7 ways to choose the right life partner

7 ways to choose the right life partner

Selecting the right life partner is necessary to lead a happy married life. Here's how you
can select your perfect one
There are many factors that one needs to consider when choosing a life partner. The most
important aspect is to consider things that are crucial to you.
Find someone who you can connect with easily
It is very important to choose somebody who you can easily strike a conversation with. This
way, you can enjoy doing things and talking about them together without getting bored.
Potential partner with same interests
Selecting someone who shares a lot of common interests with you will work in your favour.
Remember that all your interests don't really have to be the same, but some would do. Says
clinical psychologist and relationship expert Seema Hingorrany, "When you decide to spend
your life with someone, you must look at things that the two of you would love to do
together. For example, if you are a movie buff, you would ideally like to be with someone
who enjoys movies as well. This will make your life interesting."
Consider your partner's intellect
If you are a laid-back person and your partner is an over-achiever, that could lead to a threat
in your marriage. You must see eye to eye on how both of you are able to think and process
things.
It's okay to have standards
While choosing a life partner, you need to consider your and your family's standards.
Though it's okay to choose someone who probably does not belong to the same strata of
society as yours, make sure that he/she's not completely off the mark.
You should have respect for one another
You obviously cannot spend your life with someone who has no respect for you or your
dreams/goals or your personality. So, choose someone who will acknowledge you for the
rest of your life.

Is your potential trustworthy

In this day and age, it is extremely important to choose someone you can trust. You
definitely cannot lead a happy marriage if you cannot trust each other or have faith.
Spend time together
Just as important as it is to have similar interests, it is also crucial to be with someone who
gives you enough time and who you would love to spend time with.

How to Pick Your Life Partner

Part 1
By Tim Urban

To a frustrated single person, life can often feel like this:

And at first glance, research seems to back this up, suggesting that married
people are on average happier than single people and much happier than
divorced people. But a closer analysis reveals that if you split up married
people into two groups based on marriage quality, people in self-assessed
poor marriages are fairly miserable, and much less happy than unmarried
people, and people in self-assessed good marriages are even more happy
than the literature reports. In other words, heres whats happening in
reality:
1

Dissatisfied single people should actually consider themselves in a neutral,

fairly hopeful position, compared to what their situation could be. A single
person who would like to find a great relationship is one step away from it,
with their to-do list reading, 1) Find a great relationship. People in unhappy
relationships, on the other hand, are three leaps away, with a to-do list of 1)
Go through a soul-crushing break-up. 2) Emotionally recover. 3) Find a great
relationship. Not as bad when you look at it that way, right?
All the research on how vastly happiness varies between happy and unhappy
marriages makes perfect sense, of course. Its your life partner.
Thinking about how overwhelmingly important it is to pick the right life
partner is like thinking about how huge the universe really is or how
terrifying death really isits too intense to internalize the reality of it, so we
just dont think about it that hard and remain in slight denial about the
magnitude of the situation.

But unlike death and the universes size, picking a life partner is fully in your
control, so its critical to make yourself entirely clear on how big a deal the
decision really is and to thoroughly analyze the most important factors in
making it.
So how big a deal is it?
Well, start by subtracting your age from 90. If you live a long life, thats
about the number of years youre going to spend with your current or future
life partner, give or take a few.
Im pretty sure no one over 80 reads Wait But Why, so no matter who you
are, thats a lot of timeand almost the entirety of the rest of your one
existence.
(Sure, people get divorced, but you dont think you will. A recent studyshows
that 86% of young people assume their current or future marriage will be
forever, and I doubt older people feel much differently. So well proceed
under that assumption.)
And when you choose a life partner, youre choosing a lot of things, including
your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children,
your eating companion for about 20,000 meals, your travel companion for
about 100 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement friend, your
career therapist, and someone whose day youll hear about 18,000 times.
Intense shit.
So given that this is by far the most important thing in life to get right, how is
it possible that so many good, smart, otherwise-logical people end up
choosing a life partnership that leaves them dissatisfied and unhappy?
Well as it turns out, there are a bunch of factors working against us:

People tend to be bad at knowing what they want

from a relationship
Studies have shown people to be generally bad, when single, at predicting
what later turn out to be their actual relationship preferences. One study
found that speed daters questioned about their relationship preferences
usually prove themselves wrong just minutes later with what they show to
prefer in the actual event.
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This shouldnt be a surprisein life, you usually dont get good at something
until youve done it a bunch of times. Unfortunately, not many people have a
chance to be in more than a few, if any, serious relationships before they
make their big decision. Theres just not enough time. And given that a
persons partnership persona and relationship needs are often quite different
from the way they are as a single person, its hard as a single person to
really know what you want or need from a relationship.

Society has it all wrong and gives us terrible advice

Society encourages us to stay uneducated and let romance be

our guide.
If youre running a business, conventional wisdom states that youre a much
more effective business owner if you study business in school, create well
thought-out business plans, and analyze your businesss performance
diligently. This is logical, because thats the way you proceed when you want
to do something well and minimize mistakes.
But if someone went to school to learn about how to pick a life partner and
take part in a healthy relationship, if they charted out a detailed plan of
action to find one, and if they kept their progress organized rigorously in a
spreadsheet, society says theyre A) an over-rational robot, B) way too
concerned about this, and C) a huge weirdo.
No, when it comes to dating, society frowns upon thinking too much about it,
instead opting for things like relying on fate, going with your gut, and hoping
for the best. If a business owner took societys dating advice for her
business, shed probably fail, and if she succeeded, it would be partially due
to good luckand thats how society wants us to approach dating.

Society places a stigma on intelligently expanding our search for

potential partners.
In a study on what governs our dating choices more, our preferences or our
current opportunities, opportunities wins hands downour dating choices
are 98% a responseto market conditions and just 2% immutable
desires. Proposals to date tall, short, fat, thin, professional, clerical,
educated, uneducated people are all more than nine-tenths governed by
whats on offer that night.
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In other words, people end up picking from whatever pool of options they
have, no matter how poorly matched they might be to those candidates. The
obvious conclusion to draw here is that outside of serious socialites,
everyone looking for a life partner should be doing a lot of online dating,
speed dating, and other systems created to broaden the candidate pool in an
intelligent way.
But good old society frowns upon that, and people are often still timid to say
they met their spouse on a dating site. The respectable way to meet a life
partner is by dumb luck, by bumping into them randomly or being introduced
to them from within your little pool. Fortunately, this stigma is diminishing
with time, but that its there at all is a reflection of how illogical the socially
accepted dating rulebook is.

Society rushes us.

