Headlong 1

Headlong: Avoiding Emotional Pitfalls in Romance

Thesis: Dating should be regarded by the Christian community as a means to seek a
spouse with both intentionality and flexibility, in contrast to recreational dating, such that a
mutual agreement of relationship status is affirmed.

Headlong 2

I.

II.
III.
IV.

The Societal Perception of Romantic Relationships is Ill-Conceived.

a. There Exist Unrealized Assumptions in the Dating Process.
i. Immediate Coupling is Formed Between Members.
ii. Correlation in Characters
iii. Ideal Mates
b. There are Two Fundamental Mindsets Regarding Christian Dating.
i. The Courtship Mentality is More Confining.
ii. The Carefree Mentality is More Relaxed.
Both the Courtship and Carefree Mentalities have the Same Basic Problem.
a. An Unrealistic Expectation of Couples is Cultivated.
b. Unhealthy Results are the Product of Unrealistic Expectations.
An Approach with Intentionality and Flexibility is Most Prudent and Effectual.
a. Admission of Imperfection in Potential Spouses is Requisite.
b. Walking into Love is More Net-Advantageous than Falling into Love.
There Exists the Potential for Inadvertent Multiplicity in Attraction.
a. Conflict can be Minimized through Emotional Tethering.
b. The Sovereign Source of Wisdom Can Preserve our Hearts.

Headlong 3

In the realm of physical science, there are four known forces: The electromagnetic,
gravitational, and strong and weak nuclear forces. In the realm of human existence however,
things are not so simple. There exist physical drives, such as for food and shelter; mental drives,
such as for knowledge and practical understanding; emotional drives, such as for friendships and
to be appreciated; and finally spiritual drives, such as the pursuit of meaning and a connection
with God. One especially powerful force in existence resists total classification in or exclusion
from any of these categories: Love. In the pursuit of love, we often either enter into a legalistic
code of ethics to protect ourselves and others, or freely run into a wild and thoughtless chase of
the opposite sex in hopes of meeting a soul-mate. Neither is truly healthy, for diverse reasons,
but there exist issues on which these two mindsets fail together, and do a disservice to
individuals in both worldviews. In both views, there are unspoken assumptions which negatively
impact the well-being of those who date. Christians ought to regard dating as a means to seek a
spouse with both intentionality and flexibility, such that a mutual agreement of relationship status
is affirmed, in contrast to recreational dating.
If love is considered a universal ideal, different only in cultural and demographic
interpretation, then the question becomes how the society in which we find ourselves alters its
perceived definition. Usually this can be easily discerned through media, such as the love
portrayed in many Hollywood productions and celebrity magazines, but it is often subtle, even
imperceptible in attitudes and mental states by way of unspoken assumptions. One of these
hidden assumptions is that going on a successful date is declarative of immediate couple
formation and commitment to the other individual. This is inextricably tied to the second

Headlong 4
assumption; dating multiple individuals for any length of time is purely recreational and
indicative of moral corruption, i.e., playing the field.
A more personal assumption transcends the other two. While exceptions exist, most
people take the full responsibility of finding a spouse upon themselves alone. In every mind, a
subconscious image of the ideal companion is formed. If a person considers another romantically
interesting, it is because that person exhibits many of the traits embodied in that ideal image. It is
easy for an individual to stop dating the person, and replace them with the image in his mind.
These assumptions are not unique, but rather held by many, even in diverse mindsets.
Two main worldviews on dating are held by the Christian community. The first is that of
Courtship. In a courtship mentality, once a first date has been successful, the individuals are to
pursue each other without reservation or vacillation, because they are expected to have already
known each other on a deep level. The second mindset is Carefree. In a carefree mentality, the
scope of Gods sovereignty is extended to the point that individuals have little responsibility for
who they date, under the pretense that God will bring them together if they are meant to be. Each
mindset lacks qualities essential to the healthy development of romantic relationships.
In viewing dating as a strict courtship fashion, the parties involved are coerced into a relationship
that has yet to be assessed, through the pretense of thorough foreknowledge. However, in
viewing dating in a carefree fashion, the parties involved tend to find themselves influenced to
further their relationship without knowing enough about each other, due to social pressures such
as reputation and perceived idealism, encouraged by a blind spirit of euphoric passion.
Essentially, the problems are the same: the individuals engage in a relationship for which they
are not prepared, and feel socially obligated to continue, either by traditional or emotional
expectation.

