November25,2013

TheChangingAmericanFamily
ByNATALIEANGIER

Americanhouseholdshaveneverbeenmorediverse,moresurprising,morebaffling.Inthis
specialissueofScienceTimes,NATALIEANGIERtakesstockofourchangingdefinitionof
family.
CHELSEA,MICH.KristiandMichaelBurnshavealotincommon.Theylovecrossword
puzzles,football,goingtomuseumsandreadingfiveorsixbooksatatime.Theydescribe
themselvesasmildmanneredintrovertswhosufferfromanarrayofchronicmedical
problems.Thetwosharesimilarmaritalrsums,too.Ontheirweddingdayin2011,the
groomwas43yearsoldandthebride39,yetitwasmarriageNo.3forboth.
Today,theirblendedfamilyisasprawling,sometimesuneasyensembleoftwosharpeyedsons
fromhertwoprevioushusbands,adaughterandsonfromhissecondmarriage,exspousesof
varyingdegreesofinvolvement,thepartnersofexspouses,thebemusedinlawsandakitten
namedAgnesthatlikestosleeponcomputerkeyboards.
IftheBurnsesseematypicalasanAmericannuclearfamily,howabouttheSchulteWaysers,a
merrybandoftwomarrieddads,sixkidsandtwodogs?OrtheIndrakrishnans,asuccessful
immigrantcoupleinAtlantawhoseteenagedaughterdivideshertimebetweenprosaic
homeworkandtheprecisionfootworkofancientHindudancetheGlusacsofLosAngeles,
withtheirtwonearlygrownchildrenandtheirlitanyofmiddleclasschallengesthatseemlike
minorsagasAnaPerezandJulianHillofHarlem,unmarriedandjustgettingby,butwith
WarrenBuffettsizedreamsfortheirthreeyoungchildrenandthealarmingnumberof
familieswithincarceratedparents,asorrybyproductofAmericasstatusastheworldsleading
jailer.
ThetypicalAmericanfamily,ifiteverlivedanywherebutonNormanRockwellsThanksgiving
canvas,hasbecomeasmultilayeredandfullofsurprisesasaholidayturduckentheall
Americanseasonalportmanteauofdebonedturkey,duckandchicken.
ResearcherswhostudythestructureandevolutionoftheAmericanfamilyexpressunsullied
astonishmentathowrapidlythefamilyhaschangedinrecentyears,thetransformationsoften
exceedingorcapsizingthosesameexpertspredictionsofjustafewjournalarticlesago.
Thischurning,thisturnoverinourintimatepartnershipsiscreatingcomplexfamiliesona

scalewevenotseenbefore,saidAndrewJ.Cherlin,aprofessorofpublicpolicyatJohns
HopkinsUniversity.Itsamistaketothinkthisistheendpointofenormouschange.Weare
stillverymuchinthemidstofit.
YetforalltherestlessshapeshiftingoftheAmericanfamily,researcherswhocombthrough
census,surveyandhistoricaldataandconductfieldstudiesofordinaryhomelifehave
identifiedanumberofkeyemergingthemes.
Families,theysay,arebecomingmoresociallyegalitarianoverall,evenaseconomicdisparities
widen.Familiesaremoreethnically,racially,religiouslyandstylisticallydiversethanhalfa
generationagothanevenhalfayearago.
Inincreasingnumbers,blacksmarrywhites,atheistsmarryBaptists,menmarrymenand
womenwomen,DemocratsmarryRepublicansandstarttalkshows.Goodfriendsjoinforcesas
partofthevoluntarykinmovement,sharingmedicaldirectives,wills,evenadoptingone
anotherlegally.
Singlepeoplelivealoneandproudlyconsiderthemselvesfamiliesofonemoregenerousand
civicmindedthansocalledgreedymarrieds.
Therearereallygoodstudiesshowingthatsinglepeoplearemorelikelythanmarriedcouples
tobeintouchwithfriends,neighbors,siblingsandparents,saidBellaDePaulo,authorof
SingledOutandavisitingprofessorofpsychologyattheUniversityofCalifornia,Santa
Barbara.
Butthatdoesntmeantheyllbesingleforever.Therearenotjustmoretypesoffamiliesand
livingarrangementsthanthereusedtobe,saidStephanieCoontz,authorofthecomingbook
IntimateRevolutions,andasocialhistorianatEvergreenStateCollegeinOlympia,Wash.
Mostpeoplewillmovethroughseveraldifferenttypesoverthecourseoftheirlives.
Atthesametime,theoldfashionedfamilyplanofstablymarriedparentsresidingwiththeir
childrenremainsasourceofconsiderablepowerinAmericabutonethatisincreasinglyseen
asoutofreachtoallbuttheeducatedelite.
Wereseeingaclassdividenotonlybetweenthehavesandthehavenots,butbetweentheI
dosandtheIdonots,Dr.Coontzsaid.Thosewhoareenjoyingtheperksofagoodmarriage
wouldntstandforanyotherkind,shesaid,whilethosewhowouldbenefitmostfrommarital
stabilityaretheonesleastlikelytohavetheresourcestosustainit.
Yetacrossthedividerunsawhitepicketfence,ourunshakablestarspangledbeliefinthevalue
ofmarriageandfamily.Wemarry,divorceandremarryatratesnotseenanywhereelseinthe

developedworld.Welavish$70billionayearonweddings,morethanwespendonpets,
coffee,toothpasteandtoiletpapercombined.
Weresappyfamilyromantics.Whenaninformalsampleof52Americansofdifferentages,
professionsandhometownswereaskedthefirstthoughtthatcametomindonhearingthe
wordfamily,theanswersvariedhardlyatall.Love!Kids!Mom!Dinner!
Itsthebackboneofhowwelive,saidDavidAnderson,52,aninsuranceclaimsadjusterfrom
Chicago.Itmeanseverything,saidLindaMcAdam,28,whoisinhumanresourcesonLong
Island.
Yes,everything,andsometimestoomanythings.Itsalmostlikeaweight,saidRobFee,26,a
financialanalystinSanFrancisco,aheavyweight.OrasthecomedianGeorgeBurnssaid,
Happinessishavingalarge,loving,caring,closeknitfamilyinanothercity.
Inchartingthedifferencesbetweentodaysfamiliesandthoseofthepast,demographersstart
withthekidsorratherthelackofthem.
Thenationsbirthratetodayishalfwhatitwasin1960,andlastyearhititslowestpointever.
Attheendofthebabyboom,in1964,36percentofallAmericanswereunder18yearsoldlast
year,childrenaccountedforjust23.5percentofthepopulation,andtheproportionis
dropping,toaprojected21percentby2050.Fewerwomenarebecomingmothersabout80
percentofthoseofchildbearingagetodayversus90percentinthe1970sandthosewho
reproducedosomoresparingly,averagingtwochildrenapiecenow,comparedwiththreein
the1970s.
Onebigreasonisthesoaringcostofusheringoffspringtofunctionalindependence.According
totheDepartmentofAgriculture,theaveragemiddleclasscouplewillspend$241,080toraise
achildtoage18.Factorinfouryearsofcollegeandmaybegraduateschool,oraparentally
subsidizedinternshipwiththelocaltheatercompany,andsayhellotoyourmilliondollar
bundleofohjoy.
Assteepasthefertilitydeclinehasbeen,themarriageratehasfallenmoresharply,particularly
amongyoungwomen,whodomostofthenationschildbearing.Asaresult,41percentof
babiesarenowbornoutofwedlock,afourfoldincreasesince1970.
Thetrendisnotdemographicallyuniform,insteadtrackingthenationswideninggapin
incomeandopportunity.Amongwomenwithabachelorsdegreesorhigher,90percentadhere
totheoldplaygroundsongandputmarriagebeforeababycarriage.Foreverybodyelse,
maternityisoftendecoupledfrommatrimony:40percentofwomenwithsomecollegebutno

