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This April's Cosmo has an article featuring 50 Ways to Seduce a Man (In a Minute or Less). I
would have thought "Consent" would be enough, but apparently Cosmo needed to dig deeper:
"We asked Cosmo readers to share, and we must say that you ladies are some wickedly
creative vixens. Steal these quickie tricks (a few are from experts too), and let them inspire
countless new ones."
1. I had just bought this new perfume. I gave my guy a whiff, then challenged him to
find the patch of my body where I had spritzed it.
Either it's somewhere fun, in which case we'll find it in about 2 seconds, or else we don't care,
either way, your game sucks.
2. Ask him to bring you a towel after your shower, so he can see you naked, dripping,
and flushed.
By the time he gets the towel, you're going to be cold and pissed off. Not the way we like to
see you. Nice nips though.
3. "You know those treats you used to find at the bottom of a cereal box? One
morning, I hid the new finger vibrator I'd just gotten in my guy's cereal for him to
discover."
And now I have to throw out that entire box of Peanut Butter Pows. Thanks.
4. "My fianc and I always run together, and one time on a quiet path, I told him to stop
so I could tie my shoe. But when I kneeled down, I started giving him oral instead."
And at what point did you realize how much of a sweat he had worked up from running?
5. Send him a naughty, fill-in-the-blank e-mail: "Tonight, I promise to _____ your ______
as soon as you walk in the door. Then I'll give you a ______ for ______ minutes" You
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Out at a noisy, crowded bar? Accept that you don't always have to be the center of attention
and let him have some fun with his friends for once.
15. "Before the guy I was hooking up with came over, I stripped the duvet and fluffy
pillows off my bed and put together a makeshift bed on the floor of my den. When he
arrived, I was lying in it, totally naked."
Sex on the floor, it's like sex in bed, but your back hurts the next day.
16. If you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, strip off all your
clothes before sliding back into bed. There's a good chance you'll wake up to him
pawing at you.
Make sure you wipe really, really good.
17. "I got caught in a rainstorm on my way home. A block before my place, I took off my
coat so my white tee would be soaked. My boyfriend was very happy to see me."
Bullshit. If you got "caught" in a rainstorm, it was probably summer, since that's when most
pop-up rainstorms happen. But, in the summer you wouldn't be going around with a coat in
the first place, unless you were prepared for rain, in which case you wouldn't have been
"caught" in it.
18. Take the sexy-girl-next-door fantasy to a whole new level by meeting him at the
front door wearing nothing but a pair of pigtails and his favorite baseball hat.
That's not a whole new level. That's the original level. What did you think the sexy-girl-next
door fantasy was?
19. Slip an X-rated doodle like a couple getting it on doggie-style into his coat
pocket. To make your intentions crystal clear, title it "What I Can't Wait to Do Tonight."
Hold on Take the sexy-girl-next-door?
That's what she said.
20. My boyfriend goes crazy over this one thong I have. Occasionally, I'll wear low
riding pants and let it peek out.
Fail whale. Not sexy.
21. "One morning, I served my guy breakfast in bed, but told him he would only eat it
off my body."
I really hope you're French. And not Irish.
22. When you come back from the gym, walk right up to him and say, "The whole time I
was on the treadmill, all I was thinking about was how much I wanted to go down on
you."
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What you just told your guy is that if he can convince you that you need to lose weight, he'll get
more blowjobs. "Yes, those pants do make your ass look fat, honey. Maybe spend more time
on the treadmill?"
23. "I switched out our usual opaque shower curtain for a clear one. My guy walked in
to find me soaping up my boobs and grinning at him. He hopped right in."
He walked in to find you grinning at him? How exactly does that work? Do you just stare at the
door smiling, soaping up your boobs, hoping he'll walk in? That's really weird.
[In short sidebar, Cosmo provides some tips for guys, including: "If the bathroom door is
closed, it's for a reason. Even if the water is running, puh-lease do not surprise us in the
shower."]
24. Scoop an ice cube out of his drink, and drop it down your blouse then lean back
and tell him to find it.
Get your dirty, don't-know-where-they've-been fingers out of our drinks.
25. "My boyfriend and I were waiting in this crazy-long line at the DMV. To kill time, we
started playing hangman. The phrase I had in mind was "I'm horny." When he finally
figured it out, we got the hell out of there."
