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How to control negative emotions. What to Know.

What to
Think. What to Do
This post reveals the issue of how to control your negative emotions. The article will reflect
three levels of emotion management: Know, Think and Do.
First of all, you should know some things about the nature of emotions. The lack of ability to
manage your feelings is related to some beliefs and stereotypes. In the Know Section, Im going
to dispel these false beliefs and tell you why negative emotions need to be controlled, and whether
this control is possible or not. Also, I will tell you what exactly I mean by negative emotions.

In the Think Section, I will tell you about what rational attitudes you should get rid of in order not
to let your feelings constantly gain upper hand over you, about what exactly you should think if you
want to overcome your negative emotions.
Do is the part of the article, which is closely related to practice. In this part, I will describe the
specific techniques by means of which you will be able to manage your emotions, to relax, to get
rid of your anger, fear and panic.
These three sections reflect the actual steps of negative emotion management. First, you should
know something about emotions. Second, you will need the ability to direct your thinking in the
right way and to get rid of the thoughts, which prevent you from gaining the upper hand over your
emotions. Third, you will definitely need to master the techniques, which allow you to pull yourself
together and to settle your thinking.
Emotion management is a difficult, many-sided and complex process and I tried to reveal its steps
more fully. Therefore, the article is very informative.
Self-control is an art and a science. You should know a lot of things in order to master the skill. I
hope that you will get the maximum information from my article.

Lets start considering things in their proper order

Part 1: Know
1 Emotions Can Be Controlled
I cannot say that the idea of emotion control is popular in our society. The whole mass culture is
permeated by the atmosphere of emotion domination over our personality.
The plot of classic literature is built around the mad passions overcoming the heroes: thirst of
revenge, lust, uncontrolled passion, fear.
The movie characters commit inconsiderable and fatal acts in the name of love and greed of gold.
On TV screen and theater stages, we constantly see strong emotions: people are swearing, yelling,
getting ticked off and crying.
The western art is sealed with a human servility toward violent feelings and sudden impulses.
We used to think that our emotions represent a certain primacy of our personality, which
completely determines its behavior. Many of us treat feelings, as an uncontrollable element that we
cannot tame. It seems to us that all we have to do is to obey this element.
Like ancient people who worshiped the element, which they could not control and understand,
people idolize their emotions. They take mad sensual impulses as beauty, poetry, inexorable fate,
predestination and inevitability. They blame their feelings on their actions (I was angry, annoyed
and I could not help myself, so Im not guilty).
But, contrary to fashion, popular opinions of emotions can be controlled. Its time to break down
stereotypes)!

From Sciences Point of View


One may ask: how can we implement self-control regarding the fact that humans personality is
something uniform and indivisible? If it, this personality, experiences emotions, then by means of
what are they controlled? In other words, how to control the emotions being inside that personality,
which itself experiences emotions?
I will answer this way.
Regardless the fact the brain represents a uniform organism it is divided into sections,
departments, each of which has its own functions and can interfere with the functions of other
departments. You can draw an analogy with a business corporation. A firm progress toward a goal

and all its departments are directed to maintain this goal, which is achieved by the coordinated
operation of these departments.
However, some company departments can work worse than others, for example, showing some
lack of discipline. It does not mean that the whole corporation is undisciplined, and it does not
reflect the fact that the problem cannot be eliminated. Other departments can have an impact on
certain parts of the organization; for example, improving the discipline with the help of new
technologies of controlling the employees work. It is possible to say that the corporation controls
itself.
The same thing occurs in the brain, in which we see the work and cooperation of different
departments.
Impulsive desires originate in the limbic part of the brain, and self-control originates in the
prefrontal cortex. When we try not to eat in the evening the cake we want, the prefrontal cortex is
activated, and runs the self-control.
From neurobiologys point of view, the self-control is certainly possible.
There are known cases, when as a result of brain injuries, the prefrontal cortex got damaged, and
people with such an injury almost completely lost the ability to control their desires (for example,
they sexually harassed their relatives).
A well-developed self-control reflects the developed brain and mature consciousness. Who of
people control their desires and feelings worst? Children! Because their brains are not as developed
as the adult ones.
The same goes for animals, whose behavior is based on instincts and they have few opportunities
to get involved in their work.
But the brain of a mature person is much better developed, than the animals brain. A person
possesses autonomy! If a person controls his emotions badly, then he is likened to children or
animals.
It is possible to improve the work of our prefrontal cortex. I will tell about it in the Do part of this
article.

