TWENTY FOUR OR TWO DOZEN JOKES - 007

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No 1
SHEER LINGERIE
A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood.
He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find.
The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this
on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see
through that the old coot
won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not."
So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
"So, how do you like it?" she says.
"Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!"
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No 2
EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF HAVING SEX
*

I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.

We're out of paper bags for your head again.

*
You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to B
ig Foot.
*

You're 20 bucks short.

We're out of gin again.

I used my last sponge for the dishes.

Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.

*
.

I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those porno's

Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.

*
Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don'
t like seafood.
*

Before we get started I'd like to run down and buy some handcuffs.

I know it's unusual but sometimes a period does last a month!

I'm all out of condoms but I suppose I can find one we already used.

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No 3
SEX THERAPY ADVICE
An elderly couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife w
ent to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises.
He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.
Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband w
ent to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises.
She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet o
n the headboard.
About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at
the bed and said, "For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth bac
k in. You look just like your mother!"
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No 4
CRUSHED NUTS?
This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop. He has a hard time walking.
He is hunched over.
He goes up to the counter and says, "Banana Split, please."
The lady at the counter replies, "Crushed nuts?"
The old man says, "No, Arthritis!"
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No 5
TOO MUCH SEX
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the tim
e. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking
her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the night I'm with my husband!"
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No 6
CAN WE TALK?

Bob was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports p
ages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to
his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplug
ged the TV.
"Hey," Bob shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of sports, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched
me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Brett Fav
re gets laid?"
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No 7
SMART ASS REMARK
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for
not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a d
eath in the student's immediate family.
A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexua
l exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, an
d sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
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No 8
TOO BUSY
A young boy answered the phone in a whisper "Hello?"
The man at the other end asked to speak to his father.
The boy replied in a whispher "He can't come to the phone."
The man then asked to speak to his mother.
He again whispered "She's busy. She can't come to the phone either."
The man became confused and asked if anyone else was at the house with t
he boy.
"Yes," he wispered. "The police and the firemen are here too."
When the man asked to speak to one of them, hoping to finally get an adu
lt on the phone to find out what was going on, the boy again whispered "They're
busy too. They can't come to the phone either."
Finally the man asked the boy what his father, his mother, the police an
d the fire department were so busy doing that they could not come to the phone.
The boy whispered "They're looking for me."
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No 9
OLD PEOPLE'S PICKUP LINES

"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like ... where exactly are
we again?"

"Do you smell that? That's either love, or I used too much ointment this
morning."

"Yes, I'm 92 ... but I have the body of a 78-year-old."

"WHO'S your granddaddy?"

*
"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair
, too."
*
"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about coming home with me and
... Z-Z-Z-Z-ZZ-Z-Z-Z."
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No 10
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WIVES
01.

The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

02.

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

03.

If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

04.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

05.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

06.

Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

07.

A dog's parents never visit.

08.

Dogs do not hate their bodies.

09.

Dogs agree you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10.

Dogs do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

12.

Dogs can't talk.

13.

Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14.

You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day

15.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16.

Dogs like to go hunting.

17.

Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18.
ou.

If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of y

19.
A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get ano
ther dog?"

20.
e.

If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for fre

21.

If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22.
ert..

A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a perv

23.

A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24.
If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think
it's interesting.
25.

On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26.

Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27.

When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28.

Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29.

Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.

30.

If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff

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No 11
7 DWARFS
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs.
As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his
hand to ask a question.
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'
'No, Dopey,' responds the Pontiff, 'there are not.'
'Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?' Dopey questions.
'No, Dopey,' the Pope chuckles, 'there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'
'Mr Pope,' Dopey asks pleadingly, 'are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in
the world?'
'No, Dopey,' the Pope says sadly, 'there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in t
he world.'
And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, '
Dopey f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.'
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No 12
THE TOP 12 CARTOON CHARACTER PICK-UP LINES
Wimpy -- "I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today."
Foghorn Leghorn -- "Ah say, boy, ah say, you've got it all wrong. Those
little chickens you've
been chasing around are roosters. What

you want is a big ol' hen, like me."

Bart Simpson -- "Eat my shorts, ma'am!"
Batman -- "Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy
Wonder?"
Speedy Gonzales -- "Senorita, it's just a nickname!"
Pepe LePew -- "But, mon cherie -- I don't smell any worse than anyone el
se in France."
Ross Perot -- "I'm worth $4 billion."
Porky Pig -- "L-L-Let's go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu.
.. hump."
Popeye -- "I'm strong to the finish 'cause I takes Viagra!"
Pinocchio -- "Hey, I *am* a woody!"
Underdog -- "My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true
, can I sniff your
rear?"
Tweety Bird -- "I wuuuv to eat putty!"
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No 13
SIGNS YOUR SOFT DRINK CONTAINS VIAGRA:
*

Available in two terrific flavors: 7" Up and Mount 'n' Do.

