The Art of Communication

Celebrities are constantly telling parents to talk to their kids about the issue of the day. But, what celebrities
don't tell you is how to talk to your kids.
Clinical psychologist Erik Fisher, h.!, says that communication between parent and child is crucial to a
child's sense of safety, trust, self"esteem and power. But as children enter high school and become more
self"sufficient, communication can be tough. #n Fisher's book $The Art of Empowered arenting% he gi&es
these guidelines for better communication'
Realize the power of No. #t's one of the smallest words in our language, but it can be harmful when not
used properly. $(hen a child hears ')o's from his parents, it can set a negati&e frame of reference for how
the child feels about himself, his parents, and the world,% Fisher says. #nstead, parents should try, whene&er
possible, to use the word $*es% and reframe the situation to look at other options that won+t lea&e your teen
feeling shut down.
Avoid criticism. Although most of the time parents do it to help their teens impro&e, it can also lead to
feelings of shame, embarrassment and inade,uacy. (hen gi&ing feedback, open the con&ersation with
phrases like $#'m not sure if you ha&e considered -, *, or . in this situation and # would like to hear your
thoughts% or $# would like to talk about what happened at school today.% A&oid commands and put"downs.
Don't lecture. #t's not a communication tool, it's a power trip. !on't cut your teen out of the con&ersation.
/hort and to"the"point communication which leads to brainstorming possible solutions is the way to go. Also,
add in a bit of humor, where appropriate, and don't be afraid to point out your own past mistakes as
e0amples, as your teen gets older.
The Family eetin!. This can be a great ice"breaker for families. E&eryone in the family should attend and
e&eryone should get e,ual time to speak without interruption. Consider setting guidelines, and a short and
sweet agenda. Always try to end the meeting on a positi&e note.
"uildin! Trust. /ometimes parents can communicate distrust without e&en reali1ing it, like when you finish
your teen's sentence. Ask your teen straight up how he feels about himself, or about situations in his life and
the life of his peers. This will not only help his self"awareness, but will also tell him that his parent is really
listening.
The #ower of #raise. #t can be as simple as telling your teen how much fun he is to be around. But it's
important to consider how praise is communicated. /aying, $*ou did a wonderful 2ob, and # lo&e you for that%
could imply that you only lo&e your teen when he does a wonderful 2ob. 3eep in mind that compliments
aren't 2ust for wonderful displays of talent, they're also important to gi&e when your child puts in a good
effort.
/o, ne0t time you get the urge to talk to your teen about se0, drugs and rock 'n roll remember this' stay
positi&e, keep it short, gi&e them your undi&ided attention and don't be afraid to talk a little about the things
that they do right. E&en with parents and teens, communication should be a two"way street.
4elping Teens 5ake 6esponsible !ecisions
!on+t take it personally7 As teens gain independence, parents aren+t around much, but they can still pro&ide
direction for the choices kids make with their new found freedom.
$hat %ou Need to &now
Adolescents need to figure out who they are in relation to e&eryone else, so challenging parent+s &alues and
practices is as natural as the hormones racing through them. They need their parents to support and guide,
but not dictate. The more controlling parents are, the more rebellious teens can be.
'ow %ou (an 'elp
Tips from health care professionals include'
8. As) and *isten. #nitiate a con&ersation and let your child speak. (hen your teen wants to attend a
school dance, ask, $(hat+s the school policy about kids who come drunk9%
:. Develop alternatives. 4a&e options for a&oiding common pitfalls. (hen your kid comes home
reeking of smoke, tell her to te0t you ne0t time, and you+ll pick her up and head for a treat.
;. There+s always conse,uences. 5ake sure that your teen knows and understands the probable
results of pro2ected decisions. *our doctor+s office and school counselor should ha&e accurate facts.
<. *et !o. #f your teen decides on a path, and you don+t agree, as long as it+s not hurtful or dangerous,
let her do it. *our daughter rescinds her acceptance of an in&itation to go out with other people, and
you disagree, but let her disco&er the fallout.
=. The results please. After your child carries out the decision, follow up with ,uestions. At breakfast
the ne0t morning, ask your daughter if she en2oyed her outing or might ha&e had more fun with her
original plans.
(ays to Teach >alues
*ou want your kids to be grateful, but they don+t consistently thank others when the kindness is
warranted. E0perts name at least fi&e ways to teach kids &alues.
$hat %ou Need To &now
?ften, adults think of character building as going through difficult circumstances and coming out
stronger. But teaching kids about de&eloping good character traits can be done in less painful and more
supporti&e ways, especially during difficult times like the ad2ustment to middle school. Beyond lectures, kids
learn from witnessing, e0amining, and problem sol&ing.
'ow %ou (an 'elp
5any e0perts name fi&e to si0 methods for teaching kids about &alues. A couple e0amples are below.
8. 6ole 5odels. ?ften parents point to an admirable person in the media or community and assign
character traits that they want their children to emulate. The benefit is that kids reali1e that the &alues
are real and not 2ust ideals. The disad&antage is that no one is perfect and often the hero falls off the
pedestal. Be precise about the attribution of ,ualities and discuss flaws.
:. E0amining Actions. By mapping the steps in a decision process and following up with the
conse,uences of the action, kids learn to be analytic. They can speculate about alternati&e actions
and the results of those choices. 3ids can analy1e characters from stories, media e&ents, community
actions, and most importantly, their own beha&ior.
;. 5oral 6easoning. (hen kids address $no win% situations and must make decisions, they learn to
weigh circumstances and effects. This approach offers opportunities for discussion and
collaboration. 5any social studies classes use scenarios from history and ask kids to allocate
resources, assign manpower, and choose courses before they disco&er what the real people did. *ou
can use incidents from the news, school, or your work.
The hysical Changes in /i0th @rade
For many parents, the A" to 8:" year old years are their happiest B the busy care gi&ing times of early
childhood are o&er and the teen years are yet to come. *et for children, these years are commonly defined
as their most horrible B 2ust as you're settling down to get comfortable and en2oy the calm before the storm,
your preteen is already grappling with the massi&e tempest of feeling like a child and a teen at the same
time. 4ere's how to help your child through.
$hat %ou Need to &now
hysical transitions during this age are gradual enough that parents may easily o&erlook the difficulties their
children may be e0periencing. *et the changes are so great that most children suffer discomfort and
distress.
@irls between 8C"8: are likely to be in the midst of growth spurts that makes them taller and hea&ier
than boys at this stage, which can make girls feel large, clumsy and unattracti&e.
Boys commonly take until 8:"years"old to begin their growth spurts, and up until this time are grief"
stricken with the concern that they're ne&er going to grow.
'ow %ou (an 'elp
*our child will be much better e,uipped to bear and sur&i&e this trying time with his sanity if you take the
time to talk to him about the physical and emotional de&elopment behind all his stress, so that he
understands what to e0pect, some way of addressing it, and that it's all normal. Because preteens recei&e
most of their information about this time from peers, the information they recei&e is often incorrect and
unsettling. They are relying on you to clear up any falsities or misconceptions.
eer comparisons are the greatest source of an0iety, so make sure your child knows that it's
common for growth rates to &ary.
@ood diet, ade,uate rest and ade,uate e0ercise are necessary for normal physical de&elopment
during this stage, not to mention your child's general wellness.
A well"balanced diet is especially important as growing teens burn lots of energy and re,uire lots of
nutrients to meet their bodies' growth needs. 5ake sure nutritious snacks are a&ailable in your home to
the e0clusion of soda, cookies, and chips to pre&ent your child from ha&ing unhealthy options.
@etting up and going to bed at the same time each day promotes normal physical de&elopment.
5ost children need at least eight hours of sleep each night, but may need e&en more as they mo&e into
rapid growth spurts.
Children who watch a lot of tele&ision often don't get enough e0ercise. #f your child isn't getting
enough e0ercise, you may need to be a positi&e role model and lead by e0ample to make it a family
affair and help him pursue fun acti&ities that will promote fitness.
Conflict Between arents and Teens
*ou may be the parent, but it's hard to win when you argue with your child. Especially as he becomes a
teenager, he will simply think of an answer for e&erything you ha&e to say. 4ere's what you should do
instead.
$hat %ou Need to &now
Conflict between you and your child is normal as he becomes more independent, ,uestions your rules, and
spends more time with peers. To keep these normal conflicts from becoming se&ere, find ways now of
effecti&ely managing these disagreements.
'ow %ou (an 'elp
6ather than engaging in arguments with your child, you should'
Det your child know that you'&e heard and understood his point.
Transition from his &alid ideas to your &alid instructions with words like $regardless% or
$ne&ertheless.%
)ot gi&e in, or you'll teach your child that arguing with you works to his benefit.
Dearn to say, $# know you don't like it, but the answer is no,% e0plain why, and lea&e it at that' $#'m not
going to argue.%
/tay away from labeling your child negati&ely Ela1y, selfish, immature, irresponsibleF.
/top the beha&ior before things get worse Ee.g. turn down a loud stereo yourself after issuing the first
warningF.
Calmly remo&e a pri&ilege Ee.g. remo&e the stereo from the room if the &olume again reaches the
inappropriate le&el 2ust discussedF.
Consider using a point system so that kids earn pri&ileges and rewards for good beha&iors, which works
better than punishment for bad beha&ior'
!ecide on two of three specific problem"causing beha&iors Ee.g. a&oiding homework, incomplete
chores, talking backF.
5ake a chart labeled with the weekdays across the top and the positi&e &ersions of each beha&ior
down the side Ee.g. completing homework right after school, completing chores right after dinner,
listening and following instructions respectfullyF.
!ecide with your child what pri&ileges or rewards he might look forward to, which he can earn points
toward each day target beha&iors are fulfilled.
!ecide how many points are earned for each B beha&iors that are hard to change get more points
then easier ones.
/ome outside offenses, such as swearing or lying, may lose points.
!ecide how many points will earn a reward or pri&ilege. Aim for G="H=I of the total possible, bearing
in mind that no one is perfect.
3eep track of the points each day and gi&e rewards each week, all without lecturing or arguing.
After a problem impro&es, take it off the list, and add another.
Coping with Cli,ues and Bullies in 5iddle /chool and
4igh /chool
Each day, at least 8JC,CCC K./, children miss school due to bullying, and these &ictims come in two types B
but unfortunately, the ultimate emotional and psychological impact isn't great for either category. Teach your
child the best way to handle bullies before these long"term effects take root.
$hat %ou Need to &now
Teens who become bully targets are at risk for
feelings of isolation
insecurity
loss of self"esteem
depression
other long term effects
The bully profile'
need to feel powerful and in control
choose &ictims who dislike or fear conflict
talk themsel&es out of trouble
en2oy inflicting pain or suffering
lack empathy
blame their actions on somehow being pro&oked
are unhappy at school and lack a sense of belonging
are angry and impulsi&e
ha&e low self"esteem
are likely to engage in criminality, drug use, or other problem beha&iors later in life
>ictim profile'
,uiet, shy, and sensiti&e
less inclined to be asserti&e or fight back
ha&e few friends and lack social support
lack confidence in physical abilities
youngest or newest of a group
insecure and ha&e low self esteem
prone to an0iety, depression and physical complaints
can be irritating or socially awkward
physically weak and easily submit to peer demands
reward attacks yielding to demands and displaying distress
are repeatedly targeted
Two types of &ictims'
assi&e
often lonely and ha&e difficulty asserting themsel&es in a group
react to bullying by crying or withdrawing
seem to prefer adult company
tend to normali1e in adulthood but maintain low self esteem and are prone to depression
roacti&e
tend to be hot"tempered, hyperacti&e, and aggressi&e
can be annoying or irritating to others
often pro&oke incidents only to become &ictimi1ed by their own actions
may be clumsy or immature
may try to bully weaker peers
be mistaken for bullies because always in the middle of fights and arguments
'ow %ou (an 'elp
Foster your child's self"esteem and confidence by highlighting strengths, encouraging realistic goal"
setting, and praising both efforts and &ictories.
Encourage bullied children to refrain from gi&ing in to bullies and, when possible, to simply ignore
them. Bullies are not a hard"working bunch B they like easy targets, and become bored with children
who stand up for themsel&es and refuse to gi&e them what they'&e asked, e&en when all they're asking
is a fearful reaction.
4igh /elf Esteem &s Dow /elf Esteem
#s your child sufficiently armored against the challenges of the real world9
$hat %ou Need to &now
Consider the difference between'
A child with high self"esteem' $# don't understand this.%
A child with low self"esteem' $#'m an idiot.%
3ids who feel good about themsel&es'
handle conflicts better
more readily resist negati&e peer pressures
smile more and en2oy life more readily
are realistic and generally optimistic
e0press discontent without belittling themsel&es or others
know and understand their strengths and weaknesses
work toward solutions when challenges arise
3ids with low self"esteem, howe&er'
regard challenges as sources of an0iety and frustration
ha&e a hard time resol&ing their problems
are easily disappointed in themsel&es, tend to speak negati&ely about themsel&es
become passi&e, withdrawn or depressed due to self"critical thoughts
are less willing to try new things and more likely to gi&e up easily when they do
see temporary setbacks as permanent and intolerable
are dominated by pessimism and self"deprecation
'ow %ou (an 'elp
(atch what you say. *our child is &ery sensiti&e to your words. )ot only should you praise and
reward achie&ement, but also strengths, effort, impro&ement, and completion.
!on't critici1e yourselfL your child's relationship with herself may e&entually mirror your own, so make
sure to keep it positi&e.
#dentify and redirect your child's inaccurate beliefs about perfection, attracti&eness, ability, or other
,ualities. 4elp set accurate standards and be more realistic in e&aluating themsel&es. $# cant do math.
#'m a bad student,% is a false generali1ation that will set your child up for failure when in fact he has the
capacity to be a bright student. 6emind your child of the whole picture by saying, $*ou're great in school,
math is 2ust a sub2ect you need to spend more time on.%
#f you suspect your child suffers from low self esteem, don't be afraid to consider professional help
from a counselor to help unco&er underlying issues that pre&ent your child from feeling good about
himself. (ith therapy, children can learn to &iew themsel&es and the world positi&ely and turn around
some of the potential negati&e conse,uences associated with years of compounded negati&e self
image.
!angerous Toys' (hat *ou )eed to 3now
?ne and a half million Thomas trains. Close to a million /esame /treet and !ora the E0plorer toys. :=C,CCC
/ponge Bob /,uare antsM (hat is going on with toys these days9 From Barbie to Curious @eorge, :CCG
is the *ear of the 6ecall. And with the holidays coming up fast, many parents are throwing up their hands as
they look at their gift lists.
First the bad news' despite what you may ha&e heard, no go&ernment agency tests toys before they hit K./.
shel&es. There is an agency, The Consumer roduct /afety Commission EC/CF, set up to keep consumers
safe, but they ha&e a measly fifteen full"time inspectors to check millions of toys at hundreds of ports of
entry.
$The Consumer roduct /afety Commission is a little agency with a big 2ob it simply can not do,% says Ed
5ier1winski, Consumer rogram !irector for the Federation of /tate ublic #nterest 6esearch @roups
E#6@sF, a network of researchers and public interest ad&ocates.
The C/C is our go&ernment+s smallest safety agency, but it+s responsible for 8=,CCC products, from chain
saws, to kitchen appliances, to escalators. /tarted in 8AG<, its current budget, NJ; million, is less than half of
what its initial budget EN;< millionF would be if it were simply ad2usted for inflation EN8<C millionF. And its staff
has been whittled down by almost two thirds from its peak in 8AHC, 5ier1winski says.
)ow the good news' there are three bills being batted about on Capital 4ill right now, with the intent of
making toys safer. The brawniest is the #6@"backed /AFE Consumer roduct Act E46 ;JA8F which would
ban lead completely e0cept in trace amounts, not 2ust in paint but anywhere else in a product, to <C parts per
millionOthe le&el recommended by the American Academy of ediatrics. The bill would also re,uire all toy
companies to guarantee that their products ha&e been sub2ect to independent third party testing. Two other
bills, the C/C 6eform Act E/ :C<=F and the Consumer roduct /afety 5oderni1ation Act E46 <C<CF are
good first steps, but more watered down options.
(ith all the red tape in (ashington, don+t e0pect any of these bills to get passed in time to help families this
holiday season. That said, it+s important to try and tune out all the scary news stories, and reali1e that most
toys on the shelf are safe. 4ere are a few important things to keep in mind when you+re shopping this year'
"uy -... made toys whenever possi/le. (hile buying domestic is by no means a guarantee that a toy is
safe, it does make it less likely that the toy has lead paint. $There+s no study that #+m aware of that pro&es
that buying American is a panacea,% Ed 5ier1winski says. /till, according to )ancy Cowles, !irector of the
nonprofit 3ids in !anger, $Dead paint is simply not a&ailable in this country%, so at least when it comes to that
one factor, K./. made toys are a safer bet, she says.
Avoid ine0pensive 1ewelry and play cosmetics. All those pint"si1ed lipsticks and pressed powders may
look cute, but many of them are full of dangerous chemicals. $6ead the labels of all play cosmetics and
a&oid products with 0ylene, toluene, or dibutyl% K./. #6@ ad&ises. And when it comes to ine0pensi&e
2ewelry, 2ust say no. 5ore than 8=C million pieces of cheap 2ewelry were recalled in :CC< alone. And at least
one child has died from swallowing a tiny charm, full of lead. $# would ne&er buy cheap 2ewelry,% 5ier1winski
says, $Cheap hea&y 2ewelry is asking for lead.%
Don+t i!nore a product+s a!e !uidelines. $Choking is actually the biggest ha1ard for toys,% )ancy Cowles
says, $And the age grading for toys is really for safety. E&en if your child is ad&anced for his age, if a toy has
parts that can easily break off, it could be dangerous for a young child.%
(onsider a lead testin! )it. Children e0posed to lead can suffer lowered #P, delayed mental and physical
de&elopment, and e&en death. Dead affects almost e&ery organ in the body, especially the central ner&ous
system, and is particularly to0ic to the brains of young children. E0perts are mi0ed on the effecti&eness of
lead testing kits. But while the kits can+t tell a parent whether a toy contains internal parts that are lead"
laden, they can ser&e as a good preliminary screening tool, 5ier1winski says. Consumer 6eports recently
did a report on the effecti&eness of lead testing kits and they are not all created e,ual. #6@ testers use a
Consumer 6eports recommended kit called DeadCheck. *ou can buy an H"swab kit online for less than
twenty bucks. /wab the toy and if the tip turns bright purple, there is surface lead. $3eep in mind,
5ier1winski warns, $The toy might still ha&e other problems, like cadmium,% but this is a good preliminary
test to check for lead.
"rin! a toilet paper roll. #f you+&e got young children, you can buy something called a choke"test cylinder, a
clear plastic tube a little o&er an inch wide that costs about three dollars. ?r you can bring an empty toilet
paper roll. #f your kid is under si0, don+t buy anything with parts small enough to fit in the tube. Kse your
hands to try to pry off car wheels, action figure arms, and small parts. /ure, if you break it you buy it. But if
you can pull of a part, so can your kid. /o try before you buy. And remember, no balloons for children under
H. They cause more choking deaths each year than any other children+s product. #f you must gi&e balloons,
gi&e 5ylar, not late0.
Avoid certain materials. For :: years the K./. #6@s $Trouble in Toyland% report has offered safety
guidelines for parents buying toys for small children. And while no toy is guaranteed safe, there are certain
materials that are riskier than others, according to 5ier1winski. $/tay away from painted wood toys,% he
says, $especially red or yellow painted toys, and a&oid toys made of >C plastic%. (hy a&oid soft plastic9
Ahh, 2ust another big bad secret of the toy industry. hthalates are a class of chemicals used to soften hard
plastic materialObe it bendable action figures or pliable chewy toysOand they+re rampant in kids+ toys. The
European Knion has banned or seriously restricted the use of si0 phthalates in child products, based mostly
on K./. research, but they+re not regulated in America. And they+&e been linked to reproducti&e issues, early
onset of puberty, and other serious health problems. Choose unpainted wood or cloth toys where&er
possible, especially for children under the age of fi&e.
*oo) for loose ma!nets. 5agnets are becoming more and more, well, attractive, to toy producers. And
they show up in e&erything from ollie ockets to Barbie accessories. The problem is, if kids swallow more
than one, they can attract each other inside the body and cause a life"threatening tear to organs. #f a toy on
your shopping list has magnets, make sure you check that none are loose.
#rotect your child+s ears. 5ore than one in se&en kids aged J to 8G show signs of hearing loss, according
to a 8AAH study published by the Qournal of the American 5edical Association. A few years ago, they put out
new acoustics guidelines for toys, setting the loudness threshold at AC decibels. The ?ccupational /afety
and 4ealth Administration E?/4AF reports that regular listening at H= decibels or higher can result in hearing
damage. Dots of toys on today+s shel&es e0ceed these safety standards. *ou can buy an ine0pensi&e kit to
test decibel le&els from the comfort of your own li&ing room. ?r you can 2ust use common sense and a&oid
toys that seem too loud, in fa&or of non"blipping, beeping models.
Trying to choose gifts this season can seem o&erwhelming. !on+t be afraid to seek help. *ou can look on the
C/C+s website for information about toys that ha&e been recalled for safety reasons. *ou can check out
our gift guideOwe ha&e assurances from e&ery manufacturer whose products are featured there that they
are lead"safe, or lead"free. *ou can print out the guidelines in this article and bring it to the store with you. ?r
you can think outside the toybo0, )ancy Cowles of 3ids in !anger says, $5aybe books and &ideos aren+t
such a bad idea this Christmas.%
#mportance of /etting Dimits
4umans are not born knowing how to beha&e. They are born immature, impulsi&e, insatiable, and
undisciplined. That's why they ha&e parents O to teach them what is e0pected, to set rules and standards
for appro&ed conduct, and to define and enforce conse,uences for beha&ior. Adults RspoilR children when
they neglect to gi&e them this kind of structure.
Children need and want guidance and limits until they can depend on themsel&es to make appropriate
choices. Children depend on their parents to set up the limits of how much T> Ecan # watch9F, how late Ecan #
stay up9F, how many Enew outfits can # ha&e9F when Edo # need to be ,uiet9F and where Ecan # go without
you9F. As children grow, their boundaries need to e0pand.
The /earch #nstitute has found <C de&elopmental assets or resources children need to grow up healthy,
caring, and responsible. Family boundaries that state clear rules and conse,uences and ha&e acti&e follow"
through are one of the essential assets. Children re,uire firm, lo&ing boundaries in order to feel safe and to
learn the effects of their beha&ior on others.
)ewborns to 8:"month"olds are too young to understand boundaries. arents or caregi&ers can pro&ide
security by offering lo&e, cuddling, protection, and redirection to these tiny humans. Baby"proof your house
to keep them safe. @i&e caring attention to build the basic parent"child bond and instill trust.
?ne" to three"year"olds can understand R)oR and that conse,uences follow their beha&ior. Children of these
ages sometimes say RnoR 2ust to hear it come out of their mouths. )otice your reaction to your child's R)o7R
?&er"reaction, R4ow dare you say that to me7R only reinforces the beha&ior. 6edirecting your child's attention
without responding to the RnoR is effecti&e.
Children who are defiantly saying R)?7R are probably hearing it often from parents. 4ere are some tips'
/ay R?ut of boundsR in place of R)o.R
!ecrease the number of Rno'sR you say by telling your child what it is you want himSher to do.
(hen you must say Rno,R also tell your child two things they can do. For e0ample' R!on't use the
marker on the wall. Kse this paper or this easel for drawing.R
#nstead of automatically saying, R)o,R ask yourself, R(hy not9R #f the beha&ior isn't harmful,
unhealthy or life"threatening, perhaps you could allow your child to continue. 5ake the en&ironment
safe, and permit e0ploration.
Decide on the "oundaries
As the parent, it is your 2ob to decide on the boundaries for your child. These include physical things such
as, RThe car doesn't start until e&eryone is in seatbelts.R And emotional safety including, R?ur family respects
and is kind to one another. )ame"calling is out of bounds.R Teach and use the terms RboundariesR and Rout
of bounds.R
/pecifically plan ahead with your child so they knows e0actly what to e0pect. R(hen you are in the store, #
e0pect you to walk. 6unning around is out of bounds. #f you decide to run, we will go to the car for a time"
out.R
*ou must enforce the boundaries by following through immediately with your conse,uence. Ksing words,
e0planations, and lectures do not persuade young children. !ri&en by strong emotion, they cannot be
reasoned with. *ou must take action. /ilently carry your child, if necessary, to your time"out place. /it there
,uietly for a few minutes with your child and do not gi&e attention of any kind O no physical, &erbal, or eye
contact. R)ow, let's try again to play in a friendly waySwalk Setc.R #f you are away from home, use your car for
your time"out place. Children re,uire a dependable firm response from you in order to grow up healthy and
accountable.
Child psychologist 6udolph !reikers used a wonderful ,uote with parents' R/hut up and act7R #nstead of
arguing with your child, stay calm, or take a time"out yourself until you are. Focus on the rule or demand.
Rlease, please, please can # ha&e 2ust one cookie now7R begs your child. 6espond with, R?ur family rule is
no dessert before dinner.R 3eep a neutral tone and facial e0pression.
Agree with your child, R# know you don't like that rule. # understand your feeling mad, ne&ertheless the rule
stands.R #f your child continues the discussion, answer, RTake a time"out. (e'll talk later when you are calm.R
*our child's 2ob is to test your boundaries with whining, pouting, or cruel words like, R*ou are the meanest
mommy.R *our cle&er child will figure out e0actly how to push your buttons, and press you to gi&e in.
(ithstand the test.
This is probably the toughest thing a parent faces. The displeasure caused by your firm R)oR and the
conse,uence when a boundary is crossed is critical for your child to e0perience in order to learn. *our child
is depending on you to be mature and strong in the face of hisSher emotions.
*ou do not need to be your child's friend. *ou need to be their parent O firm and fair, offering lo&e and limits.
*our reasonable limits and consistent follow"through cause a greater, not a lesser, sense of security and
lo&e within your child.T
Kntil youth can depend on themsel&es to make appropriate choices, we must be sure they can depend on
us, the (ise Elders, for creating and enforcing structure, limits, and boundaries in their li&es. /ay what you
mean, firmly and kindly, and consistently do what you say.
4ow to !iscipline Children and 4elp Them !e&elop
/elf"Control
2ntroduction
All children misbeha&e at some timeL it's part of finding out what appropriate beha&ior is and where the limits
are. Children may throw tantrums, test the rules, start fights, refuse to cooperate with family routines, use
bad languageOthe list goes on. As parents teach children appropriate beha&ior, what the e0pected rules
and boundaries are all about, it's important to remember the goals of discipline. !iscipline means helping a
child de&elop self control and a sense of limits, e0perience the conse,uences of hisSher beha&ior, and learn
from hisSher mistakes. !iscipline does not mean punishment or conflict between parent and child. All
children need the security of knowing the rules and boundaries of beha&iorL without them they feel at a loss.
Real *ife .tories
Ale0, aged : U, throws himself on the floor and screams when he wants cookies before eating his dinner.
/hould his mother let him ha&e the cookies, ignore him, or distract him9
3loise4 aged J, has learned some curse words and uses them in a loud &oice to her father, when he won't
buy the cereal she has seen ad&ertised. /hould he take her out of the store, wash her mouth with soap, or
smile and pretend she didn't do anything wrong9
Naomi, aged 8:, refuses to make her bed, stating that her room is her territory and it's her right to keep it
the way she pleases. /hould her parents agree with her, set up some rules, or take away her allowance9
Rafey, 8G, wants to attend an all"night party after the high school prom. /hould his parents permit him to go,
refuse to let him go, discuss their concerns with him, make some arrangements for super&ision9
Discipline5 a developmental loo)
Fle0ibility is the key to discipline as children grow. arents must be prepared to modify their discipline
approach o&er time, using different strategies as their child de&elops greater independence and capacity for
self regulation and responsibility.
The foundations for discipline are laid down in the early years. !uring the first year of life, as parents
establish a trusting relationship with their baby, they set the climate for parentSchild interactions through the
years. /ometime between the ages of 8 and :, the indi&idual pre&iously thought of as a baby suddenly
bursts onto the scene as a full"fledged person with &ery specific wants and needs. As toddlers begin to mo&e
around they test their independence, and they need to be helped to understand what is safe, what they can
and cannot do. Focused with their own needs, toddlers are not concerned with the interests of others. /ince
they do not yet understand the idea of conse,uences, a gentle but firm RnoR is in order. (ith the e0plosion of
new skillsOtalking, walkingOtoddlers may appear to understand the rules and can be reasoned with at
times, but they are not yet really ready to control their actions. reschoolers understand rules, and their
beha&ior is guided by these rules and their increasing awareness of conse,uences of their beha&ior. As
children reach school age, they understand the reasons for rulesL the rules become internali1ed and are
accompanied by an increasing sense of responsibility and self control. 5ost school age children are
sensiti&e to the notion of fairness and 2ustice and are able to weigh the needs of others as they make
decisions. !uring adolescence, the indi&iduals become responsible for their own beha&ior. Establishing self
control is a process which de&elops slowly, and the ultimate goal of discipline is to help children build their
own self"control, not to ha&e them merely obey adult commands.
$hat parents can do
#f you want considerate, cooperati&e, and fle0ible children, you should be their model.
Thin) a/out your style of discipline
arents discipline their children in &arious ways. 6esearchers ha&e identified the three most common
parenting styles' authoritarianSstrict, authoritati&eSmoderate and permissi&e.
An authoritarian, or extremely strict, parent controls a child's beha&ior and attitude by stressing
obedience to authority and discouraging discussion. E0tremely strict parents often rely on punishment.
An authoritati&e, or moderate, parent sets limits and relies on natural and logical conse,uences for
children to learn from making their own mistakes. The parent e0plains why rules are important and why
they must be followed. Authoritati&e parents reason with their children and consider the children's point
of &iew e&en though they might not agree with them. They are firm, with kindness, warmth and lo&e.
They set high standards and encourage their children to be independent.
A permissi&e, or indulgent, parent e0erts minimal control. Children are allowed to set their own rules
and schedules and acti&ities. ermissi&e parents do not demand the high le&els of beha&ior as
authoritarian and authoritati&e parents.
4ow do children raised by these types of parents grow up9 Follow"up studies show that the moderate way,
between e0treme permissi&eness and e0treme strictness, is the most effecti&e of the three styles. Children
raised by authoritati&eSmoderate parents tended to ha&e a good self concept and to be responsible,
cooperati&e, self"reliant and intellectually curious. Children raised by authoritarianSstrict parents tended to be
timid and withdrawn, less intellectually curious and dependent on the &oice of authority. Children raised by
permissi&e parents tended to be immature, reluctant to accept responsibility or to show independence.
Following are some helpful discipline techni,ues'
-se lan!ua!e to help solve pro/lems
Establish fair, simple rules and state them clearly. (hen children ac,uire language, help them use words,
rather than actions, to e0press how they feel. /imilarly, when you are disciplining your child, tell her that you
understand what she's feeling. After the preschool years, a child is able and interested in understanding
beha&ior. For e0ample, a G"year"old may hit her younger brother when he grabs her toy. #n the child's world,
it's difficult to ha&e a younger sibling messing with your stuff. /o, accompany the discipline with a statement
that tells her you know how annoying it can be to ha&e someone getting in your way, but she is not allowed
to hit. 4elp her practice identifying and saying what she feels before she acts. *ou might pose situations
such as R4ow can you tell Amanda that you don't like it when doesn't let you ha&e a turn9R *ou might also
suggest some other situations and encourage to child to generate some possible solutions to the situation.
2!norin!
For some infractions, the simple act of ignoring the beha&ior will make it disappear. /ome children
misbeha&e as a way of getting attention, and parents may unwittingly encourage the beha&ior they are trying
to stop. By repeatedly telling your child to stop blowing bubbles into his milk or to stop playing with her food,
you may be really calling attention to the beha&ior, turning it into an e&ent. #gnore it and attend to something
else and then focus attention on the child when she does the right thing. The point is' recogni1e and attend
to beha&ior you want to encourage rather than beha&ior you don't want to encourage.
Rewards
ositi&e reinforcement is the best techni,ue for encouraging wanted beha&ior. 5ost children cra&e attention
and acceptance from their parents and will work to get it. 6ewards are not bribesL they are ways to show a
child that she is doing a good 2ob. The reward should be tailored to the age and tastes of the child as well as
to the resources of the parent. >erbal praise can be effecti&e. Although stickers are often used to encourage
new or impro&ed beha&ior, don't underestimate the &alue of time. A special trip to the playground or an e0tra
story at bedtime is often all it takes to moti&ate the child to do a better 2ob.
Natural conse,uences
arents always ha&e the option of using natural conse,uences to dri&e home a point. )atural conse,uences
help children learn to take responsibility for their actions and help parents reali1e that the long term gain will
be worth the short term discomfort. For e0ample, the lC"year"old who forgot to bring home her social studies
book and is unprepared for a ,ui1 may want you to write a note that she was sick. 6efusing to do this
teaches the child to plan better ne0t time and not to e0pect that her parents will lie to bail her out.
No more no 6 )eep it positive
Both parents and children get tired of hearing 'no' all the time. Too many no's lose their meaning and don't
help a child learn what will get her a 'yes.' ositi&e statements teach children what is appropriate. #t is not
enough to tell a child what not to doL you should also teach a better alternati&e. #f your fi&e"year"old is
happily and busily coloring with crayon on the wall, it's more effecti&e to gi&e him paper, perhaps in different
si1es and shapes in a bo0 2ust for art supplies, and say something like 'walls are not meant for drawing, but
paper is perfect. And when you use paper you can draw as many pictures as you want, and # can sa&e
them.' arents should de&elop a radar system to pick up the good beha&ior rather than 2ust the bad. Catch
children when they are sharing, helping other children, dealing well with frustration, and compliment them
immediately. Try a one"day e0periment and you'll be surprised at all the good beha&ior you'll find.
Don't dictate5 ne!otiate
)egotiation does not mean that that parents or children get their way. )egotiation, when done with
sensiti&ity, makes e&eryone feel part of the solution to a problem. E&en young children like to feel they ha&e
a choice rather than that they are being forced into something. Think carefully about the choices you offer
before starting the negotiations. #nsisting that your child take his bad"tasting medicine can set the stage for
conflict. 4owe&er, gi&ing him the choice of taking the medicine with a 2uice pack or a milkshake encourages
cooperation. But proceed with caution and choose your words carefully. @i&e the child a choice only when
he truly has one. !on't ask a <"year"old if she wants to go to the doctor if a doctor &isit is necessary. But do
ask her to choose what snack to take or what to wear.
#ic) your /attles
/ome issues 2ust aren't worth the hassle. !iscipline doesn't mean that parents always win. *ou may feel as
if you're gi&ing in, but there are times when you should decide if what your child is carrying on about is worth
the fuss. ?b&iously, destroying a toy on purpose is more serious and re,uires a direct response when
compared to prolonging play time in the bathtub. arents should prioriti1e and decide what's important. For
e0ample, parents can be more strict about honesty that about cleaning up a room. #t's reasonable to set a
curfew for a 8="year"old, but it's probably not worth fighting about what clothes she wears as long as they fit
your rules of decency.
#revention
(ith time, parents get to know their child's trouble spots, and then pre&ention is in order. For e0ample, if
e&ery time you go to the supermarket your <"year"old begs you to buy her &arious items, de&ise a plan
before you go. *ou might gi&e her an empty bo0 of an item you want to buy and ha&e her help you hunt for
it. erhaps you can also tell her you will stop at the library, or plan some other treat, if she helps you.
reparing children in ad&ance for a change from one acti&ity or en&ironment to another helps them manage
the transition.
Dealin! with unaccepta/le /ehavior 6 !espite all the ad&ice and good intentions, children and parents will
still ha&e meltdowns. 3eeping blowups in perspecti&e, preparing for them, and ha&ing some strategies for
dealing with them will help e&eryone manage crises.A basic principle to remember' parents should separate
out the child and the action. #t is essential to remind a child that it is the beha&ior that is disliked, but the child
is still lo&ed.
Be clear, firm and specific about what you mean.
Be respectful. !on't resort to name"calling or yelling.
The conse,uence should follow the beha&ior immediately. The conse,uence should be fair in
relation to the beha&ior.
Time out
(hen it works it really works7 Time out is time honored for good reason. Time out teaches the child that for
e&ery action there is a reaction. /pecifically, time out achie&es two important ob2ecti&es' it immediately stops
unwanted beha&ior and it gi&es the child Eand parentF a necessary cooling off period. The general rule of
thumb is to start time out immediately after the incident or beha&ior and ha&e a designated spot for the time
out. The number of minutes the child is in time out should be generally e,ui&alent to his ageL thus the ="
year"old is in time out for fi&e minutes. /ome children may need to be held during the time out to stay, and
physically feel, in control, and some children may be too scared about being alone to benefit from this
techni,ue.
$hat doesn't wor)
/tudies confirm that children who are treated aggressi&ely physically will grow up to be aggressi&e. Thus the
potential for the cycle of abuse to repeat itself through the generations is increased. Another main reason
that spanking is not an effecti&e form of discipline is that it can backfire. #magine this' A G"year"old hits a <"
year"old. A parent rushes in and hits the offender. (hat did the children learn from this scenario9 They
learned that it's okay to hit when they're mad, e0actly the opposite of what the parent intended to teach.
Children are masters of imitation and look to their parents as models. (hat's the effect of hitting9 The
children learn to hit, 2ust like the mom and dad.
$hen to see) help
Check things out with a professional if your child is doing dangerous or risky things that you can't stop, if
he's o&erly aggressi&e with others, or is disrespectful of people or property. arents should also seek
consultation if there are changes in beha&ior or if there are physical signs, such as headaches, or poor
eatingSsleeping. Any medical or psychological causes for unacceptable beha&ior should be identified and
addressed as soon as possible.
7uestions and answers
(an 2 spoil my /a/y if 2 pic) her up every time she cries8
#nfants can be trying for parents because their needs are so constant. Babies don't purposely challenge their
parentsL they are 2ust unable to take care of their own needs. Feeding infants, changing them, playing and
talking with them and distracting them all build a strong, secure parent"child bond. Especially in the first
three months, responding to the baby's cries makes him or her feel safe, not spoiled. By between ; and J
months parents are usually better able to differentiate a child's cries and know when a cry signifies distress
or when a cry will fade on its own.
y 99:month:old 1ust learned to wal) and !ets into everythin!. 2'm afraid he'll !et hurt. $hat can 2
do8
Although children of J to 8: months of age are beginning to understand and e&en use some language, they
do not understand the world around them. (hen you see a child doing something unsafe, firmly say RnoR
and, if necessary, physically remo&e him. For e0ample, if he is touching something hot, tell him RnoR and
mo&e him away. !istracting him and gi&ing him something else to do are also helpful strategies.
2've tried everythin!4 /ut my ;:year:old still mis/ehaves. $hat am 2 doin! wron!8
/ometimes misbeha&ior results from a combination of a child being willful and a parent being ineffecti&e in
hisSher approach. 4owe&er, a child's beha&ior may signal some other problem. For e0ample, your child may
be frustrated due to a language problem, or ha&e difficulty with regulating his emotions, or e&en ha&e
e0perienced some trauma. A professional can help you decide if it's a de&elopmental or a parenting
problem.
y 9<:year:old constantly challen!es me when 2 as) a/out her homewor)4 /ut 2 thin) she's not doin!
it.
Children appreciate being trusted and respected by their parents. But it's a tough lesson to learn that getting
respect re,uires gi&ing itOwhich goes for parents and children alike. #n addition, school age children need to
learn about cause and effect, and the positi&e and negati&e conse,uences of beha&ior. They also need to
de&elop some independence. 4omework is a typical pro&ing ground for all these attributes. *ou should set
up a reasonable routine for doing and re&iewing the homework, taking into account e&eryone's preference
for time. Be patient if the child has to e0perience a bad ,ui1 grade to understand what happens if homework
is not done. @rades and teacher reports should help a parent check on progress. #f trouble with academics
is brewing, parents should certainly step in and ha&e the problem e&aluated. The earlier that learning or
emotional issues are addressed, the better the outcome.
'ow can 2 !et my 9=:year:old to a/ide /y his curfew8
#t's normal for teens to be more in&ol&ed with their peers than with their parents. Alliance with peers is a
necessary step as teens create an identity for themsel&es, become more independent, and prepare to lea&e
home e&entually. Teens still appreciate limits and still need to know what their parents think, although they
may not always act as if they do. The usual discipline techni,ues targeted for younger children can still be
used but need to be adapted for the teenager. #t is still appropriate for parents to set limits on beha&ior and
define conse,uences. 6emember, the more forbidden a parent makes something, the more appealing it may
become. (ith teenagers, parents should e0plain the reasons for their decisions and encourage a dialogue
whene&er possible. #t is also important for parents to acknowledge and listen to their teens' thoughts and
ha&e them feel that they're understood. !iscipline in the teen years is not 2ust about rules, it's about
youngsters learning &alues, trying adult beha&ior and accepting responsibility.
unishment and The 5issed ?pportunity for Dearning
unishment actually undermines children+s learning about appropriate and inappropriate beha&ior. #nstead of
youngsters thinking about the beha&ior that caused the problem, they end up thinking resentfully about the
punishment. unishment also focuses attention on what not to do rather than teaching what todo. *oung
children need information about acceptable ways of beha&ing, and they need help in understanding why
certain actions are better than others Ee.g., 4art et al., 8AAGF. #n other words, they need teaching instead of
punishment.
Caroline, the children+s center director, was concerned about the row of sad faces in the back of the room
during afternoon choice time. #t was Qoanne+s policy to remo&e kids from play if they weren+t able to get
along with others. Caroline decided to discuss this policy with Qoanne.
Caroline met with Qoanne and shared her concern that the children who most needed practice with social
skills were not getting that practice. (hen they were remo&ed from play, they were no longer in the learning
situation. /he asked Qoanne to problem"sol&e with her about ways to help these youngsters learn to get
along instead of 2ust e0pelling them from play.
As they discussed the kinds of learning e0periences these problem children needed, Qoanne began to think
of ways to teach instead of punish. But she reali1ed that the changes re,uired more than one adult in the
large playroom. $#+ll ha&e to ask /heri or 5aureen to work the blue room with me during choice time,% she
planned. That change, howe&er, meant ha&ing fewer options a&ailable for children. The teachers would ha&e
to alternate between opening the woodworking center and the painting area. Qoanne decided that the
sacrifice was worth it. (ith two adults to inter&ene, teachers could help children indi&idually resol&e
disputes.
Caroline was pleased with the outcome of the discussion. /he and Qoanne re&iewed the kinds of role
modeling and problem"sol&ing assistance that would be most helpful in teaching social skills. Qoanne
arranged a meeting with her assistants to go o&er this new plan.
*ac) of (ritical Thin)in!
unishment doesn+t 2ust limit learning about acceptable beha&ior' it limits learning in general. Brain research
shows that e&ents that create fear, an0iety, or humiliation ha&e negati&e effects on mental growth EButchart,
8AAHF. E&en strict en&ironments that re,uire superficial, automatic responses can inhibit the growth of
mental capacity. The gruff and threatening order to $!o as you+re told7% and the e0pectation of instant
obedience are e0amples of this type of en&ironment. Children raised with this type of discipline usually ha&e
low moti&ation to think beyond parroting memori1ed answers. They tend to be submissi&e to the ideas of
others and accept what others say uncritically instead of learning to think for themsel&es E!e>ries, 8AAAF.
/uch submissi&eness may sound good to some parents, unless they reali1e that it will mean submitting to
peer pressure when the child is a teenager.
#n contrast, e&ents that encourage reflection and other thinking promote mental growth and intellectual
power. An e0ample of an e&ent that encourages thinking is Beau and the broken bracelet. Through his
e0perience, he comes to reali1e the connection between his action and the broken bracelet, and then the
connection between his work to earn money and making up for the damage. This type of discipline
encourages children to think for themsel&es and stri&e to understand the world E!e>ries, 8AAAF. A brain that
is e0ercised becomes stronger and more capable.
*ac) of 2nner (ontrols
For some kids, fear of punishment becomes the only reason to beha&e in socially acceptable ways. These
youngsters are only likely to act appropriately when someone is there to catch them. E&en then, the
seriousness of the punishment is often weighed against the potential pleasure of the inappropriate action
E3amii, 8AH:F. ?ften youngsters will choose to go ahead with the action and $face the music% later. Accepting
the punishment can e&en become a sort of challenge to their courage. )ot getting caught can become
another type of challenge. 3ohlberg+s E8AH<F e0tensi&e studies of moral de&elopment concluded that
punishment is ineffecti&e in promoting moral de&elopment, whereas the opposite approach, a de"
emphasi1ed use of adult power, assists the de&elopment of a child+s internali1ed conscience Ee.g., !e>ries,
8AAAL 3ochanska, 8AA8F.
Deceitfulness
5any people whose only restraint comes from fear of punishment become incredibly sneaky E3amii, 8AH:F.
They become skillful at lying and other forms of deceit. *ou ha&e probably known people who ha&e adopted
this dishonest approach to life. They get what they want behind people+s backs. Although they can act
innocent, others soon catch on to them and learn to distrust them. Certainly, this beha&ior is not a desirable
outcome of discipline.
6ecent headlines tell us that 2u&enile crime is increasing alarmingly. The public response is to $get tough%
and punish harder, while punishing the kids+ parents, too. /uggestions such as publishing the names of
2u&enile offenders are e&idence of how little most people understand about how to impro&e beha&ior. 4ow
can publicly labeling a young person as a criminal possibly help that child beha&e better9 (hen suggestions
focus on pre&ention of 2u&enile delin,uency instead of punishment, the plans aim at older kids who are
already in trouble. 3indergarten teachers can tell you which of their ="year"old students are likely to end up
in 2ail unless they get helpL the problems begin early, and therefore need to be addressed early.
Those who would address the problems through puniti&e measures need to read the research showing that
children who are punished are most likely to turn to crime E/traus, 8AA8F. #n :CC8, nearly three of e&ery
hundred American adults had ser&ed time in prison, according to the K./. Qustice !epartment. Almost a third
of those who had ser&ed time were still under correctional super&ision, including parole, probation, and in
local 2ails EK./. !epartment of Qustice, :CC<F. unishment clearly isn+t working, since building more and
more prisons and incarcerating more and more people ha&e not significantly reduced crime.
/panked with (ords' 5ore !amaging than (e 5ay
6eali1e
(hile conducting therapy with children, # often ask them about their understanding of why their parents discipline
them and the kinds of disciplinary practices in which their parents engage. # also attempt to gain their perspecti&e
of how 2ustified they consider the disciplinary measures to be and what, if anything, they learn from their parents+
actions. #nterestingly, when # initiate a discussion about discipline, almost all children respond as if discipline were
synonymous with punishment. # might add that their parents respond in a similar fashion. That is understandable
since the word discipline typically e&okes images of punishing or being punished. *et, as my colleague !r. /am
@oldstein and # emphasi1e in our book 6aising a /elf"!isciplined Child, we belie&e that one of the most effecti&e
and powerful forms of discipline is positi&e feedback and encouragement. unishment teaches children what not
to do rather than reinforcing what they should do.
(onse,uences and .pan)in!
As many of my readers are aware, # am a strong ad&ocate that when children misbeha&e there should be
conse,uences for their negati&e actions, although # belie&e that any punishment should be guided by the use of
natural and logical conse,uences. /uch conse,uences promote responsibility and accountability rather than
anger and resentment. ?f concern is an issue # addressed in my 5arch, :CC8 website article, namely, punishment
that is e0pressed through corporal punishment. #n that article # wrote that we must remember that the word
discipline stems from the word disciple and is best understood as a teaching process. As a form of education,
discipline should not be associated with so"called teaching practices that ser&e to humiliate, scare, or embarrass
children. # emphasi1ed two of the main functions of discipline. ?ne was to ensure a safe and secure en&ironment
in which children not only learn the importance of rules, limits, and conse,uences but they also appreciate the
reasons that rules and limits e0ist.
The second purpose of discipline # highlighted was to de&elop self"discipline or self"control, a ma2or skill that
underlies success in almost all facets of our li&es. /elf"discipline implies that children ha&e incorporated rules so
that e&en when adults are not present, they will act in a reflecti&e manner, assuming ownership and responsibility
for their beha&ior. # belie&e that the emergence of self"discipline is hampered when spanking becomes a ma2or
disciplinary tactic. #n my workshops some parents ha&e contended that spanking is effecti&e, that it stops
beha&iors in their children that are unacceptable. That may be true, but in my e0perience corporal punishment
also contributes to children acting out behind our backs andSor becoming increasingly angry.
#n my :CC8 article # ,uoted the words of )ancy /amalin, a friend and colleague and a well"known authority on the
theme of discipline. #n an issue of /esame /treet arents 5aga1ine, )ancy, together with editor /usan Dapinski,
wrote an article titled, $The /panking 6eport.% They obser&e, $The child who gets an occasional swat across the
bottom when the parents regretfully lose control is not the child most professionals worry about. #t+s when
spanking becomes a habit that a childOand his familyOmay be at risk. And spanking is a habit for a ma2ority of
American families according to the results of a study of ;,CCC adults last summer by pollster !aniel *ankelo&ich.
The study re&ealed that J8I of the adults who responded condone spanking as a regular form of punishment.%
)ancy and /usan ,uote !r. 5urray /traus, founder and co"director of the Family 6esearch Dab at the Kni&ersity
of )ew 4ampshire in !urham and the author of Beating the !e&il ?ut of Them, a book detailing the impact of
spanking on children. /traus notes, $#n the last three years, we+&e had a re&olution in our state of knowledge
about spanking and &iolence. /panking increases the probability of kids hitting other kids. #t often leads to
antisocial beha&ior like cheating and getting into trouble at school. (hen they grow up, kids who ha&e been
spanked are more likely to hit their partners than kids who ha&en+t.%
/imilar to )ancy and /usan, # am not concerned about the child who infre,uently recei&es a swat on the rear end,
although # would e&en like to see that parental response cease. # do not want parents who ha&e e&er spanked
their child to feel # am unfairly critici1ing themL # ha&e disco&ered many lo&ing parents who at some point ha&e
done so. 4owe&er, # feel it is our responsibility as parents to learn more effecti&e ways of teaching and correcting
our children.
# am most troubled by parents who spank their children on a regular basis andSor parents who do not confine a
slap to the rear end, but rather hit children with force all o&er the body, sometimes using an accessory such as a
belt. # am of the opinion that in these instances spanking begins to border on child abuse. # know that there are
indi&iduals on each side of the spanking argument who would disagree with my perspecti&e. There are those who
belie&e any form of spanking is abusi&e e&en if it only in&ol&es a ,uick slap to the child+s behind, while others
belie&e that spanking is a parent+s right and a proper form of teaching children. 5y position is aligned much closer
to the former group.
.pan)ed with $ords
#n many of my workshops for parents # share a story about an elementary school boy E# will call him QonF whom #
saw in therapy. Qon was born with what has been labeled as a $difficult% temperament. 4is parents often
interpreted his impulsi&ity and struggles in school as beha&iors o&er which he had control and could stop if only he
wanted to do so. Although they did not resort to spanking, they were highly critical of his actions, often yelling and
demeaning him. Their comments included, $(hat a stupid thing to do7% $!o you e&er use your brains9% $Are you
that dumb9% Qon, with tears in his eyes and anguish in his &oice, reported to me, $5y parents don+t spank me with
their hands, they spank me with their words.%
# had ne&er heard a child describe harsh, demeaning parental comments in this way. # often think of Qon+s
description, especially when # read recent reports and research about bullying. The adage, $/ticks and stones
may break my bones, but names will ne&er hurt me% has fallen into disrepute. (e are now aware of the
de&astating effect of &erbal bullying, including cyber"bullying. (e are aware that the well"intentioned ad&ice to 2ust
ignore bullies typically does not result in bullies stopping their harassment. (e know that bullying is a problem
that fre,uently re,uires the inter&ention of adults in order that children feel safe and protected. )o child should
e0perience ongoing taunts and humiliation, the effects of which can last for one+s entire life.
After Qon used the phrase $they spank me with their words% # asked him if it would be okay for me to share his
thoughts and feelings with his parents so that they might begin to appreciate his e0perience. 4e reluctantly
agreed but wondered if it would do any good. 4e e&en &oiced worry that they would become angrier with him if #
told them what he had said. 4owe&er, he ga&e me permission when # &alidated his concern and added that #
thought it would help. 4is parents were initially defensi&e e&en though # attempted to communicate that # was not
here to find fault with them, but rather to ha&e them reflect upon their disciplinary practices and engage in more
effecti&e ways of teaching their son. E&entually they recogni1ed that their approach was leading Qon to become
increasingly an0ious, sad, and resentful and emotionally estranged from them. They were successful in
implementing more constructi&e conse,uences and becoming more attenti&e to offering Qon positi&e feedback
when warranted by his beha&ior. Their relationship with Qon impro&ed significantly.
$ords that .car %oun! "rains
# was reminded once again of Qon+s statement $they spank me with their words% when # recently recei&ed a copy of
Focus, a publication of 4ar&ard 5edical /chool+s ?ffice of ublic Affairs. # was immediately attracted to a story
authored by Eli1abeth !ougherty titled, $Cutting (ords 5ay /car *oung Brains' arental >erbal Abuse of Child
Appears to !amage Cerebral athways.% The article detailed research conducted by lead in&estigator !r. 5artin
Teicher, a psychiatrist at 5cDean 4ospital and on the faculty of 4ar&ard 5edical /chool E45/F. # knew !r. Teicher
from the many years # spent on the staff of 5cDean, including as !irector of the !epartment of sychology. The
article re&iewed some startling research findingsOfindings that support the belief that being $spanked with words%
can ha&e a significant impact on a child+s de&elopment. The research, which in&ol&ed &arious assessment tools
as well as a neural imaging technology called diffusion tensor magnetic resonance imaging E!T#F, was reported in
the February 8 issue of Biological sychiatry.
!ougherty writes, $)ew work from 45/ researchers suggests that parental &erbal abuse can in2ure brain
pathways, possibly causing depression, an0iety, and problems with language processing.% /he reports studies
conducted by Teicher in :CC=, which re&ealed that $parental &erbal abuse has the same negati&e psychiatric
influence as witnessing domestic &iolence or e0periencing e0trafamilial se0ual abuse. . . . 4is latest study, which
shows that &erbal abuse damages specific brain connections, is part of a strategy to isolate different types of
abuse, including witnessing domestic &iolence, childhood se0ual abuse, and harsh corporal punishment, and to
e0amine the specific effects of each on the de&eloping brain.%
Teicher elaborates, $The findings in this study set the stage for what we+re seeing in the other ongoing studiesO
that sensory systems are &ulnerable. The brain is probably suppressing the de&elopment of sensory systems that
are pro&iding ad&erse input.% !ougherty adds, $That is, children+s brains seem to Vturn down the &olume+ on
abusi&e words, images, and e&en pain. The result is diminished integrity in these sensory pathways.%
?ne of the other researchers, !r. Qeewook Choi, a &isiting assistant professor of psychiatry from /outh 3orea,
offers a thought"pro&oking statement. $This is the first e&idence of the potential deleterious effect of ridicule,
humiliation, and disdain on brain connecti&ity.% !r. 5ichael 6ohan, a physicist and lecturer in psychiatry at
5cDean, assisted in interpreting the imaging data. 4e states, $The fact that early abuse actually shows up in your
brain structure late in life is a huge finding. (ho knew that it would carry o&er like that7%
The researchers caution that additional studies are necessary, especially gi&en the relati&ely small sample
in&ol&edO8J adults who had e0perienced chronic parental &erbal abuse but no other type of abuse and 8J who
had ne&er e0perienced any form of abuse. Teicher and his colleagues are now attempting to identify $sensiti&e
periods when specific brain structures are most susceptible Eto abuseF, and, if possible, to find ways to re&erse the
damage.%
!ougherty concludes, $For now, howe&er, the most important message of this work may be the awareness that
parental &erbal abuse is damaging.% Teicher adds the sobering obser&ation, $eople hear that spanking is bad, so
they stop doing that and become more &erbally abusi&e. #t turns out, that may be worse.%
(oncludin! Thou!hts
# ha&e often stressed that one of our main roles as parents or caregi&ers is to be a disciplinarian in the true sense
of the word. (e must teach our children right from wrong and help them de&elop self"discipline and self"control.
As a parent # know that there are a number of occasions when we become frustrated and angry with our children
and can e0press this anger in ways that are hurtful and humiliating. (hile # ha&e long been concerned with
physical and &erbal discipline that is harsh, the research conducted by Teicher and his colleagues pro&ides what #
belie&e will be increasing e&idence of how harmful and longlasting such forms of discipline are, e&en when
con&eyed through words. The harm is not only to the emotional life of children but to the actual de&elopment of
the pathways in their brains.
The research also reinforces my belief that a ma2or challenge of parenting is to learn techni,ues for setting limits
and de&eloping conse,uences that nurture self"discipline and responsibility in children rather than causing them
harm. As we ha&e learned, spanking by hands or spanking by words is a counterproducti&e way of teaching and
works against our children becoming more responsible, thoughtful adults.
Time ?ut
(hen faced with a child's misbeha&ior, parents are often uncertain what form of discipline to use. arents
may allow natural conse,uences to occur for some misbeha&iors. For e0ample, mistreating the cat will result
in the child getting scratched. Dogical conse,uences may be used when natural conse,uences are
impractical, such as taking away the child's bicycle for riding it in the street. #mposing a penalty may be used
for other beha&iors. For e0ample, a := cent fine e&ery time the child swears.
RTime"outR is one of the most effecti&e methods of discipline for dealing with many common childhood
misbeha&iors. Time"out is a brief interruption or suspension of acti&ity that is gi&en immediately following a
child's misbeha&ior. The child is remo&ed from the situation in which his or her beha&ior occurred, and
placed in a ,uiet, boring area for a specific length of time. This can be a chair facing the wall or in another
room.
Time"out means time"out from reinforcement, rewards, and attention. Children dislike time"out because they
lose the attention they were getting and the freedom to play and interact with others. They also lose the
power to anger and upset their parents.
/ince time"out is swift and definite, children are less able to a&oid this form of discipline, and it can be
consistently used each time the misbeha&ior occurs. Timeout is easy for parents to learn and for children to
understand. arents report feeling less angry and upset when using this method of discipline, and they are
pro&iding a rational, nonaggressi&e model of beha&ior for their children.
The short term goal of time"out is to immediately stop problem beha&iors. The long term benefit is that it
helps children learn self discipline.
Time"out is not the only form of discipline that can be used in dealing with misbeha&ior, nor should it be used
for all kinds of misbeha&iors. Time"out is most effecti&e when used with children : to 88 years old, and with
misbeha&iors which are aggressi&e, hostile, emotional or impulsi&e. /ome e0amples of misbeha&iors that
can be effecti&ely dealt with using time"out are hitting, kicking, biting, throwing things, Rtalking backR, temper
tantrums, or doing something dangerous, such as running into the street.
Time"out should not be used to deal with misbeha&iors such as irritability, forgetting or failing to do chores or
homework, or for beha&iors not directly obser&ed by the parent.
/ome guidelines for using time"out include'
5ake sure the child understands what beha&iors are not acceptable, and the conse,uences for
doing them.
!on't begin using time"out on all of the child's misbeha&iors. The child might spend all day in time"
out7 /elect specific misbeha&iors for time"out to begin with.
The length of time for time"out can &ary, depending on the seriousness of the misbeha&ior. A good
general rule is 8 minute for each year of the child's age.
@i&e time"out only for misbeha&ior obser&ed by the parent.
#n order to be effecti&e, time"out should be gi&en immediately Ewithin ;C seconds of the
misbeha&iorF, and consistently Eeach time the misbeha&ior occursF.
After time"out is completed, ask the child to say why he or she was gi&en time"out, and what should
ha&e been done instead of the misbeha&ior.
!isciplining Teenagers
The use of rules and conse,uences becomes critical when you are negotiating your way through the late
adolescent and young teenage years. 6ules, rewards and conse,uences may change as your pre"
teen'sSteen's needs and desires de&elop. 6ewards can be used to encourage your teen to follow the family
rules and beha&e appropriatelyL conse,uence should be used for breaking the rules and misbeha&ing. The
reward or conse,uence should match the misbeha&ior. 4itting andSor yelling at your pre"teen or teen are not
effecti&e forms of discipline or communication. These actions will teach your teen that &iolence and yelling
are appropriate responses to anger or frustration.
Disciplinin! your teena!er
*oss of #rivile!e5 A pri&ilege is a right granted by a parent. ri&ileges for this age group can be a
later curfew, use of the T>S&ideo games, or going to e&ents without a chaperone. #f your child misuses
the pri&ilege, he should lose it for a while. The loss of pri&ilege should correlate with the misbeha&ior.
>roundin!5 This action should be similar to the action you would take when taking away a
pri&ilege. An e0ample would be when your teenager breaks his curfew and comes home late. The
$grounding% action should directly mirror the misbeha&ior. Therefore, an appropriate conse,uence would
be $grounding% your teenager to a week of earlier curfews, or not going out at all.
Restitution5 6estitution means that there is a $pay back% or a logical conse,uence for a specific
beha&ior. The goal of restitution is to make good of a wrong. #t gi&es your teenager the opportunity to
correct his mistake. For e0ample, your child damaged the house while he was home with his friends.
6estitution would be re,uiring your teenager to earn the money to pay for the cost of the damage. This
could be through an after"school 2ob, working around the house, babysitting siblings, or doing additional
chores until the work would amount to the cost of the damage. This kind of discipline not only gi&es your
teenager the chance to redeem himself, but it is also a direct response to his action. 4e will be able to
see how the conse,uence fits his action.
?verdoin! Discipline5 ?ne of the mistakes that you, as a parent, can make is o&erdoing discipline
with your pre"teen or teenager. #t is important to $pick the battles% that will matter and that will create an
opportunity for learning and structure. !iscipline is not necessary for all misbeha&ing actions.
/ometimes it 2ust takes a discussion with your child, rather than an enforced conse,uence. (hether to
punish a young teenager is left entirely to discretion, but remember that too much of one thing can be
harmful. The point of a conse,uence should be to teach your child an important life lesson and recreate
structure, but it should not be a constant mode of parenting.
Tal) to %our (hild5 #t is important to maintain open communication with a young teenager. *our
mode of communication should not be only when you are disciplining your teen. #t is necessary to
remember that your child is struggling with all kinds of peer pressure, academic stress, e0tracurricular
re,uirements, and physical changes, among other possible unknowns. 5ake sure you are regularly
checking in with your child to see how he is doing. Qust making time to ask him once a day $4ow are
you doing today9% can be an important step in parenting. *our teenager needs to feel supported and
comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings.
Respect %our Teena!er's #rivacy5 At this stage, your child is transforming from child to adult. #t
is essential to gi&e him enough space to grow and disco&er things on his own. This will build
confidence, independence, and useful skills for adulthood, while still under your protection and
guidance. ?ne way to keep you from crossing the line of pri&acy is to be aware of the common issues
that teens are facing today and to look for warning signs.
'andlin! "ac) Tal)5 This age group is generally when parents begin to hear their children talking
back to them or challenging their rules and ideas. This is a tricky issue to handle because you don't
want to s,uelch your child's first steps towards autonomy, nor do you want him to think it is alright to be
rude. #n a serious tone say, $# don't want you to talk that way to me. #f you disagree with me that's okay,
but you'll ha&e to do it in a polite way.% This sends the message to your child that you'&e heard what he
has to say, that he has a right to his opinion, but that he needs to communicate it in a respectful way.
This may allow for better communication in the future.
# Think 5y Child #s A BullyO(hat /hould # !o9
*our gut instinct is rightL bullying must be taken seriously. There can be serious short" and long"term
conse,uences for e&eryone in&ol&ed, not 2ust the &ictim of bullying.
The Committee for Children reports that'
Children who bully are more likely to e0perience a decline in their peer group status, which becomes
more and more important in your child's social de&elopment as they enter the teen yearsL and
Children who bully and continue this beha&ior as adults ha&e greater difficulty de&eloping and
maintaining positi&e relationships.
#t can be difficult to hear that your child is bullying others, but denial won+t help the situation. The first step is
to talk with your child about what you ha&e heard. 3ids4ealth recommends a few ,uestions to ask your child
that might help get the con&ersation started and help you understand the situation so you can take
appropriate action'
4ow are things going at school and at home9
Are you being bullied9
!o you get along with other kids at school9
4ow do you treat other children9
(hat do you think about being considered a bully9
.i!ns that y (hild 2s a "ully
@i&en the short" and long"term conse,uences not only for &ictims but for the bullies as well, it is important to
keep an eye out for signs that your child may be bullying others. The Committee for Children reports that a
child who bullies may e0hibit some of the following beha&iors'
Fre,uent name"calling Edescribing others as Vwimps+ or V2erks+FL
6egular braggingL
A need to always get his own wayL
/pending a lot of time with younger or less powerful kidsL
A lack of empathy for othersL and
A defiant or hostile attitude Eeasily takes offenseF.
Tips to 'elp %our (hild .top "ullyin!
.chedule an appointment to tal) with school staff such as your child+s teacherEsF and the school
counselor. /chool staff that work with your child e&ery day may be able to help you understand why your
child is bullying and pro&ide you with some tools to work with your child.
30plain to your child that this )ind of /ehavior is unaccepta/le. /top any show of aggression
you see, and talk about other ways your child can deal with the situation. Establish appropriate
conse,uences for her actions such as taking away pri&ileges and allowing your child to earn them back
with appropriate beha&ior.
30amine /ehavior and interactions in your own home. #s there something at home that is
encouraging this type of beha&ior such as &iolent media of some kind in the form of &ideo games,
tele&ision or mo&ies9 Are there interactions that may lower your child+s self"esteem such as constant
teasing or taunting by a sibling9 (hen you discipline your child, are you focusing on how the beha&ior is
unacceptable rather than your child9
Tal) with your child a/out who his friends are and what they do to!ether. eers can be &ery
influential, especially for teens. #f your child is hanging around with kids who bully and encourage
bullying beha&ior, you may want talk with him about getting in&ol&ed in acti&ities that will help him make
other friends.
Tal) with the parents of your child+s peers a/out /ullyin!. !iscuss your concerns and what you
can do together to change the beha&ior of your children.
odel respect4 )indness and empathy. *ou are your child+s role model and she will learn to treat
others with respect by watching you.
(onsider tal)in! to your child+s pediatrician a/out your child+s /ehavior. They may ha&e some
tips and they may be able to refer you to a mental health clinician that will be helpful in understanding
and resol&ing the problem.
"e realistic. *our child+s beha&ior will not change o&er night. (hen you are talking with your child,
try to focus on how the beha&ior is unacceptable, not your child, and show your support for your child
with praise for appropriate beha&ior.
(ontinue to wor) and communicate with school staff as lon! as it ta)es. They should be your
alliesL working with you to not only put an end to your child+s bullying, but also to pre&ent any bullying in
the school.
Beha&ior' Conse,uence, robable Effect, and
Classification
Beha&ioral consequences EresultsF ha&e a direct influence on the beha&ior a child e0hibits. Beha&ior can be
modified, that is, increased, initiated, or e0tinguished, by systematic manipulation of its conse,uences. The
possible conse,uences of human beha&ior are classified as positi&e reinforcement, e0tinction, negati&e
reinforcement, and punishment.
#n the table below there are se&eral e0amples of EaF classification of the conse,uence, EbF appropriate and
inappropriate beha&ior, EcF the conse,uence of that beha&ior Enot necessarily a planned inter&entionF, and
EdF the probable effect of the conse,uence on the beha&ior in the future.
(lassification ?ri!inal "ehavior 30hi/ited (onse,uence
#ro/a/le 3ffect on the
?ri!inal "ehavior in the
Future
ositi&e reinforcement Qane cleans her room Qane's parents praise her
Qane will continue to clean
her room
ositi&e reinforcement
/hirley brushes her teeth after
meals
/hirley recei&es a nickel
each time
/hirley will continue to brush
her teeth after meals
E0tinction Qim washes his father's car
Qim's car"washing beha&ior
is ignored
Qim will stop washing his
father's car
ositi&e reinforcement Alton works ,uietly at his seat
The teacher praises and
rewards Alton
Alton will continue to work
,uietly at his seat
unishment
@wenn sits on the arm of the
chair
@wenn is reprimanded
each time she sits on the
arm of the chair
@wenn will not sit on the
arm of the chair
)egati&e reinforcement
Bob complains that older boys
consistently beat him up, and he
refuses to attend school
Bob's parents allow him to
remain home because of
his complaints
Bob will continue to miss
school
unishment
Elmer puts Elsie's pigtails in the
paint bo0
The teacher takes away
Elmer's recess
Elmer will not put Elsie's
pigtails in the paint bo0
E0tinction /hirley scolds Qoe
Qoe ignores /hirley's
scolding
/hirley will stop scolding
Qoe
)egati&e reinforcement
Qason complains of headaches
when it is time to do homework
Qason is allowed to go to
bed without doing his
homework
Qason will ha&e headaches
whene&er there is
homework to do
Ksing 6eprimands as a 5ethod of !ecreasing
roblem Beha&ior
?ne form of punishment is the reprimand E4outen, 8AHC, 6eid, 8AAAF. To be reprimanded is to be scolded,
$yelled at,% $bawled out,% or otherwise &erbally chastised for e0hibiting an inappropriate target beha&ior.
6eprimands are useful when a child is engaging in beha&ior that necessitates immediate action because it is
potentially harmful to self, others, or property. 6eprimands should be used selecti&ely in response to specific
beha&iors. A reprimand should include a statement of an appropriate alternati&e to the inappropriate
beha&ior Eia11a, Bowman, Contrucci, !elia, Adelinis, W @oh, 8AAAF.
The following are some guidelines for the effecti&e use of reprimands'
8. Be specific. Tell the child e0actly what inappropriate beha&ior is being reprimanded.
:. 6eprimand the beha&iorL do not derogate the child.
;. 6eprimand immediately.
<. Be firm in &oice and physical demeanor.
=. #f either the child or others may be harmed by the beha&ior, remo&e the child.
J. #f necessary, back up the reprimand with loss of pri&ileges.
G. Encourage the child to beha&e appropriately and include a statement of the appropriate beha&ior in
the reprimand.
H. Be calm.
A. (hen it+s o&er, it+s o&er. !o not keep reminding the child of past inappropriate beha&iorL a&oid
embarrassing the child in the presence of peers and others. To this end, use non&erbal reprimands'
shake your head $no,% point your finger, frown, and so on.
8C. Always obser&e the child+s reaction to the reprimand to determine whether it is a&ersi&e.
30amples
5argie7 Turn off the lathe. !o not turn it on again until you ha&e put on your safety glasses and remo&ed that
loose scarf from your neck. lease re&iew the safety rules.
!onald7 /it up straight and put your feet on the floor while you are typing. roper posture will help your
concentration and pre&ent back pain and physical discomfort in the future.
5ary7 ut on your seat belt. #t is the law in #llinois and may sa&e you from in2ury if we ha&e an accident.
4erm7 Close the windows when you turn on the air conditioner. This will sa&e electricity, which is &ery
e0pensi&e.
(ith regard to the effecti&eness of &erbal reprimands, inter&ention research results are mi0ed E/alend,
Qant1en, W @iek, 8AA:F. The efficacy of the &erbal reprimand appears to be controlled by &arious conditions.
According to >an 4outen, )au, 5acken1ie"3eating, /ameoto, and Cola&ecchia E8AH:F, the effecti&eness of
a reprimand is increased when EaF combined with non&erbal beha&ior generally associated with a &erbal
reprimand Ee.g., pointing a fingerF and EbF deli&ered in close pro0imity to the indi&idual who is the target of
the reprimand.
(heldall E8AA8F researched the effecti&eness of &erbal reprimands with four teachers in general education
classrooms. 4e concluded that reprimands should be gi&en pri&ately and within a positi&e conte0t. #n
addition, reprimands should be used infre,uently, and be specific to the unacceptable beha&ior.
#nterrupting
rint
(ollect 2t@
Email
By Eli1abeth antley
/tate' /outh Carolina !epartment of Education
Kpdated on !ec 8J, :CCH
(hether you're on the phone, busy on your computer, or talking to another adult, it can be frustrating when
your children constantly interrupt you. (hat's surprising to learn is that they do it because they always get a
response from you when they do7 They'&e learned that you are willing to stop what you're doing to answer
them. 3eep in mind that children are so focused on their own needs that they don't reali1e that you ha&e
needs, too. They can learn how to pay more attention to other people's needs as well as their own, which
will help control these endless interruptions.
>ive lessons and e0amples
Teach your children how to determine if something warrants an interruption, as they may ha&e a hard time
deciphering when interruptions are 2ustified. !iscuss e0amples of when it's okay to interrupt, such as when
someone is at the door, or if a sibling is hurt.
(oach proper manners
Teach your child how to wait for a pause in the con&ersation and to say, RE0cuse me.R (hen she remembers
to do this, respond positi&ely. #f the interruption is about something that should wait, politely inform your child
of this.
Don't answer the ,uestion.
5any parents admonish kids for interrupting, but in the same breath respond to the child's interrupted
re,uest, which 2ust reinforces the habit.
$atch your manners
arents sometimes 2ump in so ,uickly to correct their child's bad manners that they don't reali1e that the way
in which their correction is deli&ered is itself rude. Kse your own good manners to model appropriate
communication skills. ause, look at your child, and say, R#'ll be with you in a minute.R
AThe .,ueezeA
Tell your child that if she wants something when you are talking to another adult, she should gently s,uee1e
your arm. *ou will then s,uee1e her hand to indicate that you know she is there and will be with her in a
minute. At first, respond ,uickly so your child can see the success of this method. ?&er time you can wait
longer, 2ust gi&e a s,uee1e e&ery few minutes to remind your child that you remember the re,uest.
(reate a /usy:/o0
ut together a bo0 of acti&ities or games that can only be used when you are on the telephone, working at
your desk, or talking with an adult. ?ccasionally refill it with new things or rotate the contents. Be firm about
putting them away when you are done. *our child will be looking forward to your ne0t con&ersation, which
will be interruption free7
#lan ahead
Before you make a phone call or ha&e a &isitor, let your child know what to e0pect. R#'m going to make a
phone call. #'ll be a while, so let's get your busy"bo0 ready to use while #'m on the phone.R
>ive praise when deserved
Catching your child doing the right thing can be the best lesson of all. raise your child for using good
manners, for remembering to say Re0cuse me,R and for interrupting only for a &alid reason.
T> and *our Teen
rint
(ollect 2t@
Email
/tate' 6hode #sland !epartment of Education
Kpdated on /ep ;C, :CCA
TB 'as a #owerful 2mpact on %oun! #eople
Children and teens in the K/ spend an a&erage of ; to < hours a day watching T>. They spend more time
sitting in front of electronic screens ET>s, computers, and &ideo gamesF than they do on any other acti&ity
besides sleeping. /ome of this time may be educational and entertaining. But it may also be full of images of
&iolence, se0uality, stereotypes, drugs, and alcohol. 3ids are also bombarded with T> ad&ertisements on
products they do not need, including unhealthy foods and snacks.
6esearch shows the impact of T> on children and teens is mostly negati&e. >iolence on T> has been linked
to real"life aggressi&e or &iolent beha&ior by kids. 5any studies ha&e also shown that the more T> kids
watch, the more likely they are to become obese. ?besity is linked to se&eral ma2or health problems,
including asthma, diabetes, heart disease, and sleep apnea Ea sleep disorderF among young people. #n
addition, kids who watch a lot of T> are likely to read less than other students. They are more likely to get
lower grades in school. They may also be more likely to smoke, use alcohol or drugs, ha&e a poorer body
concept and self"image, and be se0ually acti&e as teens.
#arents (an a)e a Difference
arents can shape how T> affects their kids by setting limits on how much they watch and what they watch,
by talking to them, and by setting a good e0ample.
.et *imits on TB and ?ther edia for %our Teen or #re:Teen
.et rules on how much TB they can watch. The American Academy of ediatrics recommends no
more than 8 to : hours a day of ,uality programming Eand no T> for kids under :F. Consider a weekly
limit, too. A&oid letting children watch large blocks of T> Ei.e. < hours straightF by ha&ing them choose
specific programs to watch.
.et rules a/out when they can watch TB. For e0ample, no T> until homework or chores are
finishedL no T> late at night or on a school nightL no T> during dinner, etc.
.et limits a/out what they can watch. Teens can handle more serious programs than younger
kids can. But it is still important to limit the amount of &iolent, se0ual, or stereotyping material they are
e0posed to. @et to know the T> rating system or use the T> guide to help you decide what is okay.
(hen you can, watch shows with your teen and discuss what they are seeing with them.
'elp them /alance TB with other activities. !on't 2ust tell them to watch less. Encourage them to
spend time finding and doing other acti&ities they en2oy such as' reading, musicSarts, sports, hobbies,
outdoor play, social acti&ities, family acti&ities, etc.
Turn the TB off durin! dinner. Try using this time for talking and being together as a family.
Turn the TB off when no/ody is watchin! a pro!ram.A&oid using the T> as background RwhiteR
noise. This increases the amount of time kids are e0posed to negati&e images and ad&ertising. Try
playing music instead.
&eep TBs out of )ids' /edrooms.3ids who ha&e a T> in their room are more likely to spend more
time watching T>, watch programs they otherwise wouldn't be allowed to, stay up late and get less
sleep, and be socially isolated. They are also much more likely to become obese.
$atch $hat %our Teen or #re:Teen $atches on TB and ?ther edia
&now what they are watchin!. ay attention to what is on the screen. Also, be aware of what your
teen is watching when you are not around. 5any teens and pre"teens report that they watch different
shows when they are away from their parents. Talk to parents of your kid's friends, tooL let them know
your e0pectations about T>.
$atch TB with your )id.(atch at least one episode of their fa&orite programs. 5ake sure you think
it is okay. /urf the #nternet together or play their &ideo games with them, as well.
Turn it off if it is inappropriate or offensive.Teach your children to do the same.
.et a computer /loc) on inappropriate 2nternet sites./et a block on se0ually e0plicit sites and
discuss which sites are permitted for your child to use.
3ncoura!e )ids to watch more positive pro!rams.#t may be easier to get your teen to watch
something else, rather than limit how much they watch, at first. Kse &ideos and !>!s to record or show
high",uality, educational programs for them to watch.
Tal) with your teen or pre:teen a/out what's on TB.(hen you watch a program together, talk
about what themes it shows. 5ake links between the show and personal e0periences, books, history, or
places of interest. Kse the show as a launching point to talk about difficult issues like racial stereotypes,
gender stereotypes, &iolence, se0uality, or drugs. !on't be afraid to e0press your opinions and &alues.
"eware of advertisin!.Talk about T> ads particularly with your pre"teen. 4elp them understand
what ads are trying to sell, how they do this, and how they can be misleading. (ho is behind the ads9
(hat methods are they using to RlureR kids9
odel >ood TB "ehavior
*imit your own TB watchin!. Try to watch less or watch more educational programs. /hows with
more &iolent or se0ual content should be &iewed when your younger children are not around.
6emember, your kids watch you and will copy what you do.
Don't ma)e TB seem more valua/le than it is. A&oid using T> as a reward or punishment Eunless
it is punishment specifically for breaking a rule about T> itself.F
2f you or your )id snac)s while watchin! TB4 try eatin! healthier snac)s. (hile sitting in front to
the T>, many kids and adults eat unhealthy snacks. There are also many ads that make foods loaded
with fat or sugar look good. Try to resist the temptation. Eat something good for you and your family like
unsalted unbuttered popcorn, &egetables, or fruit.
G Things )o ?ne Told *ou About !iscipline
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Related Topics
arenting and Families
arenting
!iscipline
!iscipline and Child 6eactions