In our world, the major rule is to get married before youre too oldand too
old varies from 25 35, depending on where you live. The rule should be
whatever you do, dont marry the wrong person, but society frowns much
more upon a 37-year-old single person than it does an unhappily married 37year-old with two children. It makes no sensethe former is one step away
from a happy marriage, while the latter must either settle for permanent
unhappiness or endure a messy divorce just to catch up to where the single
person is.

Our Biology Is Doing Us No Favors

Human biology evolved a long time ago and doesnt understand

the concept of having a deep connection with a life partner for 50
years.
When we start seeing someone and feel the slightest twinge of excitement,
our biology gets into okay lets do this mode and bombards us with
chemicals designed to get us to mate (lust), fall in love (the Honeymoon
Phase), and then commit for the long run (attachment). Our brains can
usually override this process if were just not that into someone, but for all
those middle ground cases where the right move is probably to move on and
find something better, we often succumb to the chemical roller coaster and
end up getting engaged.

 Biological clocks are a bitch.

For a woman who wants to have biological children with her husband, she
has one very real limitation in play, which is the need to pick the right life
partner by forty, give or take. This is just a shitty fact and makes an already
hard process one notch more stressful. Still, if it were me, Id rather adopt
children with the right life partner than have biological children with the
wrong one.
___________________
So when you take a bunch of people who arent that good at knowing what
they want in a relationship, surround them with a society that tells them they
have to find a life partner but that they should under-think, under-explore,
and hurry up, and combine that with biology that drugs us as we try to figure
it out and promises to stop producing children before too long, what do you
get?
A frenzy of big decisions for bad reasons and a lot of people messing up the
most important decision of their life. Lets take a look at some of the
common types of people who fall victim to all of this and end up in unhappy
relationships:

Overly Romantic Ronald

Overly Romantic Ronalds downfall is believing that love is enough reason on

its own to marry someone. Romance can be a great part of a relationship,
and love is a key ingredient in a happy marriage, but without a bunch of
other important things, its simply not enough.
The overly romantic person repeatedly ignores the little voice that tries to
speak up when he and his girlfriend are fighting constantly or when he
seems to feel much worse about himself these days than he used to before
the relationship, shutting the voice down with thoughts like Everything
happens for a reason and the way we met couldnt have just been
coincidence and Im totally in love with her, and thats all that matters
once an overly romantic person believes hes found his soul mate, he stops
questioning things, and hell hang onto that belief all the way through his 50
years of unhappy marriage.

Fear-Driven Frida

Fear is one of the worst possible decision-makers when it comes to picking

the right life partner. Unfortunately, the way society is set up, fear starts
infecting all kinds of otherwise-rational people, sometimes as early as the
mid-twenties. The types of fear our society (and parents, and friends) inflict
upon usfear of being the last single friend, fear of being an older parent,
sometimes just fear of being judged or talked aboutare the types that lead
us to settle for a not-so-great partnership. The irony is that the only rational

fear we should feel is the fear of spending the latter two thirds of life
unhappily, with the wrong personthe exact fate the fear-driven people risk
because theyre trying to be risk-averse.

Externally-Influenced Ed

Externally-Influenced Ed lets other people play way too big a part in the life
partner decision. The choosing of a life partner is deeply personal,
enormously complicated, different for everyone, and almost impossible to
understand from the outside, no matter how well you know someone. As
such, other peoples opinions and preferences really have no place getting
involved, other than an extreme case involving mistreatment or abuse.
The saddest example of this is someone breaking up with a person who
would have been the right life partner because of external disapproval or a
factor the chooser doesnt actually care about (religion is a common one) but
feels compelled to stick to for the sake of family insistence or expectations.
It can also happen the opposite way, where everyone in someones life
is thrilled with his relationship because it looks great from the outside, and
even though its not actually that great from the inside, Ed listens to others
over his own gut and ties the knot.

Shallow Sharon

Shallow Sharon is more concerned with the on-paper description of her life
partner than the inner personality beneath it. There are a bunch of boxes
that she needs to have checkedthings like his height, job prestige, wealthlevel, accomplishments, or maybe a novelty item like being foreign or having
a specific talent.
Everyone has certain on-paper boxes theyd like checked, but a strongly egodriven person prioritizes appearances and rsums above even the quality of
her connection with her potential life partner when weighing things.
If you want a fun new term, a significant other whom you suspect was
chosen more because of the boxes they checked than for their personality
underneath is a scan-tron boyfriend or a scan-tron wife, etc.because
they correctly fill out all the bubbles. Ive gotten some good mileage out of
that one.

Selfish Stanley

The selfish come in three, sometimes-overlapping varieties:

1) The My Way or the Highway Type
This person cannot handle sacrifice or compromise. She believes her needs
and desires and opinions are simply more important than her partners, and
she needs to get her way in almost any big decision. In the end, she doesnt
want a legitimate partnership, she wants to keep her single life and have
someone there to keep her company.
This person inevitably ends up with at best a super easy-going person, and
at worst, a pushover with a self-esteem issue, and sacrifices a chance to be
part of a team of equals, almost certainly limiting the potential quality of her
marriage.
2) The Main Character
The Main Characters tragic flaw is being massively self-absorbed. He wants
a life partner who serves as both his therapist and biggest admirer, but is
mostly uninterested in returning either favor. Each night, he and his partner
discuss their days, but 90% of the discussion centers around his dayafter
all, hes the main character of the relationship. The issue for him is that by

being incapable of tearing himself away from his personal world, he ends up
with a sidekick as his life partner, which makes for a pretty boring 50 years.
3) The Needs-Driven
Everyone has needs, and everyone likes those needs to be met, but
problems arise when the meeting of needsshe cooks for me, hell be a
great father, shell make a great wife, hes rich, she keeps me organized,
hes great in bedbecomes the main grounds for choosing someone as a life
partner. Those listed things are all great perks, but thats all they areperks.
And after a year of marriage, when the needs-driven person is now totally
accustomed to having her needs met and its no longer exciting, there better
be a lot more good parts of the relationship shes chosen or shes in for a dull
ride.
___________________
The main reason most of the above types end up in unhappy relationships is
that theyre consumed by a motivating force that doesnt take into account
the reality of what a life partnership is and what makes it a happy thing.

How to Pick Your Life Partner

Part 2
By Tim Urban

This is Part 2. Part 1 is here.

Often, the key to succeeding at something big is to break it into its tiniest
pieces and focus on how to succeed at just one piece.
When we examined procrastination, we talked about how a great
achievement is just what a long series of unremarkable tasks looks like from
far away. In the pixel post, we looked at a human life up close and saw that it
was just an ordinary Wednesday, again and again and againand that
achieving life happiness was all about learning to be happy on a routine
weekday.

I think the same idea applies to marriage.

