Copyright

2014 R.J. Lewis. All rights reserved.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, place, events, and other elements portrayed herein
are either the product of the authors imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to real
persons or events is coincidental.

Table of Contents
Dedication
Prologue
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-One
Twenty-Two
Twenty-Three
Twenty-Four
Twenty-Five
Twenty-Six

Twenty-Seven
Twenty-Eight
Thank you

Dedication
To all those that have made mistakes in your life. Big enough mistakes that others have chosen
to define you by.
Your past does not define you.
You are who you choose to be, and you are capable of anything.
So ignore the haters and chase what makes you happy.

Prologue
Once upon a time, he picked me up and put me back together again.
Piece by piece until I was whole again.
But now I know he did it to watch me fall.
And fall I did, crashing to the ground into little shards again.
But this time, no one came to put me back together again.
And I know hed do it again; hed put me back together
Just to watch me fall.
I loved him.
I loathed him.
I wanted to bring him close, and I wanted to push him away.
The warring of emotions inside of me made me feel like I was caught up in a whirlwind of
hate and love. But which was overpowering the other?
Only time would tell.
He pressed my face down against the mattress as he swiftly undid his belt. I shook with need
and cried with desperation. If I could only just look at him again Id choose ignorance over truth, if
only I could look at him the way I used to.
He threw my skirt up over my hips and took me hard and fast. My mouth opened and my eyes
glazed over as the feeling of pleasure swept me away into a place Id reserved deep inside of me. A
place where, once upon a time, he made me feel cherished and loved.
Tears burned down my face.
The truth.
That disgusting bitch of a thing called truth.
Id do anything to hide from it. Because its grip was cold as death around my neck, and it
was choking the life right out of me.
He was going to be the death of me.

Chapter One
A Dare
The sky didnt look promising. Dark clouds rolled in and the smell of incoming rain was heavy in the
air.
Well, this sucked.
We hurried into the Transperth train and I practically had to shove a middle-aged woman out
of my way to get to a few empty seats. Emily just managed to secure one and, to my dismay, someone
had settled down into what was supposed to be my seat right next to her.
I glared at the sinister old lady settling into my seat comfortably. Using her old, withered age
to get her way and then smiling sweetly at me. The audacity! I smiled back, knowing my downcast
spirit was irrational. I didnt walk five blocks in the cold so I could be standing uncomfortably among
a sea of people.
It wasnt usually this busy, but that was because the Royal Show was only on for one week a
year, attracting over four hundred thousand people from all across Australia. Not many people drove
to the Showgrounds due to lack of parking. In fact, the neighbourhoods surrounding the grounds had
multiple cars parked in driveways and front yards. Residents had auctioned off their space for a sum
of money to goers who wanted to use it as a parking spot. Meanwhile, the rest of us unfortunate souls
resorted to public transportation and all the smells that accompanied it.
I closed my eyes and gripped the bar in front of me as a large person pressed against my
back and pushed me forward to get through. I looked down at my purse and made sure it was closed. I
put my phone in my jacket pocket and zipped it up, leaving a tiny hole for the cord of my earphones to
slip through. It was blasting ACDCs Highway to Hell in my right ear, half drowning out the sounds
of crying babies and obnoxious teens making jokes that werent funny.
Oh, my fucking God, Emily yelped, pulling her earphones out of her ears. The decrepit old
lady next to her snarled at her language. I totally forgot, Claire!
Forgot what? I asked, leaning forward to hear her better.
The dare cards! I got them in my purse. Were like four days overdue.
I suppressed an annoyed grunt. I had hoped she would forget about those stupid cards we
made a year ago.
Its your turn, too! she cackled loudly. Her mouth was wide open, revealing the white glob
of gum in the corner of her mouth.
I gave her a playful slap on the face. Fuck off.

You want to do it now?

Hell no!
You will pick one now, skank.
The glare from the elderly lady intensified as she watched the both of us swear at each other.
Thankfully, we didnt have to withstand her biblical scowls any longer. She got up and hobbled out of
the door at the next stop. Two of the seats were available. I slid in beside Emily as more people
stepped in. The empty seat beside me was occupied just as quickly. Facing Emily, I could feel the
warmth of someones presence against my back.
The air was thick and swarming with all kinds of scents: colognes and hairspray, and an
unpleasant musky smell that only sweaty men could expel. I shuddered and leaned into Emily, inhaling
her jacket. She smelled like lavender.
What are you doing, you weirdo? She nudged me back the second I settled my nose into
her bleached blonde hair.
It stinks in here, and you smell delectable, I said, mustering the creepiest voice I could
while wiggling my eyebrows suggestively at her.
Fucking psycho, she muttered.
I watched her open her mammoth purse and stir the contents around in search of something. I
already knew what she was looking for. I darted evil eyes at her as she took out a stack of white cards
that were securely bound together by a thick blue elastic band. She had a giddy smile on her face,
blowing giant bubbles of her gum. She shuffled the cards looking clearly proud for remembering.
I dreaded to think what my card was going to be. This was ironic, considering I was the idiot
to come up with the dare game in the first place a year ago while we were bored one night watching
reality shows. I didnt remember the show in particular, but it was toting the message of living each
day as if it were the last. Like usual, the sappiness found its way into my heart, and I wanted to prove
myself by doing something exhilarating.
We should dare each other to do something once every month, Id told Emily. Like
something crazy! What a fool I was. Emily, being the creative one between us, thought up the cards.
We bought blank flash cards from a dollar store and conjured up dares without each others
knowledge of what was written on them. Wed take turns every month pulling out a card from the
stack. Last month she was ordered to put up a video on Facebook dressed in hobo attire, pretending to
snort a line of coke (it was really sugar, and it never made it to her nose) while dancing the
Macarena.
Nobody appreciated the joke.
And her parents were especially unimpressed. Bunch of holier than thou snobs
The month before that, I had to run two laps around the park beside our apartment complex in
the dead of night with a Scream mask on. Naked. I was unaware of the homeless man sleeping
beneath a tree until he wolf whistled at me.

I like you! I like you! he belched drunkenly.

At least one of us was happy about it
Go on, pick one, smiled Emily. It was her turn to wiggle her eyebrows at me.
I rested my fingers over each card that was spread out between both her hands. I lingered
over one for a few moments before moving on to another.
It scared me sometimes when I thought about how the path of my life had rested solely on the
card I chose. If Id picked any other one and, shit, I was inclined to in that moment I wondered
what path Id have wound up in. It was fascinating that every choice, though inconsequential and
minimal it might seem, could have such a drastic effect on your life. It was unfair actually. One minute
you thought you were in control of your destiny and the next you were going in a different direction
without stopping to take notice.
Control was an illusion. None of us had it. We pretended we did, but the choices that were
made were based on the circumstances we were put in. A circumstance like a stupid dare card that
gave you an act to follow an act that had its own domino effect.
Hands shaking in adrenaline, I stopped thinking and pulled out a card. I turned it over and
read it.
There were three words. Simple. Easy to understand. Yet I read the line with the three
simple words over and over again. The irony The goddamn, motherfucking irony! For some bizarre
reason I wrote this damn card thinking that Emily would be the one to pick it.
Did I mention we were drunk when we wrote them?
Well? Emilys impatience seeped out of her.
Damn you, Emily Jones, for deciding that right here and now was the time to pick a card! I
held it out to her and she took it. Reading it, she burst into laughter.
Glad you find it funny, I snarled, snatching the card back.
Kiss a stranger , it said in my girly atrocious writing.
Kiss a stranger.
Kiss.
A.
Mother.
Fucking.
Stranger.
Rules were clear when it came to this game. I had to do it right after the card was picked. I
looked around at the faces swarming in front of me. This was going to be so awkward. Every face I
landed on was a middle-aged man, a pretentious teen, or a guy with an arm wrapped around a girl.
There were some solo guys, too. Around my age. But none of them grabbed my attention. Not like it
mattered. The kiss would be impersonal and quick.

Still.
These were my damn lips! I didnt want to plaster them on a sweaty, smelly, unattractive man.
I was a shallow girl when it came to hook-ups. I liked good looking guys, so sue me if I was
especially particular about this.
I did notice some potential choices, and was getting closer to picking one when Emily
leaned into my ear and whispered, What about the guy next to you?
By reflex I immediately looked at the seat next to me, and then away.
Then again.
Then away.
With every quick glance I took in his appearance. It was a damn nice appearance too: an
obviously tall man, maybe mid-twenties, wearing a tasteful black wool coat and dress pants. The first
thing I noticed was his hand holding a thick hardcover book. His fingers were long and slim, and his
skin was pale and smooth. This made his dark features pop right out of him: black thick hair a couple
inches passed his scalp, thick eyebrows, long eyelashes, light stubble on a striking heart shaped face.
I wondered if his eyes were just as dark too.
Fuck. Yes.
This was going to be my victim, hands down.
I turned back to Emily and smiled in agreement. Then I pulled out a pack of peanut M&Ms
from my purse. This had to be timed right, I decided. I knew what to do. After all, it wasnt the first
time I made accidental meetings happen.
As the train slowed down at the next stop, grinding its wheels to a rough halt, I exaggeratedly
flung to the side. Into this stranger I went, and my bag of M&Ms fell gloriously into his lap.
He looked up, startled.
Oh, my God! I said, feigning surprise. Someone needed to give me a fucking Oscar. I am
so, so sorry.
I turned to him completely and began picking up the M&Ms that were over his coat and in his
lap.
Thats alright, he responded.
I looked up for a second, taken aback by his unexpectedly deep, baritone voice. Then I
resumed picking them up and settling them into my bag. My adrenaline was through the roof as I
wondered just how I was going to plant my mouth against those plump lips of his.
His hand grabbed mine suddenly. When I peered down, I realized Id been a little too close
to his nether regions. Oh, God.
Im sorry, I said, grimacing as he let go. I was sure I was ten shades redder.
He smirked and picked up the remaining M&Ms from his crotch and legs and settled them

into my bag. You dont need to apologize. It happens.

God, that voice.
He looked at me for the first time and our eyes met as I sheepishly nodded.
No, his eyes werent dark, I noted. They were incredibly bright; a shade of grey that
screamed out of his face demanding attention. He looked at me just as interestedly. Id put an effort
into my appearance that day: faded skinny jeans, light blue cashmere sweater, new button up grey
checker wool jacket. I left my chestnut brown hair down in waves and had perfected my make-up so
that my green eyes popped out more than usual.
Oh yeah, I was hot. The kind of hot that could make men feast out of the palm of my hand.
They loved me, and I loved them on back as long as I got what I wanted in the end. Hook-ups made
me feel cherished. Made me feel like a queen in the warmth of a man. And at this moment, I suddenly
wanted this mans warmth.
I settled back into my seat, smiling confidently when his eyes followed.
Are you headed to the Showgrounds? he asked casually. Oh, yes, he was definitely
interested.
I nodded. Yes. Itll be my first time. Liar. I was just looking for something to talk about.
I hope you have enough cash on you. Itll be your typical tourist trap.
Im ready to tackle on those showbags with every coin in my pocket if thats what youre
referring to.
He smiled, white straight teeth and all. Yes, those are the ultimate gimmicks. You cant
walk out of the Royal Show without one.
Are you going, too?
He shook his head. Not this year.
I felt a pinch of disappointment in my chest. I was used to small talk with strangers,
especially guys who were trying to get a name and number out of me, but Id never been as interested
as this well-clothed, dark haired man with an English accent. There was something hard about him
despite his fine clothes. A kind of hardness that you kept away from if you were smart and all that
rubbish.
I wasnt smart, by the way.
North American? he suddenly asked.
I paused before I answered. Id never been asked that before. It was usually, American?
or, What part of America are you from?
American, I told him with a smile.
What part?

Detroit.
Really? I wouldnt have picked that up. You dont have the Michigan accent.
I pretended not to be impressed by his worldly knowledge of the Michigan accent, something
not many people knew about unless theyd been there. Had he?
Instead, I went along with my lie. Not everyone from Michigan has the Michigan accent,
you know.
Youre right, that was a blatant generalisation. His eyes meandered from mine to Emily
who was pretending to be distracted by her phone. His gaze lingered on her longer than Id have
liked. All hopes of that kiss suddenly halted during the few seconds of watching his curiosity peak.
Damn, hes interested in her.
A wave of anger shot through me. It was usually the way. Some men liked blondes. Some men
liked brunettes. And while that was disappointing, I wouldnt let it derail me. I was up for a
challenge.
Plus, I didnt want to kiss anyone else on this pitiful train.
Are you a tourist? he asked, all his attention drawn back to me.
Yeah.
How long are you in the wonderful land of Oz for?
A few more days.
Hmm. He looked down at my clothes and then my purse and smirked, like he suddenly
realized something. I wondered what.
How about you? I asked. Youve got your own accent brimming out of you. Not the
Australian one, either.
You mean, am I a Pommie?
I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Some people found that term for British settlers in
Australia offensive.
He chuckled at my reaction. Im not a tourist, no. Among other places, I live here. Have
lived here for many, many years.
How come? I was surprised at how genuinely curious I was.
Family relocation, he answered with a smile that didnt meet his eyes. They decided this
isolated desert city was the perfect oasis for abrand new life. Youd have been deaf not to notice
the bitterness dripping out of his tone.
Do you like it here?
I do. It took a while at first, but that happens when youve settled into a new place. You
compare your old life with the new until the old becomes a distant memory.

I nodded in complete understanding. Who said shit like that?

How about you? he asked absorbedly. No longer caring about Emily, he roamed my face
with those grey eyes as if he was uncovering some kind of mystery. I wished I knew what he was
thinking.
I love it here, I answered honestly. Its the perfect place.
What makes it perfect?
Forgetting. Everything. The laid back culture, for one.
He watched me for a moment with a wistful smile. I dont know how I knew, but I was sure
he was aware of my lie. His stare only intensified as he looked into my eyes. For the first time in a
very long time I squirmed under such blatant scrutiny. My confidence, which was usually soaring high
in company of the stars, was weaning to a shyness I wasnt used to one that sat low and hidden in
the shadows.
Never had someone stared at me with such fascination. After all, I was an object, not a
person. I was the short fleeting moment of ecstasy before I was forgotten. Yet this man seemed to look
at me not as an object, but as a person worthy of getting to know and understand. And for the first time
since I could remember, I cared about what he saw in me.
Could he see my secrets? Could he see the liar that I was? Could he see my sins looking for
holes to break out of me? Or was I so fucked up, I was yearning from within for attention, and this
was all a desperate mind trying to conjure up something that didnt exist? Most likely.
How old are you? he asked in a low, demanding tone.
I licked my lips as I stared down at his. Twenty. Just barely.
Very young, he remarked. For a moment, his eyes dimmed and he looked away, shaking a
thought that stiffened his body for a second. Then he turned back to me and broke the serious spell he
was responsible for creating. So what made you want to travel to Oz?
I didnt care that the strange moment was over. I just liked hearing his voice directed at me.
So desperate for attention, arent you, Claire? Pathetic.
Crocodiles, beaches, palm trees and kangaroos, I answered with a smile.
He laughed lightly, his humour returning. How touristy!
But nobody ever told me about the spiders!
He looked at my mouth and then skimmed over inch of my face it was like being fucked by
those eyes. Yes. Nobody mentioned those to me, either. Big as my palm. He stretched his long hand
out, and I absentmindedly noticed scars around his knuckles.
And the snakes! I added with more excitement than I should have.
He nodded. No, we mustnt forget those. King browns and
Anacondas!

Pause. No, little lady, Im afraid Anacondas arent native here.

Little lady.
Little lady.
Id never been called little lady before.
I blushed and looked away. Of course theyre not. I was just testing you!
Amused, he said, Of course you were.
I ran my hand through my hair. Then I ran it again and again. What the hell was wrong with
me? I never raked my hand through my hair, but I couldnt help it. I was sweltering under his gaze. I
hadnt felt like this since I was ten and had the biggest crush on my creepy fifth grade teacher, Mr
Crates. That freak collected snails by the bucket loads. Creepy Crates has nothing on this man!
So tell me, he said, breaking the awkward moment of silence, what will you be doing at
the Showgrounds today?
I dont know exactly. What would you recommend? Liar. I knew exactly what I was going
to do: eat a shit load of cinnamon donuts, go on a shit load of rides, and chat every hot man up until
my pocket was exploding with more numbers than Emily. Competing with each other was a pastime
that dulled the boredom. It was also a way to feel more important than we were.
Definitely the rides, he answered. One in particular called Hurricane. Ninety miles an
hour, the bastard flings you around like youre made of air.
Really? I like being flung around. Claire, you slut. I eyed him as I said the words with a
small, flirty smile on my face. Fuck you, shyness. I was not going to succumb to your horrifying
embrace. I was going to be me, Claire Landon, the confident little slut Ive always been. I wanted this
man. I would have gladly fucked him right there on the creaky old seat in front of the middle-aged,
decrepitly old, and obnoxiously young.
He was that hot.
Is that right? His voice turned pensively quiet as he regarded me with a thoughtfulness that
was far, far from lustful.
I instantly felt stupid.
Here was a guy who was conversing cheerfully with me. There had never been an underlying
meaning in any of his questions, no hinting that he wanted my number or even my goddamn name! If
anything, he appeared suddenly reserved.
He looked away from me and at the random faces around us. Then he turned to me again and
smiled the most disinterested smile Id ever seen in my life. If the word rejection had a face, it
belonged to this man.
Suddenly leaning into me, he whispered, You dont need to do that.
I blinked at him in surprise. Do what?

You know what. His grey eyes, barely a foot away from mine, stared into my own, and it
was as if he saw everything.
Who was this man?
Youre incredibly beautiful, he then added, quietly. Like this was some sort of secret
between us. The kind of beautiful that would pave an easy way for you in life.
I wasnt sure how to respond to that. Nobody had ever spoken to me like this before.
And you know that, dont you?
Theres nothing wrong with knowing youre attractive, I replied softly.
His lips twitched. While confidence is sexy, arrogance isnt.
My jaw dropped. Excuse me? Im not arrogant.
He smiled at me now, but it didnt reach his eyes. I see you.
My heart sped up in my chest. He saw me? What the hell did he mean by that?
What do you see? I challenged, half-expecting someone to jump out and tell me Id been
pranked. Because this guy was working my emotions like it was as easy as flipping a switch, and he
looked at me as though he could see into every corner of my being.
Youre broken, and you depend on those looks to give you something youve been without.
It doesnt work that way, little lady. And instead of purposely dropping those Skittles into my lap
M&Ms, actually.
Next time a simple hello would suffice.
I swallowed a lump in my throat as I replied, Thats not true.
Which part?
Waiting for me to respond, he cocked his head to the side and settled his eyes on my lips. A
part of me wondered if hed cut the short distance and just kiss me, because lord knows he looked
like he wanted to ravage every inch of me.
And dare or no dare, I needed that bloody kiss like a pauper needed money.
Who are you? I breathed out in wonder. Id never dare ask a question like that before, but,
damn, I was in a trance and wasnt thinking straight.
He licked his lip slowly, and something dark passed through his eyes. Someone thats no
good for you, beauty.
I swallowed an even bigger lump. Whats that supposed to mean?
It means it would do you no good to know.
Why?
Your world is too safe.

I inched a little closer to his face. Whats so unsafe about yours?

You dont want to know.
Maybe I do.
He just stared back at me. I felt a tremor run down my spine. A tight feeling emerged in my
chest, and my mind screamed to back away that I was being drawn into a web I didnt want to get
stuck to.
He was dangerous. I didnt know how I knew that, I just did. And my naivety made it all the
more thrilling. I yearned for excitement in my life. Maybe I just landed on it.
Disrupting our bizarre moment, the train came screeching to another halt. Realization
dawned in his eyes as he moved away from me and looked over at our stop.
Then he stood up!
It was like being torn from the bubble wed allowed ourselves in. Suddenly I remembered we
were in a crowded space, and now he was going.
Panic flooded me. NO! I didnt want him to leave me.
This is my stop, he said, looking down at me as he buttoned up the top of his jacket. It
was very nice chatting with you, little lady.
So that was it? No whats your number, little lady? Seriously?
SERIOUSLY?
I didnt respond to him, even though he waited briefly for one. When it was apparent my
stunned ass had nothing to say, he shot me a nod and ambled off to the doors. I watched in despair as
he stood within steps from leaving.
You didnt kiss him! hissed Emily into my ear.
My eyes widened. Skank was right.
Without thinking, I stood up and took off after him, carelessly shoving aside the people in my
way. He couldnt walk out of my life. I wouldnt let him. He stepped off the train just as I grabbed the
sleeve of his jacket. Startled, he looked back. His eyes widened when they met mine.
I forgot something, I breathlessly said, standing on the threshold of the train.
What was that I cut him off with a kiss. My hand gripped his collar as I pressed my lips
harshly against his. It was a quick yet long somehow meeting of the lips that made my heart race
and my body tingle. This this felt different somehow.
To my surprise, he kissed back, moving his soft lips over mine with a lot more delicacy than
me. He tasted of mint and all male, and I would have done anything to slip my tongue into his mouth.
Dammit, why didnt I?
I pulled away and smiled.

Wow.
Un-fucking-believable.
Whats your name? he suddenly asked. The emotion on his face conveyed an urgency to
know. It made my heart constrict and then explode.
Claire, I answered just as I stepped back and let the doors close between us.
He stood still, frozen to the concrete, and watched me in startled fascination. And then the
train started again.
For the first time in my entire life I felt loss after an encounter with a stranger. My happiness
dissipated the second he disappeared from view. Who was he?
I would soon be too distracted by pain to care.

Two
All my ugly
One year later
Were you just fucking my guy, you stupid cunt? Im gonna fuck you up, you trashy little slut.
Trying to get away, I hurried down the alleyway. But hands grabbed my hair and pulled
me back. I fell to the ground, air knocked out of me.
You just fucked him, didnt you? Ill fuck you up!
SMASH!
*****
I opened my eyes, barely able to breathe from the fear. I sat up, with a hand over my chest as I
fumbled out of the sheets and jumped out of bed. My heart was racing, my skin was slick with sweat,
and my mouth wide open. I tried to scream, but nothing came out. An acidic taste swept my throat, and
I knew what was coming.
I raced out of my room and down the hallway, colliding into the door of the bathroom.
Shaking, I opened it just in time as puke erupted from out of my mouth. Half of it spilled over the tile
floor before I reached the toilet. My body shook violently as I unloaded last nights small piece of
lasagne. Pressure built in my throat and head. All I wanted to do was breathe.
After I expelled everything and then some, I collapsed, half drenched in the vomit on the floor.
Not wanting to feel my face, I threw my shirt off and wiped it. I stunk.
Im vile. So fucking vile.
I groaned and shook. But this time it was sobs coming out of my mouth. I curled up in a ball
and pitied my existence for the millionth time this year.
My heart hurt. My chest ached. My body felt weak. My life sucked.
So I cried. Even though it didnt make me feel better, I cried.
*****
I spent an hour cleaning up my mess. It would have probably taken ten minutes if I actually gave a
fuck. Then I took a shower and sat curled up on the tile floor. The water pounding down on me was
cathartic. I liked to imagine the water had a healing power and could take away all my ugly.
I stood up on numb legs after and stepped out. I didnt glance in the mirror once as I dried
myself off and headed back to my bedroom. I threw an overgrown sweater on and baggy pants. I tied
my hair up and slipped into my beaten up sneakers. Then I grabbed the keychain off my desk and
threw my backpack strap over my shoulder.

The day was still young as I moved through the still house. I grabbed my lunch from out of
the fridge and slipped out. I put my hood over my head and ambled down the sidewalk. It was a chilly
morning. Crossing my arms over my chest, I stared down at my feet as I walked. Despite the early
start, cars were motoring down the roads speedily on my way to the bus stop.
I saw the same few people waiting when I got there. I felt their momentary stares, but never
was there a word spoken. It was okay like that. Strangers werent very friendly, and that was exactly
what I liked about people these days. They kept to themselves and were too concentrated on having
their eyes plastered to their phone screens.
I didnt even have a phone anymore. That was my own personal choice, and one that Mom
forever scolded me about. There was an irony to that.
However, I wasnt some electronic boycotter with a message to send. I did have an MP3
player, and it was my most treasured item I carried with me wherever I went.
When the bus came bounding our way, I slipped the headphones into my ear and blasted
Everloving by Moby. Oh yeah, this was the shit.
I took a seat on the bus and pulled my enormous sunglasses (ones that made me look like a
life-sized bug) from out of my bag. I put them on and stared out the window. I watched the world go
by. Watched the countless faces through car windows alongside the bus. The tired, angry looks of
some. The bored, discontent looks of others. All so generally unhappy.
What they didnt realize was Id give anything to trade places with them.
*****
The morning was painful. The classes went by at a dismally slow pace.
College sucked.
I kept my face down, my hood over my head, my eyes on my notes as I scribbled away.
Halfway through History, I opened my sketchpad and continued filling in my latest creations face. I
sketched the soft curve of Mums chin, the distinct lines of her high cheekbones, the crinkles around
her eyes. I omitted a lot of wrinkles because, well, I didnt want to remind her she was fifty three.
What kind of fucking daughter would I be if I did?
Well done, Miss Landon, said Mr Finch before placing my essay in front of me.
I didnt respond to him as I glanced numbly at my mark. AWhatever.
He moved along and I continued filling in the contours of her face. My lips curled up slightly
at the mole on the corner of her mouth. She always hated the look of it. Always wished it wasnt
there. Of course she conveniently stopped complaining about it after the incident.
When class ended, I hurried to the nearest handicapped restroom. No, I wasnt handicapped,
but I didnt want to go to the female restroom and surround myself with chicks who spent minutes on
end re-drawing their make-up, hiding their ugly I would have given the world to have.

So I locked myself up and did my thing. Then I washed my hands and finally looked at myself
in the mirror for the first time in four days. Avoiding my reflection was a norm for me. My record
was ten days.
I swallowed as my eyes danced around my face. I grabbed the sketchpad out of my bag and
flipped to the page I longed for to be real. I placed it against the left side of my face, right down the
middle where my sketch beautifully illustrated the perfection I used to be.
When it got too hard to breathe sometimes, or if my morning round of puking was especially
brutal, I did this. I looked whole this way. I wasnt ruined. I wasnt disgusting.
I was me again.
A tear fell out of my eye as I threw the sketchpad back in my bag and looked at what Id
become. At all my ugly. The marred features always felt like a physical slap to the face. The still pink
scars ran deep and thick. Jagged and impossible to see past.
Scarface.
I spat at the mirror. Disgusting, I told my reflection on my way out.
*****
Pick a card, Emily pressed, flashing the splayed out cards in my face.
I batted her hands away so I could watch the television. Not right now, I told her irritably.
Oh, come on. Screw Jeremy Kyle. Watch me.
I like Jeremy Kyle, I replied. Their shit lives remind me that mine isnt so bad.
She sighed and threw the cards on the night table before crashing on the bed next to me.
Chewing her gum loudly, she watched the show for a few minutes. Then she pulled out her phone and
started her texting regime, with fingers that looked like they had little motors on them.
Do you want to go see a movie? she then asked. Itd be nice to catch up with you
somewhere thats outside of your fucking house.
We can see one in here. Look at all the movies on my shelf.
She glanced at my bookshelf where the very bottom shelf was occupied with movies I hadnt
watched in a millennia.
She grunted in disdain. Fuck, theres like one inch of dust on those things. Itd be like
recovering a fossil digging around for something to watch.
I laughed, and she smiled widely. See, I can still make you laugh, skank. Youre still human
after all.
Yeah, well, I certainly dont look it, I muttered under my breath.
Her smile dropped from her face. An uncomfortable silence ensued before she said, Im
going to grab something for us to watch from your mothers collection. Theyre more up to date,

which is kinda sad because youre meant to be the hip one and all. Did you want me to grab some
more pieces of pizza on my way back?
Not hungry, I replied.
She sighed heavily and walked out. She knew better than to try and shove food down my
throat the way Mom did. My appetite was non-existent, so it wasnt like I was trying not to get fat. I
didnt give a shit about my body anymore.
When she returned, she popped in a sappy romance movie and feasted on a box of pizza.
You know, she said after a few silent minutes, other people have it a lot worse than you,
Claire.
I knew that. I told myself that every day. But it didnt make me feel better.
She looked at me sprawled out on my bed with the covers up to my chin and continued. Some
people have burns on ninety percent of their bodies. Or have lost their limbs in some horrible
accident. And you know what? Theyre still living their lives. Theyre doing what makes them happy.
They dont bunker down in their house like a survivor on doomsday.
Im trying to watch the movie, Em, so can you shut up? I retorted.
Your scars arent even that bad.
I scoffed in disbelief. I look like Ive been mauled by a bear.
If you actually tried with your appearance like nice clothes and make-up then you
wouldnt feel as bad as you do right now. A lot of it can be hidden.
But theyd still be there.
She shook her head, looking defeated. I dont understand you! You dont like the sight of
them, and you know with good make-up you can reduce their appearance, yet you dont want to
because theyd still be there?
I didnt reply.
She let out an annoyed grunt and turned the television off. Were talking! Im not having a
fucking couch potato friend who is more interested in fiction than her own friend!
Im not more interested in fiction.
If youre not watching television, youre reading on your stupid Kindle. Youre a filthy
reader too.
I made a face. Filthy?
You think I dont know about all those smutty novels on there? Fucking BDSM shit. Rich
billionaires with mommy issues who suddenly have an interest in clumsy, too-stupid-to-liveheroines.
I laughed out loud as she continued. You know the reality would be so much different,

right? I mean, these fucking women shriek when theyre having sex. Shriek, Claire. And then they
squeal, and squawk during their orgasms. What does a squawk even sound like? And then they stare
into the eyes of their muscular men while fucking. Ive never looked into a mans eyes as we
screwed. Its just awkward. Like, what are you looking at? The goodies are down below. Stare at
that instead, you weirdo.
I was bent over laughing, tears streaming down my face. Shut up, Emily! Seriously.
She grinned ear to ear. Its true, though. So stop with that rubbish and actually live a little,
yeah? Make your own smut stories out of your real life. You used to jump the hottest men. I swear.
Remember the guys at last years Royal Show? Oh, my God, Ill never forget them lining up to you
like that. Youd have thought you were the ride instead.
Still laughing, I looked back on that day. It was such a cold day.
Yeah, and I ended up paying for everything, asshole.
Its not my fault someone pickpocketed me. I bet you it was that granny that snarled at us
too.
Now she laughed. Maybe it was that hot guy you were sitting next to.
My heart squeezed at the memory of Stranger. I thought of him often. I didnt know what to
call him, so Stranger sort of just stuck. Fuck, he had been a sight to behold, but I thought more about
the conversation we had than anything. Id never had such a bizarre encounter with someone before
and even after.
No, it wasnt him, I said with certainty on a dreamy sigh. But he was extremely sexy,
wasnt he?
The sexiest.
I swallowed my disappointment at having not seen him again. I really thought I would. That
he was interested in me enough to reach out.
When cards interrupted my vision, I groaned in irritation. God, Em, I dont want to pick a
bloody card!
Yes, you do. You know somewhere inside of you theres still that crazy, rebellious babe.
The sooner you pick a card, the sooner shell return to me.
I looked at Emilys determined face. When she was stubborn like this, nothing in the world
was going to stop her from having her way. So I sighed dramatically and picked a random card. I
turned it over and read her writing, noting already that the marker shed written with looked awfully
fresh.
Party this Friday with your best, most beautiful friend =)
I glared at Emily. Your desperation is just sad.
What does it say? she asked innocently.

Dont look at me like that. You know what it says because you planted this card.
She gasped, insulted. I did not!
Then show me the other cards in your hands.
She moved away and quickly put the cards back into her purse. You know thats against the
rules. Were not meant to look at the cards.
And making a whole batch with the same dare is against the rules too.
She stuck her tongue out at me. You have no proof. You picked the card, you read the card,
and now you must do as the card says or else the Dare Card Gods above will smite you to death and
subject you to an eternity of grovelling to a million Emily clones.
And if I prefer that to this?
She rolled her eyes. Were going to go out this Friday, and were going to have a lot of fun.
I promise. Once youre over this stupid fear of showing people a few little facial scars, then youre
going to be yourself again. I just know it.
Emily was too optimistic. Too glass half-full type of person. She thought any problem could
be rectified easily with a little persistence. Which made this whole situation difficult, because I knew
my life would never be the same again. It wasnt just the scars and they were far from little as she
just stated it was to do with who I was. I knew myself before the attack. Id had an identity. And
while I wasnt very proud of that identity, it was all I knew.
Now I was just lost. So scatter-brained with life, I sought refuge by escaping in everything.
From studying, to sketching, to reading those smutty books she laughed at me for. It kept my mind off
life. And the truth was, I wasnt ready to confront the world just yet. But then again, when would I
ever be?
Maybe I needed to be pushed out of my comfort zone. Maybe to stop being afraid, I had to
confront my fear.

Chapter Three
Havent Forgotten You
The house was a tomb. It was so freaking cold, it was warmer outside than inside.
After another round of puking in the morning, I washed myself and sat down in a lawn chair
in the backyard. Directly under the sun and feeling its heat, I did a bit of sketching before turning my
Kindle on for a light read. It wasnt long before last nights lack of sleep caught up to me. I fell into a
light doze, until the sound of the front door slamming shut jolted me awake.
Claire, Mum called. Where are you?
Backyard!
She opened the sliding door to the yard and stepped out. She looked exhausted after a night
shift in her nurses uniform and her chestnut hair in a messy ponytail. Her face looked a little
rundown, the bags under her eyes dimming the green of her irises. She stopped in front of me with a
few bags of groceries in her hands and said, What are you doing today?
I shrugged. Homework. You?
Was a really long shift, she said with a yawn. Were short-staffed too. Awful. Might
sleep most of the afternoon away. Was thinking we could go to the shops and do something. Thursday
is late night, so everythings still open. A bit of perusing might be fun, right?
Perusing for what?
I dont know. Cold weather will pass soon. Do you need any clothes?
No.
Well, you cant wear sweaters through summer and youve slimmed down a lot. Youll
need some things, right?
I guess. I really didnt care.
She sighed and pulled up a chair. She sat next to me and looked out into the well-manicured
yard. It was all my doing. I liked keeping the grass short and the plants watered. It gave me a good
enough excuse to be house-bound.
Did you hear about John Macht? Mom then asked.
John Macht was some rich businessman in Perth who had been accused of murdering his
wife three years ago. The trial had come to a close, and Mom had been reading into it every step of
the way.
No, I answered. Guilty?
Not guilty.
Are you serious?
She nodded severely. Can you believe that? It wont be long before someone shoots him in

the face. I bet you any money. Theres no way he didnt kill her, and theres no way someone out there
isnt plotting their revenge to kill the bastard for it.
I shrugged. They found nothing on him. Plus they never even found her body. It was all
circumstantial, so I cant say Im surprised.
They found her blood in the trunk of his BMW!
Still not enough. They couldnt determine how old it was.
She let out a sound of disgust. Well, deep enough pockets and you can get out of anything,
huh?
Yep.
She sighed and sat idle for a short while. She closed her eyes and let the sun beat down on
her. Exhaustion after a long shift made her body look like jelly in her chair.
I love you, Claire, she said quietly, her face solemn as she opened her eyes to look at me.
I know, I replied, trying not to get agitated by the guilty sound of her voice.
A few tense minutes passed before she said, Im not sure if you remember, but Ill be flying
to Melbourne tomorrow
To see Kevin, I interrupted with a nod. I remember.
Okay. She stood up and on her way to the door abruptly stopped. Oh, right, I picked up
the mail from the post office. You have a parcel.
When she handed me it, she gave me a kiss on the top of my head. Ill see you tonight and
well go shopping.
I waited until she disappeared back into the house. Then I set my Kindle and sketchpad down
on the outdoor table. I picked up the small bagged satchel and felt the content. It was something thin
and square-like in size. I checked the return details on the back, but there was nothing written save for
my name and address on the front.
Huh.
I tore it open and looked inside. What I saw froze me in my chair instantly. My heart felt like
itd been dipped into an ice box. A million thoughts blazed through my mind, yet I couldnt tell you a
single one of them if I tried.
Stunned and speechless, I reached into the bag and pulled it out. Was this really? I turned
it over and saw the familiar scratches and pen marks itd been inflicted upon over a year of use.
This was indeed my wallet.
The wallet I slipped into Strangers pocket the moment I kissed him.
Holy shit, I whispered.
Before opening it, I put it to my nose and inhaled. It certainly didnt smell like me anymore.

