4 Things to Consider Before Working for a Friend

http://www.forbes.com/sites/dailymuse/2013/04/29/4-things-to-consider-beforeworking-for-a-friend/

There are few things that redeem the soul-crushing effort of a long, tedious
job search. But, they do exist: Getting a job offer (finally)? Awesome. Getting a
job offer at a promising young start-up? Really awesome. Getting a job offer at a
promising young start-up headed by one of your closest friends? Um, could it get
more awesome than that?
Ive done itand I can tell you that, in many ways, it is the best. But, Ill also
caution you that working for your friend isnt going to be all fun and games. Even
if your friendship has endured since your frizzy-haired middle school days, the
dynamic will change when you merge that into a manager-employee relationship.
And before you commit to an extra 40+ hours a week with your pal, theres a lot
to consider.
To help you fully think it through, here are some of the most important pros and
cons of working for a friend.
Pro #1: Shell Already Know Your Strengths and Abilities
When a friend offers you a job, you can be relatively certain that shes well aware
of your career aspirations, your professional goals, the things you do well, and the
tasks you dread. And if she doesnt know those things, having that preemployment conversation as friends will be a lot easier than having it in
an interviewer-interviewee situation (Um, you how know Im not so great
with cold calls?).
So, as long as you have that discussion (and youre confident that your friend is
looking out for your best interests), you can accept the job with the knowledge
that youre entering into an enjoyable and rewarding career; one that will provide
the challenges to help you grow professionally and put you on a path to your
dream position.
But:
You cant expect to be treated differently because youre friends with the boss.
While the majority of your job should be spent doing the things you anticipated,
youll probably still be asked to assume some duties outside of your area of
expertiseespecially if the company is a start-up with a small pool of
employees. Dont be surprised (or resistant) if youre the lucky one chosen to

wheel the monstrous cart around Sams Club, stocking up on 180-packs of toilet
paper for the office restroom (not that I know from experience).
Yes, your friend wants you to grow professionally and achieve your career goals
but she also has a business to run, and as an employee, you have to help make
that happen, just like everyone else on the team.
Pro #2: Communication Will Be a Lot Easier
With a solid friendship as the base for your professional relationship, youll find
its a lot easier to communicate with your boss during the workday. When things
are going well, youll be comfortable enough to stop by your friends office to say,
I totally just nailed that presentation! And when it comes to
brainstorming, youll love how easy it is to let the ideas flyno matter how silly,
strange, or completely impractical they are.
This kind of open communication can set the standard for a very productive and
comfortable work environmentone that would take a lot longer to develop if
you worked for a more unfamiliar boss.
But:
Talking about the tough stuff can be a lot harder when youre discussing it with a
friend. In my situation, I quickly learned that if youre not satisfied with a portion
of your job, your friends management style, or your salary, there will likely be an
element of awkwardness when it comes time to have a serious conversation about
it. And take the reverse into consideration as well: When you have a rough week,
miss an important deadline, or show up late a few too many mornings in a row,
your friend is probably going to call you into her office for a stern sit-down. Are
you prepared to view her as your superior and swallow her disciplinary
words without harboring resentment?
And further down the line, if things dont go exactly as you imagined, will you be
able to approach your friend to maturely discuss your resignation? Or will
your friendship bind you to the job because youd feel too guilty if you left? This
isnt a fun situation to think aboutbut for the sake of your friendship, its
important to consider.
Pro #3: Shell Appreciate Your Input
Most likely, your friend offered you a job because she knows youre trustworthy,
hard-working, and altogether deserving of the salary shes paying you out of her
pocket. And because of that trust, youll be an active part of discussions about
business decisions, marketing options, and the next steps for the company.
Unlike a corporate environment, where your ideas rarely make it to the top

of the ladder, youll have immediate access to the boss to collaborate on big
projects and provide important input.
But:
Since shes the boss, shell alwaysyes, alwayshave the final say. I came into my
position with the skewed idea that, for the most part, my friend and I would be
working as equalsbut it didnt work out that way. You can voice your
opinion about how strongly you disagree with her choice of advertising
strategies, but when it comes down to it, its her businessand ultimately, she
calls the shots. In many cases, youll have to be prepared to take a step back and
regard her as the boss. Sure, she was your friend first, but when youre in the
office, shes your authority figure and deserves as much respect as youd give a
traditional manager in any other situation.
Pro #4: Youll Get to Spend a Lot of Time Together
Remember why this job offer is so exciting? Because you get the perk of working
with your friendand everything else that comes along with that, including midmorning coffee runs, Taco Tuesday lunches, networking happy hours in the
evening, and everything in between. And truthfully, that can make work really
fun (it definitely did in my case). Youll play a lot of pranks, tell and re-tell
embarrassing stories, and laugh uncontrollably. Youll get work done, of
coursebut youll have a friend by your side to make it a lot less work-like.
But:
Youll spend a lot of time together. And when you hit a rough day at the office
(e.g., you spend an hour arguing over the way she wants to handle the new hire
training), its going to be hard to separate your professional life from your
personal feelings. All of a sudden, when she makes a few too many edits to your
monthly report, you might not feel like going out to dinner with her that night. I
didnt expect to feel so defensive when my friend critiqued my ideas or
work, but those feelings quickly seeped into our friendship. And that can take a
major toll on your relationshipif you dont learn how to separate your work life
from your friendship (and you start developing negative feelings instead), you
could easily find yourself friendless and jobless.
All in all, there are a lot of good things about working for a friendbut there are
also some serious concerns that youll need to consider before jumping in
headfirst. To preserve your career, your future professional references, and, most
importantly, your friendshipyou owe it to yourself (and your friend) to
completely think this decision through.