From Daily Experiences Point of View


If we talk about daily experience, then we can see that it also has no denials to this conclusion.
Each of us can make sure that it is possible to control the emotions. After all, the ability to self-

control varies from person to person. Someone, because of his profession, has to control his
feelings constantly, such as service workers or professional poker players.
Look at these people; if they learned to control their emotions in the course of their life, then it is
possible. A person can develop the ability to control his feelings by himself. The greatest skill in this
ability has been achieved by yogis and monks that belong to the Eastern and other religions. You
dont have to become a Buddhist monk in order to control your passions.
But we can learn from them a lot of useful techniques. And this is also the subject of this article.

From My Own Experiences Point of View


My own experience testifies that the control of feelings is certainly possible. Some time ago, I was
very emotional. I always had negative experiences and could not help myself. I was regularly losing
my composure; I was angry, nervous and afraid. As a result of my emotionality, I made a lot of
inconsiderable decisions and had a lot of problems.
There was a time, when I also thought that I cannot control my emotions. I thought that I was
what I was, and I would not be able to change myself. Because emotions are a part of me! But,
since then, a lot of time has passed. I still can experience negative emotions and I am not always
able to get them under control. But now it happens not so often, and I manage to pull myself
together oftener.
Due to this, my life has become happier. I have gained the freedom from destructive emotions. I
began to control them, not allowing them to control me! I can conclude that in a few years I have
achieved some success in controlling my emotions; therefore, I have no doubts regarding persons
capabilities to self-control. In this article, I am ready to share this experience with you.

2 You are the source of negative emotions


It is wrong to attribute the occurrence of emotions to the outside world. Emotions represent simply
your reaction to the events of the outside world. This statement is proved by the fact that the
reaction to the same circumstances vary from person to person.
You can manage this reaction by yourself.

3 Negative Emotions Lead To Suffering


This is a very banal statement, which will surely seem obvious to everyone. But, its not all that
simple. Let me clarify and explain to you, what I mean by negative emotions, because all
reasonings of this article are based on this meaning.

Negative emotions are not necessarily associated with a feeling of discomfort.


Deceptive momentary pleasure lies in some negative experiences, that is why these emotions are
so attractive and many people are subject to them.
The comparison of emotions with the influence of drugs, which are addictive and bring harm to the
body, will manifest the best explanation of the statement. These drugs can also bring some
temporary pleasure, but in some long-term perspective, you will have to pay for this delight a
terrible price in the form of a ruined body and loss of life goals. As a result, it will lead you only to
suffering.
Our negative experiences have similar effect. Lets take, for example, pride. On the one hand,
people, who are highly susceptible to this feeling, are highly pleased to hear flattery directed to
them and to see their own superiority over others. But on the other hand, they are very sensitive
to criticism, are constantly busy to prove their right to others, and suffer if they fail to enlist
universal recognition and respect.
We can say that the proud peoples suffering is balanced by the pleasure that they get, when they
delight their ego, but it is not true. The pride ideal universal love towards you, perfect I.
These ideals are essentially not achievable. It is impossible to make everyone love you, as well as it
is impossible to be ideal.
Therefore, proud people are doomed to experience more pain than pleasure and bring suffering to
others. The attempt to grasp this deceptive pleasure, which gives passion satisfaction, to make it
permanent and to stop the moment is doomed to failure. Just the same is the attempt to grab
the carrot in front of you, tied to a stick, which is attached to your head.
It is impossible to satiate the pride once and for all. This passion will demand more and more. And
the more you indulge it, the greater the demands of the vice, and the more you need to do in order
to satisfy these demands and to feel the short pleasure connected to the complied desire.
Therefore, the amount of suffering, which you experience, is increased, because it becomes more
and more difficult to satisfy the desires, while every persons possibilities are limited. The analogy
with the narcotic substance is here most obvious.
Like the drug, emotions deprive you of freedom of will. You choose what to do no longer, because
your emotions decide everything for you: you tumbled over someone to please him/her, you are
angry with your loved ones, you are crying and cursing the fate, you are swearing at your work
colleagues and you cant help yourself.

