Hillary Clinton CFR Draft Speec

UNCLASSIFIED U.S. Department of State Case No. F-2014-20439 Doc No.
C05762731 Date: 06/30/2015
RELEASE IN PART
B5
ST suggestions
I.
INTRODUCTION
Comment (Sill: separate bullet, since it goes
1. beyond Iran/N. Korea
UNCLASSIFIED U.S. Department of State Case No. F-2014-20439 Doc No. C05762731 Date: 06/30/2015
Comment ($721: I think this trio works better

and it avoids yet another "challenges."
'
Comment [513]: The earlier part of the pare

refers to Americans as well; this point relates to
those abroad.
-. [Comment [574]: Suggest deleting. "Unique"

,
makes the point. Don't push the exceptionalist/

"indispensable nation" line too bard....
.....,---------,4.,..................,N
fFormatted: Strikethrough
( Formatted: Strikethrough
._..1
Comment [STS]: Point here being that those

dumb-power things weren't good or effective in the
20th century either.
untstmuussunnuns..M..1111111Mntntimtnwiptue:.111101,1101.1.4temenutintls.u...11
"
Comment [S79]: I'd suggest this line because it

sets up "smart power" below.
Comment [ST7]; They haven't JUST become

{
that....
Comment [ST9]: simpler, easier for listener to

absorb.
Comment [S19]: Whenever possible,

assert/remind what are the common themes, the core,
guiding principals
Comment [S7101: Point here is that a number of

his predecessors were willing to do all of those
thingand indeed DID all of those things. It's the
"new level" point that sets him apart.
Comment [5711]: Again, it's not yet established

as "nee framework it's really an updating of the
pre-Bush43 framework
Comment [5112]: Seems to me you've got to

mention this here, othenvise it's conspicuous by its
absence
c-Comment [5113]: COMMENT: I'm not sure

these are always opposites; sometimes the arrogance
of power has been rootedin naivet of a particularly
pernicious sort.
Comment (5M): I'm suggesting avoiding echo

of "the ends justifies the means."
Comment [MS]:
"recovery" is a solution, not a
-I problem or crisis.
Comment [5116]: Again, the word
"challenge"justifiablylis in danger of overuse.
Comment [5117]: Here I'm suggesting making

clearer the point that just because climate change is a
"long-term threat" doesn't mean urgent action can be
put off.
..wx--eleautmesovera.auonuauts.....ontsusewecr,euveaxema.uumsaanummwe
really don't think this

clichea throwback to Gerry Fordladds anything.
Comment [ST181: I
Formatted:
Strikethrough
, 1 Formafted:
Strikethrough
...,immsurstrunmum.m.anu.......ann.rnit.n.rmattadatuanmanuts...nninnal
A direct quote from HRC at

the Wednesday lunchand a very good line if put in
the right context, which is what's happening here.
Comment [STU]:
cuz defensive-sounding )
Comment [S120]: cut

id 01912 010.11.131.9111111.10 9
Strikethrough
Fonnatted:
' .1111111..0.1110.11.11.4.7.1.411111.MIlt174.1111....111112=31.13iIMMIIIIMIC.1111: .
the "actors" 1
don'tyetdemand it. They need to be persuaded.
. Comment [Mt]: Unfortunately,
- 1 Comment [ST22]:
everyone'si not just "ours"
point "support" by itself

suggests only the case where such governments
existadding "encourage" suggests promoting
where they don't yet exist, or aren't yet established.
Comment [S123]:
Comment [S124]:
not sure they're "at the
[ essence"
Comment EST25]: This is an important change:

alas, America has emphatically and all too often
NOT been all those good things. We were too often
acting on the priniple that the enemy of our enemy
was our friend, even if that friend was dictatorial
"our son of a bitch." So this needs to be put in terms
of a promise end of more principled application of a
principle that was honored in the breach in the past.
Comment (51261: 1 suspect there will be a

1
question about whether to be this blunt but I'd argue
for it. Bush43 made this concept his own, put his
own brand on it.
Comment E5127]: point being, al Qaeda is, in

[ fact an NGOI
C'omment (S128]: The media doesn't wield the I
4.11.4=ra-etaCtl.
pen, the censors do.
-( Formatted: Highlight
Comment [5129]: This is one of the very few
awkward and not very clear phrases in the speech.