Can You Be Friends With Your Boss?

Karen Dillon

NOVEMBER 28, 2014

A few years ago, I found myself uncomfortably witnessing a painful breakup.

But it wasnt a couple struggling through a divorce; it was the unraveling of a
friendship, complicated by the fact that the two people in question were also
a boss and his subordinate. They were once so close that the boss, Jason (not
his real name), and Martin (also not his real name), took family vacations
together. Because they also frequently commuted to and from work together,
the rest of us came to understand that Martin had unique access to our boss
and that he was in a position of power because of it.
Now Martin was reduced to hovering in the office hallways hoping that hed
casually bump into Jason on his way home and that Jason would offer him a
ride. We never really knew what led to the splintering of the relationship, but
it was clearly not a good thing for either person, or for the company. They
soldiered on in a kind of forced formality reporting lines were rejiggered
under the guise of a larger restructuring but eventually Martin left the
company and it seemed that Jason was relieved.
When I think back to this situation, its clear how complicated a bossemployee friendship can be. Ive been fortunate to have had great
relationships with all my bosses though they never fully crossed into the
friendship category. Can it ever be wise to befriend a boss when that person
has the power to fire you, refuse you a raise, or generally make your work
life miserable?
Of course, there are perks to being friends with your boss. Though wed like
to think we work in a truly egalitarian system, if your boss considers you a
pal, shes more likely to trust you with information, say yes to your vacation
requests or a flexible work schedule, and perhaps most importantly, pick you
for high priority projects and assignments. After all, its human nature to
treat people you like better than those you dont. If you are closely
connected to someone at a higher level in the organization, they may be
able to promote you, spread your reputation, [or] provide you with access to
information that is useful to use, says Monique Valcour, a professor of
management at EDHEC Business School in France.
So how do you know when its a good idea to be friends with your boss
and when its just too risky? The answer, experts say, depends on a number
of factors.
1. Were you friends before you became the subordinate? Its easier
to have your boss turn into your friend than to have a friend turn into your

boss, says Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist and author of The

Blame Game: How the Hidden Rules of Credit and Blame Determine our
Success or Failure. If a friendship predates a new reporting relationship, you
have to make a concerted effort to maintain some degree of role clarity. Selfawareness on both sides will be key. Ask yourself, What is my
relationship to this person now? How should we be relating to one another?
suggests Valcour. Follow your sense of whats comfortable and whats not.
2. Are you friends because you genuinely get along or did you try to
develop a friendship because it might serve you? If you have a
natural affinity, genuinely like each other, and want to have a social bond, I
think thats worth cultivating, as it would be with other coworkers, suggests
Dattner. But I wouldnt make a special effort beyond what youd do with any
other coworker. That would take on a Machiavellian tinge, which I think you
dont want. A relationship thats based on you making a power play isnt
likely to be a strong one, and you run a higher risk of it ending in disaster,
especially if your boss senses that youre getting close to her to advance
your own career.
3. Are you willing to talk with your boss about boundaries so that
the friendship/boss line doesnt get blurred? If the relationship has
shifted from being friends-colleagues to being boss-subordinate, have a
direct conversation about how to make sure the lines dont get blurred. You
can even articulate the lines youre drawing in the moment: Im speaking as
your friend here or As your employee, Im telling you It may seem
artificial to do that, but it helps. Theres no escaping, however, the fact that a
superior-subordinate relationship comes with complications that you might
not face in other friendships. You might tell your buddy about the highs and
lows of your personal life or whine about a colleague who is getting on your
nerves. But should you feel just as free to vent to your boss? Anytime you
provide your boss with a piece of information, think about the fact that
youre both friends and hes your supervisor. Keep it as uncomplicated as
possible.
4. Will you face backlash from your peers if youre perceived as
being the bosss favorite? Its possible that your colleagues will be wary
of you getting special treatment so you have to make sure that your peers
dont end up resenting you. Monitor the decisions the boss is making to
make sure youre not given all the plum assignments, all the easy trips,
says Dattner. Get feedback from other people in the workplace on whether
your relationship is a problem for others. If it does seem to be causing
resentment, discuss this with your boss. You might say, I really appreciate
youve given me some of the softball assignments, but Im concerned my
colleagues might perceive this as favoritism. Work hard to be a good team
member, independent of your relationship with your boss. One person I
spoke with recalls that working for a friend actually made him up his game.

