A STORMY NIGHT

CAST OF CHARACTERS

Boss Dumitrache Tartar the Hard-hearted, lumber dealer, Captain in the National
Guard
Nick Gumshoe, Precinct Chief, member of the same political party as the Captain
Charlie, lumberyard manager, the Captain's trustworthy right-hand man, Sergeant in
the National Guard
Spiro, orphan apprenticed to Boss Dumitrache's household
Rich Venturiano, archivist at one of the lower courthouses, law student and
newspaper reporter
Vera, Boss Dumitrache's better-half
Zena, Vera's sister

ACT I
(A room in the slums. A door backstage leading to the entrance hall; two windows,
one on each side of this door. Wood and wicket furniture. Two more doors, one left front
stage and another further back. Backstage right, another door. In a distant corner,
leaning against the wall, a rifle with the bayonet on.)

SCENE I
Boss Dumitrache, dressed in the National Guard Captain's uniform, minus the sword,
and Nick Gumshoe

Boss: (continuing his original discourse) Them punks... them dang pencil-pushers, a
dime a dozen the whole stack of 'em! They eat on credit, they hit on their friends for a
drink, they got a bunch a tricks up their sleeves... and then at night they get all dressed
up in high feather 'n start stalkin' married women. I'm tellin' ya, it ain't safe to take a
woman out of the house without a whole pack of 'em bums sniffin' at your heels. A...
paper-pusher, a desk-jockey, without two coins to rub together, 's got the nerve to stalk
a businessman's wife, to bust an honest businessman's marriage.
Gumshoe: They don't stalk 'em all, boss. See, it depends on the woman, too: if she
gives 'em the come-hither look, ya know, if she makes goo-goo eyes at them, sure,
that's all 'em bums're waitin' for.
Boss: Excuuse me! I know whatcha mean... But my wife ain't one of 'em floozies, sir.
Gumshoe: Heck, no, boss! You got me all wrong, man. That's not what I meant. You
didn't think I's hintin' at you, did you?
Boss: No offence taken, Don Nick. Only, what I mean is, if my wife ain't one of 'em
floozies, why did they stalk me?
Gumshoe: Was the bums after you, too?
Boss: They was and they are...
Gumshoe: Oh, man, have they got the wrong man...
Boss: When it comes down to my familiar honor... I got dignity, ya know!
Gumshoe: Logical!
Boss: Slam 'em cuffs right here, I don't care! Take me downtown and throw away the
key, I don't give a rat's whisker. If I see that punk foller me one more time, just hand'im
over to me.
Gumshoe: Which punk?
Boss: Heck, how do I know 'im? A punk like all 'em other bums...


Gumshoe: Excuse me, but if you don't know the guy, how do you know he's a punk,
eh?
Boss: Gee! Are we like speakin' the same language here, or what? But, you know, I
cain't hardly blame you; you got no idea what I been through, how he been roastin' me
over a small fire for two weeks... Not that I suspicion nothin' on my wife's part and all... I
don't want you to...
Gumshoe: Good Lord, no! Ma'am Vera! Are you kiddin' me!? As if I didn't know 'er!
Boss: It ain't that I suspicion somethin'... But when it comes down to my familiar
honor... I got ambition, ya know...

Gumshoe: Logical!
Boss: This geek...
Gumshoe: Right! You were tellin' me...
Boss: Wait! Lemme start all over...
Gumshoe: I'm all ears.
Boss: You know that on Mardi Gras we went to the summer gardens, to "The Union
Gardens". It was me, my better-half and my sister-in-law, Zena. We set down at one
table and begin to watch those comedies of Ionescu's. About a quarter of an hour later
who shows his tail, but one of 'em desk-jockeys, one of 'em squids...
Gumshoe: How do you know he was a desk-jockey?
Boss: He wasn't dressed like a businessman. So I see this dern pencil-pusher
grabbin' a chair and settin' 'imself down at this table facin' us, with his back to the stage,
like. He sets leanin' on one side, like that, and he falls to checkin' out the ladies, over
and over and over... Me, I got this God-given ambition as to my familiar honor, so I
stand up to go. The ladies, on the other hand, no way! Why don't we stay some more,
the play's not over, blah-blah-blah... I start scowlin' at the geek. I got half a mind to go
over and smack 'im, but I didn't wanna start a truck; I mean, me, a businessman, to start
a public ruckus with a nobody... it just ain't done... So I turn away, I make like I don't see
nothin', but as soon as I do that, the punk's eyes are poppin' out gawkin' at the women
again; to top it all, he dons these glasses astride 'is nose. I'm tellin' ya, chief, if we'd
been down here, in our neck o' the woods, if he'd tried to roast me over a small fire
down here, I'd've smacked 'im so hard I'd've sent both 'is glasses an' 'is stupid top hat
flyin'...
Gumshoe: Logical!
Boss: Well, finally the play is over, right? We stand up to go; empty-pockets gets up,
too. We leave, the swivel-neck follers. I's watchin' 'im with the corner of my eye. But I
didn't wanna tell the ladies, I didn't wanna embarrass 'em, see. Ya know how bashful
my better-half is...
Gumshoe: Tell me about it! As if I didn't know 'er... So?
Boss: All right, so we took St. J ohn's Street to get to the Earthen-bridge - the punk
two steps behind us. We veer behind Aggie Street - the beggar on our tails. We get to
St. Elias Road - the royal pain on our heels. We turn to King Michael Street - empty-
pockets was still following us like a bad smell. All I could do was spy 'im with the corner
of my eye... It was eatin' into my vitals, but didn't wanna tell the ladies...
Gumshoe: Logical! You didn't want to embarrass 'em.
Boss: You know how my Vera is...
Gumshoe: Bashful, I know!
Boss: When we was about to swing towards the Cat House, I snuck a look behind us
and didn't see the empty-pockets no more. We walked on for a while and I snuck
another look... the punk'd finally given me a break...
Gumshoe: Boss, forgive me for sayin' so, but I think that you got all worked up for
nothin'. Maybe the guy just lived in the neighborhood, on Spire Hill somewhere. Well,
maybe he came to the summer gardens, just like the three a you, he waited until the
play was over, and he just happened to take the same way home. He went to his house,
and you went on to yours.
Boss: That's what I said to myself first, but just wait a bit! A week went by! To tell ya

the truth, I'd kinda put the punk outta my mind; I's reckonin' hey, maybe the empty-
pockets was livin' in the neighborhood, just like you said. Yesterday, however, my sister-
in-law comes to me and says, she goes: "Brother, why 'ncha take us to "The Union
Gardens", to Ionescu's!" When I heard the word "Union" I turned green in the face.
"What business do we got goin' to that dumb German theater? All a royal pain, if you
ask me; we fork out a good chunk o' money and don't get it anyways; why don't we
switch the money from one pocket to the other and pretend we been there." "Come,
brother, please, pretty please, if you care for me, do it for my sake and Vera's!" When I
heard 'er talk like she meant it, ya know, I just didn't have the heart to treat 'er to a
negative.
Gumshoe: Logical!
Boss: All right! So I give in... Heck, how was I gonna know what was in store for
me!? So we get there. We set at one table to one side; we just set there for a while until
the play starts. I don't know how I happen to turn to look back, and guess who I see
settin' at the table right behind us?...
Gumshoe: The punk...
Boss: The royal pain himself, sir! The empty-pockets, the beggar, sir! Well, dog my
cats! You, dern son of an undertaker! The punk himself, Chief, complete with 'is glasses
astraddle 'is nose, 'is top hat perched on 'is head, and 'is bandana flowing outside, just
like that. When he saw me - it musta been showin' in my face, the way I am when I get
my dander up (he caresses his whiskers) - the moment he saw me, he wet 'is pants...
He looked the other way and fell to puffin' at 'is cigarette, cool-like, ya know. But 'e was
watchin' me sideways with the corner of 'is eye. As soon as I turn around and make like
I'm watchin' the play, right away the punk falls to checkin' out the ladies! I look at 'im, he
turns away... I turn to the play, he checks out the ladies; I look at 'im, he turns away; I
turn to the play...
Gumshoe: He checks out the ladies...
Boss: Right! That's how he roasted me over a small fire the whole night through.
Gumshoe: So what happened?
Boss: All right... we leave; empty-pockets on our tail. I was this close to turnin'
around on the way out of the theater and ask 'im: "What the heck is it that you want,
mister?" and beat the sawdust out of 'im right there and then. But you know I got my
ambition; I said to myself: Me, a businessman... to have a truck with a punk like that... It
ain't done, eh...
Gumshoe: Logical! Then what?
Boss: He trailed me like a bad smell again.
Gumshoe: All the way to the Cat House...
Boss: Right, to the Cat House! He came all the way to the fork in the road where it
splits to the fort. I was prayin' to myself. "Come, you rascal, come! J ust set a foot on
Marcus Aurelius or Catilina, and I'll give you all the gawkin' you can carry and then
some!" I's plannin' to take the ladies inside, send Charlie through the back door to the
vacant lot to cut 'im off, while I was gonna catch up with 'im from behind. And when I'd
had 'im cornered, I's gonna ask 'im: "What the heck is it that you want, mister?" and give
'im all the trouble he could carry and then some! And I promise you, he wouldn'ta
wanned to come back for pie! (Caresses his whiskers.)
Gumshoe: And if he did, the precinct is right next door. If he'd had the guts to show

'is face in my precinct with a complaint, I'd'a taken over right where you'd left off.
Boss: He was a lucky son of a gun, he was! He gave us the slip!
Gumshoe: What a blame shame... How come?
Boss: When me and the ladies passed the fork in the road, the punk was about to
foller us on our street, but a pack o' dogs came out from the mayor's yard on the street
corner and cut the S.O.B. off. I dropped Zena off at 'er house, went inside with Vera,
and sent Charlie over to the empty lot while I circled over through the short-cut over the
fence all the way to Beaver's store; but all for nothing! When we got there, the punk'd
given us the slip!

(Charlie's voice is overheard calling outside: Spiro! Spiro!)