While the leathery odour was still present, it had an earth like smell to it, and a mild cologne I
recognized as an expensive brand.
It was a very plain, black leather wallet, and suited for men. I preferred it due to its small
size. I could store it in my pocket and not have to worry about losing it, unlike the ladies sized wallets
women stored in their purse. If you gave me a dollar every time I left behind my purse somewhere,
Id be richer than Croesus.
I opened it and saw my ID card Id since replaced. Back when my face was perfect. I
couldnt believe I used to hate this picture. Id give anything to look like this again. There was a
Finders card just beneath it too where my name and number was written. This had been the reason
I slipped it into his pocket. I had wanted him to have no choice but to call me. When he didnt, Id felt
disappointed for days and that was an emotion I wasnt used to.
Looking into the pocket of the wallet, I let out a short laugh. Two twenty dollar notes sat
inside, along with a stick of bubble gum. It was good to know Stranger wasnt a thief
I pulled out the cash and immediately spotted a folded piece of paper inside. Grabbing it, I
absently tossed the wallet and cash aside and hurriedly unfolded it. My heart clenched in my chest
when I saw the writing his writing. I feasted on the words hungrily.
I havent forgotten you.
Friday, Club Zero 10pm
-B.C.
*****
The note was stuck to the edge of my mirror among pictures of Emily and me. I stared at it every time
I walked into the bedroom. Then Id stand there and stare at my reflection and remind myself why I
couldnt go and see him.
I scoffed. Why would I anyway? The warning signs were punching me in the face, and I was
not a stupid girl anymore.
So why was I still considering it?
Simple. Youre still stupid, Claire.
Youre going to wind up in some alleyway with your throat cut, I whispered to myself.
The guy waits a year to send you back your wallet? A year? Thats bullshit. And crazy. No, wait, the
crazy part would actually be that he knew your damn address, and it wasnt written anywhere!
A wave of goose bumps ran down my spine. I shivered and crossed my arms over my chest.
Fuck, that was the scariest bit of all, wasnt it? He knew my address!
Id asked him who he was, and the cryptic answer he gave me always haunted me at night.
Someone thats no good for you, beauty.
I leaned over my dresser and read the note for the millionth time. The writing was in perfect
cursive, and I was spending an unusual amount of time admiring it. He wrote this. And then he walked

to the post office, purchased a satchel, placed it inside and sent it out to me.
That was so normal.
B.C. My brows pinched together as I wondered what it stood for. Why couldnt he write
his full name out and included his number? Id have gladly called him up, and the sane thing would
have been to ask me out to this club instead of being all cryptic and shit.
I was ashamed of myself just then. I couldnt suppress the thrill inside my being. I hadnt
been given attention in months and months. Of course it didnt help I put effort into looking like an
invisible hobo but this was Stranger we were talking about here! The man that looked at me like he
wanted to ravage my soul instead of my body. The one who wouldnt flirt back, but had the most
heated fuck me eyes Id ever seen.
I went to my old, used desk and opened the bottom drawer. I pulled out my last sketchbook Id
filled the pages of and flipped through the dates. I stopped when I landed on Stranger. I hadnt looked
at this sketch in months, and seeing it now was like being knocked back a step. His eyes were so
expressive, his lips large and full and pulled into a smirk.
I set the sketch down and peered at it every few moments as I approached my dresser. Every
inch of its surface was covered in make-up I hadnt worn in forever. I grabbed at some foundation and
cover up and began to apply it. Touching my face was hard, and I felt a twist in the bottom of my
stomach every time my fingers touched my scars. But I pushed on through until my face was covered.
Then I continued with some blush and eye shadow. Pulling away the attention of my scars, I perfected
the smoky eyes look before finishing it off with rose coloured lip gloss and double coated mascara.
Twenty minutes later I was wearing make-up for the first time in nine months.
*****
I wished Mom would stop looking at me. Ever since seeing me two hours ago, shed perked up like
never before. Her face was glowing with happiness. Here I was putting on make-up to draw the
attention away from my scars, and yet she was looking at me with such intensity I felt as though I
shouldnt have bothered.
How about this dress? she asked me, pulling out a green bit of fabric off the rack.
I cringed. Im not going for the hooker look, Mom. And even if I did, I highly doubted there
was a high market for scar-faced hookers to boot.
Her mouth dropped. Its not that bad.
Its not that good either.
She laughed and put the dress back. We browsed for a while before I found a black minidress with a lace back. I tried it on in the dressing room, expecting to hate it once I looked at myself
in the mirror. To my surprise, it fit like a glove. I spun around, wincing a little at the bones jutting out
of my shoulder blades. Id never been this slim before, and it didnt suit me very much, especially
upon learning my boob size had gone down dramatically and I was never gifted in size to begin
with.

Can I see how the dress looks on you? Mom asked from through the door.
No, I answered.
Please?
Not yet. Still seeing how it fits.
She poked her head through the gap under the dressing room door and gasped at me. You
look incredible! Im buying it. Youre getting it.
I couldnt help the laugh that escaped my lips. Not wanting her to get everyone in the stores
attention with her peeping tom behaviour, I unlocked the door and pushed it open. She hurried in and
smiled brightly at me.
I dont look too skinny in this? I asked, eyeing my body in the mirror.
You do look a little malnourished, Claire, but its better than that baggy crap youve been
wearing.
I nodded. I guess.
She skimmed her eyes up and down my body, looking more thoughtful as the moments
passed. So, is there a boy I should know about?
I rolled my eyes. Mom.
She shrugged, running a hand through her long hair. Im just asking! Im curious to know
why youre suddenly wanting to go out and get dressy.
Its Emilys fault, I half-lied. She made me pick a dare card.
Mom groaned in dismay. Please tell me youre not going to run around naked again! I had
enough complaints the last time.
I let out a soft laugh at the memory of one of our neighbours Miss Tetley (withered with age
and carrying rosary beads wherever she went) knocking on our door to complain about my ungodly
mannerism. Your childs strayed from the lord, Mrs Landon, shed droned in a hushed tone,
unaware I was nearby. I would do something quick about it before shes lost to sin forever!
I shook off that memory with a silly grin and said, No, Mom. It said to go out and party,
hence the dress.
Mom nodded, but I spotted the shadow of concern in her eyes. Do you know where youll
be going?
No bars, I assured her. I wont be drinking. Believe me.
She looked relieved. Okay, thats very good. I just want you to make smart decisions. I
know I wasnt you know around to be a better parent to you when you needed me the most, and I
sound silly to be telling you to watch out now because of it
Mom, none of it was your fault, I interrupted her, solemnly. I stared at our reflection,

keeping my eyes pinned to hers earnestly. I was out of control. It wasnt your doing.
She nodded again, this time swallowing back a lump in her throat. Looking away, she sniffed
and said, How about you invite Miles out with you? He just got back.
Miles was our neighbour. Id barely seen him around lately. He was in his mid-twenties and a
pretty good guy. Whenever he was around, Mom proved he was useful by making him do fix-ups
around the house. He worked out at the mines, and his swings took him away from the house for
weeks at a time.
He was also incredibly annoying.
No, Mom, I told her tiredly. Thats just weird.
Why is that weird?
Because hes my neighbour, and sometimes people are better off being labelled. Like your
gardener, or mailman, or doctor. In this case, neighbour.
Why do you have a thing against him? All the time youre shrinking away from him.
Because all the time hes tried coming onto me! My hobo attire did not deter the super
weird, and Miles was super weird.
Just no, Mom, I told her simply with closed eyes and a short shake of the head.
She frowned. Well then, fine. Let me get this dress for you and then well grab some dinner.
Happy to not talk about Miles, I said, Sounds good.
By the end of the night, Id had more conversation with Mom than in the last month alone. I
didnt regret a single moment.

Chapter Four
Not a tourist after all
Id been trembling for two hours straight. Id showered, straightened my hair and put the dress on.
Emily stood before me, expertly applying my make-up. Shed have been a tremendous make-up artist
if her mother hadnt pressured her to go into nursing.
She didnt remark on the tears that shone in my eyes every few minutes that I managed to keep
from falling, and I was glad. I didnt want another pity party. It was embarrassing enough letting her
know without words how weak I was. God, what had nine months of being a hermit done to me?
I wanted to stay home in bed. I wanted to read and wear my mammoth clothes. I wanted to
feel invisible. A part of me was tempted to do just that. But as time passed, my body robotically went
through the motions, and I was sitting here now realizing I was about to step foot out there again.
So any reason for Club Zero in particular? Emily asked me curiously.
Its just been a while since weve been there, I answered vaguely.
Oh. She didnt believe me, but she nodded anyway. Thats the lamest answer in the
world, but whatever. Thatll do for now.
I shot her a small smile. Believe me, you dont want to know the real reason.
Why?
Because youd freak out.
The brush against my cheek paused. She blinked at me in surprise. What are you keeping
from me?
I dont know just yet, I replied, not meaning to sound mysterious, but I did. If anything
interesting happens to me, Ill tell you everything.
And if nothing interesting happens?
Then well forget all about this conversation because Ill be too humiliated to talk about it.
She let out a colourful curse and retorted, But youre my best friend. Youre meant to tell
me everything, even the humiliating stuff.
Oh, please. How many stories have you kept from me?
Name one, liar.
Two words: Prom. Night.
She flinched and her cheeks flamed. Fuck you, Claire Landon.
I smiled widely now. Shed never revealed to me who she went home with on Prom Night.
Shed showed up with some hunk of a jock, but he was found doing some other chick when the night
was out. I didnt understand the secrecy, but I was glad for it now. Who knew one day itd be used
against her?

Is your mum gone? she then asked. Or is she doing another late shift?
Shes gone to see Kevin, I answered. Took two weeks holiday off.
Hows that relationship going?
On and off. All thanks to me. After Id been attacked, shed withdrawn from her
relationship with Kevin to be there for me. Theyd been a solid couple for two years at that point, and
to say he was shocked was an understatement. Hed always been an all-around good guy. An engineer
by trade with kids of his own, he and Mom got along right from the start. Around the time she broke
things off, hed been offered a job in Melbourne. Angry at her, he took it. Needless to say, they
mended their relationship after a few months and he regretted the move. I was glad to see Mom
smiling again.
When Emily finished my make-up, I stared at my face for a few beats. Shed done well
toning down the extremities of my scars, but they were still there plain as day. I swallowed and
looked away. I had to forget about them for the next few hours. I just wanted this night over with so
Id never regret not going out.
Lets get out of here, huh? I said in as much of an upbeat tone I could muster.
Emily squealed. Yeah, boys! Watch out because the bitches are coming to town!
I laughed and we each grabbed our clutch and headed out.
*****
The club was dark. The atmosphere was far from tame. The spectrum lights flashed and the music
thumped its party mix throughout the large, crowded room. Id completely forgotten how loud it could
be. My personal space was invaded every few seconds by other bodies as Emily led me to the dance
floor.
Once upon a time this was my haven. Id get drunk and spin like a top under the flashing
lights. The second Id feel the warmth of a man behind me, Id sag into him and bathe in his attention,
feeling like the world was right again. I had been desperate for affection. Desperate for some kind of
touching. Being with a guy was a good distraction. It made the wounds of a lifetime ago dull.
At the moment, remembering who I used to be was difficult. When a guy got near to me I
squirmed away. Now the last thing I wanted was to be touched. I had new wounds I was recovering
from, and none of them dulled in the warmth of some drunk who wanted to rub his boner into me.
Yeah, no thank you.
Despite the groping males, I felt oddly comfortable. Nobody looked at my scars. Maybe it
was because they were all drunk, or maybe it was too dark for them to notice. Whatever was the
reason, I managed to relax. I blended in for once, and the feeling of relief might have made me cry if I
thought about it for long.
Emily forced me to dance, and when I finally started to, she drifted off from me to join the
men who batted their lustful eyes at her. I cringed at the feel of a mans chest against my back, but I
didnt push him away or move elsewhere. I pushed the feeling of panic away, knowing nothing was

going to happen to me. I shut my eyes and pretended to be that girl again. The one that was confident
and beautiful.
I rocked to the music, ignoring the scent of alcohol wafting from the unknown mans mouth.
His thick hands wandered my body, settling against my hips. I felt his soft chest against my back and
his hard length against my ass.
I opened my eyes and saw his grey sleeves while he moved all around me. His blonde thick
hair brushed against my forehead as he tried to put his lips against mine. I turned away before he
could. I didnt want that, but the old me might not have objected.
My eyes roamed the club, and I wasnt sure why I settled on a particular spot maybe I had
some kind of sixth sense I had unconsciously tapped into but when I did, all air escaped me. My
body slowed down and I blinked harder, trying to make sense of what I was looking at.
There he was.
I knew it was him. Of course it was him. He was standing against the wall of the dance floor,
alone. Wearing all black, his pale skin appeared all the more pronounced. He looked eerily unhuman;
as if the skies above spat him out of heaven and placed him here, in the world of grey and black,
where he coloured our world like a rainbow.
Hidden in the shadows, he was watching me just outside the perimeters of the flashing lights.
Without a doubt it was him. The shadows didnt conceal him. If anything, it made him all the more
pronounced. The unique lines of his face, the broadness of his shoulders, the way his chest went on
for miles before meeting those narrow hips
It was him.
My stranger.
I freed myself from my dancers arms and just stood there, gazing at him. I honestly didnt
think Id see him. Being anxious around a crowd had distracted me enough from nervously waiting to
see if hed show up.
Of its own volition, my body moved to him. My heart roared louder than the music, practically
sitting in my ear canals the more I neared him. I didnt know what to say or do when I finally
approached him. My stunned mind was muted by his beauty. There were some things Id missed in my
sketch of him, like how much thicker his bottom lip was to his upper, the random freckles along his
jaw line, his long forehead half covered by his hair, and the thin two inch long scar above his
eyebrow. He was an imperfectly perfect looking man if that made any sense.
Those grey eyes felt familiar to me. Just as intense as they were a year ago, I felt like I was
drowning in them almost immediately.
Not a tourist after all, were his first words. Oh, my God, that voice. I wanted to close my
eyes and savour it. My memory did it no justice.
No, I replied weakly.
Im glad you got my message.

I swallowed and replied, And you finally gave me back my wallet.

His lips pulled up in that sexy smirk I imagined late at night in bed. This one in particular
looked secretive. Id intended on doing it a lot sooner.
Why didnt you?
Life got in the way.
I didnt respond. What the hell was I meant to say to that? I merely stared at him, entranced
by his beauty, by his voice, by simply being near him!
How did you know my address? I then asked. This needed to be answered. He could be a
crazy man for all I knew, and I wouldnt dare continue this conversation if I knew he was whacko
At least, I hoped I wouldnt anyway.
He just smiled at me. His eyes skimmed my body, and I went hot at being checked out so
closely. Itd been so long. You look incredible in that dress.
I eyed his black button up top and dark pants. So do you.
Im glad you like my dress.
I laughed and blushed. You know what I mean.
He chuckled, nodding. Yes, well. Its been a while and I wasnt sure about what it is people
wore to clubs like these. I took a wild guess.
Not one for partying?
No. Those years are behind me.
We went quiet for a few moments, seemingly taking each other in. My heart was still
thumping erratically in my chest, and my skin was gleaming with sweat from the heat of the room
because it surely couldnt have all come from his presence!
Do you often dance that way with men? he then asked, glancing behind me.
I followed his gaze to the guy thatd groped me minutes before. Hed since moved on to
another poor girl that was trying to get far from him. Ew. Had I really gotten close to that? I
awkwardly turned away and shrugged. Its been a while actually.
But you did?
Did being the operative word.
Huh. That smirk vanished as his eyes wandered my face. It suddenly occurred to me that he
could see my scars, and the horror of that realization felt like a rocket exploding inside of me. There
was no part of me that wasnt feeling vulnerable and judged. I turned away from his stare and looked
behind me in search of Emily. Maybe I could use her as an excuse to get away. Id thank my stranger
for my wallet and be gone and save him the awkwardness of having to ditch me somehow.
Do you want to go someplace quiet? I heard him ask.

My brows came together in confusion as I continued to look away. Why?

Too loud in here.
I cant just go. I didnt come here alone.
When he went quiet, I glanced at him. His face lost all charm, and he suddenly looked cold.
Did you come here with a man? he demanded tightly.
My eyes widened. Its my friend. The one on the train you saw all that time ago, if you
remember. A girl.
He visibly relaxed, but his mouth still formed a hard line. Didnt want to come alone?
You thought I was stupid enough?
That hard line broke and he smiled with amusement. Dont I have the right to?
Why do you have the right to?
Slipping your wallet into my pocket wasnt the brightest thing, was it?
I flushed. He was right. It was the dumbest thing you could think of at the time, but I was
strangely thrilled itd sort of paid off. Even though it took a bloody year. Man, how screwed up was
I?
How about we get out of here? he then said, taking a step closer. He was at least a foot
taller than me, even in my heels.
You told me to come here and now you want to go?
Wanted you to see me in a social environment so you didnt feel uneasy.
Should I feel uneasy?
He shrugged. You dont know me. You spoke to me once. I thought it was a good idea.
Could have asked me to lunch at a restaurant or something.
That smile formed again, and my breath thinned at the raw beauty he was exuding. Was he
even aware of it? I couldnt get away until now. My days are usually full. Whereas my nights His
words trailed away as he looked expectantly at me.
Even though he could see all my face, I couldnt look away from his eyes if I tried. I was in a
way glad I didnt have to hide something so obvious. I just guessed hed have wanted nothing to do
with me when he realized I wasnt what he once remembered.
So this was all confusing to me.
I told you I have a friend
Tell her youre coming with me, he interrupted, not backing down.
When I didnt respond, he added, If you really wanted to get away with me, you would. If
you dont, then Im wasting my time here and Ill leave. So decide quickly because Im not a very

patient man when I want something, and Im not desperate enough to beg.
Well then.
Shivers ran through me. I looked behind me, searching once again for Emily. Could I really
just ditch her? But then again, shed understand, wouldnt she? Besides, this was a man Id been
fantasizing about since the dawn of time.
Friends matter the most, Claire. Shes been with you through thick and thin. She took you
out to have fun. With her. Ditching her would be low!
I looked back at my stranger. The one I still didnt even know the name of. The one whose
eyes and demeanour spoke of a hardness I wasnt sure could be softened.
Thank you for returning my wallet to me, I found myself saying, despite the way my body
was pleading for me to go with him. Im sorry for wasting your night coming here.
Is this all your way of saying no to me?
I dont know you. I dont trust you either. So yeah, thats a no.
I could tell that was not the response Stranger was expecting, and frankly neither did I. Never
before had I listened to my brain more than my body, and it wasnt very satisfying.
Fuck you, common sense. Youre a bitch, and I hate you.
Shooting him a fake smile, I said, Good night, and turned away from him before those eyes
entrenched me in my spot.
I couldnt believe I just blew off the man Id been fantasizing about for endless nights. But he
gave me an ultimatum, and that shit didnt sit well with me, no matter how hot he was.
Halfway back to where I had been before seeing him, I glanced back. Disappointment crushed
me immediately.
He was already gone.

Chapter Five
Maybe I am desperate
Because it was 11pm when I decided to leave, the bus service was still running. I managed to catch
two buses back to my house, and it was weird being the only dolled up person in a mini-dress among
leering people. I heard the word skank and freak muttered under the breaths of many rugged-up
women. Bitches.
The freak bit always soured me and reminded me why I didnt venture out. It wasnt easy to
be laughed at. Call me a slut all you want, but to attack my appearance was fucking low.
I was in an irritable mood. Totally unimpressed with Emily who ended up ditching me for
some blonde haired, steroid injector with the bubbliest muscles Id ever seen. She tried playing it off
by introducing me to one of his friends a drunk man who kept going on about what a soulful
musician he was. Did she really think I was going to go home with him? When did I give her the
impression I was desperate to get laid?
On that note, my vagina had collected enough dust to put newly recovered mummies from
Ancient Egypt to shame. That was depressing.
Now I was bitter and regretful of cutting things short with my stranger a man I was positive
I would never see again. Why did the world consistently want to take a dump on my life? I could hear
the violins of despair playing in the background, mocking me wherever I went. I was so bloody
dramatic, even I was sick of myself!
I kicked a stone along the sidewalk on my way to my house. As I passed my neighbour who
was throwing a party, I kept having to stop and pull the bottom of my dress down. The last thing I
wanted was to flash my ass to a bunch of drunk men.
I opened my clutch and withdrew my key on my walk up the driveway. I stopped by Moms
hatchback to make sure it was locked up tight before walking up the few steps to my porch. The
second I made it to the top, a voice broke through the chilly air.
Maybe I am desperate.
Gasping, I jumped and backed away, tripping on the top stair of my porch. I put my hand to
my chest and stared at the dark figure sitting on the wicker chair beside the front door. I should have
felt relieved when I recognized him as Stranger. But I didnt. My heart rate continued to rise, and fear
gripped me. I looked to the street and thought of running.
Its okay, he quickly reassured me. I would never harm you. Im sorry for scaring you.
What are you doing here? I snapped, hating how much my voice was trembling.
I went back to see you, but you were already gone. At first I thought youd left with a man,
but I spoke to your friend, and she said youd taken off alone. I wanted to make sure youd come home
safe.
You spoke to Emily?

Though it was too dark to see his face, I could see his head nodding.
I dropped my hand from my chest and crossed my arms. What are you doing here? I asked
him again.
Do I really have to say it? His voice was soft now, and it made my nerves die down a
little.
Yes, I told him, sternly. You do.
He let out a light chuckle, and his body leaned forward so that his elbows were propped on
each knee. His face was geared in my direction, and even though I couldnt see his features, I could
feel the heat of his gaze on me. Like I said, maybe I am desperate.
I opened my mouth to respond, but he beat me to it. Are you going to let me in? Or are we
going to sit out here in the cold instead?
Maybe youre going to sit out here in the cold, alone, I bit back, still feeling the anger from
having the scare of my life.
After what you said to me earlier, I believe you.
It was quiet for a few moments. He was obviously waiting on me to decide, and I didnt
know what to do. My mind was too busy warring with itself, and it was telling me to keep him
outside. I didnt know his intentions. I didnt know what he might do if I let him in. I was momentarily
frightened of him, and I didnt want to be another statistic with a headline on the internet that read,
Stupid girl lets dangerous man inside home because hes hot! Tune in at 6pm for details of her
grizzly murder!
Get off my porch for a minute, I told him.
To my surprise, he immediately stood up. In the darkness his frame appeared large and
ominous. I tripped down the steps again, keeping a safe distance from him as he followed. Under the
moonlight now I could see his face. He looked amused, his mouth set into that wicked smirk.
Keep going, I told him. He backed away from the porch, until he was edging toward the
driveway. Stop.
When he stopped, I watched him while I hurried back up the porch steps. I stuck the key into
my front door and opened it. With one arm moving inside the house, I turned the porch lights on. I felt
a lot better with them on. Like I was somehow cloaked in safety. It was stupid to think so, I knew that.
Now what? he asked, that voice taking on a bit of humour.
I frowned at him. Is this funny to you?
His smirk broke into a full blown grin. It made him look so beautiful and normal. I almost
felt silly doing this. It is, little lady.
Little lady.
My heart pounded fast again, this time for another reason.

Whats scaring you exactly?

I cocked a brow at his question. Are you really asking me that?
I just dont know what Ive done. I dont have any tattoos, or piercings. Save for my phone,
my pockets are empty. I havent sworn at you, or stoned you. What is it thats scaring you about me?
You could be dangerous, I simply stated.
Not to you, he replied steadfastly. Not to anyone, really, unless they inflict pain on me.
Im just like any other person.
I believed him. Still. I wouldnt make this easy for him.
Whats your name? I asked him.
Ben.
A normal name. Ben what?
Costigan.
Ben Costigan. I wanted to try that on my tongue and see how it sounded. I liked Strangers
name. How did you know my address?
Because I wanted to. Yet another answer that wasnt an answer.
Look, he then said, taking a slow step forward, I can tell youre a very cautious woman.
Im only here to talk to you. I promise. Call your friend up. Tell her Im here. Give her my name and
description. Whatever will make you feel safer around me. Hell, you can even invite her over if you
dont want to be alone with me. Ill wait right here until shes come around.
Why do you want to just talk to me?
Because I want to get to know you.
Why?
Why not?
Because Im me, was the answer I didnt say aloud. What the hell was worth knowing about
me?
I pondered his words for a minute. I knew I was being extra cautious because of my attack
nine months ago. I was always looking for the unexpected in situations that werent as complex as Id
made them out to be.
Hey Claire, came a voice nearby, pulling me out of my thoughts.
My neighbour, Miles, stood on the edge of his lawn, looking over at us. This was my first time
seeing him in weeks, and it was a little awkward.
Hows it going, Miles? I asked him.
He looked over at Ben suspiciously before answering, Yeah, good. Came home last night.

Oh really, the sarcastic part of me wanted to say, I hadnt noticed with all the lights, music
and people going in and out of your house!
He always threw parties when he was home, and that was the one downfall to having Miles as
your neighbour. You barely slept a wink on the weekends.
Welcome back, I said to him disinterestedly. Is there anything I can do for you?
Just wondering if youre alright, he replied, looking from me to Ben.
Ah, he was checking up on me. Despite what a nuisance he could be from time to time, it put
me at ease he cared enough to check on my wellbeing.
Bens face fell after Miles said those words. Shes fine, he told him through gritted teeth.
Im asking her, Miles retorted, glaring at him. And if youre bothering her
No, I really am fine, Miles, I interrupted him with a reassuring smile. This is my friend,
Ben.
But Miles shook his head, unable to resist looking sceptical. Yeah, well, you let me know if
you need anything, alright?
I nodded. Alright.
Youre welcome to join the party too, if youd like. I can wait for you
She wont be joining your party, Ben said harshly, turning his body completely to him.
Shell be talking to me. So how about you turn around and go back to getting sloshed instead of
interrupting us again?
Miles looked stunned, and his breathing picked up as his anger set in. But the way Ben was
staring at him would have been lethal if looks truly did kill. It didnt help Ben was much bigger than
him too. He looked between the two of us and then turned around, stumbling back in the direction of
his house.
Im sorry for being hard on him, Ben said in a voice that was far from apologetic. I dont
like to be interrupted, especially by drunks.
I stifled a laugh. Miles might have stuck around for eons if Ben hadnt said what he did. I ran a
hand through my hair and kicked the door open all the way.
You can come in, I told Ben. I didnt want to attract any more attention, or God forbid
interruptions.
I turned away from him and walked into the house. I heard him enter and shut the door. When I
felt his presence behind me, the nerves rebounded. I turned to look at him and my face landed straight
into his chest. The scent of him was all around me. Startled, I took a step back. His grey eyes met
mine a split second later, and those lips went up again as he let me put distance between us.
Was it your friend I snapped at? he then asked.
I paused and then shook my head. Neighbour.

A very concerned one, it seemed.

I shrugged. Just a neighbour, I stressed. The last thing I wanted was for him to be getting
ideas wrong ones.
He gave me a nod. Alright.
Cue another brutal silence.
One that consisted solely of us staring at each other.
When his focus lingered on my mouth, for a second every part of me believed he was going to
cut the distance and kiss me. He looked like he was about to. Like there was nothing holding him
back. I envisioned it. I remembered how soft his lips were, and how much I wanted to slip my tongue
in between the seam of his mouth and taste him.
I waited with bated breath, but it didnt come. He remained standing in his place, waiting on
me. I was a little disheartened, and then annoyed I wouldnt have objected if he did.
I was quickly becoming those too stupid to live girls.
You can have a seat, I finally managed out, breaking whatever it was between us.
I motioned to the entrance lounge. The house was modestly sized and open concept. The
lounge backed onto a large granite countered kitchen that Mom had remodelled a couple years ago.
The house itself was old, but it was well maintained. It was lightly decorated, and the warm colours
throughout made the atmosphere very homey.
Still. It was unnerving seeing him inside. He seemed to invade everything it stood for. Like he
was somehow too good for it and belonged in some penthouse somewhere.
I knew I was judging him based on the high-end clothes he was wearing, and because I knew
deep down he was a man that enjoyed the finer things in life. His attitude and demeanour screamed it.
He walked past me, getting close enough to brush his side lightly against my bare arm. It may
have seemed like such an insignificant move, but it made my body buzz with warmth. He sat down on
the three seater beige couch, his body positioned in my direction. He relaxed back into the cushions,
like hed been here ten million times before. Meanwhile, I just stood there, in the centre of the lounge,
not understanding any bit of this.
What do you want from me? I asked him quietly, staring down at the hardwood floor.
You left your wallet in my pocket, he replied. Clearly you want something from me.
I shook my head slowly. That was a year ago.
Has that changed then? You dont want what you did before?
I pursed my lips and frowned. I dont even know what I wanted before.
You wanted me to find you.
I didnt respond to that. He was right.

You were attracted to me on that train, he went on smoothly. There was no hesitation in this
man. You liked the way I made you feel.
I continued to stare down at the fascinating hardwood floor, idly counting the light scratches in
the wood. I could feel the awkwardness in me grow.
Is that why you kissed me?
I froze and my cheeks flushed at the memory. God, I was so bold back then. Who was that
girl? Shed have kicked ass in this moment and danced circles around him in that seductive way shed
mastered so well.
No, I whispered. Thats not why I kissed you.
Will you tell me the reason?
No.
I looked up when he went silent. He was looking at me like I was a code he was trying to
crack. Oh, baby, crack away.
Come sit down next to me, he then told me, motioning to the seat beside him.
Holy hell. This was my house and he was trying to make me feel comfortable! I was reluctant
to at first, finding comfort in standing a safe distance away from him. But my body obeyed him before
my mind could come to grips with his words. I sat down, grateful that the good side of my face was in
his direct line of view. I pulled my dress down and brought my legs together, feeling very conscious
of the way I looked.
So what now? I found myself asking, staring into my lap.
Now you can look at me, he replied.
I turned my head slightly in his direction and my eyes jumped to his.
Why did you decide now to reach out? I wondered aloud.
Several reasons, he answered. He leaned forward, until my body was acutely aware of his,
and his fingers touched my hair. I stifled a shiver as he pulled back my hair and tucked it behind my
ear. Christ, it was almost intimate.
This was very odd.
What are they? I let out.
He broke into a lopsided smile. First tell me why you kissed me.
Maybe you were just so irresistible.
He chuckled. Youre not a very good liar.
I know, I admitted with a sheepish smile. Thats landed me in hot waters too many times to
count.

Lying?
Yeah.
He nodded heartily. I believe that. You made a series of lies when we met. Dropping those
skittles into my lap intentionally
M&Ms.
Then you told me you were a tourist.
I smiled. Clearly giving you my wallet told you I wasnt.
It had nothing to do with your wallet. It was what you were wearing.
My eyes widened. How did that give it away?
You looked nothing like a tourist would, in your fancy clothes and done up hair. Nothing like
the backpackers strolling the city streets.
Why would you think I would have been a backpacker if I really was a tourist?
Youre young, and you were riding public transport. You had a brand name bag, no camera.
You were relaxed with your good Australian friend, like youd done the trek a million times before.
You were certainly not a tourist. Tourists your age riding public transport have a look, one that you
certainly didnt possess.
When I didnt respond right away, he added, And you knew what Pommie meant. Not many
people on the other side of the world do.
My goodness, this guy. You sound like you really know what youre talking about.
I do. Im very well-travelled. Its a reason why I couldnt reach out, actually. Ive been away
for months.
I tilted my head to the side, intrigued already by this. You told me you live here.
I told you that among other places I live here.
Had he said that? I thought back at our conversation on the train. It was such a small detail, I
must not have paid any attention to it. Where have you been?
Everywhere, he said, looking thoughtful now. A good while in Tangier, though.
Tangier, Morocco?
Youve been?
I nearly laughed. Oh, my God, no! I havent travelled at all except when I came here. Why
were you in Morocco?
Business, he simply said.
My eyes narrowed. What sort of business?
A thought crossed his mind before he answered, I own a furniture business in Malaga. I get

my stock imported from parts of Asia, but Ive been exploring other places, checking to see if theres
any competition.
Sounds tiring.
It is. In the long term, I might move on to something else.
Long term? I eyed him inquisitively now, uncaring that my face was in full view of him.
How old are you?
Thirty.
I paused. Nine years older than me. Well, shit, that was a pretty big age difference.
What is it? he asked, amused once again. Am I too old to be around you? Not hip enough
or something?
No, I just guess I would have thought at thirty youd be in something you wanted to make a
career out of.
Something dark flashed in his eyes. With some unease, he looked away from me and rested his
arm on the armrest. Sometimes who you are is nothing like the person you want to be. And thats
something I realized a short while ago. I may be now in my thirties, but Im probably just as clueless
as you.
Wryly, I raised a brow. Who says Im clueless?
Youre not? What are you doing with your life?
Feeling a lot more relaxed by our conversation and its normalcy (sort of), I rested my back
against the cushion and got comfortable. Im studying.
To become what?
A teacher.
Is that something youre passionate about?
I thought about it, and then I shrugged. I dont know. It seemed like an easy decision at the
time I began studying. Felt right I guess. And at the time I chose, I wasnt scarred. Now the idea of
being a teacher in front of a classroom with all that attention on me was unnerving.
With a wicked gleam in his eye, he cheekily said, I can see you being a teacher. Youd carry
yourself well. Of course you might distract the boys, but Im sure theyd rather you than some hairy
old woman with taco breath.
My face reddened as I laughed at that, and he smiled widely, chuffed with himself as his eyes
roamed my face. His gaze deepened when he remarked softly, Youre incredibly beautiful.
A swarm of tingles settled into the bottom of my belly. I looked away from him and back into
my lap. God, you cant handle a compliment now?
That was one of the things I said to you on that train, he continued. But your beauty then

was filled with arrogance.

And now its not?
No, not at all.
And anybody could guess why.
Youre not too bad yourself, I muttered.
Oh? You like what you see?
My heart pumped harder as I willed myself to look at him again. His piercing gaze left my
body feeling like it was being squeezed tight by an invisible force, knocking me breathless. I was on
fire, and I was sure my face gave away what he was doing to me.
No response? he whispered.
I felt his body draw nearer to me.
Of course I do, I replied shakily.
His fingers suddenly trailed my arm, igniting a trial of goose bumps. The skin he touched
blazed for him. The silence between us was thick with hot tension. I could feel the very pit of my
belly stir with desire. He was turning me on just by his bloody fingers and I was immediately aware
of what was going on here. The only question I was asking myself was, Should I go through with it?
I did. I wanted to. Hell, I imagined myself being taken right then and there on that couch.
But
Abruptly, I stood up, breaking the contact of his touch. Shit, what the hell was I doing?
Did you want me to get you anything? I asked him, not meeting his eye. Something to drink
and eat or?
From the corner of my eye, I saw him run a hand through his hair. Uh, sure. Whatever you
have will do.
I nodded and took off to the kitchen. Im a chicken shit. I felt scattered, opening cupboards
and peering in. My mind was distracted by him sitting half a room away. I ended up stopping to watch
him. His back was to me and he was leaning over now, leafing through a magazine on the coffee table.
Why did I freak out so much?
Returning to the task at hand, I pulled out a box of crackers. Was I seriously going to make him
a platter of crackers and cheese? What the hell was wrong with me? My hands were trembling, and I
had to pause and breathe slowly through my mouth. I was trying to play hostess to a questionable man
I hardly knew in my house at quarter to midnight. To top it all off, I couldnt stop repeating his words
in my head.
Youre incredibly beautiful. Was he blind? Or was he just a liar?
Hes blind, I decided. Had to be.

Is everything alright?
My body went rigid. He sounded close. Very close.
I turned my head to him. He was standing at the entrance of the kitchen, looking at me
concernedly. Was he pitying me? Is that what this was about?
I threw the box of crackers down on the counter and faced him. What do you want from me?
I asked out of frustration with my arms slightly raised. I dont get it. Why are you really here?
He went still. Even his breathing slowed as he watched me with lips parted. I waited for a
response, feeling like I was going mad. The man was gorgeous. He could be anywhere right now. Yet
he abruptly re-entered my life and it made absolutely no sense to me!
Do you want me gone? he asked cautiously.
No! No! No!
I just want to know what you want, I replied.
I couldnt tell what he was thinking, but he stole my breath away with the look he was giving
me. That same heat from before crackled between us; it was a connection that flowed like the
particles of an electric current, the kind of charge you felt deep in your bones. Never before had I
wanted someone as badly as I wanted him. Nine months of pining for a stranger I never thought Id
see again, and I was ravenous for his company. And the best part of all was I knew he felt it too.
His tongue lightly lapped his bottom lip as he stared down at my mouth, and I had a distinct
idea what he was about to do.
I was right.
He took two steps forward and crashed his mouth to mine.

