As promised, here is the link to the full interviews for the singles in leadership series. Please feel free to share this with anyone you think may be encouraged by these interviews. Thank you so much to Sam Allberry, Katelyn Beaty, Andy Herbek, Melissa Wade, Paul Matthies, and Bethany Jenkins.
As promised, here is the link to the full interviews for the singles in leadership series. Please feel free to share this with anyone you think may be encouraged by these interviews. Thank you so much to Sam Allberry, Katelyn Beaty, Andy Herbek, Melissa Wade, Paul Matthies, and Bethany Jenkins.
As promised, here is the link to the full interviews for the singles in leadership series. Please feel free to share this with anyone you think may be encouraged by these interviews. Thank you so much to Sam Allberry, Katelyn Beaty, Andy Herbek, Melissa Wade, Paul Matthies, and Bethany Jenkins.
MARRIED? WHY? I ve never felt a particular call to singleness other than knowing that it is Gods will for me for as long as I remain unmarried. Ive never had a clear sense of God telling me Im going to be single for the rest of my life. I do have a sense that I probably will be, that marriage is unlikely, but would not want to describe that as a call as such. So my hunch is that I will be single long term. That said, there are times when I deeply desire to be married. I would love to have that kind of compan- ionship - to come frst for someone. Even with good friends it can feel lonely and isolating at times to be single. So yes, there are times when I would love to be married. And times when I am very happy being single. HOW ARE YOU SERVING THE LOCAL CHURCH AND THE KINGDOM WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS? T here are a number of ways (I hope) that I am using my singleness for the kingdom. I work as a pastor at a church, and I know that being single releases me to do this in a way that would not be as easy were I mar- ried. I can be out most evenings and weekends without the issue of neglecting family back home. I can spend more time at the offce. I will have a slightly different capacity than some married colleagues might - able to give more time to certain aspects of the ministry. More specifcally, I hope I am able to teach and mod- el something of what the single like should look like. There are a number of people at church who are sin- gle and over-40, through bereavement or divorce. The temptations to become romantically involved and even marry unbelievers is acute for many of them. We have lost too many through that route. So I hope when I speak to that from the pulpit that it carries credibility. I do know what it is like to fall in love with someone the SAM ALLBERRY PASTOR Sam is a pastor from the UK who writes on a variety of issues, some related to being single or celibacy, some related to other ministry aspects. I have come to deeply appreciate his wisdom on various matters, and his dry wit from across the Atlantic. You can nd him on twitter @samallberry and as a regular contributor to Living Out. Each time I read a well-intentioned article on how to make the most of your single years, I scan down to the authors bio and often discover that, sure enough, hes married to his college sweetheart, pulling advice from a brief period of adult-singleness years ago. This is how I opened my August 2014 article on Chris- tianity Today called Why Singles Belong in Church Leadership. The dearth of singles within leadership po- sitions in churches and ministries these days is saddening to me at best, and alarming at worst. Nearly half of the U.S. population (43.6% according to the 2010 U.S. Cen- sus) is single: thats nearly half the church. Citing Christ and Paul as only two of many examples in the bible, there should be plenty of room for unmarried men and women to serve in key roles within the body of Christ. With this in mind, I reached out to several friends from around the world who are doing just that. They are all examples of people in different seasons of life (20s into 40s) who have not allowed their singleness to hamper their ministry, but instead use the time and freedom they have to better pursue the Lord with undistracted devotion. My hope is these interviews this will primarily encourage singles to use this season of life in richer ways, but also they will also encourage the Church to consider actively seeking to staff unmarried people in key roles. (Read the article if you want to know why.) There are obvious limitations for each of us as we walk in our given seasons faithfully, but those limitations havent terminated us from ministry. One of my art professors in college used to give us very tight parameters for pieces he assigned. Something like we could only use two colors and one medium, or one color and one shape. Designing within those constraints was a life lesson as well for me. I learned to create from little and trust the boundary lines truly had fallen for me in pleasant places (Ps. 16). I hope these interviews challenge and encourage you as much as they did me. Lore Ferguson, editor SAYABLE.NET Bible would forbid you from marrying. I can speak from experience and echo some of the pains, all the while calling people to remain faithful to Christ. I think it helps to have single people in- volved in pastoral ministry. More generally, there are other ways I hope I am putting my singleness to good use. I am aware that it makes things more fexible. I am able to travel and minister elsewhere relatively easily as a single per- son. I have been able to get to know and be involved with ministries in a number of parts of the world. This has been a huge privilege. I hope, too, that I am using my single- ness to be as good a friend as possible. Being single means I have a greater ca- pacity (and need!) for friendship than many married friends, and I am more able to visit and support good friends. I appreciate there are times when I can drop everything and go and see friends if they are in a crisis. I am so thankful for that. (Whether they are is another matter...) TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS OF WRESTLING, EITHER IN THE PAST OR CONTINUED, WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLE- NESS. WHAT CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST IN THIS SEASON? T here have been a lot of ups and downs in my experience as a single Christian. There are times I have resent- ed being single. I went through a pain- ful period when I began to realise that getting married and having children were not a given and I had to come to terms with the possibility that they might never happen at all. Id always wondered what kind of dad I would be - Id looked for- ward to being like my own father. I have always wanted to provide my parents with a daughter-in-law and grandchil- dren. These are hard dreams to give over to the Lord. In my late twenties and early thirties it felt like going through a bit of a bereavement as friends went through these stages and I began to sense I might not have the opportunity to. I have also