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A Buddhists Guide to Safe Sex

In our capacity as Buddhist teachers we are sometimes asked questions regarding the role
of sex in Buddhist practice. In the last few months, we have also received several requests
for us to write a post on this subject. The nature of these questions and/or requests
generally relate to misunderstandings as to the Buddhist teachings on this subject.
Specifically, it appears that there is uncertainty over what appear to be conflicting Buddhist
teachings regarding how a Buddhist practitioner should relate to sex so that it does not
become an obstacle to spiritual awakening. Therefore, in todays post we provide our
perspective on the role of sex in Buddhist practice and provide five recommendations to
help individuals contextualise and/or engage in sexual activity in a manner that is
conducive to spiritual practice:
1. Have sex responsibly: The Buddha did not provide extensive details as to what
constitutes having responsible sex and what sexual activity was acceptable or
inappropriate. However, the sentiment of the Buddhas teachings on sex (and on life
more generally) were that nobody should ever be hurt or abused as a result of a
sexual encounter. This not only includes the individuals having sexual intercourse
but also includes anybody else that might be adversely affected. For example, before
two people have sex together, they should ensure that an unwanted child will not be
born as a result of their actions. Similarly, promiscuous sex should also be avoided
because it invariably causes suffering for all concerned. We have always taught that
sex within the context of a loving and stable relationship is the most ideal situation.
However, if this is not possible then it is important to at least make sure that nobody
is taken advantage of or hurt as a result of a sexual encounter.

2. Dont turn sex into something it isnt: We are not sure whether any credible
research has been conducted to determine the average number of people per day in
the world that have sexual intercourse. However, since there are credible estimates
of the number of babies born each day in the world, then we can be fairly certain
that at least twice this number of people in the world have sex on any given day. For
example, current estimates place the birth rate at approximately 370,000 new born
babies each day. This means that about nine months prior to this, approximately
740,000 people had sexual intercourse on any given day (this does not take into
account babies that were born due to artificial insemination, premature births, or
instances where twins or triplets were born). However, common sense tells us that in
reality, the figure is much higher because not all acts of sexual intercourse result in
the birth of a child. Some explanations for this might be that: (i) the act of sexual
intercourse was between individuals of the same sex, (ii) contraception was used, (iii)
one or both of the individuals had fertility issues, and (iv) there was a miscarriage or
the foetus was aborted.
The reason for emphasising the fact that sex is very common is to help us see sex
for what it is and not to assign it more importance than it warrants. As human
beings, we have certain biological needs. We need to eat, drink water, sleep, and go
to the toilet. At the point human beings reach the pubescent stage, the human body
also has a biological need to discharge sexual energy. If any of the aforementioned
biological needs are not addressed in one way or another, then sooner or later
discomfort and pain arise. There are various ways an individual can deal with the
build-up of sexual energy in the body, of which having sexual intercourse or
masturbation are probably the most obvious (but there are also other means
depending on a persons level of meditative awareness and their familiarity with the
various gross and subtle energies in their body). Nevertheless, the point is that just
like eating or going to the toilet, sex is neither a wholesome nor an unwholesome
act, and it is neither important nor unimportant. The way in which sex is viewed by
an individual (and society) depends entirely on the level of importance and meaning
they assign to it. The energy that is created and discharged during sex can be
incredibly pleasurable, and sex is also necessary for bringing new life into the world.
However, it seems to us that sex is afforded too much significance in modern
society and this has actually cheapened this otherwise natural and neutral aspect of
human behaviour. In other words, sex has become such a big part of peoples
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thoughts and conversation and has been given so much importance, that it has been
debased and become unimportant.
3. Practice mindful sex: Research demonstrates that there are various health benefits
associated with practising mindfulness. The Buddha did not teach that the idea was
to practice mindfulness when engaging in some activities but not in others. Rather,
he taught that mindfulness should be practised at all times. Therefore, when you are
having sex, try to do so mindfully. We are not aware of a program of empirical
research that has investigated whether mindful sex heightens sexual pleasure, but
there are preliminary research findings indicating that mindfulness can improve
sexual dysfunction (see further reading list below). The way to practice mindful sex
is as with all other forms of mindfulness practice to be fully aware of ones
thoughts, feelings, bodily movements, and bodily sensations during and after sexual
intercourse. In other words, mindful sex involves the individual becoming a
participating observer. They fully participate in the act of having sex but allow a
certain perceptual distance to be introduced between them and the psychosomatic
experience of sexual intercourse. This prevents the act of sex and the powerful
feelings and sensations that it produces from causing the spiritual practitioner to lose
their meditative awareness and to succumb to mindless ways of thinking and
behaving.
4. Dont reject the experience of having sex: Some Buddhist practitioners take
vows of celibacy in relation to sexual activity. If, for example, a Buddhist nun or
monk has taken a vow of celibacy, then it is very important that they honour that
vow. However, for individuals that have not taken such vows, it is essential not to
consider the act of having sex as something that happens outside of ones spiritual
practice. The Buddha taught that a mind intoxicated with desire for sensual and/or
sexual pleasure is not conducive to spiritual awakening. Despite this, the Buddha
certainly never implied that the act of having sex was wrong in and of itself. As we
discussed in our post on False Spiritual Economy, the crucial point is not to become
attached to any objects or experiences that we encounter including sex.
Attachment and/or desire are considered to be primary mental poisons in Buddhism
and will definitely present an obstacle to spiritual growth. In fact, as our colleague
and friend Professor Mark Griffiths has written extensively about on his own blog, it

