Part I. Analysis of An Essay: Scoring Guide (OG-105)

SAT 20090101
Par t I . Anal ysi s of an Essay

1. Scoring Guide (OG-105)
Score of 6
An essay in this category demonstrates clear and consistent mastery, although it may have a few
minor errors. A typical essay
effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates
outstanding critical thinking, using clearly appropriate examples, reasons, and other
evidence to support its position
is well organized and clearly focused, demonstrating clear coherence and smooth
progression of ideas
exhibits skillful use of language, using a varied, accurate, and apt vocabulary
demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure
is free of most errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics

Score of 5
An essay in this category demonstrates reasonably consistent mastery, although it will have
occasional errors or lapses in quality. A typical essay
effectively develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates strong critical thinking,
generally using appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position
is well organized and focused, demonstrating coherence and progression of ideas
exhibits facility in the use of language, using appropriate vocabulary
demonstrates variety in sentence structure
is generally free of most errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics

Score of 4
An essay in this category demonstrates adequate mastery, although it will have lapses in quality. A
typical essay
develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates competent critical thinking, using
adequate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position
is generally organized and focused, demonstrating some coherence and progression of ideas
exhibits adequate but inconsistent facility in the use of language, using generally appropriate
vocabulary
demonstrates some variety in sentence structure
has some errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics

Score of 3
An essay in this category demonstrates developing mastery, and is marked by one or more of the
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following weaknesses:
develops a point of view on the issue, demonstrating some critical thinking, but may do so
inconsistently or use inadequate examples, reasons, or other evidence to support its position
is limited in its organization or focus, but may demonstrate some lapses in coherence or
displays developing facility in the use of language, but sometimes uses weak vocabulary or
inappropriate word choice
lacks variety or demonstrates problems in sentence structure
contains an accumulation of errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics

Score of 2
An essay in this category demonstrates little mastery, and is flawed by one or more of the following
weaknesses:
develops a point of view on the issue that is vague or seriously limited, demonstrating weak
critical thinking, providing inappropriate or insufficient examples, reasons, or other evidence to
support its position
is poorly organized and/or focused, or demonstrates serious problems with coherence or
displays very little facility in the use of language, using very limited vocabulary or incorrect word
choice
demonstrates frequent problems in sentence structure
contains errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics so serious that meaning is somewhat
obscured

Score of 1
An essay in this category demonstrates very little or no mastery, and is severely flawed by one or more
of the following weaknesses:
develops no viable point of view on the issue, or provides little or no evidence to support its
position
is disorganized or unfocused, resulting in a disjointed or incoherent essay
displays fundamental errors in vocabulary
demonstrates severe flaws in sentence structure
contains pervasive errors in grammar, usage, or mechanics that persistently interfere with
meaning

Score of 0
Essays not written on the essay assignment will receive a score of zero.

Successful college writing includes (OG-100)
well-developed ideas, with relevant and accurate supporting information
clearly expressed thesis statement
good organization
appropriate, accurate, and varied vocabulary
variety of syntax (sentence structure)
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2. Sample Analysis
Sample 1 (Score 12)
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below:

A sense of happiness and fulfillment, not personal gain, is the best motivation and reward for ones
achievement. Expecting a reward of wealth or recognition for achieving a goal can lead to disappointment and
frustration. If we want to be happy in what we do in life, we should not seek achievement for the sake of
winning wealth and fame. The personal satisfaction of a job well done is its own reward.
Assignment: Are people motivated to achieve by personal satisfaction rather than by money or fame? Plan and
write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and
examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observation.

Even though we live in a capitalist society, I still cannot help but believe, despite my own cynicism, that
people are more motivated to achieve something for personal satisfaction rather than monetary gains. Look
at Chekov's short story, "The Bet." A man agrees to sacrifice fifteen years of his life in prison in exchange for a
million dollars. Obviously his motivation for such an extreme bet is wealth, but by the end of the prison sentence,
the man could care less about the money. After years of introspection, of reading Shakespeare, The Bible, and
textbooks, the man actually comes to despise the money he once sought; the money he signed away fifteen years
of his life for. He does not collect his money from the banker, he runs away to be on his own and continue to live
the life of solitude he has learned to love, free of money and possessions.

Also, in a psychology class, one of the first things students study when they come to the topic of motivation,
is external stimulus versus personal drive. Any textbook will tell one that studies show that a child is more
likely to put as much energy as possible into completing a task when it is something that makes him happy, than if
he was doing it for a physical reward. A child is more likely to get good grades, if it makes him feel good about
himself, than if his parents offer to pay him every time he makes the honor roll. I agree with this theory on
motivation because I see it play out everyday in my life. If my older sister had been concerned with money
and fame, which reality television tells us every night is important, she would have gone to college after
graduating high school. She knew though, that school and learning did not make her happy, and she was not going
to suffer through four more years of school just because a college degree could lead to a more successful job.
Right now she does not make as much money at her job, but she likes her life and the way she lives; she has more
fun answering phones and dealing with other people at work than she would behind a desk in a classroom. This
past year I myself have been forced to look at my priorities as well. I have worked hard in school all my life
and have made honor roll semester after semester, because I enjoy it. I have not filled up my schedule with classes
I did not want because calculus and economics look good on a college transcript. I had a high enough GPA to join
the National Honor Society, but I chose not to join because even though it might have impressed some admissions
officers, it was not something that was going to make me happy. Instead I spend my time studying Creative
Writing, Art History, and the other subjects I feel truly passionate about.

There is a pleasure principle in psychology, which basically means that one will do whatever will make
them most happy or least unhappy. I think that is true, and I feel that the happiness most people seek out is not
about money or luxury. Maybe it looks like that from the media, because advertising says that people want to be
like Donald Trump, but that is not real life. Real life is my next door neighbor who gardens as a second job for
small fees because he loves to be outside, working with his hands in the nice weather. I am sure no one would
mind winning the lottery, but to say that it is our primary motivator in life is sad and untrue. A person who is
happy and making minimum wage is likely to live longer than someone who spends his or her life working sixty
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four hour weeks at a stressful job to make money hand over fist. Are some people very driven by money? Yes.
Is that more important than the personal satisfaction that comes from doing something good? Literature,
psychology, and our personal lives tell us no, and I hope it stays that way. (697 words)

Sample 2
In todays decadent society, many things are not as they should be. As a member of my generation, I can look
around at my fellow contemporaries, and say that many of their values are misplaced, or wrong altogether. The
reason for this diversion from a life of strong values is not the fault of our generation alone, however. We, as
teenagers, are targeted by an adult world, many of whose values are so far gone, it is almost as if they never had
any to start with. And, also, the majority of teenagers main source of incoming information, television, is chock
full of poor role models, and disgusting, often perverse forms entertainment. Am I a total cynic? No. I know that
there are still good people out there, who have strong values, and are not driven by the forces of money,
greed and materialism. But often, these islands in a sea of decadence are overwashed and overlooked. For that
reason, I will trumpet those few heroes of society who still believe in the ideals of personal success, and the
betterment of the world, rather than those who would sacrifice it for superficial gain.

A very good example of someone like this is Mario Lemieux, owner and player for the Pittsburgh Penguins.
As a former hockey player, I have always admired Lemieux, who exhibits good sportsmanship, and is one of the
greatest hockey players of all time. Lemieux stunned the world through the 90s, leading the team to two Stanley
Cups, and also leading the league in scoring for several seasons. When Lemieux retired, many thought they would
never see the day again when Lemieux would once again take the ice. Then, years after his retirement, the team
went into bankruptcy. Lemieux, surprising everyone, bought the team out of bankruptcy, at a monetary loss to
himself. And when the team was in a slump, Mario then decided to take the skates once more to help his team out
of the gutter. Again, Lemieux gave up money to do this because he could not afford to pay himself a salary. And
even after he came back, Lemieux is arguably one of the best players in the game.

Lemieuxs personal decisions to give up his material monetary possessions to play for personal satisfaction
is a great example to us all. (387 words)

Score Explanation
This clearly focused essay demonstrates clear and consistent mastery. The writer exhibits outstanding critical
thinking in supporting the point of view that despite in "today's decadent society" shaped by "poor role models"
and "disgusting, often perverse forms of entertainment," there are "those few heroes of society who still believe in
the ideals of personal success, and the betterment of the world." The sustained example of Mario Lemieux
provides effective and insightful support for this position, as the writer smoothly progresses through a
chronological account of Lemieux's career that emphasizes not only the hockey player's skill but also his "good
sportsmanship" and several "personal decisions to give up his material monetary possessions to play for personal
satisfaction." These occurred when Lemieux "bought the team out of bankruptcy" by buying the team himself and
when he returned to the game after retirement even though "he could not afford to pay himself a salary." Overall,
this well organized essay demonstrates clear coherence. Throughout, the essay shows skillful use of language in
its selection of a varied, accurate, and apt vocabulary and demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure
("Am I a total cynic? No. I know that there are still good people out there, who have strong values, and are not
driven by the forces of money, greed, and materialism. But often, these islands in a sea of decadence are
overwashed and overlooked. For that reason, I will trumpet those few heroes of society who still believe in the
ideals of personal success, and the betterment of the world"). This outstanding response receives a score of 6.
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Sample 3 (Score 11)
Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below: (2007.5)

It is often the case that revealing the complete truth may bring troublediscomfort, embarrassment, sadness,
or even harmto oneself or to another person. In these circumstances, it is better not to express our real
thoughts and feelings. Whether or not we should tell the truth, therefore, depends on the circumstances.
Assignment: Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth? Plan and write an essay in
which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken
from your reading, studies, experience, or observation.

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Sample 4 (Score 12)

It is not true that prosperity is better for people than adversity. When people are thriving and content, they
seldom feel the need to look for ways to improve themselves or their situation. Hardship, on the other hand,
forces people to closely examineand possibly changetheir own lives and even the lives of others.
Misfortune rather than prosperity helps people to gain a greater understanding of themselves and the world
around them.
Assignment: Do people truly benefit from hardship and misfortune? Plan and write an essay in which you
develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your
reading, studies, experience, or observations.
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Sample 5 (Score 12)

It is not true that prosperity is better for people than adversity. When people are thriving and content, they
seldom feel the need to look for ways to improve themselves or their situation. Hardship, on the other hand,
forces people to closely examineand possibly changetheir own lives and even the lives of others.
Misfortune rather than prosperity helps people to gain a greater understanding of themselves and the world
around them.
Assignment: Do people truly benefit from hardship and misfortune? Plan and write an essay in which you
develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your
reading, studies, experience, or observations.

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Sample 6 (Score 12)
Having many admirers is one way to become a celebrity, but it is not the way to become a hero. Heroes are
self-made. Yet in our daily lives we see no difference between "celebrities" and "heroes." For this reason, we
deprive ourselves of real role models. We should admire heroespeople who are famous because they are
greatbut not celebritiespeople who simply seem great because they are famous.