From afar, a great marriage is a sweeping love story, like a marriage in a

book or a movie. And thats a nice, poetic way to look at a marriage as a
whole.
But human happiness doesnt function in sweeping strokes, because we
dont live in broad summationswere stuck in the tiny unglamorous folds of
the fabric of life, and thats where our happiness is determined.
So if we want to find a happy marriage, we need to think smallwe need to
look at marriage up close and see that its built not out of anything poetic,
but out of 20,000 mundane Wednesdays.
Marriage isnt the honeymoon in Thailandits day four of vacation #56 that
you take together. Marriage is not celebrating the closing of the deal on the
first houseits having dinner in that house for the 4,386th time. And its
certainly not Valentines Day.
Marriage is Forgettable Wednesday. Together.
So Ill leave the butterflies and the kisses in the rain and the twice-a-day sex
to youyoull work that part out Im sureand spend this post trying to
figure out the best way to make Forgettable Wednesday as happy as
possible.
To endure 20,000 days with another human being and do so happily, there
are three key ingredients necessary:

1) An Epic Friendship

I enjoy spending time with most of my friendsthats why theyre my

friends. But with certain friends, the time is so high-quality, so interesting,
and so fun that they pass the Traffic Test.
The Traffic Test is passed when Im finishing up a hangout with someone and
one of us is driving the other back home or back to their car, and I find
myself rooting for traffic. Thats how much Im enjoying the time with them.
Passing the Traffic Test says a lot. It means Im lost in the interaction,
invigorated by it, and that Im the complete opposite of bored.
To me, almost nothing is more critical in choosing a life partner than finding
someone who passes the Traffic Test. When there are people in your life who
do pass the Traffic Test, what a whopping shame it would be to spend 95% of
the rest of your life with someone who doesnt.
A Traffic Test-passing friendship entails:

A great sense of humor click. No one wants to spend 50 years fake

laughing.
Fun. And the ability to extract fun out of unfun situationsairport

delays, long drives, errands. Not surprisingly, studies suggest that the
amount of fun a couple has is a strong predictor for their future.
A respect for each others brains and way of thinking. A life

partner doubles as a career/life therapist, and if you dont respect the

way someone thinks, youre not going to want to tell them your
thoughts on work each day, or on anything else interesting that pops
into your head, because you wont really care that much what they have
to say about it.
A decent number of common interests, activities, and people-

preferences. Otherwise a lot of what makes you you will inevitably

become a much smaller part of your life, and you and your life partner
will struggle to find enjoyable ways to spend a free Saturday together.
A friendship that passes the Traffic Test gets better and better with time, and
it has endless room to deepen and grow ever-richer.

2) A Feeling of Home

If someone told you you had to sit in a chair for 12 straight hours without
moving, aside from wondering why the hell they were making you do this,
your first thought would be, I better get in the most comfortable possible
positionbecause youd know that even the slightest bit of discomfort
would grow to pain and eventually, torture. When you have to do something
for a long, long time, its best if its supremely comfortable.
When it comes to marriage, a perpetual discomfort between you and your
partner can be a permanent source of unhappiness, especially as it
magnifies over time, much like your torturous situation in the chair. Feeling
at home means feeling safe, cozy, natural, and utterly yourself, and in
order to have this feeling with a partner, a few things need to be in place:

Trust and security. Secrets are poison to a relationship, because they

form an invisible wall inside the relationship, leaving both people

somewhat alone in the worldand besides, who wants to spend 50
years lying or worrying about hiding something? And on the other side
of secrets will often be suspicion, a concept that directly clashes with
the concept of home. This is why having an affair during an otherwise
good marriage is one of the most self-defeating and short-sighted things
someone could ever do.
Natural chemistry. Interacting should be easy and natural, energy

levels should be in the same vicinity, and you should feel on the same
wavelength in general. When Im with someone on a very different
wavelength than I am, it doesnt take long before the interaction
becomes exhausting.
Acceptance of human flaws. Youre flawed. Like, really flawed. And

so is your current or future life-partner. Being flawed is part of the

definition of being a human. And one of the worst fates would be to
spend most of your life being criticized for your flaws and reprimanded
for continuing to have them. This isnt to say people shouldnt work on
self-improvement, but when it comes to a life partnership, the healthy
attitude is, Every person comes with a set of flaws, these are my
partners, and theyre part of the package I knowingly chose to spend
my life with.
A generally positive vibe. Remember, this is the vibe youre a part
of now, forever. Its not really acceptable for it to be a negative one, nor

is it sustainable. Relationship scientist John Gottman has found that

couples with a ratio of fewer than five positive interactions for every
negative one are destined for divorce.
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3) A Determination to be Good at
Marriage

Relationships are hard. Expecting a strong relationship without treating it like

a rigorous part-time job is like expecting to have a great career without
putting in any effort. In a time when humans in most parts of the world can
enjoy freedom and carve their own path in life, it usually doesnt sit that well
to suddenly become half of something and compromise on a bunch of things
you grew up being selfish about.
So what skills does someone need to learn to be good at marriage?

Communication. Communication being on this list is as silly as

oxygen being on a list of items you need to stay healthy. And yet, poor
communication is the downfall of a huge number of couplesin fact, in
a study on divorcees, communication style was the top thing they said
theyd change for their next relationship. Communication is hard to do
well consistentlysuccessful couples often need to create pre-planned
systems or even partake in couples therapy to make sure it happens.
Maintaining equality. Relationships can slip into an unequal power

dynamic pretty quickly. When one persons mood always dictates the
mood in the room, when one persons needs or opinion consistently
prevail over the others, when one person can treat the other in a way
theyd never stand for being treated themselvesyouve got a problem.
Fighting well. Fighting is inevitable. But there are good and bad ways

to fight. When a couple is good at fighting, they defuse tension,

approach things with humor, and genuinely listen to the other side,
while avoiding getting nasty, personal or defensive. They also fight less
often than a bad couple. According to John Gottman, 69% of a typical
couples fights are perpetual, based on core differences, and cannot be
resolvedand a skilled couple understands this and refrains from
engaging in these brawls again and again.
In searching for your life partner or assessing your current life partnership,
its important to remember that every relationship is flawed and you
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probably wont end up in something that gets an A in every one of the above
items and bullet pointsbut you should hope to do pretty well on most of
them, since each one plays a large part in your lifelong happiness.
And since this is a daunting list to try to achieve in a life partnership, you
probably dont want to make things even harder than they need to be by
insisting upon too many other checkboxesmost of which will not have a
large effect on your happiness during dinner #4,386 of your marriage. It
would be nice if he played the guitar, but take it off the list of must-haves.
I hope Valentines Day was good for you this year, whatever you did for it.
Just remember that Forgettable Wednesday is a much more important day.

Is beauty or brains more important in choosing a life

partner?