degree,and57percentofwomenwithhighschooldiplomasorless,areunmarriedwhenthey
givebirthtotheirfirstchild.
Morethanonequarteroftheseunwedmothersarelivingwithapartnerwhomayormaynot
betheirchildsbiologicalfather.Theriseofthecohabitingcoupleisanotherstrikingfeatureof
theevolvingAmericanfamily:From1996to2012,thenumberjumpedalmost170percent,to
7.8millionfrom2.9million.
Norareunmarriedmotherstypicallyintheirteenscontrarytoallthetalkofanepidemicof
teenagemotherhood,thebirthrateamongadolescentgirlshasdroppedbynearlyhalfsince
1991andlastyearhitanalltimelow,apublichealthtriumphthatexpertsattributetobetter
sexeducationandbirthcontrolmethods.Mostunmarriedmotherstoday,demographerssay,
areintheir20sandearly30s.
Alsodmodistheolddebateoverwhethermothersofdependentchildrenshouldwork
outsidethehome.Thefactshavevoted,theissueissettled,andPaycheckMommyisnowa
centralorganizingprincipleofthemodernAmericanfamily.
Theshareofmothersemployedfullorparttimehasquadrupledsincethe1950sandtoday
accountsfornearlythreequartersofwomenwithchildrenathome.Thenumberofwomen
whoaretheirfamiliessoleorprimarybreadwinneralsohassoared,to40percenttodayfrom
11percentin1960.
Yes,Iwearthepantsinthefamily,saidAnaPerez,35,amotherofthreeandavicepresident
atafinancialservicescompanyinNewYork,whowas,indeed,wearingpants.Icansayit
bringsmejoytoknowIcantakecareofmyfamily.
Culturalattitudesareadaptingaccordingly.Sixtytwopercentofthepublic,and72percentof
adultsunder30,viewtheidealmarriageasoneinwhichhusbandandwifebothworkand
sharechildcareandhouseholddutiesbackwhenJimmyCarterwaspresident,lessthanhalf
ofthepopulationapprovedofthedualincomefamily,andlessthanhalfof1percentof
husbandsknewhowtooperateaspongemop.
Mothersarebringinghomemoreofthebacon,andofthemortarboards,too.Whilemost
couplesareanevenmatchscholastically,28percentofmarriedwomenarebettereducated
thantheirmatesthatistrueofjust19percentofmarriedmen.Fortyyearsago,theasymmetry
wenttheotherway.
Someexpertsarguethatthegrowinglegionofmotherswithadvanceddegreeshashelped
sharpenthealreadybrutalcompetitionforadmissiontothenationseliteuniversities,which

stresstheimportanceofextracurricularactivities.Nothingpredictsthebreadthandbusyness
ofachildsafterschoolschedulebetter,itturnsout,thanthemotherslevelofeducation.
Onechangethatcaughtmanyfamilyresearchersbysurprisewastherecentdipinthedivorce
rate.Aftermanydecadesofupwardmarch,followedbyalong,stubbornstayatthefamiliar50
percentmarkthatmadeeverynuptialfeellikeacoinflip,theratebeganfallingin1996andis
nowjustabove40percentforfirsttimemarriages.
Thedeclinehasbeenevenmorestrikingamongmiddleanduppermiddleincomecouples
withcollegedegrees.Forthem,fewerthanoneinthreemarriagesisexpectedtoendindivorce,
adegreeofstabilitythatallowselitecouplestomergetheirresourceswithconfidence,
maximallyinvestintheirchildrenandotherwisewidenthegapbetweenthemselvesandthe
strugglingmasses.
Thereareexceptions,ofcourse.Amongbabyboomers,therateofmarriagefailurehassurged
50percentinthepast20yearsperhapsoutofanirritablenostalgia,researcherssaid,forthe
daysoffreelove,betterlove,anythingbutthislove.Nordodivorceratesappeartohavefallen
amongthosewhotaketheoldSamuelJohnsonquipasaprescription,allowinghopeto
triumphoverexperience,andmarryingagainandagain.
ForbothMikeandKristiBurns,nowintheir40s,thefirstmarriagecameyoungandleftearly,
andthesecondstuckaroundformorethanadozenyears.
Kristiwas19,livinginSouthCarolina,andherMarineboyfriendwasabouttobeshippedto
Japan.Iwasntattachedtohim,really,shesaid,butforsomereasonIfeltthismightbemy
onlychanceatmarriage.
InJapan,KristigavebirthtohersonBrandon,realizedshewaslonelyandmiserable,andleft
themarriagesevenweeksaftertheirfirstanniversary.BackintheStates,Krististudiedtobea
travelagent,movedtoMichiganandmarriedhersecondhusbandatage23.
Hewasanelectrician.HeadoptedBrandon,andthecouplehadason,Griffin.Themarriage
lasted13years.
Wewerereallygreatfriends,butwewerentagreathusbandandwife,Kristisaid.Our
parentingstylesweretoodifferent.
Besides,shewenton,hedidntverbalizealot,buthewasmadalot,andIwastiredofwalking
aroundoneggshells.
Afterthedivorce,friendspersuadedhertotrytheonlinedatingservicematch.com,andjustas

herfreetrialweekwasabouttoexpire,shenoticedanewprofileinthemix.
Kristiwasoneofthefirstpeopletopingme,saidMikeBurns,anengineerforanecommerce
company.Thiswasat3inthemorning.
Theystartedchatting.MiketoldKristihowhedmarriedhisfirstwifewhilehewasstillin
collegedefinitelytooyoung,hesaidanddivorcedhertwoyearslater.Hemethissecond
wifethroughmutualfriends,theyhadabigchurchwedding,startedasoftwarepublishing
companytogether,solditandhadtwochildren,BriannaandAlec.
Whenthemarriagestartedgoingdownhill,Mikeignoredsignsoftrouble,likethecomments
fromneighborswhonoticedhiswifewasneveraroundonweekends.
Iwasdelusional,Iwasdepressed,hesaid.Istillhadtheattitudethatdivorcewasnt
somethingyoudid.
After15yearsofmarriage,hiswifediditforhim,andkickedhimoutofthehouse.Hisdivorce
papershadntyetbeenfinalized,hetoldKristithatfirstchatnight.Illhelpyougetthroughit,
shereplied.
MikeandKristiadmittheirownthreeyearoldmarriageisntperfect.Thekidsarestill
adjustingtooneanother.SometimesKristi,ahomemaker,feelsjealousofhowmuchattention
herhusbandshowersonhisdaughterBrianna,13.SometimesMikeretreatsintohiscomputer.
Yettheyaredeterminedtostaytogether.
Iknoweveryonethinksthismarriageisajokeandpeopleexpectittofail,saidKristi.But
thatjustmakesmeworkharderatit.
Idsayourchancesofsuccessarebetterthanaverage,herhusbandadded.
InAmerica,familyisatonceabouthomeandthenextgreatfrontier.
TheBabyBoomforGayParents
Agrowingnumberofsamesexcouplesarepursuingparenthoodanywaytheycan.
LOSANGELESTheSchulteWayserfamilyisliketheJetsons:ablendofmidcentury
traditionalandpostmoderncool.
Oneparentisthebreadwinner,acorporatelawyerwhoisTypeAwhenitcomestoschoolwork,
bedtimeandtheimportanceofrules.Theotherparentistheselfdescribedbabywhisperer,
stayinghometocareforthecouplestwodaughtersandfoursons,whodashthroughtheirdays