>ery poor
oor
@ood
>ery good
E0cellent
based on H= ratings
By Qae Curtis
Kpdated on )o& 8J, :C8:
#t's not a secret that disciplining your kids is hardL that's why there are books, blogs and websites dedicated
to the practice. ?f course, some of the facts about discipline are the ones that you'll ne&er learn about in
those fancy tomes, simply because while those parenting e0perts may ha&e raised children, they'&e ne&er
raisedyour children. !on't e0pect te0tbook"perfect kidsL after all, no one is a te0tbook"perfect parent.
#nstead of trying to discipline using on a one"si1e"fits"all model, take an indi&idual approach. /ome of the
disciplinary hiccups you e0perience with your kid are simply par for the course, while others are entirely
unpredictable.
Discipline isn't the same as punishment. !iscipline and punishment are often confused because
they often work hand in hand. But while punishment is an in"the"moment reaction to misbeha&ior,
discipline is learned o&er time, thanks to general e0pectations and consistency. For instance, you can
discipline your child to stop hitting by rendering a punishment each time it happens. !iscipline should be
a consistent method of getting your child to beha&e, so it's more important than punishment alone.
Discipline isn't an e0act science. /cience teaches us that if you mi0 two elements, you'll get a
specific reaction. Knfortunately, the right hypothesis couldn't predict your child's reaction during a time"
out. !iscipline definitely isn't an e0act science. #nstead, different factorsOsuch as child temperament,
fatigue, hunger, or a temporary bad moodOcan change how your little one reacts to your parenting
method. /omething that worked flawlessly once may dissol&e your child into a fit of screams the ne0t
time. @ood parents know how to roll with the punches and adapt the punishment for the time and place.
"ri/ery can /ac)fire. arenting e0pert and author of How to Raise a Millionaire, Ann 5organ
Qames, warns against the perils of getting into a bribery cycle. R#t is so easy to fall into a pattern of, '#f
you calm down, #'ll buy you a candy bar,'R she relates. RThe first time my son pitched a fit in the store, #
almost did it, but # en&isioned him at 8J and how big the bribe would ha&e to be then. Bribery would
ha&e been the easy road for the moment, but would ha&e pa&ed the way to really bad beha&ior and
conse,uences.R !on't teach your child to milk his tantrums for a peanut butter cupL better discipline
re&ol&es around more than 2ust those fi&e minutes in the store.
There is such a thin! as Aoverpunishment.A unishment is used as a way to teach discipline.
4ere's the thing' punishing your child for running in the street is necessary to teach him to look both
ways. unishing your child because he talked out of turn or because he got a toy out without asking9 #t
diminishes the capacity for discipline when it really counts. 5ake sure that the punishment fits the crime,
and that you're le&ying discipline when it really matters. Det some things slide so that your kid learns the
importance of discipline when it comes to safety or being kind to others.
.ome of the /est disciplinary methods don't involve any punishment. A study published in a
:CCA issue of the Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychologyfound that preXmpti&e disciplineO
redirection or a&oiding conflict with your kidOwas one of the most effect ways of getting your little one to
beha&e. #t's kind of like heading to the doctor for regular checkupsL it's usually less painful than heading
in only when there's a serious problem. By knowing what causes your child to misbeha&e, you can
distract or a&oid and skip the bother of a time"out.
&ids have their own Acurrency.A ... and we're not talking about allowance here. 4a&e you e&er
wondered why a sharp word stops one child in his tracks and lea&es another completely unphased9
That's because e&ery kid is different and what works one doesn't work for the other, mostly because he
uses a different Rcurrency.R #t's your 2ob as a parent to find out what your child &alues mostL it might be
praise, it could be ,uality time or it could be physical touch. *ou can then use that currency to your
ad&antage for disciplinary tactics.
Discipline stin)s for parents and )ids. 4ey, no one said that discipline would be fun and games
for you. /eeing your child unhappy is enough to make you throw out the rules and let him eat chocolate
for dinner. But a good parent knows that proper discipline lays the ground rules for a happy, healthy life.
?f course, no one tells you how much you'll want to gi&e in. Qust remember' say RyesR when you can
and RnoR when you should. (hile it's no fun now, you're molding your little one into a well"beha&ed child
who will find it easier to na&igate the real world when he's older.
#f you sometimes feel like a fish out of water when it comes to discipline, 2oin the club. )o parent is born with
the skills to always know the right thing to do or say in the face of misbeha&ior. The trick is to ignore all the
ad&ice about discipline and what you should and shouldn't be doing and instead focus on how to parent your
child as an indi&idual.
arenting /olutions' /elfish and /poiled
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By 5ichele Borba, Ed.!.
Qohn (iley W /ons, #nc.
Kpdated on !ec ;8, :C8C
The roblem
Red Fla!s
Can't take noL wants things A/AL feels entitled to recei&e special pri&ilegesL always wants to be
entertainedL is unappreciati&e, ne&er satisfied, selfish, greedy
The (han!e to #arent For
*our child learns to consider other people's needs and feelings and recogni1e that who you are is more
important than what you own.
7uestion5 R# focused so much attention on my son that he sees the world as one big catering ser&ice 2ust for
him. (hat can # do so he's less selfish and thinks of someone besides himself9 4elp7R
Answer5 The way to bring selfish kids Rback to the ci&ili1ed worldR is to stop indulging their e&ery whim and
to show them how to consider other people's needs and feelings. #t will take patience, energy, and fortitude,
but research shows it's actually what makes kids happier and more fulfilled.
$hy (han!e8
!o you ha&e a little princess or prince in your house who feels entitled to lu0ury and pri&ilege9 !oes she
think only of herself9 !oes he e0pect the world to re&ol&e around him9 #f so, you're not alone. #n fact,
national sur&eys show that two"thirds of parents say their kids measure their self"worth by possessions and
are spoiled.
GG
Eighty percent of respondents in a recent A?DSTime (arner poll said kids in America are more
spoiled than kids of ten or fifteen years ago, and two"thirds of parents admit their kids are spoiled.
GH
?ne
thing is for sure' selfish kids are no 2oy to ha&e around. These critters always want things their way,
put theirneeds and concerns ahead of other people's, and rarely stop to consider others' feelings. And that's
because they want you to belie&e that their feelings are actually more important than the feelings and needs
of others.
The truth is, kids don't arri&e in this world selfish. 6esearch shows that our children are born with the
mar&elous gift to care and be concerned about others. But unless we nurture those &irtues, they will lie
dormant. 6esearch also pro&es that you're not doing your kid any fa&ors if you allow that selfish streak to
continue. /elfish, spoiled kids are found to be less happy and satisfied about life, to ha&e more troubles with
relationships, and to ha&e difficulty handling ad&ersity.
GA
They are also less popular and more likely to be
depressed and an0ious.
HC
And they argue more with their parents. (ithout inter&ention, spoiled kids
are more likely to become less happy adults. /o let's roll up our slee&es to s,uelch this bad attitude and
pronto.
*ate:"rea)in! News
-se Discipline That .ensitizes &ids to ?thers' Feelin!s
Kni&ersity of 5ichigan' 5artin 4offman, a world"renowned authority on empathy, aimed one of his most
influential studies on selfless kids.
H8
4e wanted to determine the type of discipline their parents most
fre,uently used with their children, and the finding was clear. The most common discipline techni,ue parents
of highly considerate children use is reasoning with them about their uncaring, selfish beha&ior. Their
reasoning lessons helped sensiti1e their children to the feelings of others and reali1e how their actions may
affect others. #t's an important parenting point to keep in mind in those moments when we confront our own
kids for any uncaring, selfish deed.
#ay Attention to This@
There are two legitimate reasons kids may appear to be selfish or spoiled but are not.
evelopmental lags. *oung children are self"centered because they are egocentric. They will ha&e trouble
waiting and do want their needs met A/A. As they mature, they will be able to think of others. Also, any
child diagnosed with attention or impulsi&ity deficits will ha&e difficulty Rwaiting.R !olution" tailor your
expectations to your child#s capa$ilities.
%motional lags. Children who suffer trauma, who are depressed or o&erly stressed, or who ha&e low self"
esteem will appear selfish. Their emotional pain hinders them from reaching out to others. Children with
Asperger's, attachment disorders, and dyssemia Ea term coined by psychologists 5arshall !uke and
/tephen )owicki to describe difficulties with non&erbal communication
H:
F will also ha&e trouble reading
emotional cues and may seem inconsiderate.!olution" please see& professional help.
.i!ns and .ymptoms
Four words E'o, (imme, Me, 'owF best describe selfish and spoiled kids. That's because they all are about
putting their needs first and not considering others. /o think of your child's usual daily beha&iors, then read
the following descriptions. The presence of any one of these kinds of beha&iors can mean your child is
slipping into the RspoiledR category.
1. )'o*R The child can't take no for an answer. 4e e0pects to get his way and usually does.
2. )(imme*R The child is more into getting than recei&ing. 4e is usually unappreciati&e and a bit greedy.
3. )Me*R The child thinks more of himself than of others. 4e e0pects Eand recei&esF special fa&ors and
pri&ileges.
4. )'ow*R The child has the ability to wait, but won't. 4e wants his way A/A, and it's usually easier to
gi&e in than to delay his re,uest. 4e doesn't stop to consider that others may be incon&enienced as
well.
The /olution
.tep 9. 3arly 2ntervention
+dentify the reason *our first step to changing your child's selfish and spoiled ways is to figure out
why your kid has this attitude. ?nce you figure out where his selfish ways are coming from, you'll be in a
better place to turn them around. 4ere are a few of the most common reasons. Check those that may
apply to your child or situation'
*ou are spoiling your child out of guilt. E*ou feel that you are not patient, that you need to
make amends for your past mistakes, or that you don't spend enough time with him.F
*ou want your child to ha&e a RbetterR childhood than your own.
*ou are li&ing in a Rcompetiti&eR community where what you ha&e matters.
*ou'&e always treated him as if the world re&ol&ed around him.
*ou or another adult member of your family is modeling selfishness.
*our kid is 2ealous of your partner or a sibling, or is cra&ing your lo&e and appro&al.
*our child has ne&er been taught the &alue of selflessness.
*our child has poor emotional intelligence and has difficulty identifying or understanding
other people's emotions.
*our child has had a past Eor presentF trauma, illness, pree0isting condition, learning
disability, or something else that caused pain in his life, and you feel you need to make it up to him
with Rstuff.R
*our child is angry, an0ious, or depressed or ha&ing some other problem that makes it
difficult for him to think of others.
*ou don't treat discipline and setting limits as a high priority in your parenting, and your child
has learned that he is going to get his way if he keeps at you long enough.
*ou Eor other family membersF ha&e the money, so your thinking is R(hy not raise our child
with pri&ilege9R
?nce you figure out what is causing your child's selfish, spoiled ways, create one simple solution you
can implement to pre&ent it from escalating further.
,se the right parenting formula. 6esearch shows that the best formula for raising less selfish, more
considerate kids has two e,ual parts' unconditional lo&e and firm limits. #s your parenting e&enly
balanced between the two parts9 ?r are you pro&iding too much nurturance and not enough structure9
#f your present parenting formula isn't balanced, then realign your response so you are more likely to get
the right results.
Model selflessness. The simplest and most powerful way kids learn kindness, consideration, and
thoughtfulness is by seeing it in action. 5ake sure you are the model you want your child to copy. And
when you do those simple, selfless actsOsuch as watching your friend's child, phoning a friend who is
down, picking up trash, gi&ing directions, asking someone how she is, baking cookies for your familyO
make sure you con&ey to your child how much pleasure you get from gi&ing to others. By seeing
consideration in your daily words and deeds and hearing you emphasi1e how being kind and caring
makes you feel good, your child will be much more likely to follow your e0ample. The old saying about
children learning what they li&e has a lot of truth to it.
'urture empathy. 3ids who are empathic can understand where other people are coming from
because they can put themsel&es in others' shoes and feel how they feel. And because they can Rfeel
withR someone else, they are more unselfish. /o nurture your child's empathy to help him see beyond
himself and into the &iews of others. *ou might help him imagine how the other person feels about a
special situation. R+magine you#re a new student and you#re wal&ing into a $rand-new school and don#t
&now anyone. How would you feel/R Ask such ,uestions often, because they help kids understand the
feelings and needs of other people.
0oost character. /elfish kids see what they ha&e as more important than who they are. /o watch out
for comparisons ER!id you see what /ally is wearing9RF and comments about appearance ER# lo&e Qen's
new haircutOyou should get your hair cut 2ust like hersRF. Emphasi1e in your child the things you can#t
see or $uy' perse&erance, compassion, honesty, respect, responsibility. And do stress why you &alue
them. *our child will be more likely to adopt those &alues.
on#t let your &id always $e the center of attention. 6ecei&ing constant praise and rewards can make
your kid think life re&ol&es around him, and increases self"centeredness. raise only when your child
earns and deser&es the praise. Also teach your child to deal with boredom and en2oy his own company
so that he doesn't feel the need to be entertained at all times.
1atch those 23 commercials. Admit it7 (e're all susceptible to being seduced by ad&ertising, and so
are our kids. )eed proof9 /ince the 8AGCs, the a&erage number of commercials a kid sees in a year has
doubled, and marketers now spend more than N; billion annually on ad&ertising directed at kids.
H;
And
kids are not only spending more but also becoming more consumption dri&en and spoiled. A study by
enn /tate concluded that today's kids are also launching their big"time shopping careers at much
younger ages.
H<
?ne reason is that they are seeing those T> commercials, which fuel their spending
desires. The second reason' we're gi&ing into their whims. Although the recession is causing a downturn
in kids' spending, it hasn't seemed to ha&e made a dent in curbing their selfish notions. There are two
simple solutions' limit tele&ision &iewing and 2ust say no.
.tep C. Rapid Response
*our second step to deprogramming a spoiled kid is to change your current response so that your parenting
is aligned with pro&en practices that raise less selfish and more considerate kids.
ecide to change your ways. Turning around your kid's spoiled habits isn't going to be easy or pretty.
E0pect big"time resistance from your child, and so be it. 3eep a mantra going inside your head' R#'m
doing what is best for my child.R *ou must be consistent and determined. *ou will pre&ail. Be strong7
2a&e $ac& control and set limits. 4ow many times do you ha&e to say no to your child before he
understands you reallymean it9 /elfish, spoiled kids ha&e learned to get what they desire. And the more
often they do, the less likely they will think about others. !ecide what issues and things you will not4
under any circumstancesOgi&e in to Esuch as spending e0tra money on a particular &ideo game, seeing
a @"8; or 6"rated mo&ie, staying out late on a weeknightF. #f you think through your priorities, you'll be
more likely not to back down or let your kid wear you down. And if you need a little reinforcement, do
know that hundreds of child de&elopment studies conclude that parents who set clear beha&ior
e0pectations and stick to them turn out less selfish kids. E./. 6esearch shows that the a&erage kid
nags nine times to get parents to gi&e in to his whims.
H=
3eep saying no until your kid learns you won#t
give in*F
Censor selfishness. #f you really are serious about changing your child's selfish ways, you must
stand firm and be consistent. /tart by clearly laying down your new e0pectations' R+n this house you are
always to $e considerate of others.R Then clearly state your disappro&al each and e&ery time your child
acts selfishly. #t won't be easy, especially if your kid is accustomed to ha&ing his e&ery whim catered to.
But a ma2or step in s,uelching your child's selfishness is simply not to tolerate it.
Maintain your rights. *ou should be allowed to talk on the phone without being interrupted. *ou
should be able to sleep in your bed without another warm body less than three feet tall curled up beside
you. *ou should be able to say no to your kid without feeling guilty. *ou are the parent. !on't feel as if
you always ha&e to put your kid up on that pedestal and sho&e your own needs aside. #f you do, you're
liable to end up with a spoiled child who feels entitled to get his way.
Call out selfish deeds. (hene&er your child does anything e&en remotely inconsiderate, always
e0press your ob2ections to the self"centered beha&ior. Allowing the selfish action sends a message that
you tolerate it. /o call it for what it is' RThat was selfishR Eor inconsiderate or unkindF. Then help your
child consider the needs of the other person. RHow would you feel if that happened to you/) )How do
you thin& your friend felt/) )1hat can you do next time so you consider your friend#s feelings/R That
simple reasoning process helps kid become less selfish and more sensiti1ed to the feelings of others.
(et other caregivers on $oard. *ou'll be more successful at changing your child's spoiled ways if you
get at least one other person who cares about your kid to support your deprogramming plan. *ou may
ha&e to ha&e a serious talk with other caregi&ers in your kid's life Esuch as grandparentsF who are guilty
of o&erindulging or always making this kid the center of attention. Det those folks know in no uncertain
terms that you are serious about curbing your kid's selfish attitude and need their cooperation to do so.
.tep D. Develop 'a/its for (han!e
The third step to deprogramming selfish, spoiled kids is to stretch them away from assuming the world
re&ol&es around them, so that they start thinking about others. 4ere are simple, pro&en ways'
5ocus on others. /elfish kids put themsel&es first. /o gently start helping your kid step to the side
and think of others. R'o, let Ro$ have a turn. He#s $een waiting 6ust as long as you.) )+ &now you wanted
to use the 1ii, $ut let#s thin& of your $rother also.R Also help your child recogni1e the strengths of others.
R7ira is a good artist. 8et#s as& her to help draw the poster.R
2each your child to wait. /elfish kids want their way )"?"(. They rarely stop to consider whether
you or anyone else is being incon&enienced. *ou need to stretch your child's waiting ,uotient so that he
doesn't put his own needs in front of others'. #f you're on the phone, put up your finger and signal that
you'll talk to him in a certain number of minutes. #f you're at the mall, tell him you won't stop what you're
doing to go to the bank for more cash. 4e'll ha&e to make the purchase when he remembers to bring his
allowance. #f he wants to get on the computer, don't let him push his sister's time aside to suit his own
con&enience. #t will take patience and fortitude on your part, but a less selfish attitude will be the
outcome.
Reinforce selfless acts. ?ne of the fastest ways to increase selflessness is by RcatchingR your kid
doing considerate and unselfish acts. /o look for selfless beha&iors in your child and acknowledge
them. !escribe the deed so that he clearly understands the &irtue and point out the impact it had on the
recipient. !oing so will also help your child be more likely to repeat the same act another time. Rid you
see 7elly#s smile when you shared your toys/ 9ou made her happy.) )2han&s for giving your Cs to
your $rother. + &now you don#t listen to rap anymore, $ut he 6ust loves it.R
Require giving $ac&. !r. Er&in /taub, a world"renowned researcher at the Kni&ersity of
5assachusetts, has e0tensi&ely studied the de&elopment of selfless, considerate kids.
HJ
4is studies
found that children who are gi&en the opportunity to help others tend to become more helpful Eand less
selfishF in their e&eryday li&es. 6e,uire your child to do for others on a regular basis, e&ery day' do his
choresL gi&e part of his weekly allowance to charityL bring cookies to the shut"in neighborL take the dog
for a walkL call @randma e&ery /unday to see how she's doing. Qust plain e0pect that he think of
someone besides himself and contribute to your family. #f you don't e0pect him to gi&e to others, he will
feel entitled.
Help &ids reali:e the impact of giving. 6esearch also finds that it is important not only for kids to help
others but also to understand the effect of their kindhearted action on the people they helped.
HG
osing
the right ,uestions to a child after he performs any selfless, considerate act helps a child recogni1e the
impact his beha&ior can ha&e on others as well as on himself. /o use gi&ing actions to stretch your child
from RmeR to RweR by posing such ,uestions as these'
R(hat did the person do when you were considerate9R
R4ow do you think she felt9R
R4ow would you feel if you were the person9R
R4ow did you feel when you were being kind to her9R
R4ow did you feel when you saw her reaction to your gesture9R
E&en better, decide to gi&e back as a family. Find a cause you support and then bring your kids along to
e0perience the miracle of gi&ing. #t could be taking e0tra toys to a children's ward in a hospital, helping
at an animal shelter, reading to the elderly. There is no better way to stretch your child than ha&ing him
e0perience the 2oy of gi&ing.
(hat To E0pect By /tages And Ages
Preschooler 3ids this age will be a bit self"centered and egocentric. They need reminders to wait their
turn, share their toys, and think about others. *our goal is to stretch them to consider others' needs and
feelings.
School Age Competiti&eness gears up, which can make kids more one sided in their thinking and
inconsiderate of their class" or teammates' feelings. Kse competitions and team acti&ities as opportunities to
help your child be less selfish. (atch for a materialistic need always to be Rone upR on another friend.
Tween /elf"centeredness and the need to Rfit inR peaks during these ages. (atch out for put"downs,
&icious gossip, and &erbal bullying Eespecially among girlsF, which are usually rampant with tweens. Call
your kid on any callous actions so that she considers the other girls' feelings.
?ne #arent's Answer
A mom from Toronto shares'
5y husband and # always &olunteered in our community, but my son was always too busy. #t was when # saw
a selfish side of him that # decided to drop his &iolin lessons so he could work with me at the homeless
shelter each week. 4e hated it at first, but # insisted that he had to start gi&ing back. (hen he began playing
games with the kids, within weeks his selfishness was goneOall because he was re,uired to think of
somebody besides himself.
?ne .imple .olution
#lay the A.tep into y .hoesA >ame
6esearch pro&es that a great way to stretch your child from always thinking Rme"me"meR is to ha&e him
actually stand in another person's shoes. *ou can start with your own shoes or that of an older or younger
sibling. *our child literally acts out the situation from the other perspecti&e. RHow do + feel/ 1hat would +
say/ 1hat would + want to have happen instead of what did/R The trick is to help your kid switch roles so
that he starts thinking about others instead of always himself.
?ne .imple .olution
Det's face it, deprogramming a selfish, spoiled kid is tough work, but it needs to be done. #f you find your
resol&e waning a bit, answer this simple ,uestion' RHow would you or others honestly descri$e your child#s
typical $ehavior/R #f most terms are derogatory Esuch as rude, demanding, self"centered, obno0ious,
impulsi&e, bossy, materialistic, selfish, only thinks of himselfF, reenergi1e your commitment to change your
kid's current ways.
erspecti&es on !iscipline' !oes /panking 6eally
4a&e a 6ole9
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By 6obert Brooks, h.!.
!r. 6obert Brooks
Kpdated on 5ar 8J, :CCA
5any of the ,uestions # recei&e in my parenting workshops, in my clinical practice, and in e"mails concern
the topic of discipline. The importance of this topic is reflected in the large number of books and maga1ine
articles ad&ising parents of the most effecti&e ways to discipline their children. #n reaction to displays of
aggression in society, law enforcement officials as well as politicians will fre,uently pro&ide their own
opinions on disciplinary approaches.
)ot surprisingly, the suggestions offered by child de&elopment specialists about discipline represent a wide
spectrum of &iews, many of which seem to contradict each other. As a parent noted in one of my workshops,
RThe more # read, the more confused # become about discipline.R # can understand why. # recently read two
articles by child specialists, one of whom ad&ocated parents using timeout, while another ,uestioned the
efficacy of that practice.
There are many different aspects about discipline that # ha&e been discussing for years. #nterestingly, in the
last few months # ha&e noticed an increase in the number of ,uestions pertaining to corporal punishment or
spanking. ?ne father said that he read that Rif kids don+t listen, a spanking can ser&e a useful function.R This
father added, RThe article said that spanking was okay as long as the parent did not lose control and hurt the
child.R But then he wondered, R!o young kids know when parents ha&e lost control when they are
spanking9R A mother in the group noted that she had read that spanking should ne&er be used. #t is little
wonder that parents get confused.
/o with trepidation as one more child de&elopment e0pert, # am ready to offer some obser&ations and ad&ice
about discipline. ?b&iously, while a number of readers may disagree with my &iews, it is my hope that what #
ha&e to say will generate reflection and discussion about this important topic. # would like to share in this and
my ne0t couple of newsletters my thoughts about discipline, including what are its main goals in raising and
teaching children and how best to reach these goals. @i&en the ob&ious interest in the ,uestion of spanking,
# will de&ote this column to e0amining this particular disciplinary practice. Future columns will address what #
consider to be more effecti&e forms of discipline. A few preliminary thoughts about discipline are in order.
First, a reminder about the meaning of discipline. (e must not forget that the word discipline stems from the
word disciple and is best concei&ed of as a teaching process. As a form of education, discipline should not
be linked to so"called teaching practices that ser&e to humiliate, scare, or embarrass children.
/econd, at my workshops for parents, teachers, and other caregi&ers, # pose the ,uestion, R(hat are the
main functions of discipline9R or worded somewhat differently, R#f discipline is an educational process, what
is it that we are attempting to teach9R The initial answer # typically recei&e is that discipline ser&es to ensure
a safe and secure en&ironment in which children not only learn the importance of rules, limits, and
conse,uences but they also appreciate the reasons that rules and limits e0ist. This is certainly a &ery
important goal of discipline.
(hat # consider to be another ma2or function of discipline is to reinforce the de&elopment of self"discipline or
self"control. !aniel @oleman, author of REmotional #ntelligence,R &iews self"discipline as one of the crucial
components of emotional intelligence, a component that ser&es as a source of satisfying interpersonal
relationships and success in &arious facets of one+s life. /elf"discipline implies that a child has incorporated
rules so that e&en when a parent or other adult is not present, the child will act in a thoughtful, considerate
fashion. /elf"discipline may be &iewed as learning to take responsibility for one+s own beha&ior. 5ost of us
do not want to be with other adults who lack self"discipline and are constantly yelling, shouting, saying
hurtful things, 2umping to conclusions, or blaming others.
These ma2or functions of discipline challenge us to implement disciplinary practices that nurture self"control
rather than eliciting feelings of anger and resentment in children. Det+s e0amine spanking from this
perspecti&e. # am especially influenced by the ideas and writings of a friend, )ancy /amalin, a renowned
parent educator who is one of the foremost e0perts on the sub2ect of discipline and the author of the book,
RDo&ing *our Child #s )ot Enough.R #n the February, :CC8 issue of /esame /treet arents 5aga1ine, )ancy,
together with editor /usan Dapinski, wrote a &ery thoughtful and thought"pro&oking article titled, RThe
/panking 6eport.R
They note, RThe child who gets an occasional swat across the bottom when the parents regretfully lose
control is not the child most professionals worry about. #t+s when spanking becomes a habit that a childBand
his familyBmay be at risk. And spanking is a habit for a ma2ority of American families, according to the results
of a study of ;,CCC adults last summer by pollster !aniel *ankelo&ich. The study re&ealed that J8 percent of
the adults who responded condone spanking as a regular form of punishment.R
)ancy and /usan ,uote 5urray /traus, h.!., founder and co"director of the Family 6esearch Dab at the
Kni&ersity of )ew 4ampshire in !urham and the author of a book about spanking, RBeating the !e&il ?ut of
Them.R !r. /traus obser&es, R#n the last three years, we+&e had a re&olution in our state of knowledge about
spanking and &iolence. /panking increases the probability of kids hitting other kids. #t often leads to
antisocial beha&ior like cheating and getting into trouble at school. (hen they are teenagers, these children
are more likely to hit their parents. (hen they grow up, kids who ha&e been spanked are more likely to hit
their partners than kids who ha&en+t.R
/imilarly, in the 8AHC+s psychologists 5alcolm (atson and *ing eng at Brandeis Kni&ersity found that
children who displayed the most aggressi&e beha&ior toward other children were those who were spanked
most often by their parents. The more spanking youngsters recei&ed at home, the more likely they were to
hit their peers. Thus, it appears that not only is spanking an ineffecti&e disciplinary practice but it actually
may increase the &ery beha&iors that parents wish their children to stop.
/ome may argue that spanking did not increase aggressi&e beha&ior in the children obser&ed in these
studies but that they were more likely to be spanked because they were already &ery aggressi&e. Certainly,
as # discussed in my newsletters last year about children with so"called RdifficultR temperaments Eplease see
the April, 5ay, and Qune, :CCC newslettersF, some children from birth may be more predisposed to becoming
more frustrated and angry than their peers. These children ,uickly e0press their frustrations through
aggressi&e beha&ior and are more likely to Rin&iteR spanking as a way of curbing their misbeha&ior.
# would argue that while the style of some youngsters does elicit more anger in parents, to respond by
spanking ser&es to reinforce the message that the way we handle frustration is through physical force.
5any, if not all, of us ha&e witnessed a parent slapping a child and saying, R# told you that you shouldn+t hit
your brotherSsister7 This is what you get when you do so.R (hat a mi0ed message of what is appropriate
beha&ior7
Before # continue, # would not want parents who ha&e e&er spanked their child to feel that # am critici1ing
them or begin to e0perience a twinge of guilt Eor perhaps more than a twingeF. # should note that many lo&ing
parents ha&e at some point spanked their child e&en if it in&ol&ed only one ,uick slap. !oing so doesn+t
mean we are terrible parents but rather should prompt us to find better ways to teach our children than
through spankings. # can count on one hand the number of times # hit my sons on their rear end and ,uite
honestly, # think that the only thing it accomplished in the short term was for me to release some frustrationL
howe&er, afterwards # felt e&en worse. # should emphasi1e that # ,uickly reali1ed that spanking accomplished
nothing positi&e in the short or long term and was soon abandoned as a disciplinary tactic.
?b&iously if the basic climate in a home is positi&e, if children feel lo&ed and accepted, one spanking is not
going to do irreparable harm. 4owe&er, # belie&e that when parents find themsel&es spanking a child, they
must ask what are the other ways they can teach children right from wrong and hold children accountable for
their actions. # am not ad&ocating that there should not be conse,uences for children+s beha&ior, but rather
that spanking should not be one of these conse,uences. arents must remember that if their main form of
discipline is corporal punishment then any e0isting positi&e climate at home may soon be replaced by a
tense, angry atmosphere that leads to an erosion of the parent"child relationship.
#n my clinical practice and workshops # ha&e asked parents what prompted them to spank their child. A
number of well"meaning parents ha&e said that they 2ust didn+t know what else to do. ?ne parent said, R#f
people would ha&e told me before # had children that # would resort to hitting my child, # would ha&e looked
at them in disbelief. But sometimes # get so angry and nothing else seems to work. (hen # hit him, he stops
his beha&ior. Also, #+m not out of control when # do it.R
Thus, some parents may spank out of frustration, feeling they ha&e e0hausted all other disciplinary
techni,ues. 4owe&er, others use spanking as their first Rline of attackR belie&ing it is the most effecti&e and
,uickest way to teach children right from wrong. E&en those who resort to spanking only after they feel that
all other conse,uences ha&e failed ha&e said, R# hated to spank my child but when # did it worked.R
But does it work, especially if spanking is used repeatedly9 # belie&e that the use of spanking has a
seducti&e ,uality in that it seems to work by producing the desired resultsL for e0ample, the child either stops
a beha&ior that the parent wants to see stopped Ethrowing a ball in the li&ing roomF or prompts the child to do
something the parent has re,uested o&er and o&er Eputting away toysF. 4owe&er, in my e0perience these
immediate results are often short"li&ed or counterproducti&e. Children may stop the beha&ior in ,uestion but
at the cost of de&eloping a great deal of anger and resentment. /ome children may feel intimidated and
RcomplyR with their parents+ demands at home but as the research shows they may take out their anger
towards others outside the home. Also, when these children become as big as their parents they may direct
their anger directly and intensely at their parents.
The argument that it is okay to spank since Rmy child knows # ha&e not lost controlR must also be challenged.
(hile parents may feel in control, # ha&e spoken with many youngsters in my clinical practice who do not
percei&e it that way. /ome ha&e told me that they worry that their parents may hurt themL many parents
were surprised to hear this.
(hen # mentioned this worry at one of my workshops, a father asked, R#s there anything wrong if a child is
scared he will get hit if it leads him to beha&e and to do what he is told9R # belie&e there are problems. #f a
child+s compliance comes at the e0pense of a more comfortable parent"child relationship, one must ,uestion
the disciplinary approach. 6elatedly, # ha&e been impressed o&er the years by the number of youngsters
who are so upset and angry about being hit that they often lose sight of what prompted the parents to hit
them. #nstead of de&eloping self"discipline, which is one of the main goals of disciplining children, they
de&eloped what # call a Rreser&oir of anger or self"hatred.R
?ne of the most important roles we ha&e as parents, teachers, and other caregi&ers is that of a
disciplinarian. #f we keep in mind that discipline is a teaching process that should be free of intimidation or
humiliation and if we recogni1e the importance of raising children who understand why there are rules, limits,
and conse,uences, who de&elop self"discipline or self"control, and who accept responsibility for their
beha&ior, then the use of spanking will take a back seat or disappear as a disciplinary techni,ue.
Before ending # want to discuss briefly what one child described as Rspanking with words.R This child was
referring to harsh comments made by his parents that were 2ust as hurtful as being spanked. The comments
included, R(hat a stupid thing to do7R R!o you e&er use your brains9R RAre you that dumb9R As # ha&e
discussed in the past, empathy should guide our interactions with our children including our disciplinary
practices. (e should ask, R(ould we want anyone to say and do things to us what we are saying and doing
to our children9 #f someone treated us the way we are treating our children would we truly learn from them
or would we resent them9R (e should consider these ,uestions as we discipline our children.
arenting /tyles
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By !. /. (ittmer Y/. 4. etersen
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
E&en with considerable appreciation for the importance that nurturing, in&ol&ed mothers and fathers ha&e in
the li&es of children, it is important to recogni1e that mere presence does not assure positi&e contribution.
The parent+s emotional a&ailability, mental health, and reasonableness all affect what it feels like for the child
to be with the parent. E&en the good effects of ha&ing an in&ol&ed, nurturing father disappear if the father is
a highly restricti&e, authoritarian disciplinarian E6adin, 8AH:F.
The term parenting styles describes the normal &ariation in patterns of how parents try to control their
children EBaumrind, 8AA8F. arenting style includes both parent responsi&eness and parent demands
E5accoby W 5artin, 8AH;F. Four parenting styles are commonly identified in the literature' indulgent Eor
permissi&eF, authoritarian, authoritati&e, and unin&ol&ed.
2ndul!ent Eor permissiveF parents are highly responsi&e but seldom demand mature beha&ior from their
child, depending instead on the child+s self"regulation.
Authoritarian parents are demanding, but not responsi&e. They demand obedience to e0tensi&e sets of
rules.
Authoritative parents are demanding and responsi&e. They hold high standards for their children but are
supporti&e in their discipline.
-ninvolved parents are neither responsi&e nor demanding, but not to the point of being neglectful.
EBaumrind, 8AA8F
#n (estern cultures, parenting styles are related to child outcomes, especially in adolescence. Children of
indulgent parents ha&e higher self"esteem but are more likely to ha&e problems in school and in their
beha&ior. Children from highly authoritarian families do well in school but tend toward poor self"esteem,
depression, and poor social skills. Children whose parents are authoritati&e are rated more socially and
intellectually competent than those of other parents. Children of unin&ol&ed parents do most poorly in all
areas E!arling, 8AAAF. 4owe&er, parenting style is also related to culture. #n America, with a predominant
emphasis on indi&idualism and freedom, authoritarian parents seem restricti&e and constraining. 4owe&er,
children of Chinese families with highly authoritarian styles de&elop &ery well, possibly reflecting the cultural
attitude toward authority as ser&ing the harmony of the group EChao, 8AA<F, and because strict and
e0tensi&e rules are usually paired with great warmth and closeness E5arcus W 3itayama, 8AA8F.
#mplications for teachers.
#nfant"toddler teachers may find it helpful to share this information on parenting styles with the families they
ser&e. 4owe&er, this may also be useful information for self"reflection' As an infant"toddler teacher, you ha&e
a relationship with your children that is &ery similar to that of a parent. 6eflection on whether your style of
relating to the children is permissi&e, authoritarian, authoritati&e, or unin&ol&ed could be &ery enlightening.
The Art of Apology
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>ery poor
oor
@ood
>ery good
E0cellent
based on : ratings
By Amanda 5orin
Kpdated on 5ay 8J, :CCH
RBut # didn't mean to do itR or Rshe did it first.R 4ow many times ha&e you heard your child say these words9
robably too many times to count. *ou'&e probably e&en followed up with your own insistent words' R/ay
you're sorry7R (hen children do something hurtful our parental instinct is to make them apologi1e to the
in2ured party. 4owe&er, it isn't saying R#'m sorryR that children need to learn so much as it is feeling sorry.
Clinical psychologist Daurie .elinger thinks that asking preschoolers to apologi1e may satisfy a parent's
need to feel as though they'&e taken appropriate disciplinary action. 4owe&er, she thinks that it's not
reasonable to e0pect a young child to understand how another person is feeling. R5any parents make the
mistake of asking, '4ow do you think so"and"so feels when you hit him9' with the e0pectation of an apology
to follow,R she says. RThe problem with this is that <"year"olds are egocentric and cannot en&ision what
another person feels.R
)ot e&eryone agrees with her &iew. Aaron Cooper, h!, clinical psychologist and author of R# Qust (ant 5y
3ids To Be 4appy' (hy *ou /houldn+t /ay #t, (hy *ou /houldn+t Think #t, (hat *ou /hould Embrace
#nstead,R feels that learning to apologi1e is a crucial step in gaining the skill of perspecti&e"taking. ?r, in
more familiar words, standing in the other person's shoes. Rerspecti&e"taking,R e0plains !r. Cooper,
Rpromotes empathy, the all"important inhibitor of human cruelty. #t's empathy that makes an apology sincere
and heartfelt.R
Cooper agrees with .elinger that a rote apology isn't worth much. R(ho hasn't been doubly in2ured by an
apology that felt forced or meager9R he points out. But he does belie&e that parents need to model an
apology in their children's presence to help emphasi1e the need to make things right. #t's important to note,
though, that apologi1ing for your child's actions is not the same as making your child's apology for him.
#nstead, it's a way to teach the components of a sincere apology and to show him that sometimes you need
to make amends for hurting people's feelings or property.
#n fact, Cooper suggests that parents use incidents as a way to practice perspecti&e"taking. 4e suggests
ha&ing a dialogue about what happened after e&eryone has calmed down and offers some ,uestions to help
your child think about what happened. ?nce you'&e talked through all the possible answers, it's easier for
your child to put together a sincere and empathetic apology. Ask her'
4ow do you think that girlSboy felt when sShe heard what you said9
Can you remember when somebody hurt your feelings9 4ow did you feel9
(hat can we say to someone when we disco&er that we'&e hurt his feelings9
Can you remember a time # apologi1ed to you9 !id that help you feel better about what happened9
An easy way to help your child craft a heartfelt apology is to make sure she's considered the < As. Though
it's not always necessary for a child to make concrete amends, such as replacing a broken toy, it is important
for her to ac&nowledge what she has said or done, acceptresponsibility for her actions and pro&ide
an alternative response for the ne0t time. For e0ample, if the incident in&ol&ed a broken toy, she could say
something like, R#'m sorry # broke your toy because # was mad at you. # shouldn't ha&e done it and ne0t time
#'ll tell you #'m angry instead.R
/o, the ne0t time your child does something wrong, bite back the urge to insist he say R#'m sorry.R Teaching
him the art of apology will help him in the long run. Rarents who rear empathic children""kids who can
imagine how the world might feel standing in another person's shoes""e,uip those kids with a skill that
contributes to success in marriage, in friendship, in workplace and family ties,R says Cooper. (hat else
could you ask for9
arenting /olutions' erfectionist
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By 5ichele Borba, Ed.!.
Qohn (iley W /ons, #nc.
Kpdated on !ec ;8, :C8C
The roblem
Red Fla!s
)e&er seems to feel Rgood enoughR about his work, appearance, or performanceL can't stand accepting
second placeL is intensely competiti&e to the point of its being unhealthyL self"esteem tied to grades, scores,
and achie&ement
The (han!e to #arent For
*our child learns to cope with ad&ersity, is less afraid to try new endea&ors, and de&elops a healthier &iew of
achie&ement.
7uestion5 R5y ten"year"old is second in her class, and it makes her nuts. /he stayed up until one in the
morning last night memori1ing state capitals. # worry that if she keeps up this pace she'll ha&e a ner&ous
breakdown. (hat should # do9R
Answer5 First applaud her effort for trying to do her best. But set a limit on how late she can work. E0plain
that nothing horrid will happen if she isn't always the best at e&erything. 5ost important, tell her again that
you lo&e her for who she is.
$hy (han!e8
?f course we want our children to reach their potential and to e0cel. But often a child feels so much pressure
that she becomes obsessed to an unhealthy degree with doing e&erything perfectly, lea&ing her feeling
an0ious, frustrated, and worried most of the time. R(ill it be enough9R R(hat will others think9R And because
these kids are ne&er satisfied and always pushing themsel&es, frustration and heightened stress put them at
serious risk for an0iety, depression, eating disorders, migraines, and e&en suicide. erfectionists are more at
risk for emotional, physical, and relational problems.
;8
This isn't 2ust a big"kid problem. E&en preschoolers
are beginning to e0hibit perfectionist beha&ior.
*ate:"rea)in! News
,niversity of 0ritish Colum$ia" rofessor aul 4ewitt found that although all perfectionists hold unrealistically
high standards for themsel&es and others, they differ in how they show their perfectionism.
;<
4ere are the
three kinds of perfectionists'
1. 2he self-promoter. Always attempts to impress others by bragging or showing off her perfection.
This one is easy to spot because a self"promoter can annoy others and be a real turnoff.
2. 2he shunner. This child fears failing Eand being less than perfectF, so she a&oids situations or
e&ents in which she may be less than perfect. E/he doesn't feel she could be the star soccer
player, so she a&oids the sportL she worries she could ne&er be as perfect a &iolin player as her
friend, so she takes up cello.F This is common with younger children.
3. 2he quiet sufferer. This child keeps her problems to herself. /he can't admit failure to others.
/he would ne&er ask for help because it means she may not be good enough.
?ne .imple .olution
?f course always taking the ,uest for perfection to an e0treme can take a toll on a child's emotional health
as well as disrupt her life. /o pay closer attention and seek the help of a mental health professional if you
notice any of these reoccurring and debilitating beha&iors'
3atin! disorder5 The child's concern about ha&ing the RperfectR body leads to an unhealthy preoccupation
with food and eating, including self"induced star&ation Eanore0ia ner&osaF, obsessi&e"compulsi&e eating,
bulimia, and restricti&e eating.
;:
Depression5 The child's concern about achie&ing and being perfect are so e0treme that she has difficulty
eating, sleeping, and concentrating, and may begin to withdrawL the child appears apathetic, is e0cessi&ely
irritable and sad, and may ha&e suicidal thoughts.
;;
.i!ns and .ymptoms
4ere are a few common signs of children who are perfectionists'
+s intensely competitive" is always comparing herself to othersL can't stand coming in second place
or doing worse than othersL wants to be the best, and anything less is not good enough
!uffers physical stress ailments" e0periences migraines or headaches, stomachaches, trouble
sleeping, or other physical ailments before, after, or during a performance
+s unwilling to ris&" is too cautious about trying something new that may be outside her area of
e0pertise and that may mean she won't e0cel
+s quic& to anger" has tantrums, is easily frustrated, becomes angry when she errs or falls short of
e0pectations
May put others down" is moti&ated by the effort to be her best and make the other person feel less
perfectOor inade,uate
May expect perfection from others" may put the same high standards on others
May avoid or procrastinate" worries that what she's done won't be good enough, or fears failureL
a&oids difficult or stressful tasksL lea&es work unfinished out of fear it won't be perfect
5ocuses on mista&es" concentrates on the mistake instead of the o&erall 2ob or how well she
performed
2a&es life too seriously" is way too hard on herselfL can't laugh at herself or her own mistakes
+s inflexi$le" approaches tasks with an Rall"or"nothingR attitudeL there is only one right way
+s afraid to as& for help" doesn't want to admit she doesn't understandL feels that asking for help will
be percei&ed by others as weakness or failure
The /olution
.tep 9. 3arly 2ntervention
5igure out the reason. The more you can get into your child's shoes and figure out what's fueling her
,uest for perfection, the better you can head off the problem before it becomes o&erwhelming. 4ere are
common reasons kids push themsel&es to be perfect. Check those that may apply to your child'
2emperament" has inborn tendency and temperament you'&e recogni1ed from your child's
toddler days
+nsecurity" lacks confidenceL has strong feelings of inade,uacy
5ear of humiliation" is afraid of being laughed at or made fun of by othersL is easily
embarrassed
Poor modeling" copies the perfectionist beha&iors of a sibling or parent
;veremphasis on performance" e0periences e0cessi&e demands for achie&ement from
teacher or parentL has unrealistic goals
5ear of losing approval or respect.
!tatus as a trophy child" achie&ements and talents always on display
Help her get a reality chec&. /how your child the ad&antages and disad&antages of being a
perfectionist. /pecify things your child can and cannot control. 6edefine success not as perfection but
as e0cellence.
8oo& within. Are you a perfectionist9 @o back o&er the list of perfectionist symptoms. 4ow many of
those apply to you9 Beware' research shows that moms who are perfectionists or who base their self"
esteem on their kids' achie&ement are more likely to ha&e perfectionist kids.
;=
(et real a$out her a$ilities. !on't try to turn your child into the R/uperkid erfect"in"E&erything.R
#nstead, be more practical about your child abilities and be honest with her. /tart assessing and refining
her natural strengthsOher singing ability, artistic flair, or creati&e nature. Then monitor, encourage, and
strengthen those traits and skills so that she doesn't try to push herself so hard in too many areas but
instead narrows her focus and has a more realistic assessment of her talents.
.tep C. Rapid Response
8ighten your child#s load. Check her schedule' #s there any time for 2ust downtime or play9 Are there
any acti&ities that can be eliminated or reduced9
2each her to $e her own )time&eeper.) #f she works hours on her writing but actually does a great 2ob
the first time through, set a time limit on how long she can work on a particular acti&ity.
Ma&e sure there#s time for fun. Encourage laughter and 2ust sitting outside e&ery once in a while and
watching the clouds drift by. Teach your child she can always go back and finish up an acti&ity, but gi&e
her permission to 2ust plain en2oy life.
2each stress $usters. /how your child a few simple rela0ation strategies, such as taking slow, deep
breathsL listening to soothing musicL walkingL or 2ust taking ten and lying on the couch, to help impro&e
her frame of mind and reduce a bit of that intensityOat least for a few minutes.
Halt the )parading.) # know you're proud, but stop putting your kid on center stage to always perform.
#t's all right on the soccer field or in a musical concert, but lower the curtains in your home. !o you
reinforce her professions of greatness by agreeing with her9 !o you encourage her by reminding her of
other talents she's o&erlooked9 Are you cheering her Rknow"it"allR attitude because you feel it is the sign
of high self"esteem9
Help your child handle disappointment. The inner dialogue of a perfectionist is self"defeating' R#'m
ne&er good enough.R R# knew #'d blow it.R /o help your child reframe her self"talk by teaching her to say
a more positi&e phrase that's less critical and 2udgmental and more based in reality, such as R)obody is
perfect.R RAll # can do is try my best.R R#'ll try again ne0t time.R RBelie&ing in myself will help me rela0.R
.tep D. Develop 'a/its for (han!e
,se children#s literature. There are wonderful children's books you can use as con&ersation starters
about the dangers of perfectionism, such as +#m Perfic&* by Bernard (aberLPersnic&ity, by /te&en
Cosgro&e, 1ill the Real (ertrude Hollings Please !tand ,p/ by /. @reenwalkL 0e a Perfect Person in
Just 2hree ays, by /tephen 5anesL reams and rummers, by !. B. /mithL 1hat to o 1hen (ood
+sn#t (ood %nough" 2he Real eal on Perfectionism" A (uide for 7ids, by Thomas /. @reenspon.
,se a family mantra. ?ne way to help your child reali1e that mistakes don't ha&e to be seen as
failures is to come up with a phrase to use as your family mantra. 4ere are a few fa&orites' RA mistake is
a chance to start again.R R(hether you think you can or think you can't, you're rightR E4enry FordF. R*ou'll
ne&er make it unless you try.R Then pick one phrase and say it again and again. *ou might e&en print
out a computer"made sign and hang it on your refrigerator.
2each ta&ing a reality chec&. erfectionistic kids imagine something horrid will happen if they hit the
wrong note, don't stick the gymnastics mo&e, don't make the standard they'&e set for themsel&es. *our
role is to challenge their &iews so that they don't think in such all"or"nothing, black"or"white terms. 4elp
them dispute their belief.
3id' R)obody who e&er got a B got into college.R *ou' R(hat about your cousin 3e&in, who e&en had a
few C's9R
3id' R#'ll lose cleanup spot in the batting order if # strike out.R *ou' R(hat about Babe 6uth9 The year he
hit the most home runs was the same year he made the most strikeouts.R
3id' R# know the moment # pick up my pencil #'m going to forget e&erything # studied all year.R *ou'
RThat's ne&er happened in your entire life. (hy now9R
(hat To E0pect By /tages And Ages
Preschooler Children as young as four and fi&e are sometimes perfectionists, most noticeably when they
first enter kindergarten, as they take on more responsibilities and worry about meeting the challenges.
School Age #ntellectual and emotional skills e0pand, so kids are more aware of their shortcomings and can
be &ery hard on themsel&es. (atch out for their setting unattainable goals. /chool"age kids can be hesitant
to try new skills or games, fearing they won't be able to meet their own high personal standards or win the
appro&al of othersL they may become procrastinators. They may become self"critical as well as critical of
others, so watch out for trouble relating to classmates. A core concern is meeting your appro&al.
Tween Tweens become more concerned about fitting in and about their appearance and weight. (atch out
for anore0ia and bulimia. E/ee %ating isorders, p. <AH.F @irls &ery often are perfectionistic about their body
image.
/tress builds as homework dramatically increases.
?ne #arent's Answer
A mom from 3ansas City writes'
5y eldest daughter is such a perfectionist. /he'd spend hours working on schoolwork or anything else to
ensure it was absolutely flawless. # couldn't figure out why she felt the need to do e&erything to such an
e0treme when she pointed out to me that # do the e0act same thing. And she was right7 At that moment #
reali1ed what a poor e0ample # was, always doing e&erything o&er and correcting her and basically sending
the message, R*ou're not good enough.R #t was at that moment # &owed to lighten things up in our household
and take time to ha&e more fun. #t's been a much harder task than # e&er thought, and # know my daughter
and # will always be o&erachie&er, type"A personalities, but at least my daughter and # are learning to laugh
more and not take things so hardOand the two of us get along better as well.
?ne .imple .olution
.tress 3ffort Rather Than ?utcome
/witch from praising the end product Ethe grade or goalF to acknowledging your child's effort
along the way. R*ou put a lot of work into this.R
Acknowledge courage. RThat was bra&e of you to try something you weren't sure of. @ood for
you.R
raise attributes other than achie&ement. R@ood for you. *ou took turns with your playmates.R
arenting /olutions' Cheating Epage <F
rint
(ollect 2t@
Email
By 5ichele Borba, Ed.!.
Qohn (iley W /ons, #nc.
Kpdated on !ec ;8, :C8C
The roblem
Red Fla!s
Copies test answers, sends or recei&es test answers &ia te0t message, plagiari1es a report from the #nternet
or other source, downloads ,ui1 answers onto her iod to listen to during a test, gi&es or sells homework to
friends
The (han!e to #arent For
*our child understands the &alue of honesty and effort and adopts those &irtues in her daily beha&ior
7uestion5 RDast night my twel&e"year"old son showed me the A on his math test. # was really proud of him,
figuring he had studied so hard. Then # noticed that he'd printed the answers on his hand. (hen # confronted
him, he said that e&erybody else was doing the same thing and that it's no big deal so # shouldn't get so
work up about it. (ell, # happen to think it is a big dealOhe cheated7 /o now what9R
Answer5 5y strongest piece of ad&ice to parents on cheating is often the hardest one for them to follow
through on' if you catch your kid cheating, don't let him take the good grade, blame his school, or e0cuse it
as Rsomething e&eryone else does.R #nstead, call the teacher and make your kid face the conse,uences.
The short"term pain will be worth the long"term benefit to his character. Belie&e me, that one lesson is far
more memorable and powerful than all the lectures and punishments. Det your child know you are serious
about being honest, and then back up your words with your actions.
$hy (han!e8
Concerned about your kid cheating9 (ell, you are not alone. !ata clearly confirm that cheating is on the
rise. /ince 8AJA, the percentage of high school students who admitted to cheating on a test increased from
;< percent to JH percent.
=
The :CC: Ethics of American *outh sur&ey disco&ered that three of four high
school students admitted to cheating on at least one test during the pre&ious year, and ;G percent admitted
they would lie to perspecti&e employers in order to get a good 2ob.
J
Cheating in school has also reached
sophisticated new le&els. @one are the days when students tucked meticulously written crib notes inside
their pants legs and coughed specially designed codes to peers. agers and cell phone te0t messages
instantly transmit test answers without the hassle of note passing Eand getting caught7F. lagiarism from the
#nternet has become so rampant that many teachers ha&e to rely on a specially designed (eb site to scan
their students' papers to &alidate originality.
5ake no mistake' cheating goes against the grain of integrity and solid character. After all, cheaters aren't
concerned about whether their conduct was fair or how it affected others. Ksually their biggest fret is
worrying about whether they will get caught. Cheating is all about cutting corners and taking the easy way
out. The good news is that parents do play a significant role in nurturing the &irtues of honesty, integrity, and
accountability in their kids. Det's 2ust make sure we use that role wisely so that our kids do turn out right and
this epidemic of cheating is stopped.
*ate:"rea)in! News
$atch ?ut for ?r!anized .ports@
Those sports teams we hope are helping our kids become better people may not be doing the 2ob. A two"
year study of =,:G= high school athletes by the Dos AngelesBbased Qosephson #nstitute of Ethics found
rather shocking results.
G
Two"thirds of the athletes confessed to cheating on a test at least once in the
pre&ious school year Ecompared with JC percent of the rest of the student populationF. Boys cheated more,
and football players were the worst. 5ost also felt that it was okay for their coach to teach them ways to cut
corners and cheat so that the referees couldn't detect their illegal mo&es and their team would ha&e a better
chance of winning. Another study found that hockey coaches in particular encouraged aggressi&e, bully"like
beha&ior in the players and taught kids to challenge a referee's call if they were losing the game. The lesson
here' don't 2ust drop your kid off at practice without turning up your honesty radar and tuning in to what the
coach is emphasi1ing. And while you're at it, make sure your own e0pectations for your child emphasi1e
honesty, fairness, and teamwork and not a win"at"any"cost Eincluding cheatingF mentality.
.i!ns and .ymptoms
4ere are possible signs of cheating in kids. ?f course, there always could be another e0planation, so listen,
but keep a watchful eye on your child.
9our child has no test recall. /he can't tell you what ,uestions were on the test from that morning.
2here#s a discrepancy $etween homewor& and grades. *our child does little studying but recei&es
e0emplary marksL she performs poorly on in"class assignments but does superior work on homework
assignments.
9our child nevver see&s help for schoolwor&. /he brings home little or no homework, claiming that
she finished it already or that teacher doesn't gi&e it. 5ight be cutting corners and not doing the work.
E?f course, she also may be brilliant, or the work is far too easy. Find out the facts.F
2he teacher reports your child cheating. !on't be too ,uick to dismiss an adult's complaint.
9our child can#t explain content. /he has no understanding of the details in the paper she Rwrote.R
2he wor& is 6ust not her style. Kses words that are too sophisticated and that she can't defineL
there's a large disparity between the child's writing style and the paper' this 2ust isn't your child's writing.
9our child can#t locate resources. /he's unable to find or describe the resources used for the report.
9our child is reluctant to show you her wor&. /he hides her work or doesn't want you to read it.
The /olution
.tep 9. 3arly 2ntervention
+dentify the reason. 6eflect on why your kid might be cheating Eor thinking she should be allowed to
get away itF so that you can create the best solutions. The following is a list of common reasons. Check
those that apply to your child or situation'
#s o&erscheduled and o&erwhelmed, lea&ing not enough study time
Fears failingL is perfectionistic, insecure about abilitiesL hates to lose, appear to be a loser, or
fail in front of others
#s incapable of doing the work, struggling to keep upL has a learning disabilityL academic
e0pectations are set too high
Fears getting in trouble or punished for poor grades
!oesn't want to disappoint youL cheats to get the grade to make parents happy
#s taking the easy way out, cutting corners by not studying or putting out the effort
4as an RE&eryone else does itR attitudeL cheating is rampant, putting your kid at an unfair
disad&antage if she does not cheatL cheating is easy to get away withL no one holds her or other
students accountable
#s bullied or ca&ing into pressure from another student to gi&e her homework or answers
!oesn't understand that cheating is wrongL honesty has ne&er been emphasi1ed
4as poor study skills, or doesn't know how to write that paper
(hat is your best guess as to why your kid cheats9 #s there one thing you can do to change this
beha&ior9
on#t ignore reality. !on 5cCabe, a professor at 6utgers Kni&ersity, studied cheating o&er two
decades. 4e found that J< percent of twel&e" and thirteen"year"olds admitted they RcollaboratedR with
other students when they were supposed to be working aloneL <H percent confessed they copied
homework from someone else, and HG percent said they had let someone else copy their homework.
H
on#t ta&e a )not my &id) attitude4recogni:e that cheating is rampant. ?pen up the dialogue with
your kid and acknowledge the pressure' R# know you're worried about your grades, and cheating must
be enticing, but it's still not right.R *ou can let your child know you're aware of her stress, but she needs
to get the message that cheating isn't acceptable. This is also an opportunity to assess if your child feels
too o&erwhelmedL perhaps something needs to gi&e to relie&e that pressure. #s there one acti&ity your
child can gi&e up9
0e an example. *our kids need to know that e&eryone is tempted to cheat, but honesty and hard
work are always the better policy. 6efrain from telling your kids how you cheated on your ta0es or in
your tennis game, or e0aggerated a bit on your resume. *our child will interpret those actions as signs
that cheating is acceptable. 5ake sure your e0ample stresses the &alues you want your kids to copy.
!tep $ac&* A study by ublic Agenda found that one in fi&e adults say they'&e done part of a child's
homework assignment and think doing so is fair.
A
4alt that urge to doOor redoOyour kid's homework.
4alf of middle school kids think the practice is wrong.
8C
Those e&eryday little beha&iors you do send
moral messages to your kids.
%mphasi:e effort. The biggest reason kids cheat is to get a better grade. /o switch your emphasis to
the effort she puts into her practice, chore, or report instead of offering a reward simply for a good
grade. 6ecogni1e your child for working hard and maintaining positi&e study habits. 6ewarding effort
has long"term benefits' the child understands that success is the result of effort and honesty and that
the process of learning is as en2oyable as its result.
(et savvy a$out the +nternet. A growing number of (eb sites such as /choolsucks.com pro&ide free
term papers on any sub2ectL other sites offer them for a fee. ?ne study found that almost half of all kids
engage in Rcut"and"paste plagiarism,R and most parents are clueless.
88
/o monitor your child's online
e0perience. 3eep the computer in a central place and track the sites your child is &isiting. (atch your
credit card for any une0plained (eb site costs. And if your child does write a report, read it7 Check the
&ocabularyL if her word choice is too sophisticated, it's a possible red flag. Ask her to define the words
as well as show you her sources Ebooks, encyclopediasF. #f she can't pro&ide them or describe the topic
without the paper, chances are she cheated.
iscuss the cons of cheating. Thirty"four percent of parents don't talk to their kids about cheating
because they belie&e their child would ne&er cheat.
8:
!on't make that mistake7 Talk to your kid about the
negati&e results of cheating. 4ere are a few important points to co&er'
Cheating can get you in serious trouble' probation, suspension, e0pulsion, or e&en criminal penalties,
such as fines, tickets, and incarceration.
eople won't trust you, and you get a bad reputation. )o one will want to be your friend or do business
with you.
#t can become a habit, and you can reach the point where you feel you can't do anything without
cheating both among your friends and in school.
#t hurts other people and isn't fair to other students or people who play fair and stick to the rules.
#f you get away with cheating, you can find yourself in a situation you are completely un,ualified and
unable to handle. )ot only will you be in o&er your head, but you'll also know in your heart that you're a
fraud.
#f you don't learn the work now, you'll ha&e e&en more trouble at the ne0t grade le&el.
lease don't make the mistake of thinking that a one"time talk on such a serious sub2ect will con&ince your
kid that honesty really is the best policy. /tate your &iews o&er and o&er and look for teachable day"to"day
moments to re&iew why cheating is wrong.
.tep C. Rapid Response
!o know that most kids will cheat at something, but whether they continue to do so often depends on how
we respond. These responses help your child learn from this e0perience'
!tay calm and do not overreact. *es, it is hard, but it's the best way to respond. Chances are this is a
minor, first offense and not some deep"seated psychological problem. !o let your child know you are
disappointed and tell what you saw or heard. R+ 6ust saw you move the $all. 2hat#s cheating.) )+ reread
your report, and you copied most of it straight off the +nternet .R Be brief' merely state your obser&ation
and stick to facts.
0e private. #t's best to cite your obser&ations ,uietly in a one"to"one con&ersation rather than when
your kid is with others. ublic accusations of cheating usually only aggra&ate the situation, and your kid
will most likely deny the accusation.
o not la$el your &id Ra cheater.R This is both unhelpful and counterproducti&e. Focus on the child's
action, not her character. R5o&ing the ball is cheating.R RCopying your friend's answers is cheating.R
2ell where you stand. 5ake it clear that cheating isn't how you want her to get the good grade or win
the game, and that you e0pect honesty. R+ expect you to do your own wor& and not copy your friend#s
answers.) )+ expect you to play $y the rules.R
Hear your &id out. Try to determine the reason she copied her friend's work or plagiari1ed the report
so that you can de&elop a solution if necessary. !oes she feel o&erwhelmed with no time to study9 Then
create a solution by cutting one acti&ity to make time. !oes she say the class is way too hard9 /et up a
conference with the teacher.
Assess her moral reasoning. !oes she feel at all guilty9 !oes she apologi1e or say she will try not to
let it happen again9 !oes she blame the teacher or peer and not take ownership9 !oes she say this
isn't a big deal and that e&eryone else does it9 #f so, those are signals telling you to monitor not only
your child's beha&ior but also her moral de&elopment. E!ee 'ot 7nowing Right from 1rong, p. 8A8.F
*our kid may need more intense honesty lessons. Although they will take time, don't de&iate from that
aim.
!et a consequence for repeat cheating. #f despite all your efforts your kid's cheating continues, or if
this is a repeat offense, it's time to set a conse,uence and make your child accountable. For younger
kids caught cheating in a game, simply stop playing. R2hat was cheating again. +t#s not fun to play when
you don#t play fair. +#m going to stop playing now, and we#ll try again later.R ?lder kids who cheat on tests
or plagiari1e reports should be re,uired to redo the assignment. A 6edbook maga1ine poll found that J=
percent of parents said they would alert the teacher if their kid cheatedL ;= percent said they would keep
,uiet to protect their child.
8;
#f you catch your child, call the teacher and make your kid face the
conse,uences.
Meet with the teacher. Find out what is really going on. #s your child prepared9 #s she struggling and
in need of a tutor9 #s this a past problem9 ?r is she 2ust taking the easy way out9 Det your child know in
no uncertain terms that you and the teacher will continue to monitor her schoolwork and that she will be
held accountable for cheating. #f she is accused, don't be so ,uick to blame the teacher. #nstead, step
back, be open minded, and gather the facts. As tough as this may be to hear, your child may be
cheating.
!ee& help if the pro$lem continues. #f cheating still continues, spend some serious uninterrupted
time with your kid coming to an agreement on how further cheating will be pre&ented. Chronic cheating
can be a symptom of an emotional struggle, peer problems, a learning difficulty, or e&en a more serious
antisocial beha&ior issue that should be addressed. /eek the ad&ice of a trained mental health
professional if cheating continues or intensifies. E/ee the ay Attention to This7 bo0.
#ay Attention to This@
$hen to $orry
As much as we'd like our kids always to follow the straight"and"narrow path of honesty, the fact is that
cheating is a common Ebut inappropriateF child beha&ior. Almost any kid may bend the rules, so your role is
to help your child recogni1e that honesty really is the best policy and to make sure that cheating does not
become a habit. But there are times you should seek help for your child from a mental health counselor, a
child guidance clinic, or a psychologist to help you decipher what's really triggering this beha&ior'
Cheating ha$itual. !espite your efforts, your child's cheating is a chronic problem.
Reputation at sta&e. eers, teachers, coaches, or parents see your kid as dishonest and label her
a Rcheater.R
;ther $ehavioral pro$lems. *our child e0hibits other troubling beha&iors, such as stealing or lying,
setting fires, acting out, bullying or being mean to animals or peers, acting defiant or aggressi&e.
'o guilt or remorse. E&idence shows that your child is cheating, but she lies to co&er it, sees
nothing wrong with her actions, and displays no shame or guilt.
.tep D. Develop 'a/its for (han!e
2each the lac&ing s&ill so that your &id doesn#t cheat. #s your child plagiari1ing because she doesn#t
&now how to write a report9 !oes she cheat because she doesn#t &now how to lose/ !oes she copy the
other kid's homework because shedoesn#t have the study s&ills to do it on her own9 Ask the teacher for
suggestions on how to teach the missing skill, and if you don't know how to do it, consider hiring a tutor.
Ac&nowledge honesty. Certainly we should tell our kids that it is important to be fair and honest. (e
also should let them know how much we appreciate their being truthful whene&er they are. /o do
acknowledge your kid's honest efforts' R+ really appreciate your honesty. + can count on you to say the
truth.) o $e sure to recogni:e her especially anytime she refuses to give in to peer pressure" )+ &now it
was hard to say no to your friend. + admire how you stood up to him and told him he couldn#t copy your
paper.R
2each ways to $uc& the temptation to cheat. Tweens especially feel the urge to gi&e their homework
or test answers to a peer, usually because of the need to fit in. Bullying is also rampant these days, so
check to make sure your child is not being threatened to supply answers. /tanding up to a peer is hard
at any age, but particularly during the years of ten to fourteen Ewhen cheating also begins to peakF.
!iscuss strategies to help your kid stand up to peer pressure or teach a few of the ones that follow. Qust
make sure you help her rehearse them o&er and o&er until she can confidently use them on her own.
E/ee also Peer Pressure, p. ;G;.F
!ay no firmly, then don#t give in. /ay no to the peer using a friendly but firm and determined
&oice.
Repeat your decision. 6epeat your decision se&eral times' R)o, it's not right,R R)o, it's not
right.R #t makes you sound asserti&e and helps you not back down.
2ell reasons why. @i&e the person the reason you're saying no so as to help strengthen your
con&iction not to proceed with what you'&e been asked to do' R# worked too hard to gi&e you my
paper.R R#t's against the honor code.R R# could get a lower grade.R
(hat To E0pect By /tages And Ages
Preschooler >ery young children do not understand the meaning of cheating and why they should stick to
the rules, so they are prone to RbendR them in their fa&or. #f you catch your child cheating, let her know you
are aware of her tactics, and use gentle teaching Enot punishmentF. !on't label the child a cheater, but
instead emphasi1e why it is important not to cheat.
School Age These are the years when cheating may startL kids begin to break rules to win competiti&e
games, and there are also more opportunities to cheat. Boys cheat more than girls.
8<
These kids are now
beginning to understand right from wrong and fair and unfair, but not until the later school years will they
really understand why it's wrong to cheat, though they may feel it is acceptable depending on the task.
Although cheating is not unusual, act ,uickly so that it does not become a habit. ?lder school"age kids begin
to feel pressure to Rkeep upR with e0tra acti&ities Esports, lessons, chores, friendsF and homework, so they
may use cheating as a shortcut. #f cheating becomes fre,uent, it is usually because of stress or another
emotional issue that should be dealt with.
Tween The ages of ten to fourteen are peak cheating years largely due to the emphasis on grades and test
scores and mounting academic pressures.
8=
Two"thirds of middle school students report cheating on tests,
and AC percent copy homework.
8J
Cheating is often considered RcoolR ERE&eryone does it7RF. Tweens may be
intimidated into cheating because of their need to Rfit in.R #nternet"related cheating and plagiarism become
the ,uick way to do a reportL kids also te0t test answers &ia cell phone or download answers to 5; players.
?&er half the middle school students in one study confessed to ha&ing cheated on an e0am in the past
year.
8G
6outines
rint
(ollect 2t@
Email
Center for Child (ell Being
Kpdated on Feb :=, :C88
Establish routines to let your child know what to e0pect and how to beha&e. This helps a&oid and reduce
beha&ior problems.
2nfant
6outines help infants learn to anticipate what will be happening ne0t and to understand se,uences of
e&ents. The repetition of routines encourages your baby's memory de&elopment, and the consistency helps
her ad2ust to a regular schedule. Consistent patterns for feeding, diaper changes, bedtime, bathing, and
getting dressed become familiar to your baby. Familiarity helps soothe and reassure her. Kse these routines
to talk to your child and tell her what you're doing. E&en if she cannot understand your words, the sound of
your &oice comforts her, and she pays attention to the pitch and sounds of what you say. This encourages
her language de&elopment. 6outines create a comforting en&ironment for your child that makes her feel safe
and lo&ed. 3nowing that you will be there for her when she needs you gi&es your child more confidence to
e0plore and try new things.
!e&elopmental milestones
5ake diaper changes and other routines fun by counting your baby's toes, gently tickling her tummy,
and using your &oice and facial e0pressions to keep your baby's attention.
Between ; and J months, your child's sleeping habits will become more regular, and she will be able
to go for longer periods of time without awakening. Creating a soothing bedtime routine helps your baby
learn to comfort herself and to return to sleep after waking up.
6eading to your child regularly before bed is a wonderful way to spend time together before she
sleeps. 5aking this routine will help your baby know when it is time for bed. 6eading also encourages
your child's language de&elopment.
Between J and A months, your baby will begin to ha&e an eating routine and a routine for soiling
diapers. (hile daily feedings and diaper changes may seem tedious to you, they are wonderful learning
times for your child. Talk to your child and tell her what you are doing. 5ake it fun7 This is how she
learns.
As your child's sleep schedule changes, continue to maintain your bedtime routine. This will
encourage her to go to sleep at a regular time and to return herself to sleep if she wakes up.
*our child learns by repetition. !ropping a ball again and again helps her learn what happens when
it hits the ground, where it goes, and what sound it makes. @ames like peek"a"boo and patty"cake help
your child learn about cause and effect, and they promote memory de&elopment. 6epetition will also
help your child as she learns to stand and walk. Trying again and again teaches her muscles how to
work together and makes them stronger.
C to D %ears of A!e
6outines for eating, sleeping, and getting ready in the morning help life run more smoothly. They also foster
good habits and good beha&iors in children. Bedtime routines such as brushing teeth, taking a bath, and
reading a bedtime story teach children the importance of these acti&ities, and they also help the day wind
down before bedtime. ?nce your child learns that bedtime is at Hpm and that there is a consistent routine
that goes with it, she will learn that putting up a fuss will not change anything. 6outines foster a safe and
predictable en&ironment. (hen your child understands what is happening and why, she feels safe. Feeling
safe is crucial for learning and de&elopment to take place. *our toddler learns to interact with other people
by the relationship she forms with you. Through consistent and lo&ing routines, you can form a trusting and
lo&ing relationship with your child. *our child will use this relationship as the basis for how she interacts with
other people in the future.
!e&elopmental milestones
*our child is growing and learning at a &igorous pace. *our toddler is acti&e, curious, learning to play
with other people, and trying new things. /he learns through doing things o&er and o&er again. This is
why she may ask you to read the same story or sing the same song repeatedly. 6epetition also teaches
her about actions and conse,uences and how one affects the other. Knderstanding this is essential to
positi&e discipline.
@etting up and ready in the morning can be stressful. Establishing a morning routine for both you
and your child will help this process go more smoothly.
*our child can now feed herself. 5ealtimes, especially dinner, are a wonderful time for your family to
spend ,uality time together. E&en if your child is not eating the same foods as the rest of the family, she
will want to be included at dinnertime. For many children, eating dinner together is a family tradition that
they remember fondly and hope to pass on to their children.
; to G %ears of A!e
6outines help life run more smoothly and let your child know what to e0pect and how to beha&e. These are
essential elements of positi&e discipline. /imple routines, such as family dinners and reading together, can
also de&elop into fun family traditions, such as big /unday morning breakfasts, weekly trips to the library, or
de&oting one e&ening a week to a special dinner or game night. Both simple household routines and fun
family traditions help children feel that they play an important role in the family and that they belong.
Establishing traditions within the family reinforces the uni,ue and important role each person plays that
makes the family special. This helps strengthen relationships and gi&es children a sense of security and
belonging, which leads to better social skills, impro&ed self"esteem, and emotional growth for your child.
!e&elopmental 5ilestones
*our preschooler will be talking, playing, and doing things on her own. /he will be dressing herself,
learning to write her name, and putting together pu11les. /etting aside time each day to play with your
child, help her get dressed, and read with her lets her know that she is lo&ed and is an important part of
the family.
*our child will be doing and saying lots of funny and memorable things. 6etelling stories is a
wonderful way to establish a sense of family history, growth, and uni,ueness. lus, your child lo&es
hearing stories, especially when they are about her.
Dong car trips can be a great time to play silly games such as R# /py,R counting, and alphabet games.
@ames make car rides go by more ,uickly, help your child practice number and word skills, and they are
often remembered e&en more fondly than the destination7
!e&eloping routines early on for bathing, brushing teeth, reading before bedtime, and getting up in
the morning makes it easier for your child to learn to do these things on her own, and she is more likely
to continue using these routines as she gets older.
?ther ideas for establishing family traditions through routines are' putting your child to sleep with a
lullaby or story, waking her up with a song, taking walks together, making dinner together, using dinner
as a time to share family stories, taking bubble baths, and going on family e0cursions.
!ealing with !iscipline
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By Q.Q. Bigner
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
arents are e0pected to teach discipline to their children. This does not refer to punishment for
transgressions but teaching appropriate beha&iors, including self"control.
Teaching and guiding children are perhaps the greatest concerns parents ha&e in performing ade,uately as
caregi&ers to growing children. Cultural ideas ha&e e&ol&ed about what children need and how best to teach
them the beha&iors, &alues, and beliefs adults consider important for their effecti&e future functioning. Ad&ice
on how to raise children has proliferated in modern times. #nformation on a &ariety of topics pertaining to
parenting, child de&elopment, and guidance techni,ues is a&ailable in maga1ines, books, and pamphlets.
/uch materials tend to be used more fre,uently by today+s parents than they were in pre&ious generations
EBigner W *ang, 8AAJL Francis"Connolly, :CC;F.
Kppermost in many parents+ thinking is the issue of how to pro&ide ade,uate and appropriate discipline in
guiding children+s growth and de&elopment EChamberlain W atterson, 8AA=F. A sur&ey of child"rearing
ad&ice in popular literature between 8A=C and 8AGC found discipline to be a common topic EBigner, 8AG:F.
Articles during this period also emphasi1ed' E8F helping children gain self"control through psychological
means rather than through physical punishment, E:F using positi&e reinforcement to achie&e desired results
in children+s beha&ior, and E;F using a &ariety of strategies and methods for child training. Another sur&ey of
popular literature articles appearing between 8AG: and 8AAC also found that the topic of discipline and
sociali1ation of children recei&ed a si1able degree of writers+ attention EBigner W *ang, 8AAJF. Articles
published during this period reflected the same general themes found in the earlier period sur&eyed, but also
emphasi1ed the emergence of many new ways of working with children that are described in this chapter.
5any of the themes discussed during the past <C years in popular maga1ine articles appear to be perennial
issues with parents, such as how to communicate with children so that they learn how to listen and comply
with parental concerns about their beha&ior.
/ome @enerali1ations About !iscipline
The concept of discipline is largely misunderstood. The term is deri&ed from an old English word meaning
instruction. A deri&ati&e of the term is disciple, which means pupil or student. Contrary to its definition, most
people e,uate discipline to the use of punishment or penalties in response to children+s misbeha&ior. For
discipline to be effecti&e, howe&er, parents need to &iew it in light of the term+s original meaning.
First, discipline is teaching children to beha&e in ways considered appropriate by their parents, teachers,
and other caregi&ers. !iscipline is the means by which children are taught to internali1e the rules, &alues,
and beliefs that will help them to become effecti&e indi&iduals as adults.
/econd, discipline in&ol&es measures that help children learn to control their impulses so that they can learn
to reason and make appropriate choices for their beha&ior before acting. These measures also help children
learn social skills in considering others+ needs as well as their own, which will facilitate their future
participation in work and family life and in other interactions with people.
Third, to be effecti&e, disciplinary actions of a parent must be positi&e, reasonable, and temperate.
Fourth, methods and strategies of discipline should be geared to a child+s age and de&elopmental le&el.
Fifth, to discipline a child effecti&ely, an adult must understand the child and his or her particular needs and
problems.
Finally, discipline pro&ides structure in children+s li&es by means of the rules de&eloped within their family
system. 6ules are found in both healthy and unhealthy family systems. These act as the means for helping
e&eryone know the guidelines of what ser&es as acceptable and unacceptable beha&ior and the
conse,uences of both actions. #n healthy family systems, negotiable rules abound. Children in healthy
families learn that the rules are for their protection and freedom. They know they can talk with their parents
about making occasional e0ceptions to the rules.
Children+s misbeha&ior is often a primary focus of parental attention. This preoccupation, which may be
more of a problem to the adult than to the child, can be traced to the following ,uestions' E8F Are adult
e0pectations too high for the child+s age and abilities9 E:F Are instructions to children gi&en in a negati&e
framework in&ol&ing an e0cessi&e number of $don+ts% rather than $do+s%9 E;F #s the adult consistent in
enforcing some rules and policies that are not negotiable and at the same time fle0ible to debate negotiable
rules to teach the child conflict resolution and discussion skills9 E<F #s the emphasis on teaching children
how to arri&e at win"win solutions to problems with parental or family rules instead of on the deliberate,
conscientious e0pression of parental power o&er children when problems arise in their beha&ior9
Children may misbeha&e because of &aried and comple0 reasons, including the following' E8F they may be ill
or becoming illL E:F they may lack knowledge and e0perience in knowing how to beha&e appropriately and as
e0pectedL E;F they may feel unlo&ed, discouraged, or re2ected, and hence are attempting to gain their
parents+ attentionL E<F they may feel inade,uate or incapable of li&ing up to parental standardsL or E=F they
may ha&e forgotten about a rule or not had sufficient learning e0periences to internali1e it.
arents can learn certain skills and gain understanding and knowledge that will guide them in teaching
children acceptable and responsible beha&ior. 4owe&er, no child de&elopment or family e0pert can offer
programs of discipline and guidance that will work effecti&ely for all families or for all children.
Each family system must de&elop its own rules, policies, and &alues of child rearing and sociali1ation. 4ow
these e&ol&e in a particular family system depends on a host of factors, such as personalities, family of
origin backgrounds, &alues, financial and social status, and the number and birth order of children.
E0perimentation with what works, what feels comfortable, and what is reasonable contributes to the program
of discipline parents use. The ability of a family system to adapt or change rules that either don+t work or are
no longer functional because children ha&e grown older is also an essential feature of a healthy program of
discipline.
The concepts and possible approaches outlined in the paragraphs that follow may pro&e helpful to parents
attempting to de&elop a program of discipline for their family system'
8. -nderstand how the concept of e,uifinality applies to a pro!ram of discipline.
The e,uifinality concept from family systems theory implies that families attain similar goals in different
and &aried ways. 4ence, different methods of sociali1ing children may result in adult indi&iduals who
hold similar &alues, attitudes, and beha&iors. A &ariety of techni,ues, methods, and practices can help
accomplish similar goals of sociali1ation. )o single, correct program of discipline will accomplish these
goals.
:. Do not use a/usive corporal punishment.
Contrary to popular opinion, spanking and other abusi&e corporal punishment are not effecti&e means
to achie&e desired beha&ior from children E3a1din W Ben2et, :CC;L /traus, 8AA<F. #nstead, such forms
of physical &iolence model this beha&ior as appropriate ways to resol&e conflicts and lead to habitual
use of &iolent beha&ior by children E3yriacou, :CC:L /traus W *odanis, 8AAJF. 6ecent work also
strongly substantiates the connection between harsh physical, abusi&e punishment in childhood and
&iolence in adult romantic in&ol&ements E/winford et al., :CCCF. 5any adults were spanked by their
parents in attempts to control their misbeha&ior as children. 4owe&er, researchers increasingly note
that it is the consistency with which this and other punishment measures are used rather than the act
itself that helps children learn to control their actions E3a1din W Ben2et, :CC;F. /panking and other
forms of physical punishment usually occur within the conte0t of e0pressions of parental anger, which
can result in o&erly aggressi&e actions that harm the child.
Considering this danger along with the negati&e effect on a child+s self"esteem, alternati&es such as
positi&e reinforcement, time"out, and other less damaging methods are &iewed as more appropriate
disciplinary measures E(hipple W 6itchey, 8AAGF.
?ne study, howe&er, reports that parental reliance on reasoning alone to shape and guide a
disciplinary program for toddlers is ineffecti&e EDar1elere et al., 8AHAF. (hen the reasoning approach
is combined with noncorporal, nonabusi&e punishment Ee.g., time"out, withdrawal of pri&ilegesF, then
disciplinary programs become more effecti&e and toddlers learn to comply with parental wishes. And
as all parents of toddlers learn, there are times when e&en this kind of procedure may not work well. #n
these instances, the authors recommend that parents use a nonabusi&e corporal punishment as a
back"up for the reasoning and use of noncorporal punishment. A two"swat hand"slap, for e0ample, is
ad&ocated in these circumstances. )ot e&ery parent, howe&er, may wish to go e&en to this as a last
resort in working with a noncompliant toddler. The authors of this study note that how parents use
disciplinary tactics may be more critical than which ones they choose to use.
;. Try to understand children+s feelin!s and motivations.
5any parents consider the misbeha&ior of a child to be a personal attack moti&ated by the child+s
malicious intent. This is rarely the case. The child+s misbeha&ior may be a learned response or action
that is logical enough to him or her at that particular time. arents who attempts in a lo&ing, noncritical
way to de&elop an understanding of their children will feel less hostile when they misbeha&e. As a
result, the parents will be more rational in de&eloping correcti&e action that teaches children to think
before they act. /uch an approach will also facilitate the parent+s position as the child+s ally in sol&ing
a particular problem. ?n the other hand, the parent who sees misbeha&ior as a personal attack with
malicious intent will likely respond with anger and frustration, which will only ser&e to intensify the
problem.
A parent has &arious means to gain understanding of a child+s feelings and moti&ations for beha&ing in
unacceptable ways. The parent can listen carefully to a child+s &erbal and non&erbal communications
and reflect the feelings being e0pressed back to the child. This e0ercise will help the child e0press
himself or herself and help the parent to understand the emotional aspects that underlie the child+s
actions. To employ this techni,ue effecti&ely, the adult must respect the child as a fallible human being
who is by nature prone to making mistakes and errors. This attitude is based in compassion and
empathy. arents who are angry and critical of a child because of misbeha&ior often dictate their own
solution to a problem, which tends to thwart thinking and reasoning on the child+s part. /uch beha&ior
ser&es to discount the child rather than foster an understanding of why the child acts as he or she
does.
A parent might also attempt to help the child identify and rectify the cause of the misbeha&ior. This
approach is similar to that used by a mechanic fi0ing a malfunctioning engine. ?rdinarily, mechanics
do not scream in anger, condemn, or strike an engine because it has malfunctioned. They simply
disco&er the cause of the malfunction and make repairs. A parent can approach a malfunctioning child
in similar ways, first by attempting to identify what caused the problem beha&ior and then by helping
the child make the necessary ad2ustments to his or her beha&ior.
<. Facilitate children+s opportunities to learn to thin) and reason and ma)e choices for their
actions.
A child who is granted the right to make personal decisions and to e0perience the conse,uences, both
positi&e and negati&e, of those decisions will learn to be responsible for his or her actions. 4ere the
parent+s role is to help in generating alternati&es without supplying all the answers, options, or
solutions all the time. The adult must determine which decisions a child can make and at what age.
The parent who continually makes all the child+s decisions and accepts responsibility for all the child+s
actions fosters dependency rather than autonomy in the child. By making their own decisions and
li&ing with the results, children learn to differentiate themsel&es from others and to establish personal
boundaries.
=. *earn to value the individual differences of children as interestin! and positive tools for
personal !rowth rather than re,uire that everyone in the family system /e the same.
/ome family systems &alue sameness or rigid conformity in all members rather than seeing the
benefits of indi&idual differences in &alues, opinions, ideas, or means of self"e0pression E6ichardson,
8AAAF. arenting and disciplining children in such family systems is approached with a $cookie cutter%
mentality' Children are re,uired to think and act like their parents and hold identical &alues and
beliefs. The demand for sameness can kill a child+s spirit and self"perception as an autonomous,
uni,ue human being who has the ability to reason and think and the right to be who he or she is.
Faced with the demand for sameness among family members, a child may react in one of se&eral
ways'
The child may comply with the rule of sameness by denial of his or her true self. The child
will a&oid conflict and seek peace at any price.
The child may rebel and seek self"definition by not acting as the parents wish, often in ways
that are contrary to his or her own wishes.
The child may pro2ect blame on others rather than admit his or her own part in conflicts. A
power struggle with parents is a typical result.
(hen the demand for sameness becomes o&erwhelming, the child may disengage
emotionally from parents.
J. aintain a clear understandin! that discipline should /e /ased on helpin! children develop
internal structure that is /ased on healthy self:esteem rather than fear4 !uilt4 or shame.
/tructure refers to the internali1ed controls that people ac,uire through sociali1ation e0periences that
guide their beha&ior EClarke W !awson, 8AAHF. arents pro&ide sociali1ation e0periences to their
children through care, instruction, and rules that result in children+s self"disciplined actions. This differs
drastically from the e0periences of children who are raised by parents who use criticism, sarcasm,
nagging, discounting, shame, and guilt to pro&ide children with internal controls for their beha&ior.
(hen parents attempt to shape and moti&ate children+s de&elopment by instilling fear and shame
about misbeha&ior, the children suffer a loss of self"esteem. /uch children internali1e what
psychologists refer to as a critical parent aspect of their personality to moti&ate and regulate their
beha&ior. As adults, such indi&iduals respond to committing an error or transgression with guilt and
shame. These emotions tend to block effecti&e problem sol&ing because the person+s thinking skills
become fro1en and ineffecti&e at reaching rational solutions to the problem at hand EBurns, 8AAAF.
6ules pro&ide an important aspect for helping children learn structure. (hen applied appropriately,
rules pro&ide children with a sense of protection and foster a sense of trust and security. arents must
teach children rules that are rational and ser&e to outline the limits to which children can go in their
beha&ior by maintaining personal boundaries. #f rules deri&e from parents+ critical, 2udgmental,
unlo&ing positions promoted by authoritarian attitudes, the resulting discipline and structure pro&ided
for children will tend to be rigid and infle0ible. /uch rules and the ways parents enforce them become
similar to the poisonous pedagogy of authoritarianism that causes children to ac,uire negati&e rather
than positi&e structure.
/ome parents pro&ide implicit rules and inconsistent e0periences, resulting in what is
called marshmallowing, or abandonment of children+s needs for ade,uate structure. /ome rules will
be negotiable while others, by necessity, will not. )egotiable rules will lead to healthy feelings of self"
esteem in children. ?n the other hand, rigidity, infle0ibility, ha&ing the ma2ority of rules be
nonnegotiable, and abandoning children+s needs will damage children+s self"esteem.
(hen enforcing rules, it is wise for parents to decide how and when to use their authority, when to be
lenient, and when to penali1e children for misbeha&ior. 6ules constitute a significant aspect of the
patterns that go&ern the functioning of the family system and the parent"child microen&ironment.
(ithout some form of rules, the family system cannot function effecti&ely for the benefit of its
members. #t is essential that rules for children+s welfare and de&elopment be formed rationally rather
than emotionally.
G. Discipline is most effective when provided to children within an atmosphere of nurturance.
By nurturing their children, parents show them that they are lo&ed and are lo&able unconditionally
EClarke W !awson, 8AAHF.
)urturance relates to all the ways in which we demonstrate lo&e, not only for others but also for
oursel&es. )urturing another in&ol&es touching, noticing, and caring for that person in ways that are
healthy. )urturance is e0pressed to children in two basic forms and in many &ariations of these forms.
Asserti&e care is e0pressed when a parent knows and determines what a child+s needs are and
responds to those needs in lo&ing ways that generate a sense of trust within the child. Asserti&e care
in&ol&es noticing and listening to the child and understanding the cues and re,uests the child offers.
/upporti&e care is pro&ided as children grow older and can make decisions for themsel&es about what
kinds of attention and care they need from their parents. #n pro&iding supporti&e care, parents offer
care at appropriate times, and children are free to accept or decline the care.
Both forms of care deri&e from lo&e that is unconditional. This means that lo&e is gi&en freely, without
e0pectations, without limits, and without measure. The parent+s message to the child is, $# lo&e you
because you are who you are.%
#n reality, both asserti&e and supporti&e care can be gi&en by parents in ways that are both positi&e
and negati&e. (hen asserti&e and supporti&e care are offered positi&ely and consistently, children+s
growth and de&elopment as indi&iduals are facilitated in healthy ways. (hen care is offered negati&ely
or inconsistently, lo&e is conditional rather than unconditional and manifests as conditional care,
indulgence, or abuse and neglect EClarke W !awson, 8AAHF. These represent harshness in relating to
children, resulting in negati&e and harmful effects that are seen in children+s unhealthy self"esteem.
arents+ treatment of children when applying discipline teaches children about themsel&es and leads
them to make conclusions about their self"worth.
arenting and !iscipline
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By am Dehman
Community Action )etwork
Kpdated on !ec H, :C8C
As most parents and teenagers will tell you, adolescence is often a difficult and trying time. Being an
effecti&e parent can be one of the most rewarding tasks in life. #t also can be one of the most difficult and
challenging.
arenting skills and discipline styles &ary widely from family to family, and can be a ma2or source of
problems and conflict. For a long time our society has e0pected all kinds of people who deal with children,
such as teachers, social workers, counselors and psychologists, to ha&e special training, but parents ha&e
been left to fend for themsel&es.
The need for pro&iding education and support for parents of adolescents is becoming recogni1ed because
parenting today's teens is more difficult than in pre&ious years. Teenagers ha&e always been e0posed to
acti&ities, information, and people that challenge their families standards and &alues, but ne&er so much as
today. Farreaching technological and sociological changes now present new challenges that most people,
especially parents, are not well prepared to meet. Knfortunately, children do not come with instruction
manuals, and many parents who do well during their children's' infancy and childhood find their teenage
years to be a time of conflict and frustration. arents whose own teenage years don't seem so &ery long ago
are finding their children growing up in a changed world. Traditional authoritarian approaches that may ha&e
worked for their parents, do not work as well for today's parents.
Almost all parents want to impro&e their relationships with their teenagers, but many don't know how to
proceed. #t is difficult to make the transition from parenting a child to parenting a young adult.
5isunderstandings and lack of information abound. /ome parents assume that adolescents are rebellious
by nature and impossible to li&e with. ermissi&e parents belie&e the best approach to li&ing with teenagers
is to Rweather the stormR until their teens lea&e home. ?ther parents assume that teenagers can be forced to
obey a parent's will. Authoritarian parents belie&e that family harmony can be achie&ed by Rgetting toughR,
gi&ing lots of orders in a loud &oice and making sure teens follow those orders to the letter.
)either the permissi&e parenting style of Rweathering the stormR nor the authoritarian parenting style of
Rgetting toughR is likely to impro&e most parentSteen relationships. #n fact, both approaches increase the
likelihood that family life will deteriorate because neither approach encourages teenagers to become
responsible for themsel&es.
!emocratic parenting is an alternati&e approach that is based on principles of mutual respect in terms of
human dignity and worth. This means &aluing teenagers as uni,ue indi&iduals who need lo&e and respect,
and helping them to de&elop self discipline and responsibility by permitting choice. Ksing reward and
punishment pre&ents teens from learning to make their own decisions, suggests that acceptable beha&ior is
e0pected only in the presence of authority, in&ites resistance, and makes parents responsible for their teen's
beha&ior. Allowing teenagers to make choices and e0perience the natural and logical conse,uences of those
choices gi&es them responsibility for their own actions. 5aking choices and decisions for adolescents that
they can make for themsel&es reduces their self"respect and responsibility.
)atural conse,uences are those that allow teens to learn from the natural order of the physical world. For
e0ample, that not eating is followed by hunger. Dogical conse,uences are those that allow teens to learn
from the reality of the social world. For e0ample, that getting up late may result in being late for school.
The differences between punishment and logical conse,uences are'
unishment e0presses the power of personal authority. Dogical conse,uences e0press the
impersonal reality of the social order.
unishment is not necessarily related to the misbeha&ior. Dogical conse,uences are directly, or
logically related to the misbeha&ior.
unishment implies the teen is bad. Dogical conse,uences imply no element of moral 2udgement.
unishment demands obedience. Dogical conse,uences permit choice.
The line between punishment and logical conse,uences is thin at times. 5atter"of"fact tone of &oice, friendly
attitude, and willingness to accept the teen's decision are important.
/ome points to remember in using the natural and logical conse,uences in democratic parenting are'
Be both firm and kind. Kse a friendly tone of &oice. Z ro&ide choices and accept the teen's decision.
/eparate the deed from the doer. #ndicate your respect for the teen e&en though the beha&ior is not
acceptable.
As you follow through with a conse,uence, gi&e assurance that there will be an opportunity to
change the decision later.
A&oid fights. They indicate lack of respect for the other person. !o not gi&e in. That indicates lack of
respect for yourself.
Be patient. #t will take time for natural and logical conse,uences to be effecti&e.
Effects of arenting /tyles on Children's Beha&ior
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By !.4. /ailor
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
Each of these parenting styles appears to ha&e certain influences on children's beha&ior. 4owe&er, culture
also influences the outcome, especially for school success. The ma2ority of parents fall into one of these
categories most of the time. (hen parents are inconsistent in their parenting approach, it is &ery damaging
to their children because they do not know what to e0pect.
Authoritarian arenting
The use of puniti&e and forceful measures to enforce proper beha&ior causes anger, resentment, and deceit
and impairs wholesome parent"child relationships EBettelheim, 8AH=F. #n Baumrind's 8AJG research,
preschoolers with authoritarian parents are withdrawn and unhappy. They appear an0ious and insecure with
peers and react hostilely if frustrated. Baumrind's 8AG8 research shows girls to be dependent and lacking in
moti&ation and boys much more likely to be angry and defiant. #n addition, children of authoritarian parents
are less likely to internali1e Eaccept as their own standardF society's unacceptable beha&iors E@rusec and
@oodnow, 8AA<t and are more likely to ha&e low self"esteem ECoppersmith, 8AJGF. These children often
model their parents' infle0ible thinking E!eko&ic, @enis, and Qanssens, 8AA8F.
Baumrind's 8AG8 description of authoritarian parenting emphasi1es parents demanding certain beha&iors
without e0plaining why and often not listening or pro&iding ade,uate emotional support EChao, 8AA<F. #n
addition, some authoritarian child rearing practices ha&e been linked with an e&angelical effort E/mut and
4agen, 8AH=F stressing domination of the child or breaking the child's will E!obson, 8AA:F.
ermissi&e arenting
arents who are nonpuniti&e, lo&ing, and accepting of the child often ha&e children who lack independence
and are selfish because they are not taught how their actions affect others. These children tend to be
impulsi&e, aggressi&e, and low in taking responsibility.
Knin&ol&ed or ermissi&e"#ndifferent arenting
The combination of permissi&eness and indifference or re2ection in &arying degrees has detrimental effects
on children. #n the e0treme, it becomes neglect, which is a form of child abuse EEgeland and /troufe, 8AH8F.
Children with few rules who are ignored or li&ing with hostility are noncompliant and aggressi&e. They ha&e
low self"esteem and display anger toward others. 5any e0hibit antisocial beha&ior and may end up as
criminals E/traus, 8AA<L Brophy, 8AGGF.
Authoritati&e arenting
arents who are nurturing and set, discuss, and enforce de&elopmentally appropriate limits are the most
successful in helping their children become autonomous, independent, self"controlled, self"confident, and
cooperati&e E@rusec and Dytton, 8AHHL Baumrind, 8AJAL 8AG8F. These children also are more likely to ha&e
high le&els of competence and high self"esteem during middle childhood and adolescence ECoppersmith,
8AJGL Doeb, 4orst, and 4orton, 8AHCF. They also ha&e internali1ed moral standards E4olmbeck, aikoff, and
Brooks"@unn, 8AA=F and their academic performance in high school is superior to that of children from either
authoritarian or permissi&e homes E!ornbusch, 6itter, Deiderman, 6oberts, and Fraleigh, 8AHGL /teinberg,
!ornbush, and Brown, 8AA:F.
!isciplining *our Child' 4ow to !o it ositi&ely
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By !ina Brooks
Kpdated on Aug H, :C88
arenting is no easy task but it's definitely one of the most important and most rewarding 2obs a person can
e&er ha&e. 5any parents struggle to find the parenting style that's right for them as well as their child,
especially when it comes to discipline.
According to !eanna ledge, h.!., Rsocial typesR of encouragement and praise such as a nod, smile, high"
fi&e, wink, hug, kiss, clap, cheer and &erbal affirmations $can lead to a life"long lo&e of learning, increased
creati&ity, e0plorati&e acti&ities, research and critical thinking skills.% ?ther forms of social praise come in the
form of spending time doing something with your child that she en2oys, such as going to the park or going for
a walk together. #n contrast, ledge says, $tangible% praise or rewards such as money, cars, clothing and the
like, $can work against a child+s intrinsic ability to become moti&ated.%
4ere are some tips on how you can reinforce desired beha&iors, using positi&e discipline while fostering a
mutually respectful and cooperati&e relationship with your child.
3ncoura!ement and praise are important in different ways. Encouraging participation, effort, and
impro&ement can contribute to a child+s lo&e of life"long learning and intrinsic moti&ation, which can also
increase her willingness to e0plore O this is an aspect of confidence. From this, !r. ledge says, a child
de&elops a healthy e0pectation that she can be successful. raise is an important part of this
de&elopment as it helps a child to see herself as confident, recei&ing appro&al, and she is in turn, more
likely to repeat the gi&en beha&ior. airing encouragement and praise with one another will ultimately
lead a child to re,uire less e0ternal or e0trinsic moti&ation. /o, it's important to recogni1e and
encourage your child+s attempts to ride a bike without training wheels in addition to praising him when
he masters riding without your help.
#raise should /e as specific as possi/le. /pecific feedback is more meaningful and effecti&e and
can strengthen your child+s self"esteem. #nstead of always saying, $@ood 2ob%, !r. ledge recommends
offering more detailed feedback about the beha&ior, such as, $# like how playing so nicely with your
sister,% or $#t makes me feel good when you use good manners.%
#raise or correction should /e !iven immediately with re!ards to the /ehavior it's associated
with. This is especially true for younger children who ha&e a harder time paying attention for e0tended
periods of time or difficulty with self"monitoring. !r. ledge e0plains that by telling her the beha&ior is
positi&e or negati&e as soon as the beha&ior takes place, you are helping your child understand what
you are talking about more clearly. And for younger kids, keep the message clear and simple, illustrating
when possible. For e0ample, rather than saying, $!on+t pet the puppy so hard7% you can say, $(e pet the
puppy gently, like this% and take your child+s hand in yours and show her e0actly what you mean.
a)e a distinction /etween the child and the /ehavior. This means con&eying the message that
$# care about you but don+t like your beha&ior.% Again, this is particularly important for &ery young
children to understand. !r. ledge adds that you should e0plain to your child that you want to help her
do better in the task at hand and reassure her that you and he are on the same team, e&en though it
may not feel like it right now. By doing this, you enable your child to be more &ulnerable and open to
feedback without feeling attacked
"ehaviorHincentive charts can /e a valua/le part of the discipline process if done
correctly. 5any parents ha&e difficulties being consistent or make the common mistake of listing too
many items on the chart. !r. ledge has seen many busy parents unintentionally forget to follow through
with these kinds of charts, which defeats the whole purpose. But, to be successful, it is essential to
check in daily and accumulate your child+s progress at the end of the week. The key is to start small,
with one or two key items on the list, mo&ing on or adding one or two new things only once your child
has mastered the original list. *ou may need to go back and reinforce certain beha&iors until your child
gets it down pat. The promise of spending time together at the playground, letting your child choose
what game to play for family game night, or something else that your child finds appealing will increase
your child+s ownership of the chart. The more in&ol&ed the child feels in the chart, the more moti&ated
she'll be to utili1e it and take action accordingly. 6emember, the goal of ha&ing these charts is to
reinforce positi&e beha&iors, so it's important that children not recei&e negati&e conse,uences for not
achie&ing a goal.
>et your child's teachers involved in the process. #t may be feasible, !r. ledge suggests, to ask
your child+s school to get in&ol&ed and help with the chart while your child is away from home. Establish
checkpoints with teachers throughout the day and keep a copy of the chart in the classroom. Faculty
members are apt to be recepti&e, particularly if it in&ol&es respect, self"monitoring, and other beha&iors
that will help your child succeed in school. Another way to connect with your child is to talk to her about
her beha&ior that day in the car on the way home from school or to and from e0tracurricular
acti&ities. By the time kids are in upper elementary and middle school grades, they are capable of self"
reporting either &erbally or by recording how they are doing each day in personal planners.
>ive your child choices within limits. (hat should you do when your child wants something that
is not permissible, such as ice cream for breakfast9 $#t depends on how fle0ible you want to be,% !r.
ledge states, $but yogurt might be a close substitute.% *ou might offer your child one or two appropriate
choices such as' R# know you want ice cream, but that+s not good for breakfast. *ou can ha&e oatmeal or
eggs instead, which one would you like9R By still gi&ing your child a choice, e&en if it's not the choice
she wanted in the first place, she won't feel as if something's being taken away from her. /he'll still feel
like she has ownership o&er her actions. #f a child isn't easily dissuaded or redirected, a power struggle
may ensue, but you can always fall back on Rnatural conse,uences.R /pecifically, if the child does not
choose from the acceptable choices, she might end up being hungry that morning. The use of Rnatural
conse,uencesR often seems harsh, but if things progress beyond the child responding to the choices
gi&en, it can be and effecti&e way for children to understand the results of their choices.
3mpower your child to communicate and pro/lem:solve. (hen your younger child acts out or
throws a tantrum, it's important that you sit down and talk with her calmly. ut your arm around her. #t's
important that she sees and senses that you are not reacting to her outburst with an outburst of your
own. Balance out the emotional atmosphere with calm. #f she has ac,uired enough language,
encourage your child to use her words to e0press how and why she's feeling the way she is. Ask your
child how you can help her regain composure and resol&e the situation at hand. Knderstanding what
caused your child to beha&e a certain way can help lead to a solution and correction in the beha&ior.
-se punitive methods sparin!ly and with caution. /ocial isolation such as $time"outs,R remo&al of
pri&ileges and other types of punishment may not only be ineffecti&e, but they can also damage a child+s
self"esteem and physical well"being. ledge states that, $by taking soccer practice away from a highly
acti&e child, for e0ample, you are remo&ing an important outlet for your child+s energy.% 5oreo&er,
yelling, berating, blaming and teasing will not promote a healthy relationship with your child.
Along with lo&ing your child unconditionally, spending fre,uent time together, being a good listener, and
being a good role model, applying the strategies talked about abo&e can go a long way towards creating
happy and healthy family relationships.
!isciplining Teenagers
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The use of rules and conse,uences becomes critical when you are negotiating your way through the late
adolescent and young teenage years. 6ules, rewards and conse,uences may change as your pre"
teen'sSteen's needs and desires de&elop. 6ewards can be used to encourage your teen to follow the family
rules and beha&e appropriatelyL conse,uence should be used for breaking the rules and misbeha&ing. The
reward or conse,uence should match the misbeha&ior. 4itting andSor yelling at your pre"teen or teen are not
effecti&e forms of discipline or communication. These actions will teach your teen that &iolence and yelling
are appropriate responses to anger or frustration.
Disciplinin! your teena!er
*oss of #rivile!e5 A pri&ilege is a right granted by a parent. ri&ileges for this age group can be a
later curfew, use of the T>S&ideo games, or going to e&ents without a chaperone. #f your child misuses
the pri&ilege, he should lose it for a while. The loss of pri&ilege should correlate with the misbeha&ior.
>roundin!5 This action should be similar to the action you would take when taking away a
pri&ilege. An e0ample would be when your teenager breaks his curfew and comes home late. The
$grounding% action should directly mirror the misbeha&ior. Therefore, an appropriate conse,uence would
be $grounding% your teenager to a week of earlier curfews, or not going out at all.
Restitution5 6estitution means that there is a $pay back% or a logical conse,uence for a specific
beha&ior. The goal of restitution is to make good of a wrong. #t gi&es your teenager the opportunity to
correct his mistake. For e0ample, your child damaged the house while he was home with his friends.
6estitution would be re,uiring your teenager to earn the money to pay for the cost of the damage. This
could be through an after"school 2ob, working around the house, babysitting siblings, or doing additional
chores until the work would amount to the cost of the damage. This kind of discipline not only gi&es your
teenager the chance to redeem himself, but it is also a direct response to his action. 4e will be able to
see how the conse,uence fits his action.
?verdoin! Discipline5 ?ne of the mistakes that you, as a parent, can make is o&erdoing discipline
with your pre"teen or teenager. #t is important to $pick the battles% that will matter and that will create an
opportunity for learning and structure. !iscipline is not necessary for all misbeha&ing actions.
/ometimes it 2ust takes a discussion with your child, rather than an enforced conse,uence. (hether to
punish a young teenager is left entirely to discretion, but remember that too much of one thing can be
harmful. The point of a conse,uence should be to teach your child an important life lesson and recreate
structure, but it should not be a constant mode of parenting.
Tal) to %our (hild5 #t is important to maintain open communication with a young teenager. *our
mode of communication should not be only when you are disciplining your teen. #t is necessary to
remember that your child is struggling with all kinds of peer pressure, academic stress, e0tracurricular
re,uirements, and physical changes, among other possible unknowns. 5ake sure you are regularly
checking in with your child to see how he is doing. Qust making time to ask him once a day $4ow are
you doing today9% can be an important step in parenting. *our teenager needs to feel supported and
comfortable sharing his thoughts and feelings.
Respect %our Teena!er's #rivacy5 At this stage, your child is transforming from child to adult. #t
is essential to gi&e him enough space to grow and disco&er things on his own. This will build
confidence, independence, and useful skills for adulthood, while still under your protection and
guidance. ?ne way to keep you from crossing the line of pri&acy is to be aware of the common issues
that teens are facing today and to look for warning signs.
'andlin! "ac) Tal)5 This age group is generally when parents begin to hear their children talking
back to them or challenging their rules and ideas. This is a tricky issue to handle because you don't
want to s,uelch your child's first steps towards autonomy, nor do you want him to think it is alright to be
rude. #n a serious tone say, $# don't want you to talk that way to me. #f you disagree with me that's okay,
but you'll ha&e to do it in a polite way.% This sends the message to your child that you'&e heard what he
has to say, that he has a right to his opinion, but that he needs to communicate it in a respectful way.
This may allow for better communication in the future.
Teen Curfews' 4ow to /et Dimits but /et *our Child
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Communicating (ith Teens

