INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION COMPETENCE

Self-Assessment
Instructions:

Answer each item honestly as it currently applies to you in typical

conversations with others. Use the following scale:
1
2
3
4
5
strongly
slightly
unsure
slightly
strongly
disagree
disagree
agree
agree

1.

I want to adapt my communication behavior to meet others expectations.

2.

I have enough knowledge and experiences to adapt to others expectations.

3.

I use a wide range of behaviors, including self-disclosure and wit, to adapt to

others.

4.

I want to be involved in the conversations I have with other people.

5.

I know how to respond because I am perceptive and attentive to others behaviors.

6.

I show my involvement in conversation both nonverbally and verbally.

7.

I want to make my conversations with others go smoothly.

8.

I know how to change topics and control the tone of my conversations.

9.

It is easy for me to manage conversations the way I want them to proceed.

10.

I want to understand other peoples viewpoints and emotions.

11.

I know that empathy means to try to see it through their eyes and feel what they feel.

12.

I show my understanding of others by reflecting their thoughts and feelings to

them.

13.

I am motivated to obtain the conversational goals I set for myself.

14.

Once I set an interpersonal goal for myself, I know the steps to take to achieve it.

15.

I successfully achieve my interpersonal goals.

16.

I want to communicate with others in an appropriate manner.

17.

I am aware of the rules that guide social behavior.

18.

I act in ways that meet situational demands for appropriateness.

HSTORY OF ASSERTIVENESS
The concept of assertion was simplified to saying no and getting your own way or
to standing up for your rights and getting where and what you want in bed, at work on the
social scene, and at home (Smith-1975)
Today assertion training is viewed by scientific and Professional comminities as a
powerful but limited techniqe that can be tremendous benefit to individuals when used by
well-trained clinicians who are coglisand of the complexities involved in helping people
achieve their behavior-chance goals.At is really a prototypical intervention fort he modern
world,vanded, while unneccesary in earlier times, dramatical the needs of people todays
technological chaotic, and unstablle environment.
Socrates argued that all voluntary acts were rational, in the sense that the person had
good reasons fort he action,and that it was impossible for a person to respond voluntarily in
ways antogonistic to good reasons.

2-WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS?
Assertiveness is about self confidence which means having a positive attitude towards
yourself and others.It means being honest with yourself and others; and it is about respecting
yourself and others. When you are self confident and your behavior is assertive, you are open
to others and their views eventhough they may be different from your own.
Being assertive is essentially about respecting yourself and others. It is about having a basic
belief that your opinions, beliefs, thoughts and feelings are as important as anybody elses and
that this goes for other people to.It is about being in touch with your own needs and wants but
contrary to some misconceptions about assertive behaviour.It is not about going for what you
want at any cost.

a)Ten Points about Assertive Behaviours

1-It depends on expressing yourself
2-Showing respects to others rights
3-Being honest
4-Indirect and certain
5-Mutual equilibrim and benefit is important in a relationship
6-It is expressing emotions, rights, realities, thoughts and boundaries by words
7-Using non-verbal comminication for sending the message
8-It is not universal, it depends on the position and the individual
9-It is getting social responsibility
10-It is not the nature of the hunamkind, it can be learned
b)Being Assertive
Assertion is about being who you really are.Part of being assertive is about shifting our focs
from adapting the circumstances to focusing on what you want to create.These are the steps of
to take towards that end result.
1-Being assertive is focusing on your goal
Focusing on your goal concentrates your energy.It makes a lot more sense to focus on your
goal rather than to dwell on obstacles or problems which are getting in the way of achieving
that goal.In addition, if you are aware of and focusing on your goal you will also know that
certain actions,while not particularly enjoyable in themselves, are steps towards your desired
results.
2-Being assertive is being self-aware
Being self aware means knowing what makes you tick, knowing areas in which you would
like to change your behaviour and knowing in which ways yoare happy with the way you are.
3-Being assertive is being true to yourself
It means following your own path.If you dont know exactly what that is, making choices will
help you to find out.
4-Being assertive is building self esteem
It is about believing ourselves as much as we could.To build self esteem;

Identify the areas in which you lack self esteem, and find techniques which suit you
which you can use to build yourself up

Read boks which help you to affirm yourself

Be aware of negative messages you gie yourself and change them into posiive ones

Identify what you are good at, what skills you have, what your achievements are,your
qualities.Make a list.

Listen to relaxation and self affirming tapes

Tell yourself you are unique individual and that you owe it to yourself to do what is
right for you

5-Being assertive is nurturing yourself

It means looking after yourself, not expecting someone else to do it for you.It involves
making sure you have fulfilling and rewarding ; making sure you have enough pleasure in
your life; making sure you are taking steps towards your long-term goals; congratulating
yourself for things you do well.

