Murphy's law:

* Anything that can go wrong will.

* Trust everybody...then cut the cards.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
* Exceptions prove the rule...and wreck the budget.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* Quality assurance dosen't.
* The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't
really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
* Exceptions always outnumber rules.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
* If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
* One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
* A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
* The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the
bread.
* The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

* When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two
weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
* The book you spent 20.95$ for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
* The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
* You never want the one you can afford.
* Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good
price.
* If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three
weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
* When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby,
while all other coins will roll out of sight.
* The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
* Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.
* Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
* Interchangable parts won't.
* No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against he wind.
* If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
* Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of
incompetence.
* Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
* No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
* The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

* As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters

turbulence.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of
them being made.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be
illegible.
* A free agent is anything but.
* The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* The one item you want is never the one on sale.
* The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your
keys.
* If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
unreasonable.

Glib's fourth law of unreliability:

Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of
errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Fourth law of applied terror:

The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will
assign 200 pages on planaria.

Corollary:

Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for
that instructor's course.

Fourth law of revision:

It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences, if you
have none, someone will make one for you.

Fresco's discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.

Fudd's first law of opposition:

Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Gerrold's laws of infernal dynamics:

* An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
* An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
* The energy required to change either one of these states will always be
more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally
impossible.

First law of bicycling:

No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

First law of procrastination:

Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its
termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).

First law of socio-genetics:

Celibacy is not hereditary.

First rule of history:

History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

Flugg's law:
* When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is
composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
* For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and
wrong.

H. L. Mencken, fifth law of applied terror:

If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth law of procrastination:

Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is
nothing important to do.

Finagle's creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.

Finagle's first law:

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's fourth law:

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

Finagle's second law:

No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to:
a) Misinterpret it;
b) Fake it;
c) Believe it happened according to his own pet theory.

Finagle's third law:

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need
of checking, is the mistake.

Corollaries:
* Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
* The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear,
will see it immediately.

Glib's fourth law of unreliability:

Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of
errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Ginsberg's theorem:

* You can't win.

* You can't break even.
* You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:

Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem

meaningful is based

on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's theorem:

* Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
* Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
* Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize amistake when
you make it again.
* Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
ones.

Emmersons' law of contrariness:

* Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.
* Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
* Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.

Drew's law of highway biology:

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front

of your eyes.

Ducharm's axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part
of the problem.

Ducharme's precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Ehrman's commentary:
* Things will get worse before they get better.
* Who said things would get better?
* Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

DeVries's dilemma:
* If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the
paper.
* Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity,
for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.

Conway's law:
* In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going
on. This person must be fired.

Percussive sublimation is the promotion of an incompetent employee to a

"higher" position which brings on no new responsibility but unclogs the rest
of the hierarchy. This is known as kicking someone upstairs. Hierarchiology
tells us that every thriving organization will be characterized by this

accumulation of deadwood at the executive level, consisting of percussive

sublimatees and potential candidates for percussive sublimation. One
well-known appliance manufacturing firm has twenty-three vice-presidents! The
lateral arabesque is another pseudo-promotion. Without being raised in rank,
sometimes without even a pay raise, the incompetent employee is given a new
and longer title and is moved to an office in a remote part of the building.
So we see that percussive sublimation and lateral arabesques can serve to
keep the drones out of the hair of the workers.
- "The Peter Principle" -

Chisolm's first corollary to Murphy's second law:

When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.

Churchill's commentary on man:

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will
pick himself up and continue on.

Colvard's logical premises:

All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.

Colvard's unconscionable commentary:

This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.

Chism's law of completion:

The amount of time required to complete a government project is

precisely

equal to the length of time already spent on it. Carelessly planned projects

take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects
take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners
expect their planning to reduce the time it takes. By doing just a little
every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.

Cahn's axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.

Captain penny's law:

You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all
of the time, but you can't fool mom.

Brady's first law of problem solving:

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question "How would the Lone

Bucy's law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

Boren's laws:
* When in charge, ponder.
* When in trouble, delegate.
* When in doubt, mumble.

Boling's postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Ranger have handled this?".

Bombeck's rule of medicine:

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Boob's law:
You always find something in the last place you look.

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing

first.

A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real
reason.

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Herbert Hoover:
* After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be foundon
the bench.
* After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover,
it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Anthony's law of force:

Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's law of the workshop:

Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the

workshop.

Corollary:
* On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
* Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under alarger
object.
* Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
demo.
* Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Arthur C. Clarke:
* Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price
went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the
price went way up.
* Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.

