Domestic violence against men: Know the

signs
Domestic violence against men isn't always easy to identify, but it can be
a serious threat. Know how to recognize if you're being abused and
how to get help.
By Mayo Clinic Staf

Women aren't the only victims of domestic violence. Understand the signs of
domestic violence against men, and know how to get help.

Recognize domestic violence against men

Domestic violence also known as intimate partner violence occurs
between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence against men
can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and
threats of abuse. It can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships.
It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the
relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in
ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse
might appear as isolated incidents. Your partner might apologize and promise
not to abuse you again.
In other relationships, domestic violence against men might include both
partners slapping or shoving each other when they get angry and neither
partner seeing himself or herself as being abused or controlled. This type of
violence, however, can still devastate a relationship, causing both physical and
emotional damage.
You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

Calls you names, insults you or puts you down

Prevents you from going to work or school

Stops you from seeing family members or friends

Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear

Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful

Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs

Threatens you with violence or a weapon

Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children
or your pets

Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will

Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it

If you're gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing

domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:

Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your

sexual orientation or gender identity

Tells you that authorities won't help a gay, bisexual or transgender

person

Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that gay,
bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant

Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" gay, bisexual or
transgender

Says that men are naturally violent

Children and abuse

Domestic violence afects children, even if they're just witnesses. If you have
children, remember that exposure to domestic violence puts them at risk of

developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school,

aggressive behavior and low self-esteem. You might worry that seeking help
could further endanger you and your children, or that it might break up your
family. Fathers might fear that abusive partners will try to take their children
away from them. However, getting help is the best way to protect your children
and yourself.

Break the cycle

If you're in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:

Your abuser threatens violence.

Your abuser strikes you.

Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and ofers gifts.

The cycle repeats itself.

Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time.
Domestic violence can leave you depressed and anxious. You might be more
likely to abuse alcohol or drugs or engage in unprotected sex. Because men
are traditionally thought to be physically stronger than women, you might be
less likely to report domestic violence in your heterosexual relationship due to
embarrassment. You might also worry that the significance of the abuse will
be minimized because you're a man. Similarly, a man being abused by
another man might be reluctant to talk about the problem because of how it
reflects on his masculinity or because it exposes his sexual orientation.
If you seek help, you also might confront a shortage of resources for male
victims of domestic violence. Health care providers and other contacts might
not think to ask if your injuries were caused by domestic violence, making it
harder to open up about abuse. You might fear that if you talk to someone
about the abuse, you'll be accused of wrongdoing yourself. Remember,
though, if you're being abused, you aren't to blame and help is available.

Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it's a friend, relative, health
care provider or other close contact. At first, you might find it hard to talk about
the abuse. However, you'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed
support.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violenceagainst-men/art-20045149

Breaking the wall of secrecy on the sexual abuse

of men by women
Our collective difficulty in understanding and addressing this taboo is tied up
in our archaic conceptions of sexuality

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Ally Fogg
theguardian.com, Monday 9 June 2014 11.21 BST
Jump to comments (717)

How does it happen? Alcohol is implicated in a very large proportion of accounts. Photograph:
joefoxphoto/Alamy

"You don't feel like a person any more. You feel like a thing. Like you're
subhuman. It gets to you, and you stop thinking of yourself as human. You
stop thinking you deserve to be happy, or that you deserve to have friends
or to be loved.
"Eventually, you stop thinking you deserve to live. Maybe you act on those
feelings, maybe you don't. I did. I was hospitalised four times before I finally
got help and found a therapist who took me seriously and told me it wasn't
my fault."
The first-person accounts posted on Reddit last week by survivors of
sexual abuse have many familiar elements. They recount post-traumatic
stress and emotional damage, the sexual dysfunction and difficulties
forming relationships, and most commonly the disbelief and victimblaming that greet attempts to report or share the details, even with trusted
friends. The only difference with the hundreds of stories shared on one
remarkable, often heartbreaking thread is that all were from men,
recounting their abuse by women. Many told of childhood sexual abuse,
others described sexual assaults, all the way up to forced penetrative sex,
committed by women on teenage or adult males.

