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AProgramforPremarital
Guidance
ByRonFlowers
CoDirector,DepartmentofFamilyMinistries
GeneralConferenceofSeventhdayAdventists

Introduction

Thisprogramprovidessuggestionsforaseriesofeightsessionsofapproximately90minutes
eachbetweenacoupleandapastor,counselororotherindividualwithtrainingintheissuesrelatedto
premaritalguidance.Coupleassignmentsforbetweensessionsareincluded.Thefinalselectionof
topicsandadaptationmaybemadeasnecessarybythepastor/counselortofitparticularsituations.

Objectives

1.TohelpthecoupletoestablishaChristianfoundationformarriage.

2.Topreparethecoupleforthetransitiontomarriedlife.

3.Toassistthecoupleindevelopmentofrelationshipskills.

4.Toconfirmthecouple'sdecisiontomarryeachotherorencouragethemtopostponetheir
weddinguntilfurtherrelationalgrowthoccurs.

Oneofthebyproductsoftheprogramcanbethedevelopmentofconfidenceandtrustinthe
pastor/counselorsothatcoupleswillhavegreaterappreciationforspecializedhelpfortheirmarriagein
thefuture.

Methodology

Inthisprogram,informationandrelationshipskillbuildingelementsarecombinedwith
personalandrelationshipassessmenttools.Thepastor/counselorprovidesinformationasnecessary
andmodelstheskillsinvolved,butprimarilyservesasafacilitatorandcoachofaprocessthatenables
thecoupletodiscovertheirpersonalandrelationshipstrengthsandweaknessesandstimulates
relationalgrowth.

PreparingforMarriageInventory

ThePreparingforMarriageInventoryistheprimaryassessmenttoolinthisprogram.Itprovides
ameansforthepastor/counselortoassessthepersonalandrelationalneedsofthecouple.The
couplesresponsestoPMIalsoprovidesasourceofmaterialforcounselorcouplediscussionandcouple
dialogueinthepresenceofthepastor/counselorduringthesessions.

2008DepartmentofFamilyMinistries
GeneralConferenceofSeventhdayAdventists

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Session1:FoundationsforMarriage

CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession1.

Writetwoorthreeparagraphsgivingyourdefinitionofmarriage.Includereflectionson
Genesis2:25,25;Proverbs2:17;Malachi2:14.WhydoyouthinkGodhatesdivorce(Malachi2:16)?

CompletethePreparingforMarriageInventory.

CompleteWorksheetA:"AmIReadyforMarriage?"

IfadditionaltestinginstrumentssuchasMyersBriggsTypeIndicator,TaylorJohnson
TemperamentAnalysisorPREPAREareavailable,theymaybeassignedatthistime.

Counselor'sOutlineforSession1.

Getacquainted.Askeachpartnertointroduceanddescribetheothertoyou.Share
informationaboutyourselfthatwillenablethemtorelatetoyouasapersonaswellasacounselor.

Discusstheirexpectationsofpremaritalcounseling.Ask:"Whatwouldyouliketosee
accomplishedduringthisperiodofpremaritalpreparation?"

Askabouttheirreasonsformarrying.Invitethecoupletodescribetoeachotherthespecific
reasonswhytheywanttomarryeachother.Beattentivetotheirreasons,affirmingthepositivesand
makingmentalnoteofthemoreunhealthyreasonsforlaterdiscussion.

Amongtheunhealthyreasonofmarriage:Attemptingtoimproveonesnegativeselfimage,fear
oflifelongsingleness,marryingonthereboundfromaformerpainfulrelationship,escapinganunhappy
home,guiltbecauseofsexualintimacyorpregnancy.Positivereasonsinclude:Companionship,
partnershipinworkforGodandothers,fulfillmentofonesownandonespartnersneeds,fulfillmentof
sexualneedsinthewayGodintends,convictionthatmarriagetothispersonisinharmonywithGod's
will.

DiscussChristianfoundationsformarriage.Invitethecoupletosharetheirwritten
definitionsofmarriageanddiscusswitheachothertheirunderstandingoftheassignedtexts.Additional
questionsmightinclude:WhatisyourpresentrelationshiptoChristandwhatrolewillHeplayinyour
marriage?WhatareyourconvictionsaboutdivorceasanoptionforChristians?Howwillyourposition
affectthequalityofyourcommitmenttooneanother?"AnAffirmationofMarriage"(Handout1)may
beusedtocontinuethediscussiononChristianmarriageorgiventothecoupleforreadingand
discussionoutsidethesession.

Discussthetransitionfrompremaritallifetomarriage.Questionsforthecouplemight
include:Whatwillbedifferentaboutyourrelationshipaftertheweddingdayotherthanphysicalsexual
intimacy?Doyouforeseeanyhurtlesyouwillhavetosurmount?Ifso,whatmighttheybe?Encourage
themtodiscusstheirresponseswitheachotherratherthandirectingtheirresponsestowardyou.

Majorissuesinthetransitionfromthepremaritalperiodtomarriageincludeleavingonesfamily
oforiginandchangingtherelationshipswithoppositesexfriendsandwithparentstoreflectthefact

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thattheynowhaveaspecialrelationshipwitheachother.Explorewiththecouplewhattheythink
mightbeinvolvedineachofthesetasks.

Collectremaininghomeworkassignments;Distributenextassignments.Collecttheircopies
ofPreparingforMarriageInventoryandWorksheetA:"AmIReadyforMarriage?"Thesewillhelpyou
inyourongoingassessmentofthecouplesneeds.

Session2:FamilyandRelationshipHistory

CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession2

IfthecouplehasnotcompletedthePreparingforMarriageInventory,theyshoulddosoin
preparationforSession2.

Counselor'sOutlineforSession2

Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.

Discusseachindividual'sfamilyhistory.Pastfamilyrelationshipstendtoinfluencehowwe
relatetoothersnowandinthefuture.PartsXI,XIIofPMIprovidetherawmaterialforthissession.
Additionaldiscussionpoints:Whomakesdecisionsinthefamilyinwhichyougrewup?Whoowns
whatterritory?Howisyourfianc/fiancesimilartoyourfatherormother?Isthereanywayinwhich
thereisstilladependencyorsomethingunresolvedbetweenyouandyourparents?Whatisthere
aboutyourparentsmarriagethatyouwantordon'twant?Howwouldyoulikefeelingsoflove,
warmth,andtendernessshowntoyouinpublicandinyourhome?

Discussrelatedfamilysystemsissues.Ifyouarefamiliarwiththeuseofagenogram,youmay
constructoneforthecoupleandendeavortoidentifyproblematicfamilylinkages,aswellasissuesof
addictionandcodependentbehaviors.

Questionsthatcancreatediscussionwiththecoupleatthistimeinclude:Isthereanything
aboutyourselforyourpastthatyouthinkmightseriouslyaffectyourmarriage?Wastherealcoholor
substanceabuseinyourfamily,lackofaffirmation,oremotional,sexual,orphysicalabuse?Howhave
youfoundthepresenceofanyofthesethingstohaveaninfluenceonyourlifetoday?Inwhatwayswill
youmakechangessothatthepresenceoftheseinthepastwillenableyoutohaveadifferentfuture
together?Inthelightofwhatishappeningtomarriagestoday,whywillyoursbedifferent?