Arnold's laws of documentation:

* If it should exist, it doesn't.
* If it does exist, it's out of date.
* Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.

Laws of love:
* People to whom you are attracted invariably think you

remind them of

someone else.
* The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the
mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

* Avoid reality at all costs.

Bagdikian's observation:
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like
trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.

Baker's first law of federal geometry:

A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.

Barach's rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Barth's distinction:
There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and
those who don't.

Baruch's observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Beifeld's principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female
increases by pyramidal progression when
* A date.
* His wife.
* A better looking and richer male friend.

he is already in the company of:

If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the

event will take place; preferably during a demonstration.

Buttered Pancake principle:

Any buttered pancake that falls down will land on the buttered side. Results
of this principle are not affected in any way by adding jam. The pancake will
land on the non-buttered side whenever attempting to demonstrate this
principle.

Gordon's warranty law:

All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.

Gordon's object lifespan theorem:

No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will
fuse/explode/disassemble within three (3) days of warranty expiration.

IBM project management axiom:

Need for project modifications increases proportionnally to project
completion.

Universal tech document units law:

Characteristics, specifications, dimensions and any other data included in
technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as "tenth of troy
once per barn" for pressures, or "acre times atmosphere per kilogram" for
speeds.

Instruction booklet governing principle:

Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are
listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili and Moghol.

Sjeverrijk theorem:
In any computation, the value given for certain is wrong.

Scientific computations law:

* Decimal points are misplaced.
* Positive powers of ten are in fact negative, and vice-versa.

Fractions computations basic principle:

In any fraction of mid-level complexity, interchange of factors above and
under the fraction bar takes place.

Scheverezhin's equation system theorem:

When solving an equation system, the result yielded is x=17x + 1, which is
evidently false. Careful recomputation will yield x=x or 1=1.

Vuilleumier's laws for building electronic prototypes:

* Any pre-cut equipment is too short. This is specially true of optic fiber
cables with expensive connectors at both ends.
* If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available.
* Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow Earth's
gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in the
prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the

prototype. This will know only one exception if the tool is particularly
heavy, in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot.
* When proteup first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact.
* Prototype npn blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa.
* A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a
minimum of 25% - if it does oscillate at all.
* When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions,
a minimum of 11 components are left.

Murphy's corollary:
If every expert consulted states the problem has no solution, its solution
will be obvious to the first unqualified person entering the room, whether
he/she speaks the language or not.

Prospective principle:
A graphic curve must be plotted before computing any values actually supposed
to belong to it.

Fudge's principle:
If measured results do not match computed values of your equation, add a new
factor - named after yourself - to the equation.

Diddle's principle:
Any set of results can match any set of equations provided you develop a good
imagination and sense of tolerance.

Ostrich's principle:
Ignore any bugging problem; it will be solved as soon as people stop talking
about it.

Soviet method:
Set working methods in complicated rules and numerous authorizations. Nothing
will therefore happen, for which no blame can be put on you.

Parkinson's law:
Any corporation with a minimum one thousand work force becomes an autonomous
entity, in which enough administrative paperwork is generated to make
external contacts superfluous.

If there's a wrong way to do a thing, somebody will find it and do it that

way.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.
A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until there
sulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.
The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a key
to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.

Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors

which by definition are finite.
All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is impossible.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of
errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.

Laws of innovation management:

* Change is the status quo.
* Management by objectives is no better than the objectives.
* A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by
it.

Laws of advice:
* The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
* Any decision is better than no decision.
* A decision is judged by the conviction with which it is uttered.
* Decisions are justified by the benefits to the organization, but they are
made by considering the benefits to the decision-makers.

Laws of communication:
* The purpose of the communication is to advance the communicator.
* The information conveyed is less important than the impression.

To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it later.
Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers.

Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.

Abrams's advice:
When eating an elephant, take one bite at a time.

Rule of accuracy:
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know
the answer.

Corollary:
Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

Acheson's rule of the bureaucracy:

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

Acton's law:
Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Ade's law:
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.

Airplane law:
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on

time.

Albrecht's law:
Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well being.

Algren's precepts:
* Never eat at a place called Mom's.
* Never play cards with a man named Doc.
* Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

Allen's law of civilization:

It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up
it.

Agnes Allen's law:

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

Fred Allen's motto:

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

Alley's axiom:
Justice always prevails...three times out of seven.

