The Wolf

Author(s): Philipp Meyer

Source: The Iowa Review, Vol. 36, No. 2 (Fall, 2006), pp. 88-100
Published by: University of Iowa
Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/20152192 .
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PHILIPP

MEYER

TheWolf
of the clients, a doctor, had been handling his rifle that after
and it had gone off and he didn't know why. The shot cut a
I remember
about
groove along my neck. It was hot. That's what

One

noon

that feeling.
Then everyone

was

staring at me like what was I going to do, and

I had my skinning knife out and the doctor was against the wall.
We pushed around until he knew I had him. Both his elbows were

up to his face and

went out of me.

the knife was

right on his

ribs. Then

the heat

"If I'm gonna live," I said.

and got his kit.
"Is it deep?"

He went

"No.

Not

very."

arms were

shaking and I put my hands in my pockets.

touch was so light I barely felt it. There was a stain on his
I'd pricked him with the knife, and I thought he might
shirt where
hurt me with
the stitching,
but it was gentle,
the way his fingers
My
His

across my neck.
on me and the sun
I sat with my eyes closed and him working
on
warmer
sweat
I
shirt.
and
the
felt
there was some
my
drying

moved

thing about him kneeling

our heads almost

not minding
I
slowed down and
started feeling calm
to go home.
it was done he wanted
next

to me,

touching. My breathing
about everything. When
let him. The
My boss wouldn't

ranch wasn't

for the entire week

doing well and the

to
boss didn't want

had paid
and my
the
Doctor
of
his
back.
any
money
give
They haggled and finally the
Doctor
said if it was okay with me, he'd stay on and finish his trip.
"I don't mind,"
I told him.
clients

the clients, and I

night Iwas fixing dinner. My boss ate with
ate by myself
in the kitchen because
Iwas the one running back and
forth with the food. That usually didn't bother me. But I could hear

That

talking in the dining room of the lodge.

"Good hunt today," said my boss.

them

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"Well, I'm glad all I shot was a prairie goat," said the other client.
He was a friend of the Doctor's.
He was a big man, fat, and I'd car
ried his pack for most of the day. Then he'd shot an antelope while
it was up on a ledge and he couldn't climb up to get it. Luckily it
was a small one. I got it down myself.
Fatty continued:
knife."

"That was

"We're all sorry about

some

stunt

that," said my

that boy pulled with

boss.

"It was

that

confusing

cir

you might

feel

cumstances."

"Fd have

him good," Fatty said.

you on the other end of that barrel,

tanned

"If it'd been

different."
"I dunno,"

said Fatty.
"You ever been shot at?"
"It's my
"I knew

"Don't blame the kid."

fault," said the Doctor.
use the knife," Fatty said. "It's just the idea
he wouldn't

of it."
"Iwasn't

his

"I thought I'd killed

sure," said the Doctor.
last breath he was gonna do the same to me."
"Nah," said Fatty. "I could tell."
"It would

him,

and in

have been

justified," said the Doctor.

"Regardless."
is yours was an accident."
in their way," said my boss.
both accidents

"The difference
"They were
"Maybe we

extra
could work out a little something
on
a
said
"Like
break
the
trouble,"
Fatty.
taxidermy."
"Frank," said the Doctor.
"The kid put a knife
for this."
"We'll work

to you,"

something

Iwas
Later, when
"That fat one's

said my boss.

if you didn't
have happened
for money
back."

"In

lifted the bandage

a week

fuckin' pack

do that with

the

askin'

they're
"I caught a .270 in the neck,"
that fat fuck talk."
He

"We paid a lot of money

doing the dishes, my boss came in.

a real winner,"
I said. "I carried his

all day."
"None of this would
knife. Now

out,"

said Fatty.

for all that

there

won't

I said. "And now

I have

to listen

to

and looked.
even

be

a mark."

