5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confdience DR Aziz Gazipura

5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Condence | 1 |
5 Steps
To
UNLEASH
Your
Inner
Condence
How to free yourself
from the fears that hold you back
Confidence Building Secrets: Youre About To Discover How To
Permanently Break Free From Your Shyness and Self-Doubt!
Yes, I know this is a bold claim. We havent met so how can I know you can
overcome shyness and create lasting confdence? How do I know its possible for you
to dramatically improve your confdence and change your life?
Because Ive seen it.
First in my own life, and then in the lives of hundreds of other people.
I worked with a man named Tim who was so painfully shy he couldnt even make eye
contact with people. He couldnt even ask a stranger on the street what time is was.
Pursuing the career he wanted, meeting and dating attractive women, and creating a
thriving social life... all of these were completely out of the question for him. He didnt
like who he was and his future looked depressing and bleak.
I saw Tim go from being horribly stuck where hed been trapped for seven years to
turning everything around in his life. He started small at frst, taking baby steps and
applying the 5 Steps youll learn below. He began treating himself better, challenging
his negative stories, and doing things that scared him. He let go of the unreasonable
expectations he had for himself and practiced the skill of self-compassion.
In short, he took action to change his life.
As he did this, he realized the most important confdence secret of all social
confdence is a skill. Its something you can develop through practice. When you know
the right steps, building confdence can be an incredibly rapid and enjoyable process.
I watched Tim start doing things he never thought possible. He started smiling at
strangers and getting positive responses. He started initiating conversations with
women, and getting phone numbers and dates. He stopped being his own worst critic
and took action to pursue the career that inspired him.
Now hes pursuing a graduate degree in optometry, has a thriving social life, and an
amazing, beautiful, intelligent girlfriend. And more importantly, he likes who he is
and feels confdent in himself. He believes in himself and moves towards what he
wants in life. He got of the sidelines and into the game.
If Tim can do it, anyone can! And Ive personally witnessed as hundreds of other
people just like Tim have changed their lives for the better. But, most people dont do
what Tim did. Most people stay stuck in a place of shyness, social anxiety, fear, and
self-doubt for many years (sometimes their entire lives). Most people think its not
possible to transform your life.
Why Most People Never Create Lasting Confidence
You downloaded this book and have made it this far... you must want more confdence
in your life. My question for you is where are you struggling with confdence?
Where in your life are you held back by shyness, social
anxiety, self-doubt, or fear?
Youll know it immediately because in this area theres
something you really want, but you feel afraid you wont
be able to get it. Or you may even be telling yourself its
impossible for you to have it, and you dont deserve it
anyway.
Do you lack confdence in the area of dating? Do you
struggle to meet attractive women and be yourself around
them? Do you see women youd love to go talk to, but
instead you freeze or fee? Are you uncomfortable dating,
unsure where to go, what to do, when to try and kiss her?
Perhaps your struggle is in relationships. You can date women, but you cant ever really
let your guard down. You cant just be completely at ease, be comfortable, or be
yourself without some nagging fear if she sees the real you, shell bolt.
Maybe your struggles are in your career. Do
you avoid reaching out and speaking with
coworkers or potential clients? Are you afraid
to speak up in meetings or to approach a
supervisor about an issue? Do you have
difculty speaking in front of a group of
people?
In all of these areas, the pattern is the same.
Teres something you want, something you
need thats important to you, but you don't
go after it because of fear. Your quality of life
is reduced because youre not pursuing what
youre passionate about and your life sufers as
a result. Maybe your relationship sufers.
Maybe your business sufers.
Maybe you sufer. Maybe deep down inside you just don't feel confdent in yourself.
You don't believe in yourself. You don't even fully like yourself. You're struggling to
feel like you're a worthwhile man whos competent, capable, and able to be efective in
the world.
Im all too familiar with these feelings. I spent a decade of my life stuck in them.
In whatever ways its holding you back, a lack of confdence in yourself is a major
problem.
Because confdence is everything!
Tink about it for a second. If youre confdent in yourself, then you take efective
action in your life. You deal with people well, you approach challenges head on. You
gain love, respect, income, power, and infuence. More importantly, you like who you
are and you feel a sense of purpose in your life.
If you dont have confdence in yourself, then you feel self-doubt and social anxiety.
You hold back, procrastinate, make excuses, and delay. You either take no action, or
you predict and expect failure and take poor actions that refect this.
Tis leads to loneliness, poor relationships, mediocrity, and fnancial hardship. Life
feels like a drag and youre plagued by a sense of meaninglessness.
Isnt this true?
Maximizing your confdence is not just about getting the girl or making more money
its about pursuing and creating a life that flls you with passion, joy, and purpose!
And heres why
It comes down to just two things. Here are the only two things that can stop you from
creating the confdence you want in your life...
1) You Dont Believe Its Possible
Te biggest obstacle on the road to confdence is the one at the very beginning. Most
people will never even start down the path because they believe its not possible
anyway, so why try?
Te reason you might think its not possible is because of all the Confdence Myths
in our culture (which Ill share and de-bunk in a moment). You might believe some
people just have it and others dont. You may think theres something fundamentally
wrong with you, or youre too ugly, or too overweight to be confdent.
Perhaps youve tried something in the past (a self-help book, an Internet search, or
some counseling), and it didnt work, so now youve concluded: Its just not possible
for me. As Henry Ford said...
Even though its absolutely essential for a happy life, most people will
never create lasting confidence in themselves.
Whether you think you can, or you think you cant, youre right.
Fortunately for you (and me), none of this is true. Its completely possible to transform
your level of confdence. After over a decade of personal and professional research (see
my story below), Im absolutely convinced confdence is a skill anyone can learn. And
Ill teach you how in this E-Book.
But theres one other obstacle that will stop you on your path to confdence. In fact,
Im sure its already tripped you up when youve tried to build your confdence in the
past.
2) You Dont Take Consistent, Effective Action
Even if you believe its possible, if you dont know what steps to take, then building
confdence is incredibly difcult. Tis isnt made
any easier by the abundance of bad advice out
there telling you how to improve in this area.
Most of the stuf out there teaches you clichs and
common sense stuf, like imagine everyone in
their underwear before you give a talk, or just be
yourself. Or, even worse, they teach you stuf that
seems like itll help in the short term but it
actually hurts your confdence in the long run.
Most of the pickup artist stuf falls into this
category. Teyll teach you things like, be sure to
criticize or mock her in some way so she feels
insecure and wants to get your approval, or if
she wont make out with you, become cold and
distant. Eventually, shell come around.
Ugh.
If you believe its not possible, then you wont even try and youll never
achieve the level of confidence you want in your life.
All that pickup artist stuf just gives you another rulebook to live by. It teaches you
that you have to be this suave player in order to meet women, get dates, and fnd
love.
It teaches you the exact opposite things you need to create a deep, lasting sense of
confdence in yourself and the advice is absolutely terrible if you actually want to
create a passionate, sustainable relationship with a girlfriend.
In order to eliminate shyness and social anxiety and create rock solid confdence, you
must take consistent action. You must learn efective skills that have been proven to
work, and then actively apply those skills daily.
Tis is the key to transformation.
Ill teach you the proven steps below, but just reading them wont change your life. In
order to create the confdence you want, you must commit to applying what you
learn.
I know what its like to be held back by shyness, social anxiety, and self-doubt. I spent
about 10 years of my life living this way.
I didnt have many friends, I was nervous to
interact with strangers, I hated meeting
people, and I avoided most parties and
gatherings. I didnt like myself, hated my
appearance, and was constantly berating
myself in my own head.
Tat sounded stupid, why did you say that?