Chapter Six
Look at me
I stood still as Bens hands rested on each side of my face. He kissed me without restraint, moving his
soft lips harshly against my own as though he never would have the chance to again. I shut my eyes
and kissed him back with equal fervour.
My mind was mute, and my body was all feeling. My hands gripped his shirt as I angled my
head up for a deeper kiss. The second I felt his tongue seeking a way in, I opened my mouth and
accepted it. My body shook at the taste of him and his breathing picked up as his body pressed against
mine. My back hit the kitchen counter, and his hand drifted down my neck and along the front of my
body. He gripped my hip and squeezed it gently. I felt the press of his bulge against my stomach and
lightly moaned into his mouth.
I want you, he panted against my opened mouth. Thats why Im here. Its the only reason
Im here, beauty.
I wrapped an arm around the back of his neck and kissed him deeply. I felt an ache already.
The need to be touched. To be close.
His hand on my hip moved lower. His fingers trailed the hem of my dress before dipping
beneath the fabric. Withdrawing from my mouth, he gave me light kisses along my jaw line and
stroked the back of my thighs. I tilted my head up higher so he had access to my neck. I felt his heated
kisses move lower as he lightly caressed my skin with his tongue.
Do you like this? he asked me.
I nodded.
Do you want me to stop?
I shook my head.
What do you want?
You, I puffed out, and this. So much more of this.
He picked me up and settled me on the kitchen counter. My legs spread apart and he stepped
between them. My other hand drifted down his back and pulled him closer to me. I inched closer to
the edge of the counter, seeking the friction between my legs to quench the pulsing ache that was
growing there.
He rested each hand over the top of my bare thigh and kissed me, deeply and thoroughly, until
I was groaning for more. My hand slowly drifted down his torso, feeling the hard muscle beneath the
fabric of his shirt. It settled on the bulge in his pants. One rub and he pulled back instantly.
Panting hard, he said, I dont Im not here for that.

I stared at him for a moment and nodded. I tried to rationalize his words and tell myself he
was right. That this was stupid. It was wrong, and we could wait
I gripped his shirt and pulled him back to me. Fuck all that rubbish. I wanted him. So damn
much, I was shaking.
Breathing hard against his mouth, I said, My bedroom is upstairs. First door.
He tensed and went still for a second, not even kissing back as he thought about my words.
And then all at once his hands gripped the back of each thigh again. He picked me back up, and I
immediately wrapped my legs around his waist. He kissed my mouth lightly on his way out of the
kitchen. His chest was moving rapidly against my own as he took me up the stairs and to the first
bedroom. He opened it and stepped inside.
His eyes stayed on mine as he rested my feet back on the floor. He took a step back and said,
Take your dress off. Now.
I quickly did as he said, unzipping it from the side and letting it fall to the floor. All the while
he was languidly unbuttoning his dress shirt and watching me with hooded eyes. He threw his shirt off
before undoing his belt.
Everything, he then demanded in a hard tone, nodding his head to my bra. Take it all off.
I shakily unclasped my bra and slid my panties down. Id done this song and dance many times
before with guys Id spoken less words to, but we were usually not sober.
I kept my arms to my side as I stood before him completely naked. It helped the room was
dark, but the butterflies in my stomach reminded me of how long itd been since I was with a guy. And
this guy was something else. He was over six feet of sexy male goodness.
Keeping his gaze on my body, he took his clothes off at a leisurely pace. He was lean, tall,
and strong. His broad shoulders were thick, his chest was wide, and his stomach was curved
beautifully with pronounced abs.
He wasnt overly muscular, but right in the middle between thick and lean. A perfect
combination that made him appear all the more ripped. My eyes lapped him up and down, until I was
wetting my lips and staring heatedly below his V-line.
He was long. Thick. Hard.
Clothed and naked, Ben Costigan was the sexiest man Id ever seen.
On the bed, he ordered. Rest on your back.
There was a kind of buzz at being ordered what to do. It wasnt some drunk make-out session
followed by a rushed session of sex. Ben was direct and demanding.
I lay down on the bed and waited tentatively for his next move. He approached the bed and
loomed over me. His eyes skimmed my body from head to toe, and my breathing slowed when his
hand wrapped around his length. He pumped himself once, twice, before he asked in a low voice,
How long has it been since youve been with a man, beauty?

My eyes were glued to his slow movements when I weakly replied, A long time.
How long? he pressed tightly. Be specific.
Nine months.
I looked up at his face just as he nodded. Good.
The bed shifted as he climbed on. The anticipation was killing me. His movements were slow
and unrushed. He looked at every part of me, and it was difficult not to feel self-conscious. My body
had changed dramatically in nine months. My muscle tone had gone. The curves of my hips had
shrunken. And my breastswell, each could easily fit into the palm of his hand.
Are you on birth control? he asked, positioning himself on his knees.
I nodded. Id been on birth control since I was fifteen.
Good. Now spread your legs.
I did as he asked, keeping my vision fixed on him. I spread my legs apart, feeling the cold air
drift between them. He took my legs with each hand and skimmed up them. Once he reached my inner
thighs, he spread them further apart.
Like that, he whispered.
I felt vulnerable and completely open to him. He stared between my legs with parted lips and
a hand still wrapped around himself. Then he glanced back up at me, and a wolfish smirk formed his
lips as he said, Show me how you pleasure yourself.
Startled by his request, I blinked helplessly at him. For a few seconds there was a hesitant
silence. Sure Id been with many men, but I wasnt technically experienced. Theyd been drunk
moments that lasted minutes. And I certainly never pleasured myself in front of someone before.
Ben took my limp hand and rested it between my legs. I want to see how you do it. Show me
how you fuck yourself.
While wed long adjusted to the darkness, I was suddenly very glad he couldnt see the blush
heating my cheeks. Trembling, I stroked myself. Too nervous, I didnt feel the usual sparks when I
was turned on. It sort of felt numb as I moved my fingers in random directions. I couldnt relax while
being closely observed like this.
He seemed to sense this too and frowned. Do you like what you see, Claire?
I nodded.
Speak.
Yes.
Stare at my body. Hell, look at my damn cock and see how hard I am for you. This is what
you do to me. You leave me completely pining to be inside of you. Pining to fuck you silly. Im hard
as a rock. He took my hand and wrapped it around his length and I sucked in a breath. Fuck, this was
hot. See? Now relax and enjoy yourself. Because its just you and me, beauty. This is between us,

and its going to feel good when youve let go. So, let go.
He moved my hand back between my legs. I relaxed like he told me to and feasted my eyes
on his body. His length was what got to me the most. He was hard. For me. And I felt it. He liked
what he was seeing, and hed like it even more if I touched myself.
I rubbed myself again, slowly running circles along my clit. A thunderbolt of pleasure ran up
my body and I gasped at the feeling. He watched me closely, stroking his erection as I continued to
pleasure myself.
I shut my eyes as the tingles began to multiply. It felt naughty being observed. I moved faster,
arching my back. I felt the mattress shift, and his warmth drew nearer. I moaned lightly, already lost in
my movements. I wanted to get there and I wanted him to see and enjoy it.
Stop, he suddenly told me.
I almost whimpered at the loss of pleasure, but I obeyed. I stopped rubbing myself and
waited.
Open your eyes.
I opened them and looked into his.
Put a finger inside you, he instructed, and look at me while you do it.
Holy hell.
My body felt like a ball of fire. Any second now Id disintegrate into a cloud of smoke. But I
was too turned on to stop. I stared at him as I slowly edged my finger into my entrance. I resisted
moaning at the pulsing feeling of pleasure shooting up. His eyes stared hard at me, but his chest
moved faster, a sign that he was not as composed as he let on.
Thats it, he muttered. All the way in.
Shaking, I slid my finger inside.
Good. Now take it out.
The second I withdrew my finger, he grabbed my wrist lightly and brought my hand up to his
face. My breathing thinned as he took my finger all the way into his mouth and slowly sucked it from
end to tip. Oh, my God, if I wasnt drenched in lust before, this had done it.
He set my hand back down to my side and brought his body over mine. I knotted my fingers
into his hair as he kissed me hard. He stroked his tongue against mine, urgently spreading my legs
wide to accommodate himself between them. I lifted my hips and felt his hard length near my
entrance, brushing against my core. I brought my hands down to his lower back and tried to pull him
down to me.
I was so turned on, I couldnt see straight. I didnt care how desperate I looked either. I just
wanted him. I wanted that need to be quenched. I wanted to feel the warmth of him like it was all that
mattered in my world.

Im not a gentle man, he suddenly whispered into my ear, but Im going to be gentle this
first time. Okay?
I nodded. I could feel the impact of those words, insinuating to me there was more to come.
It excited me. He wanted me, and not in the way most others have.
He looked down between us as he rubbed the head of his cock against me, coating himself
with my wetness. His breathing was hard and strained as he pumped himself outside of me a few
times before settling back to my entrance. He leaned down and, with a kiss as soft as satin, he finally
pushed into me. I stifled a moan and went to close my eyes when his hand gripped my chin suddenly.
No, he breathed against me. Look at me.
I opened my eyes and looked at him. He looked just as drunk with pleasure as me, but he
kept his eyes on mine as he continued his slow trek within me. Itd been so long, and the feeling of
fullness had my eyes rolling to the back of my head.
Look at me, he repeated softly.
When I did, my chest squeezed and a strange feeling soared through me. It was hard looking
at him. It felt too personal. I wanted to close my eyes and just drown myself in the feeling, but he
kept his hand cupped at my chin and my face directed at him. He moved in and out slowly, as if
savouring every inch, and when I made to close my eyes again, he paused and waited for me to open
them.
So I kept them directed at him, even though it was hard. While I felt the pleasure of his
thrusts, I was too distracted by the personal invasion of his gaze. I felt stripped bare and he could see
all of me.
He brushed his tongue against mine again before his lips roamed my face. My breathing
stopped entirely when his mouth made contact with my scars. He kissed every individual one
delicately, like that part of my face deserved to be cherished. Pain shot through my heart, and I was
terrified he could see it in my eyes.
This was too much. I wanted him to stop. I couldnt bear to be touched there.
But I only found myself gripping him tighter and fighting back the tears that surfaced behind
my eyes as he continued to move into me. His breaths turned to pants as his thrusts quickened. He
gripped my ass above the mattress and sent sharper, harder thrusts into me. He groaned at this, pulling
my lower body a few inches up so it was elevated. His thrusts went deeper this way and I shook
suddenly at the pleasure that I was edging toward.
How did he get me there so fast?
I moaned loudly as I began to approach the crest.
Thats it, lovely, he growled. You feel incredible. The way youre hugging my cock right
now, its killing me.
I dug my nails into his skin and frantically kissed him. It was more breath than kiss, though.

Thats it, he repeated. Get yourself there.

I trembled and cried out. Oh, the pleasure. On and on it went. On and on he went. It built and
built and
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
The orgasm that rocked my body was sudden and bittersweet. It stretched on, a buzz that
seemed to flow as fast as my bloodstream. I shook and rode it out as Ben gripped me tight and
followed with his own release. Eyes still locked with mine, he grunted against my mouth. I felt his
cock jerk inside of me, and his body quaked as he came.
For a split second his walls went down, and I saw a vulnerability in him. I felt his melancholy
before he panted and buried his face into my neck, as though he didnt want me to see.
The minutes that followed were silent as a grave. I felt the pounding of both our hearts
against each others pressed chests, and I wrapped my arms around him. I held him close, and stared
up into the darkness. I found myself asking the same question over and over again.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?

Chapter Seven
Im very picky
He moved off of me. For a split second I expected him to get out of bed and start to get ready to leave.
That had been my reality when Id started bedding men: screwing someone and getting out of there
minutes after it ended. Like a quota that had been filled, you were of no more use.
I watched Ben closely as he ran a hand through his hair and rested on his back. He was still
catching his breath when his arm reached out and found me. To my astonishment, he pulled me to him,
until I had my head over his chest and my front body against his side. We were sweaty and we
smelled of sex, but beneath all that I still caught the whiff of his unique scent.
I relaxed after a tense few moments. He absently ran his fingers up and down my spine, and I
couldnt help but feel like one of the many heroines I read about in my books. The way they felt safe
and warm in the heros arms, I understood that feeling now. Ben was the first guy that bothered to
bring me close after he got what he wanted. But unlike the other guys that came and went, hed looked
after my needs too.
I felt cherished.
Whyd you ask me how long itd been since Id been with someone? I wondered out loud,
breaking the silence.
His fingers paused at my lower back. Because I didnt want to be another number to you,
he answered bluntly.
You? A number? I nearly laughed.
Why is that so funny?
Because you can be with anyone. If anything, Im the number.
He chuckled dryly. Then youre a very low number because I dont have sex with just
anybody, little lady. Im very picky.
I smiled discreetly. What had I done right to be chosen? I hated having all these questions in
my head. I was not the type of girl that liked to stew on shit or misconstrue it. So I simply asked him,
Why did you decide on me right now? I dont understand.
He looked down at me with knitted brows. And I dont understand why you find that so
shocking.
I shrugged, not meeting his eye. Well, you just showed up out of nowhere and you tell me
you want me and I dont get it.
Im very attracted to you.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and slam my head against the wall. How many ways did I

have to ask him why hed suddenly appeared in my life? He didnt strike me as the type that wanted to
just bed me and move on. No, he wanted me. And I needed to know why!
Have I taken advantage of you? he asked.
No.
I know I should have slowed down, but I couldnt help myself.
Neither could I. I inhaled sharply and closed my eyes. God, this warmth was addictive.
Ive never been like this with someone before.
Like what?
Like this.
Never?
I shook my head slightly and continued to relax. I listened to his heartbeats, and it soothed
me. Nine months of rainy days and the sun finally came out. Whether this was just a fleeting moment
of happiness or not was irrelevant. The point was I could feel again, and that gave me hope.
He resumed stroking me, and, like a child, I wrapped my arm around him and clung to him
like he was my lifeline. It felt good, yet my heart was acting funny. While it felt like it was soaring, it
also squeezed as though itd been wound up tight by a thread. That thread was tugging, and with every
tug it felt painful.
Is this what likeness was? Id never truly experienced it before. Id been attracted to men,
sure, but never gotten close enough emotionally to truly like them.
And to think, I used to hate the heroines in my books for turning into spineless goo around a
man. If this was just a tenth of what they felt, then I was in deep shit.
Because at this rate, I was becoming one of them.
*****
It wasnt dreaming that brought me back to that horrid event every morning. It was the feeling of
waking up. The one thing that stayed with me imprinted into my soul like a tattoo was the fear I
felt when I woke up.
It was a fear that churned my stomach and made my heart race. It made my skin break out in
sweat and my body tremble. The fear of being hurt, of confronting what Id done the lives Id ruined
because of my actions that was what came crashing down on me every morning.
I opened my mouth just as the panic swept it. Like a machine, I stepped back into the usual
dreaded routine that occupied me most mornings. Jumping out of bed, I raced out of my bedroom.
Nearly tripping over my feet, I made it just in time to hunch over the toilet and throw up.
Nothing came up. I wrapped my arm around my sore stomach and dry heaved over and over
again. Until hot tears started falling down my face, reminding me of my pathetic weakness.
Im vile. So fucking vile.

I nearly startled out of my skin when a hand touched my shoulder.

And then reality came crashing down like a wall of bricks. I remembered last night. The club.
My stranger. The sex. And then I realized what I was wearing. Or lack thereof.
Im naked.
Im naked because I had sex with a man.
A man I barely know.
And hes watching me right now.
Naked.
Throwing up.
Ah, fuckity-fuck times a million fucks.
Are you alright? Ben asked, and then he added just as quickly, Stupid question, actually.
You clearly arent. Let me put your hair up
No, go! I interrupted him after a violent heave.
I cant leave you like this
Please, Im sick! And very naked.
He didnt go. Instead, he brought the hair that had splayed across my face back behind my
ears. I heaved some more and cried out, Please go. Im naked, Ben, please.
So am I. Nothing to hide here.
Fuck, he really wasnt going to go away. And I just had to peek at him to learn that he was,
indeed, naked. My goodness, even in my sick state I had to admire this body. Under the light, every
muscle was all the more pronounced, making me glad I hadnt conjured up last nights version of him
in the dark.
He settled down behind me, his heat against my back. His hand moved up and down my spine
as I cried into the toilet like a child. To boot, he was comforting me, like I was made of fucking glass
and on the verge of shattering. I didnt deserve to be comforted, and yet I was torn because I didnt
want him to stop.
After several minutes of this unbearable humiliation, I flushed the toilet and wiped my mouth
with a wad of toilet paper.
Are you feeling better? he asked me.
No. Yeah.
Was it something you ate? Because I dont remember tasting alcohol on your tongue when I
kissed you. God, only he could make that sound erotic.
I dont drink anymore, I stated vacantly.
It was only after a while of tense quiet that I realized I hadnt answered his question.
Must have been the food, I mumbled.

Hmm. And youre feeling better now?

Yeah. The feeling of sickness eased away significantly.
A nice hot shower might help you some more.
He let go of my hair and stood up. Opening the shower stall door, he turned the water on. He
adjusted the water with a hand under it until he was satisfied with the temperature. Then he turned to
me and offered his hand.
I took it and he pulled me up swiftly. He grabbed the toilet paper from my other hand and
tossed it into the toilet.
Alright, he said, motioning to the stall, in we go.
I stepped in and waited for him to follow, but he stood by the bathroom door and peered out
questionably.
Is there anyone else in this house at the moment? he asked. I didnt hear anyone coming in
during the night.
No, I answered. My moms in Melbourne.
He nodded and shut the door. He stepped into the shower and I moved back to make room for
him. He looked so casual about this, moving under the spray to soak himself. It was like one of those
commercials: main focal point his drenched upper body, water cascading down the face in slow
motion, him shaking his head and running his hands through his hair.
I fucked that, I smiled to myself. Yep, and I was proud. Id high five myself if it didnt make
me look creepy. Id just have to reserve it for Emily.
The shampoos are all girly, I said as he grabbed one off the rack.
He smirked at me. As much as I want to smell like Cherry Blossom, this is for you, not me.
So turn around.
Youre going to wash my hair?
No, Im going to wash that plump little ass with Cherry Blossom shampoo.
He chuckled and I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm, turning my back to him. He wrapped an arm
just under my breasts and pulled me closer to him. My breath hitched and my core clenched when I
felt his mouth lightly licking a path down my shoulder.
Its like touching a metal rod, he muttered in my ear. Loosen up a bit, beauty. No need to
be shy now.
Easy for him to say. This was yet another first with a man.
I stood still as he ran his hands through my hair. He soaked it thoroughly before he squeezed
the shampoo into the long strands. He handed me my toothbrush and toothpaste while he massaged my
scalp in the most relaxing way.

With my eyes closed, I brushed the nasty taste in my mouth away, welcoming the cool mint on
my tongue. There was no better feeling than a clean mouth except Bens hands on your body, of
course.
I rinsed the toothbrush and said, Theres a spare one in the cupboard if you want me to grab
it. Just in case you want to brush your teeth too.
I have a better idea, he replied.
After he rinsed my hair, he turned me around and took my finger. I raised a brow at him as last
nights memory of where this finger had been flashed through me. As if reading my mind, the corner of
his mouth quirked up. Yeah, we were totally thinking about the same thing.
He pushed out a bit of toothpaste over the tip of my finger and brought it to his mouth.
I giggled fucking giggled when he started using it as a toothbrush. He rubbed the pad of
my finger up and down his front teeth, looking hilariously serious down at me with a twinkle in his
eye.
Youve got perfect teeth, I remarked as he then rubbed my finger against his tongue. I
laughed nonstop, and it suddenly occurred to me that he was most likely doing this to loosen me up. It
was working.
So do you, he replied, running the thumb of his free hand along my lower lip. Beautiful
smile.
No, my teeth arent perfect, I rebutted. They were far from perfect. My lateral incisors
clashed with my squared front teeth, making them appear pointed and far from straight. I used to get
told the way they looked when I smiled was charming. In other words, you look goofy, but it
strangely suits you.
He took my finger out and rinsed his mouth before giving me a wide grin.
Feeling comfortable and in the moment, I reacted out of impulsive and brought my arms up and
around his neck. I pressed my chest against his and stared up at him. He didnt look surprised by my
abrupt move, instantly embracing it. An arm went around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I was
fully under the spray with him when he brought his face down to mine and kissed me.
You have sexy lips, he murmured, flicking his tongue along them. They beg to be ravaged.
So ravage them, I told him with a smile.
He did. God, he kissed me like it meant something to him. Either I did in a short amount of
time (unlikely), or he was just a phenomenal kisser (most likely).
It was only seconds later when I felt him hardening. It was hard to believe I was really doing
this to him. I loved it. I felt so desired and sexy.
My breaths quickened as I slipped my tongue into his mouth. He tasted good. Nice and minty.
His hand gripped my hair as the other roamed my back. Up and down before he pulled away from my
mouth and turned me abruptly around.

With my back to him, he said, Turn your head to me.

I crooked my head to the side and his mouth found mine. He pulled my back flush against his
chest and ran his hand down my body, stopping along the way to cup my breast. When he squeezed it,
I moaned breathlessly into his mouth. My whole body was alive and sensitive of every touch. The
sickness had long faded into black. I was all feeling and little thinking.
His other hand trailed down my side and cupped me between the thighs. He kissed me harder,
sucking on my lower lip as his hard length prodded my back. I shivered against him, even though I
was burning from the heat of the water and his hot flesh.
His fingers moved between my slick folds and I shook, barely able to reciprocate the kiss he
was passionately giving me. He stroked me gently and I panted into his mouth. I shut my eyes,
concentrating on the sparks below. I felt like a firework on the verge of exploding.
Thats it, he murmured in my ear. I can feel you tightening. I can feel you about to come.
Im going to fuck you after you do, so hurry the hell up, beauty, because Im not sure how much more
waiting I can take.
I groaned at his words. This mans voice alone was sex.
I tensed as he quickened the pace and sucked in a breath when the explosion finally erupted. I
sagged against him, feeling the exquisite tingles run up and down my body, weakening my legs until I
could hardly stand.
Even long after I caught my breath, his hand was still cupped in the same spot. Not stroking.
Not moving. Just touching.
Finally, his kisses rained down my neck and along my shoulder. He bent me forward, until my
forehead was against the glass and gripped my hips with each of his large hands.
There wont be anything gentle about this, he told me in a hard tone, contradicting the
gentleness moments ago.
I nodded.
At least I think I did.
I was still lost to the world in my orgasm induced haze when I was unexpectedly jolted back.
His cock slammed into me. Stretching me. Filling me. Making me gasp out.
A hand ran up my wet spine, collecting my hair into a knotted ball in his fist. He moved out of
me slowly, but not a second passed before he pulled me back to him. I cried out suddenly, pressing
each hand flat against the glass. Trying to grip something but failing, my body could do nothing but
bend to him and let him take me how he wanted.
He moved into me with savage depth, and I startled every time. He was big, hitting the end of
my channel with every thrust. At first, I shut my eyes and tried to focus on just riding this out. It hurt.
It bloody hurt a lot.
But I didnt want to rob him of his pleasure. He gave me a mind blowing orgasm after all, and

it was his turn now.

Plus the intensity of the pain was muted by the sounds he was making. They started out low at
first, just a small guttural noise at the back of his throat. But the more he moved into me and the faster
he went, those noises grew louder. They turned into grunts and soft curses. Hearing it was like an
aphrodisiac. It woke up the tingles that had been laid to rest. The sparks ignited again, and I dropped
my face so that it was the top of my head against the glass, and I just felt.
I felt it all.
He filled me up so completely. He moved in so deep. And every time he pulled out, he
touched something inside my walls that had me gasping in pleasure.
Dont stop, I found myself saying. Please dont. Whatever he was doing, it was working.
He was triggering something, rubbing some kind of nerve inside of me that was edging me closer to
another explosion.
Oh, my God, please. I couldnt stop begging him. Completely stripped of my former
modesty, I cried out louder and met his thrusts every time he pulled out.
He tugged my hair sharply, and it was both painful and addictive. The kind of sensation that
seemed to compliment the stir of ecstasy building inside of me.
Fuck, he cursed again, moving faster and harder. I came, and the feeling was like nothing Id
ever experienced. It knocked me breathless.
It didnt take him long before he froze behind me, digging his fingernails into my hip, tugging
on my hair so harshly I was sure strands were torn out. The moan oh, my God, that moan came
out of his mouth like a soft caress in the air.
Oh, I was fucked.
With a dick like that, and a voice like his, and a body that perfect I was fucked.
He brought me to him again, and wrapped me into his arms. We caught our breaths in each
others hold, and I didnt want the moment to end. Ever.
It was only after that it dawned on me I hadnt thought of my scars once in that shower with
him.

Chapter Eight
Lucky Bitch
He left me alone soon after to rinse myself off. I did it hurriedly, not wanting to miss one single
moment with him.
My body was still humming from two orgasms. Two! Id never had back to back ones before.
And I certainly never had one without stimulation.
Youve been missing out, Claire.
I turned the water off and quickly stepped out. I grabbed the towel and wrapped it around
myself before scurrying down the hallway. He was probably in my room still and
The sound of the front door slamming shut stopped me in my tracks.
Did he just leave? What the hell?
Hey bitch, where are you?
My shoulders immediately slumped. Shit.
It was Emily coming in. I really hated that Mom gave her a spare key to the house thinking it
was a good idea because she was like family. You give Emily one little inch and shell take a mile.
She used that key not every once in a while, but every bloody time she was around. And the wench
was around a lot.
Her footsteps ascended the stairs and when I saw her, my heart spiked. Ben was kicking
around somewhere very close. He was probably still getting dressed given how quick Id rinsed
myself after hed left.
What are you doing here? I barked out, shooting her a scorching look. Dont you ever
knock?
She turned to me, her back to my bedroom door, and shook her keychain with the house key
on it.
Aint nothing you can do about it because Mama Landon loves me, bitch, she replied with
a wink. And whatre you looking all ghostly white for? Youre just in a towel. Bet youre naked
under there too, huh? Slut.
You need to go! Im really busy
No, she interrupted, taking a step closer to me. It was then I realized she was still in the
same clothes as last night, and her blonde hair and make-up were botched to hell.
She looked like a crucified Barbie doll.
What the hell happened to you? I asked, momentarily forgetting the situation. I snickered
and added, You look like a blowfish. Youre not having a good hair day, babe.

Her blue eyes glared into mine. What happened, she said slowly, is that hot guy from the
train a year ago just popped up out of nowhere last night and asked about you! I was bloody drunk, so
I was all, huh? But now I realize thats what you were talking about right before we left, right? About
how something interesting might happen.
So now you got some explaining to do! Youre a lying bitch, and that automatically means
youre sentenced to another Dare Card. But first, you gotta tell me if something interesting did happen.
Because Im hoping it did. She grabbed my arm desperately. Did you get laid? Of course you got
laid. Was he huge? Please tell me he was huge so I can live vicariously through you and forget about
my horrible experience last night with some limp dick asshole that didnt even get me there. He was
tiny. Like throwing a sausage down a hallway kind of tiny, Claire! Do you know what that was like
for me? Do you know horny I am still
When Ben abruptly appeared at the doorway of my bedroom, I stilled and my eyes widened.
Hed put his pants on, but his damp chest was still bare.
Emily stopped talking and followed my line of sight. She froze, her mouth dropping as she
trailed her eyes up and down his body.
Motioning to him, I said, This is
Im the drunk girl from last night, she interrupted speedily. Emily.
Ben shot her a small smile. Yes, you certainly are. Hi.
Insert a moment of silence.
Well, this was awkward.
This is Ben, I then told her. Um yeah.
Cool, she said, nodding heartily while she looked between the two of us. Looks like you
guys had a fun night.
Oh, I wanted to punch her.
She grinned stupidly. Really fun.
Ben smirked. Yes, it was. Anyways, do you mind if I excuse myself for a few minutes? I
need to make a phone call.
Of course, I replied. Take your time. Well be downstairs.
I grabbed Emilys arm and forcefully dragged her down the stairs, otherwise shed have stood
there all day, staring at him looking like a Satan possessed doll. The girl was in desperate need of a
clean-up.
The second we reached the bottom level, she stirred out of her daze and mouthed,
OH.MY.GOD! while jumping up and down incredulously.
Clutching the towel tightly against me, I reddened. I know, right?
You lucky bitch. How could you keep something like this from me?

I didnt mean to.

How long have you been seeing him?
I shook my head. I havent. Last night was the first time since the train.
Her eyes widened. What? Youre Miss Cautious. How the hell did you let him get to you that
fast?
Worry emerged in me. I shouldnt have?
No, I didnt mean it like that. Its just its been so long since youve let go. I didnt think
you had it in you anymore.
I looked up the stairwell to make sure he wasnt hanging about, and then I steered her further
down the hall until we were nearing the kitchen.
Theres something about him, I confessed in a whisper. I dont know what. He held me all
throughout the night, Em. Held me. Can you believe that?
She was too lost for words to respond.
It felt good, I continued quietly. Really good. And you wanna know the best bit?
She nodded eagerly. Yes!
He looked me in the eyes while we did it.
Are you for real?
Yeah.
She made a weird face. So the books they didnt lie about that sort of thing?
Nope. It was amazing. Like the kind of connection you cant imagine.
She stewed on that for a few seconds. Are you going to see him again?
I shrugged, trying to make light of the situation. I dont know. I might. Depended on whether
he wanted to.
When we heard footsteps coming down the stairs, she quickly said, Look, Im going to sneak
into the bathroom down here and give you some alone time. Do you mind if I showered too? I smell
like a bucketful of burnt assholes.
Go for it, I told her.
She shot off down the hall and disappeared into the bathroom just as Ben appeared. Hed
finished dressing, to my disappointment. While it was sad his beautiful body was locked away again,
the bigger part of me was anticipating this to be his moment of departure.
Alas, all good things come to an end. If only good memories in dark times were enough to
shed some light back in. Because thats what he was going to be.
A damn good memory.

He smiled warmly at me as he approached me. He tucked his phone into his pocket, and the
sight of it made me a little confused. It was one of those black, generic thirty something dollar phones.
Far, far from fancy, or even of passable quality. He didnt strike me as the kind of guy that had cheap
taste.
Your friend still around? he asked, pulling me away from my confusion.
No, she shot off to shower, I answered.
Very interesting character, that one.
I chuckled. Emilys a colourful girl.
Now what? I stood stiff and uncertain, knowing any second he was going.
His hand shot up to my face, and he lightly brushed my cheek. It was so affectionate and
endearing, I could do nothing but shut my eyes and savour it.
I looked through your room, he told me quietly with a hint of a smile in his voice. I came
across your sketchbook. It was already wide open on your dresser. On a picture of me.
I kept my eyes shut. Someone kill me now. Like NOW.
Yeah, I simply mumbled. I drew you.
Youre extremely talented.
I opened my eyes, timidly nodding. Thank you.
Have you been drawing all your life?
Yes. I do it to make me feel better.
His brows came together. There were a lot of sketches. Are you down a lot?
I shrugged. Im alright now.
He studied me for a little bit.
I had the best night with you, he then said. And an equally incredible morning. But the
worlds turned back on again, and I have to leave.
I nodded again, putting on my fake smile as I dodged looking into his eyes. Yeah, definitely. I
get that.
Now ask for my goddamn number, Ben!
Its important you know I never held any expectations when I arranged to see you, he
continued solemnly. I only wanted to talk, but youre so beautiful I couldnt keep my goddamn hands
to myself.
I couldnt suppress the delicious tingles his words gave me. It was so nice to be wanted.
He ran a hand through his perfectly tousled, wet hair, looking a bit conflicted as he glanced
away from me for a thoughtful beat. He took a small step forward, crowding me with his presence

when he added softly, Id like to see you again. If youll have me, of course.
YES! YES! YES!
My lips curved upwards. Id like that too.
Those grey eyes roamed my face heatedly. God, he looked drunk off lust, and I knew once he
walked out, Id be spending an hour pinching myself to make sure this was truly my reality and not
some desperate mind concocting the worlds hottest fantasy.
He dipped his head and softly brushed his lips against mine. Good, he breathed before
pulling away. Ill keep in touch.
Okay.
A few seconds passed, and he still hadnt asked for my number. So I took the plunge instead.
Do you want to exchange numbers?
I already have your number, he replied.
I blinked at him in surprise.
It was in your wallet, remember? he added with a smirk, like he could hear the question
straight out of my head.
Right. Duh, Claire, you idiot. Can I have yours then?
He took a step back. Like I said, Ill keep in touch.
Seriously? He wasnt going to give me it?
What the fuck?
He shot me a wink and started to leave. See you soon, beauty.
And just like that, he was gone.
Several moments after he left, I hurried to the front window overlooking the street. Parked in
front of the house, the passenger door of a taxi shut the second I glanced out. The car took off down
the street and out of view, taking with it the sexiest man Id ever met.
When had he called a taxi? Hed been on the phone merely minutes ago. They couldnt have
gotten here so fast.
Unless the driver had been lurking about this entire time.
*****
I cant believe you gave him your wallet, sighed Emily, kicking back on the couch as she flipped
through the channels.
Id just spent the last twenty minutes going over what shed missed out on, hoping she
wouldnt pry for more details. Id omitted a lot, particularly about Ben knowing my address. I didnt
want her to turn against him and then try and convince me to steer clear.

Besides, hed been nothing short of caring and tender to me (if you omitted the harsh sex in
the shower, of course). And he thought I was beautiful. Even with the Freddy Krueger scars, he
looked at me with heat in his gaze, like he wanted to devour me.
What if he was some murderer, she went on, breaking me out of my thoughts. Youre an
idiot.
Says the girl that screwed a dude she didnt even know last night, I retorted, grabbing the
remote harshly from out of her hands. At least Ben and I talked. Do you even know the name of the
dude you ditched me for?
Her jaw dropped as she glared at me. As a matter of fact, I do. His name was Darryl. And
we did talk.
What did you talk about?
A lot of shit.
Like?
She didnt respond straightaway. Then she murmured, I didnt know you thought I ditched
you.
I rolled my eyes and shot her a sceptical look. You threw some pothead wanna-be musician
in my face to distract me so you could bump uglies with your prince charming.
She shuddered. Definitely not my prince charming, and Im sorry about the pothead. I really
thought youd be interested in him. He was cute. And I wanted you to stand on your own two feet
without me holding your hand every step of the way.
I know.
I settled on a mind numbing reality show and opened my text book to do some idle studying.
We watched a bit before she said, Why did he take so long to contact you?
I shrugged. He travelled for a long time, and he was busy with work.
Her brows came together. I could see her brain working, but whatever was in there she didnt
vocalise.
So what went wrong with Derek exactly? I asked, hiding my smile.
She grunted in disgusted. Dereks dick went wrong, thats what.
Thought his name was Darryl.
She paused and went red.
I let out a laugh. Caught you, skank.
She threw a cushion in my face. Whatever.
We killed a day watching shit television and eating nasty generic ice cream until our bloated
bellies made us look like heavily pregnant chicks. She spent the night in the guest room, and I chatted

to Mom for twenty minutes before going to bed.

Everything going alright? I said, sounding upbeat.
Great, and you? Did you have a nice night out? she asked.
Downplay it, Claire! Yes, it was pretty good, I guess.
Im so glad, hon. I really like hearing that.
Do anything fun?
Um, well, she started, hesitantly. Ive done some things.
Like what?
I could hear her moving around like she always did when she was nervous about something. I
wondered what was wrong. This wasnt like her.
Mom, I said gently, whatever it is, you can tell me.
To keep my options open, I started applying for jobs here, she blurted out. I got a call back
at one of the hospitals. I have an interview on Monday. But You know, I wont be taking it or
anything. Im just I just applied for the hell of it. Id never just leave you behind or anything
Slow down, Mom, I interrupted her, feeling like my head was about to spin off. I didnt
even know you were unhappy about your job here.
Im not unhappy or anything. I just did it. One of my spontaneous moments, you know?
I rolled my eyes. Mom, youre not a spontaneous person.
Maybe Im trying to be.
Maybe youre trying to get a job there to be with Kevin.
She didnt respond right away. When she started to stammer, I cut in with, If being there
with Kevin will make you happy, then you should definitely consider moving there.
Really?
Yeah, Claire, really?
Mom was the one constant in my life after Id been attacked. The thought of being without her
made me anxious. But at the same time, I was twenty one, and being on my own was something Id
always aimed for eventually. If she wanted to live with Kevin where she was happy and had a better
job, then there was no chance in hell I was going to stand in the way of that.
Yeah, I said, genuinely, really. Keep me updated and let me know how your job interview
goes.
Okay, she replied with surprise. Ill let you know.
We changed the subject and chatted about other things before I got off the phone to get some
sleep.

I stayed up in bed, smelling the scent of Ben all over my sheets. I stared hard at my still phone,
wishing hed call. Or text me. Or do anything to remind me I wasnt some afterthought he wouldnt
bother with again.
I got nothing.