Alligator allegory:
The objective of all dedicated product support employees should be to
thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their

occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these
problems when called upon. However, when you are up to your ass in alligators,
it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain
the swamp.

Allison's precept:
The best simple-minded test of experience in a particular area is the ability
to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area.

Anderson's law:
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at
it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Andrews's canoeing postulate:

No matter which direction you start it's always against the wind coming back.

Law of annoyance:
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're
finished with, you will need it instantly.

Laws of applied confusion:

* The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of
the balance of the shipment.

Corollary:
Not only did the plant forget to ship it, 50% of the time they haven't even

made it.

* Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are
waiting for the truck.
* After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more
for the unexpected delays.
* In any structure, pick out the one piece that should not be mismarked and
expect the plant to cross you up.

Corollaries:
* In any group of pieces with the same erection mark on it, one should not
have that mark on it.
* It will not be discovered until you try to put it where the mark says it's
supposed to go.
* Never argue with the fabricating plant about an error. The inspection
prints are all checked off, even to the holes that aren't there.

Approval seeker's law:

Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least.

The Aquinas axiom:

What the gods get away with, the cows don't.

Army axiom:
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

Army law:
If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it
up, paint it.

Ashley-Perry statistical axioms:

* Numbers are tools, not rules.
* Numbers are symbols for things; the number and the thing are not the same.

Klipstein's laws:
* A patent application will be preceded by one week by a similar application
made by an independent worker.
* Firmness of delivery dates is inversely proportional to the tightness of
the schedule.
Legile lui Murphy:
* Daca ceva poate sa mearga prost, va merge.
* Daca mai multe lucruri pot merge prost, vor merge in cea mai defavorabila
secventa.
* Probabilitatea de aparitie a unui eveniment este invers proportionala cu
dezirabilitatea lui.
* Indiferent de ce merge prost, probabil ca arata bine.
* Cand lucrurile par ca nu se mai inrautatesc, ai rabdare. Se vor inrautati
curand.
* Cand lucrurile merg bine, ceva a mers prost.
* Cand lucrurile se inrautatesc:
- daca pierzi prea mult, fi atent;
- daca nu pierzi nimic, relaxeaza-te;

- daca ai sansa sa castigi, relaxeaza-te;

- daca nu conteaza, atunci n-are nici o importanta.
* Nimic nu este atat de prost, incat sa nu devina si mai prost.
* Dupa ce lucrurile s-au inrautatit suficient de mult, ciclul se repeta.
* Indiferent de ce merge prost, exista intotdeauna cineva care a stiut ca asa
va fi.
* Problemele complicate au intotdeauna raspunsuri simple, pe intelesul
tuturor, dar gresite.
* Oportunitatea iti bate la usa in cel mai putin oportun moment.
* Natura tine intotdeauna cu latura ascunsa a lucrurilor.
* Ca sa cureti un lucru, murdaresti un altul. Dar poti murdari mai multe
lucruri fara a curata nici unul.
* Lucrurile incompatibile cu alte lucruri, pot fi compatibile intre ele.
* Daca anticipezi ca sunt patru variante posibile de a iesi ceva prost si
reusesti sa le ocolesti, atunci va apare imediat o a cincea posibilitate,
care va strica totul.
* Probabilitatea de a distruge un lucru este direct proportionala cu valoarea
lui.
* Cand apesi din greseala pe doua litere la masina de scris, se imprima
litera care nu trebuie.
* Timbrele care nu se lipesc pe scrisori se vor lipi in schimb pe orice
altceva.
* Cand avionul in care esti are intarziere, avionul pe care trebuie sa-l iei
in continuare pleaca la ora fixata.
* Cand pisica iti adoarme pe picioare si te farmeca cu torsul ei, simti o
nevoie imperioasa de a merge la baie.

* Daca o franghie are un capat, atunci are precis inca unul.

* Cand trebuie sa-ti concentrezi atentia asupra unui anumit lucru, este
imposibil sa nu apara altul care sa-ti distraga atentia.
* Ori de cate ori stabilesti sa faci un anume lucru mai intai, survine un alt
lucru care trebuie facut primul.
* Ori de cate ori iti tai unghiile, constati ca dupa aceea ai nevoie de ele.
* Intotdeauna gasesti usor ceea ce nu cauti. Iar ceea ce cauti gasesti abia
in ultimul loc in care poti cauta.
* Un lucru ratacit il poti gasi numai dupa ce rascolesti intreaga casa.
* Cand cauti un lucru, niciodata nu il gasesti decit dupa ce ti-ai cumparat
un altul in loc.
* Cand garantia unui produs este de 60 de zile, defectarea lui se va produce
in ziua a 61-a.
* Legile nu sunt decat niste simulari ale realitatii.
* Proliferarea unor noi legi conduce la proliferarea unor noi exceptii.
* Indiferent daca legile sunt bune, rele sau neutre, trebuie sa se supuna
celor din urma.
* Daca o lege a lui Murphy poate sa greseasca, va gresi.
* Murphy a fost un optimist.

