White Trash: Manifesting the Bisexual

Author(s): Carolyn Pajor

Source: Feminist Studies, Vol. 31, No. 3 (Fall, 2005), pp. 570-574
Published by: Feminist Studies, Inc.
Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/20459050
Accessed: 29-05-2015 21:01 UTC

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WhiteTrash:
Man festingthe
Bisexual

Pajor
Carolyn

r~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IS WHAT

THIS

IT FEELS

LIKE

and you don't

know why

BE BISEXUAL.

TO

sixteen and your newest

You're

friend has brown hair and brown

she likes you more

but you hope

than your

other friends do. She does. You glide through your sophomore
ing notes

hands on dark buses after basketball

and holding

only once does the word

you bent down

you were

that what
someone
were

doing had nothing

and it so happened

aman,

year, writ
games,

"lesbian" flash through your mind-only

to kiss her warm mouth-because

you knew

do with

that she was

if there ever could be such aman with

brown

even

(she dumped
memory,

you're

20 and your high school

you before prom

for a swimmer

then
loved

love her if she

eyes like bark

off a tree, such sweet breath, and the kind of skin that you want
There was. Now

and

once as

her gender. You

female; you'd

eyes

to touch.

love is just amemory

not a

named Champ)-no,

but an idea. What happened,you tell yourself,

is somethingI'm going to

have tofigure out one day.You throw it on the back burner because you're not
you don't even like any of the feminists in your lit
dying for women-hell,
classes

'cuz they all have big mouths

miffed. You

think feminism

bright and nothing

and seem, at all times, excessively

is unnecessary

because you're here and you're

has held you back baby. You yourself

Feminist Studies 31, no. 3 (Fall 2005).

don't

actually

(? 2005 by Carolyn

Pajor

570

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CarolynPajor

57I

feel likea girl, but aperson firstand foremost, and you don't feel any great
unity to some universal sisterhood.You meet someone with brown hair
and brown eyes who

is all parts wonderful,

who happens

to be aman.

Ifyou

werea woman,
you tell him in bed one night, ourliveswouldbemuchmorecomplex.
He rightlyunderstands this tomean thatyou'd stillbe thereon his side,on
his topside,sometimes on the inside.You wonder what itwould be like if
he were a girl. You see two lesbiansholding hands in the Kroger, un
whatit is,you tellyourself, IguessI'llneverknow.
abashedand unshaved. If that's
Now

23 and you

you're

just got a bad haircut,

an $8 mad

buzz from

Supercuts. And now you work at Kroger. Dykes come through your
checkout line and ask you when you're getting off work. This horrifies
you, and when

you recount

this to your

he tells you to wear

roommate,

prostitute red lipstick.Your relationship toAll PartsWonderful turnsout

to be complex despite his gender.You dump each other after three years
of tempestuousdevotion.
But your

thought

remains. Then you meet

a girl and she tells you she

lovesyour $8 Supercutsmad buzz. Your heart swells, 'cuz she'sbeautiful

and sweet and has brown

hair and brown

eyes. She's nothing

like the

Kroger lesbians.You take it off the backburner. She's strong and soft and
a great kisser.Boy,you think, thisisreallycool.
At night you dream of touch
ingher all over, andwhen thatmoment comes, you're not nervous at all.
Now you're girl crazy. You can't get your eyes big enough
the lesbians you allow yourself
bus and train for them when
She doesn't

to see. They're

everywhere.

to take in all
You

scan the

you get on. If you see one itmakes your day.

have to be cute-that's

not what

you're

after-it's

her energy

you want. You love how they look, especially the stereotypicalones, the
ones whose

hair and clothes

and body make

some wild

statement

about

politics or philosophy or perhaps just plain indifferenceabout thewhole

beauty myth.

You hate Andrea Dworkin,

snide comments

in the margins.

You

but read her anyway and make

adore Alice Walker.

You don't

call

yourself bisexual,because it seems ridiculous to defineyourself by the gen

der of the person you're close to, when

the gender has never been a decid

ing factor at all. It's the '90s and feminism

is now

less miffed.

So you call

yourself a feminist.Feminist,with a hint of fruit.

Then

at a basketball game you see a new person

in your

team's jersey.

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572

CarolynPajor

That boy turns out to be a girl.

What's that boy doing on our team,you wonder.

Her name
she were

isAJ. Her legs are hairy and her head is shaved. You
an animal,

think that if

she'd be a deer, because her face is soft and beautiful

and inviting. She plays basketball

one tiny crystal earring,

the way you do and wears

exactly

the kind you've

always wanted.

You're

just

enchant

ed. Her eyes and hair are brown but that's not even it anymore. After

that such a decent

have imagined
on a blustery
the most

two

you can't stand it, you have to kiss her because you never

snowy months

exquisite gift of your

and beautiful

person

could exist. Then

the angels and spirits and saints give you

January evening,

the deer of a girl with

life, because

the crys

tal earring feels exactly the same way you do.