Being overwhelmed with passions and thirst of your satisfaction, you become like a drug addict
who is busy searching for a new dose of the drug, although he perfectly knows that this path leads
only to suffering.
Some emotions cause nothing but suffering, such as fear and agitation. Of course, these feelings
arise in a person for a reason. We cannot say that fear is only a negative and useless feeling. Fear
is designed to signal the danger. In the wild, this feeling aims at maintaining the individual survival.
Agitation reports about a problem by directing your thoughts in the direction of its solution.
But often, these emotions perform no useful function. A quite normal protective fear can be
transformed into phobias and uncontrollable social fears. Agitation can turn into nervousness on
every occasion.
I cannot classify, for example, fear only to negative feelings, because it, in certain manifestations,
represents protective function.
Within the division of emotions into positive and negative, I use the quantity criterion that is set by
the power of our experiences and their influence on our lives. There is nothing wrong with the
sexual desire itself. But when the desire is transformed into lust and becomes unmanageable, it
passes to the negative emotion rank. (Yes, I attribute some physiological needs to emotions as
well: need for food, need for sex. After all, these needs have a profound impact on our sensual
world.)
The same is true of the need for eat. Even the feeling of being in love needs to be controlled,
because it can lead to inconsiderable acts. The same feelings can be both positive (or neutral) and
negative.
Not all pleasant feelings are positive, and not all unpleasant are negative.
For example, I cannot attribute the malicious pleasure, which many people experience, when
people around them are in a bad way, to positive emotions, despite the fact that it is a pleasant
feeling. After all, this feeling results from envy and personal problems.
And the anxious feeling, which arises when you remember that you forgot to take your child
away from the kindergarten is not a negative emotion. You do not have to think about how to get
rid of this feeling, just because it is unpleasant. Get into the car and take your child!
I want to say that negative emotions are those emotions that bring unhappiness to you and to
people around you, they deprive you of freedom of will and do not bring you any benefit,
irrespective of the fact whether these feelings are pleasant or unpleasant!

For a good reason I headlined the section with the principle of relations between suffering and
negative emotions. Namely it determines the moment, the extremum point, when our emotions
serve no survival purpose and convert to negative emotion rank!
This principle explains why you need to control your emotions. It should be done in order to get rid
of suffering, lack of freedom and bad consequences caused by inconsiderable actions.
I examine the definition of negative emotions in detail. The reader should clearly understand the
terms used by the author.
I agree with the Christian concept of the seven deadly sins, although I am not a religious person. I
believe that the listed vices are the cause of many human sufferings. By my list of negative
emotions will be wider, than the seven deadly sins of Christianity.
I attribute the following things to the negative emotions: phobias, envy, exaggerated vanity,
laziness, depression, offense, anxiety, lust, gluttony, boredom, addiction, servility, cowardice,
shyness, self-doubt, self-accusation tendency and other emotions.

4 Managing Does Not Mean Suppressing


There is a popular misconception nowadays, according to which, emotions are the most natural
manifestation of our personality, and the attempt to hold them back will only hide them and will
drive them deep into the psyche, which is fraught with bad consequences.
This belief is based on the Freudian interpretation, perhaps even on the incorrect interpretation of
this psychology direction. This opinion is true concerning only the application to a limited number of
situations. In general, the emotion control is not a concept identical to emotion suppression.

The emotion suppression is associated with situations, when we simply get distracted from
unpleasant experiences, mask them, for example, by means of alcohol, when we do not want to

understand the reasons that have generated these emotions, and simply try to get distracted from
them and to escape them. Then, of course, they will not disappear.
The emotion control is related to the source elimination of experiences, problem solving, emotion
acceptance and their analysis, getting rid of negative reason affirmations, use of effective selfcontrol methods, etc.. In short, self-control is much more difficult than feeling suppression, but it is
much more effective.
Sometimes, in order to get rid of negative emotions, it is necessary to solve a problem and to
understand yourself. In other cases, you can simply relax and get rid of stress, and this will lead to
getting rid of bad experiences.
Imagine that you had a difficult and long day at work. You came home angry because you were
very tired. But then, you took a relaxing bath and your irritation passed! Can you say that you
have suppressed your feelings? No, because they were caused solely by fatigue, and having got rid
of that, you got rid of the accompanying feelings.
But not all emotional problems can be solved this way. In many situations, you need to understand
and find the problem source.