Which one of you made the other suffer through waiting in line at the DMV? Either way, that
relationship needs to end.
26. Strip off your work clothes, but leave on your high heels as you walk around the
room, tidying up, taking off your jewelry, making him drool, etc.
Right, the take off your clothes thing again. Glad it's in here twice, wouldn't want to forget.
27. "On our way home from visiting his parents, I told my boyfriend to plug an address
into the GPS. He kept asking me where we were going, so finally I told him it was the
location of a sex-toy store. Knowing that I had planned this in advance and had been
sitting at his parents' place thinking about it for hours totally turned him on."
"You know what I was thinking about the whole time I was talking to your dad? Doing it."
28. Hand-wash your tiniest lingerie, and hang it up around your house to dry and
drive him wild with lust.
Unless your guy is still in middle school, laundry is just laundry. It's what's inside that turns us
on. So please, just clean up your damn mess.
29. Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the
buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power.
Um what? No. We'll pass, thanks. Really. Just don't.
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30. "I asked my husband to grab something out of my purse, knowing he would find the
dirty book and especially hot scene that I'd dog-eared stashed in there."
Ever notice that men buy a ton of porn, but never dirty books? Yeah, he didn't read that scene
you marked. Imagine you found a pack of Topps baseball cards in his sock drawer. How
turned on are you now? Same thing.
31. "Once, I snuck into the dressing room at a store with my guy, threw him up against
the wall, and kissed him. We went home and had sex immediately."
So now he has to go out shopping with you again?
32. Slip into one of his oversize button-downs and nothing else before snuggling
on the couch with him. Lie on your side with your head pointing away from him, so that
when he looks over, he catches an up-shirt view of, well, everything.
Button-down actually refers to the type of collar, one with buttons, as opposed to a point collar.
What you mean is a button-up shirt.
33. "My friends and I signed up for a pole-dancing class. I told my boyfriend I was just
going out for drinks with the girls, and when I came home, I revealed where I had
really been and showed him the sexy routine they'd taught us."
So, when you signed up for the class, you already had the pole installed at home to
demonstrate the routine on?
34. After a workout, come home and peel off your clothes in front of him.
See, #13 and #26 had given me the impression that you can only strip off little black dresses
or work clothes. Thanks for clarifying, but perhaps the May issue could include a
comprehensive list of clothes that are capable of being removed.
35. "The guy I was dating was writing a midterm paper. When he got up from his
laptop, I inserted the words Let's bleep. He met me in the bedroom ASAP.
Two words: Track changes.
36. While you're out running mundane errands together, graze your butt past his
package discreetly but very purposefully.
Then laugh at him as he pops a woody in public and tries to hide it.
37. "I'm really forward when I'm in the mood, and I'm known to just grab my guy's hand,
place it between my legs, and give him a look. He loves how bold I am."
How exactly do you become "known" for that?
38. "Drop" your purse by his feet in the middle of a crowded store. When you stand up
from retrieving it, run your fingers the whole way up his leg and over his crotch.
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And since it's a crowded store, you know, as you get up make sure he hasn't moved and
it's not someone else standing there now.
39. "I usually start off my day with five or ten minutes of yoga. Sometimes, I do it naked,
so my guy wakes up to find me in some compromising positions."
Seriously? Have you not noticed how flattering yoga pants are? And without the creepy naked
exercise factor.
40. Sit on his lap at a party. Then, subtly shift your weight back and forth over his
package until he's good and riled up. No one will know but the two of you.
And everybody else.
41. Label areas of the house where you two have never gotten busy with creative
titles like The Doggie-Style Den or The Oral Corner. Tell him the goal for the night is
to move from station to station until the whole place is christened.
The Gay-For-Pay Garage, The Blumpkin Bathroom, The Finish First And Fall Asleep Before
You're Done Bedroom.
42. "I came to bed holding a wooden spatula in my hand. When my guy asked what the
hell I was doing, I told him that I had been a bad girl and needed a spanking. I thought
his eyes were going to bulge out of his head."
They make wooden spatulas? What for?
I mean, other than this, what do you need a wooden one for instead of rubber?