3-TYPES OF ASSERTIVENESS
Passive behaviour
The person who behaves non-assertively in a situation does not assert his/her basic rights,
instead he/she allows others to infringe upon them.
Assertive behaviour
The person who behaves assertively in a situation asserts his/her basic rights.He/she takes
responsibility for them whilst recognizing and respecting to other persons basic rights.
Aggresive behaviour
The person who behaves aggresively in a situation asserts his/her basic rights at the expense
of the other persons rights.He/she does not respect that other person has rights.
Manipulative behaviour
The person who behaves manipulatively has a negative opinion of himself/herself and of
others.His/her behaviour is self destructive and destructive towards others.The person is
usually depressed and demotivated.
I am not ok,you are ok-----non-assertive behaviour
I am ok,you are ok-----assertive behaviour
Iam ok,you are not ok------aggressive behaviour
I am not ok,you are not ok---manipulative behaviour.

Table 4.1 Assertiveness table

Negative attitude and passive behaviour

Lack of self confidence and low self esteem

Lack of self respect

Self putdowns

Negative feelings and thoughts about yourself

Feeliings of inferiority compared to others

Like others to be in control of people and situations

Feel guilty towards others

demotivated

Negative attitude and manipulative behaviour

Lack of self confidence and low self esteem

Lack of self respect and lack of respect for others

Mistrustful and suspicious of others motives

Negative feelings and thoughts about self and others

Feel very wary towards others

Dishonest and indirect

Twist what others have said

Undermine others self esteem

Depressed and demotivated

Negative attitude and aggressive behaviour

Lack of self confidence and low self esteem

Lack of respect towards others

Put others down

Feelings of superiority

Like to be incontrol of people and situations

Disinterested in others thoughts and feelings

Feel angry towards others and are quick to blame them

Dont listen to or ask questions

Positive attitude assertive behaviour

Self confidence and high self esteem

Respect for self and towards others

Take responsibility for self

Motivated to do a good job

nterested in others feelings and thoughts

Ask questions

Honest and direct

Listen to others

Ask others for feedback

4-SKILLS OF ASSERTIVENESS
a)broken record
A skill that by calm repetition-saying what you want over and over again.Teaches persistence
without your having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand, in order to be up
for dealing with others
b)fogging
A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative critism by calmly acknowledging to your critic
probablity that there may be some truth in what he says,yet allows you to remain your own
judge of what you do
c)negative assertion
A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by
strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostileor constructive critism of your negative
qualities.
d)negative inquiry
A skill that teaches the active prompting of critism in order to use the information (if helpful)
or exhaust it (if manupilative) while prompting your critic to be more assertive, less
dependent on manupilative ploys.
e)free information
A skill that teaches the recognition of simple cues given by a social partner in everyday
conversation to indicate what isinteresting or important to that person.
f) self disclosure
A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive and
negative aspects of your personality behaviour, life style, intelligence, to enhance social
comminication and reduced manupilation.
g)workable compromise
In using your verbal assertive skills, it is practical, whenever you feel that your self respect is
not in question, to offer a workable compromise to other person.You can always bargain for

your material goals unless the compromise affects your personel feelings of self respect.If the
end goal involves a matter of your self worth, however, there can be no compromise.

5-ASSERTVENESS BY VERBAL AND NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION

It aint what you say, it is the way that you say it
Assertion is generally becomes clear by verbal communication (like yes or no...etc)
Also we use body language and other forms of nonverbal communication tools to express
our emotions to behave in assertive way.These are;
Tonation
I will phone you It will be me not any other person
I will phone you I will not forget!
I will phone you I will not write or visit.
I will phone you It will be you,not any other person.
The forms of non-verbal communication that we use to behave in assertive or passive way
are:
Faces and the looks
Eye signal
Body image
Personal space
The smile
Figure 5.1

Behaviours that shows degree of assertiveness

6-ASSERTIVENESS IN CULTURES
In generally people tend to express themselves on assertive way but assertiveness does not
seem symphatic by society generally.School,church and the family pressure restricts
assertivenessat early periods of the individuals. Assertiveness is directly related with
masculine characteristic in some cultures.Also assertiveness is directly related with
individualizm.Assertiveness may behave on different ways according to cultures..For
example;

In the Asian comminities being a group member and prestige is valuable.It is not
important how he/she see himself/herself,but it is important how he/she seems by
society.Comminication is indirect becouse they dont want to break someones
heart.Assertiveness,which described by western civilization as expressing himself

directly is not a acceptable way of behaviour according to traditional cultures like

Asians

European civilization behaves in a direct , informal and assertive way.Most of

European have high degree of indivudializm and it is the cause of why they are
assertive.