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in the face right then. But I didn't. He

was an old man and he didn't have any friends or anyone else to take
care of him. He was sixty-eight
and his wife was dead. She'd gotten
I should

have

cracked him

and she'd had a hemorrhage,

and they'd treated her wrong
to buy the ranch and turn it
and he'd used the settlement money
into a hunting preserve. There were pictures of her in every room.
She'd been dead five years.
cancer

He was

a short man

thick arms and his

with

skin was wrinkled

like his insides had dried out, like he'd spent his entire life
of a truck
things. He hadn't, though. He'd been half-owner

and loose
killing

until his wife died, and now there were days when
stop in Arizona
he'd never change out of his underpants,
just drink coffee and sit
out
like he was surprised
around the house,
the windows
staring
to see where he was. Those days I'd get the chores done early and
head
with

I didn't want to be stuck in the house

into the valley because
him. I'd go into the backcountry
and shoot or fish my dinner

and sling up a hammock. After two or three days my boss would

from the river,
snap out of it. I'd always bring him fresh brookies
or
a
eat
like
but he'd
them without
present
get-well
something,
saying anything.
As for the hunting,
Doctor
Iwent

the right word. The next day the

so after I finished the dishes
pheasant,

that wasn't

and his friend wanted

out

into the valley to hide the birds in the brush. I loaded

up the four wheeler with crates on the back. I'd find a spot, reach
into the crate, take a bird by its neck and spin it around like a bag
of laundry. That made
it dizzy. Then I'd tuck its head under its wing
and put it to sleep. It gave me a sick feeling every time, but it was
for the timber companies.
better than working
My

boss

said the birds

never

knew what

hit

them.

But

I knew

exactly what they felt like. They woke up dizzy and stunned and afraid
of things they couldn't understand.
Then someone
shot them.
Two years before that, I'd turned sixteen and quit school to get
on a logging crew with my uncle. After a while,
the company went
A rafter found
and we all got laid off. My uncle disappeared.
in the Snake River. Iwent through my uncle's things and found
seven grand and a note telling me to leave Montana
forever, but I
was so goddamn
angry there was no way I was
leaving. It cost a
under
him

thousand

to have him cremated,

and he still owed

on his truck, and

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pretty soon the money was gone. Fd been lucky finding

There wasn't work to be found anywhere
in the state.

the ranch.

The morning
after the Doctor
shot me, I let The Wolf
into his room
to wake him up. He stunk like sweat and whiskey but The Wolf licked
his face and jumped on his bed anyway. The Wolf was my dog.
He grabbed

her by the head and wrestled

with

her and scratched

ears.

her

is she," he said.
"Half Malamute,"
I said, "half setter." Really, she was all Malamute.
But I had to lie about it, given that she was our bird dog.
"All I see is Malamute,"
said the Doctor.
"But she's a good-look
"What

ing dog."
"White

Fang," he said to her, and shook the scruff of her neck.

She put her head on his chest.
"What are these marks on her face," he said.
"She went after a bear. Then she changed her mind."
"Who

the hell

stitched

her

like that?"

"I did."
"If you
to her.

could

"There wasn't
Then
ones

only

see what

anyone

he said: "Look,
to do."

else

he did to you,

he said

sweetheart,"

to do it."

I'm only kidding.

You should

seen

the

lived about

ten

have

I used

I said.
"You did good on mine,"
"It took practice," he said. "What happened

to the bear?"

"I dunno."

"I've seen you

shoot,"

he

said.

"I bet

that bear

seconds."

I didn't

say anything.
"Well?" he said.
I remembered
What
about that day was looking down at The Wolf
from up in my tree, and how she looked at me when
she realized it
was her against the bear alone. The
me sick to
of
it
made
thought
stomach.
my
"Iwas

in a tree," I finally
barrel."

told him.

"The branches

were

blocking

my
He got a look on his face.
"Oh," he said.
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"Iwas

younger,

then."

it?"
probably a big one, wasn't
that I couldn't look at him. Iwent and fixed everyone
fast, but I couldn't eat any of it.
"It was

After

break

at one end of a steep narrow valley where

the bases
a small
ran
into
each
into
other, draining
ranges
river. Pine forests grew dense up the lower slopes of the mountains,
and mostly
but the center of the valley was a floodplain
treeless.