asifwearingjetpacks.
Bothparentsknowwhenrulesandrolesaremadeforsubverting.Weareeachofusvery
maternalinourownway,saidJoshuaWayser,50,thelawyer.Itakemygirlsshopping,and
Iminchargeofbeautyandhaircare.Mr.WayserglancedatRichardSchulte,61,his
homemakerartisthusband,whowassittingnearby.
Ofcourse,Mr.Wayseraddeddryly,hedoesntthinkIdoagoodjob.
Mr.Wayser,Mr.Schulteandtheirsixadoptedchildrenarepartofoneofthemoreemphatic
reinventionsofthestandardfamilyflowchart.Agrowingnumberofgaymenandlesbiansare
pursuingparenthoodanywaytheycan:adoption,surrogacy,donorsperm.
Theresagaybyboom,thatsforsure,Mr.Waysersaid.Somanyofourfriendsarehaving
kids.
Somecriticshaveexpressedconcernthatthechildrenofgayparentsmaysufferfromsocial
stigmaandthelackofconventionaladultrolemodels,orthatsamesexcouplesarenotsuited
tothemonotonousrigorsoffamilylife.Earlierstudies,ofteninvokedintheculturewarsover
samesexmarriage,suggestedthatchildrenwholivedwithgayparentswerepronetolower
grades,conductdisordersandaheightenedriskofdrugandalcoholproblems.
Butnewresearchsuggeststhatsuchfearsaremisplaced.Throughapreliminaryanalysisof
censusdataandothersources,MichaelJ.RosenfeldofStanfordUniversityhasfoundthat
whateverproblemstheirchildrenmaydisplayaremorelikelytostemfromotherfactors,like
theruptureoftheheterosexualmarriagethatproducedthechildreninthefirstplace.
Oncethesefactorsaretakenintoaccount,saidDr.Rosenfeld,authorofTheAgeof
Independence:InterracialUnions,SamesexUnions,andtheChangingAmericanFamily,the
childrenofsamesexparentsareacademicallyandemotionallyindistinguishablefromthoseof
heterosexualparents.
Andtwofathercouples,indefianceofstereotype,turnouttobeexemplarsofdomesticity.In
herlongtermstudiesofunconventionalfamilies,JudithStacey,aprofessorofsocialand
culturalanalysisatNewYorkUniversity,foundthatthemoststableofallwerethoseheadedby
gaymenwhodhadtheirchildrentogether.
Over14years,shesaid,Iwasshockedtofindthatnoneofthemalecoupleswithchildrenhad
brokenup,notone.Dr.Stacey,authorofUnhitched:Love,MarriageandFamilyValuesFrom
WestHollywoodtoWesternChina,attributedthatsuccesstoselfselection.Formento
becomeparentswithoutwomenisverydifficult,shesaid.Onlyasmallpercentagearewilling

andabletomakethecommitment.
Theresnomaybeaboutthegaybyboom.AccordingtotheWilliamsInstituteattheUniversity
ofCalifornia,LosAngeles,thenumberofgaycoupleswithchildrenhasdoubledinthepast
decade,andtodaywellover100,000samesexcouplesareraisingchildren.Otherestimates
putthenumberofchildrenlivingwithgayparentscouplesandsingletonscombinedat
closetotwomillion,oroneoutof37childrenunderage18.
Drivingtheriseinsamesexparenthoodistheresonantsuccessofthemarriageequality
movement,whichhasledtothelegalizationofsamesexmarriagein16statesandhashelped
easeadoptionpolicieselsewhere.In2009,19percentofsamesexcouplesraisingchildren
reportedhavinganadoptedchild,upfromjust10percentin2000.Gayparentsarefourtimes
aslikelyasstraightonestoberaisingadoptees,andsixtimesaslikelytobecaringforfoster
children,whomtheyoftenendupadopting.
SomecravethefettersofDNA,andherewomenhaveanadvantage.Manyofthechildrenof
lesbiancouplesarethebiologicaloffspringofoneofthewomenandasemendonorwhomay
beanonymous,afriend,thebrotherofthenongestatingwoman,orMarkRuffalo.
TheSchulteWayserfamilystartedoutunhyphenated,astheWaysers.Thetwomenhad
brokenupMr.WayserwaslivingaloneinLosAngeles,hislawcareerwasinflux,andhewas
tiredofobsessingaboutwork.Ithought,Ivegottodosomethingelse,hesaid.Ihadto
comeouttomyselfasafather.
Hismotherwasthrilled,andsheofferedtopaythecostsforasurrogatemothertocarryababy
conceivedwithhissperm.Mr.Waysersaidno.
Iwantedtheclarityofhavingsomeonewhodidntsharemygenetics,whowascompletely
differentfromme,hesaid.
HemetwithanadoptionlawyerinMarch2000,andbyJunehehadanewborndaughter,
Julie.Severalmonthslater,Mr.Schultecalledtochat,heardJulieinthebackgroundand
stoppedbytomeether.
ThebabyremindedhimofDonKing,theboxingpromoter.Itwasloveatfirstsight,Mr.
Schultesaid,andMr.Wayseracknowledged,IusedJulieasbait.
Hisoldboyfriendtookit.Wewereacoupleagain,Mr.Schultesaid.Orrather,heamended,
wewereafamily.HeandMr.WayserlatermarriedinMalibu.
From2002to2009,fourbrothersandasisterfollowedDerek,AJ,Isaac(allfromone

mother),ShaynaandJoey.Thatsmylineinthesand,Mr.Waysersaid.Weverunoutof
room.
Yethebelievesitseasiertomanagealargefamilythanasmallone.Theyentertaineachother.
Theyorganizethemselves,hesaid.Wesendthekidsout.Wesay,Gorideyourbike,goout
andplay.Wewantthemtohaveaverytraditionalchildhoodinanontraditionalsetting.
Headmitstobeingaworrier.Someofthechildrenhavelearningdisabilitiesandrequire
extensivetutoring,andhedoesntknowwhatrisksthebirthmothersmighthavetakenduring
pregnancy.
Butheresentspeoplewhonotethecolorofhischildrensskinaswellashisobviousfinancial
resources,andcluckabouthownobleheisandhowluckythechildrenare.
No,Imtheonewhosluckyhere,hesaid.Imnottryingtosavetheworld.
TheWeddingWillHavetoWait
Theideaofmarriagecanbeintimidating,sosomecoupleschoosecohabitationinstead.
AnaPerez,35,whomovedtoNewYorkfromtheDominicanRepublicatage5,hasanopen
smile,afirmhandshakeandavivid,scrappymannerjustthissideofafireplug.Butasshe
recalledthenightshethrewthefatherofhertwoolderchildrenoutofherHarlemapartment,
hervoicecrackedintoadozenpiecesandhereyesblurredwithtears.
Shemighthaveacceptedhisinfidelitiesifhedkeptthemdiscreet,cheapandawayfromthe
neighborhood.Ihadthismentalitythatmenwillbemen.shesaid.
Butwhenhebeganlavishlydatingtheyoungersisterofafriendofhers,Ms.Perezconfronted
himinafury.
Isaid,Youvebeenspendingmoneyonthispersonwhenyouhavechildrenwhoneeddiapers
andmilk?shesaid.Thelaststrawwas,wehadthishugefightinthekitchenandIpulleda
knifeonhim.Forasecond,IsawmychildrenwithoutamotherbecauseIwouldbeinjail.
Theirrelationshipendedthatnightadecadeago,shesaid,andIneverlookedback.
HestillvisitswithGeorge,16,andBryana,10,asafriendfigure,Ms.Perezsaid,buthehas
nosayintheirupbringing.
Forthepastsixyears,Ms.PerezhaslivedwithJulianHill,39,thefatherofherthirdchild,
Bubba,4.Mr.HillistallandAfricanAmerican,hisheadshaved,hiscreamcoloredsuit