Tese people think youre an idiot. You look so
awkward. Tose circles around your eyes are
disgusting. No woman could ever want you
Tese were just a few of the motivating things I said to myself on a daily basis.
Of course, meeting women, going on dates, and getting a girlfriend were completely
of the map. I was convinced that no woman could possibly fnd me attractive. Sure
enough, I never went on dates or had a girlfriend.
On top of all that, I didnt believe I was good enough to pursue the career I was most
passionate about. I loved creating elaborate models, settings, and animations in a 3D
art design program called 3D Studio Max. I dreamed of one day being a 3D artist for
a video game company.
In response to that dream, I would tell myself: You arent talented enough. Who do you
think you are? Other people are so much better than you are whats the point?
And public speaking? Ha, yeah right! I couldnt even look a stranger in the eye, how
was I going to get up in front of a group of thirty people and speak confdently? No, I
avoided public speaking like the plague.
So there I was -- feeling shy, lonely, hopeless, and miserable. Worst of all, I didnt think
there was anything I could do about it.
STUCK IN SHYNESS - MY STORY
Yep, that!s me, pre-condence.
I kept telling myself in my head things would somehow just get better. Maybe thats
how I kept some hope alive. When I was in middle school, I imagined high school
would be better. More friends, more women, more parties. Yeah, thats it. High
schools the ticket!
When high school was absolutely no diferent, I started telling myself college was
when the magic was going to happen. Co-eds and parties everywhere! Certainly then
Id start having the life I want.
Was college any diferent?
No. Same old fears, shyness, and inhibitions. Same old Aziz.
I kept using the someday will magically be better strategy for another few years,
until one day something inside of me just snapped.
I wish I could say it was a glorious moment where I realized the truth and
immediately felt free. Actually it came from one of the most painful nights of my
life
I thought some people were just confident, charismatic, and
good looking, and others werent. In short, I was a loser
and this was just my lot in life.
As soon as I saw the look on her face, I new she was done with me.
Id been pining over Cindy for months. She had long black hair, big brown eyes, and a
bright smile shed fash after making a witty joke. She was from L.A., incredibly
stylish, and could speak multiple
languages. She was amazing, and I
was in love.
After several months of working
together, I fnally worked up the
courage to ask her out to lunch one
day. To my surprise and delight she
said yes! Tis was the third woman
Id ever asked out. I was 21-years-
old.
I thought the lunch was fantastic. I
asked her questions, shared about
myself, and made jokes. I was
friendly, warm, and enthusiastic.
Afterwards, I couldnt wait to see her
again.
Te next time we met up at work, I
was planning on asking her out
again. But something had shifted.
She interacted with me less and was
more distant. After our shift, I waited for her outside of the building. When she came
out, I told her I really loved hanging out and wanted to go on a date with her.
Tere was a longer-than-what-youd-hope-for-in-this-kind-of-situation pause, and
then a certain look. If youve ever been a shy guy who was failing with a girl, then you
know the look. Its the youre a nice guy so I dont want to hurt your feelings, but Im
not that into you look.
THE TIPPING POINT
After the long pause she replied, Yeah, that sounds great. We should hang out
sometime.
After this, she took longer and longer to return my calls and began ignoring me more
at work. Ouch. About a week later, I fnally got it. She doesnt want to go out with me.
Shes not interested.
It felt terrible. I still remember the moment when I really got it. I saw her chatting
with another guy at work. She was laughing and having a great time. I had to get out
of there
When I got home that evening, the lights in the living room were of. My roommate
was in his room with the door closed. I made myself a bowl of pasta and went into my
room to distract myself from my woes with some video games.
So there I was -- 21-years-old, alone at night, unable to get a date, and playing video
games in my room. Feeling pretty low. Tings cant get much worse than this I thought.
And then I heard the light murmur of female laughter. Such a sweet sound. It was my
roommate Chris girlfriend. She must be in his room with him.
Ten I could hear the mufed sound of his voice, occasionally punctuated by the
laughter of the woman who loved him.
Ill never have that, I thought to myself.
I guess things could get worse.
Wait. Wait!
Tis isnt right. I cant take this. I cant live like this anymore. Nothings going to change on
its own. Nothing is going to be diferent. If nothing has changed by now, then nothing ever
will. I have to do something about this now!
I closed the Warcraft startup screen, and opened up Google
I shook my head, trying to clear away that wretched feeling the best years
of my life were passing me by & there was nothing I could do about it.
Where did I go when I wanted to learn how to break free from my shyness and start
living my life?
Te same place that anyone goes to fnd answersthe Internet!
Tere I ordered my frst self-help program How To Get Women (or something to that
efect), by Pickup Artist Guy #1.
I tore through that material like a ravenous man eating his frst meal after a month. It
suggested things I was really uncomfortable doing like talking to women I didnt
know. Imagine that!
I ordered more programs and began studying shyness and social anxiety more and
more. I ordered self-help books on Amazon.com and read those as well.
As I started to learn things and apply them, I realized the biggest confdence secret of
my life: Social confdence is a skill. Im learning it now. Anyone can learn this!
I began sharing what I was learning with my few friends (who also happened to be
shy, single, lonely guys). Tey started asking me for advice on how to meet women,
and how to be more confdent in other areas.
I became obsessed with learning this skill.
Over the next ten years of my life, I read over one hundred self-help books, listened to
hundreds of hours of audio programs, and went to dozens of seminars. I sought out
therapy, coaching, and a mens group. I sought out training with some of the worlds
leading teachers and transformation specialists, including Tony Robbins and David
Burns.
BREAKING FREE - THE PATH OUT OF SHYNESS
I was so desperate and in so much pain, I was willing to try
anything. And that urgency became my biggest asset.
I took it one step further and actually went to a doctorate program in clinical
psychology to learn how people can make changes on the deepest level.
Most importantly, I was constantly applying everything I learned about confdence.
Anything that helped me, I shared with friends and clients.
As I did this, my life completely transformed. I was able to approach beautiful women,
start conversations, and get dates. I was able to meet new people, chat with strangers,
and make new friends. I went on crazy, fun, exciting adventures Ill remember and
cherish for the rest of my life. I was able to speak to people in positions of authority
and give confdent presentations and talks to groups of any size.
I felt like Neo in the Matrix!
I began to see patterns of what helped someone break out of shyness and what kept
them stuck. I could see what people needed to do in order to get free, and do so
quickly.
And thats what Ive included in this book.
But, before you can learn the steps, we have to take a moment to debunk the biggest
myths about confdence.
Tese are false beliefs that kept me (and many others) stuck in shyness for years.
Once you can see through these, then putting the fve steps into practice will be much
easier.
Below are the 5 most essential steps you must take in order to break free
from shyness & maximize your confidence. If you study these steps, &
commit to applying them daily, your life will transform.
Confdence myths are the stories weve been told about confdence that just arent true.
Many people believe them -- maybe even most people. But they still arent true. And
as long as you believe them, itll make it very difcult to break out of your shell. Lets
explore (and debunk) these top confdence myths, shall we?
Confdence Myth 1 Hes A Natural (a.k.a. You Either Have It Or You Dont)
Tis myth says some people are just
born with confdence. Teyre
comfortable in themselves, have
high self-esteem, and people
naturally like them. Teyre good
looking, popular in school, and go
on to have successful careers.
Teyre blessed with confdence.
Others are just born shy and
socially inept. Teyre awkward,
weird, and unattractive. Teyre
destined to live a life of solitude,
mediocrity, and loneliness. Teyre
permanently doomed to a
pathetically low number of
Facebook likes on all their posts.
Tis myth says confdence is an
innate trait (like eye color) and you
cant do much to change things. It
says theres a fundamental
diference between the confdent,
popular people and you. It says no matter what you do, you cant change your lot in
life and youre never going to be the kind of guy who women want to talk to.