discovered that in many re- spects being single has become harder as I have got older - there are fewer other single people around the older you get, and so friendships work a bit differently. I tend to have more friends that I see less often, and very few people that I can easily hang out with at short notice. At times this can be painful. Sometimes you just want to see someone at a particular moment, only to fnd the next available time they are free is in a month or so. So there have been times when I have been resentful of being single. But at the same time, there are ways in which it has been easier - I have learned (slowly!) how to live as a single person and grown into it somewhat. Throughout all this, one of the key things I have had to learn is that the key to contentment as a single person is not found in being content in singleness - in persuading yourself that it is the best thing ever. The key is being content in Christ, as a single person. If I was mar- ried, there would be the same number of ups and downs as I currently face as a single person. The grass will always seem greener somewhere else. But the more I have learned to fnd contentment in Christ, the less it seems to matter to me whether I am married or single. Know- ing Jesus is the key to life. As I say that, I am conscious it is a battle to keep believing it. Every day I need to make time to get my heart glad in the Lord. Its a fght. But its a fght that makes a whole load of other fghts much easier. Certain passages and truths have really helped with this. John 15 has become an old friend when I need to walk my way through what it means to be in Christ - the pain and the privilege involved. The fact remains that nothing ever ends up being truly worse when youre with Je- sus, and nothing ends up being truly better without him. Some things may be harder, but they are certainly not worse. I know that Jesus will do all things well. WHAT IS THE DEEPEST CHAL- LENGE TO YOU DOING MINIS- TRY UNMARRIED? O ne of the hardest things for me being single in ministry is that I often feel emotionally spent, and then fnd myself returning to an empty home. It is hard not having someone to process things with, to laugh and cry with. Min- istry exposes you to the best and worst of Gods people (and of yourself, too, for that matter) and it is hard not having someone to share all that with. Some- times it feels like I bottle up a lot of this stuff for weeks at a time. I may have a greater time capacity as a single person, but I sometimes wonder if I also have a smaller emotional capacity. WHAT IS THE RICHEST BLESS- ING TO YOU IN YOUR SINGLE- NESS TODAY? I guess what I am dong right now is a huge blessing. As I answer these ques- tions, Im doing so while staying in the home of some very dear friends who I have the opportunity of spending a few days with. I wouldnt have come across you, Lore, and a great many other peo- ple, were it not for the ministry opportu- nities that have come my way as a single person. So this very moment typifes some of the things that are best about being a single person - a wide range of experiences and friends I otherwise would not have had, all of which in his unfathomable goodness God seems to be using. That blows my mind. So there it is: being single has been a means God has used to impress upon me his good- ness. DO YOU FEEL A CERTAIN CALL TO REMAIN SINGLE OR DO YOU HAVE A DESIRE TO BE MARRIED? WHY? I feel a certain call to remain single only insofar as I am single, and understand that to be prov- identially ordered, though the full meaning of it is indiscernible to me. I do not feel a certain call to remain single, if that means that I would refuse marriage even if the chance to enter a happy one came my way. I have desired marriage throughout my 20s. HOW ARE YOU SERVING THE LOCAL CHURCH AND THE KINGDOM WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS? B eing unmarried enables me to more sin- gle-mindedly (no pun intended) lead, write, and edit at Christianity Today magazine, which ex- ists to educate and equip the church to live on mission in all its particular culturally and geo- graphically bound expressions. This season has also allowed me to delve into a book project (due out in 2016) about the goodness of womens work and cultural contribution. TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS OF WRES- TLING, EITHER IN THE PAST OR CON- TINUED, WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS. WHAT CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST IN THIS SEASON? P art of the process of wrestling with singleness has meant believing and re-believing these truths: God has not forgotten or abandoned me or anyone else who desires to be married and is not (Is. 49; Luke 12). God does not look at me and see unattached person or half person, but rather sees me as his glorious handiwork, created to do good KATELYN BEATY MANAGING EDITOR: CHRISTIANITY TODAY Katelyn is the Managing editor of Christianity Today and one of the sharpest thinkers around. She is wise and winsome, and while deeply desiring marriage, hasnt allowed the lack of it to hinder what she knows the Lord is calling her to do today. You can nd her on twitter @katelynbeaty and as a regular writer at Christianity Today. works alongside other believers (Ps. 139; Eph. 2:10). Real life or ministry doesnt be- gin on ones wedding day. The call of Christ on our lives starts the day we choose to follow him, and he intends for us to live the abun- dant life for and through him now, whether or not a spouse is in tow (Eph. 5:16). It is not up to me to worry about the future and whether it will include a spouse (Matt. 6:34). Even still, God wants me to be honest about my de- sires and to trust him to take care of me in all seasons (Ps. 37:4; Is. 46:4). WHAT IS THE DEEPEST CHAL- LENGE TO YOU TO DO MINIS- TRY UNMARRIED? P robably the deepest challenge is emotional, feeling bereft of a minis- try partner, wondering why others have been given one when I havent in this time. I have to proactively resist compar- ing my situation to others and setting marriage up as the core mark of Gods faithfulness. WHAT IS THE RICHEST BLESS- ING TO YOU IN YOUR SINGLE- NESS TODAY? I get to be friends with so many peo- ple, across the country, in different life stagesthat Im free to expansively connect with many other people instead of focusing so intensely on one other person. DO YOU FEEL A CERTAIN CALL TO REMAIN SINGLE OR DO YOU HAVE A DESIRE TO BE MARRIED? WHY? T he words of Ecclesiastes 3:1 ring in my ear, to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. I do in this season feel called to singleness. I do not feel though that this season will last forever and I do hope to marry at some point. For now though I am content as a single and even fnd myself an advocate for singleness as it pertains to kingdom work. If you would have told me two years ago that I would be an advocate for singles and singleness, I would have laughed with laughter quickly turning into fear and a cold sweat. I have never wanted to end up