Providehope.Closewiththehopefulandencouragingthoughtthat,thoughdifficultiesand
dysfunctionmayhavemarkedone'shistoryinthepast,itispossiblewithGod'shelptocreatehealthy
patternsofrelationshiptodaythataredifferentfromthoseofthepast.

Session3:CelebratingOurDifferences

CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession3

Writtenexercise:Candidlylistfears,anxietiesorworriesthatyouhaveasyouthinkabout
beingmarried.

WorksheetB:"CelebratingOurDifferences"

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Counselor'sOutlineforSession3

Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.

Discusstestresults.IfyouhaveusedatestsuchasMyersBriggsTypeIndicator,Taylor
JohnsonTemperamentAnalysis,orPREPARE,youmaywishtodiscusstheresultswiththecoupleatthis
time.Treatallsuchinformationasprivateand,ifyouplantoshareresultswiththecoupletogether,do
soonlywiththepermissionofeachpartner.Donotfocussolelyonthedifferencesbetweenthe
spouses.Lookforopportunitiestoaffirmthepartners'accuraciesinunderstandingeachother.

Assistthecoupleinunderstanding,acceptingandappreciatingeachothersdifferentness.
Thecompletedexercise"CelebratingOurDifferences"(WorksheetB)aswellasresultsyouhave
observedintheirPreparingforMarriageInventorywillprovidefurtherinsightsintoareasinwhichthey
mayfeeltroubledbytheirdifferences.

Somedifferentnesscanbeexpectedincouples,arisingfromdifferencesingender,
temperament,familyoforigin,culture,andhabitsorpersonalpreferences.Understanding,
accommodation,adaptation,evenappreciationcomeasthecouplesloveandcommitmentareaidedby
improvedcommunicationandconflictresolutionskills.Provideopportunityforthecoupletodiscuss
theirexerciseCelebratingOurDifferences.Helpthemtoidentifyeachother'sneedsandtotalk
openlyabouthowtheyexpecttoaddressthesenowandinthefuture.Bealertforthetendencyto
glossoverdifferentnessortheexpectationthattheotherpersonwillchange.Watchforwarningsigns
ofabuse,attitudesofsuperiority,manipulation,oremotionalcontrolthatareinappropriatein
relationships.

Discusshealthyselfworth.Youmaywishtodiscusstheimportanceofahealthysenseof
personalworthasitisrootedfirstofallinGod'sattitudeofloveandacceptanceofusthroughChrist
andthenreinforcedbyexperiencesofunconditionallovefoundwithinmarriage,withfamily,friendsor
church.Askthecoupletodialoguetogethersothatyoucanhearthemtalkabout:Inwhatwaysdoeach
ofyougiveaffirmationtoeachother,buildeachotherup(Rom.14:19;1Thess.5:ll),orlifteachother
upwhenyoufall(Ecc.4:12)?

Collectthecouple'swrittenexerciseonfearsinmarriage.Youmaywishtohavethismerely
forinformationortohavethecouplesdiscussthesewitheachotherduringalatersession.

Session4:Communication

CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession4

WorksheetC:"CommunicationChecklist"

WorksheetD:"CommunicationandUs"

Counselor'sOutlineforSession4

Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.

DiscussresponsestoWorksheetC:"CommunicationChecklist."Askthecoupletosharetheir
responseswitheachother.

Someinstructionincommunicationandcoachingofthecoupletoexplorenew
communicationpatternsmaybeappropriate.Helpthecoupletounderstandtherelationshipofverbal
andnonverbalcommunication(Handout2:"CommunicationComponents").Asageneralrule,couples
shouldusebothnonverbalandverbalmessageswhenexpressingpositivefeelingsbutrelyheavilyon
wordswhentheywishtocommunicatenegativefeelings.Theyshouldbeabletolistenattentivelyto
thethoughtsandfeelingsofothers(Handout3:ListeningEffectively),andbecomfortablewithdeeper
levelsofselfdisclosure(Handout4:LevelsofCommunication).Understandingmalefemale
differencesincommunicationstylemayalsobehelpful(SeeHandout5:"MaleFemaleDifferencesin
Communication").

AskthecoupletodialoguetogetheronthetopicscoveredinWorksheetD,"Communication
andUs,"employingthecommunicationskillstheyarelearning.

DistributeHandout6:BibleHintsonCommunication.Usethisforfurtherstudyduringthe
sessionorforthecoupletostudytogetherbetweensessions.

Session5:HandlingConflict

CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession5

IndividuallycompleteWorksheetE:"SometimesWeDon'tAgree."

CompletetogetherWorksheetF:"DavidandMichal."

Counselor'sOutlineforSession5

Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.

DiscussresponsestoWorksheetE:"SometimesWeDon'tAgree."Invitethecoupletoshare
theirresponseswitheachotherandtotalktogetheraboutthefollowingquestionswhileyoulisten,
observeandcoachtheircommunicationprocess:WhatdidyoulearnfromtheBiblestudyofDavidand
Michal(WorksheetF)?Inwhatwayscouldyouidentifywiththeirexperience?Howhasanger
expresseditselfinyourrelationship?Whatdoyoudoaboutit?

Offerinstructiononangerandconflictresolutionasappropriate.ExploretextssuchasMark
3:5andEph.4:26tohelpthecoupleviewangerasanemotionthat,whenrightlyused,servestoprotect
andpreservehumandignityandrespect.Inmarriage,itprovidesawarningsignalaboutareasthatneed
attentionifemotionalclosenessistobeachieved.Useddestructively,angerleadstoattitudesand
behaviorsthaterodeanddestroyintimacy,butbygettingbehindtheangertothehurtfeelingthathas
triggeredit,thecouplecanlearnsomethingvaluableandimportantabouttheirrelationship,discover
eachothersneeds,andgrowcloser.

StudyHandout7:"StepsinCreativeProblemSolving"withthecouple,whichoffersaproblem
solving/conflictresolvingsequence.Buildthecouple'sskillinproblemsolvingbyhavingthemworkona
conflictissueoftheirownorononeormoreofthosefoundonWorksheetG:ConflictSituations.

DiscusstheChristianconceptofforgiveness.Possiblequestionsmightinclude:Whatisyour
understandingofforgiveness?Howwouldyouseeforgivenessoperatinginamarriage?Inyourview,
wouldforgivenessmeantheacceptanceofabuse?HelpthecoupletoenvisionforgivenessasaGod

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givenprocessthat,overtime,canfosterthehealingofemotionalwounds.Forgivenessincludesan
unconditionalaspectinwhichthewoundedoneexperiencesreleasefromadesiretoretaliateand
extendsforgivenessinthespiritofChrist(Luke23:34;Eph.4:32).Suchforgivenessdoesnotmean
reconciliation,butinsteadcreatesaclimatethatmayleadtorelationshiphealing.Forgivenessalsohas
aconditionalaspectthatrequiresacceptanceonthepartoftheoffenderexpressedinrepentance(2
Chron.7:14;Luke17:3,4).Onlywhentruerepentanceisevidentstoppingtheoffendingbehavior,
takingresponsibilityfortheoffense,recognizingthehurtthathasbeencaused,andmakingsuch
amendsasarepossiblecanthefullnessofforgiveness,whichopensthedoorforpossible
reconciliationintherelationship,beexperienced.