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By /ue !ouglass Fliess
Kpdated on Feb 8C, :CCH
#f it's not already here, the day will come when your children will not want you hold their hands or kiss them
goodbye in public. ?ne of the hardest things for parents to do is let go and trust their teens to make good
choices, stay out of trouble, and stay safe.
@i&ing your child the freedom and independence to make his or her own choices does not mean you ha&e to
stop being a concerned or in&ol&ed parent. #n fact, ,uite the opposite. #t means being e&en more in&ol&ed in
your child+s life, only in a different way. A way that let+s your child know you are still there, that he still has to
answer to you, but he is free to e0perience life.
#t's a tough balance and many parents find it hard to know where to draw the line. 5ost e0perts agree that
parents should discuss rules, especially curfews, with their child, so the child understands why the rule is the
way it is, and can ha&e a chance to gi&e input. #f your child helps to create the rules, he'll be less likely to
break them and defy your authority.
Curfews are important because they set up reasonable boundaries to protect your family culture,% says
/usan 3uc1marski, Ed.!., author of 2he !acred 5light of the 2eenager" A Parent<s (uide to !tepping 0ac&
and 8etting (o. 3uc1marski says, $Teens hate fi0ed, out"of"date, and inhuman rules with a passion. They
want to be in&ol&ed in the process of establishing them.% /o, sit down with your teens and work together on
a list of specific rules for your household. @i&e them the opportunity to come up with ideas, add to the list,
and comment on anything related to each of the rules.
3uc1marski offers these simple rules for putting curfews in place'
8. #n&ol&e your teens in setting their nighttime boundaries. 6each an agreement together as to a curfew time
that is age"appropriate for each teen. Compromise if necessary. *ou don't always ha&e to be the Rwinner.R
:. Communicate clearly what the agreed upon times are, through written and &erbal reinforcements. This
means, post it on the refrigerator and reinforce with a &erbal reminder, such as' RDook forward to seeing you
around ele&en tonight.R And be careful how hard and fast you make that curfew. Allow for a small buffer,
perhaps fifteen minutes, so that your child does not dri&e faster in order to be home by curfew and a&oid
punishment.
;. E0ecute the conse,uences of broken rules. (hen she is late, gi&e her the freedom and opportunity to
comment and e0plain. 5aybe there were unplanned e&ents, like a flat tire, or a surprise party.Try to find a
solution to the problem together. #f a teen still breaks the curfew rule, let the agreed"upon conse,uences fall
into place. /ince you and your teen ha&e already discussed these conse,uences and set them up together
Ee.g. take away car keys, remo&e home pri&ileges, like T> use, etc.F you are not forced into the position of
playing the Rbad guyR or creating a punishment on the spot.
<. #f your teen has missed curfew because drinking or drugs were in&ol&ed, then the conse,uences are
more serious. /imply enact these more serious conse,uences that you and your teen set up together.
/ometimes it really is okay to say yes, according to !ebi *ohn, Counseling sychologist and author
of Parenting College !tudents" => 1inning !trategies for !uccess. But, Rit ne&er hurts to check on your teen
from time to time,% she adds. $#f your teen says she is going to be at the coffee shop at = p.m. with their
friends, drop by and see for yourself,% says *ohn, $*ou do not ha&e to e&en let your teen know. #f she sees
you, 2ust wa&e and keep on walking.% *ohn e0plains that kids need to know that there will be some
unscheduled checking by you. #f they are spending the night at a friend+s house, call and ask to speak to
your child at an unusual time. $arenting is acti&e, and that means you ha&e to make that effort to check on
your teen,% she says. This takes courage, but it is the price of making sure your child is safe.
!oes that mean you should follow your teen around or attach a tracking de&ice to his clothing9 ?f course
not. But as a parent, you should listen to your intuition. #f something sounds sketchy, then it+s at least worth
taking a closer look. But if you are open and honest with your teen about the rules of the house, there will
probably be a lot less sneaking around. And that means a more harmonious household. E&en if your teen
would rather 2ump in an icy lake than be seen with you at /tarbucks.
6esults of unishment
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5ost people who use punishment belie&e it will impro&e beha&ior. #n fact, it can appear to stop the
undesirable beha&ior because punishment may force negati&e beha&iors $underground% Ee.g., Butchart W
5cEwan, 8AAHL /traus, 8AA8F. This ,uick result con&inces many people that punishment is effecti&e.
4owe&er, e0tensi&e research pro&es that punishment is not an effecti&e way of correcting beha&ior Ee.g.,
Bredekamp W Copple, 8AAGL !odge, Bates, W ettit, 8AACL /abatino, 8AA8F. #t is clear that punishment does
not impro&e beha&ior. E&en if the action being punished does stop for the moment, worse beha&ior is almost
sure to follow. unishment creates seriously counterproducti&e feelings that are demonstrated in numerous
ways.
An!er and A!!ression
Anger is a common reaction to punishment. Children who are punished ha&e a need to get e&en, to assert
their own power after ha&ing been the &ictim of someone else+s power. Because anger tends to be
e0pressed as aggression, children often &ent their anger by hitting and hurting others. The negati&e feelings
inside these angry children ine&itably surface. 4a&ing e0perienced punishment, they ha&e learned from a
powerful role model how to gi&e punishment E!eater"!eckard, !odge, Bates, W ettit, 8AAJL /pieker,
Darson, Dewis, 3eller, W @ilchrist, 8AAAF. Children who ha&e been hit when they ha&e displeased a big
person are &ery likely to hit a smaller person who displeases them. This is &ery clear in the following
e0ample where 3yle seems to be echoing an adult as he tries to 2ustify hitting Qoshua'
Fi&e"year"old 3yle and ;"year"old Qoshua are working side"by"side with some magnets. 3yle decides he
wants the magnet that Qoshua has and tries to take it. Qoshua resists by running away from the bigger boy,
clutching the precious magnet. 3yle chases after Qoshua, catches him, and hits him to get him to relin,uish
the magnet. As /heri comforts the sobbing Qoshua, 3yle keeps saying o&er and o&er, $4e didn+t pay
attention. 4e didn+t pay attention.%
Children who e0perience other forms of punishment tend to be physically aggressi&e, too E>issing, /traus,
@elles, W 4arrop, 8AA8F, and they will ha&e also learned other methods of getting e&en. These kids might
call other children names, ruin their work, or take their possessions. /uch unacceptable beha&ior is then
likely to be punished, creating further misbeha&ior. This negati&e cycle is behind the beha&ior of many $bad
kids.% Knfortunately, many parents use punishment as discipline at home E/pringen, :CCCF. The teacher then
has to deal with the results at school.
5rs. Qensen chose her words carefully as she shared her concerns about Tony with his parents at their
conference. $(hen Tony doesn+t like what someone else is doing, he often hurts them.% Dooking concerned,
his mother said, $?h, dear. (hat does he do9% 6eferring to her obser&ation notes, 5rs. Qensen described an
incident. $(hen he didn+t like a classmate+s singing, he told her to ,uit it. /he did for a while but started up
again. Tony hit her and said, V# told you not to do that7+ 4e usually says that right after he hurts someone.% A
flash of recognition came across the mother+s face. /he knew where he got that line7 And the hitting, too7
/he glanced accusingly at her husband. 4e retorted, $That sounds like a normal kid thing.%
The father ,uestioned 5rs. Qensen, $(hat do you do to him when he hits9% The teacher e0plained how she
generally handled the situations, with attention to the hurt child and modeling alternati&e ways for Tony to get
what he needs. Tony+s dad leaned back in his chair and said knowingly, $*eah, well, that soft"touch stuff 2ust
doesn+t work with this kid. *ou ha&e to tell him not to do something and then 2ust don+t let him do it7 @i&ing
him a ,uick wallop works at home.% The mother stared intently at the pattern on the carpet, trying to a&oid
both the teacher+s and her husband+s eyes.
5rs. Qensen could tell she had touched on a sensiti&e area with this couple. /till, she was glad she had
brought it up. /he promised to keep them updated on Tony+s progress. #n the meantime, she had some new
insight about why Tony was e0hibiting such physically aggressi&e responsesL it seemed he was following his
father+s model.
Dama!ed Relationships
unishment also creates feelings of hostility and resentment toward the person administering it Ee.g., Faber
W 5a1lish, 8AAJL @ordon, 8AHAL Thompson, 8AAHF. This result is particularly serious when it damages
relationships between children and their parents. (hether the negati&e feelings are aimed at parents,
teachers, or other authority figures, those emotions get in the way of positi&e discipline teaching. eople
don+t want to be around someone who hurts them or makes them feel bad. Certainly, no one is eager to
listen to, or learn from, that person. /ome children merely withdraw from contact, and others try to get e&en.
@etting e&en takes many forms, depending on the e0periences and the personality of the child. ?ne child
may be openly defiant and rude, and another may retaliate through helplessness and refusal to try anything.
/till another may become a bully, using smaller children as substitute targets.
All of the abo&e responses to punishment are self"defeating, and all are only made worse by further
punishment. #t isn+t only relationships with punishers that are damagedL children who are punished tend to
ha&e trouble with peer relationships also Ee.g., 4art, ?lsen, 6obinson, W 5andleco, 8AAGL utalla1 W 4eflin,
8AACF. Because these youngsters use aggression to get their way, other children don+t want to play with
them. Being re2ected for hitting or sho&ing truly confuses the child who has been punishedL the e0perience of
being punished teaches children that hurting others is an appropriate response when they don+t get their
way. They erroneously belie&e that their aggressi&e beha&iors will ha&e positi&e social outcomes. All too
often these youngsters end up as social outcasts, e0hibiting escalating antisocial beha&iors in retaliation.
Dama!e to .elf:3steem
unishment also damages self"esteem because children get their opinion of their worth from how others
treat them E5iller, :CC<F. Being punished can con&ince youngsters that they are inferior E!e>ries, 8AAAF and
that they are bad E>issing et al., 8AA8F. Feeling like a worthless or bad person is likely to become a self"
fulfilling prophecy, resulting in further undesirable beha&ior. 5any children routinely e0perience &erbal abuse
at home, internali1ing the labels such as $stupid% or $damn brat% and acting accordingly. A child who is
&erbally or physically punished does not feel respected or &alued. Any kind of punishment attacks personal
dignity by putting the child at the mercy of a more powerful person. Additionally, many punishments are
humiliating, as shown in the following e0ample'
$Beep7 Beep7 Beep7 Beep7% sounded the intercom, as the library light kept flashing. The secretary had two
people on hold on the telephone and new parents at the counter needing forms. /he switched on the
speaker, $*es, this is the office.% The librarian sounded distraught. $#an bit /erge and then ran out of the
room. 4e+s somewhere in the halls, and # can+t lea&e the group to go find him.% The secretary responded,
$/orry, but #+m the only person in the office, so # can+t go look for him right now.% Deaning by the message
board, the custodian o&erheard the e0change. 4e &olunteered, $#+ll go get him.% 6elie&ed, she called the
library back and said, $@eorge is going to go look for #an. #+ll let you know when we find him.%
The custodian strode down the hall on his mission to bring in the wayward child. )ot finding him on the first
floor, he went upstairs. /till failing to see the boy, he checked the playground. !arn it, he needed to go set
up the lunchroom soon. (here was that kid9 Then he thought of the bathroom. /ure enough, there were
two feet standing in the back corner of a stall. $Come on out7% ordered @eorge. The boy fro1e, wondering if
the custodian could see him. $Come out now7% he repeated. The other boys in the bathroom giggled as
@eorge crouched to look under the door and demanded, $5o&e it7% #an slowly opened the stall door, his eyes
darting around like those of a trapped animal. 4is mind raced as his playmates, Ale0 and Tory, teased him
about being caught.
?nce outside the bathroom, @eorge scooped #an up like a bag of potatoes. 4e hauled the boy past the
library while the child flailed and demanded to be put down. 4is classmates crowded to the door to glimpse
the spectacle. 4umiliated, #an+s temper flared. 4e pounded on the back of @eorge+s leg, but the custodian
2ust held him more tightly and headed for the office, proud to ha&e successfully completed his mission.
!umping #an in the detention room, @eorge announced, $4ere+s your biter7% #an felt about one foot tall as the
custodian described the bathroom scene to the secretary. And #an noted that the woman listening at the
counter was his friend 3en2i+s mom. #an wished he were in&isible7
Knfortunately, this disrespectful treatment of children is not uncommon. The damage to a child+s self"respect
is immeasurable. The idea of mutual respect between adult and child is the absolute opposite of this
scenario.
Fear
unishment controls through fear EBrady, et al. :CC;F. This fear keeps some children from positi&e acti&ities
as well as negati&e ones. (hen they are punished without warning for something they didn+t know was
unacceptable, many children will tend to a&oid any new acti&ity. Their strategy is to use caution about
anything that might possibly get them into trouble. E0ploration and initiati&e are sacrificed to the need for
safety and security. Therefore, fear of punishment can hamper academic learning. 6emember 3ayla in the
asserti&e discipline e0ample in Chapter A9 /cared of checkmarks on the board by her name and of
classmates who blamed her for not getting marbles in the 2ar, 3ayla rarely initiated con&ersation or 2oined
acti&ities. The following e0ample of Beau and the broken bracelet shows the results of a different approach'
Beau+s face showed surprise as he held the two pieces of what had been /hayla+s bracelet, and 5rs.
Qensen could see that he had not purposely broken it. 5rs. Qensen acknowledged /hayla+s concern and
accepted Beau+s protests of an $accident.% /he encouraged each child to hear the other+s side of the story.
That e&ening, 5rs. Qensen called Beau+s parents and e0plained what had happened. /he made it &ery clear
that Beau had not been $naughty,% 2ust clumsy in e0amining the bracelet. /he discussed the concept of
making restitution and asked if they thought they could help Beau figure out a way to make it up to /hayla
for her loss.
A few weeks later, Beau arri&ed at school and handed a delighted /hayla a package with a small assortment
of child"si1e bracelets. #t had taken Beau those weeks to earn the money, buy the bracelets, and wrap them
up to gi&e to /hayla. 5rs. Qensen knew that Beau+s heartfelt $*ou+re welcome7% to /hayla+s $Thank you7%
could ne&er ha&e been the result of punishment. Beau understood the significance of his carelessness, but
he felt good about himself for making things right. 4e saw himself as a good boy, not a bad one.
/adly, many adults who were themsel&es punished, and suffered from the results, ne&ertheless use
punishment to control children in their care. They may reali1e that it harmed them, but that model has been
strongly imprinted on them E5cEwan, 8AAHF.
arenting' Best ractices for 6aising Children
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By Q. D. CookY@. Cook
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
#n studying characteristics of the parent"child subsystem, researchers ha&e identified two dimensions that
are especially important' parental warmth and parental control. They ha&e also studied how these
dimensions combine to form different patterns or styles of parenting.
#arental $armth and (ontrol
#arental warmth is the degree to which parents are accepting, responsi&e, and compassionate with their
children. arents who are high in warmth are &ery supporti&e, nurturing, and caring. They pay close
attention to their children's needs, and their parenting beha&iors tend to be child centered Efocused on the
needs of the child rather than on the con&enience or demands of the parentsF. 6esearchers see parental
warmth as e0isting on a broad continuumOfrom parents who show a high degree of warmth to those who
show little or no warmth. At the lower end of the continuum are parents who are re2ecting, unresponsi&e to
their children, and more parent centered than child centered. Thiscold type of parenting is detrimental to the
child's de&elopment. )umerous studies ha&e shown that children who e0perience cold parenting are more
aggressi&e, ha&e fewer friends, and perform more poorly in school. Con&ersely, when parenting is high in
warmth, children ac,uire better social and academic skills, and they show more lo&e and respect for their
parents and other people E5accoby W 5artin, 8AH;L arke W Buriel, 8AAHF.
#arental control is the degree to which the parents set limits, enforce rules, and maintain discipline with
children. arents who are high in control set firm limits on their children's beha&ior, and they enforce rules
consistently. They are in&ol&ed in their children's li&es and use discipline to pro&ide structure for their
children's beha&iors. arents low in control, howe&er, are la0, permissi&e, or unin&ol&ed with their children.
Dike parental warmth, control is on a continuum' /ome parents show a high degree of control, some only a
moderate degree, and others &ery little control or little in&ol&ement with their children,
(hen we look at parental warmth and parental control, it is important to consider their combined effects.
(hen warm parents use firm control, for e0ample, discipline tends to be child centered, age appropriate,
and positi&e. (hen cold and re2ecting parents use firm control, howe&er, discipline can be &ery harsh,
puniti&e, and e&en abusi&e. By itself, neither warmth nor control is sufficient for e0plaining the effects of
parenting on children's de&elopmental outcomes.
6esearchers also draw a distinction between physical control and psychological control. hysical control
in&ol&es the use of physical means to control children, such as hitting, spanking, pushing, and physically
forcing children to do things. sychological control uses guilt, humiliation, lo&e withdrawal, or emotional
manipulation to control children. Both forms of control can be harmful, especially when used by parents who
are cold or re2ecting with their children. ?ne study of Chinese families, for e0ample, showed that fathers who
used more physical control had sons who were more physically aggressi&e with their peers. #n this same
study, psychological control by mothers was related with increases in physical and emotional
aggressi&eness in their daughters E)elson, 4art, *ang, ?lsen, W Qin, :CCJF. Therefore, the effects of
physical and psychological control may depend on the parent inflicting the control and on the gender of the
child who is being controlled.
#arentin! .tyles
#n the mid"8AJCs, psychologist !iana Baumrind began a longitudinal study in&estigating the effects of
different styles of parenting. 4er follow"up studies, and the many similar studies conducted by other
researchers, ha&e strongly influenced how parents and professionals think about parenting. The research
has identified four distinct styles of parenting that represent the different combinations of high and low
parental warmth combined with high and low parental control EBaumrind, 8AG;, 8AA8L 5accoby W 5artin,
8AH;F. Below describes the four parenting styles in terms of warmth and control. Det's look more closely at
these styles. As we describe each style, consider what might happen if a <"year"old child is caught hitting his
sister. Ask yourself' (hat would you Eor your parentsF do in a situation like this9
Authoritative parents are warm and e0ert firm control. They monitor their children closely and ha&e clear
standards and high e0pectations for their beha&ior. They tend to use disciplinary methods that are
supporti&e rather than puniti&e. There is clear communication between parent and child, and the lines of
communication go both ways. Authoritati&e parents listen carefully to their children, and they allow gi&e"and"
take on disciplinary matters in a way that is age appropriate for the child. #f their <"year"old hits another child,
their first response is likely to sit with the child and ha&e a calm discussion about the incident. R(hy did you
hit her9R Authoritati&e parents are understanding and supporti&e ER(e know you were frustrated and angryRF,
but they will set boundaries for their children and institute appropriate conse,uences if the child does not
beha&e ER*ou know the family rule is 'no hitting,' so now you will lose your T> timeRF. The important point is
that authoritati&e parents are rational, consistent, and child centered in their approach to discipline.
?&er time, authoritati&e parents e0pect their children to de&elop the ability to regulate their own beha&ior.
Compared to other children, children raised by authoritati&e parents perform better in school, are less hostile
and more popular among friends, ha&e greater self"esteem, show more purpose and independence in their
acti&ities, and as adolescents they are more accurate in understanding their parents' &alues EBaumrind,
8AG;, 8AA8L 3nafo W /chwart1, :CC;L arke W Buriel, 8AAHF.
Authoritarian parents also e0ert firm control, but they do it in a way that is re2ecting or unresponsi&e to the
child. R)o hitting7R they might yell. R(hat were you thinking79 )ow you get o&er here right now7R Authoritarian
parents set firm limits and e0pect that their children will beha&e. Their disciplinary methods tend to be harsh
and puniti&e. 6ather than ha&ing a rational discussion of an incident, they are more inclined to lower the
boom immediately without regard for the child's perspecti&e. Children raised in an authoritarian en&ironment
may feel trapped and angry but afraid to confront their parents Earke W Buriel, 8AAHF. They perform less
well in school, are more hostile and aggressi&e and less popular with peers, and are less independent than
children reared by authoritati&e parents EBaumrind, 8AG;F.
#ermissive parents are warm but ha&e little control. They fail to set or enforce appropriate limits for their
children. ermissi&e parents a&oid confrontation with their children. Being too lenient, they do not re,uire
that their children beha&e in a mature and responsible manner. /ometimes permissi&e parents 2ustify their
style by saying they'd rather be a friend than a parent to their children. A permissi&e parent might dismiss the
misbeha&ior lightly ER)ow you know we don't hit, so don't let me see you do that againRF. At the e0treme,
permissi&e parents can become indulgentObeyond merely allowing their children to misbeha&e, they may
actually encourage or foster their misbeha&ior' R(ell, if he hit you, then you 2ust hit him back7R As their
children and teens grow older, permissi&e"indulgent parents may encourage or condone inappropriate
beha&iors such as skipping school, &andalism, alcohol or drug abuse, or se0ual promiscuity. Compared to
authoritati&ely raised children, children from permissi&e homes are more impulsi&e, perform less well in
school, and are less self"assured, independent, and confident in their acti&ities Earke W Buriel, 8AAHF.
Re1ectin!Hne!lectin! parents don't set limits and are unresponsi&e to their children's needs. This category
of parenting has two substyles' 6e2ecting parents are harsh and acti&ely re2ect their children, whereas
neglecting parents ignore their children and fail to fulfill their responsibilities as parents. These parents don't
monitor their children properly and may not notice misbeha&iors. 6e2ectingSneglecting parents may be under
too much stress to parent appropriatelyL they may not be committed to the task of raising childrenL or they
may be depressed or otherwise psychologically or emotionally una&ailable to their children. Children raised
by re2ectingSneglecting parents fare the worst of all. Compared to other children, re2ectedSneglected children
grow up to show higher rates of delin,uency, alcohol and drug use, and early se0ual acti&ity. They perform
more poorly in school and show other disruptions in peer relations and cogniti&e de&elopment Earke W
Buriel, 8AAHF.
#n her later work, Baumrind e0panded the number of parenting styles to se&en' authoritati&e, democratic,
nondirecti&e, authoritarian"directi&e, nonauthoritarian"directi&e, unengaged, and good enough. /he also
added two dimensions in addition to parental warmth and parental control. 5aturity demands are parents'
e0pectations that the child will show age"appropriate beha&ior, self"reliance, and self"control. !emocratic
communication is the degree to which parents ask for and consider the child's feelings and opinions. As you
might e0pect, higher le&els of each are indicati&e of more effecti&e parenting. 6esearch in this area also
highlights the problem of intrusi&eness, or control that parents maintain by psychologically manipulating and
inhibiting children. /tudies ha&e linked higher le&els of intrusi&eness with poorer outcomes for children and
adolescents. 6esearchers ha&e confirmed this finding in se&eral different cultures, although children of
RunengagedR parents still seem to fare worst of all EBarber, :CC:L Baumrind, 8AA8F.
Puality parenting is an issue of great interest and concern to all who work with children, but there is little
agreement on how to impro&e it. ?ne proposal in&ol&es re,uiring people to get a license before they can
become parents.
Teens and Free Time
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By am Dehman
Community Action )etwork
Kpdated on Feb :=, :C88
Today's teenagers seem to ha&e more time and less responsibility and super&ision than the last
generation's. #t's ,uite common to see teens Rhanging outR at shopping centers, fast food restaurants or
where e&er they can get together to sociali1e. Ksually, they 2ust ha&e fun and en2oy themsel&es, but
sometimes problems occur. Teenagers who are bored and looking for something to do are likely to get into
trouble and become in&ol&ed in unhealthy, inappropriate or illegal acti&ities.
The increased number of unoccupied and unsuper&ised teens in may be related to the loss of many family
farms and business and to the increase in single parent families. 5any teens in the last generation were
e0pected to share the responsibility and work of a family farm or business. They were super&ised, learned
important skills and didn't ha&e time to get into mischief. Today, most parents work away from the family, and
teens are left to occupy themsel&es . Also, single parents and parents who are both working are often
unable to ade,uately super&ise their teenager's acti&ities.
Teens need free time to spend with friends, rela0 and ha&e fun. They need to learn how to find appropriate,
healthy acti&ities and entertainment. Free time can teach them important skills they will need as adults.
Knfortunately, too much free time can cause problems. )ot all teenagers are able to find appropriate,
healthy acti&ities and entertainment for themsel&es when they are not occupied and super&ised. Following
are some things parents can do to help teens learn to be responsible, ha&e fun and stay out of trouble.
/et specific rules about family e0pectations, such as time to be home, chores and responsibilities,
etc. Allow teens to help make decisions about rules and conse,uences.
@i&e younger teens specific responsibilities and chores. offer opportunities to earn e0tra pri&ileges or
money for doing e0tra chores. Allow teens to spend money they earn on things they want.
Encourage older teens to get a part time 2ob. Qobs pro&ide and opportunity to meet people, learn
new skills and earn e0tra money.
Talk with older teens and encourage them to think about their goals and what they would like to be
doing when they are adults. 4elp them plan acti&ities working toward their goals.
3now where teens will be. Call and check occasionally, or ask them to check in periodically. #f they
are at home, ask a family member, neighbor or friend to stop by if possible.
Encourage teens to become in&ol&ed in community programs, recreational acti&ities and special
e&ents that they are interested in. Check into acti&ities a&ailable in the community, such as scouting,
softball, *5CA, camps, church acti&ities, clubs, etc.
)on&iolent Alternati&es to /panking
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!iscipline