Gumshoe: You'll finish the story some other time. Charlie's comin'.
Boss: Nah! I dont keep no secrets from 'im. On the contrary, he knows the entire,
whole story. I told 'im everything from the very first.... He's the one steady man I got
around here... Fine lad! He cares about my familiar honor. If I didn't have 'im, I'd be up
the creek. Ya know me, I got a businessman's kind o' life. I gotta rush here, run there,
I'm gone most of the time to bring home the bacon. On the other hand, I gotta confess,
when it comes right down to my familiar honor, I got ambition. Well, so when I'm gone,
who stays behind to watch over my honor? Charlie, the poor lad! So I made up my
mind, soon as I'm done fixin' that house next door, I'll make 'im a partner in my business
and find 'im a nice wife.
Gumshoe: But what does the missus think about that?
Boss: My better-half? What's she gonna say? What's any woman gonna say? She
ain't too keen on that. You can see that she don't care for the lad all that much; but you
know me, I wear the pants in my house - so I told 'er upfront: "Woman, he's an
honorable and dependable man; you gotta give the guy 'is due."
Gumshoe: Logical!

Scene II
Same, Charlie

Charlie: (entering by the back door) Boss, we gotta usher an arrest warrant for J im
the cobbler; he jus' won't come out for the drills tomorrow.
Boss: Well, why ain't he?
Charlie: He says he's sick. I sent the server three times to 'is house with the citation
and he turned 'im down every time. 'is mother says he cain't walk, that he barely got up
from yellow fever.
Gumshoe: Then he gotta get a medical certificate.
Charlie: I personally went to 'im myself. I go: "How come you say you ain't gonna
show up for the drills tomorrow?" He goes, "I'm sick, sergeant, I cain't hardly stand, I
cain't even make it to the store." I go, "I don't wanna know of any such reason without
motive." He goes, "I got witnesses, sir, I laid dying in bed for a month. You can ask
Father Zabava, from Elefterie Church," he goes, "he even got me confessed and read
me my last rites two days ago." I go, "I ain't got no fish to fry with Father Zabava. He
ain't on my list, you are. I want you out there ready for the drills tomorrow." So now we

must usher a warrant, to fetch 'im tomorrow morning.
Boss: We'll usher it, and you go grab 'im! I know this guy, he's one of the
reactionaries! He's pulled every trick in the book to dodge 'em drills.
Gumshoe: This guy J im is on my black list, too; he's Father J im's godson.
Boss: That splains it!
Charlie: Don't worry, he ain't gonna get my blessing... I'll make 'im get religion yet!
Also the server couldn't find J oe Leaks anywheres at all. He went to 'is house two days
in a row with the citation; he ain't been home three days runnin'!
Boss: That's that jewel of a brother-in-law of mine. Blame the day I set eyes on 'im!
Who knows in what pub he sunk!
Gumshoe: I saw 'im this mornin', he was walkin' by the city limits.
Charlie: I'll go and send the server with tomorrow' s citation. (Exits quickly.)
Gumshoe: He was drunk as a fiddler, this brother-in-law o yours.
Boss: See, that's the thing! Why do you think I disvorced Zena? He's rotten to the
bone! She just couldn't bear the sight of the hayseed no more, I'm tellin' you...
Gumshoe: Logical!
Boss: A pretty woman like that, a seamstress to boot, educated, three years of
private school, and what was she gonna do, waste 'er youth on a nobody!? In the
beginnin' I's still hopin'. I thought, well, he's young, he's gonna change, he's gonna get
'is head straight. Not a chance! Not this guy! Me, as the elder brother-in-law, that's
almost as good as a brother, right, I kept leanin' on 'er to be patient, give it a go, keep
'er family. The poor girl - hope she'll never be poor, either - she grinned and beared it for
as long as she could, until one day she stormed into my house yellin' at the top of 'er
voice: "Brother, I cain't go livin' with that clodhopper for love or money, rid me of the
one-horse businessman! I'd rather end my days in a nunnery than live under the same
roof with that guy!" Well, I pretty much figured it wasn't gonna work out, so I go, "Don't
worry about it, Zena, you'll find your shadow, gal. It ain't the end of the world! Now's
your time! There's fish in the water!" And right away I disvorced 'er. You tell me, what
kind of life was that? He wasn't mistreatin' 'er even with a kind word. I'm asking ya, what
kind of family is that when the man ain't romantic no more?
Gumshoe: I know whatcha talkin' about. Was me, wasn't it, who wrote 'im up the
night he indulged 'er with insults and battery.
(Charlie comes back.)
Boss: Now, you tell me, wasn't the woman right to dump 'im? He was a man without
ambition, chief, he didn't give a rat's tail about 'is familiar honor. What can I say, a
regular hayseed! And, dern it, he calls 'imself a businessman, too!
Charlie: Boss, you ain't forgot you gotta do your watch tonight! Youre gonna do it,
right?
Boss: What a question! Sure I ain't forgot! Why do you think I put myself in this
military trim for? Cain't you see?
Charlie: Boss, you're gonna cover the whole beat, right? It ain't that much... You'll be
back by two after midnight.
Boss: Yeah, about two after midnight as common... Charlie, pal, (pulls him aside)
keep your eyes open, eh... You know I got ambition when it comes down to my familiar
honor... When it comes right down to it... I get darn prickly about...
Boss: Don't worry about a thing, boss! We go back awhile, eh!


SCENE III
The same - Spiro (bringing a newspaper)

Boss: (to Spiro) Why didn't you take your sweet time, eh?
Spiro: There was lots of customers, boss, and I had to wait in line until the lady gave
me the newspaper.
(Gumshoe takes the newspaper from him.)
Boss: Listen up, Spiro, I'm warnin' ya. Better get your head out of your rear end, or
else I'll get the cat o' nine tails down from the hook; you know I just replaced its lead tip.
Don't you make me give it a grand openin' on your hide!
Spiro: What'd I do now, Boss?
Boss: That's all I'm gonna tell ya. Now run an' tell the missus to bring me my sword
and my belt. (Spiro leaves.) Charlie, lad, (takes him aside) your eyes open, eh? You
know I got ambition, I mean. I'm mighty particular about...
Charlie: Don't worry about a thing, Boss. You know how we, like, jibe about your
familiar honor.
Boss: That's why I'm tellin' you to keep your eyes peeled...
Charlie: Don't worry about a thing, Boss. I'm goin' to close the yard counter and the
store. (To Gumshoe who has been reading the paper avidly ever since Spiro brought it.)
Bonsoir, Don Nick!
Gumshoe: Same to you, sir.
(Charlie exits through the back door, after exchanging gestures of mutual
reassurance with Boss about the latter's family honor.)
Spiro: (coming from the right with the sword and the belt) There you go, Boss.
Boss: Hey, what was the lady doin'?
Spiro: She was sewin' the epaulets on Don Charlie's tunic.
Boss: What did she say?
Spiro: She said, why don't you come back sooner tonight, 'cause she gets awful
lonely all by 'erself in the house.
Boss: Ther's a scaredy-cat woman for you! (powerfully) What's Charlie here for?
Spiro: Boss, Don Charlie told me to close down soon as possible, 'cause you're
leavin' to do the nights rounds.
Boss: Go fetch the keys and give 'em to Charlie downstairs. (Spiro exits.) Don Nick,
didja hear how Charlie frets about my rounds? He always sweats I might forget the
regulations! The lad's got ambition, he wants our company to be top of the heap. Do you
think I'd've accepted the captainship of the company if they wouldn't've appointed 'im
sergeant? Do you have any idea how he's banged up the company? It's the best one
around, I'm tellin' you...
Gumshoe: Good for 'im!
Boss: He's fit for a decoration, he is!
Gumshoe: Why shouldn't he be? He is one of ours, one of us reg'lar folks...
Boss: Naturally. Them decorations are made of us reg'lar folks' sweat, right?
Gumshoe: Logical!
Spiro: (coming from the back door) It's all locked up, Boss. Now... can I go sleep?
Boss: Go ahead. Did you take your tobacco and paper along, too? You got

matches?
Spiro: What tobacco, boss?
Boss: You actin' dumb, eh? Like you didn't know what tobacco I'm talkin' about, eh?
You think I didn't get wind you're puffin' tobacco? Dog-gone it, Spiro, if I ever catch you
puffin', that poor cat o' nine tails is gonna get heavy duty tannin' your hide...
Spiro: I promise, Boss.
Boss: Get outta my face... (Spiro exits.) Hey! Tell Don Charlie not to forget what we
talked about... to keep 'is eyes peeled.
Spiro: (exiting) Sure thing, Boss.

SCENE IV
Gumshoe, Boss

Boss: (sitting on a chair) All right, let's see what the politics looks like today. Didja
read anythin'?
Gumshoe: That's a heck of a newspaper for you, sir. Them guys're on the
barricades!
Boss: Well, it ain't called "The Voice of the National Patriot" for nothin'! Go ahead!
Let's hear!
Gumshoe: (reads with difficulty without observing punctuation) "Bucharest,
December 15. Our friend and freelance reporter Rich Venturiano, a young democratic
writer whose asinine work our readers know only too well is sending us the following
preface to one of his books. We, therefore, give him the floor and warmly recommend to
the sovereign people his latest work entitled "The Republic versus the Reaction or the
Future versus the Past" as a must read. - Preface - The Romanian democracy or rather
the final goal of the Romanian democracy is to persuade its citizens that nobody can
shark his duties towards our fundamental pact, the pact that our sacred Constitution
solemnly imposes upon us."
Boss: Well said! He rips 'em out pretty savage.
Gumshoe: (trying to find his spot)... to shark... the sacred Constitution...
Boss: (a bit confused) What's that supposed to mean, shark it?
Gum shoe: Wait... he's gonna splain it... "The sacred Constitution and especially
those who belong to the popular masses..."
Boss: (confused) That's deep writing...
Gumshoe: No, it ain't deep at all. Don'cha get it? This is where he's headin'...
Nobody should be sharkin' like from the flesh of the people, guys like you and me,
'cause now we are popular. 'Cause we the people rule now!
Boss: (finally getting it) Now you're talkin'! Makes sense! Go ahead!
Gumshoe: J ust wait! Now comes the good stuff.
Boss: All right...
Gumshoe: (continuing to read) "... constitutes an unforgivable error, we might even
call it a crime..."
Boss: (in full agreement) He's tearing 'em apart, eh? Heck, yes! Him who sharks the
flesh of the people belongs in maximum security!
Gumshoe: (snapping the newspaper with the back of his hand) Why didja think he's
wastin' all this ink for, eh?