Session6:Roles,FinancesandInlaws

CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession6

StudyGalatians3:28;Ephesians5:2133;Philippians2:4anddiscusshowthegospelprinciple
ofmutualsubmissionwillbeexpressedinyourmarriage.

WorktogetheronWorksheetH:"RolesExploration."

WorktogetheronWorksheetI:"HouseholdBudget."Thinkintermsofthefirstyearof
marriage.

Writealettertoyourrespectiveinlawsstatingreasonswhyyouaregladtobejoiningtheir
family.Askforsuggestionsonhowtomakeagoodadjustmentinmarriagetotheirson/daughter.

Counselor'sOutlineforSession6

Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.

Discussresponsibilitiesinmarriage.Forcoupledialogue:Whatdidthestudyoftheassigned
passagesmeantoyou?Whatnewunderstandingsdidyouhave?Whatdidtheprocessofdoingthe
"RolesExploration"worksheetdoforyou?Whatdidyoulearnaboutthepatternyourmarriagewill
take?Howdoesyourchoiceof"whodoeswhat"comparewithyourfamilyoforigin?

Discussfinances.Invitethecoupletodescribetheirexperienceinpreparingtheirbudgetfor
thefirstyear.Forcoupledialogue:Whatisyourspiritualunderstandingofstewardshipoveryour
finances?Whatexpectationsdidyoudiscoverthatyouhaveforeachother?Ifyourparentsorparents
inlawofferedtogiveyouageneroussumofmoney,howwouldyourelatetothis?Howmuchmoney
fromyourfamilyfinancesshouldyourpartnerbeabletospendwithoutyourpermission?Howdidyou
arriveatyourfigure?

Discussinlawrelationships.Someentrypointsfordiscussionandcoupledialoguemightbe:
Whatwereyourfeelingsaboutwritingthelettertoyourfutureinlaws?Howdidyoufeelabouttheir
response?Whataresomeofthewishesofbothfamiliesthatyouintendtoincludeinyourwedding
plans?Describeyourparents'attitudetowardyourmarriage.Dothetwosetsofparentslikeeach
other?Describethingsaboutyourfutureinlawsthatyoureallylike.Describethingsaboutyourfuture
inlawsthatyoudonotlike.Whatdoyouplantodoaboutthecharacteristicsyoudonotlikeinyour
futureinlaws?

Session7:Sexuality,WeddingPlans

CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession7

CompleteindividuallyWorksheetJ:"Sexuality."

Counselor'sOutlineforSession7

Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.

Discusssexuality.InvitethecoupletodialoguetogetherabouttheiranswersonWorksheetJ
"Sexuality."Otherpointsfordiscussionandcoupledialogue:Whenyouweregrowingup,withwhom
didyoufeelcomfortablewhentalkingaboutyourquestionsconcerningsex?Whatmadethatperson
easytotalkwith?HowimportantissexinaChristiancouple'smarriage?Whatdifferencewouldbeing
aChristianmakeinacouple'ssexualrelationshipinmarriage?Howwillyourespondanddealwithitif,
afteryouaremarried,anotherpersonisattractedtoyouandapproachesyou?Whatifyoufindyourself
attractedtoanotherperson?Otherquestionsmightbe:Whatisyourlevelofcomfortatthistimein
yourrelationship?Whatifyoulearnthatanotherpersonisattractedtoyourspouse?Whatifyoufind
thatyourspouseisattractedtoanotherperson?

Discusspairbonding.UsingHandout8:PairBonding,discussthestepsintheformationofa
strongandhealthypairbond.Thesestepsprovideinformationofusetocouplesinunderstanding
aspectsoftheircurrentrelationship,instrengtheningtheirfuturemarriage,andinguardingagainstthe
formationofinappropriatebondsoutsidethemarriage.

Discussfamilyplanning.Itisimportantthatopportunitybegivenfordiscussionandquestions
bythecoupleonthetopicoffamilyplanning.Forcoupledialogue:Howmanychildrenwouldbeideal
foryou?Whenwillyouplanforthefirsttobeborn?Willyouusecontraceptives,orhowwillyou
accomplishfamilyplanning?Howdoesyourfiance(e)feelabouttheseissues?Whatareyourattitudes
aboutabortion?

Reviewthecouple'sweddingplanswiththem.Weddingplanningoftenisatimeofstressfor
couples.Duringthissession,oratanadditionalsession,theymaywishtoreviewtheirplanningwith
you.Youcanreassureandcomfortthemastheyconsiderthedetailsoftheirweddingday.Helpthem
anticipatewhattheirrespectivefamiliesmayexpectandtoempathizewithotherfamilymembers.They
mayneedhelpwiththeresolutionofdifficultdetails,suchaswho'sinchargeoftheweddingplansand
reception,placinglimitationsonspending,etc.Invitethecoupletomakealistofwhattheywanttheir
weddingtoreflectandwhatwouldbepleasingtobothsetsofrelatives.Helpthemfocusonthecentral
purposeoftheceremonyacelebrationoftheirloveandthepublicaffirmationoftheirpromisesto
eachotherbeforeGod.

Makeanappointmentforthepostweddingsession.Thissession,describedbelow,should
occurapproximatelysixmonthsafterthewedding.

Session8:PostweddingSession

Helpduringthefirstyear.Priortomarriageandforaperiodthereafter,couplesareoftenina
stateofblissemotionallydetachedfromreality,andnotveryopentoinput.Someresearchshows
thatafterthesixthmonththeycometoseethemselvesinmorerealistictermsandarereadyforhelp

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thattheywouldpreviouslyhaveignored.Theearlymonthsofmarriageareatimewhenthepair
developstheirinteractionpatterns,whichthenbecomehabitualtothem.Ifthesepatternsaregrowth
promoting,theywillmovetowardemotionalclosenessandtrueoneness.Otherwise,therelationship
willtendtomovetowarddisillusionmentandalienation.

Topicstobeaddressed.Areasofconcernwhichmightbeaddressedinclude:1)adjustment;
2)communication;3)enrichment.Invitethemtotalkwitheachotherandtoyouabout:Whatarethe
mostpositiveexperiencesyouhavehadduringthefirstmonthsofmarriage?Wherehaveyouhadthe
greatestdifficulty?Onwhichareasareyouworkingtogetherwell?Onwhichareyouhavingdifficulty?
Havetensionsorblocksdevelopedinyourcommunication?Howareyoudoinginconflictresolution?

Encouragethecoupletosetasideregulartimeforcoupledevotionsandformarriage
enrichment,throughreading,attendanceatamarriageenrichmentretreat,orregularvisitswitha
pastororcounselor.

