Stag X-Mas Pantomime 2013

Cinderella
Cast List:
Cinderella
Potty
Dotty
Prince Humphrey
Dandini, the Princes Servant
Fairy Godmother
(Overture plays. Fairy enters)
Fairy Godmother:

Welcome all young and old, to our local pantomime,

Our story starts, where most tales do, with Once Upon a Time
A long time ago, in a village you may know,
There lived a young girl called Cinderella.
This is the story of her dreams that came true
And how she met her fella!
Cinders was bullied by her two ugly sisters,
Potty and Dotty a pair of old blisters!
They made poor Cinders scrub and clean,
They were so wicked, nasty and mean!
All Cinders wanted was a happy ending,
But she was always backwards bending
For her two nasty sisters, who would always sneer
Oh look boys and girls, theyre here!...
Its time for me to DISAPPEAR! (She waves her wand and exits)

UGLIES: (together) OH YES IT IS!

(Ugly Sisters enter from the back of the pub to Here Come the Girls. They banter with the audience)
Ugly sister dialogue jokes with audience etc.
Potty: What have you got on? You look like a walking dishcloth! Its not as nice as what Ive got on I got
it from that new shop in Town its a cross between Marks and Spencers and Pound Stretcher
Dotty: Yeah, its called Stretch Marks! Allow us to introduce ourselves My name is Dotty!
Potty: And Im Potty!
Uglies: And were the Sexy Sisters oh yes we are! (etc)
Dotty: Sister, when we were walking through the crowd, did you notice a terrible smell?
Potty: Its hardly surprising look at how many children there are! We hate children! Arent we beautiful

boys and girls?

Dotty: Im the most beautiful, Im the one with everything a man desires.
Potty: Yes, a beer gut and tattoos.
Dotty: Oh shut it you! My boyfriend calls me Drambuie
Potty: Drambuie? Isnt that some sort of fancy liquor?
Dotty: Thats me! Oh sister, wouldnt you want to kiss me under the mistletoe?
Potty: Kiss you under the mistletoe? I wouldnt kiss you under general anaesthetic! Anyway, wheres that
wicked wench sister of ours?
Uglies: CINDERELLA!
(Cinderella enters)
Cinderella: Hello Sisters!
Dotty: Where have you been you lazy layabout? Weve been here far too long surrounded by these poor,
penniless peasants (to audience member) oh sorry love did I splash you?
Potty: You can start your chores by unpacking our shopping bags, Im pooped! (unveils a large scroll) And
then you paper the parlour...
Dotty: Scrub the skullery...
Potty: Clean the kitchen...
Dotty: Bleach the bathroom...
Potty: Mow the lawn...
Dotty: Wash the windows... Then scoop up all the cat poo!
Uglies: (cackling to audience) Arent we adorable?!
(Fanfare is heard and the Princes servant enters)
Servant: Is this Hardup Hall?
Uglies: Yes!
Servant: Home of Potty, Dotty and Cinderella Hardup?
Potty: If youre the taxman no. If youre anybody else, then yes!
Servant: Then I hereby declare you invited to Prince Humphrey Humpalots Royal Ball at his Palace in
Garswood this evening.
Dotty: A Royal Ball eh? Id love to get my hands on the Royal Balls.

Servant: The Prince is looking for a bride...