>ery poor
oor
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E0cellent
based on 8 rating
By Dauren 3atulka
Kpdated on 5ay :;, :C8;
/panking is one of the most common disciplinary methods in America, with A< percent of parents with ;" to
<"year"olds admitting they+&e spanked their child in the last year. But it+s risky for modern parents to employ
such a techni,ue, insists 5ichael 4. opkin, h.!., an Atlanta"based ad&ocate for non&iolent punishment.
$/panking is really a relic of the past, when superiors punished inferiors corporally, whether by the lash, the
stockade or chain gang,% he says. $#n a society of e,uals where corporal punishment is no longer tolerated,
children e&entually come to resent being spanked and unconsciously look for ways to get e&en.%
The long"term effects of the practice can be de&astating. #n :C8:, Canadian researchers found that many
spanked children grew into adults who struggled with depression, aggression, an0iety, drug and alcohol
dependency, and a host of other psychological problems. #t can also de&astate the relationship between
parent and child.
opkin admits that some adults $put it behind them and ha&e a good adult"adult relationship% with their
parents. But he+s also $heard stories from adults who were only spanked one time who said that the
relationship was ne&er the same again.% 4e says spanking is a gamble that+s not worth taking, as other
disciplinary methods $ha&e been shown to be more effecti&e in the long run for helping children internali1e
positi&e &alues, rather than learning to fear authority.R
4ere are some alternati&es to spanking'
3mphasize lo!ical conse,uences. #nstead of spanking, opkin suggests a method called $logical
conse,uences,% which encourages children to take responsibility for their actions. $This method recogni1es
that responsibility is about recogni1ing that one+s choices lead to conse,uences. /o, to teach responsibility,
we gi&e children choices and logically connected conse,uences for those choices,% he e0plains. $For
e0ample, VEither turn off the T> now or there will be no T> for the rest of the weekend. *ou decide.+%
*ive in a democracy. #n 8AJ:, clinical psychologist Thomas @ordon, h.!, de&eloped a system to satisfy
the needs of parents and their children through acti&e listening and $#% messages. (hen a parent acti&ely
listens, he reflects on what his little one has said to him. 6estating what+s been said confirms the parent has
understood the message and the feelings behind it. #t also ensures the child feels &alued and heard. A child
can also use acti&e listening to ensure his parent is engaged with what he has to say.
$#% messages communicate information about the self. Each message should address the beha&ior that
causes a problem, the effect of the problems and the feelings that surround it. By looking inward, parents
and children a&oid accusing or 2udging one another. For e0ample, a parent might tell his child, $# don+t like it
when you speak loudly while #+m on the phone because # can+t hear your grandmother.% This is much more
constructi&e than spanking the child, or e&en saying something like, $*ou are being inconsiderate and rude
right now.%
(reate a calm:down zone. A calm"down 1one is a modern alternati&e to a time"out. 6ather than ostraci1ing
a child who+s beha&ed badly, sending him to a calm"down 1one gi&es him a chance to regroup and center
himself. A calm"down 1one should contain toys that can help your child rela0, such as books, stuffed animals
or art supplies. 5any parents also create a calm"down 2ar full of water, glitter and food coloring. Children
shake the 2ar and calm down as they focus on the swirling colors and glitter.
Knlike a time"out, parents can occasionally enter the calm"down 1one with their child. This ensures children
see the 1one as an area to regroup, rather than a place to be punished. The ob2ecti&e is to calm, rather than
discipline, at this point. /tudies show children can process the lessons you teach better when their brains
are calm. /ending them to a calm"down 1one primes them to recei&ing lessons about what they+&e done
wrong, and how they can do better ne0t time.
Iust say no. This one sounds simple, but you+d be surprised how often parents forget it in times of stress.
A firm $no% said in a stern tone of &oice while making eye"contact with your child can effecti&ely end an
argument. 6efusing to enter into further discussion while your child is keyed up is important. !on+t escalate
the argument. #nstead, wait until your child is calm before ha&ing a brief discussion about the problem and
any conse,uences.
5any parents spank because their parents did, as did their parents before them. 5any e0perts urge parents
to seek out new, non&iolent disciplinary tactics and break the cycle.
erspecti&es on !iscipline' The Effecti&eness of
)atural and Dogical Conse,uences
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By 6obert Brooks, h.!.
!r. 6obert Brooks
Kpdated on 5ar 8J, :CCA
# discouraged the use of spanking and # recommended an approach that focused on pre&enting or
minimi1ing the emergence of misbeha&ior in our children. 4owe&er, that e&en with a hea&y emphasis on
pre&ention there will be numerous occasions when children fail to act appropriately. (e must help them to
learn that there are conse,uences for their beha&ior. (ithout e0periencing conse,uences, it is almost
impossible for youngsters to become responsible, caring, thoughtful indi&iduals. #f we want our children to
de&elop these admirable ,ualities then we must use conse,uences that are appropriate, fair, and thoughtful.
But what are appropriate and thoughtful conse,uences9 (hile they may &ary from one child to the ne0t,
they should be guided by a couple of principles # highlighted in my first article about discipline. The first is
that since the word discipline stems from the word disciple, it is best concei&ed of as a teaching process. As
a form of education, conse,uences should not be linked to practices that intimidate, hurt, or embarrass
children.
The second guidepost relates to the function or purpose of discipline. !iscipline should ser&e not only to
maintain a safe and secure en&ironment in which our children learn the importance of and reason for rules,
limits, and conse,uences, but also to de&elop self"discipline and self"control. The emergence of self"
discipline implies that children ha&e assumed ownership for their own beha&ior so that e&en when a parent
or other adult is not present, they will still reflect on what they are doing and act in a considerate, kind
manner.
#n this article # wish to define the role of natural and logical conse,uences in promoting these goals. Children
must understand that there are conse,uences for their actions and that these conse,uences are neither
harsh nor arbitrary. Also, when possible, conse,uences should be discussed with our children in ad&ance so
that they can reflect upon the choices they are making.
Det+s e0amine natural and logical conse,uences and the differences between the two. )atural
conse,uences follow from a child+s beha&ior without re,uiring any enforcement on the part of parents.
)atural conse,uences should not be used if they place a child in danger Ean ob&ious e0ample is allowing a
young child to ride a bike on a busy street in which there is the possibility of getting hit by a carF, but are
appropriate in many other situations. ?ne common e0ample is when children argue with their parents that
they do not need to wear glo&es on a chilly day. As parents we often insist that they put on their glo&es. A
struggle is likely to follow. #f we become angry enough, we may fall into the trap of relying on arbitrary
conse,uences, some of which ha&e little relation to the current issue.
As an illustration, at one of my workshops a mother reported that she told her eight"year"old daughter to
wear a scarf and glo&es when she went out to play. 4er daughter responded that she didn+t need these
pieces of clothing, that it was not &ery cold outdoors. (ithin a couple of minutes the disagreement led to
screaming and yelling from both mother and daughterL the mother responded by handing her daughter the
following punishment' she was not permitted to go outside and she lost tele&ision for the ne0t two days.
This mother noted that her daughter often ,uestioned her authority and that power struggles were not
unusual. # talked about selecting our battlegrounds carefully and in an empathic and hopefully humorous
way # asked the mother, $(hat would ha&e happened if your daughter had gone outside without her glo&es
or scarf9 (as the weather so cold that she was in danger of free1ing9% This mother smiled and said, $)o,%
but then added in a more serious tone, $but my daughter has to learn that she cannot dictate to me.% #
agreed but suggested that she consider which issues warrant taking a strong stand and which do not.
This mother asked me what might be an alternati&e approach. # responded that if there was not the
possibility of her daughter free1ing, it might be best to change the usual negati&e script and simply say, $#f
you feel you don+t need your glo&es or scarf right now that+s okay, but if it gets colder out you can come in
and get them.% # added, $A natural conse,uence will be that your daughter gets cold. #f she doesn+t want to
come in and get her glo&es, # am certain she will place her hands in her pockets.%
# recei&ed a humorous call from this mother a few days later. /he said, $5y daughter seemed stunned at first
when # followed the approach you suggested. 5uch to my surprise and delight, she came in about ;C
minutes later and said that the temperature had dropped and she put on her glo&es.%
Another e0ample of a natural conse,uence was reported by a father who purchased a new baseball glo&e
for his son. The salesperson recommended that the boy rub some oil into the glo&e to soften the leather.
The boy+s father reminded him to do so on a couple of occasions but the boy said he would do it later. 4e
neglected to do so and in his first game using the new glo&e, he dropped two throws, in part because the
glo&e was stiff. 4is father wisely did not say, $# told you to rub it with oil,% a comment that would ha&e been
the e,ui&alent of throwing salt into a wound. #nstead, the father said nothing. #mmediately after the game the
boy applied the oil to the glo&e.
(hile logical conse,uences may, at times, o&erlap with natural conse,uences, logical conse,uences in&ol&e
action taken on the part of parents in response to the beha&ior of their children. Dogical conse,uences
should not be harsh, arbitrary, or inconsistent. #f logical conse,uences are too se&ere, such as when we rely
on spanking or demeaning words, children are more likely to resent us rather than learn from us. #f logical
conse,uences are arbitrary and inconsistent, changing from one moment to the ne0t, perhaps based on the
mood of the parent, children will ha&e a more difficult time learning right from wrongL they will ha&e greater
difficulty de&eloping accountability and self"discipline
An e0ample of logical conse,uences applied in a calm, consistent manner in&ol&ed parents who told me
about their 8C"year"old son. 4e was constantly late getting ready for school each morning. (hen he missed
the school bus, one of them dro&e him to school. They felt that their son was capable of getting ready on
time and that when they dro&e him to school they were actually reinforcing his tardiness and not helping him
to learn to be more responsible for his beha&ior.
They decided to tell their son that if he were not ready when the bus arri&ed, he would ha&e a choice' either
walk to school Ea safe, ;S< mile walkF or remain home and miss school for the day. They felt comfortable
offering this second choice since they knew that he liked schoolL a similar choice would not be wise if the
child did not want to go to school. #t has been my e0perience that pro&iding children with reasonable choices
lessens power struggles and increases cooperation. >ery importantly, they also engaged him in a problem"
sol&ing discussion that in&ol&ed possible steps he could take to ensure he would be ready on time.
E&en with all of this planning, their son was late for the school bus. 4is parents wisely adhered to the
conse,uence that had been established, not deterred by their son offering e0cuses and saying he would not
be late again. 4e ended up walking to school, where a notation was made of his tardiness. #t was the last
time he was late for the bus.
#n an e0ample in&ol&ing both a natural and logical conse,uence, a girl left her bike outside o&ernight after
her parents had warned her on se&eral occasions that it could be damaged if it rained or could e&en be
stolen. The bike was stolenOan unfortunate natural conse,uence. The girl asked her parents to buy her a
new bike. They responded in an empathic way, outlining a logical conse,uence. They told their daughter that
they knew she was upset that her bike had been stolen, but if she wished to ha&e a new bike she would
ha&e to buy it from her sa&ings. Although their daughter was not thrilled by this conse,uence, she bought a
new bike with her own money. /he thus learned an important lesson about taking responsibility for her
actions.
As !r. /am @oldstein and # discuss in our book $6aising 6esilient Children,% conse,uences should fit the
$crime% and as much as possible our children should be aware of the rules and conse,uences in ad&ance.
This $ad&ance notice% lessens the possibility of our children percei&ing rules and conse,uences as arbitrary
and unfair. For instance, a 8G"year"old, who was permitted to use one of the family+s cars, had a 8:';C a.m.
curfew on /aturday nights. 4e and his parents agreed that should he break this curfew, he would be
grounded the following /aturday night. ?ne /aturday the boy came in at 8'CC a.m. and e0plained that his
lateness was a result of his dri&ing se&eral friends home after a party.
4is father calmly told him, $)e0t time you decide to dri&e friends home, you ha&e to start early enough for
you to be home at 8:';C as we agreed upon. *ou know the conse,uenceL ne0t week you can+t go out on
/aturday night.% 4is son argued that he was 2ust trying to help his friends. 4is father remained calm and
said, $#+m pleased you wanted to help your friends but you+ll ha&e to figure out how to help them without
breaking your curfew.%
This father obser&ed, $# must admit that when my son said he was 2ust trying to help his friends, # came close
to saying # would o&erlook things this time. But # reali1ed that he had not li&ed up to his responsibility that we
all had agreed was fair. #f there had been some une0pected circumstance like mechanical problems, # would
ha&e been more tolerant, but what happened was within my son+s control.% The father added, $# think it
worked since it was the last time my son broke his curfew.%
#n ending this article about the use of natural and logical conse,uences as producti&e disciplinary practices,
# wish to emphasi1e once more the main points from my two earlier columns about discipline, namely,
corporal punishment presents many problems and that an approach that focuses on pre&ention is &ery
effecti&e. (hile it is not possible to anticipate e&ery beha&ior Eor misbeha&iorF on the part of our children, the
more we can discuss in ad&ance e0pectations, rules, and conse,uences and also elicit their opinions, the
more recepti&e they will be to understand and follow these rules and conse,uences. This process will
strengthen their sense of responsibility and enhance their self"discipline, thereby nurturing their resilience.
arenting /olutions' Bossy
rint
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By 5ichele Borba, Ed.!.
Qohn (iley W /ons, #nc.
Kpdated on !ec ;8, :C8C
The roblem
Red Fla!s
Tells e&eryone what to do in a dictatorial and inconsiderate manner, is o&erly controlling, doesn't listen or
consider friends' needs or desires
The (han!e to #arent For
*our child learns habits that temper her bossy streak, help her consider the needs of others, and channel
her pushiness into effecti&e leadership.
7uestion5 R# hate to admit it, but our daughter is so bossy. /he dictates orders to her friends and wants
e&erything to go her way. #f she doesn't temper her Ro&erly asserti&e spiritR now, she's going to end up with
no friends at all. /he's always been controlling, so how do you change a kid like this so she will be more
accepted by the human race9R
Answer5 Although you certainly can't change your daughter's core temperament, you can temper her bossy
streak and teach habits that will help her consider the feelings of others. A simple way to help 2ump"start that
change is to insist that she always ask permission before imposing her agenda on others. For instance' R#'m
going to play Chutes and Dadders. !o you mind9R or R# want to sit in the front seat. #s that okay9R Teaching
that one little skill 2ust may help her reali1e she has to stop and think about what others may want instead of
always bulldo1ing ahead with her own agenda.
$hy (han!e8
Bossy kids appoint themsel&es to be the ones in charge. They set the rules, choose the acti&ities, and
decide the game plan. And &ery rarely do they bother listening to their peers' or siblings' thoughts or
concerns. Although their dictatorial skills may someday be the makings of a strong leader and CE?, right
now these kids' bossy ways are usually highly unappreciated by peers.
Although you certainly won't want to stifle your child's self"confidence or willingness to take charge and
assume responsibilities, you will want to help change a dictatorial, domineering attitude so that your child is
more considerate of others' needs and more respectful of their feelings and wishes. !oing so certainly will
boost your child's Rlikeability ,uotientR and social success. There are definite ways to parent for this type of
change. *ou may see your child as a born leader, and she may indeed be the kind of kid who likes to take
charge, assume responsibilities, and get things done. But remember, a true leader considers others' needs,
hears where they are coming from, and has a positi&e goal that can benefit e&eryone, not 2ust herself.
*ate:"rea)in! News
Kni&ersity of California, Berkeley' 6esearch by pediatrician (. Thomas Boyce found that bossier preschool
kids tend to be healthier.
8:
#n fact, less dominant preschoolers at the lower end of the pecking order were
found to ha&e more health problems and to respond to stress with higher heart rates and a greater output of
stress hormones than their bossier counterparts. Boyce drew these conclusions through obser&ing and
&ideotaping si0ty"nine mostly middle"class preschoolers in eight fi&e"week periods. /o keep those findings in
mind. *our little dictator is more than likely to ha&e a biological tendency to dominate, and that trait may help
her stay healthier and handle stress throughout life. 5eanwhile, continue to temper that too"pushy spirit
when it comes to relationships, so that your child is also happier.
.i!ns and .ymptoms
4ere are se&eral warning signs that your child's bossiness 2ust may be affecting her emotional and social
de&elopment. For the most accurate appraisal, obser&e your child's interactions with different kids in a
&ariety of settings Eat day care, at the neighbors, on the soccer field, at scoutsF.
*our child dictates the acti&ities, makes the agenda, and creates the game plan.
/he starts to boss you and tell you what to do.
Things ha&e to go her wayL she plays only by her rules.
/he rarely negotiates or alters her desires to accommodate othersL compromise is unacceptable.
Friends don't return her calls, in&ite her back, or want to come o&er.
arents, coaches, scout leaders, or teachers label her RbossyR or Rdomineering.R
Clueless that other people feel pushed or slighted by her beha&ior.
The /olution
.tep 9. 3arly 2ntervention
+dentify why this is happening. *our first step is to figure out the reasons your child is a little dictator
so that you can find the best ways to temper her beha&ior and impro&e her ability to get along. Check
the reasons that may apply to your child'
Mimic&ing. *our child is used to being bossed around, so she's modeling what she's
e0perienced.
Receiving reinforcement. /omeone is intentionally Eor unintentionallyF reinforcing the
bossiness by labeling it as asserti&e, confident, or outgoing, or as a leadership capabilityL or
someone is 2ust letting her always get her way.
%xpected to ta&e charge. /he's assumed responsibility for taking care of othersL may be
hanging around kids who lack direction and need someone to Rtake charge.R
+nsecure. *our child is co&ering up for insecurities, low self"esteem, or perfectionism.
'eeds power. /he needs to feel a sense of power to compensate for being at the bottom of
a pecking order among family or friends.
Pic&ed on. *our child is fre,uently dominated by othersL she's attempting to e&en the playing
field.
8ac&s social experiences. /he really doesn't know how to get her opinions across in a
friendly way.
3oiceless. 4er ideas, feelings, and needs are fre,uently ignored.
8ac&s empathy. *our child is still in an egocentric stage of de&elopment or lacks the ability to
take another's perspecti&e or to think of where the other person is coming from.
Talk to others who know your child well to get their opinion, and make your best guess as to why your child
is so dictatorial. #s there one thing you could do to start the change9
%mphasi:e consensus. !ictators need to learn about democracy, so emphasi1e that in your home.
#n fact, enforce a new rule that for certain family decisions E&acation and restaurant choice, !>! rental,
which T> show to watch, which board or &ideo game to playF, all members should be sur&eyed. *our
child needs to learn democracy in action, so that she can apply it with her own friends.
%xpect cooperation. 6esearch shows that kids who demonstrate cooperati&e beha&iorsOsharing,
taking turns, taking into consideration the re,uests of peers, and so onOusually do so because their
parents clearly emphasi1ed that they e0pected them to. /o take time to spell out your ground rules for
sharing and cooperation and e0plain them to your child. Then e0pect your kid to use them. 5ake sure
you also emphasi1e why bossiness is not appreciated and how it turns people off.
?ne .imple .olution
Bossy kids put their agenda first. /o tell your child to use the RyouR word a bit more whene&er she is with a
peer' R(hat do you think9R R(hich game do you want to play9R R(hat do you want to do first9R That simple
tweak can start the change in your child so that she considers the needs and feelings of others.
.tep C. Rapid Response
Point out $ossiness A!AP. The minute you hear or see your kid bossing friends or siblings Eor you7F,
pull her aside and ,uietly point out what you see' R# notice you keep taking the controller from !a&id.R
!on't accuse. /tay calm.
Remain calm. !omineering kids can be stubborn and strong willed, and if you are headstrong as
well, the two of you may end up butting heads. /o pick your battles, reduce your lectures, and remain
respectful, so that you don't engage in a lot of unnecessary conflict. #f you are a more submissi&e type,
don't let this kid boss you around. (atch how you respond to your child so that you can determine the
best approach to helping change her dictatorial approach.
2each simple solutions to cur$ $ossiness. !on't assume that your child knows how to change her
domineering waysL instead show her a new response. 4ere are a few e0amples of solutions for
bossiness to help you get started. Then watch your child a bit more carefully to identify the problem and
then pro&ide a solution.
#ro/lem5 !oesn't share. .olution5 E0plain taking turns to your child, why it's important, and then
remind her of the e0pected beha&ior. RRemem$er, + expect you to share. +f there#s anything you really
don#t want to share, put it away $efore your friend comes. ;therwise you must let her have a turn.R
#ro/lem5 !ictates the game plan. .olution5 *our new house rule is Rthe guest chooses the first
acti&ityRL from then on, choices are alternated.
#ro/lem5 !oesn't reali1e she sounds bossy. .olution5 /how her how to turn a bossy comment into a
more tactful statement. Bossy' R(e're going to shoot baskets.R Tamer' R(hat would you like to play9R
Bossy' R(e're doing it my way.R Tamer' R4ow about if we try it my way9R
#ro/lem5 Knaware she's being bossy with a peer. .olution5!e&elop a pri&ate signal Epulling on your
ear or touching your noseF so that the moment her bossiness kicks in, you signal to her to turn down her
dictator mode.
#ro/lem5 !oesn't consider the other person's &iew. .olution5Turn the e0perience into a teachable
moment' R7ara never got a turn. How do you thin& she felt/) )9ou never as&ed 0ill what he wanted to
do. How do you thin& he felt/) )1hat do you thin& you can do next time so your friend has a say/)
)1hat will you do to ma&e sure Paul has a $etter time9R
!et a consequence if dictating continues. *our child needs to know you are serious about curbing
her bossy streak. /o if despite your efforts your child continues to be a dictator around peers, it's time to
set a conse,uence. R,nless you can $e less $ossy, you won#t $e a$le to have Matt come over. 8et#s
wor& on ways you can treat him more fairly.R
.tep D. Develop 'a/its for (han!e
2each nondictatorial strategies. Bossy kids don't stop to ponder what the other kid may want. /o
here are a few strategies to help your child learn to consider the other kid's desires. Choose one or two
strategies to teach your child. lan to practice the strategy at home se&eral times until she is
comfortable using it with peers.
,se decision $rea&ers. These are great when two kids can't decide what rules to play by, who gets
to choose what to do, or e&en who goes first. !rawing straws, picking a number, tossing a coin, and
playing 6ock, aper, /cissors are oldies but goodies that help make things fairer.
Kse R(randma#s Rule.R The rule is simple and works like a charm to makes things fairer' R#f you cut
the cake, the other person decides which piece to take.R The rule can apply to lots of things. For
e0ample' if you choose the game, the other person gets to go firstL if you pour the lemonade, the other
person chooses his glass first.
!et a timer. Teach younger kids to agree on a set amount of timeOusually only a few minutesOfor
using an item. ?&en timers, egg timers, or sand timers are great de&ices for younger kids to use. ?lder
kids can use the minute hands on their watches or stopwatches. (hen the time is up, the item is passed
on.
Compromise. !escribe what it means to your older kid' R1hen you compromise, it means you#re
willing to give up a little of what you want, and the other person is too. +t#s a less $ossy way to solve a
pro$lem $ecause each person can have at least part of what she wants.R /he should understand that
each person always has the opportunity to present her side, and when she does, she should be listened
to. That way e&eryone tends to feel more satisfied. Then look for opportunities to practice compromising
in real situations.
'egotiate. /how your older child how to work out the shared use of the family computer so that
e&eryone's interests and goals are met in a timely manner. R8et#s wor& together to ma&e a schedule
that#s fair for all of us and lets everyone get what she needs. 2hat#s what it means to negotiate.R
Reinforce cooperation. Change isn't always easy. !o acknowledge your child's efforts to be more
agreeable and be sure to tell her e0actly what you appreciate so she'll do it again. R + saw how you
waited to hear your friend#s idea. 9ou didn#t interrupt that time, and Alan appreciated getting all his
words out.) )+ noticed how you as&ed Juan what game he wanted to play. 2hat was thoughtful and
considerate.R
?ne #arent's Answer
A dad from Toronto writes'
Dectures and time"outs didn't do a thing to temper our son's bossiness. (e reali1ed that the only way to
change his bad habits was through practice, so my wife and # mandated fifteen"minute e&ening family
meetings. All family membersOyoung and oldOmust ha&e a chance to be respectfully listened to, and all
ideas had e,ual weight. #t took a while, but after a few weeks we saw a change' Qustin was reali1ing he
couldn't rule the roost and was actually learning to listen and think about others.
(hat To E0pect By /tages And Ages
Preschooler This is the de&elopmental stage when kids feel that the world re&ol&es around them, so R5e,R
R# want,R and R5y turnR are staples of their &ocabulary. Their cogniti&e capacity limits their ability to reali1e
that their bossy actions appear rude or hurtful, so be gentleL it's best not to discipline them for their
bossiness but instead to show them what to do. By age fi&e they gain a bit more introspection and are less
focused on control, so you can begin to encourage them to consider the feelings of others.
School Age At this age, children begin to recogni1e that bossiness has negati&e conse,uences' other kids
don't appreciate being told what to do. Bossy kids are likely to be re2ected by peers. ?rgani1ed sports
becomes a big part of daily schedules, and kids disco&er that their teammates don't want to be bossed by
another playerOregardless of her athletic abilities.
Tween By now kids ha&e spent a good deal of time recei&ing instructions, directions, and orders from
adults and may e0press their resentment by bossing you. !on't allow itL e0pect to be treated with respect.
E0traordinarily sensiti&e to being bossed by peers or siblings, tweens' fa&orite retort is R*ou're not the boss
of me.R
8;
Those peers described as Rcooperati&e, sharing, and caringR are more popular as well as happier
in their peer relationships.
8<
Bossy girls Eunless they're the Pueen BeeF are likely to be dropped by the
cli,ue.
Pay Attention to This!
Bossy Children Are Unpopular and More Likely to Be Rejected
,niversity of +llinois-,r$ana" +f you#re in need of a compelling reason to change your child#s $ossy ways,
here it is" studies find that one of the five reasons &ids are most li&ely to $e re6ected $y peers is that they are
$ossy and domineering.?? 7ids 6ust don#t li&e it when peers aren#t cooperative, helpful, or considerate of
others. !o $y eliminating your &id#s $ossiness, you increase your child#s chances for social success and
happiness.
Childrearing atterns and Children's /ocial
6elationships
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By . 4eath
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
The types of relationships children form with their peers ha&e been consistently linked with their parents'
childrearing patterns. Findings from Baumrind's E8AA8bF research show that school"age children of
authoritati&e parents ha&e more positi&e relationships with their peers than do children whose parents are
authoritarian, permissi&e, indulgent, or unin&ol&ed. The encouragement of children's participation in decision
making by authoritati&e parents appears to pro&ide them the e0perience needed to engage in thoughtful and
responsible beha&iors when interacting with their peers. According to 4art, )ewell, and ?lsen E:CC;F, the
beha&ioral control e0ercised by authoritati&e parents promotes their children's ability to use self"regulation in
social situations. The authoritati&e parenting style also has been related to children's beha&iors that reflect
empathy and altruism EAunola, /tattin, W )urmi, :CCCF and more positi&e social functioning with family
members and peers E.hou, Eisenberg, W Dosoya, :CC:F.
#n comparison to children whose parents are authoritati&e, children whose parents are authoritarian tend to
be less socially adept EAunola et al., :CCCF and more at risk for beha&ior problems. The social problems of
children whose parents are authoritarian ha&e been attributed to their parents' o&erly strict and often harsh
use of discipline. Authoritarian parents fre,uently rely on physical punishment in disciplining their children
and the use of physical discipline is often supported by cultural beliefs. The findings of Dansford, et al.
E:CC=F, howe&er, showed that physical discipline has a negati&e impact on children's de&elopment e&en in
cultures where this approach to discipline is endorsed. #n their inter&iews of parents and school"age children
in China, #ndia, #taly, 3orea, the Filipines, and Thailand, Dansford and colleagues disco&ered that the higher
use of physical punishment is consistently associated with more aggression and an0iety in children.
Children of permissi&e parents also ha&e more difficulties in peer relationships than do children of
authoritati&e parents due to their beha&iors that are typically immature. They often lack impulse control, and
show less social responsibility in comparison to children whose parents are not permissi&e EBaumrind,
8AA8bF. ?ther school"age children who tend to suffer socially are those whose parents are unin&ol&ed
E/teinberg, 8AAJF. Because children of unin&ol&ed parents recei&e low le&els of affection and often endure
high le&els of criticism and hostility from their parents, they are likely to e0perience problems in de&eloping
and sustaining friendships with other children. As early as preschool, these children tend to be noncompliant
and their noncompliant beha&ior is associated with peer re2ection during the school"age years EQacob, 8AAGF.
(hat's the Cure for (hining9
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By atty (ipfler
4and in 4and
Kpdated on 5ar 8G, :C88
#f we wanted to make a list of the things children do that irritate their parents, we'd find whining near the top7
#t's a beha&ior that e&ery child tries sooner or later. /ome children fall into whining and can+t seem to climb
back out. By the time a parent decides to search for ad&ice about handling whining, he is usually fed up.
(hen a child is whining, filling his re,uest probably won't change his emotional climate for long. For a
whining child, the inner weather is cloudy, with a storm on the hori1on. Filling his re,uest might gain a parent
a few moments of peace, but the child+s o&erall mood sinks back into a tone of, @+ am unhappyA soon again.
/ending a child off to his room or punishing him for whining won+t impro&e the situation either. 4e might
come back from punishment or time out a ,uieter person, but he won+t feel good inside. 4e will probably find
ways to balk, to stir up difficulties with others, or to 1one out. This persistent unhappiness is hard on parents.
(hen we take the time and energy to try to $sol&e% a problem, we parents feel insulted when it doesn+t stay
sol&ed7
$hinin! is communication
(e+d like to offer you a fresh way of looking at whining, and some interesting solutions to try7 (e start with
the obser&ation that, like e&ery other beha&ior children ha&e, whining is important communication. (e
parents wish the message would come in some other form""any other form7 But whining is news from your
child, hot off the press. The headline is, @+ feel alone* + feel powerless*A
Ksually, whining happens shortly after a child+s sense of connection to their parent or caregi&er has broken.
The ordinary things parents must do, like feeding little brother, cooking dinner, or talking to a friend on the
phone, can eat away at a child's sense that he's connected and cared about. For small children in a big
world, feeling disconnected gnaws at their spirits. They flash a signal for help, )+ wannaaaa
coooo&&&iiieee*) #t comes with a miserable e0pression and a body that can barely mo&e.
?nce a child feels disconnected, any small task can bring up 2umbo"si1ed feelings of powerlessness. 4a&ing
to get dressed when they want to stay in their pa2amas, ha&ing to brush their teeth when they'd rather play
with the cat, and ha&ing to say goodbye and go to school or day care can bring on whining.
A whinin! child has real needs
A whining child probably won+t be satisfied by the attempt you make to help, but he does ha&e a real need.
4e needs you. )ot 2ust the things you do. 4e needs to feel connected to you. ?nly a sense of connection
can mend that awful out"of"sorts feeling he has that's bothering him. Children are built to feel close to the
people they're with""close to their parents, their caregi&ers, their grandmas and cousins and friends. (hen
they can feel close and cherished, they beha&e with confidence. (hen they don't feel close to anyone, their
beha&ior goes haywire immediately.
%our child+s feelin!s won+t /e rational
Comings and goings, mo&ing from one acti&ity to another, seeing you busy or preoccupied with other things,
or ha&ing se&eral siblings who compete for your attention all eat away at child's sense that all is sweet
between you and him. *ou may actually be close and a&ailable, but sometimes e&en when we're most
a&ailable, children can't feel our lo&e or our caring, because the feeling, @+<m aloneA has already taken o&er.
4uman feelings often paint an emotional picture that+s far from the reality of the situation.
For instance, whining often happens toward the end of a sweet, close playtime during which you'&e done the
things your child lo&es to do. *ou'&e done your utmost to make things good, but suddenly, you ha&e a
weakly child, who says, )9ou never do anything + want*) #t's enough to make a parent feel, R#'m ne&er taking
you to the park again, if this is the way you beha&e7R
This happens because, at the prospect of the end of the good time, stored feelings of helplessness or
loneliness crop up and take o&er. The feelin!s are irrational4 /ut they lur) in the child+s mind4 and are
/rou!ht into play /y simple4 everyday moments.
%our child isn+t tryin! to manipulate you
(hen your child is whining, he isn't Rout to get you.% 4e doesn't really want you to Rgi&e inR to irrational
re,uests. 4e+s trying to signal that he needs your help. 4e has chosen something irrational to want, so that
you will say $)o,% he can open up bad feelings and cry about them, and you will offer him the connection he
is desperate to feel. Try to picture him saying, @+ wannnaaa coo&&&iiee,A but meaning, @Please say B'o<4+
need a good cry with your arms around me*A
%ou can help your child connect a!ain
?nce your child regains a sense of connection with you or any other member of the family, he'll be able to
take charge again. 4e'll ask for what he wants, without the Roor meR tone that would dri&e any parent nuts.
/o your energy will be well spent if you focus on rebuilding a connection with your child.
The tricky part about connecting with a child who is full of bad feelings is this' his emotional tension needs
an outlet before he'll be able to regain his confidence, his sense that you are on his side. Daughter, crying,
and tantrums are typical ways children release bad feelings. A good laugh Ebut don+t force laughter by
ticklingF, a good cry Ewithout upset or punishment from youF or a good tantrum Eparents don't lo&e tantrums,
but they are deeply effecti&eF will cure that gnawing sense of helplessness or aloneness that causes
whining.
Try fillin! your child+s re,uest once
A whining child does indeed need your attention for at least a moment or two. At first, you won+t really know
whether getting the thing he asks for will help him feel connected and strong again, or not. 4is re,uest may
seem reasonable to youOa drink of water, a snack, one more turn listening to his fa&orite music. #f gi&ing
him the thing he wants makes sense to you, go ahead and try it once. But if more whining follows, you can
be sure that the real problem is his emotional Rweather.% A storm is coming.
2f he+s not satisfied4 offer closeness and a clear limit
The cold tone that most of us use when we say R)oR ser&es to make a child feel more alone and adrift in an
uncaring world. #t deepens the RholeR your child is whining in. #f you can say, R)ope, no more cookies7 5aybe
tomorrow7R with a big grin and a kiss on the cheek, your child recei&es contact from you in place of cookies.
#f he whines some more, you can come back and say, R)ah, nah, nah, nah7R and nu11le into his neck,
ending with a little kiss. #f he persists, bring him still more affection, R+#m your chocolate chip cookie7 #+m all
yours7R with a big grin. Then throw your arms around him and scoop him up. At some point, the affection
you're offering will tip him toward laughter or a tantrum.
Both results, as odd as it may seem, are great for him. *au!hter4 tears4 and tantrums help dissolve that
shell of separateness that can enclose a child4 as lon! as you listen and care. After a good cry Eyou
2ust keep sweetly saying, R)o, 5ichael, no more cookies,R until he's finished cryingF or a good tantrum ER*es,
you really want one, # know, son.RF or a good laugh ER#'m coming to gi&e you big cookie kisses7 Clomp,
clomp, clomp7RF he will feel your lo&e for him again.
2f you can't /e playful4 /e attentive
layful moments don't come easily to us when our children whine7 /o if you can't find a way to nu11le your
child or respond with humor to his whiny re,uests, it will work well to come close and keep saying, with as
little irritation as you can manage, R)o.R or, R*ou need to wait.R ?r R# can't let you do that.R ?r, R4e's playing
with it now.R ?r, R*ou'll get a turn, but not yet.R Being &ery clear about the limit, and offering eye contact, a
hand on his shoulder or knee, and whate&er warmth you can muster, will help your child work himself into
the cry or the tantrum or laughter he needs to do. Children know how to release feelings of upset. To get
started, they need us to pay attention to them long enough to communicate that we'll stay with them through
this rough patch.
Allow for lau!hter4 tantrums or tears for as lon! as you have time and patience
Children whine when lots of feelings ha&e backed up inside them. (hen they finally break into a good wail
or thrash, they may be working through more than the frustration of not getting the cookie or the red truck.
They may be draining the tension from issues like ha&ing a younger brother or sister, ha&ing to say goodbye
to you e&ery morning, or ha&ing 2ust gotten o&er an illness. #n any case, children need to shed bad feelings
until they don't feel bad any longer. #f the pile of feelings is high, this can take some time. arents don't
always ha&e the time a child needs to finish the emotional task at hand. *ou may manage to listen to 8= or
:C minutes of crying, and then feel the need to stop your child. #f your child+s mood doesn+t impro&e, he
wasn+t finished. #t+s as hard to ha&e an unfinished cry as it is to be wakened in the middle of a map. 4e+ll try
to find a way to cry again soon. /omething inside him knows that it will be good to finish the 2ob. /o listen
again when you can. *our child will e&entually finish his emotional pro2ect, and make gains in confidence
that both of you can en2oy.
*istenin! time can help a parent )eep perspective when whinin! /e!ins
The hard part about trying the e0periments abo&e is that whining triggers all kinds of irrational feelings inside
of us7 (hen our feelings are surging, we don't think logically either. (e react, usually beha&ing the way our
parents reacted to our whining. The reactions we ha&e to whining ha&e been passed down through the
generations in our families, each generation usually doing a milder &ersion of reaction than the generation
before it. /o it takes some mental preparation to decide to mo&e toward a whining child and offer
connection, rather than placate him or punish him.
(hining kicks up feelings of resentment, e0haustion, and anger in parents. (e feel like we+re being
manipulated. (e feel helpless.3very parent deserves someone to listen4 over and over a!ainJ to how
hard it can !et to care for a child or children.)urturing children is work that stirs more emotions than
almost any other pro2ect we'll e&er undertake. /o finding ways to be heard by another adult who won't get
worried or try to fi0 us is an important part of our 2ob as parents. The 4and in 4and booklet, RDistening
artnerships for arents,R outlines how you can create a listening e0change for yourself, so you ha&e a
regular outlet for the feelings that build up o&er the days and weeks with your child.
E&en ten minutes of R&entingR with a friend, out of earshot of your child, will gi&e you a better chance of
mo&ing toward your whining child and connecting.
'ere+s how it can wor)5
# was playing with a mother and her nearly four year old boy, Qoey, in the sandbo0. A good friend of his,
/am, was also playing there, se&eral feet away. Qoey had played with a plastic construction helmet, and had
put it down. 4e was busy with a tractor when /am picked up the helmet and put it on.
Qoey whined, R# want the hat7 4e took my hat7R 4e sat and looked at his mom, miserable. /he got worried
and said, R!o you want to go and talk to /am about the hat9R and he whined, R# want you to go and talk to
him. *ou do it.R # in&ited the 5om to slow down the action, and indicated that she didn+t need to fi0 the
situation. 4e was clearly unhappy, and mad, too. A helmet wasn't going to fi0 the feelings he was carrying.
/he did slow things down. /he said, R?3, Qoey, we can go and talk to him in a few minutes, but not now.R 4e
was able to begin to cry. /he didn't try to pick him up or comfort him""he wasn't going to let her get that
close. But she did stay right there, looking at him, and gi&ing him permission to show his feelings. 4e cried,
kept saying he wanted the helmet, and then proceeded to dig his feet into the sand again and again, not
kicking sand, but pushing piles of it away from him and toward his 5om. /he listened. 4e cried and kicked
some more. 4e cried and pushed at the sand for se&eral moments, then he was finished. 4is face rela0ed.
4e asked her to help him with some other pro2ect in the sand. 4e felt satisfied, and together, they continued
playing. 4e didn't RneedR the helmet any longer. And his re,uests from then on were direct and confident.
Family Conflict and )egotiation
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By am Dehman
Community Action )etwork
Kpdated on Feb :=, :C88
Family problems are a normal, natural and una&oidable part of family life, especially during the teenage
years. There's nothing wrong with a family 2ust because they ha&e conflicts. #t isn't the problems in daily
family life that do damage to family relationships. #t's how those problems do or do not get sol&ed that does
damage.
The trouble with most family conflicts is that someone wins and someone loses, or in some cases, e&eryone
loses. arents and teens back themsel&es, or get backed into opposing corners and the original issue itself
often gets lost. The issue then becomes one of power and authority.
#n some cases, it is necessary for parents to assert their power and authority. Dike it or not they are legally
responsible for their children, and can be held accountable for their children's actions. 4owe&er, there are
many other situations in which both parents and teens could negotiate to benefit e&eryone in&ol&ed.
The R# (in, *ou Dose,R concept of problem sol&ing is so common in our culture that many opportunities for
resol&ing family conflicts are missed. )egotiation can often sol&e conflicts by helping meet the needs of both
parents. and teenagers. #t can also help impro&e family relationships by showing consideration and respect
for each person's need.
#n reality, issues are rarely black or white, right or wrong, or all or nothing. There are often se&eral e,ually
&alid ways to look at the same situation. #t is human nature for people to ob2ect to feeling that they ha&e
been taken ad&antage of or treated with disrespect, yet both parents and teenagers are often willing to
compromise if they feel the other is willing to do the same.
#nstead of getting stuck in dead"end disputes parents and teenagers can negotiate solutions to family
problems by searching for areas in which they can agree or are willing to compromise.
/uggestions for successful negotiation'
8. Take one problem at a time.
:. !on't try to negotiate when angry or upset.
;. /et a mutually agreeable time and place to discuss the problem. E/pontaneous problem sol&ing
discussions are not a good idea.F
<. Briefly define the problem using R#R statements, such as R# feel this is a problem because...R
=. Ask for other's thoughts and feelings about the problem.
J. Disten.
G. Dook for possible areas of agreement or compromise. ?ffer alternati&es.
Tips for Curbing *our Child's /wearing
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?neToughQob
Kpdated on 5ay 8:, :C8C
'earin! new thin!s every day
Children use swear words for many different reasons. *oung children may not e&en understand what a
swear word means and are 2ust repeating what they heard someone else say, or the child may be swearing
to get attention. re"teens and teens may also swear to get attention, or to gain peer acceptance because
swearing is Vcool+, to pro&e their independence, or to mimic a Vrole"model+ on tele&ision or in a mo&ie that
swears. be in control, and denying what once was taboo all are part of the child's life at this stage. Be
prepared, speak with your child, support your child and communicate clearly.
(uttin! swears out of your child's voca/ulary
-nderstand the source. (hen your child swears, especially in the case of young children, calmly
ask, $(hy did you use that word9% or $(here did you hear that word9% #f your child is looking for
attention and you respond with shock or anger you may e&en encourage this beha&ior.
.et an e0ample at home. ay attention to your own and your family+s use of swear words around
your child. #t will be difficult to e0plain to your child why she cannot swear if you and other family
members are swearing. #f your child+s swearing is a result of watching tele&ision or mo&ies, or playing
&ideogames in which the characters swear, think about limiting the amount of time your child+s spends
on these acti&ities
Tal) a/out swearin!. (hen you hear your child swear for the first time, e0plain that swearing can
be &ery offensi&e. #f your child is swearing out of frustration or anger, acknowledge those feelings and
talk about and model different ways he could e0press his emotions.
.et rules and define conse,uences. Be clear with your child that swearing is not acceptable the
first time it happens and e0plain what the conse,uences for this beha&ior will be in the future, such as a
time out for younger children or a loss of a pri&ilege like tele&ision or computer time for pre"teens or
teens. (hen it happens again, be sure to follow through with those conse,uences.
The Dowdown on Dying, /tealing, and Cheating
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Related Articles
The Dowdown on Dying, /tealing, and Cheating
arenting /olutions' Cheating
arenting /olutions' /tealing
ants on Fire7 (hat *ou )eed to 3now about Children and Dying
8C (ays to !eal with Dying in *oung Children
arenting /olutions' )ot 3nowing 6ight from (rong
Related Topics
!iscipline
!iscipline and Challenging Child Beha&ior

>ery poor
oor
@ood
>ery good
E0cellent
based on 8 rating
By our 6eference partner, ?neToughQob
Kpdated on Feb G, :CCH
Although lying, stealing, and cheating are all inappropriate beha&iors, they are also common, especially at
an early age, as children try to test their limits but are still learning right from wrong. As a parent, it is
important that you do not o&erreact, but that you do let your child know that each of these beha&iors is
unacceptable and that you yourself understand what is causing your child to lie, steal, or cheat. The good
news is, they usually do grow out of it, but they need your guidance and you need to know when to be
concerned and what to do about it.
-nderstand why they do it. Kntil the age of ;, children do not really understand what lying or stealing is,
and are not doing these on purpose. They might take something that doesn+t belong to them because they
don+t understand that they can+t 2ust take it. They may lie about things like ha&ing to go to the bathroom if
they are working on potty training, but do not understand the concept of telling the truth. From age ;"J,
children generally know right from wrong, but will usually only lie about small things, like ha&ing gone to the
bathroom before lea&ing the house or pushing a friend, and cheat or steal in small ways, like passing off
someone else+s artwork as their own. They still need to be taught the conse,uences of these actions and
why they are wrong. After the age of J, children know that lying is wrong. /ome things that can cause a child
of this age to lie include being forbidden from an acti&ity, ha&ing high e0pectations for achie&ement, not
being disciplined consistently, or not recei&ing enough attention or praise. arents of children this age need
to figure out what is causing their children to act out in these ways.
&now how to handle it. ?ften, when parents hear that their child has done something wrong, they try to
ask open"ended, &ague ,uestions to get their child to confess. #t is actually better to tell your child what you
heard and ask her what her &ersion is. #f she is under the age of J, she will probably confess and not lie
about it. #f she is o&er the age of J, your child might try to lie to co&er up her bad deed, in which case you
should punish her for the lie and the bad beha&ior. 4owe&er, in either case you should also get to the bottom
of why your child did what she did.
8ying. Children often lie because they know the truth will disappoint their parents, like ha&ing gotten a bad
grade on a test. #n this situation, it is important that you let your child know that what matters more is the
effort she put into it and not the end result. #f you know she tried her best, then you should praise her for her
effort but also e0plore why she did not do well. #f you know that she has not put in the effort, you should talk
about working harder the ne0t time. An older child might also lie about her acti&ities. /kipping school can be
&ery common among teens. *ou should be firm about house rules with your teen and e0plain that these
rules are in place for her own good. *ou should also make sure you are aware of what she is doing and
whom she is doing it with.
!tealing. The most common reason children steal is because they want to ha&e what e&eryone else has.
Although you should recogni1e that your child wants to fit in, this is a good time to talk about what your
family can afford or how your rules differ from other families+ rules. #f you don+t think your child should ha&e
something until a certain age or for a certain reason, e0plain your reasoning to her. *ou can also work
together to find a way that she can earn what she wants B by getting an allowance, doing chores, or being
more responsible.
Cheating. Children want to win, achie&e, and be the best, and will often go to great lengths to do this, which
can sometimes mean that they do it by cheating. Cheating does not only include copying from someone
else+s work, but is also breaking or bending the rules, e&en when playing a game. As with lying about their
academic performance, if your child cheats on her homework or classroom work, e0plain to her that the
effort is more important than the grade. /he is only cheating herself, because she is the one who is not
learning what she needs to know. arents often ha&e the urge to let their young child win at a board game,
but this is not teaching your child to follow the rules.
.et a !ood e0ample. Children learn from their parents, and your child is &ery aware of what you do. E&en
things like rolling through a stop sign, calling in sick when you are not really sick, or failing to point it out
when the cashier forgets to charge you for one of your purchases at the grocery store will teach your child
that it is ok to bend the rules and not tell the truth.
Reco!nize when to /e concerned. /ometimes, e0cessi&e lying, stealing, or cheating can mean that your
child has a beha&ior problem that you should be concerned about. #f your child consistently lies or steals and
does not feel bad about it, destroys other people+s property, shoplifts, skips school often, does not ha&e
many friends, or is deliberately mean to animals, you should talk to his pediatrician and the school
counselor. #t is possible that he has conduct disorder or another beha&ioral problem that needs to be
addressed. ?r, these could be signs that he has a learning or de&elopmental disability, or is being bullied.
These problems are not your or his fault, and with the help of the right professional he can o&ercome them.
4elping Children to /hare
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By atty (ipfler
4and in 4and
Kpdated on 5ar 8G, :C88
(hen children want something, their feelings are often passionate. They can be gripped by a desire so
strong that no other option will do. E&ery cell in their bodies is organi1ed to communicate that ha&ing
the $lue sho&el or the green $alloon is the key to their happiness""a yellow sho&el or a red balloon simply
won't do7 But as any parent who has tried to enforce sharing knows, taking turns at those moments is far
easier said than done7
#n this article, we'll look at why e&ery child has at least some difficulties sharing, and we'll suggest a policy
that you can establish that will mo&e your child toward being able to share more of the time.
(hildren love to share
Children actually lo&e to share. (hen they're babies, they like to gi&e us things, and ha&e us gi&e those
things back. (hen they're a bit older, they like to take the plate of cookies and offer one to each person in
the room. (hen older still, they lo&e the games that include e&eryone in the family. And when they are
rela0ed and feeling secure, children e&en lo&e to see someone else en2oy their fa&orite things.
2o $e a$le to share, a child needs to feel a strong sense of connection""he needs to feel lo&ed and warmly
accepted. (hen he feels close and emotionally safe, he's not so desperate for the blue sho&el or the green
balloon. 4e can wait for a turn. 4e has what he really needs""a sense of connection buoys him through little
disappointments.
$hat children really want and need