Tis myth is complete and total bullshit.
THE FOUR BIGGEST CONFIDENCE MYTHS
No one is born with confdence. Confdence is a learned response. Its a pattern of
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, all of which you learn as youre growing up.
Some people happen to learn it earlier than others (if theyre lucky). Tey might learn
it from their parents or at school when theyre young. By the time they get to high
school, theyve learned how to think, feel, and act confdently.
You, on the other hand, might not have picked it up yet. And thats okay. You can
learn it now. In fact, Ill teach you how in the next section.
Teyre just like you. Teyre not a diferent species.
In order to do learn this skill, you must get rid of the idea confident people
are somehow different or fundamentally better than you.
Yeah...not so much.
Confdence Myth 2 Fake It Till You Make It
Tis myth states if you arent feeling confdent, you should just act confdent and
eventually youll become confdent. On rare occasions, this can sometimes work, but
its only temporary at best.
Te problem with this is, how can you fake confdence when youre really nervous?
How do you fake confdence when you dont have anything to say in a conversation?
How do you fake confdence when youre about to give a talk and your face is as red as
a tomato and your throat feels like Darth Vader is squeezing it with his death grip?
I found this well-intentioned advice always left me feeling worse. It implied I should
somehow be able to just force my way out of shyness and into confdence. When I was
unable to do this, I blamed myself for falling short and felt even worse.
Te reality is shyness involves a complex pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
You must learn how to address each of these inside of yourself systematically, so you
can transform from the inside out. Because confdence, as youll see in the next myth,
is an inside job.
Te steps below will teach you how to identify and disarm each aspect of social
anxiety. Ten, when you take a risk and try something outside of your comfort zone,
youre doing much more than faking it. Instead, youre fundamentally changing the
way you see the world, and behaving diferently as a result.
Confdence Myth 3 If Only I Had Better/More
Teres an old Simpsons episode where Homer happens upon an upturned sugar truck
on the side of the road. Teres sugar all over the pavement and Homer pulls over to
fll his car to the brim with the white gold, as he calls it.
After many failed attempts to sell the free sugar for proft, hes reduced to guarding his
newfound treasure in the back yard. After staying up all night to protect his pile of
sugar from sugar thieves, hes utterly exhausted. When Marge comes to greet him the
next morning, hes sitting in a half-asleep stupor saying: In America, frst you get the
sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
Tis describes the third confdence myth quite well. Tis myth states if I earned more
money, had a better job, owned a better car, or wore nicer clothes, then Id feel more
confdent. It also states if I were better looking, thinner, taller, more muscular, or
otherwise more physically attractive, then Id feel more confdent.
Tis is a tough one to break free from. It feels so true, doesnt it? Jim Carey highlights
this myth in this hilarious clip about how he acts diferently now that he has more
money:
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the
money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, you get the
women. - Tony Montana
But this is just another confdence myth.
Ive met absolutely gorgeous women who are impeccably dressed and have perfect hair
and teeth. Men who see them cant help themselves from staring in awe at their beauty.
But on the inside, these women feel painfully insecure and self-critical. Tey dont like
their thighs, their lips, their toes. Tey dont feel competent in their careers or as
partners, friends, or mothers. In short, they dont feel confdent at all.
Ive worked with men who are incredibly wealthy worth hundreds of millions of
dollars. Tey can go anywhere, buy anything, and do anything. And they imagine
people dont like them because they arent funny enough, or relaxed enough, or witty
enough.
I hope this is resonating with you. If not, you just have to trust me on this.
Confdence is an inside job. It wont spontaneously emerge when you obtain
perfection or reach some income level.
Confidence comes from what you do inside of
your own mind, and nothing else.
Confdence Myth 4 Teres Something Wrong With Me
Tis is the most insidious and terrible of all the myths. Tis is the myth that exists
inside of your own mind and tells you deep down theres something wrong with you.
It tells you youre somehow defective, weird, or otherwise unlovable. It says if people
got close to you, and really got to know all of you, theyd be repulsed.
Tis myth is like Worm Tongue from Lord Of Te Rings. Its constantly there by your
side, whispering its toxic message into your mind.
De-bunking this myth is essential if you ever want to create a life of confdence.
When your mind tells you others wont like you because theres something wrong with
you, its just being lazy. Te challenges youre having arent due to some mysterious
deep faw or defect. Teyre actually due to very specifc, small things you can address
and change.
Perhaps women dont respond well because youre being overly approval-seeking.
Perhaps you dont have the friendships you want because you arent taking the
initiative to approach people youre interested in.
Perhaps you dont have the position you want in your company because you avoided
all opportunities that involved standing out.
Teres nothing wrong with you.
Any time you hear your mind saying that, catch it. Banish that slimy bastard Worm
Tongue, and bring your attention back to very specifc, simple things to which you
can address and make changes. Tats where your confdence lies!
And now, Te 5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confdence...
The truth is theres nothing fundamentally wrong with you. Youre a human
being with strengths & weaknesses, just like the rest of us.
Te most important and essential ingredient in unleashing your inner confdence is to
become an outstanding coach to yourself.
Troughout the day, youre coaching yourself in your own mind. Tis includes how
you speak to yourself, how you treat yourself, and how you guide yourself through
difcult times.
You must master this skill if youd like to become more confdent in yourself.
To get a sense of how you coach yourself, think about something that's challenging to
you.
Maybe its speaking in front of a group of people you don't know. Perhaps its
approaching an attractive woman youre interested in and introducing yourself.
Pick a situation thats a challenge to you, and imagine being in that situation now. See
the group of people, or that beautiful woman, and notice what you typically say to
yourself.
Before you give a talk or presentation you might be thinking: Oh my god, I'm so
nervous I can't do this. I'm going to mess this up. I better not mess this up. I'm going to get
up there and I'm going to forget my lines. It's going to be so awkward and terrible. Teyre
going to wonder why they even hired me. I cant do this. I dont want to be here.
STEP 1 - BE A GOOD COACH
A players best friend is a coach who believes in him.
- Robert Griffin III
Coaching yourself in a positive, supportive, & encouraging way is more
important than any external achievement, success, or outside praise.
Or maybe you're going to go talk to an attractive woman and you think: I dont have
anything good to say. Shes going to be creeped out and think Im a total loser. Besides she
doesnt want to talk to me anyways. Shell be annoyed and uncomfortable if I try to start a
conversation.
Does this kind of coaching sound familiar?
Is this efective coaching? Does it make you want to do the thing youre scared to do?
Does it help you fnd creative solutions?
The Toxic Coach
Unfortunately, for many of us, our default coach
doesnt ofer support, encouragement, praise, and
inspiration. Its full of fear, doubt, and self-attack.
Is this the kind of coach youd want to have for
your favorite team? Imagine the coach of your
team saying this to his players during half time:
Tose guys are so much better than you are. I dont see
how you could possibly win. Youre so terrible and you
miss everything. You guys are just not good enough.
Now get out there and dont mess up.
Move over Tom Landry!
Hows the team going to perform? It's ridiculous
when we think about it in terms of an actual coach
and a team. But if you pay attention to how you talk
to yourself, you might be surprised to hear this type of coaching all the time.
Imagine going to your favorite restaurant and taking a seat next to a table with a father
and son. If the father were talking to his son in the same way you talk to yourself in
your own mind, youd be outraged. Youd be appalled if you heard a father telling his
son he was stupid, awkward, and not good enough. It would be totally unacceptable.
And yet, you might be treating yourself like this on a daily basis.
Tis is a toxic coach.
