Professional Documents
Culture Documents
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the
level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build
improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air
conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day
God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in
Hell?" Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake.
He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him
back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping
him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!" Satan
laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to
get a lawyer?"
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could
go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be
paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to
donate it to MIT."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked
for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he
explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical
research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he
wanted, He whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The
lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll
keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth. Shortly thereafter
God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited
for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a
temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease
and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked
why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he
just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials
immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it
require strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that
the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval
was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result. The
authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to
conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God
agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."
Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the
environment, not in semantics. God said, "Let the earth bring forth
green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed, so long as only
native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping
creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department
of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audubongelic Society. Everything went along smoothly until God
declared that he intended to complete the project in six days. Officials
informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many
waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that
there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 1012 month probationary period before.... At this point, God created Hell.
Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out
walking one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of
it. "I'll give each of you one wish, that's 3 wishes total" says the genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer and my son
also will farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada". With a
blink of the genies eye, poof, the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming. Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a
wall around Afghanistan so no infidels, Jews or Americans can come
into our precious state." Again with a blink of the genies eye, poof,
there was a huge wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam asks, "I'm very
curious, please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "well,
it's about 15,000 feet high 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the
country, nothing can get in or out it." Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with
water".
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle
of a desert. Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So
they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two
people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time
studies. Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is
doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control
department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to
write the reports. Then Congress said,"How are these people going to
get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a
payroll officer, then hired two people. Then Congress said,"Who will be
accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative
section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant
Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said,"We
have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000
over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night
watchman.
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers
are. The first one says:"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an
arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The
second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He
can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens
to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:"You two know
nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at
4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
A Guy walks into a store. He sees three brains on display. One is a
Libertarian Brain, priced at $250. The second is a Democrat Brain,
priced at $275. The third is a Republican Brain, priced at $5,000,000.
The Guy asks the sales clerk,"Man, why does the Republican brain cost
so much more than the other two?" Clerk replies,"Well, sir, that brain
has never been used.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a
test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to
catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three
months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not
exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out
two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
A few day's after George W. Bush's inauguration, a man came up to the
uniformed Marine on duty at the White House and said "I'd like to see
President Clinton. The Marine politely answered "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no
longer president." The man said, "Oh, O.K." and walked away. The next
day the Marine was again on duty and the same man approached and
again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine again answered, "Sir,
Mr. Clinton is no longer president." Again the man answered, "Oh, O.K."
and walked away. The next day the same man approached the same
Marine and again asked to see President Clinton. The Marine, a little
annoyed, said "Sir, I've told you, Mr. Clinton is no longer president.
Don't you understand that?" "Yes, I do" said the man, "But I just enjoy
hearing it." The Marine smiled and said, "See you tomorrow"
Four boys were fishing. As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they
saw a man thrashing in the water. With no hesitation, they jumped into
the water and saved him. It was not until they pulled him to shore that
they noticed the man they had saved was President George Bush, who
had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim. When President
Bush caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them
anything they wanted in return for saving his life. The first boy thought
about it for a while and finally answered. "I would like a presidential
appointment to West Point so I can serve my country." The next two
thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to
be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy. The third
boy chose the Naval Academy. The president turned to the fourth boy,
who was still thinking. Finally he answered, "Mr. President, I would like
a burial with honors at Arlington National Cemetery" The president was
shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his
young age. The boy replied "Because when my father finds out I saved
you, he is going to kill me!"
A seedy-looking man was sitting in the first row at a town meeting,
heckling the mayor as he delivered a lengthy speech. Finally the mayor
pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman who differs with
me please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for
the good of the city?" "Well, Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I
voted against you in the last election."
An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The
parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide
about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a
ten- dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the
front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan
was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes
the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm
afraid our son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously,
hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their
son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After
that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed
the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality.
Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. The father
slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn. Our son is going to be a
politician!"
It was election time, again. So, a politician decided to go out to the
local reservation to gather support from the Native Americans. They
were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The
politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more
and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native
The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his
eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at
her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.
The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129". Arriving at
the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he
arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and
it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you
may miss a great opportunity.
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the Story: To be sitting and
doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Einstein, Casals, Picasso, and GW bush die and go to heaven. St. Peter
is waiting for them, and requests identification. Einstein, who is first in
line, says "I don't have any ID, but I can explain the equivalence of
matter and energy." He is given a blackboard and proceeds to give an
eloquent explanation of one of his most famous theories.
"Only Einstein himself could explain this so well," says St. Peter.
"Step right in, professor. Next?"