Adapted from Daniel Boorstin, The Image: A Guide to Pseudo-Events in America

Assignment: Should we admire heroes but not celebrities? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your
point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies,
experience, or observations.
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Sample 7 (Score 11)

Adapted from Daniel Boorstin, The Image: A Guide to Pseudo-Eventsin America

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Sample 8 (Score 11)
Adapted from Daniel Boorstin, The Image: A Guide to Pseudo-Events in America


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3. Writing Procedure
Approaches to the Essay (OG-106)
Read the prompt carefully, and make sure you write on the topic given.
Decide your viewpoint on the topic.
Spend a couple of minutes on planning.
Vary the sentence structure in your writing.
Use clear, precise, and appropriate vocabulary.
Leave time to review what you have written.
Plan Your Essay (4 min.)
(1) Read the statement with an eye for its complexity and implications. (1 min.)
(2) Decide on a tentative position and brainstorming (2 min.)
(3) Organize your ideas (1 min.)
Compose Your Essay (20 min.)
(1) Compose a brief introductory paragraph. (4 min.)
(2) Compose the body of your response. (14 min.)
(3) Compose a brief concluding or summary paragraph. (2 min.)
Refine Your Essay (1 min.)
(1) Proofread for significant mechanical problems. (1 min.)

4. Plan Your Essay
Familiarize the topics of SAT
(1) Motivation; Inner vs. Outer Cause
(2) Choice & Decision
(3) Progress & Technology
(4) Success & Adversity
(5) Breaking the Rules / Majority
(6) History & Present
(7) Education, Knowledge & Practice
(8) Viewing from Different Angles
(9) Individual vs. Group, Cooperation
Brain Storming
(1) Position: Yes / No
(2) Idea Example
(3) Idea Example
(4) *Idea Example (Concession Counterexample)
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Progression of Ideas
(1) Parallel
(2) Sequential
(3) Contrast

5. Compose the Introductory Paragraph
You Should
demonstrate that you understand the complexities or implications of the issue
let the reader know that you have a clear perspective on the issue
anticipate the ideas you intend to present in your essays body paragraph
not go into detail about your reasoning, and not provide specific examples
not begin by repeating the statement
(1) Question + (typical answer) + position
Why, you may wonder, should spiders be our friends? Because they destroy so many
insects, and insects include some of the greatest enemies of the human race. Insects
would make it impossible for us to live in the world; they would devour all our crops and kill
our flocks and herds, if it were not for the protection we get from insect-eating animals. We
owe a lot to the birds and beasts who eat insects but all of them put together kill only a
fraction of the number destroyed by spiders. Moreover, unlike some of the other insect
eaters, spiders never do the harm to us or our belongings. Lesson 2, NCE Book 4
Why does the idea of progress loom so large in the modern world? Surely progress
of a particular kind is actually taking place around us and is becoming more and more
manifest. Although mankind has undergone no general improvement in intelligence or
morality, it has made extraordinary progress in the accumulation of knowledge.
Lesson 22, NCE Book 4
(2) Stating conflict views + position:
I am always amazed when I hear people saying that sport creates goodwill between the
nations, and that if only the common peoples of the world could meet one another at
football or cricket, they would have no inclination to meet on the battlefield. Even if one
didn't know from concrete examples (the 1936 Olympic Games, for instance) that
international sporting contests lead to orgies of hatred, one could deduce it from general
principles. Lesson 6, NCE Book 4
Many people in industry and the Services, who have practical experience of noise,
regard any investigation of this question as a waste of time; they are not prepared even
to admit the possibility that noise affects people. On the other hand, those who dislike
noise will sometimes use most inadequate evidence to support their pleas for a quieter
society. This is a pity, because noise abatement really is a good cause, and it is likely to
be discredited if it gets to be associated with bad science. Lesson 25, NCE Book 4
(3) Background description + position
Education is one of the key words of our time. A man without an education, many of us
believe, is an unfortunate victim of adverse circumstances, deprived of one of the greatest
twentieth-century opportunities. Convinced of the importance of education, modern states
'invest' in institutions of learning to get back 'interest' in the form of a large group of
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enlightened young men and women who are potential leaders. Education, with its cycles of
instruction so carefully worked out, punctuated by textbooks--those purchasable wells of
wisdom--what would civilization be like without its benefits? Lesson 33, NCE Book 4
(4) Anecdote + position
Practice-15, Practice-35
Paul Ehrlich, discovered a drug. It was named Formula 606, because the first 605
tests were mistakes. The lesson we can safely draw from this story is that
(5) Quotation + position
OG-1
It is a small step for a man; but a giant leap for mankind. Neil Armstrong
OG-3
We choose to go to the moon and other things, not because they are easy, but because
they are hard. John. F. Kennedy
As the saying goes, The saying is used to point out that This is nowhere more true
than on the question of XXX.
There is an old saying that , which is true in most cases.
There is an idiom in English that says

6. Compose the Body Paragraph
You should
be sure the first sentence of each paragraph begins a distinct train of thought and clearly
conveys to the reader the essence of the paragraph, and stick to that sentence
arrange your paragraphs according to the outline so your essay flows logically and
persuasively from one point to the next
devote no more than 3 or 4 sentences to any one point in your outline
Example
brief example
specific example
personal experience
anecdote
fiction
Analogy
(1) Brief example
Great leaders are almost always great simplifiers, who cut through argument, debate and
doubt to offer a solution everybody can understand and remember. Churchill warned the
British to expect blood, toil, tears and sweat; F. D. Roosevelt told Americans that the
only thing we have to fear is fear itself; Lenin promised the war-weary Russians peace,
land and bread. Straightforward but potent message.
Some of the greatest scientific discoveries are the result of inspirations caused by chance
occurrences. Three brief examples can demonstrate this point. First, Archimedes noticing
the rise of water level as he submerged himself in a tub led to the formulation of the laws of
liquid displacement, the foundation of many of the laws of modern physics. Second, Sir
Isaac Newton discovered the law of gravity because an apple fell on his head while he was
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sitting under a tree. Third, after being caught in a strong current of hot rising air while flying
his gas balloon, George Alexander Whitehead thought about the occurrence and
developed the fundamental principles of meteorology.
(2) Specific example
Nor is it only the ignorant and ill-educated person who was such faith in the bottle of
medicine. It is recounted of Thomas Carl yle that when he heard of the illness of his
friend, Henry Taylor, he went off immediately to visit him, carrying with him in his pocket
what remained of a bottle of medicine formerly prescribed for an indisposition of Mrs.
Carlyle's. Carlyle was entirely ignorant of what the bottle in his pocket contained, of the
nature of the illness from which his friend was suffering, and of what had previously been
wrong with his wife, but a medicine that had worked so well in one form of illness would
surely be of equal benefit in another, and comforted by the thought of the help he was
bringing to his friend, he hastened to Henry Taylor's house. History does not relate
whether his friend accepted his medical help, but in all probability he did.
One allegation often made is that noise produces mental illness. A recent article in a
weekly newspaper, for instance, was headed with a striking illustration of a lady in a
state of considerable distress, with the caption 'She was yet another victim, reduced to a
screaming wreck'. On turning eagerly to the text, one learns that the lady was a typist who
found the sound of office typewriters worried her more and more until eventually she had to
go into a mental hospital. Now the snag in this sort of anecdote is of course that one
cannot distinguish cause and effect. Was the noise a cause of the illness, or were the
complaints about the noise merely a symptom? Another patient might equally well
complain that her neighbours were combining to slander her and persecute her, and yet
one might be cautious about believing this statement. Lesson 25, NCE Book 4
(3) Personal experience: friendly, interesting and authoritative
(4) Anecdote
A case in point is that
Something serves as a typical example is
(5) Fiction
So much is certain: that we would have doctors and preachers, lawyers and defendants,
marriages and births -- but our spiritual outlook would be different. We would lay less
stress on 'facts and figures' and more on a good memory, on applied psychology, and on
the capacity of a man to get along with his fellow-citizens. If our educational system were
fashioned after its bookless past we would have the most democratic form of 'college'
imaginable. Among tribal people all knowledge inherited by tradition is shared by all; it is
taught to every member of the tribe so that in this respect everybody is equally equipped
for life. Lesson 33, NCE Book 4
(6) Analogy
Nations should cooperate to develop regulations that limit childrens access to adult
material on the Internet.
However, information on the Internet is not easily contained within national borders.
Limiting access to such information is akin to preventing certain kinds of global
environmental destruction. Consider the problem of ozone depletion thought to be a
result of chlorofluorocarbon (CFC) emissions. When the government regulated CFC
production in the U.S., corporations responsible for releasing CFC's into the atmosphere
simply moved abroad, and the global threat continued. Similarly, the Internet is a global
phenomenon; regulations in one country will not stop "contamination" overall. Thus,
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successful regulation of Internet pornography requires international cooperation, just as
successful CFC regulation finally required the joint efforts of many nations.
Learning writing should progress in proper sequencesimilar to learning pottery
observe, copy and originate.
Writers and potters are similar in that they both learn their crafts by imitating masters,
people skilled in the crafts. They devote a great deal of time and concentration to following
these masters. For example, before the potter can produce a delicate vase or a
symmetrical pitcher, he or she must spend time watching a master at work. Likewise, a
novice writer cannot produce a well-organized essay or even a coherent paragraph without
first studying good models. The potter observes the way the expert spins the wheel and
forms the clay; then he or she tries to do exactly what the master has done. Similarly, the
apprentice writer imitates the work of a master writer. The potter begins with small, simple
projects. In the same way, the writer begins with short paragraph and proceeds to the
essay only after mastering the basics. So just as the potter gains inspiration and skill from
an experienced artist, a writer learns to communicate effectively after studying the work of
master writers.
Authority / Quotation
Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit? 2007.5.5
Confucius once said, When you know a thing, to hold that you know it. And when you do
not know a thing, to allow that you do not know it. This is knowledge. Analects
Huxley, If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out
of danger.
XXX, CEO of XXX Company, which is a major manufacturer of XXX, once pointed out (and
I paraphrase) that This illustrates the point that
Professor XXX, highly respected and well-known professor at Chinese Academy of Social
Science, once pointed out (and I paraphrase) that This illustrates the point that
As head of (name of department) at my university once said (and I paraphrase):This
illustrates the point that
Statistics
(1) specified, detailed:
How many spiders are engaged in this work on our behalf? One authority on spiders
made a census of the spiders in grass field in the south of England, and he estimated that
there were more than 2,250,000 in one acre; that is something like 6,000,000 spiders of
different kinds on a football pitch. Spiders are busy for at least half the year in killing
insects. It is impossible to make more than the wildest guess at how many they kill, but
they are hungry creatures, not content with only three meals a day. It has been estimated
that the weight of all the insects destroyed by spiders in Britain in one year would be
greater than the total weight of all the human beings in the country. Lesson 2, NCE
Book 4
(2) authorized
Ignoring the responsibility of education to enrich the personal lives of student would result
in serious moral as well as psychological problems among university students. According
to a recent survey conducted by the Sociology Department of Peking University among
ten top universities in China, twenty percent of undergraduate students suffer from various
kinds of mental disorders, such as depression, exaggerated mood swings, extreme anxiety,
and insomnia. The result of the survey also indicates the increase of over ten percent
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within ten years in the rates of alcohol abuse, drug abuse and suicides. Researchers of
campus at normal behavior believe that these problems mainly result from the
universities over emphasis on academic studies and job oriented training. In universities
where the school administration pays more attention to organizing various culture activities
to enrich the personal lives of students, the currency of such problems drops
dramatically.
Although the popular belief is that, a current/new/recent study/survey/poll/ investigation
officials
/scientists/experts indicates/reveals/suggests/shows/proves/demonstrates that