Boss: Go on, I like what I hear.
Gumshoe: "... we might even call it a crime. (speaking in an even sterner tone) No!...
despite the hysterical yells of the reactionaries, who are withering under the crushing
scorn of the public opinion; despite the howls of those who with brazen impertinence
proclaim themselves an organized opposition..."
Boss: (who had nodded approvingly at each and every stress in Gumshoe's
discourse, interrupts him enthusiastically) Hahaha! He got 'em big, right there!
Gumshoe: "...No! It's all in vain. We said it before and we'll say it again: Romania's
situation cannot be clarified; we'll even go as far as to say we'll never set out on the
path of real progress until we implement universal sufferage..." (Both are left very
confused.)
Boss: What's that supposed to mean?
Gumshoe: (after profound thinking) Oh! I get it! He's aimin' at the reactionaries, who
are bitin' the sovereign people's flesh, make 'em suffer... Ya know, sharks... sufferage...
Boss: Oh, I see where he's hintin'! Good for 'im! He hits the nail on the head!
Gumshoe: Guy's on the barricades, didn't I tell ya!
Boss: They don't call it "The Voice of the National Patriot" for nothin'!
Gumshoe: "...until we implement universal sufferage. That's all I had to say. Signed,
Rich Venturiano, law student and newspaper reporter."
(Gumshoe barely finishes reading when a loud argument is heard from the street,
right side.)
Man's voice: (from the outside) Over my dead body, lady! I swear!
Zena's voice: Clodhopper! Hayseed! Bum! Police! (both voices together) Don
Dumitrache!
(Boss and Gumshoe are both surprised.)
Boss: (listening) Let's go, Don Nick!
Gumshoe: Emergency! (Quickly folds the paper and takes the whistle out of belt
pocket. They both rush out through the back door, Gumshoe blowing of the whistle.)

SCENE V
Spiro: (alone, entering from right, rolling a cigarette) This boss of mine: bad news,
man! Them who nicknamed 'im The Hardhearted knew what they was talkin' about.
Why cain't he get off my back? I mean it! Thank God for the missus and Don Charlie...
They stand up for me sometimes or else, if they'd leave it to 'im, that devil would tan my
hide day in day out... Like a week yesterday, when he got back from the play with the
ladies he found me awake. He goes, "J ust great, Mr. Spiro! You're still up, eh? Would
you like me, maybe, to wake up and open the store tomorrow morning! You been up
puffin' tobacco, right?" "No way, Boss, I just didn't feel sleepy, is all." "You didn't feel
sleepy, eh? I'll give all the sleep you can carry!" I was lucky Don Charlie got me out of 'is
hands. He'd taken the cat o' nine tails down from the hook... Yesterday night he found
me sleepin'. He goes, "Oh, great, Mr. Spiro. You're sleepin', right? What do you care?
You've had your puff, now you're snoring! Ride it high on the gravy train!" I go, "Sorry,
Boss, but I just felt sleepy, that's all!" "Sleepy, eh! You're lording it, that's what it is.
(Lordin'it, right! You call lordin' wakin' up and goin' to sleep with the cat o' nine tails
every day! I wish the same sort o' lordin' on 'im!) You feel like sleepin'? Wait, I got the
right cure for it." And right there and then he grabbed me by the hair. But for the missus

who stood up for me and not a second too late, either, he woulda tore me to pieces. I
don't know what'd gotten into 'im, he was mad enough to eat nails! (A noise) Oops! He's
coming! (He quickly puts out the cigarette and hides it in his pocket.)

SCENE VI
Spiro, Zena (enters in an agitated state)

Zena: Can you believe the nerve the lowlife got! He had the guts to insult me!
Spiro: Oh, is that you, Mrs. Zena? I'm glad you came, 'cause I couldn't make it. I was
afraid Mr. Charlie was gonna tell the Boss that I went out at night...
Zena: (quickly) Well, did you find 'im? Did ya give it to 'im? Did ya tell 'im?
Spiro: I did, ma'am.
Zena: What did he say?
Spiro: "Merci!"
Zena: And what did you say?
Spiro: "Thass all right!"
Zena: Did'n ya tell 'im like I told ya to tell 'im?
Spiro: Oh, yes, I took 'im along to show 'im the house.
Zena: You didn't need to show 'im nothing, 'cause I wrote 'im in the note where to
come.
Spiro: That's what he wanted me to do, show 'im the house so's 'e can be sure he
comes to the right place... But jus' when I's crossin' the emmty lot with 'im I saw the
Boss down the street; so I left the person in question waitin' in the lot and I jumped the
back yard fence and ran back home, 'cause I was scared the Boss might see me, or
come back home and find me gone.
Zena: You, turnip! Don't you know that he is on duty tonight? He ain't coming back
until morning.
Spiro: Yeah, right, but if he'd found me in the street, would you 'a traded skins with
me?
Zena: All right, so is the person in question waiting on the emmty lot?
Spiro: Yep, and he gave me this note to give you.
Zena: (taking the note) And you've waited all this while to give it to me! Lemme see it!
(Goes to one side to read it.) "My shining angel! Ever since I saw you initially for the first
time, I've been robbed of the usage of my reasoning. (She places her hand over her
heart.) I love you to destruction! J e vous aime et vous adore; que pretendez-vous
encore!? My heart pulsates with adoration! I find myself in a picturesque and
clementciful situation, and how I suffer there is no art to tell. Oh, yes! You are the
sublime aurora that opens up the azure of the firmament into an infinite poetical
adoration of mysterious sighs, full of reverie and inspiration, which have prompted me to
compose for you the following annexed poem:
Lilies are candid,
And roses are splendid
Tulips are graceful from winter to fall
But you, my muse, are above them all.
Take pity and look at me
With my lyre at your knee."

(Blushes deeply, fans herself with the letter and paces the room agitatedly) Spiro, my
boy, go, run; he is waiting for you, I'm sure he is... Go, tell 'im to wait, I'm coming along
as soon as I've had a quick word with my sister.
Spiro: Cain't do it, ma'am, not until either Don Charlie or the missus says it's all right.
Zena: Where's Charlie?
Spiro: I don't know, somewhere out in the yard.
Zena: And my sister?
Spiro: She's sewin' in the other room. (Zena starts to leave by the left door when the
door opens and Vera comes in.) There's the missus.

SCENE VII
Same - Vera

Vera: (enters holding her sewing; she is sewing the epaulets on a sergeant's tunic;
she is tired and absent-minded, speaks slowly, almost inaudibly.) Who's here? (Sees
Zena.) Oh, was that you? I was wondering who it might be. (Walks by slowly and sits at
the table on the right still holding her sewing.)
Zena: It's me, sis. I need Spiro go over to my place and fetch me my overcoat. The
wind's up and I'm afraid I might catch a cold on my way back... (Silence. Vera is sitting
on the right sewing, deep in thought.) Well, are you gonna let 'im go, sis? (Comes near
her.)
Vera: What! Let who go?
Zena: Are you gonna let Spiro go get me something from my place?
Vera: Sure.
Zena: Go on, Spiro. (Spiro leaves after exchanging looks and gestures with Zena.)
Vera: But why have you come over, Zena?
Zena: Lemme tell you... But aren't you curious to know what's happened with my
clodhopper? It's a riot, I'm tellin' ya! The hayseed had the guts to pop up right in front of
me in the street to make a scene... Sis, I'm tellin' ya, you won't believe this! I was at
home just a while back. Auntie went to bed with the chickens as common. I was bored
to tears. The "Parisian Dramas", all the issues that come out so far, I already read 'em
three times over. So what was I gonna do? I got nothing to read. So I says to myself,
lemme go see sis. If she ain't gone to sleep yet, we'll have a chat. I pulled the bolt and
walked out into the street. But while I was crossin' the emmty lot I ran smack into the
clodhopper, the good-for-nothing Mr. Leaks. Bonsoir - Bonsoir, and then all of a sudden,
outta the blue, he goes: 'All right, lady, so are you better off now as a widow?' I go,
'Excuse me, sir, but I don't want to have to do nothing with you, and first of all I'm not a
widow, I'm just a free woman, I live my life the way I see fit. I answer to no one! Now's
my time; I'm in the prime of my life, no strings attached, I'm fully independent, and if I
feel like it, my brother-in-law can find me a more honorable husband than you.' 'I'm
afraid you'll live to regret it!' I go, 'Ex-cuuse me, sir, but I will not allow you to go on
insulting me, understand?' He goes...
Vera: (cutting her short) Zena, what's it mean when your right temple throbs?
Zena: Good news comin' your way.
Vera: Good news? To me? I don't think so.
Zena: Why not?