alone. At times I think I have even idolized being in a relationship but these past few years God has had me on a journey in the land of singleness. What it means to be single and oddly enough what it means to be married. Two topics our culture sadly misunderstands and as hard as it is to say, and to hear, especially our church culture. TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS OF WRESTLING, EITHER IN THE PAST OR CONTINUED, WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS. WHAT CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST IN THIS SEASON? L ooking back, I know now that this journey started many years ago in college. The early footsteps of this journey can be traced back to three classes in par- ticular. Three classes that I would have never thought would have impacted me so much; Life and Teachings of Christ with Dr. Rodney Reeves, Christian Doc- trine with Dr. Kelly Malone and Hebrew Exegesis with Dr. Bing Bayer. Though it probably had little to do with the actual course content, it was in the reading and writing for those classes that the Lord brought be- fore me the centrality of Christ youre thinking duh right? Thats what I thought initially too but what start- ed as a study of the nature of Christs resurrection (the ANDY HERBEK MISSIOLOGIST Andy is a farmer, leather- worker, and regional staf member with US Center for World Mission. In an era where most millennials are taking yet another sele or talking about their fear of missing out, Andy has consistently stood out to me as someone who is deeply concerned with the state of world missions, but also concerned with cultivating the land right in front of him. You can nd him on twitter @andyherbek. end) spilled over into an exploration of Gods created image (the beginning) and forced upon me implications to live by (the present). I ll write a book about it someday so sorry, you only get a snapshot here but the essence of image bearing struck me powerfully and all of the sudden all these threads were weaving together be- fore me. Things that before seemed so disjunctive were now paired in a beau- tiful compliment. Things like marriage and proclamation of the gospel, singles and church polity, missions and worship. I began to see, and am still learning more and more about each day, that the deep- est concern of God is His image, His glory. Image in biblical times was much different than what we think of today. Suffce it to say that Gods concern for His own image is not the kind experi- enced by teenage girls today. You will just have to wait for my book to learn the historical background in short Gods image is his essence, His charac- ter, His honor. The crazy thing is, we are his image. We His body, unique and distinct as individuals but unifed as a collective under Christ. We are His glory as the body of Christ. As such all kinds of implications are feshed out of that theme throughout the biblical narrative. Implication #1 (of many, though I will only draw 3 here as it relates to single- ness), man and woman are both image bearers but its obvious that they are in- trinsically different. So than only when they are joined together is a more full image (or embodiment if you will) of God present on earth Thats why marriage is sacred and between only one man and one woman. Marriage exists to DO something not just BE some- thing it exist to image (verb) our cre- ator, to proclaim His nature embodied in both masculine and feminine. Masculine alone could not image God fully nor could feminine, both though intrinsically different, when held in complimentary tension, bear more fully the nature of God. This is just the surface level though. Ultimately the reason God gives us marriage is so that we would have categories through which to talk about the gospel That is no fy by statement. Think about it. The reason we have mar- riage is so that we would have categories through which to understand the gospel. The same is true of the church. The word for family (oikos) became synon- ymous for church not because family is the highest ideal but because family is a category through which to talk about the church. Back to marriage, Jesus used it as the number one way to communicate the gospel not because he wants everyone to get married but because he wants every- one to know Him and marriage is a pow- erful way of communicating (imaging) the gospel... The joining of two intrin- sically different beings. Think about this, there is no marriage in heaven (Mathew 22:30) salvation is eternal but marriage only exists to communicate it until there is no more need of it. Marriage is not an end in itself it exists for the proclama- tion of the gospel. To often we in the church fip that. We believe or at least we act like the gospel exists to support mar- riage and the church exist to promote healthy families. If you dont believe me just look up the new TV show on GSN called It takes a Church. Its literally a matchmaker show oriented around the church community. Listen to the tag line, Each week, IT TAKES A CHURCH visits a congregation from across the country to surprise one unsuspecting single with the news that theyre about to be saved from the dating world. As if singleness is a sin to be rescued from! The audacity! Im sorry but that one gets me riled up! The church does not exist to promote/produce marriage or even family. Marriage exists to proclaim the gospel and families exist to promote healthy churches. Now that sounds like a resounding cry against singleness right? Well Implication #2, if the purpose of mar- riage is for proclamation of the gospel and families exist to promote the church than the object is the gospel and the glory of God resting in the church. The church after all is a place in which we im- age God most fully I cant image God by myself. A married couple can image God more fully but still cannot image God to the fullest. It takes the global church manifest in every culture to glo- rify God to the fullest by producing the fullest manifestation of His image on earth. So once again the goal is procla- mation of the gospel and the glorifca- tion of God on earth (or the corporate act of worship enacted by the church). Now if you can proclaim the gospel bet- ter as a single than by all means DONT get married. Or if you can proclaim the gospel better as a married couple GET married. Do you hear what Paul was trying to say in my paraphrase of 1 Cor 7:7-9? The point of life is not marriage or singleness but what life you and I can live that most glorifes God and pro- claims His gospel to the ends of the earth. Likewise Paul viewed the church the same way. The church isnt this lit- tle healthy family unit for its own sake; it is something vital to the glory of God because it is a composite whole of His image. It is His glory and can only thrive to the fullest when promoted by whole families. Once again that kinda fips things on its head for us. How many people leave a church because it doesnt meet the needs of their family? Paul al- ways started with the oikos, the family, when