All those "c" words sound like "peter piper picked a
peck..." and I'm not sure what it means.
Formatted: Highlight
Comment [5130]: I would plea for avoiding

"multi-polar." It's a Euro-cliche now gone
universal, but it's not really valid analytically, nor is
it smart to use it, precisely because it does echo the
rhetoric of those who want to see America be "just
another country." Sorry this costs the speech the
"multi-polar"/ "multi-partner" line, but I really think
it's important to remove multipolar from the
vocabulary of the adminisfration. Happy to
elaborate.
Formatted: Strikethrough
Comment [S1311: I find this gratuitous, gilding

the lily, etc. Also, the Santayana quote as become
one of the hoariest clichds around. Whereas, what
follows is a key pointand will get more attention
without the what I'm suggesting be cut
Comment (S732]: I'm not sure what "resources"

means, so suggest cutting
---1 Comment [S133]: "harnessing"? That doesn't .

sound good! Or wouldn't to them.
[ Comment [ST34]: again, I'm looking to tint

back the use of "challenge"
Formatted: Font: Italic
Comment [ST3 5]: this is inutilat jaron that
should be avoided
al=rattavelatumrc-,a-em.rasn=turememanuressurmarttautuvanur......,
rOi
.F natbni:
r
Strikethrough
10
B5
11
[S136]: I think this passage needs

1 Comment
more work.
LFormatted: Highlight
12
13
Comment [S1373: rd like to discuss how this

passagewhich I totally supportwill be read in
[ India.
14
15
Comment [S138]: Urge you cut! I assume it's a

dig at )(agan's book and its title. But it misses the
irony in the tide and ICagan's point That's another
lunch. lust take it out.
ennrtnommamment
runmmantmtranitmrtuntmta
Formatted: Strikethrough, Highlight

Comment [ST39]: "Sovereignty" is a more
1111$119
I.P.MIIIMICRIMS.VIIIM$11.1231$1.10.U111110111..131111111131.11,111111:1
1
complicated point
c
16
17

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Hillary Clinton CFR Draft Speec

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UNCLASSIFIED U.S. Department of State Case No. F-2014-20439 Doc No.

C05762731 Date: 06/30/2015

Comment (Sill: separate bullet, since it goes

1. beyond Iran/N. Korea

Comment ($721: I think this trio works better

Comment [513]: The earlier part of the pare

-. [Comment [574]: Suggest deleting. "Unique"

makes the point. Don't push the exceptionalist/

Comment [STS]: Point here being that those

Comment [S79]: I'd suggest this line because it

Comment [ST7]; They haven't JUST become

Comment [ST9]: simpler, easier for listener to

Comment [S19]: Whenever possible,

Comment [S7101: Point here is that a number of

Comment [5711]: Again, it's not yet established

Comment [5112]: Seems to me you've got to

c-Comment [5113]: COMMENT: I'm not sure

Comment (5M): I'm suggesting avoiding echo

"recovery" is a solution, not a

Comment [5117]: Here I'm suggesting making

really don't think this

A direct quote from HRC at

Comment [S120]: cut

. Comment [Mt]: Unfortunately,

everyone'si not just "ours"

point "support" by itself

not sure they're "at the

Comment EST25]: This is an important change:

Comment (51261: 1 suspect there will be a

Comment E5127]: point being, al Qaeda is, in

pen, the censors do.

awkward and not very clear phrases in the speech.

Comment [5130]: I would plea for avoiding

Comment [S1311: I find this gratuitous, gilding

Comment (S732]: I'm not sure what "resources"

---1 Comment [S133]: "harnessing"? That doesn't .

[ Comment [ST34]: again, I'm looking to tint

Formatted: Font: Italic

Comment [ST3 5]: this is inutilat jaron that

[S136]: I think this passage needs

Comment [S1373: rd like to discuss how this

Comment [S138]: Urge you cut! I assume it's a

Formatted: Strikethrough, Highlight

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