Chapter Nine
On her hands and knees
The days passed by.
No word from Ben.
Every second was spent agonizing over our time together. Every minute that passed made my
body ache for his touch. Every hour felt like a hundred eternities. And the nights Dont get me
started on the fucking nights.
It was brutal.
At first I was anxious with anticipation. He said hed contact me, and I waited impatiently
for something to happen. Id pulled out my phone Id stored away and rebooted it, at first treating it
like a foreign entity I had no clue how to use. Once I familiarized with it again, I bought a months
worth of credit and let nobody know I was back on the grid. I didnt want to wait around and get hit
with a text that wasnt from him.
Then I carried my phone like a nun carries her bible. It was my little salvation, breaking more
holes in the darkness that nine months had shrouded me in and letting hope shine in.
But anticipation soon faded into confusion. In every way imaginable, I asked myself why he
hadnt reached out, until my sanity was on a decline. When my confusion dissipated, I felt anger.
How the fuck had I let a man control my emotions like this? It was humiliating. I was
embarrassed of myself. Of my weakness. Of allowing someone in when they clearly hadnt done the
same. Id been depressed before, sure. The scars had put me into hiding, but one night with Ben had
me crumbling into an insecure mess that had me questioning my sensibility.
Stupid, shallow Claire. Never learning your lesson, huh?
He did what they had all done before him.
Used me. Discarded me.
Forgot me.
*****
I hated school on Wednesdays. One morning class followed by eight hours of waiting around in the
library/school grounds before my dreaded night class was exhausting. It had me out of the house the
entire day. By the time I got home, it was 10:30pm. An entire day sitting idle gave me busy legs, and
so I expelled as much energy as possible by roaming the house well into midnight.
Moby played in the background as I did a sketch. I redrew Bens face not because I was
obsessing about it, but because I hoped drawing it would rid me of thinking about him. After all, it
helped the first time around.

The second time would prove to be tricky. I added what I missed on my first sketch. It was
more detailed by the time I finished, and seeing it look as close to a black and white photograph of
him was a punch in the gut.
I was deciding whether to burn the sketch or give him devil horns when the sound of ringing
broke through my concentration. I startled and looked down at the vibrating phone, lighting up with
the words PRIVATE NUMBER CALLING on the screen.
My heart instantly accelerated.
It was him. I was sure of it.
I quickly pressed answer on the screen and brought the phone to my ear.
Hello, I said, holding my breath.
Hi Claire, its me.
I spun around the room excitedly, nearly tripping over my feet.
He did it! He called!
Hi, I timidly said after I decided that not moving was safer for me right now.
Hi, he repeated with amusement. How are you?
Good.
Yeah?
Good, yeah. And you?
Good.
Good.
He chuckled. So were both very good, then.
I chewed my lower lip. Now we are. Yeah.
Im sorry for calling so late
Thats alright, I interrupted. I dont go to bed until late.
Yes, well, Ive just finished up some work and Im finally free.
Just finished up work? At midnight on a Wednesday?
Is work what kept you away? I found myself asking, feeling that excitement ebb away a little
when I remembered why Id been upset.
What do you mean?
Its been four days and no word from you.
Did you expect me to reach out sooner?

I shrugged even though he couldnt see it. I would have thought, you know, that youd strike
while the wood is hot.
Iron.
What?
He chuckled again. Strike while the iron is hot, is the correct saying.
Right. I smacked my forehead. Fucking idiot, Claire. Well, you get what I mean.
Yes, I think I do. He exhaled heavily. I wanted to give you some space.
But giving me space for that long after what we did, you didnt worry Id lose interest?
Lose interest? He paused. Have you?
Well, no, but
But what?
I thought about it for a moment. Why was I pissed off again? Because he took four days to call
me? Shit, that seemed bunny boiler kind of crazy, right? Oh, shit. Maybe I shouldnt have acted like a
drama queen and jumped to conclusions. He kept to his promise and contacted me, after all.
So why have you called? I asked, hoping hed abandon the topic. I didnt want to tell him
Id been going crazy, or debating whether to draw devil horns on his head just seconds before he
called. That shit was padded-room type of psycho.
Ive been thinking about you, he answered softly. I want to see you again.
I rubbed my chest, feeling that thread pull tight around my heart again. I want to see you too.
How about dinner tomorrow? Unless you have plans or thats too short notice.
No, I have no plans, Ben, I told him honestly. I was not going to be playing hard to get to a
man I wanted beyond words. You were the first person outside of Emily that I spent time with for
many months.
Yeah? Well, you too, beauty. So forgive me if I fucked it up by not reaching out sooner. Im
not used to chasing a woman, and Im a little rusty.
I smiled and my heart swelled. You dont need to chase me. Im not running.
Good, he whispered. Thats very good.
Tell me when youd like to pick me up and Ill be ready for you.
Six oclock. Ill have someone pick you up, and Ill meet you in the city.
Uh, what? He wasnt going to pick me up himself? Okay, I said anyway.
Alright. So how was your day?
Long. I was at Uni all day. Night class and all.

What time did you get home?

10:30.
Do you drive? I saw a car in the driveway when I was there, but you hadnt driven it that
night.
Thats my mothers car. Might end up being mine if she decided to live in Melbourne.
So how do you get home?
I take the bus home.
Really, on your own? His voice went hard, and I detected the concern in it.
Its not unsafe or anything.
But youre beautiful, and youre riding buses at ten at night, alone.
Im not beautiful, I retorted. Not anymore. I dont get hassled or anything. Believe me, its
safe, and I only walk a block home when I get off.
Please dont be like those overprotective men! Please, please, please!
Alright, he eventually said, though he sounded entirely unconvinced. As long as youre
careful, and you dont talk to strangers.
I let out a laugh. Thats how I met you.
Yeah, but you kissed me. That makes me different.
I blushed. True.
In a curious, hushed tone, he then asked, Have you ever kissed someone in similar
circumstances before?
No.
So why did you kiss me?
We had this talk before.
Im not satisfied with the answer.
I laughed. Im sorry, but thats the only answer youre going to get. Unless you find a way to
convince me otherwise.
He inhaled sharply. Are you flirting with me?
I twirled my hair around my finger, grinning so wide my cheeks ached. Maybe.
Hmm. I heard slight movement on his end before he said, Have you thought about our time
together?
Um, every single second of every single day. Yes.
Tell me exactly what you were thinking.

Images of the way he took me whipped through my mind. I shut my eyes and my body
shivered. I was thinking that Id like a repeat to refresh my memories.
It wasnt memorable enough for you?
I resisted laughing again. Maybe it needs to happen frequently enough for me to remember
it.
Is that right?
Yeah.
I think that can be arranged.
I rested my back against the wall beside my doorway and struggled with everything inside of
me not to jump up and down like a kid at an amusement park. The happiness was all consuming.
So what are you thinking right now? he huskily asked, in that deep, hypnotising fuck me
voice.
Im thinking I want you here now! I want you to fuck me! Hard and slow like you did
before. Make me come twice and leave me breathless and begging for more of you. That you need
to stop talking to me because I have a date tomorrow, and Id hate to be bad company because Im
tired.
He was quiet for a few seconds before chuckling. Right. Im sure thats what was on your
mind.
Cant prove otherwise.
Well see. Ill leave you to it, then, beauty. Would hate to have a tired woman on her hands
and knees tomorrow.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
My breath escaped my lungs. I felt short-winded.
By the way, he said after I hadnt answered, youre a blind idiot if you think youre not
beautiful. Youre exquisite. A work of art. And I cant wait to look into those green eyes tomorrow
and tell you that.
Wow.
Good night, Claire.
Good night, I replied weakly.
He hung up and I stood still for an eternity and two seconds. Then I slapped my face.
Nope, I wasnt dreaming.
Dazed, I threw myself back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
You are so fucked, I whispered to myself. And youre probably going to end up hurt. No

one can be this happy forever.

Yeah, but I was going to enjoy every minute of it.

Chapter Ten
Dont be alarmed
After class early morning, Emily and I went to Harbour Town to peruse for some good deals on
clothes. I tried on about ten million outfits, remembering the rush that came with looking good in
something. Itd been a damn long time since I felt this alive being out with Emily.
I bought a tight, grey sweater dress and black waist belt to wear for tonight. It was modest but
sexy, and seemed perfect for a dinner date in the city. Emily was clubbing again, so she stalked the
shoe stores before buying three pairs of five inch heels. I wasnt sure where she was going to store
them back at her house.
You better not throw them in my guest bedroom, I warned her.
Its practically my bedroom now, so what do you care? she replied flippantly.
You might as well just move in then.
She gasped, stopping in the middle of the shoe aisle to look at me with those blue doe-eyes.
For real?
Mom might be moving to Melbourne, and I cant be in that house alone. Frankenstein needs a
minion, right?
She frowned at me. Dont call yourself that, and why does Mama Landon want to move
away?
Kevin.
Well, he can get his ass over here then! Shes the one with the family.
He bought a house over there.
Is she going to sell yours?
No way.
Mom bought our house outright. It had brought her joy after years of heart ache. She would
never let it go, even if she moved to another state.
So, I continued, if you want to move in, youre more than welcome to. I know how
stressful your place can be.
Just like me, Emily didnt have a great upbringing. Her mother worked full time while her
father was a bit of a deadbeat drunk that didnt give two shits for either of them. She avoided her
house like the plague if it meant escaping him. I often wondered if she wasnt telling me something
when it came to her family life. It was a door she didnt leave open wide enough for me to walk
through.
She said shed think about it, and I knew she wanted to, but something was stopping her. I
wished shed involve me a little more.

I was waiting for her outside the female restroom, flipping through my phone and reaching
out to a few friends when I felt a shiver run down my spine. I looked up from my phone and met the
eyes of a middle-aged man in a cheap suit, standing a few feet away from me.
He was facing me, and his gaze was locked to mine without hesitation. I felt rooted in my
spot, ignoring the thoughts inside my head telling me to run away and scream. I found I couldnt. He
continued to look at me with curiosity, and when a woman left the restroom, I stirred out of this
bizarre trance.
Do you need anything? I snapped, irritably.
The man just smirked at me and shook his head. No, his gruff voice responded, not yet.
He turned away from me and ambled off before rounding the corner and disappearing from
view.
What. The. Fuck.
If that wasnt disturbing and creepy, I didnt know what was. Alarm bells were ringing their
tits off in my head, and I just nodded at them, totally immune to the feeling of worry when itd been an
emotion that was my constant in life these days.
I tried to brush the odd mans words from out of my head, but they plagued me for hours to
come. Was he just a creep that enjoyed scaring young women? It was rational to think so because Id
never seen him before. But it was something I couldnt be certain about.
Emily and I did a bit more shopping before stopping by McDonalds for a feed. Two Happy
Meals later and we were on our way home. All the while I kept an eye out, taking in my surroundings
wherever I went.
You just never knew what some people were capable of.
*****
I stared at myself in front of the oval mirror on my dresser. Id spent the entire afternoon getting ready
for my date with Ben. I tried to stand tall and confident, but I spotted my lie from a mile away.
I liked the way the dress looked on me. I liked how long and straight my brown hair was. I
liked that my green eyes popped out the way they used to when I spent the hour that I did on make-up.
And I liked how tall I felt in my three inch heels because it made my legs look like they went on for
miles.
But what I didnt and couldnt like were the scars. The way they distorted my left cheek,
making them jut out so obviously under the light. The make-up concealed their pinkness, but it
couldnt conceal their shape. Every time I felt good, I just had to look at myself in the mirror and it all
had to come crashing down again.
But Emily was right. Some people had it so much worse, yet I couldnt seem to channel that
into my emotions. Was it really my fault for hating them? How does one even come to embrace such
obvious imperfections? Ones that spoke of some horrid event in your life. It was like your life story
was hanging out for the world to see. They just had to look at you and know, Well, shit, something

bad happened to that poor, poor girl. Just look at her face. She might have been beautiful once.
I shut my eyes and breathed in and out. I didnt want to pity myself, not when I had been so
excited all day. So I thought about Ben and the way he looked at me. He had never given me that
pitying look I was used to seeing. He just looked at well, me.
Maybe I am beautiful, I whispered to myself. Maybe if I learn to see what he does, Ill
feel okay.
The door knocked just then, and I glanced at the time. 6pm on the dot.
I grabbed my purse and hurried to the front door.
Im here for Claire Landon, said a man once I opened it.
I looked past him and at the driveway where a taxi was running beside Moms car.
Thats me, I told him uncertainly. Who called you out here?
Mr Costigan did, Miss.
And where are you taking me?
Northbridge. To an Italian restaurant.
Okay.
He went back to his taxi and I followed taking small steps. I wondered why on earth Ben
was sending a taxi out to my place instead of just picking me up. It baffled me.
Nonetheless, I climbed into the taxi and he took me into Perth city. It was dark by the time
we were on the roads of Northbridge, and the smell of rain was in the air. Large clouds blanketed the
sky, hiding the moon.
He stopped the car in front of a very reputable restaurant. This is it, he said.
Am I meant to pay you? I asked him wearily.
Already been paid, he answered.
Oh, thank God. I didnt bring a lot of cash on me.
I stepped out and waited in front of the restaurant. The street was backed up with traffic and
the sidewalks crowded with people ready to have fun on a Friday night. Northbridge was a mixture of
party goers and diners. Restaurants, bars, and clubs brought in a wide variety of people, including
troublemakers. You didnt want to be alone here at night after the rush died down. I heard too many
bad stories not to watch out, even in my most rebellious days.
You look stunning, said a deep voice in my ear.
I whipped around and met dizzying grey eyes that could only belong to one man. And that
man looked delectable in a grey, pinstriped suit.
So do you, I replied, smiling.

I wasnt sure what to do. Hug him? Shake hands? Do nothing? Standing out here in front of a
classy restaurant with him looking all money the way he did, I felt a little out of my depth.
Ben, on the other hand, was striking and calm. His demeanour spoke of his comfort, but his
eyes gave away his thoughts. He was looking at me like there was no place hed rather be, and fuck if
that didnt steal my breath away.
As if answering my thoughts or perhaps he could read it all over me like I was some book
he could flip the pages through he dipped his head and kissed me softly. I melted straight into him,
closing my eyes to feel the light sensation of his soft lips. His hand touched my cheek as he prolonged
the kiss, moving his tongue intimately between my lips.
When he finally pulled away, I was breathing heavily. My skin was prickly all over, and my
core a heated mess that wanted Bens hard touch more than anything.
I like it when youre relaxed, he told me. It happens when youve let go and stopped
thinking. You ask yourself too many questions. So lets forget all that rubbish thats going on in there
he pointed to my head and focus more on what this wants. He rested a hand over my heart.
Sound good, beauty?
I nodded. Yes, it does.
Good.
He took my hand into his own and steered me into the restaurant, moving to the front of the
line where the hostess was. I looked back at the line-up where ten faces were fuming at us. I shrugged
as a weak apology for why Ben had cut the line.
But the hostess didnt look bothered at all. Instead, her eyes brightened and she exclaimed,
Mr Costigan! So good to have you here tonight. Let me take you to your table.
We can take ourselves, Ben replied. Its the usual, right?
Yes, certainly!
Send someone to see us soon.
Absolutely. You have a good dinner, Mr Costigan.
Thank you, Shelley.
I wasnt sure if her bright hazel eyes could sparkle any more than they just did when he said
her name. She blushed, eyeing him up and down like she was ready to blow her ovaries up just to
have him. Not once did she acknowledge my existence, but I was sure it wasnt intentional she
simply had eyes for Ben and no other.
Ben took us up a staircase to the second level where the noise fell away. The setting was
classier than the first level. Tables were distanced from each other, giving it more of an intimate
touch. We settled around a table adjacent to a large window overlooking the crowded streets below.
Like the hostess had promised, a waitress saw us not a minute later, handing us each a menu
before she filled our glasses with water. She wasted no time trying to please him too.

Whats with all this recognition? I asked him after the dazed waitress left.
I know the owner, he answered with a vague shrug. Nothing special about it, believe
me.
If I knew being friends with owners got me into places, Id have jumped straight on that.
He smirked. Not friends, Claire. I just know him.
Righto. I looked through the menu briefly and felt a headache come on when I spotted the
prices. Bloody hell, one course was equivalent to a mortgage payment.
See anything you like? he asked.
The Calamari dish looks good, I answered because it was the only damn thing I knew on
here.
He waved the waitress over and we ordered our meals. Any drinks? asked the waitress
when we had the appetisers and main courses down.
Ben looked to me. Anything?
Just water, I told the waitress.
Same, said Ben.
You dont have to avoid alcohol just because of me, I told him when she took off again.
What kind of gentleman would I be if I drank and you didnt?
The normal kind?
He chuckled, and, god, how I loved the sound of it. Maybe Im not normal.
No, youre definitely not. But I admit, Im sort of curious to know what youd be like if you
were drunk.
The look on his face was difficult to read. I dont get drunk, Claire.
Why not?
I like being in control.
I nodded, completely understanding. Me too. More than youll ever know.
To my surprise, the food arrived in no time. The waitress lingered around, making small chat
with Ben and letting him know if he needed anything anything at all that she would be there. It
was hilarious.
The food was absolutely divine. The best Id ever had, and it sure beat the happy meal from
this afternoon. But I was weary of how much to eat, knowing well that it most likely would be
meeting the toilet bowl in the morning.
How long have you lived here? Ben asked me.
Over ten years, I answered.

Quite a while. What made your mother decide to come here after leaving Michigan?
My moms Australian. She met my father when she went to the states on a work visa. She
worked as a nurse there, and he lived at the apartment complex she did. They got married only a few
months after dating, and when she had me, we moved around a lot. My father didnt want to be in one
spot too long. So when I said Michigan to you before, I meant really that I was born there.
Where did you grow up then?
Everywhere. They travelled a lot, and when Mom wanted some stability, much to my fathers
resistance, they settled in Ohio. I dont remember much about actually living there. I was too
concerned with my parents relationship.
He cocked his head to the side and looked at me curiously. Why is that?
It was very strained near the end. I only remember bits and pieces. I paused, trying to sift
through the memories of my adolescent years. I remember the police coming to the door and
arresting him. He ended up being some crook, and it devastated Mom when he was laid with heavy
charges of fraud. Faked his name and everything, even to her. Thats why he didnt like being in one
spot too long. He was on the run.
Fuck.
Yeah. It was a very hard time for her. My father got put away. Hes still rotting in prison.
Armed robbery and assault those kinds of charges. I dont really know the details. She doesnt talk
about it, and I dont care anymore to ask.
Why dont you care?
I shrugged and stared down at my plate. I didnt have fond memories of my father. He wasnt
a very affectionate man, and I remember him being aggressive to Mom on a few occasions. I dont
think I ever respected him, or regarded him as someone I loved. It was always Mom and me, you
know?
Ben nodded. So what happened after?
We were there for another two years. Then when I turned ten, my grandmother passed away.
We came here for the funeral and to go over the will. My grandmother left her a lot of money, and
Mom decided it was best to stay here and start fresh. She bought the house were living in outright,
and the rest went to me. Its to see me through school so I dont have to work while studying at the
same time.
Thats an incredible gift from your grandmother to you.
I chuckled and shook my head. My grandmother was a cow. Shed abuse me over the phone
when I was kid. Called me a tool when I took too long to give the phone to Mom. No, it was Mom that
decided to tuck away the rest for me.
Ben laughed lightly. Right. Thats some story.
Its only interesting when youre reflecting back on it. It certainly wasnt living it.

No, it wouldnt be. He paused and locked his eyes with mine. You ever curious about
seeing your father again?
No, I said firmly. He really hurt my mother. It only took the last few years to finally move
on to someone else. She lost her trust in people and it really messed her up. She had to start over
again. Theres no way I want to see a man I cant trust.
He reflected on that. Yeah, he said quietly. Trust is very hard to come by.
Well, enough about me. Tell me why your family decided to come here.
They wanted a new place to open up some businesses.
Like the furniture one?
No, thats mine, he said before swiftly changing the subject. Now are you an only child?
Smooth, Ben. Real smooth.
Yes, I answered. Are you?
I have a younger brother.
Is he as hot as you? Is he in the same line of work as you?
No. My brothers He stopped talking for a moment as a fleeting look of irritation crossed
him. Hes not very stable.
Was his brother mentally unstable? Or was it drugs? Maybe alcohol? Or did he mean violent?
I wanted to know what was wrong with him that had Ben momentarily look so unforgiving. I wanted
to dig into the layers of this mercurial man and see what remained. His answers were too vague for
my liking.
What about your parents? I then asked.
What about them? he replied, looking away from me.
Are they here?
No well, I mean, they were here. But they died a long while ago.
Im sorry for your loss. It seemed like such a recycled line to use, but I was short of
knowing what else to say. I didnt know the boundaries when it came to this. Was it alright to ask him
how they died?
Reading me so well, he shot me a weary look. Too much thinking, beauty. Car accident.
Thats how they went.
Oh. Thats rough.
He nodded, saying nothing more.
Is that why your brothers unstable?
He was taken aback by the question, but he looked equally impressed. His brows came

together. Partly, actually.

I guess we all have ways of acting out, I remarked.
I agree. Different people cope in different ways.
Oh, how true that was!
Thankfully we moved on from that sore topic, and talked about other things. He told me his
hobbies, one that included being a pilot, and when I laughed at that, he demanded to know why.
Well, because youre wealthy, I explained.
How do you know Im wealthy?
Its sort of obvious.
He smiled. Okay, so why does that warrant a laugh?
Because I always read about rich characters owning their own jet and flying helicopters on
the helipad sitting on their roof.
He laughed with me. Actually, Im going to really disappoint you right now.
Why?
Because I fly those Ultralight planes instead. The one seaters, and sometimes two if some
unfortunate soul is daring enough to ride with me. Nowhere near the sphere of flying a bloody
helicopter or jet.
Oh, my God, I adored him. He was fucking perfect. My heart gone. Just gone. I wanted to
just tear it out of my bleeding chest and give it to him and say, Keep it! Its all yours, man.
That is actually very disappointing, I remarked, feigning that disappointment.
Sorry, little lady.
Its alright, I guess. Not everyones perfect.
I can think of someone, he muttered, obviously referring to me.
I blushed and rolled my eyes. Smooth, Ben.
I know. I saw the opportunity and I took it.
Nicely done.
Ive got more cheap lines in store for later.
I laughed again. God, I was going to get abs by tomorrow at this rate.
The dinner went by perfectly. There was never a quiet moment. Never any awkward pauses.
We hit it off, and I was floating like a cloud with happiness.
It was while we were finishing up our meals when a deep voice sounded out.
Costigan!

I watched a familiar looking man approach our table. Middle-aged in a black suit and greying
hair slicked back. He smiled broadly at Ben and extended his hand while I stared hard at his face,
wondering where the hell Id seen him before.
Ben took it in a hard grip and a sudden frown on his face. Macht, he snipped back.
Macht?
Oh, shit.
John Macht.
All that happiness from before burst. My mouth parted in shock as I continued gazing at the
rich man that had just walked away scot-free from murdering his wife. And he was talking to my man
er, my dinner date, that is.
If Mom knew about this
So nice to see you eating at my place, and what a pleasure it is bumping into you too. Ive
been trying to get into contact with you recently, but havent had any luck.
Well, you should probably keep trying, Ben retorted icily. At the moment, Im
unavailable.
But I have a proposition I think youd be interested in
Not now
You will benefit from it greatly
When I tell you Im unavailable, John, Ben cut in harshly, that means you stop talking and
move on. When Im engaged in personal matters, I dont care if youre the fucking pope, you move
on.
The silence that followed was brutally thick, but not in the way I thought it would be. John
Macht looked genuinely frightened, and I couldnt blame him. Id never seen Ben act so intimidating
before, and it made my body acutely aware of the underlying danger that was working beneath the
surface here. Like a flip of a switch, he went from being a flame to an icicle.
I clasped my hands together, unable to look away from both Macht and Ben as they faced off.
I apologize, Costigan, Macht then said with a hesitant step back. I meant absolutely no
disrespect. I will make up for my rudeness. I promise. Good night.
Without waiting for a response, Macht took off in haste, leaving us alone.
Leaving me to wonder why a man that got away with murder was terrified of the man I was
having dinner with.

Chapter Eleven
In a car
Youre asking yourself too many questions again.
I shook the thoughts away and looked at Ben. He was back to being his soft self, no longer
clouded in darkness that had made my bones rigid.
Tell me whats wrong, he told me.
He owns the restaurant, I stated.
Yes.
Thats who you know.
He was quick to understand what I was getting at. Like I said, he isnt my friend.
But you know him. A murderer.
He looked around us, making sure we were out of earshot. Im not involved with him in any
way, Claire.
He said he needed to discuss a proposition to you
I worked with him a little before, he interrupted in a low voice, but when the charges
came to light, I, along with others, cut him out.
My eyes narrowed. Why would a rich businessman want to work with a furniture store
owner? If only I could look inside that mind and get the answers I needed. It wasnt fair my feelings
were easily discernible to him and not the other way around. He could be so damn reserved. The only
giveaway to his soul were his eyes, but even then he closed himself off in difficult situations.
Like now.
You dont really own a furniture business, do you?
I do, he replied. I can take you there if you dont believe me.
But thats not all you do, is it?
He exhaled. Its the only business I own.
I shook my head in disbelief. If you think Im going to sit back in ignorance and play stupid,
then we might as well end this right now.
With a fleeting look of irritation, his jaw clenched and his hand closed into a tight fist. He
gritted out, Parts of my life will remain private, Claire. Thats just how it is.
I leaned over the table and shot him a seething glare. So what makes you think I want to
stick around?

Dont play stupid. You knew exactly what it is you were getting yourself into when you
came here tonight. The thought was already there.
Yeah, I agreed on a nod. And now Im wondering why Im sitting here.
He ran his tongue along his bottom lip before he leaned forward and said, Because you love
the way I make you feel. Because when Im with you, you see how genuine I am. You see the way you
make me feel. Im entranced by you, and Im not used to having someone hold that sort of power over
me.
His hand took mine firmly, in a way that seemed almost possessive. Im not a bad man. I
dont have blood on my hands. There are questionable parts of me, sure, but I wont be compared to a
sick man that murdered his wife and got away with it because his team of lawyers played by the
books to his advantage.
His eyes darkened as he searched my face. Dont think of me like that just because I yield
some power in a way Id rather you be oblivious of. Because that part of me will end. It will be in the
past. Especially when Im feeling the way I do when Im around you. And I really like being around
you. For once, I feel normal. But I could never be with a woman that is frightened of me in any way.
He then squeezed my hand and said with passionate conviction, I will never, ever harm you.
Or deceive you. Or betray you. For as long as youre with me be it a day, a week, or even a year I
will never treat you less than you deserve to be treated. And Im a man of my word.
My chest swelled from his words. He melted the ice away just by opening that beautiful
mouth. God, he was persuasive. Whatever fear Id felt before instantly fell away, and I didnt want to
rationalize whether that was crazy of me, or stupid. It just was.
I squeezed his hand back, and the simple gesture eased him.
No more thinking, I said to him. Youre right.
He lifted it to his mouth and laid a kiss over my knuckles, and I could do nothing but watch in
happy silence. My body warmed to him. I felt like a lizard seeking heat from the sun, but in this case it
was the want in his eyes when they landed on me.
I bloomed for him.
It was while he gestured for the cheque that I noticed the clouds had finally burst. Rain
trickled down the window in dozens of streaks, blending into one another. They reminded me of paths
crossing, the way mine crossed his in one moment in time.
Come home with me, he then said with anticipation.
I turned to him and my lips curved up. You think Id get this dolled up if it didnt mean
getting fucked by the end of the night?
He stared, amazed by my vulgarity, before he broke out into a laugh. Oh, beauty, you
certainly have loosened up.
Yeah, because fuck you, shyness. I succumbed to your embrace for far too long, and I was

ready to break free.

*****
I squealed as the rain pounded down on me. I leaped back under the restaurant cover and shook my
head defiantly at Ben.
Were catching a taxi, he told me.
Then go get the taxi. Im not going to get soaked finding one in this weather. Youre going to
have to call for one.
He smiled. Therell be one waiting for us down the street. The same one that took you here.
I wanted him around, waiting for us.
Are you serious? How much did you pay the guy?
A very generous amount. So, come on.
I shook my head again and pouted. Fuck no. Be a gentleman and get it.
He stood there, getting soaked by the rain, dazzling me with that amused smile. Fuck, he was
gorgeous when he was dressed and wet. But being around an attractive man didnt mean I was going
to jump when he told me to. Getting wet was not on my agenda tonight.
Alright, he said after a moment. At least kiss me goodbye before I go.
That can be done.
He stepped forward and took my face into his hand. He kissed me, wrapping his other arm
tightly around my waist.
Claire, he then muttered, since were getting to know each other and all, I think its due
time I tell you I usually get my way.
How do you mean? I asked, rubbing my nose against his.
It took less than a second before he picked me up around the waist and waded into the rain. I
screamed and twisted my body around, but he simply laughed in return.
Youre an asshole, I cursed. Do you know how long it took me to straighten my hair? Im
going to look like a caveman after this. Im so angry. No, I wasnt. I was getting drenched in cold
rain, but Id never felt more gleeful in my life.
While everyone around us ran for cover, Ben turned into a dark alleyway and put me down. I
felt my back hit the brick wall and his mouth instantly covered mine. His arms wrapped around me,
swallowing me whole with his giant frame that shielded most of my body from the rain.
I groaned at the close contact, wrapping my arms around his neck. His mouth worked mine
passionately as he gripped my hips with both hands.
I wanted to see you in the rain, he panted against me, licking the drops along my jawline.
And taste it on your skin. I want to know what turns you on, and what makes you want to fly off the

edge. I want to know your sexual weaknesses so I can open them up and torture you with them.
Oh, Ben. How could he not know? My sexual weakness was him.
I closed my eyes as his hands began exploring my body. I shivered when he brought his hand
beneath my dress and to the sensitive skin between my thighs. The same hand went back down and
slowly roamed my upper body.
He pinched my nipple through the fabric of my dress and huskily said, I want to know what
you havent done before and give them to you. And make the experience right.
He licked along my upper lip as he stared into my eyes with that breathless hunger I was
quickly disarmed by. Then he took me by the hand and we took off down the sidewalk. Like he said,
the taxi was parked at the end of the street, and the driver was cursing people away as they
approached for rides.
When he saw us, he unlocked the doors and we slid into the backseat. I ran both hands
through my drenched hair and pressed against Bens side, seeking warmth. He wrapped his arms
around me, bringing me into his lap, and said to the driver, Home.
My body was buzzing, my breaths were short and fast, and Bens scent intoxicated me. I
pressed my face into his neck and couldnt resist kissing him lightly, uncaring of the driver or my
impropriety. He held me tight, but his hand pulled my dress down as though to keep me modest.
I was so aroused by the kiss in the alleyway, I mindlessly licked along his jawline before
pressing my lips against his ear.
In a car, I whispered to him.
I waited for him to understand what I meant. I moved back to look at him. Slowly realization
dawned on his face and his breaths slowed.
Youve never done it in a car, he whispered to me.
I shook my head, smiling coyly.
His eyes lapped my body a few times before he opened his mouth and said, Pull over
someplace quiet and grab something to eat, Juan.
The taxi driver Juan, I guessed pulled over in a nearly empty parking lot and did exactly
as he was told. Jeesh, the guy must have been paid well to follow these kind of bizarre instructions.
He turned the engine off and stepped out in the rain. He left us alone in the darkness, with nothing but
the sound of our breaths and the pounding of rain on the roof of the car.
Ben kissed me softly as he moved me off of him. He settled my back against the passenger
door and hiked my dress up.
You really havent done it in a car? he asked me with this strange desperation in his voice.
No, I answered.
His deft hands slid up my legs, slowly feeling every inch of my skin on their ascent. He

pulled away from me, and I could only just see his face in the darkness as he stared hard at me,
searching for some kind of answer I wasnt sure I was giving.
He spread my legs, trapping one against the passenger door.
What do you want? he said inaudibly.
For you to touch me, I told him. I shook before him, that need of mine so high I could hardly
contain it.
He grazed his fingers along my inner thigh and slowly circled around my core, bordering it,
but never touching it. I moaned in frustration.
Touch me there, I told him.
Whats there? he asked, a wicked smile forming.
I felt vulnerable with one leg pressed against the door, wide open for him. He was so calm
and in control, and I was pretty certain I was the culprit steaming up the windows with my raggedy
breaths.
You know where, I said to him.
No, I think you need to be specific. What do you want me to touch?
My cheeks flushed as I whispered, My pussy.
He must have felt victorious. The smile on his face screamed it, and I might have been
bothered by his ego in a different situation, but I was too horny to mind.
Bens fingers grazed me where I needed him the most, and though the sensation was brief and
light as a feather, it was enough to stroke my need. I moaned and shut my eyes, wishing hed do it
again.
What do you want? he asked me intensely.
I want you to make me feel good, I breathlessly answered.
He let go of my leg, but I kept it in place. I didnt know how it was possible given the cold
temperature, but he was so warm against my freezing flesh, and the contrast was mind blowing. His
finger edged around my entrance where he rubbed my wetness through my folds and around my clit,
giving me more unimaginably good strokes. Then he eased his finger inside of me, and my head
dropped back, hitting the window as I faced the ceiling of the car.
He moved in and out, his thumb working over my clit every time he retreated. He pushed in as
far as his finger would take him and then skimmed my walls as he edged back out again, making me
quiver and moan brazenly. I didnt care how loud I was. I was so caught up in his movements, in the
way he was making me feel all I could do was feel.
He pulled out of me entirely. Open your mouth, he ordered.
I parted my lips and he pushed his finger right in. Now suck, he said in a harder voice.
Suck every lost drop.

Holy fuck.
I closed my mouth around his finger and sucked on it. At the same time, I heard him shuffle
around in his seat, but I was too caught up to bother opening my eyes. I felt heat nearing my core
again, and when the feeling of wetness brushed my folds, I jumped in my seat and opened my eyes.
His upper body was folded over, his head in between my legs, his mouth lapping at my folds
with that experienced tongue that seemed to hit all the right spots. His hand dropped from my face and
he used it to keep me still. I wormed my fingers into his hair, tugging on it harshly as he continued to
taste me.
Oh, my God, I moaned, sagging further back against the door, uncaring about the discomfort.
Please, dont stop.
I grinded myself against his mouth, shaking in delight as he sucked and teased. Fuck, fuck,
fuck.
Please, I continued, unable to stop the words from tumbling out. Dont stop.
But he did!
Un-fucking-believable!
What? Why? I was lost for words.
He settled back into the seat beside me and worked on unbuckling his belt. Because youre
going to come with me, he said. Now come here.
I moved to him and he gripped me around the waist and helped me climb into his lap, legs
parted on either side of him. He balled my wet hair and into his fist and brought me down to his
mouth, kissing me as he pulled my dress up until it was sitting around my waist.
He pushed my panties aside and rubbed the head of his cock against me. His hands gripped my
hips and he squeezed them tightly and lowered me over him. My walls immediately hugged all of his
thickness. I took him as far inside of me I could and we stilled when he reached the end of me.
We didnt move for a long moment. I looked down at him, into his beautiful grey eyes. I was
seeking a connection. I didnt want to bounce my way into physical release. I needed to connect with
him, the way I did the first time he took me. That had been the greatest release of all, seeing the
ecstasy in his eyes, watching him lose himself in me.
He was still drenched from the rain. He should have been cold. He should have been
uncomfortable to be flushed up against. But he was perfect. Everything about this moment was
perfect.
Are you aware of how beautiful you are to me? he whispered.
My heart accelerated. Im starting to get the gist.
His hand roamed me quickly, squeezing a breast before trailing his fingers along my collar
bone. Everything about you feels right.

My throat was too thick for words, so I dipped my head and kissed him.
Use me, he urged. Think of yourself first, and just use me.
I gripped him tightly and began to move. We groaned together, moulding into one. Wave after
wave of euphoria. Thrust after thrust of taking him in as deep as he could go. Our breaths were
frantic. Our chests moved rapidly. And I kissed him with all that I had in me.
Take all of me, my body said. Im all yours.
I grabbed fistfuls of his hair and angled his head up to me as I moved faster. His hands dug
into my hips painfully, meeting me thrust for thrust.
Fuck, he growled, hungrily moving at a pace I couldnt keep up with. Fucking perfect,
Claire. You feel fuck, you feel good.
He gripped my hair as hard as I gripped his and lowered his mouth against my throat. He
licked my skin ravenously, sucking and biting enough for me to hiss and flinch. I knew he liked it
rough. The more he teetered to the edge, the more riled up he got, and it was the hottest thing Id ever
felt. It made me lose myself with him.
Oh, God, I breathed. Im so close.
I love the fucking sounds you make while youre riding my cock, he ground out. Dont stop,
beauty. Keep fucking me.
He slammed harder into me, and the lost vulnerable look on his face when he was in pleasure
tipped me over the edge. I gasped and stilled, clutching him to me with every ounce of my strength.
He continued to pound into me, wrapping me in his arms, until I was crushed against him. My bones
ached, my breath was knocked right out of my lungs as he hammered into me and finally let himself
go, letting out what sounded like a groan and growl all at once.
I went limp, and he continued to embrace me, much more delicately this time. He stroked my
hair as the side of my head pressed against his chest, listening to his speedy heartbeats. I felt drowsy,
and I didnt want to move. I didnt think Id ever want to move.
You, he whispered in between each pant, are positively addictive.
Likewise, I whispered back.
No. No, youre mind blowing. So fucking exquisite to look at while you rode me. You
wanted your pleasure and you took it from me, and it was beyond hot watching your face get there.
Fuck.
My chest squeezed. It was one thing having sex with someone. It was another recapping it
with them.
We caught out breaths, letting time pass by slowly as we enjoyed the feel of our bodies still
pressed against one another.
Need to get a little cleaned up before the driver comes back, he murmured into my ear
before kissing it.