Legile entropiei:
* Un om cu un singur ceas stie cat e ora. Un om cu doua ceasuri nu este sigur
niciodata.
* Anticiparile negative conduc la rezultate negative. Anticiparile pozitive
conduc la rezultate negative.
* Cand un lucru iese prost, orice incercare de a-l indrepta nu face decat

sa-l strice si mai mult.

* Lucrurile se inrautatesc inainte de a se imbunatati.
* Lasate singure, lucrurile se desfasoara de la prost la mai prost.
* Orice lucru care incepe bine se sfarseste prost. Orice lucru care incepe
prost se sfarseste si mai prost.
* Lucrurile incep sa mearga prost, toate deodata.
* Singurul mod de a descoperi limetele posibilului este de a trece in
domeniul imposibilului.
* Anumite lucruri sunt imposibil de cunoscut. Dar este imposibil de aflat
care sunt aceste lucruri.
* Universul este nu numai mai straniu si mai enigmatic decat ne imaginam, dar
el este mai straniu si mai enigmatic decat ne putem imagina.
* Informatia se deformeaza cand trece spre nivelele ierarhice superioare.
* Intr-o intreprindere, confuzia creste odata cu nivelul ierarhic
* Expansiunea inseamna complexitate, iar complexitatea conduce la
dezagregare.
* Odata ce ai deschis o cutie cu rame, singura solutie de a le inchide din
nou este sa folosesti o cutie mai mare.
* Pentru un biciclist, indiferent in ce directie o ia va fi la deal si
impotriva vantului.
* Dupa ce adaugi doua saptamani la termenul de predare a proiectului,
datorita unor intarzieri neprevazute, mai adauga inca doua luni pentru
intarzierile neprevazute care nu pot fi prevazute.
* Mai sigura este o pasare in mana decat una care zboara pe deasupra capului.
* Cu cat stirile proaste se transmit mai repede si mai detaliat, cu atat mai
bine.

* Istoria nu se repeta, dar istoricii da.

Legile gravitatiei:
* Cand cade o scula de pe banc, se va rostogoli spre coltul cel mai putin
accesibil al atelierului.
* Inainte de a atinge podeaua, orice scula in cadere se va opri mai intai pe
degetele de la picioare.
* Nu poti cadea mai jos decat podeaua camerei.
* Cu cat urci mai sus in ierarhia administrativa, cu atat cazi mai de sus.
* In conditii speciale de atractie universala, caderea celor din varful
ierarhiei administrative se poate face si pe orizontala.
* Nu poti sti dinainte pe ce parte sa ungi felia de paine cu unt. Sansa ca ea
sa cada pe covor cu partea unsa cu unt este direct proportionala cu costul
covorului.
* Cosmonautii se supun legilor gravitatiei numai cand sunt pe pamant.

Legile relativitatii:
* Chiar daca faptele sunt rigide, adevarul este flexibil.
* Durata unui minut depinde de pozitia ta fata de usa de la baie.
* Durata unei casnicii este invers proportionala cu durata petrecerii de
nunta.
* Daca pastrezi un lucru prea mult, il poti arunca. Daca arunci un lucru prea
devreme, vei avea nevoie de el imediat ce l-ai dat la gunoi.
* Daca cumperi banane necoapte, ele vor fi mancate inainte de a se coace.
Daca le cumperi coapte, ele se vor strica inainte de a le minca.
* Telefonul suna intotdeauna cand esti la baie, sau esti in fata usii de la

intrare si iti cauti cheile ca sa descui usa.