is actually possible for people to become so preoccupied with sex that they
eventually become addicted to it.
The exact same principle applies to being averse to having sex as it does to being
attached to it. If a person rejects the sexual feelings and energy that they experience,
then they are effectively rejecting a part of their being and introducing a degree of
conflict or resistance into their mind. It is for this reason that in place of the path of
celibacy advocated by certain Buddhist monastic traditions, other (mostly tantric)
Buddhist approaches advocate accepting sexual energy and using it as a means of
making spiritual progress. The point in tantric Buddhism is for the spiritual
practitioner to accept and work with sexual energy but in such a manner that they
use it as a means of realising the inherent emptiness of all that exists (including
feelings of sexual pleasure). However, it doesnt take a genius to understand that the
fairly graphic nature of some of the tantric Buddhist teachings means that they can
be easily abused or misunderstood. The tantric teachings relating to sex and sexual
energy are intended for experienced meditation practitioners that have already
acquired advanced levels of spiritual insight and that are already well on the path to
enlightenment. Despite this and due to not keeping their egos under control, some
Buddhist practitioners and teachers automatically assume that they are already at an
advanced stage of meditation practice and use these tantric teachings as an excuse to
behave irresponsibly (i.e., they think they can go around sleeping with anybody and
everybody and they lose sight of their original goal).
5. Enjoy the wonder of sex: As discussed above, the way in which we relate to sex
largely depends on the level of meaning and importance that we assign to it. In other
words, it is basically up to us whether sex and our thoughts and behaviours in
relation to it becomes something that advances spiritual development or impedes it.
Given this choice, it is completely within the power of every spiritual practitioner to
turn sex into a wholesome practice and conduct. The way to do this is to load the act
of having sex not just with mindful awareness but with positive and compassionate
intentions. Sex can be a way for people to be intimate together, to be naked as
human beings, and to show love and kindness. If one loads the act of having sex
with such positive intentions and awareness, then it becomes a spiritual act. The
same applies to everything we do. If a person eats or goes to the toilet with spiritual

awareness and a compassionate intention, then these actions also become spiritually
productive.
We sometimes observe Buddhist teachers attempt to side-step questions or requests
for advice relating to sex. However, sex is a part of human existence and so we
definitely dont need to be afraid of it or steer away from talking about it just
because we consider ourselves to be spiritual practitioners. Becoming comfortable
with sex and knowing how to relate to it helps us to grow in wisdom and confidence
as spiritual practitioners. In other words, if we are a person that wants to take
spiritual practice seriously, we have to accept, love, and be comfortable talking and
working with everything that we encounter in life. Therefore, if a Buddhist
practitioner so wishes, they can certainly make use of sex as part of their spiritual
practice. They can also fully enjoy and intricately experience the natural wonder of
sex. This is very different than the person that becomes preoccupied with sex and
uses it as an excuse to engender lustful, disrespectful, or smutty thoughts.
A great deal has been written about sex and Buddhism, including a lot of misinformation.
The above suggestions are by no means exhaustive but we hope they will provide some
food for thought for individuals seeking to make sense of this subject. The main thing to
remember is to always have virtuous thoughts and intentions. If one can do this then
having sex will certainly become an aid rather than a hindrance to spiritual awakening.

Ven Edo Shonin & Ven William Van Gordon


Further Reading
Barker, M. (2014). How social is your mindfulness? Towards a mindful sex and relationship
therapy. In: Bazzano, Manu (ed). After Mindfulness: New Perspectives on Psychology and
Meditation. Houndmills: Palgrave Macmillan, pp. 81-100.

Brotto, L. A., & Heiman, J. R. (2007). .Mindfulness in sex therapy: Applications for women
with sexual difficulties following gynecologic cancer. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22, 3-11.
Laurent, H., Laurent, S., Hertz, R., Egan-Wright, D., & Granger, D. A. (2013). Sex-specific
effects of mindfulness on romantic partners cortisol responses to conflict and relations
with psychological adjustment. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 38, 2905-2913.
McCarthy, B., & Wald, L. M. (2013). Mindfulness and good enough sex. Sexual and Relationship
Therapy, 28, 39-47.
Trungpa, C. (2011). Work, sex, money: Real life on the path of mindfulness. Boston: Shambala

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