Fire Your Toxic Coach
In order to create a lasting sense of confdence, you must shift how you coach yourself.
Before you change your wardrobe, or get a new car, or learn a pick-up line, you must
address how you coach yourself, how you speak to yourself.
To do this, frst start paying attention to how you already coach yourself. For the next
week, notice how you talk to yourself. Pay particular attention before you do
something thats scary, or challenging, or uncomfortable for you. Tis can include
meeting new people, going somewhere new, speaking in front of a group, dating, or
doing anything where you perform (job interview, presentation, etc.).
When youre feeling down, or tense, or anxious, pay attention to what your coach is
saying. Usually hes giving a lengthy lecture about whats wrong with you and why
youre not enough.
Once youve noticed this coach in action, you must choose to change the way you
speak to yourself.
In order to develop confdence, you must fre your old toxic coach and decide to hire a
positive, healthy coach. Tis is a coach that encourages, inspires, and motivates his
team to believe in themselves, step up, take risks, and do their best.
A toxic coach destroys your inner confidence, no matter
how much you achieve externally.
We all need regular and frequent encouragement and support to succeed.
What would this success look like to you? It might be speaking in
front of that group, approaching that woman, or doing something
that really challenges and scares you. In order to pull this of, you
need to be able to encourage and support yourself, before during
and afterwards.
Regularly ask yourself: What would be the best way to coach myself
right now? How could I be a better coach to myself?
Tink of good coaches youve had. Remember mentors, teachers,
and other supportive people whove believed in you in your life.
Even if you dont know the person, you can draw upon the guidance
of an author, leader, or sports coach you admire. Ask yourself, what
would this person say to me?
Coaching Yourself To Confidence
Keep in mind the way youve been coaching yourself, this toxic coach, is simply a
negative pattern or habit. It might be a habit youve had for years, but its still just a
habit. In order to shift this habit, you can use whats called overcorrection.
Tis means you overcorrect, or use the new coaching style way more than you
normally would until it becomes conditioned as your new pattern. To do this, actively
speak and think the healthy coaching phrases to yourself throughout the entire day.
At least ten times a day, notice what you're doing and actively encourage, support and
praise yourself.
To give this even more impact, you can use your own name. Referring to yourself in
the third person actually has a strong impact on your mind.
For example, let's say I was going to give a presentation. Ive spoken hundreds of times
in front of groups, and yet I still actively coach myself beforehand with positive,
healthy encouragement. Ill say something like: You got this Aziz. Youre an incredibly
efective speaker and communicator. Youre playful, creative, courageous and you help people
understand things with great ease.
You might be thinking this sounds cheesy at frst but believe me, its incredibly
efective. Would you rather try something a little cheesy or continue to use the default
coach? He might say: You cant do this. Youre terrible at speaking. No ones interested. You
arent good enough.
Which would you prefer? Which one is going to help you more?
To create a lasting change in your coaching style, you must do it regularly throughout
the day. When you get up out of bed without hitting snooze, praise yourself for being
disciplined. When you eat something healthy for lunch, you praise yourself for that
choice.
You can do this in your own mind or out loud. It tends to have more impact and be
more powerful when you speak the voice of this coach out loud.
Keep your eyes open for when you do something well. A good coach is very skillful at
noticing success in his players, and highlighting this so he knows what hes doing
right.
Take Action: Celebrate Your Success!
To further strengthen your healthy coach, try this exercise. At the
end of each day, sit down with a sheet of paper or a journal and
ask yourself: what are three successes from the day, three things
you did well in?
These can be small and personal successes, or big public successes.
Making this practice part of your day will rapidly develop a healthy
inner coach that nourishes, supports, strengthens and inspires you.
Whether you're feeling insecure and nervous, or confdent and strong is almost
entirely based on the thoughts youre having about a particular situation, or your story.
Te story that you tell yourself is how you describe what's happening around you and
inside of you. It's the way you make meaning out of the events in your life.
For example, lets say you are single and you want to connect with a woman in your
life. Imagine you are at the supermarket and you happen to see a gorgeous woman
looking at fresh juices in the refrigerated isle. Youve been practicing some and have
gained some courage to follow your desires, so you go and speak with her.
She gives you a smile and kind of an awkward grin. It looks more like a grimace to
you. She then nods and moves away. It seems like a polite rejection.
How are you feeling in this situation? Discouraged, embarrassed, worried, hopeless,
angry, humiliated?
What I just described is the event. Te event does not automatically make you feel
anything. How you make sense of the event, or the meaning that you give the event,
will determine how you feel. Tis meaning is your story. And your story determines
how you feel.
All of us are making stories all of the time, about everything. Te quality of story that
you make determines how you feel about yourself, your level of confdence, and your
level of success in life.
STEP 2 - TELL A BETTER STORY
The only thing that stops you from getting what you truly want in life is
the story you have about why you cant have it. - Anthony Robbins
The fastest & most direct way to change how you feel about a situation or
about yourself is to shift the story youre telling yourself.
What would some typical stories be for the event I described above?
She rejected me, I was awkward, I was too nervous. I'm a loser, my feet are too big, my
pants are too baggy. I got these dark circles around my eyes. My ears are too big. I'm just a
loser. I didnt sound confdent enough.
Is this an empowering or a disempowering story? Does it inspire you to want to try
again and give it another shot? Or does it make you depressed because you think
theres something wrong with you and there's nothing you can do about it?
Find A New Meaning
To create the lasting confdence you desire, you must learn how to tell a better story.
You can learn to tell stories that empower you, encourage you, that see you and your
possibilities in a positive light.
One way to start shifting the stories you tell yourself is to regularly ask: Whats a better
story? Whats a more empowering way to see this?
Another powerful way to shift your story is to ask yourself: What else could this mean?
What are three other ways to look at this situation?
Try this now with the situation of the woman looking at juice in the supermarket. Te
old story was: she rejected me and Im a total loser who will never get a woman.
Te event was she grinned/grimaced and moved away.
What are three things this could mean?
Don't just wait to read the alternatives, actually think about it now!
If your story tells you theres nothing you can do about a situation,
its false. You always have a choice.
Te simplest one that comes to
mind is she could be having a
bad day. She could be tired,
hungry, and grumpy. Maybe
it's a preference thing. Maybe
people who look like you arent
her preference. Maybe being
approached in a supermarket is
not her preference. She goes
there to shop and leave. If you
were to talk to her in a
bookstore she might love it, but in a supermarket she doesnt want to be bothered.
A third meaning is perhaps shes shy. Maybe she's uncomfortable. Maybe some
attractive man comes and talks to her and she doesn't know what to do so she gets
nervous. What do people do when they're nervous? Most people will close down and
escape the situation as quickly as possible.
Whenever you notice yourself telling a negative story, you have to check it and ask
yourself: Is this story helping me? Is there something else that this could mean?
The Story Of Your Life
Beyond your daily stories about events happening around you, you also have a bigger
story about who you are in your life. We all have a story about ourselves, where we
came from, and the events that shaped us. Where we are now, where we're going, and
what is possible for us in the future, often based upon our past.
Tis broad story is the saga that is your life. What kind of story do you tell yourself
about your life? Is it a tragedy, is it a comedy? Is it a hero's journey, an epic tale? Are
you the main character, or are you one of the supporting characters? Are you in the
main plot of the story or are you on the sidelines?
The more you can challenge yourself to see alternative stories, the more
flexible and empowered you become in your own life.
Are you the hero or are you the villain? Are you the character that people love and root
for, or are you the good-for-nothing character that can never really do much in their
life and wont amount to much anyway?
Take Action: Write a New Story
Whats been the story of your life? Who are you? Where have you
been and where are you going? Whats possible for you? Are you a
capable hero or an ineffective supporting character? Write out a
brief version of your old story.