The Most Important Thing to Look for

in a Life Partner

e may fall in love with any kind of person, but the person we choose

to marry ourselves to must embody one particular quality: they must be

committed to constant change and transformation.
We should not choose someone who is perfect.
We should choose someone who is perfectly aware they arent perfect,
and who wants to get better with every rising sun

Photo Credit: GORE-TEX Products via Compfight cc

For most couples, my psychotherapy office is a last resort. It takes the deepest courage to
make that first phone call to a therapist, and couples often wait until they feel almost
hopeless. And I am truly blessed to walk through the valleys with such courageous people.
Yet, I must admit, I take a special delight in couples who call earlier. On a rare occasion, I
will get a call from a young couple who is planning to marry and would like premarital
counseling.
They come into the office and they usually sit next to each other and hold hands and gaze
into each others eyes and sometimes I feel a little awkwardlike Ive stumbled into their
date and should give them some privacy. And quite often, they will say things like
Theres nothing wrong with him; hes amazing. Or, Shes absolutely perfect. Or, We
get along all the timewe never fight.
And my alarm bells go off.
Because when Im looking for the building blocks of a lifelong partnership, Im not looking
for two perfect people. (Mainly because two perfect people dont existwere all a glorious
mess of one kind or another.)
No, Im looking for two people who know their brokenness, who know they fall short of
the best ways to love, and who want to get better at itone day at a time, year after year,
decade upon decade.

When Everyone Got Divorced

In 1970, everyone got divorced.
Okay, not everyone got divorced, but the divorce rate skyrocketed in a startling way. In
response, psychologists developed Behavioral Marital Therapy, which included a caring
activities contract.
It was a bit of a disaster.
Essentially, spouses listed the ways they wanted their partner to change, signed a contract
committing the other to doing so, and then each spouse kept a running tally of how often
they were holding up their end of the bargain.
The caring activities contract often led to greater conflict, and therapists no longer use it.
Because the truth is, as spouses, we are ultimately and utterly powerless over our
partners. If our partner truly does not want to change, there is fundamentally nothing we
can do to make them change. In fact, our very efforts to coerce change will further entrench
our loved ones in their existing behaviors.
In marriageand in lifeyou control you. No one else.
Which means the person you choose to spend the rest of your life with had better be
eternally interested in taking a look at their own issues, increasingly willing to be vulnerable

about their own brokenness, and absolutely determined to figure out what it means to love
more deeply and purely.

How I Got Lucky

I remember the night my wife told me her story.
We had known each other for only three weeks, and through the quiet hours of the night she
told me about her journeyit was marked by resilience and tenacity and determination. She
had plenty of reasons to be angry, but instead she was investing her energy into learning
how to love.
And by the time the sun rose, something new had risen in meI didnt know what it was
then, but I did know I wasnt going to let this woman go. Only recently have I realized what
rose up in me that night:
Im attracted to people who like to fightnot with other people, but with
themselves.
Ive admitted here on the blog I can be a bit of a mess at times. So, Ive often wondered how
I didnt screw up my choice of a lifelong companion.
And Im thinking the answer is this: for all my mess, somehow I must have one thing going
right within meI want people in my life who know they are broken and have decided every
day is another opportunity to redeem it. People who fight with themselves firstnot in a
shaming, self-destructive way, but in a resilient, grace-filled effort to be transformed into a
more loving person.
And I guess I lucked out when my wife had the courage to let me see her brokenness and her
love.

Choosing Broken, Resilient Hearts

I think the most important question we must ask ourselvesboth when contemplating the
decision to marry ourselves to one person, and when deciding how much of ourselves to
invest in healing a relationship that has gone awryis, Do I trust the heart of the person I
love?
Are they aware of their brokenness? Can they give grace to themselves and to others in the
middle of their mess? Are they able acknowledge their mistakes and apologize when
necessary? And do they have a deep desire to redeem it all?
Or is the heart of the person I love organized around ego and self-preservation and power
and competition and self-righteousness?
Every relationship hinges upon the answers to these questions.
May we all be asking the right questions.

May each of us be patient, as we wait for that one quiet night when that one person reveals
to us a heart of brokenness, and a heart of grace and sacrifice and love.

Its Not Rocket Science: How to Choose Your Life Partner

POSTED ON NOVEMBER 9, 2009 BY GAIL BRENNER | CATEGORIES: SELF IMPROVEMENT

If you are like me, no one ever sat you down and instructed you on how to choose a life
partner. Yet, this is one of the most critical decisions we will ever make in life with
potentially huge repercussions for a less-than-ideal choice. A long-term relationship can
be one of the most joyous and fulfilling experiences life has to offer. Although you may
not have learned it from your mother, here is what you need to know to choose the life
partner who is right for you.
Consider qualities that are important to you
First, become familiar with the qualities that you desire in a partner. It doesnt matter
what they are what matters is that you are consciously aware of what is important to
you. Take some time to reflect, write a list if it helps you, and keep at it until you are
clear about what you want. Two qualities you might seriously consider are honesty and
openness/flexibility. You need to be able to trust your partner to be straight up with you
about money, preferences, things they are doing, people they are spending time with.
In addition, you will want to choose someone who is open to examining themselves,
willing to take responsibility for their own behavior, and able to move with the ebbs and
flows of life.

Remember these qualities when you are dating

Now that you have developed a list, have the wisdom to use it. We all know how easily
we are sidetracked by sexual attraction, the blush of a new romance, relationship
melodrama. If what you want is a partner for life, forget romance and be logical and
realistic. As you are getting to know your potential partner, take some time to sit by
yourself and determine if he or she possesses the qualities you desire. If so, happily
continue dating. If not, find the strength within yourself to stay aligned with what you
really want, say a kind goodbye, and move on. Abandon hope that things will change in

the future. Base your decision on what you are certain of, which is what you know to be
true now.
Discuss the big issues
I find myself in disbelief when I hear of newly married couples discovering monumental
differences on some of the most essential life choices. Spare yourself this challenge by
initiating open discussions about children (if, when, how many), child-rearing, money,
work, religion, where to live, and relationships with extended family. The purpose of
these discussions is to uncover any fundamental differences between you so you can
decide if you want to continue the relationship. Do the research thoroughly, but also
realize that priorities and preferences have a way of changing over time. This is why
openness and flexibility are important. Learn all you can about your potential mate, and
have the courage to walk away if the fit is not right for you.
Find a good friend
Sharing your life with the right partner is a joy. The intensity of the initial attraction will
subside, so make sure that the friendship is strong. Do you have common interests? Is
your conversation enjoyable and stimulating? Would you choose to spend a free day
with this person? If your answer is yes to these questions, you have in place an
important element that can make your relationship stand the test of time.
Find a lover
You really want the sexual part of your relationship to work, as stumbling in this area can
cause great conflict and dissatisfaction. Appetites will change often once children
arrive or hormones begin to dwindle. Start off with sexual compatibility, and you are
building a strong foundation now and for the future.
Dont think that love, or sexual attraction, is enough
How often have you heard, But I love him? A long-term relationship involves so much
more than love. A successful relationship requires communication and problem-solving
skills, the ability to manage your own emotions, patience, selflessness. You end up
dealing with child-rearing, balance between work and home life, crises that inevitably
arise. Love and sexual attraction are beautiful expressions, but they are not enough for
choosing a life partner.