/haring goes hand in glo&e with being rela0ed and feeling lo&ed. Children ha&e a few &ital needs, and when
these needs are filled, they can rela0. They feel secure enough to play fle0ibly and respond thoughtfully to
the needs and wishes of others. (e all know that children need good food, good sleep, fresh air, room to
play safely, and access to at least one or two people who are committed to their well"being. arents,
warmth, food, safety. These are the most basic needs.
But in order to rela0 and thri&e, children need a few more &ital things. Blue sho&els and green balloons aren't
on this list7 5y list of what a child needs to thri&e goes something like this'
The daily opportunity to connect and be rela0ed with someone who cares,
Emotional warmth and welcome,
6espect for his intelligence,
Time for play,
Dots of affection,
Fre,uent opportunities to laugh together with others,
Fre,uent opportunity to cry in the shelter of someone's arms when hurt feelings arise,
#nformation about what is happening and why, and
Dimits, enforced without &iolence, that promote safety and respect.
Two main reasons sharin! /rea)s down
(hen children aren+t able to share, it's usually for one of two reasons. Either they ha&en't been able to
establish a sense of connection in the past few hours, or something has happened to remind them of hurtful
times in the past, when they felt afraid or alone.
$hen children don't feel connected4 they can't share
?ften, we parents don't notice how much time passes between moments when we can offer emotional
warmth and connection. Dife is full, and putting food on the table and a roof o&er one's head is increasingly
difficult. (e meet the e0ternal needs of our children""we dress them, gi&e them food, see that they bathe
and brush their teeth. But the time parents ha&e to create playful, rela0ed connections with their children
dwindles e&ery year as workplace demands grow and communities struggle to pro&ide safe and decent
places for children. For dual"career couples with children under 8H, for e0ample, the combined on"the"2ob
hours ha&e increased from an a&erage of H8 a week in 8AGG to A8 in :CC:, according to the (ork and
Family #nstitute. And this does not take commuting hours into account7 /o it's no wonder that children ha&e
their Roff trackR beha&ior spells""they are bound to spin out of orbit, gi&en the amount of other work we
parents are e0pected to do.
To a child, a sense of connection is like a tightrope walker's long pole""feeling close to someone keeps a
child in balance, so he can do challenging things with grace and confidence. (ithout that sense of
connection, his ability to function lasts only a few seconds. Knhitched from a close bond, he feels too tense
to share, too unsure of his own safety to take turns.
(hen a child becomes brittle, any little disappointment brings up lots of tears or tantrums about what he
wants. The child aches to be brought close, but he focuses on needing a blue sho&el or a green balloon to
signal his parents that he needs help.
'ow children si!nal that they need connection
?nce in awhile, children can ask directly for the closeness that will help them. They run to !addy and cling
to his leg, or they beg to sit in 5ommy's lap. But children often use signals that are less direct. A child will let
a parent know he's running on empty by wanting only what someone else has, or by wanting all of
something""all of the blocks, all of the crackers, or all of the long park bench. And sometimes, children will
suddenly want only something that is clearly off limits. #f you are a parent with a child who tends to signal
you in one of these ways, rest assured that there+s nothing wrong with your child7 4e+s communicating well.
4e+s saying, @+ need your help*A
$hy children cry so easily a/out the small thin!s they want
?nce a child feels he can't li&e another minute without a desired item, the feelings run high. 4e has lost his
sense of closeness and the safety that brings. 4e feels hurt, or e&en frightened. 4e tries to Rfi0R the feeling of
hurt that comes when connection breaks by filling that sense of need with a blue sho&el or a green balloon.
But of course, blue sho&els and green balloons don't meet the core needs of a child. 4e may cling to the
item he wants, but it doesn't do his aching heart any good. (hen a child gets what he wants, he may look
?3 on the outside, but he may remain brittle on the inside""easily upset and either defensi&e or unhappily
passi&e when someone else's turn comes.
Children cry easily at this point, $ecause they need to. They often actually set up chances to cry about
something they want, hoping their parents will know that they need to dissol&e the hurt that comes from
disconnection. Crying, tantrums, and laughter are the main ways children recover their sense that all#s right
with the world.
(hen an adult can set a helpful limit, and offer warmth and caring while feelings are high, a child can regain
his sense of perspecti&e. (hen he's done, he knows once again that life is ?3 with the yellow sho&el, or
that he'll e&entually get some time with the green balloon.
2t ta)es two to tan!le
(hen two children want the same thing, and they're both feeling connected and rela0ed, they share. They
can figure out something fun to do while they wait for their turn. (hen they're toddlers, they don't e&en need
to talk about the turns. ?ne takes the toy, and the other thinks about it, and then mo&es on to some other
acti&ity that pleases him. (hen children are older, they can figure out how to share &erbally, and are pleased
with themsel&es as they do it.
But when a child is tense, taking turns isn't his idea of a solution. 4e wants the blue sho&el now7 #f a second
child who wants the sho&el is feeling connected, he can ad2ust his e0pectations and find something else to
do for awhile. /o problems with sharing arise primarily when both children are feeling rocky because they
ha&e lost their sense of connection.
The limitations of adult:enforced solutions
(hen children can't share, we parents want to fi0 the problem ,uickly7 But fi0ing it""saying whose turn it is,
and timing the turns so they're fair, for instance""turns us into enforcers rather than connectors. ?ur
children's RneedR for the blue sho&el may be met, = minutes at a time, but his deeper need to feel close to
someone still throbs. /o he can't share without help, and he continues to need help, incident after incident.
(hen adults insist on turns and a child's turn finally comes, that child may defend his hard"won item with all
their energy, losing the 2oy of ha&ing it in the effort to defend his turn. ?r he may gloat that he has it,
upsetting the children around him.
erhaps another, more subtle difficulty with adult"enforced sharing is that while we're sorting out a dispute,
it's easy to slip into feeling like our children are immature, because sharing is simple7 But sharing isn't easy
for grownups either7 The reality of the human condition is that a parent might try to negotiate turns between
the children one minute, and return to the kitchen to continue a longstanding disagreement with a partner
o&er sharing the tasks of the household or who decides what the family will do on /unday.
# think the most compelling reason not to habitually enforce turns is that it focuses our attention on trying to
make things Rthe sameR for each child, rather than on connecting with each child. (hen children don't feel
connected to you or to each other, their disputes will continue, and run your patience into the ground. They
feel needy. )o amount of enforcement will help them rela0 and work things out with tolerance and good will.
#t can be smart to set up and patrol turns when you're in a public place and tantrums will undo your own
composure, when e0haustion pre&ents you from being able to listen to anyone's feelings, or when you're
working with a large group of children, and paying attention to one will lea&e the others unsafe.
But on good days, we adults can actually help children undo the tensions that make sharing an ongoing
challenge. A long"range policy that helps children rela0 enough to share well and often is this'
R#'ll be with you while you wait.R
(hen your child wants something he can't ha&e, and you come close and listen to the tears or tantrum, you
meet his core need to get rid of deep feelings. (hen you can manage to offer connection and company for
him during his upset, he may feel angry with you for not Rsol&ingR the problem, but he'll feel ,uite lo&ing
toward you when he's finished shedding those feelings. Crying, trembling, and ha&ing tantrums are
children's way of dissol&ing the power of an upset, so they can regain their ability to see that there are many
options that would satisfy them. (hen we stay and lo&e them until the storm is o&er, they ha&e the strongest
possible sense of security' )My ad loves me no matter what,) )My Mommy loved me, even when + told her
to go away*)
?&er time, in any family or group of children, e&ery child will ha&e the chance to be well"listened"to about his
wants and feelings of need. /hana gets the dolly stroller for a long turn today while Anita cries about wanting
it. Tomorrow, Anita gets the stroller while Qordan has a tantrum because he wants it. /hana had a good cry
two days ago, so she's rela0ed enough to want it, see that Anita has it now, and mo&e on to play under the
table instead. Each child gets your arm around them while they cry, and hears your reassuring words, )Anita
will $e through with it sometime. +#ll stay with you while you wait.)
.et a !oal of lon!:term fairness
(ith this policy, you don't ha&e to spend your energy trying to make things the same for each child in the
short run. A child who wants to ride the only tricycle in the yard may get a whole :C minutes while her friend
cries hard about wanting it. But the child who cries gets a caring adult's full attention, a far more significant
pri1e than the tricycle. And the child who has the trike doesn't ha&e to defend her toy""she can play without
fear that something will be arbitrarily taken. /he also has the opportunity to offer a turn out of real
generosity, rather than being forced to Ract niceR because an adult says so.
/ometimes, a child clings tightly to a toy or other desired item for days at a time, ne&er letting others ha&e a
turn. #n this case, you need to be proacti&e about the R#'ll be with you while you waitR policy. *ou let the child
know that tomorrow will be different')!am, tomorrow when Maggie comes to play, she#s going to get to ride
the tri&e first, and +#ll help you wait.) *ou know that when 5aggie gets there, /am will make a bee"line for the
trike7 /o, prepared to help /am connect with you, you get there first, saying, )!am, today Maggie gets the
first turn. 8et#s move $ac& a step so she can clim$ on.) /am then gets to ha&e the cry and the personal
attention he's been signaling for.
?utcomes you can e0pect over time
This policy puts lots of trust in the good nature of children. #t is based on the reliable, healing power of
tantrums and of crying hard.
(hen a child is listened to well while he cries long and hard about the turn he's not getting, se&eral
outcomes are often seen. #t can happen that the other child comes and willingly offers a turn, ha&ing thought
about her crying friend and found empathy in her heart. #t can also happen that a child cries long and hard,
and then decides there's something else he wants to do. Ksually, if his cry hasn't been cut short, he'll be
rela0ed, confident, and undaunted by not getting the item he wanted. #ts importance fades as the feel of your
lo&e seeps in.
?&er time, children whose feelings are listened to become much better able to make friends and na&igate
the intricacies of sharing. They become less defensi&e, less aggressi&e, they laugh more and fight less. This
transformation happens gradually, o&er time, but if you are listening to a child's feelings, you can depend on
good results.
An adult who will stay close, hold a reasona$le limit and listen to a child#s feelings can fill the core needs of
the child. *ou don't ha&e to rummage through the garage for a second blue sho&el or try to find a green
balloon 2ust like the one that /ally has. *ou simply need to listen while your child cries about what he wants
but can't ha&e, until he can tell he's ?3 and you lo&e him.
4ere's how R#'ll be with you while you waitR works
+ held a small parentCchild playtime for parents of children who were under three. ;ne little girl +#ll call Anna
was $rought $y her two parents, who also had her $a$y $rother in their arms.
!uring the /pecial Time portion of the playtime, Anna's father began paying full attention to her. /he
immediately began running around the play space loudly chanting RBaby7 Baby7 Baby7 Baby7R o&er and o&er
again. #t was easy to conclude that she was announcing the issue that was most on her mind.
After /pecial Time, another girl, whom Anna had totally ignored, happened to be playing with a red ball. #t
was one of three balls that were identical, e0cept for their colors. Anna went o&er and whined that she
wanted the red ball. # told her gently that she could ha&e it when the child was finished with it, and # said she
could play with the two other balls a&ailable. /he took in my answer, and began to scream.
4er father came o&er and held her while she curled into a ball in his arms, screamed at the top of her lungs,
and cried. /he went back and forth from kicking and screaming to sobbing and burrowing into him. # stayed
close, to support him. Together, we listened to her feelings, and now and then we told her she could ha&e a
ball, but not the one @inger was playing with. /he cried hard for about :C minutes. Then, she looked out and
saw that @inger had finished with the red ball, and was playing with some cardboard blocks.
Anna wiped her eyes, and, finally free of that load of feelings, went o&er and gently, thoughtfully entered into
play with @inger. The red ball was of no interest to either of them. They spent the ne0t half hour playing in
&ery close pro0imity, sharing easily and laughing lots. )ot once did Anna show possessi&eness o&er sharing
space or sharing toys. /he had had her good cry, she had gotten her father's listening and attention, and her
needs had been met. (ith her impro&ed confidence, she made a friend.
Effecti&e Communication with Children
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By . 4eath
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on !ec H, :C8C
#n addition to ha&ing a &ariety of strategies that are designed to moti&ate children toward appropriate
beha&ior, parents are best e,uipped to foster the healthy de&elopment of their children when they are able to
create an atmosphere of healthy dialogue. Effecti&e parent"child communication is the basis of positi&e
parent"child interactions and high self"esteem in children. Furthermore, effecti&e communication between
parents and children pre&ents problematic beha&ior and helps children understand how to interact effecti&ely
with others. Thomas @ordon E8AG=F de&eloped a &aluable model for parent"child communication that has
been used in &arious parenting programs for o&er ;C years. This approach consists of the strategies of
problem ownership, acti&e listening and #"messages.
#ro/lem ?wnership
3nowing when to use the techni,ues of acti&e listening or #"messages depends on the ability to sort out
Rwho has the problemR when a problem has arisen in a relationship. The ability to identify pro/lem
ownership pre&ents parents from blaming their children for problems that ha&e arisen in the parent"child
relationship or from belie&ing that parents must assume responsibility for sol&ing their children's troubles. To
establish who owns the problem, one needs to determine who is distressed by the situation. #f the child is
troubled by e&ents that ha&e occurred or are occurring in a relationship, the child owns the problem. (hen
the child has the problem, it is appropriate for the parent to use the techni,ue of acti&e listening to respond
to the child's feelings. #n situations in which the beha&iors of the child or e&ents in the parent"child
relationship are bothersome to the parent, then the parent owns the problem. #n that situation, the most
effecti&e techni,ue to use for communicating the parent's feelings to the child is a three"part #"message.
Active *istenin!
Active listenin! is a compelling communication strategy that consists of a &erbal response containing no
actual message from the parent but rather a mirroring back of the child's pre&ious e0pression. Basically, the
parent listens for, paraphrases, and feeds back the child's pre&ious message but the feedback is not merely
a tape recording of actual words bouncing back. #nstead, the parent listens to and reflects back Ein the
parent's own wordsF the feelings of the child as well as the content of the child's message the parent thinks
is being e0pressed. #t takes practice and commitment to be able to effecti&ely use the skill of acti&e listening.
To acti&ely listen to a child, a parent needs to listen carefully Eacti&elyF to the words the child is speaking
while attending to the child's &oice tone and body language. For e0ample, a child might burst into a room,
with tears in his eyes, and e0claim, R# hate my teacher7R Although the child's &erbal statement, in that
e0ample, does not con&ey that he is upset or what happened with the teacher, the child's &oice tone, body
language, and tears unmistakably e0press both feelings and content. A parental re2oinder that reflects
ha&ing acti&ely listened to the child might be R/omething happened with 5rs. /mith that made you &ery
upset.R
There are two main challenges in&ol&ed in learning to use the strategy of acti&e listening. The first challenge
is the de&elopment of an affecti&e &ocabulary, which includes a range of feeling words. RBoy, you're upset or
angryR might be a helpful response to a child in some instances but a child has a &aried assortment of
emotions that need parental responses. For e0ample, these might be' aggra&ated, irritated, embarrassed,
left out, proud, happy, great, and so on. The biggest hurdle to being effecti&e in the use of acti&e listening,
though, lies in the parent's tendency to usecommunication road/loc)s instead of acti&e listening.
Communication roadblocks bring to a halt the free flow of problem sharing, whereas acti&e listening
communicates to children that the parent hears what has happened as well as how children feel about what
has happened.
To de&elop skills in acti&e listening, it is essential that parents become aware of communication roadblocks
and a&oid using them when the child is attempting to communicate a problem. The use of communication
roadblocks by a parent results in the child feeling as if the parent has not heard, is not interested in hearing,
or does not care about the child's feelings. E&en when the parent a&oids each of the communication
roadblocks and pro&ides accurate &erbal feedback related to the child's feelings and the content of the
message, the child might not feel heard if the parent's facial e0pression, body stance, and &oice tone do not
communicate warmth and understanding.
-sin! Active *istenin! to Respond to Nonpro/lematic "ehavior
E&en though acti&e listening is a &aluable strategy for letting children know that parents hear and care about
the problems they e0press, this approach is e,ually effecti&e for responding to children's efforts to con&ey
their feelings related to positi&e e0periences in their li&es. #n response to the child who runs into the room
and says, R!ad, # hit a home run, today7R the parent can send the following acti&e listening response. R(ow,
you're pretty e0cited about hitting a home run. @ood for you7R
2:essa!es
As pre&iously e0plained, when the parent owns the problem, anA2:messa!eA is used for the purpose of
e0pressing the parent's feelings regarding the child's beha&ior. # messages are not blamefulL hence, they are
not you messages. This is the main ob2ecti&e of the strategy, not to blame the child for the feelings the
parent is ha&ing regarding a particular action or lack of action of the child. #"messages ha&e three parts' EaF
the feelings of the sender, EbF the unacceptable beha&ior of the recipient, and EcF the tangible effect of the
recipient's beha&ior on the sender. An e0ample of an effecti&e three"part #"message goes something like this'
R3elly, # ha&e a problem # would like to discuss with youR Eproblem ownershipF. R(hen # went into the kitchen
and saw the peanut butter and 2elly 2ars with the lids off, and the bread and milk not put away Eunacceptable
beha&ior of the recipientF, # felt frustrated Efeelings of the senderF because # knew that # would ha&e to either
clean up the clutter myself or ask you to do itR Etangible effect of the recipient's beha&ior on the senderF.
)otice that the parent in this case has not sent a blameful you"message such as' R3elly, you ne&er clean up
after yourself. @et in there and clean up that mess you made.R Children and adolescents are much more
likely to respond fa&orably to a parental #"message deli&ered in a warm, nonthreatening manner than to an
angry"sounding, blameful you"message. (hen children and adolescents feel parents are critici1ing their
personalities Eyou"messagesF, they feel put down and misunderstood by their parents. #n these cases, they
are likely to respond defensi&ely. The purpose of using #"messages is to e0press dissatisfaction with a child's
beha&ior, not to attack the child. /ending a three"part #"message to inform a child of how that child's
beha&ior affects the parent might sound as if the parent is telling the child what the child already should
know. eople in relationships often belie&e that others ought to be more considerate without being told,
should know how some beha&ior would affect them, and so on. E&en though it would be wonderful if all
family members could guess how other family members feel and act accordingly, that simply does not occur
in real life. eople in close relationships are continuously affected by each other's beha&ior and do all sorts
of things without considering the ways in which their actions affect the people they care about.
Although children's beha&ior is sometimes unacceptable to parents, the beha&iors of parents Eas well as
siblingsF often cause difficulties for children. Thus, it is important that both parents and children learn to use
effecti&e communication skills. ?ne of the positi&e outcomes of the parental use of #"messages is that
parents model for their children ways in which to e0press their feelings related to others' beha&iors that their
children find bothersome. (hen children learn to use #"messages, they ha&e a skill that makes it easier for
dealing with the annoying beha&iors of other family members as well as the beha&iors of peers.
#reventive 2:essa!es
@ordon de&ised the strategy of the #"message to pro&ide parents with an effecti&e way to address problems
that arise in the parent"child relationship because these problems are often challenging for parents and are
sometimes handled in ways that are hurtful to both parents and their children. #"messages are useful as well
for pre&enting difficulties in the relationship. As a pre&ention techni,ue, parents can use #"messages to
communicate their positi&e feelings regarding beha&iors of the child that they appreciate.
Det us re&isit 8:"year"old 3elly and her 5om on the day after 5om used an effecti&e #"message to tell 3elly
how she felt about things being left out in the kitchen. The ne0t day, 3elly is sitting in the li&ing room eating
her usual after"school peanut butter and 2elly sandwich and drinking a glass of milk. 5om comes in the door
and 3elly, who has a big smile on her face, says R4i, 5om.R 3elly watches as 5om goes into the kitchen,
because she has cleaned up after herself and is hoping 5om will notice. (hen 5om enters the kitchen and
sees that the bread, peanut butter, 2elly, and milk ha&e all been put away, she goes back into the li&ing room.
(ith a warm smile, she sends her daughter a positi&e three"part #"message' R3elly, when # went into the
kitchen, # noticed that you had put away all the things you used to make your snack, and that you cleaned
the counter as well Ebeha&iors on the part of the recipient that ha&e not caused a problemF, # was so pleased
Efeelings of the senderF. # really appreciate your cleaning up after yourself because that makes things easier
for meR Etangible effect of child's beha&ior on the motherF.
As a final point, when parents use #"messages to address or pre&ent problems, it is important that they ha&e
a friendly facial e0pression, a warm &oice tone, and nonthreatening body language. Furthermore, it is
essential that the message be specific regarding the beha&ior in ,uestion. Children and adolescents are
often confused about what parents are trying to tell them because parents sometimes talk in generalities to
their children with statements such as, R# want you to clean up after yourself,R which could mean a &ariety of
things. An effecti&e #"message, on the other hand, does not threaten or attack the child nor does it confuse
the child. #n the case of the pre&enti&e #"message, the parent actually affirms the child. E&en when no
problem has occurred in a particular area, parents might send #"messages to pre&ent unacceptable beha&ior
in the future. An e0ample of a pre&enti&e #"message is, R# like to know where you are when school is out so
that # know that you are okay.R
Research Findin!s .howin! the Balue of 3ffective #arent:(hild (ommunication
Effecti&e parent"child communication impacts the de&elopment of children in a &ariety of ways at all
de&elopmental le&els. An interesting illustration of the influence of parent"child communication patterns is
that these &erbal patterns are often reflected in the dialogues their children ha&e with siblings and friends
E(oodward W 5arkman, 8AAHF. The ,uality of parent"child &erbal e0changes also affects children's
de&elopmental outcomes. For instance, open &ersus problem parent"child communication has been found to
be related to children's higher self"esteem and more positi&e copping strategies EQackson, Bi2stra, ?ostra, W
Bosnia, 8AAHF. Qust as effecti&e parent"child communication is linked to positi&e child outcomes, ineffecti&e
parent"child communication is associated with problems in the parent"child relationship. For instance, Arnett
E:CC<F suggests that some of the arguments that occur between parents and their adolescent children might
stem from une0pressed parental concerns. Furthermore, researchers ha&e found that when gi&en the
opportunity, children and adolescents are willing to talk to parents. As a case in point, 6ichardson E:CC<F
found that most young adolescents were able to identify topics they would like to discuss with their parents
including their unhappiness with parental conflict, desire for more closeness to their parents, and struggles
with autonomy.
(hat is !e&elopmental !iscipline9
rint
(ollect 2t@
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By B. 3aiserYQ./. 6asminsky
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on )o& 8, :C8C
Based on attachment theory, the low"control classroom management techni,ue known as developmental
disciplineE(atson, :CC;F emphasi1es the need for teachers to'
Form warm and supporti&e relationships with and among their students
4elp their students understand the reasons behind classroom rules and e0pectations
Teach any rele&ant skills the student might be lacking
Engage students in a collaborati&e, problem"sol&ing process aimed at stopping misbeha&ior
Kse nonpuniti&e ways to e0ternally control student beha&ior when necessary Ep. <F
This approach takes a great deal of time and effort, and at first a teacher may ,uestion whether it's worth it.
But when you perse&ere and you and your students become more proficient at both talking and listening,
e&erything will begin to fall into place. *ou will succeed in getting your class to care about you, each other,
and learning, and you will get your time back.
!e&elopmental discipline assumes that a child's relationship with his caregi&ers, including his teachers,
pro&ides the basis for his de&elopment. (hen those relationships are sensiti&e and responsi&e from the
start, the child becomes securely attached and learns to regulate his emotions, ha&e confidence in himself,
trust other people, and accept support and guidance. #n contrast, a child who e0periences unresponsi&e or
re2ecting caregi&ing early in life forms an insecure attachment, and with it a mistrust of himself and e&eryone
around him. 4e is liable to ha&e low self"esteem and difficulty controlling his feelings and beha&iorL and he
doesn't belie&e that adults will pro&ide the care and support he needs.
For teachers, being able to like students with challenging beha&iorOto accept them unconditionallyOis a
key piece of de&elopmental discipline. Because such students don't trust adults and consider themsel&es
unworthy of care, they will test a teacher's caring again and again. Dike other children, they need and desire
caring, trusting relationships with adults, but they often use inappropriate means to make these connections.
#n fact, they may regard a teacher's efforts to teach and guide them as a way to control or coerce them
E(atson, :CC;F. A teacher must o&ercome this opposition and, without diminishing the child's autonomy,
establish a caring and trusting relationship in order to help him learn the prosocial and emotional skills he
needs. 6ewards and punishment won't workOthey 2ust confirm the student's &iew that relationships are
about manipulation E(atson, :CC;F.
/o how do you help students who need adult inter&ention but resist it in any form9 Furthermore, how do you
pro&ide it respectfully and without punishment9 Because de&elopmental discipline sees challenging beha&ior
as the result of mistrust and missing skills, a teacher's first response is to figure out why the student could
not do the right thing. As Alfie 3ohn E8AAJF puts it' R?ur point of departure should always be this' How can
we wor& with students to solve this pro$lem/ How can we turn this into a chance to help them learn/R Ep.
8:8F. This process in&ol&es lots of talking, reasoning, and negotiating, with students fully engaged in both
problem sol&ing and planning to pre&ent the reappearance of challenging beha&ior. ?nce the teacher has
disco&ered what the child needs, she knows what and how to pro&ide help"that is, to teach.
Qust as you can use scaffoldingOfurnishing assistance that enables students to learn skills and concepts
that might otherwise be 2ust slightly out of reachOto teach academic sub2ects, you can use it to teach social,
emotional, and beha&ior skills. A caring, cooperati&e social conte0t, where students know what's e0pected,
supplies the foundation for all scaffolding, and teachers can supplement it with support that meets indi&idual
needs.
After a student and his teacher ha&e resol&ed a conflict and created a plan, a teacher often
uses reminders or private signalsOa glance, a frown, a few wordsOthat redirect the child to the task at hand
or remind him of an agreement they'&e reached together. These gestures aren't threatsL on the contrary,
they're gi&en in a helpful spirit and imply that the teacher and the student understand one another. 5ichael
bumps into Andrew as the class is gathering to go to the gym. Andrew raises his hand as if to push 5ichael
back, but the teacher catches his eye and touches her ear, using their special signal to remind him to use
words rather than physical force. Andrew puts down his arm and turns to face the door.
But sometimes students with challenging beha&ior construe a reminder as a menace to their autonomy, and
in that case it may be wise to a&oid confrontation. #nstead, you can make a clear re,uest, ignore the
student's defiant attitude, and withdraw, implying that you belie&e he will choose to do what you'&e asked.
(hen you gi&e him time and space, he may well repay your trust by complying, but if you stand o&er him,
waiting for him to obey, he may see you as a threat, interpret the situation as a win"lose proposition, and act
out to sa&e face. *ou may also literally gi&e students time and space, for e0ample, by sending them to run
an errand or get a drink of water, to help them learn to compose themsel&es and practice self"control.
!e&elopmental discipline also suggests teaching self-tal& to enable students to take charge of their own
beha&ior. (hen they can analy1e a situation and talk to themsel&es about itOgi&e themsel&es instructions in
their mindsOthey can choose what to do, rather than act on impulse E(atson, :CC;F.
(hen these methods fail and beha&ior spirals out of control, you may need to ask a student to reflectOto
think about the harm he's done and come up with a plan to repair itOor to retire to a ,uiet spot in the
classroom to write a reflection, perhaps from the point of &iew of a witness to the e&ent or a child who was
hurt. The idea here is to help students de&elop empathy, teach moral &alues, and Rinternali1e the language
and concepts related to self"control and proper school beha&iorR E(atson, :CC;, p. 8JAF. Before you use this
option, be sure to discuss it with your students so that they understand the purpose for it and it doesn't seem
like punishment. Follow up with a one"an"one con&ersation about the reflection and other strategies the
student can try the ne0t time.
*our relationship with a student with problem beha&ior is tested each time he beha&es inappropriately. *ou
can protect this relationship by softening the use of power as much as possible, preser&ing the child's sense
that he is competent, cared for, and autonomous E(atson, /olomon, Battistich, /chaps, and /olomon,
8AHAF. #t is also helpful to show empathy for his situation ER# know it makes you angry and it's hard to react
calmly when someone insults you, but it's not okay to ruin his workRFL to attribute the best possible moti&es to
him when he loses control E''#'m sure you and atrick were talking about the Ci&il (ar, but when you and #
are talking at the same time no one can hearRFL and to offer the student a choice ER(ould you rather take a
break at your desk or read a maga1ine at the back of the room9RF.
arenting /olutions' Kngrateful
rint
(ollect 2t@
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By 5ichele Borba, Ed.!.
Qohn (iley W /ons, #nc.
Kpdated on !ec ;8, :C8C
The roblem
Red Fla!s
#s unaware of or insensiti&e to simple gestures of generosity, financial support, or kindnessL is
unappreciati&e of what he hasL needs constant reminders to say thank youL is obli&ious of simple e&eryday
2oys
The (han!e to #arent For
*our child learns habits that nurture gratitude, appreciation, and charity, and becomes more appreciati&e of
his e&eryday blessings that surround him.
7uestion5 R# try to gi&e our son e&erything he needs, but instead of being grateful, he only seems to want
more. #s there something # can do to help him be more appreciati&e9R
Answer5 3ids' spirits of gratitude are de&eloped through real e0periences that help them see how
appreciati&e others are for his kind gestures. /o put away that wallet and find opportunities for your child to
gi&e to others so that he can feel and appreciate the recipient's gratitude. 4e might take homemade cookies
to a nursing home, rake lea&es for an elderly neighbor, deli&er children's books to a pediatric ward, &isit a
lonely relati&e or friend. #nsist that at least one day a week, your child is the gi&er instead of the getter. That
one little switch may do wonders for raising his gratitude ,uotient.
$hy (han!e8
?f course we want our kids to be happy, and we like being able to gi&e them what they want. But ha&e you
noticed that sometimes our best intentions backfire9 #nstead of our kids being grateful for what they are
gi&en, they are disappointed, or always seem to want RmoreR9 #n all fairness, there are a number of factors
that work against our kids' being appreciati&e of the good things in life. For starters' relentless consumption"
dri&en media that push kid to think they need moreL a fast"paced lifestyle that lea&es little time to help kids
count their blessingsL and the sometimes o&erwhelming impact of troubling news that focuses on the bad
parts of life instead of helping kids appreciate the good. ?r sometimes it's our guilt for not being home
enough or our competiti&e instincts that compel us to keep up with the Qoneses that dri&e us to la&ish our
kids with the latest and best of e&erything.
*ate:"rea)in! News
,niversity of California at avis and ,niversity of Miami"
6esearchers find that being thankful may be the key to increasing your child's happiness and well"
being.
A;
*ou read that correctly. For the past ten years, two professors, 6obert Emmons and 5ichael
5cCullough, studied se&eral hundred people who were in&ol&ed in their simple gratitude e0periments. ?ne
ten"week study asked the participants to use a 2ournal four days a week to write down fi&e things they were
grateful for that had happened in the pre&ious week. A second group of participants was asked to list ways
they were better off than others as a way to appreciate their blessings. The psychologists then looked at
medical and psychological tests of each participant prior to the study and then again ten weeks later. Those
simple gratitude e0ercises made those participants feel := percent happier. But that's not all' they felt better
about their li&es, slept better, and felt healthier and less stressedL they were also more optimistic about the
future, less materialistic, and more likely to help others. Those results were not hard to achie&e. Better yet,
you can help your child reap similar benefits 2ust by encouraging him to use some of the gratitude rituals
listed later in this entry.
(hate&er the cause, there is one crucial reason we must change for our kids' sake. Compelling research
now pro&es that the happiest children are the ones who feel a sense of appreciation for lifeOand that's
regardless of their wealth or personal circumstances. Those studies show that because kids feel grateful,
they are actually more 2oyful, determined, optimistic, and resilientL less stressedL and e&en healthier. /o if
you hope your child can achie&e these traits Eand what parent doesn'tF, then you must replace any hint of an
ungrateful attitude with gratitude. The good news is that there are also simple pro&en strategies to make that
change happen for your child.
?ne .imple .olution
(riting thank"you notes is a simple, pro&en way to boost gratitude, but to help your kids understand that you
e0pect them to use that practice, enforce one simple family rule' )9ou must write the than&-you note first,
and then you may use the gift.) A young child can dictate his comments and only needs to sign his name.
/chool"age kids should use this rule from the Eti,uette and Deadership #nstitute in Athens, @eorgia' the total
number of sentences in a thank"you note should be half the child's age.
A<
/o a ten"year"old should be
e0pected to write a minimum of fi&e complete sentences.
.i!ns and .ymptoms
4ere are the top nine symptoms of ingratitude in kids. E&ery kid slips e&ery now and then, but how many
signs are typical of your child's daily beha&ior9
0ad manners" needs constant reminders to say thank you or show his appreciation
%nvy" wants what others ha&e, en&ies others' possessions
8ac& of appreciation" takes for granted your daily kind and thoughtful gestures
Huge sense of entitlement" feels he deser&es to ha&e lu0uries or pri&ileges
issatisfaction" always seems to want Rmore,R Rbetter,R or RnewerR
Materialism" &alues only material things, brand names, or the RlatestR
!elf-centeredness" is unwilling to reciprocate with gifts or kind acts to others
,ngraciousness" acts disappointed with presents, blurts out R# didn't want thisR
2houghtlessness" doesn't consider other person's feelings or the thought or effort that went into her
gesture
The /olution
.tep 9. 3arly 2ntervention
Model gratitude. 3ids learn gratitude by seeing others display appreciation in e&eryday, unplanned
moments. 4ow often do your kids see you con&ey your appreciation with hugs, words, or small notes to
others9 4ow often do you tell your kids how much you appreciate them9 Tune up your attitude of
gratitude so that your kids are more likely to copy your e0ample.
!et limits. 4a&ing too much RstuffR s,uelches appreciation. /o fight the tendency to o&erindulge your
child with too many things. Always gi&ing kids what they want does not help them learn to be grateful
and appreciati&e of what they ha&e.
2han& your &ids. !on't o&erlook your kids' daily thoughtful deeds. Qust be sure to tell them what they
did that you appreciate so that they are more likely to copy your e0ample and send their own
Rappreciation messagesR to others. RJosh, than&s for remem$ering to ta&e out the trash. + appreciate
your helpfulness.) )2han&s for giving me a moment alone, Hannah. + had a hard day, and + appreciate
your thoughtfulness.R
2each gratitude with $oo&s. 4ere are a few great books to start that discussion' For younger
kids' 9es, Please* 'o, 2han& 9ou* by >alerie (heeler and @lin !ibleyL %mily#s Magic 1ords" Please,
2han& 9ou, and More, by Cindy ost /enning, eggy ost, and Deo Dandry
For older kids' (iving 2han&s" A 'ative American (ood Morning Message, by Qake /wampL 8ady in the
0ox, $y Ann Mc(overnD 2he (iving 2ree, by /hel /il&ersteinL 5ocus on the (ood !tuff" 2he Power of
Appreciation, by 5ike 6obbinsL(ratefully 9ours, by Qane Buchanan
%xpose your &ids to the less fortunate. Face"to"face e0periences can go a long way in helping kids
appreciate their blessings. /o find ways for you and your child to do charitable work Eplaying with kids in
a homeless shelter, reading to the blind, building low"cost housing, or deli&ering meals for the
bedriddenF.
.tep C. Rapid Response
,se gratitude reminders. 4a&e your kids make notes, pictures, or posters or 2ust lea&e ost"its in
&isible places around your home to remind e&eryone to pause and be grateful. There is truth to that old
adage, RThe more you see it, the more you do it.R
Ma&e them say than& you. arents who raise grateful kids don't do so by accident. They e0pect their
kids to be appreciati&e, and re,uire their children to say thank you from the time the kids learn to talk.
3eep in mind that kids may need constant reminders' )id you remem$er to than& Jeff#s mom/) And
don't o&erlook their slips' )9ou can call to than& her when you get home.)
Help imagine the recipient#s feelings. ?ne way to help stretch your child from RmeR to RyouR is
through role playing. /uppose your child 2ust sent a thank"you card to his aunt for the birthday present
he recei&ed. Kse it as an opportunity to help him recogni1e his aunt's feelings when she recei&es the
card by ha&ing him pretend to be the recipient. )Pretend you#re Aunt Jo opening up her mail$ox and
finding this card. How will you feel when you read what your nephew wrote/)
,nderstand the emotion $ehind the gesture. A hard lesson for kids to learn is that they're really
thanking the person not for the gift but the thoughtfulness behind it. )(randma thought a lot a$out what
to give you this year.) )Mar& went to five stores to try to find what would ma&e you happiest .R 3eep
reinforcing the thought that went into the purchase.
.tep D. Develop 'a/its for (han!e
The best way to boost gratitude is by establishing rituals in which your family takes times to count their
e&eryday blessings. To reap the benefits, you must be committed and do the ritual a few minutes each day
for at least three weeks until it becomes a habit. 4ere are a few ideas'
Than):you A"(s. This one is great for younger kids to do at the dinner table. *ou and your kids say the
alphabet together, but for each letter include something you are grateful for' A, Aunt HelenD 0, my $rotherD C,
my cat, and so on. Take it up a notch by ha&ing the person e0plain why he is grateful. Families with small
kids rarely get beyond H, but the point is that you're ha&ing fun together, and your kids are also learning to
be appreciati&e. ?lder kids can re&eal one thing they are grateful for that happened to them during the day
and why.
#rayers of than)s!ivin!. /ay a prayer of thanks together before meals. /ome families take turns so that
each night a different member leads the prayer.
"edtime family /lessin!s. Each child e0changes messages of appreciation for one another, followed by a
goodnight hug and kiss.
>ratitude letters. *our child writes a letter to someone who has made a positi&e difference in his life but
whom he has probably not thanked properly in the past Esuch as his teacher, coach, scoutmaster, or
grandparentF. 6esearch shows that to ma0imi1e the impact, your child should read the letter to the person
face"to"face. #f the person li&es far away, &ideotape your child reading the note and send it to recipient, or
ha&e the child read his note o&er the phone. And if you happen to ha&e a &ideo conferencing feature on your
computer, use it so the recipient and your child can see each other and share the moment.
>ratitude 1ournals. *ounger kids can draw or dictate things they are most grateful forL older kids can write
in a diary or in a computer. Qust remember to start one for yourself or for your family. 6esearch shows that
your kids should write something they feel grateful for four times a week and continue for at least three
weeks.
Focusin! on !ivin!4 not !ettin!. #n&ol&e your child more in the process of choosing, making, and wrapping
gifts. @i&e your kid the honor of handing out presents to relati&es during the holidays and gi&ing a thank"you
gift to the hostess, teacher, or coach. /witching the emphasis from the role of getter to that of gi&er may help
your child recogni1e the effort and thoughtfulness that goes into selecting those gifts.
(hat To E0pect By /tages And Ages
Preschooler 3ids can learn to say thank you and please as soon as they can talk, but will need constant
reminders. E0pect kids' focus to center on themsel&es and what R# gotR instead of the gi&er. Although they
are egocentric, they can be gently stretched to think of others. Children at this age start to understand that
gi&ing and getting are connected.
School Age Children begin to mo&e out of the egocentric stage and understand gratitude. There is a
noticeable increase in efforts to support those in need and appreciate the kind gestures of others. /ports
and contests fuel a competiti&e spirit, so watch for your child starting to compare his possessions to others'.
Tween Tweens can take others' perspecti&e into consideration, so they are better able to appreciate the
thought that went into a gift. They finally comprehend the full rewards of gi&e"and"take, though they still need
reminders to send out those thank"you notes. eer pressure and the need to fit in are hugeL appreciation for
what he has is fre,uently not as important as his interest in what the other kids ha&e.
?ne .imple .olution
Teach %our (hild 'ow to "e AppreciativeK3ven 2f 'e's Disappointed
#t's easy for kids to look grateful about recei&ing gifts they like, but it's much harder for kids to learn to accept
an unappealing gift with grace. /o teach your child how to accept gifts graciously by rehearsing polite
comebacks prior to the e&ent. A few gracious responses might be RThank you for this. # really appreciate itR
or RThanks. That was nice of you.R /ometimes RThank you so much7R might be best. /tress that your child
doesn't ha&e to like a gift, but he must show his appreciation for the thought that went behind the effort.
?ne #arent's Answer
A mom from ortland, ?regon, writes'
My &ids were not as appreciative as +#d hoped and were ta&ing things for granted. 2hen it dawned on me
that + wasn#t necessarily the greatest model of gratefulness. + made a pledge to share little things + was
than&ful for with my &ids every day4li&e my health, 6o$, &ids, and friends. 2hey were s&eptical at first, $ut
they#re now sharing things they#re grateful for. My son calls it our )Count 9our 0lessings) tal&.
Ksing 6eprimands as a 5ethod of !ecreasing
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By Q.E. (alkerYT.5. /heaYA.5. Bauer
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
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?ne form of punishment is the reprimand E4outen, 8AHC, 6eid, 8AAAF. To be reprimanded is to be scolded,
$yelled at,% $bawled out,% or otherwise &erbally chastised for e0hibiting an inappropriate target beha&ior.
6eprimands are useful when a child is engaging in beha&ior that necessitates immediate action because it is
potentially harmful to self, others, or property. 6eprimands should be used selecti&ely in response to specific
beha&iors. A reprimand should include a statement of an appropriate alternati&e to the inappropriate
beha&ior Eia11a, Bowman, Contrucci, !elia, Adelinis, W @oh, 8AAAF.
The following are some guidelines for the effecti&e use of reprimands'
8. Be specific. Tell the child e0actly what inappropriate beha&ior is being reprimanded.
:. 6eprimand the beha&iorL do not derogate the child.
;. 6eprimand immediately.
<. Be firm in &oice and physical demeanor.
=. #f either the child or others may be harmed by the beha&ior, remo&e the child.
J. #f necessary, back up the reprimand with loss of pri&ileges.
G. Encourage the child to beha&e appropriately and include a statement of the appropriate beha&ior in
the reprimand.
H. Be calm.
A. (hen it+s o&er, it+s o&er. !o not keep reminding the child of past inappropriate beha&iorL a&oid
embarrassing the child in the presence of peers and others. To this end, use non&erbal reprimands'
shake your head $no,% point your finger, frown, and so on.
8C. Always obser&e the child+s reaction to the reprimand to determine whether it is a&ersi&e.
30amples
5argie7 Turn off the lathe. !o not turn it on again until you ha&e put on your safety glasses and remo&ed that
loose scarf from your neck. lease re&iew the safety rules.
!onald7 /it up straight and put your feet on the floor while you are typing. roper posture will help your
concentration and pre&ent back pain and physical discomfort in the future.
5ary7 ut on your seat belt. #t is the law in #llinois and may sa&e you from in2ury if we ha&e an accident.
4erm7 Close the windows when you turn on the air conditioner. This will sa&e electricity, which is &ery
e0pensi&e.
(ith regard to the effecti&eness of &erbal reprimands, inter&ention research results are mi0ed E/alend,
Qant1en, W @iek, 8AA:F. The efficacy of the &erbal reprimand appears to be controlled by &arious conditions.
According to >an 4outen, )au, 5acken1ie"3eating, /ameoto, and Cola&ecchia E8AH:F, the effecti&eness of
a reprimand is increased when EaF combined with non&erbal beha&ior generally associated with a &erbal
reprimand Ee.g., pointing a fingerF and EbF deli&ered in close pro0imity to the indi&idual who is the target of
the reprimand.
(heldall E8AA8F researched the effecti&eness of &erbal reprimands with four teachers in general education
classrooms. 4e concluded that reprimands should be gi&en pri&ately and within a positi&e conte0t. #n
addition, reprimands should be used infre,uently, and be specific to the unacceptable beha&ior.
G Tips for Teaching 5anners to *our Children
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Dife /kills
!iscipline

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By Elise 5c>eigh
Kpdated on Aug :G, :C8:
From teachers and dance instructors to frustrated parents, many adults are appalled at children+s manners
today. 5ost moms and dads are perple0ed on how to teach their child good manners and help good habits
stick, so their little one retains and practices what she+s learned.
Teaching your kid proper eti,uette isn+t as daunting as a task as you may think. To be effecti&e, it+s important
to make manners as big of a priority as getting your child to brush her teeth. (ith a little time and effort,
you+ll be able to effecti&ely help your wild child blossom into a little lady. 4ere are some tips to get you
started'
Family support. From grandparents to your spouse, make sure that e&eryone+s on board with what
$good manners% means to youOand respects your stance. #f your spouse burps at the table and laughs
about it with your child, or if grandma doesn+t enforce the $no 2umping on furniture% rule at her house,
they+re inad&ertently sabotaging your program. #f you+re sending mi0ed signals, how will your child learn
acceptable manners or good beha&ior9 Encourage Eand beg if necessaryF relati&es to agree with and
enforce your rules and practices of beha&ior and manners at all times.
.ound positive. A&oid empty threats to ship your little one off to manners camp if her eti,uette
doesn+t impro&e. This negati&ity sends the message that a manners camp is dreadfulOand therefore
learning manners is dreadful. #nstead, make polishing social skills a fun and positi&e e0perience by
e0plaining all of the benefits your child will recei&e from ha&ing good manners, such as being in&ited on
more play dates and ha&ing her teacher en2oy ha&ing her in class. ositi&e language is always a better
moti&ator than negati&e language, so use words that make being polite sound like an en2oyableOand
necessaryOpart of life.
Role:play. /how your budding 5iss 5anners how to be polite by acting out &arious situations before
they happen. Be sure to demonstrate the $wrong way% to do something as well, for reference. For
e0ample, ha&e your kid practice shaking hands with you before walking into someone+s house. This
way, the acceptable beha&ior+s fresh in her mind, gi&ing her confidence that she+s making a good
impression. !on+t be discouraged if she en2oys acting out the impolite interactions more than gracious
onesOit+s 2ust her way of ha&ing fun. (ith enough practice, she+ll master great manners in no time.
3at dinner as a family. @etting the entire clan together for meals gi&es kids security and confidence
about their home life. Breaking bread together typically leads to a happier and more cohesi&e family
unit, and meals offer the perfect opportunity to teach manners. /etting the table is a great manners
e0ercise for youngsters, 2ust be sure to add any sharp kni&es to the table yourself. 6emind your child to
say please and thank you, and discuss appropriate con&ersation topics. Dife lessons are learned by
interacting as a family, so make group mealtime a priority in your routine.
2ncorporate manners into your daily life. 5ake manners habitual with daily practice. (riting
proper thank you notes after recei&ing a gift, eating out at a restaurant, always saying please and thank
you, and holding doors open for other people are all courtesies you can practice with e&ery day. Before
bringing your child to $prime time% at a restaurant, check out kid"friendly places where you won+t know
anybody. This way, your kid can put her restaurant eti,uette to the test in a rela0ed en&ironment, where
you both can speak freely about what to doOand what not to do.
Repetition. A key to learning anything new is repetition. ractice makes perfect, so insist that your
child always say please and thank you, set the table e&ery chance she can, and shake hands with
adults whene&er possible. #f she fre,uently forgets to say please and thank you, tell her you can+t hear
what he+s saying until those words are used in his sentence. #f she complains about ha&ing to set the
table all of the time, make it a game by timing her and challenging her to complete the task faster than
yesterday Eneatness countsF. After awhile the repetition will pay off, and she+ll ha&e successfully
incorporated these practices into her daily routine.
?utside influence. *our child+s more likely to listen to someone that isn+t you, so find an outside
influence to help establish good manners. /eek out teachers, grandparents, and friends to help you host
a politeness bootcamp. E&en if the message itself is the same thing you+&e been telling her for ages, a
different messenger is always more effecti&e than the same old one that is heard all of the time.
Teaching your child good manners can seem like a lot of work. Eliminate stress and frustration by using
these ways to incorporate and practice good manners into your child+s daily life. @i&e it time, and you+ll see a
positi&e payoff when you hear your child+s teachers, relati&es, and her friend+s parents tell you what a polite
and respectful kid you ha&e. 6aising a polite little lady isn+t always easy, but success is one of the most
rewarding gifts of being a parent.
(hen *our Teen's )ew Friend is a Bad #nfluence
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Communicating (ith Teens

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By Qulie (illiams
Kpdated on Qan :8, :C8C
)ow that your kid+s a teenager, friends matter more than e&er. This is great, as long as it+s those buddies
that bring out the best in your kid. But at some point your teen will pick a new friend that you can+t stand, one
that is clearly a bad influence. 5aybe she smokes. 5aybe she drinks. 5aybe she's 2ust got a bad attitude.
The worst part is, you can+t 2ust put your foot down and end it like you did in preschool. /ome folks will say
you 2ust better get used to it.
#f this ad&ice sounds impossible, you+re not alone. )o lo&ing parent wants to watch a good kid stray into bad
habitsOand no teacher does either. ?&er se&enteen years in the classroom, # saw countless kids and
parents wringing their hands o&er bad friendships. 4ere+s the good news' though you may feel powerless,
you can actually help a lot. (hile it+s true that you can+t control your teen+s choices in friends, you
should e0pect to coach them. 4ow9 4ere are three guidelines to follow'
.tart with .afety. (hether your child is si0 or si0teen, the health and safety of your child
should still be your main concern. #f someone has 2ust in&ited your kid, say, on a late"night
helmetless motorcycle ride, you ha&e only one course of action' to say a strong, unbending noO
followed with, $Because # lo&e you, and that choice isn+t safe.% *ou may agree to discuss this
further, but under no circumstances should you change your mind. @ood coaches know the rules,
and enforce them.
*isten. ?nce you are sure that safety isn+t the prime issue, it+s time to talk. *ou+ll need to
identify challenges, but help your child call the key plays. #nstead of focusing on the trouble you
see, ask calmly about what is working in the friendship. (hat+s nice about the kid9 (hat do you
do for fun together9 *ou may be ama1ed by what you didn+t knowMand things may be much
better than you thought. )o matter how worried you feel, thank your child for confiding in you. #t+s
sign of trust, and you can feel proud about that.
Tal) a/out your concerns and alues rather than youranger!E&en after listening hard for
good things, you may feel certain that this new $friend% is a disaster waiting to happen. But tough
as your teen may seem, he or she might 2ust as worried as you are. Bad friendships can burn, but
the surest way to cement one is to blow your stack and call it off. #t+s much easier for kids to say,
$5y dad is so mean,% than, $This friendship is a problem that # need to fi0.% This is a good time to
talk with your kid about &alues like loyalty, comfort, and respect.
?f course, none of these tactics can guarantee that the problem will go away. But by choosing to coach
rather than control, you really are doing what+s best for your child. (hile slowly letting go, you+re also staying
profoundly connected. Although your thanks right now may be a set of rolled eyes, stick with it. #n the long
run, you can take pride in ha&ing raised a compassionate, resilient kid who has learned how to pick friends,
and how to be one as well.
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!iscipline and Child 6eactions