7. Compose the Concluding Paragraph
Restate your positi
l evidence offered], we may safely [draw/reach/come to/arrive at] the conclusion
above analysis [supports/justifies/confirms/warrants/
e more persuasive than any single of them, we may safely
s that, mainly, generally
Restate your positi
ad,
ring CCC, DDD and EEE.
s
tion: now the problem is not whether to, but how to; some people do benefit
her AAA. Actually,
thods] may not guarantee the success in AAA, but the
.
ubt that serious attention must be called to the problem of
ial/considerable] emphasis on the
indicates/shows/demonstrates that
A recent nationwide study/survey/poll/investigation conducted at a university by
on, and echo the introductory paragraph
[From what has been discussed above / Taking all these factors into account / Judging
from al
that
All the evidence discussed in the
points to] the conclusion that
To sum up, due to the aforementioned reasons, which sometimes intertwine to form an
organic whole and thus becom
arrive at the conclusion that
eliminate unshakable words: probably, very likely, it seem
on, and summarize your reasons
integrate all the topic sentences
In conclusion, I hold that not only because but also because
In sum, neither AAA nor BBB should guide decisions in the controversies at issue. Inste
decisions should be made on a case-by-case basis, conside
Restate your position, and add some relevant remarks
(1) Making further suggestion
restate the position
expand the posi
through that
The question today is how AAA, not whet
(2) Reemphasize the importance of the position
If you do agree, then; If you do not follow, then
Following the [suggestions/me
pay-off will be worth the effort.
Obviously, if we [ignore/are blind to] the problem, there is every chance that..
There is little do
(3) Outlook the future
It is high time that we [take action to/put an end to the undesirable situation of]
It is high time that we [place/lay/put] [great/spec
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[improvement/development/increase/promotion] of
It is hoped that great efforts should be focused on [finding/developing/improving]
It is necessary that proper [actions/measures/remedies] should be taken to [prevent/
ation of AAA, if [permitted /
ould endeavor to maintain a mutually
enriching relationship between CCC1 and CCC2.

8. Review and Revise Your Response
addressed
d support your point of view with evidence. Make
cepts, and ideas to give the reader a clear
(3)
, illustrate,
ve a clear and logical pattern of organization? Does it contain a beginning,
sitional words and phrases to bridge gaps and point out changes in
und-complex) in
the grammar in my sentences? Do subjects and verbs agree? Is the correct
(3)
ntence to convey
for words in the topic or assignment? Have I
Did I proofread my essay for correct spelling, punctuation, and capitalization?
correct/fight] the [situation/phenomenon].
We must look for an immediate action, because the present situ
allowed] to continue, will surely lead to the heavy cost of BBB.
In other words, any AAA, if it aims at BBB, sh
Have I the topic?
(1) Do I understand what I have been asked to do?
(2) Does the topic ask me to do more than one thing? (For example, some topics ask you to
identify and explain, or to take a position an
sure that you address all parts of the topic.)
Have I developed a convincing response?
(1) Do I have several points that support and develop my thesis?
(2) Have I defined or explored key words, con
understanding of the points I am developing?
Have I provided an example or reason to support, illustrate, or clarify my main points?
NOTE: Every main point that you present deserves more than one sentence to define
or explain it. Sophisticated and complex ideas may require even more development.
(4) Does my essay ha
middle, and end?
(5) Have I incorporated transitional words and phrases to help my sentences and paragraphs stick
together? Have I used tran
direction or point of view?
Have I used sentence structure and language effectively?
(1) Have I used all of the sentence types (simple, compound, complex, and compo
expressing my ideas? Do I have a combination of long and short sentences?
(2) Have I checked
pronoun used?
Have I punctuated my sentences correctly?
NOTE: Knowing how to use a short sentence for emphasis and a complex se
a sophisticated idea are two good skills to practice as you revise your essay.
(4) Have I selected the most appropriate words and phrases to communicate my ideas?
(5) Have I used words correctly? For example, are affect and effect used correctly in my essay?
(6) Have I included strong verbs and synonyms
repeated words and phrases too many times?
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Par t I I . Language Sk i l l s
1. Diction Variety
(1) improve, ameliorate, develop, remedy, revise, enhance, enrich, upgrade, refine
(2) important, significant, momentous, considerable, essential, valuable, distinctive,
great, weighty, major, serious, grave, vital, capital, substantial, material, conspicuous, striking,
prominent, eminent, noticeable, consequential
(3) correct, rectify, accurate, precise, proper, undistorted, right, impeccable
(4) increase, rise, extend, magnify, fall, amplify, aggrandize, intensify, enhance, prolong,
strengthen, raise, boost, intensify, expand, augment, enlarge
(5) decrease, reduce, curtail, shrink, terminate, lessen, abate, diminish, dwindle, slump
(6) reveal, indicate, convey, reflect, confirm, demonstrate, imply
(7) justify, warrant, assert, claim, contend, argue, validate, substantiate, verify, allege, affirm
(8) statement, claim, declaration, assertion, opinion, belief, view, conviction, persuasion
(9) request, demand, need, requisition, requirement
(10) cancel, revoke, countermand
(11) build up, establish, set up, found
(12) eliminate, clear, remove, smooth away
(13) inference, reasoning, deduction
(14) corresponding, relevant, relative, fitting, appropriate, accordingly
(15) lead to, bring about, result in, cause, spark off, conduce to, procure, induce, generate
(16) consequence, aftermath, outcome
(17) occurrence, event, incident, issue, phenomenon
(18) inspect, check; examine, look over, put to the test, keep a check on
(19) prize, reward, award, grant, assign, confer, honor, fame, credit, contribution, recognition,
acknowledgement
(20) strikingly, widely, highly, insatiably, exceedingly, dreadfully, remarkably, drastically,
dramatically, commonly, generally, universally
(21) sufficient, adequate, enough
(22) Harmonious, promising, rewarding, cheerful, encouraging
(23) support, stand for, advocate
(24) refuse, opposite, refute, rebuke, rebut, contrast

there is a growing awareness/realization of/that
awaken sb. to the fact/ the danger
be exposed to new ideas/experiences/problems
come into frequent/close contact with the world/society
deprive oneself of the chance/right/opportunity of doing sth.
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SAT 20090101
achieve/acquire/obtain/gain/accomplish success
advance/put forward/come up with arguments/ideas/suggestions

make tremendous/persistent/sustained effort to do sth.
take great pains to do (with work/study)
a host of/a multitude of problems
interfere with studies/work

have/exert a profound influence on life/personality
have a dramatic /undesirable effect on

be increasingly + adj.
be on the rise
the growing number of
be a better pilot of one's life
take effective step/measures to
/ shy/run away from the dangers/challenge
compensate for/make up for the loss/damage
account for/explain the phenomenon

have a better understanding/appreciation of
have a new perspective on
provide/gain an insight into

take sth. into account/consideration
give much thought to
claim/call/attract general/public/world attention to
develop/foster one's interest/confidence in
undergo/experience great changes/hardships/experience
share experience/ideas/problems/knowledge
play an important/active/great role/part in
project one's confidence/feeling/image
life is full of minor irritation/injustice
pursue one's academic
pursue/acquire knowledge/technology/skill

develop one's ability/potential to the full
give full play to one's ability
have a burning desire/a great passion for
be held up as a good example
adapt/adjust/accommodate oneself to new environment/change
be confronted/faced with/in the face of danger/difficulty

stand in the way of success
be an obstacle/barrier to success/growth
achieve/accomplish/attain the goal/aim/objective
hamper/impede/stunt the development of
hold conventional wisdom
voice/express one's opinion
take the opposite/fresh view
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SAT 20090101
bridge/narrow/fill the gap/gulf (between city and country)
grab/seize/take opportunity
enjoy/gain access to a opportunity/information
meet/satisfy/accommodate the demand of
rich/abundant in knowledge/experience
set/establish/pursue a goal/higher standard
leave/quit one's job/work/school
overcome/conquer obstacles/difficulty
attribute/owe the success/failure to
be indispensable/importance/significance to
place/put much emphasis/stress/value on
compete against/with sb. for the prize/position/control/the mastery of

conduct/initiate/launch a vigorous/nationwide/advertising campaign
for/against
change/alter the course of life
/ make much/little sense to me
be a source of happiness satisfaction/contentment/pride/complaint
conduct/carry on an study/task/experiment
go a long way to/towards solving the problem
be obsessed/preoccupied with grades/fame/fortune
make full/better use of/take advantage of opportunity/time
devote/dedicate/commit oneself to a cause/career
enter (for) the examination/contest/race
focus/concentrate one's attention/efforts/thoughts upon
provide/offer/furnish an opportunity/information for sb.
take part/participation/be engaged in sports/activities/discussion

spend/waste time doing sth.
put in hours' doing sth.
shape one's thinking/attitude
enter a school/college/society/the work force/professionals
realize/fulfill/achieve one's dream/hope/wish/desire
reduce/alleviate/relieve the stress/pressure/tension

enhance/improve/upgrade social status/position/standing
rise to the position of leadership
what really matters/count is
make much progress/strides/gains in
sharpen/increase/improve/enhance/boost one's skill/ability
accelerate/facilitate/advance/boost the development of
with the quickening pace/rythm/tempo of modern life/society

broaden one's interest/outlook, expand/broaden/enlarge one's mental
horizons
apply/put the theory/knowledge/experience to practice/daily life/good use
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SAT 20090101
2. Sentence Variety
Entry variety
1.
2.
3.
The beginning of a friendship is surely possible.
4.
We have forgotten the real meaning of life when we are hot in the pursuit of money.
5.
Many college students idle away all day long because they dont know how to manage
their time.
6.
Some college students, depressed and withdrawn, nearly give up to computer games.
7.
8.
9.
never, hardly, not only, nor, little, seldom, nowhere,
not until, hardlywhen, no soonerthan, by no means
only
neither, nor, so, no more
had/were/should
If I were you, I would not give up the chances.

Nature I loved and next to nature, Art.
The poet was born poor, and poor he remained all his life.
Structure variety
1. be
A common characteristic of developing countries is an inadequate supply of food.
Inadequate food supply is the leading cause of malnutrition. Malnutrition is the condition in
which the immune system is weakened and resistance to disease is lowered. There are
over 500 million children in developing countries who are malnourished. As a result, one
in seven is dead before the age of five. Due to this high rate of infant mortality, in some
societies naming of children is a ceremony that is not performed until the child has
survived for some specified period of time.
Developing countries characteristically lack adequate food supplies. This
inadequacy causes malnutrition, which weakens the immune system and lowers
resistance to disease. Over 500 million children in developing countries suffer from
malnutrition. As a result, one in seven dies before the age of five. Due to this high rate of
infant mortality, some societies postpone naming children until the child has survived for
some specified period.
2.
Last year it was recommended by the student government that a board of review be
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SAT 20090101
created so that students would be given a greater voice in campus governance. The
proposal was accepted by the faculty, the president, and the board of trustees. A
nine-member board of review was authorized, to be elected by students and faculty.
College policies are reviewed by the board and, if they are determined to be inconsistent
with the basic purpose of the college, must be revised unless the boards decision is
vetoed by the president.
Last year the student government recommended that the school created a board of
review to give students a greater voice in campus governance. The faculty, the president,
and the board of trustees accepted the proposal and authorized a nine-member board of
review, elected by students and faculty. The board reviews college policies to determine
whether any are inconsistent with the basic purpose of the college. The college must
revise any policy the board recommends, unless the president vetoes the boards
decision.
3.
Cats never fail to fascinate human beings.
I never saw her without thinking of my mother.
In my opinion, for any country, nothing is more important than feeding its people.
4.