Potty: Thats me!
Dotty: You what? The Prince wouldnt want to marry you! Not unless he had a dog and white stick
Potty: Cheek!
Dotty: (to servant) what do you think of me?
Servant: Words cannot describe what I think when I look at you.
Potty: But ugly comes in pretty close!
Servant: Here are your tickets, which you must present on arrival! Good day ladies! (Slaps his theigh)
Uglies: Ooooh!
(Servant exits)
Cinderella: I cant believe we are going to a Royal Ball!
Potty: What do you mean? Youre not going!
Dotty: Hang on a minute sis, of course she is!
Cinderella: Oh really? Thank you! Thank you!
Dotty: Why dont you go and slip into something long and flowing... How about the river Mersey!
Potty: Rip it up! Your ticket... youre not going to the ball!
Cinderella: But I dont want to rip it up...
Dotty: Rip it up! (They snatch the ticket and rip it up)
Uglies: (Singing to the tune of ring a ring of roses) Tiny Little Pieces... Tiny Little Pieces
(Cinderella is sobbing on the floor) Sisters sing Let it snow as they exit cackling.
(Sound effect fairy jingle and Fairy enters disguised in a large cape)
Fairy: Something told me I would be needed here tonight! Youre troubled, arent you Cinderella?
Cinderella: I was being silly, I wanted something I couldnt possible have! Hang on a minute, how do you
know my name?
Fairy: I am your Fairy Godmother, and tonight Cinderella, you shall go to the ball! (she takes off her cape
and pulls out a ticket)
Cinderella: This is wonderful! I am going to the ball after all! Oh Fairy Godmother, how can I ever thank
you?

Fairy:

Not necessary! Anyway, we have work to do..

A minor spell should see you through
.. Oh wait, I almost forgot, do you have a pumpkin?

Cinderella: A pumpkin, Im afraid I havent. My sisters have been eating pumpkin pie since they arrived and
theres none left in the vegetable patch!
Fairy: Oh never mind, Ill conjure up a ride to the Ball for you. Now Cinderella, lets get you ready, we
havent got very long left!
(She waves her wand and Cinders exits. Fairy song. After song, Cinderella re-enters in her ball gown)
Fairy:
To the Ball youre now ready,
shoes gown and hair
All you need is a coach to take you there!
Ive got something to say to you,
Theres one last thing that you must do.
Cinderella, you must believe
That on the stroke of twelve, you must leave!
For at that time let me make it clear,
That all of this shall disappear.
The spell Ive cast will be no more,
And things will be as they were before!
Until midnight, when the bells chime,
Climb aboard and have a wonderful time!
(Cinderella exits the pub. Lights down)
(After Fairy Godmother exits, waltz like music is heard and the Prince and his Servant enter)
Prince: Oh Dandini, I am looking forward to the party tonight.
Servant: Me too, Sire! Ive been round to every maidens house in the land and Im sure you will find
someone this evening.
Prince: I hope so! Its just you can never be sure if they are interested in me as a person, or me as the Prince.
Servant: Oh Sire, dont worry! Im sure you will find an eligible maiden tonight, one who will love you for
who you are. A girl with class, a girl with sophistication, a pretty girl oh look, here are our first guests!
(Gangnam Style is played and the Ugly Sisters enter dancing to the music. The Prince and the Servant look
at each other shamefully. During this, the Sisters could mingle with punters and dance round the tables etc.)
Prince: Oh no, theyre coming this way!
Potty: Hows about a dance, Princey?
Dotty: Me first! Im the oldest!
Potty: Youre older than the jokes in this panto!
Prince: Id love to, but how can one choose between such, beauties?

Dotty: We dont mind taking turns!

Servant: The only thing theyll be turning is the Princes stomach!
Uglies: Ey you!
Servant: (bows) Ladies (Prince and Dandini exit)
Potty: I think I might have a chance with the Prince.
Dotty: What! You?
Potty: Ill have you know Ive been compared to a Greek statue
Dotty: Old and crumbling! Anyway, the Prince wont fancy you!
Potty: Any why not?
Dotty: Well dont take this the wrong way sister, but youre fat!
Potty: Look whos talking!
Dotty: Ive been on loads of diets Ill have you know! First there was the weight watchers diet.
Potty: Bet it wasnt easy watching the scales whilst you ate!
Dotty: And then, there was the sea food diet!
Potty: Yes you saw food and ate it! Then there was your slim fast diet.
Dotty: Now you cant fault me there. I did everything as it said on the tin. I had one for breakfast, one for
lunch and one for dinner!
Potty: What went wrong then?
Dotty: The brunch, tea and supper I had in between!
Potty: I dont need to diet, Im naturally slim!
Dotty: Yes for an elephant!
(Music rises, Sisters exit and Prince and Servant re-enter the stage)
Prince: Oh Dandini, I dont know what to do! I still havent met anyone.
Servant: These things take time, Sire. The right person could walk in at any moment!
(The music strikes up and Cinderella enters. The Prince and Dandini stop and stare. The Prince takes her
hand and bows, she curtsies).
Prince: Good evening. May I have this dance?