America and the civilizations who are in touch with USA are also behaves assertive.

7-HUMAN ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

Assertion theory is based on the assumptions that: everyone has basic human rights which
should be respected; and that assertion skills can be developed.The theory of assertion
emphasizes the basic rights that we all have and the responsibilities which go with having
these rights.

The right to do anything which does not violate the rights of others

The right to be assertive or non-assertive

The right to make choices

The right to change

The right to control over body,time and possesions

The right to express opinions and beliefs

The right to think well of oneself

The right to make requests

The right to express sexuality

The right to have needs and desires

The right to fantasy

The right to have information

The right to have goods or services which have been paid

The right to be independent and to be left alone

The right to say no

The right to be treated with respect

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8-SAYING YES OR NO
Saying yes and saying no are important responses which an assertive person needs to be
able to make.They are important ways we have of defining ourselves and showing other
people how we wish to be treated and where our bounaries are.They are not the only assertive
resonses that we may wish to make in a particular situation.
Why is it difficult to say no?

If say no,they may feel hurt or injected

If say no this time, they may not like me anymore

If say no this time,they may never ask again

They wont take any notice f say no

They would say yes to me (and so will feel guilty if refuse them)

I cant say no, becouse feel sorry for them

How to say no assertively?

Start your reply with a clear,firm,audible no

Do not justify or make excuses.Giving a reason is different from over-appologizing

Feel that you have a right to say no

Once you have said no , do not stay around waiting to be persuaded to change your
mind.Make a definite closure by changing the subject,walking away, continuing with
what you are doing-whatever is appropriate

Remember you are saying no to that particular request,not rejecting the person

If the request takes you unawares or you have not sufficent time to think when
asked,you can always say, I will let you know n order to give yourself time to think
about what you want to say

Take responsibility for saying no-do not blame the other person for asking you

Ask for more information if you need it in order to decide whether you want to say
yes or no

Why is it difficult to say yes

I dont deserve it

They might not really mean it

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I am not really sure that is what I want

I dont have enough information

How to say yes assertively

Say yes clearly and definitely

Identify why you would find it difficult

Examine thoughts realistically and ask yourself

Having calarified thughts for yourself then reaffirm your desire to say yes

Combining yes and no

yes and no may be combined assertively to define what we want or what our limits
are in a particular situation.

9-THE IMPORTANCE OF ASSERTIVENESS IN WORK PLACE

The questions employees most asked to themselves are generally; am I happy in my
work? , Do I want a beter job? , Does my salary satisfy me? Answer of that questions
depends on the rewards that people recieve from work below;

Personal identity

Wages or salary

Satisfaction from exercising skills

Satisfaction from helping people

Social environment

Employees should be assertive in order to get what they want from their work-life to have a
fair standart of life at least.
For that purpose individuals use assertive skills (we have mentioned above) , and they are
needed in dealing with;

Theirselves

The manager to whom they report

Their colleagues

Their subordinates

Clients or customers

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Some people have difficulties in dealing assertively with one or more of these groups,while
being confident in dealing with members of other groups.This is in part becouse a persons
responsibilities to the members of each these groups differs.

Managers views of assertiveness

Assertiveness is often confused with aggresive behaviour.Many managers consider
themselves and some of their colleagus as not needing to develop assertiveness since they are
already too assertive. However, once they start to develop a greater awareness of their
attitudes and behaviour that realize that in fact, far frombeing assertive, their behaviour
towards others is agressive.
The same managers often believe that the only way to do business is to be agressive
towards others; they say that it is the only way to getting things done. The managers who do
consider themselves as needing to develop assertiveness, are often those who recognize that
they lack of self conidence.They tend to view their own behaviour and others who need to
develop assertiveness as passive.They regularly find it difficult to express themselves and end
up complying with the wishes of others.
There tends to be symbiotic relationships between the managers whose behaviour is
agressive and the manager whose behaviour is passive.The agressive manager needs to be in
control takes on a lot of responsibility,whilst the passive manager allows others tok e control
of situations and avoids taking on responsibility, since he/she lacks the confidence to do so.
TO DECDE WHEN TO BE ASSERTVE

Do you know really what is the situation?

How much importance it has for you?

Will you get what you want?

Do you want to just express yourself?

What is your options?

Do you want an optimistic result?

Are you ready to be assertive?

Did you count to the 10?

Is it beter to wait?
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Will you get anger to yourself, ,f you dont do anything?

Have you done your best?

What are the possible results and risks?

Will assertiveness cause a change?

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