We both had to go to great lengths to make sure things appeared to be on

the up and up, he recalls. My performance had to be exemplary so it didnt
look like shed just hired her friend.
Its possible your boss will go to the opposite extreme, too. He might end up
giving you the short straw so as to not be accused of favoritism. Monitor the
decisions from that perspective, as well, Dattner says, and dont be afraid to
confront your boss if thats the case. You might want to say to your boss, I
understand youre not trying to give the appearance of favoritism, but this is
out of whack.
5. How old are you? Ask a Gen Y worker what she thinks about forging a
friendship with her boss and she might give you a look of bewilderment.
Because younger generations tend to relate to parents as friends, theres
less separation between generations than previously existed, says Tammy
Erickson, an expert in managing across generations and author of Whats
Next, Gen X? The rise of mobile technology has shifted the role traditional
authority figures play in their lives, she says. Teachers (and parents) used
to know more stuff than younger people did. Now, access to facts is equal;
the older person becomes more of a guide or coach and less of a source of
authoritative answers. This also adds to the shifting relationship.
So where should the lines be drawn if at all? Having a positive,
constructive, and trusting relationship with your boss is always a good thing,
says Erickson, and everyone should work toward that. But whether it should
cross the line to genuine friendship is less clear. As Erickson says: At the end
of the day, its a personal preference.

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR BEST

FRIEND BECOMES YOUR BOSS
Dorothy Tannahill-Moran | June 21, 2012

When you are in the work place long enough, you accumulate work friends as meaningful to you as
non-work friends. One thing about work friends is that you sometimes have situations arise that are
difficult to effectively manage. One of those is when your best work friend becomes your boss. Its
apt to happen to you sooner or later. I know some people make jokes that youve got it made, but
you dont really have anything made. In fact, without some mature thought you could lose a friend
permanently or even put your job at risk.
Here are some things for you to consider:

Your relationship will change. Your friend cant be seen as playing favorites with you.
Everyone has to feel like they all get an equal chance at assignments and opportunities. If your
friend is at all mature, they will probably distance themselves; and you need to support that shift.
You want to stay friendly, but a certain level of professional detachment is in order for you both.
Dont ask them for favors. Go out of your way to not compromise your friends position.
Granted, all people ask favors of the boss at some point, but make sure you wait a long time before
making your requests.
Just because you are friends, doesnt mean they think you do a great job.
Understand one role that your friend, now manager, plays is to assess your performance. Ive
worked with a number of work friends over the years whose performance I thought was marginal. I
would have hated to have those people work for me, because I would have had to take action to spiff
them upand that isnt a fun process. It can damage a friendship.
Sit down and talk about this change. Rather than just make assumptions about each
other, do both of you a favor and have a chat. It would be great for you to acknowledge that they are
the boss and you can separate a personal and a professional relationship. Open the door to have
future conversations so you can both check in to see if you have each adjusted to your new roles
and tweak anything that might not be working well.
Dont share details with the group. You might have personal and private knowledge of
your friend that should never be shared. Sharing their information might make you feel momentarily
like you have an inside track, but it wont be worth it in the long run. The deal is almost everything
gets back to the boss and this isnt something you want to be tagged with. You will do irreparable
damage to the entire relationship if you have loose lips. Trust is an important value to both
friendship and work relationships. It only takes one stupid act to blow it.
Dont take things personally. The boss (your friend) has new responsibilities and that will
mean that there could be decisions they have to make that you might not like. More than likely, the
decision is driven by a business reason, so dont make your first assumption that its about you. If
you have an issue, take it up with them privately so you can problem solve just like you would with
your previous boss.
Its ok to act as counsel. Because of your trusted relationship, your friend may seek you out
for insight or to bounce ideas. As mentioned previously, dont share these conversations with
others. You may need to also ensure that you dont share too much information about your peers to
your boss/friend, unless you know that they can handle the information appropriately.

Act professionally. The best advice for how you want to proceed is to act professionally. Keep
business just that way and make sure you can keep business and personal separate.
Who knows It could be you who becomes the boss of your best friend. You never know how things
will work out, but the main thing you want to accomplish is that you continue working effectively and
maintaining a good working relationship.

http://careerrocketeer.com/2012/06/what-to-do-when-your-best-friend-becomesyour-boss.html