Anyareasnotthoroughlycoveredduringthepremarriagesessions(incompletediscussions,
reading,worksheets)mayberevisitedatthistime.Additionalsessionsmaybeplannedastheneeds
areexpressedbythecouple.

Bibliography

Balswick,J.O.,&Balswick,J.K.(1991).Thefamily.GrandRapids:BakerBookHouse.

Brown,J.H.,&Christensen,D.N.(1986).Familytherapy:theoryandpractice.Monterey,CA:
Brooks/ColePublishingCompany.

Joy,D.(1985).Bonding:relationshipsintheimageofGod.Waco,TX:WordBooks.

Kroeger,O.,&Thuesen,J.M.(1988).Typetalk.NewYork:Doubleday.

Mace,D.(1978).Marriageenrichment.NewsletteroftheAssociationofCouplesforMarriage
Enrichment.459SouthChurchSt.,WinstonSalem,NC27108.NovemberDecember,1978.

Mace,D.(1981).Marriageenrichment.NewsletteroftheAssociationofCouplesforMarriage
Enrichment.459SouthChurchSt.,WinstonSalem,NC27108.JulyAugust,1981.

Mace,D.(1982).Loveandangerinmarriage.GrandRapids:TheZondervanCorporation.

Mace,D&V.(1985).InthepresenceofGod:ReadingsforChristianmarriage.Philadelphia:The
WestministerPress.

McGoldrick,M.,&Gerson,R.(1985)Genogramsinfamilyassessment.NewYork:W.W.Norton&
Company.

Miller,S.,Wackman,D.,Nunnally,E.,&Miller,P.(1992).Connectingwithselfandothers.Littleton,CO:
InterpersonalCommunicationsPrograms,Inc.

Morris,D.(1971).Intimatebehavior.NewYork:RandomHouse.

Myers,I.B.,&McCaulley,M.H.(1985).AguidetothedevelopmentanduseoftheMyersBriggstype

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indicator.PaloAlto,CA:ConsultingPsychologistsPress.

Penner,C.,&Penner,J.(1981).Thegiftofsex.Waco,TX:WordPublishing.

Pitt,T.K.(1985).Premaritalcounselinghandbookforministers.ValleyForge:JudsonPress.

Powell,J.(1969).WhyamIafraidtotellyouwhoIam?Niles,IL:ArgusCommunications.

Roberts,W.,&Wright,H.N.(1978).Beforeyousay"Ido".Irvine,CA:HarvestHousePublishers.

Smedes,L.(1984).Forgiveandforget.SanFrancisco:Harper&Row,Publishers.

Stahmann,R.F.,&Hiebert,W.J.(1987).Premaritalcounseling.Lexington,MA:D.C.Heathand
Company.

Stuart,R.B.(1980).Helpingcoupleschange.NewYork:TheGuilfordPress.

Taylor,R.M.,&Morrison,L.P.(1984).TaylorJohnsontemperamentanalysismanual.LosAngeles:
PsychologicalPublications,Inc.

Trathen,D.(1992).AChristianpremaritalmanual.Littleton,Co:SouthwestCounselingAssociates.

Worthington,E.L.(1990).Counselingbeforemarriage.Dallas:WordPublishing.

Wright,H.N.(1985).Soyou'regettingmarried.Ventura,CA:RegalBooks.

Wright,H.N.(1992).Thepremaritalcounselinghandbook.Chicago:MoodyPress.

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Handout1

ANAFFIRMATIONOFMARRIAGE

Marriageisverygood.Inresponsetoaquestionaboutmarriage,JesuspointedHishearers
backtomarriageasordainedatcreation(Matt.19:3),whenGodpronouncedallthings"verygood"
(Gen.1:31).ThemarriageofthefirsthumanpairportrayedGod'sidealforthisrelationship.Theywere
"oneflesh"andnakedandunashamed(Gen.2:24,25).IntheirunionGodprovidedforlove,affection
andcompanionshipaswellastheperpetuationofthehumanfamily(Gen.2:18;Prov.5:18;Gen.1:28).
Marriageishonorable(Heb.13:4).Amanwhofindsawife"findswhatisgood"(Prov.18:22NIV).

Marriagehasbeenpervertedbysin,butrestoredbygrace.Thesinofthefirstcouplealtered
theirrelationship.InobediencetoGod,theirmarriedliveshadbeenharmoniousandpeaceful.
Disobediencebroughtconsequencesthatadverselyaffectedthempersonallyandintheirmarriage
(Gen.3:616).Powerstrugglesinmarriage,blaming,distrust,andabusehavebeenexhibited
everywheresincethefallofthefirstmarriedcouple.Theentranceofsinchangedthewaycouples
experiencemarriage.TheselfishnessofhumanheartscausedittobesomethingfarlessthanGod's
ideal.Butthegoodnewsofthegospelconcerningmarriageisthatsin'spowerisbroken.Bythegrace
ofGodtheexperienceofmarriagecanbeverygood.

Marriageisathreefold,lifelongcovenant.Whenamanandwomanmarrytheyenterintoa
covenantwitheachother,withsociety,andwithGodtobefaithfultooneanotheruntildeath(Prov.
2:17;Mal.2:14).Asthegospelisexperiencedinmarriage,therelationshipofthepartnerswitheach
otherisfashionedafterthelikenessofthedivinecovenantwithhumanity(Psalms89:34;Lament.3:23).
Theyaretolove,serveandforgiveasHeloves,servesandforgives(John15:12;Matt.20:2628;Eph.
5:2133;Titus2:4,Eph.4:32).Thecoupledrawsstrengthfromtheprovisionsmadeinthedivine
covenant,Godpromisinggraceandpowertoenablethemtodowhattheycouldnotdoontheirown
(Eph.6:10;Phil.4:13).Hiscovenantloveknitstogetherwhatsinseparates(Col2:2).Thiscovenant,with
thecrossofChristatitscenter,makespossibletheintimateunionofamanandawomaninmarriage.
Asthecrossisuplifted,spouseswhohavebecomealienatedmaybebroughtneartoGodandtoeach
other.ThebloodofJesusbreaksdownthewallsofhostilitythattheenemyhasbuiltup(Eph2:13,14).

Marriageisaunionofequals.Fromtheverybeginning,maleandfemalewereequallyformed
intheimageofGod,equallyblessed,andmadecoregentsovertheearth(Gen.1:2628).Jesuselevated
thepartiallyloststatusofwomen,treatingthemwithloveandrespectandrestoringtheiroriginal
creationequalitywithmen(Mark10:212;14:39;John4:730;8:111).TheapostlePauldeclaresthat
allhumanbeings,regardlessofrace,sexorageareonebyvirtueofcreation(Acts17:26)and
redemption(Gal.3:28).HeproclaimedthatChristhasbrokenthebarriersofprejudice,religious
traditionandcustomsthatcauseonegrouptoviewanotherasinferior(Eph.2:14,16).Paulupheldthe
rightsofhusbandsandwivesasequalsintheirmaritalrelationship(1Cor.7:35).Peterspeaksof
marriedcouplesasbeing"heirstogetherofthegraceoflife"(1Peter3:7).Whilesomeobvious
capabilitiespertainingtohumanreproductionbelonguniquelytoeachofthesexes,thepotentialof
eachspouseisnototherwiselimitedorfixedbygender.Intheirloving,trustingrelationship,eachis
abletopursueinterests,fillroles,andtakeresponsibilitiesaccordingtotheirspiritualgiftedness,
aptitudes,talentsandabilities.