impeccablypairedwithabluecheckedbankersshirtandyellowtie.Heisdevotedtoallthree
childrenandinvolvedintheireverydaylives.
Icomehomeeverynight,hesaid.TheymightbeasleepwhenIgethome,butImhereevery
night.Imalwayspushingthemhardtodotheirverybest,maybesometimesalittletoohard.
Untilthisfall,Ms.Perezworkedforafinancialservicesfirm,andshehasbeenthefamilys
primaryearner.Mr.Hill,equallyambitious,hasworkedasanotarypublic,mortgagecloser
andoccasionalstockinvestor.HeandMs.Perezrecentlystartedasmallnotarymortgage
business.
IthinklikeWarrenBuffett,Mr.Hillsaid.Myplanistobeabillionaire,butifIfallshortand
endupamillionaire,thatwouldbefine.
Yetheadmitsthatfornoweventhatdownsizedgoalremainselusive.Ifyouretalkingabout
income,hesaid,werelower,lowermiddleclass.
Ifyouretalkingabouttheirrelationshipstatus,heandMs.Perezhavebeenengagedformore
thanayear,andtheyplantogomorethananotheryearbeforegettingmarried.
Ofthemanychangestothedesign,packagingandcontentoffamilylifeoverthepast
generation,researcherscitetwoasespeciallysignificant.
Oneisthesharpincreaseinoutofwedlockbirthsamongallbutthemosthighlyeducated
women.Thesecondistherepositioningofmarriagefromcornerstonetocapstone,froma
foundationalactofearlyadulthoodtoacrowningeventoflateradulthoodaneventthat
followssuchpreviousachievementsasfinishingcollege,startingacareerandowningfurniture
notmadefromfruitcrates.
Thetwotrendsareinterrelated,researcherssay,butforreasonsthatareoftenmisunderstood.
Unmarriedparentsarenotnecessarilythecarelessandshortsightedhedonistsofstereotype.
Instead,agrowingnumberofAmericansaresimplyintimidatedbythewholeideaofmarriage:
Ithasassumedevergreaterculturalstatus,becomingthemarkofestablishedwinnersrather
thanofmodestlyoptimisticbeginners(whileweddingshavebecomeextravagantpageants
wheredovesandbutterfliesarereleasedbutstill,nobodygetsthebridesmaiddressesright).
Childbearing,ontheotherhand,happensnaturally,andofferswhatmarriagealltoooftendoes
not:lifelongbondsoflove.
Formanycohabitingcouples,theresahighbarformarriage,highexpectationsofwherethey
shouldbeateconomicallyoremotionally,andiftheydontmeetthatbartheyllputoffgetting

married,saidKellyMusick,anassociateprofessorofpolicyanalysisandmanagementat
CornellUniversity,whohasstudiedcohabitationpatterns.
Butiftheyrereasonablypleasedwiththerelationshipandhappentofindthemselves
pregnant,shecontinued,theymayrealizetheyrenotinagreatplacefinanciallytobecome
parentsbuttheyrestillhappytohavethechild.Theyfindasenseofpurposeandfulfillment
inparenthoodevenwhentherestoflifeiswithholdingthegoods.
KathrynEdin,aprofessorofpublicpolicyandmanagementatHarvardUniversity,has
interviewedhundredsoflowincomeAmericans.Inherlatestbook,DoingtheBestICan:
FatherhoodintheInnerCity,whichshewrotewithhercolleagueTimothyJ.Nelson,Dr.Edin
describestheenormousinstabilityoffamilylifeamongtheworkingclassandthepoor.
Inthemiddleclass,thedivorceratehasgonedown,andfamilylifeisinmanywayssimpler
thanitusedtobe,shesaidinaninterview.Theresfarmorecomplexityandchurningof
householdsamongthepoor,aturnoverofpartnerships,lotsofhalfsiblings.
YetDr.Edinalsopuncturesthemythofthelowincomefatherasadeadbeatwhodepositshis
spermandruns.Instead,theyoungmeninherstudywereeagertoestablishtheirpaternity.
Theyreshowingupatthehospitalandsigningbirthcertificatesindroves,shesaid.Theyre
doingallthisvoluntarily,eventhoughtheyknowthatbyhavingtheirnameonthecertificate
theyllbeliableforchildsupportandcouldgotojailiftheydontpay.
Thefathersalsoprovedtobemoreinvolvedintheirchildrenslivesthanpreviouslybelieved.
Evenfiveyearsin,abouttwothirdsoffathersareseeingtheirkidsatleastmonthly,andjust
underhalfareseeingtheirkidsseveraltimesaweek,Dr.Edinsaid.
MostofMs.Perezspreviouscoworkerswereyoungerthanshewasandcamefrommiddle
classbackgrounds,andsheacknowledgesthattheirtimingoflifeeventshasitsbenefits.
Yougotocollege,youbuildyourfinances,youmarry,youbuildmorefinances,thenyouhave
children,shesaid.Ifyouwaitlonger,youhavethefoundation,youremoreeducated,and
youhavetheconfidenceinyourselfthatyoureabletosurvive.
Thenagain,shelaughed,inSpanishculture,wedoeverythingearly.
Sheisconvincedthathavingherfirstchildat19wastherightthingtodo.Withoutthat
incentive,Iwouldhavehadsuchadifferentlife,shesaid.Iwouldhavebeenmuchless
productive.Iwouldhavespentallmytimejusthangingout.

Butbetweenthespurofherfamilysneedsandaworkethicshedescribesasawesome,Ms.
Perezrosetoavicepresidencyatherpreviouscompany,andIdidntevengraduatehigh
school,shesaid.
Nevertheless,shefretsincessantlyaboutthefuture.Shedliketogobacktoschoolandset
somethingasideforherchildrenscollegeeducationsshewontbuycerealthatsnotonsale
andthelastthingshewantstospendmoneyonrightnowisawedding.
ImO.K.justgoingtoCityHall,shesaid.
Mr.Hillwonthearofit.Icantdothat,Icantjustgodowntown,hesaid.Iwanttodo
somethingbig,aweddingwithfriendsandfamilystandingtogether.
Sohellwaituntilhessavedenoughtopayfortheweddingofhisdreams,whenhecan
celebratethefamilyhelovesandknowithasarrived.
ToAtlanta,byWayofSriLanka
TheIndrakrishnansarepartofanewtideofimmigrationwithtraditionallystrongfamily
ties.
ATLANTAWhenpeoplefirstmeetDr.IndranIndrakrishnan,agastroenterologistwitha
busyprivatepracticenearAtlanta,theytakenoteofhisunusualname,hiscrisplyliltingaccent,
histancomplexionandwavyblackhair,andtheyask,So,doctor,whereareyoufrom?
Seeifyoucanguess,Dr.Indrakrishnanrepliescheerfully.India?No.Pakistan?No.Iran,
Egypt,Turkey,Afghanistan?Negativesallaround.
Atthatpointtheyrestumped,andtheymoveontoSouthAmerica,hesaid,andwhenI
finallytellthemIwasborninSriLanka,theylookmoreconfusedthanever.SriLanka?Where
isthat?
Suchcasualgeographicilliteracymaysoongivewayunderthesheerforceofnumbers.Dr.
IndrakrishnanispartofanewtideofimmigrationthathasbeensweepingAmerica,upending
oldvotingblocs,reconfiguringneighborhoods,diversifyinglocalrestaurantoptionsandcasting
afreshperspectiveonthemeaningoftraditionalfamilyvalues.
ThoughmuchoftheimmigrationdebatehasfocusedonLatinos,thefastestgrowing
immigrantgroupsarenotHispanicbutAsian.TheAsianAmericanpopulationsoaredby46
percentfrom2000to2010,comparedwith43percentforHispanicsand1percentfornon
Hispanicwhites,andtheAsianshareofnewimmigrantsnearlydoubled,to36percentfrom19