Dazed, I lifted myself and he pulled out of me. I settled down next to him, and he quickly
zipped his pants up and fixed his belt. I ran a hand through my hair and pulled my dress down. I
adjusted my panties, cringing a little with both horror and pleasure when his cum slid out of me. It felt
oddly good to be marked, like I was carrying a piece of him inside of me. And well duh I kinda
was, but I meant it more on an emotional level.
God, how sappy was I?
You look shattered, he remarked playfully, looking like a sex god with his just-fucked look.
After that, can you blame me? I smiled.
No. Well get you home in my bed in no time, okay?
I paused and then shrugged. You can take me to my house, if you want. You dont have to put
up with me in your place just so I can sleep in your bed after what we just did.
He considered my words for a moment with a frown. Is it only about sex with you?
Well, no.
Do you think its just about sex for me, then?
I looked away from him and wiped away a piece of imaginary fluff on my dress. Um, I dont
know. Is it?
No, he said, a note of frustration in his tone. I thought I made that clear at the restaurant.
I gave him an apologetic look. Ben, its nothing to do with you. Im just not used to this,
okay?
Whats this, Claire?
You know, seeing someone. Ive never done this before, and all Im drawing on is past
experiences.
He took my hand and kissed it softly. I know a good thing when I see it. I see it in you. So
this is more than sex for me. Is that good enough reassurance for you, little lady?
I smiled heartily and nodded. Yes. Yes, it was indeed.
He smiled back. Good. Now lets go home.

Chapter Twelve
Youre beautiful
Ben was a contradiction. He dressed nicely, he took me to a really expensive restaurant, but he also
apparently didnt have a car, and his phone looked like a brick from a century ago.
Id been on the fence about how wealthy he was, up until the moment the taxi driver pulled up
in front of a luxury building just minutes from the city. In the elevator on the way up, I stared at my
reflection in the mirrored walls and winced at my bedraggled look. Rain and sex had not been kind to
me.
The hallway we stepped into had only two doors. We went to one and he unlocked it, kicking
it open and taking my hand to steer me in. The entrance foyer of his apartment was huge, backing onto
a modern lounge area.
I gaped in awe.
A penthouse. Ben owned an enormous penthouse. Well, shit. The man is loaded after all.
In the darkness, I caught the sight of large floor to ceiling windows in the lounge room. He led
me past a stone counter kitchen and up a staircase to the second level.
Not really much to see, he told me when he caught me looking around interestedly. I have a
guest bedroom up here and my office. Downstairs is basic. Right now lets just go to bed, and you can
go exploring in the morning.
He took me to the last door. It was the master bedroom, and it was definitely his given that his
smell lingered in the air. He left me standing by the bed as he opened his walk-in closet and sorted
through some clothes. I rubbed the goose bumps along my arms away, feeling the chill in the air while
I waited on him.
He stood before me moments later with a shirt in his hand. Strip, he told me.
Hed seen all of me a couple times already and yet I still felt nervous when I let the dress
drop to the floor.
And the bra. I could hear the smile in his voice.
I took that off too. He then fitted the opening of the t-shirt over my head and I put my arms
through the sleeves. I felt like a kid being dressed, but it also felt like an act of affection from him.
He threw his own clothes off as I moved onto the large king sized bed and pulled the covers
back. He crawled in after me and pressed himself against me, giving me all his body heat as he pulled
the covers over top of us. I was on my side, facing him, and while I was tired, I was incredibly aware
of my surroundings. This was going to take some adjusting to.
His hand trailed up and down my spine. He kissed me softly as that hand slid up and cupped
the bad side of my face to him.
So beautiful, he whispered to me.

You dont have to keep saying that, I whispered back.

Why? Am I boring you?
No.
Does it bother you that I find you so beautiful?
I shook my head. No, not really.
Not really? Explain. I want you to open up to me.
I sighed, looking down at his chin to avoid looking into his eyes. Im not what I once was.
Dont pretend its not there, and please dont feed me the bullshit of it doesnt look bad. It does, and I
know you can see it, and you see it every time I look at you. So dont keep telling me Im beautiful
as a way to boost my confidence, or whatever it is youre hoping to achieve.
He surprised me by chuckling, and I scowled at him. Whats so funny?
He shook his head. Bloody hell, Claire. Are you so self-conscious you think the world
revolves around your bloody scars? Of course theyre there. Of course I see them. Of course you look
different than you did when I met you on that train. But Id never feed you bullshit just to make you
happy. I say whats on my mind. I say whats in my heart. I dont lie, and I certainly dont pity you
and even if I did, I wouldnt have some kind of agenda to make you feel better about them. I know
whatever happened to you wasnt deserved, so Im not going to pester you to tell me either.
To say his words knocked me back a step was the biggest understatement of the century.
Maybe a part of me expected him to deny telling me I was beautiful to make me feel better, but I
certainly didnt word it in my head the way he just did.
Ben Costigan was blunt and brutally honest.
I loved that.
Well, I said, now that were talking about it, just so you know, I did deserve what
happened to me.
I went rigid when his thumb stroked the harsh lines. I find that incredibly unbelievable, he
replied solemnly. Whatever happened here would have been very painful, and I cant for a second
believe youd ever deserve that.
Maybe I attacked someone first and this was their retaliation.
No, Im positive that didnt happen.
You dont know that.
Yes, I do. You didnt deserve it.
Youre wrong.
Then tell me what happened so I can be the judge of that. He then quickly added, If youre
comfortable to, of course.

I wasnt uncomfortable talking about it. I often found a way to detach when I had to explain it
which hadnt been often. Most people looked like they were walking on eggshells around me, as if
asking me would somehow make me crumble into a million pieces.
But telling it to Ben was different. I was very hesitant.
It might change how you think of me, I warned him. And thats the only thing that makes me
uncomfortable.
He kissed me again. It wont. I promise.
You cant promise something you dont know about.
I can and I just did. Im a man of my word, remember?
This time I did look into his eyes. I searched them, and all I saw staring back at me was his
genuine honesty.
Okay, Claire. Just tell him. Dont ramble on either. Cut to the chase. The sooner its out,
the faster you can put it behind you.
I wont say I was drunk and stupid, I started quietly, because that would be a cowards
explanation. Truth is I knew exactly what I was doing. I seduced a taken man at a bar, feet away from
his girlfriend. He was very attractive, and I was very shallow. It didnt bother me that he was taken
because I felt like his girlfriend was inferior to me, and that he deserved the best.
I paused for a moment, expecting some kind of reaction from Ben. But he just stared at me,
patiently waiting.
I continued. When she was preoccupied with her friends, I slipped a note into his pocket,
telling him to meet me in the alleyway. I waited not even a minute before he showed up. There was
something exciting about trying not to get caught. Like he was so desperate, he was risking it all just
to have me. It was nave thinking at the time, but it made me feel alive. He took me against the wall,
and I remember feeling his warmth against me. Wed only made out before the world started spinning
and the sounds of screams broke through the haze.
I knew immediately that wed been caught, and I felt this horrible ache in my chest. Id really
thought we wouldnt, and the reality was unlike anything Id ever expected it to be. The man didnt
defend me, and it wasnt like I expected it or anything, but I certainly didnt think shed put the entire
blame on to me. He was pulled aside, forgotten, like a kid that would get scolded as an afterthought
when all was said and done. Meanwhile, her and her friends turned to me, and I knew what was
coming. They were going to beat on me. I took off running and barely made it out of the alleyway
before my hair was yanked back. I fell to the ground and before anything started to make sense, this
enormous sudden pain crashed into the side of my face. My whole head felt like itd exploded, and I
couldnt hear or feel anything. I fell back, and they continued beating me. I passed out somewhere
along the way.
I dont know how long I stayed like that, but my thoughts returned to me before I even opened
my eyes. I remembered everything as I started to stir awake. And when I remembered the pain, I
instantly stopped moving. I was paralysed to the ground, scared that if theyd see me move, theyd

continue hurting me. I was panicked. My stomach churned and my skin broke out in cold sweat. The
pain on the side of my face felt like it had its own pulse, and it was going a million miles an hour.
It was only so long before my body couldnt handle it anymore. I turned to my side and threw
up, and when I opened my eyes, I realized I wasnt in the alleyway. I was in a hospital. They told me
Id been glassed in the face. The girl and her friends did a lot of damage. Thirty stitches to the face,
two broken ribs, a concussion, and a body full of scrapes and bruises.
So much for short and to the point.
So there you go, I said lamely, finishing off my epic monologue. Why did I have to talk so
much?
He was quiet. Probably judging me. Probably wondering why he just bedded a whore. He had
the right to.
His silence was making this weird now. Deciding to rest on my back as a pathetic attempt to
escape the rotten feeling in my chest, I turned away from him.
Stop, he suddenly said, pulling me back to my side. Dont run off.
You havent said anything in, like, two minutes, and its weird now.
Its not weird. Im just thinking.
Whatre you thinking about?
Your story, of course.
And?
And Im sorry you had to go through that.
Ugh. I sighed. I dont want a sorry, Ben.
What do you want then?
The truth. Your true feelings! Lay it to me thick. I know it was whorish, and I just wish
people would start telling me that instead of saying sorry.
Youre right, he then said firmly. It was whorish. It was wrong. It was a stupid cry for
attention that backfired. But that doesnt mean you have to carry that reminder on your face every day
for the rest of your life. You. Didnt. Deserve. It.
I looked at him warily. Youre not just saying that?
He stroked the scars again, and brought his face inches from mine. No, Im not just saying
that. But youre letting them win by giving them control over your feelings. Instead of looking into the
mirror and remembering the night they did this to you, remember the mistake you learned from.
Because it has changed you, right?
I nodded.
Good. Imagine the road youd have been on if youd kept going, and then think of what

youve filled your life with now. Tell me which life you prefer.
This one, I said without question.
He smiled. So what the hell do you have to be depressed about?
I smiled back. Nothing, I guess.
But I knew all this already, didnt I? It was the message Mom and Emily had been telling me
for months now. One that didnt seem to stick. Yet when they were said by Ben, it made sense in a
way Id been desperately wanting to grasp.
Like I said, he added with a tender kiss, youre beautiful, and dont tell me otherwise.
I didnt because I wanted to believe him.
He thought I was beautiful, and it was about time I really tried to think so too.
*****
Emily: Did you get laid tonight. Text me ASAP if you did.
Me: Sure did.
Emily: Skank.
Me: Correction happy skank, thank you very much! Did you get lucky too?
Emily: Another limp dick. I think theres something in the water. Why else are they all so deformed?
*and Im talking bent at the tip kinda deformed*
Me: Ha. Sorry, babe. Cant always get it good.
Emily: Its going good for you!
Me: Yep =)
Emily: Is he big?
Me: Yep =)
Emily: Like, really big?
Me: Yep =)
Emily: Is he good?
Me: Yep =)
Emily: Did he go down on you?
Me: Yep =)
Emily: Fuuuuuck! I hate you.
Me: We did it in a taxi too ;)
Emily: OMG!!!!!!! :0

Me: & we were soaking wet. It was hot.

Emily: :0 :0 :0
Me: Now were cuddling and youre distracting me. Good night, ho.
Emily: :0

Chapter Thirteen
The Royal Show
After we had breakfast and another raunchy love fest in the shower, I took the taxi home. I reflected
on our shower together all the way there. It was hotter than the first time, especially because his
shower was freaking massive and bending down didnt warrant having my face plastered to the glass.
I was walking on sunshine, and singing that silly tune in my head as I walked into the house
only to climb the stairs and find Emily asleep on my bed. I paused by the doorway and watched her in
concern. Itd been a while since shed come to sleep over because shed had a fight with her father.
She did it to escape him, and seeing her in my bed again made my heart clench.
I quietly grabbed a change of clothes and backed out of the bedroom, shutting it quietly
behind me. Halfway down the stairs my phone rang, and seeing PRIVATE NUMBER CALLING
made me smile from ear to ear.
Hello.
Hey, beauty, said Ben, just making sure you made it home.
I did. You know, it wouldnt kill to give me your cell phone number so I can text you all
day.
I cant. I only have a work phone at the moment.
Is that what youre calling me on right now?
Yes, it is.
So then get yourself a normal phone for private use. Hint, hint.
He chuckled at my double meaning. Ill think of that. I prefer coming to see you instead of
texting. Makes things a little more real. Plus you dont know who is behind the scenes reading.
Well, if you want to be medieval about our relationship then Ill just have to accept that, so
long as youre around a lot.
He hummed in thought. Relationship, huh?
I froze in the hallway. What else would you describe this? You said last night it was more
than sex, so I automatically assumed that
He silenced me with his laugh. Im kidding, sweetheart.
I relaxed. Its good you werent here to make that joke.
Or what?
Or Id have kicked you up the ass. Or, wait, I mused, youre English, so it must be arse,
right? Or is it bollocks?
Youre being painfully stereotypical.

Stereotypical would have been inviting you over for scones and tea.
Yeah, lets not push it. You do forget I immigrated here fifteen years ago.
I came here ten years ago and Im still catching up.
No, he disagreed, youve got a jumbled accent. Another giveaway you werent a tourist.
I strode into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I pulled out a chocolate bar and tore it open.
Whatre you doing? he asked curiously.
Pulled my chocolate out of the fridge, I answered, taking a bite and leaning back against
the counter.
You store your chocolate in the fridge?
Yep.
Weirdo.
I laughed. My mother started doing it when wed first come here. It would get so hot the
chocolate would melt in the cupboard, so wed put it in the fridge and, holy shit, cold chocolate was
damn phenomenal.
Weirdo, he repeated humorously. Im upset youre hungry. Didnt have enough
breakfast?
Im just snacking.
With a low, serious tone, he said, Is it bad that I miss you already? In fact, I called because
I was trying to look for an excuse to see you again. I feel like a lovesick puppy right now. Its really
unbecoming of me.
I sighed contentedly as my body tingled. God, this was too good to be true. It had to be.
Well, Im a bit of a loner, I told him, smiling so wide my cheeks ached, so if you wanted
to pop by anytime, youre free to.
Anytime? I might abuse that privilege.
Anytime, I said adamantly. And abuse away. I like to have sexy, English men with deep
voices and beautiful bodies stalking me. And I prefer them naked all the time.
All the time?
All the freaking time.
Be careful what you wish for, beauty.
No, being careful wouldnt have led me to you. And that was the truth. Id never have
kissed him if I was too chicken shit to do the dare.
No, it wouldnt, he agreed. Now look, I need to find an excuse to see you sooner.
How soon?

Pathetically soon. Have any suggestions in that sexy little mind of yours?
I thought for a moment, flicking through places in my head. There wasnt much to do in this
city without trying really hard to find something.
And then it hit me.
I gasped. I know what!
Hit me with it.
The Royal Show. I think the final day is tomorrow, and you missed out last year.
How about we go today?
I jumped up and down, unable to contain my excitement. Youre right. Pretty pathetically
soon.
I know. I think this is what you young ones call pussy whipped.
I laughed.
We sorted out a time to meet and got off the phone. I hurried back into my bedroom and went
through my closet. By then Emily was stirring awake. She turned to her side and watched me with an
amused look.
Whats the lucky bitch up to? she asked in a sleepy voice.
Ben wants to go to the Royal Show with me, I answered excitedly.
Didnt you just come back from his place?
Yep.
She laughed. Youve got it bad.
Shut up. I stopped and gave her a look over. How are you doing? I asked in a more
concerned voice.
Im alright, she reassured me. Just needed to avoid an alcohol fuelled rant from good ol
dad, you know?
I nodded. You know, Im here for you, right?
And Im here for you too. Now find something cute and semi-slutty to wear. And show some
damn cleavage. Hell want to see your boobs. That way you can tease him all day long.
I pulled out some clothes, allowing her for once to pick a suitable outfit. By the end, I was in
black tights, a red low-cut tank top, and a grey cardigan to keep me warm.
I smiled at myself in the mirror before heading out.
I felt good, and I looked good.
*****

We met at the entrance of the grounds. Ben walked right up to me and kissed me as though he hadnt
seen me for years. I was so surprised, I would have been knocked back if he hadnt already wrapped
an arm around me.
You look incredible, he said, taking a step back to run his eyes over my body.
I checked out his jeans and thin grey sweater and said, So do you. All dressed like us
normal people.
Normal? Coming from a girl who stores her chocolate in the fridge.
As opposed to?
The cupboard.
I laughed as we stepped into the giant line at the ticket booth and said, Okay, lets play this
game then. Where do you store your ketchup?
Ketchup? You mean tomato sauce?
I cringed. Were going to be butting heads all day.
He chuckled. I store it in the cupboard.
Ugh.
His face fell. No. Tell me you do not.
I nodded proudly. Fridge!
Fuckin hell. Does everything go in the fridge with you?
No Maybe.
Okay, he said, my turn. Bread crusts on or off?
Off.
Oh, no. He frowned gravely. Im not sure were compatible after all.
I gave him a smack on the shoulder. You seriously eat the bread crusts with your
sandwiches?
Absolutely.
Now youre the weirdo.
We bantered like this until we got our tickets and entered the grounds. There were people
everywhere, and kids running and screaming with their faces painted and their hands full of candy.
While we strolled through the fairground, passing exhibits and animal shows, I barely took
anything in. My eyes were solely reserved for Ben, and he seemed just as enamoured with me. It was
so unlike last years trip here when Emily and I had scoured the grounds for hot guys and loaded our
pockets with their numbers.
I had more fun this time around, even though we didnt really do anything except eat and

watch the animal shows. It was the perfect excuse to see each other in a relaxed environment.
It was while I was buying cinnamon donuts that Ben kept a distance away to answer some
phone calls. I waited in line and watched him. His face twisted in irritation at the heated conversation
he was having.
I looked away. I had to mind my own business. Call it ignorance, I didnt want to know about
that part of him. It was better being in the dark. Besides, what a person considered as work didnt
define them as a whole.
Damn, muttered a voice behind me, check out that ass.
A low whistle sounded, and when I turned to look behind me, two guys smiled in return as
they blatantly checked me out. Not wanting to acknowledge them, I looked away quickly. But Id be
lying if I said the attention didnt make me happy.
A tap on the shoulder followed and a voice in my ear whispered, You got a name, love?
I shook my head.
Oh, come on. A name, please?
I didnt respond.
Do I have to beg for a name
Fuck off, came Bens harsh voice as he stood right beside with an arm wrapped around my
waist. You saw me standing with her minutes ago, fuck-heads. Have some bloody decency.
Silence.
I held my laughter in until after I bought the tray of donuts. Then we continued our trek
through the grounds while Ben scared off anyone that looked my way.
*****
It was dark when we finally left. I was pretty sure Id eaten my body weight in cinnamon donuts and
cotton candy. We strolled to a nearby park, the air getting chillier by the minute.
That was so much fun, I said to him. Thanks for taking me out and spoiling me.
We sat down on a bench under a gazebo. The park was silent and void of people. I leaned
into his side and he wrapped an arm around me.
Im glad you enjoyed yourself, he said. I wish I could say the same.
Why cant you?
Because your tight little outfit attracted way too much attention. My eyes are sore from
glaring.
I giggled. I like that. Its nice that people still look, you know? A bit of a confidence boost
for me.

He pulled my body into his lap and took my face into the palm of his hand. He kissed me
lightly and said, Like I said, youre gorgeous.
As long as you think so, thats what matters right now.
He smiled. Good response.
Well, next time were out like this, Ill wear some hobo clothes. Ive got a ton of them.
Yeah? Well, I would rather you dressing any way that makes you happy. I was only joking. I
had a lovely time with you. Its been some years since I did this.
See the show?
That and this, he pointed between us. I havent felt a connection the way I do with you,
Claire. Im loving it.
I blushed and nodded. I havent either.
He stroked my hair affectionately before I turned my face to his. I kissed him again,
prolonging it this time because I loved the taste of his mouth. Kissing him made me feel alive and
free. I pressed my body against his, seeking his touch as he gripped me tighter to him. The second our
tongues clashed, my skin heated and my core pulsed. I urgently deepened our kiss, wrapping an arm
around his neck and pulling him to me.
When he started to harden beneath me, he abruptly pulled away. Nothing but silence
followed. I watched him with his eyes closed and his head tilted up. I wasnt even sure he was
breathing.
Is everything okay? I asked him uncertainly.
Im trying to compose myself, he answered tightly. Youre like a switch for me. Im hard
already and weve only kissed. Well have to get out of here soon so I can take you home and fuck the
shit out of you.
I smiled and, with wet lips, kissed up his throat, licking his bobbing Adams apple along the
way.
You know, I whispered slyly, Ive never had a sexual experience in a park before.
He instantly groaned at my words. Shit, beauty, you cant be saying things like that and
expect me to just take it.
Im not teasing you.
He stared back down at me and studied me closely. I could see the thoughts flashing through
his mind before his lips twisted up. Well see, he said. Rest your back against me.
Adrenaline instantly shot through my system as I did what I was told, resting my back against
his chest. My head was level to his. I felt his growing erection against my tailbone and I swirled my
hips just a little, giving him friction. He immediately grabbed at me and forced me to stop.
Very naughty, Claire.

I smiled and turned my head to kiss him on the cheek. Before I could come up with a
response, both his hands moved under my cardigan and travelled down my neck, stopping to cup each
breast. I arched my back and shut my eyes as he lightly stroked my nipples until they pebbled against
the light fabric of my shirt. Tingles bolted to my core as he continued giving them attention, sending
more and more down that way.
My breathing shifted and my body tensed. Already I felt drenched at the simple erotic
touches he was giving me, and it was made all the more exciting knowing he was doing this out in the
open.
His left hand abandoned my breast and travelled down my stomach as his right continued
stroking my nipple. He was painfully slow, grazing his nails along the bottom of my belly right at the
waistband of my tights. He breathed lightly into my ear and said, Do you want me to finger-fuck you
in the middle of the park, Claire?
I nodded shamelessly.
Ask me then.
Please, I panted, my mouth turning to touch his cheek. Please, can you fuck me with your
hand?
His hand slid under my waistband and traced around my sex. I tried moving my hips to angle
him where I needed him, but he bit out, Dont move, or Ill stop entirely.
I stopped and waited for him to continue. The anticipation was killing me, and I was aching.
I was drenched by the time he finally circled his fingers over my clit. My body jerked at the sudden
touch. I let out a harsh breath as he continued to tease, roaming me lightly before stroking my nub of
nerves.
Youre very wet, he remarked, running his nose along the bad side of my face. Whats
gotten you this turned on? The public place or me?
He brushed against my clit again and I moaned lightly. Both, I let out inaudibly.
He worked me slowly, half his face pressed against mine before his lips drifted down my
skin. He sucked on my neck as he picked up his pace, rubbing me over and over again before sliding
between my folds and entering me. I moaned again, feeling like my nerve endings were on fire. I
rocked against his fingers, seeking that friction as the pleasure climbed.
If someone walked by right now, would you tell me to stop? he asked me, licking me
feverishly. Or are you too far fucked to care?
I shook my head. Dont stop.
Well then, we have an audience right now. Do you want me to stop?
I kept my eyes shut and shook my head again, uncaring. The idea of being watched thrilled
me, but only because I was so turned on. I knew in any other situation Id have never been so brazen.
Theyre watching me fuck you with my hand, he whispered seductively, and theyre

watching you rock your hips against it. How about you show them the way you look when you come?
His words tipped me over the edge. I moaned loudly, my body clenching, as my orgasm tore
through me. The pleasure was toe curling, sparing no part of my body of its intensity.
Fuck, he whispered, kissing me on the cheek as I slowly came down from it. Youre
terribly sexy, Claire.
Still in my daze, I opened my eyes. When awareness settled in, I startled and looked around.
He said I was being watched, and now that I wasnt in an orgasm-induced haze, I was panicking.
He chuckled, reading my mind. No ones there, but it was exciting thinking so, right?
Oh, thank God, I said on a relieved sigh.
As if Id let anyone see that side of you.
You wouldnt?
No way. I like that look reserved for my own eyes.
I smiled and turned around to kiss him. I think its your turn now.
He shook his head. No. That was just for you, beauty. Besides, I want to go home and
destroy you in my bed.
Oh, this guy.
Yes, please, I said, and I was sure that wasnt going to be the last time I begged him that
night.

Chapter Fourteen
I love him
I loved him.
I mean, I was pretty sure I loved him the first time I saw him, but insta-love wasnt a good
enough excuse to go around and tell people I loved him. Because imagine the conversation to be had
with that one:
Oh, you love him, do you? Thats wonderful! How long have you guys been together?
Um, two weeks?
Oh Insert awkward looks all around. Well, thatsthats just wonderful.
Translation: Youre a fucking idiot.
Yeah, there was no way Id l ive that kind of judgment down. Mom would have had a heart
attack, and Emily would have laughed her tits off. I couldnt blame them for their scepticism. It
wouldnt have been the first time Id made such a declaration of love. In high school I was convinced
half a dozen times I was in love, only to be thrown aside when the next bit of fluff came along.
I kept this little secret to myself, and it was the hardest thing I had to do when all I wanted
was to blurt it out to anyone within a five kilometre radius.
Especially Ben.
Mostly Ben.
It was inseparability at its finest. The first few weeks consisted of dinners out and sleepovers
at his place the latter due to Moms return from her trip. She was a woman on a mission, had put her
six weeks notice in, and was busy clearing out her belongings and drilling into me how to look after
the house when I was on my own.
Then she got all perceptive on me.
Youre glowing, she remarked the second week shed been back. Who is he?
Either I was walking around with a giddy smile on my face 24/7, or she had some wicked
motherly instincts. My guess was both.
Hes a good guy, I told her first and foremost.
She hesitated, looking at me with a grim expression on her face. Are you sure about that?
Very.
He treats you well?
Yes.
When can I meet him?
Never, I hoped. Soon, I guess.

When do you see him next?

Tomorrow.
Then I want to meet him tomorrow.
Why cant it wait?
I want to thank the man that put a smile on my babys face tomorrow. He deserves a medal
because you havent been this happy in ever, I think.
Right.
I scurried away before the waterworks appeared from both sides, I should add. Being with
him made me emotional. Show me a video of baby kittens and I was a puddle of goo on the floor. Put
a romance movie on and I was weeping like a baby. Make me read a book with no happily ever after
and I was tearing the pages to bits and pieces and cursing the authors demise.
What the fuck had gotten into me?
The answer was simple.
L-O-V-E.
It was sappy, but at the end of the day the sappiest shit was always true.
So knowing Mom would pester me until the end of time, I filled Ben in on the details when he
called. My mom is being weird and asked to see you. Shes being all over-protective. You definitely
dont have to
Of course Ill meet her, he interrupted. Ill swing around tomorrow.
He showed up the next day, and he was to die for in casual jeans and a white button up. The
meeting was short and sweet. He was calm and happy, not at all effected by meeting a parent of the
person he was dating.
Its lovely to meet you, Miss Landon, he said, shaking her hand. Your daughters said a lot
about you, particularly of you leaving the state soon.
Is she that happy about it? Mom joked, although I knew she was partially serious.
I dont think any child could be happy without their parent, he replied with an easy smile.
Success!
Mom smiled back. I couldnt agree more. You take care of her for me.
Without a trace of humour in him, he said, Absolutely.
They made small chat. Weather, job, blah, blah. While shed acted normal to him, I could see
her restraining the stunned reaction she was desperate to give. She was both impressed and intrigued.
The next day when I got home in the afternoon she went to my bedroom and laid it to me thick.
Hes a lot older than you, she said, leaning against the doorway.

Nine years if were going to be exact, I replied. Why does it matter? Wasnt Dad older
than you by a lot too?
There was always the hurt in her eyes at the mention of him. It doesnt matter if youre
prepared for something serious. Hes well put together, and the way he looked at you was something
else. I dont doubt that hes genuine with you.
You doubt that I am with him?
She sighed, crossing her arms. Youre twenty one years old. Do you even know what you
want?
I remembered Bens words the first night he was here. It doesnt matter what age you are,
Mom. You never really know what you want. It changes.
Yes, but you learn about yourself along the way. You come to find yourself before you take
big steps.
I dont think people ever really find themselves on their own. I think for every special person
you meet, you take something from them with you. I think who you are is a built up of everything
youve ever experienced. He makes me happy. Its like seeing parts of me for the first time when Im
with him. That rush, that happiness, that need to be connected he gives it all to me.
And it really occurred to me then how far into him I was. I realized the more you fell in love
with someone, the more you fell in love with yourself. You learn to value who you are because you
mean the world to that person and you want to see what they see in you.
Thats what he did for me. The scars that were once associated with self-hatred and fear were
now a symbol of a time where I was somebody I never wanted to be again. And looking at them every
morning reminded me to keep changing my life for the better.
I love him, I then told her with certainty.
She swallowed back her emotion, but her eyes went red with unshed tears. Then you be
happy, Claire, and keep doing what youre doing.
When the six weeks were up, she gave me a heartfelt goodbye. We arranged visits for the next
year before I drove her to the airport in what was now my car. I watched her stride away with all her
bags and suitcases, but it didnt hit me that she was really gone until I was home.
I walked through the house and felt its emptiness. She went chasing her happiness with Kevin,
and she left behind a giant hole. It was bittersweet because I knew it would always come to this, and
it was for the best.
I couldnt reach out to Ben. He was away on business for a couple nights. He did this
sometimes, and I kept my nose out of it, trusting his word when he told me before he was looking to
get out of whatever he was involved in. When we were together, it was always just about us. We
locked the outside world up, ignoring it to focus on each other and the special connection we had.
So because he was away, I called Emily up. I needed her company. I needed the sadness that
came with Moms departure to retreat back into the ocean where the waves could carry it away.

Emily Jones never failed me, and I loved her to death for being there for me. She cancelled
her plans with other friends and came over. We got fat off ice cream and watched trash television
until the wee hours of the morning.
Move in with me, I told her before I fell asleep on the couch next to her.
To my surprise, she yawned and whispered, Yeah, I think I will.
It took her a week to bite the bullet. Bit by bit, she brought her life into the house, decorating
the guest room into hers. She seemed content about it, but I always spotted a conflicted shadow in her
eyes. Again, withdrawing from me something negative in her life that I wished shed open up to me
about.
My life was full and my last semester of classes were nearing the end as December
approached and the heat of summer flooded in.
The days went on, the weather grew warmer, and I couldnt be happier.

Chapter Fifteen
Youll be disappointed by the answer
He drew circles around my clit, slowly stroking me. Pinned down with no control, I did nothing but
ride it out. I gripped his hair as he continued to torment me, sucking and swirling until I couldnt take
it anymore. I gasped and my body went tight as the orgasm tore through me.
Fuck, would this ever get old?
His tongue continued stroking me for several more seconds before he gave me a kiss on the
stomach and moved up to lay beside me.
You still seeing stars, beauty? he asked, pressing his lips along the base of my neck as I
stared up at the ceiling in a daze.
I dont think Ive stopped seeing stars with you since the moment I met you, I let out
breathlessly.
You and me both, he murmured in my ear as his hand trailed down the front of my body
and settled between my thighs.
Youve ruined it. Its not working anymore.
His fingers roamed up and down my wet sex. Not feeling anything?
Im all numb after that. Back to back orgasms are really exhausting. That whole five
orgasms in one sitting that I read about is so full of shit.
He chuckled. Five? That might be possible.
No, its not.
See, now youre telling me its not possible, which means Im taking it as a challenge. And
you know how I am with challenges
You always have to win, I know.
So now that he was a man on a mission, he continued to stroke me, waiting for that lick of
pleasure to come back to me. No matter how sexy he was naked, I really was dead down there.
Did um Hmm, how was I going to word this? Did you like going down on me just
now?
I turned my head to him, meeting those grey mischievous eyes.
Have I ever not? he asked, spreading my legs wide open for better access.
I ran a hand through my hair, splaying some over my cheeks to hide my blush, and I said,
Ive been reading those womens magazines

I know, youve left some behind. Weird shit in there, little lady.
I let out a laugh. Yeah, well, anyway, there was this section about oral sex, and some chick
was asking how to make her, um, you know, down there
Her cunt?
God, hes vulgar. Her hoo ha, I corrected him sharply.
Those plump lips of his curved up. Right. Her hoo ha. Continue then.
Where the hell was I? Oh, right.
So she was asking how to make her hoo ha taste better during oral sex. And they
recommended
Who recommended?
The sex advice people, or whatever.
Right, the sex advice people, or whatever. Of course.
I ignored the humour in his voice and continued. And they recommended she eat a lot of
yogurt. Anyway, I thought that was interesting advice. Emily thought so too. So weve been eating a
lot of yogurt.
His jaw locked up. He was trying not to laugh. Okay.
Which brings me to now. Has it tasted differently?
He licked his lips and thought for a moment. You know, I wasnt paying attention. I might
have to have another taste of you to know for sure.
What? No
But he was already there beneath the covers. He licked me and shot back up, a look of
surprise in his eyes as he exclaimed, Holy hell, the sex advice people, or whatever were right.
Tastes like strawberry yogurt.
I giggled and shook my head. Ive only been eating mango.
They taste the same, dont they?
No, they dont actually. Not at all.
He laughed and dipped his head, kissing me harshly, purposely invading my mouth with his
tongue in a possessive kiss. Well go on then, he said huskily, taste yourself on my tongue. Do you
taste mango?
No.
He rubbed his nose to mine. Then you have your answer. Bullshit advice. I think I should ban
the magazines from your life. Might do you good.
Its not my fault for being curious.

Well, thank you for five minutes of incredibly interesting conversation with me. Yogurt
tasting pussies was fun to talk about
I smacked him on the back. Asshole.
He laughed again, pressing his body against mine and stealing away my breath as he kissed me
again. Yeah, but your asshole, right?
Since the moment I kissed you on the train.
Absolutely. I thought about you every day after that kiss.
My chest tightened as I searched his face. So why did it take you so long to reach out to me?
First tell me why you kissed me.
Youll be disappointed by the answer.
Try me.
I paused for a moment. Then I said, It was a game Emily and I played. Wed pick dare cards
every other month. My dare that day in that moment was to kiss a stranger.
His eyebrows shot up. Really? So it wasnt because I was irresistible after all.
But you were, and the kiss was the best Id ever had in my life, I told him truthfully.
He nodded vaguely and moved off of me. Settling on his back, he stared up at the ceiling with
a faraway look on his face. Had I really disappointed him? Was he upset? I supposed I would be too
if I realized I was some dare.
I regretted not stepping off the train with you, he suddenly said. For a few hours I was
incredibly angry at myself. I put business first when I should have followed my instincts. So when I
found the wallet in my pocket, I thought Id hit the lottery.
He sought my hand out from beneath the covers and entwined his fingers with mine.
I looked at your photo every day. My life was all travel and turbulent as hell. I tried my best
not to get attached to a bloody photo, but I did. I remembered the way you were on that train. The fire
in your green eyes, the smile on your lips, the way you screamed attention. After a while, I got too
curious for my own good, and a photo wasnt enough to appease me. I looked you up online and found
your Facebook page. It was crawling with pictures and smarmy men, so at least I wasnt the only one
stalking you.
When was this? I asked, stunned.
A few weeks after.
You should have reached out. I was thinking about you the most around that time.
He rubbed his face exhaustedly. I hate what my lifes become, Claire. Thats the truth. It
reached the pinnacle of shit when I was abroad. The only thing keeping me grounded was looking at
your photos. Seeing you smile. I felt pathetic for being attached to a stranger, but it didnt feel like you

were one to me. Id already decided I was going to see you again when I returned. It was just a matter
of when.
But then one night I checked in on you again, and you were gone. The page had been taken
down and youd disappeared. Either something had happened to you, or youd just outgrown the
social scene. My guess wasnt the latter. Youd been outgoing until the very end. So I bided my time
until I got back and wanted to see for myself what had gone wrong. And, well, now I know, dont I?
I nodded vaguely, reminiscing about the moment I deleted my page. I only had it up for
attention. After a childhood of moving around nonstop, never making any friends, and then having a
father that was no longer around, I was practically begging for attention. It was only after what
happened that I didnt want it anymore. Because that attention was like a devil in disguise.
I was one of those girls on there that would change her profile picture every single day. Id
get dolled up in some skimpy outfit. Its hilarious now that I think about it.
I enjoyed those daily photos, he replied happily. But nothing was better than your pictures
at the Royal Show. All sopping wet, your make-up running down your face, but you had the biggest
smile
Youre referring to the shit photos Emily tagged me in to be a little wench.
Ill have to thank her then.
Dont go near her. Shell hump your leg, Im sure. Emily was infatuated with Ben. Every
time they crossed paths she was all over him. He wasnt interested at all, so her advances were funny
to watch, and I knew she was doing it in jest.
Dont worry about your friend, he said. I only have eyes for you.
Ben was really talented with words when he wanted to be. He could make my entire day with
just one simple line like that. I savoured them because while he was affectionate with his hands and
mouth, he was usually reserved about his feelings.
He trailed his thumb over my scars again, something he did when he was reflecting. I learned
to stop cringing when he touched that side of my face. It helped me to overcome how conscious I was
of them when he was always acknowledging their existence.
Can I ask you a question, Claire? he said seriously.
Of course.
When I first started getting to know you, every morning youd rush off to the bathroom. Its
been less lately, but you still do it. I dont like that it happens, and I know by the way you hurry that
its not coming out intentionally. Is there something I should about with you health-wise? Because Id
hate for you to be sick when I could be doing something about it.
I wrapped an arm around him and kissed him gently. Well, thank you for worrying about me,
but its not happening as often. Theyre panic attacks. After I got attacked, every morning Id wake up
feeling like I was back there. That fear made my body react, and Id throw up as a result. Sometimes I
feel lightheaded instead.