Determine if you can solve problems together

Notice how you disagree, and how you recover from disagreements. If you or your
partner defend your own positions, you will have difficulty coming to a resolution. The
need to be right limits good communication. Look for, and be, someone who speaks
respectfully and is open to other points of view.

Decide if you can accept your potential partners idiosyncrasies

We all have them. Ways of being, things we do, that are our personalities and quirks.
Take the blinders off, and see with your eyes wide open to determine if the person you
are considering is someone you can actually live with on a daily basis. Reflect on their
energy level, preference for time alone, desire for social interaction, ways of handling
stress, and level of cleanliness. Dont be caught by the trap of hoping they will change,
and dont fool yourself into believing that something that bothers you now wont continue
to fester over time. People do change, but there is no guarantee. Contemplate within
yourself to see if you can accept your potential mate as is.
Know your dealbreakers
Only you can know your bottom line. You deserve to be with someone who is truly
interested in making your relationship thrive. If you are mistreated or disrespected in
any way, think twice before moving forward. Take very seriously problems such as
addiction, large debt, uncontrollable emotions, or severe mental illness. You can have
tremendous compassion for people with these issues, but the likelihood of being in a
satisfying relationship with them is negligible.

Be an amazing partner
While you are looking, use your time wisely. Reflect within yourself to become aware of
the difficulties you might contribute to a relationship. Are you too clingy or afraid of
getting close? Are you overly passive or controlling? Do you need to get your own life
on track in some important way? Are you attracting, and choosing, people who arent
right for you? Do you have annoying habits? Are you a grownup, able to make your

relationship with a partner a priority over your immediate family? Be happy in your own
life, and you will effortlessly bring happiness to others.
In choosing your partner, Im inviting you to use your head as well as your heart. When
you do, you are opening yourself to the possibility for the deepest intimacy and
celebration of life. Allow your heart to expand in every direction, and enjoy the journey!
What have you learned about choosing a life partner? Id love to hear your reactions
and experiences.

Six Questions to Consider in Choosing a Life Partner

Posted by Dr. Ben Kim on Jul 29, 2014
Emotional Health and Well-Being
I've long felt that choosing a life partner should be a subject that is thoroughly
discussed sometime in high school and perhaps even in university. It amazes me that
so little time, if any, is given to considering this topic on a meaningful level in school.
Near as I can tell, it's probably the single most important decision that all of us can
make.
My take is that most people who get married in modern society don't have the foresight
and life experience needed to make the best possible choice.
I'm sure that some people do think things out to a degree that would make Dr. Phil and
Oprah proud, but from my little spot on the planet, it looks like most of us, myself
included, rely mainly on our instincts to choose the one person we want to be with
forever.
And why wouldn't we? Society teaches us that love is what matters. Love is
the onlything that matters. And what is love? Isn't it that special feeling that occupies
your thoracic cavity and makes you feel blissfully alive?
Well, here are some thoughts that I would like my loved ones to consider in choosing a
life partner:

Do you like him?

To me, it's not about if you love him. It's if you actually like him.
The challenge is in knowing if what you are feeling is genuine like as opposed to fool's
like, which I think is really just a symptom of being intoxicated with lust (which I don't
have anything against - I just wouldn't recommend choosing a life partner with fool's
likebeing a primary source of fuel to maintain a healthy relationship).

How do you know if you genuinely like and admire him? Ask yourself if you would want
your child or future child to marry someone like him. And in answering this question,
think about how he consistently behaves, not what he says.
As most of us know, feelings of "being in love" come and go. I wouldn't want to rely on
such feelings to keep my life partnership healthy and intact. Much better, I think, to
have a foundation of genuine like in place. Because ultimately, we want to spend our
time with those we genuinely like.

Why do you like her?

Being drop dead gorgeous, having a trust fund, and taking good care of you are all
weak reasons to like someone. They belong in the what she can do for me category,
which includes the need-to-have-a-trophy-partner-by-my-side-so-that-I-feel-less-likethe-troll-that-lives-deep-within-me reason. Not a very solid foundation.
She can make you laugh your socks off? You admire the way she treats others,
especially in instances when she is unaware that you are aware of what she is doing?
She inspires you to strengthen your character? You respect her work ethic? Here and
there, she blows you away with her thoughts? Now we're talking about some power fuel
to sustain feelings of respect, genuine like, and even adoration for a lifetime.

Do you have the same basic attitudes and beliefs about religion?
Specifically, do both of you have about the same tolerance level for other people's
beliefs? If not, think carefully about how this might affect the way that you feel about
raising your children together.

Speaking of children...
Do both of you have similar feelings on having or not having children? If both of you
want to have children, do you have a good inkling of what type of parent your partner
would make?

Are you relatively clear on how much time you would like to spend
with parents, siblings, relatives, and friends on both sides of your
family?
If you're the type that would absolutely love having your parents in their golden years
living next door or at least in the same town, I would suggest making this perfectly
clear and asking your potential life partner to give this careful consideration and letting
you know how it sits with him or her.
I imagine that very few life experiences can create more sorrow than not being able to
spend time with your loved ones or, on the other side of the fence, being forced to
spend time with people who make it clear through their behavior that they don't cherish
you.

Do you have similar money values?

What do both of you like to spend your money on? Do you spend the bulk of your
money on things or experiences? How much do you spend on items and experiences
that aren't essential to your survival? How much do you like to save?
***
Those are the big ones for me. They're the issues that rise above the inevitable
squabbles that accompany all life partnerships and float around in potential dealbreaker territory.
To be clear, if you just don't like who the other person is (not as obvious as you'd think
or hope in the honeymoon phase), if you don't really laugh together, if you don't have
the same basic attitudes about religion, having children, raising children, other family
members, close friends, and money, you have one or more deal-breakers staring you in
the face.
And people who genuinely care for you won't want to hear "but I love him." Because
they'll be able to see what you can't see in the moment; that what you have isn't the
kind of love that can sustain a healthy life partnership; it's something else that will
probably make you want to punch yourself in the face a few times every day for the
rest of your life beginning in the near future.
Okay, I'm getting carried away, but hopefully, my thoughts on this topic are clear. And
for sure, they're just my thoughts, things that I hope my loved ones consider before
they choose to get married, should they decide that marriage is for them.
Earlier this morning, I asked those who follow our facebook page to share their tips on
choosing a life partner. Choose your best friend, choose someone you respect, be super
careful - these are the recurring pieces of advice that I see in the many responses.
Please feel free to browse through them and even add your own here:
What would you share with your child, grandchild, nephew, or niece about choosing a
life partner?

