she cashed out,
and I had my student loan money. It wouldnt be much in New York, but it was plenty for
right now.
School. Damn, I hadnt thought about that mess I made since we decided to be
revolutionaries. Twirler never really messed with my money issues, I always thought that
fact was one of the reasons why we worked; she stayed out of my business and I stayed
out of hers. It wasnt that we didnt care about each otherit just wasnt my business

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what the hell she did with her money. I didnt own her, or vice versawe shared our
lives, not our money. We had met so many lesbians who fall in love and all-of-a-sudden
they were sharing bank accounts, living spaces, and children. One year later they werent
speaking to each other. Hell, we werent going out like that. The cause of their demise
was just so damn obvious to any outsider, yet lesbians continued to make these mistakes
time after time. It was one of the reasons Twirler and I agreed to never to get married
once it did become legal. No marriage is sacred. This is a fact we both experienced in our
own personal lives, and making it legal isnt gonna change the fact for homosexuals.
Theres something wrong with society when anyone is getting married and expecting it to
last, is a joke. So we protest by not getting married, when all of gay America was fighting
for the right to wed their life partner, Twirler and I said no. So here I am spending my
school money on a protest road trip. Of course Twirlers not going to tell me to get my
ass back to school. Shes all about the funand hell, you know. I stuck it in the back of
my mind, and filed it under things that need tending to, and went on with my good
time. Besides, Algebra and English 101 would still be there when I decided to be
responsible.
After buying beer we drove back to the hotel and went to our room. It was nice.
Way nicer that the piece of shit hotel we stayed at in Madison. We had a large vanity
with two sinks in front of the bathroom area. That in itself was a bonus, especially with
three women needing to get ready in the morning. The beds were high off the ground
with new looking comforters on them. Four pillows were on each bed. The room also had
a separate seating area with two high backed chairs, a table, and a couch. We hit the
jackpot! I walked into the inner area of the bathroom and realized the tub had jets in it to

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convert it to a hot tub. We all ran back and forth between rooms exclaiming our finds.
Pretty soon Twirler was jumping on the bed.
This is the real test of how a bed feels! She exclaimed as she jumped.
There was a knock on the door. The three of us froze and stared at each other in
fear. Who knew we were here?
Open up, dumbass. Its us.
Oh shit, I said. I opened the door. What took you so long? I forgot you were
even coming.
I had to put my trolls to bed, Kelle said.
Trolls? I asked.
The kids? Try to keep up, will ya?
Kelle entered and behind her was my other favorite cousin, Shrader, with her
eighteen-year-old son, Duwayne.
Hey! We hugged. What a great fucking surpriseI didnt think Id get to see
you at all this time, after you didnt show up at Lorraines.
Yeah, I had to get this one out of jail today, she said. She hit her son across the
side of his head. Oh yeah, did I tell youjail?
I laughed. Shrader was the funniest Shriner in my opinion. The name comes from
her married last name, but we all just went with it as a nickname. I was five years
younger than her, but she always treated me with respect, even in my young, rebellious
years. We always found something to laugh about. Shrader and Is relationship was like
mine and Kelles but in reverse. The women in this family need to stick together, and we
all recognize the need for solidarity to keep the family together despite the sometimes

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long distance, separation (both physical and mental), and financial boundaries. The only
problem with this line of thought is the division with the Christian women of the family.
But even now we were forging into new territory with Denise joining the ranks of the
Christian-but-not-hypocritical Shriner clan. This term is how I thought of us anyway.
Shraders son, we were informed, started to smoke weed, get drunk, and skip
school. He was in his senior year of High school and Shraders brother was the Sherriff
where they lived. His extracurricular activity is the reason why she had to bring him with
her. His stupid ass is not staying home alone ever again, until he graduatesand then
its hasta la vista baby!
Theres hope, Shrader I mean, hell, you remember what I was up to at his age,
right? Youll be okay Duwayne. I winked at him.
We all moved into the interior of the room and sat down in the sitting area. I took
their beer and put some of it in the mini-fridge. Does Duwayne get to drink?
Oh, hell no! Hes the designated driverdont even think about it!
Calm downits cool, Im good with my pop, Duwayne said. Holy shit
Shrader, bring it down a notch! His mother rose up from her seat with her hand up in the
air, aping a backhand stance. Duwayne ducked down and flinched. Sorry holy shit!
This kid, I swear to Godif I make it the next seven months it will be a fucking
miracle.
What made this scene even more comical was the fact that Duwayne is a big boy;
he stands 6 foot 2 and weighs at least 270 pounds. He still feared his mother of 5 foot 7.

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The trolls wouldnt dream of talking back to mebut theyre young. Give them
a couple of years and Ill be back-handing with ya, Kelle said. She popped her beer open
and tilted her head back to take a good long drink.
Kelle, please, enlighten mewhy do you call your kids trolls? Twirler asked.
They have the downstairs to themselvestheyre constantly down there. You
wouldnt believe it they text me to bring them food, drinks, or anything else they want
from upstairs that they cant get off their asses to gethence the name TROLLS!
The room erupted in laughter.
I swear their eyes are getting bigger from being in the dark! Pretty soon Ill be
calling them demons! She added.
More laughter.
My girl is so sheltered I should call her Panic-room, Denise said.
My boys so useless I should call him Flobee.Shrader added.
My mothers so crazy I should call her Annie Wilkes, I said.
Huh? Kelle asked.
Misery.
Nice,Duwayne said.
My husbands so ugly I should call him Gollum, Denise said.
My ex is so ugly I should call her Butter Face, Twirler said.
Huh?
She has a really nice body Butter face.
Pretty soon we were all doubled over and holding our stomachs from the pain of
laughing so hard.

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Stopseriously, it hurts, I said. I wiped at my eyes to dry the tears.
When the laughter finally died down Shrader asked about my mother. Twirlers
grin left her face.
Yeah, whats your mom up to these days? Kelle asked.
Well shes ok, I said. The inner turmoil began. My chest tightened and my heart
dropped into my stomach. It had been five days without thought of her. Even though
those five days were the most agonizing time in my life up until now, I still felt a sense of
relief knowing I didnt have to watch over her, and wait for the call that always came, the
call that told me something terrible had happened and that I was expected to make right.
Then it struck me. Aw shit Twirler my ringers off on my phone I thought
it was a little too peaceful for a Saturday. I pulled my phone out of my purse and looked
at its screen. Ten missed calls. And this was just from today. When I used the phone
earlier to call for directions these missed calls werent on there. Damn! The guilt
started to kick in. All the missed calls were from my ma.
Please tell me youre not going to call her why cant your brother deal with
it? Twirler asked.
Thats a joke. He wont answer thats why she calls me. Its just such
bullshit!
Why is she calling you all the time? Denise asked.
I sat and thought about when the phone calls started. Exactly when did her world
fall apart? It seemed like it had been happening for a long time. I have my own guilt
about it; those early unruly days of mine changed my mother and it seemed that these
were the beginnings of her misery. But that wasnt dementia, that was teenage daughter

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and the death of my brother, Bobby. Hell, his death messed all of us up, but I added insult
to injury for my mother who was trying to cope the best way she could. Bobby died in a
car crash after partying all night, his best friend Mike was at the wheel. Since I was with
them before hand at a party I know that they had drunk a lot of hard alcohol and smoked
weed continuously that night. Bobby and Mike were juniors in High school and by the
time they left the party, could barely walk, let alone drive. Those were different times;
people did those kinds of things without thinking about consequence. Mike missed a
curve and they hit a tree head-on going 60 miles per hour. The car turned into a fireball
and exploded. They werent found until after the car was a smoldering heap of burnt out
metal. There was nothing left but ashes.

Im gonna go call her and see whats up Ill be right back.

Twirler got up and went to where I stood by the bathroom door. Youre going to
screw up your whole night by talking to her you dont have to call her.
You know I do something could be real bad, Twirler. I couldnt live with
myself if something happened to her.
Her life is not your responsibility. Why do you do this?
Shes my ma, Twirler. You cant just abandon family.
She doesnt even like you.
Shes an equal opportunity hater she dont like you either, I laughed.
Alright, but dont say I didnt warn you. Im serious I dont want to hear
about the lunatic shit she says to you.

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You cant abandon family. My mind went back to the day it happened. The day
we all changed. My first thought after being told about Bobbys death was the usual; I
was the one who wanted to die. I was the one who was trying to drink myself to death. It
was me who was an abomination to Gods law by being a gay, not my brother Bobby. It
wasnt fair. Yes, God can be a cruel puppet master of irony, and I was angry, and I lashed
out. Unfortunately, it was my mother who took the brunt of my anger. My oldest brother
Bryce was away from home by this time. He came home for the funeral and quickly
retreated back to his private life in the twin cities. He buried himself in hashish and Jesus,
and I buried myself in self-pity and alcohol. I hated him, and I loved Bobby. Why did the
good ones always have to die?
Things got real bad at home with my ma and me. I remember the incident that
changed it all between us. Up until then I had never laid a hand on my mom, wouldnt
dream of it, but my anger took ahold of me like a demon with its own agenda and it all
came to a head one night shortly after the funeral. I had been out drinking all day and into
the night and I came stumbling in the door to our apartment, oblivious to anything around
me. My mother confronted me and asked if I was drunk.
I aint fuckin drunk.
She walked close to me and took a deep sniff. Thats ityoure grounded for a
month! Im not putting up with this shit anymore!
No, Im not. I looked at her defiantly, standing by the doorway with the door to
the hallway still open.
She grabbed my hair. Get in this house!

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I grabbed hers back and wrapped it around my hand and pulled it downward. She,
too, pulled her fist downward. We stared at each other, and slowly we went farther down
towards the ground trying to relieve the pain from the pulled hair. Finally she let go and
pushed me.
Get the fuck out! Get out of here! She launched me backwards and to the base
of the stairs. I struggled backwards trying to keep my balance, but the alcohol took over
and I lost my balance falling down the flight of stairs and coming to rest in the downstairs
doorway in front of the orange door.
My anger overtook any pain, and I stood up. Go to hell! I hate your fucking
guts!
Apartment doors opened and neighbors began to look into the hallway. Do I
need to call the police?
No, she was just leaving, my mom responded. Then she slammed the door shut.
I stood there feeling that our relationship was done. I was no longer her daughter,
but an object of hate, as she was to me. I grew up that night and began my life on the
street. Id be damned if I was going to apologize to her for being born. It would be two
months later when my mom would make the decision to send me to my dads to live. But
after a year there I would be back, and worse than ever. She would eventually sign me
into drug and alcohol rehab, twice. Every time Id get a couple of months of sobriety
under my belt, that old feeling of self-loathing would return and Id be at whatever the
pain reliever of the moment was: cocaine, LSD, shrooms, ludes, a quart of Vodka, or a
quart of Southern Comfort. I turned eighteen in a halfway house.

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This is where I met my first real lesbian and fell in love. She helped me accept
myself. God doesnt make mistakes, Bea. She would tell me with a grin plastered on
her face. She was engaged to another woman and I experienced my second heartbreak in
life, but this time it was due to the love of a woman and not death. That I could admit
who I was didnt make the fact that I was different go away. It lessened the intensity, but
it was still there.
After getting booted out of the halfway house, I was desperate for a place to live. I
moved into the YWCA for five months, and hung out with street people, drunks, the
homeless, and criminals. I was on assistance from the State as I tried to find a job.
Madison was just not the place to make it for me and I fell into a deep depression. My
only good friend convinced me to move to be with family before I killed myself. My
mother had moved to Omaha while I was in treatment, for her job, so I moved and
decided to start a fresh slate with her.

Twirler turned away from me and went back into the seating area and explained
that I needed to call my ma. I went into the bathroom and shut the door sitting down on
the edge of the tub. I dialed her number and bit on a hangnail. It rang and I pictured how
she wouldnt answer the phoneshe wouldnt quite reach it in time, and then Id have to
sit and wait for her to call backusually about two to five minutes laterand when I
answered she would just say, Yeah, and then sit there and not say a thing until I did.
Yeah, you called?
Um, yesdidnt you just call me? She asked.

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Yes, because you burned down my phone all day. Whats going on?
Ohwell, dont freak out but I had an accident in my car.
Oh no are you okay?
You do carethanks for askingIm fine. I thought you might freak out I
wasnt even going to tell you its that damn car. You know I cant see out of it, it has
so many blind-spotswell that, and then this woman blocked my way
Blocked your waywhat the hell? What woman?
Oh some Omaha Bitch just pulled her car out in front of me and started
screaming, youre in the wrong lane. Yeah, yeah, do you believe that? What a psycho
yeah just parked out there in front of me so I couldnt turn then I pulled out into
the main lane to get away from her and I was hit. I was trying to get away from her.
Psycho! I could tell she was getting worked up, talking fast, and only telling me half the
story.
So youre telling me that some random woman just pulled out in front of you in a
turn lane and stopped so you couldnt turn? I wondered why someone would do that to
an old lady.
Yeah yeah, weird right? The policeman asked if I thought I was set up. Yeah,
they know whats going on in town why would he have asked that if they didnt know
it was happening?
Oh my Godprobably because you told him what you just told me. Oh my God
theyre gonna take your license, or raise your raaa
Hey now just a damn minute. She had that tone. The one that says that she
knows what the hell is goin on and youre delusionalshes right and youre wrong!

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Fuck off! I just got my insurance renewal and they lowered my rate. Uh huh, thats
rightlowered.
Ok, that cant even be realyou just got into that accident that totaled your last
cartheres no fuckin way they lowered your rate.
Wellthey did.
You better make sure they didnt lower your coverage.
Yeah, well, they cant do that. Not without my consent. I kind of know whats
going on ya knowGeez, I should have known the Shriner in you would kick in.
My Shriner?
Yeah, your family.
Youre my family. What the hell are you talking aboutmy family.
Yeah, well, enough said.
My dads side of the family was the reason for everything wrong with me. They
were control freaks, and alcoholics, and drug addicts, and they were me. Thats what
she was saying.
Well, what the hell do you want me to do about your car?
Nothing. Not a damn thing!
Well, cmon, what the hell am I supposed to do out here? Its not like I can just
come over and deal with it.
Nonoyou had to go and get yourself two hours from me with that piece of
tail. Well, Ill remember it.
Now whats that supposed to mean?
Next time you and that whore get into a jamyou can just ask her parents.

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Did you just say whore?
Silence.
Maremember what I said about calling Sarah names? Im so fucking serious
right nowdont do it again!
Or what?
Or Ill hang up thats what! I said.
Well, God knows I dont want that.
Cmon, cant we just talk normal about it without calling names or getting
angry? Please just leave Sarah out of itshe has nothing to do with what I say or do.
Youve got someone to help you outI dont, she said.
Whose fault is that?
Well, its not mineI didnt tell you to take off to go to school. I mean really
how many forty-year-olds take off to go to school? And arent you happy with everyone
gathered around you.
Everyone gathered around me? What in the world are you talking about?
Yeah, yeah, thats what I said.
Why are you so set against me getting an education? You sound jealous when
you say stuff like that.
Well, I worked 30 years at the same place and Im not doing too bad. Why do
you think you need schooling to have a career? she asked.
You just want me to be dependent on money from you the rest of my lifeso
you can dictate what I do and who I seeyou wont be happy until Bryce and I are
totally under your control. And what happens when you die? Do you even care one lick

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about either one of us? Im trying to better my life and you just care about you and what
youve lost.
Oh gimme a break! Better your life. Thats a joke.
You are just the meanest person I have ever metso fucking miserable! Look,
dont call me anymoreI dont care what happens to you every time I try to help you,
you have a reason why it wont work. Ive asked you to sell your house and move to a
smaller community out here. Nope, wont work. Ive told you you could sell your car and
get a smaller one that you can see out of. Nope you wont do that either. Ive given
you names of financial planners, but those wont work either for one paranoid reason or
anotherIm tellin ya I cant take it anymore. I dont know what the hell I can do for
you because youll never be happy until you have me living there againand plain and
simple Ma, its not happening. Im not coming back!
Well, maybe it would just be easier if I were dead. Maybe I should just kill
myself.
Wow yeah thats real great. Now start this shit, telling your child that youre
going to kill yourself. Ill tell ya what why dont you go to a fucking doctor, because
seriously, you need help Ma. I cant do it I cant. I wont always be around for you
either, so you better figure it out. Go to a doctor! I flipped the phone shut and sat
thereshaking.
My thoughts went to the second worse day in our relationship; the day I quit
getting hugs goodbye or hello. I was living with her after leaving Madison, and she
discovered my secret life. She had started to go through my things in my room, I dont

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know why, but she discovered a love letter from a woman. I came home from work and
she stood there staring at me.
What the hell? I asked.
This, she exclaimed. She held what looked like an envelope in her hand. It was
a letter, and she waved it in the air. This is why you are so fucked up! Youre unnatural!
Youve always been so easily swayed by your friends. Now you think youre a lesbian
because youve been hanging out with them in that halfway house. Those people have
taken over your brain!
You went through my stuff? I asked.
Well, its the only way for me to find these things out. Good thing I did. Being
gay is not right nopenot right with God. So snap out of it! She snarled at me. She
was still holding the envelope out.
I grabbed the envelope from her hand. You deserve everything you find out. You
want to go through my personal things? Here let me help you, I said. I walked down the
hallway to my room. I opened up my top dresser drawer and pulled it out and dumped it
on the ground in front of me. Then I grabbed the next drawer in line and did the same.
Oh, knock it off! This is my house. I get to look wherever I want! She stood in
the doorway to the bedroom.
Here heres my lube do you want to check the brand? I threw the bottle at
her head.
Get out of here!
Back to that, huh? Ok, Im gone, bitch. But just remember when they find my
body, just so theres no doubt in your mind this time, it will be your fault! Who in their

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right fucking mind would choose to be gay? Dont you get it? This is why I want to die
why I drink so much no one chooses I grabbed a bag and started shoving my
clothes in it.
She turned and walked away. Walked into her living room and lit a cigarette.
Im so glad its out, and I know how you feel. It confirms what I always knew
what surprises me, is that its you who said it I never thought youd judge me as being
immoral. I always thought it would be dad so thanks. Thank you so much for showing
your true colors. I talked as I packed. Not expecting her to hear, or care for that matter. I
grabbed things and kept stuffing my bag. Then, through tears I grabbed another tote and
filled it to the bursting point. I walked out the door with the bags in my hand and I could
have just kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to hurt her as deep as I felt she hurt me. The
shame of my secret was exposed to the open air. Breathing its own life, and taking on an
identity within me. From now on this will be me, gay. There would be no backpedalingno denyingit would be there like a cancerous tumor. So I turned to her on
my way out the door and said the only thing that I knew would damage herdeeply.
I half whispered it to her while I stood in the doorway. Bobby had to die to get
the hell away from you I wish it was me because then Id be free! I slammed the door
so hard the house shook.
And so began my roamer years. I lived in my car and went wherever the hell I
wanted, working for temporary services here and there. We didnt talk for two years. I
finally returned when I was twenty-two and settled in Omaha with my own place and fell
in love with a co-worker. My Ma never said another word about me being gaydirectly.
She insinuated plenty, but she knew that if she wanted to be a part of my life she needed

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to keep her mouth to herself. Life went on without many hitches. Then I got a job
working at the same place as my mother. We worked at different plants, me in production
and her in sales and customer service. I was still drinking and using drugs, just not as
much. I kept that job for ten years until meth got a hold of me. Of course I didnt tell her
that I had been high for three days when I had had enough of mandatory overtime and
walked away from the job in the middle of my shift. I also didnt tell her when I left my
place and moved back in with her that it was to escape the town just outside of Omaha
that probably had me on police surveillance selling drugs. I also didnt tell her that I was
still using.
Maybe if my mom knew all these things that Twirler saved me from she wouldnt
hate her so much, or hate the fact that I left her to go to school. But maybe that wouldnt
matter at all, because she would still be an alone, and unhappy, old woman. When I was
with her she didnt appreciate me being there, and when I moved away I was chasing
tail, according to her. But I had, after all, created her with my bad ways. Ive never been
one to wear my sexuality like a badge. Its just not anybodys business to my way of
thinking, let alone a parent. Do straight people walk into their house and proclaim Im
sleeping with the opposite sex! I mean cmon, its just so ridiculous to give your mother
a visual of what you do in bed.
I brought my thinking back to the then, to what was happening in front of me at
the time: Why wont she get help? She thinks because she worked with veterinarians that
she knows medicine. She hasnt had a physical in nine years, and at the age of 75 that
really isnt a good idea. Bryce and I both see the signs of dementia in her. It began about
five years ago but has recently gotten really bad. Shes so hateful. Doctors say not to

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argue with people going through dementia, but damn, it is so frustrating! I tried to
contain myself and my anger, but I couldnt stop thinking about how when I go to prison I
wont be here for her. Who will care for her then? Not Bryce, he just moved to Kansas
from Minneapolis to get help from my dad, and is going through a divorce. He can barely
deal with himself, let alone a senile old woman who hates people, especially her kids.
I decided I needed a cigarette away from my relatives and walked out of the
bathroom and grabbed my smokes from the coffee table and the ice bucket from on top of
the fridge. Im going to get ice be right back.
Bode. Twirler called after me and I turned toward her. You okay?
Im fine, Ill be right back.
She cocked her head to the side like a question mark.
Im good, Twirler promise.
That must have reassured her, and she smiled and blew a kiss before closing the
door to the room.
I walked down the hall and to the exit. When I opened the door the cool air
washed over me in a rush. I inhaled it into my lungs in a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
I lit-up my smoke and leaned on the car. Life was getting out of control. I couldnt get a
straight line on my intentions or my direction. I felt like I was in the river, a bloated body
bobbing in the current being taken with no will of my own, just an invisible force keeping
me going down river, never up. I would bob up for a few minutes and then the current
would pull me back down and tangle me in a thicket of downed trees. Maybe my foot
would get caught under a stumpor maybe the bag over my head would catch on
something the tied hoop caught on a rock, or a submerged car, or a fence. I never

137
knew where the new peril would come from, but inevitably it came. Floating bodies
rarely have a destiny.
Hey! A voice came from behind me. I turned to see a middle-aged woman with
a big oversized coat wrapped around her. Arent you freezing? She asked.
Im okay Im used to the cold, I said.
You got a light, by chance?
Sure, here ya go. I handed her my lighter.
Non-smoking rooms suck.
Yeah, I dont mind it too much saves me money on smokes.
Thats an interesting way to look at it, she said.
I could see her trying to get a closer look at me out of the corner of my eye as I
tried to get one on her. I dont trust too many people and dont normally care for
strangers. I just dont got no use for them. She was a pretty lady, but she looked plenty
tired. Deep circles ringed her eyes and she had the look of someone who is old, but she
talked like she was young.
Are you just passing through Wisconsin? I asked.
No, I live here with my boyfriend, she responded. He has a job with the cell
phone company putting in a tower, so his company puts us up here until the jobs done,
and then were off to the next job. But its all in Wisconsin.
Oh, uh huh, that sounds like a pretty good gig.
Well, I guess if you like to travel. I get bored in the room all day by myself
while hes at work. But I just want to be near him. I guess thats what I get for not having
a life of my own. She laughed awkwardly. It sounds like someones really having a

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party in there. She nodded at our room window. Laughter came through the cracked
window.
Oh yeah, well my relatives are pretty loud people.
Thats you?
Yeah, just a reunion of sorts.
Cool. It sounds like your family gets along okaymine is all tore up.
All families fall apart at one time or another. I rubbed my hand on my pants to
get rid of the sweat collecting there.
You mind if I smoke.
I thought thats what were doing here.
Oh, haha, no, I mean weed. Do you mind if I light a blunt? she asked.
Sure, go ahead.
She opened up her cigarette pack and pulled out a joint that looked like a cigar.
Damn, you dont fool around do ya? Thats one of the biggest joints Ive ever
seen, I commented.
Oh this? Yeah, it will get me through tonight. I need it to come down. Ya know
so I can sleep. She handed me the blunt and I shook my hand out like I was passing at an
extra card in twenty-one.
I get too tired to smoke when Ive been drinking all day.
She inhaled and held for a minute then expelled the smoke. You need an upper? I
got something thatll keep ya goingif you know what I mean.
Really? Hmmmm I might consider that, I said.
Youre not a cop, right?