The

ranch was

of two mountain

it was

In summer

thick with

and the elk and

grass and wildflower,
came down to graze and made a good show, but mostly
antelope
out
in the willow
of rifle range. Grizzlies
summered
thickets
stayed
by the river, and you had to be careful where you got water. As for
even in
the mountains,
the upper slopes were mostly
snowfield,
summer.

I took us along the edge of the valley, through the brush near the
forest edge where Fd laid the first birds. The Wolf
spooked a bird
and Fatty hit it with his first shot.
The pheasant went down and the clients were both yelling about
it. The bird was still flapping on the ground. Iwent over to the bird
and told it Iwas sorry. Then I broke its neck.
to his face. He
Fatty heard the sound and something
happened
hadn't looked when Fd dressed his antelope out, either.
I said, but Fatty didn't look like he was feeling
"Nice shooting,"
about
good
anything.
Right then another
Fatty and the Doctor

bird woke
emptied

up and headed for the denser trees.

their guns at it, even though it was a

hundred

yards away.
"That was too far," the Doctor

"Thirty-five
birdshot."
"Worth

yards,"

admitted.

I said. "That's as far as you can kill them with

trying," Fatty

said. "That one was

huge."

the foothills at the edges of the forest. I kept up a good

The
pace.
night before, me being angry and it being dark, I'd put the
to.
birds further out than Fd meant

We

skirted

"Can't we walk

it's flatter," said Fatty.

by the stream where
like the cover here," I said, which was true.
"It's the same over there," he said, "and easier walking."

"The birds

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I said. "Grizzly day beds."

"We've got these," he said. He tapped his shotgun.
"It's against the law," I said. "Plus you couldn't kill one with
shot unless you got the barrel down its throat."
"It's all willow,"

"Who'll
"These

out here," said Fatty. "The bear police?"

kill them," said the Doctor.
"That's what

know

guns won't

kid is saying."
"I hate these

hills,"

said Fatty.

I can

"When

see

bird

the

it's flat over

there."

Another

up and Fatty and the Doctor were on it quick.

it several times. I retrieved the bird and it was shot

bird woke

They both hit

a picture and I took it, both of them hold
to pieces. They wanted
off and one of its eyes
the
bird, its head mostly
ing
disintegrating
dangling.
Fatty couldn't stop staring at it and his face was white,
it from him and put it in my bag.
He puked into the bushes a short time later.
"Too much

whiskey,"
I said.

"Sure,"
But he looked at my

so I took

he said.
face and saw I knew

the truth.

you know," he said. "You're just a goddamn kid."

He hadn't brought his canteen so I had to give him mine to wash
He drank and gave it back, and the neck of the bottle
his mouth.
was covered with his puke.
"What would

I looked

I thought he might
actually be sick or
someone
like that. He
back a dirty canteen
He was smiling at me.

at him because
to hand

light-headed,
wasn't,
though.
Okay, I thought.

Okay, Fatty. I took us up into the trees. The Wolf

a marmot
or rabbit, and went
scent
fur
of
the
something,
caught
I
didn't call her back.
ther up the side of the mountain.
"Must be birds up there," I said to Fatty. But I knew it was the
to do.

wrong

thing

Itwas

a dense

stand and dark as sundown.

needles

and humus,
the sound of brittle

boulders
more

and there were

limbs. We

like train wrecks

piled
than fifty feet.

Our boots

sank into the

trees everywhere
and
around ancient rockslides,
see
of stone. You couldn't

downed

climbed
made

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kept a hard pace climbing and Fatty fell behind and the Doctor
and I came into a small clearing.
I smelled something
rotting and
saw a dead elk, and my heart grabbed and I looked around for what
killed it. Then we got closer and saw everything was already eaten
We

and sinew, carcass folded into a neat pile. There were

scat
of
bear
but they were old.
piles
everywhere
The Doctor
said: "Wolves?"
but the bones

"Grizzly," I said. "See how the big bones are cracked? Also
not scattered
like wolves
pull them."
a
bear pull them," he said.
"Why wouldn't

they're

"They don't have to. No one's taking food from a grizzly."