Once youve written it out, ask yourself: Is this an empowering
story? Is this the story thats going to get me to where I want to go
in my life? Is this the story that gives me confidence in myself?
Now write out a new story for your life. Make it the story you want
your life to follow.
Notice how you can use the same events and change the meaning
to create a new, empowering story. This isnt about blowing smoke
or just some positive thinking. This is about being flexible in
your mind to see you can view your life through many lenses, from
many perspectives. Why not pick the ones that empower you to
succeed?
Whats your true story? Is it a triumph? A tale of overcoming great
odds and adversity to eventually achieve greatness? Is it a
romance? Is it a heros journey?
Who is the main character? Is he strong, determined, a leader? How
does he deal with setbacks, conflict, and challenges?
Write out a detailed version of a new story for your life that
empowers and inspires you. Read this story over at least once a
week until you believe it fully and it just becomes who you
naturally are.
Once youve become a good coach to yourself and youre telling yourself a better story,
the most powerful way to unleash confdence is to change how you deal with the
things that scare you.
When theres something in your life youre afraid of, whats your natural impulse?
Te most natural response to fear is to move away, to avoid the thing were scared of. It
could be approaching a beautiful woman, starting up a business, or asking for a
promotion. If we're scared of it, we tend to avoid it.
If someone avoids something no matter
what the cost, and has unreasonable
terror about something it becomes what
we call a phobia. If someone were to
come to see me to treat them for a spider
phobia, wed do whats called exposure
therapy where we'd help them experience
the situation and see they can handle it.
We wouldn't take them and just throw
them into a spider pit. Wed use systematic
desensitization, which means we expose them a little bit at a time so they become
desensitized to it. Tey don't feel it as much and they're no longer as scared of it.
For a spider phobia wed start by having them think of a spider. Te next session wed
work more with imagination, and then eventually wed have them look at a picture of
a spider. Te next session we'd have a spider in the room in a cage. Eventually, we'd go
to a pet shop and have them hold a spider until it no longer scares them to be around
spiders.
STEP 3 - DO WHAT SCARES YOU
We gain strength, courage, & confidence by each experience in which
we really stop to look fear in the face we must do that which we think
we cannot. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Tis process works exactly the same when it comes to building confdence in your life.
Having greater confdence means youre more free to do what you want in your life.
Youre more free to act without being scared.
Its important to note fear is a natural part of being a human and everyone feels fear.
Te idea men arent supposed to be afraid is a horribly unrealistic and toxic notion.
The Two Fears That Hold You Back
Tere are two main fears that hold people back. One is fear of rejection and the other
is fear of failure. Both failure and rejection can trigger that terribly uncomfortable
feeling in your heart and stomach that youre bad, youre not good enough, and that
no one could possibly love you.
Te idea of not being worthy of love and afection is terrifying to humans. Were social
creatures and being ousted from the pack meant death in our evolutionary past.
Because this feeling is so uncomfortable to us, well do anything to avoid triggering it.
As a result, we end up avoiding things that might cause rejection or might cause
failure.
What happens if you try to avoid all rejection or any failure in your life?
You end up avoiding success as well. Anything worth having requires you to take a risk
to obtain it. Whether its meeting a woman, developing a relationship, going on a job
interview, starting a new job, or starting a new business, it always requires you to risk
failure and rejection.
You must learn to move towards what you want, in spite of fears of rejection and
failure.
The goal is not to eradicate all fear. The goal is to be able to go after
what you most want, even when fear is telling you to stop.
If we took that person who was scared of spiders and we plop them down and show
them a picture of one spider and then they leave, theyre not cured. Tey have to
repeatedly expose themselves to what they're scared of.
Take Action: Face Your Fear
Think of one area in your life where you have consistent fear. It could be
in meeting women, dating, deepening relationships, speaking up at
work, calling clients, speaking in front of a group, or any other area.
Write out five things youre scared to do in this area. Pick the least scary
of the five and do it sometime this week. The next week, pick the
second least scary thing. Do this over the course of five weeks until
youve done everything on your list.
Use the example of the spider phobia to help you realize exposing
yourself to fears is a process. You dont need to jump into the spider pit
right away. In fact, doing that too soon can be counterproductive. The
best approach is to gradually challenge yourself to do things that are
just outside of your comfort zone.
Note: Exposing yourself to fear is an incredibly powerful tool of
transformation. It can also be difficult to do by yourself. If youre
struggling to do this on your own, please contact me and we can discuss
ways you can get support in this process
(www.SocialConfidenceCenter.com).
Approaching what scares you isnt a one-time action. Its a
lifestyle. Its a way of being in the world that continues to
strengthen and deepen your confidence in yourself.
Too many of us arent living our dreams because were living our fears.
Life takes on a new meaning when you become motivated, set goals, and
charge after them in an unstoppable manner. - Les Brown
One of the biggest obstacles to confdence is to be too much in your own head.
Tis means being lost in your thoughts during the day and not really present to whats
happening around you.
Many of your thoughts are about things that are going to happen in the future, either
later that day or weeks or months in advance. Your thoughts might also linger over
events from the past what happened earlier that day, months ago, or years ago with
your last relationship or your frst job.
Many times, the things we worry about in the future are things that never actually
happen. What if I lose my job? What if I run out of money? What if my girlfriend leaves
me?
Each of these thoughts causes us to react with fear or discomfort, even though in the
present nothing bad is happening.
As Mark Twain said, "I've been through some terrible things in my life, some of which
actually happened."
We spend a lot of our energy and focus on what could happen in the future and what
did happen in the past and how the past shouldve been diferent. Resisting the past or
being afraid of the future is just a recipe for pain.
Retreat To The Tower
Getting lost in thought also happens when we want to avoid feeling something
uncomfortable. Emotions like fear, shame, or inferiority can very painful. One way to
escape them is to retreat to a safe distance in our minds. Its like retreating to a tower
high above our experience. From here, we can analyze whats happening and avoid the
discomfort.
STEP 4 - THINK LESS, FEEL MORE
I teach people that no matter what the situation is, no matter how
chaotic, no matter how much drama is around you, you can heal by your
presence if you just stay within your center.- Deepak Chopra
You mightve noticed this when you were in a bar
or cofee shop and you see an attractive woman
you want to talk to. But you dont go talk to her.
What do you do instead? You say to yourself: I
can't go talk to her. I don't have anything to say.
What am I going to say to her? I need to come up
with something to say. And so you can spend ten
minutes, twenty minutes, an hour, or the entire
night thinking to yourself, I need something to say.
I don't know what I would say.
Te whole time youre in your head. Youre
thinking, planning, and imagining all kinds of
scenarios. If I say this, she'll say that, and then I'll say this. If I say that, I might get
rejected. And if she does this, then I'll get rejected for sure.
And so you're in your head the entire night. You're doing this to avoid the fear you're
feeling, to avoid rejection, to avoid failure, to avoid any painful emotions.
What youre not doing during this time is noticing you're breathing. You're not feeling
the beer you're holding in your hand - the coolness of the liquid and the heaviness of
the glass. You're not feeling your toes inside of your shoes. In a sense youre not fully
here, in this moment.
Teres an abundance of things happening right now. Te more present and aware you
are, the more centered you become. You can realize this moment isnt as threatening or
scary as your thoughts indicate.
Te more you can notice your thoughts for what they are passing events in your own
mind the more centered and naturally confdent you become. People can feel
someone whos present in themselves and in the moment. Teres a natural charisma
and magnetism that comes from presence.
The biggest drain to your confidence is being stuck in your mind,
stuck in your head, stuck in your thoughts.