percent.
The1950sstereotypeoftheidealAmericanfamily,ofDick,JaneandWonderBread
homogeneity,aroseatatimewhentheimmigrationratewasnearhistoriclows.Today,thebest
placetofindatraditional,GratedAmericanfamilymaybeinanimmigrantcommunity.
AsianAmericanfamilies,inparticular,areexceptionallystable.Theyarehalfaslikelytobe
divorcedasAmericansingeneralonly16percentofAsianAmericaninfantsarebornoutof
wedlock,comparedwith41percentoveralland80percentofAsianAmericanchildrenare
raisedbytwomarriedparents,versus63percentoverall,accordingtoPewResearchdata.
ManyofthenewAsianimmigrantscomefromsolidlymiddleclassbackgrounds,andmany,
thoughbynomeansall,doaswellorbetteraftermovingtotheUnitedStates.Fiftyone
percentholdcollegedegrees,comparedwith31percentofalladults.Accordingtorecent
studies,AsianAmericanshavethehighestaveragehouseholdincomeofanyracialgroup,
roughly$68,000ayear,comparedwith$55,000forwhitesand$34,000forAfrican
Americans.
AtthefrontedgeoftheAsianAmericanboomareimmigrantsfromSouthAsia,including
India,PakistanandSriLanka.
Dr.Indrakrishnan,53,whoalsoteachesattheEmoryUniversitySchoolofMedicine,is
somethingofacelebrityamongSouthAsianimmigrantsthesociable,civicmindedand
highlysuccessfulprofessionaleveryonewantstoschmoozewithatthelocalHindutempleeach
week.
SometimesIhavetogototempleduringoffhours,hesaid,orIllgetcaughtupchatting
theretheentireday.
Heliveswithhiswife,Gayathri,49,ataxaccountant,andtheirdaughter,Harini,ahighschool
senior,inagatedenclaveonthebanksofaglisteningartificiallake,notfarfromtheformer
residenceofthefootballquarterbackMichaelVick.Thehousefeelslikeacastle,onlybigger
15,000squarefeetofvaulted,chandelieredceilings,anenormousalabasterfireplace,matching
ornatestaircasesthatcurvetogetherlikeanupsidedownheart,andanelevatorifyouretoo
tiredforthestairs.
Personalstatementscanbefoundthroughout:inonecorner,anelegantbronzesculptureofthe
HindudeityShivainanother,abulbousbodiedstringedinstrumentcalledaSaraswativina
thatGayathriIndrakrishnanwishesshehadmoretimetoplayandinthebasement,acustom
builtstudiowhereHarinipracticesBharatanatyam,ahighlystructured,almostgeometricform
ofclassicalIndiandancethathasbecomeadefiningfeatureofherotherwiseallAmericanlife.

Dancekeepsmeconnectedtomyculture,shesaid.Ivegotthebestofbothworlds.
HerparentsgrewupinthesamepartofSriLankaandhadfriends,afamilydoctoranda
cleaningwomanincommon.Butthetwodidntreallymeetuntiltheywereyoungadultsliving
inNorthAmericahefinishinghismedicaltraining,shepursuingmicrobiologyandtheir
olderbrothersdecidedtoplaymatchmakers.
HeflewtoTorontoforarendezvous.Ifitwasntexactlyloveatfirstsight,shesaid,the
chemistrywasthere.Thecouplespentayearexchangingphonecallsandlettersandwere
marriedin1991.
Wehadwhatscalledasemiarrangedmarriage,Dr.Indrakrishnansaid.Itsquitecommon
backinIndiaandSriLanka.Familiesareinvolved,buttheydontpushwehadtolikeeach
otherandgetalong.
AftertheymarriedandsettledintheUnitedStates,Ms.Indrakrishnantradedmicrobiologyfor
anM.B.A.andanumberscrunchingcareer.SheandherhusbandbecameAmericancitizensa
decadeago.
Ilovelivinghere!hesaid.Itistrulythelandofopportunities.Yethesaidhewouldnot
havewantedtomarryanAmericanwoman,andwhenaskedthefirstwordthatcametomind
onhearingthewordfamily,hesaid,Gayathri,mywife.
TheCensusBureaudoesnottrackthefrequencyofarrangedmarriages,butresearchersbelieve
thenumbersarerising.Amongothersigns,theysaid,isthegrowingnumberofimmigrant
matchmakingwebsiteslikebharatmatrimony.com,aimednotjustateagersingletonsbutat
theirparentsandrelatives.
AndthoughmanyAmericansmaybridleattheidea,studiessuggestthereislittledownsideto
lettingthefamilydoyouradvancework.KathrynKlement,adoctoralcandidateinpsychology
atNorthernIllinoisUniversity,surveyed329marriedIndianwomen,176oftheminarranged
marriages,andsaid,Ididntfindanysignificantdifferencesbetweenthetwogroupsin
maritalhappiness,feelingsofintimacy,trustandcommitment,sexualsatisfactionandtheease
withwhichthewomencouldexpresstheirdesires.
IndranandGayathriIndrakrishnanindependentlyidentifiedthesamekeytolonglasting
maritalharmony.Itstolerance,shesaid.ManyofDr.IndrakrishnansAmericanpatients
arenotverytolerantoftheirspouses,hesaid.Theywantthechemistrytobeperfect,andif
itisnt,pfft,theysplitup.
Toleranceextendstotheirparentingstyle.TheirexpectationsforHariniarequitehigh,but

theycarelesswhethersheaceseveryclassthanthatsheisalwaystrying,alwaysseekingto
improve.
Ifthereishomeworkdueoratestthenextdayandshesgoofingoffandnotlisteningtome,
yes,Illbeupset,hermothersaid.Harini,itseems,hasabsorbedtheparentalcredo.Whenshe
sensedthatFacebookwasinterferingwithherschoolwork,shedeactivatedheraccount.
Alsopoisedfordeactivationisacertainclichsymbolizedbyfangsandstripes.
ItisnosecretthatmanyAsianAmericanstudentsexcelacademicallytheiraverageSAT
scores,forexample,arethehighestofanyethnicgroup.
OnetheorytogaintractionlatelyisthatAsianAmericanparentsareharshtaskmasterswho
virtuallychaintheirchildrentotheirdesksandpianos,aviewreinforcedbyAmyChuainher
bestsellingbookBattleHymnoftheTigerMother.
Butalongtermstudyof300ChineseAmericanfamiliessuggeststhatviewisnothingbuta
stereotype.Theresearchers,ledbySuYeongKim,anassociateprofessorofhuman
developmentandfamilysciencesattheUniversityofTexasatAustin,administeredlengthy
questionnairestoparentsandchildren,askingaboutschool,work,homelife,grades,
extracurricularactivitiesandemotions.Theresearchersdeterminedthattheparentsmost
likelytoraisehighachievingoffspringwerenotcoldauthoritariansbutoneswhocombined
therightamountofparentalcontrolwithahighlevelofwarmth,Dr.Kimsaid.
Supportiveparentingalwaysyieldsthebestoutcomeacademicallyandsocioemotionally,
too,sheadded.Thesekidsoutperformthekidsoftigerparentsbyquitealot.
Sheandhercolleaguesproposedotherfactorsthatmighthelpexplainthegoodreportcards:
familyprideculturaltraditionsthatextoleducation,likeConfucianismandchildrensacute
awarenessofparentalsacrifice.
Theygaveupeverythingfortheirkids,asDr.Kimcharacterizedthisattitude,soIdbetter
notblowit.Andwhentheysucceed,theybringhonortoancestors,descendants,theentire
highfivingclan.
ForCareerJugglers,LifeGoesbyFast
Withtwochildren,theGlusacsmayseemtypical,buttheirstoryismorecomplicated.
LOSANGELESJanGlusac,51,isblondandheighhofriendly,afirstgradeteacherwitha
firstratetoleranceforcontradictoryideas.Afewyearsago,sheandherfamilyparticipatedina