He was very concerned. Maybe you should see someone.

I saw a counsellor for a while, but it wasnt doing much. And the doctors just wanted to put
me on medication. Thing is, I dont feel it throughout the day. Just in the mornings, and its been
happening less than before, so I think Im getting a bit better.
He frowned. I just dont want it to happen at all, period.
Me neither.
We continued to lay there for a while after. He continued to run his fingers over my scars
reverently, and it was when I started to fall asleep the sound of ringing tore through the silence. I
jerked awake and watched him fumble out of the sheets. Naked, he bent down and took his phone out
of the pocket of his pants. The screens light shone on his face, and I could see the frown forming
deeply on it.
I have to take this, he said in a grim voice, disappearing into the next room.
I didnt like when he got called. It usually happened this late at night, and it always took him
to different rooms. Sometimes I wanted to eavesdrop to get an idea of what was going on, but I
reminded myself that ignorance was bliss. My life was too perfect, and if I had the control to stop it
from falling apart, I wasnt about to sabotage it.
I fell asleep minutes later.

Chapter Sixteen
He likes broken things
It was a distant slam that woke me up in the middle of the night. I stretched my arm out and reached
for Ben, but I met empty air. I sat up in bed and fetched his plain tee off the ground where hed thrown
it earlier. I put it on and tip-toed out of the room.
I followed the sound of light voices and stopped at the top of the stairs.
And this is why I dont leave you in charge, hissed Ben.
I beg to differ, retorted a male voice. You dont leave me in charge because you simply
dont want to. Its an ego thing for you.
Bloody ridiculous, Jamie. Youre paranoid.
Oh, so this isnt because you hate my guts for what I did to you?
I dont care about what you did to me.
A rueful laugh sounded out in return. Right.
Why are you even here? Shouldnt you be trying to fix your fucked-up relationship instead
of bumming a bed off a man you crossed?
Its not a relationship.
Yeah, yeah. Keep denying it. Stupid and paranoid.
Not paranoid, and you cant use that as an excuse not to put me in charge.
Maybe that times coming, and maybe its not. Prove yourself first.
I descended the staircase when their conversation died down. It was approaching the living
area that I spotted Ben standing in front of the window, peering out with his arms crossed. His stiff
demeanour told me he was in a shitty mood. Since the time I saw Macht, hed never displayed that
intimidating behaviour around me again. But it was in full force now.
I turned my head to the source of the other voice. On the black leather couch was a sprawled
out body of a young man. I knew straightaway this was his brother. He had the same thick black hair,
pale skin, and tall body. He was in a leather jacket and jeans, looking like a rougher version of Ben.
I have proven myself, he muttered tiredly with his eyes closed. And I dont see what the
problem is. Its perfect timing. Youve gone AWOL for a couple months now. I could be taking care
of the business while giving you all the time in the world with the half-naked girl standing at the end
of the room right now.
Ah, shit.
Bens body whipped around, catching me with a startled look on his face. He hurried to me.
Sorry, I immediately said, backing up a step. I didnt mean

Did I wake you? he asked.

Yeah, I answered. Its alright. I should have waited for you instead of coming down here
and interrupting you.
Its fine, he reassured me. We were just finishing up now anyway. Werent we, Jamie?
Jamie chuckled sardonically before sitting up on the couch. His movements were slow,
giving away how drunk he was. He looked over at me, roaming those eyes over every inch of me.
I didnt know you liked jailbait, brother, he remarked.
Im not jailbait, I snapped at him in shock.
When did you graduate high school, sweetheart? Yesterday?
I skipped a grade, Ill have you know. And Im twenty one and graduating College!
Jamie chuckled for real this time. Your body has some catching up to do, then.
My jaw dropped in shock.
Shut it, Jamie, Ben snapped, glaring at him before turning to me. My dickhead brothers
just trying to wind you up. He does that often. Dont take it personally.
Jamie smiled, and it lit up his entire face. Well, shit, he was actually better looking than Ben
in a pretty boy kind of way, and I felt suddenly severely under dressed.
Im only joking. Fuck. Bunch of nuns in this apartment. He looked me over again and said
slowly, Shes pretty. Prettier than Melinda. Im impressed, Ben. After that dry spell, I thought you
were secretly batting for the other team. Whats this ones name?
This one? I gaped at Ben in bewilderment. Your asshole brother thinks he can talk to me
like this and get away with it?
Ben sighed, showing his brother remarkable patience and explained, Hes not usually like
this. Not until he gets on the drink.
Jamie stood up from the couch and meandered over to us. Looking between the two brothers,
it was hard to decide who I wanted to look at the most. Their similarities were startling, but there
were noticeable differences. Ben carried himself confidently, whereas Jamie was arrogant all around,
reminding me of a sly snake nestled in the bushes, waiting to strike.
Did he tell you about me? he asked, eyeing the two of us with his hazy blue eyes.
Get back on the couch, Ben demanded. The only way youre spending the night is if
youre on that couch in five seconds, or else Im kicking you back out.
Jamie merely blinked at this threat and said to me, Did he tell you Im the fuck-up brother?
The one thats incapable of simple shit like exchanging briefcases under some bridge in plain sight
Ben suddenly shoved him back. On the fucking couch, Jamie, and keep your fucking mouth
shut.

He listened, albeit with a gleeful look on his face. He collapsed back onto the couch and not
a moment later passed before his snores sounded out.
Im sorry for this, Ben told me, staring at his brother with a look of wild bitterness. Hes
worn out his welcome with somebody. When he does this, he usually crashes here, until hes back in
their good graces.
Hes a bit of an asshole, isnt he?
Bens smile didnt reach his eyes. Jamie can be the nicest person youve ever met, or your
worst nightmare. Sometimes hes both. Dont take anything he says to heart. He likes to see how far
he can push someone.
Turning to face me, he took a step back and really looked at me. Youre in just a shirt.
I shrugged. I thought it was just you down here, and then I forgot about this. I motioned
to the shirt that was barely skimming my upper thighs.
His body tensed. He closed his eyes and breathed through his nose. Im feeling incredibly
possessive right now, and Im not sure thats normal.
I bit my bottom lip to keep from smiling. Why are you feeling possessive?
Because I hate that you were half naked in front of somebody else, particularly my
douchebag brother who will have without a doubt put his moves on you if I wasnt here.
Then thats normal, I reassured him softly. And Id never have let him work any kind of
moves on me.
He has a habit of being very charming.
Then its good I saw his asshole side first.
He stepped to me and wrapped his arms around my waist. With a soft kiss he said, Im
going to grab him a blanket. Be right back. Well grab some munchies before we get back to bed. Im
wide awake now.
Me too.
He hurried back up the staircase and disappeared from view. I watched Jamie sleeping for a
few moments before I wandered to the window. There was no life stirring below. No cars roaming
the streets. It looked eerily black, even for this hour.
I pressed my forehead against the glass and was lost in thought when he said, Im not
surprised he likes you.
I turned around, narrowing my eyes at the brother who appeared wide awake now. Had he
faked sleeping?
Why arent you surprised? I asked him, feeling incredibly distrustful of him.
Jamie stared about my face, and his lips curved up. He likes broken things.

My heart skipped a beat. What do you mean?

He didnt answer. Just kept staring at me with an intensity that was unnerving. Then when he
heard the sound of footsteps approaching, he shut his eyes and parted his lips and pretended to be
asleep again. Just like I thought.
He was a snake.
A very intriguing one.
Ben threw a thin blanket over his asshole brothers body. I thought about telling him the
shady bastard was awake, but for some reason I didnt. Ben took my hand and led me into the kitchen.
I turned my head back before we disappeared just in time to see Jamies lips forming a cheeky,
closed lip smile.
*****
The next morning I made sure to be appropriately dressed for breakfast. I had bagels with cream
cheese while Ben cooked up bacon for himself. Jamie joined us after the food was done (conveniently
good timing) and grabbed himself a plate.
I watched him take a seat across from me, loading his plate up with the bacon Ben had left in
the centre of the island.
How are we this morning? Ben asked with a hard voice. Sober, I hope?
Jamie looked like a mess, his hair even shaggier and all over the place than Bens. His white
plain tee was ruffled, and I spotted some heavily tattooed arms now that he wasnt wearing his jacket.
But regardless of his messy state, he smiled apologetically and said, I am, and I sincerely
apologize for my ill conduct to you and your girlfriend, Benjamin.
Bloody hell, these Costigan boys sure had manners. Their mother may have raised them well,
but that didnt stop me from looking at Jamie suspiciously. He could be genuine, or he could be
laughing at us too. It was hard to tell with this one.
And may I formally introduce myself. His hand reached out over the table. Im James
Costigan Jamie for short.
I glanced at Bens equally wary face before shaking his hand. Claire.
Its nice to meet you, Claire.
You too. I guess.
How long have you two been seeing each other? he then asked curiously.
A few months, I answered.
Thats very nice, he remarked, eyeing Ben carefully.
For a minute they just looked at each other, some kind of unspoken communication going on.
I felt like I was interrupting something, and was about to sneak off when a cell phone erupted from the

kitchen counter.
Ben stood up and retrieved his phone. He briefly glanced at the number on the screen before
picking up with a snippy, What?
He listened for a few moments, his brows knitting together. Got it.
He got off and slammed the phone down on the counter heatedly and gripped the counter with
one hand so hard his knuckles whitened.
Is everything alright? I asked him.
His head dropped, and he looked at the tile floor for a moment. I um have some business
to get around to. Im going to need to fly out tomorrow morning.
I didnt reply because I knew this had something to do with what he wanted me to be
oblivious about. He infrequently went away. Sometimes it was for a night. Sometimes it was two. But
never had I seen him so bothered by it until now.
Is everything alright? Jamie tentatively asked. It was said in a different manner to mine,
sparking an equally different reaction this time.
I dont like the people Im dealing with at the moment, Ben answered, before he glanced at
me and stopped himself from saying more.
I took this as my cue to go. Whatever was going on, Jamie was well aware of it. So I took a
last bite out of my bagel and said, Im going to have a shower.
They didnt acknowledge me as I stepped out, but as I climbed the stairs I could hear them
having a heated conversation.

Chapter Seventeen
Unimaginably
Sitting on the edge of the bed later that night, I watched him pack a small suitcase of clothes. He was
going away for a week. Wed never been away from each other for that long, and I was bummed out
to say the least.
Im leaving you my apartment key, he told me as he zipped up his suitcase.
Why?
He shrugged. Because in case anything ever happens, I want you to know you have another
roof you can sleep under.
What could possibly happen?
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, avoiding eye contact as he said, Claire, the truth
is Im giving you the key because I want our relationship to take that extra step.
I stilled. Oh. Sometimes I could be so dense. I didnt even consider you were thinking
along those lines.
His jaw clenched as he turned away from me and sorted through his closet endlessly. Having
not pulled a single thing out, he seemed to be doing this as a distraction.
Weve been inseparable, he muttered thoughtfully. Youre imprinted in my mind. How
could I not be thinking along those lines? Have I not been doing this right?
I frowned. Doing what right?
Exhaling, he finally turned, casting me a lost look. I dont know the first thing when it comes
to relationships. Im just as lost as you.
Why is that?
Because of my life, he said, hesitating. The travel and the
But you havent been traveling much at all.
He chuckled disdainfully. Thats because I didnt want to be away from you, and its
caused some problems lately. Im overdue on taking care of issues I should have dealt with ages
ago.
He looked at me again. If Im not doing right in vocalising how I feel then
Then what? I eagerly asked.
Then let me know and Ill try to do a better job.
I smiled. So try better and tell me how you feel.

God, sometimes he could look at me so intensely it gave me the same reaction to him
touching me. This was one of those moments, and it made my heart thump faster.
He said softly, I feel like Im dreaming. I feel like youre too good to be true. Like any
second someones going to shake me awake and Ill have been in a coma these last few months.
I swallowed a lump, and I was sure my eyes glistened with unshed tears.
I feel like that too, I replied.
He smiled softly and approached me. He knelt down in front of me and rubbed his thumb
along my cheek sweetly.
Youre special to me, he said.
What makes me special to you?
Youre different.
And whats so great about that?
As he roamed his finger over my scars, he answered, I love different.
He kissed me softly then and his hand slowly descended, gripping me possessively, hunger
in his touch.
We have time, you know, he whispered against my lips.
For more yogurt tasting, you mean?
He chuckled. Especially yogurt tasting.
Youre sick.
And you love it.
Oh yes, I admitted to myself as he pushed my back against the mattress.
I fucking loved it.
And do you know what else you love even more? he huskily asked as he stripped me of my
shorts and pressed his body against mine.
What? I let out, closing my eyes to the feel of his hands roaming me.
Me.
I stilled and opened my eyes. We both paused for a long moment.
Yeah, I finally admitted, swallowing hard again. I do.
Say it, he demanded. Tell me you love me.
I love you.
Unequivocally?

Unimaginably.
He stroked my hair away from my face and nodded. I love you too, Claire Landon, he
declared with conviction. Beyond the depths of my soul, I truly do.
Really?
Have I ever lied?
No.
Then there you go.
I felt warm everywhere. This was by far the best moment of my life.
He captured my lips with his and kissed me softly and slowly. No tongue action, no hastiness
for more. Just light brushing of the lips, feeling them move and press against my own. I sighed
contentedly against him, before he moved away and dropped down next to me. He grabbed me by the
arm and pulled me over top of him.
Those long hands roved up and down my back, his finger in particular inching over my spine.
It tingled under his touch. Oh, I liked this intimacy. This slow, no worded dance of the lips and hands.
I rested my breasts against his chest and they ached at the contact.
He flicked his tongue against my mouth, and my body heated immediately. Something about
his tongue drove me wild. It made our kiss transition immediately into something more. His eagerness
bellowed out of him, until it was teeth and tongue and licks.
Put my cock inside you, he demanded.
I sat up and gripped his length in my hand. I pumped him twice before I situated myself over
him. I slowly took his tip to me and sank down. We both moaned at the same time as I took him all the
way inside. I was all feeling now, my eyes glazed over, my body moving slowly with no particular
rhythm. He gripped my hip tightly with one hand and helped me along. Thrusting in, thrusting out. He
breathed hard, trying not to take over as his other hand drifted up my body, traveling to my breast, my
collarbone, my neck and back down again.
Just like always, he looked at me. Not my body. But into my eyes. Panting heavily in his pool
of pleasure, his eyes remained solidly locked to mine.
And it didnt ever feel like an invasion. It felt good and right. I stared back into the warmth
of his beautiful grey irises and moved at my own pace, quietly breathing and quietly groaning.
Perfect, he whispered as he drove himself into me, losing every ounce of control as we
neared the end. Take me all the way in.
I savoured the times we made love. He never went too hard, and I never raced to have my
needs met selfishly. This was real sex. This was a real connection. This wasnt banshee screaming,
over-the-top fucking.
Everything about this was real.

Chapter Eighteen
Because this concerns your life
It was mid-morning when Ben left to the airport. I offered to drop him off, but he adamantly refused,
insisting on taking a random taxi. I always wondered why, but I couldnt bring myself to ask.
I thought about it a lot on the way home, but I kept drawing blanks. Just like the damn phone
thing. Id tried cornering him about it once, saying if there was an emergency, I needed a phone to
contact him on. He ended up giving me a number, but it was to his home phone.
Who the hell still used home phones these days?
But it was a small victory, so I couldnt really be that upset. Plus I was still on cloud nine
since hed told me he loved me. Nothing seemed to matter as much as that. Someone loved me, and he
wasnt just anyone, he was my dream man. It was surreal.
Just as I neared the main road that connected to my residential street, sirens erupted. I looked
at my rear view, shocked to find a police car right at my bumper signalling for me to pull over. What
the hell?
I parked on the emergency lane and turned the car off. The police officer stepped out of his car
and walked over. He tapped on the window and I wound it down.
Have I done something wrong? I asked cautiously.
Do you know how fast you were going over the speed limit, Miss? he sternly replied.
My brows came together. I wasnt speeding, officer.
You were speeding, he adamantly stressed. Ten kilometres over the limit.
Bullshit! Seriously, sir, I was not speeding
Licence and registration, Miss.
Dickhead.
I took out my licence and registration form and passed them to him. I tried my hardest not to
give him a stink eye and run him over five times. This was bullshit. Was he drunk? Or was he in the
mood to abuse his power today?
He turned around and ambled back to his car. I waited for some time before he came back
over and said, Miss Landon, Im going to ask that you step out of the car and come with me, please.
I gaped at him. What?
As though I was mentally inept, he said it slower. Step out of the car and come with me,
Miss Landon.

May I ask why?

The police want to have a word with you.
Why?
Im afraid youll have to wait to find out.
Feeling slightly panicked, I stepped out of the car. Youre not going to cuff me or anything,
are you? I asked him.
He looked irritably at me. Just come with me.
I followed him to the car and sat in the back like a damn criminal. If anyone was around, Id
have been humiliated.
What about my car? I said as he drove past it.
Itll be there when youre done, he replied.
Yeah, but would it be in one piece? The amount of times Id seen cars on the side of the road
that were graffiti-ridden with windows smashed gave me more than enough cause for concern.
He didnt drive long before we stopped in front of a small, local police station. We walked
in, passing a few officers and an empty receptionist desk. I was led into a small, windowless room
and asked to sit behind a creaky, old table. Then I was left alone, with nothing to read and nothing to
do.
An hour passed. Maybe two. It felt like a slow eternity spent memorizing the bland room,
looking over every inch of it. I felt confused and panicked. For the first fifteen minutes I
wondered if Id done something wrong. What the hell was wrong with my licence? Had it
expired? No way. Impossible. Hypothetically, even if it had, they wouldnt be doing this to me
right now.
The rest of the time I was facing the wall of ignorance Id put up the last few months.
This had something to do with Ben. I knew it from the bottom of my soul, and forcing myself to
come to grips with this wasnt easy. It meant having to admit I knew all along I was right that
what he had been up to was no good.
But just how bad was it? That was the real question, and I dreaded the answer.
When the door finally opened, I sat up straight in my chair and looked at the man walking
through. Who I saw made me go instantly still with shock.
I shook my head, feeling like my whole world was suddenly spinning off its axis.
Do you need anything? Id asked him that day in Harbour town.
Not yet, hed said.
Fuck.
He was in another cheap suit, carrying a file in his hands. He smiled at me in greeting

and said, Hi, Miss Landon, Im Detective Malcolm Hardman

And a stalker, I interrupted angrily. Dont think for a second I dont remember you in
Harbour town, following me around. Next time a bit of discreetness wouldnt kill.
Looking unbothered, he took a seat opposite of me and laid the file down on the table. I
was just doing my job, Miss Landon, he replied with ease.
Why would following me be a part of your job?
It just was that day.
Sure it was. I crossed my arms and leaned back in my chair again, glowering at him.
Ive got some questions I need to ask you, he started, bringing his hands together over
the file.
Im not under arrest, I retorted. I dont have to answer shit. In fact, I should get up and
leave right now.
He chuckled. Youre not under arrest, and youre not being recorded right now either.
This is strictly between you and me. We have confidentiality between us
Just cut to the chase, Detective.
He nodded, boring those blue eyes into mine. For a middle-aged, cheap suited Detective,
he wasnt that hard on the eyes. Not just in appearance, but his body language was relaxed and
friendly. He was the type that could easily make someone feel at ease, and I didnt want that
someone to be me.
Youve been in a relationship with Ben Costigan for some time now, isnt that right. It
sounded more like a statement than a question.
I shrugged and offered no response.
We have it on very good authority that hes a dangerous man, Miss Landon.
Okay, I muttered indifferently. I knew exactly what was going on. They wanted Ben.
They wanted to pump me for information. To sell him out. There was no way in hell any of that
was going to happen.
Besides, Id allowed myself to be ignorant about that side of him. So if they were
seeking answers, they werent going to find any from me.
Hes a murderer, Detective Hardman stressed.
Oh, whatever.
No, hes not, I snapped back, and I instantly regretted doing it. I didnt want him to see me
so affected by his accusations. I preferred keeping my feelings for Ben close to my chest.
He sighed and looked sympathetically at me. Im sorry, but youre wrong. The man is
linked to gangs all throughout the country, Miss Landon, and all across the world. He launders

money for mafias the real nasty kind you dont come back unscathed from and sometimes he
plays a little dirty for a bigger slice of the pie. Ill spare you those photos.
I cut my emotions off and stared into space, ignoring his words. Ben wasnt like that. He
wasnt a murderer! Bullshit. I slept next to that man almost every single day for the last couple
months. He wasnt crazy. He was everything good in this world.
Id have known if Id been with a crazy person. I really would, I stressed to myself.
Right?
Now Im here to help you, he continued, taking on a more serious note. The last thing
I want to do is work against you.
I sneered. Work against me? Youve got nothing on me, Detective.
When Ben Costigan goes down and I promise you with every fibre of my being that he
will one day do you think youll come out of this untouched? Someone who has been there for
him, perhaps collaborating with him
Collaborating with him? Thats bullshit and you know it, I interrupted with a cutting
glare. Im sorry, Hardman, but youre not getting shit out of me. Youve stooped this low by
resorting to me because youre desperate, and desperate means you dont have shit on Ben. And
you dont have shit on Ben because hes nothing like you say he is. Hes a good man. So how
about we stop wasting our time here. Ive got a life to get back to
Im not finished, Miss Landon
Yeah, well I am! And now if youll excuse me, tell the guys out there to let me go and
give me back my licence and car keys. And if I find out anything has happened to my car
Believe me, youll want to hear this.
Why?
Because this concerns your life.
I rolled my eyes and scoffed. I looked up at the ceiling and started counting the tiles
while I heard him open the file and shuffle through papers.
Im going to show you a photo, and I want you to tell me if you recognize this man, he
said.
With an exaggerated sigh, I peered at the photo he slid to me. It was of a dark haired man
with dark brown eyes and a bit of stubble on his face. I raised a brow at Hardman.
I dont know him, I told him. God, what a waste of time this was.
Look a little harder, Miss Landon, he pressed, tapping the photo in front of me, and
while youre looking hard at him, I want you to think of the description you gave police the night
you were attacked twelve months ago.
My eyes shot up to his. What does my attack have anything to do with Ben?

He didnt respond for a moment, allowing my mind to wrap itself around what hed told
me to do. I tried to remember the description I had given of the women that attacked me and the
man Id almost had sex with. I was really drunk that night, so my descriptions were murky at best.
All I recalled of the man was that he had dark hair and dark eyes.
I glanced back down at the photo. Was this him? How long had the police known this?
Why are you bringing this to me now? I asked incredulously. How long have you
known about him?
Hardman suddenly looked conflicted. What Im about to say will hurt, Miss Landon.
I dont care. Just say it. No, I did care actually. I was terrified, and I wasnt sure if I
was ready for what was about to come.
He tapped the photo once more. That here is Joshua Malik and he paused. One
year ago he worked for Ben Costigan. He disappeared out of the country a week after you were
attacked.
Time was slowing down all around me. My breathing thinned as I continued to stare at
the photo. There were no thoughts, just feelings and the most prominent one was confusion.
No, I said with a shake of my head, Ben doesnt have men working for him, just his
store employees
Of course he has men working for him. Dont be nave, Miss Landon. You think hed
allow them around you? Has he ever allowed you to see into his work life at all?
No, but
He has kept his work separate from you.
I shook my head again. So youre telling me this man worked for Ben, and Im still
trying to understand what youre getting at.
Now he scoffed and leaned back into his chair. Come on, darling, do I have to spell it
out for you? Your attack was a set up.
My heart lurched. A set up for what? What would Ben gain out of it?
He pointed at my face. That, Claire.
The walls around me were really starting to cave in. I continued to shake my head,
denial overtaking every emotion inside of me.
This is ridiculous and pathetic, I retorted. You really think Im going to believe Ben
told one of his men to seduce me in order to have me attacked by a bunch of women?
Hardman opened the folder again and pulled out a different photo. This here is Melinda
Warren.
The name shot through my system like an ice cold current. Melinda. The name Jamie had
dropped the night I met him. Shes pretty. Prettier than Melinda.

Hardman placed the photo right over the mans. I looked down at a smiling photo of a
beautiful blonde with bright green eyes.
She was beautiful, right? he said. Just like you. Sort of even looks like you.
Again, I numbly let out, what relevance is this?
Hardman exhaled slowly, looking more and more troubled. Thats not all.
I raised my brows, waiting for the rest.
Opening the folder once more, Hardman looked between me and the photo hed yet to
show me.
And this, he said in a low voice, is what she looked like after her attack.
I shook even long before the photo was placed before me. I already knew what was
coming, and I was moving my head in all kinds of directions as the fear of what might be in front
of me took over.
Hardman slid it down the table and rested it next to Melindas picture.
Teeth chattering, I stared at him for the longest time, trying hard to prolong the
inevitable. Then I swallowed and looked down.
My vision blurred and tears fell as I observed Melindas new face. One half perfect and
untouched, and the other half marred and broken.

Chapter Nineteen
My heart hurts
You need to breathe, he kept telling me. Just breathe, Claire.
How was I meant to breathe when the reason Id been breathing in life was nothing but a lie?
The panic attack had me red in the face. My stomach churned and my head felt light. I
gripped the table with both my hands, waiting for my vision to steady itself.
Please tell me this isnt true, I begged him as the tears kept falling. Please.
The look of remorse on his face was answer enough.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We learned a long time ago that he has a thing for scarred women. Hes been known for
frequenting whore houses in different countries, always looking for the marked ones. And you and
Melinda arent the only ones hes responsible for marring.
I put a hand over my mouth in shock. My world tore itself apart from all around me. I stood up
and paced the room, shutting my eyes as the oxygen found a way inside my lungs. I pushed away the
thoughts, and I pushed away the emotions. I didnt want to crumble in front of someone.
What is it that you want from me? I demanded hysterically. Youve given me the truth, but
at what cost?
Costigan is a monster, he told me firmly. He needs to be put away.
What makes you think Im going to sell him out after all hes done to me? This just makes
me want to run away.
He wont let you get away. In his eyes, youre his property. Hell kill you, Miss Landon,
just like he killed Melinda. My eyes widened. Oh, yeah, dont look so surprised. He had this piece
of fluff for six months before she disappeared without a trace. This is what he does. He likes his
woman marked. Youre his trophy, for now. Hell shower you with false love, make you believe the
man he pretends to be around you. Then hell tire of you, and itll be too late for you when that
happens. We want to be there for you now.
Hed kill me? His property? How the hell had I missed those signs?
But then again, it made a little sense. Hed have known the attack made me vulnerable and
depressed. Then hed showed up out of the blue and dived right into me, taking advantage of a person
that was desperate to feel beautiful and loved.
I felt like such a fool.
I swallowed the bile in my throat and rested my back against the wall. I crossed my arms,

facing him. What do you want, Detective? Get to the fucking point already.
Costigan holds enormous power. Hes the most sought after banker in the underworld. He
possesses unlimited information, enough to bring down a whole network of criminals. Its crucial we
have evidence against him. We need to know when and where he makes his next business
transaction.
He keeps that part of him locked up tight. I didnt even know that was happening. Theres
no way Im going to know about his meetings. The fact you havent managed to get close enough is
alone to tell you how impenetrable he is.
Yeah, but youre with him most of the time. Now we know he uses burner cells. He
probably changes his phone once every few days. If you can get a hold of one, we need to know about
any text messages, all numbers in his phone, anything at all.
What do you mean burner cells?
Prepaid phones. The small crap kind you buy for thirty dollars or less from the store. Know
what Im talking about?
I swallowed a lump. I know exactly what youre talking about. There went that mystery.
If we can catch him on this next exchange, its not only going to ensure the safety of the
public, but yours too. And thats all were trying to endeavour to do here, Miss Landon.
I didnt say anything for the longest time. I wiped the tears that had escaped and fought to
stop them from falling. I didnt allow the revelation to digest just yet. I needed to be alone first.
I need to go, I told him. Please, this is all too much for me right now.
He nodded in understanding. Absolutely. I can imagine how hard this must be for you. If you
need time, were more than happy to give that to you, but please understand that we need you more
than anything right now. Like I said before, we dont want to work against you, but the people Im
working with right now are desperate enough to do just that. Im trying to protect you, Miss Landon.
I know. I understand. I just I need to be alone for a little while and Ill get back to you
about this. I just dont know how strong I can be
Hell be back in a week, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, hes going to see you, and he cant know about any of this. For your safety, you
need to endure, and I swear to you, Claire, the second you get that information we need, youll be free
of him.
Free of him? Free of the man Id fallen so unbelievably hard for?
But hes not really that man, is he?
Okay, I said vacantly. I dont know if I can do what youre asking, but Ill think about it,
just give me some time for me to accept all this.

I wasnt sure if time ever could.

*****
It was as though I pressed pause on life. From the police station to my way back home, I was frozen.
Nothing went through my head. I kept the feelings shut out and my mind empty.
But the second I stepped foot in my house, the barrier Id put up crumbled to a million
pieces, and I sank to the floor and sobbed.
The pain! Oh, my fucking god, the pain was too much. I curled up in the corner and cried,
wishing more than anything for it to go.
Crying used to be cathartic. It used to help. Like bleeding an animal dry, I used to feel the pain
slowly seep out of me until I was empty of all of it. But it didnt work this time. Instead, the tears just
kept falling, and the knife-like pain in my heart twisted, leaving me breathless and quaking.
He was responsible for the hell I went through for nine whole months, but that was nothing
compared to the hell I was feeling at this revelation. How could he do this to me? How could he
damage me like this? How could he look me in the eye and tell me he loved me? Everything that had
been said to me started to make sense.
He likes broken things.
Youre exquisite. A work of art.
Are you aware of how beautiful you are to me?
I love different.
I stood up and climbed the stairs. Anger and pain merged and had me shaking with adrenaline.
I slammed open the door of my bedroom and grabbed the sketchpad off the dresser. I tore the pages of
him out and ripped them to pieces before flinging the book across the room. I felt savage. I wanted
nothing more than to rage and smash things to pieces in the hopes of materializing the pain. As if
making it tangible could somehow rid me of it.
I swiped the make-up off the dresser and pushed the television off the stand. I tore apart my
room bit by bit, screaming out loud how much I hated him. How much I wanted him to die.
And then when all was screamed and done, I stood in front of the mirror and stared at my
miserable reflection. All those days learning to accept my appearance, learning to move on and
embrace my scars it had been all for nothing.
I touched the left side of my face, tracing over the harsh lines, remembering the pain I felt in
that alleyway. The panic attacks, the depression, the fear that made me throw up every morning and
sob until my breaths turned short and fast and my heart constricted
All because of him.
Why? I whispered to myself.
It wasnt why to one thing in particular. It was so many whys that ran through my mind too

fast to stop and analyse.

Why had I chosen him to kiss that day on the train?
Why did I give him my wallet?
Why didnt I value myself throughout life enough to avoid that man in the bar?
Why did I agree to see him in the club?
Why did I let him into my house?
Why did I sleep with him?
Why did I fall in love with him?
Why did I believe him when he told me he would never lie?
And why the hell was I blaming myself for all of this?
This was his fault, right? This was all on him, yet somehow I felt like Id contributed to it just
as much. I willingly went along with everything he had thrown my way, ignoring the dark part of him
and choosing to live in ignorance because of a selfish need to feel loved.
I played with fire, and it finally set me ablaze.
I just never thought itd hurt this much.
*****
I sat on the ground of my bedroom for who knows how long. The suns rays disappeared, casting
darkness into every corner of the room. My body continued to shake, my eyes ached, and my stomach
growled from hunger.
Oh, how the world could change in such a short amount of time!
Its unpredictability was impressive, because I truly thought I had my road in life all mapped
out. I expected potholes, sure, but I never anticipated sinkholes big enough to swallow me whole.
Claire?
The bedroom door creaked open, and I looked up in my flustered state to see Emily standing
in the doorway. She stared at me with this tender concern that I wanted nothing more than to rip off.
Had she hurt me too in some way I didnt know about? Had Mom? Had anyone Id ever gotten close
enough to misused my trust and gotten away with it?
Go away, I told her hoarsely.
Whats happened?
I shook my head in response and felt the angry tears drop. Where were they coming from?
What part of me had this endless supply of tears that refused to turn off? My face felt raw from it all.
I heard her footsteps in the room. She dropped down next to me and put an arm around my
shoulder.

Claire, please talk to me, she pleaded. Tell me whats wrong?

I looked at her. The softest blue eyes Id ever seen stared back at me.
No, I thought, shed never hurt me. Nor would Mom. They werent monsters. Theyd never
used me. Theyd never want me to hate myself.
My heart hurts, I simply told her.
She took me into her arms and I cried, feeling it come from the shattered soul of my being. I
had fallen so hard, and from the start, no one was ever going to be there to catch me.
I was broken.