Sentence Complexity
John Dewey has said in all seriousness that the part played by custom in shaping the
behavior of the individual, as against any way in which he can affect traditional custom, is
as the proportion of the total vocabulary of his mother tongue against those words of his
own baby talk that are taken up into the vernacular of his family.
3. Transitional Words
Addition
in addition too moreover and
beside furthermore next then
also equally important again whats more

Enumeration
firstsecond firstlysecondly in the first placein the second place
first of all finally for one thingfor another
to begin with last but not least

Climatic Order
above all most (significant) of all betterbest worst of all
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SAT 20090101
of primary/secondary/less importance of major/minor concern more/most important

Condition
ifthen if and only if on condition that provided that
as long as unless it is a condition ofthat

Concession
granted that I admit that although it is true that admittedly
naturally it may appears that while it may be true that

Comparison
similarly in the same way likewise in common

Contrast
but yet on one handon the other hand
however in contrast to by contrast instead
rather than despite in spite of on the contrary
whereas while though otherwise

Emphasis
especially in particular/particularly above all certainly
indeed in fact surely obviously
most important of all even worse needless to say no doubt
undoubtedly to be sure I am certain that without a doubt
clearly plainly apparently naturally

Cause / Effect
because/because of as since for
owing to due to on account of on ground of
hence therefore thus as a result of
as a result as a matter of fact accordingly consequently

Summary
in short in brief on the whole in any event
as a result as has been noted as mentioned earlier overall
to summarize to sum up in summary in the final essays
to conclude in conclusion In sum
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SAT 20090101
Example
for example for instance to illustrate as a case in point
as an illustration specifically to be specific in particular
namely such as suppose imagine

Attitude
fortunately luckily oddly enough strangely enough
unfortunately surprisingly amazingly possibly
perhaps likely probably potentially
presumably to some extend in a large (some) sense ideally

Generalization
as a rule for the most part generally in general
normally on the whole in most cases usually

1. The debate over what is and what is not suitable for certain audiences has been going on, yet
there is still much confusion and uncertainty over whether or not to rate movies, that is to
describe the films in terms of violence, sex, language, nudity and profanity, so that the
audience, especially parents, will be informed of a films suitability for children.

2. In addition to hand gestures, there are times when a person says something with his legs as
well as with his head and eyes. For example, if you pay a little attention, you will notice that
when one is impatient listening to someone, his foot might beat the floor constantly and
restlessly, as if it had its own life. In such a case, although he says not a word, in fact his
body gesture reveals nearly everything. The same thing will happen when a person sits with
someone whom that person dislikes. In this situation, not only will his legs jiggle, but also he
will change the way his legs are crossed frequently.
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SAT 20090101
Par t I I I . Pool of Ex ampl es
1. Examples from History

Socrates
question-and-answer method of
teaching as a means of achieving
self-knowledge

Plato
founded the Academy (386 B.C.)

Aristotle

the tutor of Alexander the Great,
and the author of works on logic,
metaphysics, ethics, natural
sciences, politics, and poetics

Rene
Descartes

analytic geometry
I think, therefore I am

Francis
Bacon

Knowledge is power.
Of truth, Of Study

Montesquieu The Spirit of the Laws
Rousseau

The Social Contrast
The Confession

Sartre
1964

A leading existentialist
Being and Nothingness

Bertrand
Russell
1950
Principia Mathematica
A History of Western Philosophy

Adam Smith

Wealth of Nations

Sigmund
Freud

Psychoanalysis
The Interpretation of Dreams

Abraham H.
Maslow

(Need-hierarchy Theory)
self-actualization needs
esteem needs
love and belonging needs
safety needs
physiological needs

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SAT 20090101
Beethoven

The No.5 Symphony

Mozart

Michelangelo

Leonardo da
Vinci
Mona Lisa
The Last Supper

Euclid

Euclidean geometry

Archimedes

Archimedes Laws
cry of eureka (I have found it)

Sir Isaac
Newton

Principia Mathematica (1687)
If I have seen further it is
by standing on the shoulders of
Giants.

Johannes
Kepler

Kepler's laws

Nicolas
Copernicus
heliocentric ordering of planets

Galileo

1623
Magellan

Columbus

1492, New World

Charles
Darwin

1849, The Origins of Species

Michael
Faraday
1813

electromagnetic induction (1831)
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SAT 20090101

Thomas
Edison
microphone, the phonograph, and

an incandescent lamp
James Watt

Pasteur

Wright
Brothers
1903
12 17

Marie Curie
1898 1903
1911

radium and polonium

Albert
Einstein
1921

special theories of relativity, 1905
general theories of relativity, 1915
photoelectric effect
Napoleon 1804-1815
Washington No.1

Thomas
Jefferson
Declaration of Independence

Lincoln

Franklin D.
Roosevelt

New Deal, 3R Policy
Pearl Harbor, 1941.12.7
Pacific War
Yalta, Big Three, Joseph Stalin
postwar world order

John F.
Kennedy
1963 11
22
240
Apollo Project
Kennedy Space Centre
1969.7.20 Neil Armstrong

Sir Winston
Churchill
1953
The Second World War
Blood, toil, tears and sweat

Bill Gates
Harvard
Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation

Helen Keller
Ann
Sullivan 50
Three Days to See

Mother
Teresa
1979
Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta

Nelson
Mandela
25 1993

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2. Examples from Literature

Greeks Myth

William
Shakespeare

Hamlet

Othello

Macbeth

King Lear

Romeo and
Juliet

Goethe

Faust

Cervantes

Don Quixote

Jane Austen

Pride and
Prejudice

Charlotte
Bronte

Jane Eyre

Charles
Dickens

Oliver Twist

O Henry

The Cop and the
Anthem

The Gift of Magi

After Twenty
Years

The Last Leaf

Hearts and
Hands

Ernest
Hemingway

The Old Man
and the Sea

A Farewell to
Arms

The Sun Also
Rise

Joseph Keller

Catch-22

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F. S.
Fitzgerald

The Great
Gatsby

George
Orwell
1984

Animal Farm

Margaret
Mitchell

Gone With the
Wind

Theodore
Dreiser

Sister Carrie

American
Tragedy

Jerome David
Salinger

The Catcher in
the Rye

Helen Keller

Three Days to
See

Martin Luther
King Jr.

I Have a Dream

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3. Quotations
(1) Motivation; Inner vs. Outer Cause
Strong reasons make strong actions.
William Shakespeare
Where there is a will, there is a way.
Thomas Edison
The important thing in life is to have a great aim, and the determination to attain it.
Goethe
We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.

Martin Luther King, Jr.
Achievement provides the only real pleasure in life.
Thomas Edison
He who has never hoped can never despair.
George Bernard Shaw
Dont part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to
live.

Mark Twain
The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face
life cheerfully have been kindness, beauty and truth.

Albert Einstein

(2) Choice & Decision
You have to believe in yourself. That's the secret of success.
Charles Chaplin
A wise man never loses anything if he has himself.
Nietzsche
The tragedy of life is not so much what men suffer, but what they miss.

Thomas Carlyle
The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today.
Franklin Roosevelt
My fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your
country. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together
we can do for the freedom of man.

John. F Kennedy
The man who has made up his mind to win will never say Impossible".
Napoleon
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SAT 20090101
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.
Voltaire
Give me liberty, or give me death.
Henry Patrick

(3) Progress & Technology
The time of life is short, to spend that shortness basely, it would be too long.
Williams Shakespeare
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein
Try not to become a man of success but rather try to become a man of value.
Albert Einstein
The sum of behavior is to retain a man's own dignity, without intruding upon the liberty of others.
Francis Bacon
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Mark Twain

(4) Success & Adversity
Mistakes are an essential part of education.
Bertrand Russell
Do not, for one repulse, give up the purpose that you resolved to effect.
William Shakespeare
Ive missed more than 9000 shots in my career. Ive lost almost 300 games. 26 times, Ive been
trusted to take the games winning shot and missed. Ive failed over and over and over again in
my life and that is why I succeed.
9000 300 26
Michael Jordan
We choose to go to the moon and other things, not because they are easy, but because they
are hard.
John F. Kennedy
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and
suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success
achieved.
Helen Keller
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.
Helen Keller
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.
Thomas A. Edison
If winter comes, can spring be far behind?.
P.B. Shelley

(5) Breaking the Rules / Majority
Towering genius disdains a beaten path. It seeks regions hitherto unexplored.
Abraham Lincoln
The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for circumstances they
37
SAT 20090101
want, and if they cannot find them, make them.

Bernard Shaw
Success covers a multitude of blunders.
Bernard Shaw
Man errs so long as strives.
Johann Wolfgang Goethe
There are two things that fill my mind with ever increasing admiration and awe: the starry sky
above me and the moral law within me.

Kant

(6) History &. Present
A great man is always willing to be little.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
We know nothing of what will happen in future , but by the analogy of past experience.
Abraham Lincoln
I dont know who my grandfather was. I' m much more concerned to know what his grandson
will be.
Lincoln
We cannot always build the future for our youth, but we can build our youth for the future.

Franklin Roosevelt

(7) Education, Knowledge & Practice
The more you study, the more you will find yourself ignorant.
Rene Descartes
Histories make men wise; poems witty; the mathematics subtle; natural philosophy deep; moral
grave; logic and rhetoric able to contend.
Francis Bacon
Experience without learning is better than learning without experience.
Bertrand Russell
If you do not learn to think when you are young, you may never learn.
Thomas Edison
Plato is dear to me, but dearer still is truth.
Aristotle
Genius is formed in quiet, character in the stream of life.
Goethe

(8) Viewing from Different Angles
Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Marie Curie
To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.
Bertrand Russell
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SAT 20090101
Beggars do not envy millionaires, though of course they will envy other beggars who are more
successful.
Bertrand Russell
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
In almost every face and every person, they may discover fine feathers and defects, good and
bad qualities.
Benjamin Franklin
Other man live to eat, while I eat to live.
Socrates

(9) Individual vs. Group, Cooperation
I want to bring out the secrets of nature and apply them for the happiness of man. I dont know
of any better service to offer for the short time we are in the world.