landmarkstudybyresearchersfromtheUniversityofCalifornia,LosAngelesaclose
anthropologicallookatthedailylivesof32typicalmiddleclassAmericanfamilies.
Doesshefeelthatherfamilyis,infact,typical?
IdoandIdont,Ms.Glusacsays.
Shewearsalongwhiteskirt,blackblouse,jeansjacketandasilvernecklace,andissittingona
plumpauberginecouchinacomfortable,recentlyrenovatedpostwarbungalowinWestchester,
asolidlymiddleclassneighborhoodnotfarfromtheLosAngelesairport.
Onthetypicalsideoftheledger:Theaveragemiddleclassfamilyhastwochildren,andseated
nexttoMs.Glusacarehertwochildren,KatieandChris.
Katie,17,isahighschoolsenior,astarofhercrosscountryandsoccerteams,aninternata
localveterinaryclinicandthesedaysacaptiveplayerinthatallAmericancombatsportcalled
applyingtocollege.Chris,21,isaSantaMonicaCollegeengineeringstudentwhostilllivesat
homebutplanstotransfernextyeartotheUniversityofCalifornia,SantaBarbara.
Wemaysoonbeemptynesters,Ms.Glusacsays.Thatsonephaseoflifewerenotready
for.
ButatleasttheyllstillhaveOllie,shesaysthebestdogever!Katiechimesinanddogs,it
sohappens,arethemostpopularpetinAmerica,preferredovercatsbymorethantwotoone.
Around6p.m.,SrdanGlusac,50,arriveshomefromhisjobasanavionicsengineeratFederal
Express.Mr.Glusac,whogoesbythenicknameSerg(pronouncedsurge),wasbornin
Sarajevo,Bosnia,butgrewupinMontreal.HelooksliketheoriginalfromwhichChriswas
cloned:thesamemildface,thesamefine,sandyhair.
Mr.Glusacgenerallygetshomeanhourortwoafterhiswife,aschedulingdisparitycommon
amongtwocareerhouseholds:Americanmenspend35to55minuteslongeronthejobeach
daythanwomendo,whileworkingmothersdevoteeightmorehoursaweektochildcareand
housekeepingcomparedwithworkingfathers.
LesstypicalisMr.GlusacsBosnianmother,IlinkaVolk,wholivesnearbyandhaslongacted
asthefantasysupergrandma,obviatingtheneedfordaycare,chauffeuringthekidstosoccer
gamesandservingupOldWorldcomfortfoodlikestuffedcabbage,goulashandarevelatory
Bosniancustardcalledsnowclouds.
JanGlusacpointsoutthatherfamilyisbetteroffthanmost,withahouseholdincomenearly

fourtimesthenationalmedianofabout$51,000.Forexample,Chrisrecentlyboughtablack
BMWconvertible,whichmeantKatiegothisPrius.
Andnowwereafourcarfamily,Chrissayssheepishly.Thatsoundsprettybad,doesntit?
TheaveragenumberofcarsperAmericanfamilyis2.28.
Thefamilyhashaditsshareofframeshiftsandbodyblows.Ms.Glusacwastreatedforbreast
cancereightyearsago.Inmiddleschool,Chrisbecameextremelyintrovertedandbarelyleft
hisroom.IfeellikeImakeyinthewronglock,heconfessedinanotetohisparents.
Thatmademestartcrying,Ms.Glusacsays.Iknewexactlywhathemeant.
Asaninthgrader,Katiewasarrestedaftershopliftingmorethan$100worthofclothingfroma
departmentstore.Herparentsweredevastated.Shewasgroundedforthesummerandhadto
performcommunityservice,helppayherlegalfeesbyhandingovermostofthemoneyshed
savedsinceelementaryschool,andendurethehumiliationofhearinghermothertellother
parentsthatiftheydidntwanttheirchildrenassociatingwithKatie,shedunderstand.
Thatwasthehardestpart,thestrainonmyrelationshipwithmyparents,Katiesays.But
whatcameoutofitwasastrongerrelationshipthanbeforeandluckyforher,nopermanent
record.
IntheU.C.L.A.study,ateamofresearchersassociatedwiththeCenteronEverydayLivesof
Familiesfocusedondualincomefamilieswithtwoormoreschoolagechildrenathomeinthe
LosAngelesarea.Theinvestigatorsspentweekswitheachfamily,stayinginthebackgroundas
theyobservedandrecordedeveryaspectofhomelife:thebanter,thespats,thestrugglesover
homeworkandpianopractice,thelaundry,themeals.
AsrecountedinthebooksFastForwardFamilyandLifeatHomeinthe21stCentury,the
scientistslearnedthatAmericanfamiliesarejustthissideofclinicallycompulsivehoarders,
owningmorematerialgoodsperhouseholdthananysocietyinhistory,inthewordsofone
investigator,JeanneE.Arnold,aprofessorofanthropology.
Theresearchersalsoparticularizedthecentralityofthekitchen,wherethelargestandmost
visibleclocksaredisplayedandwherethegreatestnumberofcalendars,schoolmemosandto
dolistsareposted.
Yetthelureofafestivelypushpinnedcorkboardhasitslimits.Theresearchersdeterminedthat
evenwhenallofthefamilymemberswereathomeandawaketogether,theywereinthesame
roomonly14percentofthetime.