* Cand formezi un numar gresit, nu suna niciodata ocupat.
* O jucarie care nu se sparge poate fi folosita la spartul altor jucarii.
* In America este important nu atat cat costa un obiect oarecare, ci cat de
mult se poate economisi cumparandu-l.
* Opulenta de la intrare este invers proportionala cu solvabilitatea firmei.
* La coada cealalta se serveste mai repede decat la coada la care te-ai
asezat.
* Nimic nu arata atat de frumos cand este privit de aproape, ca atunci cand
este privit de departe.
* Intotdeauna ploua cand iti speli masina. Dar nu incerca sa speli masina ca
sa ploua, ca nu merge.
* Intotdeauna este greseala partenerului.
* Este foarte simplu sa faci ceva complicat, dar este foarte complicat sa
faci ceva simplu.
* Cand remediul oferit de minister nu se potriveste problemei ridicate, este
mai usor sa schimbi datele problemei decat sa obtii un alt remediu.
* Orice solutie genereaza noi probleme.
* Locul in care ajungi depinde de scaunul pe care stai.
* Daca ajungi prea devreme, s-a amanat. Daca iti dai sufletul ca sa ajungi la
timp, va trebui sa astepti. Daca intarzii, este prea tarziu.
* Daca te simti bine, nu-ti face griji. Vei trece peste asta.
* Zambeste, maine va fi mai rau.

Legile managementului:
* Prima lege a managementului este ca exista.

* Cine detine aurul stabileste regulile.

* Cei ce au primesc. Cei ce pot fac. Cei ce nu pot ii invata pe altii. Cei ce
nu-i pot invata pe altii administreaza.
* Indecizia este baza flexibilitatii.
* Orice este posibil daca nu stii despre ce vorbesti.
* Nu crea nici o problema pentru care nu ai nici un raspuns.
* Oricine poate lua o decizie daca are suficiente informatii. Un manager bun
poate lua o decizie fara a avea informatii suficiente. Un manager perfect
poate lua o decizie fara a avea nici un fel de informatii.
* Cand un manager vrea sa-si impresioneze subalternii cu detalii sofisticate,
inseamna ca el a pierdut din vedere obiectivul final.
* Nu veni niciodata cu idei noi, care ti se pot da inapoi ca sarcini.
* Pentru fiecare viziune exista o contraviziune, la fel de atragatoare.
* Sedintele sunt evenimente in care minutele conteaza, dar orele nu.
* Daca parasesti camera risti sa fii ales.
* Nu exista un moment mai prielnic ca acum, pentru a amana ceea ce nu vrei sa
faci.
* Cu cat un plan este mai complicat si mai grandios, cu atat sansele lui de
esec sunt mai mari.
* Cu cat planifici mai bine un proiect, cu atat este mai mare riscul de
confuzie, atunci cand ceva nu merge bine.
* Orice problema tehnica poate fi rezolvata daca sunt destui bani si,
respectiv, destul timp. Din pacate, nici una dintre cele doua cerinte nu
poate fi indeplinita.
* Printre economisti, lumea reala este considerata adesea un caz special.
* Tehnologia este dominata de doua tipuri de oameni:

a) cei care inteleg ceea ce conduc;

b) cei care conduc ceea ce nu inteleg.
* Daca exista o cale de intarziere a unei decizii importante, un bun
management o va gasi.
* In orice intreprindere, munca se orienteaza spre nivelele cele mai de jos
ale ierarhiei.
* Daca o idee a supravietuit unui sistem birocratic si a fost implementata,
inseamna ca nu a fost deloc interesanta.
* In orice intreprindere exista o persoana care stie tot ce se intampla aici.
Aceasta persoana trebuie data afara.
* Mai usor sunt recunoscute talentele din alta parte decat talentele din
propria companie.
* Recrutarea personalului inseamna de multe ori triumful sperantei fata de
experienta.
* Daca un subordonat iti pune o intrebare particulara, dar pertinenta,
priveste la el de parca si-ar fi pierdut sensul realitatii. Cand isi va
pleca ochii, parafrazeaza-i intrebarea.
* Gandeste inainte de a actiona.
* Este bine ca in afara biroului sa ai mersul grabit pentru a nu da prilejul
subordonatilor sa-ti puna intrebari.
* Daca dai dispozitii, sa fie verbale. Cele scrise pot fi folosite mai tirziu
impotriva ta.
* Un management bun este expresia unei mari idei.
* Schimbarea lucrurilor este o tema preferata a oricarei conduceri.
* Oricat de mult muncesti, niciodata nu faci destul. Ceea ce nu faci este
intotdeauna mai important decat ceea ce faci.