Vera: What about the left temple?
Zena: You make up with someone you had a fight with.
Vera: (raising her eyes with interest) Really? (shrugging) Who can I make up with if I
ain't had a fight with no one?
Zena: Where was I... I says to the hayseed... Oh, sis, you shoulda seen how sloshed
he was... I hear he been hittin' the bottle real hard lately. Oh, sis, ma chere, thank God
I'm rid of the kind of life I had with that yokel! Livin' with a hick like that wasn't fit for a
quality person like me... He was too ornery for me; I'm a delicate person. Thank
goodness I'm free! As I was saying... I says to the clodhopper, I go, "Ex-cuuse me, but I
will not allow you to go on insulting me." He goes, "You think you gonna get married,
lady? Maybe I will and maybe I won't. All I know is I'll do what suits me!" "Get married,
eh? Not as long as J oe Leaks is alive, you won't! You figured I'll let you hitch up with
some other guy? I feel sorry for the poor numskull... But I'd rather strangle 'im than let
this happen. Weren't you blabberin' in court that you're gonna go to a nunnery, eh?"
"You hick! You bumkin! Police! Brother!" I was lucky, sis, really lucky that Don
Dumitrache and Don Nick rushed outta the house 'cause the yokel had pulled out the
knife from his cane to suicide me... Well, what do you think about the nerve the hayseed
got? (Veta does not answer. Zena comes near her and observes her.) Sis! What's the
matter? Are you cryin'?
Vera: (wiping her eyes) Me? Why should I cry? I just have a headache. I'm not feelin'
that good.
Zena: Your eyes are awful red...
Vera: I don't know what's come over me. I think I'm comin' down with the chills or
somethin'.
Zena: Is brother on duty tonight?
Vera: Yes. (Starts sewing again.) Are you gonna stick around, Zena?
Zena: No, sis. I'm turnin' in, too. It must be late.
Spiro: (comes in and passes quickly by Zena) Ma'am! (whispers) I been waitin' so far
for nothin'. I hunted 'im all over the place, on the emmty lot, down the street... I cain't
find 'im nowheres.
Zena: (whispers) What about the note, did you give it to 'im?
Spiro: You forgot? I gave it to 'im when the Boss sent me to the tobacco shop. (Exits
right.)
Zena: All right. (to Vera) Well, sis I'm leavin', bonsoir, alevoir. Why don't you put that
work aside and go to bed, if you're feelin' sick.
Vera: I don't care if I'm sick! (forces laughter) Might as well die for all I care!
Zena: Goodness gracious! What kind of talk is this? Are you feelin' that bad? Let's
send for brother.
Vera: Are you outta your mind! Can't you see I'm kiddin'? It's only a headache; didn't
I just tell ya? I worked too long in the candle light. (She shivers.) I also musta sat in a
cold draught by the window, or somethin'... I'll be all right if I get some sleep.
Zena: Then alevoir, bonsoir, sis. Ah! it jus' about slipped my mind. I'll see you
tomorrow, right? It's a holiday, remember... Let's ask brother to take us to "The Union
Gardens".
Vera: (quickly) "The Union Gardens"? Sorry, Zena, I'm not going to the gardens no
more.

Zena: Why not?
Vera: Why, indeed... Because it ain't no fun for me, I don't get those comedies... I
don't know! I just don't feel like going, that's all.
Zena: Oh, come on, sis, give me a break! Like we was goin' to the gardens for the
theater! We go to see some faces. How many of 'em folks goin' there understand the
first thing about theater anyways? They just go out for the heck of it, to have some fun.
Why shouldn't we go, too?
Vera: You're wastin' your breath. I'm tellin' you I just don't wanna go no more.
Zena: Please, sis, really. I'll do all the talkin' to brother, eh?
Vera: No, I told you once and for all. I don't care to go and he don't either. He told me
so this very morning. You're wastin' your breath.
Zena: Come, sis, please, pretty please!
Vera: Zena, I just won't. You know me, once I made up my mind, it's over.
Zena: So, you won't go, eh?
Vera: I won't.
Zena: (increasingly angry) You won't, eh?
Vera: I will not.
Zena: (bursts into tears) Dern this wretched life of mine! Why was I born outta luck?
(is leaving) I never ever hardly had a shoulder to cry on my whole entire life! (Exits
crying and slams door backstage - Spiro enters right.)

SCENE VIII
Spiro, Vera

Vera: (Sets the tunic down.) Spiro, why're you still lingerin' around, lad? You got
anythin' else to do?
Spiro: No, ma'am.
Vera: Then why don't you go to sleep, eh? What're you still up for? Where's Mr.
Charlie?
Spiro: He's down in the yard; I saw 'im sittin' on the bench at the gate. But I don't
know what's eatin' 'im, lady... He is jaw-fallen...
Vera: Who knows what worries he may've gotten.
Spiro: He was down in the mouth; he was walkin' about like a tiger for over one hour;
when I jus' 'appened to pass by he was moseyin' around, talkin' to 'imself and beatin' 'is
breast...
Vera: Maybe he's got something on his mind, who knows! Remind 'im to lock the
gate. I'm done sewin' on his epaulets; here's the tunic, give it back to 'im.
Spiro: All right, ma'am. (is about to exit holding the tunic)
Vera: Also, tell 'im... Better not; better go straight to sleep, don't come back here. If
the boss happens to come back outta the blue and finds you're still up, you'll be up a
stump again.
Spiro: (aside) Right, like if he'd found me asleep I wouldn't!
Vera: Go ahead!
Spiro: I'm goin'. Good night, ma'am!
Vera: Good night, Spiro. (Spiro exits.) Good night, indeed!... Poor Spiro! He got no
way of knowing what's in my heart, how his words mock me! Good night! Right! (Walks

slowly to the window to the right of the back door, looks outside then comes back deep
in thought.) Well, can't force love down a body's throat! He's had enough, it's run its
course... All right, I'll survive! Maybe it's better this way... Ah! Why does God give us
happiness in the first place if he knows he's gonna take it away? Why don't we die
happy? Why did I have to drink this cup? (Weeps; a noise is heard.) He's coming.
(Quickly wipes her eyes and turns to leave.) No more! I'm through being a love-sick fool.
Can't force love down anybody's throat! (She starts towards the left exit when Charlie
walks in; he stops at the door. Vera remains standing. Silence.)

SCENE IX
Charlie, Vera, then, offstage, Boss Dumitrache and Gumshoe.

Charlie: Ya wanned to see me?
Vera: Me?... No.
Charlie: Spiro just told me that...
Vera: Yes, I told Spiro to give you the tunic. I'm done workin' on it.
Charlie: Thank you.
Vera: You're welcome.
(pause)
Charlie: The gate... I locked it.
Vera: All right. (Turns her face towards the audience; appears moved.)
Charlie: Anything else to order?
Vera: What! Me order you?
Charlie: Sure you order me. Ain't I a paid servant in your house?
Vera: (turns to Charlie) All right, go on, Mr. Charles, pile it on! As if you didn't pile
quite enough already!
Charlie: Feelin' better this way?
Vera: (taking one step away from him towards front stage) Yes!
Charlie: Are you proud of what you did?
Vera: I am not aware of havin' done anythin' at all; but, no, I cain't say that I'm sorry
that this thing took such a turn!
(pause)
Charlie: (coming closer) Are you goin' to "The Union Gardens" again tonight?
Vera: If the husband decides we go, I have no choice but to go, naturally.
Charlie: So you can make goo-goo eyes at you pencil-pusher, right?
Vera: (starting and turning to stare him full in the face) Sir, I asked you before to be
kind enough not to accuse me of this. If after all this time you still don't know me, that's
too bad. I thought you were smarter than that, but that was another mistake o' mine!
Charlie: (Hesitates then comes a bit closer.) Swear to me one more time!
Vera: Swear? Me? One more time? Didn't I already swear? Didn't I shed tears? And
what power o' good did it ever do me? I won't swear, because you won't believe me
anyway. I cried until my tears ran dry... But, you know it's not your fault... it's mine... I
shouldn't've tied my life to a child like you... That's why I come to believe that this is all
for the best. This would've had to be over sooner or later. Well, it's over now...
Charlie: Swear to me one more time and...
Vera: (losing control) Much good will that do me! You trust my husband's suspicions

and nonsense more than my word, and I reckon by now you shoulda known better
about me and about him. But... you did the right thing not believing me. You're right
about everything you said. I'm an evil woman. I only wanted to mock you. I make you
stay home like a paid servant to watch over the house while I drag the husband to the
summer gardens to meet my lovers. I got a cheating heart; I was lying when I said that I
didn't know what life meant before I met you... You're right when you say that all my
actions were just make-believe... Right, too, that my words and thoughts were never
one; I been lyin' to you, I been leadin' you on, I been mockin' you for such a long time...
Well, aren't you happy that finally you opened your eyes and saw who I really am? See,
it's true that I hurt you for a while, but now you're finally rid of me. What's gone is gone...
Bonsoir! (Wants to exit left.)
Charlie: (coming one step closer to her) Are you leavin'?
Vera: What good would it do if I stayed? What is there left between me and you, sir?
Charlie: Stop calling me sir.
Vera: What would you wish me to call you?
Charlie: Whatever you called me until yesterday.
Vera: That was then, this is now! (Starts walking towards the door.)
Charlie: (blocking her way) And you don't want the good days to return?
Vera: (Takes one more step, avoiding him to the right.) No.
Charlie: (coming closer) Vera!
Vera: No, leave me... What good is all the happiness I had in one year if I drown it in
tears in one day? No, I can't take this any more; I'd rather be the way I am now...
Charlie: And me... What am I s'pposed to do?
Vera: Whatever I am doing... What's done can be undone; or haven't you heard!
Charlie: Undone!? Easier said than done. You gouge a poor guy's eyes out and then
tell 'im, it's o.k., you're gonna be all right even without your sight... you're better off this
way! It ain't gonna kill you!... What's done can be undone! But what if I don't wanna live
like this!... What am I s'pposed to do, lay down and die?
Vera: Well, wouldn't it be nice if we could die on cue! But people don't die of this...
Charlie: But what if I die? (Rushes and snatches away the bayonet from the rifle.) Do
you see this bayonet?
Vera: (Runs to him and tries to take it away). Charlie!
Charlie: (struggling with her) Get away from me!... Let go!...
Vera: (struggling) I won't! I know the kind of man you are! I won't let go! I don't wanna
be the cause of your death.
Charlie: Let go of it! Let go! (They struggle.)
Vera: (desperately) Charlie ! (choking) If you want to kill yourself, you'll have to kill
me first! (Struggles as hard as she can.) Charlie!... Do you have no pity on me? A
whole year's 'appenings forgotten in one day?... Charlie!...
Charlie: It's precisely because I ain't forgotten a thing that I wanna die. If everything
between us is over, tell me, how can I go on livin'? If you dump me, if you don't need me
any more, I'm good as dead anyways; So you'd better let go. I'ma say good bye to this
life! (He tries to struggle free.) Let go!
Vera: (holding him tight) Charlie! Do you want me to call for help? Are you outta your
mind?
Charlie: Yes, I'm outta my mind! Sure I am outta my mind. You're the one who drove