Marriageisadynamicrelationship.Marriageisaunionoftwopeoplewhoundoubtedlyshare

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somecommonvalues,butwhowillneverthelessneedtoworkatmakingnumerousadjustments
throughouttheirlivestogether.Spousesfrequentlyareverydifferentintemperament,habitsand
tastes.Educationandbackgrounds,lifestyleandthestructureofthefamiliesinwhichtheygrewupall
haveanimpactonthenewmarriage.Thetwowholinktheirlivesinmarriagebringtotheiruniontheir
hopes,theirplans,theirstrengthsandtheirweaknesses.Attheirweddingtheybeginaprocessof
blendingtheirdreams,modifyingtheirexpectationsanddealingwitheachother'simperfections.Forces
atworkwithinandaroundthemwillproducechangesinthempersonally,intheirmarriageandintheir
relationshipswithothers.Intheirpassagethroughlife,variousphaseswillbeencountered,eachwith
somebuiltin,predictablecrisesthatcanandoftenwilloccur.Theselifecyclestagesandotherstresses
inlivingwillrequireongoingadaptation.

Thisprocessofmaturing,copingwithchangeandadjustingtoeachotherinwaysthatprovide
satisfyinglevelsofintimacythisgrowingisacontinuousexperience.Marriageisthereforenotstatic,
butdynamic.Somecouplesarebetterequippedthanothersindealingwiththeirdifferentness,
handlingchangesandinmakingtheadjustmentsnecessaryforahealthy,lifelongmarriage.Virtuallyall,
however,needsomehelpinanticipatingchange,preparingforitandlivingsuccessfullythroughthe
seasonsoftheirlivesandmarriages.Enrichmentprogramswhichassistcouplesindevelopingrelational
skills,supportnetworksofcaringcouples,andmarriagecounselingareimportantresourcestoenable
couplestomeetthedemandsofcontemporarymarriageandlifetogether.

Marriageisaministry.Eachcoupleisaministryunitwhichcanbehighlyeffectiveinreaching
outtostrengthenandencourageothercouplesandindividuals.Agreatneedispresentinthelivesof
countlesshusbandsandwivesforguidanceandencouragementintheirmarriages.Fewerandfewer
coupleshavemodelsoflasting,committed,satisfyingChristianmarriagesatwhichtolookforapattern
fortheirownrelationship.Societalpressuresagainstmarriagearesuchastonecessitatetheenlistment
ofeveryavailableChristiancoupleinoutreachandsupportforothermarriedcouples.Inthepresence
ofsuchcaringcouples,manyhusbandsandwiveswillseeapracticaldemonstrationofGod'slove,find
reassurancefortheiridentity,comfortinthemidstofdifficultyandhopetocarrythemforward.

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Handout2

COMMUNICATIONCOMPONENTS

COMMUNICATIONCOMPONENTS

Ofthetotalfeelingconveyedinaspokenmessage,7%isverbalfeeling,38%isvocalfeeling,and55%is
facialfeeling.Becausewearemorelikelytocensorourwordsthanouractionsinexpressingourwords,
itisverycommontofindinconsistenciesbetweenthesetwolevelsofcommunication.Wearemore
likelytousewordstocommentontheother'sactionsandmorelikelytousenonverbalmessagesto
commentontheotherasaperson.Itisthelattersetofmessagesthatappearstodictateboth
satisfactionwiththeencounterandattractiontotheotherperson,aswellastoqualifythewaysin
whichthespokenwordswillbeunderstood.

Mehrabian,A.(1972).Nonverbalcommunication.Chicago:AldineAthertoninStuart,R.B.
(1980).Helpingcoupleschange.NewYork:TheGuilfordPress.

55%
Nonverbals

7%
Words

38%
Tone of Voice

13
Handout3
LISTENINGEFFECTIVELY

Listeningisalearnedskillanditcanbedeveloped.Moreeffectivelisteningwillshowourlove,
careandsupportmorefullyandhelpourrelationshipsgrow.

Listennonverbally.Donotlistenpassively;listenactively.Listenforwords,toneofvoice,
facialandbodylanguage.Whenapersonswordsandbodylanguagesenddifferentmessages,believe
thebodylanguage.Rememberthatjustashernonverbalsconveyfeelingmessages,sodoyours.As
youarelistening,sendnonverbalmessageswithyourbody:Maintaingoodeyecontact,give
appropriatefacialexpression,nodyourhead,smileorgesturewithyourhandsoccasionallyas
appropriate,stayclosephysically,withyourbodypositionleaningslightlytowardthespeaker,and
touchoccasionally.

Listenverbally.Whenwelistenactively,wealsogivesomeverbalresponsetoindicatetothe
otherpersonthathismessagehasbeenheardandcorrectlyunderstood.Someresponsesaresimple
dooropeners,theyencouragetheindividualtocontinuespeaking.Suchresponsesletthemknowyou
arestillwiththem,stillactivelylistening:
Mmmmm,Isee,Yes,Oh?Really?Thenwhathappened?Wow!Tellmeaboutit.

Allowapersontoexpresshimselfascompletelyashewisheswithoutinterrupting,exceptto
summarizeasoftenasisnecessaryforyoutoaccuratelyreflecthismessage.Atanappropriatejuncture
youcansay,LetmeseeifIveheardwhatyousaid.Thenendeavortobrieflysummarizeboththe
contentandfeeling.YoucanintroduceyoursummarywithIhearyousaying...,Youseemtobe
saying...orItsoundslikeyoufeel....Thenrephrasethepersonscommentsinyourownwords,
incorporatingthefeelingwordsheorshehasusedorsynonymsforthem.Iftheindividualhasnotused
feelingwords,thenendeavortoidentifytheirfeelingsandexpresstheminwordsinyoursummary.It
soundslikeyoureconfusedaboutwhethertotryoutfortheteam.Youfeelgoodaboutyourtest
results,butyouwereanxiousduringtheexam.So,yourbossaskedSallytotakeovertheopen
positioninsteadofyou?Thatmustvereallyhurt!Aftereachsummary,youcansaysomethinglike,Is
thereanythingmore?orIminterestedinhearingmoretoencouragefurthersharing.

Listeningactivelyconveysempathy,acceptance,andfreedomwithsupport.Althoughothers
maysometimescommunicateanger,frustration,disappointment,embarrassment,painandother
negativeemotions,theyneedtoknowthattheyareacceptedevenfeelingthewaytheydo.

Listeningsummary.Apersonwhoreallylistens:

Listensforbothfeelingsandcontent.

Acceptstheonesendingthemessage,eventhoughhiswordsand/orfeelingsmaynotbe
pleasant.