Of course Reddit is not a verified source. Anyone can register under any
name, and many of the accounts were posted under so-called throwaway
monikers. But before anyone dismisses the anecdotes out of hand,
consider that whenever academic researchers have asked the question,
they have found astonishingly high incidence of this crime.
In 2010, the largest survey of its type in the world the US Centre for
Disease Control's National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey
found that the rates of men being forced to penetrate women over the
previous year were identical to the rates of women reporting being raped:
1.1%. Lifetime prevalence of the crimes were 4.8% for men and 17.8% for
women. Meanwhile, men reporting sex through coercion was 1.5% over the
past year (6% lifetime) compared with 2% (13% lifetime) for women.
These findings were not wildly out of step with precedent. I collated much
of the previous research in a blogpost. A consensus emerged that not only
do a significant minority of men report having been forced or coerced into a
sexual act in their lifetime, even higher numbers of women admit to having
forced or coerced a man to do so. Our collective ignorance of these issues
does not arise from lack of data, but from a wilfully constructed wall of
secrecy.
How does it happen? Alcohol is implicated in a very large proportion of
accounts, men passing out at parties and coming around to find
themselves being molested, or being assaulted by a woman. Other
accounts include threats, blackmail or even brute force and violence. Not
all men are bigger, stronger or more assertive than all women. There is
very little understanding that not only is sexual abuse of men by women
potentially damaging to the victim, it is also a criminal offence, carrying a
maximum sentence of life imprisonment.
Whenever I have written on this topic, I receive a new batch of comments,
emails and messages from men saying, yes, this happened to me too.
Inevitably, I have received many more offering ridicule, mockery and
outright denial. The most powerful response to such attitudes came in a
stunning, stomach-twisting monologue by the actor and writer Andrew

Bailey, which went viral a couple of months ago. Anyone who has ever
reacted to this issue with words such as "lucky bastard, wish that had
happened to me" should perhaps get their pocket money stopped until they
have sat down and watched this brilliant little film to the end.
Just raising this issue is difficult. By talking about it, I will be accused of
undermining attempts to address the rape and sexual assault of women
which is, by any measure, the more extensive and harmful social
phenomenon and public health crisis. There are indeed poisonous souls
who use "yeah, well women are just as bad" as a vapid and vacuous
response to complaints about male violence against women, and that is
shameful. Such fears, however, cannot justify leaving any victims ignored,
maligned and misunderstood. The only correct response to learning about
the prevalence of male victims is not to treat female victims as a lower
priority, but all victims as a higher priority.
Our collective difficulty in understanding and addressing the sexual abuse
of men by women is tied up in our archaic and damaging conceptions of
both male and female sexuality. No, boys and men are not always gagging
for sex with anyone, under any circumstances. No, women are not
invariably coy, chaste flowers awaiting a Romeo to sweep them off their
feet. I thoroughly agree with the campaigners who call for better education
of our young people on what true sexual consent really looks like. We also
need to take on board that such lessons are not only needed by young
men.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jun/09/breaking-wall-secrecysexual-abuse-men-women

Turning a blind eye to sexual abuse of boys and men

By Jaevion Nelson
Jamaica has a very antiquated definition of 'sexual intercourse' that
does not in any way represent the gamut of sexual experiences people
have been practising for centuries. Of course, the more prudish among

us might find some of these practices quite perverse, kinky, impure

and/or immoral.
The Sexual Offences Act 2009 defines sexual intercourse as "the penetration
of the vagina of one person by the penis of another person". How limiting!
Consequently, rape is therefore curiously considered as being perpetrated
only against females. In Section 3(1), it explicitly states "a man commits the
offence of rape if he has sexual intercourse with a woman (a) without the
woman's consent; and (b) knowing that the woman does not consent to sexual
intercourse or recklessly not caring whether the woman consents or not".
Do our legislators really think only females can be raped and that only males
can perpetrate such brutal acts? Men can be raped as well. By both men and
women. People can be anally and orally raped as well.
I didn't grow up hearing much about sexual molestation, abuse and violence
of males. Apparently, it's emasculating to think that a man can be raped. I only
heard about such incidents when it involved a man and a boy. One of the first
incidents I learned about was about September 2000 when one of my friends
was raped by an older man.
The situation was handled quite poorly. He didn't get the support he needed.
Shamefully, this was never (by law) a rape case, given the current limitations
in The Sexual Offences Act. There are many others like him. We can't truly
address sexual violence in Jamaica if we continue to turn a blind eye to sexual
abuse of boys and men. It's frightening to think that if I were to be raped, I
could never take the matter to the court as an incident of rape (which has a
punishment of up to life imprisonment). How would you feel if you, your son,
husband, nephew or male cousin were raped? Would it not be distressing that
you/they will never truly get the justice they deserve? That the perpetrator will
never feel the full extent of the law?
Silent victims
We have to be concerned. Too many males are suffering in silence. Too many
have been robbed of their innocence and their peace of mind. Too many are
too afraid to seek support because the system is biased and woefully illequipped to cater to the issue of sexual abuse and violence against men and
boys.
A few Sundays ago, I read a horrifying news report in the Jamaica
Observer about a 15-year-old boy in a most harrowing situation. The