me into this state. You're the one who'll answer for it. Did you ever wonder about all the
questions, about all the fire that burned my soul?
Vera: Did you ever wonder about mine?
Charlie: I lost all interest in life, I don't even know who I am any more! A few
moments ago I wanted to kill myself out there in the yard, but I saw your shadow
through the curtain in the window, and I just wanted to see you one last time. At least I'll
die at your side the way we lived. (After saying this he quiets down a little.)
Vera: Charlie, listen to me. A few moments ago you asked me to swear one more
time. If I do, will you believe me this time?
Charlie: I will.
Vera: (quickly) My dear Charlie, I swear upon the use of my eyes, upon your life.
Wish I may never live another happy day with you - there, what more can I say - if any
of the husband's fish tales are true.
Charlie: Why did you go to the gardens?
Vera: I went because of my sister's naggin'. The crowds were so large, we couldn't
hardly find a place to set; the music was blarin', and they had one of those comedies
playin'. I heard nothin', I saw nothin'. All night through, with all that ruckus around me, I
thought of you only. It was like I was asleep and dreamin'... I just knew that I was in for
some sort of big-time trouble. I'd had an omen in the mornin': I'd spilled over the candle
holder. The husband, when he saw me getting all upset over it, he goes, "So what if you
spilled it! Stop believin in this nonsense. What's gonna happen, eh? Lumberyard's
gonna burn down? Let it burn! Ain't the end of the world! It's insured! No problem!" So,
first I'd spilled the candle cup; then my right eye'd been throbbin' for three days. I'd left
you at home cleanin' your gun; you remember, a bullet was stuck inside, all rusted, and
you'd begun to pull it out with a rod. I couldn't take my mind off that rifle. I's thinkin': what
if - God forbid! what if that rifle goes off in 'is hand! What am I gonna do if I come
home and find 'im lyin' dead! Why didn't I tell 'im to be careful? Why didn't I make sure 'e
left that darn rifle be! Why did I leave home? I swear that's how I wrestled with my
thoughts all night long. I didn't see, I swear, I did not see a thing, I did not hear a thing!
I'll swear on all that's dear to me; do you believe me?
Charlie: (completely convinced) I believe you! (He throws bayonet away and
embraces Vera.)
Vera: (holding him tight) Charlie! (They remain embraced for a short while in silence.)
Charlie, if you ever put me through this hell again, it will be the end of me... Really!
You're killin' me...
Charlie: I won't. I won't.
Vera: You promise me? You swear it to me?
Charlie: I do.
Vera: And will you believe me when I tell you that I think only of you?
Charlie: I will.
Vera: That I live only for you?
Charlie: I will.
Vera: And you won't say them harsh words to me again?
Charlie: I won't.
Vera: And you won't make me cry again?
Charlie: I won't. I won't. But do you forgive me?

Vera: I do, but how about you?
Charlie: I forgave you long ago. (They give each other a healthy hug.)
Boss: (from the outside, under the window) Charlie! Charlie! (The two lovers freeze
and listen.)
Vera: Oops! The husband...
Charlie: (Quickly, without letting go of Vera, walks to the window.) Don't worry about
a thing. He's just on 'is way to the Marmizon part of 'is beat... (to Boss, through the
window.) Is that you, Boss?
Boss: (from the outside) Hey, Charlie, you aint gone to sleep yet, lad?
Charlie: Not yet, Boss. In a short while.
Boss: (from outside) Sleep tight.
Gumshoe: (also from outside) Sweet dreams, honorable sir.
Boss: (His voice is fading away.) Charlie, lad, don't forget what we talked about, eh?
Keep your eyes peeled: you know how I'm mighty particular about...
Charlie: (holding Vera closer) Don't worry, Boss, you know we jibe when it comes to
your familiar honor...
(Curtain)

ACT II
Same room. A gas lamp is burning on the table.

SCENE I
Vera, Charlie

Vera: Really, honey, go to sleep. I mean it; let's be wise, it's almost eleven... Who
knows, he may turn up just like that, outta the blue!
Charlie: No way! He's got at least two hours of chasin' 'is tail. Ain't no way he's
comin' back so soon!
Vera: You never know! Better safe than sorry, you know.
Charlie: Don't worry, honey. Trust me, he ain't comin' back any time soon; don't you
see, he's got to go all the way to Cotroceni and back! You know how he dawdles on the
way.
Vera: All right, but I wouldn't mind gettin' some sleep, too. Really, I'm dog-tired. Do
you realize I ain't batted an eyelid since we quarreled yesterday!
Charlie: Well, you think that maybe I did, eh?
Vera: Well, more's the reason to give me one more kiss, then go to sleep.
Tomorrow's drill day; did you forget you have to wake up before sunrise?
Charlie: You're right about that. How could I forget? Tomorrow I gotta wake up at
four. I'm takin' the town server and two men from my company along to go arrest J im
the cobbler from St. Elefterius.
Vera: But his wife, Safta, told me he's down with yellow fever.
Charlie: What do I care about 'is fevers? I ain't the one that's sick. Ain't my problem. I
got 'im on my list, he's got to show 'is tail for the drills.
Vera: (staring as if she heard a noise) Hush! (Listens.) I could swear I heard
someone at the gate. Please, Charlie, one last kiss, then go to sleep.
Charlie: (Kisses her.) Are you going to "Union Gardens" again?
Vera: No, cross my heart and hope to die I ain't goin'. Not without you... But, how
about you... Are you gonna remember what you promised me? That you'll never ruffle
me like that again?
Charlie: Never again. (Kisses her, hugs her and leaves.) Bonsoir! (Turns around to
repeat the game and then exits back stage left.)
Vera: (alone, hums quietly, approaching the table)
Twinkle, twinkle, stars above
Shine my bosom full with love
And send tender happiness
To fill my soul with sweet caress.
(She hums more and more quietly) Must be after midnight... Time I went to bed... I'm
dead tired! Can barely keep my eyes open... (Sits at the table, opens a photo album and
sees Charlie's portrait.) Ah! Charlie! (Hums the first stanza out of G. Sion's "Portrait".)
If you're troubled or you're blue
Let my portrait speak to you
Of my suffering and bliss.
We are together in this.


SCENE II
Vera and Rich Venturiano, then Boss and Gumshoe outside

Rich: (Enters, stops on the doorstep, sees Vera from behind, takes a deep breath,
places his hand over his heart and advances on tiptoes to the back of her chair; drops
to his knees and begins forcefully.) Radiant angel!
Vera: (Utters a cry, runs to the other side of the stage crossing herself and crossing
the fingers of both hands.) Oh!
Rich: Radiant angel! As I had the honor of communicating in my previous epistle,
ever since I saw you initially for the first time I've been robbed of the usage of my
reasoning. Oh, yes, I'm possessed...
Vera: Possessed! (shouting) Help! Charlie! Spiro!
Rich: Do not shout, lady, be clemenciful! (Crawls one step closer on his knees.) I'm
possessed with love. Yes, my brow is burning, my temples palpitate, I suffer unlimitedly,
it's like I've gone bonkers!
Vera: Bonkers! Sir, stop right where you are and answer me, or else I'll start hollerin'.
Who are you, and what business you got at this time of night in decent folks' home?
Rich: (Stands and approaches her, cutting her off.) Who am I? You're asking me who
I am? I'm a youthful and distraught young man who suffers unlimitedly and loves to
destruction.
Vera: So what do I care! (after some thinking) Goodness, he must be some sort of a
thief or 'nuther: he somehow found out that the husband ain't home and he's now tryin'
to rob us. (shouting loudly) Charlie! Spiro! Help! Thief!
Rich: (J oins his hands in prayer.) Don't shout! Please don't shout! Be clemenciful!
You asked me to tell you who I am. I just did. You inquire as to the business I have
here... Ingrate! Wasn't it you who wrote to me in your own facsimile hand?
Vera: I did?
Rich: Yes! (Stands.) Didn't you write to me to come in without fear after ten o'clock at
9 Catilina Street when I see the lamp in the window burning low? Well, here I am! I
transported myself here to repeat one more time that I love you the way a slave loves
light and a blind man freedom.
Vera: No kiddin', mister, you are moon-struck! You gotta be sleepwalkin'! I wrote you
a letter, you say? That's one too many for me! Do you know who you're talkin' to?
Rich: Sure I do! All your protestations are in vain. You love me, too, stop playing
hard to get! I knew it ever since I lay eyes on you that night when we first met at the
"Union Gardens".
Vera: At the "Union Gardens"? (Thinks hard.)
Rich: Oh, yes. Ever since our paths crossed that night, I read into your sublime eyes
that you were corresponding to my love. I followed you that very night all the way to the
Cat House. I sensed right away that your clodhopper of a brother-in-law was on to us.
He knew I was following you; also my courage to adventure onto a street that wasn't
properly lit by gas deserted me, so I returned back since I was afraid I might get into
some trouble with the clodhopper. Two nights ago love breathed courage into my heart
again; I followed you step by step to these slums, all the way to the corner of the street;
but before I could clearly see where you reside, I was cut off by a pack of dogs. After I
found out that you live here I took my wooing to indescribable heights and I gathered