Chapter Twenty
Never make Ben your enemy
How do you function when you felt dead on the inside?
For the first few days I didnt wake up with the need to puke. I woke up and cried instead.
Interesting what a broken heart could do to you, replacing the old wounds from before with fresher,
deeper ones.
I went through every moment Id spent with him. How completely in the dark Id been. All
those days he answered calls in separate rooms. All the times he ducked out for errands. What sort of
morbid things had he been up to?
I thought of all the times he kissed me, felt me, and held me close to him with burning
passion. What did those moments really mean to him?
I remembered the look in his eyes every time they met my scars. The way he was always
desperate to touch them. His fascination for them should have been the warning sign I recognized
early on, right? I should have realized how unhealthy and obsessive-like it was for him.
But he blinded me.
Ben wasnt the best thing to ever happen to me. He was the worst, most vile thing to ever
walk into my life. He was a monster hiding in plain sight, and he was capable of all kinds of evil. He
intentionally hurt me. He wanted me to suffer before he acted like the gallant saviour, reappearing in
my life like he gave a shit.
How stupid of me!
As the hours passed, that depression morphed into bitterness that bred anger as strong as my
love for him was. What was that anger capable of doing?
Without thinking, I grabbed his apartment key and left the house with one motive in mind:
find out all about the man Id been sleeping next to.
*****
I stepped into the apartment, loathing the way it automatically made my body feel protected and
warm. I contemplated burning it down so I wouldnt have to feel that deceptive ease again.
I trudged up the staircase and went directly to the second room where his office was. I
opened the door and stepped inside, and was immediately assaulted by the smell of him lingering in
the air. I ignored the way my heart beat harder in my chest and the dam in need of bursting behind my
eyes.
It was time I turned those emotions off. That was the only way I could cope.
I looked around the room. He had a thick and sturdy jarrah wood desk with a green shade

lamp and an assortment of business papers neatly stacked on one corner. Rustic looking bookcases
adorned the walls, filled with heavy textbooks that looked ancient, collecting dust.
I tapped the spines of bookcases, hoping to hear a hollow sound. Id seen fake book storages
once before in a crime documentary years ago. And with all the revelations that had come to light
about Ben, I understood him to be a secretive man, and this was the kind of thing a secretive person
might do. It was a long shot, I knew that.
When I didnt hear anything, I went to his desk, opened drawers, and leafed through the
papers on his desk. All to no avail.
If hes a damn good master at secrecy, he wont be hiding shit in his apartment, dumbass.
Yeah, well, it was worth a shot. Hardman probably would have asked me to do this and
Bens not fond of snoopers.
I jumped and turned around, instantly feeling so fucking stupid for not checking to see if
Jamie was around.
Because he was, and hed just caught me red fucking handed.
Wearing jeans and the same black leather jacket, he was leaning against the doorway, hands
in his pockets. Staring at me with those sizzling blue eyes, I didnt feel the threat of what Id just done
lurking in their depths. He looked surprisingly relaxed and maybe even amused?
Hi, I stammered out, fidgeting as I shut the desk drawer and crossed my arms. I was
um
He waited a beat and smirked. You were um, what?
Too anxious to respond, I just stared stupidly at him.
What is it that youre looking for exactly? he asked, before adding swiftly, And dont lie
to me either. Us Costigans are very good discerners. So tell the truth, darling.
Tell the truth? How was I meant to do that to Bens brother? I thought quickly for a moment,
wondering if I could somehow merge the truth by omitting the truth at the same time. Totally fucked up
idea, but I was running on borrowed time.
Trying to get to know your brother, I said to him.
Youve been inseparable for a few months now, what could you possibly want to know?
Hes reserved. I always feel like hes holding back around me. Getting him to tell me
anything too personal is impossible.
And you thought youd find it in the drawers of his office room that he hardly frequents?
Well, fuck, this guy was cracking down on me like it was sport to him.
Well, Ill have you know he gave me his key here, I replied edgily. I doubt he cares if I
have a look around. Thats what girlfriends do. Besides, where else was I supposed to start in getting

to know him?
Jamies smirk intensified, and he gave me a look that made me feel stupid. How about his
brother for one?
Are you more open than him?
Oh, yes, he said, skimming me up and down. Im very open, Claire. Whatever you want,
Im more than happy to give.
I raised a brow at his flirtatious remark. What a peculiar man. Was he just as bad as Ben? I
reflected on his words to Ben, about wanting to take over his role. Bens refusal had really irked him.
But was it enough to resent him?
So what would you like to know?
When he pushed off the doorway and walked into the room, I felt nervous and caged in. He
was a lot broader and fuller than Ben, and that arrogance was impossible to miss. He had
troublemaker written all over him, and I couldnt help but think his calm and steady composure was a
faade. I was quite certain hed make a move on me if he thought he could get away with it.
His question prompted all of my own Id had of Ben, and it wasnt hard finding one to ask
straightaway.
Why doesnt he drive? I asked.
Youre asking the wrong thing first, he replied, tapping his fingers against the spines of
books the way I had. God, had he been there the entire time watching me?
I frowned. What am I meant to ask first?
The next question is meant to be your first.
Confused, I said, The next one is about your parents.
He smiled and eyed me roguishly. Precisely.
What the fuck?
Did he tell you how they went? he then said.
Car accident.
Wrong. Well, sort of. Car bomb is more accurate.
My brows shot up. What?
My father had enemies, even those closest to him were conspiring against him. He eyed me
warily now, cocking his head to the side. His double meaning was not lost to me.
Did it happen here?
No. It happened abroad many, many years ago. We went on a holiday. It was their wedding
anniversary we were celebrating. They went out for the evening one night, had invited Ben to join

them for dinner as I wasnt feeling well. He declined, and moments later BOOM.
He let me soak that in for a minute, and once again I tried to keep my emotions disconnected
from me. I knew if I opened the floodgates just a tad, Id be pitying him. The guilt hed have carried
for choosing to stay behind would have been unbearable.
Hes been thoroughly counselled about it, Jamie reassured me. It doesnt bother him on
an emotional level anymore. But its left him a little paranoid.
Does he have a reason to be paranoid?
He shrugged absently. I suppose, if were going to take into consideration he pisses
anybody off.
And has he pissed anyone off?
No. Up until you, hed been very disciplined and focused.
And why has that changed with me?
Because you mean something to him.
Yeah, Im just his morbid scar-faced fetish.
Ignoring his last line, I stated, So he doesnt drive or get into a familiar car because of his
parents death.
That would be the lasting effect, sure.
And what has their death done to you? I asked curiously.
That smirk lost its intensity, but his gaze was still locked up tight to mine. Definitely not
paranoia. And were not talking about me.
He took a few steps closer to me, and I backed up to keep him a safe distance away.
Have I answered all you need to know? he said quietly.
No, but I nodded anyway.
Good, he said, moving in closer. Im going to say this once because I dont think it needs
repeating. Ben loves you. Dont abuse that love, because just one act of betrayal will turn your lover
into your enemy. And let me tell you this from the sincerest part of my rotten heart, never make Ben
your enemy.
He didnt wait for me to respond, but for a split second I did see the sincerity in him. He
cared for his brother. That much was clear. But what the hell did that mean to me anymore? Jamie
obviously didnt know about the ugly that resided in his older brother, and I wasnt going to be stupid
enough to tell him all about it.
Besides, maybe he was just as good of an actor as him. And judging by what he said to me
once, I was certain he knew about his brothers taste in scarred women.
He turned away from me and was nearing the door when I said, Jamie.

He stopped and looked back at me.

You said he likes broken things. What did you mean?
Jamie shook his head. Nothing. I was drunk. I would have said anything to piss you off.
Really?
Yes.
Liar.
He walked out, shutting the door behind him. I collapsed into the office chair and rubbed my
chest where my heart was still thunderously beating away. It took me thirty minutes to summon the
courage to leave, and by then Jamie was gone.

Chapter Twenty-One
Revenge
PRIVATE NUMBER CALLING
I stared at my flashing, muted phone. Once upon a time those words on my screen would
have made me jump up and down with excitement. Now I just felt disgusted. I had no desire to
answer. The last thing I wanted was to hear his voice. He was oblivious to my week of turmoil, and
there was no way I could be around that ignorance and pretend all was fine and right.
I turned the phone off and threw it in the drawer of my desk. Then I continued cleaning the
room Id smashed to bits a week ago. After I finished, I went down to the kitchen and grabbed a can
of soda and the leftover pizza box Emily ordered for herself last night. I took it up to my bedroom
and, without giving a fuck anymore of what might come up in the morning, I sat in my bed and ate
every bit of it.
I lay down afterwards to digest and flicked through my Kindle. Deciding on a depressing
novel, I read parts of Wuthering Heights, trying for the millionth time to connect to Heathcliff and his
sadism. I wondered, just as Heathcliff masterfully sought his revenge, if I could somehow do the same
to Ben. Could I be capable of pretending all was fine, and would I really enjoy watching his world
come crashing down once he was put away for good?
Was revenge going to bring me light in the end? Was it going to shed some clarity in the
murky waters Id submerged myself in? Or would I just feel emptier than I already did?
Time to find out, Claire.
Suddenly a woman on a mission, I put the kindle down and got out of bed. I searched for the
card Detective Hardman gave me right before I left the station. I found it in the pocket of my shorts in
the laundry pile. I grabbed the phone out of the drawer ignoring the five missed calls from Ben
and dialled his number.
It was time to get even.
*****
You didnt always have to hear or see something to know it was there. Sometimes your body sensed it
long before your mind registered.
In this case, my body was aware of him before I opened my eyes and had my first thought. He
entered the bedroom and loomed over me. I was on my side, my back to him. I didnt know how long
he stood there, but at some point I finally opened my eyes and stared at the wall, waiting for him to
make a move. He didnt say a word as the sound of his clothes coming off hit my ears.
The mattress dipped, and his hand touched my hip. I flinched, and I was sure it was a
giveaway I was awake.

Hey, he said guardedly, his mouth close my ear. Its me, beauty.
Beauty.
I held my breath and waited for the pain in my chest to pass, but it didnt. My heart picked up
pace and my skin tingled warmly. How could I be feeling such good emotions when everything inside
of me wanted to scream and push him away?
I tried calling you to tell you I got back, he said, running his lips along my bare shoulder.
The December summer heat had me in nothing but my singlet and panties. I felt vulnerable,
wanting nothing more than to cover my skin so there was a barrier between his touch.
I misplaced my phone, I lied.
He wrapped an arm around my waist and tugged me against his bare chest, further
enveloping me in his scent. I missed you.
Yeah? Didnt seem like it. You didnt call.
I couldnt.
Right. I shut my eyes and tried to endure his gentle touch, knowing already it wasnt real. He
was a lie.
His hand dipped below my shirt and his fingers grazed my stomach before descending lower
and lower. I flinched when he inched his way into my panties and squirmed uncomfortably. My body
both heated in lust and tensed in disgust.
Please stop, I pleaded in a whisper. My throat closed and tears threatened to surface.
He instantly stopped and pulled out. Whats the matter? he asked cautiously.
Fuck. I didnt know what to do at this point. I reflected quickly on Hardmans words.
Do not let him suspect you.
Youre the last person hes threatened by. Keep it that way.
Be the same as you were before.
Im just feeling sick, I lied again, hoping my voice didnt give me away.
Not sick enough to eat judging by the pizza.
Its because of the pizza. Stomach ache. And Im worried any motion will make me throw
up.
Is it too much motion to ask you to kiss me?
I gingerly twisted my head and felt his cool mouth over mine. His hand touched my face
delicately as he kissed me. He was so gentle about it, and it twisted me even worse.
When he finally pulled away, he whispered, I missed these lips.
I missed yours too. Half of a lie.

I went back to my position and prayed for sleep. I wouldnt survive the night if he expected
more from me.
Thankfully he didnt, but his grip around me never loosened even long after he fell asleep.
He held me like I belonged to him, and for a moment I pretended this last week had never happened. I
wanted to pretend for a minute that he wasnt responsible for my pain and that he hadnt marred
someone like he marred me. He could never offer an explanation that Id forgive, but in a way I
wanted to give him the opportunity. There was so much to be said and it sat at the tip of my tongue,
but I had to keep my mouth shut.
Because at the end of the day he was a criminal.
And he had to be put away for all the hurt he was responsible for; mine and all the women he
destroyed before me.
*****
I pretended to be happy the next morning. I threw on a black and white skirt and white top. He
changed into clean clothes out of his suitcase and we went out for breakfast. We found a nice place
nearby and ate at a table outside. The heat was oppressive, but the overhead cover offered some cool
shade.
How was your trip? I asked him, forcing a smile.
Long, he answered. Its good to be back and with you.
I could hardly look at him eat while I kicked around my food. This fucker had no idea I knew
everything, and looking at him felt like a kick in the gut. My body trembled. I wanted so much to
inflict pain on him the way he did to me.
But I just plodded on through.
Hows your mother? he then asked.
Good. Having cut myself off of everyone, I hadnt talked to her in over a week, but the
move had made her really happy. I was sure nothing changed in a weeks time.
So I have a confession, I declared, trying not to get annoyed by his constant need to stare at
me. It made me constantly aware of my faade, and the amount of times I caught myself beginning to
glare at him disturbed me.
Is that so? he said with a smile. What is it, little lady?
Little lady. I wished hed stop with that stupid nickname. It wasnt cute. It wasnt endearing.
I hated it now.
Well, you gave me your apartment key and well, you know how what happens when you
give a woman your key, right?
He chuckled, and even that sounded like a fucking wailing dog. I take it you went to my
apartment?

And?
He shrugged. Snooped?
I nodded slowly. I had to bring this up. He needed to hear it from me in case Jamie opened
his bloody mouth and beat me to it. And if it was said by him first, that would have made Ben
suspicious. And what was Ben like when he was suspicious? I didnt want to know.
Yes, I admitted coyly. I did. I went everywhere, including your office. It was only after
Jamie found me that I felt so guilty. Then I realized you might be very upset by that
You were alone with Jamie? he interrupted, all humour gone.
I didnt know he was there.
So you were.
Well, yes.
A look of anger flashed through him, and it made my insides coil. How had I ever found this
man attractive when his anger was set off so quickly?
What happened between you two? he then asked, tightly.
Now I was genuinely confused. We just talked.
About?
I wanted to know about you and he offered some explanations that helped.
He abandoned his food and looked away from me, balling a hand tightly. Why couldnt you
come to me for explanations? he then let out, angrily.
You never say anything. Its always some reserved response
So you go behind my back and look for answers from my brother?
My heart spiked. I nervously said, He offered, and at that point I was too curious to pass
it up.
And what did my admirable brother tell you? he demanded bitterly.
I couldnt meet his eye when I muttered, He told me what happened to your parents, and the
reason you dont drive.
The silence that followed stretched on for minutes. When I willed myself to peek at him, that
anger from before was gone. In fact, his walls were too. He looked lost, and it was startling to
witness him so sad.
I should have died with them, he muttered reflectively. It should have been me. Id rather
it was me if it meant not seeing that hole in the earth. Everything burnt. Dead. I got this just by trying
to sort the mess out. He pointed to the scar above his eyebrow, and then he showed me the scars on
his knuckles. And these. Sharp, burning bits everywhere. The shrapnel cut into my knuckles as I
desperately tried to sort through the mess. Millions of pieces of metal and burnt flesh everywhere,

and you could smell it in the air. Pungent and overwhelming. You could never escape that smell. It
still follows me around like a shadow.
I didnt move. I dont even think I blinked. The look of pain on his face tore me to pieces,
and I hated that it wrecked me. I kept scolding myself to pull it together, to not feel, yet he looked so
human, and so like the man I fell in love with.
What was wrong with me?
I rested my hand over his, cringing and seeking it at the same time. It shouldnt have been
you, I lied, because it should have. If hed died, my life would have been whole.
Ben looked into my eyes just then. For a second I thought he caught my lie until he grasped
my hand tighter and said, I never wanted the life that was handed to me. It fell into my lap. It had
always been set for me, but I want nothing to do with it. I want out, and I dont have to start over here.
We can do it somewhere else. Nothing stopping us. Youve finished your schooling. I can leave
everything to Jamie. And we can get away from here and find some tropical paradise to live in.
We.
I tensed in my chair. Where would we go?
Anywhere you want.
I tried not to look warily at him.
Morocco, I said with a faint smile. You said you loved it there. Thats where Id go on
the first leg of our journey.
He smiled back, disarming me with what I would have thought was genuine affection. But
now it seemed like a smokescreen for something else.
Absolutely, he said. Morocco it is then. Well disappear just you and me.
Disappear.
I pressed my lips down to stop them from trembling.
If I went anywhere with him, Id disappear forever.

Chapter Twenty-Two
Youre mine.
That evening he took me to Kings Park, located on the business edge of the city. We walked hand in
hand across the botanical gardens, and I got lost in the scenery. It was peaceful and isolated. There
were enough people around that I didnt feel nervous to be alone with him.
And how crazy was that? I was scared to be alone with Ben.
Unbelievable.
I saw him from a different perspective. The way he glared at any man that checked my body
out. The way he possessively kept me close by to him, always making sure I was an arms length
away. The way he touched my scars repeatedly, staring at my face with a look of awe and lust. The
way he told me countless times in that gruff voice how exquisite he thought I was.
Id have loved it all before. And I still wished I did. I wished that what I was tricked into
believing was real, because my emotions were still the same.
And that was the cruel thing about love. You couldnt turn it off. You couldnt pretend it
didnt exist because it was outside logics control. It had its own selfish agenda, and it lived to cloud
your judgment and to trick you into believing there was more than what you were told.
We went to his apartment, and he took me straight into his bedroom. I couldnt put off sex,
even though I wanted to. That would have been a dead giveaway.
I want you in my bed, he said to me, pushing me to climb on to it. I want to fuck you til
you cant breathe. I havent been inside of you in forever and Im losing my mind.
I told myself to breathe, because being intimate with him scared me. The mattress dipped
behind me, and my being became acutely aware of him.
You want it from behind, beauty? he said in that hard voice.
I nodded. My throat was too thick for words. I just wanted this over and done with.
And yet, when his hand touched my body, it soared. Fucking soared for him. How could that
be? How could it yearn to be felt by a man that hurt me?
But it didnt care, and all at once everything around me blurred. I could hardly breathe or
make sense of it.
My emotions and thoughts clashed.
I loved him.
I loathed him.
I wanted to bring him close, and I wanted to push him away.

The warring of emotions inside of me made me feel like I was caught up in a whirlwind of
hate and love. But which was overpowering the other?
He pressed my face down against the mattress as he swiftly undid his belt. I shook with need
and cried with desperation. If I could only just look at him again Id choose ignorance over truth, if
only I could look at him the way I used to.
He threw my skirt up over my hips and took me hard and fast. My mouth opened and my eyes
glazed over as the feeling of pleasure swept me away into a place Id reserved deep inside of me. A
place where, once upon a time, he made me feel cherished and loved.
Tears burned down my face.
The truth.
That disgusting bitch of a thing called truth.
Id do anything to hide from it. Because its grip was cold as death around my neck, and it
was choking the life right out of me.
He was going to be the death of me.
Yet he took me there. He brought me to the precipice of pleasure, and I let myself fall. Let
myself believe in his lies.
When he finished, he collapsed next to me and tucked me into his side. He fell asleep,
completely oblivious to the woman against him the woman that hated herself for enjoying what he
just did to her.
*****
Open your eyes, he told me.
I opened them and saw his face looking back at me. He was on his side, facing me, and he
had the brightest smile on his face. Anger swirled in my chest at the sight of it. How could a monster
look so genuine?
I have something for you, he claimed.
And whats that? I garbled out.
Its something very pretty.
I tried to stir the deadness inside of me alive, but this morning it was particularly stubborn.
So if he wanted excitement, I couldnt offer it.
Okay, I said simply, show me.
First, tell me you love me.
I swallowed hard. I love you.
He couldnt question that. I was telling the truth, and it killed me to do it.

Those grey eyes warmed. He leaned into me and kissed me lightly. Its under your pillow.
I reached under my pillow and felt a long, thin box. I pulled it out. It was wrapped in
Christmas wrapping paper, and when I raised a brow and looked at him, he said, I couldnt wait
another week. I needed to see a real smile on your face now.
What do you mean real smile? I asked him curiously.
Youve been out of sorts, and you havent been open about it.
I told you Ive been feeling a bit sick
Thats not what Im talking about and you know it. His face fell and he stared gravely at me.
Youve hidden yourself from me. Dont think I cant read you, because I can, beauty. Probably better
than you can read yourself.
I was lost for words. I looked away from those penetrating eyes and stared at the box.
Stick as far to the truth as possible, I told myself.
I just feel like this is too good to be true, I explained quietly. Like Im somehow your
plaything until you get tired of me. And maybe everything youve ever told me has been said to others
before me. Ive been hurt a lot, but youre going to hurt me the most.
I took a deep breath before I looked at him again. He stared incredulously at me, and that hurt
look made me cry. I covered my face with one hand and set the box down. I sat up and turned away
from him. I was sure Id blown my cover. He probably knew I was on to him. Id said too much, but it
was the closest thing I could say without fully telling him everything outright.
But his arms wrapped around me quickly, and his chest pressed against my back.
Claire, he said hastily, Im not sure what Ive done to make you feel like that
I pulled away from him and stood up. I wiped away the tears and faced him. He was sitting up
now too, bare chested in nothing but his briefs. The sun that flooded through the windows made him
look like a fucking angel, and I would have believed it days ago. I might have crumbled then and there
too had I not run Melindas scars through my mind. He did that to her, and he did this to me, and the
difference was I didnt want to be a photo sliding across a table in some police station, horrifying
another poor victim.
Who was before me? I demanded.
His brows came together. What do you mean?
Who were you with before me? I heard Jamie say her name once. Why cant you say it to me
now?
Melinda was her name.
And how long was that relationship?
Six months. But she was hardly a relationship to me.

Why?
Because wed been more friends than anything else.
And when did your friendship-slash-relationship end?
He looked puzzled at my series of questions. Long before you, Claire.
And why did it end?
His jaw locked tight. She betrayed me.
How did she betray you?
His face darkened. Secrets.
A chill danced down my spine. What did he mean by that?
So you let her walk away? I eventually asked, ignoring the fear warning me to stop pushing
for answers.
Of course I let her walk away. Liar.
And would you let me walk away?
He froze, and then all at once he jumped out of the bed, present long forgotten. I backed away
from him as he tried to approach me.
Would you? I pressed. If I told you I wanted out right here and now, would you let me
go?
No, he answered solemnly, stopping in his steps. I wouldnt.
What if I had a secret?
Even if you had a secret.
Why?
Because youre mine.
The possessive tone in his voice chilled me to the bone. Hardmans words echoed inside of
me. Youre his property.
Im not yours, I boldly replied, uncaring of the consequences. Im not some possession,
Ben.
No, youre not a possession, he retorted sharply, towering over me. Youre my heart. You
possess me. And I cant live without my bloody heart. I refuse to. Youre mine and Im yours, and
thats how its always going to be. So theres no way in hell youre going to pull out of this after
watching me fall for you. I wont let you.
He took one step closer to me and gripped me by the arm. Those grey eyes tore through my
own as he growled, And you better start getting that through your head. Youre not going anywhere.
Too speechless to respond, he turned away from me and strode out, slamming the door shut

behind him.
Never before had I been more confused about anything in my life. I couldnt tell what was
real and what wasnt. I could feel his love, and that couldnt be faked.
Or could it?
Was this all a part of his game?
After some time, I grabbed the gift and tore the wrapping off. I opened the glossy box and
saw a gold chain necklace with a beautiful green and blue boulder opal in an oval shape hanging from
the chain. It must have been at least three carats.
My breath thinned and my body tensed.
What kind of monster would buy his plaything over a thousand dollars worth of jewellery?

Chapter Twenty-Three
I can and I will
He hadnt said a word about our disastrous morning. He simply dressed and left the apartment,
claiming he had business to sort out. I got dressed and left just as fast, ignoring Jamies paralysing
glances on my way out. Did he hear our conversation? He slept in the third bedroom and I wasnt sure
how soundproof these walls were.
I was on my way home when my phone rang. I picked up upon seeing Hardmans number,
and didnt get to say anything before he beat me to it.
Pull over in the parking lot of the grade school around the corner to your house, Claire, he
told me before hanging up. My partner and I will be waiting.
I did as they asked and pulled into the parking lot. A grey sedan was parked in the far back
corner alongside a fence. Hardman was standing tall with his back against the drivers side door, and
a redhead woman was standing in front of him. They both stopped talking and turned to me. I saw the
womans young face pulled into a grim look that made me think whatever conversation they were
having was not a friendly one.
I carefully stepped out of the car and faced them.
How are you doing, Claire? Hardman asked me with a worried look on his face.
I wanted to say I was doing alright. That I was pulling up well. That it wasnt effecting me.
But I couldnt seem to manage the words out. My eyes immediately filled with tears.
I dont know if I can do this, I admitted in a broken voice. When hes with me, hes so
genuine. Like he really loves me.
Christ, why the hell was I saying this to them? It wasnt like theyd care, but I needed them to
remind me why I was doing this. To reiterate what had been said to me so I really didnt imagine the
entire thing.
I know, I know, he soothingly replied on a sigh, running his hand through his hair in
resignation. If Id known this would happen, Id have reached out sooner. Im sorry, Claire. Im
sorry for all your pain. I feel like its my fault somehow. Maybe pulling out would be best.
No, it wouldnt, the redhead retorted. She looked at me hard and said, That man has been
through countless women. So dont stand there and think youre special, Miss Landon.
Stop it, Hardman told her gruffly.
No, she argued. Tell her about the damn footage if she doesnt believe me.
What footage? I asked.

Hardmans jaw ticked as he glared at her before he turned to me. Marla and I found some
footage for you of the night you were attacked. Costigan was a block away. CCTV footage captured
him speaking to Joshua Malik before they parted ways three hours prior to the attack. So were getting
that investigation going for you, even if you pull out.
You cant pull out! Marla hissed, taking a step closer to me. Her hard face softened a tad
when she saw the tears falling from my eyes. Weve already told you hes got a big deal coming up.
We dont know when, but weve got insiders saying its coming soon. Now what hes going to do is
see a man, and we need to know the time and place.
What goes on there?
Its just a business transaction, but its Bens men that do the pick-up. Now the problem is
we wont be able to link the pick-up with Costigan, so we need proof of this business deal.
And how are you going to get that?
Marla turned to Hardman and motioned to the car. Hardman opened the door and took out a
case. He opened it and showed me a classy mens watch. I stared dumbfounded at the two.
Whats that going to do? I asked.
Its got a built in recording device, Marla answered, pulling the watch out of the case.
You press the two oclock button two times to start it, and it records for six hours. When you know
hes on his way, you press the button and you give us the time and place so we can intercept the
money and arrest Costigan. By then well have the interaction recorded as proof of intent, and the
evidence will be the money.
I stood nervously, playing her words through in my head. Can I give him the watch on
Christmas day?
No, we have reason to believe its going to happen very soon. You must do it as soon as
possible. See him today. Make sure things are good, and keep an ear out because were inches to the
finish line.
I rubbed my face and exhaled. I want to see the footage. When this is all said and done, I
want to see it. I want to see it so I can put this whole mess behind me and never turn back again.
I felt a small hand on my shoulder. She squeezed it gently and said, Claire, youre
incredibly strong, and you can do this. Well show you whatever you want. Were here for you.
Okay?
I nodded, sniffing back the tears.
They placed the watch case in my car and repeated their instructions a few more times
before they got into their car and took off. I dragged myself into mine and sat in the empty parking lot
for what seemed like hours.
Their words numbed me.
Footage. They had footage of him talking to

I slammed my hands against the steering wheel and screamed at the top of my lungs.
Then I grabbed the watch case and stared down at it with fire in my heart.
I was going to ruin him.
*****
Feeling strangely at ease by the time I made it home, I found Emily on the porch, decorating the railing
and door with green and red tinsel. Miles was helping out, chatting up a storm while she crept away
from him every time he got too close.
She looked relieved when she saw me. Hey you! she smiled.
No sign of my previous breakdown, I smiled back. Hey to you too. Youre doing Moms
job really well. I wouldnt have decorated.
Well, were not all boring like you, she said.
Miles laughed a little too hard. Funny.
I watched her for a few minutes. You know, I know Ive been here for like ten years, but
its still weird seeing Christmas in summer.
Thats the only kind of Christmas I know, she replied. Maybe we should see a white
Christmas next year or something.
Yeah, I passively said while thinking, if Im alive by then.
Ive always wanted to see a white Christmas, muttered Miles. We didnt acknowledge
him.
Your Mom called, by the way, said Emily. Says youve dropped off the radar and is
unimpressed with you.
I cringed. Yeah, Ill call her back now then. See you guys later.
Once in my room, I called her. After she finished scolding me, we made small chat before I
broached her on a subject Id been meaning to since hell decided to take a shit on my life.
I want to ask you something, I said.
Go on then.
If you could go back in time and you knew Dad had lied to you about everything before he
got caught, would you have done something to him?
She paused, taking several seconds to answer. Like what?
I dont know. Anything.
I guess I would have just put him away sooner.
Wouldnt you want him to suffer more?
She chuckled wryly. Hes suffering just fine behind bars. The crimes he did were

despicable. He hurt a lot of people.

And is he hurting enough behind bars, do you think?
Well, she sighed, its not about him hurting, Claire, its about who he cant hurt
anymore.
I nodded, shutting my eyes in understanding. Yeah. But what about you? Did that kind of
revenge make you feel better in the end?
No, she answered honestly. The happiness revenge offers is fleeting, but your emotions
always catch up to you in the end. It broke me. But I had you, and I needed to remember to be strong
and independent.
I reflected on that.
Claire, she then said, why do you ask?
No reason, I lied. Anyway, how are things going between you and Kevin?
Amazing. Im finally in his good graces after I pulled back on him.
Thats very good, Mom. That made me so happy to hear.
And how about you and Ben? Is that man still as perfect as when I met him?
Not wanting there to be a pause big enough to make her question things, I steadfastly replied,
Oh, yeah. Definitely, Mom. Hes amazing.
Thats great. Im so happy for you, Claire. I had a good feeling about that man. You hold on
to him.
Yeah. Id hold on to him and let go when he was high enough to break.
When I got off the phone with her, I kicked about the house for a few hours. Then I had a
quick shower and changed into a white summer dress. I put more make-up on than usual, enough to
make my eyes pop out like glowing orbs. Then I carefully put the necklace Ben gifted me around my
neck. After I felt and looked good, I pulled out some wrapping paper and messily wrapped the watch
case. I placed it in my purse and headed back out.
The sky darkened on my way back to Bens place. And while on the road, I pep-talked
myself.
Fuck him, I said bitterly. Dont you dare let him fool you. You have to do this right.
Youre strong. Youre a strong woman and you can do this.
I can and I will.

Chapter Twenty-Four
I trust you
He had a guarded expression when he opened the door to me.
I looked apologetically back at him. The only way this was going to work was by
channelling all the good things I felt for him. Lying with the truth, right?
Can I come in? I asked him, appearing unsure.
He widened the door and I stepped in. He slammed it shut and I jumped at the force of it. He
was still in a shit mood, his face twisting into a frown. I faced him and immediately dived into
apology mode.
Ben, Im sor
What the hell happened this morning, Claire? he snapped.
I shrugged. I dont really know.
You dont know? You cant tell me what was going through your goddamn head when you
started interrogating me?
Maybe Im PMSing? I didnt give him an opportunity to respond. Look, I messed up.
After your left, I was alone and had all these thoughts in my head. I felt so insecure and inadequate.
You could be with anyone you want, and yet you choose me and
He didnt rescue me with reassurances. He just stood there, waiting for me to continue. I
didnt like his indifference. It worried me.
Be. Honest.
I sighed and said in a harder voice, I was stupid. It was all my fault. I I led myself to
believe for a minute that I couldnt trust you. That what we have isnt real to you. That you never
really gave me your heart. It destroyed me and I lashed out at you, and it was wrong.
The tension in his bones gradually gave out. He relaxed and exhaled long and slow. I
watched that anger trickle away, replaced by warmth. He took my hand into his and ran his thumb
over my knuckles. His other arm wrapped around me and brought me against his chest. I buried my
face into him, suspending my current hate in order to live and breathe all of him in now. I hated the
way my body responded to it.
Im not going anywhere, he told me. I love you, I wont deceive you, and I will catch you
every time you fall. Because I trust you, and I know youd do the same for me.
My being split into two. I couldnt cope when in these moments I felt like he was telling the
truth. But the voice inside my head pushed on through, telling me to focus.

He pulled back and I felt his fingers around my neck. I looked down to see him running them
over the opal necklace. I see you opened your present, he murmured.
I smiled softly at him. Yes. Its beautiful.
Beautiful on you. I walked up and down the jewellery aisle, looking for something that was
perfect for you. I was around three other men doing the same thing, and we were all equally lost.
Yeah, well, you knocked me away with this one.
It sort of represents you. I saw the green shimmering in the light while it went blue in
different angles. Like an opal, there are so many different sides to you, and theyre all equally
beautiful.
I hardened my heart, not allowing his words to find their way in. Thats really romantic,
and that actually reminds me. I got you something too, as a thank you for this.
His eyes glowed and his brow shot up. Is that right?
I nodded. Sit on the couch.
I pulled the gift out of my purse when he sat down. Standing behind him, I took several
deep breaths before I took a seat next to him and held the gift out. I stared at the terribly wrapped box
and suppressed the panic that burst through me, making my skin break out in sweat.
Completely oblivious of the havoc raging inside of me, he took it out of my grasp, and it was
then I realized that the wheels were now in motion. He eyed me with a radiant smile on his face,
remarking jokingly about my wrapping skills before he tore it apart. All the while I stared on with
indecision, like this was all a mistake and I needed to take it back. It was getting harder to breathe,
harder to think, and harder to keep still when my body was throbbing at this deception.
He looked at the box, turning it over before he pulled off the lid and stared at the watch. He
stared at it long and hard with a thoughtful expression.
Wow, he finally muttered, this must have been expensive, beauty.
It took me longer than normal to answer. When he glanced up at me, I shrugged. I told you I
have a bit of money from my inheritance.
He raked his eyes over my face, not sparing an inch as he studied me. Then he looked back
down at the watch and pulled it out.
Help me put it on? he asked.
I took the watch from him and shakily set it over his wrist. Meanwhile, he continued to
observe me closely. You alright?
I nodded, unable to speak. By some miracle, I managed to strap it on, and when I did, I drew
in a deep breath and relaxed into the couch. It felt unusually cold against my flesh. In fact, everything
felt cold.
Thank you, Claire, he then said, faraway in thought. Its the first time Ive been gifted a

watch. You really shouldnt have.

Still unable to speak, I offered him a smile.
Did you have a hard time picking it out too? He asked, taking my hand in his. Was it hard
for you as it was for me?
Avoiding his eyes, I cleared my throat and said, No. It was my first and only choice.
Lucky you.
I looked down at the hand he took with mine and stared at the watch. I felt sick.
Im going to the bathroom for a second, I told him a short while later. I didnt wait for a
response. I stood up and hurried away from him.
I locked myself away in the bathroom gripped the basin with each hand. This was so much
harder than it was supposed to be. After everything Id been told I shouldnt have been feeling
anything for him. Yet watching him wear that watch had split me open. I felt weak and conflicted, and
I was still on the verge of rushing back out there and tearing it off.
I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. Minutes passed and soon he would be
questioning my disappearance. I stood up straight and stared at the mirror. I didnt like the person
staring back at me. Her eyes looked dead, and her confidence had disappeared.
I turned back around and opened the door. I walked quietly back to the lounge when his
hushed voice halted me.
No, were not doing it there. I want you at my warehouse in two hours time. You meet me
there and hand me the key and tell me where the drop off is. Well sort the details when I get there.
Understood? Good.
I heard the sound of a phone beep and knew hed gotten off. I waited a few more moments
before I strolled back in. Ben was still seated on the couch, looking down at his watch with a look of
melancholy Id never seen before.
Hey, I said, sitting back down next to him.
He didnt look up at me. Hey, beauty.
I took his hand into my own, surprised to see he was a little stiff. You alright?
He looked up at me and nodded. Yeah. Unfortunately I got a call. I have to go and run some
errands. Will you be here when I get back?
I nodded. Sure.
He got up and changed into a business suit, taking his time wandering the house as he got
ready to go. I recapped the words he said on the phone, knowing this was what Hardman and his
partner had been waiting for. Which meant I needed to start that watch.
Hed taken his watch off as he changed into his clothes and left it on the dresser in his
bedroom. I nervously took it and pressed the button twice as instructed and placed it back. He joined

me moments later, straightening his suit jacket before grabbing the watch.
You dont have to wear it, I told him, figuring reverse psychology might work.
He eyed me as he buckled it up around his wrist. Why?
Well, you took it off. If you dont like it
I like it just fine, Claire. I took it off to wash my hands. Wouldnt want this to get wet and
all.
I simply nodded in return. Okay.
His pace was slow on his way to the foyer, like he was weighed down my something. When
he made it there, he turned to me and landed a soft kiss against my mouth.
Ill be back soon, he told me.
I nodded. Ill be waiting.
He stood still for a few moments, watching me intensely. Then he turned and opened the
door. His name was on the tip of my tongue just begging to be let out so I could stop him from leaving,
but I kept my mouth shut.
He shot me one last look before closing the door behind him.

Chapter Twenty-Five
Kill you with my bare hands
As soon as he left the apartment, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and stared down at Hardmans
number. This was it. This was the exchange hed been waiting for.
My body was screaming to put the phone down. For a short while I contemplated this, tried
to rationalize it in my head. He scarred me in the most abominable way, sure, but maybe he truly fell
in love with me. Maybe he never felt this way for anyone else, and maybe he hated himself for hurting
me.
I set the phone down on the bed and nodded at my desperation. Yeah, when he got back, Id
tell him I knew about everything, and then hed beg for my forgiveness and have the perfect
explanation for all of this. Then I would stop hating him and everything would be alright again.
My stomach knotted as I paced the room.
Body was conquering mind, and I was allowing it. But mind fought back until it was
screaming at me internally.
Stop and think, Claire! Think of everything youve been through. He was there that night.
He sent that man to ruin you.
I stopped and stared at my reflection. I was going to love myself again. I was going to look at
the face staring back at me and see someone normal and strong. But the only way that was going to
happen was by stepping out of this cage and doing it on my own. Because when you started depending
on someone else to make you happy, they had the power to hurt you too.
I turned around and grabbed the phone. I dialled the number and put it to my ear.
Miss Landon, Hardman said tentatively. Any news?
Yeah, I whispered, fighting away the pain. He made the call.
******
There was nowhere in my being I could escape the tension tightening with every passing second. I felt
helpless, and the silence didnt make matters any better.
I shook as I gathered my belongings, making sure I left nothing behind. I needed to get out of
here. I stepped out of the bedroom and walked down the hallway. It was done and I was numb.
But just as I reached the stairs, the front door of the apartment opened. I froze and held my
breath. What was he doing back? Itd only been twenty minutes. Did he forget something? Or did he
know what I did?
Fuck! What if he figured it out? I turned around, fear gripping me, and stared into the
hallway. There was nowhere I could go to escape him.