The 3 Most Important Truths To Finding A Partner For Life

Weve all heard it before: Youll find someone to love when youre not
looking. Some of us believe it, and the rest of us realize how ridiculous and
illogical that statement is. How likely are you to find your car keys if you
dont bother looking for them? How about that matching sock? How likely are
you to receive that promotion if you dont put in the conscious effort to be
noticed?
Just because a person is a living being doesnt mean that he or she will
simply walk into your life. On top of that, if youre not looking, whos to say
that youll notice this person when he or she does happen to walk into your
life?
There is, of course, a difference between actively and passively looking for a
life partner. Looking for someone actively via dating sites or going out to bars
does I promise you have a much higher success rate than not looking at
all does. Yet, actively looking gets tiring, and whether we like to admit it or
not, much of who we meet in our lifetime depends on luck.
Whats important isnt so much spending as much time as possible searching
for someone to love, but rather, making sure that we are prepared to love
once we find someone worth loving.

Find Your Best Friend

How does one prepare to fall in love? We must understand the type of person
that will make us happiest. Not too long ago, one of my readers reached out
and we started chatting. When I asked her what she looked for in a man
yes, I sometimes flirt with my readers, one of the perks her answer was
earnest and simple: Im looking for my best friend.
If we imagine the person we would like to spend the rest of our lives with, the
person we will spend nearly every day with and the person we will raise a
family with and support for as long as we live, we should be looking for the
person that we will have the most fun with a person that will get into
trouble with us, explore with us, support our passions and make us better.
What we should all be looking for is not a husband or wife, but a partner in
crime. Life is supposed to be fun. If its not, you are doing something wrong.

Your Partner Should Be Just That, A Partner

A new friend of mine told me about a time she went to a weeklong retreat,
sort of a detox from her regular life, which was a few hours away from home
up in the woods somewhere. She found herself on a lone bike ride on the
nearby trails, racing up the hill, when a moment of clarity washed over her.
She came to realize that she is a fast-paced, passionate, highly competitive
and relentless person, and what she needs if anything is a person that
she can race through life with.
She needs a person that can not only keep up with her, but also push her,
test her limits, encourage her to improve and better herself. Life is difficult; it
has its ups and downs. We experience successes and failures, good luck and
bad. Life isnt always pleasant, nor is it easy. If we are to find a partner, then
it better be just that: a partner. Our partner shouldnt be someone who
makes our lives more complicated or difficult, but someone that keeps us
focused on our goals and dreams, who will be there to hold our hands when
we feel like the ground is falling away from under our feet.

Find A Mutual Reality

Some people love to live life in the fast lane; some like to take things slower.
Some are extremely competitive and eager to grab life by the balls, while

others just want to take in the quiet beauty that moves along, whether or not
we will it to. There is no single standard for right and wrong. The right person
for you is the person that sees the world almost the same way that you do
almost.
Complete opposites may attract, but they dont last. If you and your partner
dont share very similar beliefs on the most basic of levels, then your
relationship will be filled with nothing but arguments and stress. In order to
share your life, you have to share your world the world that exists only in
your mind and hopefully in your lovers.
However, if you and your partner are too similar, its no good, either;
boredom is a reality. It is possible to find someone who lives in your reality,
but perceives certain things a bit differently, enough to broaden your
horizons and to expose you to other parts of a reality that you can adapt as
your own. Finding a person to love, in summation, relies on understanding
yourself well enough to know what to look for in another. If you dont know
yourself, then you wont know love when it comes your way. Thats
something worth being afraid of.

Kent Nerburn on Marriage

Emotional Health and Well-Being
The following is an excerpt on marriage from Letters to My Son: A Father's Wisdom on
Manhood, Life, and Love , by Kent Nerburn. Many thanks to Mr. Nerburn for graciously
encouraging us to share his thoughts with our guests.
***
Sometimes marriage seems easier to understand for what it cuts out of our lives than
for what it makes possible within our lives. When I was younger this fear immobilized
me. I did not want to make a mistake. I saw my friends getting married from reasons
of social acceptability, or sexual fervor, or just because they thought it was the logical
thing to do. Then I watched as they and their partners became embittered and petty in
their dealings with each other. I looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual
toleration. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days and could not
imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate. On rare occasions, I would
see old couples who somehow seemed to flow in each others presence. They seemed
really in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each others foibles.
It was an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can they
have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the others habits?
What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together,
much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to the claim of
fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad relationship, even though they
both dearly want the relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with
whom you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to
see clearly in the early stages of a relationship. Sexual attraction blinds you to the
thousands of little things by which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to
find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming physical fascination. Some people
choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual
attraction in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it can also leave
a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual altogether in an attempt to get to
know each other apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the
presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from having any
normal perception of what life would be like together. Truly fortunate partners manage
to become longtime friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They
get to know each others laughs, passions, sadnesses, and fears. They see each other
at their worst and at their best. They share time together before they get swept up into
the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.
Laughter is one clue to compatibility. It tells you how much you will enjoy each others
company over the long term. If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at
the expense of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is
the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always surprise each
other. If you can always surprise each other, you can always keep the world around you
new. Beware of a relationship in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate
relationships based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn dour. Over time,
sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you against those who
do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship can become based on being
critical together.
Look for a partner who deals with the world in a way you respect. When two people first
get together, they tend to see their relationship as existing only in the space between
the two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming
power of the emotions they are sharing blinds them to the outside world. As the
relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again. If your
partner treats people or circumstances in a way you cant accept, you will inevitably
come to grief. If you do not respect the way you each deal with the world around you,
eventually, the two of you will not respect each other.
Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live on the cusp of
poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart resides within the poetic. If one of
you is deeply affected by the mystery of the unseen in life and relationships, while the
other is drawn only to the literal and practical, you must take care that the distance
does not become an unbridgeable chasm that leaves you each feeling isolated and
misunderstood.
Take the time to choose a partner carefully and well. Then the real miracle of marriage
can take place in your life. Miracle is a powerful word, and I choose it carefully. But
there is a miracle in marriage the miracle of transformation. Transformation is one of
the most common events of nature. The seed becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes
the butterfly. Winter becomes spring and love becomes a child. Marriage is a
transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted like a seed, and in time it begins

to flower. We cannot know the flower that will bloom, but we can be sure that a bloom
will come. If we have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If we have
chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, or we do not tend our marriage with care, then
the bloom will be flawed.
If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you are able to
grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the endless attraction of the road
not taken and the partner not chosen, if you have the strength to embrace the cycles
and seasons that your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle
that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage well made is worth
your patience.