* Cand esti in dubiu, murmura. Cand esti in dificultate, deleaga pe altcineva

sa rezolve problema. Cand esti direct raspunzator, cantareste.
* Un plan bun astazi este mai necesar decat unul perfect maine.
* Daca o problema conduce la prea multe sedinte, atunci sedintele devin mai
importante decat problema insasi.
* Atunci cand nu este necesar sa se ia o hotarire, este necesar sa nu se ia
nici o hotarare.
* Daca nu-i poti convinge pe birocrati, atunci creeaza confuzie.
* Eficienta unei sedinte este invers proportionala cu numarul participantilor
si cu timpul afectat.
* Durata unei sedinte creste cu patratul numarului de participanti.
* Timpul afectat fiecarei probleme de pe agenda sedintei va fi invers
proportional cu importanta ei.
* Cu cat doresti mai putin sa faci parte din tot felul de comitete si comisii
cu atat vei fi rugat mai mult sa o faci.
* Timpul inseamna bani.
* Nu exista pranz gratuit.
* Cheltuielile tind sa creasca pana egalizeaza veniturile.
* Pentru saritura in inaltime este mai bine sa antrenezi un om care sare 2 m,
decat doi oameni care sar fiecare 1 m.
* Cheltuielile banale pot fi rezolvate destul de repede; chestiunile
importante nu sunt rezolvate niciodata.
* Rezolvarea a "n+1" probleme necesita un timp dublu fata de rezolvarea a "n"
probleme.
* Rezolvarea a 90% dintr-o problema se face de obicei in 10% din timp, restul
de 10% rezolvandu-se in 90% din timp.

* Nimic nu este imposibil pentru cel care nu trebuie sa le faca singur.

Legile competentei:
* Competenta contine semintele incompetentei:
competenta + competenta = competenta;
competenta + incompetenta = incompetenta;
incompetenta + incompetenta = incompetenta.
* Intr-o ierarhie, orice angajat tinde sa fie promovat pana la nivelul lui de
incompetenta.
* In timp, orice post va fi ocupat de un angajat incompetent sa rezolve
problemele lui.
* Munca ramane de obicei pentru cei care nu si-au atins inca nivelul de
incompetenta.
* Expert este cel ce stie din ce in ce mai mult despre din ce in ce mai putin
pana cand stie absolut totul despre nimic.
* Expert poate fi oricine din afara orasului.
* Loialitatea fata de superiori valoreaza mai mult decat calitatea muncii
efectuate.
* Orice angajat isi incepe serviciul de la nivelul competentei sale.
* Supercompetenta deranjeaza mai mult decat incompetenta.
* Generalizarea incompetentei este direct proportionala cu nivelele ierarhice
spre care tinzi sa urci.
* Cauta sa arati ca esti o persoana foarte importanta.
* Un gram de imaginatie valoreaza cat un kilogram de competenta.
* Cauta sa fii vazut in compania unor oameni foarte importanti.
* Vorbeste cu autoritate, chiar daca spui banalitati.

* Nu te lasa atras in discutii contradictorii.

* Daca iti pastrezi calmul, cand toti ceilalti si-l pierd, inseamna ca nu ai
inteles problema.
* Pentru a cunoaste performantele unui agregat, inmulteste cu 0,5 datele
furnizate de firma constructoare, respectiv cu 0,25 pe cele oferite de
firma comerciala.
* Este imposibil de a face ceva impermeabil la prostie, pentru ca prostii
sunt foarte ingeniosi.

Legile vietii universale:

* Ca sa studiezi cat mai bine o problema, incearca s-o intelegi mai intai.
* Nu crede in miracole; bazeaza-te pe ele.
* Cand intrebarile studentilor primesc raspunsurile profesorilor, stiinta se
explica.
* Cand intrebarile studentilor devin intrebarile profesorilor, stiinta
progreseaza.
* Progresul nu consta in inlocuirea unei teorii gresite cu una adevarata, ci
cu una mai subtil gresita.
* Toate marile descoperiri au fost facute din greseli. Cu cat fondurile
alocate unei cercetari sunt mai mari, cu atat mai mult timp va lua
comiterea unei greseli.
* Orice problema mai mare contine una mai mica, care conditioneaza rezolvarea
problemei mari.
* Solutia unei probleme schimba natura problemei.
* Dupa cercetari de laborator, atente si migaloase, ti se va spune ca ai
primit o proba de analiza gresita.