making disciples because it was through the natural network of families that the church would grow to the full- est. So how does singleness ft in to all of this? I can be single and yet function to my fullest created purpose within the church family. The church is, or should be, a place where there is no pressure to get married or to remain single but a place where we are spurred to glorify God and proclaim His redemption. So why do we so often look down upon sin- gles in the church as if they are less than complete. They are complete in Christ as one member among many in His body. The church is a place where singles can image God fully in community (mascu- line/feminine and in all ethnic diversity) without getting married. Thats why Paul never once references someone as a hus- band or wife within the church, and yet time and time again he will say things like, my dear brothers and sisters in the faith. In the kingdom we are not hus- band and wife, we are brother and sister created to glorify our father. Brothers and sisters who cannot look like their daddy individually Implication #3 is a simple one, as broth- ers and sisters within THE church, the kingdom, we Americans need our Af- rican and Asian brothers and sisters to more fully image our Dad and they need us. So marriage and singleness as func- tionally declarative of the gospel is in- trinsically missional. Just like in marriage, the man remains uniquely masculine and the women uniquely feminine, so to in the church each ethnicity remains dis- tinct but unifed under Christ. In the church Chinese remain uniquely Chi- nese when they worship and Nigerians remain uniquely Nigerian Just like a single is not forced to get married when they enter the church, so to the Russian does not have to give up his or her cul- ture to worship Christ. Marriage AND singleness then are a means through which mission happens. Why do we disparage the other side of the fence? God desires and the world needs both married people and singles who are undistracted in their devotion to kingdom work. So after my ramblings, my response to the later part of the question is its still a journey. I do indeed have confdence through what the Lord has shown me (described above) but it can still be hard waking up in a big bed alone. HOW ARE YOU SERVING THE LOCAL CHURCH AND THE KINGDOM WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS? I am the Nebraska Area Mobilizer for Perspectives on the World Christian Movement. With Perspectives I get to work with a lot of congregations and denominations (even ethnicities) across the state and help them see how they can strategically work together for Gods global glory. Its actually quite an hon- or to get to see such a vivid display of Gods diverse image. I also farm with my brother as he and his wife really transi- tion into running the farming operation from Dad and a few other neighbors who are retiring. Most of the farm work is pretty isolating and a lot of what I do with Perspectives is from a distance. It can be hard not sharing some exciting moments on the farm or in ministry with a wife. Something discouraging will hap- pen or something excited and you want to be able to share it with someone who cares about what God is doing in and through your life as much as you do. WHAT IS THE DEEPEST CHALLENGE TO YOU DOING YOUR MINISTRY UNMARRIED? I t can be hard not having a helpmate. Its terribly unromantic but the prac- ticalities of not having a wife to share daily responsibilities with can wear on you. In the midst of so many things to do in ministry it would be nice to have someone who could help with farm/ house chores. I must be a functionalist but some of the stories from great men of faith that I look up to had wives who would write out their fash cards to help them through seminary or things of that nature. It might seem old fashion or even offensive to some today but the devotion to each other, and especially to the work of the Lord, in these kinds of stories are what is romantic to me. Deep down I am a romantic and the hardest thing in ministry and life in general is not having someone to share it with. Besides that the endless ploys by some in the church to try and play match maker for me can often cut to the core. I think I speak for a lot of single men in the min- istry that its hurtful and often a discour- agement and distraction from what God has us doing when well meaning people say things like, its to bad you cant fnd a nice young lady to settle down with. It really is that subtle non-value of singles within the church that can creep into your life and can make a single man feel off track when to God he might be right on track. WHAT IS THE RICHEST BLESSING TO YOU IN YOUR SINGLENESS TODAY? H aving a singular focus in ministry... pun intended! Being single allows me to devote more time and energy to the work of the Lord. Yes it would be nice to have a spouse to help with dai- ly work but not having a wife frees me up fnancially, with my time and with my energy to focus on ministry/mis- sion. A huge blessing within that context of service is married people who dont make me feel bad for being single when I am around them. Also, working for a ministry that welcomes and values sin- gles in every aspect of the organization. This will probably end up in the book as well but historically mission orders (which is what the U.S. Center for World Mission is and is who I work for as it is the authority behind Perspectives) have always valued and utilized singles, espe- cially women, where often church con- gregations do not. Though quite techni- cal, it is fundamental to the distinction in DNA between local congregations and mission orders. Our founder Dr. Ralph Winter articulated some of these differences in two terms he called mo- dality and sodality. Modality would be a local congregation its stationary, care oriented and protective against threats. Sodality would be a mission order its mobile, risk taking and pioneer for the sake of the gospel. Dr. Winter would say that they when seen as two sides of one coin are what God has always thought of as the church. Two structures func- tionally different but when married, if you will, together is known as THE church. Both needed and both valuable but essentially different. The problem is we like to divorce the two in an at- tempt to syncretize the two functions into one structure. It will never work because it rejects Gods plan and there will always be one side of the coin that overpowers in a specifc situation. The fact that we lack a recognition of the validity of both structures shows up in phrases like, if the local church would just do its job we wouldnt need mission agencies. Thats another book but this relates to a blessing in singleness to me because I am indeed a part of a struc- ture that honors where God has me in singleness. I dont feel guilty as a single for undistracted devotion to working for gospel breakthroughs among unreached peoples. I dont feel like Im trying to be matched up all the time, I dont feel like Im restricted or