TheresearchershavesincedonecomparativestudiesoffamiliesinItaly,Sweden,Samoaand
thePeruvianAmazon,andhaveconcludedthatAmericanfamiliesareoutliersintheirfixation
onchildrensneedsandchildrenssuccess.
Inothersocieties,schoolagedchildrenareexpectedtobevigilantandseewhatneedstobe
donearoundthehouse,andtheyroutinelydochoreswithoutbeingasked,saidElinorOchs,a
directorofthestudy.Buthere,inmiddleclassmainstreamhouseholds,youcantaskkidsto
doanything.Itsincredible.
Instead,giventodayssingledigitadmissionratesatthenationseliteuniversities,middle
classAmericanparentswanttheirchildrentofocusalmostexclusivelyonhomeworkand
extracurricularactivities.InastudyoftheafterschoollifeofstudentsinthePhiladelphiaarea,
AnnetteLareauoftheUniversityofPennsylvaniaandhercolleaguesfoundthatvirtuallyallthe
middleclasschildrenremainedastightlyscriptedoutsidetheclassroomastheyhadbeen
duringtheschoolday.
Atonesuburbanschool,shesaid,Iwentthroughtheschedulesof100fourthgradersand
couldntfindasinglechildwhodidnothaveanyorganizedactivities.Theresearchersalso
determinedthatthetimechildrenspentinsuchactivitiesroseintandemwiththemothers
education:4hours54minutesperweekforthechildrenofmotherswithsomecollege,5hours
37minutesfortheoffspringofcollegegraduates,and6hours33minutesforthechildrenof
motherswithgraduatedegrees.
IrememberfeelinglikethatwasallIeverdidIwasalwaysinthecardrivingsomeone
someplace,JanGlusacsaysofherfamilystwocardays.IdontthinkIcouldkeepthat
scheduleupatthispointinmylife,sheadds.Nowadays,thekidslargelytakecareof
themselves,Ms.Glusacsays,andtheyreeitheroutofthehouseorworkingintheirrooms.We
lovebeingtogetherasafamily,shesays,evenifthatmeanslittlemorethansharingthesame
roof.
WantingMarriageandPursuitofHappiness
ThecluestoanAmericanparadox,andfamilychanges,canbefoundinthepast.
TheAmericanfamilybeganlifeintheraggednessoftheColonialeraasakindoforganizational
SwissArmyknifemanyinstitutionsinoneconvenientpackage.
Thehomewasaplaceofbusiness,ofrelentlessindustry,wheretherewasalwaysmoreflaxto
spinandtallowtodripallablebodiedfamilymembersfromtoddlerhoodonwardwere
expectedtoworkforthefamilyeconomy.(Infact,thewordfamilycomesfromtheLatinfor

servant.)
Thehomewasadeliveryward,schoolroom,hospitalandfuneralparlor.Andinanagebefore
centralizedgovernmentorevenareliabletownsheriff,thehomeservedastheprimarylocusof
socialcontrol.Everyonehadtoresideintheallencompassingembraceofabustling
household,andadultswhotriedtolivealone,particularlysinglemen,wereviewedwith
suspicion,advisedtomarry,findroomandboardwithadecentfamilyorgetoutoftown.
Asrecentlyasthe1950s,accordingtoAndrewJ.Cherlin,aprofessorofpublicpolicyatJohns
HopkinsUniversity,unattachedadultscouldarousecommunityire.Ifyoudidntgetmarried
byacertainpoint,therehadtobesomethingwrongwithyou,hesaid.Peoplesuspectedyou
werementallyill.
YetasayoungnationofwidehorizonsandPowerballopportunities,Americaalsoencouraged
adegreeoffootlooseness,ascornforthesettledandayenforthenew.Thatnoveltyseeking
spiritappliedasmuchtoconjugalmattersaseconomicones,andthedivorceraterosesteadily
alongwiththenumberofstarsontheflag.Bytheturnofthe20thcentury,theUnitedStates
hadthehighestdivorcerateintheWesternworld,atitleitretainstothisday.
ItsthegreatAmericanparadox.Wevaluemarriageasthecenterofcivilizedsociety,Dr.
Cherlinsaid.Atthesametime,wevalueourliberty,thepursuitofpersonalhappinessandthe
righttoleaveabadmarriagebehind.
OtherfactorshelpedgivetheAmericanfamilyitsdistinctivecast.Asthepopulationshifted
westwardandthedistancesbetweendwellingsopened,Americansgrewaccustomedtoa
degreeofprivacyandpersonalspacethatfewotherearthlingscouldshare.
ThepassionforprivacyacceleratedastheIndustrialRevolutionpulledproductiveactivityout
ofthehouseandintothefactory,leavingthehomeasaprivatesanctumforthefamily.
Americanswentwildfortheprivatizedfamilyandfamilythemedactivities:thefamily
vacation,kiddiebirthdayparties,decoratingtheChristmastree,andtheultimateAmerican
familyholiday,Thanksgiving,signedintolawbythemanwhosavedtheUnion,Abraham
Lincoln.
Andovertheriverandthroughthewoodsnotwithstanding,thatfamilymostlymeant
nuclear,withtiestoolderorsecondorderrelativesincreasinglyfrayed.
Industrializationandtheentryofwomenintotheworkforcechangedthenatureofmarriageas
well,fromthepragmaticmergingofskillsetsthatprevailedintheagriculturaleratoa
relationshipofchoicebasedonfriendship,personalcompatibilityandlove.

Marriageasaninstitutionlostmuchofitspoweroverourlives,butmarriageasarelationship
becamemorepowerfulthanever,saidthesocialhistorianStephanieCoontz.
Thetrendhasonlyintensifiedwithtime.Thelessweneedmarriage,shesaid,themorewe
expectfromit.
BondingFromBehindBars
Thechildrenofmorethanamillioninmatesarelefttocopeasbesttheycan.
OnevariantofthemodernAmericanfamilysadlycharacteristic,ifoftenignoredisthe
familystrugglingwiththeimpactofanincarceratedparent.Largelyasaresultofharshdrug
lawsandmandatoryminimumsentences,thenationsprisonpopulationhasalmost
quadrupledoverthepast30years,accordingtoa2010PewCharitableTrustsstudy.
TodaytheUnitedStatesistheworldsleadingjailerbyfar,housingmoreofitscitizensbehind
barsthanthetop35Europeancountriescombined.Andoftheestimated2.3millioninmates
servingtime,morethanhalfareparentsofchildrenunderage18.Thattranslatesinto2.7
millionaffectedchildrennationwide,oroneofevery28,upfromonein125in1990.
Somegroupshavebeenhitmuchharderthanothers.AfricanAmericanchildrenlivingin
lowerincome,loweducationneighborhoodsaresevenandahalftimesmorelikelythanwhite
kidstoexperiencetheincarcerationofaparent,saidJuliePoehlmann,professorofhuman
developmentandfamilystudiesattheUniversityofWisconsin.Andbyage14,morethanhalf
ofthesekidswithaloweducationparentwillhaveanimprisonedparent.
Familiesarelefttocopeasbesttheycan,notonlywiththedeafeningabsence,theeconomic
hardship,thegriefandlonelinessthatseparationfromalovedonecanbring,butalsowiththe
stigmathataccompaniesacriminalconviction,thefeelingsofhumiliation,debasementand
failure.
Itsonethingifyourfatheristakenawaybydiseaseordivorceitsanotherifhestakenaway
inhandcuffs.Studieshaveshownthatevenaccountingforfactorslikepoverty,thechildrenof
incarceratedparentsareatheightenedriskofseriousbehavioralproblems,ofdoingpoorlyin
schoolordroppingout,ofsubstancemisuse,ofgettingintroublewiththelawandstartingthe
cycleanew.
Inatellingsign,SesameStreetrecentlyintroducedaMuppetnamedAlex,wholooksasglum
asEeyoreandisashamedtoadmitwhyonlyhismothershowsupatschoolevents:Dadisin
prison.Theshowoffersanonlinetoolkitforchildrenandtheircaregivers,LittleChildren,Big
Challenges:Incarceration,withacoloringbook,cutoutmobileandhowamIfeeling?cards

