TWENTY FOUR OR TWO DOZEN NASIR JOKES - 44

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No 1
DIVORCE SETTLEMENT
Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court
judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
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No 2
THE 7 LAWS OF T.V.
1)

The hero will always find a parking space.

2)

Police never wait for backup.

3)

If a woman is running away from someone, she will trip and fall.

4)

Cars will explode in all accidents, no matter how slight.

5)

Haunted houses are never locked.

6)
gh.

If a hero jumps hundreds of feet into water, it will always be deep enou

7)

Nobody on T.V. has time to watch T.V.

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No 3
JUST MARRIED
An old widow and widower named Mary and Steve get married. They are up
there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped the
y had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.
After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are ve
ry nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress in front of each other.
In the process, Mary, the old woman, removes her false teeth and puts th
em in a glass.
Mary then removes her prosthetic leg and leans it against the wall.
She looks up at her new groom and smiles nervously, and Steve is intentl
y watching...
Mary continues. She removes her bra which contains false inserts; she r
emoves a glass eye and gingerly places it in a special box on the nightstand.
Again she shyly smiles at her aged spouse, and Steve continues to stare
in an interested manner.
As Mary takes off her wig, she realizes that Steve is not making much pr
ogress in getting undressed. He's stopped undressing and is just staring at her

.
She asks him, "What are you waiting for?"
Steve quickly replies, "You know what I want. Take it off and throw it
over here!"
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No 4
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION
Be sure to read through to the bottom...
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Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent
to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
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No 5
BEST T-SHIRTS OF THE SUMMER
This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remem
ber It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
14)
(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
Fell Off

If You Can Read This, My Wife

15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

16)
(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up You
r Governor
17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party
er Charge

(on the back) With a $25,000 Cov

21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24) IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
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No 6
SAYINGS
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Smith & Wesson *ALWAYS* beats 4 Aces.

big enough hammer fixes anything
bird in the hand can be messy.
camel is a horse planned by committee.
chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
closed mind gathers no intelligence
closed mouth gathers no feet.
committee has 6 or more legs and no brain.
conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.

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critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.

cynic smells flowers and looks for the casket.
day for firm decisions! Or is it?
day not wasted is a day wasted!
day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
day without sunshine is like night.
diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
dirty book is rarely dusty.
fool and his money are soon SYSOP.
fool and his money rarely get together to start with.
fool must now and then be right by chance.
friend in need is a pest indeed...
friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
half moon is better than no moon at all.
harp is a nude piano.
hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.
library is an arsenal of liberty.
life lived in fear is half a life lived.
little greed can get you lots of stuff.
little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
living example of Artificial Intelligence.
man needs a good memory after he has lied.
man's best friend is his dogma.
man, a plan, a canal. Suez!
mind is a terrible thing to taste.
mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot..
neat desk is a sign of a sick mind.
pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
penny saved is a Governmental oversight.
perversion of nature....how exciting!
pessimist is never disappointed.
phaser on stun is like a day without orange juice.
rolling stone gathers momentum.
seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
single fact can spoil a good argument.
stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a moose.
waist is a terrible thing to mind.
yer ago I kudnt spel progremr now I are won.

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No 7
HORSE BUYING
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tell
s him, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and
I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the ownerasks if he wants a male
or female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?" So the owners picks up the midget and
shows him the horse's mouth. "Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes. "Ok, what about
the eerth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and sh
ows him the ears.

"OK, finally, can I thee her twat?"

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's vagi
na, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Ca
n I thee her wun
awownd?
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No 8
DOCTORS
There were two doctors talking and one said, "I had a patient today with
a dick like a dill pickle."
The other doctor said, "It was that green?"
The first doctor said, "No, that sour."
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No 9
TOP TEN INDEPENDENT POLITICAL PARTIES
10.
The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9.
The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
8.
The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THA
T?
7.
The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will y
a?
6.
The Private Party... No comment.
5.
The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4.
The Search Party... Looking for members.
3.
The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2.
Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1.
The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it we've already got Bush.
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No 10
NO CHANGE
My neighbour's young son swallowed a quarter, a dime and a nickle. He wa
s rushed to the hospital.
The next day I asked my neighbour how his son was doing , and he replied
, "no change yet".
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No 11
SAUSAGES
The waitress was waiting as patiently as he could while the smart-ass ma
n was dawdling over the breakfast menu.
He says: "I never return to a restaurant unless at least one of the saus
ages I'm served is a match in size for my own."
The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should take a look

at the children's menu."