"Is this safe?" he said, after we'd been standing
and looking
around a minute.
thing is a month
I get the rack, then?"

"We're fine. This

"Could
"Go

old."

ahead."

He went

to work cutting.
"Do you see that ledge up there,"
mountain
levels off?"
"Sure,"

he

I said. "Where

it looks

like the

said.

a hanging meadow,"
I said. "It goes back two miles
and
it's full of elk. You can't see it from anywhere. There's a glacier way
above it and it melts down into a lake, and the lake is so deep it's
full of cutthroat."
"That's

"Huh," he said.
"I've never told anyone else about it," I said. "It makes
all this
look like nothing
and my boss doesn't even know it's there. You'll
see maybe fifty elk, a dozen bighorn."
"Huh," he said again.
"Come back," I said. "You don't have
few days off and take you up there."
"I dunno," he said. "Fm pretty
row that knife again?"

booked

to tell my

boss.

I'll take a

up these days. Could

I bor

I gave him the knife, but there was a hollow

feeling in my chest
and something
in
I
to
throat.
walked
the
other side of the
my
rising
see
my face.
clearing, where he couldn't

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Fatty caught
something,

later and he'd torn his new pants on

up to us a minute
and when he saw the elk rack he stared at it and didn't

say anything.
"It's dumb
"This

luck," I said. "I haven't

is all bullshit," he said.

seen one

Fatty turned around and disappeared

to be seen. I whistled
Wolf was nowhere

back

in a year."

that nice
down

the hill.

and after a while

her coming full-speed down the side of the mountain,

trees, clearing three-foot
logs without
slowing down.
for
his
gun.
grabbed
"It's just the dog," I told him.
shook his head and went back to cutting
from the elk head.
He

The
I saw

through the
The Doctor

the rotten hide away

he said, "when you see a dumb animal

you wonder,"
like
You
that.
how we ever survived this long."
wonder
moving
I
said.
"Speaking of,"
"Go on and let me find him," he said. "He gets like this."
"It makes

"Not a great idea to start wandering,"

"I can see that," he said. "But I know
it's

I said.
him when

he's

like this and

better."

"Okay." I followed The Wolf down the hill.

We'd been at the bottom a few minutes when
up. He had a raspberry on his cheek.
"I fell," he said. "But I didn't break
skull triumphantly.
flesh and there was

Itwas

covered with

the Doctor

the rack." He waved

showed
the elk

a thin layer of stinking

dark
a fly on it.
"We better wait up," he said. "Frank's having a little trouble."
Iwalked back up the drainage and found Fatty sitting down.
"Twisted my ankle," he said.
"You want me to splint it," I said.

led us up these fucking woods."

the
"Following
dog."
"You need to control your dog."
"The dog knows the birds."
He smirked.
"If you hadn't

"I know

how

these

ranches work,"

I just looked at him.

"I said I know how they work."
"Why did you come here, then?

he said.

If you know

so much."

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in the valley. Fatty was really limping. He'd loosened

his boot to let his ankle swell and I knew Fd fucked up. I offered to
leave the dog with them.

We were

back

"I'll come

in the four-wheeler,"
I said. "We'll get a couple
more birds and then you won't have to hump it back."
He didn't look at me.
back

I said. "Do you want

"I've got some codeine,"
it?"
a sign like I should stop talking. We headed
The Doctor made
back toward the ranch. Two birds flushed from the same bush and
took off low across

the ground.
and
fired
Fatty
dropped one of the birds, but the other got away.
Then something
around in the bushes,
and Fatty
big was moving
at
looked
it and fired his gun twice.
It took me

a few seconds

to realize what

it was.