43. "My fianc and I trade off cleaning duties every month. When it was my turn, I put
on a slutty maid costume, walked in front of him, bent over, and started dusting."
But if we call it a slutty maid costume, ohhh, now we're being sexist. That is such an unfair
double standard.
44. Send him a naughty sext when you're sitting right next to each other in a movie
theater or when you're out to dinner with friends.
Because nothing is sexier than being rude to the people around you. The people behind you in
the theater can see the light from your cell phone, and it's very distracting.
45. Stare longingly at his package for a few seconds.
It might just have one eye, but this is a staring contest you cannot win.
46. "I always tell my boyfriend that if I had a stripper song, it would be 'Pour Some
Sugar on Me.' Every now and then, I'll make sure it's playing when he comes home.
It's like our personal sex signal, and he knows he's in for a good night whenever that
happens."
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You "always" tell him that? How many times has this come up?
47. Walk up to him, slap a pair of handcuffs on his wrists, and tell him he's your sex
slave for the night.
Just for the night? That's more like sex indentured servitude.
48. Pull your underwear aside, and tell him you want him inside you, like, yesterday.
What you want him to hear is that you really want him inside you right this moment. What he's
going to hear is that you want him inside you like he was inside you yesterday.
If you didn't have sex with him yesterday, start looking for a new boyfriend.
49. Orchestrate your own private peep show: Ask your guy to come around to your
side of the car to help you out. When he does, have your dress or skirt hiked way up
so that when you step out, he sees that you are most definitely going commando for
the evening.
What would be even sexier is a basic understanding of spatial relations and geometry.
50. "On my husband's birthday last year, I made him a cake and wrote 'Happy Birthday!
Do anything you want to me tonight' in bright pink frosting."
We kinda already take birthday sex as a given, so you know that doesn't count as your gift,
right?
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COMMENTS (230)
230 comments
Christen Abma
As a feminist woman, I found this hilarious and actually anti-sexism. I mean, wasn't
the whole joke in this that life isn't a porno and most people's boyfriends are not
looking at their girlfriend every moment for a sign they want to have sex? The original
50 was far more sexist, suggesting that the best way to please your man was to
assume he's a brainless idiot with no feelings outside sex and that something like
doing laundry will get him hot and bothered.
This guy clearly isn't annoyed at the fact that women want to have sex, he's annoyed at
the fact that this magazine has no idea what realistic sex is or how most of these are
not very sexy or practical outside of porno sets.
I found it hilarious simply because he DID view women as independent individuals
with lives in obvious contrast to magazine's sexist view of women.
Reply Like
Livingstone Jackson II
School
"As a Feminist woman" Let me stop you right there darlun. Take your
Sociological views and hit the x button this here is college humour.
Magazines are tailored to play on what women deem is sexy or rather what
they "think" we want. If a lad mag had "Ram your fist up your girl
unexpectedly" they would get closed down. It's all about playing stereotypes
especially playing on the emotions of gullible women who read this rag
and decide "I'm going to totally do everything" Your Political correctness
shouldn't come into play can't we come together as Egalitarians and
address problems with the media? Personally i think movements are only
useful for one or two waves and after those intial victories they thrive for
more. Like a greedy little child.
Reply Like
29 July 10 at 11:38am
Jimmy Rishe
It appears that you've written a long diatribe about the first four words of her
post without reading the rest. Dumba**.
Reply Like
Christen Abma
Livingstone Jackson II I find it screamingly hilarious that you read the first
few WORDS (not even the whole sentence) and were so blinded by your
stereotypes of what a feminist is that your brain just shut off. Therefore, you
didn't realize I thought the article was hilarious and not anti-feminist in the
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didn't realize I thought the article was hilarious and not anti-feminist in the
slightest. You sir, are a poster child of what it means to be close minded
and biased.
Reply Like
View 32 more
Michaela Renee Top Commenter Technology Support Specialist at SERRC Alaska's Educational Resource Center/The Learning Connection (TLC)
Flog me if you want, but there sure are a lot of butthurt women on here. The quotes
were nauseating while the commentary was hilarious. Apparently I'm being a feminist
incorrectly. Oops.