5 You Are Not Your Emotions


This idea may seem strange. After all, we are used to identify ourselves with our emotions. We
consider feelings as integral parts of our self. But is this really so?
When I say that emotions are not a part of your self, I dont want simply to say that under the
influence of emotions you cease to be yourself. I want to emphasize that your true self lies much
deeper than emotional experiences. And if you learn to feel this self, stable and independent of
temporary feelings, then your emotions will not have an impact on your behavior.
In this case, you will learn to recognize negative emotions as something external to your self,
something that stands somewhere on the surface and does not reach the center of your
personality.
This does not necessarily mean that you will get rid of any emotions completely. You will simply
cease to identify yourself with them. Feelings can still occur. For example, you will experience a
surge of anger. Your heart will speed up, your facial skin will redden, your nostrils will dilate, but
you will be not there! You will understand that: its not me! and its not a part of me!
Feelings will cease to bring you into emotional intoxication, and you will learn to withstand them!

I never cease to quote Guy Ritchies movie Revolver: The greatest con, that he ever pulled
was making you believe that he is you. By he is meant a personalized set of fears, complexes,
false thoughts, the alter-ego of the movies main character (Jake). The alter-ego confronts Jake
and tries to have the whip hand over him. When Jake ceases to identify himself with his alter-ego
by realizing: you are not me; he wins it and is out of his control! Now he controls the Ego, not
Ego controls him.
You can watch the movie scene at the end of the article about panic attacks. This scene, perhaps,
is the best embodied in a cinema explanation of the idea about the identity absence between your
true self and your primitive, emotional Ego.
Stop identifying yourself with your primitive, limbic brain!
The feeling that you are your emotions is a deception, an illusion. Getting rid of this illusion is an
important, but difficult step to control your feelings.
However, this is not the final victory yet.

6 Emotions Are Not Irremovable Qualities of Our Personality


Another dangerous misconception is associated with the fact that the tendency to experience
certain emotions is understood as a personal quality that cannot be influenced in any way. We say:
I am irritable, impulsive, irascible, envious, shy, prone to lie, lazy. I am what I am, and I cannot
change myself.
This is a lie and an illusion. The personality tendency to certain experiences manifests just some
habits, which we can change, just like any other habit. Each of us can become the person he wants
to be: free from negative emotions and able to control himself, not giving his feelings power over
himself! Everyone is able to do this. I have dwelt on the topic in the article Is It Possible to
Change Your Personality, therefore I will not mention it here again.

Part 2: Think
Further in this part, we will speak about reason affirmations, which help you manage the emotions.

1 Take Responsibility for Your Emotions


In the first part of the article I wrote that you are the source of your emotions. Consequently, you
are responsible for them as well. For example, you lose your temper and are rude to your neighbor,
not because he insulted your dignity, but because you responded to the insult. When you came
from work in the evening and said a few hurtful words to you wife, you did it not because you were
tired and you had a lot of stress, but because you were unable to cope with this stress.
Taking responsibility for your emotions does not mean that you should blame yourself for
everything.

I must say at once that emotions are very difficult to control it takes practice and discipline. Even
when you make great strides in self-control, you will fail to control your emotions. If you blame
yourself for every such case, nothing good will come of it.
Taking responsibility means looking after yourself constantly, finding the source of your feelings
inside you, working with it and not blaming external circumstances for everything: the hard work,
strict boss or boors on the roads.
Taking responsibility means not blaming your feelings for your actions as if it they represent an
element that you cannot cope with. Fatigue, stress, offense are not the excuse for your actions.
Your rudeness toward other people does not excuse the fact that you were too emotional, when
you yelled at someone. This means that you did not make sure that you can control them.
Taking responsibility is a resolute and courageous act. This is an important step toward self-control.
Therefore, when you think about your emotions, consider them on the part of the subject, i.e. you.
You should think I feel, and not something makes me feel.
You should think
Im worried about money, but not the lack of money makes me worry.
Remember, you are the source of your feelings, not the external reality.

2 Think of Your Emotions As of Other Persons Feelings


This section complements the previous paragraph.
When you make judgments about your feelings, try to distance yourself from them. Suppose a
psycho cut you off on the road, you are full of indignation and you say to yourself: What a wretch!
How dare he to do that? Plague on him! How can one drive like that?
Imagine that you express all the accumulated bitterness to your imaginary psychologist, who
quietly listens to your abuse and complaints about the idiots, who filled the city roads.
But the doctor was not with you in the car, when the incident took place. He had a good day and he
does not share your indignation. And he needs to diagnose you. What will he write down in his
notebook? He is not likely to write something like: Some idiot thinks he is the main person on the
road and cuts my patients off!
He would rather make a note: The patient experiences some irritation because of unfamiliar
peoples actions, whom he meets on the road.