some intelligence from the lad who works at your brother-in-law's lumberyard leading to
how you were staying with your family. I also found out that you are now a free woman,
and, in a moment of inspiration, I wrote you my first epistle. You received it, responded
by inviting me to come over, and here I am... to tell you once more that (falls to his
knees again) come what may, I'll never tire of saying it over and over again: you are the
aurora that opens up the starry firmament to a poetical adoration... (Stops his tirade only
when Vera interrupts him by bursting into laughter.)
Vera: Ha! Ha! Ha! Now I get it! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Rich: Are you now laughing at my adoration, heartless one?
Vera: Well, blame it, how could I not laugh? Sure I'm laughin'! Do you know, my good
man, who you're talkin' to? Do you know who I am?
Rich: Of course I do! You're the cherub of my dreams, you're the star, I might say the
glittering Venus that shines in the nefarious night of my existence, you are...
Vera: (Who passes towards the lamp, turns the light up and positions herself so that
the light fully illuminates her.) Really? Take a good look! (Laughs.)
Rich: (Very embarrassed, stands up and stumbles backwards.) Oops! Ma'am, please
forgive me! I'm really sorry! Lady! Considering that... I mean, what I'd like to say is...
Sorry!... I beg your pardon... I mean believing that... and under the impression of... I'm
really sorry... Behind...
Vera: (laughing) Well, sorry behind's the word... But if you care for the integrity of
your own skin, take off right away, leave this house on the double, or else, God forbid, if
my husband bumps into you here... (meaningfully) The clodhopper... remember?...
Rich: Forgive me... Sorry...
Vera: Then I swear I don't know what's gonna be left of you. My husband is inflicted
with native jealousy to a high degree and is capable of bein' able even to kill you.
Rich: (frightened) Kill me!
Vera: You already kinda pushed your luck two nights ago when the dogs cut you off
before you came into our street. My husband'd gone upstairs and 'ad waked Charlie
up...
Rich: Charlie!
Vera: Yes, our store manager... and they both got out, one through the front gate, the
other one across the emmty lot to catch you in the street. To top it all, Charlie'd taken 'is
levolver with 'im; you'd scampered away before they got out...
Rich: The levorver!... Lady, please allow me to get out of here urgently...
Vera: Now, that's a good one! It's like, am I keepin' you here or something? Go!
There's the door. Take off as fast as you can, and watch out you don't run into the
husband, 'cause he's due back home any minute now. Walk across the emmty lot and
go down towards Antim Street. And see that my husband don't lay eyes on you, 'cause
he now knows you, and if he as much as catches a glimpse o' you, I promise you're
road-kill!
Rich: Road-kill! (Wants to leave, then changes his mind and comes back.) Ma'am, I'll
just say this: you're a venerable lady; I'll take this opportunity to beg you (very glibly) to
accept the confession of my highest esteem and of my profoundest respect with which I
declare myself yours truly, Rich Venturiano, archivist at the Municipal Court, Yellow
District, lyrical poet, reporter at "The Voice of the National Patriot" daily, author and law
student.

Vera: Law-raw what do I care! Take off now if you ain't lookin' for some sort of
ruckus...
Rich: Ma'am, absolutely not. I'm an educated youth and ruckus is the last thing on
my mind.
Vera: Then, go! What're you dawdlin' here for?
Rich: I'm going; Sorry! Pardon! Bonsoir!
Vera: Let's go! (She sees him off to the door. When she is about to open the door to
let him out, Boss's voice is heard outside in the yard. Rich and Vera return frightened.)
Boss: (outside in the yard) I'm tellin' ya I saw 'is head through the window. He's here
in the house. Charlie! Spiro!
Vera: Mister! Sir! You messed me up big time and as far as you're concerned it's the
end o' you! Run, run before they do you in!
Rich: Goodness! (Rushes to the door.)
Vera: (Stops him.) Not that way!
Boss: (outside) Bet my whiskers this loser'll get more than he bargained for, or your
money back!
Gumshoe: (outside too) Logical! (fast footsteps climbing the stairs)
Rich: (desperately) Ma'am, lady! Let your heart bleed for a Romanian youth in the
spring of his existence! Barely twenty-five rosebuds and a half turning twenty-six on St
Andrew's Day... Save me!
Vera: I'd love to... But how? Ah! The window! Get out fast, walk gingerly along the
scaffold all the way to the left. There's a ladder next to the main beam. If you climb
down you'll be near a gate that opens onto an emmty lot... Run for your life!...
Rich: (Gets out of the window and hits his head against the wall and flattens his hat)
Sorry! Pardon! Bonsoir! (He disappears out of the window while the footsteps are
drawing near.)

SCENE III
Vera alone, then Boss and Gumshoe
Vera: He got away, poor thing... What a riot! God forbid Charlie found 'im here!
He'd've killed 'im! Can you believe what a tricky sort my sister is! That's why she kept
pesterin' me about beatin' a path to the theater; she was in love. And me, like a ninny,
didn't have a clue. Plus the hell I had to go through with Charlie... And all that because
of this monzoor... I'm glad he got away, though, poor devil. He must be kickin' up a
cloud of dust right now, crossin' Beaver's emmty lot. (Goes to the table and sits down
pretending she is sewing. The back door opens and Boss and Gumshoe enter furiously,
their sword drawn.)
Boss: (Advances dramatically.) Lady! Who was here just now? (Gumshoe searches
the place, looks under the bed, under the table, everywhere.)
Vera: Who do you mean?
Boss: (boiling) Who do I mean? How do I know? If I knew I wouldn't be askin'.
Gumshoe: Logical! (Keeps searching.)
Vera: You're somethin' else, you know! What's gotten into you! Look at you, burstin'
in with your sword drawn like you was leadin' the charge, or somethin'!
Boss: Don't laugh, lady, not when I'm hurt in what's dearest to my heart. Don't laugh.
Go to your room, lady! Why ain't you gone to sleep yet?

Vera: Are you all right!? J ust listen to you rantin' and ravin', why ain't I gone to sleep.
Because I wasn't sleepy, that's why. What would you like me to do, go to sleep and
leave my sewin'? Tomorrow's a holy day and I gotta get ready for church.
Gumshoe: Logical!
Boss: Go to your room, lady, we got business to do here. Go right away. (Walks
about nervously, shouting.) Spiro! Charlie! Spiro! Charlie! (to Vera) Bad move, lady!
Vera: Bad move? What are you ramblin' about? What did I do?
Boss: You know darn well what you done! Blood's gonna flow lady, and it's all gonna
be on your hands. (somberly) 'Cause I'm about to go off the deep end, lady, I don't care
if they take me straight to maximum security!
Vera: You're outta your mind! (aside) I got nothin' to fear now!
Boss: (very dramatically) Go, lady, and don't you dare laugh!
Vera: All right, I'm goin'. (She exits laughing left, front stage)

SCENE IV
Boss, Gumshoe then Spiro

Boss: You know (Emotion chokes him.), I'm tryin' my damnedest to hold my temper, I
mean I'm talkin' mysteriously to 'er, I mean I don't wanna go public like, 'cause I don't
wanna embarrass 'er.
Gumshoe: Logical!
Boss: You know how she is...
Gumshoe: Ma'am Vera? Tell me about it... Bashful, I know...
Boss: (pacing nervously) You mean I can't lay my hands on that bum in my own
house? He ain't got no other way out; there's only one stairway into this house.
(shouting) Spiro! Charlie! Charlie! Spiro!
Spiro: (Enters right, his hair standing, still dizzy with sleep.) Order, Boss!
Boss: Order, eh? I'll show you order! (Grabs him by the hair.)
Gumshoe: All right! Go for it! Let 'im have it!
Boss: Didn't we have an understandin', Monzoor Spiro, my good lad, that I wasn't
gonna find you sleepin' when I get back home? Ya want order? Here's order for you!
Here's some more orders! That'll cure you of nappin'!
Spiro: Ouch! Boss, ouch! That hurts! What'd I do now, Boss, what's wrong with goin'
to sleep?
Gumshoe: (sternly to Spiro) Why aren't present at the roll-call?
Spiro: Ouch! (He sobs.)
Boss: Quiet! Where's Charlie?
Spiro: (running into a corner) I dunno...
Boss: (lunges at him; Spiro scampers away) So all you know how to do is eat and
sleep, right?
Spiro: He's asleep in 'is room, Boss.
Boss: Asleep, eh? You're all asleep, right? I hope you never wake up, either! All you
guys do is eat me outta my house and home! Go fetch Charlie. Run!
Gumshoe: (to Spiro, stamping his foot) On the double! (Spiro scampers left.)
Boss: Charlie! Charlie! I'm burnin' here and alla them're snorin'! I burn for my familiar
honor and all they care about is sleepin'... Charlie!

SCENE V
The same - Charlie then Spiro

Charlie: (rubbing his eyes, in his night gown, comes from left, still half asleep) What's
the matter, Boss? Burnin'? What's burnin'?
Boss: (Grabs him by the hand and pulls him along front stage.) Charlie! (decisively)
I'm ruined! I'm finished!
Charlie: Why?
Boss: Ambition's gone!
Charlie: Whaddaya mean?
Boss: My most precious...
Charlie: What?
Boss: My familiar honor been totlly tarnished.
Charlie: No way! You seein' things again!
Boss: I seen it with my own eyes!
Charlie: You pulled the same stunt two nights ago. You just make things up!
Boss: Charlie, I got Don Nick here as my witness!
Gumshoe: (gravely) I approve positively.
Charlie: (fully awake now) When? How? Where? Who?
Boss: The bum 'imself!
Charlie: You kiddin' me!
Boss: The emmty-pockets, Charlie, lad, I seen 'im from the street here inside the
house... all complete with 'is glasses astride 'is nose and 'is top hat perched on 'is head.
Gumshoe: Ibidem! Same identical here!
Charlie: Here, inside the house? Don't push me over the brink here, Boss!
Spiro: Glasses? Top hat? This is Miss Zena's man. (Sneaks out by the back door.)
Boss: I seen 'im with these eyes of mine and there ain't no way he got away, either.
There ain't no other way out! I came up the stairs with Don Nick, so I woulda bumped
smack into 'im. He must be hidin' here in the house somewhere. We gotta find 'im.
(Exits right.)
Charlie: (beating his breast) Leave it all to me, Boss.
Gumshoe: (who is standing near the window on the left) Sorry to tell you, gents, but
this window opens onto the scaffold, and the scaffold goes all the way to the main
beam.
(Boss enters and then exists left, searching.)
Charlie: Right.
Gumshoe: Well, you got a ladder there, don't you? If he walked outta this window
here, he's gone, he's flown the coop through Beaver's lot.
Charlie: Eh-eh! No way he made it to the ladder. The scaffold goes only to the barn
attic. We ain't finished the attic floor all the way across, and the scaffold stops way short
of the main beam... plus, the ladder's on the other side of the beam.
Boss: (Returns from the left, despondently.) My ambition's gone, my life ain't worth a
mouthful of ashes no more. Now, come what may, I don't give a dang if I end up in
maximum security. (Searches around, spots the cane Rich left on the floor, near the
chair where he knelt at the entrance. Charlie and Gumshoe are also searching right and
left.) Charlie! Lad! Take a look at this! (Points to the cane.) Ya still think I'm seein'

things, eh?
Charlie: (Rushes and grabs the rifle that now has the bayonet on.) Boss, you wanna
nab 'im? Follow me! Don Nick, stay right behind us! Spiro's room opens up onto the
staircase. He couldn'ta run away down the stairs because that's the way you came up.
He slipped out on the scaffold. He must be hidin' in the barn attic at the end of the main
roof beam. Stay right behind me! I'll get my hands on 'im dead or alive, so help me!
(They are about to go out of the window.)