held back from infuen- tial roles in the organization just because Im single. That is indeed a blessing. M ay we value both singles and mar- riage more! Let us focus on the glory of God and the redemption of all peoples. MELISSA WADE CITY DWELLER Melissa works in the foster care system in New York City and is a part of a new church plant also in the city. Even though Melissa isnt specically in church leadership, I thought it would help to see a single who is working actively to live missionally in her community. You can nd her on twitter @Honeybee22274. DO YOU FEEL A CERTAIN CALL TO REMAIN SINGLE OR DO YOU HAVE A DESIRE TO BE MARRIED? WHY? I ve wanted to be married since I was three years old and I was always certain it would happen for me. I grew up in love with the idea of love and the way it can make a woman beautiful and conquer all (thanks John Hughes). I longed to have someone set their affections on me and to return those af- fections, but interestingly (and in hindsight, thank- fully) as boy crazy as I was in my youth this did not result in many dating relationships. As the years went by in my 20s and early 30s, I fnally went from the constant, optimistic feeling of this will be THE year, I just know it! to leaving my marital future completely in Gods hands to do with what He wills. And by the time I turned 35 I was no longer spending a moment each December 31st thinking the feeting thought, Nope, once again, this wasnt the year. So what changed? Through spending time in the Word and prayer, and the prayers of godly friends and mentors who love me, Christ revealed to me His unrivaled beauty and reoriented my affections around Himself. I experienced what Chalmers articulated: the expulsive power of a new affec- tion, and Ive come alive fully to the greatest love there is, the love of Christ Jesus. Being 40, still unmarried, and now completely soul-satisfed brings credibility to the idea that it is possible to trust God with this life, not have what you thought youve always wanted/needed/ deserved, and what every normal person gets to experience (fll in the blank of what that might be for you) and still joyfully thrive. So while Ive nev- er felt the call to remain unmarried, I did begin to wonder in the past year if thats what I have been called to, in part to model this truth to oth- ers. Perhaps this is the way I can best glorify God with my life, which is today my greatest desire. To be completely honest, I still desire to be married, and if presented with the choice and a great candidate, I would choose to marry. Ultimately, I may have hopes, dreams, desires, and a dif- ferent calling tomorrow, but right now I need to be faithful with what Im called to today. HOW ARE YOU SERVING THE LOCAL CHURCH AND THE KINGDOM WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS? S ince coming to New York City in 2010, in addition to working full time in the Family Court, Ive served with two church planting teams, learning, praying, leading, strategizing, planning, giving, playing, teaching, and discipling. Prior to moving to New York Ive served in student and womens ministries, giving whatever time I could when I wasnt traveling for work. For two years, in ad- dition to running my own company, I was the part-time assistant director of the middle school ministry at my home church in Oregon- my only paid ministry experience. As an unmarried person, I feel that I am able to give more time, attention, and resources to the church and my friends and loved ones than I could otherwise. Additionally, Im able to spend extra time on my relationship with God and what He is doing in, with, and through me. Im not in danger of focusing on my sanctifcation in a way that excludes and neglects a spouse, nor of the reverse. Apart from God I dont have anyone to answer to concerning maximum lim- its on my giving and serving and there is no portion of me that I must reserve for another human, apart from my com- munity. Other than to ensure Im caring for myself well (mind, body, and soul) so that I dont burn out or try to minis- ter out of my own strength, Im free to make my church and community and the people God has given us there a priority. God has gifted me with fabulous friends near and far and incredible pastors who help me think through these things and who keep me accountable in this season of life. Married or single, community is vital. At this time in my life I am able to open my home in a way that I might not (want to) as part of a married couple. In sea- sons when Ive lived alone I was able to prayerfully discern when to invite peo- ple to stay with me, and needed to ask no one else for permission. Right now I have an incredibly kind and generous roommate and we are in agreement re- garding hospitality in our home. Each of us has welcomed friends to take over our living room for up to several months at a time, as God has led. I know married couples who do this too, but my room- mate and I have the advantage of being free from any marital intimacy concerns that might arise from having other peo- ple in our small apartment. TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS OF WRESTLING, EITHER IN THE PAST OR CONTINUED, WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS. WHAT CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST IN THIS SEASON? I ve never just wanted to be married, Ive wanted to be married to the right person. And so, despite my long- standing desire, marriage in the abstract is not something Ive ever really fought with God about or despaired over, even in seasons when the desire was especially strong, or when faced with a specifc man I was sure might make a good husband. Thats not to say that I wasnt openly hopeful and constantly scanning the horizon for the one. I did this for years. After ending a long-term relationship at age 24, and realizing by 26 that we werent getting back together, for the next few years I was stealthily scoping out left hands, looking for a wedding ring on many of the charming, attractive men Id meet, to see who was eligible; until God changed me. While for some people that time frame might sound like I was already well on my way to spinsterhood, context is im- portant. I was raised in a culture (west coast, Gen X, largely unchurched) where the expectation for young people was to graduate high school, graduate college, get a good job, and then get married, all in that very logical and responsible order. This led to me being surrounded almost completely by friends, men and women, who would not begin marrying in earnest until we were close to 30, so I was by no means an anomaly. Now, liv- ing in New York City, the vast majority of my friends inside the church and out, are unmarried; (many are never married Christian women in their 30s) so Im still not weird by local standards. That defnitely helps. I have from time to time been asked by well-meaning people if Im too picky, or perhaps commitment-phobic. I will not lie; I am picky. But no more so than most of my married friends. And I dont think Im commitment-phobic. While