The doctor is not involved in the sensual world of the patient and does not render him undue
familiarity. His task is to make an obvious diagnosis and put on medication.
Therefore, when you analyze your feelings, imagine that you are the patient and the doctor in one
person.
Make yourself a clear diagnosis, deprive your thoughts about your emotions of the excess content
and think of them as about some objective facts, not about some external events.
Do not think:
My neighbor bought a new car, which is more expensive than mine. Where from he got the money
for it? He got it (money) due to some dishonest means for sure.
Do think:
I envy my neighbor again.
It will teach you to see the source of your feelings inside you and not to identify yourself with
them.

3 Get rid of negative attitudes


Many emotions originate from our way of thinking and our internal attitudes. To combat the
negative emotions, you need to get rid of some attitudes. For example:

I have to be better than others in every particular.


The implementation of this desire is not possible, because there are no perfect people and you
cannot be better than others in every particular. There will always be someone, who will be better
than you at something. And there is nothing wrong with that, this is a normal thing. That is the
reason why people learn from each other, share their experience and adopt other peoples
strengths.
Both society and personal developments are built on the interchange of knowledge and skills.
If you rely only on yourself and believe in the fact that you have to be the best, then, you will
suffer, because you will never be able to fulfill that desire. And instead of learning from other
people, you will grieve over the fact that they are superior to you at something.

Everyone should treat me well.


It is impossible, quite the same as it is impossible to be better than others in every particular. No
matter how good you are, you are not likely to be able to win the love and respect of each certain

person. There will always be some people, who will not feel sympathy for you. And those people,
who treat you badly, are not necessarily bad people.
And if someone does not like you, it does not always mean that you are bad. Every person is a
whole individuality. And often, peoples attitude towards other people depend on personal
affirmations, education, principles, available information, mental state and many other internal
factors on which you have no influence.
The problem of the attitude towards you is not always your personal problem! And it depends not
only on you, but also on your perceiving subject.
Therefore, it is impossible to please all and sundry. Consequently, what is the point of worrying
about this?
But a bad attitude towards you is not always just the problem of another person. Sometimes it can
point you to your weaknesses. And if so, then a bad, but fair, opinion on you will bring you only
benefits, because you can change yourself thanks to it! Its a good thing; therefore, it makes no
sense to worry about it! And if this opinion is not fair whats the point of worrying about that?

Other people always care for me.


No need to think that everyone constantly notice your every blunder and follow your every word.
People are worried about their own problems, not about your behavior. Therefore, no need to worry
so much about the fact that you took a drop too much, that you looked inappropriately, that your
words might offend someone
The actions, about which you are worried, often go unnoticed by others.

I have to be always right.


Each person can make a mistake. And you are not an exception. You are not always right, even
when you are sure of it. And if you think that only you are right, then such attitude will prevent you
from being flexible, changing your views, if previously they were wrong, or simply supplementing
them.
Each persons experience is limited and therefore the opinions, based on this experience, are often
wrong or incomplete. Exchange of opinions between people should enrich each individual. But this
will not happen, if you think that only your opinion is true. And you will suffer, because the reality
will sometimes show you how much you are mistaken. This is quite normal and you should accept
this fact, not feeling frustrated about it.

I should prove that I am right to those who disagree with me.


No, you shouldnt. You will never convince some people that you are right, even if you are really
close to the truth and infallible in logic. Therefore, the attempts to convince someone of something
are often doomed to failure and cause only mutual indignation of both parties of the dialogue.
Many people will never accept your views and beliefs, no matter how right they may seem to you.
What of the fact that people disagree with you? Whats the difference? Even if you manage to
convince them, what will you gain by that? Quite often nothing at all!

I should respond to every insult against me.


No, you shouldnt! If the neighbors dog barks at you, you do not have to bark back at it. The fact
that someone offended you should not create a problem for you. It is just a personal problem of
the person, who insulted you, not yours.
There is a great Buddhist parable. Once the Buddha and his disciples passed by a village. The
village people began to insult the Buddha, but he did not react to it. The Buddhas disciples began
to ask the teacher, why he did not respond to such vile insults.
The Buddha said: I am a free man and my actions result from my inner state. Nothing can
manipulate me, including other peoples insults. I am the master of my state.
In his turn, the Buddha asked his disciples: When we passed by another village, people carried us
food, but we were not hungry and gave them back their food, what did they do with it?
Apparently, they, after taking it back from us, handed it to their children and animals.
It is so, replied the Buddha. I do not accept your insults, as I have not taken the food from the
other villages inhabitants. I give your indignation back to you. Do with it, whether you want.