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Oh no, far from it.
I thought you looked like you were cool, but you can never be too careful.
Just so you know for future referenceI dont think that whole thing about a cop
having to tell you they are one, if you ask, is true.
Really? Huh, I swear I heard that somewhere, she said.
Probably a movie. Cmon, you think a cop has to tell the truth? I dont think so.
Why even go undercover thenall the perp would have to do is ask You a cop? It
kinda defeats the purpose.
Yeah, I guess youre rightshit.
Im Bode by the wayand Im genuinely not a cop. Besides you asked meso
are you a cop?
Gingerand no. Im a degenerate, remember. I aint got a life. She laughed. I
noticed missing teeth from her smile.
This was probably the reason I thought she looked old. Damn, probably a
tweaker. I had been clean for over ten years, but suddenly the taste came back to my
mouth. It tasted like horsey sauce from Arbys to me, although other people would laugh
at this description. I always considered myself lucky to get away from meth untouched by
it. No wrinkles, no broken teeth, and most importantly no heart problems. When I was
doing it, I began by snorting small amounts here and there. I actually hated it at first.
Snorting it hurt your nose so bad that it would sometimes bleed or Id end up with a
really bad sinus infection. But this was only a part of the problem. Meth makes you wide
awake, and unlike good cocaine, you dont need to do a shit-ton to stay awake. This fact
is what makes it cheaper than cocaine. I could take three medium sized lines of Meth and

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be up for 24 hours. It would take an eight-ball of cocaine to stay up this long. To give you
an idea of quantity, its a 1/4 gram of Meth or $20, to 3 grams of cocaine or $250.
The side effects, however, are another issue. Both drugs can cause death, and the
fact that you never really know how much, is too much, is a problem. Meth causes
paranoia and hallucinations that are brought on by lack of sleep. My friends at the time
were scared to death of me. This one time after being awake for three straight days I
thought a squirrel was in my bedroom because I felt something crawl up and sniff me
while lying in bed. I called a friend who lived a few blocks from me and was doing it
with me, and she sent her husband over to check out the house. He ended up putting
powder all around my bed to check for tracks. That next morning, what a surprise, no
tracks in the powder. I can laugh at it now, but manthat was weird shit. Cocaine
doesnt do these things, although I did have a friend in high school overdose and die from
cocaine. Her boyfriend was a huge dealer and a group of their friends were all together
doing it and she must have went in the other room and just died. No-one realized it until
she was blue and cold. With meth however, I did find a way to bypass the nasty side
effects, smoke it. When Id smoke meth I could eat, I could sleep, and the shadow people
stayed at bay. But I would smoke an eight-ball of it a day. Basically as much cocaine as it
would take to stay up 24 hours. I was trying to kill myself with it, and more than once I
almost succeeded. It would come first as a sharp shoulder and neck painthen it would
be the chest. I would put ice on my chest and pray that I would either pass out or die.
Another reason that meth is bad is the addiction statistics. Meth is more addictive than
heroin, and with my background I was very lucky to walk away and stay awayand now
a woman was in front of me and offering it. I was vulnerable. I know that Twirler hated

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meth more than insurance, and thats saying something. However, if it was cocaine I
could probably talk Twirler into doing some. After all, I quit doing that because she liked
it too much, and it scared me. We couldnt afford to be addicted to coke, plain and
simple.
So what dya got? Any blow?
I do have some pure rock.
Pure?
Yep, its all pure rock. Clear, she said.
Clear? Ive never seen rock thats clear before, is it any good?
Hell yeah! Its primo and I will even give you a good deal because I think youre
good people. Ill give you a teener for $75, thats half price.
Can I look at it? I asked. Adrenaline began to pump through my veins.
Sure can we get in a car or something?
Yeah, Ill have to go inside and get my money and the keys is that okay?
Hey, no problem. Ill go get my shit and meet ya back here in five, she said.
Excellent. I turned and walked back into the hotel.
How in the hell do I get this past Twirler? I needed my head backsome clarity.
Coke always helped me see my possibilities, cleared my head, and it was funand who
dont like fun?

When I entered the room I was assaulted with comments:

Damn, what took ya so long?
Did you bury a body? Hell, make that two.

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My head jerked up and I looked toward the comment maker. It was Kelle, and she
smiled wide. I looked to Twirler as more comments flew by me.
You okay?
Damn you guysI only smoked a cigarette, I said.
And a bong
A cigar.
A cigarillo.
And a pipe.
Wild laughter filled the room.
Funny funny. Okay, how many beers are left? I asked. You guys mustve
had a case in the time it took me to smoke.
We are running a little short, Twirler replied.
Well, I better go get some before the stores close at 11:00. Im just gonna grab
my purse anybody need anything else?
I can go, Shrader offered.
No, hell, its okay, Twirler can come with.
Do I have to? Twirler complained.
Id like to talk to you for a minute if you dont mind.
Her face suddenly was somber. She stood up and took a last swig off of her beer.
Well be alrightwe wont drink all the beer, but you better hurry up, Kelle
said. You need some money for beer? Or let me rephrase thatheres ten to contribute
toward beer. She held out a ten and I grabbed it from her.

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Soon everyone with the exception of Duwayne was giving me money. I took it
and put it in my purse. I was never one to turn away people wanting to pay for drinks. I
never understood the whole buying rounds thing at the bar; I always got burned doing
that. Everybody else would be drinking mixed drinks and I drank the cheapest beer out
there. So when people would say I got this round. I would let them, and then I would
order my beer separately for the next round. I didnt give a damn how it looked. If youre
buying me a beer than buy me a beer. Dont expect your next two free. Its like some
damn rebate program where I always get screwed.
Twirler and I walked into the hallway and I stopped her. I gotta talk to you. So
dont get mad.
Oh God, Im not liking this already What is it?
Well, I met someone in the parking lotshes real cool, dont worry. But she
told me she had some killer coke. I looked at Twirler and saw some intrigue in her eye, a
raised eyebrow.
Yeah? You think we should? I mean Im game, but can we afford it? Twirler
asked.
Thats the best part shes giving me a deal. Half price.
Uh um, are you sure shes trustworthy shes not going to rip us off is she?
Shed be a fool to attempt it. No, no, shes alright. Were just going to get in the
car and do it, okay?
You want me to wait to come out there? Or or What do I do? Should I wait
outside, or should I wait in the laundry room?

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First off, I want you to calm down damn you really are inexperienced with
drugs arent you? I whispered.
Sorry, but reallywhat should I do?
Just come with me, but for Gods sake dont act all weird, I said.
Okay. She rang her hands together.
Can you handle thisor do you just want me to go?
Well, um, could you come back and get meIm nervous and you know how I
get nervous flatulence.
Oh my God, I laughed. Okay Twirler, I will go on my own and then come
back into the laundry room and get you. And then well go get beer and do a couple lines.
Is that alright?
Thank youI would just feel so much better. Youre not mad are you?
Hell no. Ill be right back, I said. Oh, you got any cash? I need $40, just until I
get to the gas station.
She reached in her purse and pulled out the cash and handed it to me. Do we
need a code if shit goes wrong for you? Like laying on the horn?
Yep, thats a plan. Ill be right back, I said.
I went out to the car and Ginger was waiting. This green ones mine.
I unlocked the doors and we got in. She quickly brought a small bag out of her
coat pocket. Hows that look? It was a bunch of crystal looking rocks with no powder
at all.
Can I do a numb-er?

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I wouldnt recommend ittheres nothing but roc how you gonna get it on
your gums? Eat a rock? She smiled.
Well, how do I know its good?
Go ahead and do some after I leavewe arent going anywherewere in room
214, she answered.
And just like that I was back into drugs.
Ginger and I said our goodbyes and I went back to the laundry room and grabbed
Twirler. Then she and I drove across the street to get beer. I had Twirler go in and get the
beer and I stayed outside in the car and began to cut the coke into lines. This was harder
than expected because of the rocks. Pretty soon I had to use a piece of paper to lie down
on top of it and then the side of a razor to smash it to make it fine enough to snort. It
probably would have been easier to smoke cept I never smoked cocaine before, and it
scared me because of Richard Pryor damn near blowing himself up from smoking it.
Twirler came back with two more cases of beer, and by that time I had the rock
crushed and split into lines on a cd jewel case.
Hold this til we get back to the hotel parking lottheres surveillance cameras
out here.
I drove the car across the street with anticipation. Now maybe I could get my path
rightget back to what God wanted me to do all alongtake care of business with the
abusers. I needed empowerment because I was getting softI felt it in my soul. I was
losing my purpose. I remembered that I still needed to deal with Douger, and he wouldnt
be an easy situation to deal with. I still carried my knife, but its edge didnt carry the
same sharpness it did the day I bought it. It was an edge that could only be sharpened in

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my mind. I needed its teeth to be like the razor that cut my coke, cold, hard, and
unbendable. Willing to penetrate the skin of my life like an orange peel and tear away all
that unbearable pain that lived within me. All that shit that surfaced when I crossed the
line of justice. Hell, I never got justice, so why should that pig R.J.? Until I saw mine
he wasnt getting his. I felt my resolve strengthening with the thought of taking back my
will. Ill numb my ass out for tonightbut tomorrow I will rise with a vengeance given
to me from the lord. Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Lev.19:18.

Son of a bitch! Twirler exclaimed. She held the side of her nose and tears came
to her eyes. Oh fuck, that hurts!
Are you kidding me? I felt the blood in my veins grow cold.
Oh my God, no. It burns so fucking bad! Damn!
Is it feeling numb?
No, shit I wish it wasdamn Bode this hurts so bad!
Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!
What? You think its crap? Her face turned up to me with her mouth hanging
open like a child learning the truth about Santathe real truth.
I dont knowI better quick do one though, we got to get back into the room
before they get nosey. I snorted a line in one nostril and quickly did a second in the
other nostril. Oh shit! It burned into my soul and out through my eye. What the hell?
Tears fell from my eyes involuntary, but the pain was worth more than one.
Wow Bodeits badthe burn is bad. What is it?

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Crap Twirler, I dont think youre gonna like what I think this isI swear I
didnt know but I think its crystal.
What? What the hell is that?
Crystal? Crystal meth?
Oh no! Son-of-a-bitch! Are you kidding me? She began to rub her nostril, like
she was reaming it out.
Twirler, it aint coming out like that. Im sorry. I should go find those assholes!
Suddenly I was pumped! I felt like I could have run a marathon, and in my
opinion finding those bastards that ripped us off wouldnt be a problemI was up to the
task. Twirler, will you grab the beer and take it inside? Ill be right behind you after I get
our money back.
Uhare you sure thats a good idea?
Hell yeah, Im getting whats oursI didnt want no crystal meth! Fuck that
shit!
Yeah, but are you sure its safe? I mean well theyre druggies.
I got this. Dont you worry. Get in there noware you okay to face my family? I
mean youre not gonna freak from this stuff are you?
No, Im feeling okayjust very awake, she responded.
AlrightIm right behind you. Give me tenif I dont come after that, theyre
in room 214. Okay?
Alrightif youre sure. She held a look on me.
Go on now. I waited for her to open the door to the car. I love you.
Love you, too.

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After I was sure she was in the hotel I reached into my middle console and pulled
out my knife. Fuck this shit! They aint gettin one over on me! I coolly walked up the
outside stairs to the second floor. I entered the hallway and walked until I came to their
room. I stood there and listened. I heard talking from inside. I knocked softly and waited.
My nerves were calm. I only wanted what was mine.
Who is it? A voice came from behind the door. I reached in my coat pocket and
felt the reassurance of my blade.
Bode. I tried to sound calm, but adrenaline was beginning to kick in. I felt my
blood pumping in my ears, my head, my chest. I heard Ginger messing with the locks on
the door and I heard her say, I dont knowmaybe she just wants to party.
The door opened. Hi, whats up? Ginger asked.
I pushed into the door and took her with me, putting my hand over her mouth at
the same time lifting the knife to her throat. Stay cool, Cowboy, I directed to her
boyfriend. I shut the door with my leg. Just so Im real clear to you fucksticks, I dont
appreciate getting taken. And you assholes took me. I dont do meth. You advertised
coke and gave me crystal meth. I need a refundand I need it now!
Her boyfriend had been lying on the bed, a beer next to him on the bedside table.
Look, he said. He came forward from his lying position on the bed. His hair looked like
he had been working all day under a hardhat, oily, mussed, and flat. He had a scrawny
physique, but his six-pack abs showed on his shirtless body. His eyes were big and black,
but he had dark circles around them like hed been overworked and underpaid most of his
life. His hand was out in front of him as if he could calm me with it, or keep me from
slitting Gingers throat with the gesture alone. I dont know what she told youbut we

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dont have any coke. He glared at his girl. I will gladly give you your money back, just
give me the bag backI dont do bad dealsreally.
Well, look here Mister. That aint the way this is going downyou will give me
$75 and I will leave. Im not giving the bag back because my girl threw it out the fuckin
window once she realized what the hell it wasso right nowyou get the money, and
Ginger here can live. I felt my blood surging, and Cowboy was looking frightened like
hed never had to deal with this side of dealing before. Thankfully, I was a veteran.
Okay, okay, just let me get it out of my wallet. He began to reach in his back
pocket.
Wait! Slowly, Cowboy, slowly, or her throat gets it. I pulled her up tight to me
and dug the knife closer. His hands shook as he dug into his wallet and pulled out a
hundred dollar bill.
Herejust take thisthe whole thing. Im real sorry about this. Please just let us
be we wont say nothing bout this to no one. Ginger doesnt know how to dealIm
sorryreally. He looked pleadingly at me and held out the bill.
I grabbed it from his shaking hand and pushed her forward. Dont fuck with
people, Ginger. Number one rule. Otherwise you end up dealing with situations like this.
Goodbye. I backed out the door and shut it. Then I turned and ran down the hall and out
the door to the stairwell. My blood was running in my veins, and I could finally feel it. I
was alive, and elated. I got the money and the meth. Twirler wouldnt know that I still
had the meth. We actually made $25 and I was sure that these newbies to dealing were
way too scared to fuck with me again. I was back on top. Tomorrow I deal with J.J., and
the next day Douger would be put on trial in Gods court via me.

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Tonight I needed to get back in and have some fun with my cousins before they
started getting suspicious. I ran down the hallway until I was in front of our door. Then I
paused and stood for a moment reveling in my victory, took a deep breath, and plastered
a smile on my face. I turned the handle and walked in.
Hello Lovelies! I said.
Hey Bea. Grab me a beer would you. Shraders face was red from laughing.
I reached in the fridge and pulled out three beers. Who else needs one?
Twirler put up her hand, and I handed a beer to Shrader and sat down next to
Twirler on the couch, giving her the beer and a smile of triumph. Denise looked happy,
too, sitting on the bed with her back against the wall.
Damn Denise, I must say its pretty damn awesome to see you so happy.
I havent had this much fun in yearswith such a fun family how did J.J. end up
like such a douche-bag? She laughed.
Well, you know he was raised with religious fanatics, Shrader said.
Yeah, my dad wouldnt even pray before dinner let alone go to church on
Sunday. We all turned out alright, and well adjustedbut just look at Lorraines family,
Kelle interjected.
Now, wait a minute here. I got two sides of a family. My dad goes to church
every day of the week and my mom dont go at all. One of us died young, I was always in
trouble, and Bryce is an absentee family member. Hmmm, yep, sounds about right.
Everybody laughed.
Damn, Bode that really isnt anything to be laughing about. Twirler looked like
she was gonna cry.

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I reached over and rubbed on her hand. Its alright. Dont get so emotional.
Thats just how we communicate, right guys?
Yeah, my husband used to freak out at us until he had been to a few family
gatherings. Now he understands and laughs with the rest of us. Kelle smiled at Twirler.
Kelles phone rang and she pulled it out of her purse and looked at the number.
Trolls, she said. She stood up. Hello. She answered the phone and walked over next
to the bathroom to talk in privacy.
We were all chatting about different subjects, and thats when I overheard Kelles
conversation with her child: Those kids dont need to be eating at our house! she
paused. I know, but their parents have food stampsif anything, you should both go
over to their house and eat steak! Im already paying for the food in their house Ill be
damned if theyre going to get a two for one from me!
What was she saying? I stood up, looking toward the corner where she was
standing, clenching and unclenching my fists.
BodeBode! Twirler was pulling on the back of my shirt. Whats wrong?
Goddam it Twirlerlet me be! I turned on her. I was still trying to figure out if
I heard right. Did Kelle say that some kids werent allowed to eat at her house because
the parents were on food stamps? Did I really just hear that? I was staring at Kelle, and
she was still oblivious to my rage boiling up as she told one of her kids that her word was
final. Now go to their house, or go to bed. Ill be home later. Let me talk to your dad.
She spoke some more on the phone to her poor battered husband, verbally assaulting him
about the childrens care. I told you those stray dogs werent allowed in the house, and
yet your dumbass allows them over there and in our kitchen too? she railed at him. I

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cant leave for two hours and youre upsetting all the rules I made in ten years. Get it
together and grow a pair I tell them no and you better learn the word as well! She
took the phone from her ear and hung up. Dumbass! Finally she looked up and saw my
eyes burning through her. What the hell is up your ass?
Im just trying to understand what I just heard come from your mouth who
the fuck are you, I snarled. People dont go on food stamps to pull one over on you, I
said. Its because theyre hungry and need a leg up to feed their family. You dont pay it
the State does. And rarely do people on food stamps buy steakunless theyre stupid
fuckin people on food stamps. Or find an incredible deal on steak. I suppose poor people
should just eat shit?
My taxes pay for that shit. Why are you getting so upset about it anyway, you
dont even pay taxes, do you?
Twirler reached up and grabbed the belt loop on the back of my black jeans
knowing, I suspect, I was getting ready to lunge. And then everyone was on their feet.
Dont pay taxes? I asked. My voice grew louder with every sentence I spoke. I pay
taxes every time I buy something in your damn state I pay taxes just like anybody else
and you know what? I pay tax for your Goddamn kids to go to school and I dont even
have kids! Thats how our country runseverybody pays for the good of all, you stupid
fuckin bitch! I was moving forward, and Twirler was pulling me back. Shrader
suddenly blocked the path in between Kelle and I, and she put her hand out. The irony of
its symbol wasnt lost on me.

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Just calm down nowthis whole topic isnt a good thing among family,
Shrader said. We all have our own set of beliefs, and isnt any one of us going to win on
this one.
Ive been poorhell, Im considered lower than poverty level right now because
Im a student. Ive lived on assistance because I had to. I got a whole $90 a month for
food stamps
thats rightfor a month! But I suppose I just shouldve starvedor lived under a
fuckin bridge? I never thought Id hear a member of my family be all for taking food
outta the mouth of the hungryespecially children. I lowered my head in defeat. The
adrenaline left me. You all better gofuck it.
Gladly, Kelle replied. Ill just grab my things.
I walked over to the bed and sat next to Denise. She put her hand on my arm and
tried to soothe me with light rubs on it. Its alright, she said.
Twirler was nervous as a cat on a blowing tree limb, and she muttered little Im
sorrys, as the three of them filed out of the room, and out of my life.
Sayo-fuckin-nara, I said. The door to the hotel room shut behind them.

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Ch. 10
Twirler
How could I have known that things were coming to a boil? Looking back one
can see these signs, but when youre immersed in the craziness it just doesnt seem as
crazy. Youre in it. I know I had done wrong, just like Bode. Im not saying Im without
blame. All Im saying is she was becoming someone I didnt recognize from a week
earlier. She was angry and sullen, weak and powerful, wide awake and tired, all of these
in any given time of a day. And that quickly, she would change, too. I was scared that she
was losing her grip on reality. And when she finally wentwhere did that leave me? I
still loved Bode deeplythe old Bodethe one that I had met at the bar in Omaha and
lived the last five years of my life with. But this new Bode scared the hell out of me.
So youre saying that after the hotel in Oconomowoc was when you really
started to see the change in her? The man wrote on a piece of paper in front of him. He
looked up at me and paused his pen on the pad.
Well, no, the main change came after seeing Douger the first time. Thats when I
started to see it, I responded.
But no change in her after the homicide. He scratched his head and looked at
me again like something was wrong.
No, I didnt say that we both changed when that happened. Of course she was
sadhell, she wanted to die. Im saying the anger didnt show up until Douger. Dont put
words in my mouth. I know how you all try to trick people into saying things that arent
rightor should I say they dont reflect the truth. Please dont do that to meBodes life
depends on the truth and thats what Im telling.

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Alright now, dont come unglued on me. Im just trying to get to the bottom of it
so I can do justice by Beatriceand you, too. I represent both of you. He looked back
down and then to his tape recorder.
He had a friendly enough look to him, and he was middle-aged so I knew he had
some experience to the law. His hair was black with white peppered in throughout and
cut short, except for one area in the back that was ponytailed. He wore a gray suit with a
light purple shirt with a darker gray tie. He looked sharp, but tired. Occasionally his
ponytail it came out of his suit jacket. He had the kindest blue eyes. I looked at his nails
and noticed they were trimmed short and were clean. Thank God.
Whats going to happen to Denise? She didnt have anything to do with any of
this.
She has a hearing tomorrow. Im confident she will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
When is my hearing?
Well, well get done with the interview and Ill decide a plea. Probably try to
make a deal with the prosecution they must know it was a justifiable homicide. The
thing Im worried about is you two runningit doesnt help your case. It will look like
you were guilty about somethingand then theres the fact you sent the body floating
down the river that isnt in your favor either. He sighed. But I think your story is
compelling and you both are telling the same storyso they may go easy on you. Thank
God you saved the sweat pants. The DNA should tell what happened there, and this R.J.
character could have a record. They went up there and already found his trapping stuff,

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and his trailer. Im hopeful theyll find more, but lets not get ahead of ourselves. Tell me
what happened after the cousins left.

They left in a huff and Bode was even madder. I went to her and tried to calm her
down. She had tears on a red faceanger and sadness mixed together. We all three went
down in the parking lot to smoke.
How could my own family stab my insides like that? Bode seemed to be talking
to herself more than to Denise and I. We agreed in varying degrees.
I dont think Kelle knew that you had been on assistance before, Denise
commented.
I shook my head. She didnt know she was being ignorant, Bode. Some people
believe things simply because their parents dideither that or she buys into the political
argument that tries to turn poor people against their own. Hell, you know how money
buys those stinking commercials that tell people these things, I paused to light a
cigarette.
Yeah, those damn Cock brothers pay for every stupid and ignorant commercial
out there. Bode said.
Politicians count on us turning on each other. Divided we fall. Yep, divide and
conquer. We are being indoctrinated. You know thisso why couldnt your cousin be a
victim of these bullshit lies that are shoved down our throats by liars and thieves. Stealing
our country right from underneath us.
Bode leaned against the car and looked contemplative about the situation. By this
time we had all consumed a lot of beer and Denise started swaying in the breeze and had

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to put her hand against the car to steady herself. Although, I knew she would feel her
drunk worse than Bode and I because she didnt have any of the crystal that we had
taken. I was wide awake and not even feeling the alcohol. Do you need to hit the sack?
I asked.
Im somewhat of a light weight when it comes to drinkingobviously I dont
have the tolerance of you girls, she seemed embarrassed. You wouldnt mind, would
you?
Hell no, you go to bed and we will do our best not to disturb you.
Oh yeah, Denise. Im sorry if we have been too caught up in other shit to be
good hostesses. I plan on going to talk to J.J. in church tomorrow. Did you want to go
with, or do you even know what you are going to do about well, you know this
situation with him?
Ill go with I need to see my baby. I guess it all depends on how he reacts to
you on whether or not I leave. I cant live a lie anymore. He needs to understand that. If
he doesnt deal with his family issues then I cant deal with him. Hes a monster lately
Im not going back to that, she began to cry.
Bode went over to her and put an arm around her shoulder. Itll be alright
Denise. You got folks that care about you. It dont matter what he does or doesnt do
because youll always have us as family. Well make sure you and your girl will have
somewhere to gothats a promise. Right Twirler? She looked over at me.
Yep, as long as we have a home, you will too. I thought about our predicament
and looked sideways at Bode and wondered if she realized that we might not have a home
for long. It seemed to me that she was just cruising along making promises one right after

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another, with no thought as to how to keep them. First, a promise about talking to her
uncle, then her cousin, and now his wife. Was she Wonder Women suddenly? I couldnt
figure out her new disposition toward her family. She could barely keep up with her
mothers demands on her. It was like she was bound and determined to fix everyone, but
she was more broke then any of them.
Aw, thanks you two. You have been so good to me. We have to stick together.
But now now, Im going to bed before I fall down. She stumbled away from us and
into the hotel.
I waited until she was safely away and asked Bode about the meth. I take it you
got them to refund the money alright?
Bode smiled. Yep, no problem seems like he didnt know she was selling it.
He was real sorry. You feelin okay?
Sure, I just dont think Ill be sleeping anytime soon.
Lets go to the casino you wanna? She looked excited now.
Holy shit Bode, are you going to go back to all your addictions in one night? I
couldnt believe she wanted to go gamble after all she went through with it before she
met me. When she was in Omaha she would take her paychecks and go down to the river
casinos and sometimes she would lose the whole thing in less than one hour. She couldnt
stop until it was gone. One particular time she did lose her whole car payment, $323. So
she knew she could never come up with that money any way but to try gambling some
more. She wrote out a check for $100 at the casino. Now she was in way over her head.
She sat down at a quarter-machine and the strangest thing happened; the machine started
kicking quarters out when there wasnt a win on the dials. Just random spins would give

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her tons of quarters. Now she started getting scared and wondering if the casino police
could take her winnings away. The guy sitting next to her was watching and commenting
on how the machine was a run away. He told her thats what theyre called when they
win for no reason. Well, all this attention got Bode real scared, so she decided to collect
her two cups full of quarters and leave the machine to the guy next to her. She went to the
cashier and had it counted into cash. She had exactly $423. Amazing! She told me she
was scared all the way to the bridge crossing back to Omaha. She quit gambling that day.
I guess it scared her pretty bad to almost lose her car, and she figured God was telling her
something putting her on a runaway machine that gave her exactly the amount of money
she needed. And now, after being free of it for seven years, she wanted to gamble.
Its not like theres anything else that we could do all night. We cant just sit in
the hotel room. Wed go nuts from boredom, she said. I know theres one just about
twenty minutes from here off the interstate.
Really? Do you think we have the money for that? I asked.
I got the money back from the Meth that was one hundred dollars. That could
be our budget.
Alright thenif you promise not to spend any more than that. Promise? I was
scared but I figured we deserved some fun

Are you sure you want all of these small details? I feel like Im beating a dead
horse?

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Yes, the details are important, I assure you. I might find the key to your defense
in these things that you consider mindless details.
Well, alright then if you insist. Like I said, we decided to go to the casino. We
went into the hotel and quick told Denise where we were going just in case we didnt
come back.
Wait a minute why did you think you might not return? Rick interrupted.
Mr. Rick, I know this might be hard to comprehend since youre a man but
I had just been in a situation where a man had tried to rape me, and it really messed up
my world. I might not have been a careful person before the attack but I remedied my
thinking after it. Bode always told me that women have to live a careful life. She was
always telling me that I was too trusting of men. You know nave. She enforced in my
thinking that we always have to be on the watch for predators, or for people who take
advantage of us. Havent you heard? We are the weaker sex. I smiled for a moment, but
looking at Ricks face I realized that most men might not understand that he looked
stunned. You okay you dont look too good.
Ihell, Im great actually. He smiled. Not that Im happy about you having to
live that way but I think I might have just stumbled across our defense. He looked up
from his paper and genuinely smiled this time. Now I know what to concentrate on
while you talk please carry on. It all means something now.
After checking in with Denise, we got on the interstate and followed the
billboards that said Live Gaming every few hundred feet. We talked a lot about which
machines we were going to look for to play on. We played our favorite songs and sung
along. Small stuff like that. I didnt want to get too heavy into conversation because the

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way I felt about it we still hadnt had the fun we were after yet. Our whole trip had
been dealing with one crisis after another and lets face it, Bode and I knew our free
days were coming to an end at least for a little while. So I think we both decided to
say fuck it and have some fun. That was my feeling anyway. Twenty minutes flew by and
soon we were taking the exit and driving towards flashing lights and a big beautiful
building with a huge parking lot. Thats how you know if theyre a good establishment
how much company are they expecting and how much company they actually have.
Anyway the parking lot was pretty full for 1am on a Saturday night. . .