(angry,upset,sad).
Weknowalotofkidswhoneedhelpunderstandingwhatishappeningwiththeirparents,and
caregiverswhoneedtoknowhowtotalkaboutit,saidDr.Poehlmann,whohelpeddevelop
thetoolkit.
Nearlyhalfthecaregiversnevertalkabouttheimprisonedparent,whileanotherthirdsimply
lie,Dr.Poehlmannsaid.Theydonthavethewords,theydontknowwhatthekidswill
understand,shesaid.Butkidshavebigears,andifnoonetalksaboutitdirectly,thekidswill
feeltheyshouldkeepitsecret.
Caregiversarealsooftenhesitanttotakechildrentovisitincarceratedparents,eitheroutof
fearthevisitwillbetraumatic,orbecausetheprisonisusuallyinaremoteruralareahours
frompublictransportation.
Whateverthereason,avastmajorityofprisonersgetnovisits,fromtheirchildrenoranybody
else,Dr.Poehlmannsaid,andtheyfeelverysadaboutthat.
DuringseveralrecentvisitstoamenslowsecurityfederalprisoninruralNewJersey,thejoy,
painandunsettlingordinarinessoffamilytime,penitentiarystyle,wereonfluorescentlit
display.
Womenbroughtbabies,children,teenagersandbagsofquartersforthevendingmachines.
Fatherswearingprisonkhakisandworkbootswererequiredtostayseatedintheirmolded
plasticchairs,butasfamilymembersfiledin,themensHumptyDumptygrinsthreatenedto
splittheirfaces.
Olderchildrensettledintoseatsbesidetheirfathers,whileyoungeronesplayedatkiddietables
inthecorner.Everybodyatechips,microwavedsandwiches,bagsofM&Ms.Theprison
photographersnappedfamilyportraitsinfrontoffakebackdropsofpalmtreesandsunsets.
Onedayattheendofvisitinghours,asfamilymemberslineduptoawaitescortedpassage
throughmultiplelockeddoors,a10yearoldboyinastripedpoloshirtstoodnexttohis
mother,cryingandcrying.Shepulledhimclose,buttheboydidntstop.Hewasweepinghis
quietoceanoflossandwouldgivenothoughttotheshore.

Ininterviews,conductedinpersonandthroughanintermediary,theprisoners,too,tearedup
whentheytalkedabouttheirchildren,andthegreatdifficultytheyhadmaintainingbonds
MOREINHEALTH
throughsentenceslongenoughtoturnthosechildrenintoadults.

ForFirstTi
HelpsPatie
Allarenonviolentoffenders,asareabouttwothirdsofprisonersoverall.Theyspokeon

KindofStr

conditionthatonlytheirfirstnamesbeused.

KindofStr
ReadMore

Sing,atall,slimmaninhisearly40s,hasbeeninprisonfor15yearsondrugcharges,withtwo
yearstogo.Hissonanddaughterarenow17and23,buthehasbeenadamantaboutstaying
involvedintheirlivesthroughletters,phonecallsandemails.
Theyaredoingverywell,hesaid.Theyhavenocriminalproblems.
YetbecausetheyliveinFlorida,1,000milesaway,Singhasntseentheminfiveyears.Heand
otherinmatesexpressedfrustrationathowoftentheBureauofPrisonsflouteditsofficial
policyoftryingtohouseinmatesinfacilitieswithin500milesoftheirfamilies.Theauthorities
aresupposedtodoasmuchaspossibletokeepfamiliestogether,Singsaidbitterly,butthey
domoretokeepfamiliesapart.
Otherinmatessaidthatnomatterwhereitwas,prisonhadawayofcorrodingemotionaltiesto
theoutsideworld.Jon,whois55andthreeyearsintoafiveyearsentence,scoffedwhenhe
firstarrivedandaseasonedinmatetoldhimhedsoonstopcaringabouttheeverydayconcerns
ofthepeopleheleftbehind,includingthoseofhisonlychild,ateenagegirl.
Theveteran,Jonsighed,wasright.Ihavetomakeaspecialeffortnowtostayemotionally
connectedwithmydaughterandtokeepupwithherdailyexperiences,hesaid.Itshardfor
metodo.ShellstarttalkingaboutherfriendsandIllhavenoideawhotheyare.
Perseverancehelps.Mytoppriorityistostayrelevantinmykidslives,saidRob,anathletic
46yearoldwhohasbeeninprisonfouryearsandhasthreeteenagedaughters.Iputthem
firstasmuchasIcan.
Hecallseachgirlonceaweekandpreparesconversationnotesaheadoftime.Hesendsgifts
hesdrawnorcrocheted.Theyhaveafamilybookclub.Hisdaughtersseemtobedoingwell:
OneisatBrynMawrCollege,andanotherisatTaborAcademy,ahighlycompetitiveprep
school.Butwithnineyearsofhardtimeyettogo,whoknowsifallthethreadswillhold?
SimplyDecidingtoBeRelated
Circumstancescanleadtofriendshipsbecomingsomethingmore.
ThenightBekiReeses22yearoldson,Caleb,wentintoacoma,threemonthsbeforehewould
dieoflungcancer,sheaskedhisbestfriend,Matt,arewegoingtoloseyoutoo,whenthisisall
over?
Aftermeetingataheavymetalconcertin2001,MatthewTanksley,now33,becamethebig

brotherCalebneverhad.WhenCalebgotsick,Mattvisitedhiminthehospitalalmostdaily,
andbrieflytookontheroleofnurseduringamemorabletriptoCaboSanLucas,Mexico.But
hewasalsothereforMs.Reese,ofCostaMesa,Calif.,whosaysshedependedonhimfor
emotionalsupportashersonsillnessprogressed.
Throughthatordeal,thatninemonthperiod,Ibecamelikeafullfledgedmemberofthe
family,Mr.Tanksleysaid.Wewerehavingfamilydinnerstogether,weweregoingouttoeat,
weweretalkingtoeachothereverydayonthephone.Hardtimesbuildbonds,andthat
definitelyhappened.
Mr.Tanksleysownmotherhaddiedwhenhewas13,sohewelcomedtheReeseclans
embrace.Sevenyearslater,heandCalebsmotherremainclose:Shecallshimherson,andhe
introducesherasMom.
Relationshipsliketheseindependentofbiologybutcloserandmoreenduringthan
friendshiphavebeendocumentedinvariousculturesthroughouthistory.IntheUnited
States,theyareparticularlycommonwithinAfricanAmericanandimmigrantcommunities,as
wellasgayandlesbiansocialnetworks.Anthropologistshavetraditionallyusedtheterm
fictivekintoseparatesuchrelationshipsfromtruekinshipbasedonbloodorlaw,butmany
researchershaverecentlypushedbackagainstthatdistinction,arguingthatselfconstructed
familiesarenolessrealormeaningfulthanconventionalones.
Theyseethesefolksasfamily,andsoImgoingtohonorthat,saidDawnO.Braithwaite,
headofcommunicationstudiesattheUniversityofNebraska.Wewanttothinkaboutitmore
asacontinuumfromfriendshiptofamily,andIdontknowwhenthebellrings.Butdefinitely,
forthesepeople,nobodyhadadoubtthatitwasafamilytothem.
Dr.Braithwaiteandhercolleagueshavetermedsuchfamiliesvoluntarykin.Forastudy
publishedin2010,theyinterviewed110peopleinsuchrelationshipstheyfoundthatforsome
people,voluntarykinshipfilledavoidleftbydeathorestrangementfrombiologicalfamily,
whileforotherstherelationshipsweresupplementalortemporary.
Onethingthatdistinguishestheserelationshipsfromfriendship,Dr.Braithwaitesaid,isthat
theyoftenbecomecentraltoonesidentity.Andmanyserveimportantlifefunctions:Theymay
provideasenseofbelonging,aswellasfinancialandemotionalrelief.
Mr.Tanksleysownfamilyexpandedthreeyearsago,whenhemarriedCalebReesesformer
girlfriend,Shannon.TheirtwochildrencallMs.ReeseNana.RoniJacobson