Checksbackwiththespeakertodeterminewhetherthemessagehasbeenreceivedcorrectly.

Repeatstheprocessifthemessagewasincorrectlyreceived.

Listeningformula:Listen...accept...checkback.

14
Handout4

LEVELSOFCOMMUNICATION

LevelOne:ClichConversation...Thistypeoftalkisverysafe.Weusephrasessuchas"howareyou?"
"How'sthedog?""Wherehaveyoubeen?""Ilikeyourdress."Inthistypeofconversationthereisno
personalsharing.Eachpersonremainssafelybehindhisdefenses.

LevelTwo:ReportingtheFactsaboutOthers...Inthiskindofconversationwearecontenttotell
otherswhatsomeoneelsehassaid,butweoffernopersonalinformationonthesefacts.Wereportthe
factslikethesixo'clocknews.Wesharegossipandlittlenarrationsbutwedonotcommitourselvesas
tohowwefeelaboutit.

LevelThree:MyIdeasandJudgments...Realcommunicationbeginstounfoldhere.Thepersonis
willingtostepoutofhissolitaryconfinementandrisktellingsomeofhisideasanddecisions.Heisstill
cautious.Ifhesensesthatwhatheissayingisnotbeingaccepted,hewillretreat.

LevelFour:MyFeelingsorEmotions...Atthislevelthepersonshareshowhefeelsaboutfacts,ideas,
andjudgments.Hisfeelingsunderneaththeseareasarerevealed.Forapersontoreallysharehimself
withanotherindividualhemustmovetothelevelofsharinghisfeelings.

LevelFive:CompleteEmotionalandPersonalCommunication...Alldeeprelationshipsmustbebased
onabsoluteopennessandhonesty.Thismaybedifficulttoachievebecauseitinvolvesrisktheriskof
beingrejected.Butitisvitalifrelationshipsaretogrow.Therewillbetimeswhenthistypeof
communicationisnotascompleteasitcouldbe.

AdaptedfromPowell,J.(1969).WhyamIafraidtotellyouwhoIam?Niles,IL:Argus
CommunicationsandRoberts,W.,&Wright,H.N.(1978).Beforeyousay"Ido".Irvine,CA:Harvest
HousePublishers.

15
Handout5

MALEFEMALEDIFFERENCESINCOMMUNICATION

Keyconversationaldifferencesbetweenmenandwomen,whichseemtobederivedfromthedifferent
subculturesofboysandgirls,canbesummarizedasfollows:

Womenseemtoregardquestionsasawaytomaintainaconversation,whilemenviewthemas
requestsforinformation.

Womentendtoconnect"bridges"betweenwhattheirconversationalpartnerhasjustsaidandwhat
itisthattheyhavetosay.

Mendonotgenerallyfollowthisruleandoftenappeartoignoretheprecedingcommentbytheir
partner.

Womenseemtointerpretaggressivenessbytheirpartnerasanattackthatdisruptstherelationship.
Menseemtoviewaggressivenesssimplyasaformofconversation.

Womenaremorelikelytosharefeelingsandsecrets.Menliketodiscusslessintimatetopics,such
assportsandpolitics.

Womentendtodiscussproblemswithoneanother,sharetheirexperiences,andofferreassurances.
Men,ontheotherhand,tendtohearwomen(aswellasothermen)whodiscussproblemswith
themasmakingexplicitrequestsforsolutions,ratherthanassimplylookingforasympatheticear.

Beck,A.T.(1988).Loveisneverenough.NewYork:HarperPerennial.

16
Handout6

1.

BIBLEHINTSONCOMMUNICATION

Thesurewaytohaveappropriatewordsistohaveapreparedheart.Matthew12:34
35;James3:1718;Proverbs25:11.

2.

Thesecretofcommunicatingisnottalkingbutlistening.James1:19;Proverbs18:13.

3.

Accentuatethepositive.Romans12:21;1Thessalonians5:1618.

4.

Admitwhenyou'rewrong.Forgiveandforget.James5:16;Colossians3:13.

5.

Avoidargumentsovertrifles.Don'tcriticizeeachother,restoreoneanother.2
Timothy2:14;Galatians6:1.

6.

Nagginggratesonthenerveslikeadrippingfaucet.Proverbs27:15.

7.

Acceptthefeelingsofothersandbetenderandcourteoustooneanother.Ephesians
4:2,32.

17
Handout7

STEPSINCREATIVEPROBLEMSOLVING

1.
Dealwithissues,grievancesandpotentialconflictsituationsastheyoccur.Workonthecurrent
situationwithoutbringingupthepast.

2.
Listenandshare.Usecommunicationskills.Attacktheproblemortheconflict,notthepartner.
"Noneofyoushouldthinkonlyofhisownaffairs,buteachshouldlearntoseethingsfromother
people'spointofview"(Philippians2:4,Phillips).

3.
Thinkoftheproblemintermsofeachone'sneeds.Lookbeneaththesurfaceforfactorsineach
person'slifewhicharedrivinghimorhertotakethepositionbeingtaken.Aretherehealth,
safety,orsecurityneeds?Needsforlove,belonging,acceptance,orselfworth?

4.
Trytoaccommodate.Whenyourpartnerexpressesaneed,askyourselfthequestion,"Isthere
anywayIcanaccommodatehim/hertoshowmyrespectandmylove?"

5.
Consideralternativesolutions.Whenneedsconflictoraccommodationcannotbemade,mutual
respectmandatesthatasolutionbefoundthatmeetstheneedsofboth.Exploreallpossible
alternatives,lookingateverypossibilitythatmightsolvetheproblem.Donotjudgeorevaluate
alternativesatthispoint.Itwillbehelpfultoactuallywritedownthesealternatives,eventhose
thatmayappearfarfetched.

6.
Evaluateyourpossibilities,selectingthe"best"solution.Discardanythatareunacceptableto
eitherofyou.(Generally,iftheyareunacceptable,oneortheother'sinnerneedsarenotbeing
satisfied.)Generatemorealternativesifnecessary.Makesurebothfeelthattheirneedshave
beenmet.Theimportantthingisnotwhichalternativeyouchoose,butthatbothfeelgood
aboutwhathasbeenworkedout.

7.
Plantoreassessthesolution.Iftheprobleminvolvesmorethanaonetimesituation,plana
futuretimethatisacceptabletoyoubothwhentheeffectivenessofthesolutioncanbe
evaluated.

8.
Attendtotheneedsforhealingintherelationship.Conflictcreatesstress.Sharingdeep
feelingsisoftendifficultandemotionallyexhausting.Praytogether.Taketimeforsome
positive,relationshipbuildingexperiencetogether.

18

Handout 8
PAIR BONDING
naked, unashamed.
12. One flesh union: Genital to Genital
11. Arousal: Hand to Genital
one flesh . . .

10. Nurturance: Mouth to Breast

For this reason

9. Unconditional acceptance: Hand to Body

a man shall . . .

8. Trust: Hand to Head

7. Self disclosure: Face to Face
6. Shared vision: Arm to Waist
5. Belonging: Arm to Shoulder

cleave . . .