Reply Like
35 June 29 at 9:10pm
87 January 24 at 3:58am
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the confusing whirlpool that is young adult-dom. That's why it's funny. It
stops being funny when you put down other people (especially those who
are still widely deemed socially inferior) who are just trying to get their freak
on.
Reply Like
28 January 24 at 11:56am
James Incredible-Jackson
Natalie Copeland He's picking on the fact that Cosmo doesn't really give
ANY good romance advice. They just plaster "SEX" in large font on the front
cover to get women to pick it up. Most of the "tips" Cosmo provides really
just boils down to: "tell your man you want to f*ck". Most are completely
lacking in originality, and, if ANYTHING are insulting to men on the
intellectual level. It's (usually) basically: "Strip naked and grab his junk. He's
stupid. He'll LOVE IT!" There are creative ways for women to spice things
up romantically with their mate, it's just that Cosmo RARELY provides that
kind of info.
Reply Like
View 38 more
Tyrone Kujo University of Maine
I really want to know what people find so bad about this. Some of the rebuttals are
hilarious, and some fell flat. None of them however should be taken as an offense to
women. I'll try to go through a few of them and explain why they aren't misogynistic, and
if you think that there are others that are, I'll try to explain those to you as well.
#3 Guys do not want to find your vibrators in their cereal, even if it is a new one as it
sounded like this was, there is a time and a place, and my Golden Graham time is not
it.
#4 If you're okay with all that sweat, it's fine. The writer was just pointing out that you
might not have thought through this part of the plan.
#5 Sometimes guys don't want sex. Show your love by making us feel good. A woman
might write "Draw up, bath, foot massage, 150".
#7 The writer didn't even point out how... See More
Reply Like
48 February 24 at 1:44pm
See, the way you typed this out made me way less angry. The original
poster? Sounded like an asshole. You, however, not so much. It's all in the
way the tone comes across and how it is worded.
Reply Like
6 February 28 at 6:04am
14 March 20 at 5:33am
Joel Martin
Bravo, Tyrone. You are a more patient and better man than I.
Reply Like
2 July 23 at 6:54am
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View 3 more
21 March 26 at 1:27pm
2 March 26 at 2:53pm
2 March 27 at 3:52am
You know, this could be the author asserting themself, at which point you're
doing what you knock on the author for- Wait, no. He just came up with
something to counter everything he read on Cosmo. Hey, I wonder... What
if... Even the author didn't completely feel what he was writing, but did it
because it worked to counter it. I think what the author pointed out the most
is that Cosmo literally turned everything into "sex sex sex" even at points
where quite a few people would be uncomfortable with it. It didn't seem like
there was a lot of shaming done in the article, but there seems to have
been in your mind. I mean, maybe note how ridiculous some of these are,
"tell him you were thinking about blowing him while working out"
"Tell him you were thinking about blowing him while with his family"
"Tell him you want to fuck him whi... See More
Reply Like
2 July 29 at 7:24am
View 1 more
Erin Foote
Holy fuck ladies! It's College HUMOR, not College Womens-Rights-Butthurt. They are
simply writing about the stupid nonsense women send to Cosmo that doesn't make
any sense.
You guys have made a mockery of feminism and give the feminist movement a bad
name. Get over yourselves and shove your Women's Studies major directly in your
tampon receptacle because that's all it's good for. This is not the place for it.
Reply Like
2 July 29 at 3:03am
2 August 25 at 12:00pm
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See, at first this was funny, but then it kept going, and I think we all lost
sight of whom you were mocking.
Reply Like
15 January 9 at 11:06am
2 January 12 at 10:33am
View 4 more
Karen Lee
I laughed. Since I think that's what was intended, I'd say kudos for a job well done.
(Unless you really did mean for it to be serious social commentary. In which case, I
still laughed.)
Reply Like
18 January 8 at 2:57am
1 July 29 at 2:07am
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Believe it or not there is a double standard about the term sexist. Alanis Morissette
wrote a song "hand in my pocket" sold without a parental advisory sticker despite
being about self gratification whereas Harvey Danger published a song "flagpole sitta"
which was also about self gratification and required a sticker. I could go on and on
with examples of the censorship of male expression in the art world but instead I'll
leave it at this, I think feminism is great! Women should be proud of who they are and
100% deserve equality but double standards do not make equality.
Reply Like
1 July 27 at 10:58am
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