I dropped my shotgun and ran

gave a little whimper.
was
her. Fatty
smirking and the Doctor was just staring at

The Wolf
toward
him.

was breathing hard and there was blood all over. I knelt
to her and put my head on top of hers and stroked down her
back. She didn't move and I stroked her more and then I felt hard
The Wolf

next

the
things, pellets under the skin, right near the surface. I pushed
a
hair aside to feel better and she woke
little
and
up
nipped at
I knew she wouldn't
die. She must have seen
me, and that's when
Fatty and turned away
were in her hindquarters

from
where

the only
him, because
it was all muscle.
The

deep pellets
rest had just

skimmed

up her flanks and back.

was
to be seen. The Doctor was sitting on a rock,
nowhere
Fatty
bouncing his gun. Then Fatty's head came up out of the
nervously
bushes.
Iwent
backed

He had his gun slung and he was carrying his bird.

over to him and he saw the skinning knife in my hand. He
away and tripped and fell. I stood over him and put one foot

on his shotgun.
"You shot my

dog."
looked at my foot on his gun.
"It was an accident," he said.

He

"I saw

you."

I lifted my
waited.

foot off his

"Go ahead,"

shotgun.

I nudged

it next

to his hand

I said. "Pick your move."

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and

He didn't
"I don't

touch

it.

how you even look at yourself,"

I told him.
"This cost me five grand," he said. "I saved vacation for a year."
"Well, now you've ruined it. You shot the bird dog."
came up behind me.
The Doctor
know

"Just wait," he said. "Put the knife away and let's settle down."
The Doctor went on about how itwas all an accident
like he was
seen it. He was nervous and waving
the only one who'd
around at all of us. I snatched
it out of his hand.
He

looked

"You have

surprised
to watch

and backed
your muzzle
in the neck."

away with

I said.

direction,"

you got me last time,

I took the shells out of the gun and offered
I heard Fatty.
"Put his gun down,"
I turned around.

his hands

it back

his shotgun
up.
"That's how
to him. Then

he said.

He was

his shotgun at me,

pointing
leaning into it like he was
on
braced for the recoil. His finger was
the trigger and I could see
I
into
the
barrel.
Then
couldn't
feel
right
anything and I thought I
I
be
How
could
do
that in front of a man
might
wetting my pants.
like Fatty, I didn't know.
"This would be easy," Fatty said.
said to him.
"Stop it, Frank," the Doctor
"Get out of here," the Doctor said to me. "We'll find our way back
without
you."
The

barrel was

I walked back
nodding with Fatty's breathing.
him.
from
away
Then I was thirty paces out, probably out of killing range, and
I turned away from them and walked
faster, then ran. The Wolf
me.
I
after
about
limped
thought
exactly where my carbine was, in

wards

the corner of my room next

would knock both shoulders

to the door.

It was

a .450 Marlin

out of a moose.

to the ranch and told my boss what happened

carbine. He looked at The Wolf and shook his head.

I got back
my

and it
and got

"Goddamn

he said.
assholes,"
saw the men coming in.
that goddamn
rifle," he said. "It's over."

Then we
"Stow

"I don't wanna

leave them alone with

you,"

I said.

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"I need

to talk to them alone. Go

to your bunk

and put

the rifle

away."

"I'll keep an eye on you."

Iwent
inside the house and opened
across the sill.

the window

and put the .450

I saw Fatty and the Doctor. The Doctor had all three guns over his
shoulder. My Marlin was empty but I flipped the covers off the scope
and put the crosshairs
the scope I
right on Fatty's chest. Through
saw that his jacket was soaked with sweat. I prayed he would
look
over and see me.
But instead the Doctor handed all the guns over to my boss. As
soon as my boss had the guns my legs went soft and I sat down hard
on the floor. I'd only been a trigger squeeze away from being meat.
to let me live.
The only reason Iwasn't was that Fatty had decided
The

boss

came

and found me

and told me

I could

take the rest of

off, paid. He was extending

Fatty's and the Doctor's
trip
two extra days.
"Are you kidding me," I said.
either. But
"Well, they say you didn't exactly behave admirable
even
a
makin'
and
five
hundred
dol
nice,
giving you
they're
they're
lar tip, despite getting only three birds."
the week

"They got a dog and a guide." My voice was

with them, they'll get you too."
"It was all an accident, buddy."

breaking.

"You go out

"It wasn't."

He

shook his head.