Thomas Edison
All happy families are like one another; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Leo Tolstoy
No man is useless in this world who lightens the burden of someone else.
Charles Dickens
Friendship is an essential ingredient in the making of a healthful, rewarding life.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friendship is both a source of pleasure and a component of good health.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
All the splendor in the world is not worth a good friend.
Voltaire
It is a small step for a man, but a giant leap for mankind.
Neil Armstrong
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SAT 20090101
Par t I V. Appl i c at i on Essays
1. Common Application

2. Essay Questions
Short Answer
(1) Please briefly elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work
experience). Attach your response on a separate sheet (150 words or fewer).
Personal Essay
(1) Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you
have faced and its impact on you.
(2) Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to
you.
(3) Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
(4) Describe a character in fiction, an historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science,
etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
(5) A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the
educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what
you would bring to the diversity in a college community or an encounter that demonstrated the
importance of diversity to you.
(6) Topic of your choice.

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SAT 20090101
3. Essay Requirements of Universities
What the Admissions Committee Seeks
Each year, undergraduate programs of US receive thousands of applications from candidates
who have exceptional grades and SAT scores. How can you possibly distinguish yourself in
such a formidable applicant pool? With an impressive and unforgettable set of essays.
Undergraduate applicants are required to submit several essays relating to their career
objectives, life experiences and personal goals. For many students, they constitute the
most important aspect of the application. While specific questions may vary among universities,
the essays will require you to discuss:
(1) Your career goals and potential for professional success.
(2) Your unique personal attributes.
(3) Your qualifications and experiences.
(4) Your possession of both the hard (academic) and soft (interpersonal) skills required to
succeed at university and as a leader in your chosen profession.
Your personal statement carries more weight in the admissions process than you may
realize. Perfect grade point averages and SAT scores are expected at this level, as are
maturity and excellent communication skills. Your best chance to stand out in the crowd is by
conveying the exceptional personal attributes that will make you a unique, well-rounded
addition to the university. Ironically, applicants often minimize the importance of the essay and
the personal interview. Yet they are your best opportunities to demonstrate your strengths
outside the classroom.
The essay is the only aspect of the admissions process in which money does not offer an
advantage, as there are few resources available for its preparation. Wealthy students often
take expensive preparatory classes for the SAT, ACT and TOEFL, gaining a competitive
advantage in this area. Affluent students also have the benefit of attending expensive
college-preparatory programs, which offer more electives and a more diverse educational
experience. Yet the application essay is the same for everyone and effectively levels the
playing field. It provides all applicants the same opportunity to demonstrate their personal
strengths and unique contributions.
Admissions officers that we interviewed told us that they seek the following traits in
undergraduate applicants: motivation, maturity, enthusiasm, honesty, independence,
creativity, strong ethics, humor, confidence, curiosity, perseverance, communication.
Your personal statement is your opportunity to show the committee that you are a unique,
well-rounded, confident person who is committed to succeed in life. You cannot gain
acceptance into a top school without compelling personal essays.

Four Common Pitfalls to Avoid
(1) Rehashing of your academic achievements.
(2) Manipulative or argumentative essays on controversial issues.
(3) Technical essays that don't reveal your personal side.
(4) Idealistic, naive essays that suggest you will single-handedly solve the world's problem.
In our admissions work, we frequently see well-intentioned essays fall flat because they don't
capture the reader's interest and convey the writer's true personality. Far too often, the essays
simply reiterate material that is presented elsewhere in the application, which wastes a golden
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SAT 20090101
opportunity to present a new side of you.
Don't underestimate the committee's interest in your maturity and interpersonal strengths (or
lack of them). Due to the high ethical standards and level of critical thinking expected in the top
schools, your character and motivation will be highly scrutinized during the admission process.
Use the essay set to sell your whole self, not just the individual pieces that you think they want
to see.

4. Writing Tips
In a typical day, an admissions officer will read between 25 and 50 application essays from
candidates around the world. What stands out and makes a positive impression? Contrary to
popular opinion, it's not simply academic prowess. Indeed, many candidates with exceptional
grades are rejected each year. For most competitive applicants, the key to admissions success
is selling your unique (non-academic) strengths.
Before you write, consider your audience and their objective. Committee members are vibrant
people with unique personalities and talents. Their goal is to select a class of diverse,
passionate students who will best contribute to the class. The ultimate class roster will include
talented athletes, musicians, scientists and poets. No two successful candidates are alike, nor
are their essays. A "great essay" can be about football, a dance recital, a family vacation or an
embarrassing moment. What's the common denominator? Your writing must reveal your true
personality, whatever that may be. Show us who you are and what you will bring to our program.
Show us the contribution that only you can make.
(1) Answer the question that was asked. Many candidates try to dodge tough questions,
particularly those about ethical issues, personal weaknesses and failure. Yet the committee
asks these questions for a reason. We want to understand how you respond to adversity and
the specific insights you developed from those experiences. Answer the tough questions
honestly and directly. Don't try to sell us the artificial "canned" response you think we want to
hear.
(2) Write naturally, but concisely. Use simple sentence structure and your normal everyday
vocabulary. Don't waste time on fancy introductions; get to the point quickly and reinforce it with
specific examples.
(3) Use excellent grammar and punctuation. Use logical paragraph breaks to separate your
thoughts and to make the essay easier to read. Proofread your work carefully before sending it
in. Don't let simple carelessness ruin your chances.
(4) Show your real personality (let us get to know you). Too many essays are long, boring
theoretical pieces about politics, the economy or complex business issues. No matter how
well-written or researched, they don't tell us a darn thing about the candidate. Anyone can write
a rational, detached paper, but that's not what we are looking for. We want to get to know you
and the unique contribution you will make to our school.
(5) Personalize your essay as much as possible. Write about your own unique, funny,
interesting experiences. Provide details to add color. Adopt a relaxed, conversational style.
(6) Use humor only if it works. Few people can write humorous prose or recount funny
experiences effectively. If you have this gift, by all means use it. Before sending us a "funny"
essay, have several different people read your material to make sure it comes across well on
paper. Avoid anything off-color or mean-spirited.
(7) Convey a positive message (avoid cynicism). Many applicants choose to discuss a
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SAT 20090101
misfortune they have experienced and how it shaped their personality. Be very careful of your
tone if you decide to write about a hard-luck story. Avoid the "victimization" perspective and
focus on how you overcame the situation. Show us how the experience helped you to
demonstrate your stamina, perseverance and intelligence. If written well, these essays show us
that you can succeed in the face of terrible obstacles. If written badly, you may sound plaintive,
self-righteous and bitter.
(8) Write about topics you are passionate about. Nothing lifts an essay off the page more than
genuine enthusiasm! Yet few candidates have the confidence to write about a passion if they
feel it is silly or frivolous. Questions about your favorite hobby or childhood memory are
designed to flesh out your non-academic side. Yes, we really want to know! Nothing is more
precious than your unique memories about key people and experiences in your life. We've read
magical essays about eating ice cream and singing in the shower and absolutely dreadful ones
about triglyceride synthesis. When choosing your topics, pick what genuinely excites you. Your
enthusiasm will show in the final product.
(9) Use the active voice. Nothing is more tedious than trying to read an essay written in the cold,
detached passive voice. While popular with scientists who publish in technical journals, it is
pretentious and verbose in everyday writing. Keep your verbs simple and active. What's the
difference? Active Voice: The cow jumped over the moon. Passive Voice: The moon was
jumped over by the cow. Yes, it sounds that silly when you use it, too!
(10) Explain events whenever appropriate. Many of your accomplishments are of interest to the
committee because of why you tackled them, what you thought about them and what you
learned. Tell us the reasoning behind your decision and how your life changed as a result of the
experience.
(11) Be specific and focused. Rather than listing several items or events, give a full description of
just one. The more details you include, the more personal your essay will be.
(12) Proofread several times and get feedback from valued sources. Explain to them what you
hope to convey in your writing and ask whether you met your objectives. The true test of your
writing isn't what you intended to say, but what the reader actually understands.
(13) Revise and polish until it is perfect. Give yourself enough time to do the essays well.
Successful applicants usually invest several hours considering each question, deciding the
correct approach, constructing an outline and writing a first draft. You may have to write and
revise multiple drafts before you are satisfied with your essay.

5. To Avoid the Following Common Mistakes
(1) Don't let anyone else tell you what to write. Well-meaning parents and advisors often
interfere in the writing process, sabotaging the candidate's chances. Use your own best
judgement in choosing a topic and writing your essay. Don't let anyone else influence you. We
read thousands of essays each year, and have developed a keen eye for authenticity.
(2) Don't oversell yourself or try too hard. Many candidates manage to squeeze every
accomplishment they've ever had into a single one-page essay. Others explain emphatically
how much they "really, really" want to attend our school. Don't take such a desperate approach.
Answer the questions to the best of your ability and be yourself.
(3) Don't rehash information that can be found elsewhere in the application. We already
know your grade point average, standardized test scores, academic awards and honors. Use
your limited essay space to discuss experiences that aren't revealed anywhere else. Consider
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your essay to be an informal interview, your exclusive "one-on-one" time with the committee.
Show us why we should accept you into our academic community.
(4) Don't write a scholarly or overly academic paper. The essay is your opportunity to
demonstrate your non-academic strengths, particularly your personality. Don't waste the
opportunity to let us get to know the real you.
(5) Don't appear overly idealistic or preachy. Don't use trite, tired themes for the focus of the
essay. Be original. Each year, we receive hundreds of essays that discuss the horrors of
nuclear weapons and the dangers of global warming. Sadly, they don't tell us anything we don't
already know. If you choose to discuss a meaningful issue, do so in the context of your
demonstrated commitment to change it, either through your career or volunteer work. Don't
confuse passive idealism (or future intentions) with productive action. A demonstrated
commitment to a cause is worth writing about; passive idealism is not.
(6) Don't try to explain blemishes on your record. With rare exceptions, it is impossible to
explain poor grades and test scores without sounding irresponsible or defensive. Neither will
enhance your admissions chances. If you have a compelling excuse for an academic
disappointment, place it in a separate addendum to your file, rather than in the body of an
essay or personal statement.
(7) Don't use large, pretentious words. Use the simplest possible language to explain your
meaning precisely. Using three-dollar words to impress the committee usually backfires, as it
comes across as presumptuous and arrogant.
(8) Don't be boring and safe; tell a real story! A fresh and well-written essay will enhance your
credentials and aid your application effort.
(9) Don't lie or exaggerate. Applicants seldom realize how easy it is to detect lies and half-truths
in admissions essays. Don't pretend to be someone you are not. After reading your file,
committee members have an excellent "feel" for your character and can tell when a reported
event or achievement isn't consistent with the rest of your history. Lying is a fatal mistake. A
single misrepresentation on your application will lead us to doubt all of your other assertions.
(10) Don't be gimmicky. Avoid using definitions to begin your essay. This crutch was extremely
popular in the late 90's, but is now synonymous with sloppy writing. Avoid using cute or
"meaningful" quotations, unless they perfectly fit the character and tone of your essay.
Quotations are terrific if they are seldom-quoted and deeply relevant to your chosen topic. All
too often, though, their usage is clich and the resulting essay is unimaginative.
(11) Don't play games with the word limit. Don't use a miniscule type size or invisible border to
shrink an essay to the stipulated length. Except in extreme circumstances, your finished essay
should adhere to the maximum word limit. In many cases, less is more. Convey your points
quickly and efficiently; don't feel obligated to "fill" extra space.
From our experience, the biggest mistake applicants make is trying too hard. Most essays are
long, boring laundry lists of achievements that are already presented elsewhere in the
application. Ironically, unsuccessful candidates rarely reveal enough about themselves for the
reader to get to know them. Rather than reveal their unique personality, many try to impress the
committee with their youthful idealism and good intentions. They write a long, boring piece
about the need to promote world peace or end hunger. Sadly, these preachy "Miss
America"-type essays are rarely successful. The essays of successful applicants will probably
surprise you. They are seldom academic in nature, and may seem risky (or frivolous) to those
who are diligently trying to put their best foot forward. That's why studying them is so valuable.
They reveal the heart and soul of each writer and demonstrate what the candidate would add to
the university.