Twirler, I have to pee like nobodys business, Bode announced. We entered the
flashing, and binging noise of the Casino.
I always get such an adrenaline rush walking into a Casino, and I could tell by the
look on Bodes face that she felt it too. So much going onlights flashing on top of
machinespeople yelling like crazy when they hit it bigand machines making every
sound known to man to draw you in. Both Bode and I wanted to get on a machine that
had a big spinner on top, in addition to the lower level spin. It would say Look up when
you won the bonus spin, and then when you heard that, your heart would go right in your
throat because you knew you were about to win a shit ton. I looked to the right and saw
signs for the restroom. Cmon. I motioned for Bode to follow me.
Thank God, I thought I might split in two.
Bode ran into the back stall. When I finished, I washed my hands and went out in
the hallway. I figured Bode was already out. I thought it was odd when she wasnt done
yet, so I was anxious thinking maybe she took off into the Casino part without me. I

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wandered out into the bright lights and noise searching machines and faces, looking for
Bode. Finally, after what seemed like forever she came up alongside me.
What the hell, she exclaimed.
What? Damn, where did you go?
I was looking for you. Dont wander off Twirler, she said. She looked irritated
and euphoric at the same time. Alright, lookjust keep your phone out and turned on in
case we get split up. You have a charge?
Yeah, I answered. But how about we dont go separate wayshow about
that?
Okaylets find our machines. Bode began to walk out into the gaming part. I
kept close to her, not wanting to get separated again. She began running into people as
she moved through the casino.
Bode, I grabbed her arm.
What! She turned on me and her face was red.
What the hell, I stepped back. Whats wrong with youyoure ramming
people youre being rude. I looked into her eyes and noticed her pupils were huge.
Twirler, you know how I get in crowds.
I got down next to her shoulder and remarked under my breath, Did you do more
of that shit? I thought you got rid of itplease, tell me you got rid of it.
I didlay off will ya? Youre gonna make me paranoid. I think I got a second
wave from drainage.
She kept walking and I quickly stepped in behind her. After bringing it to her
attention however, she quit ramming people like a Brahma Bull, so I felt a little better. I

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spotted our machines against a far wall and grabbed Bodes arm again. She threw her arm
up and put a foot forward, crouching. I stepped backagain.
Daaaamn! I said. What are you doing?
I told yaIm all anxious in the crowd. Hell, Im sorry Twirler. I just get all
hyped up from the sound. She looked at me and put her hand on my arm. Sorry.
Friends again?
Yesbut knock it off! Seriously! Just remember that its me back hereGod
that look. Im sure you dont even know youre wearing it, but damn!
Okay, okay, Im back were fine. Whatd you want?
I pointed to the back wall, and her eyes grew large as she caught sight of the
upper spinner on the slot machines. We found some urgency to our steps as we hurried to
our destination. I found a way to get ahead of Bode and managed to maneuver through
the crowd to have perfect timingsomeone stood up from the machine just as I was
approaching it. I slid in with perfect precision and smiled up at Bode. She looked across
the line of 6 machines all in a row and looked back at methey were all full.
Ha! Well I could give you mine, I smiled. But Im not going to.
I turned around and pulled a twenty out of my pocket and stuck it in the dollar bill
slot. Lights blinked and decisions needed to be made. I chose the most lines you could
play with a five credit option. You could bet up to 10 credits, but I always play it smart
when it came to money. I never liked to lose, so if I put twenty in and came up with
nothing I was gone, moved to another machine. Losing twenty was a lot in my world,
but Bode on the other handwell she played big money when it came to gambling. I
always thought it was weird because money just didnt have the appeal to her in physical

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terms. I was always the one that was in love with thingswanting thingsBode never
was. So I thought it was strange how she gambledexcept it was Bode, so naturally
some things had to contradict each other. She stood there and watched me hit the buttons
repeat bet over and over again. And then it happened, look up, and we both
freaked a little. I turned around and we both slapped on each other a little. We were like
oh my God and its here, its here. Weird stuff you say when you dont really pay
attention to what youre saying. I know the adrenaline was pumping through my veins as
I watched the upper dial spin and held my breath. The credits spun by on the dial 300
1001,000 and then began to slow 200 50 and it stopped on 500! Five
hundred credits!
Holy shit! Bode said.
Im done. I quickly hit the refund button and watched the ticket print out.
Seriously? Bode asked.
It hitIm done.
Oh hell no, Bode responded. Get out the way this bitch is winning it has
more left in it. She sat down and pulled out a twenty from her jeans and slid it into the
money pit. She hit the repeat bet button over and over again. Shed hit little wins here
and there, but everything seemed eschewed, not lined up for a win. Bode ran out of her
twenty and quickly pulled another out and inserted it into the mouth, blinking, expecting
more. In two minutes that was gone.
Bode, it hit are you sure you want to keep putting money in? It might be
played out.

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Yeah, ormaybe its not. She pulled another twenty out of her pocket. Sweat
gleamed on her forehead as she stood up and dug the crumpled bills out of her jeans. At
first the machine wouldnt accept her twenty, but she straightened it on the side of the
money slot, smoothing out wrinkles and blemishes that might cause its rejection. She
tried putting it in one wayJackson facing herand then the other, Jackson facing the
slot.
What are you trying to accomplish? We already won $125 were ahead I
dont get it.
Yeah, but I still have money and hell, Twirler you won it. I want to hit it
well, something. Just let me play this next twenty.
Finally the machine accepted the money and she began pushing buttons.
I stood next to her and watched and silently wished for her sake. She began
looking like failure. It might seem odd, but its the only way to describe it in terms I
could understand. Her shoulders sagged, her smile disappeared, and a frown graced her
eyebrows. She hit the button quickly. Felt it tell her no with every push, imagined the
dials before they finished spinning, she knew. And so did Ibut nothing was stopping
her. She began to alter her timing alter her bet use the side pull-down bar to roll the
spin no win. Nothing. I watched her credits go down to zero and then watched her
hand go into her jeans and pull out another bill and stick it in the machine. What could I
say? I felt her painwe were connected. A fuck it came over meand I understood,
while she hit her repeating spins to a nonresponsive something that lurked in the
perimeter of her, it hung in the upper dials waiting to say look up, but hell, there was no

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looking up for us. It moved herand me too. It was bigger than either one of us because
we allowed it all our life. And now it told us to bend over.
Bode, give it up we won. Those bastards cant get one up on uswere still
ahead. Were still ahead. Cmon lets find something else to do.
She sat there looking at the machine. She put her lips together and moved her
mouth to the side of her face, then sighed and stood up. She gave one more glance to the
upper dial before she turned away from the machine and looked at me. Lets get the hell
outa here TwirlerIm done. Wanna go eat pie and drink coffee? She tilted her head
and smiled her sweet smile, and my Bode was back.

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Chapter 11
Bode
Twirler had no idea I was tweaking all night. I felt real bad but I just needed
clarity for the coming eventsand some balls. Meth gave me both. Sometimes, and I
mean as long as I didnt start doing an eight-ball a day, I felt I would be alright. However,
what I did the next day was not okay, and I can see that now.
When Twirler and I left the casino we just messed around in a Dennys for a
while that was right off the interstate on the way home. There were some men in their
sitting at a table by ours. At first I couldnt believe that these men were listening to our
conversation and commenting on it, but Twirler pointed it out to me and I became
irritated. There were three men sitting to the side of us in a booth. One of them looked
like a skinny little weasel with a sharp face, beady eyes and a messed up mouth. He had a
shabby mustache hanging off his torn up face. Im sorry, but its really the only way to
describe this man, tore up. His friend in the middle had red hair with a big beard and a
camouflage hat pulled down over his hair in the front, but the back of his hair was long
past his collar. He wore a hooded sweat shirt and didnt look as grimy as the other two,
maybe like he could have been the sane brother in that failing family tree. The last
mongrel looked almost a twin to the first guy except he had dark black and greasy hair
that hung in clumps, and the first ones was turning gray.
So all a sudden I hear snickering from them and when I look theyre all smiling
sideways and looking at us. Can I help you with something? I say all irritated like.
Haha, the weasel laughed. I could think of a few ways.
You arent seriously talking to us, are you? I scowled.

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Leave em alone Darentheyre just trying to eat their meal. I apologize,
maam. The redheaded man said.
I looked at Twirler. She shrugged uncomfortably. I decided to forget the incident
and keep on with our laughing and goofing around. The waitress came over and gave us
refills on our coffee and asked if we wanted anything else. I responded that we were fine
and thank you, and then I heard more snickering next door. The waitress rolled her eyes
at us and I noticed that this time they were lurking at her.
You guys want a cap in the mouth? I was done with their cave man behavior.
Were ya raised by a pack of wolves? Seriously guys, figure out how to treat a lady.
If n there was any in here, I might know how ta act, Gray beard commented.
He took a drink of his coffee and looked up at me over his cup like he was challenging
me.
My face turned red, and Twirler went into panic mode. Under her breath she said,
Bode just let them be. Theyre ignorant fools.
I knew they were ignorant fools, but the problem was they didnt know they
were ignorant fools. See, this was the thingI was through with being sexualized by
men, entirely through with it. I knew I was so much more than that, and Id be damned if
I was going to let them get away with treating us badly. I saw it all in my mindhow it
would all go down in a perfect world:
Maam, can I please have your coffee pot for a moment? Ill be real good with it.
I asked the waitress as I started coming out of the booth.
She smiled at me and set it on the table. Be careful sweetie, she winked. Its
real hot.

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I stood up and situated myself square in front of their table with the coffee pot in
my right hand.
Gray Beard wasnt going down without a little provocation. He knew I was
dangerous, I could tell. But he wanted to let me know that he also was dangerous. What
he probably underestimated was the fact that I had been fighting all my life against his
type, and I was no longer afraid because like it or not, I was going to draw first blood.
Youre a fuckin dyke arent ya lower than a nigger. He looked up from his
cup when he said his last word and his mini-me giggled maniacally.
Heres the thing Poppa Smurfsee, that kind of talk isnt an insult to me. In fact
its a compliment. I smiled my best smile for the birdie smile, and in one swift action I
raised the glass coffee pot and brought it back down on the table with as much rage as I
could bring out of my soul.
FUCK! The table shook, coffee spilled forth on the table and glass flew
outward. I kept my hand clamped around the handle and now held a sharp shard of
broken pot in my hand. I held it out as the men jumped out of the stall and cautiously
stood around me, coffee wet on their clothing, steaming as it set in. Blood was now
coming from spots in clothing but the men were to pumped up to notice.
I will fuck you up! I growled. I held the weapon out farther. The cook mustve
been summoned by the waitress and now came running behind me. I heard his footsteps
as he came around to my side. He didnt attempt to disarm me, so me and him were cool.
Twirler came out and stood on the other side, her face was angry and focused on the
collective picture of broken masculinity in front of me.

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I suggest you guys get the hell outta here. I called the police. He wiped his
hands on his apron as he spoke. He had a very muscular build compared to the weak
examples of men the trio before me exhibited.
The three held their glares at me. Bitch, I will fucking kill you if I see you
outside a here. Rat Face sneered.
Dont count on ityou can say what you will, but to say youll kill me? Well,
men stronger than your pathetic ass have claimed that beforeand lookie-hereIm still
here. I smiled like a child trying to get a sibling to bite. In my soul I wanted him dead.
He represented every nasty look, every nasty word, and every nasty deed ever done to me
by a man. I knew it would have been easy for me to snap his neck had I chose to in that
moment. Come at me mother fucker! All o yaIll take ya all! I felt the adrenaline
flowing through my veins and into my mind. There was no fear in me.
Were leaving, Gray Beard spat out. Spittle hung on his bottom lip, like a rabid
dog. Blood was becoming more visible in spots along the mens lap area and forearms.
Fuckin dyke, Red spat as he walked alongside the edge of the cook and toward
the door.
I watched them file out, feeling like I had won a battle, but by no means the war.
The cook looked at me with kind eyes.
Ya done, killer? He laughed.
Yeah, Im done, I laughed out of relief and set down my coffee pot turned
cutting tool. I sure am sorry about the messI plan on cleaning it up. I looked at the
waitress.

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Oh no, I got this, she stated. It was totally worth it seeing those assholes get
theirs. Youre my fucking hero, thats for sure. You know how many assholes like that I
get in a shift? Pshhh, she blew out. Itd blow your mind.
They began picking up the large chunks of glass, and me and Twirler helped.
You okay, I turned towards Twirler.
She nodded her head and hit my arm playfully. Damn womanyou scared me
pretty good. But Im with you on this one. Fucking jerks!
The cook said, You can hang out here for a while to be sure they dont come
back or maybe waiting along the road to hijack ya. I didnt really call the copsbut I will
if ya want me to.
Naw, I dont expect any more trouble from them. And hell, if they do start some
more shit, Im pretty sure I can handle it.
Looks like you caught some glass yourself, the waitress pointed to my shirt.
I looked down and saw specks of blood beginning to show through the black.
Shit, I said. I lifted my shirt and exposed my belly to show the small dots of wounds
spread around one concentrated area. I wonder if Ill be able to get the glass out.
You got any tape? Preferably duct? Twirler asked. She went into survival mode
instantly. I always said if there was an apocalyptic event I needed to be with Twirler. She
was like Survivor-Man cept a woman, or McGuyver was another nickname I loved to
use in moments like this.
The waitress went back behind the counter and came back with a roll of duct tape.
Like this? She asked.

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Yep, perfect. Dont touch it Bode. She advised as I prepared to poke a spot.
Now I need.uma towel of some kindbut, kind of softnot hard at all. She was
looking closely at my wounds now. Her face down by my stomach.
Can ya see anything?
Theres too much blood to see the little pieces, but I can see some bigger ones.
Just keep your hands off of it. She looked up at me scolding.
Alright, alright it kinda stings.
Im sure it does, she replied. Then she looked at me and mouthed, I love you.
My heart leapt like the first time I saw her in that moment. I smiled and mouthed
it back. I was so afraid she was gonna be mad at me over my anger, but her love assured
me that she understood. I was also afraid my actions was due to the drugs in my system,
but the more I thought about it, the more I knew it was a change in my way of thinking
since the killin that caused it; I would no longer be a victim. God had saved me, and God
had given me a mission with the save. Be the change. And I was strong enough to do it,
and not lose sight of His plan for me. I was gaining insight. I could feel it. Soon I would
deal with my biggest feat, Douger. I couldnt let things like children get in the way. I was
a child when he took advantage of me. He took my childhood, why shouldnt a member
of his blood suffer like me? But right after I thought it, I knew it was wrong and I took it
back. I cant be perpetuating violence towards other innocents like I was. I had to find a
way where that girl wouldnt suffer from it. I just had to. God would show me how.
Heres a soft towel. The waitress handed it to Twirler and sat on the edge of the
table to watch.
Twirler took the towel and started lightly dabbing on the cuts.

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Wait! I said. Anyone got some hard shit? Just a shot?
Oh come on, Twirler replied. She scoffed at me. A strong woman like you
cant take a little sting?
I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. Go on, I nodded.
Twirler continued dabbing. Then she took a long strip of tape off , I could hear it
being extracted from the roll.
You aint gonna put that on hard, are ya? I opened my eyes and looked down at
her.
She glared. Will you just let me do this? Seriously, trust me.
I closed my eyes again and felt the tape going on lightly. She tapped little places
so it made contact, but not too hard.
Okay, grit em Bode.
She ripped the tape off and I barely felt nothing. I smiled and opened my eyes
looking down. Did it work?
Look for yourself. She held out the piece of tape and I looked closely. There
were pieces of glass in various sizes sticking out of the tape in a long strip. I smiled at
her.
Damn Twirler youre a freekin genius!
I have to do one more up above itjust to be sure.
I nodded at her and she repeated the process.
Im going to get you some gauze from the first aid kit to put on that we also
have some salve you can put on it Ill be right back. The waitress went back toward
the counter and came back with the first aid kit. Here you go.

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Thank you so much whats your name anyway? I feel so weird not knowing
what to call you. Ah duh, I can read your tag. I moved in closer to read it. Chris, nice to
meet you Chris, Im Beatrice but you can call me Bode, and this is Sarah.
Twirler told her Hi, and went back to doctoring me.
Ya gals made my night, Chris smiled. Grave yard shift gets me those psychokiller types all the time. Especially from the casino. It draws weirdoes from all over. If
ya know what I mean. I feel kinda bad and partly responsible for what happened. I had
this whole big area to put ya in and I put ya smack dab in the middle of the freaks.
She shook her head.
Its alrightyou didnt do it to be malicious. Hell, we know that. I replied.
Yeah, but they were saying shit before ya came I guess I wasnt thinking
about my customers I was thinking about ease of work. Serving.
Aw, dont give it another thought. Your job aint easy. I know that. Id a done
the same thing in your shoes. Plus you have to think of your own safety. Bastards like
themhow do you put up with it?
I have totwo kids and an ex who dont pay support. The more I put up with the
better my tip. I wear ridiculously low tops and push up bras. Its so degrading if I think
about it so I dont. My family needs the job probably more than I do so I think of
their little faces as I deal with the rude comments and sexual innuendo. I act uneducated
even though I have an associates degree graduated high school most likely to
succeed and with a real winner on my arm ha, like that means anything anymore!
She shook her head. Fucking economy! She looked up suddenly out of her trance.
Excuse my French I forgot ya were customers for a minute.

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I smiled. Customers? After what we went through? Hell were family! I
laughed and Chris smiled and laughed too. Right Twirler?
Damn right!
Just then the front door opened and two State Patrolmen came in. I felt sick to my
stomach for an instance, but Chris quickly smiled and went forward grabbing menus. Hi
guys, I have your booth waiting up here at the window. She led them to the front of the
restaurant with menus in hand. They smiled at her and looked curiously at Twirler and I. I
heard Chris talking to them, Oh, those are my friends. A victim of a nasty
piercingbelly button. Ya gotta be careful any more. Coffee for both of ya?
Twirler put the last of the tape on the gauze and stuck it on. There. She looked
back at the police and pulled down my shirt. She smiled her gorgeous smile and they
couldnt help but smile back at her. I put two twenties on the table. I felt bad that Chris
lost out on the ticket from the freak bastards. It wasnt like I was paying their bill. Hell
no, I was helping a fellow female make a livin. That was my way of looking at it
anyway. Chris came back to where we were.
Ya guys getting ready to leave? She asked.
Yeah, we got to go to church this morning. I laughed.
Really? Wow, you hardly seem like church folk why did I say that? I didnt
mean anything bad oh shit, well, Im bad with goodbyes. I kinda feel like I should hug
ya. She looked embarrassed.
Give me a hug, Chris, I grabbed her and squeezed a little. Thanks woman. I
appreciate your kindness.

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Im gonna miss ya two. She went to Twirler and hugged her. Now get outta
here before I put ya to work. She turned and went into the kitchen.

I snapped out of it just as the black haired man spoke toward Twirler, I bet you
got a nice tight pussy.
I stood up. What the fuck did you just say to her?
He looked up at me and sat there silent.
I said, what the fuck did you just say?
Maam, maam, is there a problem? The waitress came up behind me and stood
with her hand on her hips. She did not smile. She walked into the kitchen with an urgency
to her step.
Bode, what are you doing sit down. Twirler said.
Did you just hear what he said? I turned toward Twirler, and then turned back
toward the table of men. A man with a Peterbilt hat and a flannel shirt on was in between
them. He looked up and his eyes were glazed with a fog one minute and full on black the
next. He smiled and worms crawled through his teeth. I gasped.
He spoke, I bet it is tight. Give me a little look-see.
I was terrified. I stared at the men, frozen in fear, as the dead spoke again.
Who got who? He smiled again and then tilted his head down into his plate.
A hand landed on my shoulder, and I spun around. A man was standing in front of
me wearing an apron with filth all down the front of it. You and your friend here, are
going to have to leave. Im only asking once.

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I stood there with my mouth hanging open and looking around me. The three men
seemed embarrassed and kept their heads down, looking at their menus. Twirler was
making her way out of the booth. Where was R.J? Wait what? R.J?
Were leaving I apologize, sir. Cmon Bode.
Huh? What the
Cmon. She grabbed hold of my arm and began walking toward the door.
Twirler and I walked out of the Dennys and into or out of, an alternate universe,
least thats how it felt to me.

When we reached the hotel it was 5 am and Denise was still snoozing away. I was
still wired and didnt show any signs of fatigue yet. Twirler was still awake as well and
wanted to watch some TV. She turned it on low so as not to wake the sleeping beauty,
and I headed for the bathroom for a shower. I took out my Meth first and did another
couple of lines. It burned like a mother fucker but I needed that edge when I confronted
J.J. at the church. I was beginning to get inner workings about the church and dealing
with J.J. I knew I needed the element of surprise with him. He was too slick for normal
conversation. Hell, been that way his whole life. He was manipulative, and could talk his
way outta just about everything by confusing a person. Probably how he ended up a man
of God, after all, he was no genius, just a smooth talker.
I took my shirt off to rinse out the blood, and saw none there. The water over my
head was exhilarating. I felt refreshed after washing. I was ready to face my adversary. I
quit drinking because the alcohol did nothing when I did Meth. It was just a waste of

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good beer. I decided to save the last of my weed for when I wanted to come down. It
would cut the edge and make sleeping easier. I figured I probably had two days to get my
stuff done before I crashed. Three days was the usual high with how much Meth I had. I
wished that Twirler would sleep some since she only had two lines and I wasnt going to
tell her that I had more. When she crashed it might be rough going for her. Shed
probably be looking at 15 hours of sleep. I would have to decide when to fit it in for her
and where we would be. After church I planned on going back to Madison to deal with
Douger. We could go back to the Budget Inn and Twirler could sleep while I did what I
needed to do. Well, it was all speculation, I decided as I toweled off my hair and put
clean under garments on. I walked out of the bathroom and went to my bag and grabbed
out my sweatpants, and clean t-shirt.
I gotta go put these clothes in the wash you got any for a load? I whispered
to Twirler who was sitting on the couch.
She looked at me and smiled real big, You shur do look purty lady. She did her
impersonation of a backwards hills person from a movie.
Nice, I said. Ill have nightmares for sure after seeing that.
She looked over at Denise and then said, Cmon over here and sit down. She
looked like she had plans for me but I had other plans.
I have to get these clothes in the wash so theyre done in time for church. You be
good and Ill be back. I put my finger in front of my mouth to remind her to be quiet.
Youre really wearing your black outfit to church?
Oh youre not going to want to miss this, Twirler. It will impress even you.

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Bode, Im not going in that church you cant make me. Ive never been in one
before and I aint planning on it before I die so Ill wait in the car and sleep or
something but I aint going in there. Please dont ask me to.
Whats so scary bout a church to you I just dont get it.
They are in there, she replied.
They whos they?
Hypocrites, thats who.
Twirler, I feel the same waybut they only have power if you give it to em.
And this time I will have the power.
Youre scaring me with that, Bode. Dont say that shit. She looked annoyed.
I went and sat next to her. It scares you that I have power.
You sound nuts. Women say that kind of shit and it sounds nuts. Women dont
know power, especially not in church. Power is for Priests over powerless little boys,
Pastors over their flock pissing their pants in fear. God is a tool to control the masses.
But theyre just people. People trying to find something more.
Churches and religion means hatred and wars. I know you hate it when I say it
but its true. So no Im not going into that house of lies and liars. Not even with
you by my side.
Alright, okay Ill handle it without you.
She paused like she was thinking about shutting up, but then she continued cause
Twirler dont know how to keep quiet when shes worked up. So they walk around like
populating this world is so fucking important, but yet if I get raped and get pregnant
thats Gods will. But when a man is impotent theyre the first in line at the doctor for

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Viagra. Bullshit! Guess what Mr. Floppy? Your wilted nobber is Gods will, deal with
it.
Shit, I wish Id kept my mouth shut. I got up off the couch. She sat there fuming
some more and I walked out of the room with the laundry, leaving her to her rant.

When 7:30 am rolled around Denise woke up and began to get ready for church. I
finished my laundry and had changed into my clean clothes. Twirler took a shower before
Denise got up, and then we went outside to smoke waiting for Denise to get ready before
we went for breakfast.
By 8:30 we were rolling to breakfast and at 9:15 we were on our way to J.Js
church. I was so excited to do Gods will I could barely contain myself. I knew Twirler
made some real good points earlier, and sometimes when I was feeling weak, I would
start believing what she said but not today. I had no use for doubt when going into
battle. My cross was blazing on my shirt. I felt its heavy presence. I was representing a
higher power, I knew this, and by the time I was done so would the Waukesha Open
Bible Church, and J.J. Smith.
We pulled up and there were a few people still outside talking. Denise said she
had to go make sure Janie made it home. I had to time my invasion of the church so that
the Sunday school children were downstairs. I knew I didnt want my little Janie to see
what I had working for her daddy.
Hey Denise, answer me this do the kids have Sunday school while J.J. does
the altar call?

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Yeah, he figures its too heavy for the little ones. They dont understand it when
people get to talking in different tongues. So rather than try to explain it, my wonderful
husband ignores it and tries to shield them from it. Go figure, huh? She shook her head.
Why?
Well, lets just say that todays altar call will be something he never forgets.
Oh crap yeah, kind of wish I didnt know that, she said.
Itll be alrighttrust me. I patted her hand.
She smiled. Funny thing is, I do, Bea. I totally trust you. She kissed my cheek
and turned and walked inside the church.
I leaned inside of the car and asked Twirler, you sure?
Sit out here with me until its time. You dont want to hear all that shit do you?
I got back in the car and lit a smoke. I did a couple of lines before we left the
hotel, and they were beginning to drain down the back of my throat. I lowered the
rearview mirror and checked for white crusties. Boog-check, I announced.
Ah yes, by all means make sure your nose is clean for the thumpers. Twirler
sounded sarcastic.
I was jumpy and twitchy and became afraid that Twirler would notice. Arent
you tired yet? I asked her.
Yeah, I could sleep. How are you holding up?
Well, I cant sleep. I have to drive us back to Madison.
Madison?
Yeah. Remember Im turning myself in. Or is that a no-go now?