Now you're
who

terrified. You

think you want

shaves her head, doesn't

Patriarchy.She loves Andrea

to spend your

life with

shave her pits, and says things

Dworkin.

She's

like Fuck the

X of feminism.

the Malcolm

Your mother

hates her, and your father can't bring himself

One summer

afternoon,

to look at her.

in a fit of despair over the choices you've made

throws a saltshaker at her. She misses. When

life, your mother

a girl

in

she tries to

apologize, AJ laughs and says it's a good thing she has such bad aim.
But you appreciate her Malcolm

X strength. You need it for when

calls. Are you happy?she whispers,

mother

Yes mom, you say. Really? she says, not

and begin to shake. You've

phone

fallen in love with

heart

awoman,

tightens. You know you're

phone with your mother,

you have when
Months

truly in wonder.

done something
trapped. There's

lifewithout

nothing

her. Yet when

the choices you've made

this. Your

you can do

you hang up the

terrify you. What will

you're 50?

pass. You adore AJ, yet more

and more

to touch her. It's not that you don't want

about it.One

You hang up the

terribly wrong. You've

and you had a choice. You chose

now. You can't imagine your

your

at the end of each conversation.

you can't bring yourself

to. It's not that you don't

time, with your hand on her, you were

struck with

think

the hor

rifyingrealizationthat thiswas something you could not do forever.What

iswrong

with

you? Why

loathe this thought,

Your connection
in everything

are you here? Are you not gay enough?

You

yet you feel like such an imposter.

with AJ grows more

you do. You

tenuous

daily. She is finding fault

love her, yet you cannot

touch her. And

end

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CarolynPajor

573

ing the connection feels like tearingoff a limb from your body. It'sun
imaginable.
Now you hate your sexuality. It's tangledandmessy and filledwith too
choices. You wish you were

many

a lesbian. God you should be. You

look

it.You play basketball.You surround yourself and go ga-gawhen you see

one in public. And everyone thinks you're one, anyway. They don't
understand the bisexual part.When you try to explain, their eyes glaze
over. Then you get paranoid, andwonder what they're thinking. You
want

to say, Gender has nothing todo with love.You want

to say, A person's body is

to say, Just because in theoryI canfuck everyonedoesn'tmean

just theirshell.You want

thatI want toor thatI do.

But you're not fucking anyone now. AJ has left you, and you are sad for

two years.
PART II

Years pass. Dykes continue to draw your eye. If you're bisexual, how
come you haven't

been intimate with

aman

since the Persian Gulf War?

You think it's dormant. Once you figure your gay thing out, you'll be
free. The day you decide
woman,

that you

truly want

a raging crush on a man

you develop

to spend your

life with

you work with.

Is this a

story that has no ending?

Then you meet Cherie. She's half Native, half white, a voluminous
drinker, an incessant smoker, and a flagrant litterer. It'smywhiteside,she
says, as she flicks her tenth cigarette butt out your window.
shaved and her muscular
heavy silver chain
mocks

you for not

everyone

Her head

is

arms bear four tattoos of swallows. She wears

loosely around

her neck, boy jeans, a tight shirt. She

letting her drink beer in your car. She calls you and

else Baby. It takes her five hours from the moment

you meet

her

to take you to bed.

I don't even know you, you think, as she's kissing you and pressing her
body against yours. You smell her smoke. You want
But she won't

take off her shirt, and won't

this. It's been so long.

let you touch her. Her hand is

hard and fast and goes to your softest spots too quickly. She won't
roll to the top. You've
when

you want

never met

anyone

let you

like her. She's all silver chain,

the swallows. You will never come with her, yet she clings

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574

CarolynPajor

to you when she's coming, baby,baby,she's coming. Afterwards, she clings

toyou and restsher stubblyhead on your chest.You kissher foreheadand
rock her to sleep. You want
You

love it that you're

to be a free bird, too.

glad to be here. You will

to a woman.

falling asleep next

it's her. I've just had the worst

sex of my

rock Cherie

You

like it that

life, you tell yourself, but I'm still

to sleep four more

nights

and miss

herwhen she'sgone.
This iswhat you must know about bisexuals: lesbianisn't the only way
to be gay. Lesbian isn't the only dyke. You can be 50-50. You can be 70-30.
You can choose this. And me,
open,

this iswhere

region where

Iwant

I chose

this.With my

eyes wide and my

arms

to be. I'm on the dykey side of bi, a nebulous

girls are my present,

boys are my

past, and my

future

is a

strong personwith abeautiful heart.

And this iswhat you must know about the gay community: transgen
dered people are the second-class citizens, and bisexuals are below even
them. We're

the white

trash of the gay world,

a group whom

it's socially

acceptable to not accept. Feeling awkward amongst straights iswhat it

feels like to be bi. Being distrusted

amongst

gays iswhat

it feels like too. So

Imake my friendsand takemy lovers in peoplewho transcend the suspi

cions of their posse. My

friends almost

always support me,

but

it's my

loverswho will alwaysdefineme.

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