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6. Writing Procedures
Step One: Brainstorming
Step Two: Selecting a Topic
Step Three: Writing the Essay
Brainstorming
The most important part of your essay is the subject matter. You should expect to devote about
1-2 weeks simply to brainstorming ideas. To begin brainstorming a subject idea considers the
following points. From brainstorming, you may find a subject you had not considered at first.
(1) What are your major accomplishments, and why do you consider them accomplishments?
Do not limit yourself to accomplishments you have been formally recognized for since the
most interesting essays often are based on accomplishments that may have been trite at
the time but become crucial when placed in the context of your life.
(2) Does any attribute, quality, or skill distinguish you from everyone else? How did you
develop this attribute?
(3) Consider your favorite books, movies, works of art, etc. Have these influenced your life in a
meaningful way? Why are they your favorites?
(4) What was the most difficult time in your life, and why? How did your perspective on life
change as a result of the difficulty?
(5) Have you ever struggled mightily for something and succeeded? What made you
successful?
(6) Have you ever struggled mightily for something and failed? How did you respond?
(7) Of everything in the world, what would you most like to be doing right now? Where would
you most like to be? Who, of everyone living and dead, would you most like to be with?
These questions should help you realize what you love most.
(8) Have you experienced a moment of epiphany, as if your eyes were opened to something
you were previously blind to?
(9) What is your strongest, most unwavering personality trait? Do you maintain strong beliefs
or adhere to a philosophy? How would your friends characterize you? What would they
write about if they were writing your admissions essay for you?
(10) What have you done outside of the classroom that demonstrates qualities sought after by
universities? Of these, which means the most to you?
(11) What are your most important extracurricular or community activities? What made you join
these activities? What made you continue to contribute to them?
(12) What are your dreams of the future? When you look back on your life in thirty years, what
would it take for you to consider your life successful? What people, things, and
accomplishments do you need? How does this particular university fit into your plans for
the future?
If these questions cannot cure your writer's block, consider the following exercises:
(1) Ask for help from parents, friends, colleagues, etc.: If you cannot characterize yourself and
your personality traits do not automatically leap to mind, ask your friends to write a list of
your five most salient personality traits. Ask your friends why they chose the ones they did.
If an image of your personality begins to emerge, consider life experiences that could
illustrate the particular traits.
(2) Consider your childhood: While admissions officers are not interested in reading about
your childhood and are more interested in the last 2-4 years of your life, you might consider
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events of your childhood that inspired the interests you have today. Interests that began in
childhood may be the most defining parts of your life, even if you recently lost interest. For
instance, if you were interested in math since an early age and now want to study medicine,
you might incorporate this into your medical school admissions essay. Analyze the
reasons for your interests and how they were shaped from your upbringing.
(3) Consider your role models: Many applicants do not have role models and were never
greatly influenced by just one or two people. However, for those of you who have role
models and actually aspire to become like certain people, you may want to incorporate a
discussion of that person and the traits you admired into your application essay.
(4) Read sample admission essays: Before you sat down to write a poem, you would certainly
read past poets. Before writing a book of philosophy, you would consider past philosophers.
In the same way, we recommend reading sample admissions essays to understand what
topics other applicants chose.
(5) Goal determination: Life is short. Why do you want spend 2-6 years of your life at a
particular college, graduate school, or professional school? How is the degree necessary
to the fulfillment of your goals? When considering goals, think broadly. Few people would
be satisfied with just a career. How else will your education fit your needs and lead you to a
fulfilling life?
If after reading this entire page you do not have an idea for your essay, do not be surprised.
Coming up with an idea is difficult and requires time. Actually consider the questions and
exercises above. Without a topic you feel passionate about, without one that brings out the
defining aspects of you personality, you risk falling into the trap of sounding like the 90 percent
of applicants who will write boring admissions essays. The only way to write a unique essay is
to have experiences that support whatever topic you come up with. Whatever you do, don't let
the essay stress you out. Have fun with the brainstorming process. You might discover
something about yourself you never consciously realized.

Selecting an Essay Topic
Having completed step one, you should now have a rough idea of the elements you wish to
include in your essay, including your goals, important life experiences, research experience,
diversifying features, spectacular nonacademic accomplishments, etc. You should also now
have an idea of what impression you want to make on the admissions officers.
We should remark that at this stage, undergraduate applicants have a large advantage over
graduate school applicants. Whereas nobody questions a high school student's motivation to
attend college, graduate and professional school applicants must directly address in their
essays their desire to study their selected field.
You must now confront the underlying problem of the admissions essay. You must now
consider topics that will allow you to synthesize your important personal characteristics and
experiences into a coherent whole while simultaneously addressing your desire to attend a
specific institution. While most admissions essays allow great latitude in topic selection, you
must also be sure to answer the questions that were asked of you. Leaving a lasting impression
on someone who reads 50-100 essays a day will not be easy, but we have compiled some
guidelines to help you get started. With any luck, one or two topics, with small changes, will
allow you to answer application questions for 5-7 different colleges, although admissions
officers do appreciate essays that provide convincing evidence of how an applicant will fit into a
particular academic environment. You should at least have read the college's webpage,
admissions catalog, and have an understanding of the institution's strengths.
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Consider the following questions before proceeding:
(1) Have you selected a topic that describes something of personal importance in your life,
with which you can use vivid personal experiences as supporting details?
(2) Is your topic a gimmick? That is, do you plan to write your essay in iambic pentameter or
make it funny? You should be very, very careful if you are planning to do this. We
recommend strongly that you do not do this. Almost always, this is done poorly and is not
appreciated by the admissions committee. Nothing is worse than not laughing or not being
amused at something that was written to be funny or amusing.
(3) Will your topic only repeat information listed elsewhere on your application? If so, pick a
new topic. Don't mention GPAs or standardized test scores in your essay.
(4) Can you offer vivid supporting paragraphs to your essay topic? If you cannot easily think of
supporting paragraphs with concrete examples, you should probably choose a different
essay topic.
(5) Can you fully answer the question asked of you? Can you address and elaborate on all
points within the specified word limit, or will you end up writing a poor summary of
something that might be interesting as a report or research paper? If you plan on writing
something technical for college admissions, make sure you truly can back up your interest
in a topic and are not merely throwing around big scientific words. Unless you convince the
reader that you actually have the life experiences to back up your interest in neurobiology,
the reader will assume you are trying to impress him/her with shallow tactics. Also, be sure
you can write to admissions officers and that you are not writing over their heads.
(6) Can you keep the reader's interest from the first word? The entire essay must be
interesting, considering admissions officers will probably only spends a few minutes
reading each essay.
(7) Is your topic overdone? To ascertain this, peruse through old essays. However, most
topics are overdone, and this is not a bad thing. A unique or convincing answer to a classic
topic can pay off big.
(8) Will your topic turnoff a large number of people? If you write on how everyone should
worship your God, how wrong or right abortion is, or how you think the Republican or
Democratic Party is evil, you will not get into the college of your choice. The only thing
worse than not writing a memorable essay is writing an essay that will be remembered
negatively. Stay away from specific religions, political doctrines, or controversial opinions.
You can still write an essay about Nietzsche's influence on your life, but express
understanding that not all intelligent people will agree with Nietzsche's claims. Emphasize
instead Nietzsche's influence on your life, and not why you think he was wrong or right in
his claims.
(9) In this vein, if you are presenting a topic that is controversial, you must acknowledge
counter arguments without sounding arrogant.
(10) Will an admissions officer remember your topic after a day of reading hundreds of essays?
What will the officer remember about your topic? What will the officer remember about you?
What will your lasting impression be?
After evaluating your essay topics with the above criteria and asking for the free opinions of
your teachers or colleagues, and of your friends, you should have at least 1-2 interesting essay
topics. Consider the following guidelines below.
(1) If you are planning on writing an essay on how you survived poverty in Russia, your
mother's suicide, your father's kidnapping, or your immigration to America from Asia, you
should be careful that your main goal is to address your own personal qualities. Just
because something sad or horrible has happened to you does not mean that you will be a
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good college or graduate school student. You don't want to be remembered as the pathetic
applicant. You want to be remembered as the applicant who showed impressive qualities
under difficult circumstances. It is for this reason that essays relating to this topic are
considered among the best. Unless you only use the horrible experience as a lens with
which to magnify your own personal characteristics, you will not write a good essay.
Graduate and professional school applicants should generally steer clear of this topic
altogether unless you can argue that your experience will make you a better businessman,
doctor, lawyer, or scholar.
(2) Essays should fit in well with the rest of a candidate's application, explaining the
unexplained and steering clear of that which is already obvious. For example, if you have a
4.0 GPA and a 2200 SAT, no one doubts your ability to do the academic work and
addressing this topic would be ridiculous. However, if you have a 1650 SAT and a 3.9 GPA
or a 2150 SAT and a 2.5 GPA, you would be wise to incorporate in your essay an
explanation for the apparent contradiction. For example, perhaps you were hospitalized or
family concerns prevented your dedication to academics; you would want to mention this in
your essay. However, do not make your essay one giant excuse. Simply give a quick,
convincing explanation within the framework of your larger essay.
(3) "Diversity" is the biggest buzzword of the 1990's. Every college, professional school, or
graduate school wants to increase diversity. For this reason, so many applicants are
tempted to declare what makes them diverse. However, simply saying you are a black,
lesbian female will not impress admissions officers in the least. While an essay
incorporating this information would probably be your best topic idea, you must finesse the
issue by addressing your own personal qualities and how you overcame stigma, dealt with
social ostracism, etc. If you are a rich student from Beverly Hills whose father is an
engineer and whose mother is a lawyer, but you happen to be a minority, an essay about
how you dealt with adversity would be unwise. You must demonstrate vividly your personal
qualities, interests, motivations, etc. Address specifically how your diversity will contribute
to the realm of campus opinion, the academic environment, and social life.
(4) Don't mention weaknesses unless you absolutely need to explain them away. You want to
make a positive first impression, and telling an admissions officer anything about drinking,
drugs, partying, etc. undermines your goal. We have read more essays on ADD (Attention
Deficit Disorder) than we would ever have imagined. Why admit to weakness when you
can instead showcase your strengths?
(5) Be honest, but not for honesty's sake. Unless you are a truly excellent writer, your best,
most passionate writing will be about events that actually occurred. While you might be
tempted to invent hardship, it is completely unnecessary. Write an essay about your life
that demonstrates your personality.

