Better Intimacy, Better Sex

In 1998, Richard and I had a marvelous opportunity to sail around the world as the ballroom
dance teachers on a cruise ship. Many of the places we saw then, such as Oman, Jordan,
Turkey, Morocco, Indonesia and Israel are in turmoil now, and not as safe for tourists. Last
year, when Palestinian soldiers took refuge in the Church of the Nativity at Bethlehem and
were under siege, I marveled that I had stood where they were, and I could picture the
place as the news reports came in. Even when I was there, Israel and Palestine were
struggling, as they have been since Israel was formed.
When we docked in Haifa, Israel, we had only one day, so my Jewish friends, Murray and
Sylvia (who had been there before) and I hired a cab driver who drove us through the entire
length of Israel, to see as much as we could in twelve hours. Getting to Bethlehem was a
lesson in world peace, and I want to share it with you, from my travel notes:
After the long drive back from the Dead Sea, we reach the ancient walls of the Old City in
Jerusalem, and pass right through the old city to go to Bethlehem, just to the south. All
along the way, there is evidence of the constantly changing borders. A barbed-wire and
chain link fence marks the border for many miles, and on either side of it can be seen
buildings with Hebrew signs on the Palestinian side, and Arabic lettering on the Israeli side,
indicating that the land has changed ownership many times. Back and forth, back and forth,
the fence moves, as various skirmishes change the borders. Bethlehem is now under
Palestinian rule since the peace accord four years ago, so our driver feels it is not safe for us
to enter in an Israeli taxihe has phoned across the border and arranged with friends for a
Palestinian car and driver to take us in.
Changing cabs makes the tension of these places palpable. Our driver stops at the
Palestinian border and instructs us to walk across. We feel like characters in a spy movie as
we walk between the crude guard shacks on the Israeli sidewhich are manned by guards
cradling automatic rifleswalk across the no-mans-land in the middle, and then between
the equally crude guard posts and the equally well-armed Palestinian guards, and no one
seems to pay any attention to usthey stare right through us. Our friendly Palestinian
driver, in his Arabic- marked taxi, greets us on the other side. We breathe again.
Bethlehem and the Church of the Nativity are just three miles away, so were there in a few
minutes. As the driver chatters to us in quite serviceable English, we begin to relax. The
friendliness of the two drivers, citizens of warring nations, points out that even when
political situations are uncomfortable, people can find ways to work together. These drivers
are not hostile toward each other, they are helping each other (and us) out. Later, we find
out that many cab drivers would not take their passengers into Bethlehemonly ours
arranged the switch.