3.1 Get Rid of Any Affirmations Containing Should


Have you noticed the element that combines all the principles, which I have outlined above? The
word should. This word reflects your expectations.
Frustration is often born from awareness of distinction between your expectations and what reality
in fact is:

Everyone should treat me respectfully

Everything should be fair

The government should be humane

Make it a rule that one owes nothing to anyone. The principle that someone owes you something
exists only in your head, while the reality exists according to its own laws.
Accept the reality as it is and people as they really are.

4 Think of Other Peoples Motives


Try to understand what other people think and feel when their actions bring you irritation. Think,
why other people act in this way and not in the other one?
I will give you a little hint: everyone acts the way he thinks is right. That is, people commit actions,
which you do not approve, according to some personal internal reasons, their notions of good and
bad, and their logic.
If you try to understand this logic, the actions of other people will cease to cause you so many
negative emotions.
And you can make a surprising discovery: many actions and motives, for which you hate other
people, are characteristic to you as well!
For example, someone unjustly yelled at you and because of that you experience strong emotions.
Take a look at the situation through the eyes of that man. Maybe he had a reason for it? Maybe he
was tired; maybe he was brought up that way and your act caused his indignation, though you,
due to your views, do not see anything wrong with that; maybe he simply does not know what you
know; maybe looks at the situation from a different perspective?
Try to think about it. And decide for yourself, havent you been unfair to other people as well?

5 Be Aware of How Temporary Your Emotions Are


At the moment you are angry, and you think, that right now, there is nothing more important than
the way you feel. But what will happen to these feelings tomorrow? In a week? In a year?
What is the value of these experiences in the context of the rest of your life? You will soon forget
about it or you will remember this as a regrettable incident. For you, it will turn into nothing.
You will forget about all psychos on the road, intrigues at work, random people on public transport.
Think of it every time you are worried about something, or get angry. When the situation that
emotionalize seems important and fatal. Will it remain so important over time?

6 Rely on Logic And Critical Analysis

Analyze your emotions. Ask yourself the following questions:

What for? Whats the point?

Where will this lead to?

What are my prospects?


For example, you are worried about tomorrows meeting. Ask yourself: why are you worried?
Whats the point? Will it help you prepare for the meeting better? I doubt it. Where will worry lead
to? To nothing good: I will devour my heart and I will sleep badly before an important event. And it
can have a negative impact on the meeting results.
Is the meeting really so scary, as my imagination captured by agitation draws it to me? What
exactly I am afraid of? I will not get fired in case of failure. And even if I get fired, I will find
another job. In fact, work is not the most important thing in life. There is nothing to be afraid of.
People idolize their emotions; they are used to see them as some relentless fate, which can be
taken for granted without asking why do I need it? For example, when you experience a severe
attack of anger, you do not ask Why. Subconsciously you believe that you should get angry,
because you feel that way.
You should destroy this unconscious belief. To do this, you should be well aware of how much
benefit and how much damage these emotions bring to you and surrounding persons.
Constantly ask yourself:

Why should I envy? What should I get, except suffering?

Why should I be lazy? What will it bring to me, except works postponed for later?

Why do I get involved into pointless disputes? Whats the point? Can I have something
from it, except irritation and senselessly wasted time? Should I continue this absurd process?

Why do I get angry? My anger does harm to me and to people around me. What happens
if I yell at a person? Will it help him understand his shortcomings better? Will he treat me better?
Will it help me be more fair and tolerant to him?

Why I am afraid of something? If it is dangerous for me, then I should take measures and
there is no point to be afraid of. And if there is no danger, then there is nothing to be afraid of at
all.
Analyze not only the emotions, which you are experiencing right now, but also be aware of the
consequences of your past emotions. How much suffering and spoiled relations did anger bring to
you.

How many missed opportunities did lazy bring to you. How much spirit you wasted, because of
your constant worry?
Learn to accept negative emotions as obstacles in your life journey, of which you can get rid, and
not as givenness that you cannot cope with.
Do not be afraid to ask yourself the questions, Why and Whats the point. This will help you
understand the role of negative emotions in your life and realize that these feelings do not lead to
positive results and, therefore, you do not need them.