Writing the Essay
Even seemingly boring topics can be made into exceptional admissions essays with an
innovative approach. In writing the essay you must bear in mind your two goals: to persuade
the admissions officer that you are extremely worthy of admission and to make the admissions
officer aware that you are more than a GPA and a standardized score, that you are a real-life,
intriguing personality.
Unfortunately, there is no surefire step-by-step method to writing a good essay. You may
remake your essay into an awesome, memorable masterpiece, but every topic requires a
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different treatment since no two essays are alike. However, we have compiled the following list
of tips that you should find useful while writing your admissions essay.
(1) Answer the question: You can follow the next 12 steps, but if you miss the question, you
will not be admitted to any institution.
(2) Be Original: Even seemingly boring essay topics can sound interesting if creatively
approached. If writing about a gymnastics competition you trained for, do not start your
essay: "I worked long hours for many weeks to train for XXX competition." Consider an
opening like, "Every morning I awoke at 5:00 to sweat, tears, and blood as I trained on the
uneven bars hoping to bring the state gymnastics trophy to my hometown."
(3) Be yourself: Admissions officers want to learn about you and your writing ability. Write
about something meaningful and describe your feelings, not necessarily your actions. If
you do this, your essay will be unique. Many people travel to foreign countries or win
competitions, but your feelings during these events are unique to you. Unless a philosophy
or societal problem has interested you intensely for years, stay away from grand themes
that you have little personal experience with.
(4) Dont thesaurize your composition: For some reason, students continue to think big
words make good essays. Big words are fine, but only if they are used in the appropriate
contexts with complex styles. Think Hemingway.
(5) Use imagery and clear, vivid prose: If you are not adept with imagery, you can write an
excellent essay without it, but it's not easy. The application essay lends itself to imagery
since the entire essay requires your experiences as supporting details. Appeal to the five
senses of the admissions officers.
(6) Spend the most time on your introduction: Expect admissions officers to spend 1-2 minutes
reading your essay. You must use your introduction to grab their interest from the
beginning. You might even consider completely changing your introduction after writing
your body paragraphs.
Don't summarize in your introduction. Ask yourself why a reader would want to read your
entire essay after reading your introduction. If you summarize, the admissions officer need
not read the rest of your essay.
Create mystery or intrigue in your introduction. It is not necessary or recommended that
your first sentence give away the subject matter. Raise questions in the minds of the
admissions officers to force them to read on. Appeal to their emotions to make them relate
to your subject matter.
(7) Body paragraphs must relate to the introduction: Your introduction can be original, but
cannot be silly. The paragraphs that follow must relate to your introduction.
(8) Use transition: Applicants continue to ignore transition to their own detriment. You must
use transition within paragraphs and especially between paragraphs to preserve the logical
flow of your essay. Transition is not limited to phrases like "as a result, in addition,
while . . . , since . . . , etc." but includes repeating key words and progressing the idea.
Transition provides the intellectual architecture to argument building.
(9) Conclusions are critical: The conclusion is your last chance to persuade the reader or
impress upon them your qualifications. In the conclusion, avoid summary since the essay
is rather short to begin with; the reader should not need to be reminded of what you wrote
300 words before. Also do not use stock phrases like "in conclusion, in summary, to
conclude, etc." You should consider the following conclusions:
Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion.
Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by
reiterating introductory phrases.
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Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs.
End with a famous quote that is relevant to your argument. Do not try to do this, as this
approach is overdone. This should come naturally.
Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread
appeal.
Remember, your essay need not be so tidy that you can answer why your little sister died
or why people starve in Africa; you are not writing a "sit-com," but should forge some
attempt at closure.
(10) Do something else: Spend a week or so away from your draft to decide if you still consider
your topic and approach worthwhile.
(11) Give your draft to others: Ask editors to read with these questions in mind:
WHAT is the essay about?
Have I used active voice verbs wherever possible?
Is my sentence structure varied or do I use all long or all short sentences?
Do you detect any clich?
Do I use transition appropriately?
Do I use imagery often and does this make the essay clearer and more vivid?
What's the best part of the essay?
What about the essay is memorable?
What's the worst part of the essay?
What parts of the essay need elaboration or are unclear?
What parts of the essay do not support your main argument or are immaterial to your
case?
Is every single sentence crucial to the essay? This MUST be the case.
What does the essay reveal about your personality?
Could anyone else have written this essay?
How would you fill in the following blank based on the essay: "I want to accept you to this
college because our college needs more ________."
(12) Revise, revise, revise: You only are allowed so many words; use them wisely. If H.D.
Thoreau couldn't write a good essay without revision, neither will you. Delete anything in
the essay that does not relate to your main argument. Do you use transition? Are your
introduction and conclusions more than summaries? Did you find every single grammatical
error?
Allow for the evolution of your main topic. Do not assume your subject must remain fixed
and that you can only tweak sentences.
Editing takes time. Consider reordering your supporting details, delete irrelevant sections,
and make clear the broader implications of your experiences. Allow your more important
arguments to come to the foreground. Take points that might only be implicit and make
them explicit.

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7. Sample Essays
(1) Stanford Application
When I look at this picture of myself, I realize how much Ive grown and changed, not only physically, but
also mentally as a person in the last couple of years. Less than one month after this photograph was
taken, I arrived at the [schools name] in [schools location] without any idea of what to expect. I entered
my second year of high school as an innocent thirteen year-old who was about a thousand miles from
home and was a new member of not the sophomore, but lower-middle class. Around me in this picture
are the things which were most important in my life at the time: studying different types of cars and
planes, following Michael Jordan? s latest move, and seeing the latest blockbuster show like Phantom
of the Opera or Jurassic Park. On my t-shirt is the rest of my life: tennis. Midway through my senior
year at the special [schools name] school, the focuses in my life have changed dramatically.

If there is one common occurrence which takes place for every single person in the diverse student body
at [schools name], it is that we all grow up much faster for having lived there. I do not know whether this
speeding up of the maturing process is generally good or bad, but I definitely have benefited.

The classroom has become a whole different realm for me. Before, the teachers and students alike
preached the importance of learning, but it was implicitly obvious that the most important concern was
grades. At [schools name] teachers genuinely believe that learning is the most importance objective and
deeply encourage us to collaborate with each other and make use of all resources that we may find. In
fact, in a certain class this year, my teacher assigned us to prepare every day of the week to discuss a
certain book; there were only two requirements in this preparationwe had to maximize our sources,
gleaning from everything and everyone in the school, but we were not allowed to actually look at the
book. As a result, I know more about that book than any other that I have actually read. It is teaching
methods such as this which ensure that we will learn more. Indeed, this matter of thinking has been
one of the most important aspects of my experience. Whether in Physics or English, Im required to
approach every problem and idea independently and creatively rather than just regurgitate the teachers
words. In discussion with fellow students both inside and outside of class, the complex thoughts flowing
through everyones brain is evident.

However, I believe that the most important concepts that I have espoused in being independent of my
parents for half of each year, deal with being a cosmopolitan person. The schools faculty and students
are conscious about keeping all of the kids attention from being based on the school. Every single issue
of global concern is brought forth by one group or another whether it be a faculty member, publication,
ethnic society, or individual student. Along with being aware of issues of importance, after attending
[schools name] my personality has evolved. First, my mannerisms have grown: the school stresses
giving respect to everyone and everything. Our former headmaster often said, Character can be
measured not by ones interaction with people who are better off than him or herself, but by ones
interactions with those who are worse off. The other prime goal of the schools community is to convert
every single timid lower-classman into a loud, rambunctious senior. Basically, if you have an opinion
about something, it is wrong not to voice that opinion. Of course, being obnoxious is not the idea. The
key is to become a master of communication with teachers, fellow students, all of who are a part of the
community, and most importantly, those who are outside of the community.

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I do not want to make [schools name] sound as if it produces the perfect students, because it doesnt.
But the school deserves a lot of credit for its efforts. Often, some part of the mold does remain. As the
college experience approaches, I am still the same person, only modified to better maximize my talents.
Although I still have some time to play tennis and see movies, perhaps one of the few similarities
between this photograph and me now is my smile.

ADMISSIONS COMMITTEE COMMENTS
This essay is fairly well written. The essayist makes boarding school his focus, using it to explain and
describe how and why he has changed over the years. A lot of students write about what wonderful
people they have become, but they fail to do a good job of understanding and explaining the forces that
prevailed to make them change. This writer focuses on the strengths of the school itself. He
demonstrates the sort of values it tries to instill in its students such as, Encouraging us to collaborate
with each other and make use of all resources that we may find, and Giving respect to everyone and
everything. Because the writer does so, the reader never doubts that the applicant possesses all the
qualities that he credits to the school. Using this method has two advantages. First, the positive, upbeat
attitude he has toward his institution is rare. Second, Stanford, for one, recognized that this would reflect
well on his ability to adapt to and be a positive force at their school.

(2) Wellesley Application Essay
It took me eighteen years to realize what an extraordinary influence my mother has been on my life.
Shes the kind of person who has thoughtful discussions about which artist she would most want to have
her portrait painted by (Sargent), the kind of mother who always has time for her four children, and the
kind of community leader who has a seat on the board of every major project to assist Washington]s
impoverished citizens. Growing up with such a strong role model, I developed many of her enthusiasms.
I not only came to love the excitement of learning simply for the sake of knowing something new, but I
also came to understand the idea of giving back to the community in exchange for a new sense of life,
love, and spirit.

My mothers enthusiasm for learning is most apparent in travel. I was nine years old when my family
visited Greece. Every night for three weeks before the trip, my older brother Peter and I sat with my
mother on her bed reading Greek myths and taking notes on the Greek Gods. Despite the fact that we
were traveling with fourteen-month-old twins, we managed to be at each ruin when the site opened at
sunrise. I vividly remember standing in an empty amphitheatre pretending to be an ancient tragedian,
picking out my favorite sculpture in the Acropolis museum, and inserting our family into modified tales of
the battle at Troy. Eight years and half a dozen passport stamps later I have come to value what I have
learned on these journeys about global history, politics and culture, as well as my family and myself.

While I treasure the various worlds my mother has opened to me abroad, my life has been equally
transformed by what she has shown me just two miles from my house. As a ten year old, I often
accompanied my mother to (name deleted), a local soup kitchen and childrens center. While she
attended meetings, I helped with the Summer Program by chasing children around the building and
performing magic tricks. Having finally perfected the floating paintbrush trick, I began work as a full
time volunteer with the five and six year old children last June. It is here that I met Jane Doe, an
exceptionally strong girl with a vigor that is contagious. At the end of the summer, I decided to continue
my work at (name deleted) as Janes tutor. Although the position is often difficult, the personal rewards
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are beyond articulation. In the seven years since I first walked through the doors of (name deleted), I
have learned not only the idea of giving to others, but also of deriving from them a sense of spirit.

Everything that my mother has ever done has been overshadowed by the thought behind it. While the
raw experiences I have had at home and abroad have been spectacular, I have learned to truly value
them by watching my mother. She has enriched my life with her passion for learning, and changed it with
her devotion to humanity. In her endless love of everything and everyone she is touched by, I have seen
a hope and life that is truly exceptional. Next year, I will find a new home miles away. However, my
mother will always be by my side.
The topic of this essay is the writers mother. However, the writer definitely focuses on herself, which
makes this essay so strong. She manages to impress the reader with her travel experience, volunteer
and community experience, and commitment to learning without ever sounding boastful or full of herself.
The essay is also very well organized.