Then Casals, who is next in line, says "I don't have any ID, but I can
play my cello to prove who I am." He is given a cello and plays the
most beautiful music imaginable.
"There's no question, you must be Casals," says St. Peter. "Next?"
Picasso steps to the gate. "I don't have any ID, but I can paint a
picture to prove who I am." He is given some brushes and paints a
spectacular picture.
"Okay, you're Picasso. Go right ahead," says St. Peter. "Next?"
"I'm George W. Bush," says the former president, "but I don't have any
ID. How can I prove who I am?"
"Well," says St. Peter. "Einstein was just here, and he discussed some
of this theories. Then there was Casals , who played the cello for us.
Then Picasso came, and he painted a picture. Can you do anything like
that?"
"Who are Einstein, Casals, and Picasso?" asks Eisenhower. St. Peter
looks at him and says,"Mr. President, go right in."
Why is it that in the US, we punish people for their vices? Isnt the
punishment inherent in the vice itself. You smoke, you get cancer. You
drink too much, you wake up hung over. You have unprotected sex you
get marriage. Punishment is natural.
Thats why drugs should be legal. If passing out on a park bench in
winter because youre too stoned to use your keys isnt punishment
enough.Besides, when you put them in jail, youre only giving them a
warm place to stay.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English,"
he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages,
though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However,
there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room observed, "Yeah, right."
A police officer stops a driver and says, "Not only have you been
driving too fast, you've been overtaking where it was not allowed. Your
lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out... This is surely
going to cost you a lot. What's your name ?"
"Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilolngchilnic."
After hesitating a bit, the officer replies with a stern look on his face,
handing back his driver's license, "OK, let this be your last warning.
Don't let me catch you doing this again."
A visitor from Netherlands was explaining the colors of his country's
flag to his American host, "Our flag symbolizes our taxes. We get red
when we talk about them, white when we see our tax bills and blue
after paying them." The American host replied, "It's the same here,
only we also see stars."
British archaeologists find several pieces of copper wire and they
estimate the age to be about 25,000 years old. The British government
proudly claims that the English had telephones a long long time ago. At
around the same time, German Archaeologists find glass strands and
they announce that ancient Germany was wired by fiber optic
networks. The next month, the French Minister of Culture and
Language announces, "Well, we dug and dug and found nothing.
Therefore, we are pleased to conclude that ancient French used cellular
phones, proving once again their superiority over their counterparts
who used seemingly primitive technologies."
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor
says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's
my daughter Heather. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting
on weight, and is sick most mornings." He examines Heather, then
turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this,
ma'am, but your dear Heather is about 4 months into it." The mother
says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with
a man! Have you, Heather baby?" Heather is indignant; she replies
furiously, "Absolutely not! I've never even kissed a man, mama!" The
doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong
out there, doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the
last time anything like this happened, we are told a star appeared in
the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm
going to miss it this time!"
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one
problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to
understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he
started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same
hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all
the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't
do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had
an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood
in the middle of the ocean with -- who else? -- the parrot. They stared
at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a
day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give
up. Where's the boat?"
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around
the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he
said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong
with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my
wife."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside them is numbered." "I think librarians are the
easiest," said the second. "When you open them up, all their organs
are arranged alphabetically." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to
operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded." "You're all
wrong," said, the fourth. "Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable."
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of
his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the President. "It's
this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the
aide asks. "Just go ahead and pay it." responds the President.
Canada recently passed a law which puts a skull and crossbones
symbol on a pack of cigarettes to signify its harmful effects. In light of
this, people in the US are raising the question of whether the US should
catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent
catastrophe
Titanic: villain - White Star Line
Clinton: villain - Ken Starr
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist
Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts
Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary
There are a lot of video games. There are a lot of Jewish actors. They
stare in a lot of movies based on video games. There is only one Jewish
video game. Its called Quicken.
There was an old woman who was walking down the street one windy
day. As each gust of wind would come, her skirt would fly up exposing,
everything it covered. After this happened a few times, a young man
walking behind her sheepishly asked,
Maam, why dont you try to hold down your skirt as you walk so the
gusts of wind dont lift it up and, well. Expose you?
Sonny, she said sternly, Everything below this skirt is 82 years old,
this hat on my head is brand new.
Dry cleaning is a scam, you cannot clean my dry because I do not own
one, nor can you clean with dry since it is not really a think. I cant
walk in and say Heres my coat I would like it cleaned with only 100%
pure organic dry please. Doesnt happen. Worse yet, if I bring in a
shirt caked with mud and say Here you go I want this shirt spotless
and you cant use any liquids. What are they going to do, blow on it
real hard? The whole bit is a sham to sell wire hangers and plastic
wrap.