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By Qae Curtis
Kpdated on )o& 8J, :C8:
#t's not a secret that disciplining your kids is hardL that's why there are books, blogs and websites dedicated
to the practice. ?f course, some of the facts about discipline are the ones that you'll ne&er learn about in
those fancy tomes, simply because while those parenting e0perts may ha&e raised children, they'&e ne&er
raisedyour children. !on't e0pect te0tbook"perfect kidsL after all, no one is a te0tbook"perfect parent.
#nstead of trying to discipline using on a one"si1e"fits"all model, take an indi&idual approach. /ome of the
disciplinary hiccups you e0perience with your kid are simply par for the course, while others are entirely
unpredictable.
Discipline isn't the same as punishment. !iscipline and punishment are often confused because
they often work hand in hand. But while punishment is an in"the"moment reaction to misbeha&ior,
discipline is learned o&er time, thanks to general e0pectations and consistency. For instance, you can
discipline your child to stop hitting by rendering a punishment each time it happens. !iscipline should be
a consistent method of getting your child to beha&e, so it's more important than punishment alone.
Discipline isn't an e0act science. /cience teaches us that if you mi0 two elements, you'll get a
specific reaction. Knfortunately, the right hypothesis couldn't predict your child's reaction during a time"
out. !iscipline definitely isn't an e0act science. #nstead, different factorsOsuch as child temperament,
fatigue, hunger, or a temporary bad moodOcan change how your little one reacts to your parenting
method. /omething that worked flawlessly once may dissol&e your child into a fit of screams the ne0t
time. @ood parents know how to roll with the punches and adapt the punishment for the time and place.
"ri/ery can /ac)fire. arenting e0pert and author of How to Raise a Millionaire, Ann 5organ
Qames, warns against the perils of getting into a bribery cycle. R#t is so easy to fall into a pattern of, '#f
you calm down, #'ll buy you a candy bar,'R she relates. RThe first time my son pitched a fit in the store, #
almost did it, but # en&isioned him at 8J and how big the bribe would ha&e to be then. Bribery would
ha&e been the easy road for the moment, but would ha&e pa&ed the way to really bad beha&ior and
conse,uences.R !on't teach your child to milk his tantrums for a peanut butter cupL better discipline
re&ol&es around more than 2ust those fi&e minutes in the store.
There is such a thin! as Aoverpunishment.A unishment is used as a way to teach discipline.
4ere's the thing' punishing your child for running in the street is necessary to teach him to look both
ways. unishing your child because he talked out of turn or because he got a toy out without asking9 #t
diminishes the capacity for discipline when it really counts. 5ake sure that the punishment fits the crime,
and that you're le&ying discipline when it really matters. Det some things slide so that your kid learns the
importance of discipline when it comes to safety or being kind to others.
.ome of the /est disciplinary methods don't involve any punishment. A study published in a
:CCA issue of the Journal of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychologyfound that preXmpti&e disciplineO
redirection or a&oiding conflict with your kidOwas one of the most effect ways of getting your little one to
beha&e. #t's kind of like heading to the doctor for regular checkupsL it's usually less painful than heading
in only when there's a serious problem. By knowing what causes your child to misbeha&e, you can
distract or a&oid and skip the bother of a time"out.
&ids have their own Acurrency.A ... and we're not talking about allowance here. 4a&e you e&er
wondered why a sharp word stops one child in his tracks and lea&es another completely unphased9
That's because e&ery kid is different and what works one doesn't work for the other, mostly because he
uses a different Rcurrency.R #t's your 2ob as a parent to find out what your child &alues mostL it might be
praise, it could be ,uality time or it could be physical touch. *ou can then use that currency to your
ad&antage for disciplinary tactics.
Discipline stin)s for parents and )ids. 4ey, no one said that discipline would be fun and games
for you. /eeing your child unhappy is enough to make you throw out the rules and let him eat chocolate
for dinner. But a good parent knows that proper discipline lays the ground rules for a happy, healthy life.
?f course, no one tells you how much you'll want to gi&e in. Qust remember' say RyesR when you can
and RnoR when you should. (hile it's no fun now, you're molding your little one into a well"beha&ed child
who will find it easier to na&igate the real world when he's older.
#f you sometimes feel like a fish out of water when it comes to discipline, 2oin the club. )o parent is born with
the skills to always know the right thing to do or say in the face of misbeha&ior. The trick is to ignore all the
ad&ice about discipline and what you should and shouldn't be doing and instead focus on how to parent your
child as an indi&idual.
Knderstanding Typical atterns ?f !e&elopment
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By .F. 4earronY>. 4ildebrand
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
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Building your knowledge of typical patterns of de&elopment is the first step toward a de&elopmentally
appropriate approach to guidance EBredekamp W Copple, 8AAG, p. AF. This is the knowledge that lets you
take it in stride when an infant suddenly starts screaming at the sight of strangers she has ignored
pre&iously, when a toddler begins balking at all your re,uests, or when a four"year"old blurts out some
shocking new &ocabulary words at the family dinner table. Familiarity with typical stages of de&elopment will
reassure you that none of these children are social de&iants, that each of these beha&iors is representati&e
of a particular age. )ot only are they typical beha&iors, they are signs that children are mo&ing along the
path toward maturity. The infant's stranger an0iety is e&idence that she can now remember familiar faces
and compare new faces with those memories. The toddler's $no% is a sign of growing autonomy, of
awareness that he is a separate person, not an appendage of his mother. The four"year"old's $bad% words
are actually e0periments with the social power of language, usually without a real understanding of the
words' meanings.
3nowing typical patterns of de&elopment means that you will ha&e reasonable e0pectations for children's
beha&ior. *ou won't e0pect a se&en"month"old to ad2ust immediately to a new caregi&er or a toddler to
comply willingly with e&ery re,uest. #t also means that you will ha&e some basis for deciding when you need
to look more closely at beha&iors that are not typical within gi&en ages. But knowing about child
de&elopment in general is only the first step in de&elopmentally appropriate guidance.
Teaching Children to Cope with Feelings
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Developin! .elf:(almin! .)ills
?ne of the greatest skills an adult working or li&ing with young children can ha&e is the ability to calm an
upset child. ?f course, the optimum is for children to learn to calm themsel&es, and for that reason adults
should respect their attempts to do so. For e0ample, when the crying infant finds a soothing thumb and pops
it in, the adult should re2oice and not try to distract or substitute something else. The thumb is an e0ample of
a &ery effecti&e self"soothing de&ice.
#f infants are to learn self"calming techni,ues, the adult must not 2ump up and respond to each little whimper
or tiny demand. Timing is importantL it takes skill to create a response gap that is 2ust long enough to allow
children to disco&er ways to meet their own needs. #f the adult waits too long, children feel neglectedL they
may go beyond the place where they can calm themsel&es. ?nce the child gets o&erly e0cited and chaos
sets in, the adult needs to be on hand to stop the momentum and help the child get reorgani1ed. /ometimes
this is merely a matter of being present and allowing the child to pick up your calm rhythms. /ome adults
ha&e the natural instinct of tuning into the child+s rhythms, flowing with them until the two are in tune, then
slowing the combined rhythm until the child is once more rela0ed and calm. Thoman and Browder E8AHGF
gi&e specifics about how this can be done with a baby. They start by ad&ising the adult to find a ,uiet, softly
lit room and rela0 completely while holding the baby' $Breathe deeply. Feel all your muscles unwind.... )ow
tune in to your baby. Disten to his breathing. Feel his breathing against your chest. At first, try to match your
breathing to your baby+s breathing, so you+re inhaling and e0haling in unison. Then slowly make your
breathing deeper% Epp. 8H8B8H:F. They say that as the adult changes his or her breathing, the baby+s
breathing will change to match it.
This approach can be used with some children who are no longer babies. /ome children are able to use the
adult closeness to bring down their energy le&el and become calm. /omething similar can e&en be used with
a group of children. /ome infant"care teachers and early educators know how to go with the flow of energy
and then bring it down to a less chaotic le&el. There+s usually an ideal time to inter&ene. !etermining this
ideal time is a skill adults who li&e and work with young children can ac,uire through e0perience.
(opin! /y #layin! #retend
laying pretend is a way that children e0perience feelings in a way that they can control. #n a sense, they
practice emotions through playing. They+re in charge of the en&ironment and of themsel&es, which puts them
in a &ery powerful positionOoften the opposite of their position when they are o&ercome by a feeling in real
life.
Adults who understand how important pretend play is to emotional de&elopment encourage children to
engage in it. They gi&e them props to get them started. EThat+s what the $housekeeping corner% and all the
$dress"up clothes% are about in a child care center.F (hen children don+t automatically show interest in
playing pretend, adults can get them started by playing with them. Adults who see the &alue of time spent
pretending pro&ide opportunities, space, and materials to stimulate imagination. They also pro&ide
encouragement.
Two early childhood e0perts, /usan #saacs and >i&ian aley, working =C years apart, ha&e important ideas
about the use of what is called dramatic play. #saacs E/mith, 8AH=F says that through what she calls
$imaginati&e play, children symboli1e and e0ternali1e their inner drama and conflicts and work through them
to gain relief from pressures.% /he e0plains that through creating make"belie&e situations, children practice
predicting or hypothesi1ing what might happen and play it out. Children free themsel&es from the here and
now of the concrete world by acting as if something were true. They not only re&isit the past but pro2ect into
the future through playing pretend.
aley E8AHHF talks about the kind of pretend play she sees daily in her classroom of preschoolers. /he says,
$(hate&er else is going on in this network of melodrama, the themes are &ast and wondrous. #mages of
good and e&il, birth and death, parent and child, mo&e in and out of the real and the pretend. There is no
small talk. The listener is submerged in philosophical position papers, a &irtual recapitulation of life+s
enigmas% Ep. JF.
As children create their own worlds through pretend play, they gain a sense of power. They transform reality
and practice mastery o&er it. )o wonder pretend play is appealing. #n addition to personal power, children
also gain communication skills. Through play with, for e0ample, small figures, they deal with se&eral le&els of
communication as the figures themsel&es interact, and the players who control them also interact. Children
engaged in this type of play practice negotiation and cooperation in real life and on a pretend le&el. They can
get &ery sophisticated at e0pressing feelings through this medium.
As an early educator you should thoroughly ac,uaint yourself with the benefits of play so you can help
families appreciate it. #t takes some skill to obser&e with a parent and point out the benefits without talking
down or lecturing the parent. *ou don+t want to flaunt your knowledge, but you do want to e0pand the
families+ &iew of play. ?f course, not all families de&alue play as an important acti&ity in children+s li&esL
many, howe&er, ha&e gotten the message that the early years are learning years, and they may not see play
as a worthy way of learning.
(opin! with .imultaneous Feelin!s
#t would be easier to teach children to accept, e0press, and cope with their feelings if all feelings came
singly. 4owe&er, almost no feelings come as a single, pure and simple unit of emotion. ?ften, two feelings
come simultaneously. For e0ample, # feel sad that my dog has died, but #+m greatly relie&ed that his suffering
is o&erL or #+m delighted about my contract to write a new book, but #+m worried about my ability to do it.
Adults recogni1e mi0ed feelings. 4a&ing simultaneous feelings can be an ad&antage because we can focus
on one to help us cope with the other.
4owe&er, it is a different story for young children, who can only focus on one feeling at a timeL they aren+t
aware of mi0ed feelings E4arter W Buddin, 8AHGF. (e adults can help them begin to e0perience more than
one feeling by &erbali1ing for them when we percei&e they might ha&e mi0ed feelings Ee.g., $*ou+re happy to
stay o&ernight with your friend, but you+re scared about being away from home%F. E0periencing simultaneous
feelings may take some time, since it only comes as the result of increasing maturity.
(opin! with Fear
Kncomfortable as they may feel, fears are useful. They protect and help keep children out of danger. A
problem is that sometimes fears get in a child+s way of fully e0periencing the world. They can limit
e0plorations and discourage healthy risk taking, the things that gi&e children a fuller life and help them
e0pand their e0perience and knowledge.
Adults can help children deal with fears by doing the following'
Taking them seriously.
5odeling.
laying out fears.
!owrick E8AHJF, in his book /ocial /ur&i&al for Children, describes how he trains children in rela0ation and
helps them &isuali1e themsel&es feeling bra&e in situations that scare them. 4e also talks about alle&iating
fear in children through helping them perform in graduated small steps following a carefully established
hierarchy.
!owrick gi&es an e0ample of such a hierarchy' A ="year"old child greatly feared doctors yet needed to go to
the dentist. The first step was to help him pretend to be a doctor with another child as patient. That was
followed by getting him to play patient with another child as doctor. (hen he was comfortable with that, he
was talked into allowing an adult $doctor% to pretend to inspect the inside of his throat. (hen he was finally
able to allow a $pretend% adult doctor to put dental instruments in his mouth, he was ready for his &isit to the
real dentist. Each step of the play was recorded on &ideotape and then edited and re&iewed by the child.
(atching himself in repeated e0periences in a benign en&ironment strengthened his coping responsesOa
kind of self"modeling. #n addition, the child was taught rela0ation techni,ues, using positi&e imagery.
5any early childhood practitioners also use a techni,ue of ha&ing children help other children cope with
fears. The teacher sends a gentle, outgoing child o&er to interact with the fearful child who is hanging back
from participating in acti&ities. /ome early educators ha&e a real talent for linking up one child with another
for the good of both. /ome go so far as to suggest to parents that so"and"so might be a good friend to in&ite
o&er. The friendships that result from these linkages sometimes last for years.
(hat is ositi&e Beha&ior9
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By .F. 4earronY>. 4ildebrand
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#n some ways, the line between positi&e and negati&e beha&ior e0ists in the eye of the beholder. *our &alue
system, which stems from your family and cultural background as well as your own life e0periences, will
determine what you belie&e to be positi&e beha&ior. *our feelings about yourself and life in general will also
color your perceptions. (hen adults feel positi&e about themsel&es, they are better able to understand and
accept children's beha&ior.
This article is based on the premise that positi&e beha&iors are those which help children mo&e along toward
the goal of becoming well"ad2usted, fully functioning adults. #n other words, beha&ior that is typical of a
particular stage of de&elopment, that pa&es the way for the ne0t stage, is positi&e. ositi&e beha&ior is not,
therefore, the same thing as compliance with adult wishes, especially if those adult wishes reflect a lack of
knowledge of children's de&elopment.
/ome positi&e beha&ior can appear downright negati&e7 T. Berry Bra1elton E8AA:F, a renowned pediatrician,
argues that there are predictable times in the li&es of all children when their beha&ior $falls apart%' when they
seem to mo&e backward in de&elopment in ways that perple0 and dismay their parents and caregi&ers.
These times in&ariably signal a rapid spurt of physical, cogniti&e, or socioemotional growth. An e0ample
might be the child on the &erge of walking, whose frustration at being left behind e&okes a sudden change in
disposition and screams of rage. Bra1elton &iews these periods, not as crisis points, but rather as
$touchpoints,% unparalleled opportunities for understanding and supporting de&elopment, if we anticipate
them positi&ely and a&oid becoming locked in power struggles.
By studying child de&elopment and carefully obser&ing the beha&ior of many children, you can learn to
ad2ust your e0pectations so that the beha&ior you e0pect is within the bounds of possibility for children to
achie&e. By obser&ing the beha&ior of a particular child o&er time, you can begin to understand what
particular beha&iors mean for that child. *ou may begin to see how beha&ior that seemed irritating to you
actually ser&es a positi&e function for a child.
Focusing on positi&e beha&ior places negati&e beha&ior in better perspecti&e and de&elops a more accurate
impression of the whole child. #t allows you to emphasi1e strengths and help children o&ercome
weaknesses. Early childhood educators with heightened awareness of positi&e beha&iors will set the stage
so that those beha&iors can occur, and will respond in ways that make these acts occur more often. #n other
words, they will use techni,ues of indirect and direct guidance.
2nfants
For babies, beha&ior is the language with which they can tell us what they need. Although we may en2oy
babies more when they are sleeping, cooing, and snuggling, babies who cry when they are hungry or wet
are also e0hibiting positi&e beha&iors. #n fact, we worry about the infant who lies passi&ely in the crib and
seems to ha&e gi&en up on the world.
Babies are often noisy, although many adults seem to e,uate a ,uiet baby with a good baby. Knless they
ha&e a disability, babies increasingly use their &ocal cords to get attention and e0press their e0citement.
They coo and babble to practice sounds and engage in con&ersations with willing partners.
Babies thri&e on attention and fall to pieces when that attention is withheld. @urgling, smiling, flailing arms
and legs, e&en screaming in outrageOall are ways that healthy babies e0ert their influence on us to get the
attention they need. Knderstanding caregi&ers willingly gi&e babies their undi&ided attention during feedings,
diaper changes, and other intimate moments throughout the day, instead of interpreting apparently negati&e
beha&iors as $2ust wanting attention.%
Babies with typical de&elopment are social. They like people and en2oy the games that people play with
them. They form strong attachments to the people who are important in their li&es. This attachment is an
important part of becoming fully humanOe&en when the tears that follow that important person's departure
make your 2ob a little harder. Toys, tele&ision, and propped"up bottles should ne&er replace the human touch
and &oice in a baby's life. To be happy and secure, babies must be lo&ed unconditionally, and this is your
responsibility when they are in your care.
Knless they are impeded by some disability, babies are typically acti&e. They roll o&er, then stand in their
cribs, and before long climb out of those cribs. ?ne of the pleasures of caregi&ing is sharing their sheer 2oy
in mo&ement. ?ut on the floor they scoot along until they learn to crawl, then they pull themsel&es up on
furniture. Dife grows more perilous as they encounter dangerous things that used to be out of their reachO
the heater, the cord on a coffeemaker, cleaning chemicals in the cupboard under the sink.
Babies are curious, and their sense of danger is unde&eloped. They don't get into things to be bad or to
irritate their tired caregi&ers. They are merely following irresistible natural urges to e0plore their
en&ironments, seeking the knowledge they need to understand their world. They do this through tasting,
touching, chewing, seeing, and hearing. As a caregi&er, you may ha&e the pri&ilege of seeing them disco&er
for the first time that one action makes something else happen' That kicking the side of the crib makes the
bell on the mobile ring, or that pushing a dish to the edge of the highchair tray results in a satisfying crash on
the floor and perhaps an interesting response from you. 6e2oice in these signs of intellectual growth.
#f your 2ob with &ery young babies is to meet their needs so that they feel secure, your 2ob with mobile babies
is to prepare their en&ironments so that they can e0plore safely and to encourage that e0ploration. (ith
toddlers, your task will be to foster their growing sense of independence and autonomyOincluding their
ability to say $no%Orecogni1ing all these as positi&e beha&iors.
Toddlers
?f course, there's more to toddler beha&ior than $)o7% ?ne positi&e beha&ior is that toddlers e0plore on their
own. Toddlers want to use the tricycle, though they may walk it along instead of pedaling it. They like to walk
on a balance beam, a curb, or a wall, or something else a few inches from the ground, perhaps holding onto
an adult's hand.
/ometimes, happiness is climbing up on high places from which they may be worried about getting down.
They will look and feel like $king of the mountain% and cause parents to scurry to the rescue lest they tumble
down.
Try &isuali1ing yourself as a toddler to understand the pleasures of toddler life. For e0ample, happiness is
getting into things and poking your fingers into things. A cardboard carton from the grocery store makes a
toy that you can play with for daysOin and out, out and in, sitting down, rising upOa rhythm of e0ploration.
*ou poke at @randma's toe through her open"toed shoe and could 2ust as well poke around the electric cord
if someone didn't watch out for you.
4appiness is Qulia picking up rocks on a walk and saying, $?ne for my daddy, one for my mommy, one for
both of them.%
4appiness is ha&ing people around who reali1e how hard it is for toddlers to change their minds. For
instance, after they'&e decided they want to eat a peanut butter sandwich, it is really hard to ha&e to settle
for a 2elly sandwich.
4appiness is singing the song Eency (eency /pider with your teacher, then singing it at home for mommy
and daddy and being asked in ama1ement, $(here did you learn that9% Also, happiness is bringing home a
drawing of pretty s,uiggles and ha&ing daddy say, $5att, this looks like writing. Dook, dear, at the writing
5att did today. @ood, 5att.%
4appiness is eating your dinner from your pretty eter 6abbit dish, getting your fingers and face sticky, and
not ha&ing anyone care about the mess.
4appiness is being able to ask for help or for something you need, like saying, $(ater. 3im, water.% ?r when
mother asks, $!o you want your coat on9% being able to say, $Coat on.%
After toddlers turn two and become aware of the toilet, they like handling this alone. /ometimes for fun they
sit backward on the toilet so they can hold on to the lid. They like surprising their teacher by going to the
bathroom all alone without a reminder, and remembering to wash their hands afterward. They like the
teacher's indi&idual comments complimenting them for doing the task alone.
Toddlers really anticipate going outdoors. ?ne teacher showed her charges how to put on their coats a
magic way, by laying them front side up on the floor, collars at the children's feet. The children put their arms
into the slee&es and flipped the coats o&er their heads and, like magic, the coats were on and ready to be
1ipped up. $# did it7% each shouted happily one after another as they succeeded at this task.
Three: to .i0:%ear:?lds
For a three" to si0"year"old, action is a positi&e beha&ior, the key to healthy de&elopment, the sign that the
child is growing. hysical action means continuous running, climbing, crawling, and hopping. *oung children
sit still only if it is their decision, and that is why it is preferable to let children choose their acti&ities. They
generally know best what their body needs ne0t. #f they decide to look at a book or do a painting, their
concentration can be ,uite intense.
retend that you are a three" to si0"year"old now. ositi&e beha&ior is laughing after reco&ering from the
shock of ha&ing a turtle put in your face by a teasing boy. ositi&e beha&ior is taunting when your best friend
tries to hit you with paperwads, $5issed me7 *ou missed me7 )ow you'&e gotta kiss me7% ositi&e beha&ior is
pretending about a big banner seen across the street, $*eh7 #t's a big net and it is winding around us. #t's got
us7 (e can't get away7% and ha&ing your friends pretend to be caught in the struggle and laugh with you.
ositi&e beha&ior is singing into the stethoscope and finding out whether you can hear yourself. ositi&e
beha&ior is making skis out of the hollow wooden ramps from the block corner, putting your feet in, and
walking, and ha&ing your buddies laugh at the new disco&ery that they hadn't seen before. ositi&e beha&ior
is wanting to throw a rope o&er a tree limb, then ha&ing your friend hold a stool for you while you get high
enough to succeed. ositi&e beha&ior is hanging by your knees on the 2ungle gym and ha&ing your friend
say, $# didn't know you could do that7%
ositi&e beha&ior is playing lotto and knowing which large card has the picture that is turned up on the small
card. ositi&e beha&ior is feeling big enough to say $Bye% to 5om or !ad and 2oining other children at play.
ositi&e beha&ior is wrestling with your friend in the grass and knowing you can hold your own and that your
friend won't really hurt you. ositi&e beha&ior is feeling relie&ed that 5om finally bought you some blue 2eans
like the ones worn by the older boys in the school. ositi&e beha&ior is being glad when !addy surprises you
by stopping by the school to &isit for a while and coping with sad feelings when he lea&es. ositi&e beha&ior
is doing your 2ob at clean"up time and ha&ing the teacher say, $Thank you. (e really worked together on
clean up today7%
Talking and listening are positi&e beha&iors, although for young children, talking is often more interesting
than listening. *ou will fre,uently hear con&ersations that sound like two inter&iews run together on the tape
recorder with both children talking and neither listening.
Talking, getting your ideas across and telling someone how you feel, is a positi&e beha&ior. ?ne child
whispers to another, $*ou're my friend,% or shouts, $)o7 no7% when someone takes a toy. Talking is asking for
information, $(hy do # ha&e to take a nap9% #t's telling the teacher important news before someone else
doesO$# ha&e a new baby sister7% Talking is telling a best friend, $#'m going to take you and Carlos to the
rodeo this night.% Talking and ha&ing someone to listen, to talk back, and not to say $shut up% are positi&e
interactions for three" to fi&e"year"olds.
ositi&e beha&ior is Clair painting a picture for each of her brothers, or Qeremiah taking a cookie home to his
brother, $'Cause he doesn't ha&e any cookies.% ositi&e beha&ior is Dakeisha tying /ondra's shoes when she
didn't ha&e any of her own to tie. And positi&e beha&ior is 3eith swinging alone chanting
/wing, swing
5y swing is swinging
/wing, swing
#'m making it go.
All children's beha&ior has meaning, and the adult's task is to search for that meaning. (hat do the things
children do tell you about them9 *ou can't draw conclusions from one or two incidents but must watch
children o&er a period of time. (hen you sit down and reflect on the day's e&ents after school, or at home
after the children are safely tucked in each day, ask yourself $(hat positi&e beha&ior did # obser&e today9%
Then you can analy1e what you did to help or hinder what happened. These can be lessons for the future.
?f course, problems should not be ignored. Apparent problems may be positi&e beha&ior for some children.
For e0ample, you might ha&e children who are ,uiet and withdrawn who then gradually grow to trust you and
themsel&es and begin to stretch and strain the rules. These may be problems for you, but for those children
the actions signify growth. (hat do you do9 Certainly, don't try to control their beha&ior and push them back
into their shells7 #gnore them for a while unless someone's going to get hurt, because these children may be
working through a problem through acts of self"e0pression. The teacher's goal is to tailor the guidance to
children's indi&idual needs. (ithin a short time, these children will likely be willing to follow the rules again.
arenting a Child with /pecial )eeds
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By !.4. /ailor
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All children ha&e special needs at some time but some children ha&e special needs all the time. These
needs or conditions de&iate from what society considers typical or the norm. These children might ha&e
physical handicaps, learning disabilities, or learning abilities that surpass the norm. They may ha&e an
emotional disturbance, chronic illness, antisocial beha&ior, or a combination of these conditions. hysical
impairments are usually identified at birth but psychological impairments may not be identified until the child
is older. !amage can be caused by heredity or prenatally from en&ironmental conditions such as drugs
taken by the mother. ?ther children suffer damage later due to child abuse, se&ere neglect, or an accident.
This discussion will focus on children's impairments rather than on special gifts.
arenting any child is a difficult task but parenting a child with special problems is e&en more challenging.
There are additional stresses on all family members. 4ow they cope with these challenges depends to some
e0tent on how healthy each of these family relationships was before the special needs child was diagnosed.
/ome reactions are detrimental to healthy de&elopment'
8. attempting to compensate for the condition by o&erindulging the childL
:. reacting at times with hostility or e&en re2ectionL and
;. focusing on the disability.
/ome actions of parents are helpful'
8. finding out all you can about the disability, treatments, and resources a&ailable for the childL
:. de&eloping a support systemL
;. being kind to one another and not taking out your anger or frustration on lo&ed onesL and
<. &iewing the whole child with his or her strengths and weaknesses. This child, like all children, needs
to de&elop a positi&e self"image and achie&e as much as realistically is possible.
2nitial Ad1ustments
#arents' initial responses to a child's disability &ary greatly E5eadow"?rlans, 8AA=F. 5ost parents are
shocked. Any dreams they had for their child seem shattered. For some, the initial response is denial, which
may be followed by depression. There is anger, guilt, sorrow, and often helplessness, but ne&er 2oy
EBatshaw, 8AAHF. According to 3ubler"6oss's research, parents may go through the stages of anger, denial,
bargaining Eto make conditions rightF, depression, and final acceptance E8AJ:F. #t is important for parents
and siblings to understand and then accept the nature of the disability. @uilt, anger, and blame are
counterproducti&e. Do&e, setting realistic goals, and seeking needed professional help is the best course.
.i/lin!s need special help in their understanding of the situation. *oung children need simple and clear
e0planations. For e0ample, R*our sister cannot learn as ,uickly as other children or understand as much. (e
can help her.R *oung children usually ask more ,uestions when they are ready for more information. ?n the
other hand, older children need accurate and more complete information about the disability. )ot knowing
only intensifies their feelings. They may think, R(hy won't you tell me9R R4ow bad is it9R or R*ou don't trust
me to knowR EBatshaw, 8AAHF.
/iblings e0perience a range of emotions. They may be embarrassed, resentful, or feel guilty that they are so
healthy. *oung children may feel that they caused the problem because they had some negati&e thoughts
about the baby. /iblings may feel resentful when much of their parents' energy, time, and money go to
helping the special needs child. #n addition, they may feel guilty for these negati&e feelings ETrout and Foley,
8AHAF. They also ha&e to cope with their peers' reactions to their sibling's condition.
(hildren with disa/ilities need to come to terms with their special or limited abilities. #n addition, they must
ad2ust to the reactions of other children and adults to their problem. Any child who de&iates considerably
from the norm has more difficulty in establishing a positi&e self"image.
.upport .ystems
Family members with special needs children ha&e many demands placed on them that are stressful. )ot
only can personal health suffer but these families ha&e a higher percentage of di&orces EBatshaw, 8AAHF.
/upport systems are crucial in maintaining a healthy family. These support systems put parents and family
members in touch with scientific information and other parents with similar problems who share e0periences
and &aluable resources. /upport groups are usually formed around a particular disability. /eeking and
accepting help from e0tended family members, their place of worship, andS or the community pro&ides
additional relief. #t is important for parents to ha&e some free time.
5any parents find satisfaction in networking to pro&ide help for their child or other children. arents ha&e
been acti&e in the legislati&e process to support children and families with disabilities. #n the 8A=Cs, parents
helped establish the )ational Association of arents and Friends of 5entally 6etarded Children, now called
the Association for 6etarded Citi1ens. arents also helped to establish other support groups such as the
Knited Cerebral alsy Association and the )ational /ociety for Autistic Children. /ee Chapters H and A for
legislation affecting children with disabilities.
Acceptance
After months and sometimes years, most parents can replace the anger, guilt, andSor blame with a degree of
acceptance. 4owe&er, it is difficult when one parent comes to terms with a child's condition before his or her
spouse. ?ccasionally the spouse may ne&er get to this point, remaining in a state of denial or grief. This
makes it more difficult for this person Eand the familyF to cope EBatshaw, 8AAHF.
Certain periods in the child's life will reignite the sense of pain and loss. Batshaw E8AAHF suggests that these
e&ents often include starting school, placement in special education, the period when most children start
dating, or late adolescence, when many children go to college, find a 2ob, lea&e home, andSor marry. (hen
both parents and siblings ha&e reached the stage of acceptance, family life can begin to ha&e a sense of
RnormalcyR and members are freer to e0perience the many 2oys in life. Dife is put into a broader perspecti&e.
Teaching Children to Cope with Feelings
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Developin! .elf:(almin! .)ills
?ne of the greatest skills an adult working or li&ing with young children can ha&e is the ability to calm an
upset child. ?f course, the optimum is for children to learn to calm themsel&es, and for that reason adults
should respect their attempts to do so. For e0ample, when the crying infant finds a soothing thumb and pops
it in, the adult should re2oice and not try to distract or substitute something else. The thumb is an e0ample of
a &ery effecti&e self"soothing de&ice.
#f infants are to learn self"calming techni,ues, the adult must not 2ump up and respond to each little whimper
or tiny demand. Timing is importantL it takes skill to create a response gap that is 2ust long enough to allow
children to disco&er ways to meet their own needs. #f the adult waits too long, children feel neglectedL they
may go beyond the place where they can calm themsel&es. ?nce the child gets o&erly e0cited and chaos
sets in, the adult needs to be on hand to stop the momentum and help the child get reorgani1ed. /ometimes
this is merely a matter of being present and allowing the child to pick up your calm rhythms. /ome adults
ha&e the natural instinct of tuning into the child+s rhythms, flowing with them until the two are in tune, then
slowing the combined rhythm until the child is once more rela0ed and calm. Thoman and Browder E8AHGF
gi&e specifics about how this can be done with a baby. They start by ad&ising the adult to find a ,uiet, softly
lit room and rela0 completely while holding the baby' $Breathe deeply. Feel all your muscles unwind.... )ow
tune in to your baby. Disten to his breathing. Feel his breathing against your chest. At first, try to match your
breathing to your baby+s breathing, so you+re inhaling and e0haling in unison. Then slowly make your
breathing deeper% Epp. 8H8B8H:F. They say that as the adult changes his or her breathing, the baby+s
breathing will change to match it.
This approach can be used with some children who are no longer babies. /ome children are able to use the
adult closeness to bring down their energy le&el and become calm. /omething similar can e&en be used with
a group of children. /ome infant"care teachers and early educators know how to go with the flow of energy
and then bring it down to a less chaotic le&el. There+s usually an ideal time to inter&ene. !etermining this
ideal time is a skill adults who li&e and work with young children can ac,uire through e0perience.
(opin! /y #layin! #retend
laying pretend is a way that children e0perience feelings in a way that they can control. #n a sense, they
practice emotions through playing. They+re in charge of the en&ironment and of themsel&es, which puts them
in a &ery powerful positionOoften the opposite of their position when they are o&ercome by a feeling in real
life.
Adults who understand how important pretend play is to emotional de&elopment encourage children to
engage in it. They gi&e them props to get them started. EThat+s what the $housekeeping corner% and all the
$dress"up clothes% are about in a child care center.F (hen children don+t automatically show interest in
playing pretend, adults can get them started by playing with them. Adults who see the &alue of time spent
pretending pro&ide opportunities, space, and materials to stimulate imagination. They also pro&ide
encouragement.
Two early childhood e0perts, /usan #saacs and >i&ian aley, working =C years apart, ha&e important ideas
about the use of what is called dramatic play. #saacs E/mith, 8AH=F says that through what she calls
$imaginati&e play, children symboli1e and e0ternali1e their inner drama and conflicts and work through them
to gain relief from pressures.% /he e0plains that through creating make"belie&e situations, children practice
predicting or hypothesi1ing what might happen and play it out. Children free themsel&es from the here and
now of the concrete world by acting as if something were true. They not only re&isit the past but pro2ect into
the future through playing pretend.
aley E8AHHF talks about the kind of pretend play she sees daily in her classroom of preschoolers. /he says,
$(hate&er else is going on in this network of melodrama, the themes are &ast and wondrous. #mages of
good and e&il, birth and death, parent and child, mo&e in and out of the real and the pretend. There is no
small talk. The listener is submerged in philosophical position papers, a &irtual recapitulation of life+s
enigmas% Ep. JF.
As children create their own worlds through pretend play, they gain a sense of power. They transform reality
and practice mastery o&er it. )o wonder pretend play is appealing. #n addition to personal power, children
also gain communication skills. Through play with, for e0ample, small figures, they deal with se&eral le&els of
communication as the figures themsel&es interact, and the players who control them also interact. Children
engaged in this type of play practice negotiation and cooperation in real life and on a pretend le&el. They can
get &ery sophisticated at e0pressing feelings through this medium.
As an early educator you should thoroughly ac,uaint yourself with the benefits of play so you can help
families appreciate it. #t takes some skill to obser&e with a parent and point out the benefits without talking
down or lecturing the parent. *ou don+t want to flaunt your knowledge, but you do want to e0pand the
families+ &iew of play. ?f course, not all families de&alue play as an important acti&ity in children+s li&esL
many, howe&er, ha&e gotten the message that the early years are learning years, and they may not see play
as a worthy way of learning.
(opin! with .imultaneous Feelin!s
#t would be easier to teach children to accept, e0press, and cope with their feelings if all feelings came
singly. 4owe&er, almost no feelings come as a single, pure and simple unit of emotion. ?ften, two feelings
come simultaneously. For e0ample, # feel sad that my dog has died, but #+m greatly relie&ed that his suffering
is o&erL or #+m delighted about my contract to write a new book, but #+m worried about my ability to do it.
Adults recogni1e mi0ed feelings. 4a&ing simultaneous feelings can be an ad&antage because we can focus
on one to help us cope with the other.
4owe&er, it is a different story for young children, who can only focus on one feeling at a timeL they aren+t
aware of mi0ed feelings E4arter W Buddin, 8AHGF. (e adults can help them begin to e0perience more than
one feeling by &erbali1ing for them when we percei&e they might ha&e mi0ed feelings Ee.g., $*ou+re happy to
stay o&ernight with your friend, but you+re scared about being away from home%F. E0periencing simultaneous
feelings may take some time, since it only comes as the result of increasing maturity.
(opin! with Fear
Kncomfortable as they may feel, fears are useful. They protect and help keep children out of danger. A
problem is that sometimes fears get in a child+s way of fully e0periencing the world. They can limit
e0plorations and discourage healthy risk taking, the things that gi&e children a fuller life and help them
e0pand their e0perience and knowledge.
Adults can help children deal with fears by doing the following'
Taking them seriously.
5odeling.
laying out fears.
!owrick E8AHJF, in his book /ocial /ur&i&al for Children, describes how he trains children in rela0ation and
helps them &isuali1e themsel&es feeling bra&e in situations that scare them. 4e also talks about alle&iating
fear in children through helping them perform in graduated small steps following a carefully established
hierarchy.
!owrick gi&es an e0ample of such a hierarchy' A ="year"old child greatly feared doctors yet needed to go to
the dentist. The first step was to help him pretend to be a doctor with another child as patient. That was
followed by getting him to play patient with another child as doctor. (hen he was comfortable with that, he
was talked into allowing an adult $doctor% to pretend to inspect the inside of his throat. (hen he was finally
able to allow a $pretend% adult doctor to put dental instruments in his mouth, he was ready for his &isit to the
real dentist. Each step of the play was recorded on &ideotape and then edited and re&iewed by the child.
(atching himself in repeated e0periences in a benign en&ironment strengthened his coping responsesOa
kind of self"modeling. #n addition, the child was taught rela0ation techni,ues, using positi&e imagery.
5any early childhood practitioners also use a techni,ue of ha&ing children help other children cope with
fears. The teacher sends a gentle, outgoing child o&er to interact with the fearful child who is hanging back
from participating in acti&ities. /ome early educators ha&e a real talent for linking up one child with another
for the good of both. /ome go so far as to suggest to parents that so"and"so might be a good friend to in&ite
o&er. The friendships that result from these linkages sometimes last for years.
Family or Child Centered 4ome9
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By /ally Burgess
Forefront Families
Kpdated on !ec 8J, :CCH
(e belie&e that a successful home is parent"directed, family"orientated, and outward"focused. (e do not
belie&e in a child"centered home for the following reasons.
Before a couple ha&e children they usually only ha&e themsel&es and their own stuff to think about. (hen a
baby comes along, the whole world re&ol&es around what that baby needs. This is what is to be e0pected of
course. The baby can+t tell them what it wants so it cries until its needs are answered. The other e&ening we
watched an ?prah (infrey show where an Australian woman described how easy it was to know what a
newborn baby needed by listening to the type of cry it made. #f only # had known this &ital information when
my kids were newborns, we would ha&e all had a lot more sleep7 # digress. arents ha&e sole responsibility
for their little person and they take it &ery seriously.
As the baby becomes a toddler, they are harder to keep up with and parents may, by this time, ha&e another
child on the way. #t seems that for the ne0t 8H years the parents+ li&es are filled with e&erything their kids
want or need, and they think they will ne&er regain those wonderful early years. (e ha&e good news.
(hen we say we belie&e a home should be family oriented, we mean that parents are actually part of the
family. (e ha&e found that when parents concentrate solely on kids+ needs, the dynamic is completely
lopsided. The kids are in control of the family+s direction and their needs always seem to come first. 3ids
may get the notion that the uni&erse re&ol&es around them. This situation is not preparing them for the real
world. #t is not teaching them that they are part of a team and a community. #t doesn+t encourage them to
consider others, to fit into others+ plans, or to &alue their parents. To be family oriented, the whole family
needs to ha&e e,ual share of fun time along with family chores. To pro&ide for, and ensure one another+s
needs are met, the family has to ha&e a plan. (hen kids decide they want to be in sports teams, attend
gymnastics, music, or dance classes, a family meeting needs to take place to discuss how this will affect the
family unit. E&ery aspect needs to be thought through. 4ow long is the class9 4ow many practices will there
be per week9 (ho is going to pro&ide the transport9 4ow much will the acti&ity cost9 !oes it mean the
family dynamics will be impacted in fa&or of one member abo&e others9
3ids need to learn to think about what parents want and make sure they can en2oy fun acti&ities too. 4ow
can this happen9 #n those family talks, each member of the family has a turn to say what they would like to
do B what hobby, what sport, what study etc. # remember when my kids were in pre"school and # decided #
wanted to start Kni&ersity study as an e0ternal student. # didn+t 2ust go ahead and buy the books and start. #
discussed it with my husband. (e talked about how much time it would take per week, whether we could
afford the fees, and what # would do with the kids when # was trying to study. There was also the problem
what to do with the children when # had to tra&el se&eral hundred miles to attend a week long inBhouse
course at the Kni&ersity. # was &ery grateful that my husband saw what doing this study would mean to me
and he did e&erything he could to help me. arents can ha&e a life when their kids are still small. (e did.
Controlling arental Anger
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Do&e ?ur Children K/A
Kpdated on Feb :=, :C88
'ow to &eep %our (ool
Mi&e wor&s all day ... long, hard hours. He has a successful $usiness and wor&s hard to &eep a good
relationship with his clients and employees. 0ut ?E minutes with Annie, his four-year-old, and he $ecomes a
rage-a-holic.
%very night when he comes home, he 6ust wants to relax and read the newspaper, $ut Annie wants to play.
He tells her nicely to watch 23, and she refuses.
!uddenly lightening hits, and he#s screaming at her and stomping around the house. He#s in a rage F
slamming doors, you name it F He can<t control himself.)
Anyone can be angry M e&en the most able and mild"mannered parent. arents like 5ike worry about the
fre,uency and intensity of anger they feel toward their children. A lot of this anger comes from utter
frustration "" not knowing how to manage children's beha&ior. Anger also occurs when a child falls short of a
parent's e0pectations, when kids embarrass their parents in public, and when they show disrespect.
Knresol&ed frustration leads to distress, and fre,uent angry outbursts ensue.
An!er Doesn't $or)
arents+ uncontrollable outbursts rarely impro&e children's beha&ior. !on't you secretly wish they would9
(ouldn't parenting be easier if you could yell at your child, R@et dressed right now, young lady. /top playing
around and wasting time. *ou're going to make me late for work and #+ll lose my 2ob,R and your daughter
would 2ump into her clothes and then climb into the car, waiting patiently while you put on your makeup and
make one ,uick phone call9
*ou might think a child would comply with angry demands to a&oid the unpleasantness of these scenes, but
that usually isn't the case. /ome children become immune to your angerL they ignore it, while for others,
anger has a contagious effectL children fight back with an angry defensi&e response of their own.
arents need to find effecti&e, realistic ways to deal with anger. Children are gifts M treasures M 2ewels. As
angry as you may be, remember how much you lo&e them. )e&er let yourself forget that B first and foremost.
#f you were treated with anger when you were a child, remember it and feel it. 6emember how bad it felt9 /o
why would you want to inflict the same hurt on your children9
Find The "alance
E&en though anger is not the emotion you want per&ading your household, it's unrealistic to think that you
will always be a calm RBrady BunchR kind of mom or dad. #f you suppress your anger so much that you're
like a smoldering &olcano, e&entually you+ll blow , but on the other hand you can't allow your fury to run
unchecked.
'ow Do %ou .tri)e A "alance8
Knderstand that you'll always respond more effecti&ely if you notice when those feelings of anger are
starting to well up, while they're still at a low le&el of intensity.
(hen your anger starts to build, stop, count to 8C, and take some deep breaths.
5o&e slowly toward your child and get on his or her le&elL sit on the floor near your toddler or
preschoolerL sit on the sofa ne0t to your older child.
#f you are truly ready to e0plode, call a neighbor and ask them to stay with the kids while you out for
a walk.
Dea&e the house as soon as you can find someone to stay with the kids.
Now4 $hat Do %ou .ay8
Tell your child that you are starting to get angry. !escribe the e0act situation that's pro&oking your anger'
R*our toys are scattered all o&er the floor.R
E0plain what you want done about it, and put a time limit on it' R!inner will be in 8C minutes. # e0pect them to
be cleaned up and put away before we eat. #'ll set the timer.R
#ro!ress4 Not #erfection
#t+s a gi&en that children's naughty beha&ior pro&okes anger in their parents. Dearning new responses takes
a lot of effort, and change comes slowly. #f you succeed once a week in using your anger producti&ely to
impro&e children's beha&ior, gi&e yourself credit for small successes. #t takes time and it takes patience.
&now $hen To >et 'elp
#f you feel that your children ha&e taken away your freedom, are depleting your finances and are draining
your energy, and you+re unleashing anger at them because of that B it+s not fair7 )ow is the time to seek
professional assistance to manage your own internal struggles.
$or)in! Throu!h The #ro/lem
#n the case of 5ike and his daughter Annie, 5ike had to decide what he wanted to occur e&ery night and
then find a constructi&e way to make it happen. (ith the help of a counselor, he worked through the
problem. 4e identified his need for some peace and ,uiet when he arri&ed home from work, but reali1ed that
Annie needed him, too.
4e was determined to gi&e Annie his first fi&e minutes once he got home, watching T> with her. 4e couldn+t
belie&e how this little bit of attention worked, and it freed 5ike to read the newspaper in ,uiet.
Anger shrinks intimacy and keeps children at an emotional distance. #t can take o&er your home and destroy
the parent"child relationship. #f you learn how to manage anger, your children will learn to e0press anger as
you do.
3sta/lish %our 3,uili/rium
(hen your anger gets the best of you, do something to bring yourself back to your emotional e,uilibrium B
turn on some music, take a nap, go for a walk, call a friend. After, try to secure your relationship with your
child, spend some time together in a mutually en2oyable acti&ity.
Do&e, nurturing and 2oy should be the o&erriding feelings e0pressed in your home. And when those
o&erwhelming feelings of anger do well up, if you can't think of anything else to do or say, take a deep
breath, shift into low gear and focus away from your child. *ou'll like yourself better in the morning.
(alm:Down .trate!ies
Tried and tested strategies to smooth out turbulent parenting waters for e&ery parent'
?ffer A (hoice
*our child+s friend came o&er to play. *ou hear name"calling. R*ou're stupid.R R*ou're a geek.R R(ell, you're a
nerd.R #nstead of getting angry and yelling RQust stop that right now7R offer a choice' R# hear name"calling. *ou
ha&e a choice. Either the name"calling must stop, or your friend must go home.R #f you hear name"calling
again, send the friend home with an apology and the hope of a better playtime together tomorrow.
30press %our Feelin!s
*ou+re e0hausted from a long day at work, you walk in the door to the annoying sounds of your kids
screaming R/he ruined my game.R R# didn't mean toL it's 2ust a stupid old game anyway.R R#t's my fa&orite
game. # hate ha&ing a little sister.R #nstead of blaming them by saying R*ou kids are making me so mad7 #
work hard all day and don+t need to come home to this fighting.R #nstead, e0press your feelings' R#'m crabby.
#'&e had a terrible day. (hen # hear fighting, it makes me crabbier. @et a snack. #'m taking a bath.R
Accept %our (hild's Feelin!s
*our daughter is insulting her stepsister who is &isiting for the weekend. #nstead of saying $*ou're being rude
and 2ealousR in an angry &oice, accept your child's feelings by saying R# understand it's difficult to share your
dad when your stepsister comes for the weekend, but # will not allow you to be rude.R #f the rudeness
continues, send her to her bedroom for some ,uiet time.
.tate A Rule
The children's disagreement ha&e come to blows. 6ather than scream an angry threat like RThat hitting must
stop instantly or we+re not going to the mo&ie7R state a rule by saying R4itting is not allowed. /u1ie, you
empty the dishwasher and 5ichael, make your bed. (e'll discuss the mo&ie when your chores are done and
you'&e calmed down.R
Assert %our Balues
*our child is attempting homework in front of the T>. #nstead of nagging R!o your homework,R R!o your
homework or you won't get good grades,R R*ou'd better do your homework or you won't get into college%
assert your &alues' R4omework is more important than T>. The T> goes off until homework is done.R
(ope $ith %our (hild+s Feelin!s
Children's feelings of anger, 2ealousy, and e&en hatred need to be acknowledged and allowed appropriate
e0pression. By accepting children's strong feelings, you can show them their feelings are part of normal
human e0perience. #t+s actually helpful for you to tell a child that all people feel these ways at times.
4elp children learn acceptable ways to e0press strong feelings. (hen their e0pressions are hurtful or
demeaning, redirect them. Ask your child to rephrase anger in a more acceptable manner, but allow your
child the right to feel angry.
?ften you must tell your child what a better or more appropriate way might be. *ou could say, R(hen you're
mad at me, this is how #'d like you to tell me' '(hat you said made me so angry.' Then # can listen better to
your feelings and be more willing to try and work things out.R
/tate angry feelings without accusing anyone. arental anger is a useful tool when it is e0pressed in
non2udgmental language.
(hen you firmly state your anger, you emphasi1e the rules and let children know clearly and strongly how
you feel.
atch $ords To Feelin!s
5atch your e0pressions of anger to the way you really feel. #f you are only mildly annoyed say, R#'m a bit
annoyedR or RThis is irritating me.R #f you are &ery angry, it is more appropriate to say, R#'m &ery mad about
thisR or RThis has made me &ery angry.R
A&oid yelling and shoutingL instead e0press your anger in a firm &oice. )e&er e0pose children to hurtful
anger.
#t is normal for parents to feel frustrated by children. Knfortunately, though, when some parents feel this way
they fre,uently &ent their anger by saying to their children, R# could kill you for that7R or R#'ll wring your neck7R
For that parent, these are empty words, spoken without forethought. But e0pressions such as these are
damaging to a child. E&en though you don't mean these statements and ha&e absolutely no intention of
carrying them out, your child, howe&er, does not know this.
These e0pressions of hurtful anger should ne&er be said by parents to children of any age.
Find other ways to &ent your anger. @i&e safe e0pression to your feelings. All parents do get intensely angry
at their children at times.
4ow can you get relief9 First, make sure your child is safe and then gi&e yourself a moment alone to allow
these feelings silent e0pression. After thinking through the feelings or e&en saying them out loud to yourself
or a friend pri&ately, you will feel better. Take a deep breath and return to your child, ready to state your
anger in a helpful way.
)e&er humiliate or degrade your child. Aim your disappro&al at your child's beha&ior, not character. #nstead
of saying, R*ou're a rotten kid,R you can say, R# don't like what you're doing right now.R
Timing is important. /ometimes we plunge in too ,uickly to handle a situation and end up saying or doing
something we wish we hadn't. Take some time before rushing into a situation. E0cept in a true emergency,
there are always a few seconds, e&en minutes, to spare. Dea&e the room if you need to, take a deep breath
and ask yourself, R(hat do # really want to accomplish here9R After finding a positi&e response, go in and
handle the situation.
/ometimes we don't inter&ene soon enough. !on't wait until your anger and the child's beha&ior are out of
control. @o in and set the limit before the situation goes too far.
Never4 3ver 'urt A (hild
Children are not to be used for hitting7
/ome parents say that there are times they are so angry with a child that hitting them is the only way to gain
control.
Anger is a powerful emotion and it should not be used to frighten or harm children.
(hen e0pressing anger with words is 2ust not enough, relief comes in other ways. Qump rope, play
basketball, 2og or take a walk, shake out rugs, scrub a floor, bang on the piano or hammer in the workshop.
This can pro&ide great relief. These acti&ities also offer children a healthy model for dealing with their own
anger.
#f you feel like you ha&e to or are going to hit your child, hit a pillow. 4itting a pillow is a therapeutic
techni,ue for letting off intense, momentary anger. 4itting children is ne&er appropriate.
*ou do need to set necessary limits for children. True discipline is teaching and guiding children, relying on a
&ariety of constructi&e, positi&e and helpful approaches. /tress the family rule' Reople are not for hurting,R
and e&eryone in the household will obey it.
$ords 'urt
(ords can wound our children deeper than a slap at times. 5any of the seemingly harmless words that so
easily pop out of our mouths like R(hy can't you be more like your sister9R can cause se&ere emotional
in2ury and chip away at a child's self"esteem. The words parents use form the basis of a child's sense of self.
(ords are like a mirror reflecting back to our children &ital information about who they are and what they will
become.
#t's easy to &erbally harm our children in subtle ways, often in the mistaken belief that we are doing what is
best to teach them to beha&e. 5ost children are resilient and can handle an occasional hurtful comment
from their parents. The more we are aware of potentially harmful statements, the more likely we will be to
find other ways to influence our children. #f you find that you habitually use the 8C red"flag statements
described below and can't stop yourself, you should seek help from a professional counselor or 2oin an
organi1ation such as arents Anonymous.
A group of mental"health professionals and a group of parents were asked what parental &erbali1ations, if
any, they considered so potentially harmful to a child's self"worth that the words should ne&er be used.
Although the two groups did not regard parental nagging, shouting or critici1ing to be serious problems, they
were in remarkable agreement about what parents should not say to their children. 4ere are the results.
Name:(allin!
R!ummyR M R*ou're a bad boyR M R(hat a klut1R "" all of these are harmful7
4armful' arents' words are like word of @od to a child. #f you label a child as a R2erk,R RbratR or Rbaby,R he is
likely to belie&e it's true. /ince negati&e labels assault a child's personality rather than a specific beha&ior,
his self"esteem will be diminished. Dabels tend to become self"fulfilling prophecies. The child who is told she
is RclumsyR might a&oid dancing or playing sports. The child labeled RshyR may seek to a&oid contact with
peers and adults.
4elpful'!irect your child's attention to a particular beha&ior that needs changing, e.g., RThis room is getting
messy7R RThe paper and pencils you left on the floor need to be picked up now.R
Re1ection
R# wish you were ne&er bornR M R)obody could lo&e you.R
4armful' 6e2ection means you state a strong dislike or a desire to separate from your child. To a child, being
unlo&ed by the person who brought you into the world means you really must be unlo&able. (hat children
need more than anything else from their parents is to feel that they are lo&ed unconditionally, i.e., that they
are lo&ed for who they are rather than for what they do or fail to do.
4elpful' ?n a daily basis, openly communicate your affection for your child with both &erbal ER# lo&e youRF and
physical Ehugs, pats on the shoulderF e0pressions
Ne!ativity
R*ou'll ne&er amount to anythingR M R*ou're going to be locked up on 2ail someday.R
4armful' Children tend to li&e up""or down""to what we belie&e about them. A minister once &isited a prison
to speak to a large group of inmates. 4e asked how many of them were told when they were children that
they would end up in 2ail. The minister was shocked when almost e&eryone present raised their hand.
arents need to belie&e in their children and predict a good future for them.
4elpful' R*ou're going through some hard times right now, but # want you to know that #'ll ne&er gi&e up on
you.R
.cape!oatin!
R*ou made me lose my temperR M R*ou're the reason your mother and # are getting a di&orceR M R*our
brother would ne&er do that. *ou must ha&e done it.R
4armful' /capegoating means blaming a child for the actions of others. Children are a con&enient and easy
target to fault for the troubles of other family members. #f our children are to learn to take responsibility for
their actions, we must set an e0ample of being personally accountable for our mistakes and weaknesses.
4elpful' #f you lose your temper, as soon as you cool down, apologi1e to your child by saying something like,
R#'m sorry # yelled at you. #'m feeling &ery tired today and # need to work harder on controlling my temper.R
#erfectionism
R4ow come you only came in second9R M R*ou only got a AG on your e0am9 (hat happened to the other
three points9R
4armful' erfectionist parents push or pressure their kids to be the best soccer player andSor get straight A's
in school. The message behind the demand is, R*ou're not good enough the way you are.R To hold children
to unrealistic e0pectations only leads to their loss of self"confidence.
4elpful' To accentuate the positi&e, you might say things like, R)ice work on getting so many A's on your
report card,R or R*ou really ran a good race. *ou started strong and finished with a burst of speed.R
(omparin!
R(hy can't you be more like your sister9R M R(hen # was your age, # used to walk three miles to school.R
4armful' (hen you inform your child that he isn't as well beha&ed or high achie&ing as his sister, you sow
the seeds to resentment and bitter ri&alry between your children. Children should not feel in competition with
other family members because one will ine&itably feel de&alued and inferior to the others. E&en positi&e
comparisons can backfire. (hen you say, R*ou're better at tennis than your brother,R you instill competiti&e
feelings and discord among siblings.
4elpful' 6ather than saying, R*ou're much better at pitching than your brother was at your age,R say, R?&er
the past year, your control has impro&ed a great deal when you pitch.R
.hamin!
R*ou should be ashamed of yourself"" you're acting like a baby7R M R# can't belie&e you're afraid of a little
kitten.R
4armful' #n shaming, a child is made to feel defecti&e and inade,uate about a mistake or misdeed. /haming
demorali1es a child rather than empowering her to change. /ome parents publicly humiliate a child by
pointing out a child's weaknesses, e.g., bed"wetting, to others. /hame tends to lead to a compelling urge to
hide or withdraw from the source of shame.
4elpful' 6ather than saying, R*ou're too old to cry,R say, R/ometimes it's hard to share. )e0t time we'll put
your special toys away.R
(ursin!
R@o to hell7R M R@oddamn you7R
4armful' There are few things more de&astating to a child than to be &erbally attacked by a parent in an
obscene or profane manner. Children depend almost entirely on their parents' reactions to know whether
they are good or bad, smart or dumb, lo&ed or unlo&able. They are &ery &ulnerable emotionally. A child is
likely to internali1e her parent's hostility and conclude the worst about herself.
4elpful' #n lieu of an e0pleti&e, gi&e an asserti&e statement that tells your child what she did wrong and why
it is unacceptable, e.g., R(hen you lea&e the kitchen table a mess, it means more work for someone else.
The table needs to be cleared off now and wiped clean.R
Threats
R#f you don't get o&er here right now, #'ll dri&e off and lea&e you here.R M R#f you do that again, #'ll ha&e the
police take you away.R
4armful' A threat is an e0aggerated statement of impending harm that parents use to intimidate or terrori1e a
child, e.g., R#'ll break e&ery bone in your body if you don't beha&e.R Threats create a climate of fear and make
a child feel that he is li&ing in an unsafe and hostile world. A threat of abandonment is particularly traumatic
to children, since they are so &ulnerable and dependent on their parents for basic sur&i&al needs.
4elpful' Children should recei&e warnings not threats. A warning is a realistic Rif"thenR statement of what will
happen to a child if he continues to misbeha&e, e.g., R#f you try to pinch your sister again, you'll ha&e to go to
time"out.R
>uilt Trips
R4ow could you do that after all #'&e done for you9R M R*ou'll be the death of me yet7R
4armful' Children who are made to feel guilty for normal mistakes or problems that are beyond their control
will come to belie&e that they are responsible for e&ery negati&e thing that happens in a family, leading to an
o&erwhelming sense of guilt. E0cessi&e guilt can inhibit a child's engagement in new or autonomous
beha&iors for fear of offending a parent.
4elpful' R#t's wrong to take something belonging to someone else without asking permission. 4ow would you
feel if your brother took something from your room without asking9R
#dentity !e&elopment in Adolescence
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By .C. BroderickY. Blewitt
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul ::, :C8C
sychologically, all adolescents need room to grow and safe places to test their newly emerging sel&es.
Ksing knowledge of the processes of e0ploration and commitment as a framework, counselors can start the
assessment process by considering how the particular adolescent before them is going about meeting her
needs for autonomy, relatedness, and competence. The ways in which adolescents try to meet each of
these needs will look &ery different at age 8< than they did at age H. /ome teenage beha&iors seem strange
and annoying, but they might not be dangerous. 4elping parents and others sort this out can be &ery helpful.
#n other cases when alternati&es may be lacking, teenagers might try to meet their fundamental needs in
ways that are potentially harmful. 4elping adolescents find healthy and de&elopmentally appropriate routes
for e0pressing independence, for feeling part of a social group, and for e0periencing satisfaction in
accomplishment pro&ides a sound basis for helping.
Based upon the material presented in this chapter, counselors should also keep in mind that the teenage
years are a time of acti&e e0ploration. /tri&ing to make early college decisions or committing to a career path
while in high school may be de&elopmentally inappropriate goals for many adolescents who lack the life
e0perience necessary to make personally meaningful choices. Although teenagers who make these
decisions may appear mature to obser&ers and may establish themsel&es as role models for their peers,
their beha&ior may actually reflect a pseudo"maturity that is more akin to premature foreclosure in certain
domains, such as &ocational identity.
As we ha&e seen, a certain amount of egocentrism appears to go with the adolescent territory. #t is often
,uite a bit easier for parents and other adults to respond authoritati&ely, with lo&e and limits, to children
when they are young. /omething in the nature of their open dependence makes adults feel needed, &alued,
and important. The task often gets harder during the teenage years, at least in cultures and families that
&alue independence and opportunities for personal e0pression. Being an adult authority figure in an
adolescent+s life may entail some hard times, when lo&e and patience are put to the test. /ometimes
adolescents+ self"absorption seems impenetrable. #n what may mirror adolescents+ own sense of
separateness, adults also can feel isolated.
(atching teenagers struggle with the problems of adolescence is painful, particularly when they beha&e
egocentrically, when they are emotionally &olatile, when they act as if they do not want or need our help, or
when they acti&ely rebel against the limits we ha&e set. #n some especially difficult situations, teenagers
ha&e managed to con&ince the adults around them that they are their e,uals and that they are entitled to
wield much of the power. /ome adults are inclined to a&oid the grueling 2ob of limit setter and enforcer
because they may feel worn down, may ha&e their own personal struggles to contend with, or may simply
not know what to do. /ometimes parents take their cues, despite their better 2udgment, from other
teenagers+ more permissi&e families. Adults who are responsible for adolescents need to be committed to
authoritati&e practices for the long haul. !espite their protestations, the last thing adolescents need is for
parents, teachers, or counselors to disengage from them or abdicate their authoritati&e role. #n particular,
research has shown that in&ol&ed and &igilant parenting has been critically important in protecting poor
African American youth from potentially dangerous outcomes like delin,uency EBrody et al., :CC8F.
6aising @reat Teens' arent Teen 6elationships
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%our teen still needs you more than ever
Although it may seem like your teen doesn't need you anymore, children at this age actually need their
parents more than e&er. And although it may seem like he isn't listening to what you say, teens do consider
their parents' actions, opinions and &alues when making decisions for themsel&es. Dife gets busier as
children get older, and your teen probably spends most of his time outside of school with friends or talking to
friends. Although these friendships are important, it is also important to talk and listen to your teen and
spend time together as a family.
'ow to /uild a !ood relationship with your teen
"e actively interested in your teen's life. E&en though your child no longer needs you to arrange
her get"togethers with friends, you should still know who her friends are and make an effort to meet their
parents. *our teen may be responsible, but you should still know where she is, what she is doing, and
who she is with.
Tal) with your teen4 not at him. Try to a&oid arguing with your teen, because as both of you get
more emotional, you will be less likely to listen to the other person and more likely to say something you
don't mean. #f you need to, take a time out from the con&ersation and come back to it when you both are
calm. Try to listen to your teen's emotions and his point of &iew. 6emember that things ha&e changed
from when you were a teen.
.hare thin!s with your teen. *our teen is old enough to understand what is going on in the world
around her. Take your teen to work with you for a day to see what the real world is like. Talk to her about
what she thinks she might want to do after high school and encourage her to e0plore this by taking on
an after school 2ob. Det your child know of stressful circumstances, such as if things are tight financially
for your family right now. Children see and hear more than we think. !iscuss things in the news with
your teen.
.chedule in family time. 5ake sure to schedule some one"on"one time with your teen. Although
e&eryone has busy schedules, take ad&antage of the short times you ha&e his undi&ided attention, such
as when you both are in the car together, to ask him about school or friends. E&en though your teen
may be too old for a bedtime story, take a few minutes to sit in his room when you go in to say
goodnight and talk about things. Family dinners are important, e&en when your child is a teenager, so try
to make sure you eat together as often as possible, and away from the tele&ision7 Find an acti&ity that
you both can en2oy together, from going to the gym to watching the news together for a half hour e&ery
night.
@uidelines For !isciplining *oung Children
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earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on ?ct :=, :C8C
4ere are some general guidelines #+&e found useful for disciplining young children. #f you pass them on to
families, and are open to discussion, you might learn something more about the family. #f you model these
beha&iors, the message is e&en stronger than the written word. 5aybe families will want to discuss what
they see you doing. *ou might e&en get into a dialogue with them and e0pand your &iew. E&erybody stands
to gain from discussions about guidance.
(ommunicate with children what you are doin! and why. !on+t reason at length, but pro&ide
reasons. #f you do this, children will e&entually do their own reasoning.
(hec) communication to see whether it is clear. #f it is not, you may disco&er that you ha&e
ambiguous feelings about the situation. #f you+&e called the children in for lunch, for e0ample, and they
aren+t coming in, maybe something is going on. (as breakfast late and nobody is really hungry, but
you+re trying to keep to the schedule9 5aybe the children are picking up on your ambiguity and that+s
why they aren+t responding to you. An e0ample #+&e dealt with as a parent educator is when children
won+t go to bed at night. #t doesn+t take a whole lot of discussion to reali1e that some parents who ha&e
been away all day ha&e &ery ambiguous feelings about putting the children to bed. Children feel the
ambiguity and are less likely to do as they are told than when the parent is &ery clear and certain.
Trust children. 5isbeha&ior often comes as a result of children being thwarted in ha&ing their needs
met. Dook closely at any pattern of misbeha&ior, and take the attitude that this beha&ior is trying to
communicate something. Trust the child to know what he or she needs, e&en though on the surface the
beha&ior may look 2ust plain troublesome or contrary. Qust because he or she seems to be $out to get
you% doesn+t mean that there aren+t needs behind the beha&iors.
Trust yourself. *ou also ha&e needs. *ou can only make good choices about guiding and
disciplining children when your own needs are met. (hen your needs clash with children+s needs, stri&e
to find a balance, so that no one+s needs are neglected. Con&ey the message to children that
e&eryone+s needs are importantOtheirs and yours, too.
"uild !ood relationships. (hate&er approach you take to discipline will be more effecti&e if it
comes from a lo&ing place. 6emember in Chapter how )el )oddings+s E:CC:F approach to creating
moral people is to focus on the caring relationship. 4er ethic of care in&ol&es close, positi&e, caring
relationships. (hen adults come from a place of genuine caring, guidance and discipine measures work
much better than when they are used as mere techni,ues by an adult without any relationship with the
child.
!iscipline' Children (ho 5isbeha&e
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By 6. 3ris Qenkins, 4E/ /pecialist in Bates County, Kni&ersity of 5issouri E0tension
5issouri Families
Kpdated on !ec H, :C8C
!iscipline is always a hot topic with parents. But, when parents separate andSor di&orce, the child+s beha&ior
can create great concern.
$4ow, when and Vif+ to discipline can become a bone of contention between parents,% according to 3ris
Qenkins, 4E/ /pecialist, Kni&ersity of 5issouri E0tension. But how much of the misbeha&ior can be credited
to the di&orce or separation9
$The bottom line is that A** children misbeha&e,% said Qenkins $They are children after all and they are
always testing and learning what is acceptable.% #f you understand why children misbeha&e, it can be easier
to decide if your children+s misbeha&ior is related to the changes in their li&es or 2ust part of a natural
process of growing up.
$hy Do &ids is/ehave8
Children misbeha&e for a &ariety of reasons. /ometimes it+s simpleOthey are hungry, tired, ill, or ha&e been
cooped up without e0ercise. ?ther times, it+s more complicated. Children can misbeha&e because they
need'
Attention. They feel important when getting the parent+s total attention. 5ore parental attention when
children are beha&ing can help this problem.
Reven!e. (hen children are sad or hurt, they may act out to get e&en. This often happens in situations of
di&orce because children don+t ha&e the emotional maturity to know how to deal with the hurt and pain.
A feelin! of control. (hen children feel that factors in their li&es are out of control Esuch as parent+s
separationF, they can act out.
ore confidence. #f they feel they are inade,uate in some way, they may misbeha&e to di&ert attention or to
make you e0pect less of them.
#t+s important to remember that all children, not 2ust those in&ol&ed in parental problems, misbeha&e. #n fact,
some children seem unaffected by e&ents whether positi&e or negati&e. $A child+s bad beha&ior after parents
split can be tricky to decipher,% adds Qenkins. #s your child biting his sister because he misses his mom or
because that is what kids do before they learn how to control their anger9 !id your daughter miss curfew
because she 2ust didn+t want to lea&e the fun or was she mad because her dad didn+t show up for &isitation
that week9
Qenkins reminds, $As a single parent, you ha&e to consider carefully why your child is misbeha&ing and try to
decode the emotions behind that misbeha&ior.% ?n the other hand, to use the di&orce or separation as a
reason for all misbeha&ior is usually an o&erreaction. True misbeha&ior happens when a child ('??.3.to
beha&e inappropriately. Before you discipline, make sure your child knows the beha&ior is inappropriate.
/imple ?bedience
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By /ally Burgess
Forefront Families
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E&er wondered how parents manage to get their kids to simply do as they are told B the first time9 #t is easy.
*es, really. *ou CA) do it7
'ere is how5
Both parents ha&e to agree.
Both parents ha&e to follow through and be consistent'
8. E0plain to your child what is e0pected of him.
:. 5ake him practice it.
;. raise him when he is doing it right.
<. 4a&e a conse,uence and tell him what it will be E(rite it down if necessaryF
=. (hen he does it wrong, this is what you do
@et down to his le&el and make him look at you. 4old his hands.
/peak in a low but firm &oice.
Tell him the right way to do it.
Tell him he did not follow your wishes and that he will now get the conse,uence B whate&er it was
you told him in the first place.
!o not plead, do not gi&e a second chance, and !? )?T gi&e in
!o not tolerate a tantrum.
Carry out the conse,uence.
E&aluate the situation at the end of the conse,uence and tell him that if he does not beha&e as
e0pected, a worse conse,uence will follow ne0t time. EE0plain what it will beF.
3eep your word
'ere is an e0ample5
<"year"old Qonnie has a problem with throwing toys. *ou e0plain to Qonnie how to look after his toys and that
he might hurt someone if he throws them around. *ou tell him that if he throws a toy again, he will ha&e it
taken away from him along with :S;rd the rest of his toys. *ou tell him that when he can look after those and
not throw them, he can ha&e some of the others back. *ou speak ,uietly but firmly. *ou praise him when he
is playing as you e0pect him to. #f Qonnie throws a toy, you get down to his le&el and make him look at you.
4old his hands. Tell him ,uietly and firmly what he did wrong and that you now ha&e to take the other agreed
toys away until he shows you he will not do that again. /tick to your word.
Another e0ample5
88 year old 5adison is a sports nut. /he lo&es to skate and play softball. /he lea&es her stuff all o&er the
back yard and sometimes her skates get left out in the rain. /he was told, when she first got the gear, how
she needed to look after it and where she needed to store it. /he hasn+t done it. The conse,uence was that
you would take the gear away for a month. Qust do it. !on+t gi&e in to her pleading and begging. *ou ga&e
the boundaries. /he made the choice.
@rowing Toward /elf !iscipline
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By Qinny 4opp, 4uman !e&elopment /pecialist
5issouri Families
Kpdated on 5ar =, :CCA
A formula that answers all of the parenting ,uestions about child discipline does not e0ist. Children are
uni,ue and so are their families. As a result, a discipline strategy that might work with one child may not
work with another.
That is one reason why family specialists continually remind parents and caregi&ers that positi&e guidance
and discipline are crucial to promoting a child's self"control, teaching responsibility and helping children
make thoughtful choices.
The more effecti&e caregi&ers are at encouraging appropriate child beha&ior, the less time and effort adults
will spend correcting children's misbeha&ior. E&ery adult who cares for children has a responsibility to guide,
correct and sociali1e children toward appropriate beha&iors.
5any family specialists agree that using physical force, threats and put"downs can interfere with a child's
healthy de&elopment. For e0ample, there is e&idence that physical punishment has negati&e effects on
children.
Effecti&e guidance and discipline focuses on the de&elopment of the child while preser&ing the child's self"
esteem and dignity. Actions that insult or belittle can cause children to &iew their parents and others
negati&ely, which can inhibit learning and teach the child to be unkind to others. 4owe&er, actions that
acknowledge the child+s efforts and progress, no matter how slow or small, are likely to encourage healthy
de&elopment.
Teaching children self"discipline is a demanding task. #t re,uires patience, thoughtful attention, cooperation
and a good understanding of the child. #t also re,uires knowledge of one's own strengths and struggles with
disciplinary issues.
arenting and childcare will always be challenging, no matter how well prepared you are. 4owe&er, helping
your children achie&e self"discipline is worth your effort. #t is a ma2or foundation for life"long personal and
social de&elopment.
Teaching 3ids to 5ake (ise Choices
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By /ally Burgess
Forefront Families
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/ome time ago # had dinner with a good friend and her family. They had a nine" year"old son who decided to
stand on a dining room chair at the dinner table while we were eating. The mother looked up at him and
started pleading in a whining tone, $!aniel, will you please sit down and finish your dinner. *ou know you
shouldn+t be standing up there like that. lease9% # was astonished. (hat should ha&e happened is this. The
child should ha&e been taught table manners as a ; year"old. (hen kids are gi&en clear e0pectations, they
know the conse,uences of not following them. Therefore, they are making the choice to be obedient or not.
4is choice was to stand on a chair at the table. @i&en he knew the conse,uences of his actions through
pre&ious training, all his mother needed to say was, $!aniel, you know your table manners. @et down
immediately and lea&e the table. # will discuss this beha&ior with you when we ha&e finished our dinner.% E#
suspect in this case !aniel wasn+t taught good table manners at an early ageF
As soon as a parent pleads with their child, the child is in control " they are calling the shots. This is not
where a parent should be at any time in parent"child dynamics. (e do not subscribe to the concept of Vthe
child"centered home+. (e belie&e the home should be Vparent directed, family orientated and outward
focused+.
# am also ama1ed at the amount of choice parents gi&e their toddlers. #n the market, # see a parent in the
cereal aisle. They are handing the child bo0es of cereal and saying, $(ould you like this one, or this one, or
this one, or this9% Children of this age don+t need to be presented with any more than two choices at the
most. @i&ing a child no choices is dangerous because they will e&entually rebel. 4owe&er, gi&ing one of two
choices to a &ery small child is ade,uate.
(hen parents gi&e children choices in e&erything from clothes to &acation locations, they often think they
can choose in all areas of life. This is not the case. Dife isn+t like that.
3ids need to be taught how to make good choices. They should be gi&en clear e0pectations from toddlers
through to adulthood. They learn to make good choices by " aF parent role modeling, bF ha&ing the results of
potential choices e0plained to them before they make decisions, cF being coached after making wrong
choices, dF being praised for making good choices.
Tantrums' (hy They 4appen and (hat to do About
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By Bonnie 5onte
Babycenter
Kpdated on Feb 8=, :C88
$hy C:year:olds throw tantrums
A temper tantrum is the emotional e,ui&alent of a summer storm O sudden and sometimes fierce, but often
o&er as ,uickly as it starts. ?ne minute you and your child are en2oying your dinner in a restaurant, the ne0t
she's whimpering, whining, and then screaming to go home. Two"year"olds are especially prone to such
episodes.
Though you may worry that you're raising a tyrant, take heart O at this age, it's unlikely that your child is
throwing a fit to be manipulati&e. 5ore likely, she's ha&ing a meltdown in response to frustration. ?ften, your
:"year"old's language skills O or lack thereof O are to blame. RTwo"year"olds are beginning to understand
more and more of the words they hear, yet their ability to articulate their feelings and needs is limited,R says
Claire B. 3opp, professor of applied de&elopmental psychology at California's Claremont @raduate
Kni&ersity. As a result, frustration builds when your child can't e0press how she feels.
$hat to do when your C:year:old pitches a fit
Don't lose your cool. A tantrum isn't a pretty sight. #n addition to kicking, screaming, or pounding the floor,
your child's repertoire may include throwing things, hitting, and e&en holding her breath until she turns blue
Edon't worryL she'll e&entually come up for airF. (hen your child is swept up in a tantrum, she's unable to
listen to reason, though she will respond O negati&ely O to your yelling or threatening. RThe more # shouted
at Brandon to stop, the wilder he would get,R says one mother. (hat worked instead, she disco&ered, was to
2ust sit down and be with him while he raged.
/tomping out of the room O tempting as that may be O can make your child feel abandoned. The storm of
emotion she's feeling can be frightening to her, and she needs to know you're nearby. 6ather than lea&e her
thrashing on the floor, go to her. #f she's not flailing too much, pick her up and hold her. Chances are she'll
find your embrace comforting, and will calm down more ,uickly.
Remem/er that you're the adult. )o matter how long the tantrum goes on, don't gi&e in to unreasonable
demands or negotiate with your screaming child. #t's especially tempting in public to ca&e in as a way of
ending the episode. Try not to worry about what others think O anyone who's a parent has been there
before. By conceding, you'll only be teaching your child that pitching a fit is the way to get what she wants,
and setting the stage for future beha&ior problems. (hat's more, a tantrum is frightening enough for your
child without her feeling that you#renot in control, either.
#f your :"year"old's outburst escalates to the point where she's hitting people or pets, throwing things, or
screaming nonstop, pick her up and carry her to a safe place, such as her bedroom, where she can't harm
herself. Tell her why she's there ERbecause you hit your sisterRF, and let her know that you'll stay with her until
she calms down. #f you're in a public place O a common breeding ground for tantrums O be prepared to
lea&e with your child until she gets a grip.
R5y daughter had an absolute fit at a restaurant because the plain spaghetti she ordered arri&ed with
chopped parsley on it,R another mother recalls. RAlthough # reali1ed why she was upset, # wasn't about to let
her disrupt e&eryone's dinner. # took her outside until she calmed down.R
Tal) it over afterward. (hen the storm subsides, hold your child close and talk about what happened.
Acknowledge her frustration, and help her put her feelings into words, saying something like, R*ou were &ery
angry because your food wasn't the way you wanted it,R 3opp suggests. Det her see that once she
e0presses herself in words, she'll get better results. /ay with a smile, R#'m sorry # didn't understand you. )ow
that you're not screaming, # can find out what you want.R
Try to head off tantrum:tri!!erin! situations. ay attention to what pushes your child's buttons and plan
accordingly. #f she falls apart when she's hungry, carry snacks with you. #f she has trouble making a
transition from one acti&ity to the ne0t, gi&e her a gentle heads"up before a change. Alerting her to the fact
that you're about to lea&e the playground or sit down to dinner ER(e're going to eat when you and !addy are
done with your storyRF gi&es her a chance to ad2ust instead of react.
*our child is grappling with independence, so offer her choices when you can. )o one likes being told what
to do all the time. /aying, R(ould you like corn or carrots9R rather than REat your corn7R will gi&e her a sense
of control. 5onitor how often you're saying no, too. #f you find you're rattling it off routinely, you're probably
putting unnecessary stress on both of you. Ease up and choose your battles O after all, would it really wreck
your schedule to spend an e0tra fi&e minutes at the playground9
$atch for si!ns of overstress. Though daily tantrums are a perfectly normal part of the terrible twos, you
do need to keep an eye out for possible problems brewing. 4as there been uphea&al in the family9 An
e0tremely busy or harried period9 Tension between you and your partner9 All of these can pro&oke
tantrums. #f after the age of : 8S: your child is still ha&ing ma2or tantrums e&ery day, talk to her pediatrician. #f
she's younger than : 8S: but has three or four tantrums a day and isn't cooperating with anyroutines, such
as getting dressed or picking up toys, you also may want to seek help. The pediatrician can make sure that
a physical or psychological condition isn't contributing to the problem, and suggest ways to deal with the
outbursts.
Child Abuse and )eglect
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By A. 6ahman .amani, 5!, 54
California Childcare 4ealth rogram
Kpdated on )o& 8:, :CCA
E&ery year, hundreds of thousands of children throughout the Knited /tates e0perience abuse and neglect.
This is a tragedy that can happen anywhere, affects all of us and has se&ere conse,uences.
$hat is child a/use8
Child abuse is usually repeated mistreatment or neglect of a child by parents or other guardians resulting in
in2ury or harm. There are three types. hysical abuse is harmful acts directed at children, including shaking,
beating, burning or any other non"accidental in2ury. /e&ere abuse may result in ma2or in2ury, permanent
physical or de&elopmental damage, or e&en death. /e0ual abuse consists of a range of se0ual beha&ior,
including fondling and masturbation. #t can also in&ol&e children in pornography. Emotional abuse includes
&erbal assault, blaming, critici1ing, belittling, re2ecting a child, or constantly treating siblings une,ually.
Emotional abuse causes harm to a child+s psychological capacity, emotional stability and social competence.
$hat is child ne!lect8
)eglect is the failure to meet a child+s basic needs. There are four types. Physical neglect is inade,uate
andSor unsafe super&ision of a child. Medical neglect is failure to seek needed medical attention for a child
and withholding of medically indicated treatment including appropriate nutrition, hydration and
medication.%ducational neglect is failure to abide by state laws regarding children+s compulsory
education. %motional neglect is ignoring a child+s social"emotional de&elopmental needs.
$hy do parents a/use their children8
#t is difficult to imagine that any person would intentionally harm a child. 5any times physical abuse is a
result of inappropriate or e0cessi&e physical discipline and lack of awareness of the magnitude of force
applied. eople who were &ictims of abuse themsel&es are also more likely to be abusi&e too. For them it is
simply the way they were raised and the only childrearing practice they are familiar with.
Dack of parenting knowledge, unrealistic e0pectations of children, fre,uent family crises, po&erty, physical
disabilities, stress, lack of community support systems, substance abuse, mental health problems and
domestic and other &iolence in the household are risk factors contributing to child abuse and neglect.
$hat are the conse,uences of child a/use and ne!lect8
6esearch and e&idence show that abuse and neglect are associated with both short and long"term negati&e
conse,uences for children+s physical and mental health, cogniti&e skills, educational achie&ement, and
social and beha&ioral de&elopment.
Abused children are likely to ha&e more physical in2uries and medical problems such as chronic pain,
abdominal complaints, asthma, eating disorders, insomnia and neurological symptoms. They may also
become depressed or self"destructi&e and may e&en attempt suicide. And abused children are also more
likely to become abusers and be in&ol&ed in &iolent criminal acti&ities later in life.
$hat does the law say8
E&ery state has laws mandating the reporting of child abuse and neglect. #n California, certain professionals,
including child care and health care pro&iders, are re,uired by law to report known or suspected cases of
child abuse andSor neglect. Although the primary purpose of the reporting law is to protect the child, it may
also pro&ide inter&ention opportunities for other children or adults in the home who are unable to ask for help
directly.
'ow can you help8
Child abuse is a &icious cycle and a symptom of parental problems. #t does not simply go away if ignored,
and cannot be treated by punishing the parents. By learning the facts about child abuse, helping or seeking
support for troubled families and reporting child abuse when you see it, you can help to protect children and
assist families in learning how to li&e together and cope with crises more appropriately.
The @uidance Approach to !iscipline
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By eb @ebeke, Family /cience /pecialist
)orth !akota /tate Kni&ersity E0tension /er&ice
Kpdated on Feb :A, :CCH
+n a guidance approach to discipline, parents use methods that reduce conflicts respectfully for parents and
children.
!iscipline is not punishment. #t is a means of helping the child learn acceptable ways to deal with personal
feelings and desires. unishment, on the other hand, is a reaction to misbeha&ior that is usually hurtful and
may e&en be unrelated to the misbeha&ior. unishment is ineffecti&e because it does not teach appropriate
beha&ior. Though it may pre&ent a repeat of the beha&ior in the short term, it does not teach the child Rwhat
to do instead,R so it rarely works in the long term. unishment may release the parent's angry feelings and
make the parent feel better, but it can create fear or humiliation in the child, and rarely leads to the creation
of a respectful relationship.
(hen children misbeha&e, parents and other adults need to help the child learn appropriate beha&iors.
unishment may gi&e immediate results, but does punishment build self"control9 !o children learn to cope
with their strong feelings and tough problems if they are punished9 6esearch supports the conclusion that
discipline works better than punishment and that children who are punished become &ery different people
than children who are disciplined.
This approach to discipline means using de&elopmentally appropriate guidance.
(hat is de&elopmentally appropriate9 That means you ha&e a clear understanding of the stage of
de&elopment your child is in. *ou know what can be e0pected for the age. (ith this in mind, you choose to
pick a discipline method that best fits the child and the situation.
erhaps the greatest ad&antage of this approach is that it is based on open communication, positi&e
discipline and that the techni,ues can apply to any age child. (ith a little practice and patience, you will
e0perience positi&e results.
#rinciples of a >uidance Approach
6esearch tells us that it's &ery important to respect the child's stage of de&elopment and not to label a child
as a beha&ioral failure. /e&en principles outline the basics of a guidance approach'
8. Children are in the process of learning acceptable beha&ior.
:. An effecti&e guidance approach is pre&enti&e because it respects feelings e&en while it addresses
beha&ior.
;. Adults need to understand the reasons for children's beha&ior.
<. A supporti&e relationship between an adult and a child is the most critical component of effecti&e
guidance.
=. Adults use forms of guidance and group management that help children learn self"control and
responsi&eness to the needs of others.
J. Adults model appropriate e0pression of their feelings.
G. Adults continue to learn e&en as they teach.
The guidance techni,ues that follow pro&ide tips to remember in stressful situations.
%our Role as a #arent
#t is important to see children as part of the total family system. /acrificing e&erything for their sake is
probably not a wise long"term decision or in&estment. arents also ha&e needs that must be met. Krie
Bronfenbrenner, a renowned child de&elopmentalist, suggests that e&ery child needs to ha&e people who
are really cra1y about him who lo&e him with all their hearts. arents are the people who can gi&e this total
lo&e to their child, and it may be the most important contribution they make to their child's de&elopment.
A child needs to know and feel that, no matter what, his parents lo&e him. arents can tell their child that
they may not like the beha&ior they ha&e 2ust obser&ed, but they will always lo&e him. Do&e is unconditional
and shared in a &ariety of ways with children.
Techni,ue Num/er 95 "ein! #ositive
Focus on RdoR instead of Rdon't.R Children tune out negati&e messages.
E0amples of changing Rdon'tR into RdoR'
8. !on't stand on the slide 8. /it down on the slide.
:. !on't park your bike there. :. *our bike belongs in the
bike rackSgarage.
Techni,ue Num/er C5 #ro/lem .olvin!
rotect and preser&e your children's feelings of being lo&able and capable.
E0amples of ways adults hinder or foster growth of self"concept'
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
!estructi&e
/ituation responses Better responses
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
5ark spills the 2uice RCan't you e&er do 4ere's the sponge. (ipe
he is carrying to anything right9R it up, and you can try
again.
*our fifth"grader R!on't you tell me R#t's not easy to settle
slams the door and what's fair7 *ou're arguments. (hen you're
yells, R*ou're not getting a smart ready to talk it o&er,
fair7R after you mouth7R come out and we'll see
break up a sibling if we can sol&e this
argument. problem together.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Techni,ue Num/er D5 ?fferin! (hoices
?ffer children choices only when you are willing to abide by their decisions.
@i&e them only the choices of beha&ior they can, in reality, choose.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Dikely to lead to
/ituation trouble #nstead, try
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
#t's shopping day, R(hat would you like R(ould you like toast
and your groceries for breakfast today9R and 2am or cereal for
are in short supply. breakfast9R