How to Choose a Life Partner

Choosing your life partner the person you want to spend the rest of your days with
is one of the most important decisions you'll make in your life. Living most of your life
with the person you love can be a joyous, mutually-fulfilling experience, but finding and
choosing the right person can be a monumental task. Luckily, it's something that most
people go through, so you're not alone: in the U.S., people who have never been
married and never want to be married amount to only 5% of the total population. [1] By
having a realistic idea of the kind of person that is right for you, making a strong effort to
find this person, and committing to your relationship, you too can share the rest of your
life with someone you love.

Part 1 of 4: Determining Your Ideal Partner

1.

1
Have an accurate view of yourself. The journey to finding a life partner starts withyou!
To know who will be best for you, you've got to know exactly who you are. Know what
you like, what you don't like, what you're good at, and what you're bad at. Know what
you want out of life and what you want from your partner. Be realistic and honest with
yourself. If you're having a hard time examining yourself, try asking your closest friends
to help you.

Most important of all, love yourself, flaws and all. You can't expect

someone to love you if you can't love yourself. If you try to have a lifelong relationship
when you have a negative self-image, you're likely to self-sabotage and hurt the people
closest to you, so sort this important first step out before you continue.

2
Define your lifes goals. Two people who are spending their lives with each
otherneed to be on the same page for almost all of life's major decisions (if not every
single one). Having a disagreement about a major, non-negotiable aspect of your life

can stop a relationship in its tracks even when two people get along perfectly otherwise.
Be open and honest about these goals trying to lie to yourself can lead to long-term
resentment and isn't fair to your partner. For more discussion on this topic, see the
"Priorities" section below. Below are just a few very important questions that you'll want
to know the answers to before you choose your life partner:
o

Do I want to have children?

Where do I want to live?

Do I want to work or manage the home (or both?)

Do I want my relationship to be an exclusive one?

What do I want to accomplish before I die?

What kind of lifestyle do I want to have?

3
Draw on your experiences from past relationships. If you're having trouble
determining what you want in a partner or what you want out of life, think back to
relationships you've already been in. The choices you make in your relationships,
conscious or unconscious, can help clue you in to the sorts of things you're looking for in
a partner and even the sorts of things that you may need to work on to make a longterm partnership work. Below are just a few of the types of questions you may want to
consider for your past relationships:

What did you like about your partner?

What did you enjoy doing the most with your partner?

What did you disagree with your partner about?

What did you criticize your partner for?

What did your partner criticize you for?

Why did the relationship end?

Ask lots of questions in the early phases of a relationship. As you meet and begin
to date a new person, talk to them about themselves. Ask them about what they like in a
partner, what their life goals are, and what their long-term plans are. Your partner's
ethics, interests, spiritual outlook, and even diet may be important to your long-term
compatibility, so don't be afraid to ask about any of it!
You'll need to consider questions in all areas of lifestyle choices. For

instance, do they smoke, drink, or do drugs? Do they have any personal demons? Will
they be a supportive and understanding person if you wish to change or advance your
career?
o

To be clear, these types of questions aren't necessarily things you should

ask at your first date. Asking very personal questions early on can be a major turn-off
that can sabotage your efforts to start a relationship with someone. However, these
types of major lifestyle questions are probably things that you'll want to know the answer
to within, say, the first six months of your relationship.

Part 2 of 4: Setting Your Priorities

1.

1
Decide whether or not you want kids. This decision is hugely important perhaps
the most important decision you'll make with your partner. In spite of this, a surprising
number of couples fail to discuss this sufficiently before trying to commit to a lifelong
relationship. Raising a child can be the most rewarding thing you ever do, but it's also an
enormous responsibility, a huge financial commitment, and a decision to spend at least
about 18 years or so (possibly more) directly responsible for the care of your child, so
it's not something to be treated lightly.

In the U.S., most people want children,[2] but this is by no means universal,

so don't make assumptions about your partner until you know for sure.

2
Decide how important your culture and religion are to you. Many people's cultural
or religious traditions are a huge part of their life others are agnostic or atheist and
have little in the way of non-mainstream culture or tradition. Both lifestyles are equally
valid, but, for some partners, someone at the opposite end of the spectrum may not be
a viable long-term choice. Before you commit to someone, it's important to have an

honest idea about whether or not it's important for your partner to be like you in this
aspect of life.
To be clear, people from different races, religions, and cultures are

perfectly capable of having happy life-long relationships. For instance, in the U.S.,
interracial couples are more common today than ever before. [3]

Decide how you want to spend your money. Money can be an awkward subject to
talk about, but it's something that it's important for two life partners to be on the same
page about. Money can play an important role in the way a couple's life plays out it
can determine how long the members of the couple work for, the sorts of jobs they'll
take, the lifestyle they'll be able to live, and much more. Having a frank talk about the
ways you plan to save and spend money as a couple is essential for anyone considering
a life-long relationship.
o

As an example of the sorts of financial decisions couples have to make,

consider this: in a couple where one partner wants to spend his late 20s and early 30s
taking lots of trips and exploring the world and the other partner wants to spend this time
building a successful career and saving to buy a house, both partners may not be able
to get their way.

4
Decide how you want your partner to fit into your family (and vice versa). Our
families shape the way we think and act throughout our lives. Having a clear picture of
how you want your partner to fit into your family is a must for anyone thinking of
spending his or her life with someone else. You'll want to know both what role you want
your partner to play in your immediate family (i.e., you and any kids you have) as well as
what role your partner to play in your extended family (i.e., your parents, siblings,
cousins, etc.). Conversely, your partner should also have this figured out for you.

For example, for some couples with children, it's very important for one

parent to be a full-time caretaker. For others, it's OK if a nanny fills the gaps. Similarly,
some people may want to live near their parents and visit frequently, while others may
want more independence.

5
Decide what kind of lifestyle you want to have. This decision is a major one, but,
luckily, it's usually quite clear how your partner wants to live once you begin spending
serious amounts of time with him or her. You and your partner should have compatible

ideas about how you want to spend your free time, how you want to interact with your
friends, and the types of material comforts you want to pursue. While you don't have to
likeall of the same things your partner does, you shouldn't disagree about things that
require major decisions or commitments.
For example, a couple wherein one partner likes watching pro wrestling on

Monday nights and one partner likes watching nature documentaries at the same time
will probably be able to make things work (especially if they agree to buy a DVR). On the
other hand, if one partner wants to buy a house and the other doesn't or one partner
wants to be a "swinger" and the other doesn't, these are major roadblocks to long-term
happiness.