Three convicts are on their way to jail and are allowed one item to pas
time while incarcerated. The first prisoner turns to the second and
asks, So what did you bring?
I brought paints. Claims the first one. Ill be the Grandma Moses of
jail and Ill paint anything I can get my hands on. How bout you?
I brought a deck of cards. The first one replies. I can play any
number of games, poker, solitaire, blackjack, gin, whatever.
The third convict, seeing the other two, begins to smile to himself. Thje
other two, taking notice, ask him, Why are you so smug, what did you
bring?
I brought a helmet here. he says patting the box
Puzzled, the other two ask what he intends to do with it
Well, he says, according to the box, I can go bike riding, skydiving,
rollerblading A mans wife sent him out one day to buy a ham. Upon his return she
remarked, Oh, you forgot to cut the end of the ham off.
Why would I want to cut off the end of a ham? asked the man.
I dont know, responded, the wife, Its just something I learned from
my mother. The next day while visiting his mother in law, the man
asked why she cuts off the end of ham.
Oh, she replied, I dont know I guess its just something I learned from
my mother.
More curious now, the man decided to call up the grandmother long
distance, and asked her why she cuts off the end of a ham. Well, she
replied, Its really very simple, my oven is too small to cook the whole
ham.
We often do things out of simple convention, rather than doing things
out of purpose and reason.
All in all, the White House hasnt changed all that much since GW Bush
took office. The only real difference is that we went from a President
that embarrassed his daughter to daughters who embarrassed the
President.
A manager is having an affair with his secretary. One night the man
wakes up in his mistresses bed and realizes he is very late, he should
have been home hours ago. "quick" he says, waking up the mistress,
"take my shoes and walk around in the yard with them." He said. Not
understanding, the woman complied anyway, as the man hopped into
the shower. He gets out of the shower, quickly dresses and goes home.
As he reaches the doorway, he is greeted by his angry wife. "Where
have you been?" she yells at him. "Do you have any idea what time it
is?"
"I can't lie to you dear, I've been having an affair with my secretary.
After making passionate love to her, I fell asleep and only woke up
twenty minutes ago." the husband replies sorrowful.
"Don't you lie to me you jerk," the woman screams. "I see your shoes,
you've been golfing again!"
A drunk was driving through town, weaving violently all over the road,
when a cop finally pulled him over.
"Where have you been?" asked the cop.
"At the pub," slurred the drunk.
"Well, it looks to me like you've had quite a few," the cop snapped.
"I guess I did," said the drunk with a smirk.
"Are you aware that your wife fell out of the car a few intersections
back?" the cop asked sternly.
"Thank goodness," sighed the drunk. "I thought I had gone deaf!"
A White House press release noted that during his last physical, Pres.
Bush measured his resting heart rate at 43 beats per minute. Not only
does this make him the healthiest Pres. to date, it also marks the first
time a Presidents resting heart rate equals his IQ
A Senator was walking doen Pennsylvania Ave. one day when he
noticed an old bottle lying on the sidewalk. Wanting to be a
conservationaist conservative he picked up the bottle and wiped it off.
Suddenly a magic genie appeared.
Thank you for setting me free. In return for my freedom i shall grant
you one wish.
So the Senator thought a while and finally he said, alright, Ive got it,
work in the Senate ges me so wound up I really need a vacation. The
only problem is I have a fear of flying and boats take too long. Could
you build me a bridge to _____(insert warm and sunny place here, by
default I would say Hawaii or Grand Cayman, but for a Cuba question if
may be good to improvise)______.
He, he, he.....uuuummmmm, said the genie, see, heres the thing.
Its been about 5,000 years and Im kind of rusty, could we maybe try
somethign a little easier here?
okay, replied the Senator, how about ___(insert topic here, a
balanced budget, a bi-partisan congress, a decent Pres., welfare
reform)_________
Right. The genie quickly responded, and how long was that bridge
again? (or if you like the other punchline is and would you like that
bridge with two lanes or four?)
Three Wannabe Detectives
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he
only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the
picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect,
how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be
too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of
his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?" He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a
stupid answer."
he blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
"Hmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his
office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a
beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear
contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute
observation?
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one ear."
HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS!
(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom
Americans pay taxes on their salary.)
--Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down
the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the
envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
--Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right
way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to
remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on
the left side).
--Line the bottom of your envelope with elmer's glue and let it dry
before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't
open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
--If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three
party check.
--On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you
owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an
amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty
forms.
--Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read
and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.