The Church of the Nativity turns out to be three churches in one: A Palestinian Christian
church, a Greek Orthodox, and a Catholic churchall 3 buildings are side by side, sharing a
courtyard and some walls, and we walk through each one to get to the next! The oldest
church is the Palestinian Church of the Nativity, originally built in 400 AD. We enter through
a door build deliberately low, so one has to bow in respect to come in. The floor we stand on
now was built in 600 AD, after the first church was destroyed, but it has a trap door in it,
through which we can look down and see the original mosaic floor, about 3 feet below. The
priests have a quiet pride, and an obvious awareness of the sacred ground they walk on and
care for.
The church is built in the traditional cross shape, with a high ceiling from which long chains
hang with a cut brass oil lamps on each one. Perhaps there are 50 of these lovely lamps, all
lit, and each one different. The designs cut into the metal allow the light to reflect the cutout shapes on the wallsdiamonds, moons, stars. What a glorious sight people have
reverently experienced for 2500 years! To one side is a door to a stairway leading down to a
room draped in silks. On the left as you enter is a niche that appears to be a fireplace, but
turns out to be the spot where Jesus was born. An ornate, 13-pointed star is set in the floor
on the very spot, surrounded by oil lamps. The 13 points represent the generations between
David and Jesus, the number of disciples at the last supper, and the stations of the cross.
On the opposite side of the room is the stone manger where the baby was laid after birth.
At one end are candles. It is a powerful sightall the centuries of veneration have left their
energy in this room. My father was Catholic, and I have lit candles in his memory in
churches all over the world, but lighting the candle at the manger was a special moment for
me. When I saw the votive candles in the room, I asked where I could buy one, and our
guide said the priest would get me one. The priest was almost as ancient as the room, and
with almost audible creaking, he slowly brought me a candle, which I then lighted and
placed with the other candles at the end of the manger. This simple ritual, followed for
centuries, moved me to tears.
When we left the scene of the Nativity, we walked through the Greek Orthodox and Catholic
Churches, both of which are beautiful, and back out into the courtyard.
After taking a taxi back to the border, we changed into our Israeli taxi again. Off we sped
back to Jerusalem. The afternoon was fading fast. We rushed to Old Jerusalem, and visited
the Cardo, an ancient Roman marketplace surrounded by a more modern shopping area.
Then we are at the Western Wall (known as the Wailing Wall)the only remnant of an
ancient temple, which the Jews venerate, and where they come to pray. The wall is divided
into two sides, one for men, one for women, so Sylvia and I went to the right, and Murray
went to the left. It was Murrays birthday, and the anniversary of his mothers death, and
this was his main reason for coming back to Israel. To pray at the wall. Everywhere along
the wall were men and women davening, or rocking back and forth while praying. Most of
the men were dressed in the long black coats and black hats of the Orthodox Jews, and a lot

of the women were also in long black costumes. It is said if you write a request on a bit of
paper, and tuck it into a crack in the wall, it will be granted. As we got closer, we could hear
the women murmuring, and one was crying. Again we were struck by the continuity of
centuries.
The history of these places, the millennia of human existence, the prayers, grief, fears,
hopes and dreams of people who are simply trying to feed their families and live a peaceful
life, rises around us like a mist of human strength and survival. Our taxi drivers, both
Palestinian and Israeli, are family men, as mystified about why theyre at war as we in
America are about why the world cant live in peace. They have no need to fight each other
for land or for oil rights, or for religious supremacy. They need to feed their families, to care
for their wives and children, and to try to leave a legacy for their descendants. So, despite
what their countries are doing to each otherdespite the soldiers, the political parties, the
suicide bombers, the guns and the bordersthey work together to earn a days wage. They
are proud of their part of the worldthe Moslem, Jewish and Christian holy sites, and they
view it all as belonging to all of themonly the fanatics, religious and/or political, want to
possess it. These men, like you and me, want just their small partenough to be
comfortable, and to keep their families healthy. There is enough to feed and clothe everyone
in this world.
The late peace warrior Danaan Parry wrote: The energy that we use to create war is the
energy we need to make real peace.
That's the courageous act that the warrior must doto find a way to relate to the person
on the other side of the closed-off valve, so that together we can twist that valve from both
sides and open it back up again.
The new warrior is in a precarious position, because he or she says, "I am going to show
myself and the rest of my tribe that... darkness exists within each one of us, and I will
demand that we have the courage to look at it." So using the word "warrior" really has
some meaning, because warriors have to have the courage to put up with some pretty
heavy flak from their own people. We are asking our own people to grow and not to
project.
On this Memorial Day, I pray that we all learn to live in peace, even in the midst of wars we
dont understand. I pray that we dont accept the idea that other humans are our enemies
by virtue of their race, nation or creed. I pray that we learn to work together, no matter
what our governments insist on telling us. I pray for peace, within ourselves, within our
families, within the world. And like Tiny Tim, I pray: God bless us, every one.
2004 Tina B. Tessina

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30
years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17
languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide
to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin
Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your
Differences. She writes the Dr. Romance blog, and the Happiness Tips from Tina email newsletter.
Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to
strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship
with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, shes known as Dr.
Romance Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as Oprah, Larry
King Live and ABC News.