6
Decide where you want to live. Sometimes, location is key to a couple's happiness.
People often want to live near friends or relatives that they're very close to or live in
places where certain types of activities are possible. If both partners can't be satisfied
living in the same place, this can (at the very least) make it necessary to spend lots of
time traveling.

Part 3 of 4: Making Your Relationship Work

1.

1
Let go of expectations. When you're trying to maintain a relationship, don't expect the
other person to be someone they are not. While it's possible for the members of a
couple to compromise on a variety of important issues and even change minor aspects
of themselves for their partner, at their cores, most people are the same person for the
long haul. Avoid having any sorts of illusions about your partner or assigning them
qualities that they lack. Similarly, don't expect a partner to change a major part of who
they are to appease you.
o

For example, it's OK to ask your partner (politely, of course) to start taking
the garbage out sometimes this is a reasonable place to look for compromise.
However, it's not OK to expect your partner to suddenly decide to want kids if they don't
already this is a deeply personal decision that can't reasonably be undone.

2
Be honest about who you are. Just as you shouldn't try to conceal or change any
major part of your partner, it's important to do the same yourself. When dating, it may be
tempting to appease someone you like by manipulating the truth about your past or
present situation. However, this not only leads to personal guilt, but also poses the risk
of problems down the road. When the other person inevitably learns the truth, the level
of trust in the relationship can seriously suffer. [4]

For example, while it's perfectly OK to dress a little fancier than you

normally would for your first few dates, you wouldn't want to pretend that you're agnostic
when you actually are quite religious just to make your date happy. Misleading your
partner about yourself either by lying or omitting information about yourself is an
act of deception that, for many people, can be difficult to recover from.

3
Spend lots of time with a potential partner. What's the best way to find out if you can
spend long amounts of time with someone else? Try to do it! To know if a relationship

will work in the long-term, it's very important to spend lots of time in the other person's
company (ideally in a wide range of environments). If you can stand to be around
someone for days, weeks, or months at a time, you may have a keeper.
o

You'll probably also want to see if this person gets along with the people
who are close to you (and vice versa). Bring your partner to your social engagements
and introduce them to your friends and family. If your partner gets along well with these
people, you have one less thing to worry about.

4
Take your time. You're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, so there's
no reason to rush into things. Give your relationship the chance to grow organically.
Don't stick to an arbitrary schedule for progressing through major relationship events
like "going steady", moving in together, and getting married. If you rush into these
decisions, you run the risk of finding yourself in situations you aren't prepared for with
someone who may or may not be on the same page as you in terms of life priorities.
You'll definitely want to avoid becoming intimately involved with a potential

partner until you get to know the person. While it's certainly possible to turn a casual
relationship into something more serious, sexual intimacy shouldn't be the foundation for
long-term happiness. Though sexual attraction and compatibility are key to a good longterm relationship, waiting allows you to gain a better understanding of whether you are
compatible.

5
Take note of how you act around your partner. If you find yourself acting "fake",
pretending to feel differently than you actually do, or laughing at things you don't think
are funny, this might be a sign that you're not truly comfortable around this person. If,
however, you are relaxed and feel completely natural in the person's presence, you are
on the right track. It's important to be able to be completely genuine around your
partner. Eventually, everyone runs out of the energy to keep "faking it" you don't want
this to happen to you five years into a marriage.

6
Be willing to make sacrifices. No relationship is perfect. There will be times when you
may have to sacrifice your own needs for the sake of your partner. It's up to you to
decide exactly how far you're willing to go in terms of sacrifices most good
relationships involve a healthy give-and-take of sacrifices from both partners.
o

When it comes to making sacrifices for the good of your relationship, small
things, like minor personal habits and behaviors, should be on the table. However, major
life goals usually shouldn't be, as a serious disagreement about one of these can be a

sign that two people are incompatible. For example, deciding to go out drinking with
your friends less often is a reasonable sacrifice to make if you have a spouse and
children. On the other hand, deciding not to have children when you desperately want
them isn't something you should put yourself through.

Part 4 of 4: Finding The Right One

1.

1
Be proactive. There's someone out there for just about everyone all you need to do
is go find this person. If you don't make any effort to meet new people, try new things, or
even leave the house, the odds that you'll find the person who's right for you can be
seriously slim. So, if you're looking to find your life partner, start by getting up and
getting out! Try to spend at least some of your free time attending fun social events,
getting to know new people, and just getting out into the world around you in general.
o

Most dating "experts" will recommend a proactive approach to dating.

Some even rank it as high as your career in terms of the effort you should spend on it! [5]

2
Meet people doing what you love. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to spend
every Friday night in a loud, crowded, overpriced nightclub to meet potential dating
partners, nor do you have to be an immaculately-dressed, debonair, Hollywood type.
While these sorts of approaches work well for some people, most people will have the
greatest success finding partners by simply exploring activities that they love. By doing
this, you're likely run into people with similar interests and outlooks as you, naturally
leading to compatibility.

Even solitary hobbies can lead to opportunities to meet people! Love

reading comic books and playing video games? Attend a convention! Love painting?
Host an exhibition! Like writing? Attend a writer's workshop! There are exciting activities
for almost every interest out there, so start searching!

3
Be yourself. You're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, so isn't it
reasonable to assume that both you and your potential life partner should be completely
open about who you are? In fact, many people are unwilling to completely "open up"
until they've gotten to know someone intimately. If you can stomach the idea, try to be
completely true to yourself from the very get-go through all the stages of a relationship:
asking someone out, going on your first few dates, getting to know each other more
closely, committing to each other, and beyond! By doing this, you give your partner the
chance to fall in love with the real you, rather than forcing them to "hold on" until you're
comfortable being yourself.

4
Dont be afraid. The path to finding your life partner can seem like a perilous one. It can
seem like there's almost no hope you'll find someone who's right for you, especially if
you've recently had to deal with romantic setbacks. No matter what you do, don't ever
give up hope or give in to the fear that you won't find someone. People all over the world
struggle with the same sorts of romantic difficulties that you may be going through right
now. Everyone periodically has personal setbacks. There's no single "right way" to find
your life partner, so don't judge yourself against other people or couples. Don't let
negative thoughts derail your quest to find a life partner. Confidence, fearlessness, and
persistence are key to finding the right person for you!
As an added bonus, confidence is generally considered quite sexy!

o
[6]

Fearless confidence is a self-reinforcing trait that makes you much more attractive to

potential partners: the more confidently you approach dating situations, the more
relaxed you'll be during them, the better time you'll have, and the more confident you'll
be when you approach the next situation.