SCENE VI
Same, Vera (entering from the left)

Vera: What on earth's goin' on here?
Charlie: (forcefully to her) Lady, I swear I'll get this guy dead or alive!
Boss: (same) Yes, lady, dead or alive.
Gumshoe: (same) Absolutely!
Charlie: Let's getta move on, Boss! Let's go, Don Nick! (He wants to rush out of the
window, rifle in hand.)
Vera: (Runs and blocks the window.) Have you all lost your minds? Do you want that
scaffold to give way under your feet? Charlie, you forgot the scaffold's been abandoned
for over three weeks? You wanna fall to your death, is that what you want?
Charlie: Let us through, lady! (He struggles to push her aside, she holds her ground.)
Boss: (same) Let us go, lady!
Gumshoe: (same) With your permission!
Vera: (to Charlie) Are you fallin' for one of his wild stunts again? You forgot what...
Boss: Some stunt, indeed! With glasses astride 'is nose and a top hat perched on 'is
head!
Charlie: (Struggles with Vera.) Let me through, lady! (Breaks away from her and
exits through the window.)
Vera: (Hesitates, then drops onto the chair.) Charlie!
Boss: Go ahead, Charlie! Come along, Don Nick! (Climbs out through the window,
Gumshoe follows him.)
Vera: (Staggers to her feet, pokes her head out of the window) Charlie! Charlie!
Careful! Watch your step!

SCENE VII
Vera, Zena

Zena: (Enters quickly through the back door.) Sis, what's 'appenin', what's the
matter? Spiro just told me...
Vera: Zena, Zena, you're gettin' me into all sorts of hot water, you are. You dragged
me to the "Union Gardens", you strung that clerk along, you got me into all kinds of grief
with Charlie...
Zena: With Charlie?
Vera: (backtracking) With the husband, with Charlie, with everybody; you sent this
guy word to come see you and he ended up here instead of your place.
Zena: So?

Vera: So when I was about to send 'im home through the door, we heard the
husband and Don Nick yellin' their heads off...
Zena: Then what?
Vera: I got 'im off the hook through the window, I helped 'im get away down the
scaffold, to make it to the roof beam and out through the gate to the emmty lot.
Zena: (stricken with panic) The gate to the emmty lot!
Vera: Yes, because if he'd taken the stairs he woulda bumped right into the hubbie.
Zena: Sis, per l'amour di Dieu! The gate leadin' to the emmty lot is locked; I wanted
to use it just now, to take the shortcut here, and I ended up havin' to go back out into the
street and use the main gate.
Vera: Locked? And the fence is seven feet high! Then the person in question
couldn'ta gotten away! Zena! Zena! He is in a heck of a pickle, he is! The husband's all
worked-up and Charlie was like mad!
Zena: Good Lord! My sweetheart! They'll butcher my honey!
Vera: Charlie's took his rifle with the bayonet on, and the husband had his sword
out...
Zena: Please, no more! Cain't take this no more! (A noise is heard of wooden planks
falling.)
Vera: Quiet! (Both listen.)
Boss: (from the outside) Watch out on your end, Charlie!
Gumshoe: (from the outside) Hold it right there! In the name of the Constitution!
Vera: (horrified) They got 'im!
Zena: (same) Oh! I'm dyin'!
Vera: They're all down in the yard. Let's run there. You got us into this fine pickle, you
get us out! Let's go save the poor guy's life.
Zena: Let's! (They are both about to leave by the back door; when they are on the
doorstep they hear more noise and shouts.)
Boss's voice: Stick to it, Charlie! (Noise, shouts and a shotgun report.)
Vera: Charlie!
Zena: My honey! (They both exit at the height of panic.)

SCENE VIII
Rich Venturiano, then Spiro

Rich: (Creeps in slowly through the same window he went out; he is covered in
cement, brick and lime powder; his hair is standing; his hat is torn; he looks pale and
haggard, is shaking, and has trouble uttering words. He jumps at imaginary noises
every now and then; his joints give way.) So far I've managed to stay alive! St. Andrew,
protect me! I'm still a youth! Guardian angel of Romania's future, spread your wings
over me; I am a Romanian, too! (Breathes deep and presses his hand over his
heartbeats.) Oh, what a stormy night! The horrible tragedy! (He thinks he hears a noise
and jumps.) Oh, the contingencies I've been through! I get out by the window and start
groping along carefully leaning against the wall till I reached the end of the scaffold...
But the cruel destiny persecutes me relentlessly... The scaffold ends and there is no
ladder... The perfidious lady had sent me on a wild goose chase. I try to turn around and
I hear my persecutors coming straight towards me on the scaffold. I make an about-face

without knowing where I'm going; I stumble against a barrel of cement... Divine
inspiration... - as a poet I am always subject to fits of inspiration! - I hide inside the
barrel! I hear my persecutors' footsteps drawing close, a lot of people run by my barrel
cussing me something awful; me, as an educated youth, pretend not to hear this foul
language... They all go away... I hear noises, shouts, women screaming, finally a gun
shot. Little by little the noise dies away and everything is plunged into a lugubrious
silence. From the distance I hear the City Hall clock strike 11 hours and twenty
minutes... a nefarious hour for me! I slowly creep out of my barrel, crawl on all fours
along the scaffold and find myself here... What should I do? How can I get out? I need
an ingenious inspiration... (Places his hand over his forehead and thinks.) Yes, I found
it. I'll leave by the door. (Tiptoes quickly to the back door and opens it: outside
darkness.) Absolute obscurity! (He goes to the window.) Ah! I hear footsteps;
somebody's coming on the scaffold. (Rushes to the door on the right leading to Spiro's
room.) This way! (Same time Spiro enters quickly and the two collide.) Ah! You scared
me half to death. (Feels faint.)
Spiro: Mister, sir, are you still here? Them guys ain't kiddin', you gotta get away! If
they lay their hands on you, you're road kill...
Rich: Road kill! Save me, young man, get me out of here... What's the way out?
(Makes a move towards the right door where Spiro came by.) This way...
Spiro: That ain't too hot an idea. (Blocks his way.) That room leads to the main
staircase, too. You wanna bump into them?
Rich: Sure don't; but what is there to do? My very existence is menaced. All I wish is
to get away. Save me. I'll give you twenty bucks!
Spiro: Twenty bucks... That's six packs of cigarettes! I'll get you outta here.
Rich: But how? Where? Tell me fast for I'm afraid I'm going to have a panic-stricken
attack.
Spiro: You stay put. I'm goin' into this room (to the right) and open the door that
leads to the stairs. As soon as I see 'em comin' up the stairs I'll call you into the room,
and we close the door between us. When the coast is clear I'ma let you out by the other
door. You go down the stairs and run fast outta the gate... I'll get you out, don't worry
about a thing...
Rich: Go, go fast!
Spiro: (smartly) Well, ain'tcha gonna give it to me?
Rich: What?
Spiro: What you promised.
Rich: Oh, yes, sure. (Searches all his pockets and completes the sum out of change;
Spiro counts the money carefully.) My good lad, (solemnly) young man! Do you realize
the position I am in? Can you fathom the dangers confronting me?
Spiro: Heck, you betcha sweet life I do! If I didn't feel the cat o' nine tails on my own
skin, nobody did! J ust you wait! If you don't make it outta here...
Rich: (reeling) Then what?
Spiro: You'll taste the kind o' devil he is on your own skin... Why do you think they
call 'im Tartar the Hard-hearted?
Rich: I really don't care to test it myself. I'd much rather you got me out of here.
Spiro: (a bit carelessly) Yeah! Don't worry 'bout a thing! If I can, I'll get you out, of
course.

Rich: A! (Staggers.) I hear noises on the stairs; they're coming up... (Staggers.) Run!
Save me! (Spiro exists slowly right counting his money; Rich urges him from behind.)