I pulled my phone back out of my pocket and dialled the police. My finger lingered on the call
button when voices broke through the air.
Are you sure itll be just us? asked a woman. I dont want to be around if Bens here.
Yes, he told me hell be out for a couple hours and had the place to myself, answered
Jamie. So we can get down to business straight away if youd like.
As long as were out of here right after.
Sounds good to me.
I felt confused. Why would Ben tell him he had the place to himself if he knew I was already
here? Was Jamie lying?
The sound of kissing and moans followed. Ugh. Not wanting to intrude, I looked back at the
bedroom. I couldnt go back in there though. I had to get out of here as soon as possible.
With a sigh, I went down the stairs just in time to see them collapse on the leather couch, the
woman on top of Jamie. My footsteps were heard, and her blonde head shot up to look at me.
Oh, fuck, Jamie, she cursed, moving right off of him.
Jamie followed her line of sight and then exhaled exasperatedly. Its fine. Shes Bens
girlfriend.
Then hes here!
No, hes not.
And Im about to go, I said, plastering a fake smile on my face. So dont mind me. I
moved quickly in the direction of the door.
Wait! came the womans voice.
I stopped and turned around, watching her stand up and straighten her dress. She then came to
me. She was tall and remarkably beautiful with long blonde hair and pale green eyes. And she was
looking at me like I was the most exciting thing to ever grace the earth.
Youre Bens girlfriend? she exclaimed in awe.
Not anymore. Um I struggled, wanting to just get out of here.
Yes, she is, Jamie answered, moving to stand beside her. He smirked at me. Unless of
course hes proposed to you, which I wouldnt be surprised.
Proposed? The woman looked shocked. She glared at Jamie and said, You told me he
was having a hard time after me
Well, I thought he did until I crashed here a short while ago and saw otherwise. He then
cringed and said to me, You know, it would be best if you didnt tell him about this. Her place is
really far away, and I thought since Id have the place to myself that
Why didnt you tell me? she interrupted him.

He sighed. Because you would have reacted like this.

Like what?
All weird.
Im not weird. Im happy!
I eyed the front door. Look, I gotta go.
Whats your name? she then asked, moving in closer to me. Her eyes flickered to my scars,
but she still smiled, radiant as ever.
Claire, I said tiredly. And you?
She put her hand out. Melinda.
I froze. My body roared with the noise of my blood whooshing in my ears, and I gaped at
her. What?
Melinda, she repeated, waving her hand now so I could shake it.
But I stumbled back a step. Melinda what?
She dropped her hand and glanced at Jamie in confusion. Melinda Warren.
And now that blood drained straight out of me as I hardly withstood the shockwave upon
hearing her answer.
No. I shook my head violently. No, no, no.
NO!
Claire? said Jamie concernedly.
I pointed at the fake and moved away from both of them. Shes not Melinda. Thats-thats a
lie.
What do you mean? Jamie asked, moving to me slowly, as though I was a caged animal
that had broken free.
I continued pointing at her. Thats not Melinda. I saw Melinda Warren, and she she was
scarred, and she didnt look like her, and
Where did you see this person? Because I promise you, this is her.
My back hit the wall as I stared between both of them in bewilderment. Tears fell down my
face, trying to make sense of what he was saying.
The same Melinda that use to be with Ben? I anxiously asked.
The woman frowned. I was with him for a few months, sure. But we werent serious or
anything. I broke it off because She looked guiltily over at Jamie.
Oh, fuck. The truth was staring at me in the face.

This was why Ben was angry Id been around Jamie. This woman had cheated on him. With
his brother.
And you two are together?
She shook her head, but I could see the struggle in her face as she denied her feelings. No,
we just have fun every now and then.
Jamie was still staring hard at me, inching to me. Tell me whats going on.
I put a hand over my mouth as the shock continued to run through me. Puzzled, I tried to put
the pieces inside my head together, but I was so lost. So confused.
Why would they lie to me?
They said he scarred her, I choked out. They said he planned my attack. They said it was
all a lie and
Who said this? Jamie demanded, getting red with anger.
The police, I stammered out.
His back straightened, and something dawned on his eyes. Oh, fuck. Hardman?
I blinked at him. What?
He moved to me and gripped me harshly by the arm, twisting it as he pulled me into him and
screamed, Was it Hardman?!
Yes!
He let go and I stumbled back. The horrified look on his face confirmed what I had been
desperate to believe.
I really had been lied to.
The bastard has done nothing but try and get at him for years, Jamie said grimly. Not the
first time hes tried to turn Bens own against him with lies.
What do you mean?
I mean theyre desperate. They said these things to you, but did they have proof?
They have footage of Ben around the place I was attacked
Did you actually see it?
Wellno, but The room spun and my stomach churned. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I
told him I told him about the deal hes on his way to. Im so sorry!
What? Jamie froze. You what?
We have to go and stop him! I told Hardman he went to make a deal
FUCK! He raced into the lounge room and grabbed the keys off the table. Then he turned
back and stormed straight to the front door.

I took off after him. Stop! Let me go with you. We have to stop him and
He opened the door and faced me. His cold face halted me immediately as he took a step
forward and shoved me back. Pointing a finger in my face with stormy eyes, he growled out, You
fucked up big time, woman. You get the fuck out of here before Im back. And if I dont have Ben with
me when I walk back through this door, Im going to find you and kill you with my bare hands.
Then he turned around and slammed the door shut behind him.

Chapter Twenty-Six
You filthy little snake
I collapsed, palms flat on the floor as the world continued to spin.
What just happened?
What have I done?
I fucked up, I sobbed. I fucked up. I
I didnt just fuck up.
I fucked up bad.
The kind of bad I didnt think anyone could come back from whole again.
When I eventually stood up, I looked around helplessly. What could be done right now? My
emotions still hadnt caught up to the truth, and what the hell was the truth exactly? That Id been lied
to by the police? The people I least suspected had faked the entire thing in order to get to Ben?
Melinda was still standing in the same spot and she was looking like she too was out of
sorts. Without a word spoken, we stared at each other for a few minutes. I wrapped an arm around my
stomach as the emotional pain turned physical.
I fucked up, I repeated out loud in a steady voice.
She nodded. So I heard.
More silence.
Did you sell him out?
I nodded.
Fuck. You need to go. You do not want to be Bens enemy. I guarantee that.
I stared at her curiously. Are you one?
Yeah. I fucked up too. Played him to get to Jamie. Since then Ive been an unwanted entity
around these parts. Crossed-off-the-Christmas-card-list kind of thing and what have you. Her eyes
then widened as she looked at me. Certainly not the kind of fucked you are, but
More silence.
She wrung her hands together and checked the time. I never slept with him, by the way. Ben,
I mean. I played him, but I never In case you think Im some slut or anything.
Im sort of thinking about my own shit, to be honest, I replied.

Right. Well, then, I um I should really go. She grabbed her clutch off the table. If they
leave you in one piece, can you tell Jamie to call me?
I just blinked at her. Really? You seriously asking me this?
She cleared her throat. See you around Well, maybe.
She took off like a bat out of hell, leaving me completely alone in a giant apartment that
belonged to a man I loved and just fucked over. I should have left too, because I was certain Jamie
was not coming back with his brother. But I couldnt bring myself to go.
Instead, I wandered back into the lounge and plopped down on the couch. I stared ahead, lost
in a sea of regret, going over all the things Id blamed him for since being fed those lies. Id
misinterpreted everything hed done in order to use it against him.
I destroyed him.
And the worst bit was Id never stopped along the way to really doubt him. I believed
Hardmans faade of genuine concern more than the man whod been treating me like a queen these
last few months.
What did that say about me?
*****
Id decided to lay down, and as the hours passed, I found sleep somewhere along the way.
Then I opened my eyes, my body already tight from the heavy feeling in the air.
It was the feeling of knowing you werent alone.
The room was black, but the moon in the sky offered a bit of light through the tall window.
Enough for me to see the silhouette on the arm chair six feet away from me.
My heart picked up as I very slowly sat up. I should have been happy it was Ben, happy that
Jamie had somehow got to him before the police did.
But, instead, I just felt sick.
I didnt even know what to say. How do you open your mouth and find the right words to
explain how sorry you were after such a betrayal? There were simply no words. I was well passed
that point, I knew. It was too late for apologies.
Yet I couldnt not.
Im sorry, I trembled out, my throat thick with emotion.
He didnt move, or acknowledge my words in any way. For a second I didnt even think he
heard me. Not until his retort pierced through the still air, gutting me as though hed stuck a knife in
me.
Sorry? Youre sorry. His voice was devoid of emotion, but it was hard and scary to
listen to. You lied to me, tried to set me up, and betrayed me, and all you have to say is youre

sorry?
I swallowed, and the tears burned down my face. But I am. Im so sorry. They they lied
to me
Yes, they lied to you, he interrupted with a growl, but that was expected of them. What
wasnt expected was that you believed them.
What was I meant to believe? I was confused and scared! They said youd done horrible
things to other women. They had photos! Why would I doubt them?
He leaned forward, his face still hidden in the dark as he gritted out slowly, I have done
nothing but worship the ground you walk on. I gave you my honesty, my trust, my heart, and in return
you threw it all away because of what an obsessed man said to you. The animosity in him grew, until
that devoid voice broke with anger. And you thought I was stupid enough to fall for it?
How was I meant to know he was obsessed? Youve kept me in the dark the last few
months about what you do on the side
But I told you to trust me! I never gave you a reason to doubt me. And yet you did because
of some third party outside of our relationship. I truly thought you above all would not have believed
in that rubbish.
I wiped my face, offering no response. I felt like scum. I deserved to be treated like it too.
I might have been in jail right now, he continued, searing me with those eyes I could feel
burning holes through me. If thered truly been a business deal, and if you hadnt given me that fake
fucking watch, Id have been put away.
My brows came together in confusion. Hed known about the watch?
He read my face like an open book. Ive been doing this for years now. You think its the
first time Ive seen a watch like this? I knew the second you gave it to me what it was, and I knew
right then and there youd gone behind my back. But still, the fucking fool that I am didnt want to
believe it. So I orchestrated the whole thing. The phone. The time and place. All a lie in the hopes
you wouldnt really send me out that door. But you did, didnt you? You were looking to hang me out
to dry. And once I stepped foot out that door I discovered what you really were.
I didnt know, I interrupted adamantly. Im sorry, Ben! Im sorry
Dont you dare apologize to me, he cut back. Im the one thats sorry! Sorry for ever
looking at you, for every thinking that you were different, for ever loving you. Thats what Im sorry
for. I should have never come back. And to think, I spent months and months abroad ending every
business arrangement I had all across the world so I can come back here and start fresh and new with
someone I viewed as genuine and beautiful. Thats what I was really doing, you filthy little snake.
His words cut straight through me. I sank further into the couch, wanting to just disappear.
There was no fixing this.
No amount of sorry will do, he continued, leaning back now with ease. You made your
bed, and Ive learned a valuable lesson in all of this. Youre spineless and weak, and certainly not

worth my time. So get the fuck off my couch, grab all your shit, and get the fuck out of my apartment.
Youre not welcome here. You will never be welcome here. We are done. There will never be a
Claire and Ben. There will be just you and your foolish insecurities that worked to rid you of the best
thing that ever happened to you. So get out of here, Claire. Now.
He didnt even leave me alone to get my emotions in check. He crushed me, and I was hardly
able to stand without swaying. My head felt light, my body weak and slow, my mind a scrambled
mess. And all I could do was cry. Cry like a child.
It took me minutes to walk out of that room.
Minutes to grab my things.
Minutes that seemed to drag into what felt like an infinite amount of lifetimes.
All the while I felt him staring at me in the darkness, and while he was half a room away we
might as well have been on different planets in completely different galaxies.
I didnt say a word, nor did I turn back to look at him one last time. I was too ashamed of
myself. I wanted to get away and crawl into a hole and die if it meant forgetting my betrayal.
Stepping out of the apartment was the hardest thing I had ever done.
And the worst bit of all was never getting the chance to say goodbye.
*****
I didnt make it home. I pulled over on the side of the road and lay in the passenger seat of my car. I
sobbed my brains out, suffering in the heat and parched beyond belief. I watched the time slowly tick
on by. Watched the night sky dissolve. Blinding light followed; another day born, another opportunity
in ones ordinary life to either triumph or fail.
After some point Id exhausted my mind and stopped thinking. I felt like I was in stasis. My
being stopped. I just existed for a few hours before the sounds of cars jolted me into the now. Life all
around me swelled and it was time I caught up to it.
I sat up and climbed back into the passenger seat. I drove the rest of the way home, numb and
cold on the inside. This was a different sort of heart break. The acute kind that wasnt shy to stick its
horrid fangs into my heart and suck it dry.
I pulled into my driveway, and I should have been very fucking upset to see Hardman standing
there on my porch, looking equally exhausted with his cheap suit wrinkled and sweat-ridden.
But I wasnt.
I stepped out of my car and stared at him, no emotion on my face as I pulled my house key out
and climbed up the porch steps. I passed him along the way, ignoring him to make my point that he
was unwelcome.
Ive been trying to reach you, he said, his voice hard and unhappy.

I didnt reply.
We went to the warehouse you told us about, and we found nothing, Claire. What the hell
happened, darling? Did he find out?
I kicked the door of my house open and slowly turned to him.
What happened, I started slowly, is that you lied to me about everything, and you cost me
everything too.
His face didnt give way to any emotion. He just stared at me, not skipping a beat.
You took advantage of someone who didnt value herself yet, I said quietly. You twisted a
traumatic moment in her life just so you could selfishly win a case against a man you simply have no
case against. You lie, you put people through hell, and you throw morals in their faces, meanwhile,
youre worse than the scum you put away.
I took a step closer to him, so he could see my bloodshot eyes radiating with the deadness I
felt inside. So how about you go fuck yourself, Detective Hardman?
I turned away from him and went to step inside when his hand grabbed at my arm to stop me.
Claire, he said, we did what we had to do. Hes a horrible, dangerous man.
Yeah? I shot him a look over my shoulder before I whipped my arm out of his grip. Prove
it.
I walked into my house and slammed the door on his face, regretting just a little bit that I
didnt spit in it instead.
Then I trudged up the stairs and broke into Emilys room. I collapsed into her bed, waking her
up instantly and grabbed at her. I sobbed into her arms and held her to me.
And Emily fucking Jones, the best friend that ever lived, held me right on back.

Chapter Twenty-Seven
Healing
Four months later
Four months had done nothing to make me feel better. I still felt like shit. Like really old, disgusting,
shit-from-a-Camel, kind of shit.
But I plodded on through. Because no matter how heart-broken you were, and no matter how
impassioned you were with life, the world still turned. You had to keep putting one foot in front of the
other and take it one day at a time.
I sobbed. I ached. I fumed. I barely ate. I couldnt sleep.
But I still moved.
Because moving was a way of healing, and I was healing in my own way.
I drew a lot of sketches. I went out for fresh air. I went to the movies with Emily, and we ate
horrible take-out every single day.
I gained five pounds.
Then I gained ten.
Then I joined the gym and tried to get into shape.
Then I barely went to the gym because, well, who the fuck hasnt abandoned their gym
membership at some point in their life?
I graduated from school and Mom was there to cheer me on. Then I joined the real world and
churned out resume after resume. For every twenty resumes I got one call back, but I was yet to get a
job.
And through all of this, there wasnt a moment not one single second that went on by that
I didnt think of him. I yearned for Ben Costigan more and more each day, but he was gone, and I
didnt know where to.
Id showed back up at his apartment a week after he told me to get out. I was desperate and
ready to crawl on the floor, kiss his feet, and grovel to give me another chance. But it was Jamie that
opened the door, and it was Jamie that told me he was gone.
Whens he coming back? Id demanded.
Jamie looked at me coldly. Hes not coming back, Claire. Hes left the country. Left the
apartment to me. Left everything to me.
I need to get a hold of him.

Not happening.
He shut the door on my face and that was the end of that.
However, that didnt mean I was giving up. Four months may have passed since that horrible
day, but I was just as in love with him as ever, and all I wanted to do was tell him.
I was full of unsaid words, and if I couldnt voice them to his face, I would just have to pen
them down on paper. So I sat down and wrote him a letter a letter I wasnt even sure hed ever
read.
But I needed it out of my system.
*****
Ben,
Im not going to tell you how sorry I am. I know you dont want to hear it. I know its not enough
to fix this.
I hurt you, and it kills me to have done it. You were right. I didnt stop to doubt what I was being
told. I think I was waiting for something to ruin us from the get-go because it had always felt too
good to be true. I didnt value my worth, and it cost me you.
But this letter isnt about that. This letter is to say thank you. You may have been in my life for a
brief amount of time, but youve touched it in a way thatll last a lifetime. You taught me to love
myself, to accept who I am, and to let go of the past that dragged me down.
While I still wake up in cold sweat some mornings, the heartache of our breakup has eased it
remarkably. My soul weeps for you. My body aches to touch you. My ears yearn to hear your
voice. My lips beg to be kissed.
I should wish for the panic attacks than relive the pain of losing you every morning, but I
strangely find it bittersweet. Because they remind me that I did have you once and that you still
pierce my soul. I dont think a day will come when that pain will lessen, and I dont want it to
either. Im merely learning to live with it.
Im lonely without you. But at the same time Ive learned to accept that loneliness isnt all that
bad. Its taught me a lot about me. Ive learned to connect with myself, and to fight the insecurities
that held me back. I sketched myself over and over again, remembering every line, every indent,
and every curve of every scar. And in doing so, I learned to appreciate them. Because if someone
loved them once, I ought to as well.
I regret hurting you, but I dont regret the journey I went on without you. The past no longer
haunts me. Im a different person, shaped by the fragments that people like you have left behind in
me.
So thank you. For loving me once. For looking into my soul. For giving me lightness in dark times.
For simply giving me a second look.
I love you unequivocally, unimaginably.

You have my heart, and you will forever possess it.

But Ill always be left wondering if I still own any part of yours.
-

Claire
*****

I put the letter in an envelope and went back to Jamie, pounding on his door in the early hours of the
morning. To say he was pissed to see me was an understatement.
Bare chested and looking like a rougher version of his older brother, he gritted out, What the
hell do you want, Claire?
I pressed the letter against his chest. Give that to him.
Bens not here!
Then mail it to him, I dont care! Just get it to him. And stop looking at me like that!
He made a face. Like what?
Like you hate me, I retorted. Because you crossed him too, and I bet it was a mistake you
wish you could redo all the time. So dont pretend youre any better than me because youre not.
Everyones the same in some way. Were all fucked up people in this fucked up world, and the last
thing we need do it is fuck each other over as well.
Stunned, he didnt say a word as I turned back around and stormed away.
I poured my heart out in that letter, and if he still rejected me after it, I would just have to
accept he didnt want me. I wouldnt be bitter about it. Because maybe, somehow, I was his haunted
past he wanted nothing to do with again. And maybe he was right to put me behind and move on.
When I made it home after dropping the letter off, I found Emily sitting on the porch steps
with Miles. While Id been nursing my wounds, Emily had spent a little more time with Miles. He
was no longer weird around me, and I was pretty sure it was because hed developed a new
obsession with Emily.
But he was friend-zoned, and it was awkward being around them sometimes when he stared
at her like a puppy dog seeking affection. Poor guy.
Hey guys, I said, taking a seat next to Emily.
Did you deliver the letter? she asked. Id filled her in on everything that had happened, so
she was just as emotionally invested as me.
I nodded. Yep.
She wrapped an arm around me and gave me a wet kiss on the cheek. Im glad. Youve got
it out of your system. No more what ifs. Time to see whether to move on or fight hard.
Yeah.
Youre not talking about that asshole, are you? Miles asked with a scowl. I havent

forgotten him. All creepy and weird.

I raised a brow, looking wryly at Miles. The irony right now of you saying these words
What do you mean?
I broke out in a laugh. Youre the king of weird and creepy, Miles.
No, Im not. Emily, tell her.
Emily simply stared between the two of us, her answer loud and clear. But she stood up
immediately and declared, Im going to order some pizza. Cough up some money, bitches, because
Im broke and you need to feed me.
Miles stood up too, immediately digging his hand into his pocket. Ill pay for the whole
thing, and its too early for delivery, so Im more than happy to run out and pick it up.
I rolled my eyes. Oh, my God, this guy. Ill pass. You eat pizza every damn day. No
wonder youre broke.
So do you, she retorted.
And thats why Ive gained ten pounds.
I can tell. Fat ass. She laughed and took off before I could smack her. Miles followed, of
course, right on her heels.
I stayed seated there for a short while longer, glancing up and down the neighbourhood,
reflecting. Immediately, I saw a taxi come bounding up the street slowly, and my heart tightened as it
got closer. I watched intently as it continued to slow down near the house. I didnt want to think his
name, didnt want to think it could be him, but my body seemed to be thinking for me. I angled my
body to the taxi and held my breath. It drew closer and closer and
It passed on by, turning into the driveway of a house a few doors down.
My heart took a nosedive, but I didnt let the sadness show on my face.
I simply stood up and went back inside.
*****
A week later on a Saturday Emily burst through the door and shook me awake. I pushed her hand
away from me, cursing for her to leave me alone. Late nights had me crashing in the early hours of the
morning, and I desperately needed some sleep.
Babe, she said excitedly, some sexy ass man is at the door asking for you.
My eyes whipped open. I immediately sat up and looked at her. She was still in her house
shorts and singlet, her blonde hair a mess clearly shed been dragged out of bed to answer the door.
What does he look like? I asked, even though I already had an inkling of who it was.
Tall, black hair, blue eyes has this wicked smirk and bedroom eyes. She paused,
recapping his image with a look of lust on her face.

Jamie.
I jumped out of bed, uncaring about my own state of undress and ran past her. I hurried down
the stairs and met him on the porch. I was a little awed by the way he looked, dressed in a black
pinstriped suit with his hair slicked back. Filling Bens shoes had him looking like a dynamite
businessman.
Hey, I said, opening the door and ushering him inside.
He stepped inside, replying with, Hey, yourself.
Too excited to make small chat, I immediately asked, Whats going on? Are you here
because of him? Did you give him the letter? What did he say? Did he get it? Is he alright? Hows he
doing
Slow down, he cut in, chuckling. Just relax. Take a deep breath. In and out
I dont have time to breathe. I need you to talk!
His blue eyes roamed me, and that smile intensified as he turned on that charm. I couldnt
give a fuck about it. Nor did I care that I was in a pathetically small nightgown, looking like a tousled
caveman. None of that mattered to me. What mattered right now was the words that were about to
come out of those lips.
Alright, he said, talking slowly on purpose, I did send the letter. Not physically, mind
you. I faxed it to him. It was quicker that way. You just never know how long sending something
across the world will take, you know? Its very long.
I nodded repeatedly, wanting him to hurry the hell up.
And, he continued, clearing his throat, he told me he received the letter, and that he read
it.
And? I urged.
Aaaand thats it.
I froze, knitting my brows together in confusion. I was instantly disheartened and on the
verge of tears. My soul started to douse itself with petrol, getting ready to burn at this awful,
anticlimactic ending. That was it? He just read it? He didnt care?
Really? I let out incredulously.
He eyed my sad face and burst out laughing. Tucking his hand into his pocket, he replied,
No, actually, thats not it. But your face! Fuck, that was great. For me, anyway.
What?
He pulled out a card and gave it to me. He wanted me to give you this.
I took the card that had a four letter word in thick, black font on the front.
DARE

He gave me a dare card?

My heart spiked. I glanced at Jamie, but he was too busy checking out Emily, and Emily was
practically humping the wall behind me to get closer to him.
Uncaring about their session of eye-fucking, I turned the card around and read six words. Six
small, easy to understand words that made my being soar with every happy feeling Id ever felt
combined.
I dare you to follow me.
What does he mean by that? I wondered out loud in confusion. Is this all he gave me?
When I received no response, I looked back up and puffed out in irritation. Stop looking at
her! Emily is off limits and youre in a relationship!
Im not in a relationship, he retorted. Its complicated.
Yeah, and until youre in an uncomplicated situation, leave Emily alone.
Ill be alright, replied Emily. Im not some easy girl thatll bend over to some guy in a
suit. Liar.
Ignoring her, I took hold of Jamies face and directed it back to me. Focus, was this all he
gave you?
Hmm? He looked back at me. Oh, right. No, thats not all. He also gave me this very
important thing right here.
He reached into his pocket again and produced a folded piece of paper. I took it from him
and unfolded it. I looked it over, trembling from adrenaline.
This is information for a flight, I muttered, with my name booked in.
Mhm, indeed it is, he replied.
To I felt my lips curve up. To Morocco.
Mhm. Something then occurred to him, and he tapped the paper quickly. About that, see, I
was supposed to give this to you last night so that you had better time preparing.
What do mean?
When he didnt answer, I focused on the details of the flight. Then I looked up and glared at
him. Are you fucking serious? This flight leaves in three hours, you asshole!
He shrugged. Thats not so bad. Just grab a few pairs of clothes and whatever it is you
girls do and you should be alright. Right?
Ignoring him, I whipped around and ran to my room. I tore apart my closet, pulling random
clothes off hangers until every surface of my bedroom was covered. It was absolute madness! Unable
to find a suitcase, and too panicked to even give a shit, I grabbed the biggest purse I owned and
stuffed it with random crap. My brain was going a million miles an hour, and I was shaking harder

with every passing second.

Was this really happening? Was I seriously leaving the country in three hours time?
If you hurry the fuck up, Claire, then yes!
While Jamie waited downstairs, Emily came in and helped pack some clothes while I hunted
down my passport and wallet.
I cant believe youre doing this, she exclaimed. Im so excited for you, babe. I cant
imagine how youre feeling.
I was too busy packing and getting my things in order to properly digest my feelings. It was
surreal. I threw on the first thing I saw skinny jeans and a plain white tee and grabbed the bag
Emily had packed for me. I took off back down the stairs, and she followed closely behind,
yammering away in my ear about how much she envied me.
Im taking you to the airport, Jamie told me once he saw me. Hed been patiently waiting
in the kitchen, and was munching away on an ice cold chocolate bar hed stolen from the fridge.
I snatched the bar out of his hands. I need breakfast. Now lets get out of here. I have to be
gone in two and a half hours.

Chapter Twenty-Eight
Going to make this right
Jamie sped down the roads in his impressive Ferrari, cutting through traffic and slamming on the
brakes half a million times. We didnt say anything. I was too preoccupied with my hectic thoughts.
My body tingled with nerves as I clung to my packed purse and wallet, checking the time every few
minutes.
He made it to the airport in record time and stopped in front of the entrance.
I can take it from here, I told him. Thank you for driving me.
No problem, he replied. He then took his aviator sunglasses off and handed them to me.
Youre going to need these when youre there.
I smiled and took them. Thanks.
Yeah. Well, say hello to big brother for me, and try not to betray him often. Alright?
I raised a brow. Yeah, right. Great and appropriate timing and all to bring that up, Jamie.
Too soon?
Just a little.
He chuckled. Get lost then. Im not going to wait around a second longer. Youve got a man
to grovel to, and Ive got a lovely blonde to work my moves on.
My eyes widened. Hell no. Stay away from Emily, Jamie. Shes not the relationship kind of
girl.
And Im not the relationship kind of guy. We should be good.
I just shook my head at him. I opened the door and stepped out. He honked once at me as he
drove off. I turned around and hurried past the crowd of people with one thought in mind.
I have a plane to catch.
*****
Thirty two hours.
Thirty. Two. Freaking. Hours.
Why did people like to travel when their destinations were thirty two freaking hours away?
It gave me a shitload of time to reflect on everything. I ran our last encounter together,
particularly the hate in his voice when he had spoken to me. What had changed since then for him to
dare me to follow him?

I wasnt sure what I was going to do when we saw each other. I tried to come up with lines
in my head, but not even then could I properly piece together the right words for the occasion. It was
overwhelming thinking about it, so I strayed from it and thought instead about Mom and the last words
wed said on the phone while I was waiting to board.
If you knew I was leaving the country, but that I was going to be happy, would you
understand? I asked her.
Well, I left the state to find my happiness, didnt I? she countered with a small sigh.
This is about Ben, though, isnt it?
Yeah, it is.
How long will you be gone?
I dont know. Could be a day. Could be a month.
She was quiet, deliberating. Well, sweetheart, you grew up before my eyes. You
graduated high school, you graduated College, and youre officially a qualified teacher. Youre
not a rebellious party bopper, and youve matured into a beautiful young lady. I dont have a say
in what you do, but you have my approval.
I smiled, blinking back the tears. Then Im going to Morocco.
Oh, hell, Claire, she groaned. Thats not a short distance away!
Her approval meant the world to me.
It was 6pm Aussie time when the plane landed in Tangier. However, here, it was ten in the
morning and crowded as hell.
As the plane began its descent, Tangier looked like a tropical paradise a coastal city along
the Mediterranean Sea, packed with people and, according to pamphlets Id been given, highly
historic places that made for good tourism. It looked like my kind of heaven.
I didnt need to collect any luggage I had the purse Id packed everything into hanging on my
shoulder. I was sweaty, tired, and uncertain of my next step.
Once I made it passed immigration, I stood in the airport as a line-up of family members
crowded around, waiting for their loved ones to show. I looked all around me, feeling small and
unimportant as I stood alone. I searched for his face, at times standing on my tippy-toes to glance over
peoples shoulders.
But no grey eyes met mine.
After fifteen minutes of this, I was growing increasingly worried. Had I done something
wrong? What if he had never intended on showing up to begin with? A feeling of melancholy passed
through me. My hopes started to dwindle. I spun around frantically, searching and searching until
My body froze. My mind froze. Everything froze.
Except my heart.

That little organ sped up, hammering away in my chest, as I stared on in front of me.
He stood ten feet away from me in grey cargo shorts and a casual, white button up. Still the
most delectable man I remembered him to be, his black hair had grown some, curling at the nape of
his neck. He was bigger than I remembered, and, like always, he stood out like a sore thumb in the sea
of people around him.
Those intense grey eyes were locked to me. I could feel them sweeping up and down my
body, taking all of me in. The look on his face was hard to read, but he seemed to be as affected as me
judging by the way his chest rose and fell more rapidly.
There was no way I was going to allow him to make the first move. I was aware that even
though hed brought me here, that didnt necessarily mean everything was okay. I had a lot of work on
my hands, but I wanted to do it. Id do anything to have another chance with him again.
I shook out of shock and began moving to him. My eyes stayed locked to his as I brushed past
people. My body grew warmer the closer I got, as though Id been a planet thatd spiralled out of
orbit only to be thrust back around the sun again. And when I was finally standing a foot away from
him, staring up at that beautiful face, all the anguish and pain Id endured without him the last four
months caught up to me, and I crumbled.
The tears fell and I tsked at them angrily, cursing, I didnt want to cry, dammit.
His lips twitched, signalling a bit of life under that stoic expression.
I wiped the tears away quickly, unsure of what to say or how to react. So we just stood there
for a few minutes in silence, in the noisy public airport, as I tried to overcome this heavy wave of
emotion.
Im sorry, I choked out, staring up at him. I know you dont want me to say it, but fuck,
Ben, Im so sorry. Ill do anything to have you back. Ill prove it any way thats good enough for you
to believe me. I will never mess it up with you because Id rather die than face losing you again. I
just I really love you and I dont know what else to say. I dont know where you stand. I dont
know anything. I havent heard your voice in four months, and Im desperate to. I want to touch you
too, but youre staring at me like Ive gone mad and Im pretty sure I should shut up right now.
Rambling like a madwoman in front of the love of my life was unbecoming of me. I couldnt
help it, though.
I needed him.
He moved a little closer to me, and when his hand pressed against the left side of my face,
my heart swelled. He was touching me. God, I dreamed this every night.
He licked his lips slowly and whispered, You said in your letter that you wondered if any
part of my heart still belonged to you.
I held my breath, waiting for him to continue.
My whole heart never stopped belonging to you, beauty.

I settled my hand over his and cried into it as he moved in even closer.
I was hard on you, he continued. I was so angry at you that it blinded me from
understanding what youd done. Im sorry for that.
Dont you dare apologize to me, I shot back. You did nothing wrong.
But I did. I spent those few months trying to end the dirty side of business Id been wrapped
up in, and I never opened up to you about it. I never explained to you what was happening, never
prepared you for what might have come. I didnt want you to know because I was ashamed of it. If Id
communicated with you a bit more, then maybe none of this would have happened.
He dipped his face and pressed his forehead against mine.
It took me a very long time to look past that anger, he said. But when I did, I saw it from
your point of view. The night you gave me the watch, it hit me. The reason youd brought up my
relationship history the night before, it occurred to me thats what Hardman had used to turn you
against me. Theyd been on my case heatedly when I was seeing her, and when I broke it off with her,
Id also broken it off with Jamie. I could see theyd depended on that to make their lie work, thinking
she wouldnt re-enter my life. And I was so angry at it all, I wanted you to see Melinda with Jamie
first hand.
And thats why you told him the apartment was his for a few hours.
Yes, I knew he was with her, and I wanted you to see it for yourself. That whatever they
told you Id done to her, youd come to realize it was the complete opposite. I wanted you to feel the
shock, wanted you to feel the pain anything to get you to feel what I did in that moment. And it was
wrong of me.
I shook my head. I deserved it.
His hold against my face tightened as he solemnly let out, We had this discussion before,
Claire, about what you do and do not deserve. You did not deserve that kind of emotional pain.
But I needed to feel it. I needed to know your pain, and Im sorry for it.
Pulling away from me, he dropped his hand and wrapped it around mine. Youre mine, he
told me with conviction. And Im yours. Were going to spend every moment together while were
here, and were going to make this right.
I smiled at him, and it felt like the first real smile in months, coming from deep within my
soul.
Let me take your bag. His other hand grabbed hold of the strap around my shoulder. He
took it off and settled it around his own before pulling me to him. Youre going to enjoy it here.
Weathers beautiful, foods even better, and the people are wonderful.
And how long are we going to be here? I asked happily.
He shrugged, smiling down at me. As long as we want. We can go wherever we want.
Travel the world, work a few jobs here and there in-between, and then who knows? Maybe well

find somewhere we want to settle down, a place where I can marry you and start a completely
different journey.
My heart clenched as I stared at him, stunned stupid. You see yourself marrying me?
He chuckled at my disbelief. You will marry me one day. I dont have to ask it. Its going to
happen whether you like it or not. Hell, Ill write it on a damn card since you clearly do whatever
they demand of you.
You know, its still romantic if you asked, Ben.
He looked mischievously at me. One day, little lady. Ill ask you to be mine on paper one
day very soon.
I smiled, swallowing back my tears. Ill be waiting.
*****
We fit together so perfectly. Our bodies entwined like we were made for each other. Four months of
separation had done nothing to our relationship. We simply picked up where we left off.
Except sexually.
We had a lot of catching up to do in that way.
The second we stepped foot into his enormous rental apartment, Ben dropped my bag and
picked me up. He hurried me into the bedroom, ignoring my protests, uncaring that Id been on a thirty
two hour journey and felt grimy as hell.
None of that matters, he muttered against my lips. I havent been inside of you in four
bloody months, Claire. Thats what fucking matters.
He didnt slow down to warm me up not that I needed it. He simply stripped me down and
brought me against his naked body. He kissed me like his life depended on it, feeling every part of my
body hastily and hungrily.
Then he took me. Hard and fast, reminding me that Ben was not always a gentle man.
I wrapped my arms around him and dragged my nails down his back as he thrust into me,
ravaging my body, but also staring into my eyes to give me that connection Id been longing for.
Tears slid down my face when I came. I clutched onto him desperately, never wanting to let
go. I would never ruin this. I would never dishonour his trust. I would never see the ugly in me ever
again. What we had between us was beautiful enough to outshine all the bad in the world.
I loved him.
God, I loved him.
I love you too, little lady, he breathed against me.
And thats all that mattered.

THE END

THANK YOU!
If you made it this far, thank you for reading!
I have to thank my readers. Your encouragement, your constant messages, and your support its
meant the world to me!
I have a story in the works for Jamie and Emily, and you can stalk me here for news of its release:
www.facebook.com/rj.lewis13
Reviews and ratings are always appreciated! Thank you!
I have to thank my husband as well. I disappeared on you for many weeks at a time, lost inside my
head while you patiently waited for your wife. Never read this book, mkay?
For the tremendous support from my family: Aunty Lisa (shhh, never discuss my seedy mind in front
of me, please)
For my MIL, Eve, for always asking me about my next release (shhh, never discuss my seedy mind in
front of me, either, please)
For author J. Daniels and all the half-finished stories I sent your way, LOL. Sorry about that.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!