*our 8:"year"old often R@et out here and walk RAre you going to take
RforgetsR her chores. this dog.R the dog for a short
walk now or a long
hike after dinner9R
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Techni,ue Num/er ;5 (onsiderin! the 3nvironment
Consider changing the en&ironment instead of the child's beha&ior. AdultSchild conflicts may arise because
some part of the physical setting or en&ironment is inappropriate or because adults e0pect more control or
more mature beha&ior than children can achie&e.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Beha&ior En&ironmental changes
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
The preschool group has many milk ro&ide hea&y"bottomed
spills at e&ery meal. Their paper wide plastic glasses or
cups seem to tip o&er e&ery other cups.
minute.
*our school"age children walk in #nstall low, sturdy hooks
the house and drop coats and school near the entry.
bags at the back door.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Techni,ue Num/er G5 "ein! Realistic
?bser&e children, learn what is de&elopmentally appropriate for their ages and then determine the most
acceptable way for them to continue what they're doing.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
roblem /olution
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Fi&e"year"old /cott wants to help Figure out the tasks /cott can do,
his parents with their preparation then find a workplace for him in
of a @erman dinner. Efforts to the kitchen and let him pitch in.
persuade him to watch tele&ision
or ride his tricycle ha&e failed.
/i0teen"year"old /usan is a good !iscuss car a&ailability and work
dri&er who wants to dri&e to school schedules. !e&elop a plan together
e&ery day. to allow dri&ing when possible.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Techni,ue Num/er =5 .ettin! *imits
@i&e children safe limits they can understand. 6ecogni1e their feelings, e&en if they cannot accept their
actions. 5aintain a calm sense of democracy, and work at being consistent. Children &iew the world
differently than adults. 6ules need to be e0plained clearly and simply. Be certain they know your
e0pectations for their beha&ior.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
/ituation 6esponse
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
5ichelle Eage :F has pushed a The sto&e is hot. # can see you
chair close to the sto&e so she curious about the spaghetti
can see what's bubbling in all sauce. # will hold you so you
those pots. can see without getting hurt.
#t's school pictures day, and # can see that you're frustated
your eighth"grader is ha&ing a with your hair this morning. #s
bad morning. /he continues to there something # could do to
talk about how awful she looks, help9 (hat are your ideas9
and she doesn't want to go to
school.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Techni,ue Num/er L5 odelin! "ehavior
/et a good e0ample. /peak and act only in ways you want your children to speak and act. 6esearch
indicates that the parent model is still the most influential source of learning for children.
#f you make mistakes, apologi1e and be honest. A warm, lo&ing, communicating relationship is important.
E&eryone makes mistakes. Children are lo&ing and forgi&ing of parents, if that's what parents model. The
importance of parents as models for children cannot be o&erstated.
Correct the following statements. EThese may appear as logical conse,uences for some readers. Think
carefully about the e0ample you are setting.F
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
/tatement Better statement
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
RDaura, if you bite your RBiting hurts people. *ou may bite
sister, #'ll bite you.R the teething toy, but you may not
bite your sister.R
R#'m sick and tired of all R#'m really sorry # lost my temper.
your e0cuses. *ou ne&er # had no right to take my frustrations
listen to me7R Earent about work out on you. #'ll try to
loses temper.F lea&e work issues at work.R Earent
sets e0ample for taking responsibility
for actions.F
RPuit your complaining about R*ou sound really frustrated by all
homework. #f you really cared the homework you ha&e. 5aybe # can
about me, you wouldn't help you break it down into more
complain to me all the time. manageable parts.R
Dook at all the work # ha&e
to do, and nobody helps me7R
Earent continues to complain.F
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Techni,ue Num/er M5 Thin)in! "roadly
Dook at the whole picture. A child's beha&ior is often related to stress in some part of the family system.
Changes in your beha&ior or in another family member may result in the child's changing beha&ior.
@i&ing children attention is not the same as spoiling them. RActing outR beha&ior may be a cry for attention. #t
is important to take time to be with children emotionally Eby talking things outF as well as physically.
Assess the following areas in your child's life when concerns arise'
6ecent family changes or conflicts.
/ibling relationships.
/chool en&ironment.
Child care setting.
eer or play group relationships.
hysical or health conditions.
)ationalS#nternational e&ents.
)eighborhood or community en&ironment.
>ettin! ?ff to a Fresh .tart
arents can take the first step toward a de&elopmentally appropriate plan of discipline by e0amining the
current methods or techni,ues they are using. Ask' #s this suited to the age of the child9 Am # correcting,
lecturing, doing all the talking, or am # showing and teaching my child an appropriate way to handle things9
Am # always talking out of anger9 Ksing commands9 4a&e # used too many threats or critici1ing remarks9
Each week try to practice a new techni,ue. #t takes time to change old habits and patterns. !on't be
surprised if your children react to the changes in you in a negati&e way at first. Children learn how to adapt
to and react to parents, and any changes mean they need time to change too. They may be confused at
first. #n a short time, though, you will be able to notice changes in you and your children. Contact your county
e0tension office for information about parenting resources.
#reventin! #ro/lems
Effecti&e discipline will pre&ent problems before they arise. This tactic should begin the day your child is
born. E0amine your beha&ior, your en&ironment, how you schedule acti&ities for your child, and the rules you
ha&e established for beha&ior. ?nce you ha&e taken the time to e0amine yourself, you can begin to do the
following'
Demonstrate copin! s)ills. *ou are your children's first and most influential teacher.
#repare an appropriate environment. *ou can a&oid a lot of problems by making your home a comfortable
place for children to be. Are there tempting or dangerous items within reach9 Are toys or supplies
accessible9 #s there enough room for acti&ities and personal space9
"e clear a/out rules. Consistent and fair rules help children learn control in their own beha&ior. /uch rules
set limits that children can learn and depend on, regardless of their ages. 6ules should be simple and few,
clear, necessary and reasonable for the ages of the children. /ome adults ha&e only one basic rule' you
may not hurt yourself, others or things. 4urt can be e0plained as physical or emotional as children grow.
@ently remind children of rules. (hen a problem occurs, calmly stop the action, then say the rule. Be direct
and simple. E&entually, the child will think of the rule /efore acting. #f a child hits, respond by saying, R/top7
4itting hurts people.R #f a child throws food, respond by saying, R*ou may eat the food or put it away. )o
throwing food7R
.chedule events with children's needs in mind. 5any problems can be a&oided by anticipating your
children's beha&ior or reactions to &arious e&ents. *ou can arrange their day and distract them from potential
problems. Ad2ust e&ents to children's short attention spans. repare your children in ad&ance and allow time
to complete their acti&ities. 3eep your children occupied. #f they must wait, be prepared with games or
stories that help them pass the time.
'elp children solve pro/lems4 ma)e choices and understand conse,uences. Engage them in
con&ersation.
Try guiding the child through the problem by asking R(hat would happen if ...R ,uestions. This will help them
learn to make more appropriate choices. Be patient7 This is not learned as a result of one or two problem
situations7 arents must continue to use this method and congratulate their children's efforts to think things
through.
Ac,uiring problem"sol&ing skills is a process that takes time and repetition.
The following list from a publication for parents written by the )ational Association for the Education of
*oung Children summari1es the differences between discipline and punishment.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Children are Children are
disciplined when... punished when...
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
they are shown positi&e their beha&ior is controlled
alternati&es rather than through fear
2ust told RnoR
they see how their their feelings are not respected
actions affect others
good beha&ior is they beha&e to a&oid a penalty
rewarding to them " and or when they get a bribe
at times rewarded
adults establish fair, the adult only tells the child
simple rules and enforce what not to do.
them consistently.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Children who Children who
are disciplined... are punished...
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learn to share and feel humiliated
cooperate
are better able to handle hide their mistakes
their own anger
are more self"disciplined tend to be angry and aggressi&e
and take responsibility and blame others
for their actions
feel successful and in fail to de&elop control of
control of themsel&es themsel&es
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Establishing Appropriate Dimits
rint
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By .F. 4earron, Y>. 4ildebrand
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
Knderstanding troublesome beha&ior does not mean accepting it. Adults are responsible for establishing the
beha&ioral limits or boundaries that are necessary for the safety and healthy de&elopment of children in their
care. This means that children should be pre&ented from E8F hurting themsel&esL E:F hurting others, either
physically, psychologically, by teasing, or by infringing on others' rightsL and E;F destroying property. #f you
think about it, these limits can encompass all the $rules% that typically go&ern early childhood programs.
Confining your list of classroom rules to a minimum number that clearly relate to these essential limits has
se&eral ad&antages'
The fewer the number of rules in place, the easier it is for children to learn those rules and the fewer
occasions for children to transgress those rules.
Fewer transgressions mean that adults can spend the time and energy they would ha&e spent
reprimanding children in more positi&e interactions with them.
Fewer reprimands mean fewer assaults on children's self"concept and feelings of self"efficacy.
#nstead of teaching children to memori1e and conform to a list of arbitrary prohibitions, adults will be
teaching them the reasons for the rules.
4elping children understand that rules safeguard the rights of e&eryone helps them mo&e beyond
blind obedience to acting out of a sense of 2ustice and fairplayL in other words, to taking their part in a
democratic rather than a totalitarian society.
Dimits must be communicated to children in ways that they will understand and remember. 6ecall from the
guidelines for direct guidance gi&en in Chapter that, in addition to ha&ing few rules, it is most effecti&e to
state those rules succinctly and positi&ely. Thus the three basic limits can be stated as follows'
Be safe.
Be kind to others.
Take care of our room Eor schoolF.
Adults can teach the meaning of these concepts by noticing and appreciating e0amples of positi&e
beha&iors.
$*ou're using both hands on the climber, 5aria. That's a good way to keep yourself safe.%
$#t was kind of you to let Qeb ha&e a turn on the tricycle, Eduardo.%
$Thanks for picking up that paper, 3amiko. #t makes our playground look really nice.%
Adults can also point out, calmly and non2udgmentally, the times when children transgress these limits'
$(hen you tip your chair back like that, Bosah, you could fall and hurt yourself. Be safe and keep all
four chair legs on the floor.%
$inching hurts. /ee9 A&a's crying.%
$#'ll help you pick up the pu11le pieces from the floor, Qerome. #f they get lost, we won't ha&e those
pu11les to play with. (e all need to take care of our school.%
Adults must be realistic about how closely or how ,uickly they can e0pect children to comply with limits. A
young toddler's &ersion of $be kind% might include gi&ing a fa&orite $blankie% to a crying playmate. But it might
not preclude taking an e0ploratory nip on that playmate's arm, 2ust to see the interesting reaction. Four"year"
olds, eager to test their growing physical prowess, will probably need many reminders to $be safe,%
particularly if their en&ironment contains inappropriate ha1ards. (ise adults consider learning about limits to
be a work in progress for young children, a goal toward which they constantly stri&e, though they may ne&er
reach it completely.
)o matter how carefully you establish and enforce limits, there will be children who, for one or more of the
reasons discussed earlier, will be unable to comply with them. Their challenging beha&iors will re,uire all
your knowledge, skill, and tenacity. 6emember that while your immediate goal may be to stop the
undesirable beha&ior, your long"term goal is to help children reach their potential to be well"ad2usted, self"
directed, producti&e adults. This means there is no one"si1e"fits"all solution, no magic bullet that will work in
e&ery situation to eliminate a troublesome beha&ior.
!ealing with Failure
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By /ally Burgess
Forefront Families
Kpdated on ?ct :J, :C8C
(hoe&er said there is no such thing as failure has lost touch with the planet earth7 ?f course there is such a
thing as failure. #t is in the dictionary and it means Vnon"performance of something due or e0pected+. *ou
can+t gloss o&er the word and call it something else 2ust because society thinks it is a dirty word. To refuse to
accept the word Vfailure+ is senseless and a product of our indulgent culture. #t 2ust means we are not
allowing oursel&es to learn from the e0perience or to teach our children how to deal with not meeting
e0pectations B whate&er they are.
(hen we were in high school in )ew .ealand we had to pass a /tate"wide e0am. ?nly =CI could pass so
there was ob&iously a =CI failure rate. #t made us work &ery hard and we all knew that if we didn+t make it,
we had to repeat the whole year again. # repeated the year7 5y husband, Brian, repeated a year. 4is two
brothers repeated a year. This is reality B the real world. #t didn+t really hurt us. #t 2ust dented our pride and
we wasted a year that we could ha&e been earning. #f we don+t learn early that there are conse,uences for
not meeting e0pectations, then we will ne&er make it in the adult work world. (e will always be making
e0cuses that it was someone else+s fault. )o it isn+t. (e put in the hard yards and en2oy the results. Brian,
his brothers and # became uni&ersity graduates and we would not ha&e had so great a resol&e to succeed
had we not learned through failure in early e0ams.
)ow, there are times when we ha&e little choice o&er whether we win or lose. (e can train &igorously for a
race, but we cannot guarantee we will be the winner. #t is wrong for parents to gi&e kids the message that if
you are not the winner, you are a failure. That is )?T true. (e should not compare oursel&es with others,
but compare oursel&es against our own performance. #f we are beating our own times, then we are
achie&ing.
4ow do we teach our kids to handle failure9 Acknowledge that there is such a word. Teach them that doing
their best is what counts, not 2ust trying to be better than someone else. (e can control our own
performance most of the time, but others are an unknown ,uantity. Be an effecti&e role model. (hen you try
something and it doesn+t work out, talk the e0perience o&er with your kids. Acknowledge your
disappointment, but show them how failing this time doesn+t mean failing e&ery time. /how your kids how
you learn from the e0perience and what you are going to do to impro&e your chances for ne0t time.
Encourage your kids to e0pect great things of themsel&es. Celebrate success but also celebrate effort.
E&eryone in the world will ha&e a story of failure. /ome use failure as a sentence of doom, while others, like
us, say, $# am not going to let this beat me, # will show them7% and rise to it. 4ow do you see it9
/et 6ules and Conse,uences
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K./. !epartment of 4ealth and 4uman /er&ices
Kpdated on !ec 8J, :CCH
.ettin! Rules
/et up rules and conse,uences with your children so you can be sure they understand and agree. Follow
these steps'
8. !iscuss the rules needed to protect the health, safety, and rights of e&eryone in the family.
:. 6espect children+s rights, such as the right to pri&acy, within the family rules.
;. !etermine appropriate conse,uences for breaking each rule.
<. @i&e e&eryone a chance to discuss the fairness of the rules.
=. (rite down the rules. Ask your children to draw pictures about the rules using stick figures or
maga1ine cutouts. Tape the rules to the refrigerator for e&eryone to see.
?nce the rules are set, don+t forget'
raise children when they follow the rules.
/tick to the conse,uences established for breaking each rule.
Talk about needed changes in the rules.
4elp children follow the rules.
Trou/le $ith Rules
*ou ha&e created negati&e conse,uences for breaking the rules. )ow, set up positi&e conse,uences for a
family rule that your child has trouble following. /et up a weekly achie&ement chart. (hen your child follows
the difficult rule, place a sticker or check mark in the chart to track progress and reward changing beha&ior.
For e0ample, Amy refuses to go to bed on time. ut a check in the achie&ement chart for e&ery night that
she follows the bedtime rule. #f she goes to bed on time fi&e nights in a row, treat her with an e0tra bedtime
story or a trip to the playground, library, or other special place. #f she continues to follow the rules for a while,
you may want to offer a compromise. ?n special occasions or on weekends, she can stay up 8 hour longer.
#f she falls back into old habits, she loses the pri&ilege.
$hat $ould $ally "ear And Friends Do8
Kse 0uilding 0loc&s for a Healthy 5uture Character Cards E!FF to help your children follow the rules.
#f your child is late getting ready for bed, ask $(hat would /andy /,uirrel do9% #f you check her
Character Card, /andy /,uirrel lo&es her tree house and books. *our child might say, $#+ll climb into bed
and read a book with /andy.%
#f your child has lost his shoes once again, ask $(hat would 5iguel Tiger do9% #f you check his
Character Card, 5iguel lo&es to in&estigate. *our child might say, $#+ll get my magnifying glass and look
e&erywhere until # find my shoes and, then, #+ll choose one place to always keep my shoes.%
Focus on (ally Bear and friends to help children make the right choices when asked to follow rules or
beha&e appropriately.
Alternati&es to R)o7R
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By Bonnie 5onte
Babycenter
Kpdated on Feb 8=, :C88
$hat to e0pect at this a!e
*our grade"schooler knows what RnoR means, and most of the time she's obliging. But once in a while she
ignores your decree, or retorts with an annoying R(hy not9R or e&en an infuriating R5ake me7R Duckily, you
ha&e plenty of alternati&es to this o&erused command O and it makes sense to use them. RChildren often
begin to tune it out, and you may find that it takes ten no's to get your child to respond,R says 6oni
Deiderman, associate dean of the Family Center at )o&a /outheastern Kni&ersity in Ft. Dauderdale, Florida.
(hether you're trying to keep your child out of trouble or continuing your efforts to teach her right from
wrong, try a better, more effecti&e approach than the RnR word.
$hat to do
Rephrase and e0plain. ut a positi&e spin on your re,uest, and your grade"schooler is more likely to
respond in kind. #nstead of saying no, clearly state what she can do instead. 6ather than barking, R)o7 !on't
throw the ball in the li&ing room,R for instance, try Rlease go outside to play ball.R #f she talks to someone in
a nasty &oice, say, R(e use kind &oices when we talk to people.R /he's plenty old enough to understand
e0planations, so tell her why you e0pect her to beha&e better.
?ffer options. Anyone O but especially a grade"schooler desperately seeking independence and self"
control O would rather be gi&en a choice than an order. #f your child wants to put off her homework until
after dinner, tell her she can O if she takes her bath before you eat. 4er choice. #f she begs for a piece of
candy before lunch, let her choose from a selection of fruit instead, and e0plain why it's important that she
eat nourishing food before empty calories. ?r let her pick which kind of candy she'd like to eat O after lunch.
?ffer only alternati&es you're comfortable with, and don't criti,ue her choice.
(apitalize on your relationship. 5ost of the time, your grade"schooler aims to please, and she gets a real
kick out of sharing secrets with you. /o she'll lo&e special codes O hints you can gi&e her instead of no's.
5aybe you call her by her initials when you want her to curtail her beha&ior, or perhaps you lightly tap her on
the shoulder. (hate&er the code, make sure she's crystal clear on it before you e0pect her to respond.
Avoid the issue. At this age, fewer and fewer situations dri&e your child to misbeha&ior, but it still pays to
a&oid the ones that do. #f a particular playmate seems to push her buttons, for instance, in&ite a different
friend o&er for a while. #f she's too rambunctious for @reat"@randma Qenny's anti,ue"filled home, in&ite
Qenny to your house instead. *ou can't isolate your child from all situations where you'll ha&e to say no, of
course, but life will be easier for both of you O and you'll be able to say yes more often O if you limit them.
2!nore minor infractions. Dife presents plenty of meaningful opportunities to teach your child discipline.
!on't go looking for e0tras. #f she wants to wear hot pink outfits to school fi&e days in a row, why not let her9
#f she prefers pi11a for breakfast and cereal for dinner, what's the harm9 6emember this parenting mantra'
Choose your battles. #f she's safe and you don't haveto say no, let it slide.
.ay it li)e you mean it. ?f course, when her beha&ior doesmatter, and alternati&es to no 2ust won't cut it,
don't waffle. /ay it firmly Ebut calmlyF, with con&iction and a poker face O R)o7 !on't tease that strange dog7R
An amused R)o, sweetie, # don't think soR sends your grade"schooler mi0ed messages and certainly won't
discourage her. (hen she responds, gi&e her a smile or a hug and follow up with something affirmati&e O
RThanks. @ood 2ob7R
Teaching 3ids 6espectful Communication
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By /ally Burgess
Forefront Families
Kpdated on 5ay :J, :CCA
5y husband is an assistant principal at a middle school in central )ash&ille, T). E&ery day he opens the
school doors at H.;C a.m. and stands at the entrance greeting students as they come in. E&ery morning he
stops one or two who ignore his greeting. 4e asks them if their parents ha&e e&er taught them how to greet
people. They in&ariably say, $)o+. /o he tells them, $This is what # need you to do. (hen # say good
morning, # want you to look me in the eye, smile, and say, V@ood morning 5r. Burgess.+% They immediately
understand and greet him with big smiles thereafter. Brian used to get &ery annoyed when my sisters+
children completely ignored him when they came to our house. They would 2ust walk straight past him as if
he was in&isible. 4e said he wanted to pinch himself to make sure he was actually in the room.
@reeting people with a smile and a friendly word is an act of respect. (hy is it that few children are being
taught the simple courtesy of acknowledging another person9 # can only assume that when they are not
acti&ely taught to greet people, they don+t know they need to, or don+t know how. erhaps parents think it is
the school+s 2ob to teach courtesy. 5aybe, parents think that their kids will learn by osmosis, and when their
kids reach adulthood, the skill will magically materiali1e on its own. )?T7
*ou can teach a ;"year old to say, $@ood morning, 5r. Brown%. A courteous greeting should not be reser&ed
for formal occasions or 2ust between adults or children to adults either. Adults should also acknowledge
children when they see them and children should also be courteous to one another. To ha&e a child walk up
to you, hold out his hand and say, $5y name is Qohn. # am pleased to meet you 5rs. Burgess%, is something
# would ne&er forget. First impressions count and politeness is always remembered.
Another important aspect of childSadult interaction is training kids not to interrupt adult con&ersations. # ha&e
been in many con&ersations with friends when a child has come into the room, walked straight up to the
parent and start talking. #n almost all of these situations, the parent immediately stopped speaking to me and
paid full attention to their child. The impression # was left with was that a &isitor is less important than the
child. #t is easy to train a child how to get adult attention when the parent is talking to someone else by
asking them to wait where you can see them, and that you will gi&e them permission to speak when you are
ready. #f the matter is urgent, they can say, $E0cuse me, please,% and wait.
Allowing a child to whisper in a parent+s ear is e0tremely rude. Thinking that whispering will not interrupt an
adult con&ersation is, of course, ridiculous. 4ere is a suggestion. 6emind your children of your e0pectations
before the &isitor comes. Tell them how to greet the &isitor and that you want them to play until the &isitor has
gone. 6emind them of how to get your attention if they really need to. 5ake sure you gi&e the kids plenty of
things to do while you are entertaining your guest.. Be fair. 3ids will get annoyed if you completely ignore
them. 4opefully your guest will gi&e your child some attention. *our children will be respected by adults
when they display good manners.
/poiled Children !on+t E0ist
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By Catherine 4utter, h.!.YQeffrey 6othweiler, h.!.
/t. Douis Children's 4ospital
Kpdated on Qul 8J, :C8C
Catherine 4utter, h.!., and Qeffrey 6othweiler, h.!., both child clinical psychologists at /t. Douis
Children+s 4ospital, separate fact from fiction regarding children and how they are often labeled.
yth5 There are spoiled children.
Dr. 'utter5 )o, there aren+t. The word $spoiled% indicates that there+s something wrong with a child in some
way. *ou ne&er want to imply that about any child. *ou ha&e to be careful about the way you use language
with children, because they can pick up on negati&e feelings without fully understanding what a word means.
*ou can say a child acts entitled or whines and cries if she doesn+t get her way, but that doesn+t mean she+s
spoiled.
yth5 2t+s important to tell children when they are actin! spoiled and call them on it.
Dr. Rothweiler5 #t+s &aluable for children to ha&e feedback, but it needs to be in the form of an e0planation,
not name"calling. Children need to know how their actions are seen by others and may affect others, but
always in a kind, instructi&e manner.
yth5 (hildren who have an a/undance of material possessions are more li)ely to act
spoiled than other children who are not so well off.
Dr. 'utter5 This isn+t always the case. #t+s more about the way children react to what they ha&e than
anything else. #f you gi&e your daughter a puppy, others may think you+re spoiling her, but if she feeds, walks
and takes care of the puppy, then you+re actually teaching her a lesson in responsibility.
yth5 &ids should /e !iven everythin! they want and should never /e disciplined.
Dr. Rothweiler5 Knderstand that while you want to gi&e your kids the best in life, sometimes that means
saying $no% and reprimanding them. arenting isn+t easy, but if you act out of lo&e and with good 2udgment,
you and your kids will be okay.
Fi&e 6easons to /top /aying R@ood Qob7R
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By Alfie 3ohn
Alfie 3ohn
Kpdated on Apr 8:, :C8C
Reprinted from )Parents) maga:ine. 5or a more detailed loo& at the issues discussed here, please see the
$oo&s Punished $y Rewards and ,nconditional Parenting.
4ang out at a playground, &isit a school, or show up at a child's birthday party, and there's one phrase you
can count on hearing repeatedly' R@ood 2ob7R E&en tiny infants are praised for smacking their hands together
ER@ood clapping7RF. 5any of us blurt out these 2udgments of our children to the point that it has become
almost a &erbal tic.
lenty of books and articles ad&ise us against relying on punishment, from spanking to forcible isolation
ERtime outRF. ?ccasionally someone will e&en ask us to rethink the practice of bribing children with stickers or
food. But you'll ha&e to look awfully hard to find a discouraging word about what is euphemistically called
positi&e reinforcement.
Dest there be any misunderstanding, the point here is not to call into ,uestion the importance of supporting
and encouraging children, the need to lo&e them and hug them and help them feel good about themsel&es.
raise, howe&er, is a different story entirely. 4ere's why.
8. anipulatin! children. /uppose you offer a &erbal reward to reinforce the beha&ior of a two"year"
old who eats without spilling, or a fi&e"year"old who cleans up her art supplies. (ho benefits from
this9 #s it possible that telling kids they'&e done a good 2ob may ha&e less to do with their emotional
needs than with our con&enience9
6heta !e>ries, a professor of education at the Kni&ersity of )orthern #owa, refers to this as Rsugar"
coated control.R >ery much like tangible rewards ' or, for that matter, punishments ' it's a way of doing
something to children to get them to comply with our wishes. #t may be effecti&e at producing this
result Eat least for a whileF, but it's &ery different from working with kids ' for e0ample, by engaging
them in con&ersation about what makes a classroom Eor familyF function smoothly, or how other
people are affected by what we ha&e done "" or failed to do. The latter approach is not only more
respectful but more likely to help kids become thoughtful people.
The reason praise can work in the short run is that young children are hungry for our appro&al. But we
ha&e a responsibility not to e0ploit that dependence for our own con&enience. A R@ood 2ob7R to
reinforce something that makes our li&es a little easier can be an e0ample of taking ad&antage of
children's dependence. 3ids may also come to feel manipulated by this, e&en if they can't ,uite
e0plain why.
:. (reatin! praise 1un)ies. To be sure, not e&ery use of praise is a calculated tactic to control
children's beha&ior. /ometimes we compliment kids 2ust because we're genuinely pleased by what
they'&e done. E&en then, howe&er, it's worth looking more closely. 6ather than bolstering a child's self"
esteem, praise may increase kids' dependence on us. The more we say, R# like the way you'.R or
R@ood [[[[[[ing,R the more kids come to rely on our e&aluations, our decisions about what's good
and bad, rather than learning to form their own 2udgments. #t leads them to measure their worth in
terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more appro&al.
5ary Budd 6owe, a researcher at the Kni&ersity of Florida, disco&ered that students who were
praised la&ishly by their teachers were more tentati&e in their responses, more apt to answer in a
,uestioning tone of &oice ERKm, se&en9RF. They tended to back off from an idea they had proposed as
soon as an adult disagreed with them. And they were less likely to persist with difficult tasks or share
their ideas with other students.
#n short, R@ood 2ob7R doesn't reassure childrenL ultimately, it makes them feel less secure. #t may e&en
create a &icious circle such that the more we slather on the praise, the more kids seem to need it, so
we praise them some more. /adly, some of these kids will grow into adults who continue to need
someone else to pat them on the head and tell them whether what they did was ?3. /urely this is not
what we want for our daughters and sons.
;. .tealin! a child's pleasure. Apart from the issue of dependence, a child deser&es to take delight in
her accomplishments, to feel pride in what she's learned how to do. /he also deser&es to decide
when to feel that way. E&ery time we say, R@ood 2ob7R, though, we're telling a child how to feel.
To be sure, there are times when our e&aluations are appropriate and our guidance is necessary ""
especially with toddlers and preschoolers. But a constant stream of &alue 2udgments is neither
necessary nor useful for children's de&elopment. Knfortunately, we may not ha&e reali1ed that R@ood
2ob7R is 2ust as much an e&aluation as RBad 2ob7R The most notable feature of a positi&e 2udgment isn't
that it's positi&e, but that it's a 2udgment. And people, including kids, don't like being 2udged.
# cherish the occasions when my daughter manages to do something for the first time, or does
something better than she's e&er done it before. But # try to resist the knee"2erk tendency to say,
R@ood 2ob7R because # don't want to dilute her 2oy. # want her to share her pleasure with me, not look to
me for a &erdict. # want her to e0claim, R# did it7R Ewhich she often doesF instead of asking me
uncertainly, R(as that good9R
<. *osin! interest. R@ood painting7R may get children to keep painting for as long as we keep watching
and praising. But, warns Dilian 3at1, one of the country's leading authorities on early childhood
education, Ronce attention is withdrawn, many kids won't touch the acti&ity again.R #ndeed, an
impressi&e body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing
something, the more they tend to lose interest in whate&er they had to do to get the reward. )ow the
point isn't to draw, to read, to think, to create ' the point is to get the goody, whether it's an ice cream,
a sticker, or a R@ood 2ob7R
#n a troubling study conducted by Qoan @rusec at the Kni&ersity of Toronto, young children who were
fre,uently praised for displays of generosity tended to be slightly less generous on an e&eryday basis
than other children were. E&ery time they had heard R@ood sharing7R or R#'m so proud of you for
helping,R they became a little less interested in sharing or helping. Those actions came to be seen not
as something &aluable in their own right but as something they had to do to get that reaction again
from an adult. @enerosity became a means to an end.
!oes praise moti&ate kids9 /ure. #t moti&ates kids to get praise. Alas, that's often at the e0pense of
commitment to whate&er they were doing that prompted the praise.
=. Reducin! achievement. As if it weren't bad enough that R@ood 2ob7R can undermine independence,
pleasure, and interest, it can also interfere with how good a 2ob children actually do. 6esearchers
keep finding that kids who are praised for doing well at a creati&e task tend to stumble at the ne0t task
' and they don't do as well as children who weren't praised to begin with.
(hy does this happen9 artly because the praise creates pressure to Rkeep up the good workR that
gets in the way of doing so. artly because their interest in what they're doing may ha&e declined.
artly because they become less likely to take risks ' a prere,uisite for creati&ity ' once they start
thinking about how to keep those positi&e comments coming.
5ore generally, R@ood 2ob7R is a remnant of an approach to psychology that reduces all of human life
to beha&iors that can be seen and measured. Knfortunately, this ignores the thoughts, feelings, and
&alues that lie behind beha&iors.For e0ample, a child may share a snack with a friend as a way of
attracting praise, or as a way of making sure the other child has enough to eat. raise for sharing
ignores these different moti&es. (orse, it actually promotes the less desirable moti&e by making
children more likely to fish for praise in the future.
?nce you start to see praise for what it is ' and what it does ' these constant little e&aluati&e eruptions from
adults start to produce the same effect as fingernails being dragged down a blackboard. *ou begin to root
for a child to gi&e his teachers or parents a taste of their own treacle by turning around to them and saying
Ein the same saccharine tone of &oiceF, R@ood praising7R
/till, it's not an easy habit to break. #t can seem strange, at least at first, to stop praisingL it can feel as
though you're being chilly or withholding something. But that, it soon becomes clear, suggests that we praise
more because we need to say it than because children need to hear it. (hene&er that's true, it's time to
rethink what we're doing.
(hat kids do need is unconditional support, lo&e with no strings attached. That's not 2ust different from
praise ' it's the opposite of praise. R@ood 2ob7R is conditional. #t means we're offering attention and
acknowledgement and appro&al for 2umping through our hoops, for doing things that please us.
This point, you'll notice, is &ery different from a criticism that some people offer to the effect that we gi&e kids
too much appro&al, or gi&e it too easily. They recommend that we become more miserly with our praise and
demand that kids RearnR it. But the real problem isn't that children e0pect to be praised for e&erything they do
these days. #t's that we're tempted to take shortcuts, to manipulate kids with rewards instead of e0plaining
and helping them to de&elop needed skills and good &alues.
/o what's the alternati&e9 That depends on the situation, but whate&er we decide to say instead has to be
offered in the conte0t of genuine affection and lo&e for who kids are rather than for what they'&e done. (hen
unconditional support is present, R@ood 2ob7R isn't necessaryL when it's absent, R@ood 2ob7R won't help.
#f we're praising positi&e actions as a way of discouraging misbeha&ior, this is unlikely to be effecti&e for
long. E&en when it works, we can't really say the child is now Rbeha&ing himselfRL it would be more accurate
to say the praise is beha&ing him. The alternati&e is to work with the child, to figure out the reasons he's
acting that way. (e may ha&e to reconsider our own re,uests rather than 2ust looking for a way to get kids to
obey. E#nstead of using R@ood 2ob7R to get a four"year"old to sit ,uietly through a long class meeting or family
dinner, perhaps we should ask whether it's reasonable to e0pect a child to do so.F
(e also need to bring kids in on the process of making decisions. #f a child is doing something that disturbs
others, then sitting down with her later and asking, R(hat do you think we can do to sol&e this problem9R will
likely be more effecti&e than bribes or threats. #t also helps a child learn how to sol&e problems and teaches
that her ideas and feelings are important. ?f course, this process takes time and talent, care and courage.
Tossing off a R@ood 2ob7R when the child acts in the way we deem appropriate takes none of those things,
which helps to e0plain why Rdoing toR strategies are a lot more popular than Rworking withR strategies.
And what can we say when kids 2ust do something impressi&e9 Consider three possible responses'
.ay nothin!. /ome people insist a helpful act must be RreinforcedR because, secretly or
unconsciously, they belie&e it was a fluke. #f children are basically e&il, then they ha&e to be gi&en an
artificial reason for being nice Enamely, to get a &erbal rewardF. But if that cynicism is unfounded ' and a
lot of research suggests that it is ' then praise may not be necessary.

.ay what you saw. A simple, e&aluation"free statement ER*ou put your shoes on by yourselfR or
e&en 2ust R*ou did itRF tells your child that you noticed. #t also lets her take pride in what she did. #n other
cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. #f your child draws a picture, you might pro&ide
feedback ' not 2udgment ' about what you noticed' RThis mountain is huge7R RBoy, you sure used a lot of
purple today7R
#f a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his
action on the other person' RDook at Abigail's face7 /he seems pretty happy now that you ga&e her some
of your snack.R This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about
her sharing.
Tal) less4 as) more. E&en better than descriptions are ,uestions. (hy tell him what part of his
drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it9 Asking R(hat was the
hardest part to draw9R or R4ow did you figure out how to make the feet the right si1e9R is likely to
nourish his interest in drawing. /aying R@ood 2ob7R, as we'&e seen, may ha&e e0actly the opposite effect.
This doesn't mean that all compliments, all thank"you's, all e0pressions of delight are harmful. (e need to
consider our moti&es for what we say Ea genuine e0pression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to
manipulate the child's future beha&iorF as well as the actual effects of doing so. Are our reactions helping the
child to feel a sense of control o&er her life "" or to constantly look to us for appro&al9 Are they helping her to
become more e0cited about what she's doing in its own right ' or turning it into something she 2ust wants to
get through in order to recei&e a pat on the head
#t's not a matter of memori1ing a new script, but of keeping in mind our long"term goals for our children and
watching for the effects of what we say. The bad news is that the use of positi&e reinforcement really isn't so
positi&e. The good news is that you don't ha&e to e&aluate in order to encourage.
@uiding Children's Beha&ior
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By Adapted by 3im Deon, h.! and Deanne /pengler, 4uman !e&elopment /pecialist
5issouri Families
Kpdated on 5ar =, :CCA
@uiding children in&ol&es many tasks. arents are responsible for identifying and enforcing reasonable
limits, while gradually gi&ing freedom to children by encouraging them to be responsible for themsel&es. A
positi&e approach helps teach young children coping skills and self"control while discouraging inappropriate
beha&ior.
Although children seek freedom from rules and limits at an early age, they still need guidance and structure.
Their growth as indi&iduals depends on making choices and facing the conse,uences of their decisions. As
parents, we can ne&er ha&e too many skills for guiding our children. re&enting misbeha&ior takes planning
and preparation.
Effecti&e discipline focuses on the de&elopment of the child and preser&es the child's dignity and self"
esteem. The following skills pro&ide some suggestions for setting appropriate limits for children.
>ive your children choices.
This is an easy way to de&elop decision"making skills and nurture a child's self"discipline. ?nly gi&e choices
you are willing to permit, for e0ample R(ould you like apple slices or raisins for your snack today9R or
R(ould you like to take your bath before or after we read a story tonight9R
-se more do's than don'ts.
*ou might think in terms of gi&ing a child a 'green light' instead of 'red lights'. /ay Rcome hold my handR
instead of R!on't touch anything.R
.et only necessary limits.
(hat is important9 (hat limits are necessary for the child to be safe9
.et reasona/le limits.
#s the child capable9 5any times, our e0ceptions are too high and need to be 'shifted' to fit the child's
abilities.
a)e your limits simple and clear.
E&eryone can benefit from specific directions about rules and limits. ro&ide information that is ade,uate as
well as understandable to both the child and other family members.
"e consistent with your limits.
The rule should be the same from day"to"day. 6ules should change as the child grows and becomes more
self"disciplined.
#raise and encoura!e children.
This promotes learning, independence, and positi&e self"esteem.
.et a !ood e0ample.
Children learn more by role modeling adults than in any other way.
(hen children ask Rwhy,R e0plain things in simple terms.
-se natural or lo!ical conse,uences
This gi&es children an opportunity to learn from the choices they make. (hen children damage something,
they need to help fi0 or clean up their mistakes.
Redirect children /y teachin! them a different way of doin! the same thin!.
R*ou can build a fort in the li&ing room, but not on the kitchen table.R
(hat to !o (hen *our 3id 4ates /chool
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By 6ebecca >ander5eulen
Kpdated on 5ar 88, :C8:
*ou see your child after school and greet him with your usual ,uestion' R4ow was your day9R 4e blurts out a
dreaded answer' R# hate school7R
5ost students dislike school e&ery so often, whether it's because of classmates making fun of them during
lunch or a particularly difficult science pro2ect, or simply because it's taking away from their playtime. But it's
an entirely different matter when a child makes a marked and sudden blanket statement about hating
school.
#t's possible that the problem will resol&e itself on its own in a few days. But you might need to take some
e0tra steps to resol&e the underlying issue.
?f course, you can't take your child away from school entirely. But you can figure out what the problem is
and find ways to address it.
(ommon #ro/lems
E0perts ha&e obser&ed some common reasons for children to e0press a hatred of school.
Cynthia Tobias, author of se&en books including + Hate !chool*, says many kids who dislike the classroom
aren't being taught in a way that matches how they learn. A lot of children e0perience school as a place
where they are forced to sit in uncomfortable chairs, learn material based on the fact that it's included in
standardi1ed tests, and are told what they need to do better instead of what they are good at.
RThey don't hate the learning part. They don't hate their teachers,R Tobias says. R)o kid wants to be told that
his brain is broken.R
/chool can be a difficult place for kids who learn by speaking aloud but are constantly told to be ,uiet in
class, or restless children who are forced to sit in desks for much of the day. For these children, the real
culprit is a mismatch between how they learn and how their teachers teach.
4eather (ittenberg, a psychologist who speciali1es in young children, says kindergarteners often say they
hate school about a month after starting class. RAfter the first few weeks, the no&elty wears off,R she
e0plains.
(hat started out as a fun di&ersion B a chance to ride the school bus and spend the day with other kids B
can begin to feel like drudgery once a kindergartener reali1es she has to go to school e&ery day. Kntil
children hit first or second grade, (ittenberg says, they are more suited to the co1y, protecti&e en&ironment
of home than the classroom's pressure to succeed academically.
Fortunately, kindergarteners who are simply ha&ing trouble ad2usting to school often settle in by
Thanksgi&ing, she says.
#f the problem occurs later in the school year, though, (ittenberg says other forces are probably at work.
erhaps your child is ha&ing difficulty learning B some young children aren't yet ready to handle academics.
There might also be tension between your child and his teacher or a classmate. RThere's something in that
classroom that's not right,R (ittenberg says.
?r, if your family is going through a big life e&ent like a di&orce or bringing home a new baby, your child
might be saying she hates school because she feels like she has to be at home.
$hat to Do
The simplest way to learn why your child doesn't like school is to ask. ose open"ended ,uestions.
RAsk them, '(hat would you do to make it better9 (hat would make you like school9' R Tobias says. The
answer will likely point you toward the real problem.
/he also suggests obser&ing your child's personality and how he learns. (ith your help, he can begin to
take charge of his own success by finding a way to tackle his homework in a way that matches his learning
style.
A child who learns by talking would benefit from ha&ing a study buddy who can help him talk through his
assignments, Tobias says. A child who learns through mo&ement should be encouraged to wiggle or tap her
feet.
Tobias notes that helping your child adapt to his classroom is an important lesson in itself, because he will
spend the rest of his life with people who function differently than he does.
#n any case, if your child spends more than two or three weeks saying she hates school, set up an
appointment with her teacher. Ask for the teacher's obser&ations. Tobias suggests one ,uestion to ask'
R(hat can # do9R
(ittenberg says a young child who is ha&ing trouble ad2usting to the classroom might benefit from an
occasional day at home or a switch from a full"day to a half"day kindergarten class B not much of an
ad2ustment if it is made 2ust a few weeks into the year. ?r you can make your child feel better with small
reminders of home, like a note from you in his lunch bo0.
E&entually, the clear solution to your child's dislike of school might be to switch her to a new classroom or
teacher. But chances are that step won't be necessary. #f you and the teacher work together, and if you
continue you to communicate with your child throughout the process, school can turn into a place where
your child will be happy, and thri&e.
4ow to /top Tantrums Before They /tart
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/trategies for Temper Tantrums and Aggression
Taming ublic Temper Tantrums
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Early *ears EBirth"=F
!iscipline and Challenging Child Beha&ior

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By 3eren erles
Kpdated on Qun 8G, :C8:
*ou+&e tried e&erything. *ou+&e pleaded, you+&e yelled, you+&e gi&en in, you+&e lectured. But your child
seems to constantly fall into $tantrum mode%Okicking, screaming, the works7 As a parent, how can you
pre&ent your kid+s tantrums9 And why on earth do toddlers and preschoolers constantly ha&e them9 Clinical
psychologist !r. Daura 5arkham spends her life talking to parents about issues like this one through her
website, Ahaarenting.com. 5arkham defines tantrums as times when emotions o&erwhelm reason.
/urprisingly, she says that these outbursts happen throughout life, although they're most common with
young children. $5others ha&e tantrums with children when they get pushed o&er the edge, people ha&e
tantrums with their spouses, workers e&en ha&e tantrums with their colleagues,% she says.
The difference is that when adults get o&erwhelmed by emotion, the frontal corte0 steps in and reminds us to
a&oid the fight or flight response, as long as the situation isn+t really an emergency. #n a young child,
howe&er, the frontal corte0 isn+t fully de&eloped yetL in fact, it won+t be fully de&eloped until at least age :=.
This is normalOalthough frustrating when your little one decides to ha&e a meltdown in the checkout lane of
the supermarket7
?nce your child begins a tantrum, there+s not much you can do to stop him. (hat you can do is work on
pre&enting the tantrums in the first place by helping your child regulate his emotions.
.tay (alm
Before you can e0pect your child to self"regulate, you+ll ha&e to keep your own emotions in check. (hen a
stressful situation arises, take a deep breath and count to ten silently to gi&e yourself time to manage your
emotions. By remaining calm, you're subconsciously communicating to your child that the situation isn't an
emergency, and doesn't warrant a big reaction. /ometimes, your negati&e response to a situation can
actually trigger your kid+s fight or flight reaction, which sends him into a tantrum.
eet "asic Needs
#s your child hungry9 Thirsty9 !id he miss a nap or get a short night+s sleep9 4as he had enough downtime
and enough $do it myself% time car&ed into your hectic schedule9 $(hen children+s basic needs are met,
they will ha&e more inner resources to draw on, and they will be more able to handle emotions,% e0plains
5arkham. *ou can often pre&ent tantrums with a little bit of foresight.
Develop %our (hild+s Frontal (orte0
Although different children de&elop at different ratesOwith some four"year"olds still throwing full"fledged fits
and others who ha&e grown out of tantrumsOyou can help to speed things along. 4ere are some ways you
can help de&elop your child+s frontal corte0'
.how 3mpathy. $(hen we gi&e our child empathy,% says 5arkham, $he feels understood, and
doesn+t feel so alone with those big emotions. Empathy gets some soothing chemicals started, which
pre&ents the child from entering a panic state and tantrumming.%
#lan #hysical 3motin! Times. 4elp your child to e0press his emotions non"&erbally. (hen you tell
him to $stop crying% or $be ,uiet already,% your little one may listen at first by stifling his feelings. At some
point, howe&er, the feelings will e0plode out of him. #nstead, focus on letting your child release his
emotions physically on a regular basis, not 2ust in the middle of a tantrum. Qoke around with your kid so
that he can giggleOlaughter is a great way for him to release emotional stress Eas long as he's not
forced, as with ticklingF. 6oughhouse with him, wrestle, throw him up in the air, and let him 2ump and run
around as much as possible.
Don't Fear the Tears. /ometimes kids 2ust need to cryOanother form of physical emoting.
!ifferentiate between actual tantrums and simple tears. For e0ample, if your child's sobbing because a
friend can't come o&er to play, or because you forbid him from ha&ing another cookie, that's not a
tantrum. #t is 2ust a physical reaction to the strong emotion of disappointment, and it's actually ,uite
healthy. 4old your little one while he cries, then offer him a drink of water or a wet washcloth to cool his
face. 6emember, this is a normal processing of emotion, and it gi&es you a chance to show your child
that you're truly listening. $Children can manage their feelings when we accept them,% e0plains
5arkham. $The more we accept their feelings, the less intensely they feel them, because we are
building up their frontal corte0. (e're teaching them to think, VThis is 2ust anger, this is 2ust fear, # can
handle this.+%
>ive 'im *a/els. @i&e your child the &ocabulary he needs to e0press his emotions. $The frontal
corte0 is &erbal,% 5arkham e0plains. $(hen kids use words to describe emotions, their frontal corte0
grows and builds the strength that they will need for emotional regulation.% 4elp your little one label his
feelings, e&en if he can+t use words once he's in fight or flight mode. *ou can also use social stories,
such as $*ou are worried about the field tripMbut you were worried last time, too, and you ended up
lo&ing the museum,% to help them deal with fears or other emotions. Qust putting his feelings into words
can help to fend off a tantrum before it starts.
(hile it can feel impossible to calm your child down once he's slipped into meltdown mode, you can pre&ent
future tantrums with the tips outlined abo&e. By tempering your own negati&e reactions and helping your little
one work through his emotions, you'll gi&e him the tools he needs to control his temper and react
appropriately to any situation.
Conflict 6esolution For 3ids
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Kpdated on Feb 8H, :C88
(e hear them shouting and we come running. Then, we hear, $4e said, he did% or $/he said, she did.% 4ow
can we help them sol&e their problems and play together9 4ere are some strategies you might try from 3ids
and Conflict'
.tay calm.
@et down to the children's le&el and talk to them calmly.
*et them )now you understand their feelin!s.
!escribe what you see that they're feeling. !on't ask ,uestions until children are calmer.
Find out information.
Ask RwhatR ,uestions to find out what happened to make them upset.
Repeat what you have found out.
Kse clear statements to retell what you heard them say.
As) for ideas to solve the pro/lem.
4a&e the children offer ideas and solutions to the problem.
.tay close /y for support.
After the children agree to the solution, stay close at hand to be sure things stay calm.
#raise them for playin! well to!ether.
5ake sure they know you're proud of them for sol&ing the problem for themsel&es.
Conduct !isorder
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By @arret !. E&ans, sy.!.
Kni&ersity of Florida #FA/ E0tension
Kpdated on Feb 8G, :C88
Conduct isorder is a childhood beha&ior disorder characteri1ed by a consistent pattern of harming others
or their property, stealing, lying, or breaking ma2or accepted rules or standards of beha&ior. Children must be
de&elopmentally able to understand and follow these rules and standards of beha&ior in order to be
considered as ha&ing Conduct !isorder.
#solated instances of e0treme misbeha&ior, running away, stealing, etc. are not enough to warrant a
diagnosis of Conduct !isorder. 5ost children display instances of surprisingly poor 2udgment and bad
beha&ior at least once during their childhood.
?n the other hand, children with Conduct !isorder consistently break rules, often act in aggressi&e or
threatening ways, and may destroy property, and show little regard for others. These beha&iors must
occur over an e0tended period of time. #n fact, a diagnosis of Conduct !isorder is not considered unless
the child has displayed such beha&ior for a year or more.
'ow they Deal with the $orld
Children with Conduct !isorder often &iew the world as a hostile and threatening place. They may be ,uick
to mistakenly belie&e that others are acting aggressi&ely or hostile toward them. They may also RtattleR on
friends and blame others for their own mistakes.
These children often ha&e difficulty maintaining friendships. Friends and family members become upset with
their misbeha&ior and often become more irritated when the children do not show remorse or guilt o&er their
actions. They often ha&e low self"esteem, e&en though their beha&ior may make them appear tough, RcockyR
or self"assured.
?ther (ommon #ro/lems
Children with Conduct !isorder are at high risk for school and work problems. These difficulties are often
due to problems in their ability to do schoolwork as well as their difficulties getting along with others. These
children may also participate in crimes and are often in&ol&ed with the court system. They are also more
likely to smoke, use alcohol or illegal drugs, engage in early se0ual acti&ity, and other reckless beha&iors.
These beha&iors increase the risk of teenage pregnancy and se0ually"transmitted diseases.
Differences "etween "oys and >irls
Boys are more likely to be diagnosed with Conduct !isorder than girls. Boys are also more likely to show
aggressi&e beha&ior, threats, &andalism, and confrontational beha&ior than girls. @irls with Conduct !isorder
are more likely to lie, skip school, run away, and shoplift, and are less confrontational in their beha&ior.
'ow ?ld Are They8
The diagnosis of Conduct !isorder typically occurs when children are in their late grade school to early high
school years. 4owe&er, children as young as ="J years old can be diagnosed with the condition. A ma2ority
of children stop showing Conduct !isorder beha&iors by the time they reach adulthoodL howe&er, some
indi&iduals continue to ha&e similar problems through adulthood.
.i!ns of (onduct Disorder
The following is a list of signs taken from the !iagnostic and /tatistical 5anual te0t re&ision EAmerican
sychiatric Association, :CCCF that indicates a child may ha&e Conduct !isorder. 6emember, a child must
show a pattern of at least ; of these beha&ior groups for at least a year before the diagnosis can be
considered.
A!!ression to #eople and Animals
8. Fre,uently bullies, threatens, or intimidates others.
:. Fre,uently starts physical fights.
;. Kses weapons that can cause serious harm Ee.g., a bat, brick, broken bottle, knife, gunF.
<. 4as been physically cruel to people, hurting others on purpose, physically torturing siblings and
peers.
=. 4as been physically cruel to animals, torturing animals.
J. 4as stolen in an aggressi&eSconfrontational way Ee.g., mugging, purse snatching, e0tortion, armed
robbery "" not shopliftingF.
G. 4as forced someone into se0ual acti&ity.
Destruction of #roperty
8. 4as started fires intending to destroy things.
:. 4as purposely destroyed other's property.
Deceitfulness or Theft
8. 4as broken into someone else's house, building, or car.
:. Dies, cons or cheats others.
;. 4as stolen items without confronting a &ictim Ee.g., shoplifting, but without breaking and enteringL
forgeryF.
.erious Biolations of Rules
8. !isobeys curfews, beginning before age 8;.
:. 4as run away from home o&ernight at least twice Eor once for a long timeF.
;. /kips school, beginning before age 8;.
(hile this report gi&es specific information for identifying signs of Conduct !isorder in children, parents and
indi&iduals should not try to diagnose any type of beha&ioral or emotional disorder in their children or
themsel&es. A diagnosis of Conduct !isorder can only be made with confidence by a mental health
professional who has been specifically trained in the assessment and treatment of this disorder.
rescription !rug Abuse' A @rowing roblem Among
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By 6ose @arrett
Kpdated on Qan :H, :CCH
From a young age, kids learn that medicine is a good thing. #t calms coughs, soothes sore throats, and
eases fe&ers. But by adolescence, some children are disco&ering that prescription drugs ha&e some less
than 4ippocratic uses, and their recreational use as mind or body altering drugs has skyrocketed in the past
years.
At the same time, the K./. is en2oying a remarkable decrease in the use of alcohol, tobacco, and so"called
$street drugs% among adolescents. (hat gi&es9 $For more than 8= years, we'&e known that the one thing
that correlates most to increases or decreases in drug abuse is the perception of risk and social
disappro&al,% says Tom 4edrick, a founding director of the artnership for a !rug"Free America. As social
disappro&al of street drugs has grown, and the risks of such drug use has been publici1ed more effecti&ely,
abuse of street drugs has slowly, but surely declined.
rescription drugs, howe&er, ha&e $an incredibly powerful safety profile that has carried o&er in all use,% says
4edrick. $(hat kids tell us o&er and o&er again is, '#t's medicine. 4ow bad can it be9'% 3im Caldeira, a
Faculty 6esearch Associate at the Center for /ubstance Abuse 6esearch at the Kni&ersity of 5aryland,
agrees' $The con&entional wisdom among the research community is that these drugs are percei&ed as
safer because they're medicine.%
According to 4edrick, the most commonly abused medicines are prescription painkillers such as >icodin and
?0ycontin, with nearly 8 in = teens ha&ing abused the medicines. rescription stimulants, such as 6italin
and Adderal, are also high on the list of fre,uently abused drugs, perhaps because of their use as A!4!
medications among children and adolescents. Also widely abused, with about 8 in 8C teens reporting ha&ing
used them, are sedati&es such as -ana0, >alium, )embutal, and !e0tromethorphan, an ingredient in o&er"
the"counter cough medicines.
art of the problem, says 4edrick, is that parents are either unaware of the trend, or not ade,uately
informed of the risks presented by a new generation of drugs. $This cohort of parents see themsel&es as
&ery drug"e0perienced,% he says. $But what they fail to understand is that the drugs they are familiar with are
not the drugs that kids are using today.% And, while most parents don't acti&ely support raiding the medicine
cabinet instead of the li,uor stash, 4endrick says that some parents feel relief when they learn that their
child is e0perimenting with prescription drugs rather than $hard% drugs. But with a rising number of fatalities
linked to prescription drug abuse, it's time parents adopted a different perspecti&e. $!rug use is drug use,%
says Caldeira. $They should not consider it to be harmless 2ust because it's a prescription.%
?nce parents recogni1e the risks of prescription drug abuse, how can they safeguard against it9 The top
priorities, says 4edrick, are to educate yourself, and communicate with your child about the facts. $arents
are not including prescription drug abuse in the ongoing discussions they ha&e with their kids,% he say. $(e
need to do a better 2ob communicating.% 4e also recommends keeping a close eye on the contents of your
medicine cabinet, and getting rid of medications that you no longer need, as the medicine cabinet is the
primary source of these drugs for kids.
$This is the largest change in the landscape of drug abuse we ha&e seen in the last twenty years,% says
4edrick. /o don't get stuck behind the times' get ahead of this troubling trend by educating your family and
friends on the risks of prescription drug abuse. 4ippocrates will thank you.
/ibling 6e&elry' 6aising 3ids (ho @et Along
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/ibling 6i&alry and Conflict