Presence In Relationships
In addition to afecting your ability to meet women and start conversations, being
stuck in your mind is one of the biggest problems in relationships. One of the most
common complaints in relationships women have about the man they're with their
date, their partner, their husband - is that hes not present.
Te man is often confused. He says: What do you mean? I was there with her all day.
She says: You were with me but you weren't present.
What does she mean by that? She means you were with her that day, but you were in
your mind. You were thinking about what you were going to do later, about how to
please or impress her. You were worrying about what could go wrong, or if she
thought you sounded cool enough. Or you were thinking about something else
entirely, lost in a sea of thoughts.
Developing Presence
You can start by becoming present in your body using the exercise below. When youre
present in your body, it makes you stronger, frmer, and less impacted by what goes on
around you.
Te next time youre in a situation and you notice your mind grinding away on what
to say to a woman, take a moment to step back and actually just feel into your body.
Notice your breath coming in and out of your body, the weight of your body on your
chair. Notice the colors, shapes, and objects around you. Notice all the sounds hitting
your ears the music, the ambient noise, the drum of many chattering voices. Simply
breathe and feel your presence in this moment. How present can you become?
A deep, sturdy, stable sense of confidence doesnt come from your
thoughts it comes from being truly present in this moment.
Tat's the level of presence you can bring. And when you're bringing that level of
presence, you're radiating an inner confdence thats way more powerful than any
thought or fear.
If youre truly present in yourself, it goes way beyond the words you say when you
speak with a woman. Its something she feels in direct response to the presence you
bring. Ask any woman and shell tell you presence is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Take Action: Build Your Presence Power
The power of presence comes from being able to reside in this moment.
Its a skill developed over time by paying attention to whats happening
around you and inside of your mind and body.
You can build presence power any time throughout the day. Simply shift
your attention from your thinking to your breathing. Notice what it feels
like to breathe in and breathe out from moment to moment. You can
direct your focus by saying to yourself: In this moment Im breathing in.
In this moment Im breathing out.
Continue to feel your breath and start noticing sensations in your body
warmth, tingling, dampness, pressure, tightness. Notice the sounds
hitting your hears, seeing if you can count ten distinct, difference
sounds as they hit your eardrums.
It can be helpful to imagine youre a distant human ancestor in a jungle.
During that time period, presence was essential to survive. See if you
can tune your senses to their highest, as if your life depended on it.
What colors are you seeing, what objects, what movements? What
sounds, smells, tastes or you noticing?
Continue this process for several minutes, opening to whatever you
notice with a nonjudgmental attitude.
Quite simply, if you're feeling anxious, angry, a sense of shame, whatever it is,
breathe in and agree to touch or feel it. Breathing out, offer space and care to
whatever's there. If there's blocking to touching it, emphasize the in-breath and
stay embodied. - Tara Brach
In my years of counseling work, Ive met so many men who are incredibly strong,
talented, attractive, articulate, capable, and efective in their careers and relationships,
and yet they dont feel confdent in themselves. Tey don't believe in themselves. Tey
don't view themselves highly. Whats happening for them is they have an idea or map
of how a man is supposed to be.
Tis list of supposed tos is
like an internal checklist
men use to determine if
theyre measuring up. If
youre not measuring up to
your internal checklist, you
feel like a failure, like youre
not enough, and dont feel
confdent.
Confdence comes from
believing in yourself,
knowing you have value, knowing you're worthwhile, and knowing you have
something to ofer. When you don't think you have those things, its impossible to feel
confdent.
Many men have it rigged so they cant feel confdent or good about themselves because
how they're supposed to be as a man is unachievable. Tese standards are often set by
the culture at large and the families we grew up in.
A key step in unleashing your natural inner confdence is to examine what you believe
you should be as a man. You must remove the unhealthy, unrealistic demands on
yourself and replace them with supportive, realistic standards of excellence.
STEP 5 - REDEFINE WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN
This is the tyranny of the shoulds: the absolute nature of belief, the
unbending sense of right and wrong. If you dont live up to your shoulds,
you judge yourself to be a bad and unworthy person. - Matthew McKay, PhD
The Impossible Checklist
To start uncovering your internal checklist, read the following sentences and fll in the
blank with whatever comes to mind. Dont spend too much time thinking about it,
just blurt out the answers as they pop into your head. List several for each sentence.
A man should always be ____________.
A man should never _____________.
What answers did your mind come up with?
Typically men have a checklist that says a man should always be strong, confdent,
tough, smart, cool and calm, suave, and end up on top. A man should never lose, get
sick, get rejected, be afraid, cry, fail, give up, be angry, or just want sex.
Notice whatever answers came to you. Tis is your internal checklist, and how you
were taught you were supposed to be as a man.
Some of these might be healthy values or guidelines to live by. Others, however, are
impossible standards and are unattainable. For example, lets say your list included: I
should never get angry, always be cool and calm, and never feel afraid.
What happens if youre feeling afraid, or anxious, or angry? What do you do?
You might tell yourself youre wrong for feeling this way, that youre no good, that
youre a wimp. You might start hating yourself and want to isolate. You might lash out
at those around you because you feel so bad about yourself, or you might take several
drinks just to feel a bit better for a while.
Letting Go Of Shoulds
What if you didnt have these demands on yourself? What if you had standards that
were reasonable and supported you to be your best?
A transformative process I do with many of my clients is to help them uncover and
release this rigid internal checklist. Tis checklist is like a box or cage you believe you
have to ft into in order to be a good man or worthwhile.
Ask yourself: Does my current checklist seem healthy and obtainable? Does it strengthen
me? Does it get me to where I want to go or does it make me feel restricted, unhappy, down
on myself, and unsuccessful most of the time?
If your current checklist is not serving you, you can consciously choose another way of
being. Doing so will improve how you feel about yourself, help you obtain better
results in your life, and dramatically increase the amount of confdence you feel on a
day to day basis.
Take Action: Redefine What It Means To Be A Man
Take a moment to write out your old list checklist. Make a list of all the
ways youve been telling yourself you should be or have to be in order to
be a good, worthwhile person.
Look over the list and cross off anything thats unrealistic or overly rigid.
Ask yourself: What is my definition of a healthy man?
Determine for yourself what your standards are going to be. Not what
society has told you, not what your dad has told you, but what you truly
believe.
To me a real man is aware, firm in his commitments, loving, expressive,
knows what hes feeling, has patience with himself, is vulnerable and
honest, and is able to speak his mind despite how others might react.
Sometimes he feels scared, angry, helpless, or horny. A real man does
not attack himself for what hes feeling.
This is my definition. Whats yours?
A deep, sturdy, stable sense of confidence doesnt come from your
thoughts it comes from being truly present in this moment.
If theres one decision that can radically change your confdence - and your entire life
- its deciding to practice complete self-acceptance.
When it comes down to it, self-confdence is self-acceptance.
If youre totally on your own side, your own best friend, your own biggest fan, then it
doesnt really matter if someone rejects you or you fall short of a goal. You know youre
a good guy and you can always try again tomorrow.
Over the course of this book, you may
have noticed developing confdence is
a skill that takes regular practice. Much
like learning the guitar, you must
practice regularly if you want to see
your skills improve.
In fact, the frst time you pick up the
guitar, you're not even going to be able
to hold it, let alone make beautiful
music with it. Te same goes for
developing confdence in an area of
your life, whether it's dating, or relationships, or speaking up in public. Te frst time
you try to do something diferent, itll be like playing the guitar for the frst time. It
may be messy and not sound very good.
Tiss why complete self-acceptance is an essential part of unleashing your inner
confdence. You must be able to support, love, and encourage yourself along each step
of the process.