"They'll

be gone

in a few days.

It'll be

like they were

never

here."

"Kick them out," I said. "Just send them home now."

"Guys like that are who keeps us open," he said.
"I can fuckin' sue 'em. That's attempted murder what
"Don't

they did."

talk like that."

"It's the truth.

It's the goddamn

truth, and you know it."
it, and that Fatty and the Doctor knew it too,
a shotgun at someone was an action that had
that pointing

I could
knew

see he knew

even in Montana.
And I could see that they'd given
consequences,
to come to some kind of agreement.
him a lot of money
Five grand
was
me
if
he
five
hundred.
offering
probably,
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"Sometimes
"This ain't
stick
He

you gotta take your lumps."

takin' lumps," I said, "it's letting
in your ass."

some

fat rich fuck

it right
shook his head.

"Stop it, boy."

in your shorts,"
"All those days you sit around the house
ass.
now
And
this is how you act."
"while I bust my
He looked at me for a long time.
"You know what," he finally said. "I thought
good in the world, hiring an ignorant peckerwood
see where
it's got me."

I said,

doing some
orphan. But I can

I was

"You're just a sad old prick," I said.

I come back I expect
"Fm taking these boys out for dinner. When
your room to be emptied out and you and your dog to be gone."
"What does that mean?"
"You're fired," he said.
Then he walked away.
As far as the crying, it started up and I couldn't
angry more than anything.

stop

it. But Iwas

I got my stuff together and watched

my boss and those fucks
leave for town. As they drove away, Fatty was staring at me out the
and looking all nervous, but then my boss must have
back window
told him itwas okay, and the fat bastard smiled at me real wide and
turned back around.
I realized
That was when

I'd made

a mistake,

not

shooting

him

in the yard.
After my truck was

of
loaded, Iwalked
straight to the basement
tanks were, knocked the valves open
the propane
the lodge, where
and felt my hand get cold from all the gas coming out. The smell
left but charred
filled the house. One spark and there'd be nothing
timbers.
to the coops, opened all the doors and fired the
to
carbine in the air
get them moving. There must have been a hun
them all disappear down the valley.
dred birds. Iwatched
seat. I
in the passenger
I started the truck and The Wolf was
After

that Iwent

then stopped to check the map

the driveway,
Iwas going. I glanced back at the lodge, which
was going to blow any minute.
This is way too close, I thought, but
care.
I
didn't
decided
then
pulled a little down
and figure out where

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I was going. There wasn't

in
know where
any work
on
or
or
a
to
I
had
live
for
else.
month
Missoula,
enough
anywhere
I started.
I'd be just where
two, but eventually
sense. I saw how my
it all started making
Right then is when
uncle ended up standing on those rocks, looking out over the river.
I didn't

in the truck, fixed his driver's

license
left his keys and wallet
on his arm with duct tape.
in my hand and the safety was off. I didn't
The carbine was
it up. I thought about my boss and the pictures
remember picking
in every
of his fat-necked dead wife. They were
he had everywhere

He'd

even

the bathroom,
short and chunky with her hair gray and
out on one side. He'd told me once, when we were drunk,
like that because he'd never be able to stick
that he kept the pictures

room,

frizzed

a gun in his mouth,

not if she were
in the room watching
him. I
on the stock, across the
ran my fingers softly along the checkering
action, with the metal so warm from the sun, and I knew why those
days passed when my boss didn't leave the house.
the lodge, the gas was so strong I couldn't breathe. By the
I got to the cellar I was out of air. I felt my knees sag and I
closed the valves on the tanks, and it seemed like I should lie down
Instead I knocked out all the basement windows
and rest a minute.
Inside

time

with

a broom.

When

I opened my eyes Iwas outside.

was barking somewhere,
hoarse

The Wolf

as if she'd been

a long time. Iwas facing down the valley. The sun was
and the clouds were pouring down over the mountains.
My

boss was

kneeling next to me.

the hair out of my face.

brushing
"No hard feelings,"

he was

saying.

He was

going

nearly

cradling my

"No hard feelings."

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head

gone
and