* Cand te chinui sa rezolvi o problema, de mare folos iti poate fi

cunoasterea solutiei.
* Pentru orice problema continind "n" ecuatii, vor fi intotdeauna "n+1"
necunoscute.
* Este mai bine sa rezolvi o problema in mod aproximativ si sa afli adevarul
cu o eroare de +10%, decat sa obtii o solutie exacta si sa nu stii care
este adevarul.
* Cand un student urmeaza cursurile unei facultati el stie ce vrea sa faca in
viata. Cand urmeaza in paralel doua facultati, nu mai e sigur.
* Daca prezenta la curs este obligatorie, atunci studentii vor absenta de la
examen. Daca prezenta este facultativa la cursuri, atunci se vor prezenta
la examen si absentii de la curs.
* Fiecare profesor considera ca studentii trebuie sa se pregateasca numai la
cursul sau.
* Daca examenul se da cu cartea deschisa pe banca, precis ca vei uita cartea
acasa.
* Nu atribui rautatii ceea ce poate fi explicat prin stupiditate.
* Orarele studentilor sunt astfel facute incat sa se piarda mai mult timp la
facultate.
* Cand inveti la un examen, constati ca iti lipseste exact cursul cel mai
important.
* Cand tragi biletul la examen constati ca doua din cele trei subiecte sint
din cursurile pe care nu le-ai mai repetat.
* O concluzie marcheaza intotdeauna momentul in care ai obosit sa gandesti.
* Intuitia este o stiinta exacta.
* Cand sunt in discutie propriile lor probleme, profesorii sunt foarte

conservatori. Cand sunt in discutie problemele altora, ei devin liberali.

* Cartile nu se pierd atunci cand sunt imprumutate. Exceptie fac numai
cartile la care tii foarte mult.
* Cel mai important citat este cel pentru care ai uitat bibliografia. Sursa
bibliografica va apare insa in revista in care ti se va face o recenzie
dezastruoasa.
* Cand un profesor isi pregateste o carte pentru publicat, el nu intelege ca
lucrarea va fi inteleasa numai de cei ce stiu mai mult decat el in domeniu
respectiv.
* Daca explici ceva atat de clar incat oricine poate pricepe, se va gasi
cineva care sa te inteleaga gresit.

Legile programarii calculatorelor:

* Sa gresesti este uman, dar ca sa zapacesti de tot lucrurile ai nevoie de un
calculator.
* Un program de calcul face ceea ce ii ceri, nu ceea ce ai vrea tu sa-ti
faca.
* Valoarea unui program este direct proportionala cu greutatea listingului.
* Complexitatea unui program va creste pana va depasi capacitatea de
intelegere a operatorului care trebuie sa lucreze cu el.
* Descoperirea unei erori intr-un program de calcul se face abia dupa ce
programul a fost folosit cateva luni de zile.
* Orice program de calcul ajuns in faza de rulare este depasit.
* Orice program de calcul costa mai mult si necesita mai mult timp decat s-a
considerat initial.
* Daca un program este util, va trebui schimbat. Daca nu mai este util va

trebui sa fie justificat.

* Orice program se va extinde pentru a ocupa intreaga memorie disponibila a
calculatorului.
* Daca pentru introducerea corecta a datelor in calculator s-au prevazut o
serie de teste, se va gasi un idiot ingenios care va descoperi o metoda de
a introduce si date gresite.
* Daca ai gasit doua erori intr-un program, caut-o si pe a treia.
* Calculatoarele pot gresi, dar oamenii gresesc si mai mult.
* Dupa ce eroarea gasita a fost corectata, se va constata ca de fapt nu a
fost nici o eroare.
* Orice sistem care depinde de fiabilitatea umana este nefiabil.
* Erorile nedetectabile se prezinta intr-o infinitate de forme, pe cand cele
detectabile sunt prin definitie in numar finit.

Legile cercetarii experimentale:

* Stiinta iti spune adevarul. Nu te lasa inselat de fapte.
* Prin definitie, cand investighezi necunoscutul, nu stii la ce rezultat vei
ajunge.
* Daca un experiment iese bine inseamna ca ceva nu a fost in regula.
* Daca repetarea unui test de laborator ridica probleme, e bine sa faci
testul o singura data.
* Nici un experiment nu este reproductibil. Daca ar fi, atunci ar trebui ca
si esecurile lor sa fie reproductibile.
* Niciodata sa nu incerci repetarea unui experiment reusit.
* Progresul in stiinta este invers proportionala cu numarul revistelor de
specialitate publicate.

