The issue regarding the rise in the number of overweight children in developed countries has

caught the attention of health specialists. Primarily, they have seen that the growth of fast food
outlets has contributed to this issue. Others say that parents should be of (are the ones at) fault for
not looking after the well-being of their children.
Fast food outlets has (have- your subject in this clause is fast food outlets which is a plural
compound noun. A plural subject needs a plural verb predicate, hence the predicate verb have)
been very popular in developed countries, (use a period for this. A period sufficiently closes your
first independent clause into a sentence. A coma is simply used to indicate a pause between an
independent and a dependent clause) They have influenced the youth with regards to what food to
buy or eat. It has been shown in some studies that eating foods from these fast food chains impose a
great threat to the health of the young. The foods being served here were seen to be oily and fatty,
which contributes (I suggest a stronger word such as leads or results) to being overweight and
having other diseases. The increase in the incidence of heart failures and other related diseases has
prompted health professionals to do (improve on your vocabulary. Try using the word conduct) a
(this determiner is not necessary as you are speaking about research on eating habits in general, and
not on a very specific research) research on the eating habits of people especially the young. It was
then shown that most of the children who consume foods served at fast food outlets are most likely
to become overweight and acquire such diseases.
On the other hand, others say that parents should be of blame ( be of blame no such
fragment. Auxiliary verb does not match with the preposition to refer to the main verb. Instead,
you might consider using these statements if they are what you have in mind: are to be blamed /
have the biggest share of the blame / should be held responsible) when it comes to a child's health,
especially on the issue about being overweight. Parents are considered to be a child's role model
while growing up. This also implies (inappropriate usage of word. Consider other words such as
involves, concerns or includes) on what food they buy for or serve to (verbs usually have
partner prepositions) their children, and to what activities they indulge have their children indulge
in. Furthermore, it is important for a parent to educate their children on the benefits of eating
healthy and being physically active.
I strongly agree that parents are really to be blamed when the issue about children being
overweight is being tackled. Parents should be there to (unnecessary) guide and supervise their
children. A child looks up at their parents, so they should take this opportunity to educate them
from what is right and wrong, whether choosing the food to eat or activity to do.
TR- (8) The questions were adequately and responsively addressed. The topic was properly
engaged and described in your answers.
CC (7.5) Answers are presented in a solid and logical order, which clearly leads a reader from one
point of the topic to the next. Most sentences are properly executed, making a strong and cohesive
sequencing of discussions. However, some of the grammatical errors would require a reader to
have a second or third pass over the written line in order to get a clear idea of what the writer wants
to say.
LR (7) Average vocabulary range. However, some words were used out of context (eg.
Implies.) Sentence structures had fair variations from a combination of simple to compoundcomplex structures. This is recommended)
GRA (7) Use proper punctuations. Study your prepositions and subject-verb agreement.
Total: 7

Rewritten Version:
The issue regarding the rise in the number of overweight children in developed countries has
caught the attention of health specialists. Primarily, they have seen that the growth of fast food
outlets has contributed to this issue. Others say that parents are the ones at fault for not looking after
the well-being of their children.
Fast food outlets have been very popular in developed countries. They have influenced the
youth with regards to what food to buy or eat. It has been shown in some studies that eating foods
from these fast food chains impose a great threat to the health of the young. The foods being served
here were seen to be oily and fatty, which leads to being overweight and having other diseases. The
increase in the incidence of heart failure and other related diseases has prompted health
professionals to conduct research on the eating habits of people especially the young. It was then
shown that most of the children who consume foods served at fast food outlets are most likely to
become overweight and acquire such diseases.
On the other hand, others say that parents are to be held first and foremost responsible when
it comes to a child's health, especially on the issue about being overweight. Parents are considered
to be a child's role model while growing up. This also concerns what food they buy for or serve to
their children, and what activities they have their children indulge in. Furthermore, it is important
for parents to educate their children on the benefits of eating healthy and being physically active.
I strongly agree that parents are really to be blamed when the issue about children being
overweight is being tackled. Parents should guide and supervise their children,a child looks up at
their parents, so they should take this opportunity to educate them from what is right and wrong,
whether choosing the food to eat or activity to do.