Going at this process alone can be challenging. I highly recommend becoming involved
with groups, counseling, coaching, or any other form of personal development as an
ongoing part of your life. Te counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, and coaches I
admire most all have done years of their own personal work.
BONUS STEP 6 - COMPLETE SELF-ACCEPTANCE
The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself. - Mark Twain
Conditional Self-Acceptance
Te biggest obstacles to accepting yourself are
the conditions of worth you have. Tese go
something like this: If I do ________, then Im
worthy of love and belonging. Otherwise, I wont
accept myself.
For example: I'll accept myself if I can give an
amazing speech and amaze everyone in the
audience. Otherwise I'm a failure and I'm not
good enough. I'll accept myself when I lose 20
pounds. I'll accept myself when I'm making
$100,000 a year. I'll accept myself when...
Tis is a conditional type of acceptance and it
often leads to not accepting yourself most of the
time.
Objections To Complete Self-Acceptance
Wait a minute, you might be saying... But, isnt that how I motivate myself? If I just
accepted myself no matter what, Id be a lazy slob! Also, what if Im being a jerk or an
asshole, I shouldnt just accept myself then.
Tese objections are very common and worth considering.
First, as far as motivation, withholding acceptance from yourself is like using a whip
on a mule. It might make him move, but it certainly doesnt make him happy. Tis
type of motivation is like using dirty fuel in your car itll run the engine, but itll
eventually eat out your insides.
Te best trainers in the world can get whales to jump through hoops and dogs to push
shopping carts through a supermarket. Tese incredible feats are done entirely through
positive reinforcement. Teres no beating or intimidating the animal to make it
perform. Te same holds true for us.
Te second objection is that sometimes were being a jerk or an asshole and we need to
change what were doing. Tis is absolutely true. We all get into to moods or patterns
where we can say hurtful things, avoid taking responsibility, and generally be a dog.
Te purpose of complete self-acceptance is to allow us to own up to our misbehavior
so we can correct it, without rejecting ourselves. In fact, the less we accept ourselves,
the less responsibility we can take because we already dont like ourselves!
Te truth is, the more you accept yourself, the more you can acknowledge mistakes
and shortcomings and take efective steps to correcting them.

Making The Decision
If you truly want to create a deep, lasting sense of confdence in yourself, then you
must make a decision. You must commit to accepting yourself no matter what
happens. No matter what you feel, do, say, or think. Even if you make a mistake,
make a fool out of yourself, hurt someones feelings, or fall short of a goal.
From this decision you commit to accept yourself even if youre scared, even when you
have an awkward interaction, even when
you embarrass yourself in front of an
audience. Part of this decision is realizing
when you make mistakes and fall short is
the most important time to remember to
accept yourself just as you are.
If you attempt to use the fve steps above
without a commitment to accepting
yourself no matter what, you may fnd
your road to confdence is longer and
more painful than it needs to be. I know
this because thats the road I took.
Healthy coaching and encouragement produce better results and
greater fulfillment than any sort of self-attack.
Success Without Fulfillment
Many years ago, I decided I was going to develop confdence in the area of dating and
relationships. I was terrifed of talking to women and the only girlfriend I had was one
that had pursued me. I studied everything I could on the subject and set out to
increase my confdence. However, I did so without realizing one key point.
A commitment to complete self-acceptance is absolutely necessary to create deep,
lasting confdence.
I learned this lesson the hard way when it came to women and dating. I started from a
place of zero confdence in this area. I couldnt even start a conversation with an
attractive woman, let alone ask someone out on a date. I didnt even know how the
whole process worked.
I was so fed up by failed attempts with women that always seemed to end in the
friend zone or the polite rejection after one awkward interaction. I decided to throw
myself into studying the process from the inside out.
I read everything I could fnd on dating and relationships. I discussed my challenges in
counseling and attended workshops on how to meet women and date. Trough this
process I realized confdence is a skill I can build through regular practice. Tis is an
amazingly helpful insight, however I didnt realize one key point: Te journey to
confdence must be supported by a commitment to accept yourself no matter what.
Without this commitment I experienced great success without feeling any diferent. As
I learned to approach women, get phone numbers, and go on dates I still felt like I
wasnt good enough on the inside. I was always setting new goals just outside of my
reach.
If I set a goal to go to a crowded shopping center and start three conversations with
beautiful women, I would feel like I must achieve this goal or I was a failure.
A commitment to complete self-acceptance is absolutely
necessary to create deep, lasting confidence.
Success Without Fulfillment
Worse still, even if I did start three conversations, my mind would say: Yeah, well you
didnt get any phone numbers, so youre still a loser. It was never enough.
Tis is success without fulfllment, which is one of the worst forms of pain. What
were really searching for through outward success is an inner sense of fulfllment, of
satisfaction and peace. And the only way to achieve this state is to commit to
accepting yourself as you are right now, in this very moment.
Once I realized this, I shifted my primary focus from outer success with women to
creating a deep acceptance of myself no matter what. I wrote a doctoral dissertation on
self-compassion and focused my studies on what helps people accept and love
themselves. Tis is where true confdence resides.
As I shifted my focus, I
found meeting women and
dating shifted entirely. I
stopped planning the right
line or what I needed to
project in order to make
her want me. I was able to
be incredibly authentic
and honest with women I
was just meeting. I started
saying things like: Hi
there. I was noticing you
from across the way, and I fnd you incredibly beautiful. To be honest, Im a little
freaked out coming over to talk with you, but I just had to try. Whats your name?
As I accepted myself more, my ability to just put myself out there radically increased.
Te same is possible for you, once youve made the commitment to accept yourself no
matter what.
It didnt matter how far I progressed or how well people responded to
me, it was never enough because I didnt accept myself.
Take Action: Commit To Complete Self-Acceptance
Self-acceptance is not a state you achieve once and are done with. It
requires a consistent effort to remember to forgive, accept, and love
yourself no matter whats happening.
The biggest shift comes when you decide on a deep level to start
treating yourself well no matter what. When you decide youll no longer
stand for self-hate or self-criticism.
This decision comes from realizing life is better when youre on your
own side, and you can achieve profoundly more when you're not battling
yourself.
Are you willing to make that commitment now?
Confidence Tips
As you might guess, these steps dont work in a linear fashion. Its not like you
complete Step 1 and never have to worry about a toxic coach again. Instead, all of
these steps are a process. Teyre things you do every day to steadily increase your
confdence.
We all want a quick result. We want to watch a video or read an article and feel
completely diferently forever. But when it comes to creating a deep, permanent sense
of confdence in yourself, it takes practice over time. But I promise you, it does get
better.
Te more you can improve your inner coaching, change your story to serve you,
approach what youre scared of, let go of your unrealistic expectations, be present in
your body, and fnd love and compassion for yourself, the better your life will be.
What follows are important confdence tips to help guide you on your path.
I must learn to love the fool in methe one who feels too much, talks too
much, takes too many chances, love and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises
and breaks promises, laughs and cries. - Theodore Rubin, M.D.
All the knowledge in the world wont help you make a shift in how you feel. Knowing
in your head you need to have more self-compassion wont automatically make you
feel more loving towards yourself.
In other words, you must come up with a daily ritual of building your confdence.
To do this, set aside some time each day. Start
with just ten minutes if your life is really busy.
Ive never met anyone who doesnt have ten
minutes. No matter how busy, all of us are
doing things for at least a few minutes each day
we could skip (watching TV, surfng the web,
getting lost in the Facebook vortex, checking
email for the 30th time that day, etc.).
Commit to taking some time each day to
practice one of the 5 Steps. Do the exercises
from the Take Action section of each step.