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Well, no, I guess I wasnt sure what was going on. So youre going to do that
today?
Hell no, Twirler! Not today, but soon. Ill know when. We gotta sleep first.
Theyll have us up doing interrogation for days probably. You know that, right?
What? She looked scared.
Yeah, thats what they do. We gotta be well rested and not weak thats for
damn sure. I looked over at her in the car seat and it hit me how vulnerable she was. She
looked so little and tired. My girl looked racked over the coals. One week ago today we
left home for fun and this is how she looked? This was not the look of fun. I put my
hand on hers and squeezed it. Im sorry, Twirler. I fucked everything up for you.
What? She looked at me like I was crazy. Bode, you saved my life dont
you dare apologize to me.
Yeah, but this other shit you didnt sign on for this.
Neither did you. You got your reasons. I guess fun got outta hand, huh? Either
that or life did. She lit a smoke and stared ahead of her into the open door of the church
as she exhaled. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a mist of a shape in the back seat.
I knew my ghost was back.

Its time.
I got out of the car and felt the breeze blow my coat back. I was exhilarated with
the thought of what I was doing. I shook my hands out at my side. I reached up and made
sure my cross wasnt cockeyed on the chain. I adjusted it to center on my shirt. I walked
up the five or so stairs and stood at the top and looked back at the car. Twirler put her

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thumb up and laid her head against the window for a nap. I straightened my pants and
shirt and entered the church. The smell of wet paper was strong as I entered. It reminded
me of old hymnals. And when I say old, I mean 100 years-old. There was an entry way
before the rectory. Two doors were on either side of a table sitting with church pamphlets
and tracts on it. I knew the propaganda the tracts dealt, my mas dad used to hand them
out at every eating establishment we ever went to when I was a kid. I just pretended he
wasnt with us when he walked up to strangers to share the word. Hed hand them a
tract and smile. It was hard not to love him with that smile. Even strangers would blindly
accept his word from the printed books. Inside I could hear J.J. hammering away with
his sermon.
His voice is strong his lies weak.
Jessa needs you, Bea.
I began hearing my families voices in my head. Aunt Lorraine cried. Denise
cried. Jessa cried. They all needed J.J. to reconcile with the truth. I took a deep breath and
looked at the picture hanging above the table. It was Jesus kneeling in front of a boulder
looking towards heaven. A light came from above and made his face lighter. It was a
famous picture of Jesus praying before he made the biggest sacrifice ever made for
mankind. Asking his father, why? Why me? Is this necessary? Really? Yes.
J.J.s voice came out from within, All you need is to ask right now. Ask Gods
forgiveness. Ask the Lord Jesus Christ to be your savior. He forgives all yes, he died
for your sins
I pushed open the doors with both hands and walked slowly down the aisle. Noone had noticed me yet. There were between 35-50 people I guessed inside the rows. The

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pews looked to hold eight people comfortably. The church was not full. J.J. stood on the
stage in front of the congregation. His eyes were closed and his hands were raised to
heaven as he prayed. Behind him Christ hung on the cross in a wooden monument that
was life size. It had been so long since I had been in a church that I almost fainted from
the overwhelming feeling of fear. I took another deep breath and put my hands up
towards heaven.
FOR ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. I
said as I walked forward towards the pulpit.
J.J.s eyes flew open and he looked at me. Unsure of who I was he spoke, Thats
right hallelujah, sister, praise God!
So you agree Rev. Smith? I announced loudly. I looked around the
congregation and saw Denise up towards the front; one of her eyes was red and swollen.
She looked at me with alarm and tried to conceal her face from me.
Praise the Lord, he repeated.
I stopped in the middle of the aisle and stood looking at the man in the suit with
my hands still raised to God. He stood tall in a tailored suit that was gray with a lime
green dress shirt underneath and a darker shade of green for his tie. His blonde hair was
combed to the side and he sported a mustache. Quite a change from the seventeen year
old boy I remembered from my youth.
Have all sinned, Rev. Smith? All of us even you?
Of course of course even me, especially me.

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Yes, I can see that, I looked at Denise. The congregation had looks of confusion
on their faces after my last comment and soon everyone looked to Denise. She looked
down, ashamed.
Suddenly J.J.s demeanor changed, Hey, what is this who are you?
I say unto you Rev. Smith If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke
them; and if they repent, forgive them. Is that not the word of our Lord God?
Yes, yes it is.
Does this verse apply to you, or are you above the law of the word you teach to
this congregation? The word of God?
Beatrice?
Proverbs chapter 6 verse 16 says these things doth the Lord our God, hate: yea,
seven are an abomination to him: A proud look, I paused and looked in his eyes. Then I
continued, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood. I looked over to Denise
and put my hand out to her. A heart that devises wicked imaginations, feet that be swift
in running to mischief, A false witness that speaks lies. I walked towards the pulpit now
to conclude. And he that sows discord among brothers and sisters. I reached the stairs
that led to the pulpit and walked up onto the stage and stood before him.
His face was in agony. He lifted his low head to me and I saw wetness in his eyes.
Now I whispered into his shoulder so the rest of the congregation couldnt hear, I know
J.J Everyone knows. He looked into my eyes then and I watched as a flood of
emotion came over him; shame, guilt, and confusion all at once. His arms reached out
and grasped my shoulders and then he fell to his knees, and a bunch of Amens and

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Praise Gods came from the church congregation. He bowed his head and raised his
hands in resignation to the Lord.
I looked over to Denise and she nodded her head through sobs, her body shook
from the cries that escaped her mouth. Then my eye went to the rear of the church and
there stood Twirler. Her face looked strange with an emotion I had never before seen in
her. I can tell you what it wasnt; it wasnt love, kindness, pride, or admiration. She
looked sick. I tried to ignore her look and put my hand on J.J.s head and began to pray
for his soul, and as I prayed I felt a sense of loss come over me.

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Chapter 12
Twirler
Bode was becoming a Demigod in her own mind. Of course life gets clearer
through a clean lens, but the lens was dirty and cloudy still at this time, and I couldnt
make sense of what I was a witness to. Bode acting like she was the preacher in a church
and having a whole congregation amen-ing her was the last thing I ever thought Id see
in my lifetime. Of course a whole lot I never thought Id see happened in those nine days
on the road. Especially after I left that church and thought all was fine now Bode fixed
her family. I walked outfeeling angryI couldnt really tell why. I knew I was feeling
surprise, but on top of that was some kind of betrayal. Like we werent on the same level
anymoreno longer connected like wed been up until then.
So I went and sat in the car, and smoked cigarettes in succession, one right after
the other. The congregation finally started coming out and I put on my sunglassesnot
wanting to make eye-contact with any of those Christian-type. I didnt watch them get
into their cars. I didnt watch as they fastened their children in back seats. I didnt watch
them say goodbye to each other with hugs. I didnt pay that any attention. And after
another twenty minutes of waiting, I finally saw something I needed to pay attention to.
Bode was running down the front steps of the church and she was looking at me
it felt like slow motion as I tried to make out her lips. I sat up in the seat and leaned
forward, like it might make me hear through the glass better. Then I see Denise right
behind her shes running too and her arms are really trying to create momentum in the
still, calm day.
Holy shit, I thought, Bodes really moving!

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Unlock the door unlock the door! Bode screamed.
I quickly hit the auto-lock and Bode opened the drivers door and hit the unlock
for the back seat, all the while looking at the door of the church but that wasnt where
Denise was
Holy shit cmon cmon cmon Denise!
And there he wasRev. J.J. Smith! Standing at the top of the stairs with a
shotgun in his hand. I saw him right as Denise was safely in the back seat and Bode got
in.
She started the car.
J.J. lifted the gun.
She put the gear in reverse.
He aimed.
Bode laid on the gas.
He fired.
She turned the wheel.
He missed.
She braked and shifted to Drive.
He aimed again.
Bode gunned it.
A bullet impacted the rear of the car.
Fucking A holy fuck-sticks! Bode yelled as she drove, leaving J.J. Smith in a
cloud of dust and confusion.
Denise was in the back seat crying.

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What the hell? I thought you were all friends now washed in the blood. What
the fuck happened? I asked.
I guess were giving the spirit a run! He changed his mind.
Changed his mind what the hell does that mean?
She looked quickly over at me and then into the rear view mirror. Denise
honeyI know this is real bad right now I understand that but but you gotta help
me find a safe place. Can you do that? Bode talked in a calm but urgent voice. It was
soothing in a hurry kind of way.
I looked back at Denise and she was moving her hair from out in front of her and
putting it behind her ears. Her face was red from crying and then I noticed her black
eye. I looked from her to Bode, wondering when they were going to reveal what the hell
happened to them. Denise was biting her lower lip and nodding her head, looking at Bode
in the mirror.
Okay, which way now?
Denise looked behind her to see if she could see J.J.s vehicle. There was nothing
yet. At the bottom of this hill theres a road that leads into the State Park. Go Left.
Its an isolated area she came forward from the backseat and pointed in front of Bode.
That one its a party road, I dont think J.J. knows this road. Eventually it comes out
to the Interstate towards Madison.
Bode slowed long enough to take the corner then she accelerated and kept
speeding until we hit the winding and curving roads in the dense forest area. Here she
slowed so wed stay on the road. We were all silent for a good twenty minutes

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periodically looking behind for traces of vehicles that could possibly be J.J.. Finally I
spoke.
Well, if that wasnt scary as fuck? Huh guys? I looked at both of them in turn
with a smile on my face.
Yeah, that was pretty fucked up, Bode responded.
Yeah, Denise nodded.
Cmon you guys is someone gonna tell me what happened, now? I pleaded.
Bode looked in the rearview mirror at Denise like they had huge secrets between
them.
Denise sighed, Ill tell ya. She acted like she had to collect herself first and took
a deep breath. Well, when Bea confronted J.J. in front of the congregation we both
thought that he was going to talk to his sister about the whole sexual assault thing when
they were kids. So he concluded the service and was acting all happy, and acting like we
were all one big happy family, she paused here and pushed a piece of hair back from her
face that had fallen forward. Bea asks him when hes going to call and talk to his ma,
and he says Im not calling my mother. What about forgiveness, Bea asks him. And he
responds with, Denise will forgive me. By this time I realized that some kind of
miscommunication had taken place, but Bea says, what about the rest of your family?
and he says, what rest of the family? Janies too little to know, besides she wasnt there
when it happened. Bea says, well of course she wasnt she hadnt been born or even
dreamed of yet. He turned and looked at her and cocked his head sideways, what are
you talking about Beatrice? all freaky like I knew that wasnt a good sign. She said
this all matter-of-factly. He reminded me of a horror flick monster when he did that.

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Oh my God, he didnt know what Bode was referencing in her mini-sermon? I
looked at Bode with a smile on my face. Ha! She wasnt a good preacher! It made me
happy and relieved to know she wasnt going to be changing her profession to Minister
anytime soon.
Oh, that didnt stop her from enlightening him on it. She says, on top of you
being an abusive husband, you also are an incestuous, asshole brother! Ring a bell, Mister
God-man? Well, you saw what came from that first he looks at me and says, you
dont believe that do you? And I say, well, you sure have been an asshole and yes, I
believe your sister, and if you dont get it together, Im leaving you. Well, that sent him
over the edge. He runs into his office and comes out with the gun. Bea yelled at him to
remember the Lord, but all he did was cock the gun. He was far enough away that when
we began running we had a lead of half the church good thing too, because you saw
him! What the hell!
She looked at me with big eyes. Kind of like it was all finally catching up to her
and she could not believe what just transpired with the man she had been in a relationship
with since high school. The father of her child and then the same thought must have
struck her.
Oh shit I have to get someone to get Janie! Oh no, he might take her away!
Im calling his Pa to go get her or maybe his older brother oh hell, what do I do?
She looked frantic.
Call the police and tell them that he has a gun theyll go get her then call
his pa to go get her from the cops, Bode responded.

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That makes sense, I said. No, really it does anybody would be in danger to
go there, especially family call the police and tell them you took off because he
threatened you and your cousin with a gun tell them you are safe, and you have
someone to take the child if they could pick her up. Tell them he hit you this morning and
you have fifty witnesses to the bruises. It was the only thing that added up for her having
a shiner.
Howd you know, she asked.
Hell its obvious youve been hit it didnt happen with us. So well, it just
adds up. Im sorry. I looked sympathetically at her. I really was sorry that her life had
turned all sucky once we showed up.
Its the first time he ever hit me and the last. I wont take that kind of
treatment I dont care how long weve been together, she shook her head. Then she
pulled a cigarette out of her purse and lit it. She held the pack out to me and I took one
and handed the pack back. Im going to call the police.
Do that Denise the sooner the better. Bode piped in. She too, lit up a smoke.
The car got all smoky, and Bode opened her window a crack. I didnt care that I could
barely breathe.
Oh shit! I cant get a signal! Do you guys have a signal on your phone? Denise
looked panicked.
I quickly reached in my phone and looked at the screen, No signal.
Here Twirler, look at mine, Bode said handing me her phone.
No signal, I said.
Is there a store around here somewhere where we can use a landline, Denise?

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Yes! Theres a little gas station by the State Park Entrance on the back-side of
the park. About 10 miles ahead, maybe give or take a few.
Bode sped up and looked down at the gas gauge. Hmmm probably a good
thing. I wasnt paying attention to the gasOh God, Sweet Jesus let us make it!
Are you fuckin kidding me? I asked. It couldnt have been worse timing,
either. I looked out the rear window and saw a grey car gaining on us. What color car
does J.J. have?
Grey, Denise looked behind her. Oh holy shit! Bea speed up for the love of
God, hes coming up on us! I watched her leg push down on an imaginary accelerator,
like she could make her drive faster merely with the gesture.
Hell, Im afraid we will run outta gas if I gun it! Bode chewed on her bottom lip
as she watched the car getting closer in the rearview mirror.
Ive never been one to panic, Bode knew this about me. I calmly watched the car
gaining on us. It was when the car was within 30 feet of our car that I noticed something
interesting about the grey carit had a red light flashing on its dash boardit was a cop.
And not just any copit was the State Patrol.
Slow down Bode its a cop. Start pulling over!
Bode looked in the rearview mirror and reduced her speed. As she slowed she
began pulling over. And then something amazing happenedhe flew past us! Only
problem was that he did it right as Bode said, Its been fun Twirler. I love you. You can
tell them the truth. Just tell the truth.
I looked into the back of the car and watched Denises face turn into a question
mark and at the same time the car sailed by us. Again, it was all in slow motion.

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Huh? What did that mean? She paused and looked into the rearview mirror at
Bode and then up at me. She scooted forward into the middle console area. Are you
guys in trouble? Whats going on? Her face was serious. She grabbed my arm. Sarah,
whats up?
Bode spoke, Denise, we cant tell you whats going on wed like too, but if
we tell you, you instantly become an accomplice, and I know you dont want to be that.
Will you just accept that as an answer?
No, I will not! She answered sternly. I have a child. Do you get it? I need to
survive our time together. She folded her arms in front of her now and looked like a
five-year-old throwing a tantrum.
Look, I understand that I was planning on leaving you in Waukesha you
know, before the crazy happened. We never wanted to put you in jeopardy. Just calm
down now we got a couple a things to think about here. You need to be safe. Period.
Bode looked at her in the mirror as she talked. You want us to leave you at this gas
station?
No, she pouted.
Well, its up to you you got a crazy mad husband after us with a gun. What do
you want me to do? I want, what you want. Bode seemed exasperated, but I could hardly
blame Denise for being concerned; after all, she did have a case against us. And she did
have a child to think about. But at the same time, we were out of options. J.J. could be
coming even as we tried to make it to the gas station. Hell, for all we knew he could
come up on us as were pumping gas.

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Just get me to the phone and then Ill decide what Im going to do. She turned
her head to look out the side window. Away from my gaze, away from Bodes concern,
and away from the comradery of women we thought we stood for.
We finally made it to the gas station. Bode pulled the car in front of the pump and
sighed in relief. She stepped out of the car and Denise opened the back door before it
even stopped. She sashayed into the station, full of attitude. Bode opened the gas tank and
began to pump gas. I got out and stared down the road where we came from.
You think its safe to go in? I asked Bode. Just then I noticed the grey Ram
Charger from before the one that flew by us. It was parked along the side of the
building. Along the side of it was emblazoned with the words State Patrol and a white
stripe. The windows were tinted, so I couldnt see if the officer was inside it. I nodded in
its direction at Bode, Look.
Fuck, she responded.
I looked inside and could see the cashier talking to someone. It looked like the
customer had a uniform on. He looked outside at us. Then I saw Denise go up to the
counter and talk to both the woman cashier and the police officer. I got a sinking feeling
in my gut like the jig was up. And this is where slow motion happened again
I watched the grey Ram Charger pull in behind Bodes car. My eyes met the
drivers as he stopped and put the car in parkJ.J. Smith!
Run Bode, Run! I screamed as I grabbed her arm and pulled her with me. I
ducked reflexively while I ran. Bode dropped the gas handle and ran, leaving it hanging
from the tank. As we ran for the safety of the inside, I saw Denise point outside toward us
and scream to the cop. Her eyes were huge! I looked back in time to see J.J. raise his

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shotgun. I began to zigzag as I ran, and Bode followed my lead. She ducked and held her
hands over her head to try to shield it from bullets that could easily penetrate her skin,
bone, muscles, and skull, if the target were true.
Then, the door opened and out came the police officer with revolver drawn.
Halt! Halt! He yelled at J.J. as he ran out into the open to shield us from harm. Seeing
him come out of the door I directed Bode towards the side of the building for shelter. We
swerved and I heard a gunshot and then another one and another.
J.J. walked forward and loaded another bullet in his chamber. He was hit, but not
down. Blood ran down his face. The bullet must have skimmed his head. Now he walked
towards the officer who moved next to his vehicle to get shelter from the Reverend with a
gun.
Throw it down now! I will kill you! The officer warned.
J.J.s face showed no emotion. His eyes were dead behind his shotgun. His tie was
loose like he had just had a really, really, bad day at work. His feet shuffled. It was like
he refused to be ungrounded by them.
Seeing the officer with J.J. made Bode think we could make a getaway. Cmon,
she pulled me out from behind our cover and back toward the car. She ran faster than any
human should ever be able to; adrenaline rush. And I matched her. We reached the car
and ducked down on the opposite side from the shootout unfolding before us. We were
situated at the rear of the car.
This was when J.J. started reciting scripture out loud, For all have sinned and fall
short of the glory of God. He raised his shotgun and bullets flew before he could get one

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round off. J.J. fell to his side and his gun fell out of his reach. The officer kept the gun
aimed at J.J. and moved toward him away from the car.
Denise came running out of the gas station screaming, Oh my God, Oh my God!
You fool, you fool! She reached his side and grabbed his hand as she kneeled beside
him.
Maam, careful, maam. He could still be dangerous! Please be careful! He
reached where J.J. lay and kicked the gun farther out of his reach. He bent down and took
his vitals.
The cashier came running out of the store, What should I do? What do you
need? She excitedly asked the officer. Hell, is that Rev. Smith? The women looked
closely at the body lying before her.
Its my husband, Denise answered monotone. He was trying to kill me, she
said. It was like she was trying to make it sink in. She repeated, He was trying to kill
me. Now she released his hand and stood up. He was trying to kill me! She stated it
like the truth like she finally believed that the gun and the bullets were meant for her.
She looked at me and Bode like a machine would; no emotion.
Bode grabbed the handle of the gas and removed it from her tank. She replaced it
in its holder at the pump. She, too, looked numb. She grabbed her sunglasses from inside
the car and put them on her face.
The State Patrolman looked down at his arm and now realized that he was
wounded. I watched him as he spoke to the cashier and they both ran into the station.
Somehow everything was happening around me and I felt like I was only an observer

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no longer in the action, I watched from a far off place. Removed from bullets and blood.
Removed from pain and loud noises.
Get in! Bode hollered at me.
Huh? I asked.
Get in, lets go! She opened the drivers side door and got behind the wheel.
Denise was walking toward us, but seeing us rushing to get in the car, she began to run.
Bodes hand shook as she put the key in the ignition. I sensed her urgency to get away, to
not be caught, to have one more day free, and I jumped into the passenger seat. And just
as Bode started the car the back door opened and Denise climbed in and shut the door.
Drive. She said.
Bode looked back at her and then gunned the engine spinning gravel as she pulled
out onto the road and left the destruction of J.J. Smith, and Denises life behind us. The
scene became fodder for nightmares and folklore as we put mileage between us and
another dead body.

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Chapter 13
Bode
We drove for ten minutes before anyone spoke, but the bawling of Denise kept us
company as we all searched for what the shooting meant for us. I couldnt believe my
cousin was deadand not just deadbut an attempted murderer. Not only an attempted
murderer of just anyone, though. He was trying to kill us, well, at least Denise and I for
sure. But somehow I knew he would have killed anyone in his way. And why? To protect
his lie? His evil deed that God knew he did. Who was he hiding it from? It just didnt
make sense to me hed admit to beating his wife but not fucking his sister when he
was a teenager? Thats some deep fucking shame! Even Denise said she was willing to
forgive him and move forward but who wouldnt forgive him? I shook my head to
clear the images of his J.J. lying lifeless in the gravel from my memory. I looked at
Denise in the rearview mirror and knew she couldnt stay with us. Somehow she had to
tell her daughter, her in-laws, and her family. She needed to get out of this car, and the
sooner the better.
Denise sweetie you know I love you. I love you so much but you cant
stay with us right now, honey. Think about your daughter, Aunt Lorraine, and all of them.
Theyre gonna need to know what went onfrom you. I cant do itI got one more
thing to take care of before I gobefore Twirler and I turn ourselves in I trailed off
and swallowed hard. Is this how well end up; Twirler and I, dead in a parking lot with no
family to claim us, no one to hold our hands and whisper Im sorry for you. Im sorry
you were born a woman. Im sorry no one will believe you when you say you were raped.

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Im sorry you died because of it. Im sorry this happened, DeniseIm real sorry he
flipped his lid. I cant help but feel a little responsible.
Bea, pull over.
What? No, Im not just letting you off in the middle of nowhere. No, I wont do
it.
Cmon Denise, Twirler pleaded. Lets not get all crazy. We can take you to
somewhere where you can call and tell them where to get you.
Its better for you if Im out here where they have to hunt for me really, I can
take it.
Nope, think again, Denise. Were not gonna abandon you. In fact we want
you and Janie to come live with us when we get out. We can all take care of each other.
Four ladies and three cats, I said.
Yes, yes, how about it, Denise? Twirler asked.
Im gonna buy you two some timeplease just pull over. I have a cell signal. I
will be fine. Just pull over or Im jumping out, she opened the car door.
Whoa, whoa, I said and began slowing down and pulling over to the shoulder of
the road. We were out of the forest area which made me feel relief. At least no boogie
men could be hiding behind trees waiting for her. But then I realized that she had been
with a boogie man for quite a while, not the make-believe one, but real life. He was stiff
on a gurney as we spoke. Maybe he was meeting Jesus, but then again, maybe not.
I put the car in park and got out. I grabbed Denise and pulled her to me. I hugged
her tighter than I had ever remembered hugging anyone who wasnt my lover. She

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hugged me back and sobbed lightly. Twirler, too, came out of the car and took hold of
Denise after I released her.
You sure about this? I asked.
Yes, now go please. Before I change my mind.
We will keep in touch, Denise. Twirler told her as she got back in the car.
I love you lady! I turned away from her. I made myself get in behind the
steering wheel and as I pulled back out off of the shoulder I did not look back. I did
not watch as she walked the opposite way we drove, her shoulders straight, her path
different than only twenty-four hours before, different than she could ever imagine.

The drive to Madison was different than the way to Milwaukee. It wasnt just the
road we drove on, but who we left behind, and what I was driving into. I was anxious and
agitated. Would the police want to talk to us concerning the incident with J.J.? Would
Denise tell on us? Not that she knew exactly what happened, but she did know we were
running. Hell, the police might not even know theyre after us. It was a possibility, after
all, that the scumbag hadnt surfaced in the river, or that he wasnt even missed by
anyone, yet. I might have all this anxiety over nothingbut that didnt drive it from the
paranoid workings in my mind.
Twirler was quiet like she had had enough vacation already. I decided to play
some music to calm me down. I grabbed my Alabama Shakes cd to hear some Blues and
turned it up. Twirler didnt object, so I figured maybe she was bluesy too. Ironically the
words came blaring out at us as she sang, Hold On! Ya gotto Hoooold on! And I felt the
message strong and clear.