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No 12
PRACTICAL
Q.
A.

What's a practical nurse?

One who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

Q.
What is life?
A.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the
faster it goes.
Q.
A.
.

How many actresses does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but you should have seen the line outside the producer's hotel room

Q.
A.

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?

By the lipstick on the cucumbers.

Q.
A.

If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?

The motorcyclist is. He shouldn't have been riding in the kitchen

Q.
A.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?

Because their balls fall over their assholes, leading to vapor-lock!

Q.
A.

Where do gays park?

In the rear.

Q.
A.

What do Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment.

Q.
A.

What do all smart asses have in common?

Wise cracks.

Q.
A.

What is a fish with out an eye look like?

Fsh

Q.
A.

What do you call a nun who sleepwalks?

A roamin Catholic.

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No 13
MONTANA POLICY
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on
the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We
don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The ba
rtender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent be
ars in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going
to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully be
ars in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He

comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry,
we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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No 14
JEWISH HUMOUR
Many a Jewish girl is still single these days. She just hasn't met Dr. R
ight yet.
An El Al flight is about to take over. Over the intercom the passengers
hear, "Ladies and
gentlemen, welcome aboard. Your hostesses are Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Ste
rn and Mrs. Esther Schwartz. Now let me introduce you to my son, the pilot."
Then there was the Jewish boy who flew to Tijuana for a quickie Bar Mitz
vah.
With more and more papers being declassified, some light has just been s
hed on the real reason the Israelis won the Six-Day War. It seems all the equip
ment was rented.
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No 15
AIR DISASTER
Poland's worst air disaster occurred early today when a two seat light p
lane, Cessna model 152, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Po
land.
Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and t
he number is expected to climb as digging continues into the night...
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No 16
HONEST
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent
, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-hous
e counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first
applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond q
uestion." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect.
"Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my fat
her lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every pen
ny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money
."
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No 17
ANSWER
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If t
hey failed, they would be on academic probation & not allowed to play in the big
game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Putty Duh was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he nee
ded to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't
watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to th
e last question?"
Tiny quietly laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't
noticed, then he turned to Putty Duh. "Putty, you're so stupid. Everyone knows
Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Putty Duh. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the bla
nk. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you s
pell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Putty Duh. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
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No 18
BAPTISM
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and
said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have
a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spi
ritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiske
y."
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No 19
DRIVER
The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a
cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, w
ho had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver ou
t of the wreck.
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.

"What the hell do you think I am, a stunt driver?"

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No 20
THE BUTTERFLY
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared;
he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its
body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It
appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther.
Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissor
s and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged e
asily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at an
y moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, whi
ch would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life cra
wling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the r
estricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the
tiny opening were nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly
into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom
from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If nature all
owed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We w
ould not be as strong as what we could have been.
And we could never fly...
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No 21
WATCH IT
Watch carefully how your date treats servers and other workers. It's how
you're going to get treated in six months.
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No 22
MONDAYS
You may not like Mondays, but they are one-seventh of your life.
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No 23
NEW DOUCHE
Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?
It's made of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Marijuana, and Arrid Xtra Dry. It l
eaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!
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No 24
BREAKFAST

John, looking as if he had lost his last friend, entered a restaurant on

e morning and sat down at a table. Said to the waitress, "Bring me two eggs frie
d hard, a slice of toast burned to a cinder, and a cup of very weak coffee."
As she set the order in front of him, she asked, "Anything else, sir?"
"Yes," he answered, "now sit down and nag me. I'm homesick."
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