4. Connectedness: Hand to Hand

3. Communication: Voice to Voice

2. Awakened interest: Eye to Eye

leave . . .

1. Discovery: Eye to Body

What God
joins together
let no one
put asunder.

Sequence for establishing a life-long, exclusive, one-flesh bond.

Adapted from Joy, D. (1996). Bonding: Relationships in the image of God, 2nd ed. Nappanee, IN: Evangel Publishing House; Morris, D. (1971).
Intimate behavior. New York, NY: Random House.

19
WorksheetA

AMIREADYFORMARRIAGE?

Ifyouarecontemplatingmarriage,thinkcarefullyaboutthefollowingquestions.Canyouanswereach

oneYes?WhichanswersareNo?Ofwhichareyouuncertain?Inthespaceprovidedplacea"Y"ifyouranswer
isYes,"N"ifyouranswerisNo,and"?"ifyouareuncertain.DiscussyouranswerswithGodinprayer.Alsoseek
confirmationofyourmarriageplansfromyourparents,yourpastor,arelative,oranotherwhomyoutrustasa
spiritualguide.

Evaluatingyourpersonalpreparation.IsmyrelationshipwithJesusChristpersonallysatisfying?
DoIhaveapositiveoutlookonlife?CanIcarryresponsibility?HaveIchosenmylifecareer?AmIa
sourceofencouragementforothers?DoIrelatetomyparentsinanadultway?DoIrecoverquicklywhen
Iamemotionallyhurtorangry?AmIreadytomakeacommitmenttooneperson?DoothersfeelIam
readyformarriage?

Selectingapotentiallifepartner.IsthispersoncommittedtoJesusChrist?Ishe/shepersonally
preparedformarriage?DoIhaveastrongconvictionthatthispersonvaluesmuchthesamethingsinlifeasI
do?DoIlovethispersondeeplyevenwithhis/herflaws?CanIbeflexibleandaccommodatingoftheways
inwhichthispersonisandwillbedifferentfromme?
Wouldamarriagebetweenushelpbothofusspiritually?Canthismarriagebeblessedinourchurch?Do
othersfeelIknowthispersonwellenough?

Preparingasacouple.Haveweprayedoftentogether?Havewesharedourthoughtsandfeelings
aboutGod,church,Christianservice,careers,money,sexuality,inlaws,children?Doweknowandaccept
eachother'sfamily?Haveweplannedhowtoreachourgoalsinlifeandhowtoadjustshouldwefailtoreach
them?Havewediscussedourmarriagepattern whathis/herresponsibilitieswillbe?Canwetrusteach
otherwithourdeepestfears?Havewehonestlycomparedourexpectationsofeachotherincludingthe
thingswe'dliketochangeinoneanother?Doesourlovebondallowfortheindividualityofeachother?Do
weknowbyexperiencethatwecansolveproblemsandhandleconflictswelltogether?Willwehavethe
supportofrelativesandfriendsinourmarriage?Havewesoughtthewisdomofourparents,apastor,a
counselororsomeoneelsewhoknowsuswelltohelpusmakeourfinaldecisiontomarry?

20
WorksheetB

CELEBRATINGOURDIFFERENCES

1.

Somewaysmyfianc(e)andIarealikeare:

2.

Somewaysmyfiance(e)andIaredifferentare:

3.

Wetendtodealwithourdifferencesby:

4.

SomeareasinwhichIwouldliketoseechangesinmyfiance(e)are:

5.

Waysinwhichourdifferencescouldbeconsideredaspositivefactorsinourmarriageare:

6.

WaysinwhichthepresenceofJesusChristinourliveswillhelpusadjusttodifferencesinourfuture
marriageare:

21
WorksheetC

COMMUNICATIONCHECKLIST

Answerthefollowingquestionsforyourselfandasyouseeyourpartner.Usethefollowingfourpointscale:1=
Usually;2=Sometimes;3=Seldom;and4=Never.

Yourself

YourPartner

____

1.Doyou/yourpartnerhaveatendencytosaythingswhichwouldbebetter

____

leftunsaid?

____

2.Isithardtounderstandyour/yourpartner'sfeelingsandattitudes?

____

3.Doyou/yourpartnerwithdrawfromtalkingaboutareaswhichmakeeither

____

____

orbothofyouuncomfortableorwhichareasourceofconflictbetweenyou?
____

4.Doyou/yourpartnerpretendtolistenwhenactuallyyouarenotlistening?

____

5.Doyou/yourpartnerputtheotherdown?

____

6.Doyou/yourpartnersayonethingwhenyoureallymeananother?

____

7.Doyou/yourpartnerfindmuchofinteresttotalktotogetherabout?

____

____

____

____

____

8.Areyour/yourpartner'sverbalandnonverbalmessagesinagreementwhen ____
youcommunicate?

____

9.Canyou/yourpartnerdiscloseyourinnermostthoughtsandfeelingstothe

____

otherwithoutfear?

____

10.Doyou/yourpartnerfrequentlyaffirmtheotherverbally?

____

AdaptedfromTrathen,D.W.,Editor.(1992).AChristianpremaritalmanual.Littleton,CO:Southwest
CounselingAssociates.

22
WorksheetD

COMMUNICATIONANDUS

1.

AreasinourrelationshipwhereIfeelcommunicationisverygood.

2.

Areasinourrelationshipwherecommunicationisreasonablygood,butwherethere'sroomfor
improvement.

3.

Someareasweavoidcommunicatingaboutare:

4.

ThingsIcandotoopencommunicationintheseareasandimprovecommunicationinourmarriage.

23
WorksheetE

SOMETIMESWEDON'TAGREE

Topresumethatyouwillnotargueafteryouaremarriedisidealistic;itsimplyisnottrue.Youwill
argue.Manypsychologistswouldsaythatagoodargumentisoftenhealthybecauseitpromotesdialogue
(coupletalkwithoneanother)andgoodcommunication.

Togetintouchwithyourfeelingsandthemannerinwhichyouargue,answerthefollowingquestions
andshareyourresponseswithyourpartner.

1.WhenIgetangry,Itendto...

2.Whenyourareangry,youtendto...

3.Ourlastargumentwaswhen...

4.Thatargumentwascausedby...

5.Wesolvedourproblemby...

Lookoverthebehaviorslistedbelowthatareoftenusedtoexpressorrespondtoangerornegative
feelings.Ineachcase,decidewhetheritcharacterizesyou,yourpartner,bothofyou,orneitherofyou.Placea
checkmarkintheappropriatecolumn.

Me

You

Both
Neither

Silence

Blaming

Yelling

Pouting

Sarcasm

Avoidance

Appeasement

Crying

Threatening

Physicalviolence

AdaptedfromTrathen,D.W.(Ed.)(1992).Fightingfair:AChristianpremaritalmanual.Littleton,CO:
SouthwestCounselingAssociates.

24
WorksheetF

DAVIDANDMICHAL

Readtogether2Samuel6:1223.Discussthefollowingwithyourfianc(e):

1.HowwasDavidfeelingabouthimselfashecamehome?

