Professional Documents
Culture Documents
by Wallace Irwin
(#2 in our series by Wallace Irwin)
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Edition: 10
Language: English
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE LOVE SONNETS OF A CAR CONDUCTOR ***
By
Wallace Irwin
Author of
The Love Sonnets of a Hoodlum
The Rub�iy�t of Omar Khayy�m, Junior
Etc.
Copyright, 1908
by Paul Elder and Company
Introduction
What position does Slang occupy in the thought of the world? Let us turn
to Zoology for an answer.
By such logical, irrefutable, inductive steps have I proven not only the
Status of Slang, but the literary importance of these Sonnets which it
is at once my scientific duty and my esthetic pleasure to introduce.
The twenty-six exquisite Sonnets which form this Cycle were written,
probably, during the years 1906 and 1907. Their author was William Henry
Smith, a car conductor, who penned his passion, from time to time, on
the back of transfer-slips which he treasured carefully in his hat[1].
We have it from no less an authority than Professor Sznuysko that the
Car Conductor usually performed these literary feats in public, writing
between fares on the rear platform of a Sixth Avenue car. Smith's
devotion to his Musa Sanctissima was often so hypnotic, I am told, that
he neglected to let passengers on and off - nay, it is even held by some
critics that he occasionally forgot to collect a fare. But be it said to
his undying honor that his Employers never suffered from such
carelessness, for it was the custom of our Poet to demand double fares
from the old, the feeble and the mentally deficient.
Where are lines like these to be found in the Italian of Petrarch? Where
has Tasso uttered an impassioned confession to resemble this:
Of the human or personal record of William Henry Smith very little has
been discovered. Looking over the books of the Metropolitan Street
Railway I unearthed the following entry:
"Nov. 1, 1907:"
"Remarks: - Car No. 21144, William Smith, conductor, ran into large
brewery truck at So. E. cor. Sixth Ave. It is reported that Smith, to
the neglect of his duty, was reading poetry from a book called 'Sonnets
of de Heredia' at the time of the accident. Three Italians were slightly
injured by the accident, and Ethelbert Pangwyn, an actor starring in
'The Girl and the Idiot,' a musical comedy, was killed."
"Smith was held for manslaughter, but Judge O' Rafferty, who had seen
'The Girl and the Idiot,' discharged the defendant, averring that the
killing of Pangwyn did not constitute a crime."
What, then, has become of this minstrel who sang the Minnelieder of the
Car-barns? Like Homer, like Omar, like Sappho, like Shakespeare, he is a
Voice singing out of the mists. He was but a Name to his employers; and
his friends, if he has friends, remember him not. These Sonnets, written
neatly on twenty-six violet transfer-slips, were discovered, together
with a rejection blank from a leading magazine, in the Dead Letter
office. According to the current folk-lore in Harlem and the Bronx,
Smith is now living in California employed as a brakeman on the Southern
Pacific Railroad. Some aver that Pansy fell heiress to a sausage
establishment and moved to Italy with her Poet. Still others maintain
that Pansy, Gill the Grip and Maxy the Firebug never existed in real
life - were merely the mind-children of a Symbolist and a dreamer of
dreams.
So much for the Poet and his Purpose. Should any one of the readers of
this Cycle doubt the enduring greatness of the lines, let him consider
that I, Wolfgang Copernicus Addleburger, have seen fit to introduce them
to immortality.
Prologue
Hark ye, all marks who break the Pure Fool Law,
How I, the Windy Wonder of the Age,
Have fought the Tender Passion to a draw
And got my mug upon the Sporting Page,
Since Love and I collided at the curve
And left me with a Dislocated Nerve.
II
III
IV
V
"There'll be some fancy steps at Car-Barn Hall,"
Gilly the Gripman pipes me off today,
"This won't be any gabberfest - for say!
Nix but the candy goes to this here ball.
You've got to flash your union card, that's all,
To circulate the maze with Tessie May,
And all the Newport push out Harlem way
Will slip on wax till sunrise, - do you call?"
VI
VII
VIII
IX
XI
XII
XIV
XV
XVI
XVII
XVIII
XIX
XX
XXII
Epilogue
*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, THE LOVE SONNETS OF A CAR CONDUCTOR ***
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