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Sometimes God sends messages through other means then his own mouth. My
place as a child of God is to recognize it, and believe it through faith. But sometimes His
message is not his message, but that of the devil. It gets real exhausting trying to decipher
which is which, but my dad always gave me good advice for recognizing between the
two. If what youre doing just dont feel right inside, than chances are your message is
not from God.
Be careful, he said, the devils always trying to get the believers and you are a
threat to his evil. Dont forget it, Bea! He was always telling me stuff like that when I
was a childand most times all it did was scare the hell outta me, at the timebut then
later in life his words would echo in my head.
Times like these people could use some good parental guidance in spirituality. I
always thought this was what was missing in Twirlerthe reason why she wouldnt open
herself up to the spirit. My own ma lacked in it. She left her parents and ended up
marrying my dad so young to get away from her heretic father. Ma was the reason my
Dad became saved in the first place as a young man, but then she lost her own spirit to
vanity. Now she lives with a dark spirit of self-doubt self-loathing and selfpreservation. Its a strange combination Ill admit to that but she still clings to them
all. I see darkness around her when I come in the same room as her. Theres no light in
her eyesI know this from the few occasions I do manage to get a glimpse of her eyes
she always keeps them hidden behind dark sunglasseseven in night. Who ever heard of
such a thing for a 75 year-old-woman? Its just downright scary and depressing at the
same time. It makes me wonder sometimes if she isnt possessed of an evil spirit, and
thats not a comfort in the dead of night when the mind begins to wander. I pray every

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night that her life will change and she can find some happinessfinallyin life. But
every day brings the same diseased thoughts and circumstance for her. The same
paranoid ranting when I talk to herthe same hate-speechthe same self-beatings even
as she defends herself from brutal Lady Time who has done a number on her by taking
away her beautyher sexy bodyand her youth. It was the one thing she always had
her looks. Life can be so damn cruel! So when her mind leftshe found herself to be
dealt an even crueler handall she remembers is the way pasthow she was in her
prime. The transition never even enters her mind, because to her, it never occurred. And
whats leftwhat she sees in the mirroris no resemblance of the picture she sees in her
minds eye of who she always was. Maybe death is a blessing to some.
I could tell I was in need of sleep, but the tiredness from coming down was not
even close to hitting my brain. I began to let my mind race. Twirler was sleeping in the
passengers seat as I reflected on everything from parental control to the effects of
technology on the younger generation. I even thought about how cleaning my toilet with
a toothbrush could possibly take care of the lime stains, or how a Q-tip would do a proper
cleaning on my car-stereo. Looking back nowI was probably trying to think of
anything but what was before memy task left to complete before I sacrificed myself for
Twirlers saving from a rapist.
Unfortunately the avoiding brought it into my mind more forcefully, and I felt an
anger welling up in me along with the self-righteousness of someone who knows their
fight is the right onethe one that is pure and from God. I imagined the actthe knife
across the throat of the man who ruined mewho made my life a waste. The man whose
one act controlled my destiny with his lusthis lack of control of his bodymade me

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lose control of mine. Then it struck me that thinking about it in this way almost made me
seem like a whiner like someone who couldnt stand tall and fight. But I knew this
wasnt who I wasso what did it all mean?
My head suddenly hurt. I didnt want to think anymore, but the more I tried not
tothe more I did. Every song that came out of the car-stereo was a sign. Every billboard
along the roadside was speaking directly to me and my situationa message that needed
heeding. And every car behind me was the police. I was overwhelmed and under the
influence. I felt the claws of meth full-force as she tricked, fooled, and deceived me.
Something that I would always see in hindsight but it wasnt yesterday, yet, so I just
kept up the deception and corruption of my soul. Diving deeper into those places of the
mind where the dark things live and breed, hide and multiply. The shadow people
watched me driveand occasionally I would think they were messing with Twirler while
she slept. This would cause my head to swing quickly in her directionbut she would
still be peacefully sleepingno bad things seeping into her dreams. Or so it seemed. The
ninety minute drive was tormented with thoughts of being followed one momentto
seeing the Angel of Death the next. Somehow, I kept it together enough to arrive at the
Budget Inn and get a room without freaking out. I just needed another line. I couldnt
sleep now. Too much depended on my being clearbeing strong. Sleep would only
weaken my resolve, and take away my nerve. So I woke Twirler for long enough to get
her in the room and tucked into the bed. I told her I loved her, kissed her forehead as she
snored, and I slipped into the bathroom to prepare for my big finale.
I took off my clothes, and I turned the water on and let it get hot. I stepped into
the hot spray and let the water cleanse me from the outside to within. It was a spiritual

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experience, and it chased the demons away, at least for the time-being. The heat soaked
my tense and tired body, and steamed the aches from the Meth temporarily away. The
tightness in my neck and shoulders evaporated in the steam and released into the room
and out through the fan-vent. I imagined it going up and through the ventilation system
and out into the world to become someone elses issue. Imagining like this was a
relaxation technique I learned while I was in drug treatment in my younger years. Only
thing was, they didnt say it worked while you were still highthat was my own
experiment. I watched the ghostly forms suck up the vent and felt at ease for the first time
since the killing.
When the water started to turn cold, I finally got out and went to the main room to
get clean underclothes and some comfy clothes for the night. It was Sunday night, and I
knew that not too many people left the comfort of their homes the night before the grind
of the workweek was upon them. Douger must be a working man and would more than
likely be home watching TV with the family. I would be waiting outside his place when
he ventured out Monday morning for his job. I was pretty certain he wouldnt be taking
his daughter to work. To be sure though, I decided to see if the hotel had a computer for
guests in the lobby. I would search his facebook to see what he did for a job. Someone
whos vain like him should have his privacy settings available so anyone could search
him out and see how wonderful he was.
I grabbed the dirty clothes bag and walked to the laundry room and put a load in. I
made sure to include my black clothes for one last time. After tomorrow I would burn
them. I turned the dial to cold, and dumped in the soap I had to buy from the cheap wall
dispenser. I waited for the water to fill up before putting the load in, and as I stood

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thinking my own thoughts, they were broken by someone walking into the room. I turned
to see a man about the same age as me who was dressed very bright and funky, an orange
tie-dyed shirt with bright orange high top sneakers. His brown corduroys matched
perfectly with his shirt and shoes, and a slouched brown stocking cap finished off his
look. It resembled the clothes of a college kid, but his eyes showed clearly his age with
smile lines and wrinkles. He had brown eyes, dark brown hair, and his body was thin
except in his hips. He wore a silver name tag with the name Dean emblazoned on the
front of it.
Oh, hello. Dont let me bother you I just came in to check and make sure the
trash isnt fullthe other shifts never do it. They are such slobsdisgusting the things
that they just let sit until I get in. He looked up at me after attending to the garbage and
smiled. His eyes suddenly brightened, Holy crap are you kidding me? Beatrice?
Beatrice Shriner? He looked at my face beaming and then must have noticed the lack of
recognition in my face. Oh my God girl, its DeanDean Flynn? Your high school
sweetheart?
Finally I recognized this man. Dean! Are you kidding me? How weird! What
well obviously you work here hahaha Wow, it has been a long time! What have you
been up to? Although I never cared for stereotyping, it was obvious that Dean was not a
heterosexual. I dated him in tenth grade, and the funny thing about it was that we never
had sex like all our classmates were already doing, and we only kissed a couple of times
when we were both wasted. Mostly we just hung out and laughed our asses off at shit that
happened in class. The reason suddenly became crystal clear to me. I reached out to hug
him and he hugged me back.

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Oh Beatrice, I was just thinking about you the other day I was telling my
boyfriend about that time Mr. Carlson flipped you in your desk in homeroom
hahahaha or rather tried to do you remember that? Dean laughed now and his face
turned red like it always did when we would get to cracking up 25 years previous to now.
I laughed too, and it felt good. Oh my Godyes! What a jerk! I leaned forward
so he couldnt get it flipped totally over so after fighting me for about a full minute he
finally stopped and ordered me out of class! Asshole!
Dean was totally red now as he leaned back against the dryer and held his
stomach from laugh-aches. Holy shit! The whole class was like what the fuck, Mr.
Carlson, leave Beatrice alone! Wasnt that the day I picked out your perm during class
and thats why he flipped out? You werent even doing anything but letting me comb
it
Yeah, but remember how fucked up we were? Thats what pissed him off
hahahaha my eyes were barely open! Hohoho oh man, I havent laughed this hard
in a long time who, who, who! I continued laughing until my weird laugh came out.
The one that always made us laugh even harder because it sounded so weird.
We both wiped at our eyes and looked at each other grinning for a minute, until
Dean broke the spell. What are you doing back in Madison; someone told me that you
moved to Alaska or Wyoming, or someplace cold and foreign like that. You always were
so brutal.
You mean Nebraska? I laughed again.
Yeah, well, same difference.

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Yeah, I guess youre right cold and foreign hmmm I like that. We were
on our way to the 99% protest in New York and got ummmm sidetracked, I guess
youd say.
We? Are you with a boyfriend?
Girlfriend. I said and smiled.
Holy shit! I knew it I knew there was a reason we were together! Youre a
dyke! Well, Im a queen, so imagine that, he laid his arm on mine and smiled. What are
you doing right now? Wanna keep me company for a while in the office? Im not
supposed to be gone for too long at a time you know, in case of emergency, or if
someone calls.
Hell yeah, let me run to my room quick and grab some beers, and tell Twirler
where Im going if shes awake.
Okay and yes, I can drink and whatever else you might have to offer. He
winked.
Alright I went to the hotel room with a spring in my step. Finally, I could
have some fun!
I walked into the room and saw that Twirler was still fast asleep. I grabbed the
pen and left her a message:
I reunited with a good friend from high school.
He works here at the hotel. Im in the office.
Love you, Bode.
I left the note under the lamp by the television and went to the fridge to grab some
of our left-over beers from the night before. I put them in a Walmart plastic bag and made

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one more stop at my duffel bag to grab my Meth, before rushing out the door and to the
office.
As I entered the office Dean exclaimed his happiness with having company. Girl,
I needed some excitement tonight I thought Id fall asleep at the desk. I was up all
night last night, and only got like an hour of sleep Im dead!
Well then, you are really in luck, I replied.
Ooooowhatcha got? He looked interested.
Got some Methare you down with that?
Normally no but tonights a special occasion hell yeah, Im down!
Is it safe to do here?
Oh please its safe as long as we go in the back and no one comes in, like
my boss
My face must have showed panic.
Hahahaha dont worry he never comes in for night shift unless someone gets
murdered. Cmon.
He led me into the room behind the front desk. There was a computer sitting on a
desk that was large and oak. The office chair was huge and black leather with a worn
look to it. The rooms wall had a calendar of sexy women on cars in bathing suits directly
behind the desk. I looked at it and raised my eyebrows to Dean.
Not my idea, honey. He responded and smiled. He went to the side of the desk
and brought up a chair that didnt look as comfortable, closer to the desk. Again Dean
saw the displeasure on my face looking at the chair. Damn girl, you are demanding
Ill sit in the shit-chair you need the desktop anyway to cut the shit up, right?

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I laughed and sat down and spun the chair around. He smiled and shook his head.
Do you need anything?
No, Im good. I pulled out what was left of the meth and poured it out on the
desktop. I began to crush it as I talked. So are you seeing someone now?
Well, I wasbut last night the son-of-a-bitch went home with some fag-hag to
do coke and I havent heard from him all day bastard!
I dont get itis he bi?
Nojust an equal opportunity fucker, he laughed. Hell sleep with anyone
who has drugs hes young what can I sayI like them stupid and hot. Sometimes
the stupid backfires on me. He crossed his legs and folded his hands onto one another on
his lap. He looked neutrallike it didnt matter to him one way or another.
Youre so cute I cant imagine anyone cheating on you. I said still chopping
on the crystals.
I love you, Bea! You were always so good for my self-esteem. Why did we quit
hanging out?
Shit, I dont know I stopped chopping long enough to point at the beers.
Dean handed me one and pulled his own out of the bag. I opened it and took a drink.
Holy hell, thats good if you only knew what I had been through in the past seven
days anyway, was it because I got sent to treatment?
He snapped his fingers, Thats it! Treatment. Looks like it did well for you. He
laughed.

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Ha! Well, that wasnt the reason I was all fuckered up anyway you should
know being gay is hard on a young adult besides I stayed clean for a good long
time after that but it just wasnt my thing. At least I quit trying to kill myself.
You too, huh? Yeah, I was suicidal when I finally realized what everybody else
already knew. Why didnt you ever say anything to me? I mean, damn, we were both
hiding the same secret. He shook his head and went on, that is just so bizarre! We were
both pretending for our crowd to be accepted its really sad, actually.
Well, we made it through no use crying now, right? I paused and looked
sympathetically at him. I spotted a stereo receiver with a couple of speakers attached to it
and pointed to the shelf against the far wall. Does that work?
Oh please, he said. He got up and turned it on. Do you remember the station
98.5 WKAR? Girl, it makes me twerk! He snapped his ass and his fingers at the same
time.
Seriously? That what has been seen, cannot be unseen, I stated. We both
laughed. I used my blade to separate the lines out. When I was done, there were six lines
across the desk. I took out my straw, cut down to sniffer size, and handed it to him.
Ladies first, I said.
This is gonna burn, isnt it? He looked sadly at me and I nodded my head in
agreement. He took a deep breath and bent over the table and sniffed quickly. Holy
mother of God! He exclaimed and pinched his nostrils together.
And so it began; my final free night being high. I remember feeling like I was
fifteen again. Hanging out with Dean brought me back to happy rather than sad
memories. We were always laughing as teens, which is saying a lot considering the lie we

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lived. I felt like I could tell Dean anything and soon I was telling him the whole ordeal.
The killing of R.J., the disposing of the body, everything. Meth will do that to a person
and I was tweeking full balls, as they say.
I used the computer on the desk and looked up Dougers facebook. Of course, like
I predicted, he had an open profile and I had no problem finding out all the particulars of
his private life. I found out that he worked at the Rayovac Factory across town and that
he worked five to six days a week, depending on the work load. Id say he was prolly on
six-day-weeks because more than likely they were gearing up for Christmas in early
October. I also knew that he worked the day shift, 8 am-4 pm. Perfect.
What do ya want with Douger? I know that vain son-of-a-bitch! He worked as a
personal trainer at the gym I went to a few years back Oh my God, did he think he was
the shit! He also went to East with us, right? You got a thing for him?
Please! He grew up with me a friend of my brother Bobbie did you ever
meet him?
Yeah, he died, right? He looked me in the eye. Im so sorry that happened to
you.
That was a while ago, Dean I mean, thanks and all, but its totally
unnecessary No, this shit with Douger goes way back.
Well, you kinda look like the devil right now so Ill leave it alone. Its your
business.
I know I told you everything else but I cant tell you this youll thank me
tomorrow.

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Okay thats more than a little alarming, but okay, Ill just act like you didnt
say that.
And he did too. He never even asked another question about it the rest of the night
as we sat there in the debilitated little room listening to old dance tunes and laughing
about the old days. Laughing about what was past, crying about the present, and wishing
the future could wait until we were readyready to move forward, again, from this
pleasant right now. How could time ever slow down so the inevitable didnt happen.
Could we make it stop or even pause in times like these?

When 7 am rolled around, I told Dean good bye, and went to get my clothes from
the dryer and head to the room to get ready for Douger. I had begun to get anxious with
Dean, and decided I should meditate for a bit before actually driving over to the
apartment complex and waiting. I put on my black clothes and arranged my cross
necklace as I finished in front of the mirror. My eyes looked tired. I had dark rings
around them and my face was pale. Thats okay, I thought. Its not like I needed to look
hot for the man I was going to kill. The black of my pupils overtook my paleness and I
felt like I resembled a zombie. I felt shaky. And weak. NO! Not weak! You cant be weak
now! I glared into the mirror trying to scare myself into being courageous. I finally
looked away as determination overtook my reason.
I turned from myself and walked into the bedroom. I looked at Twirlers innocent
baby facepeaceful in restand suddenly I longed to be lying beside hernot walking
out the door and into revenge, and away from her forever. The voice in my head finally

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broke through to my brain; if I did this I would only see Twirler through a glass partition
for the rest of my lifeforever. Nomaybe I wouldnt be caught. After all, it was Gods
plan. Im sure God has a greater planand if He wanted me in prison, than there must
be a reason for it. I had to quit questioning my faith and follow through with it. Who was
I to question my path?
I kissed her forehead, turned my back, and walked out into the day as the sun was
rising. The sky had a beautiful pink-orange tint as the sun began its ascent into the
heavenand Ia mere mortal watched in awe of Gods handiwork. When the sun was
finally above the horizon I got in the car and drove towards destinywithout Twirler by
my side.

When I arrived in the apartment parking lot I drove to the back area by my
childhood trees and pulled in to park. I made sure I was over to the far side of the lotso
as not to be noticed if Douger were to suddenly come out of the building. Not totally
knowing his schedule, I could pretty much plan on being taken by surprise when he came
out. If I stayed in the car to wait, I wouldnt have time to surprise him before he could get
in his truck. I would have to be closer. I grabbed my sunglasses and my blade out of the
middle console. I put my glasses on my face and stuck the knife in my pocket. I pulled a
cigarette out and lit it. I forced myself out of the carand this is when I felt like I was
switched to auto-pilot. I quit thinkingquit feelingand just concentrated on my task at
hand. I know it sounds coldbut theres just no other way to describe it. I coolly walked
to the trees and stood behind the biggest one. Douger didnt learn from the last episode
with me and was still believing he was safehe kept his truck parked so his tailgate

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backed up into the trees. I looked at my phone and saw it was 7:23 am; he should be
coming out soon.
My heart beat blood quicker to all areas of my body, somehow knowing Id be
needing it. I swallowed hard and tried to control my breathing so I didnt pass out from
the rush of blood. I inhaled deep and exhaled long. It was cold out and I kept my free
hand in my pocket, clasped around the knife handle. Would he be unaware this time? Or
would he be expecting my assault? I didnt knowbut God would dictate the outcome.
Suddenly I saw a figure walk from the apartment building and I dropped my
cigarette, knowing Id need both hands for this encounter. I looked closeit was Douger.
My heart went into double time and I felt something like electricity flowing through my
veins. I clenched the knife handle and pulled it from my pocket.
Douger whistled as he walkedsurely this wasnt the actions of a man afraid. He
hit his unlock on his keychain and the beep of the truck as it signaled the door being open
sent me into a panicked leap forward. Douger saw me and froze where he stood, a mere
three feet in front of me.
Beatrice, holy fuck! What the hell are you doing? Damn woman, you need to
step back. He held his lunch-box out in front of him like a shield. It was one of those
typical man lunch-boxesblack, tin, and shaped like a barn. His blue work uniform
made him look like a mechanic going to work. He stuck his other hand out and waved it
down like he was trying to distract a mad-dog or a bear from his throat. Cmon Beatrice
I didnt do nothing to you holy hell please I dont want to hurt you Bobbie
would never forgive me. Just calm down.

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I held the knife out in front of me, a threat to his manhoodto his way of life
his future. Douger, I just cant allow you to keep getting away with it. You cant take
anymore innocence. I wont allow it. God has sent me to deal with you. And when I said
it out loud I realized how fucking nuts it all was. What was I doing?
God? Holy crap you arent going to try-n-kill me are you, Bea? I I Ive
been thinking about all this and well I dont know how to tell you He looked
sad and frightened at the same time. He lowered his head as he lowered his lunchbox.
Then he whispered, It wasnt me, Bea It wasnt me. He lifted his head and looked
me square in the eye, and in that brief second my heart leapt up and slapped my lungs and
took my breath because in me inside, I had a vision of what he was saying.
I was back in his apartment by the sliding door the cold still blowing in
from the crack in the door I had just entered. My face was cold my hands were cold. I
wanted to know where Bobbie wasit was close to Ma coming home from work and all
us kids needed to be home when she got home otherwise she would know we were
running the street. The door slammed shut. I was looking at Dougerbut someone was
behind me, and had slammed the door. I felt hands around my armsholding me. I felt
them twirl me around as a laugh burst out of the image from behind, but now in front of
me. Douger was ripped from my minds eye as the voice said, No baby brother here to
protect you, its just us, bitch!
It was, he swallowed hard. It was your brother, Bea it was B
No! I hollered. Dont lie about that no, Douger. Be a man! Face this and be
forgiven I was in a frenzy. I fought for air as the image became clearer like a vapor
transforming in front of my eyes.

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Beatrice, you need to know, he breathed out and formed the words. And his
mouth froze in time and formed words that seemed foreign to me. It was Bryce, he
finished.
I saw the image clearly now fully formed in front of the ten-year-old. Standing
there I was so afraid of the man-boy in front of me with his incredible strength. The one
who always hit the hardest, and scared me the most. The brother who should have died.
Not the good one not Bobbie. I felt my knees getting weak as I looked in Dougers
eyes and realized that I had been wrong it wasnt Gods will to kill Douger. It was
history repeating. How could I move forwardhow could I forgivehow would I tell
And then there was Twirler in between Douger and I, and grabbing my hand with
the knife clenched in it. NO BODE! she yelled facing me, and I released, letting it go.
Letting it all go. Behind her I could see Dean running his mouth moving saying
something but all I heard was, It was Bryce, echoing in my head, as my knees
finally buckled, and two days of snorting meth came crashing in on me. I was done.

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Chapter 14
Twirler
Bode was a mess. After her collapse and breakdown following the revelation of
the real perpetrator of her childhood assault, Dean and I collected her weak and spent
body and put her in the backseat of the car and drove her back to the hotel. Douger was
sweet and sad. He didnt realize that Bode didnt remember the events of that day so
many years ago, and with him being a father it made him sympathetic to what Bode was
going through. He didnt report the incident to the local police and he kept apologizing to
Bode as he helped us pick her up and get her in the car.
We were kids, he explained to anyone who would listen.
When we arrived at the hotel, Dean got out of his car and helped me get Bode into
our room, me under one arm and Dean under the other. She couldnt hold herself upright
and moving her feet seemed like a chore as she chose instead to drag them behind her. I
took off her shoes once we were in the room and had her sitting on the bed. Dean looked
very concerned. He came to the hotel room after he saw Bode leave and pounded on the
door until I woke up and opened the door. He had told me about the events of the night
with him and Bode, including the meth, and he knew she was planning something as she
sat with him.
I know you dont know me, but I work here and Im an old friend of Beatrice
and Im worried! He said the last line strongly enough that I let him in and listened as
he told me about her looking up Douger on facebook, and then telling him she had one
last thing to do. Dean could tell that Bode was in the grips of meth just by the way she
seemed paranoid and jerky. He drove me to the apartment complex. We both knew shed

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be there. After Bode was in the hotel, Dean gave me his phone number and told me to
call when she woke up and left us to ourselves.
It seemed Dean and I had reached the scene just in time, too. Poor Bode. A lot
that happened after the killing was beginning to make sense to me, like Bodes sudden
savior complex, and her need to fix things with the men in her life, and the sudden drug
use. Was this the reason she looked up Slim? I wasnt sure, but somehow I felt it all
connected to a larger thing, the elephant in the room.
I took Bodes pants off and replaced them with sweatpants. She would respond to
me with one word sentences when I asked her questions: Yes no ok. She had a
resigned look in her eyeresigned to our going awayresigned to life without meand
resigned to living with the pain of an imperfect life. I knew she hadnt slept in days and
that was the top priority to me; her sleeping while she could. Thats when she finally
seemed to be able to say something more, she whispered, just under her breath. I leaned
in and grabbed hold of her hand to let her know I was with her.
Ive been a fool. She closed her eyes tightly and tears forced through the barrier
of her long, dark lashes. They streamed down her nose, just like always. She was still the
same Bode. I knew it now. I got up and grabbed the box of tissue out of the wall
dispenser and brought it back to her. I wiped on her face as I kissed little spots on it,
lightly.
Shhh its okay, Bode. Dont worry about this big ol bad world just yet. Sleep
sweetie well talk when youre rested. Sleep. I soothed her until she started sniffling
like a child finally coming down off a tantrum. I got up from beside her and got a glass of

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water and made her drink. She laid her head down, and I rubbed her temples and stroked
back her hair. She was snoring two minutes later.
When I was sure she was asleep I turned on the TV with the volume on low.
Thats when I saw the morning news show and Denise plastered all over it. Pictures of
J.J. went one after another over the broadcast. I quickly looked to Bode to make sure she
was still asleep and got the remote from the end-table and turned it up. My eyes glued to
the pictures. The image flashed to the gas station, the yellow crime scene tape, and
beyond the tape in the distance of the focus; a body covered in a black Coroners bag.
Waukesha minister J.J. Smith, shown here after the deadly shooting yesterday
afternoon just outside this Wisconsin State Park. Officials are still sketchy on the details
concerning what exactly set the minister off in the first place, except to say it was
domestic in nature. Police are seeking the publics help in finding two witnesses who
might have further information in the ongoing investigation, shown here getting into a
green, Mazda 626 four door. My stomach flip-flopped as I watched the film footage of
Bode and I jumping into the car and Denise slipping into the back seat right before we
spun out of the parking lot. The female getting in the back was identified as Denise
Smith, wife of the deceased. She has turned herself into authorities for questioning but
remains tight-lipped as to the whereabouts or identities of these two, saying only that she
needed away from the bloody scene and these two innocent bystanders agreed to give her
a ride. I dont know Frank, what do you think? These two look like they are knowingly
leaving the scene of a shooting to me, The woman with the cellophane face turned to her
co-host imploringly.

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Looks that way to me, Marge lets hope someone can give the authorities
some information on this crime right out of the books. He shuffled the papers in front of
him, and I felt like I could puke. Denise was taking the heat for us. Her life was already
blown sky-high, and here she was taking more stress and ridicule for our sake. I couldnt
help but feel remorseful and for the first time I could remember in my life, I cried. I sat
there and it all became a reality in front of my eyes. No more hiding from the facts. We
were in real trouble. The release of emotion was foreign to me and I tried to hold it back,
but soon realized that was not going to happenand forty years of held in response to
life came rushing out of the open gate. I got up and ran into the bathroom and sat on the
stool, hands over my face to hide the tears I swore I would never show. But here they
were wet and salty and never ending it seemed. I cried for an hour, at least. I finally
knew what the thickened saliva of someone cried-out felt like. Bode explained it to me
once while explaining about blowing bubbles in spit. Something she said she would do
when she was a child, forced to go to her room for doing something wrong. She would
cry so hard her saliva would get thickand then after crying herself out, she would lay
on her bed with her feet up against the wall and make bubbles with her thick spit to calm
down enough so her mom would feel bad and let her out from her bedroom grounding. It
was the cutest thing I had ever heard of at the timeand now here I was, blowing
bubbles in my cried-out spit.

Bode slept for one whole day straight, but I kept checking for breath when her
snoring would stop. Meth scared me, and she knew it. I was afraid that somehow she

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would short-circuit and her heart might stop, or worse yetthat those damn dark shadow
people would come and steal her away while she slept. She had told me of these demons
when she was clean and talked about her old days of using, but when I did those lines of
crystal, I met them personally. They lived in the peripheral of your minds eye. Moving
shifting seen and unseen. Demons, was the only word that captured their essence.
I ate like there was no tomorrow as she slept. I ordered food from any restaurant
willing to deliver. Dean invited me to spend some time with him in the office and I went
to visit with Bodes childhood boyfriend. We ate Chinese food and drank beer. He told
me about this great lawyer he had dated and gave me his number. When I saw the name
on the piece of paper was Rick Semper, I looked at him and said, Bullshit! You slept
with HIM?
Oh, please we go way back. Not just once but for like five years! He
would still be with me today if he was the only one with a say in the matter. Girl, he loves
me!
Wow, I had no idea you are so connected, I laughed. He laughed too.
Yeah, he moved to Cali to be this high profile lawyer for the underdog I know
its an oxymoron, but he is too. I couldnt deal with California. It was too much pressure
to be someone else. Im just an average guy. I want an average life its all I can deal
with emotionally, really.