SCENE IX
Rich, Boss, Charlie, Gumshoe, Zena and then Vera

Rich: (alone for a moment; silent gesturing; all of a sudden a noise of someone being
slapped and Spiro crying) A! (Footsteps on the stairway; Rich rushes to the door on the
right.)
Boss: (confronts him with his sword drawn) Hold it right there!
Rich: (stepping backwards) St. Andrew, I'm a dead man! (He rushes to the window
leading to the scaffold.)
Charlie: (Confronts him jumping in through the window with the bayonet in his hand
as if ready for an assault.) Hold it right there!
Rich: (Staggers backwards.) Guardian angel of Romania's future! (Rushes to the
back door.)
Gumshoe: (Confronts him with the drawn sword) Hold it! (Recognizes Rich, drops
the sword.) Saw my leg off! Is that really you, sir?
Rich: (shaking like a leaf) Yes, it is me!
(Zena enters back door.)
Boss: What the heck is it you want, Mister! (Lunges to grab him. Zena steps right
between them and stops him.)
Charlie: (Drops his rifle and spits into his palms.) Leave 'im to me, Boss. (Rushes to
grab him, too.)
Gumshoe: (Gets between them and stops Charlie.) Don't hit 'im, sir. I know this
gentleman.
Charlie: (to Gumshoe) Outta my way!
Zena: (to Boss) Brother, don't assassinate my future! (Struggles with him.)
Boss: Lemme ask 'im just one simple question: What the heck is it you want, you
ass...
Charlie: Move aside, Don Nick. Lemme learn this dork as to why's a bad idea to stalk
a merchant's wife!
Gumshoe: (shouting down all the other voices) Wait! Wait! This got to be a mistake! I
know this gentleman! He ain't that kind a guy. He is an honorable citizen.
Charlie: Yeah, right! Honorable citizen, my foot! (He is trying to make a rush at him
again.)
Gumshoe: (Stops him.) He is one of ours. He's a patriot!
Boss: If he's a patriot, why is 'e fixin' to mess up my marriage? Why is 'e attackin' my
familiar honor? (He is ready to lunge; Vera enters back door.)
Zena: Brother! Brother! Forgive me, it ain't what you think.
Boss: Then what is it?
Charlie: What is it?
Vera: (Goes over to Charlie and pulls him aside, angrily.) What is it? What is it? Will
you guys ever grow up? You run around like chickens with their heads cut off.
(whispering quickly) That's what it is. This young man been courtin' Zena. He been in
love with 'er ever since we went to the Union Gardens, you know, that night when he

trailed us... They sent each other love letters, and tonight, instead of goin' to her house,
he ended up here by mistake. Didn't I tell you that it must be another one of his silly fish
tales? You drive me to I don't know what with all them fits o' yours! That's what it is. Are
you satisfied now? (During all his time, Boss, a bit taken aback by Charlie's change in
demeanor, is curious to listen to the explanations.)
Charlie: (getting it) Aha!
Boss: (coming next to Vera) Well, what is it?
Charlie: (Takes Boss aside and whispers to him.) What is it, what is it! Will we ever
grow up? We run around like chickens with our heads cut off. That's what it is. This
young man been courtin' Zena. He been in love with 'er ever since you guys went to the
Union Gardens, that night when 'e trailed you guys... They sent each other love letters,
and tonight, instead of goin' to er' house, he ended up here by mistake. Didn't I tell you,
Boss, that it's one o' them fish tales o' yours again... You made me go chase my own
tail, I was this far from breaking my neck... You gave me such a turn I coulda, God
forbid, done the poor guy in. That's what it is! Are you satisfied now?
Boss: Aha! (Cheering up and watching Zena with the corner of his eye.) Ah, Zena,
you son of a gun! (Charlie goes over next to Gumshoe.)
Zena: (Lowers her eyes bashfully.) Brother!
Boss: (paternally) Well, well, no need to be bashful now! Ah, to be young and wild at
heart! Gals will be gals! (to the public) There's a romantic girl for you! It didn't occur to
me why she kept harpin' at me, "Brother, please, pretty please, let's go to The Union
Gardens".
(All this while the characters who did not speak huddle back stage. Rich is still a man
shaken to the roots.)
Gumshoe: (coming close to Boss) Honorable sir! (with a lot of affectation) You got
any idea who this young man is? (Points to Rich.)
Boss: Who is 'e?
Gumshoe: The guy who writes for "The Voice of the National Patriot".
Boss: Get outta here!
Gumshoe: I promise!
Boss: No way!
Gumshoe: You betcha! The very man 'imself, I'm tellin' ya! He is all right! One of
ours, nice kid! He is the one on the barricades in the article we were readin' last night,
you know, the one about the sufferage.
Boss: (very pleased) Ain't that nice! (to himself) Well, let's get acquainted, then. If
he's in love with Zena, who knows how the girl's luck turns out.
Gumshoe: (very pleased) Logical! My exact precise thinkin'. (to Rich) Most
honorable sir, allow me to introduce to you citizen Dumitrache Tartar, merchant,
landowner and Captain in the National Guard. (importantly) He is one of ours. (The
group in the back moves forward.)
Rich: Enchanted. (Mixes introductory formulas.) Thanks for meeting you.
Gumshoe: And this is citizen Rich Venturiano, judicial clerk, university student, - he
studies the laws - and reporter for "The Voice of the National Patriot"... (forcefully) He is
one of ours, no two ways about it... He don't need no further introduction...
(The two men shake hands and greet each other.)
Boss: (respectfully and timidly) Right, yesterday night we, that is Don Nick here and

me, was readin' in your newspaper how you were sayin' that the reactionaries were
sharkin' the flesh of the sovereign people. Well, lemme tell you, sir, you're doin' a heck
of a job! I like the way you're out there, on the barricades, givin' the reactionaries hell,
like, you know, straight as an arrow. God give you speed so you can rid the nation of
them reactionaries!
Rich: (Getting some of his wits back, smiling with a lot of satisfaction at hearing
Boss's words.) Gentlemen, our only God is the people: box populi, box Dei! We hold no
other hope, we entertain no other faith save that of the people. (Boss listens with his
mouth hanging open.) We have no other purpose except the sovereignty of the people.
That's why in our political struggle our motto towards all citizens was, is and will be:
"Either you all perish together, or we all prosper together."
Boss: (delighted) Great! Well said! (Applauds; aside to Gumshoe) The guy speaks
up a storm, eh? He's fit to be a congressman!
Gumshoe: Hey, give 'im some time, and he'll make congressman yet...
(While this is going on Rich has come next to Zena.)
Boss: The way he's on the barricades, who's to say he won't go even higher, get to
be on the President's Cabinet or som'pin'. (Aloud to Rich, who is still in the middle of the
group) Anyway, honorable sir, I gotta 'pologize 'cause you know, a while ago we kinda
got off on the wrong foot, the way I'm particular for... and maybe I hurt your feelings; but
you gotta admit that it's your fault, too: I had no idea you'd come for Zena...
Rich: J ust a minute! Forgive me for so saying, but I wouldn't blame either you, me, or
ma'am Zena, but rather the plate on the gate... She told me she lived at number 9... I
saw number 9 on the gate and I entered. (Exchanges whispers with Zena, Vera and
Charlie.)
Boss: So that's what it was! And it's all master Tinker the mason's doin'. He worked
on the wall outside the gate and, when 'e put the plate back he musta stuck it upside
down. Tomorrow I'm a let 'im know he's got to switch it the right side up. We been
through enough trouble already on account of it.
Charlie: (who has been huddling in the back with Zena, Vera and Rich) No problem,
ma'am, we'll tell 'im, the lady and me, if you guys're bashful about it. (He approaches
front stage with Vera. Rich and Zena remain in the back.) Hey, Boss!
Vera: Hon!
Boss: What is it, Charlie, lad? What's the matter, Vera?
Vera: We got a favor to ask.
Charlie: J ust don't treat us negatively.
Boss: Ask me anything. You know how I care for my wife and you.
Vera: It's like this: Mister Rich and Zena... they sort o' like... commiserate together...
Boss: (pleased) Ah, to be young and wild at heart!
Charlie: And they're bashful as to how to break the news to you that they would like
to...
Boss: Well, to... what?
Charlie: Well, you know, tie the knot... Are you contrary?
Boss: (supremely pleased) If the gentleman condiments to honor us... why, sure. But
he gotta know that the dowry ain't that great and he is ... you know, a higher kind of
sort... and were nothin' but simple merchants...
Rich: (drawing near) My fellow citizen, under the reign of liberty, equality and


fraternity no one person can be higher than the other. The Constitution won't permit it.
Gumshoe: Logical!
Boss: (to Gumshoe) Man, I'm tellin' you he speaks up a storm!
Rich: Me, if ma'am Zena commiserates in my suffering here...
Boss: No doubt about it! How could she not commiserate? Zena, sister, come here.
(Zena approaches bashfully) You don't need to be bashful. Ah, to be young and wild at
heart... Are you willin'?
Zena: I'll do whatever you tell me to do; bein' that you are like my elder brother...
Boss: Well, you got my blessing! Congratulations! God speed! (Whispers to Zena.)
Honor your husband: he is a heck of a guy. You're lucky to land 'im.
Zena: Merci, brother. (Moves back stage.)
Boss: You're welcome. (to Rich) And now, brother-in-law, I'd like to have a word with
you, just us menfolks, no ladies listenin'. You know how ladies are, Don Nick...
Gumshoe: Bashful... Tell me about it!
Boss: (to Rich, who's come next to him) Come hell or high water, there's one thing
that you gotta place ahead of everythin' else, and that is your familiar honor!
Rich: Couldn't agree more. One's family is one's small country, just like one's country
is one's extended family; the family is the nucleus of society.
Boss: That's it! Right on the money! Couldn't'a said it better myself! (to Gumshoe) He
knows it all, I love this guy!
Gumshoe: Naturally. He' ain't a newspaper reporter for nothin'!
Vera: (back stage addressing Boss) If all's nice and dandy, guys, how about calling it
a day, eh? Charlie's got to wake up before sunrise for the drills tomorrow.
Boss: No ifs, ands or buts about it, wife! (All are getting ready to retire; Rich is at
Zena's side, Charlie is at Vera's and Boss at Gumshoe's side.)
Gumshoe: (to Boss) Can I bum a cigarette off you, Boss?
Boss: Sure thing, Don Nick. (Puts his hand into his pocket to get his tobacco box out
and freezes, a frown on his face, his hand still in his pocket.) Don Nick! Charlie!
Charlie: (approaching Boss) What's appenin', Boss?
Boss: (Taking Charlie and Gumshoe by hand and pulling them dramatically front
stage.) All right, we got everythin' sorted out here. My heart's at rest as far as brother-in-
law Rich here's concerned; but I want you to take a look and see what I found on the
pillows in my wife's bed... I'd almost forgot.... and this riddle here's a tough one not
suspicion somethin'!
Charlie: (worried) What didja find, boss?
Boss: Take a look! (Produces a bandana out of his pocket.)
Gumshoe: Nice-looking bandana, hunnerd percent cotton.
Charlie: Bosh! Come on, Boss. Hand it over. That's my bandana, cain't you
reconnize it no more!?
Boss: (getting it) Son of a gun! Why didn't you say so sooner? (philosophically to
Gumshoe) You see?... It just goes to show how a body can see and don't see at the
same time and all on account o' rage...
Gumshoe: Logical!
(They all troop merrily towards the back stage exit.)