2.HowwasMichalfeelingwhenDavidcamehome?

3.ImitatewhatyouthinkherbodylanguageandtoneofvoicewaslikeasshespoketoDavid.

4.Describethefeelingsineachofthemastheyexchangedtheirheatedwords.

5.ThinkofmoderndaytermsorexpressionsthatDavidandMichalwouldhaveused.

6.Howdoyouthinktheirwordsmadeeachotherfeelinsidethemselves.

7.WhydoyouthinkMichalneverhadanychildren?

8.HowcouldMichalandDavidhavehandledthesituationinalessdestructivemanner?

25
WorksheetG

CONFLICTSITUATIONS

Usethefollowingsituationstobuildyourproblemsolvingskills.Employthestepsinproblemsolvingin
eachcase.

CaseStudy#1

Sue,wholikestowearthelatestfashions,returnsfromashoppingtripwithseveralunexpectedoutfits.Doug,
rearedinahomewhereeverypennywaspinched,knowsthattheyhavealreadyoverspenttheirlimitandtells
hershecannotkeepthem.

CaseStudy#2

Lloyd'smotherdideverythingforhim fromstraighteninghistietopickinguphisunderwearandpajamas.
Janet,afteronlyamonthofmarriagehasgrownwearyofconstantlyremindinghimtocleanupafterhimself.
Lloydentersthebedroominmidafternoonandwantstoknowwhyit'sstillamess.

CaseStudy#3

Barry'sparents,wholiveinthesametownasBarryandDonna,havetelephonedtosaythey'redroppingbyfora
shortvisit.Donna,remindingBarrythatthey'vevisitedinthismannerforthreeweeksinarowandhavestayed
thewholeevening,complainsofinvasionofprivacy.Barryrefusestodoanythingaboutit.

26
WorksheetH

ROLESEXPLORATION

Inyourmarriage,whowilldothefollowingthings?

ChecktheappropriatespaceunderHusband,Wife,BothorOther.Endeavortoberealistic.Toomany"Boths"willbe
suspect!

HUSBAND
WIFE
BOTH
OTHER

___
1.Earnincome

___
2.Planthefamilybudget

3.Supervisehusband'sspending

___

___
4.Supervisethewife'sspending

5.Supervisechild(ren)'sspending

___

___
6.Paythebills

___
7.Makemajorpurchasingdecisions

8.Makedecisionsrehisvocation

___

___
9.Makedecisionsrehervocation

___
10.Makedecisionsrehiseducation

11.Madedecisionsrehereducation

___

___
12.Decidecommunityforhome

13.Choosetheactualdwelling

___

___
14.Choosedecorandfurnishings

___
15.Planthemenu

16.Dothegroceryshopping

___

___
17.Putawaygroceries

___
18.Decidewhentoeatout

19.Dothebaking

___

___
20.Preparethemeals

21.Setthetable

___

___
22.Washthedishes

___
23.Vacuumorsweep

24.Takeoutthetrash

___

___
25.Cleantherefrigerator

___
26.Cleantheoven

27.Cleanthebathroom(s)

___

___
28.Washthewindows

29.Changethebeds

___

___
30.Makethebeds

___

31.Choosehiswardrobe

32.Choosethewife'swardrobe

___

___
33.Choosechild(ren)'swardrobe

___

34.Washtheclothes

35.Irontheclothes

___

___
36.Putawaythecleanclothes

37.Careforminorhouseholdrepairs

___

___
38.Arrangeformajorrepairs

___
39.Cutthegrass

40.Trimshrubbery

___

___
41.Plantflowersand/orvegetables

___
42.Keepwalkwayclean

43.Weedflowersand/orvegetables

___

27
44.Rakeleaves
45.Decidethekindofvehicletobuy
46.Selecttheactualvehicle
47.Careforthevehicle'sexterior
48.Careforthevehicle'sinterior
49.Careforautoservicing
50.Decidethekind(s)ofpet(s)
51.Feedthepet(s)
52.Keepthepets(s)clean
53.Decidethekindofentertainment
54.DecidewhichTVprogramtosee
55.Decideonrecreation
56.Choosefriends
57.Keepsocialcalendar
58.Decidethechurchyouattend
59.Decidehowoftenyouattend
60.Leadinfamilyworship
61.Decidechurch&charitygifts
62.Planholidayactivities
63.Planthevacation
64.Decidevacationexpenses
65.Decidegiftexpenses
66.Decidewhentovisitinlaws
67.Decidewhentoinviteinlaws
68.Initiatesexualintimacy
69.Decideaboutcontraceptives
70.Decideifyouwillhavechildren
71.Decidethenumberofchildren
72.Namethechild(ren)
73.Changediapers
74.Washdiapers
75.Feedthechild(ren)
76.Bathethechild(ren)
77.Playwiththechild(ren)
78.Putchild(ren)tobed
79.Careforchild(ren)'stoys
80.Getupatnightwithchild(ren)
81.Nursechild(ren)whensick
82.Disciplinechild(ren)
83.Helpchild(ren)withhomework
84.Transportchild(ren)toschool
85.Transportchild(ren)fromschool
86.Transportthemtoactivities
87.Instructchild(ren)spiritually
88.Teachchild(ren)aboutsex
89.Selectbabysitter
90.Makedecisiontoadoptchild(ren)
91.Decidewhichchild(ren)toadopt

___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___
___

28
WorksheetI

Tithe

Offerings

CharitableContributions

Rent/MortgagePayment

Utilities

Electricity

Gas

TrashPickup

Water

Telephone

Food
Loans

CarPayment

SchoolLoan

InstallmentPurchases

Other

Insurance

Medical

Life

Auto

Other

ClothingPurchases
Laundry/DryCleaning
Medical&DentalFund

Savings

ProfessionalDues

&Journals,Etc.

CarExpenses

HOUSEHOLDBUDGET

Monthly

Yearly

_____

_____

_____

_____

_____

________
________
________
________
________

_____
_____

________
________
________
________

_____

_____
_____
_____

_____

_____

_____

________
________
________
________

29
MarriageEnrichment

HouseholdSupplies

PersonalAllowances

Recreation,Entertainment

&Vacations

Miscellaneous

Haircuts

Newspapers/Magazines

GiftsChristmas,

Birthdays,etc.

Other

TotalExpenses
TotalIncome

Balance(+or)

_____

_____

_____

_____

_____

_____
_____

_____

________
________
________
________

30
WorksheetJ

SEXUALITY

1.
Sexualexpressionbetweenmeandmyspousewillbesacredbecause...

2.
Howwouldyoudescribethedifferencesandsimilaritiesbetweensexandlove?

3.
AsIthinkaboutmysexuality,Ifeelgoodabout...

4.
AsIthinkaboutmysexuality,Iworrythat...

5.
Inourmarriage,IbelieveIwillenjoyoursexualexperienceaswe...(Identifysomeappropriatesexual
behaviorswithinyourmaritalrelationship.)

6.
Identifywaysyouasahusbandandwifemayteachyourchildrenaboutsex.