Of course, with the help of logic you can find out how many feelings of yours are meaningless. If
you analyze every arising negative feeling, then you will inevitably come to the conclusion that
worrying about something is pointless. Why should you worry about the problems that you cannot
solve? And if you can solve them, all the more reason not to worry at all!
Unfortunately, only logic and analysis are not sufficient to control your emotions.
Feelings will still appear, no matter what you may think. Emotion control is a complex process.
Getting rid of negative attitudes, taking responsibility for emotions, relying on logic and use
knowledge about the emotion nature are not enough. You should also act, use practices that
develop your prefrontal cortex and your skill of self-control. Namely this we will discuss in the next
section.

Part 3 Do
In this part of the article, I will list the applied methods of emotion control. And I will arrange them
in the following order: from fast, operational methods that allow controlling feelings in real time, to
methods that systematically develop your self-control at all times.

The latter methods are no less important, than the first ones.
After all, the emotion control is a complex skill. There are no quick and safe ways, which can help
you pull yourself together in absolutely any situation; therefore, you should constantly improve
your self-control.

1 Take 10 Breathing Cycles


Before making any inconsiderable action yelling at someone, getting involved into a pointless
argument slowly breathe in and breathe out for ten times with the same duration. Count to
yourself the duration of tidal breathing.
Breathing should be slow and carried out with the help of the diaphragm. When you are full of
emotions, you breathe often, your chest rises and falls. You should slow down your breathing and
move it to the diaphragm.
This exercise will help you de-stress and stop worrying. Do it before an important event or after it,
when you have to calm down and pull yourself together.

2 Be Aware of Your Emotions


Instead of banishing negative emotions, accept them. It sounds a little bit paradoxical in the task
context of getting rid of bad feelings. I will explain.
No need to try to get distracted from experiences and to focus your attention on something else.
Doing this, you simply quash your feelings, and do not get rid of them. Instead of this, when you
realize that you want to insult someone, simply direct your attention to this feeling.
Try to see what is going on in your head and in your body. Your breath accelerated, blood driven to
your head and pressure increased. Your mind is shrouded solely by thoughts of how bad is your
abuser, how much you hate him, how much you want to put him in his place, though earlier you
get along well and no such feeling ever occurred.
Keep track of your reaction, look inside you, accept your feelings, watch them, but do not get
involved in them! Only then they will pass.

3 Do Not Be Afraid of Emotional Discomfort. Just Do It.


The fear of unpleasant experiences hinders your emotion control. Suppose you want to get
acquainted with a girl, but because of your shyness you are afraid to approach her.
What are you afraid of? Of failure? Of the fact that people will laugh at you? Not really. You are
afraid of unpleasant experiences, which you will get, if these events occur.

Do not be afraid of them! Endure them! Perceive them as a slight pain that anyone can endure. The
unpleasant feelings are not a big deal at all.
Disregard all the thoughts that prevent you from acting, just step over this short-term pain and
discomfort, it isnt so difficult!
Lets consider another situation. What will happen to you, if you stop arguing with someone, let
him have his own opinion and stop convincing him? Its difficult to be done. You will feel strong
resistance, if you get involved in the dispute already. Its like drug craving of a drug addict. This is
a destructive emotional craving. Dont identify yourself with it!
Affirm to yourself that the dispute will take you nowhere and endure the internal resistance, which
will soon pass.

4 Accept Reality as It Is
I have already raised this question in the section about negative attitudes. But I will dwell on this
here, because this is very important! Acceptance is one of the main human virtues.
It consists in accepting things as they are. People are unfair, silly and cruel. You also happen to be
unfair, silly and cruel. Its a fact of life that you cannot negate. All you have to do is to accept it.
Many people behave impolitely on the roads. Its a fact of life, accept it.
Your colleagues think only of their career promotion and do not help you. Its a fact of life, accept
it.
You are not always the person you want to be. Its a fact of life, accept it.
Attention! Acceptance is not identical to blind submission in front of your and other peoples
weaknesses, which is expressed in the statement: I am who I am and I cannot help it.
Accepting does not mean to lose heart and obediently accept what reality dictates you. You should
act, try to change and improve conditions of your life.
But you cannot affect everything, change everything and all you have to do is either feel endless
frustration about it, or accept certain things as facts of life and stop worrying about them.
Of course, I insist on the second point.