all my life Ive had a front row seat to a marriage that has been anything but easy, that has never dampened my desires. I do think, however it has sobered me to the realities of one fesh union with an- other fallible human and given me wis- dom. Despite their struggles, from day one my parents have done a fabulous job of affrming my true identity as a child of God; whole, in and of myself, in Him. They never introduced the idea to me that I was incomplete as a person, miss- ing my other/better half, or not ready for real life to begin until my identity includ- ed wife. Though theyve asked about my desires, theyve never pressured me about marriage or giving them grand- children. At times they have questioned some of the unconventional ways and places God has taken me to do life and ministry, but their questioning was never about a desire to see me settled down. I think this is probably the biggest fac- tor in my feeling at ease with not yet (never?) being married. While God has done the work, which continues today, of purifying my desires and ridding me of idols, the sense of God-dependent individuality my parents instilled in me was the bedrock foundation God built upon. It was that sense of being whole and being enough that kept me from ty- ing my worth to romantic relationships, or in my case, a lack thereof. Ive never felt less worthy because I was not being chosen by men. While all of these factors have contrib- uted to satisfaction with my current state of being single, more important than marriage or any other good gift God would give me, is my desire to thrive in Him with contentment. I do not mean resignation; I mean a full, satisfed, joy- ful contentment, and that is where I am today. Whats the phrase? God is most glorifed in us when we are most satisfed in Him? Oh yes, I do believe thats true. WHAT IS THE DEEPEST CHALLENGE TO YOU DO MINISTRY UNMARRIED? I cannot think of a time when my abil- ity to minister has been challenged or limited by being unmarried, howev- er I have considered that perhaps some might see me, an unmarried woman working closely with pastors, as a dan- ger. A steady stream of articles being published in Christian circles, sometimes saying as much, doesnt help. Affairs happen between married people all the time, but it seems that there is often an extra air of suspicion hanging over the unmarried woman unless she is old or extremely unattractive. I might wish to be married and experience the affec- tion and romantic attention of a man, but Im not the least bit interested in someone elses husband, thank you very much. Thankfully that suspicion is not something Ive ever been made to feel in any church where Ive served, but its something I know may be on the radar of other people. WHAT IS THE RICHEST BLESSING TO YOU IN YOUR SINGLENESS TODAY? F reedom and time and autonomy are my richest blessings. Right now I revel in the freedom to engage in the commitments on my time and resourc- es that I choose. Time and freedom to sleep (or not), to travel, to see friends, to minister, for quiet solitude and contem- plation, for undisturbed prayer; freedom to follow where the Lord leads without hesitation, to enjoy and extend work trips, to spend an entire day just reading a book in my pajamas, to take as long as I want in the shower, to be radically gen- erous, to eat the last cookie, to do what I want frst thing in the morning, and last thing at night and the list goes on. Friendships are also part of that bounty. For the married person, opposite gen- der friendships often take on a different aspect, if not end all together, as may same gender friendships (especially with unmarried people) as priorities and avail- ability change. I know that in part this can be necessary, and I also know that its a choice. Frankly, Im glad its not a choice Im faced with making today. And while I too am a master idol craftswom- an, I am free from the opportunity to confuse my spouse with God, looking to a man to meet those relational and even provisional needs that I should only be looking to have met in Christ. Singleness may be my position right now, but I can say with the psalmist, My fesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. DO YOU FEEL A CERTAIN CALL TO REMAIN SINGLE OR DO YOU HAVE A DESIRE TO BE MARRIED? WHY? I m honestly not certain if I have a call to lifelong singleness. But as Ive said before--I may not have THE lifelong gift of singleness, but I can offer up my singleness as a gift in worship today. I can conse- crate it for Him. (cf. http://paulmatthies.blogspot. com/2012/04/life-is-gift-even-single.html) Do I have a desire to be married? Yes. However, that desire waxes and wanes. Its usually not its strongest in a desire for romance or sexual intimacy, as much as a longing for consistent companionship in those lonely seasons, or a desire for committed partnership in those diffcult or busy seasons. Theres so much over the years that I wish I could have shared. As a single man, I realize there is much more oppor- tunity for me in marriage, as I think about pursuing a godly woman. When we look at the Church today, we see there are more single women in waiting then single men. Thus, I cant really claim a lack of op- tions. I do feel, though, that in the last seven years es- pecially (based on call and present circumstances), it has not been Gods timing for me to pursue marriage. Still, I dont yet have the Apostle Pauls clarity regard- ing his gift of singleness. Ive often heard it said that the clearest sign of a call to lifelong singleness is the absence of sexual desire. Those saying it usually cite 1 Corinthians 7. However, I dont see Paul speak- ing about an absence of sexual desire there, but the presence of self-control. There is a difference. I do not feel that a life of singleness is determined simply by absence of sexual desire. I dont see that in the text. I do, however, believe theres a presence of self-control. Not a self-control that erases our desires, but helps us honor God for this season or for life. Nor is it a self-control unique to us. Why? Because ALL believers have that fruit in the Spirit PAUL MATTHIES CHURCH ELDER Paul is a elder at his church in central Texas, and a former pastor from my church. Over the past few years I have come to appreciate his humor, wisdom, and humility. Many at my local church have been deeply afected by Pauls sermons and example of godliness. You can nd him on twitter @ paul_matties and read him regularly at Wayfaring Stranger. (Galatians 5:22-23). Yet it doesnt mean that there wasnt temptation or loneliness for Paulonly that his pursuit of Christ and his call- ing at hand tempered those issues, so that it wasnt a source of blatant sin for him. We can be content in Christ, if we ask Him according to His will. Butit seems we may still have real desires for marriage and feelings of loneliness. In- deed, I may yet marry. Regardless, I want to be committed to the gospel ministry above all else, right now. The godliest couples I know are those who see sharing the gospel