Okay, Sarah did he really say that? Rick interrupted me. He looked over the
top of his glasses.

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Sorry Rick but the good news is that he does seem to be hanging around quite
a bit now maybe you should come back to Wisconsin to live permanently?
He adjusted his shirt collar and decided to unbutton the top button. You dont
mind, do you? Its been a really long day. And yeah, California is losing its zeal
people dont communicate the same as here I dont know its different.
I really need a cigarette Mr. Rick can we smoke?
Here, he handed me a black cylinder shaped thing that looked like a cigarette.
Its vapor with nicotine. They allow these in visiting areas. He looked at my face of
doubt and continued. Just suck on it like a smokeseriously, it works the same.
I inhaled slowly and cautiously. Then exhaled a big puff of smoke,
Mmmmmcoffee?
Very goodyes, its coffee flavor.
Hell yeah! Im getting a buzz its been so long since I smoked. I want to thank
you for everything youre doing for Bode and I. I felt awkward, but at the same time, I
knew that Ricks defense was worth plenty in lawyer terms, and he would not dream of
charging us. He said we were brothers and sisters in dealing with the hardships of being
someone that society does not understand or support, and hed be damned if he was going
to make an already hard life, harder. He was one of the good ones, a good guy through
and through.
You dont have to keep thanking me, Sarah. I know youre grateful.
Well, I just want to make sure you know how much it means to us, so thanks
again. I smiled across the table at him, and he laughed.

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Can we get through this last bit of detail? Then I can get out of here and talk to
Bode tomorrow about what she wants to do.
Sure, Im getting tiredand hungry, too. Theres a real good cook here. You
probably wouldnt believe me, but its really not that bad here. No psycho killer roommate, no diabolic guard prostituting inmates, and no drug pushing bull-dyke wanting my
goods. I laughed again.
Hopefully you will be out of here soonBeatrice wants to make a deal with the
prosecution.
What kind of deal?
One that keeps you innocentlike you are.
I hope shes not going to hurt herself in doing that; is she Mr. Rick?
No, Sarah and dont call me Mr. Rickit gives me the willieslike Im an
old man or something. Look, Im not going to let her do anything that will make things
worse but by the same token you need to be protected, and since you did nothing
wrong except covering up Bodes crime, you should not be imprisoned for that
especially when her crime was in protection of you get it?
Yeah, I guess so. Can I talk to her soon? I really miss her.
I tell you whatwhy dont you write her a letter when we get done here, and I
will get it to hertheres no harm in that.
Thanks RickOkay, Im ready to get this done with. Lets seewell, after the
crying jag in the bathroom of the hotel, I knew we had to do something to get Denise off
the hook for the shit with J.J.. I also knew that Bode needed her sleepso I waited
another day after I saw the news report and then I called Denise.

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Hello, she answered.
Denise, its Sarah.
Oh my God, hang onhang onI have to get somewhere I can talk she
whispered into the phone. After about a minute, I heard a door shut and she came back on
the line. Okay, heyare you guys alright?
It was just like her to worry about us before her own predicament. Yes, we are
fine but look, you have to do something please, will you do something that may
seem stupid at first, but really its for the best?
You know Im here for you and, well, I guess if its something you need as
long as it wont hurt my daughter yes, Ill do it.
It wont hurt you sweetie its to help you. Youve got to turn us in.
Oh Sarah no I couldnt do that please. I cant be the one to cause you to
be caught. She pleaded with me.
Look, youre taking a lot of heat on this and well, I cant turn us in on account
of Bode. Its just better if its you no one will blame you for doing it. Actually it will
get you off the hook. Make you look better. Just listen and remember we are at the
Budget Inn in Madison. Wait until 5pm to tell them, okay? Please Denise?
Alright but if you change your mind between now and then you make sure
you call me and let me know, okay?
I will I love you. Bye. I pushed the end call button and sat on the edge of the
tub. I had set the wheels in motion because I knew the jig was up. We were going crazy
from keeping it in. Bode and I were not criminals and it was time to quit living like we

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were. Yes, it would be uncomfortable, hell, life most times was uncomfortable, but Bode
needed to clear her head, and her conscious. I wouldnt allow anymore crazy in my life.
I went into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed next to Bode. It was 10 am
on Wednesday. It had been exactly 10 days from the day of the killing of R.J. and three
days after J.J.s killing. Two men had died in our company, and to me that was two too
many. Yes, R.J. was a scumbag predator, but sometimes I wonder what would have
happened if Bode would have let him live. I would have been raped, but it wouldnt have
been the first time still, would he have killed me? A shiver ran through my body as I
thought of the knife to my throat and the desperate look in the mans eye yes, he
would have killed me. There was no alternative to save the both of us. Bode did the best
thingI just pray that she can deal with the consequences of it.
Bode, I nudged her lightly. You alright? I sat and watched her breathe awhile
and then nudged her again. Bode cmon sweetie, you have to get up. Its been 48
hours since you fell asleep.
Suddenly her eyes opened wide. Has it really? She stared at me through blood
shot eyes.
Holy crap, yes. Your eyes look terrible. Are you feeling okay?
Shit water. Oh man she coughed. I need some water, please?
I got up and got her a glass of water from the sink. Are you hungry? Maybe we
should go get some food.
She drank the glass of water and gazed off into the distance remembering, I
could tell. Oh hell, I need a shower, she said. She stretched her back by bending
backwards. An my mouth feels like a herd a cats shit in it Oh my god foul.

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I laughed. Well, get in the shower thenand then we can go and eat. Im starved
half to death.
She grabbed me and pulled me down close to her. What if I breathe my dragonbreath on youwould that make ya lose your appetite?
Ew, gross! I pulled away and laughed. We were us again. We rolled in each
others arms as I squealed to get away from her face. Pretty soon we were both laughing
and holding our bellies from the pain. Even though life looked real bad; life was good!
Bode finally got up to take a shower and I went to get her and I some coffee in the
office. The TV was on in the office and I heard the plea from the news anchors for the
whereabouts of the two women who were seen leaving the sight of J.J. Smiths shooting
being announced, again. Dean wasnt working and the front desk person eyeballed me all
crazy like. Shit! Or perhaps I was being paranoid. She had long, brown, stringy hair that
looked unwashed or wet, I couldnt tell for sure. She wore a blue long sleeve t-shirt and
khaki dress pants. She was behind a small bar-like partition with the office door open.
She stood behind the bar and watched me get coffee.
Hey, I said in greeting and smiled.
Hi, she said back.
Is Dean working today?
He washe got off at eight. Why, you a friend of his?
Oh yeah, him and I go way back just here for a high school reunion. Not his
but a couple years earlier.
So you went to East? she asked.
And before I knew what I was doing I said, Yes.

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I thought you looked familiar she laughed. You probably thought I was
being rudeI just could not figure out where I knew you from. She was smiling now.
What class?
Oh uh, class of 90.
Oh, you look a lot younger than that Im 94 I guess we wouldnt have
been there at the same time. Not that forty is old Im sorry, I didnt mean that. Oh God
Im always making awkward comments like that Im sorry.
Its okay I do the same thing really its alright. I smiled and stirred the
sugar into my cups.
Who were your favorite teachers?
My eyes got wide. Oh God, memory dont fail me now. Who was it Dean was just
telling me about being mean to Bode? Please just one namewho was it? I think he
said her name was Mrs. Malcarek or something like that. Yeah, she used to go and get
Bode for Creative Writing class right in front of all her friends when she skipped. I
loved Malcarek. I learned so much from her. Oh, and Mr. Carlson was the best. I
giggled in relief.
I never heard of anyone that liked Carlson he was an ass! Well, at least to
me. Her face turned red. I never heard of Malcarek what did she teach?
Creative writing, I said matter-of-factly.
Right she nodded her head. That would make sense I was never an
English person more of a Science geek. But thats really cool. Do you still write?
A journal, but other than that, no.
Cool, cool. Journals are pretty neat she trailed off.

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Well, I better get the coffee back nice talking to you.
Amanda, my names Amanda.
Right nice meeting you, Amanda. I said and walked out with the coffees in
hand. Now I know what youre thinkingthat was incredibly rudebut to tell the truth I
was all lied out and I couldnt give her my real name. I figured I had dodged a bullet in
thinking up those names of teachers at the high school. Usually I just blank out when
Bode tells me stories with names attached, so I was pretty happy that some of it does
stick after-all.
I opened the door to the hotel and saw Bode sitting on the bed with a white face
and staring at the TV. Oh, you saw that, huh? Yeah, theyre looking for us. I set the
coffee down next to her on the coffee table and went around to the other side of the bed
and sat down. Only thing was, when I looked at the TV it wasnt the news clip about us
and J.J.. It was a news clip of police pulling a body out of the river. Holy shit!
Shhh, I want to hear.
The cellophane blonde spoke: Hikers said there was a white bag over the head
which made it stand out against the bank. They thought maybe it was a bag of money, or
perhaps something dropped from a yacht that had been caught in the brush near the
rivers edge. However, when they got closer to the bag they noticed the rest of the body
under the water. You can imagine their shock, Frank.
Yes, I can Marge So if the body was found in McGregor, Iowa, where do they
think it originated? The Pikes Peak State Park is right there are police speculating at
this time?

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No, Frank. They are remaining tight-lipped even as to the sex of the body at this
point. They say they will take a look at missing persons from around the area, and then
go from there after an autopsy. So it could be a while until we know for sure.
Okay thanks Marge. In lighter news
Holy shit. I said it again.
Yeah, well it looks like the pig came up for air. Bode stated. She took a drink of
her coffee. Mmmmm thats amazing coffee. They have really good coffee for a hotel,
dont they? She looked up over the rim and took another sip.
Um, yeah great coffee, Bode. Um, are you in the least bit concerned about the
body surfacing? I mean at all?
Well, Twirler what the hell is a person sposed to do? I aint gonna get all
bent over it. Are you ready? Lets go eat breakfast. But wait what did you say when
you first came in?
Uh um the police want us for questioning concerning J.J. and they posted
video of us leaving that gas station. You can see us pretty clear but Denise didnt tell
them a thing. She even took a lot of heat for it like, they held her for a while.
Seriously? Were famous, huh? Cool.
There was a knock on the door. Bode looked at me and stood up slowly. She put
her finger up to her lips, shhhh she said quietly. She walked to the window and peeked
out the side of the curtain. Its some young dude I cant see his face. Are you
expecting anyone? She mouthed it so it was only the outline of a whisper.
I shook my head.
Another knock assaulted the metal door.

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This guy wasnt leaving, whoever he was. I looked at Bode and scrunched my
shoulders up to let her know I didnt know what to do. I was hungry and just wanted to
get the hell outta there so we could enjoy our last day of freedom for a while, but this guy
seemed to not care about our plans.
Who is it? Bode called out. It shocked me and I jumped and looked at her
questioning with my eyes. She put up her hands like she didnt know what to do either. If
it was the police he would have come in a long time ago.
Tony. A voice called out.
Im not expecting a Tony, Bode hollered back.
Oh, no its just your car I kind of hit it.
Bode flew open the door, and in that moment she was pushed backwards and a
gun was put in her face as the door shut behind him. What a fuckin coincidence
hello neighbor. He laughed. See, the funny thing is that this time I have a gun and
you well, you dont have a knife. Give me my money hell, on second thought
give me all your money.
Oh, you meant that Tony, Bode said and smiled.
Thats right bitch. Your jig is up I also know youre wanted, so dont start any
shit. Imagine that its funny really me being moved to work in Madison and put up
in the biggest piece a shit hotel in town, and thenwell, here you areits lucky,
wouldnt you say?
If you mean lucky for you I cant really say one way or another causewell,
I aint you, now am I.

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The whole time Tony has his attention on Bode, so my mind is looking for
weapons to use against him, since I have no idea who he is, other than somewhere on this
trip he has encountered Bode and hes not happy with her. The main concern for me is
obviously his gun. Bode keeps making small-talk with him and so Im assuming its to
take his attention off of me. Perhaps this was my greatest mistakethere is just no way
of knowing how these things might turn outa man with a gun is pointing it at the love
of my lifein the same position only 10 days prior, Bode risked her life for me. So I do
what I have to do to save herand I went for his eyes! I poked em hard and fast! Only
problem was that his gun must have had a hair trigger because it went off before I could
get it out of his handbut I did disarm him by thrusting my fingers between his knuckles
and when I turned around, Bode was on the floor and holding her shoulder, blood
oozing through her fingers. Tony turned and ran out of the room, still holding his hands
over his eyes. I threw the gun down to the floor and ran to Bodes side.
Oh my God, Bodeare you okay? Holy shit, Im sorry. I lifted her fingers to
look at the wound. Ive got to see the back of itto make sure the bullet came out.
Oh damn it hurts Twirler. I aint never been shot before. Crap!
I turned her on her side and lifted her shirt out to see if there was an exit wound.
Theres a hole back here Bode thats good it came out. Hang on let me get a
towel. Next thing I knew there was a commotion at the door and Amanda was standing
there with two other people. Not police.
I called the police theyre on the line do you need medical assistance?
Yes, shes been shot but not an ambulance. The bullet went through tell
them that she cant afford an ambulance. We will refuse it, so tell them no!

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But shes been shot! Amanda exclaimed.
You got a room number for that Tony Bode howd you know him? I ignored
Amandas obvious statement. No shit shes been shot! Shes also poor!
He works for a cellular company. Bode explained. He probably got the room
for a week at a time.
Yes, I I think I know who he is Ill go get his room number for the police.
Amanda quickly turned with her phone still to her ear and walked back towards the
office. I could hear sirens in the background. Quickly getting nearer.
Were going to the Urgent Care now. You go ahead and tell them. The police
can come there to question us. I explained to the two people milling around outside the
door. Wheres the closest one?
Theres one down Northport Drive right that way, the familiar white haired
old man in the group pointed. Better get going ladies, he smiled and nodded. He
walked into the room and helped Bode to her feet from the floor. Dont remember me,
do ya? He asked. I was with your uncle at the VFW we shared drinks. He smiled
again. You helped himnow Im gonna help you. Pick up the pace, Bea. He hurried
her to the car and opened the door. Anything else I can do for you, ladies?
Thank you thank you so much. I slid into the drivers side and started the
car.
He stuck his head in on Bodes side of the vehicle. Look, I know theyre looking
for you two I dont know why except your uncle told me it had something to do
with his crazy nephew but look, park around back of the Urgent Care that way the
police wont see the car I aint telling them nothing now go!

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I nodded at him, and Bode grasped his arm. Thank you, she said. I backed up
and left the lot before the police arrived. Amanda came walking out of the office looking
all crazy at the car as we pulled out of the lot.
Its not that I was trying to conceal anything I mean I knew we were going to
be questioned that afternoon anyway but damnit, Bode needed to eat before we went
to jail and one way or another that was going to happen.
Bode, who the hell was that guy who shot you? Im not asking twice either
we better get on the same page right now! Ive had enough of these secrets with you
you hear me?
He was the guy I got the crystal from at the hotel by Waukesha. She hung her
head down.
And?
And I robbed him. She looked over at me and sighed. Twirler, I really feel
lightheaded
I looked over at her and she was pale. Holy shit is there some food in that
cooler back there can you reach it you need to eat something. I watched as police
cars screamed by going the other direction, and focused my attention on the businesses
on the side of the road. A plaza came into view and I turned into the parking lot and
pulled over. Let me get you something to eat right now damn! I got out of the car
and opened the rear door and reached into the cooler. I found an old bottle of juice that
was half full, but somehow still cold. Everything in the cooler was waterlogged or
floating, and finally I found the plastic bag that held the ham sticks. Here Bode eat
these and drink this. Itll have to do for right now.

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She took them from me and heartily started stuffing the meat in her mouth.
Thanks Twirler, she said after a big swallow.
So? I asked.
She chomped on another stick and looked over at me questioningly. So what?
So what do we tell the police about Tony? A shooting Bode, must be reported by
medical staff. What are we going to say about why he was going to kill you?
He wasnt gonna kill me, Twirler. Hell, he didnt even know what he was doing.
Kill me hmph doubtful.
Well, either way it has to be addressed. I looked at her and snorted. You really
think youre something dont you? Miss Bigshot wielding a knife robbing men
threatening men and now you have a gunshot wound Oooo, look at me Im a
badass! Please. Who in the hell do you think you are?
Holy shit whats crawled up your ass?
You Bode you crawled up my ass! You have to know that that man could
have killed you and me! Dammit, Im tired of it this is not how we live! This isnt
me or you Now stop it or I swear to God, I stopped short of saying what I
wanted to say.
Or what, Twirler? Say it I need to hear it for God sake just say it! She
yelled.
Ill leave you! There, I said it! I will fucking leave you! I was shaking now with
both hands gripping the steering wheel.

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The car was suddenly silent. Very silent. I looked over at Bode after a minute, and
she looked at me. Her blue eyes revealed a hurt, a wound reopened and exposed. She
searched me with them, and then finally she spoke.
Okay, she said.
Okay? I asked with a lump in my throat afraid that she was done with me.
Yeah, okay. Okay I wont do this shit anymore. She looked at me again and
her face was wet. I aint losing you Twirler. Youre my everything. I guess I didnt
realize how I was coming off ya know I aint like that. Youre right I just really
screwed up really bad. And now its like I gotta get my head right from all that ya
know?
Oh Bode, I reached over the console and pulled her into my chest. I love you
I just fucking love your ass.
I love you too, Twirler even though you got me shot, she laughed.
Careful woman!
Okay I got myself shot is that better?
Yes, now what the hell are we going to do about it?
Uh, yeah it fucking hurts, Twirler. She flipped down the sun-visor on the car
and aimed the mirror to see her wound. She removed the towel and pulled back her shirt
to look at the hole in her skin the size of a finger-tip. We need to get off the street, and
get some dressing for this. Im not bleeding that bad, and I dont know if thats a good
thing or a bad thing.
Alright, that building on the other side of the strip mall might be the Urgent
Care. It looks like theres a backside to it. I drove across the parking lot until I could

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read the sign in front of the business. Yep, thats it. What do we tell them? I just want to
be clear on what were going to say, so I dont fuck it up. I pulled into the back behind
the building, parked, and shut off the car.
Could we tell em I accidently shot myself cleaning my gun?
Hmmm I dont know if thatll fly Do you know the caliber of gun that
was? They wouldnt believe you if you told them that and didnt know the gun.
Well shit, I think were just gonna have to deal with it, Twirler. Im in some
serious pain, and Im kinda scared. I aint never been shot. Bode looked like a child,
sitting there with a pouty lip and a worried look. Her hair was tousled and messy, and it
was curly on account she didnt get a chance to blow-dry after her shower, but to me she
was still the sexiest woman I had ever laid eyes on.
I suddenly wanted to make love to her. The realization that after we went into that
clinic I might not get to be with her for a very long time suddenly drove itself home into
my brain. Kiss me, Bode. I leaned into her face and we kissed. It felt like the first time
and she even reached her hand up and lightly touched my face, and for the second time in
my life tears ran down my face.
Aw sweetie, are those real Bode said as she wiped my face with her thumb,
and then softly kissing where she wiped.
Im going to miss you. I said.
She held my cheek in the hand she could raise. It wont be for long we will
lawyer up immediately. Remember that, okay. Dont talk until he gets to you. That Rick
Semper will be our lawyer. In fact, call him now and tell him we are going to turn

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ourselves in. That way we are protected right away, and Im sure he can call the police
and tell them we are turning ourselves in. That way it wont get violent.
Oh my God, Bode, thats a great idea. Do you have your phone?
Shit, no. Its back in the room, I think. What did you do with it when you guys
took me to the hotel? I havent seen it since then. I think it was in my coat pocket.
I got real excited when she told me it was in her coat. I think your coat is in the
back seat. I turned around in the seat but didnt see it, and once again disappointment
draped me in a cloak.
Look on the floor back there I thought I remember something on the floor.
She winced as she tried to turn but realized that the pain was too much.
I kneeled on the seat and looked over the back of it. Yes, it was there! I reached
over and was able to get a hold of the coat and pull it over and into Bodes lap. Here ya
go.
Thats great, Twirler, but could you please reach in my pocket for me and get it
gun-shot. She looked at me like she was tired of reminding me.
Sorry, I reached into the pocket and pulled out her knife. Shit! You didnt stab
anyone with this did you?
No the other pocket cmon quit messin around, Twirler. We aint got time
for this shit. Bode looked agitated, but its not like I was doing it on purpose. What if we
were caught with a knife that had blood on it? It wouldnt look very good for us. I put my
hand into the other pocket and there was her phone. I pulled it out and looked at the face.
It was off.
Damnit, I think the battery is dead.

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Just turn on the power switch. I think I turned it off when I was stalking
Douger.
Okay, okay I pressed the power button and held it in. The phone sprang to
life. Its turning on. Oh thank God!
Bode sighed, hmph. Now you thank God?
I looked at her, okay thenthank entity that is greater than me. Is that better?
At least its not hypocritical.
The phone began making sounds like crazy. I looked at the face. One-hundred
and fifty-seven missed calls. I looked at Bode and she winced.
I aint got time for it Im sure its relatives calling about J.J. or maybe
even my mom and brother. Oh hell, Im in some shit. She laid her head back against the
seat. Deans number is in there in my contacts. Call him and tell him were going in. He
can call Rick.
I found Deans phone number and hit send on the phone. Dean answered.
Dean, Hi, its Sarah.
Hi, oh my God I heard that Beatrice was shot is she alright?
Yes, for right now, but Dean we need a favor.
Okay Im listening.
We need to get Bode to a doctor, so we are going to Urgent Care. Well, you
know they have to report gun wounds. Basically, we will be caught. So can you call Rick
and ask him to call the station on our behalf and tell them we are turning ourselves in and
where we are? Its the Urgent Care on Northport Drive and Sherman. And then get him
down to the cop-shop for us?

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Oh hell! Sarah, he lives in San Diego. But I have talked to him about you two, so
he knows whats up. He said that he would love to work your case. Andwell, he was
pretty damn happy to hear from me, so I will call him and tell him its time. But Sarah, I
dont know how quick hell be able to get here. Maybe he will send a friend until he can
get to you. Just dont say anything, okay? Thats essential. Oh, and I will get your stuff
from the hotel and store it for you at my place.
Yes, alright then Dean. That would be great. Thank you so much!
Tell Beatrice to be that brutal beast that I know that she is and stay strong. Kisses
to you both!
Kisses Dean! And thanks again, bye.
Okay, its set. He is getting our stuff from the hotel, too. He said it might take a
while for him to get here, but he will take our case. He said to stay quiet, too, like you
said. Should we go in now?
Yeah Twirler. I got to tell you something. She grabbed my hand with her good
hand. I love you more than anything. I cant imagine my life without you in it. So no
matter what no matter how long I end up in prison I aint going anywhere, Twirler.
I will always be thinking of you.
I know I know I feel the same way, Bode. Dont ever worry about me
being with anyone else, ever. It is simply not an option, so I dont want you to even waste
time with worry. Promise?
I promise, sweetie. We hugged and had one last long kiss.
We better do this before we change our minds. I exited the car and went to the
passenger side to help Bode out of the car. As we walked to the front door I noticed that

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Bode was shaking. I forgot to tell you Dean said to be that brutal beast that he knows
you are. I laughed.
She laughed, too, and said, That fuckin homo I love him.
As I opened the door and walked into the clinic, the door jingled a bell chime and
the woman behind the counters face drained of color. She looked at the man in a white
coat next to her who was leaned over looking at something in front of her. She nudged
him with her elbow and when he looked at her she nodded in our direction.
Can I help you? she asked.
Yes, shes been shot.
We arent really set up to help gun-shot victims. I think you need an ambulance.
Listen here, lady. We aint armed and dangerous, and I wish you would just be a
healthcare professional and remember the oath you took to not cause any harm to a
human. I replied suddenly tired.
The man suddenly came around the counter and quickly brought up a wheelchair.
Excuse me, he said. He was a good looking guy with deep brown eyes and dark hair
cut real short, and a very muscular build. She didnt take the Hippocratic oath but I
did. Let me help you into the exam room. He glared at the receptionist as Bode sat down
in the chair. Jo Ann, Im going to assume you will let me do my work without any
disturbances? Of any kind? From anyone?
Yes, Doctor.
He rolled Bode into the back hallway and down until we reached the room that he
felt was best. The office was like any doctors office I had ever been in. Of course, there
was the smell of alcohol that was reassuring. The floor was uncarpeted and cold, as was

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the room. An exam table sat in the middle of the room with a white tissue paper covering
it. A tongue depressor canister was on the counter, along with some long handled Q-tips
in a jar. There wasnt a lot of clutter on the counters.
Im Doctor Jim. He put his hand out and I shook it. His hand was strong and
somewhat damp.
Sarah, I said.
Beatrice, Bode also shook the doctors hand.
You ladies are wanted. The police called here before you arrived, asking if you
were here. Of course you werent here yet, so we said no. My receptionist is a busy-body,
so I dont know how long until the police arrive, however I would like to treat you before
that happens. Do you agree to that?
Yes, please. Whatever you can do would be appreciated.
Put this on. He handed Bode a paper gown.
Ill get out of here for a few minutes so you can change. The thing with bullets is
that they can ricochet around in your body even if you think theyve exited. So I need to
totally examine you. He was drawing a liquid from a bottle with a syringe. Im going to
give you this shot to numb your wound and help with the pain. Are you ready for that?
He approached Bode.
Yes.
He moved Bodes shirt back and looked at the wound. Then he looked at the back
of her shoulder. It looks pretty clean just a little prick right now oh wait, are you
allergic to anything? He looked down into Bodes face and she shook her head no.