(3) Harvard Application
Of all the characters that Ive met through books and movies, two stand out as people that I most want
to emulate. They are Attacus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird and Dr. Archibald Moonlight Graham
from Field of Dreams. They appeal to me because they embody what I strive to be. They are influential
people in small towns who have a direct positive effect on those around them. I, too, plan to live in a
small town after graduating from college, and that positive effect is something I must give in order to be
satisfied with my life.

Both Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham are strong supporting characters in wonderful stories. They symbolize
good, honesty, and wisdom. When the story of my town is written I want to symbolize those things. The
base has been formed for me to live a productive, helpful life. As an Eagle Scout I represent those things
that Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham represent. In the child/adolescent world I am Mr. Finch and Dr. Graham,
but soon Ill be entering the adult world, a world in which Im not yet prepared to lead.

Im quite sure that as teenagers Attacus Finch and Moonlight Graham often wondered what they could
do to help others. They probably emulated someone who they had seen live a successful life. They saw
someone like my grandfather, 40-year president of our hometown bank, enjoy a lifetime of leading,
sharing, and giving. I have seen him spend his Christmas Eves taking gifts of food and joy to indigent
families. Often when his bank could not justify a loan to someone in need, my grandfather made the loan
from his own pocket. He is a real-life Moonlight Graham, a man who has shown me that characters like
Dr. Graham and Mr. Finch do much much more than elicit tears and smiles from readers and movie
watchers. Through him and others in my family I feel I have acquired the values and the burning desire
to benefit others that will form the foundation for a great life. I also feel that that foundation is not enough.
I do not yet have the sophistication, knowledge, and wisdom necessary to succeed as I want to in the
adult world. I feel that Harvard, above all others, can guide me toward the life of greatness that will make
me the Attacus Finch of my town.

This essay is a great example of how to answer this question well. This applicant chose characters who
demonstrated specific traits that reflect on his own personality. We believe that he is sincere about his
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choices because his reasons are personal (being from a small town, and so forth). He managed to tell us
a good deal about himself, his values, and his goals while maintaining a strong focus throughout.

(4) Georgetown Application
For many years, I have been interested in studying international relations. My interest in pursuing this
field stems from several factors which have affected me. First, I have been exposed to international
affairs throughout my life. With my father and two of my brothers in the Saudi Foreign Service, I have
grown up under the shadow of international affairs. Second, I am fascinated by history, economics, and
diplomacy. I believe, through the study of international relations, I can effectively satisfy my curiosity in
these fields. A third factor which has affected my interest in international relations is patriotism. Through
the Foreign Service, I would not only have the opportunity to serve my country, but also have the chance
to help bridge gaps between my country and others. Finally, as a Saudi living abroad, I have been
bridging cultures throughout my life. This experience has taught me to look for differences to
compromise and similarities to synthesize in order to balance different cultures. In short, I believe that
my experiences in life, combined with a rigorous academic education, will enable me to pursue a
successful career in the Saudi Foreign Service.

Georgetown, Favorite Class
At St. Albans, especially in our later years, we are given the freedom to choose from a vast array of
classes. Using this freedom, I have selected classes which have personal significance to me, regardless
of difficulty or appearance on my transcript. However, from these classes, one holds an extraordinary
amount of value to me. This course is A.P. Omnibus History, a combination of American and European
history. There are several reasons for my great interest in this class. First, I am fascinated by the cyclical
nature of the past. I see these recurring political, economic, and social trends as a means of looking
forward into the future, while allowing us to avoid the mistakes of the past. Second, history teaches many
lessons about the nature of human behavior, both past and present, providing insight into the actions,
desires, and aspirations of those around me. Finally, it lays a solid foundation for several disciplines,
including political science, economics, and international relations, three fields of great interest to me.

Georgetown, Visual Arts
Another major interest of mine, which I have not had the opportunity to express elsewhere on my
application, is the visual arts. Throughout high school, I have used a variety of media to express myself. I
began with black and white photography, focusing on the presence of lines and balance in nature. For
my work in this medium, I received an award at the St. Albans School Art Show. From photography, I
moved on to glass etching. Using a sandblaster to etch the glass, I again concentrated on lines and
balance in my works. Moreover, by arranging several glass panes into a sculpture, I moved my study
into three dimensions, winning another Art Show award. Currently, I am working on canvas, using oil and
acrylic in a Mondrian style, which is based on lines and balance. Eventually, I hope to explore the effects
of combining these and other media, creating my own style of artistic expression.

Georgetown, Wrestling
In the past four years of my life, no activity has affected me more than wrestling. Four years of varsity
wrestling and the honor of being a team captain have instilled many qualities in me. First, through years
of hard work and continuous dieting, wrestling has given me discipline. This discipline has spread to
other parts of my personality, including my moral character, work ethic, and perseverance. Another
quality wrestling has given me is leadership. As a team captain, I have learned to lead by example, both
on and off the mat. Above all, though, wrestling has given me a love of life. Through this sport, I have
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experienced pain, sacrifice, adversity, and success. Exposure to these feelingswhich are, in my
opinion, the essence of beinghas allowed me to truly appreciate life. I hope to continue wrestling at
Georgetown.

What immediately strikes the reader about this setbefore even reading itis the balance between the
essays. Each answer contains only one paragraph, each of approximately equal length. The solid
structure of each essay and the focus of each reflect this outward balance. Each one focuses on a
completely different area of its writers life, another striking detail. The first focuses on his career goals,
the second on his interest in history, the third on his interest in the visual arts, and the fourth on wrestling.
This is a perfect example of the jigsaw puzzle approach. When put together, you have a well-rounded
individual with passion, depth, and involvement in many different areas.

(5) Princeton Application
A creek is no place for shoes. I think it s unreasonable to ask children to keep their shoes on in such a
place. My bare feet were always covered with calluses from walking down the rough pavement of
Peardale Street and around the corner, past the weeping willows, but not as far as the Lindsays
squeaky old swing-set. It was hard to see from the road, and as far as I could tell, nobody ever went
thereexcept for me. Large pines nearby stood tall and erect, looking down at the ripples and currents
that nudged each other about playfully, like children in the back seat of a car on a long drive. Stones and
pebbles lined the shallow bottom and allowed the water to glide in creative patterns over their smooth
surfaces. Larger, moss covered rocks dotted the bank and provided ideal spots for a child to sit and
watch and wonder.

The creek often taught me things; it was my mentor. Once I discovered tadpoles in several of the many
eddies and stagnant pools that lined the small rivulet. A cupped hand and a cleaned-out mayonnaise jar
aided me in clumsily scooping up some of the more slothful individuals. With muddy hands and knees, I
set them on the kitchen counter, and watched them daily as they developed into tiny frogs. I was
fascinated by what was taking place before my eyes, but new questions constantly puzzled me. Dad was
usually responsible for assuaging these curiosities. He told me about different kinds of metamorphosis
and how other little tiny creatures lived in the water that I couldnt see without a fancy magnifying glass.

By the creek, my mind was free to wander. I remember sitting silently on a mossy rock and watching the
birds; I used to pretend I was one. As my body lay still, my imagination would take flight. High above,
looking down on this stream from the pale blue heavens, the wind whistled over my face and the sun
warmed my body. When my eyes flickered open, it was usually time to go home. Sometimes I even did.

I was always up for a challenge. My sister and I used to jump from rock to rock, in a kind of improvised
hop-scotch obstacle course that tested our balance and agility against one another. She was four years
older and I had to practice every morning when she was at school in order to keep up. On the rare
occasions that I outdid her, I wore a goofy smirk for the rest of the day.

The creek was a frontier. The stream extended far into the depths of the woods. I thought that if I
wandered too far into its darkness, I might be consumed by it and never heard from again. Gradually
overcoming my fear, I embarked on expeditions and drafted extensive maps using my fathers old
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56
compass, a sheet of paper, and a few colored pencils. As my body grew in height and weight, my
boundaries grew in extent and breadth.

Years later, I happened to be walking to a friends house by way of the creek. It occurred to me that what
was once an expedition was now merely a shortcut. Although I had left this stream behind, I found others:
new questions and freedoms, new challenges and places to explore. But this creek would remain
foremost in my memory, whatever stream, river, or ocean I might wade.

Princeton, Athlete (football)
I have learned a great many things from participating in varsity football. It has changed my entire outlook
on and attitude toward life. Before my freshman year at [high-school], I was shy, had low self-esteem
and turned away from seemingly impossible challenges. Football has altered all of these qualities. On
the first day of freshman practice, the team warmed up with a game of touch football. The players were
split up and the game began. However, during the game, I noticed that I didnt run as hard as I could, nor
did I try to evade my defender and get open. The fact of the matter is that I really did not want to be
thrown the ball. I didnt want to be the one at fault if I dropped the ball and the play didnt succeed. I did
not want the responsibility of helping the team because I was too afraid of making a mistake. That aspect
of my character led the first years of my high school life. I refrained from asking questions in class, afraid
they might be considered too stupid or dumb by my classmates. All the while, I went to practice and
everyday, I went home physically and mentally exhausted.

Yet my apprehension prevailed as I continued to fear getting put in the game in case another player was
injured. I was still afraid of making mistakes and getting blamed by screaming coaches and angry
teammates. Sometimes these fears came true. During my sophomore season, my position at backup
guard led me to play in the varsity games on many occasions. On such occasions, I often made
mistakes. Most of the time the mistakes were not significant; they rarely changed the outcome of a play.
Yet I received a thorough verbal lashing at practice for the mistakes I had made. These occurrences only
compounded my fears of playing. However, I did not always make mistakes. Sometimes I made great
plays, for which I was congratulated. Now, as I dawn on my senior year of football and am faced with two
starting positions, I feel like a changed person.

Over the years, playing football has taught me what it takes to succeed. From months of tough practices,
I have gained a hard work ethic. From my coaches and fellow teammates, I have learned to work well
with others in a group, as it is necessary to cooperate with teammates on the playing field. But most
important, I have also gained self-confidence. If I fail, it doesnt matter if they mock or ridicule me; Ill just
try again and do it better. I realize that it is necessary to risk failure in order to gain success. The coaches
have always said before games that nothing is impossible; I know that now. Now, I welcome the
challenge. Whether I succeed or fail is irrelevant; it is only important that I have tried and tested myself.

The topic of this essay is how the applicant has matured and changed since his freshman year. He
focuses on football. One of the strengths of this essay is that it is well organized. The applicant clearly
put time into the structure and planning of this essay. He uses the platform of football to discuss and
demonstrate his personal growth and development through the high school years. What he could have
done better was spend more time describing him after he made improvements. As it is, he only tells us
about his newfound confidence and drive. This essay would have been stronger had he actually shown
us, perhaps by including a story or describing an event where his confidence made a difference.

Part I. Analysis of An Essay: Scoring Guide (OG-105)

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SAT 20090101

Par t I . Anal ysi s of an Essay

founded the Academy (386 B.C.)

heliocentric ordering of planets

microphone, the phonograph, and

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