adolescent has lived in several places of safety for children and has been
raped multiple times in seven of these facilities. He has now chosen to reside
on the streets as a consequence of his experiences.
We can't build a nation if we continue to play blind to the prevalence of
intergenerational relationships in our community. And let's be honest, yes,
some of these children are sent by their parents, some are lured by adults and
some by consent - no pressure whatsoever - for one or more reasons,
including to support themselves financially. Or just to buy the latest
smartphone. However, the reasons for these children to enter these
relationships should not be used to ignore the illegality of these incidents.
Official Reports
Between 2007 and 2011, the Office of the Children's Registry (OCR) received
7,245 reports of sexual abuse of our children. The incidents reported related
to oral sex, incest, exhibitionism, buggery, rape, and fondling. There is also an
unspecified, which related to 918 of the reports. Of the 7,245 reports received,
429 of them were reports of sexual abuse against males. I highly doubt these
cases represent the true number of violations being perpetuated against our
children, boys especially.
The upcoming review of the Sexual Offences Act later this year is an excellent
opportunity for us to broaden the definition of sex that includes anal and oral
sex; one that doesn't render one gender as being powerless to the other. This
time, we must ensure there is true equality before the law. It must provide
provisions that allow men to seek justice for being raped.
Jaevion Nelson is a youth development, HIV and human rights advocate.
http://mobile.jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20140313/cleisure/cleisure4.php

Women On The Prowl: Grown Women

Sexually Abusing Teenage Boys Much More
Frequently Than Reported
Published: Sunday | January 31, 20100 Comments

Arthur Hall, Senior Staff Reporter

FEMALE SEXUAL predators are on the prowl in Jamaica, targeting young boys, but
most of these abusive acts are occurring below the radar.

Most of the cases of sexual abuse of boys by women are not reported to the police and,
in some instances, are condoned by society which sees it as a badge of honour for the
boy even though he is below the age of consent.
Consultant clinical psychologist Dr Karen Richards told The Sunday Gleaner that,
around the world, there is an under-reporting of cases where women sexually abuse
young boys.
According to Richards, the Jamaican culture makes it unlikely that young boys initiated
into sex by grown women would report it to the police.
"Many people don't even see this as abuse."
Last year, no more than three cases of boys abused by women were reported to the
police Centre for Investigation of Sexual Offences and Child Abuse (CISOCA).
"From time to time, we do find cases of that nature but not a lot," head of CISOCA,
Deputy Superintendent Herfa Beckford, told The Sunday Gleaner.
"Last year, we had two or three cases, but I'm not sure if there were more. Maybe there
were more, but we can only speak to what was reported to us," Beckford said.
under-reported cases
The Office of the Children's Registry (OCR) also believes that a number of cases are
under-reported.
In 2009, the registry received 6,150 reports of child neglect and abuse, but only a small
fraction of that related to older women abusing young boys.
"Our statistician has recorded some cases of women abusing boys, but it is a small
number. The victims are usually the ones who report cases of sexual abuse, but many
people see this as the boys being macho and not sexually abused," said Trevesa
DaSilva, public education specialist at the OCR.
This is a perception that has not surprised Richards: "Our boys are not encouraged to
talk about sexual abuse, they keep it as a secret," she said.
"Some men I have known say when they tried to talk about sexual abuse to relatives or
friends, they were laughed at. What are you complaining about? I should be so lucky is
the usual response," added Richards.

That's a story shared by a graduate of a Corporate Area secondary school who told The
Sunday Gleaner he was coerced into a relationship with a female teacher while he was
in 10th grade and not yet 16 years old.
"But when I told my friends, everyone just big me up and tell me say me a star and me
would be a fool if me tell the principal," the young man recounted.
Growing up, he accepted it as a badge of honour, though now, on reflection, he realises
that he was sexually abused by that teacher.
For Richards, this story could be repeated by many Jamaican boys with the adult
female being a helper, an aunt, an older cousin or some other authority figure.
"If you have been sexually abused by a woman and society does not see women as
sexually abusive, then nobody believes you. You go to the police station and they don't
believe.
"If you tell your grandparents that this is what your aunt did, would they believe you?
They probably have never even heard of a woman who sexually abuses children," said
Richards.
seen as caregivers
She argued that in Jamaica, women are seen as caregivers and even when persons
believe stories of women physically abusing children, they are less likely to believe
stories of sexual abuse.
"Our boys are in a difficult spot because we have lost the rite of passage where you
become a man by doing something or achieving something. What we have come down
to is the basic element where sex is the mark of a man," said Richards.
Jamaican children are becoming sexually active younger, she said, and the society
either ignores the sexual activities of the boys or adopt a congratulatory approach by
giving them a pat on the back.
The clinical psychologist told The Sunday Gleaner that in her practice, she is seeing
more and more men struggling to deal with their current relationships because of sexual
abuse when they were young.
"They don't often describe it is as sexual abuse, but if you probe, they tell you that their
feelings are dated back to their childhood and then they go on to describe sexual
activities that happened with older women."