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Great, he said. He then wiped a swab around a spot by her wound and jabbed the
needle in quickly, pushing on the plunger as he did so. There, barely anything, right?
Wow, that was the most pleasant shot I ever got, Bode laughed.
Okay, you can change now. Ill give you two minutes. Go ahead and leave your
under-garments on. He turned and exited the room.
I helped Bode stand up and get her clothes off and the gown on. Then I helped her
get on the exam table. There was a light knock on the door and the Doctor came back in.
He looked all over her body and explained he was looking for signs of any other exit
wound. When he was finished he washed his hands at the sink and took out some gauze
pads from a drawer and a tube of something.
You are extremely lucky. There are two major arteries in your arm that could
have been struck by the bullet. Yours missed both. You must have an incredibly high
threshold for pain, Beatrice, yes? He asked Bode.
I had two older brothers growing up yes, you could say I have a high
threshold for pain. She smiled.
Im going to clean it out this will not hurt too bad because of the shot I gave
you, but it will feel uncomfortable. Then I will put a bandage on. Its really important that
it is cleaned and changed daily. You make sure, okay? Otherwise infection will set in and
thats the thing that could kill you. Im only telling you this to instill how important it is.
Okay? He put on a pair of latex gloves.
All right I will do my best.

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One more thing, he said as he began cleansing Bodes wound. The police are
here. I would not allow them back here. You going to be cool with that and not start
any trouble in my facility?
Yes sir, we called our lawyer to tell them where we would be. I responded. He
looked at me and smiled. Excellent, I knew you ladies were okay. He went back to
dabbing on Bodes wound.
Could I ask you something, Dr. Jim?
Sure.
Could we order a pizza?
Twirler!
Well, it couldnt hurt to ask.
The doctor laughed, I honestly dont see why you couldnt. It will take me a little
while here. Even if I finished I know how to stall. They have to allow you to get
treatment. Can you eat? He asked Bode.
I was starved before I was shot, but Im really not that hungry now. But Sarah,
on the other hand, gets real low blood sugar if she doesnt eat and thenwell lets just
say that we all pay for it. Order Rockys, please. Just in case I decide on a piece.
I will have my receptionist call for us. You dont mind if I order lunch too, do
you?
Hahahaha I laughed. I never thought Id be having lunch with a doctor. We
want supreme.
Out of curiosity the police just want you for questioning, right?
Thats right, Dr. Jim, and then this incident its Bode who was shot.

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Well then, lets eat! He picked up the phone and told his receptionist what to
order. I heard him say to her that everything is fine, and then no, they are not holding
me hostage, and please bring in the insurance and patient info sheets. He hung up and
went back to cleaning on Bodes wound. There was a knock and then the door opened
and Docs help came walking in looking sheepish.
I smiled at her, and to my surprise she smiled back.
I just have these forms for her, she nodded towards Bode. If you could fill
them out as best you could that would be great. She handed the clip-board to me.
Thank you, Jo Ann. Thats all I needed. Would you please call back here when
the food arrives, Dr. Jim said.
Youre real good people, Bode said. You know I grew up here, on this side of
town. Went to high school at East and then moved away. Bode was reminiscent.
Oh yeah huh I was raised here, too. I went away for school, South Dakota,
and then returned to care for my aging mother. I like it here. My family likes it here, too.
It seems to me that a lot of my friends from high school moved away. Surprisingly,
almost all have returned later in life. Weird, I guess, when you think of it.
They went back and forth like this for at least a half hour. It was real boring. But
the one thing that wasnt boring was when that doctor told Bode he wasnt charging her
the full price for the time she was in there. He said he had to charge some because it had
to be on record, but he was only charging her for ten minutes and for the shot of
antibiotic. Not only that, but I got my pizza, and Bode ended up eating two pieces. When
we finally felt that we had had enough pizza and freedom, we walked down the long,

246
cold, hallway holding hands. We opened the door to the waiting room and were
consumed by a sea of blue.

247
Chapter 15
Bode
We walked out into the police filled lobby of the Urgent Care, with our heads held
high. To my surprise nobody arrested us; nobody pointed guns our way, or roughed us
up. A pretty lady walked up to me and asked if I was okay. She had long, wavy, brownish
blonde hair that cascaded down her shoulders. She had a yellow button-up collared shirt
on with brown khakis and her badge stuck on the front of her pants with a belt. I wouldnt
be lying to say she was gorgeous, especially when she smiled. The women introduced
herself as Detective Anderson and then told me that they had a man in custody for my
shooting. I said I didnt want to press charges, and told her it was an accident, but she
didnt seem to want to hear that. She then said that they needed to take us down to the
City County building for questioning about J.J..
You are the women from the video, correct? Det. Anderson implored.
Yes maam. Im gonna assume that our lawyer contacted you, I said.
Youre not under arrest. Why would you need your lawyer there?
Because we do.
Are you guilty of something?
Youre a tricky lady arent you? No, I didnt say guilty, you did.
Are you telling me you cant answer questions about the shooting at the hotel or
the incident with J.J. Smith without a lawyer?
Yes, maam. I need consul before I will answer any and all questions pertaining
to these incidents.
She turned to Twirler, Is that your stance as well?

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Yes, that is my stance.
Well this changes things considerably. Youre both under arrest for impeding a
federal investigation. Cuff them and read them their rights. She said these words into the
air and two officers jumped into action.
Please are handcuffs necessary? My arm ... I looked around the room trying
to appeal to any one of the 10 or so police officers standing around the room. I was just
shot.
Cuff her in front. I wouldnt want to be accused of hurting a citizen with nothing
to hide. She said with obvious sarcasm. I decided right then and there that Det.
Anderson was not my friend, or sexy. She turned away from us and flipped her hair as
she did so, storming across the floor of the clinic and through the front door. I looked
over at Twirler and smiled.
She looks way better when shes leaving, I told Twirler. Her, and some of the
officers standing around laughed. Oh, Im sorry. That was not a sexist remark, its just
well you know her mouth Aw, never mind. I knew the officers had taken my
comment to be about her ass, but that wasnt how I meant it to come off. God knows that
I realized women didnt need to be perpetuating sexist remarks against their own kind, no
matter how vicious they were.
I know what you meant, Bode. Twirler reassured me.
I whispered to Twirler, They will try to trick you into talking by being nice
dont buy it. Nothing Twirler, okay?
Come with me, an officer grabbed Twirlers arm and began walking out the
door. I followed.

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No, you come with me. A woman officer grabbed my good arm.
We cant ride together? I asked.
No can do. The woman answered.
I love you, Twirler, I called to her.
I love you, too, she answered. I watched as she was placed in the back of the
car. I felt suddenly alone, and vulnerable.
You realize that we are victims, right? I asked the woman as she put me in the
back of her car. She didnt say a word in response. Then she got in the front seat and
buckled her seat belt and started the car. I thought maybe that since youre a woman that
maybe you could be a little sympathetic. I added.
Im not gay if thats what youre insinuating, she answered. She began to
drive away from the clinic.
Now why would I assume that? I laughed.
If youre a victim why wont you talk?
You should know the answer to that how many times have you seen a victim
made out to be the bad guy? Or should I say bad woman?
She looked at me through the rearview mirror. Our eyes met and I knew that she
knew where I was coming from. I also knew she had been wronged living in this country,
every women is. Her brown eyes turned from me and back toward the road in front of
her.
You could make it a lot easier on yourself, and your friend, if you just tell us
what happened to you, right now, so we can pursue those that have wronged you.

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I just have to make sure that they are the ones that are pursued. If you know what
I mean? I commented and turned my head to look out the window of the patrol car.
Look, you seem real familiar to me Bode? Is that your name? I just cant
place where I might have seen you.
Hmmm well, lets see maybe on one of the four television channels
running the video of me in my car out in front of the gas station? Could that be it? I was
snarky.
Cmon now theres no need to be rude to me dont shoot the messenger,
she looked at me in the rearview. I can tell youre a real funny lady, somebody who
would probably be my friend in different circumstances.
Is that so? Im not guilty of any wrong doings besides being a woman. Who
knows maybe we were friends at some point.
So you have gay friends and colored too, huh? She laughed.
Ill have you know that I dont see color in people. Thats the least of my
worries. Youre colored?
She laughed. We prefer black. Yes, Im black.
Hell, Im just repeating what you said like I said I dont refer to peoples skin
color too much maybe culture, or the country they come from but color? Hell, we
all came from some colored heritage. If you look at my skin I have a red tint to it. It
would be nice if those damn racist bastards would do some research before they go off
talking bullshit about race superiority. I shook my head in disgust.
She laughed again. Youre funny and educated. Are you from here Madison, I
mean?

251
Didnt you all run my plates? I asked. Is this some kind of an act to get me to
open up? I suddenly didnt trust this woman officer, and I glared into the mirror.
No, they couldnt see your plates in the video surveillance footage. Simmer
down you think everyone is out to hurt you, dont you?
You would too, if you had my life.
Hey now, dont think youre the only one whos had a hard life. Pahleeeez!
Hmph! She became indignant.
Maybe we would do better to just ride in silence, I said.
Maybe, she said.
I watched the sights of the town as we rode awhile in silence. I looked in the
rearview mirror a couple of times and caught her lookin each time.
Finally she broke the silence. I grew up in those apartments across the street
from the Urgent Care.
Northport Apartments? Holy shit you did have it rough. I spoke before I
could think.
So you know those apartments, huh? Just as I thought you are from here.
Youre from this side of town, too, arent you? Cmon dammit I know I know you.
How bout you tell me your name and that way I will know if we know each
other.
And you will tell me? Promise?
Yes, I promise.
Alicia Harris.

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I choked. I was shocked. She was my best friend from the 5th grade. I looked into
the rearview mirror and suddenly I could see the ten-year-old who had me laughing all
the time. I smiled. Yep, I know you. I responded.
And? she asked.
And what?
What the hell is your name? You promised. Dont you dare go back on your
word!
Oh Alicia, the only thing I promised was that I would tell you if we knew each
other and yes, we did. Hows your sister? Your ma?
This is ridiculous! Im not telling you anything until you tell me who you are.
Still the same temper, I see. Look, Im not trying to be a bitch or anything. I just
dont want my family to find anything out until I can talk to them. Especially my ma
she has dementia. I cant let them know all of this until I can explain what happened.
There was a pause. A silence between us, and then she finally spoke again. You
say we were friends? Did you trust me then? She looked directly at me now.
Yes at first. We had gone our separate ways after getting caught smoking in
the trees behind our grade school. Both of us were suspended for three days. My mother
was so angry that she told me I couldnt hang out with Alicia anymore, but that never
stopped me from having friends. I would have kept being her friend anyway. All I
remember about it was that all of a sudden we were separated, and she had a new best
friend.

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Hmmm youre really making it hard little sister. Okay, what if I promise I
wont let your identity be known until you reveal it? You can trust me, especially because
of your reason. I would never want to hurt somebodys family.
Why is it so important to know who I am? I asked.
Because I can feel that I was your friend. Because I need to know because
Aw hell, I cant explain it. Youre just so damn familiar!
Beatrice Shriner.
She smiled and pulled into the parking lot of the Burger King. Beatrice, she said
softly. She turned around in her seat and faced me with a big smile plastered across her
face. Aw girl, I see it now damn, youre so pretty. What in the hell have you gotten
yourself into here?
I laughed, It is good to see you. You were always the pretty one. You havent
aged a year since I last saw you. I think you have done real good for yourself you
know being a cop and all. Do you like it?
It pays the bills. It was the best I could do after the military. I enjoy helping
people. Really thats all I take from it. I dont care for locking good people up. But what
is going on with you, Bea? Why are you sitting in the back of a squad car with a bullet
wound and your face plastered all over the news? Girl, I know you can get into some
trouble, but this is uncharacteristic of the Beatrice I grew up with.
Alicia, its been a long, long, time since you and I. Im afraid you dont know
whats characteristic of me anymore. I looked down, and then away from her. I was
suddenly sad. When youre a kid there are so many possibilities shit, all we did was
laugh and laugh and laugh. But those were different times.

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Tell me, Bea. I will just listen. I wont judge you I promise. My word is
good.
There was another long break from talking while I considered her proposition.
Really what was the worst that could happen? Even if they knew my name the police
couldnt talk about it for at least a while. By that time, I will have talked to my family,
and talked to my lawyer. I decided to trust her.
Okay then well, that man that was shot I looked at her and she nodded.
That was my cousin, J.J. Smith. He was not the best man in the world ya know he
had some problems with family. And well I went to his church on Sunday to
confront him about some things hed done to family and well and Ill be damned if
he didnt grab a gun and start hauling ass after me and his wife, too. So we bee-lined it
the hell outta there, and that son-of-a-bitch followed us! We stopped at that gas station
and well shit we didnt know that he was coming for us until it was too late. There
was the State Trooper inside, and J.J. just came out of his car with the gun and we all ran
for cover.
Oh my God, Beatrice! You must have been so scared!
Hell yeah, we were scared! But I was on a mission, too. I needed to get back to
Madison I wasnt thinkin clearly so when that Trooper shot J.J., I just bolted. I
didnt have time for all the messy questions and dealing with family by God, I would
have been delayed for a week, at least, and I had an urgent matter to tend to. Well, at least
I thought it was.

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Aw Beatrice, that shit there was careless. So you just left that preachers wife to
deal with it all? You should be ashamed of yourself. Family comes first. Dont you
believe like that?
I know I know. Im awfully ashamed of letting Denise handle it all on her
own. Damn. Alicia, Ive just made such a mess of everything. Hell, that aint even the
worst of it
Oh no, Im afraid to ask. Wait a minute, Beatrice. Please dont tell me about
some crime that isnt already known, alright? I wouldnt be able to lie if they put me on
the stand. She looked seriously at me and put her hand out in front of her like a stop
sign. I dont understand why you wont tell the police about this, though. Clearly, you
are a victim.
Oh Im going to, Alicia. I dont want to start talking though, because one thing
will lead to another, unfortunately. Thats why I need my lawyer there with me.
So youre telling me theres more.
Yes.
Oh shit. And let me guess you werent a victim in it?
Mmmmm well, some of it. I will say this much someone else was being a
victim, and I saved them.
Howd you get shot, Beatrice?
Now that that was an accident.
Really people just show up around you with guns in their hand and then they
go off? Seriously? She shook her head. Youre gonna hafta to better than that, Bea.

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Well, I wronged him. Plain and simple, and he wanted back what I took from
him. I mean I know I havent done everything straight up and by the book. I done
wrong. I started using again. I looked at her for some kind of sign that she was judging
me, but she just sat patiently listening to me. We were on our way to New York to
protest at the Occupy movement and a memory from the past got me all worked up I
dont know I just started remembering something that happened to me something
bad and I just kinda well shit I lost my mind, alright.
Do you mean a recovered memory?
I guess soI didnt remember it happening until an event triggered it and made
it come to my mind the memory was strong and overwhelming. I think it made me
crazy. I began tearing up thinking about my brother Bryce and the event that was
revealed to me just a mere two days before. I didnt really have time to think about it til
now. Well, the way I remembered it and the way things really were, were two
different things entirely.
That sounds like P-T-S-D to me, Bea. Girl, are you okay now?
I dont knowI havent really had time to deal with it all. What did you call it?
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Its common with soldiers and those living in a
war-torn place. But other people get it too. Like, lets say that you were a rape victim, or
watched somebody die in a horrific way, or lived your life being abused by someone.
Those are just a few examples of it. Its a medical condition that affects a person
mentally. Ive known a lot of soldiers who have come back from Iraq suffering with it. It
used to be Vietnam vets, now they understand it better, and realize that when something
bad happens to a person they shut down the memories so they can deal with what has

257
happened without breaking down. Its like protection for the mind. The only problem is,
is that a trigger can bring the memories back just like the event happened yesterday. Aw
honey, if you have that you need to make damn sure you tell your lawyer. You know
what Beatrice? Girl, youre doing the right thing. Im gonna start driving againbut
listen to me, she paused and made sure I was paying attention to what she said. I will
come and see you, and Beatrice, Im going to help you if I can. Thats a promise.
Why, Alicia? Why would you help me?
Look, we were good friends, you and I. I dont really know why that stopped,
but I remember that I was happy hanging out with you and for some reason I feel
guilty about the way we ended. So after you talk to your lawyer then you can talk to
me, right?
Yes, I can. Im just not sure that I want to drag you into this.
Beatrice, please just let me help you if I can. It cant hurt to have a friend on the
inside.
Is that what you are a friend?
Yes, definitely. So, no back-talk from my prisoner. She turned around in her
seat and smiled into the rearview mirror. I smiled back. It seemed like maybe things were
looking up.

When we arrived at the copshop, Alicia removed me from the back taking care
not to injure my arm. She whispered to me, Im going to pretend like I dont know you.

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Then she straightened me out to walk into the station. She walked me inside and directed
me to a holding room. Once inside she took off my cuffs and told me to sit down and
relax, and that someone would be in shortly to process me. The room was empty except
for a bench connected to one wall. The walls were a light yellow color and had a mirror
on one side of it. The bench was a cold, polished, steel and when I sat down it chilled me
to the bone.
With time to think, I began reflecting on the last few days. I knew that I could
honestly say that getting shot was not the worst thing that ever happened to me. It was a
distraction from the previous melee, but it definitely was not the worst. Remembering
that my brother sexually assaulted me was the worst. Someone I trusted had harmed me,
and now I needed to figure out how I would deal with it. Then the images of my cousin
J.J. came to my mind, lying in a parking lot with blood pooling all around him. I had
thought that the love of Christ would save his family from the torment in his soul; the
memory of his wrong that haunted him and his sister. But it didnt. Facing his sin seemed
to make things explode. Who was helped by his death? Not his daughter who would
never see him again. Not his mother who had to live with the guilt of maybe being a bad
parent. Not his sister who now also had guilt because of his one wrong move when he
was fifteen had left him dead. And not his wife who loved him despite his mistake. One
miscalculation by a young J.J. in the throes of puberty caused all this pain and suffering
in one family, so what would be the outcome in mine? Did it even matter anymore? I
mean in the grand scheme of it all, who would benefit from me making a scene about it?
My own mother already carried the guilt of Bobbies death; did I really believe that she
could handle more guilt?

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And then there was Bryce. He already separated himself from the rest of us
even from my dads side of family like he was in some kind of bubble. What could I
hope to accomplish by confronting him, and more importantly what would be my
motive? I was convinced that no good would come from it. I would deal with it inside
myself. Seek out counseling. He would have to deal with his issues about it on his own.
The problem was how to make sense of my craziness after the killing if I couldnt tell the
police about my PTSD, and the cause of it. How did I justify my behavior? I didnt know,
but hopefully it would come to me.
After about a half an hour sitting alone, in my own thoughts, Det. Anderson came
sauntering into the holding area. Hello. Are you doing okay? Feeling pretty good about
your decision?
Yes, maam, I am, I stated flatly.
Good, good. I just thought Id ask if you have changed your mind about
questioning it sure would be more comfortable for you to sleep in a hotel bed tonight,
wouldnt it?
No maam, Im perfectly fine here. I defiantly met her eye.
Okey dokey, Ill go forward with processing then. I dont suppose Ill get a
name?
You already got my fuckin name Beatrice Shriner. Dont act like its some
fuckin surprise Her bad attitude with me was getting real old. Somebody wronged
you real bad, huh lady? I glared again.
Beatrice Shriner, you say? Hmmm and your friend?

260
Sarah Verner. Havent you talked to our lawyer? What is this why are you
playing dumb?
Im sorry, but your lawyer has not arrived. Who should we be expecting?
Rick Semper, I spat at her.
Hmmm rings a bell, I guess. You must be something, Beatrice. Yes, really
special to illicit that kind of lawyer. My guess is that you have really fucked up. She
smiled and leaned sideways on the wall, her arms crossed in front of her.
Oh my God what the fuck is wrong with you?
I can assure you that I am fine. The bigger question, Beatrice Shriner, is what the
hell is wrong with you? Why are guns being discharged in your presence? Hmmm?
Youre pushing it, lady. I know my rights and I asked for a lawyer. You
are harassing me. Be careful
A threat? Really? she laughed. Well see the tune youre humming after a
couple of days this isnt the Ritz Carlton, she scoffed.
Excuse me?
I can tell that you expect to be comfortable here you may be disappointed
with your accommodations. She turned away from me and flipped her hair, again.
She reached for the door handle and I said, You know that I dont have a record
bitch please I aint scared of you. And you know what else? I stood up. Im a
survivor theres nothing you can throw at me that I cant overcome so fuck you!
She turned and looked at me. Our eyes met and I did not look away.

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In all honesty, I was scared. I had never been in jail before. I had an old girlfriend
who had been in prison for writing bad checks. She told me it was one of the best
experiences she had ever had ever. Not that she was the brightest color in the crayon
box but she wasnt someone who was nave, either. She seemed well adjusted to me
but my old best friend from those days called her Donkey Kong. I think it was on
account of her looks and not her brain. I thought it was mean to make fun of someone
because of looks, but hell, I laughed all the same. Back before Twirler, I had a lot of one
night stands, and in a drunken, drugged out state of mind I didnt always make the
best decisions. I mean an ex-con, really? What the hell was I thinking? Anymore, in these
times, I didnt think it was all that bad to be an ex-convict with the war on drugs, a lot
of my old friends had spent time in jail, and more and more, if you were poor, you had
been in jail one time or another.
Even Twirler had spent time in jail. It was total bullshit but she had been there
just the same. Her mother kicked her out of the house for getting drunk, and then she
called and reported her as a runaway. She was seventeen but in small town Nebraska
they didnt have a separate holding cell for juveniles. Poor girl spent a week in a cold and
dark cell for a week. No wonder she refused to cry life had not been her friend before
she met me. The woman could spit nails into a metal crate and they would stick, thats
how tough she was. Let that bitch, Detective Anderson threaten me, I was bound and
determined to fight back. She had no idea what we had been through none. And
furthermore, she needed to be a kinder woman to her own. I mean here she was a
woman in power and she was belittling her own and seeming to take pleasure from it.
It was despicable! She had no idea of our lives Twirler and I who we loved, who

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loved us what we liked, or disliked how we hurt, or thrived she was not our
judge and jury! I would see to that one way or another.
After about another ten minutes, a woman officer came in and walked me into the
processing area. First, she led me through the process of finger-printing. Then I had to
answer some questions and they took my mug-shots. Next, the woman led me into a
private room and told me to strip down naked. Bend over, she ordered and proceeded
to check me for contraband. I was thoroughly humiliated. She threw a jumpsuit at me and
told me to put my bra and panties back on and the jumpsuit. She then led me into another
room with a counter and an array of phones sitting on it. In this room there were other
inmates on phones, and it was loud with talking.
You are allowed one call. Do you have someone to call?
I tried to think of phone numbers that I could remember off the top of my head.
Cell-phones had deadened my ability to remember phone numbers on account that you
just had to push one button and all your contacts were right there in front of you.
Normally, I would have just called Twirler if I needed anything but Twirler was here
too. I really needed to contact someone in my family, anyone but my mother. The last
number I dialed was Deans and I thought I could remember his. I picked up the phone
and dialed. To my relief, I got the number right.
Hello?
Dean?
Yes, Beatrice thank God are you alright?
Yesfor nowwere you able to contact Rick? Whats going on? The detective
is acting like she never heard from him.

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Hes on his flight right now, Bea. He called the precinct and talked with an
officer hang on, let me get the sheet I wrote it down on to make sure I tell you right
lets see Oh, here it is Detective Jenny Anderson, shes leading the investigation on
J.J. Smith.
That bitch! She is pretending that she never talked to him and she has placed
Sarah and I under arrest for impeding a federal investigation for not talking without our
lawyer.
Oh no, Beatrice. I will tell Rick it shouldnt be too much longer until he gets
here. He wants to make it while the courts are still open, so he can file an injunction on
your behalf. Im supposed to pick him up at the airport at 4:45pm. Hold tight woman, I
will tell him all of this for you.
Theres another thing could you do me a huge favor? I couldnt remember
anyone in my familys phone number to call and let them know whats going on. Could
you call information in Minneapolis and get the phone number for Bryce Shriner and call
him for me? Just tell him that Im in jail for not talking about the stuff with J.J., our
cousin, and that when I call he needs to accept charges for the call. Can you do that for
me?
No problem, Bea. I will do that right now. Take care sweetie.
Thanks Dean, Ill do the best I can. Ill hopefully talk to you later. I hung up
feeling better that Dean would call my brother and knowing that Rick was on his way. It
seemed wrong that that Detective Anderson was not being more cooperative with me. I
looked over at my escort and nodded to her.

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She then took me into the cell-block. In movies you always see inmates hanging
out of the bars and screaming slurs and sexual innuendo at newbies, well, it wasnt like
that at all. It was pretty quiet as she led me down the row and to my cell because the
rooms were not open, but had big plexi-glass openings along the side of metal doors. The
metal doors all had slots in the middle of them that looked like mail slots. I looked for
Twirler in the rooms as we walked by them but didnt catch a glimpse of her.
Has Sarah been processed yet? I asked the officer.
Yes she has, she responded as she stopped in front of a cell and unlocked the
door. Youre alone for now I dont expect it to stay that way for long. Dinner is in
two hours. Until then enjoy the quiet while you can.
For the next two hours I sat and thought about freedom.