Really write out your list of shoulds and challenge them. Actually pay attention to
your inner coach and spend time coming up with diferent things you could tell
yourself.
Everything I share in this book, I have practiced myself... and thats what it takes to
create the confdence you want. Confdence is not something you just spontaneously
wake up with, its something you build over time.
So, what are you going to commit to each day? How much time are you going to
invest in yourself?
CONFIDENCE TIP #1 - DAILY RITUALS
In order to truly transform, you must have things you do on a daily basis
that put these teachings into practice.
As you embark on this journey to greater confdence, you may start to notice progress.
Once you challenge your old B.S. story no one will like you, and do what scares you,
you might just fnd yourself meeting women or making new friends. Huzzah! Progress!
Tis is a great part of the journey, and one worth celebrating. Really take the time to
notice your progress and highlight it. Dont discount it by saying, Oh who cares?
Anyone else can talk to people. I didnt do anything that amazing.
No! If talking to strangers is a big step for you, then its important. Who cares if
anyone else would think its a big deal? Its a big deal to you. And confdence builds
from your successes, so dont take that away from yourself!
But, the journey to confdence is not one continuous rise to the top, Supreme
Confdence if you will. Its not a straight line going from no confdence to maximum
confdence. It actually looks more like a stock market graph. Some days its up, and
some days its down.
Tis is called regression. Its the opposite of progress. Regression means youll have
periods of feeling less confdent. In fact, you might have a setback, failure, or rejection
that hits you really hard. You might feel so bad you conclude nothing youve done
helped because youre right back to square one.
Dont buy into this! Catch this toxic story and remind yourself regression is inevitable.
It just means youre human and youre still learning and growing. Practice self-
compassion and see if you can ease up on yourself. Remind yourself this is a process
and youre committed to growing.
Youll discover over time your periods of regression are often shorter than they used to
be. Instead of making you feel worthless for weeks, a rejection might only make you
feel low for several days, then several hours.
CONFIDENCE TIP #2 - Progress, Regression, & The BIG Myth
Slow down, calm down, dont worry, dont hurry, trust the process.
- Alexandra Stoddard
Your self-concept is your idea about who you are. Its how you see yourself. It includes
all the adjectives youd use to describe yourself: tall, short, thin, fat, smart, dumb,
funny, boring, attractive, ugly, etc.
If youre shy and socially anxious, then you have a negative self-concept. Tis means
you see yourself in a poor light. You tend to notice your faws and shortcomings and
not your strengths (to learn how to completely transform this pattern, check out my
book Te Solution To Social Anxiety).
As you apply the steps above and notice progress, something funny happens: You start
getting diferent results than youd predict.
For example, you might predict an attractive woman would be uncomfortable and
annoyed if you were to go talk with her, because youre an awkward, ugly, weirdo.
Hows that for a stellar self-concept?
But if you applied Step 3 and actually went and talked with her... what might happen?
If you practice this enough, you just might fnd you get a positive response. She smiles
and starts talking with you.
But heres where it gets weird.
I call this the Self-Concept Time Lag. Tats a mouthful, huh? Well I dont care! I
think its awesome and one day Im going to trademark it.
It basically means youll start to become a more confdent, assertive, outgoing person
long before youll realize youre a confdent, assertive, outgoing person. Others will
begin to see you that way, but you wont. Youll have a blind spot for your own
confdence.
CONFIDENCE TIP #3 - SELF-CONCEPT TIME LAG
Even after you start getting positive responses from the world around
you, some part of you continues to predict bad outcomes.
One client of mine started getting feedback at work from the managers.
Tey said he was doing great work and he was really good at putting the customers at
ease and chatting with them. But hed been so shy for so long, he still thought of
himself as the awkward guy no one wanted to talk to.
His self-concept hadnt caught up to how he actually operated in the world.
Start paying attention to your self-concept. Is it behind the times?
If someone were watching you from the outside, how would they describe you?
Paying attention to this can help you more quickly change your self-concept to refect
the new you.
You 2.0.
One fnal word on taking control of you life...
A state of natural inner confdence is your birthright. All little kids are naturally
confdent. A toddler will take risks, yell out, make noise, and basically do whatever he
wants. He doesnt care what other people will think of him, or about what he should
be doing. All that stuf comes later.
And if youre stuck in shyness then theres too much piled on. Too many rules, ideas,
and patterns youve picked up. Te steps above will help you remove this pile thats
blocking your natural confdence from emerging.
Its possible for you to completely accept all parts of yourself, to believe in yourself and
your abilities, and to have the courage to pursue what you most want in this life.
Its simply a matter of practice and determination.
Id be honored to help accelerate your progress along this journey. Its possible to do it
on your own, but I benefted tremendously from getting guidance along the way, and
I think you would too.
If youre motivated to take action to transform your life, I strongly suggest getting one
of my confdence building training programs. Below are descriptions of each one, and
how they can help you overcome specifc challenges related to your confdence.
Click the links below to learn more and order the program thats right for you.
If youre dead set on making a complete change in your level of confdence, and youre
motivated to really invest in yourself, then Confdence Coaching might be right for
you. Tis is a powerful one-on-one process that allows us to identify your specifc
challenges and come up with a plan to live the life of confdence you truly want.
I only accept a small number of Private Confdence Coaching clients each year
because my time is limited and I only want to work with you if youre ready to do
whatever it takes to transform your life. If you are, contact me about a submitting a
Confdence Coaching Application. May you have the courage to be who you truly are!
Dr. Aziz Gazipura
TAKING YOUR LIFE INTO YOUR OWN HANDS
No matter how long youve struggled, its possible for you to change your life.
Confidence Unleashed!
Unlock Te Full Potential Of Your Masculine Power
In Dating, Business, And Life!
An in-depth 8-week confdence training program that teaches you
why you are stuck and how to break free. You will learn about your
story and how it stops you from having the confdence you need
in your life.
ADDITIONAL CONFIDENCE TRAINING & BOOKS BY DR. AZIZ
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The Confidence Code
How To Maximize Your Self-Esteem And
Master Your Social Life!
An interactive DVD training program that teaches you the 2 fundamental
components of confdence self-esteem and social skills.When you have
high self-esteem and you like who you are, confdence just comes naturally
to you.
The
30 Days To Dating Mastery
Maximize Your Confdence, Start Conversations, And Date
Amazing Women... All By Being Yourself!
Tis comprehensive video coaching program is designed to take you from
feeling stuck and shy with women to a place of truly enjoying your dating
life.
Each day you will receive an email from Dr. Aziz that contains an in-depth
Strategy Session that will teach you exactly what you need to know to have
more success with women. Ten you will be given your mission for the day,
which is a specifc action that you must take that day. Te missions build
on each other and slowly take you from shyness to complete social
confdence in yourself.
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The
The Solution To Social Anxiety
Break Free From Te Shyness Tats Holding You Back!
If you are a man struggling with shyness, Dr. Aziz is the guide you have been
looking for. He walks with you every step, inspiring you on the path to
liberation. Tis book is life changing! Dr. Landon Berger Founder,
Portland Positive Psychology
In this inspiring, breakthrough book, Dr. Aziz will guide you along the
path towards greater confdence in yourself. Youll discover whats keeping
you stuck in shyness and learn exactly what to do in order to break free.
Youll master dozens of clinically proven techniques that will help you
overcome your shyness and social anxiety!
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The
How To Overcome Your Fear
Of Public Speaking
Te 3 Steps To Speaking Confdence!
Tis is a detailed eBook that teaches you how to overcome your fears of
speaking in front of a group.
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Dr. Aziz Gazipura
www.SocialConfidenceCenter.com

5 Steps To Unleash Your Inner Confdience DR Aziz Gazipura

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