* Nu gasesti niciodata timp sa faci bine un experiment, dar vei gasi

intotdeauna timp suficient pentru a-l reface.
* Cu cat teoria este mai sofisticata, cu atit mai bine.
* Un experiment poate fi considerat terminat cu bine daca nu se ignora mai
mult de 50% din datele experimentale obtinute, pentru ca totul sa se
conformeze teoriei.
* Daca suficiente date experimentale au fost culese, atunci se poate
demonstra orice prin metode statistice.
* Daca un program de cercetari nu merita facut, atunci nu merita sa fie bine
facut.
* O cercetare suficient de indelungata va tinde poate sa sustina o teorie.
* Daca anumite rezultate nu sunt conforme cu teoria, ele trebuie ignorate.
* In orice lucrare experimentala, mai intai desenezi curbele finale si dupa
aceea fixezi punctele corespunzatoare datelor obtinute.
* In orice set de date experimentale, valorile care par a fi corecte, se
dovedesc dupa o verificare atenta ca sunt eronate.
* Orice idee revolutionara trece prin trei stadii caracterizate prin
reactiile:
a) Este imposibil, nu-mi irosi timpul.
b) Este posibil, dar nu merita.
c) Eu am spus intotdeauna ca este o idee grozava.

Legile lui Murphy despre sex:

* Cu cat e mai frumoasa femeia care te iubeste, cu atat mai usor iti vine sa
o parasesti.
* Nimic nu se imbunatateste cu vremea.

* Sexul nu contine calorii.

* Nu exista remediu pentru sex decat sexul.
* Sex appeal-ul este 50% ceea ce ai si 50% ceea ce cred ceilalti ca ai.
* Sexul este ca zapada: nu stii cati centimetri o sa obtii sau cat o sa
dureze.
* Virginitatea poate fi vindecata.
* Cand sotia unui om invata sa-l inteleaga, de obicei nu-l mai asculta.
* Sa nu te culci niciodata cu cineva mai nebun decat tine.
* Sexul este murdar numai daca e facut cum trebuie.
* Este intotdeauna momentul nepotrivit din luna.
* Cea mai buna cale de a retine un barbat este in bratele tale.
* Cand luminile sunt stinse, toate femeile sunt frumoase.
* Sexul este ereditar. Daca parintii vostri nu l-au avut niciodata, toate
sansele sunt ca nici voi sa nu-l aveti.
* Sexul face discriminari asupra timizilor si uratilor.
* Inainte de a-ti gasi printul cel frumos, trebuie sa saruti o multime de
broaste.
* S-ar putea sa existe multe lucruri mai bune ca sexul si multe lucruri mai
rele. Dar nu exista nimic la fel.
* Iubeste-ti vecinul, dar nu te lasa prins.
* Dragostea este triumful imaginatiei asupra inteligentei.
* Nu te certa niciodata cu o femeie obosita sau odihnita.
* O femeie nu-i uita niciodata pe barbatii pe care i-ar fi putut avea.
* Un barbat nu le uita niciodata pe femeile care nu le-a putut avea.
* Nu spune niciodata nu.
* Un barbat poate fi fericit cu orice femeie pe care n-o iubeste.

* Sexul este unul din cele noua motive pentru reincarnare, celelalte opt sunt
neimportante.
* Nu te duce niciodata in pat furios, stai sus si lupta.

Murphy's laws on sex:

* The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave
her with no hard feelings.
* Nothing improves with age.
* No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
it'll never be quite the same again.
* Sex has no calories.
* Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.
* There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
* Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
* No sex with anyone in the same office.
* Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
how long it is going to last.
* A man in the house is worth two in the street.
* If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
* Virginity can be cured.
* When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to
him.
* Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
* The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones
she can't stand years later.

* Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

* It is always the wrong time of month.
* The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
* When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
* Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.
* Sow your wild oats on Saturday night,then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
* The younger the better.
* The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
* It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
* Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
* Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
* There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex.
But there is nothing exactly like it.
* Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
* Love is a hole in the heart.
* If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our
space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
* Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
* Do it only with the best.
* Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words
to convey its full meaning.
* One good turn gets most of the blankets.
* You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
* Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

* It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
* Thou shalt not commit adultery...unless in the mood.
* Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
* Abstain from wine, women, and song (mostly song).
* Never argue with a women when she's tired or rested.
* A woman never forgets the men she could have had.
* A man never forgets the women he couldn't.
* What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
* It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
* Never say no.
* A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
* Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
* Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
* Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
* A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
* Love comes in spurts.
* The world does not revolve on an axis.
* Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
* Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
* Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
* There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in
love.
* Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
* Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
* "This won't hurt, I promise".