Cast:

Actor: Ci Bóbby (Cory Lebow)

Actress: Deprice Mono (Alana Wright)
Director: Derika Tore (Jessica Lambert)
Soundtress: Monica Bang (Rebekah Crawford)
Narrotor: Tanya Narrátor (Jessie Gripka)

Lights, Camera, Action

Actor: A dateless bargain engrossing death! Come, bitter conduct; come, unsavory guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on. The dashing rocks thy seasick weary bark!
Here’s to my love! [Drinks] O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I
die.

Actress: What’s here? A cup, closed in my truelove’s hand? Poison, I see, hath been his
timeless end. O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss
thy lips. Haply some poison yet doth hang on them to make me die with a restorative.
[Kisses Romeo Soundtress: Kissing sound] Thy lips are warm! [Irish Drinking Song]
Yea, noise? Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! [Sound of unsheathing] This is they
sheath; there rust, and let me die. [Stab and fall]

Director: Cut! [Clapper]

Soundtress: Slice!

Director: That’s appalling!

Narrator: We enter upon Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. The poor Juliet has just slain
herself upon Romeo’s calm bosom in the beautiful name of love.

Soundtress: Aww….(in a loving manner)

Narrator: The director has cut with a ferocious rage as the two “very amateur” actors have
completely mutilated the dramatic climax to such a great play.

Director: That was absolutely horrendous! You two should never even attempt to act
again! Not even charades!

Soundtress: Ching ching ching (sword sounds).

Narrator: The director is apparently distraught with such poor acting quality. This could
be due to insecurities about himself derived from a lack of love exhibited by his mother.
Director: Shut up Narrator! No one asked for your commentary!

Actress: [Monotone] My mother never loved me and look how I turned out.

Soundtress: Blahhh…(as if coughing up hairball.)

Actor: Stop screaming [on the verge of tears] Just stop. You’re ruining my karma.

Actress: It’s aura you idiot.

Soundtress: Ahhh, (hallelujah style)

Actor: That was perfect Monica. [Saying this homosexually]

Narrator: Once again we are plagued by the insecurities and inadequacies of the cast and
staff.

Soundtress: [In a cough] We can hear you!

Actor: I’m going to go do my hair.

Director: No one is going anywhere until we get this perfect.

Soundtress: Bum. Bum. Bum.

Director: Deprice Mono, you sound like you hate him! You are in love! Remember? So
instead of saying [bored and monotone] “Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me
after? I will kiss thy lips.” The lines should be full of emotion and passion! It needs to
sound like this, [overly dramatic] “Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I
will kiss thy lips.” [The cast laughs, Director does not notice] And Ci Bobby… You
have the emotion… Lord knows you have the emotion… But Romeo is not always a
crying pansy! He is sensitive yet masculine.

Actor: [Crying] I am masculine!

Actress: Masculine! Ha! Masculine my foot! You’re as masculine as a toy poodle.

Soundtress: Ruff, Ruff, Ruff!!

Actor: [Still crying] Hey if anything, I would be a French poodle.

Actress: Oh that is another thing… Your name is Ci Bobby… you are not even French!
Where’s your accent?

Actor: I have an accent! I’ve just stream lined the way I talk in order to not offend
anyone.
Actress: Really? Let’s hear it.

Actor: Fine you want to hear it so bad, fine. [Jamaican accent] There mon, I told you I
was French.

Actress: That’s not French you idiot! That’s Jamaican!

Actor: No it’s not mon! It’s French.

Soundtress: Yeah man, that’s not French. At least eat a crumpet and some tea. Then
you’d be a little French.

Actress: Crumpets and tea! That’s English you dim-witted baboon!

[Sound of everyone fighting and crazy sound]

Soundtress: (Random sounds) Bam, pow, smack! (batman style)

Director: Everyone stop!

Soundtress: (Crash cymbals)

Actor: (Makes little whimper as if frightened)

Director: Are we done? Good. Now… does everyone know what they are supposed to
do? [Everyone murmurs in agreement] Now lets start from where you two screwed up
horribly…Everyone ready? Okay, record in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, action.

Soundtress: ACTION!

Actor: A dateless bargain engrossing death! Come, bitter conduct; come, unsavory guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on. The dashing rocks thy seasick weary bark!
Here’s to my love! [Drinks] O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I
die.

Actress: What’s here? A cup, closed in my truelove’s hand? Poison, I see, hath been his
timeless end. O churl! Drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss
thy lips. Haply some poison yet doth hang on them to make me die with a restorative.
[Kissing sound] Thy lips are warm! [Irish Drinking Song] Yea, noise? Then I’ll be
brief. O happy dagger! [Sound of unsheathing] This is they sheath; there rust, and let
me die. [Stab and fall]

Director: Perfect! That was awesome! You see, all you guys needed was the great
direction of …me.
Narrator: And the curtain drops upon a horrid tragedy… and by that I mean the acting
ability of these pitiful actors.

[Rooster crows and monkeys howl]