through their marriage as their main purpose. The most miserable couples I know are those who view each other as an end in itself, trying to fnd happi- ness in each other and working to make their lives comfortable. Sadly, some sin- gles see those marriages and thinkI want someone that can make me happy and comfortable too! So they just sit around dwelling on their singleness all the timesurrounding themselves with friends who want to create empty drama and gossip. I am sorrybut I have seen too much hurt in this world, and God has blessed me with too muchto sit around giggling about girls all the time. Instead, I have always valued what godly married people have told me. A friend once shared this piece of advice: Run after Jesus with all you are. Then, one day, you may look up and see a woman beside you running on the same path. But re- gardless of if that day comes, you gain Christ in the end, whether she comes or not. I see that as very helpfulpursue Jesus! If He doesnt give a spouseyou still get Him. And if she comes, yet she passes awayyou are still grounded in Him. A godly man also once told me: I knew I was supposed to marry my wife when we saw that we could not grow any more in Christ, unless we were mar- ried as one. What a great perspective! Should marriage come, it is the next sea- son I need to keep growing in Him. Let me also say (and I hope this isnt TMI)I am a virgin. In fact, Ive not so much as kissed a girl. I dont wear this as a badge of puritanical superiority, but to say that its possible to stay celibate and be very happy. I used to keep this mum, but after hearing the world brag about its sexual exploits over and again, I think a stand for purity can be a witness. Plus, I am quite content being single at this time. I know thats a blessing for me. HOW ARE YOU SERVING THE LOCAL CHURCH AND THE KINGDOM WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS? S ingleness has afforded me opportu- nity. Ive been privileged to serve the Lord in the city (as an associate pas- tor at The Village Church) and in the countryside (as an elder at my current church, Hilltop Christian Fellowship). Ive served Him domestically and inter- nationally (with long-term stays in China and South Korea, and short term trips to Romania, Kenya, and Australia). Ive worked full-time in a church setting, in a missions setting, and am now working full-time in a corporate setting. No mat- ter what, in all times and placesGod is the same loving, gracious, powerful, sovereign God. Ive got to see that frst- hand over the years. Singleness has given me certain fexi- bility. I now work full-time as a claims examiner for an insurance company, so I can also fll in as interim preacher and leader here, at little cost to my church as we face a tough fnancial year. At my church, I also serve as an elder, adult classroom teacher, substitute youth teacher, song leader, and more. I do hospital visits, prayer, counseling, and written communication. My day job helps fund my ministry life. Singleness has also offered me greater accessibility. I dont say availability, be- cause there is a common assumption that singles must have nothing but free time, 24/7. I do have many responsi- bilities to juggle, between work, church, personal, family, etc. However, I can pri- oritize and arrange my schedule at more of a moments notice. I try to leverage this to be as accessible as possible to my church and the Kingdom overall. Jesus speaks about doing our giving, praying, and fasting in secret. I can say that my singleness has given me greater scope to serve the Lord in daily, unan- nounced, and surprise ways, known only to Him. I get to use my portion (and paychecks) to do a lot of fun things for others. TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS OF WRESTLING, EITHER IN THE PAST OR CONTINUED, WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS. WHAT CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST IN THIS SEASON? O ne of the best questions Ive even been posed came from my friend and pastor at The Village Church, Matt Chandler. He said in a message that, no matter what portion weve been given, we should ask: What does it look like to glorify God in this season? For me, the wrestle begins and ends with that ques- tion: How do I bring glory to God in my singleness? I gain confdence when I live within my intended purposeto bring God glory. Admittedly, singleness can be a hard re- ality. In Matthew 19:10-12, Jesus tells us that this gift is only for those to whom it has been given, implying that the sin- gle life will not be for the fainthearted. Likewise, the Apostle Paul, in 1 Corin- thians 7:7, wishes that all men and wom- en were like him, but he recognizes the strong temptations we face. So how do we embrace a diffcult season? At least eight times in scripture, suffering is said to have a rewardjoy. At times, I am conficted, asking Why would God give me the desire for something like marriage if He does not plan on grant- ing it immediatelyor ever? Why not take the desire away---why make me suf- fer in this way? Here I take heart from Pauls example in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, where he rejoices in his sufferings. While the circumstances were different, the principle applies the same. I dont have to just cope with this desire, but can rejoice in my time of needbe- cause I get to experience the suffcien- cy of grace. In our singleness, we are faced with the very important question: If Jesus is all I have, is He enough? I love this quote from The Path Through Suffering by Elisabeth Elliot: Acceptance of the will of God is always a simple thing, though for us who are yet far from sainthood it is often not an easy thing. Our lives are still complicat- ed, our aims mixed, our vision clouded. No wonder Jesus told us to consider the birds and the lilies. In the scriptures, I also see that cultivat- ing a heart of thankfulness is central to the life of a Christian. As believers, I think we should frst be known for our identity in Christ, not just for our marital state. In other words, we are not Chris- tian singles, but single Christians. As Christians, will we trust that all of Gods gifts are good and perfect, even the gift of singleness? In 1 Timothy 6:6, Paul writes: Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment. Again, in Philippians 4:31: Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. It is im- portant for me to fnd contentment in my singleness as an opportunity to se- cure undivided devotion to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:35). To wrestle for that confdence and con- tentment, I am honest to God about my desires. But they are exactly that-- desires. I cant deny they exist. But I shouldnt demand them, lest they be idols. Thats why I feel our life as sin- gles is one of dependence and honesty with God--and walking that path of de- sire, but foremost delight in Him (Psalm 37:4). {Yes, like a good Baptist, I just used alliteration!