5 Act Against Your Emotions


Suppose you want to be rude to someone. Do not hurry! Think about where this will lead to?
Instead, simply smile and say something nice to the person. Unexpectedly? Agree.

This is a great way to take control of emotions. If you work off on somebody and start shouting,
then you will get nothing, except frayed nerves.
But if you start behaving in the opposite way, then you will not bring the situation to a catastrophe,
you will contribute to preservation of your and others emotional comfort and you will experience
some joy of positive emotions! You will feel that you can control what earlier seemed to be
unmanageable. Its an amazing feeling.
Acting against your emotions can also mean that you will do nothing, but simply ignore the
situation. For example, not to get involved in a dispute, not to cause an affray, etc

6 Meditate
There are a lot of different points and tips in the article. This one is the most important. Meditation
is a very effective exercise that allows you to control your emotions. It allows you not only to get
rid of the unwanted feelings at some point in time, but also develops your ability to self-control.
In other words, regular practice of meditation makes you less dependent on emotions and allows
you to take control of them in the most diverse situations.
According to studies, meditation increases the prefrontal gray matter volume. Namely this
department is responsible for self-control and willpower about which I wrote in the first part of the
article.
Meditation allows you to be aware of your emotions, notice your feelings when they first arise.
This practice makes a person more calm and balanced; as a result, emotions cease to be so
uncontrollable.
Such skills occur for a reason, not due to some magic. Meditation is a self-control training, during
which you learn to understand your emotions, without getting involved in them. As well as a runner
exercises in running, making daily jogs, the meditator exercises in self-control, when he learns to
control his attention while meditating, to keep track of his emotions and to stop them.
Read the article:

7 Be Aware of Your Condition


Willpower and self-control highly dependent on your body state. If you are tired and you have little
strength, then it is much more difficult to control your emotions compared to those cases, when
you are in a good shape.

Therefore, avoid making important decisions or starting serious conversations, when you are tired.
Keep track of your state. Ask yourself: How do I feel now? Can I be mistaken now in those
matters, which require self-control?
If the answer to the last question is negative, then take proactive measures to prevent undesirable
situations.
Make a habit of constant watching yourself, your state and mood.

8 Keep Track of Your Health


Bad health, stress abundance and nervous system problems worsen self-control.
Maintain your health, drop bad habits and go in for sport. Make sure that you are getting enough
vitamins and enough sleep. Drink more water.
Get plenty of rest.

9 Improve Your Willpower


Self-control depends directly on how well is your willpower developed. After all, willpower allows
you to constrain the internal storm and stop the destructive impulses, which can lead to bad
consequences.
I will not dwell on this point here, because there is an entire separate article on this topic: How To
Improve Your Willpower.

Conclusion Some Tips


I hope you enjoyed the article. In conclusion, I would like to present some important remarks.

It Is Difficult to Control Your Emotions


This skill requires long practice. And even when it seems that you have reached this significant
progress, some unexpected event takes the wind out of your sails and you lose control. This
happens, for example, to me and thats fine. During such moments, you should accept it as a fact,
and not to blame yourself and think that you are fit for nothing.
Such situations will always occur, and there is nothing unnatural in that.

Managing Instead of Suppressing


No need to try to get rid of some emotions only because they are bad. Remember, unpleasant
emotions can signal you about a problem (as in the example with the child, who was forgotten in

kindergarten). Try to find the source of these states and to understand what your emotions are
saying.
If you feel some bitterness, because you treated your wife unfairly, then no need to drive the
feeling away without understanding it! Perhaps, you should apologize? Or solve some relations
problems?
Do not use the techniques of emotion control and meditation in particular as means of lulling your
conscience and way of escaping from problems.
Use them to find your problems and solve them! After all, these ways provide a lot of means for
this purpose!

Where to Start Controlling Emotions?


This article is quite informative. In order not to confuse the reader by the abundance of information
and the methods listed, I would recommend starting with meditation. Regular practice will lead you
to the conclusions, which I provided in this article, even though you will come back to this text no
longer.
From the second step of my self-development program, you can also get some practical selfcontrol exercises with which you should start.
The most important thing in emotion control is a constant watching over yourself, introspection and
practice!
If you constantly analyze yourself, watch over yourself, try to control yourself, watch over the
process and make conclusions from it, then you will learn how to control your emotions, even if you
remember only 20 % of what I outlined in the article!

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