I was dozing off when I heard the keys clinking against the door and it opened.
My arm had begun to throb, and it was easier to fall asleep than to try to get someones
attention. Beatrice Shriner, your lawyer is here. I stood up for the Officer to shackle
me. I couldnt understand why this was necessary, other than the fact that Det. Anderson
was trying to break me. The male officer escorted me to a small room and was about to
leave me there when my lawyer spook up.
Hey there, unchain my client. This is excessive force on a docile, nonviolent
offender who does not have a prior record. Rick Semper stood up when I entered the
room. He had a gray suit on with a light purple shirt and a dark gray tie. His hair was dark
and peppered with white, cut short in the front, and was longer towards the back. His

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eyes were kind and bright. The officer unlocked my shackles and removed them and then
exited the room.
Hello Beatrice. He held out his hand and I grabbed it and held it for a while. He
smiled and did not release until I did. How are you getting along? Hows your arm? Im
sorry I didnt make it in time to get you out for tonight, but I couldnt control the flight
unfortunately.
Rick, I will be fine. Its Sarah who needs to get out of here. She hasnt done a
damn thing wrong. Not one
I will work on it but first I need to assess where you are at as far as laws that
have been broke or perceived to have been broken by authorities, and then Dean said that
you have a crime to confess? Is this true? Because this might affect things, Beatrice.
Well, yes, it is true. I sat down at the table, and Rick followed suit sitting across
from me.
I need for you to tell me everything Im going to tape it, so I dont miss
anything if you dont mind. Then I will interview Sarah as well. Whenever youre ready
we can get started.
Two and a half hours later, I had told him the happenings of the last ten days. He
shook his head and put his hands in his hair, running his fingers through it until it was
standing up. I laughed, That bad, huh Rick?
No. No. He looked at his notes with a pained look on his face. Then he looked
up at me. Heres the deal Im going to go and talk to Sarah. Then we need to have a
meeting with the prosecuting attorney and the Detective on your case. We will work out
some deal. What is the ideal outcome for you?

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Twirler and I are free. Thats the ideal. If that cant be done then she needs to be
free with no trial. No trial, Rick. She aint going through that again.
What do you mean, again?
I touched on it briefly you know her rape when she was younger.
Oh yesthe date-rape. He put his hands in the air making quote marks as he
said the words.
She reported that rape, and her lifestyle was put on trial like she was guilty of
being too sexy. I dont care if she was naked and dry-humpin the bumper of a car she
didnt deserve to be raped. But thats what they insinuated thats what they did to her.
She was ruined in that town ruined for a long time after it. I will do anything to stop
that from happening again. I will go to prison, I paused for emphasis. Am I making
myself clear?
His eyes met my eyes and held for more than a minute, and then he finally spoke.
Wow, Beatrice. I wish I had someone to love me as much as you love Sarah. Yes, you
are clear.
And another thing, I paused. She cant know that thats what Im doing.
What? But why?
She would never agree to it, Rick. She wouldnt let me be the sacrifice to save
her twice. Cause thats how she would see it. I know how she thinks.
Hopefully we wont have to make that choice, Beatrice. It all depends on the
prosecution and their willingness to make a deal. I will do the best I can. He collected
his notes and his tape recorder and knocked on the door. We will talk tomorrow,
Beatrice. Make sure you get some medical attention for that shoulder. I forgot to tell you

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Dean talked to your brother, and hes waiting for your call. Heres the phone number.
He laid it on the table. An officer came in to remove me from the room. She began to
shackle me. Hey now why is she being shackled? Who ordered that? Rick stood up.
Detective Anderson relayed to us that she is a dangerous inmate prone to
violence. The officer answered as she clicked shut the restraints.
Please be gentle with my client she is a victim of a gun-shot wound and needs
medical attention like now.
Ill see to it, sir. The officer answered and loosened her grip on my arm. She
walked me to my cell and told me she would schedule a doctors appointment for the next
morning, and left me alone once again.
Sleep that night was fitful. R.J.s face haunted my few moments of sleep I did
grab. I awoke in fear from a nightmare. In it, I was at the river, standing at the edge. R.J.
came walking outjust like hed been walking along the bottom in the muck and came
up from his path. His skin was falling from his bone and he smiled at me as he came
forward. He kept saying to me Who got who, who got who, who got who? And when
his face reached mine I could smell the rot of river stink coming from his mouth and see
the worms moving behind his eyes. It frightened me and I jerked awake, relieved to be
free of his dead image. I began to pray, but then remembered that it was prayer that had
led me down this path and I resisted turning to God. I felt like I was in-between two
states of consciousness; one where I knew that God had led me to where I supposed to be,
and another that no longer trusted a world so full of evil being controlled by a loving, and
benevolent God. What if I didnt pray and believe anymore and I was wrong? What if
God does allow all this evil to exist for some greater purpose and Im too blind and nave

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to understand? On the other hand, what if I have been wrong all along? Why would God
lead me to believe that I was doing his work when I set out with a plan to kill men who
had wronged me? And worse yet, what if I actually had killed a man like I had planned?
Nothing made sense to me in regards to my faith in God. The one thing that I never
thought I would question was my faith in God, but I didnt have it anymore and I knew it.
As I laid there in the dark I realized that jail cells at night are more revealing than
in the day time. Night, when the lights were out was when you heard the secret fears
cried out from the desperate, the lonely, and the abandoned women inside the cells. Their
sobs scared me worse than any detective leveling threats at me, or gun to the face could
ever do. Their sobs were simply terrifying.

The next day I was allowed to eat in the commons with the rest of the women and
I was allowed to see my Twirler. We sat together and ate breakfast. A few of the ladies
sat by us curious as to what our story was. They laughed and called us outlaws, because
of our faces being splattered all over the news. Some of the women had been in jail for
more than three months just waiting for their trial date. Most of the ladies I talked to were
in for drugs, and sadly most were Black or Hispanic and from bad neighborhoods, and
trying to make a living in a shitty economy. Who could live on part time wages from
Walmart or Burger King?
Finally the women calmed down enough for Twirler and I to talk amongst
ourselves. Last night was horrible sleeping without you, Twirler. I said.
Mine too. I missed you terribly.
Did you talk to Rick Semper?

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Yes. He is so nice. I think he was getting annoyed with me, though.
Whys that?
I kept thanking him for helping us
Aw Twirler, thats sweet, though. He couldnt be annoyed at that hes too
good a man to get angry at someone appreciating all his hard work. I laughed at her.
You will also be getting a letter from me the next time you see him.
What?
I missed you so bad, and I had no idea when I would be able to see you again.
Aw Twirlerthat is just so sweet. I love you. I grabbed her hand briefly and
quickly released before it could be seen by any guards. She smiled and squeezed my
hand, too.
Im going to the doctor today and Im guessing that we will meet with Detective
Anderson with Rick Semper to divulge our secret. Please let him do the talking or look to
him to see if you can answer a question she poses to you. Im scared of that woman,
Twirler. She gives me a bad feeling. Has she been harassing you?
She came into the holding room before I was processed and asked if I had
changed my mind about talking thats it. Why, what has she done to you?
Once we ask for a lawyer shes supposed to leave us alone she basically said
that Rick had not talked to her, and lied. Then she was threatening to me. Just be careful
okay?
Twirler nodded.
Do you have a roommate?
Yes shes alright. Quiet. She is young and scared.

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Has anybody bothered you?
No not one problem. Do you have a roommate?
Nope although they are threatening ones coming, I laughed.
We continued to talk while we could. I wanted to soak in Twirlers words, not
knowing when I might hear them again. We laughed but not too loud, on account that
we still had not been formerly charged and ears were everywhere. After ten minutes of
visiting, a CO came in to collect me.
Beatrice Shriner? Come with me.
I took one last look at Twirler and mouthed I love you and winked. She responded
the same and I carried her face with me as long as I could keep it there.
The officer took me to a holding room and shackled my hands and feet, and we
exited out a series of doors and out to a grey van which said Dane County Jail on the side
panel. Great, now everyone will be gawking at the inmate, I thought. The officer helped
me in the van and closed the door and then knocked on the side panel to let the driver
know that I was inside and ready to go. The driver waved into the air to acknowledge the
knock and put the van in drive. When we arrived at the edge of the driveway, the driver
turned around and smiled; it was Alicia!
Hey, Beatrice, she said.
Her smile made me laugh. I said, Youre a stalker.
I know, right? I can be scary when I set my head on something. How was your
first night?
It sucked. But Ill live.

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You know Bea there are worse places to be incarcerated. Our jail has many
programs for inmates. All kinds of meetings and support groups to help people cope and
to help you reintegrate into society. It makes for happier prisoners. Happier prisoners
mean less chance of you and your friend getting hurt. I feel pretty good knowing youre
here and not somewhere else.
Im glad you feel good about it but whats up with that Detective Anderson?
She is not trying to make my stay comfortable actually the opposite is true.
Shes not from here, Bea. Shes affiliated with the State Troopers who came here
first for the shooting at the State park, and then stayed because of the body they found in
the Mississippi. I had never dealt with her until then.
Hmmmm lucky me. Basically she was brought here on my account. I
commented before I had thought, and Alicia looked at me with a dread and surprise
through the mirror. Well, at least partially for me. I tried to recover but it was too late.
Beatrice, please dont tell me that the body from the river has something to do
with you.
Okay.
Okay, what?
Okay, I wont tell you that.
Oh Lord, she said. Once again she pulled the vehicle over and into a parking
lot. This time, we parked in a McDonalds lot. What in the hell, Beatrice? Alicia
exclaimed. How am I supposed to help a murderer? What have you done?
I saved my girlfriends life. I calmly answered.
What? What do you mean?

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I felt suddenly desperate. Desperate for her to know I was not a bad person. He
he was a monster a creature he was raping her and I well, I I stopped
him. How can it be wrong? Answer me! How in the hell can I be a criminal when I saved
her life, I answered putting my face into my hands and openly sobbing.
Oh Beatrice, honey, Im so sorry. This was what you were talking about the
event which spurred your PTSD the reason why you started using. Wasnt it?
I nodded my head as I kept my face hidden from her eyes.
You told your lawyer, then?
I nodded again still crying into my hands.
What did he say, Bea? What did your lawyer say?
I sniffed and raised my head. She searched the van and finally found a tissue and
handed it to me. I blew my nose and wiped at my tears before answering her. He said
involuntary manslaughter but maybe they would let me free on account that the man
might have a previous record for sexual assault it would depend on the prosecuting
attorney how they saw it. But Im worried because we hid it we were so frightened
to go through all of the questioning the insinuations that we did something to cause
it.
Oh Beatrice I am so sorry. You poor thing. I just feel so bad for you. She
shook her head. After a while she asked, Do you have proof of the rape?
Twirler and Is word. She has a knife wound on her throat where he held that
knife as he tried to penetrate her. But I stopped him before he could totally defile her. I
clubbed him with a log to his nose. I wasnt trying to hit his nose but he turned his

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head as it swung and it connected in the most deadly place of all the luck. I was trying
to get him off of her not kill him.
Youre right its not fair. If you were a man you would be out already. Im
not sitting still for this, Beatrice. No, Im not allowing this injustice to happen. You will
be free. I give you my word. Youll be free. She turned around in her seat and put the
van in gear and began driving toward a better future.

Before Alicia had brought me back to the jail, she had given me her phone
number and told me to try to keep in touch. She told me that Twirler and I would
probably be transferred to face charges in La Crosse County, since that was where the
crime took place. She told me she would look into records on R.J. to see if he had any
kind of criminal record. I told her that he said his name was Rocky Joe after his pappy.
I gave her Ricks phone number and told her that he could probably use the help because
he had not lived in the area for a long time and might not have the connections that she
had. Alicia reassured me that she was on it and to keep my faith before escorting me back
into the jail.
I felt a sense of relief just knowing that someone who actually knew me was on
my side. I could smile despite the circumstances, but I also knew that I better not look too
happy. Especially once word got to the press about how the body ended up in the river.
Every move I make in public after that point will be up for scrutiny by anyone wanting to
make an example of me, or use my experience for some campaign promise. People
usually didnt stand a chance once their trial went to the media. Unless of course your

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cause was the one people were fighting at the time. Maybe me and Twirlers fight would
be worthy. One could never be sure.
When I entered the jail I was quickly moved into another room. Inside this room
was Rick Semper, Detective Anderson, and another fancy looking woman that I had
never seen before.
Come sit down over here next to me Beatrice Rick said. He then turned to
Det. Anderson. Why is my client constantly shackled? She is not violent. I have a huge
problem with the way she is being treated here.
Standard policy, Mr. Semper. I can assure you were not picking on your client.
Det. Anderson said.
Hows your shoulder, champ? Rick asked. He looked concerned.
The doctor said it was beginning to heal already. Is Sarah coming to this
meeting?
They would like to talk to you separately first just remember what I told you
last night no answers without my direction. I will nod my head for yes, and shake it
for no when you dont need to answer.
I am the District Attorney for La Crosse County, Sherri Gereaux. I was told that
you have information on a case in our county. Thats why I am here. I was also told that
you are willingly supplying this information and not by coercion by any member of law
enforcement. Is this correct?
I looked at Rick and he nodded. Yes maam, that is correct.
I am also required to tell you that I am taping this session. Is that okay with
you?

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Again, I looked to my side at Rick, and again he nodded. Yes, thats fine.
Okay Beatrice, please proceed with your statement.
In the early morning hours, on Sunday, October twenty-third, I accidently killed
a man in defense of my girlfriend, Sarah Verner, I paused and looked at Detective
Anderson. She was smiling triumphantly at me. I continued, She was being raped by a
man we had met earlier while at a campsite off of the river and he had a knife held to her
throat while being on top of her. I swallowed hard and looked at Rick.
He patted my hand, Its alright Beatrice, go on.
I felt like her life was in danger, and in an attempt to get him off of her, I
grabbed a log for my defense. I snuck up behind him and saw that he had his hand over
Sarahs mouth and was trying to get his penis to penetrate her vagina with his hand in her
vaginal area. I raised the log to club him with it and thats when he turned his head to
look at me and well, the log connected with his nose in an upward sweeping motion
Im not a doctor, but I saw what it did to him. I stopped talking as tears collected in
my eyes. Im not a killer. It was an accident.
So, Beatrice, the D.A. began. If it truly was an accident, then why didnt you
just report the crime? Why did you put his body in the river and cover-up the act for 10
days?
Because when youre poor and a woman I began, but Rick put his hand up.
Beatrice stop!
No, Rick you mean I cant tell them my defense I cant tell them why?
Its simply not necessary at this point my client protected her partner in a case
of rape. Plain and simple. We are willing to make a plea agreement for Beatrice Sarah

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was not involved in the manslaughter we expect charges to be dropped in lieu of
Beatrices statement and admission of guilt in the accident. And it was an accident.
What kind of plea are you thinking, Mr. Semper?
You tell me Miss Gereaux, what can we give Beatrice for the whole story; for
saving tax payers in La Crosse County the cost of a lengthy trail, and the cost of an
investigation? What would you be willing to offer her?
May I speak to you, Sherrie? Det. Anderson asked.
They walked out of the room and I turned to Rick, Shes gonna fuck me, Rick.
Take it easy Beatrice negotiation is normal. Dont give away too much at first
and see where it takes you. The hard part is well, I better not say anythingthe
recorder is still running. Just hold tight.
When they walked back in, the D.A. sat down at the table across from me, but
Det. Anderson began pacing in front of the table.
Beatrice do you hate all men? Or is it just straight men? She asked suddenly
coming down in front of my face with her own.
What? I said. She had caught me off guard. No, no, I dont hate men.
Tony Erickson what did you do to him to make him so enraged that he went
out and got a gun to confront you with?
Huh?
Tony Erickson the man who shot you what did you do to him?
I looked at Rick and he nodded for me to tell her. His girlfriend said she had
some good coke and, well, it had been a while since I had done that well hell I
just wanted to numb myself out from the terrible incident at the river, so I bought a teener

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from her cept it wasnt coke I found out after doing a line it was crystal meth
and I was pissed off and went to his hotel room to get my money back. And thats what I
did I got my money back from him.
Yes, and how did you persuade Mr. Erickson to give you a refund? Hmmmm?
She smiled into my face again.
My stomach sank and I looked at Rick.
Rick knew the implication of this testimony and spoke up, Was some kind of a
deal made with Mr. Erickson for his testimony against my client? We have the right to
know. He shot Beatrice are you going to say that this event was in some way
justified?
I dont know Mr. Semper was it justified?
Detective Anderson, is use of a gun justifiable on an unarmed person? What kind
of ruse are you attempting here?
She suddenly relinquished her attack on me and looked away from the both of us.
The D.A. decided to speak up, Beatrice, maybe I could word this better when you
went to get your refund from Mr. Erickson for the bad drug deal did you use a
weapon to convince Mr. Erickson that a refund was due to you?
I pounded on the table and stood up. Im a woman, Goddamnit!! Am I just
supposed to let people run all over me because of it? I fumed. Havent you sons-abitches heard WERE THE WEAKER SEX!
Rick stood up and grabbed my arm, Beatrice! and both women backed up to a
corner of the room. A CO came running in, and Rick rushed to calm everyone. Its okay
right Beatrice? Everyone just calm down were okay here. He turned and looked

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at the two women and then back to the CO. He looked calm as he took my arm and sat
down, coaxing me into my seat as he did so.
I sat down. I apologize for getting emotional on you, I trailed off in my
thoughts. I wanted to explain to say more I knew it would get me riled up again so
I stayed silent and docile.
Its alright, the D.A. nodded to the CO. We are fine. She waited for the CO to
leave and turned back to me. Detective Anderson told me that you said the incident with
Tony Erickson at your hotel was an accident will you please explain what you mean
by that, Beatrice?
I looked at Rick and he nodded, so I proceeded to tell her, He wasnt planning on
using the gun. He was just angry with me. Twirler I mean Sarah was scared when
she saw he had a gun and well she went to get it from him by poking him in the
eyes first, and then grabbing it from him well, it just kind-of went off. Thats an
accident. I looked into her eyes for some kind of sign that she understood, but was met
with a blank stare.
Okay, so now I understand what you mean by an accident. Then let me get this
straight was it also an accident when you went to his hotel room in Waukesha with a
knife and held him up for the amount of $100? She asked calmly.
Rick Semper became angry and stepped in to the questioning. What are you
trying to prove here? Just what exactly are you getting at with this line of questioning?
Mr. Semper, your client is not as innocent as she is trying to come off to be. I
dont know if a deal will be possible given these dangerous allegations that are coming in
on her actions.

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Coming in? From who and where? Are these witnesses even reputable? Full
disclosure Miss Gereaux.
Very well, you want full disclosure Sunday morning she stormed into
Waukesha Open Bible Church and disrupted the service of J.J. Smith and provoked him
to pursue her from the church with a shotgun. Witnesses have come forward who were at
the service and witnessed Beatrice walking down the aisle as though she were some
Messiah in black, come to save the minister from some unknown sin but they
speculated it had something to do with his wife who was in the service with a fresh blackeye. Who is J.J. Smith to you, Beatrice?
Thats my cousin, I answered.
And the episode at the church? What was that all about?
Well, I promised my aunt that I would talk to her son about a private family
matter. I knew I needed to make an impact on him and wellI guess thats what I
did.
Hmph, she responded. That is an understatement. What exactly was this matter
you discussed with him?
I looked over at Rick and he nodded. You know whatno. No! This is a family
matter its private I already said that. I was exasperated. I was not going to put my
family through the pain of having every person in America knowing our private business.
Beatrice, I was under the impression that you wanted to make a deal?
Im not selling my soul to the devil to escape a little jail time, I responded. J.J.
went and got a shotgun, not me thats clear to you, right? The officer shot him because
he had a gun and was cocked and loaded with it not me. What part of this is confusing

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you? I am not responsible for his actions! The only thing I did wrong was leaving the gas
station after his crazy act Im willing to pay for that.
Im afraid my client is right, ladies. She has answered your questions about what
happened prior to J.J.s shooting. You cant possibly be trying to hold her responsible for
her cousins actions that day. Lets move on.
What about the wifes black-eye? She told me she was with you the day before
the incident, Beatrice.
That was there when I walked into the church, but it wasnt there when I dropped
her off that morning what do you think happened? There was a half hour time period
between when she walked in, and I did. Maybe she hit a door frame? Or lets see
she opened a door into her face? Maybe her little daughter got pissed off and hauled off
and hit her! For Gods sake, what do you think happened to her? I raised my voice,
again. I was shaking with rage. I pointed at Detective Anderson and the D.A., You two
youre women what is wrong with you? Why are you doing this? Tears began to
roll down my face; I couldnt control it anymore.
What is the this that youre accusing us of? Det. Anderson asked wide-eyed.
I dont care anymore Rick Im speaking my mind. I explained to him. Then I
turned to the detective and with my elbow on the table and I pointed my finger at her.
You werent always this strong something happened to you to make you strong
and Im not denying your strength but I can almost guarantee that there has been
people in your life that have questioned it men and women and I want you to
remember what that felt like. Have you ever been held down? Have you ever had a dick
pushed into you when you said no, by someone you trusted? Have you ever been laughed

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at when you tried to push back because you were just so damn weak? Have you been
taunted and teased, sexualized and diminished, or beaten down and defeated, because
youre a woman? I paused and looked from one to the other. You dont need to answer
I already know so my question is this how can you possibly fault me, for
fighting back?
They looked at me and remained silent. Detective Anderson got up and paced the
room for a minute. The District Attorney cleared her throat like she was going to speak,
but then said nothing. Then, after another moment she looked directly at me and spoke
quietly, What is it you want, Beatrice?
I want Sarah to be let loose no charges. I will face
Hold on, Bea, Rick interrupted. We havent discussed this yet. She isnt
educated in law and its highly unlikely that she understands her rights to answer this
question on her own without my counsel. Could we have a moment alone, please, without
the tape recorder on? He pointed at it, and the D.A. reached over and turned it off. They
both exited the room.
Are you sure about this Beatrice? No trial? Because Im sure I could get you off
if we even said we were going to trial, once they started looking at the evidence. We have
the sweatpants with the DNA of Rocky Joe. Alicia just texted me while we were in here
that he has priors not sexual assault but a record of run-ins with law enforcement
from a very early age. Beatrice, we could win.
How long would a trial last one year two years? What would I have to give
up to defend myself? My familys private life? Twirlers private life, once again, would
be an open book. My own life under a microscopeno. I dont want it, Rick. I want to be

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taken at my word. I want to be able to hold my head up when I go out into the real world.
I dont want my family to deal with any more pain no more. I will do my timeand I
will know what it is for, too. My real crime. Ask them again what they will offer.
He stood up and patted me on my back. I never met a woman like you.
He knocked on the door, and the two women came back inside.
My client would like to ask you again what your deal is, Rick said.
We have discussed it and are authorized to offer you a reduced charge of
involuntary manslaughter. This carries a mandatory sentence of 10 months in County jail
to be served here, in Madison, since our facility in La Crosse County has limited help for
prisoners needing counseling, and no prison time. We have decided to drop the charges
related to Sarah for aiding and abetting your crime. We will also drop the charges of
fleeing to escape prosecution since you didnt cross state lines. Basically, you will only
do time for the manslaughter. Sarah will be freed immediately upon your signature of the
deal. Sherri Gereaux smiled at me. This is what you wanted, Beatrice, she said softly.
I looked over at Rick and he said, Its your call, Bea. We could win.
Then I looked at Detective Anderson. She had mascara marks under her eyes, like
she had been crying, and red marks stained her cheeks. Could it be that I had made an
impression on her? She met my look and she did not look away, but she didnt scowl
either, her eyes were softer, her gaze kind. After another minute she finally looked away
from me.
What I really wanted was to be free but since that isnt possible without
putting Sarah and Is life on display for a media blitz then I will have to accept your
deal. Draw it up.

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Rick reached over and hugged me. Youre going to be alright, he whispered
into my shoulder.
I hugged him back and wondered if I would, in fact, be alright.

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Chapter 16
Bode
Alicia and Twirler walked out to the porch with their pink lemonade in hand,
cackling and laughing the whole way. I sat on the porch swing and Dean and Rick sat
close in camp chairs. The grill was hot and ready for the steaks. Denise played catch with
her daughter on the lawn in front of the big two story house on Lakeview Drive. We were
celebrating.
While I was in jail, Alicia revealed on one of her visits to me that she was a
writer. She wanted to keep her promise to me to make things right. So I spent my time in
jail talking into a tape recorder about what happened to Twirler and I, and she wrote it up
like it was a fictional book, changing our names and such. While I was in jail, Twirler
moved to Madison with Denise and her daughter, so they all could be close to me for
visitation. Rick moved from California and him and Dean have been together ever since.
There was so much to be thankful for. The ladies in jail helped me deal with the
rape issue. I loved my group, they treated me with respect and dignity and we remain
friends to this day. I still go back to the jail for group and I am welcomed with open arms;
I am a leader and a success story to women who still suffer. I never had any trouble in jail
because most of the women there considered me a hero. I had stood up for my rights, and
I had protected my lover, and my family. And now with the release of the book, Alicia
and I had started a support network throughout the country called Stand-up, a support
group for women everywhere that were suffering through any number of issues. It was
due to go online with release of the book. My brother, Bryce, moved in with my mother

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and they designed an apartment for him in her house, so he could have his privacy.
Everything was better, despite the bad in how it started.
I came to the realization, with the help of my jail spiritual advisors, that people
have always used God to justify wrong things like killing. My experience was nothing
new. It was my will, not Gods, being done. The only difference was that I saw it before I
acted on it. God was always there for meI just didnt see it at the time. How could I
know all of the positive that would come out of such suffering and pain? I had found my
balance, and I was trying out new religions, too. Twirler still didnt believe, but I could
live with thatshe had her own journey to make.
The UPS driver pulled up in front of the house and we all ran down to the driver.
He laughed a little and asked Alicia to sign for the package. She tore it open before he
could even fully pull away. And there it was: Times Like These. The title was blazed
across the cover in a cool font. Alicia quickly turned to the title page and saw her name:
By Alicia Harris. Dedicated to: the ones still suffering; may you find comfort in your
sisters arms. She then turned to the front page and I looked and saw my words:
Looking back now, I can say it was the times we were living in, the kind of times
when Twirler would laugh when the stock market had a really bad day. Id say, Twirler
what the hell is so damn funny?
It was so exciting to see! Twirler wanted to see her last lines in print, so Alicia
turned to the last page of the book, and Twirler read it out loud to us:
Hours turned to days, days to months, and finally my Bode came home to me.
She was a little older, a little harder, and more understanding of people and why they do
what they do. And more importantly, she still loved her Twirler. Times like these cant

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affect a great love; we just keep overcoming the hardships. Bode has a line she likes to
say to me when things get rough. It goes, Just hold on to me a little tighter, Im like a
lifeboat getting bombarded with waves, but I guarantee Ill get you to the shore.