Cinderella: You may, Your Highness.

Prince: You are the most beautiful girl Ive seen this evening.
Cinderella: Oh thank you, youre pretty charming yourself!
Prince: I have waited forever for this moment.
Cinderella: I am so happy right now! I am having the time of my life!
Prince: Im pleased you are enjoying yourself, I never want to let you out of my sight again Princess!
(Music rises once more and they dance. Fairy enters.)
Fairy: (audience aside)

They danced and laughed, swooned and smiled,

Until the bells of midnight chimed!
(To Cinderella) Midnight! Midnight! I told you to leave by midnight!
(The bells chime and Cinderella exits, leaving behind a glass slipper. The Prince unfreezes and it takes a
second for him to notice her absence)
Prince: Stop the dancing! Dandini where is she?
Servant: Theres no sign of her, your Highness, just a kitchen maid running through the grounds. But I did
find this slipper, she must have dropped it!
Prince: How very strange. Dandini search throughout my Kingdom. She must be found. Make it clear that
I will marry none other than the girl who wore this slipper! (Thigh slap and they exit)
(Music plays as lights go down. Sisters enter)
Potty: Did you see that mysterious princess dancing with the Prince at the ball last night?
Dotty: I did she looked just like Cinderella!
Potty: Could it be do you think?
Together: No!
Dotty: She was very giddy this morning prancing around the kitchen!
Potty: Hogging Princey on the dance floor!
Dotty: Flirting with her twirls and curtsies if he fancies her he must be mad!
Potty: I know for certain weve met that girl somewhere.
(There is a knock at the door. Servant enters followed by the Prince)
Servant: Is this Hardup Hall?
Sisters: Yes!

Servant: Home of Potty, Dotty and Cinderella Hardup?

Sisters: Yes!
Servant: Prince Humphrey and I are searching for the mysterious maiden who disappeared last night and left
behind this glass slipper. Whoever the shoe fits, shall get to marry the Prince. He is looking for his dream
bride.
Potty: Oh your highness! Can I get you anything? Like excited?
Prince: Let us not waste time! Who wants to go first?
Dotty: Oh me first! Me first! Ill get his ring on my finger or bust!
Potty: Well make your mind up, you cant have both.
(Dotty tries on the slipper, but her foot is too big to fit on)
Dotty: Well push it! Youre not even trying!
Servant: Im trying it just wont fit!
Dotty: It must be my feet swollen with emotion.
Potty: Yes, so is your head! Let me try!
(They swap over)
Dotty: Have you ever seen such dainty feet before?
Servant: Ive seen daintier feet on an elephant!
Dotty: Get this slipper on and then you can marry me!
(Servant is really trying)
Prince: Its no use! It wont fit. Are there any other ladies that reside here?
Sisters: Oh no theres not! (banter with audience)
Servant: Hang on a minute, what about Cinderella?
(Servant goes to get Cinderella)
Prince: Its her!
Cinderella: Its him! Youre here!
Prince: Lets see if it fits.
(They sit down and try on the slipper, unsurprisingly, it fits. Cheers all around.)
Prince: Tell me, what is your name?

Cinderella: Cinderella, your Highness.

Prince: Please, call me Humphrey! Cinderella will you marry me?
Cinderella: Yes! Of course!
(Fairy Godmother enters)
Fairy:

Our show is over,

The tale ends here dont you think they deserve a cheer!
(To the sisters) And as for you, youll be nice!
Abracadabra, sugar and spice!
And so amid much joy and laughter,
Everyone lived

Everyone:

Happily ever after!

(Music and bows. Lights down)