The wife's pouring it on your corn flakes.

Its theme song is "I'd Like To Teach The World To Schwing."

*
As you walk away from the recycling bin, you can hear the cans un-crushi
ng themselves.
*
Those Mountain Dew guys can finally express their true feelings for one
another.
*

When you shake it up, it pays you 50 dollars.

New surprisingly graphic 7-Up label banned in 37 countries.

*
Severe headache, upset stomach, blue-tinted vision-- oh wait, that's jus
t regular ol' Diet
Mountain Dew.
*

The fast food kid's remark: "Oh, it'll be super-sized, alright."

*
When you dump a cooler of it over your coach's head, his hair goes all D
on King.
*

In the blind taste test, it's pretty obvious which one guys prefer.

*
The Pepsi Challenge now involves a stopwatch, 2 quarts of Mazola, and th
e Rockettes.
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No 14
BIG BAD WOLF
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the fore
st.
Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or
else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your boobies dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take t
he shortcut through the forest anyway.
The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path
, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your boobies dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest.
Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take o
ff your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your boobies dry!!".
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're
gonna eat me just like the story says!"
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No 15
MIDLIFE FOR WOMEN
*

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay
someone to look at you naked.

*
Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no l
onger women in
sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
*
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can se
e your rear end
without turning around.
*

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize
it is the only time
someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery
store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce dep
artment.
*
Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's mo
re like Splat!)
*
Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're
now sitting on your
biggest ones.
*
no.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife ...jiggly, yes; jiggy,

*
Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNall
y. (more red and
blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the
state of Wisconsin).
*
Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top a
nd scream, "Listen,
honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those thi
ngs will too!

*
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-s
willing, beeper-wearing
know-it-all teenager and think, "For thi
s I have stretch marks?
*
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you sti
ll retain is water.
*
You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" qu
estions-- what is life,
why am I here...how much Healthy Choice
ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy
choice?
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No 16
INJURED DOG?
Little Johnny was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out t
he window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollere
d, "Hey, everyone! look at that!"
The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.
A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was those two dogs d
oing?
The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on th
e bottom was helping him get home.
Little Johnny then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like life, you try to
help someone out and end up getting screwed?"
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No 17
MAN AND WOMAN AT A BAR
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument abou
t who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think
we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"Good Point!" the woman countered. "However, Think about this...when you
r ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it ou
t, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
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No 18
THINGS PRISON GUARDS HATE
*

Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.

Coming up with two too many after a head count.

Having to break up a gang bang in the shower.

Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.

The fact that the inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.

Having a new neighbor move in next door that looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.

Being on a first name basis with a serial sex killer.

Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.

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No 19
FISH AND CHIPS
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests sh
elter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was treated to the b
est fish and chips she had ever tasted.
After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met
by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael, and this is Brother Ch
arles."
"I'm very please to meet you," replies the nun. I just wanted to thank
you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips wre the best I've ever had. Out
of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and said "Then you must be.....?"
"Yes, I'm, afraid so----I am the chip monk."
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No 20
HOW TO GET RID OF JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES
1.

Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)

2.
Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long t
heir spirit of charity
lasts.
3.
Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" Thi
s might take a
while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing
bets on how long it takes for them to
get flustered and leave.
4.
Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" iden
tity (Jesus or God),
repeat constantly. You may have to resort to ano
ther method to actually get rid of them, but
this will definitely mak
e them sweat.
5.
back.

Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) ... and don't come

6.
Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (bookie, o
rder for pornography,
drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL t
here, a tearful confession to the police for the
murder of the la
st Witnesses who visited you.)
7.
Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the
etc.) and giggle whenever
they utter it. If they ask you what's going on,
say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and
giggle again.

8.

Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

9.
(males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through,
begin putting on
make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole wor
ks. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...]
througho
ut and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when
you
are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have
a hot date in ten minutes.
10.

Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

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No 21
AUSSIE WELL THAT ENDS WELL...
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and ye
lls, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya thinK you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. You g
ot me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth She
ila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." And drives
off.
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No 22
A CURE FOR WHAT AILS YA...
Akmed came to the United States from Afghanistan, and he was only here a
few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but none of
them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.
The doctor said, "Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de bu
cket, pee on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and breathe in d
e fumes for ten minutes."
Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pee
d on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was
it?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
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No 23
FIRST LOVE...
Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where h
e'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It wa
s a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree
and made love for hours," Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing ri

ght there watching us."

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to he
r daughter?".....
"Baaaaaaa." said Joe.
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No 24
WHO IS THE OWNER
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a bea
utiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 mo
dels. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a real
ly good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..
."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and..
.I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked
at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acr
e of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much
in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while hol
ding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone b
elongs to?"
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