Solving Problems Takes Equals

There is a pervasive myth that somehow happy couples just agree on everything
automatically all the time. Believing this myth, we enter relationships convinced
that whatever problems or differences we have with our partners will be easy to
solve. But, in reality, the individuals who make up a partnership will disagree
frequently, and often struggle over even minor issues.
In the course of building and sustaining a lifetime relationship, every couple
encounters many problems. Different backgrounds and experience, discordant
perception of each other and events, unequal rates of education and growth,
conflicting needs for self-expression and contact, and differing values and beliefs
about relationships complicate and often block attempts at creating partnership
together.
If you or your partner believe you have to "win" in a relationship, you'll tend to
compete rather than cooperate. Earlier in life, you may have learned to believe that
if you aren't the best, don't fight hard, or manipulate you won't get what you want,
so you either fight to win, or give up. As partners, you struggle because you believe
it's the way to get your needs met.
This kind of competition becomes stressful, counter-productive and toxic, poisoning
the relationship by turning you into adversaries, and undermining the mutual
support and encouragement you need to succeed in your relationship.
Differences can be frightening, and make resolving problems and conflicts with your
partner tense and difficult. In a relationship intimate enough that you feel a deep
bonding or sense of commingled identity, it's easy to experience disagreements as
threatening. Disagreeing seems to indicate you are separate individuals who
perceive everything differently, and have different needs and wants, and create fear
that you'll be rejected or disapproved of if you are different.
Relationship models based on the idea that one person must lead and the other
follow, or one "win" and the other "lose" can easily become power struggles, where
the partners fight bitterly. Each partner struggles to be in control, or they avoid

disagreements altogether because it isn't worth the struggle. Hence they spend a
lot of their time either fighting for what they want or feeling deprived.
The belief that someone has to be in charge of the relationship causes couples to
compete for power rather than cooperate. Otherwise loving partners can struggle
because they believe it's the way to get their needs met. Between partners in
intimate relationships competition becomes stressful, counter-productive and toxic,
poisoning the relationship by turning us into adversaries, and undermining the
mutual support and encouragement vital to satisfactory relationships.
Sometimes relationship problems are only indirectly connected to your partnership:
your car breaks down, your kids need to get to school, your boss is difficult to get
along with. These issues become partnership problems because you bring their
effects, big and small, into the relationship with you. Anger at your unreasonable
boss can quickly become a difficult evening with your partner if you bring your
frustration home, are irritable, and the two of you wind up arguing unnecessarily.
Unskilled couples easily become tangled in a web of blaming, hurt and anger and,
after years of similar unresolved conflicts, can build a backlog of bitterness that
can't be healed.
Some problems are directly related to your relationship: you fight about housework,
time, money, child care or sex. One or both of you becomes hurt or angry. For
couples who don't know how to cooperate, such issues can escalate into a big
problem or accumulate over time. When problems cause friction and never get
resolved, they undermine an otherwise loving and viable partnership.
Only recently have psychologists and sociologists begun to discuss the elements of
effective decision-making. Among other discoveries, they found that decision
making (even in business) is more effective when everyone contributes their views
of priorities, needs, wants, goals, and their thoughts about possible solutions. This
cooperative approach means that both contribute their understanding to the
problem (which often makes it clearer) and both feel involved in the process and
committed to the success of the solution they agree upon.
In cooperative negotiation, both parties attempting to resolve a conflict or make a

decision involving them can negotiate so that both get what they want. By working
together, you can learn to solve the problems of the past (I'm afraid we'll fight
about money like my first wife and I did); the present (I don't think I'm getting a
fair share of the housework) and the future (what will we do if I lose my job?).
Instead of being a struggle or something to avoid, solving such problems becomes
an opportunity to re-affirm your mutual love and caring, and to strengthen your
partnership and teamwork.
The skills couples need to keep intimacy alive in a long-term relationship differ from
new relationship intimacy skills, and they're not obvious because people don't talk
about them. Most couples need to lower their expectations of romance and glamour
and raise the level of fun they have together. Regular weekly talks (I call them
State of the Union discussions) keep the problems minor, the resentment level
down, and the communication open, so that there is time and space for intimacy. In
a successful, long term relationship, passion becomes a shared sense of humor and
goodwill toward each other. I spend every day teaching couples how to do these
things.
1. Learn to negotiate and solve problems together. Generally speaking, men value
competency and problem solving. Women value intimacy and emotional connection.
Learning successful problem solving ends fighting and power struggles, and
therefore leads to more intimacy. You may think he's focused entirely on time,
power or money, but what he's really trying to do is create enough security that he
can feel safe to let his guard down. Or, you may think she's irrational, but what
she's trying to do is honor the emotional side of the issue.
2. Make time for intimacy: Regard your face to face time as sacred (if is it will bless
your marriage.) Take time to listen to each other. Touch as often as possible (put
your hand on your spouse's leg while driving; give him or her a little squeeze now
and then, hug and kiss each other). Create a cuddling space in front of the
television, on the porch swing, in your bedroom, and use it. Intimacy is the art of
making your partner feel understood and accepted. When this feeling is created,
barriers fall. Gentle touch, eye contact a gentle sense of humor and the right words
all create the atmosphere. Positive comments on your partner's looks or the day's
activities positively will also help. Couples disconnect when they don't feel
interested in each other anymore. To reconnect, make an effort to listen and

understand each other's needs and wants.

3. The most powerful thing you can do to keep a marriage strong is form a
partnership, a team, where both parties feel respected, cared about and needed. If
you really want to restore the marriage, begin not by complaining, but by seeking
to understand your partner. Once the connection is there, you can begin to work
out the issues.
4. Don't hold a grudge: Talk about what's bothering you in a rational way. Ask
clearly for what you want, and let your partner know why it's important to you. If
you can't find a way to agree, go for a counseling session. Resentment will destroy
your marriage. For the price of one session, before the problem gets too large, you
can save it.
5. Show your appreciation: Let your partner know you appreciate what he or she
does, personality traits, (i.e.: his sense of humor, her generosity, his practicality,
her hard work) and companionship. The more you praise what you like, the more
you'll get of it. We all want to be appreciated. Celebration + appreciation =
motivation.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a licensed psychotherapist in S. California since 1978 with over 30
years experience in counseling individuals and couples and author of 13 books in 17
languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide
to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin
Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your
Differences. She writes the Dr. Romance blog, and the Happiness Tips from Tina email newsletter.

Dr. Tessina, is CRO (Chief Romance Officer) for LoveForever.com, a website designed to
strengthen relationships and guide couples through the various stages of their relationship
with personalized tips, courses, and online couples counseling. Online, shes known as Dr.
Romance Dr. Tessina appears frequently on radio, and such TV shows as Oprah, Larry

King Live and ABC News.