Headlong 5
The personal assumption of an ideal mate is enormously impactful to the success or
failure or romantic relationships. If dating is continued blindly, the members involved can slowly
cease to see the person they are dating and rather the ideal which they desire. The coexistence of
these silent societal assumptions hastens the downfall of many romantic relationships and
contributes heavily to the emotional and mental damage dealt to people after suffering a
subsequent breakup. Unrealistic expectations of a potential spouse pervade the minds of those
who enter romantic relationships, regardless of whether or not they are conscious of these
idealistic images.
The result of these hidden assumptions nearly always is acute emotional distress and
disillusionment with the concepts of romance. Hurt individuals are more likely to exhibit
insecurities in future relationships, manifested in the form of jealousy, suspicion, and a clinging
urgency to be involved in even the most trivial aspects of their companions life. Just as serious
is the issue of how the damaged person approaches future love interests. Both worldviews,
courtship and carefree, degrade the sanctity of the romantic heart by forcing immediate action.
When a pair of individuals is coerced into becoming a couple by society, be it in the context of
courtship or of a carefree style, they surrender a portion of their heart to the one they are with at
the time. Courtship advocates often claim that this is nearly impossible to fall into under their
approach, but in reality, the model of courtship encourages immediate devotion to someone
unknown, allowing just as much pain to be caused by that relationship as one that is carefree.
Champions for the carefree mentality tend to imagine that leaving one unsuccessful relationship
should be easy, as there are many other viable bachelors and bachelorettes. This view is just as
deceptive as courtship, for as people continue relationships in a carefree setting, little depth is
cultivated, resulting in the uprooting of emotional constructs. Unrealistic expectations placed on

Headlong 6
oneself and the other are nearly always detrimental to the proper growth and functioning of any
relationship, romantic or platonic.
The keys to building healthy relationships are easily debated; so many opinions exist on
the subject. Few focus on the importance of being both flexible and intentional with their attitude
toward dating. A courtship mentality focuses on the issue of being intentional so heavily that
commitment is formed too quickly and without the admission of imperfection. Nearly everyone
endeavors to appear a better person than he or she is, and though this is natural and expected, it
can be a hurdle to the formation of accurate perceptions in other individuals observing. Honesty
and straightforward understanding of human imperfection ensures that each person dating has a
better sense of who the other is. This comprehension need not be voiced, but rather in the minds
of each individual. In the throes of a crush, one may become so infatuated with the person seen
that one forgets that each person is only human, and prone to error. When this is taken into
consideration, disillusionment is kept to a minimum. On the other side of the issue, a carefree
mentality myopically holds that flexibility in a relationship is of primary importance.
Unfortunately, this enables people to view relationships as fairly dispensable, provided one of the
two members is dissatisfied with the other in some way. Failure to act with intentionality in
examining a potential spouse can lead to discontinuities in interpersonal communication and
emotional compromise. When a list of essential grounding qualities or marital criteria is formed,
the chances of premature romantic attachment are significantly reduced. Rather than, falling in
love, an intentionality is established, promoting a careful, walking into love.
A balance between these solutions must be attained. Without flexibility, commitment is
formed too quickly, and without intentionality emotional ties are bound more tightly than the
heart is prepared for. In looking for a spouse, it is not wrong to date multiple individuals within a

Headlong 7
reasonably short period of time, or even simultaneously, provided that the proper mindset is held.
Getting to know multiple potential companions at once affords the unique opportunity of
preserving ones heart while discerning the emotional needs one has. The legalism of courtship is
banished, and the wild fling of recreational dating is put aside to make room for a mature
evaluation of ones feelings and the impact of others on oneself.
In dating multiple individuals however, the argument could be made that one would
develop an attraction toward more than one potential spouse. After all, even if standards are put
in place as marital safeguards, more than one individual may share desirable characteristics
contained under these criterion. This is where the multiplicious definition of love is significant.
While love is very emotionally influenced, it is more than an emotion. It carries a choice to put
the welfare of another before oneself. In realizing this, an emotional tether can be established.
This tether can afford a method of determining if one is truly attracted to someone for whom they
are in their spirit rather than shallow interest motivated by the basal desire for companionship or
social status. In the event that attractions to multiple people do occur in a deeper sense, prayer is
called into play. While each relationship should be saturated in prayer, when an issue requiring
divine wisdom surfaces, one ought not to rely on the wisdom already given, but rather on that
which is given directly by the Father of Lights. The sovereign source of all knowledge and
wisdom is more than willing to conform His children to His divine will, and in doing so will
ensure that each is provided all the necessary tools to make a decision, should He not make the
answer clear.
In the choices one makes, one ought always to endeavor to honor God. This means being
responsible with the emotions that have been bestowed, while maintaining flexibility in pursuing
companions. Dating multiple people is not a sin, and should not be treated as such, as a proper

Headlong 8
date will not immediately pair two individuals to become a couple without prior considerations.
Rather, it is indicative of avoiding a one-track mind that inevitably leads to ruin. Commitment
should never begin on the first date, and not until a mutual agreement is reached regarding the
state of a romantic relationship, each party should not feel emotionally tied to a single individual
by society or cultural pressures. Dating should be regarded by the Christian community as a
means to seek a spouse with both intentionality and flexibility, in contrast to recreational dating,
such that a mutual agreement of relationship status is affirmed. Without this mindset, avoiding
the disadvantages of each dogmatic view, be it courtship or carefree, one easily becomes tied to
another before either is ready. In temperance should the heart be guided, but in openness should
it also be willing to meet others.