} WHAT IS THE DEEPEST CHALLENGE TO YOU DOING MINISTRY UNMARRIED? I d say the deepest challenge is facing the belief (internal or external) that, by being unmarried, I am disqualifed from doing ministry in the frst place! Ive had 1 Timothy and Titus quoted to me (husband of one wife), stat- ing I should not serve as a deacon or elder. Ive heard pastors and seminary leaders say that single men are at great- er risk of sexual immorality in ministry. (Sadly, Ive known just as many or more married men fall into adultery.) Ive had church committees pass me over, because there would be a void in the womens or childrens ministry leader- ship if I didnt have a wife to come along with me. (That brings up a whole other conversation on the often unfair two- for-one minister expectations placed on spouses.) At large, there can be skepticism of why Id even want to be unmarried in minis- try. Our culture also displays a certain fear in an older, unmarried man. As I mentioned, I am bi-vocational. I once overheard my co-workers speaking about a single executive who was hired. One lady said, Hes single, over 30, and never been married? He must be ugly, or theres something wrong with him. An- other man said, Yes, or he is homosex- ual, and he just hasnt admitted it yet. These stereotypes are sometimes car- ried into the pews. Ive been blessed to serve in some safe and supportive places, among loving people, who understand that our Savior Jesus, and the frst mis- sionary Paul, were both single. Yet Ive also faced harsh statement and closed doors based on being single and over 30, in ministry. Then, in those lonely moments of dis- couragement, wrestling with questions like Is there something wrong with me?compounded by the absence of a spouse and life partnerits easy to isolate or react. There is a temptation to grow bitter or to give up. Thats why its been so important for me to have godly community. I see it in the scriptures, and Ive seen it in my lifethere is always a remnant. Ive never been in a season that also lacked someone to encourage mewhether it be a friend, family mem- ber, minister, mentoror even a chance meeting. Thats a blessing. WHAT IS THE RICHEST BLESSING TO YOU IN YOUR SINGLENESS TODAY? T hat Im happy. Im happy in God. That may sound simplistic, but af- ter all the blogs, articles, commercials, books, movies, and even sermons telling me why I shouldnt be happy as a single person, I fnd it a rich blessing that the Lord is true to His wordHe gives a full joy (John 15:11; 16:24). Even single, Ive never been alone. I live a rich, joy-flled life because of Jesus. No matter the season, Paul found the secret to being content (Philippians 4:11-13). Johns joy was complete in being the friend of the bridegroom (John 3:27-30). You would think being brought low or playing second fddle would mean less fulfllment in life. Not so, when Jesus is the One being lifted high and sought frst in our lives. Im not just speaking of contentment and joy, with my arms crossed and my teeth grittedIm speaking of real happiness! Happiness, as Mike Mason writes in Champagne for the Soul, is re- alized joy. Its a lesson I learned from a godly elder serving over the church in Suwon, South Korea, where I ministered for a year--that I must fght for joyand joy can be readily won, if we seek it in God. (cf. http://paulmatthies.blogspot. com/2010/12/are-you-happy.html) BETHANY JENKINS WRITER AT TGC Bethany Jenkins is the director of TGCs Every Square Inch and the founder of The Park Forum. I super appreciate Bethanys drive and commitment to seeing the Church thrive in their given portion. She lives and works in New York City. You can follow her on twitter at @bethanyjenkins DO YOU FEEL A CERTAIN CALL TO REMAIN SINGLE OR DO YOU HAVE A DESIRE TO BE MARRIED? WHY? I d love to get married one day. I think marriage is the best waythough not the only wayto be sancti- fed, and I sure need that! (She laughs.) I also want to get married for the same reason everyone doesto walk through life with someone you love. HOW ARE YOU SERVING THE LOCAL CHURCH AND THE KINGDOM WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS? M ostly, I think my singleness lets me be present in ways that are more diffcult for those who are married. For example, two years ago, some of my closest friends lost their baby. He was only two months old and died of SIDS. Our entire community was, of course, devastated. Although I could tell you hundreds of stories of Gods faithfulness during that time, Ill say this one thingbeing single was a gift. I didnt have a family to coordinate or people who needed me at home. I could drop everything and just show up. Three of ustwo singles and one marriedorganized prob- ably ffty of our friends to do everythingget fights and hotels for their families, plan their meals, write the funeral service, order fowers, and more. They didnt lift a fnger; they just mourned. Wyatts funeral was the frst one at Redeemers new building. We sang of Gods love as tears ran down our faces. Im so glad I was single that week. TALK ABOUT THE PROCESS OF WRESTLING, EITHER IN THE PAST OR CONTINUED, WITH YOUR PORTION OF SINGLENESS. WHAT CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR CONFIDENCE IN CHRIST IN THIS SEASON? O ver the years, Ive had many friends get married, which has really served to demystify marriage for me. Although Ive seen my married friends buy spa- cious apartments, have several children, and take amazing vacations, Ive also walked with them through marital un- faithfulness, loneliness, porn addiction, narcissism, and divorce. Im so thankful that theyve invited me into their lives to show menot just tell methat mar- riage wont solve all my problems. If Christ isnt suffcient for me when Im single, he wont be suffcient for me when Im married. WHAT IS THE DEEPEST CHALLENGE TO YOU AS YOU DO MINISTRY UNMARRIED? I think all Christians are involved in ministry so I wouldnt say that sin- gleness for me is any different than, say, singleness for my friend who is a lawyer. Singleness is singleness; its an equal op- portunity employer when it comes to its benefts and challenges. For me, the hardest part about being single is not having someone who is as invested in my life as I am. Yes, I have a loving family and wonderful friends who counsel and advise me. But at the end of the day, Im the only one who has to live out my de- cisions. No one is as vested in my life as I am. WHAT IS THE RICHEST BLESSING TO YOU IN YOUR SINGLENESS TODAY? I get to be a friend to so many people, and I get to have so many friends. In my experience, singleness is not synon- ymous with aloneness or loneliness. It can be rich, full, and generous. There are times when I wish I were married, when I wish I had a partner-in-crime. (She laughs.) But overall, Im sure of Gods goodness. As Paige Brown once wrote, I may meet someone and walk down the aisle in the next couple of years be- cause God is so good to me. I may never have another date and die an old maid at 93 because God is so good to me. Not my will but his be done. Until then, I am claiming as my theme verse: If any man would come after me, let him