According to Richards, the physiological consequences of that abuse impacts their

behaviour towards women in general later in life.
"An unexplained anger against women which sometimes results in the most horrific
violence or just a communication style in a relationship that does not work," added
Richards.
"So the sexually abused boy of today might abuse other children or grow into a man
who has difficulties functioning in a relationship."
Reporting cases of abuse
To report cases of abuse, contact one or all of the following state agencies:
The Child Development Agency
48 Duke Street, Kingston, Jamaica
Tel.: 876-948-7206/876-948-7067 Fax: 876-924-9401
www.cda.gov.jm/
Office of the Children's Registry
A record 10,000 cases of child abuse were reported to the Office of the Children's
Registry since its inception in 2007.
To contact the office, call 1-888-PROTECT (1-888-776-8328).
Centre for the Investigation of Sexual Offences and Child Abuse - Jamaica
(CISOCA)
Tel: 926-4079, the nearest police station or 119.
Our boys are not encouraged to talk about sexual abuse; they keep it a secret.
http://jamaica-gleaner.com/gleaner/20100131/lead/lead3.html

Boys Abused In Silence

Published: Friday | May 30, 201416 Comments

12>

Barrington Flemming, Gleaner Writer

WESTERN BUREAU:
A senior official of Women Incorporated in western Jamaica has decried the cloak
of silence that results in many cases of sexual and physical abuse against boys
going unreported in the society.
Elise Thomas, western regional director of Woman Incorporated, whose office covers St
James, Hanover, Westmoreland, and Trelawny, indicated that many persons have
blatantly refused to report cases of sexual abuse against boys because they believe the
boys will be too ashamed in a society that celebrates ideas of masculinity in its males.
"Our boys are under serious attack, physically and sexually. However, because of the
Jamaican culture, it is not reported, as it ought to be," said Thomas. "We keep silent a
lot of times, because, to hear of a boy being molested and you are in the community
and people know, it's worse to talk about it than when it happens to a girl, so it is kept
quiet and that is a shame."

Thomas argued that the silence has proven detrimental to the victims, as it allows the
perpetrators to continue to abuse them because nothing is said or done about it.
"When you keep silent, perpetrators continue to abuse these boys, because people say
they are too ashamed to talk. However, I would encourage them to speak up, because
when you speak up, you open up the situation and expose it, so it is no longer a secret,
and the perpetrators lose their power over the victims," said Thomas.
She reiterated that confronting the issue head-on would ensure that the relevant
interventions are taken to treat and restore the victims to their rightful function in the
society.
Thomas said while for the first quarter of this year no cases of sexual or physical abuse
against boys were reported to her office, research and information obtained from other
sources indicated that boys were being abused.
She said there appeared to be greater levels of abuse of girls and women and that
many cases were reported to her in relation to girls that would subsequently be referred
to the Child Development Agency, as her office only deals with cases of persons 18
years and older.
Thomas blamed the continued incidences of abuse on a devaluation of morals, where
God is taken out of the lives of people and there is a celebration of violence in songs,
which is then accepted and played out in real life.
"What we find is that some boys and men say they are already dead, so they will hurt
and maim and kill without a care in the world," stated Thomas. "They have become
callous ...; they think it is the norm to do this, and in many instances, they get away with
it."
Thomas further argued that many children are not attending Sabbath or Sunday school,
where moral values and attitudes are taught and affirmed, so they grow up without any
moral direction.
Thomas said while men and boys are the perpetrators of sexual abuse and violence
against women, some women are accepting of the harsh behaviour of men and boys.

"Sexual abuse is dominant and some women are accepting of rough treatment. They
verbally express it in conversations with peers, and in songs, women beg you to come
and hurt them. They want hard, rough treatment, so men are psychologically and
verbally goaded into giving them what they ask for," Thomas said.
barrington.flemming@gleanerjm.com