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By atricia /mith
Kpdated on Qul 8=, :CCH
$(hy does she always get to go to the mo&ies and # don+t7% shrieks your 8C"year"old daughter. $#+m the
fa&orite, that+s why7% answers her 8="year"old sister. The petty back"and"forth between your girls is making
you cra1y. Can+t we all 2ust get along9
*es we can, according to !r. !eborah @old, assistant professor of psychiatry and sociology at !uke
Kni&ersity. $@etting along well with our siblings is a birthright,% she suggests. /o if it+s natural, why the
constant sparring9 3nowing the difference between sibling fights and sibling ri&alry will help. Fights are
about possessions and territoryL ri&alry is conflict as a result of parental inter&ention. (hen a parent 2oins in
and creates a &illain"&ersus"&ictim showdown, someone always loses.
!oes that mean you should step aside and let your kids duke it out9 As tempting as that sounds, the answer
is, of course, no. Dessening ri&alry takes a little more panache on your part. 4ere are a few tips that will help'
Rethin) fairness. @i&e possessions according to need and interest. #f your little dancer needs new
ballet slippers, buy them. That doesn+t mean your older athlete automatically needs new tennis shoes.
The playing field will le&el off in the end.
(omparison /reeds competition. 5artha /tewart has nothing on your eight"year"old daughter.
*our 8<"year"old son, on the other hand, might as well eat out of a trough. But touting your daughter+s
uber"cleanliness won+t moti&ate your son to clean his room more often. /o stop the comparisons7
Balidate feelin!s. /ibling relationships are a melting pot of mi0ed emotions. (hen one is angry with
another, &alidate her feelings. >erbali1e your support by saying something like, $# know your little sister
can be a pest. #+ll keep her busy when your friend is here.%
#romote sharin! only when appropriate. !igging into a carton of 6ocky 6oad ice cream with your
little sister is fun. /haring your new microscope with your little brother isn+t. Allow your child the 2oys of
ownership, as well as encouraging the &irtues of sharing.
*a/els can harm. /aying $4e+s our wild one% or R/he's our little scholarR do much more harm than
good if a sibling hears. /tudies show that if you label your child, he will surely rise to the occasion.
Dabels are hard to shake and can place one sibling in a subordinate role to another, and that's when the
trouble will start.
/ooner or later, siblings will s,uabble. But that doesn't mean that sibling ri&alry is ine&itable. #f you as a
parent learn to approach sibling standoffs with a le&el head, your kids will know the difference, and it will
show.
4abits
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By Qay Finestone, 5/(, BC!
)ational Association of /ocial (orkers
Kpdated on !ec 8J, :CCH
2ntroduction
4a&ing a cigarette with your morning coffee. 6eading the sports section of the newspaper first. ?rdering out
pi11a on Friday nights or Chinese on /undays. These may be a few of your fa&orite things. But do you
remember how or when these routines began9 Are you e&en aware that they e0ist9 !on+t be alarmed by
your answers. !oing these things repeatedly and often without thought is what ,ualifies them as habits.
4umans are creatures of habit. ?ur beha&ior patterns, de&eloped o&er time, $program% us to follow
predictable routines e&eryday. *our children, too, are de&eloping their own habits and routines " some of
which may be undesirable or downright harmful. As parents, it is important for us to take an interest in our
children+s habits. By understanding the nature of habits and by employing some habit"breaking strategies,
you can help your child break bad habits.
Qust as good habits can help impro&e the ,uality of our children+s li&es, bad habits can be embarrassing,
annoying, or threatening to their physical and emotional well being. Because all habits are reinforced o&er
time, the earlier parents begin taking notice, the better the chance of helping children a&oid and curtail bad
habits.
But what is a bad habit9 5any parents would probably agree that wearing a seat belt, brushing teeth
regularly, saying $thank you% and $please%, studying after school, and eating healthfully are good habits.
arents may also agree that thumb sucking, knuckle cracking, finger nail biting, and nose picking constitute
bad habits. But before parents inter&ene, they should understand how habits de&elop in children.
At first children are ,uite conscious of the beha&iors that they e0hibit. As the beha&iors continue in
fre,uency, they become more in&oluntary and become habits.
4abits de&elop due to factors including imitation, positi&e reinforcement, andSor an0iety or tension relief.
#ronically, parents accidentally reinforce these negati&e beha&iors they wish to e0tinguish by making a big
deal about them. For e0ample, the $fuss% parent makes is often reinforcing to a child who is seeking
attention.
The best tool for parents wanting their child to discontinue a habit is patience. arents should e&aluate the
habit as ob2ecti&ely as possible o&er a couple of weeks, obser&ing the child and keeping track of the number
of times the beha&ior occurs. #t is also important to note the circumstances under which the beha&ior takes
place, including the time of day and surroundings. These obser&ations may help identify important patterns.
#f, after employing this obser&e"and"e&aluate approach, the parent still wants the beha&ior to cease, the
following techni,ues are often effecti&e.
Tal) Fran)ly $ith %our (hild
!on+t 2ust insist that your child discontinue the beha&ior. #f your child is unable to see how refraining from the
beha&ior is beneficial to him or her, your efforts will be futile. Talk about the beha&ior with your child and
himSher why you think it should be a&oided. Also let him or her know what positi&e things can be done to get
your attention and to relie&e ner&ous energy.
-se "ehavior .hapin!
ick a time of the day in which the child normally would not e0hibit his or her beha&ior and stay close by.
!uring this period, reinforce successes and call attention to setbacks. (hen your child has become
successful during these periods, set a new goal for a different time of day. This techni,ue is effecti&e in
helping your child gain confidence that he or she can be successful.
*ead /y 30ample
Children learn by modeling, so be sure not to engage in a beha&ior Esmoking, for e0ampleF that you don+t
want your child to imitate. *ou can also show how sincere you are by offering to discontinue a negati&e habit
of your own.
a)e a #u/lic (ommitment
Encourage your child to announce to grandparents, family friends and teachers that he or she is planning to
break a habit. (ith support, it is always easier to resist an urge.
-se #ositive Reinforcement
/how your appreciation for your child+s effort and determination. #f your child becomes discouraged, focus
on past successes. 3eep any doubts and frustrations to yourself. (hen desired beha&iors occur,
immediately reward your child with praise, recognition, appro&al, attention or additional pri&ileges.
Teach %our (hild To Rela0
)er&ous habits, such as nail biting, increase under stress. ractice slow breathing e0ercises with your child
and teach him or her to use positi&e self"talk whene&er feelings of ner&ousness or stress occur.
"e #atient
4abits are not de&eloped or broken o&ernight. Change occurs in gradual steps. Begin by aiming to reduce
the number of times a habit occurs each day and then slowly progress toward e0tinction of the habit. (hile
these techni,ues can curtail many beha&iors, they are often ineffecti&e against more serious habits. #f your
child does not benefit from the beha&ioral inter&ention presented here, it is recommended that he or she be
e&aluated by a mental health professional.
4abits aren+t called habits because we engage in them when we feel like it. 6ather, they are beha&iors that
ha&e a tendency to control us. Because habits are de&eloped o&er time, it is important that parents are
mindful of the beha&iors that their children e0hibit. #gnoring them won+t make undesirable beha&iors go
away. But if you employ the techni,ues listed here, you+ll be better able to e,uip your child with good habits
and help him or her from slipping into a routine of bad ones.
#t+s )ormal
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/houlder to /houlder
Kpdated on )o& 8:, :CCA
(ondering what happened to the sweet kids we were raising9 They'&e turned into teenagers. (hile we
know there are going to be good and bad times, it's helpful to know that some of this Rcra1yR beha&ior is 2ust
part of being a teen. #t's normal for a teen to'
Ar!ue for the .a)e of Ar!uin!
Belie&e it or not, teens can find arguing e0citing. As they grow, they are de&eloping new skills in thinking and
logic. This means that arguments with you aren't necessarily about winning, but rather e0periencing the RartR
of an argument. Fun, isn't it9
"e .elf:(entered
#t's all about them. *ou know the whole world isn't focused on their 1it, but they truly belie&e it is. All we can
do is be patient and help them through the RdisastersR as best we can.
"e Dramatic
(hy is e&erything such a big deal to teens9 Qenny has a fight with her boyfriend and it's the end of the
world. (hile it's good for teens to " ahem " care deeply about so many things, the drama will decline as they
grow up.
Iump to (onclusions
As teens de&elop the capacity to think logically, they sometimes make leaps in 2udgment and come to
bi1arre conclusions. 6esist the urge to correct. Disten to what they are saying, and let them think out loud.
(hen asked, offer your perspecti&e.
Find Fault
Can we e&er do anything right in the eyes of teens9 (e can't take it personally Ee&en though we could do no
wrong when they were youngerF, and this isn't a sign of failure. #t's 2ust a normal part of the teen years. And
yes, we really do a lot of things right.
arenting a Child with A!! S A!4!
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By Ellen Qaffe"@illYDisa Flores !umke, 5.A.Y6obert /egal, 5.A.YTina de Benedictis., h.!.Y5elinda /mith, 5.A.YQeanne /egal, h.!.
4elpguide
Kpdated on Feb 8H, :C88
The needs of a child with A!!SA!4! can o&erwhelm families and make home life a chaotic " but they don't
ha&e to. *ou can use strategies to influence and channel your child's beha&ior and can use e0ercise, the
natural en&ironment, and possibly diet to alle&iate A!!SA!4! symptoms. And you don't ha&e to go it alone,
either. Find out how to begin turning frustration and chaos into appreciation and en2oyment of your child with
A!!SA!4!.
#arentin! a child with ADDHAD'D
#f you ha&e a child with A!4!, you know how frustrating it can be when your kid doesn't listen, do what you
asked, or finish what was started. (ith the constant monitoring your child re,uires, it may feel as if he or she
is the one running the home. This added stress can breed resentment, causing you to focus on your child's
deficits while o&erlooking successes and positi&e traits. ?n top of that, you may also feel guilt o&er your
frustration.
But despite the difficulties A!!SA!4! can cause both for you and your child, it doesn't mean that family life
has to be chaotic and frustrating. There are many things you can do to lessen the impact of your child's
condition. Di&ing in a home that pro&ides both lo&e and structure is the best thing for a child or teenager who
is learning to manage A!!SA!4!. (ith patience, compassion, and plenty of support, you can deal with
childhood A!4! while en2oying a stable, happy home.
Tips for family life
#t's important to remember that the child with A!!SA!4! who is ignoring you, annoying you, or
embarrassing you is not acting willfully. 4a&ing A!!SA!4! can be 2ust as frustrating as dealing with
someone who has it. 3ids with A!!SA!4! want to sit ,uietlyL they want to make their rooms tidy and
organi1edL they want to do e&erything 5om says to do, but they don't know how to make it happen. #f you
keep this in mind, it will be a lot easier to respond to you child in positi&e, supporti&e ways.
"elieve in and support your child.
6ecogni1e e&erything that is positi&e, &aluable, and uni,ue about your child.
Trust that your child can learn, change, mature, and succeed. )urture your child's talents and
channel those aspects of A!!SA!4! that can be channeled positi&ely. Today's dreamer may be the
ne0t Q.3. 6owling.
Det your child make mistakes and learn from them, but be there for comfort when mistakes cause
pain.
romote a healthy self"esteem by nurturing the skills your child needs and communicating your
unwa&ering lo&e, appro&al, and support.
&eep thin!s in perspective.
6emember, your child's beha&ior is related to a disorder. 5ost of the time it is not intentional.
4old on to your sense of humor. (hat's embarrassing today may be a funny family story ten years
from now.
!on't sweat the small stuff. ?ne chore left undone isn't a big deal when your child has completed two
others plus the day's homework.
Be willing to make some compromises. #f you're a perfectionist or someone who pri1es order and
decorum, your child is not the only one who needs to change.
#ay attention to the si/lin!s.
Educate siblings about A!!SA!4!.
Establish a clear set of rules that e&eryone in the home must follow.
/pend ,uality time with all your kids. lan acti&ities that are en2oyable for the whole family.
!on't take the successes of your unaffected kids for granted. raise their uni,ue ,ualities, abilities,
and achie&ements.
Det your unaffected children be kids. !on't enlist them as assistant parents WmdashL or blame them if the
sibling with A!!SA!4! misbeha&es under their super&ision.
Ta)e care of yourself.
Dook after your own health, and find ways to reduce stress.
Find the support you need and take ad&antage of it.
Cut yourself some slack if your child with A!!SA!4! doesn't become a model child o&ernight'
you're a parent, not a magician.
ana!in! your child's ADDHAD'D
Children with A!!SA!4! generally ha&e deficits in e0ecuti&e function' the ability to think and plan ahead,
organi1e, control impulses, follow through, and complete tasks. That means you need to take o&er as the
e0ecuti&e, pro&iding e0tra guidance while your child slowly ac,uires e0ecuti&e skills of his or her own.
*our most important attributes in this process are common sense and a positi&e attitude. Common sense
will tell you which beha&iors to work on the most, when to negotiate and when to stand firm, and how to
head off problems before they start. A positi&e attitude will help you see the small, praiseworthy successes
that can add up to permanent impro&ement in your child's beha&ior.
Tips for mana!in! your child's AD'D5
/trong Communication. Be clear and concise when communicating with your child. @i&e instructions
one step at a timeL make re,uests one at a time.
Be consistent. (hat you e0pect one day should be what you e0pect e&ery day. !on't gi&e in 2ust
because you're tired or the child is nagging.
/et a good e0ample. /how your child the beha&iors you'd like to see. Be a model of patience,
healthy habits, and good manners. Be at least as organi1ed as you want your child to be.
Anticipate and a&oid problems. 3now your child's triggers and what situations lead to problems.
Become adept at heading off trouble before it starts.
raise good beha&ior. raise is a powerful reinforcer, so make e&ery effort to Rcatch your child being
goodR.
)egotiate and consult with your child. *ou're a parent, not a drill sergeant, so try to a&oid barking
orders at your child. /tart a dialogue, and be open to what your kid has to say.
ick your battles. )ot e&ery situation re,uires inter&ention. 3eep the big picture in mind and let the
little things slide. #f you don't, your home will be one of constant conflict and criticism.
"ehavioral strate!ies for parents
There are many strategies you can use at home to increase your child's appropriate beha&iors and decrease
the inappropriate, disrupti&e ones.
/trategies for impro&ing communication
@o up to your child and make direct eye contact before gi&ing an instruction.
Check for understanding' RTell me what # want you to do.R
@i&e &erbal directions one at a time, not in a long list.
hysical contact can help the child focus.
Encourage your child to talk through a situation rather than 2ust plunging in.
@o o&er steps in a procedure before and during acti&ities, including those you and your child do
together.
E0press e0pectations in written or &isual form as well as &erbal, such as a chore chart or a checklist.
/trategies for maintaining structure
Establish predictable routines for morning and e&ening.
3eep your child busy with scheduled, super&ised acti&ities, but don't pile on so many that the child is
o&erwhelmed.
#nsufficient sleep makes attention problems worse, so insist that your child ha&e a regular bedtime
and enough rest.
5ake sure your child has a ,uiet, pri&ate space of his or her own, e&en if it's 2ust a table with a
blanket thrown o&er it.
lan ahead to make sure your child doesn't become o&ertired or hungry during outingsL re&iew rules
on beha&ior beforehand.
5ake sure other caregi&ers are familiar with daily routines and beha&ioral goals and adhere to them.
/trategies for impro&ing organi1ation and time management
/et up your home in an organi1ed way' a place for e&erything and e&erything in its place.
*our child should ha&e a specific, regular place for doing homework, away from distractions.
4a&e your child lay out clothes for the ne0t morning before going to bedL make sure what the child
needs to take to school is in a special place, ready to grab.
@i&e your child a special notebook for writing down assignments.
ut clocks throughout the house, with a big one in your child's bedroom.
Allow enough time for what your child needs to do, such as homework or getting ready in the
morning.
Build lots of regular breaks into homework time.
-sin! Rewards and (onse,uences to #romote >ood "ehavior
Rewards (onse,uences
5ake a chart with points or stars /pell out rules and the
awarded for good beha&ior, so your
child has a &isual reminder of his or
her successes.
conse,uences of inappropriate
beha&ior in ad&ance.
6eward your child with pri&ileges or
acti&ities, rather than with food or toys.
Kse time"outs and the remo&al of
pri&ileges as conse,uences for
misbeha&ior.
Change rewards fre,uently. 3ids
with A!!SA!4! get bored if the
reward is always the same.
Take or keep your child away from
situations and en&ironments that
trigger inappropriate beha&ior.
#mmediate rewards work better
than the promise of a reward in the
future, but a system where small
rewards lead to a big one can also be
effecti&e.
Det your child know how you feel
when he or she misbeha&es.
6eward your child for small
achie&ements that you might take for
granted in another child.
4a&e your child come up with
alternati&es to his or her disrupti&e
beha&ior, then ha&e your child
demonstrate this appropriate beha&ior.
6emember, hugs, smiles, and
praise are rewards, too.
Always follow through. !o what you
say you're going to do, whether in
reward or punishment.
-sin! the mind:/ody connection
Although A!!SA!4! is a condition that affects the mind, studies show that e0ercise, physical surroundings,
and diet can make a difference in symptoms.
30ercise and physical awareness
/trenuous e0ercise can be a huge benefit for children with A!!SA!4!. They ha&e energy to burn, and
organi1ed sports and other physical acti&ities can help them focus their attention on specific mo&ements and
skills. E0ercise also impro&es concentration, decreases depression and an0iety, and promotes brain growth.
Find a sport that your child will en2oy and that suits his or her strengths. For e0ample, sports such as
softball that in&ol&e a lot of down time are not the best fit for children with attention problems. #ndi&idual
sports or team sports like basketball and hockey that re,uire constant motion are better options. Children
with A!!SA!4! may also benefit from martial arts training, tae kwon do, and yoga, which enhance mental
control as they work out the body.
A>reen timeA
6esearchers ha&e found that children with A!!SA!4! benefit from spending time in nature. 3ids
e0perience a greater reduction of A!4! symptoms when they play in a park full of grass and trees than on a
concrete playground.
arents may want to take note of this promising approach to managing A!4!. E&en in cities, most families
ha&e access to parks and other natural settings. And when parents 2oin their children in Rgreen time,R they
also get a much"needed breath of fresh air for themsel&es.
Diet and nutrition
Children benefit from fresh foods and regular meal timesL it's best for Tem\allTSem\ kids to stay away from
2unk food and soda. These tenets are especially true for children with A!!SA!4!, whose impulsi&eness and
distractedness can easily lead to missed meals, disordered eating, o&ereating and obesity.
/pecific foods probably don't cause A!!SA!4!, but some researchers ha&e claimed there's a connection
between chemicals found in many foods, including artificial colors and other additi&es, and the se&erity of
A!!SA!4! symptoms. 4owe&er, common sense and discipline, rather than special foods or restricti&e
diets, are what's most important.
Relationship help for )ids with ADDHAD'D
Children with A!!SA!4! often ha&e difficulty with simple social interactions and with reading social cues.
Their relati&e emotional immaturity can make them stand out among children their own age and make them
targets for other children's unethical beha&ior. They may talk too much, interrupt fre,uently, and come off as
aggressi&e or Rtoo intense.R Accordingly, parents often worry that their child with A!!SA!4! will attract
undesirable people as friends or will be unable to make friends and to sustain important relationships as
teens and adults.
!on't forget, though, that many kids with A!4! are ,uite intelligent and creati&e and e&entually will figure
out for themsel&es how to get along with others and how to spot people who aren't appropriate as friends.
5oreo&er, personality traits that might e0asperate parents, teachers, and other authority figures may come
across to other people as ,uirky, funny, and charming. *our 2ob is to help your child with A!!SA!4! become
a better listener, learn to read people's faces and body language, and interact smoothly in groups.
Findin! support for childhood ADDHAD'D
?ne of the most important things to remember in rearing a child with A!!SA!4! is that you don't ha&e to do
it all by yourself. Be willing to ask for support and coordinate ser&ices from your child's doctors, therapists,
and teachers. Also, take ad&antage of support groups for yourself and for your child.
/upport groups for parents of children with A!4!'
connect parents with others dealing with the same issues.
offer a forum for gi&ing and recei&ing ad&ice.
pro&ide a safe place to &ent feelings and share e0periences.
/upport groups for children with A!!SA!4!'
gi&e kids a place to share helpful strategies.
show children that they aren't aloneL they're not the only kids with these problems.
teach children how to transfer the skills they'&e learned to the larger world.
There are also social skills groups geared toward children with A!!SA!4! that can teach them the nuances
of social interaction and help them try out learned social skills in the real world. Ask your school psychologist
or a mental health clinic for a referral to a local social skills group.
4ow !oes Attachment Affect Beha&ior9
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By B. 3aiserYQ./. 6asminsky
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on /ep :A, :C88
According to Bowlby E8AJAS8AH:F, infants construct internal wor&ing models of how relationships work based
on their e0perience with their own attachment figure. Although these models aren't conscious, they prepare
the foundation for social and emotional de&elopmentL guide how children see the world, other people, and
themsel&esL and ser&e as templates for future relationships, including their relationships with teachers and
peers.
Building on the work of Bowlby and Ainsworth, researchers ha&e studied the effects of early attachment and
these internal working models in both children and adults.
Children who are securely attached E(einfeld et al., 8AAAF recei&e consistently warm, sensiti&e, and
responsi&e care from a primary caregi&er who en2oys their company. From this e0perience, they de&elop
internal working models of other people who are there for them, and they see themsel&es as capable of
eliciting whate&er they need from their en&ironment. They tend to ha&e a positi&e &iew of life, know how to
manage and e0press their feelings E4onig, :CC:L 3aren 8AAHF, and possess good social skills, many friends,
and high self"esteem, Because they are also good problem sol&ers who can ask for help when they need it,
they do well in school E4owes and 6itchie, :CC:F. About == percent of children are securely attached E&an
#Q1endoorn, 8AA=F.
Children who are resistantly or am$ivalently attached e0perience a different kind of care. Their primary
caregi&er responds to their signals unpredictably EAinsworth et al., 8AGHF, and because they can't rely on her
to pro&ide comfort and security, they de&elop internal working models in which others can't be trusted and
they're unable to get what they need by themsel&es. #t is no wonder that they become clingy, dependent,
and demanding E(einfeld et al., 8AAAF, #n longitudinal studies, D. Alan /roufe and his colleagues E8AH;L
(einfeld et al., 8AAAF found that resistantly attached school"age children were angry, an0ious, impulsi&e,
and easily frustratedL and their low self"esteem made them an easy target for bullying. They often focus on
the teacher, creating conflict in order to keep her attention E4owes and 6itchie, :CC:L 3aren, 8AAHF. About H
percent of children ha&e the resistantSambi&alent attachment pattern E&an #Q1endoorn, 8AA=F.
The early e0perience of an avoidantly attached child creates yet another set of internal working models. 4is
primary caregi&er is re2ecting, angry, irritable, and hostile E(einfeld et al., 8AAAF. Children growing up under
these conditions consider themsel&es unworthy of lo&e and don't belie&e that other people will be a&ailable
to them E3aren, 8AAHL 6enken, Egeland, 5ar&inney, 5angelsdorf, and /roufe, 8AHAF. To protect themsel&es
from re2ection, they turn off their feelings and act as if they don't care, but beneath their tough facade they
are hurt, sad, and angryOlikely to act aggressi&ely and strike out preempti&ely E3obak, 8AAAF. #n a study of
high"risk elementary school children, /roufe and colleagues E6enken et al., 8AHAF found that boys who were
a&oidantly attached were prone to aggressi&e, hostile, noncompliant, and disrupti&e beha&ior. They lacked
empathy, took pleasure in the misery of others, and infuriated their teachers. 4owe&er, later studies ha&e not
found this association between challenging beha&ior and a&oidant attachment among children at low risk
EDyons"6uth and Qacob&it1, 8AAAF. Appro0imately :; percent of children are categori1ed as a&oidant E&an
#Q1endoorn, 8AA=F.
The primary caregi&er of a child with disorgani:edCdisoriented attachment usually has serious problems of
her ownOshe may be mentally ill, se&erely depressed, or addicted to drugs or alcohol EDyons"6uth and
Qacob&it1, 8AAAF. /ometimes she is frightened, unable to manage her lifeL and sometimes she is frightening
Oangry, hostile, distant. >ery often she abuses her childO<H percent of children who ha&e been maltreated
ha&e a disorgani1ed attachment pattern, according to a meta"analysis of nearly HC studies E&an #Q1endoorn
et al., 8AAAF. At one and the same time she is the source of danger and safety, alarm and comfort EDyons"
6uth and Qacob&it1, 8AAAF. From this confusing e0perience, children deri&e internal working models of
people who can't be trusted to care for them or organi1e their world EDyons"6uth, 8AAJF. They are sad and
an0ious, with poor social skills, self"control, and frustration tolerance. Because they ha&en't de&eloped an
organi1ed strategy for handling stress or strong emotion, they often ha&e serious beha&ior problems, acting
unpredictably and aggressi&ely with their teachers and peers EDyons"6uth, 8AAJL &an #Q1endoorn et al.,
8AAAF.
Although children li&ing with the most difficult conditionsOtrauma or se&ere conflict, for e0ampleOtend to
remain disorgani1ed E5oss, /t"Daurent, !ubois"Comtois, and Cyr, :CC=F, most children with disorgani1ed
attachments e&ol&e a new strategy by their early school years. #n an attempt to make their relationship with
their mother more predictable and less frightening, their beha&ior becomes controlling E4umber and 5oss,
:CC=L 5oss et al., :CC=F, creating problems with peers and teachers, who find them bossy and infle0ible
E@reenberg, 8AAAF.
A&oidant and disorgani1ed beha&ior often appear together, and both are associated with peer re2ection and
poor emotional and school ad2ustment E@ranot and 5ayseless, :CC8F. But it is the children with disorgani1ed
attachment Eespecially those with the controlling &arietyF who are most likely to beha&e aggressi&ely EDyons"
6uth and Qacob&it1, 8AAAL 5oss et al., :CC=L &an #Q1endoorn et al., 8AAAF. About 8= percent of children in
middle"class families display disorgani1ed attachment, but in families where there is po&erty, maltreatment,
or substance abuse the percentage can be two to three times as high E&an #Q1endoorn et al., 8AAAF.
Analy1ing !iscipline roblems
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By 5.>. FieldsY!.5. Fields
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
The first step in e0ercising your 2udgment is to e0amine your goals for discipline. #t is crucial that no
discipline approach damage a child+s growth in self"esteem, self"discipline, and moral autonomy.. (e
attempt to e0plain how inappropriate forms of discipline counteract progress toward these long"term goals.
6ewards, punishment, and other coerci&e approaches to discipline ha&e become mainstream practicesL
teachers must understand that these practices work against their long"term goals.
/hort"term goals are also important, although meeting them must not conflict with long"term goals. There
are certain beha&iors that are so disrupti&e or dangerous that they must be stopped immediately, lea&ing the
teaching aspect of discipline for the ne0t step. #f children+s actions put them into danger, it is essential to act
,uickly and decisi&ely. Talking directly to the children in&ol&ed is much more producti&e than yelling
directions across a room. An emergency situation may re,uire a warning shout, which will be useful if the
teacher+s &oice is usually calm and controlled. 4owe&er, teachers who routinely raise their &oices in an effort
to control a group will find that a raised &oice ,uickly loses effecti&eness.
Findin! the (ause of the #ro/lem
#f the situation is not an emergency, or after an emergency situation is o&er, you are free to think about the
most appropriate discipline approach for long"term goals. This step re,uires a search for the cause or
causes of the discipline problem. 5any times you will find se&eral interacti&e causes of a problem. This
means you need to address se&eral causes in order to pro&ide effecti&e help. !iscipline that deals only with
the symptoms rather than the causes of beha&ior problems is doomed to failureL the problem beha&ior will
continue to surface until the reason for that beha&ior is addressed. Too often teachers respond to the
beha&ior instead of the causes EFlicker W 4offman, :CC:F. This problem is well demonstrated in schools with
posted sets of rules and the pre"planned punishments for breaking each rule.
The causes of a problem are not always ob&ious, and it may take serious study and e&en some trial and
error to get at the root of the matter.
A!e:Typical "ehavior
As you start to search for the cause of a child+s beha&ior problem, first ask yourself whether the offending
beha&ior may simply be typical of that child+s stage of maturation. /ome adults don+t reali1e, for instance,
that a :"year"old is not being naughty when she wets her pants. These adults might punish the child or try
bribing her in efforts to change this beha&ior, unaware that a :"year"old who isn+t potty"trained is e0hibiting
maturationally normal beha&ior. The child can+t change the beha&ior until she is older. *our soul"searching
may re&eal that the $problem% is actually adult intolerance or a misunderstanding of childlike beha&ior
EDandy, :CC:F. #n that case, the cause of the problem is the adult+s attitude, therefore, that attitude, not the
child+s beha&ior, needs to be changed.
2nappropriate Adult 30pectations
The ne0t step in finding the cause of a beha&ior problem in&ol&es e0amining whether or not inappropriate
adult e0pectations may ha&e created the problem. #nappropriate adult e0pectations may include those that
are incompatible with an indi&idual child+s temperament, those that conflict with a family+s culture, those that
do not reflect gender differences, and those that are a poor match for children+s maturational le&els.
(hen we reflect on the uni,ue personalities of children in our care, it is clear that we cannot ha&e the same
e0pectations of all. As we become more aware of di&erse ways of &iewing and responding to e0periences,
we can better match interactions and e0pectations to those differences.
Adults create problems when they re,uire young children to sit still and be ,uiet for more than a few
minutes, to wait with nothing to do, or to engage in learning acti&ities designed for older youngsters. The
)ational Association for the Education of *oung Children offers guidelines for appropriate programs
EBredekamp, 8AAGF and curriculum EBredekamp W 6osegrant, 8AA=F that teachers can consult to make sure
discipline problems are not being caused by an inappropriate en&ironment.
#f you suspect that the en&ironment is causing children to react negati&ely, the solution is to change the
situation rather than try to change the children. This pre&enti&e discipline approach sa&es both teachers and
children a lot of trouble. The adult response in the following e0ample demonstrates the &alue of planning to
better meet a child+s needs.
After eating lunch each day, the children in the child"care program are e0pected to clear off their table
setting and sit back down to wait for a teacher to call them to brush their teeth. /ometimes there is no wait
time, but sometimes it can be a couple of minutes, depending on how many children ha&e finished eating.
/heri knows this is not an ideal situation, but it seems to be the only way to handle the tooth brushing with
:C children and only two sinks.
The children don+t seem to ha&e a problem with this, with the e0ception of /am. /am sits down for about 8C
seconds and then has to get up and mo&e around the room, usually causing a disturbance in the process, or
he wanders into the unsuper&ised kitchen.
/heri has repeatedly reminded /am about sitting and waiting his turn. 4e seems to know what is e0pected
of him but doesn+t seem to be able to do it. /heri decides that this situation 2ust isn+t appropriate for /am and
makes a plan to accommodate his needs. The chairs need to be stacked to sweep the floor after lunch. This
has usually been done by the staff after the kids lea&e school, but /heri asks /am if he would like to help
out and be the chair stacker after lunch. /am 2umps at the chance to do this real and important workOand to
get to mo&e around and use his muscles instead of trying to sit still. )ow /am is the proud official chair
stacker instead of the kid in trouble e&ery day. (hat a difference this makes to his self"esteem7
The good news is that most solutions to undesirable beha&iors can be found by rethinking adult e0pectations
and o&erall classroom practices EFo0 et al., :CC;F.
issin! .)ills
?nce you ha&e satisfied yourself that you are accepting children at their maturational le&el and pro&iding an
indi&idually appropriate en&ironment and curriculum, you can go on to look for other causes of discipline
problems. *oung children ha&e a lot to learn about how to get along, how to deal with their emotions, and
how to communicate effecti&ely. #f you suspect that lack of skill in any of these areas is causing the problem,
a discipline approach that works on needed skills is the solution. 5ost of us work at de&eloping these skills
throughout our li&es, so it is to be e0pected that young children will need help with them.
Adults can demonstrate and assist in desirable modes of self"e0pression and interacting with others
E!e>ries, 4ildebrandt, W .an, :CCCF. robably the most important and difficult lesson has to do with
perspecti&e"takingOunderstanding other people+s &iewpoints. This re,uires a combination of communication
and social skills because people need to be able to e0press their feelings clearly in order to facilitate an
e0change of &iewpoints. Teachers can help children find words so that they can share their &iews and
feelings with their peers, thus decreasing egocentricity. 4elping children learn how to play with others and
make friends goes along with teaching them perspecti&e"taking. ?ther useful approaches include the use of
$# messages% and problem"sol&ing techni,ues to teach children effecti&e conflict resolution E@ordon, 8AHAF.
Emotion regulation is related to enhanced communication and perspecti&e"taking skills. (hen children are
able to find the words to e0press their sorrows and frustrations, they ha&e a way of getting support and an
acceptable way of letting off steam. (hen they begin to understand that there may be another side to a
situation, they are often comforted. For instance, if children are able to understand that the child who
wronged them did so by accident, it often has a calming effect. /imilarly, beginning to learn that things don+t
always go their way because others also want their own way can help children cope with a disappointment.
#n addition, most children need specific assistance with learning how to comfort themsel&es and how to
delay gratification. Teaching children social skills, perspecti&e"taking, effecti&e communication, and emotion
regulation are important discipline strategies that promote lifelong, harmonious social interaction.
*ac) of -nderstandin!
erhaps the child has the needed skills but has chosen not to use them. /ometimes children beha&e in
unacceptable ways because they don+t understand why they shouldn+t. erhaps the cause of the problem is
a lack of knowledge about how to beha&e or about the results of certain actions. *oung children need
assistance in learning about cause"and"effect relationships. They need to learn that their beha&iors ha&e
certain results or conse,uences EBrady et al., :CC;F.
Adults often ha&e trouble allowing children to learn from e0perience because of the desire to protect them.
Although you do need to keep children away from harm, you don+t want to protect them so much that they
lose the opportunity to learn. Finding out that you get cold if you don+t dress for the weather or that you get
hungry if you don+t eat are &aluable educational lessons. They are e0amples of natural conse,uences
E!reikurs, 8AJ<F. 6elated conse,uences are adult"imposed, but they link the beha&ior to a result that
demonstrates why the beha&ior needs to be changed. Too often, adults e0pect children to learn from
lectures and forget that e0perience is the best teacher. )atural and related conse,uences are effecti&e
forms of guidance that help children gain knowledge, which in turn guides youngsters in self"regulating their
beha&ior.
islearnin!
/ometimes children ha&e learned the wrong things. These children ha&e learned to get their emotional
needs met in counterproducti&e ways. #n this case, the needed discipline approach in&ol&es reteaching.
Children need to unlearn old ways of getting attention and learn new ones ECurwin W 5endler, 8AAAF.
Qudicious use of beha&ior modification techni,ues guides teachers in ignoring undesirable beha&iors and
encouraging desirable ones.
Another type of mislearning is a result of undesirable role models. The need to counteract this influence
cannot be o&erstated EDe&in, :CC;F. /ometimes the undesirable role models are older children, family
members, or sports heroes. Additionally, educators fre,uently model power tactics that model a $might
makes right% approach EButchart, 8AAHF.
(hate&er the source, positi&e role models who build trusting relationships with children are desperately
needed as the antidote. Teachers must be moral, caring, and socially skilled so they can demonstrate
important skills and understandings in word and deed E(atson, 8AAAF. The most effecti&e models
$transparently% model desirable beha&ior by talking to themsel&es out loud, demonstrating the thought
processes behind their actions E!ill, 8AAHF.
-nmet 3motional Needs
#f you are sure that a child knows better and is capable of beha&ing better, but is still acting out, you need to
look deeper for the cause. /ometimes undesirable beha&ior is moti&ated by children stri&ing to feel okay in
spite of e0periences that ha&e left them with emotional deficits EDandy, :CC:F. /trong sur&i&al instincts
moti&ate these youngsters to try to get their needs met, and they fre,uently act out in e0tremely disrupti&e
ways that show misguided efforts toward $wholeness.% ?ther youngsters with emotional deficits gi&e up and
retreat into their shells. The latter may be easier to deal with but are ultimately an e&en greater cause for
your concern and attention.
#f unmet needs are the cause of the problem, a truly effecti&e discipline approach must in&ol&e attempts to
help children get those needs met. These attempts might be made in con2unction with other approaches that
will make the symptoms more manageable, such as related conse,uences. #t is important to keep the cause
of the problem in mind, howe&er, and continue to work on helping the child get his or her needs met.
.erious #ro/lems
Teachers fre,uently find that a child in their care has unmet needs or other problems that they cannot
ade,uately address by themsel&es. These problems, although manifested in undesirable beha&iors, may not
actually be guidance or discipline issues. 6ather than being addressed through teaching, they may need to
be dealt with by medical practitioners or social workers. #n some cases, the child+s entire family must be
helped in order to benefit the child. There is a limit to what can be e0pected of teachers and caregi&ers, and
they must insist on outside e0pertise to help children with se&ere beha&ior problems.
Family (ommunication and (omple0ity of (auses
Typically se&eral different causes are interacting with one another when a child is acting out. Teachers often
need information from the child+s home in order to get a clear picture of the possible causes. The following
e0ample shows how a teacher and a mother worked together, sharing information about the child to figure
out why she had a hard day at school.
Corrie had a terrible, awful, no"good day at preschool. /he screamed and cried and clung to her mom at
school. 4er mother e0plained that she couldn+t stay with her because she had to take Corrie+s baby sister
home for her nap, but Corrie continued to cry and insisted that her mother stay with her. After mother finally
did lea&e, Corrie followed the teacher around and wouldn+t engage in play with the other children.
!ennis talked to Corrie+s mother on the phone that e&ening in an effort to figure out the cause of her
daughter+s problem and keep her from ha&ing more such bad days. They took into consideration
maturational factors' that Corrie was too young to understand other people+s needs, so she naturally didn+t
respond to the e0planation of what her mother needed to do. They also acknowledged that preschool"age
children still ha&e a long way to go in learning to control their emotions and e0press them appropriately.
*oung children can+t distinguish between a momentary frustration and a true tragedyL therefore, they tend to
respond in the e0treme to all upsetting e&ents.
Corrie+s teacher and parents had pre&iously discussed her innate temperament' emotionally sensiti&e and
also slow to adapt to change. Because she is more than typically emotionally sensiti&e, Corrie e0periences
her feelings deeply, making emotion regulation e&en more difficult for her. (hen she gets upset, she has
great difficulty getting o&er it. Corrie+s other identified temperament challenge, difficulty in adapting to
change, means that disruptions in her schedule upset her. Therefore, it is &ery significant that this was
Corrie+s first day back at school after a :"week family &acation.
As !ennis and Corrie+s mother talk, the mother acknowledges that Corrie was pretty tired after their trip and
notes that she had been sick most of the time they were gone. #n fact, gi&en the day+s problems, Corrie+s
mother now worries that Corrie may still not be feeling well.
(hereas she had pre&iously been frustrated with Corrie, the mother now reali1es that Corrie+s distressing
beha&ior was probably ine&itable, gi&en the combination of factors. The horrible, no"good day was a result of
normal maturation limitations interacting with Corrie+s indi&idual temperament and compounded by unmet
physical needs.
6ather than a list, a set of concentric circles might be a better way of analy1ing some beha&ior problems.
(e could start with the beha&ior itself shown as a tiny circle in the center, and then make surrounding circles
that show the conte0t in which the beha&ior occurred. This way of analy1ing a beha&ior problem may be
helpful in connecting multiple, interwo&en causes.
The ne0t larger circle can be used to show any unmet physical or emotional needs in&ol&ed. For instance, is
the child tired, hungry, or ill9 Could the child be worried, sad, or fearful9
Another larger circle around that one could show the related maturational limitations. Typically, you would
e0pect that young children would not be good at perspecti&e"taking, emotion regulation, or any type of
logical thinking.
The ne0t circle could be used to show the child+s uni,ue characteristics such as temperament and cultural
influences. A final, outside circle might look at related learning' (hat missing skills might be in&ol&ed9 !oes
the child need help understanding why the beha&ior is inappropriate9 4as the child learned inappropriate
beha&ior due to poor role models andSor reinforcement of misbeha&ior9
4elping the >ery Acti&e Child
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!iscipline and Challenging Child Beha&ior

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By atricia (ipfler
Kpdated on 5ay :8, :C8C
/ome children are off and running &ery early in their li&es. They s,uirm, run, shout, and barrel through their
childhood, with e0asperated parents trailing behind. These &ery acti&e children can present challenges to
pressured parents and teachers. But &ery acti&e children aren't $problem% children B they simply need e0tra
support and understanding from those around them. 4ere's how to start'
3m/race your child's ener!y level.
#t's not out of order for a child to want to play hard, laugh hard, wrestle, climb, and e0plore7 As our society
has mo&ed towards passi&e consumption and entertainment, places where children can safely mo&e, make
noise and play on the wild side ha&e disappeared. At the same time, society+s definition of what+s $normal%
for children has narrowed considerably, making life hard not 2ust for the &ery acti&e child, but for all children
who might like to e0plore through mo&ement and $hands"on% learning.
?ften, though, a child+s acti&ity le&el has its origin in early struggles. Knfortunately, his energy le&el can
make parents become more distant, when they should be closer than e&er. (ell"intentioned grownups
usually want &ery acti&e children to act like they are someone else' to calm down, to keep their hands to
themsel&es, to stop doing what they're doing. But parents should remember that the more times an acti&e
child hears, $/top it,% the more isolated she becomes.
a)e time to play.
#t may seem counterintuiti&e to embrace your child+s acti&ity appetite, but it works7 laying with your child
gi&es him reassurance, and helps him feel understood. Try going with his energies, instead of against them,
and watch him turn from a tense ball of energy to a happy and rela0ed child.
Begin by setting up $/pecial Time,% during which you e0plicitly say, with enthusiasm, $For Ethis manyF
minutes, #+ll play whate&er you want to play7% 5ost of us can wrestle, chase, climb, 2ump, catch flying bodies,
or be $frightened% by a hidden child 2umping out from behind the closet door for ten minutes at a time. *our
child will be delighted that you+re 2oining him at his energy le&el.
Acti&e physical play can create the opportunity for tension release for your child. #n fact, a &ery acti&e child
may carry emotional stress that dri&es his relentless energy. The laughter and physical bumping, wrestling,
and knocking around that takes place during $/pecial Time% help acti&e children find a healthy outlet for the
tensions that may ha&e shifted their young systems into o&erdri&e. lay, laughter, and the adult+s permission
to be oneself can heighten a child+s sense of emotional safety.
.et limits on out:of:/ounds /ehavior4 /ut listen to how your child feels a/out them.
Because &ery acti&e children ha&e been told so many times to stop, slow down, do this and do that, they
become deaf to spoken limits. /etting limits works best without words' 2ust go to your child, put a friendly but
firm arm around him, and physically stop him from doing the out"of"bounds thing that+s not working. (hen
you drop the yelling, orders, and criticism, but concentrate on mo&ing close and paying attention to him,
you+ll ha&e more energy for listening, and your child will open up to you.
#nstead of trying to $fi0% e0ternal patterns with rewards and punishment, try bringing your energy and caring
toward the child who lies, perhaps a bit frightened and isolated, beneath the intense and acti&e surface.
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Communicating with *oung Children

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By Disa 5. Cope
Kpdated on Qan 8A, :C8:
*ou+&e seen the commercial where the pretty blond woman holds up her pack of gum and asks, $dirty
mouth9% /he+s of course referring to white teeth and fresh breath. But many parents can relate to li&ing with
dirty mouths e&ery day Bthat is, bad words pouring out from a child+s lips.
There comes a time in e&ery kid+s life when he e0periments Eat least you hope it+s 2ust an e0periment7F with
bad language. The key is to nip it early before a habit is formed. (hy do kids swear9 The reasons are
&aried' to get attention, impress others at school, or often an effort to e0ert their own choices. 3nowing how
to handle it before it happens can really help. Be prepared, as the motto goes. And know that this, too, shall
pass Bif it+s handled correctly.
First, set an e0ample at home. Puite simply, a&oid swearing yourself, e&en if your husband really makes you
angry or someone cuts you off in the car. 6emember, there are little sponges in the backseat, absorbing
e&erything. #f you take the swear words out of your &ocabulary, it will decrease the chances of your child
repeating them.
(hen kids are young, they still want to be 2ust like you, so keep it clean7 According to )ancy Brown, h.!.
and /enior 6esearch Associate at the alo Alto 5edical Foundation 6esearch #nstitute, $Chances are good
that young children Eunder fi&eF are 2ust mimicking and do not understand the meaning of the words. This is
a wake"up call to parents, who may ha&e a swearing habit that needs to change, or are letting their children
watch T>Smo&ies that are inappropriate.%
#f you slip up and swear, Eand let+s face it, we all ha&e to release a little steam e&ery once in awhileF, try
e0claiming another catchy word in its place like $yabba dabba do7+ to take the attention away from the bad
word. ?r try rhyming it, like $shoot, boot, toot7% For older kids, a little more communication is in order. E0plain
why you burst out and why it was wrong. *ou can say, $# shouldn+t ha&e lost my temper and used that word.
#t was disrespectful.%
/econd, set the rules. #f they swear, they get punished. #t+s as simple as that. *ou may not be able to control
what they say outside of your home, but at least while they are with you they know the rules. And be sure to
tell them why it isn+t permitted.
As Brown says, $For kids fi&e to ten, tell them why the words are unacceptable and tell them clearly you will
not allow their use. 4a&e a conse,uence for their use and that should reduce the swearing. #f not, then
there may be a feeling and emotion behind the swearing and the child needs to learn how to e0press them
in a way people can listen and respond.%
Third, gi&e your child an alternati&e. #f he wants to release his frustration and anger &erbally Ewhich can
sometimes be better than releasing it physically on his brotherF gi&e him some words that are acceptable in
your house. 4a&e him say $crumpet7% or $cheese7% when he+s mad. #f it+s an older kid, he may not be as
willing to substitute funny food for swear words. Try to identify why he has such strong emotions and
encourage him to e0press them in a more socially constructi&e way, by encouraging him to try to e0press
and e0plain how he's feeling, rather than e0claim about it.
5ost important, communicate with your child, especially if the swearing seems a symptom of a deeper,
underlying problem. Ksually, swearing is a ploy for attention and it passes as kids mo&e on to bigger and
better things. #t will be goodbye dirty mouth, with thankfully no soap washing re,uired.
)ormal Beha&ior roblems of Children
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By Q.Q. Bigner
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
?ne of the ma2or preoccupations of many parents focuses on problems in children+s beha&ior and
de&elopment. Fre,uently, conflicts occur between parents and children o&er sociali1ation tasks, relationship
concerns, and gaining compliance from children. 5any situations that are termed $normal% beha&ior
problems are actually a problem for the adult and not the child. /imilarly, many problems are simply a
normal part of de&elopment as children stri&e to accomplish specific tasks but e0perience difficulties in
mastering them. These may relate to the child+s age' (hat is normal beha&ior at one stage may be
problematic at another and may indicate some type of de&elopmental or emotional disturbance.
arents need to be aware of the difference between normal beha&ior problems and problems that are
indicati&e of a serious disorder that calls for professional attention. There are some normal beha&ior
problems that parents can anticipate as a part of the de&elopment of children. These range from sleep
problems in young children to eating disorders in adolescents. For many indi&iduals, the ma2or sources of
information on these common problems are parenting books, articles in popular maga1ines, and discussions
with friends.
Focus #oint.
/ome misbeha&iors of children constitute problems that are a normal aspect of their de&elopment. A
competent parent today gains knowledge about child growth and de&elopment to learn what to e0pect at
each stage of de&elopment. The competent, effecti&e parent learns a &ariety of methods for handling
problems that present difficulties in interactions with children.
#oints to (onsider
Today, a competent parent acti&ely ac,uires knowledge about child growth and de&elopment and
gains e0perience in using a &ariety of methods and strategies that facilitate healthy parent"child
interactions.
?ne of the greatest concerns of most parents is how to pro&ide ade,uate and proper discipline for
children. !iscipline refers to those methods used to help children learn to beha&e in appropriate ways,
according to the patterns supported by their family system. To be effecti&e, discipline should be positi&e,
moderate, aimed at a child+s particular age and de&elopmental le&el, and based on an understanding of
a particular child+s needs.
!iscipline often is considered to refer to those beha&iors and methods that in&ol&e punishment used
to control children+s misbeha&iors. #n truth, spanking and other forms of physical punishment are not
recommended as part of any discipline program. Effecti&e discipline aims to pro&ide children with
structure Eself"disciplineF and nurturance.
#t is also important for a caregi&er to remember that there are a &ariety of reasons for children+s
misbeha&ior.
!iscipline is facilitated when caregi&ers' E8F attempt to identify and understand a child+s feelings and
moti&ationsL E:F discuss and adopt a consistent plan of discipline methodsL E;F attempt to accomplish
effecti&e communication with children by listening to their opinions and feelingsL E<F allow children to
learn to make decisions as well as mistakes and to take responsibility for their actionsL and E=F base
discipline on the use of rules, some negotiable and others nonnegotiable, as well as asserti&e and
supporti&e care.
A &ariety of methods or strategies is a&ailable to contemporary parents for use in establishing
disciplinary programs for children.
The disciplinary strategies discussed in this chapter are deri&ed from modern beha&ioral science and
range from reward and reinforcement to ways that facilitate effecti&e communications between parents
and children. Those strategies include beha&ior modification, the democratic approach, and arent
Effecti&eness Training.
Four characteristics describe these discipline strategies' E8F each seeks to reduce parental power
o&er child beha&ior and fosters reacting in positi&e ways that do not damage children+s self"esteemL E:F
children are taught to learn self"discipline in controlling their actionsL E;F caregi&ers are pro&ided with
pro&en, effecti&e means of communication that help reduce conflict and facilitate healthy interpersonal
interactionsL and E<F each seeks to help parents gain a better understanding of child growth and
de&elopment.
Beha&ior modification in&ol&es the use of positi&e rewards and reinforcement of desired child
beha&iors by parents. Caregi&ers use these methods to teach children how to beha&e in an appropriate
manner. 6einforcers must immediately follow a desired act to be effecti&e. Caregi&ers may teach a
comple0 task to children in se,uential stages using reinforcement as children master progressi&ely
difficult beha&iors. #n addition, caregi&ers must be aware of the ability of children to reinforce certain
parent beha&iors.
A central tenet of the democratic approach to parenting is based on se&eral assumptions' E8F there
are reasons for children+s actionsL E:F parents must attempt to understand children+s beha&ior by
determining and analy1ing the child+s reasoning for his or her beha&iorL E;F e&eryone has a basic need
to belong to a social groupL and E<F people de&elop a life plan that guides decisions to beha&e in certain
ways, and that life plan may be based on faulty assumptions. A child+s birth order in a family has a
strong influence on the kind of life plan the child de&elops. @oals of misbeha&ior may e0plain reasons
underlying most beha&iors of children. arents are encouraged to teach children that there are logical
conse,uences, either positi&e or negati&e, to beha&ior. These conse,uences teach children to beha&e
in accordance with family rules and policies. Encouragement is suggested as being more appropriate in
shaping children+s beha&ior than rewards. Family councils or regular meetings of the family group are
recommended to establish policies and rules, conse,uences to the rules, and to resol&e conflicts.
Children should ha&e an e,ual &oice with that of parents at such councils.
arent Effecti&eness Training focuses on enhancing communication skills between parents and
children and on ways to resol&e conflicts. Effecti&e communication is thought to occur when' E8F the
parent acts as a counselor when a child has a problemL E:F a child+s beha&ior is causing a problem for
the adult and othersL and E;F conflicts between parents and children are resol&ed through compromise.
There are se&eral ways that parental discipline can be ineffecti&e with children and can be damaging
rather than helpful to children.
5ost children will e0perience problems in their beha&ior that is an anticipated aspect of normal
de&elopmental progress. arents need to learn to distinguish between such normal beha&ior problems
and those that are serious in re,uiring professional assistance.
/chool 6efusal or A&oidance
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An0iety and !epression Association of America
Kpdated on Feb 8H, :C88
A child e0periencing more than 2ust Rschool 2ittersR usually refuses to go to school on a regular basis or has
problems staying in school. This should not be confused with truant children who a&oid school because they
display antisocial beha&ior or delin,uency.
/chool refusal or a&oidance is often a symptom of a deeper problem, and if not treated it can ha&e a
negati&e effect on sociali1ation skills, self"confidence, coping skills and, of course, education. An0iety"based
school refusal affects : to =I of school"age children. #t is common at times of transition, such as graduating
from elementary school to middle school and from middle school to high school. An0ieties tend to differ
among age groups, but these are the most common stressors'
separation an0iety
concerns about academic performance
an0ieties about making friends
fear of a teacher or bully
The most common ages for school refusal are between fi&e and si0, and between ten and ele&en. Children
who suffer from school refusal tend to be a&erage or abo&e a&erage in intelligence.
Their stress may come out in physical symptoms such as the following'
headaches
stomachaches
nausea
diarrhea
#n addition to physical symptoms, they may e0hibit beha&ioral symptoms'
tantrums
infle0ibility
separation an0iety
a&oidance
defiance
?lder children not only e0perience the stress that goes along with transition from one school to the ne0t, but
they ha&e the added academic pressure in the higher grades when they begin to consider what their futures
hold. These stresses may manifest themsel&es in an e0treme preoccupation with appearance,
sleeplessness, or rebellion. As with younger children, it is important that they remain in school, although they
may fight it. 5issing school reinforces an0iety rather than alle&iating it.
There may be many fears related to school, but these are the most common'
/eparation from caregi&ers
6iding on the bus
Eating in the cafeteria
Ksing the school bathroom
Being called on in class
Changing for gym
#nteracting with other children or teachers
@etting picked on by peers or older children
(hy 3ids /kip /chool and (hat *ou Can !o About it
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!iscipline and Challenging Child Beha&ior

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By /ue !ouglass Fliess
Kpdated on !ec :H, :C8C
#f trends persist, G=I of today's students entering high school will not complete the post"secondary
education re,uired to thri&e in our globali1ed world. *ikes. According to the Freshman Transition #nitiati&e
EFT#F of @eorge (ashington Kni&ersity, a student's plans for post"secondary education often hinges on the
attitudes they de&elop in the Hth and Ath grade about themsel&es, their futures, and their educations.
(hen you think of a high school drop"out, your mind may first go to a child who lacks moti&ation or goofs off.
6ebecca 5. !edmond, h.!., and !irector of FT# says that, in fact, many drop"outs are &ery bright. $The
kids who are not engaged or tend to be truant simply don+t see what they+re learning in school as rele&ant to
their life. They don+t see the relationship.% Andrew Qackson, the Gth K./. resident, dropped out, studied law
in his late teens and became a lawyer. Certainly not a slouch, perhaps he 2ust wasn+t challenged enough9
!edmond says once students can see how what they+re doing in school can help them reach their future
goals, they are much more likely to stick around and embrace their education.
/o what can schools do to get on the same page as their students9 First, says !edmond, $(e need to listen
to the students. As long as we show them 'what+s in it for me,' they actually don+t mind working hard and
being challenged.% /chools can help students balance their skills and interests as well as deemphasi1e
competition, which allows more students the opportunity to participate.
But it+s not entirely up to the schools. !edmond says as parents, there are a few things you can do as well.
@et in&ol&ed with your child+s school. Talk to the teachers about your child and what pi,ues her interests.
!iscuss how that may be incorporated in lesson plans during her day. #n addition, !edmond tells parents to
encourage their children to 2oin after"school sports. #f they don+t show up for school, they can+t be on the
team.
/chools and parents alike need to ensure the teens of today ha&e what they need to become world leaders
of tomorrow. #f you get engaged with your child+s education, your child will too.
(hat to !o (hen *our Child Dies
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Talking About Tough #ssues

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By atricia /mith
Kpdated on 5ar =, :CCA
Bending the truth, fibbing, telling tall tales, truth"stretching B these are all gentle ways of describing a big fat
lie. And no matter how sweetly your ="year"old stares up at you as she describes her teacher+s new purple
5ohawk, or her best friend+s pet gorilla, catching your little one in a lie can be unsettling.
(hether the lie is a little white one or one of aul Bunyan proportions, most likely, you feel confused and
hurt. (hat did you do wrong9 4as the openness you+&e modeled in your home backfired9
First, rela0. (hile it+s not e0actly desirable, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent sychiatry
reports that lying is within the boundaries of normal childhood beha&ior, especially between the ages of <
and 8C. *ounger children lie due to an inability to distinguish between reality and make"belie&e or to garner
attentionL older children lie to a&oid doing chores, temper embarrassment, protect another child, or protect
their pri&acy.
(hile lying is considered normal, e0perts remind parents to remain aware. Breathe easy, but don+t let down
your guard completely. The guidelines below pro&ide strategies that can be helpful.
odel honest /ehavior. *our kindergartener answers the phone and s,ueals with delight, $#t+s
grandma77 %*ou ,uickly pantomime a person showering and shake your head from side to side, hoping
your little one understands. E&ery parent has asked a child to fib on her behalf when she isn+t up for a
phone call at least once or twice, but this does send a mi0ed message. #f you do get caught in a lie,
admit it and e0plain yourself.
#raise truth tellin!. Congratulate your child on telling the truth. )ot only are you building a sense of
self"esteem in your child, you are also laying the foundation for healthy decision making.
Tread li!htly on rules. 3ids today are beleaguered with rules and regulations B at school, the
library, and e&en at social and sporting e&ents. Dighten up on the rules at home and allow your child to
feel safe and accepted, lessening the pressure to lie.
Assume the /est. Catching your child in a lie can shake your faith and undermine your trust. !o
your best to o&ercome negati&ity and restore your trust in your child. E&eryone deser&es a second
chance.
4abitual or compulsi&e lying by adolescents can take on more significance. #f deception becomes a way of
dealing with e&eryday life, it could be indicati&e of a more serious problem. Consult a physician if the lies
become systematic.
Think *our Teen )eeds Counseling9
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By @ary !irenfeld, 5/(, 6/(
)ational Association of /ocial (orkers
Kpdated on !ec 8J, :CCH
2ntroduction
Counseling teens can be tricky business. ?ften when social workers recei&es a call for help to counsel a
teen it is from from an e0asperated parent who no longer can tolerate the beha&iour of their son or daughter.
The teen is presented as out of control. There may be concerns of drugs or alcoholL school performanceL
andSor the influence of the peer group. The teen may be described as depressed, an0ious, angry or e&en
suicidal.
The parent wants the counsellor to meet with their son or daughter. The subte0t is a parent wanting the
counsellor to tal& some sense into their child. The hope is that the counsellor can wag an e&en bigger finger
in front of the teen for an effect more profound than that of the parent or miraculously get the teen toopen
up.
(agging fingers doesn+t work. #f the teen isn+t talking to their parents, then dragging them off to the
counsellor as an agent of the parent likely won+t work either. #f the teen does meet first with the counsellor
and does talk, what is often heard is a litany of complaints about the parents. The counsellor is ne0t in the
middle between parents and teen playing $he said, she said%. /o what is a parent to do9
arents are ad&ised to meet with the counsellor together, ahead of their son or daughter. This achie&es
se&eral ob2ecti&es'
8. arents can pro&ide a detailed description of their concern and the history of the problems. The
counsellor then has a broader perspecti&e to understand the issues than what the teen would likely
pro&ide.
:. /ome teens Elike adultsF &iew counselling as stigmati1ing. The counsellor may be able to a&oid this
by arri&ing at a clinical diagnosis of the problem. This means that on the basis of the parents+
description, the counsellor may come to an understanding of the problem and can direct the parents
accordingly. #f the counsellor can offer meaningful direction without e&en seeing the teen, then the
teen may be spared feeling stigmati1ed. #f need be though, the counsellor can still meet with the teen
directly.
;. The parents will ha&e had the opportunity to check out the counsellor and determine if they are
comfortable trusting their son or daughter+s care to this person. )ot all counsellors are alike and the
parents may prefer the approach or &alues of one counsellor to another.
Dastly, parents must understand that the counsellor doesn+t li&e with the teen. The parents do. E&en though
the focus of what brought the teen into counselling may begin with their beha&iour and problems, at some
point the counselling must take focus on a positi&e direction and look for solutions with parents as partners.
The solutions should include not only what not to do, but include clear direction for what to do. !welling on
the problems will lea&e participants immersed in the negati&e, li&ing in the past. 6efocusing and de&eloping
positi&e strategies for impro&ing relationships and beha&iour can redirect both parents and teen to positi&e
ends.
/o, if you are looking for counselling for your teen'
8. 5eet with the counsellor first.
:. !etermine if your teen needs to be seen in discussion with the counsellor at this meeting.
;. 6emember, the counsellor doesn+t li&e with your teen. Counselling may be directed to help parents
better guide, manage or influence their teen.
<. #f your teen does attend counselling, your participation remains crucial.
=. After determining and addressing the problems, the focus must shift to positi&e working solutions
that are future oriented and facilitate parent"teen relationships.
J. #f e&er you are uncertain, ask ,uestions7
The goal' 6elief from distress and well"ad2usted teens.
(hat Causes Challenging Beha&ior9
rint
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By B. 3aiserYQ./. 6asminsky
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
The &ast outpouring of research in both neuroscience and child de&elopment in recent years has made this
interesting ,uestion more difficult than e&er to answer. eople used to ask, R(hich is more important, nature
or nurture9R But today's e0perts say that this debate is Rscientifically obsoleteR E/honkoff and hillips, :CCC,
p. JF. They ha&e disco&ered that nature and nurture are ine0tricably entangled and work together in e&ery
aspect of human de&elopment. (e will try to tease a few threads out of this intricately wo&en fabric so that
we can e0amine them more closely, but we must warn you that they won't come out neatly.
The relationship between risk factors and challenging beha&ior is complicated. /imilar risk factors can result
in different outcomes, and different risk factors can produce similar outcomes. And risk factors ha&e a
cumulati&e effect. A student who has one risk factor faces no more risk of de&eloping challenging beha&ior
than a student who has none. But a student who has two risk factors faces a risk four times as great E6utter,
:CCCL *oshikawa, 8AA<F. (here risk factors are concerned, one plus one e,uals more than two.
6isk factors are often in&isible, and families may not e&en know they're there. *ou can ask about risk factors
if it seems appropriate, but it's entirely possible that no hard information will e&er come to light. At the same
time, e&en though you're not a doctor or a psychologist trained to make diagnoses, you can learn a lot by
obser&ing a student with challenging beha&ior and talking to her family about what's going on. As you do,
keep the risk factors in mind. 6arely can you change them, but they will pro&ide you with insight, empathy,
and ideas about how to proceed. Knderstanding risk factors can make a difference in your attitude toward a
student and enable you to de&elop a relationship of trust and caring that can help her feel safe, accepted,
and more likely to beha&e appropriately.
The risk factors for challenging beha&ior fall into two broad categories, biological and en&ironmental. (e'&e
defined $iologicalas anything that impinges on the child from conception to birth, and we'&e organi1ed this
section chronologically, beginning with genes. Anything that influences a child after birth we'&e considered
as environmental, whether it acts on her directly Esuch as physical punishment or lead in her drinking waterF
or indirectly Esuch as po&ertyF. The en&ironmental section begins with the familyOa child's most intimate
en&ironmentOand gradually mo&es outward through school and community influences. Although cultural
dissonance is an important factor, we won't deal with it here because we'&e gi&en it a chapter of its own.
?nce again, it's important to remember that these factors o&erlap, and although we present them here as if
each is separate, in fact they are constantly interacting and influencing each other.
!ealing (ith Children's Dies
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(ollect 2t@
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4eartland Family /er&ice
Kpdated on Feb :=, :C88
2t seems that no matter how parents teach their children the importance of honesty4 their children lie
anyway. 'ow important are these lies8
4onesty is a crucial issue of family life. And yes, sooner or later all children will tell a deliberate lie. #t's a
natural part of growing up. The real significance of a child's lie depends on his or her age, the intent of the
lie, and how often lies are told.
'ow does a!e affect honesty8
Children as young as < years old tell deliberate lies to get out of trouble. Kp to age H, fear of parent
disappro&al will discourage lying. Adolescents react more to the conse,uences, so they need to ha&e logical
conse,uences for lying. )ot until a child is a teenager does he or she begin to understand how lying
destroys trust. These are abstract concepts, and abstract reasoning does not de&elop until this time.
$hy do children lie8
The child's first lie is a significant separation tool " they are establishing independence from parents. The
intent of the lie is an important factor. 5aking up things is a product of fantasy, and is perfectly normal in
young children. ?ften, it is an attempt to understand what is real and what is imagined. The parent helps
clarify the real by talking with the child. But lying to deliberately mislead or decei&e is more seriousL and
should result in immediate, appropriate conse,uences.
$hat are appropriate conse,uences for lyin!8
4arsh punishment is not appropriate, because it only creates a fear of punishment. As always, the
conse,uence should relate to the misbeha&ior'
Dying about homework can result in no tele&ision.
Dies about where the child was after school results in coming straight home.
Dies of omission, like dri&ing while drinking, should result in no dri&ing pri&ileges.
Be matter"of"fact about the lying " think Rconse,uences,R not Rpunishment.R

$hat a/out a child who lies fre,uently4 even when he or she is cau!ht8
Children can be such good manipulators that adults are impressed with their Rhonesty.R #n fact, the child may
be asking for help. Children who are chronic liars can grow into decei&ing adolescents and adults' theft,
scams, etc. !ecide if the child lies 8F too often, and :F for the wrong reasons. #f the answer is Ryes,R an
e&aluation by a professional is an important step in the right direction.
#mpulsi&e Beha&ior
rint
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By T.Q. .irpoli
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
Campbell and (erry E8AHJF define impulsi&ity as Rerratic and poorly controlled beha&iorR Ep. 8:CF. Teachers
who refer to a student as being impulsi&e usually con2ure up images of students who rarely stop to think
before they act, who attempt tasks before they fully understand the directions, who often demonstrate
remorse when their actions ha&e led to errors or mishaps, who call out fre,uently in class Eusually with the
wrong answerF, and who ha&e difficulty organi1ing their materials.
3auffman E8AHAF notes that impulsi&e beha&ior is normal in young students, but that as students grow older,
most learn alternati&e responses. ?lson and colleagues E?lson, Bates, W Bayles, 8AACF point out that :"
year"old students will begin to Rinhibit prohibited actions owing to remembered informationR Ep. ;8HF, but
state that Rself"regulation does not de&elop until the ;rd or <th year of lifeR Ep. ;8HF.
/tudents who manifest impulsi&e beha&ior often get into trouble in social situations such as games and play
acti&ities E5elloy, 8AACF. Because they demonstrate poor impulse control, these students are apt to take
their turn before its time, or to respond incorrectly to game stimuli Ee.g., ,uestionsF. /ome students who
ha&e poor impulse control may respond to teasing, for e0ample, by hitting the person who teases them,
They are often sorry for their actions and can discuss what they should ha&e done had they taken time to
think about their action. Knfortunately, impulsi&ity places students at higher risk for smoking E3ollins,
5cClernon, W Fuemmeler, :CC=F, illegal drug use E/emple, .ians, @rant, W atterson, :CC=F, eating
disorders Eeake, Dimbert, W (hitehead, :CC=F, and suicide E/wann, !ougherty, a11aglia, ham,
/teinberg, W 5oeller, :CC=F.
!'Acremont and >an der Dinden E:CC=F identify four dimensions of impulsi&ity'
-r!ency' /tudent is in a hurry.
*ac) of premeditation" /tudent acts before he thinks or plans.
*ac) of perseverance" /tudent gi&es up on a task.
.ensation see)in!" /tudent seeking fun without thinking of conse,uences.
They also found that among impulsi&e children, boys had higher scores for sensation seeking and girls for
urgency. Assessment of impulsi&ity usually in&ol&es the use of beha&ioral checklists, beha&ior ratings,
ma1es, match"to"sample tasks, and beha&ioral obser&ations E?lson et al., 8AACL /hafrir W ascual"Deone,
8AACL >itiello, /toft Atkins, W 5ahoney, 8AACF.
(ommon (auses and Antecedents of lmpulsive "ehavior
ultiple Factors
As is the case for so many attention and acti&ity beha&iors, no one actually knows what causes impulsi&ity
ECampbell W (erry, 8AHJL 3auffman, :CC=F. #mpulsi&ity is most likely related to the same multiple factors
discussed in the prior sections on attenti&eness and hyperacti&ity, including childhood temperament, family
en&ironment, gender, and parental characteristics EDe&e, 3im, W ears, :CC=F.
Failure to .elf:onitor
/hafrir and ascual"Deone E8AACF conducted a study with ;GH students between A and 8: years of age to
determine the effect of attention to errors on academic tasks and the relationship to reflecti&eSimpulsi&e
beha&ior. /hafrir and ascual"Deone administered a number of measures, including ma1es and match"to"
sample tasks, to determine response beha&ior, and tests of academic achie&ement to e&aluate arithmetic
abilities. They report that students who completed tasks ,uickly and accurately tended to take time to check
their answers. #f an error occurred, they took time to correct the error and used the information learned in
correction of the error to assist them in completing the rest of the task. This resulted in fewer errors o&erall
and completion of the task in a more timely fashion. They call these students post failure reflective Ep,;H=F.
#n comparison, students who are referred to as post failure impulsive E/hafrir W ascual"Deone, 8AAC, p.
;H=F were found to complete tasks slowly and inaccurately. These students plodded through the task without
checking answers for correctness.
They simply went on to the ne0t problem with no reference to pre&iously completed tasks. /hafrir and
ascual"Deone conclude that the lack of post failure reflection by this group led to more errors because they
did not learn from their pre&ious errors. The implications of the results of this study are that students
possess some type of RreflectionSimpulsi&ity cogniti&e styleR Ep. ;HJF, which was first proposed by 3agan
Esee 3agan, earson, W (elch, 8AJJF. Also, students who appear to be taking their time Eslow thinkersF in
actuality make more errors than the students who complete the tasks ,uickly Ereflecti&e thinkersF.
#arent:(hild 2nteractions
?lson and his colleagues E8AACF attempted to assess parent"child interactions through beha&ioral
obser&ation to determine if parental interaction style was a predictor of impulsi&e beha&ior. According to
?lson et al., the purpose of their study was to Ridentify the relati&e contributions of different parent"student
interaction antecedents to students' later self"regulatory abilitiesR Ep. ;:CF. This longitudinal study in&ol&ed
GA mother"child dyads. Their findings indicate that Rresponsi&e, sensiti&e, and cogniti&ely enriching mother"
child interactions are important precursors of childhood impulse controlR Ep. ;;:F. Children, especially boys,
were more likely to de&elop impulsi&ity if their mothers manifested puniti&e and inconsistent beha&ior
management styles.
2nterventions for 2mpulsive "ehavior
Teach $aitin! and .elf:(ontrol .)ills
#mpulsi&ity may be decreased by teaching students appropriate waiting beha&iors, and by a reinforcement
plan for appropriate responding beha&ior. For e0ample, after an assignment has been gi&en, a teacher may
teach a student to place her hands on her desk, establish eye contact with the teacher, and listen for
directions. The teacher should praise the student for demonstrating these waiting beha&iors.
/tudents who manifest impulsi&e beha&ior will benefit from training in social skills such as self"control. At the
same time, students may be taught rela0ation techni,ues. 6einforcement will increase the possibility that a
student will demonstrate beha&iors that are alternati&es to impulsi&ity. The student 2ust described learned
social skills through direct instruction and reinforcement for use of the skills to replace impulsi&e beha&ior.
/chaub E8AACF also found that targeting beha&iors for inter&ention that were positi&e and incompatible with
undesirable beha&iors was effecti&e with students who demonstrated impulsi&e beha&ior. Bornas, /er&era,
and Dlabres E8AAGF suggest that teachers use computer software to assist students in pre&enting impulsi&ity.
The authors describe se&eral software products that are effecti&e in pre&enting impulsi&ity through
instruction in problem sol&ing and self"regulation
>ive .maller and .horter Tas)s ?ne at a Time
A student who hurries through an assignment without stopping to read the directions or to check for errors
could be gi&en smaller amounts of a task to accomplish at one time, rather than the whole task at once. This
would gi&e the student a smaller chunk of the problem to deal with and more opportunities for reinforcement
since the student would be more likely to sol&e the problem correctly.
/ometimes, a student considered impulsi&e can handle sol&ing only one problem at a time. #n this case, the
student should be allowed to sol&e the problem and recei&e feedback immediately. As the student becomes
more confident and is able to pace him" or herself more efficiently, then he or she may be able to handle
larger and larger portions of pro2ects and assignments.
(hen *our Child #s Aggressi&e or /cared
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By atty (ipfler
4and in 4and
Kpdated on 5ar 8G, :C88
7. 2 read your article on "itin!4 #ushin! and #ullin! 'air4 and 2 had a ,uestion. y dau!hter is
9Nmths old and is very a!!ressive at daycare. .he pinches at home once in awhile4 /ut normally is
well /ehaved. $hat can 2 do for her at home8
@ood ,uestion7 4ere+s what # think you can try.
Any child who hits or hurts other children does this because she+s sitting on top feelings of fear. 4idden fears
tighten a child, so that she has little fle0ibility around others' sharing may be hard, following what others ask
her to do might be hard, noticing what other children want to do is hard. 4er mind is spending lots of energy
trying to keep one step ahead of some underlying sense of insecurity. /he may keep herself $busy% with toys
or with physical acti&ity, but when she gets close to another child, she can+t help but show that not all is well
on the inside. /he doesn+t feel connected.
Toddlers rarely get to show all the feelings they ha&e about separating from their 5ommies and !addies in
the morning to go to day care, and # would &enture to guess that the fear that dri&es her aggression is
connected somehow to being there without you. #t+s fine for children to be cared for by other generous,
lo&ing adults, and great for them to ha&e the opportunity to build relationships with other children. But to
make best use of those opportunities, they need someone to listen to their feelings about being there without
you. The day care workers aren+t usually set up to do the e0tended listening it takes to help a child release
her fears. But you can do it7
First, set up /pecial TimeOa time when you+ll warmly, attenti&ely do whate&er she wants to do, all the while
staying close to her so she can feel your appro&alObefore you head off to day care. This will mean that you
need to start your morning routine earlier7 *ou want her to go to day care feeling as connected to you as
possible. /pending se&eral /pecial Times on a weekend, and again on 5onday morning, for instance, will
gi&e her more of the safety she needs to show you the feelings she+s trying so hard to manage. /tay
connected as you transport her to day care, use lots of eye contact, snuggle games, and such. Then, play
with her there for fi&e or ten minutes.
(hen you say goodbye, watch for signs that her feelings are rising. @o &ery slowly. *ou want to gi&e her a
chance to be upset that you+re lea&ing her. (e+&e found that if an aggressi&e child can ha&e a really good
cry about 5ommy or !addy lea&ing, that child is far less likely to be hard on other children during the day.
/omeone has listened to how they feel inside, they ha&e felt that caring, and their little bundle of fears and
sadness is smaller than it was.
(hen she begins to cry because you are going, stop and get down with her, but don+t let her bury her head
or her body in your arms so that the feelings go away. Det her get close, but gently pull her a few inches from
full"on clasp"and"grasp, and in&ite her to look at you. #t+s fine if she doesn+t manage to make eye contact, but
keep offering. 3eep your ga1e warm and a&ailable. #t helps her to keep feeling her fears and working them
through.
*ou can tell her that you+ll come back, and that you+ll always come back for her. *ou can tell her she+s safe
with her teachers. *ou can tell her you lo&e her. But don+t forget to listen, 2ust listen. /he needs you to
recei&e her passionate message' she+s saying some &ersion of, $# lo&e you and # don+t know if # can sur&i&e
without you here7% Disten well. 4old her. And when her feelings subside a little, you can ask her, $Are you
ready to say good bye9% #f not, she+ll cry or fight again.
5ost likely the first time you do this, she will cry hard, and probably fight hard too, for a good long time.
That+s what it takes to offload fear. /he may or may not be able to finish her upset before you ha&e to go' it+s
a good idea to plan on an hour of listening the first time you do this. And it+s also wise to let the childcare
staff know what you+ll be doing, and why, and to take her out to the doorstep of the center for the e0tended
fireworks, so that her friends inside don+t get too ruffled.
(hen she+s finished, and says you can go, or when you ha&e to finally get to work, say goodbye and put her
in the arms of a caregi&er. ick the warmest person there. /he needs warmth. /he needs connection.
*ou may also notice times at home when she glues herself to you, and doesn+t want to be with anyone else.
*ou can do the same kind of goodbye at home, allowing her to cry hard about your desire to walk into the
kitchen or to take a shower. A friend, your partner, or a sitter can open their arms to her, and you can keep
pointing her in the direction of staying with them while she cries. 3eep reminding her that you+re on your way
to go to wash the dishes or shower, and that you+ll come back to her. /he+ll cry as long as she needs to.
This process allows her mind to do what it was designed to do' to get rid of fear and grief, so life is easier
and other people don+t look like a threat.
!epending on her early e0perience and the depth of worries she carries, it might take her anywhere from a
week to se&eral months of regular cries to finish offloading the feelings behind her aggression. )o one can
predict how much listening time you+ll need to in&est. (hat we can tell you is that listening to your daughter
will help her immensely, and that ha&ing a chance to cry things through will change her beha&ior at school. #f
a caregi&er can come and spend a few moments in&iting her in to play Ebut not insistingOsimply offering
warm connectionF, this will help her to connect with the caregi&ers there and ease her fears more ,uickly.
/he will re2ect that person while she+s crying, but will gra&itate to whoe&er did listen and connect later on
during the day.
!on+t worry if it looks like she has $regressed% after her first big cry. /he will likely go from being aggressi&e
to showing that she+s sad and afraid. #t+s progress to get those feelings out into the open, rather than held
tightly inside, where they cause trouble with other children.
Toddlers usually pinch or bite at home with their parents when they feel close and safe, such as during a
good snuggle, or a playful, cuddly wrestle. *ou can hold the hand that pinched, and say lightly, $)a, )a,
)aaaaa,% then nu11le her, offering more warmth but a limit. 4old her hand so she can+t pinch, but continue to
nu11le and be affectionate. /he needs the warmth of connection with you in order to offload her fears. #f she
wants to work on her fears at that time, she+ll either laugh and want to play a game with you, pretending to
try to pinch, so you can stop her warmly, or she will become agitated and try to get away. 3eep her close,
offer eye contact, and tell her you want to stay with her. The fears will rise, and make her feisty, wiggly, and
determined to get away. /tay close, keep her from hurting you, and let her cry and fight.
(hen children release fear, they may kick, thrash, arch their backs, shut their eyes tight, scream, and feel
like they+re not going to sur&i&e for another minute in your arms. They may perspire or tremble, or both. That
feelingOworry about sur&i&alOis being healed as you allow her to fight hard in your arms. !on+t fight back.
Qust tell your daughter that she is safe with you. *ou are watching o&er her. *ou won+t let anything harmful
happen to her. As she cries and feels panicky and desperate, she+s creating room for future rela0ation and
connection. The fears release. The connection you offer flows in. )ot until she+s done and rela0ed will you
see that she absorbed the connection you offered. #t+s a transformation that is ,uite ama1ing to see. *ou
might want to get a set of our booklets, 8istening to Children, so you ha&e a fuller set of information to help
you partner with your daughter to ease her fears. 4ere+s a link to a story of one child whose biting at day
care ceased, thanks to good thinking from the caregi&ers and the parent'
Det us know what happens7
*ours,
atty (ipfler
Family Factors and arenting /tyle
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By B. 3aiserYQ./. 6asminsky
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
Because parents play so &ital a role in their children's de&elopment, they are an easy target whene&er
challenging beha&ior appears on the scene. arenting is difficult and complicated work that re,uires a &ast
amount of time and energyOwhich are in short supply in many families. #t is important for teachers to
understand the parents' role in challenging beha&ior, but it is e,ually important not to blame them. #t is far
better to become their partners.
Any life circumstance that hinders a parent's well"being can put children at risk, including'
A mother who had her first child when she was &ery young E4aapasalo and Tremblay, 8AA<F
arents with little education ECoie and !odge, 8AAHF
A parent with mental illness, especially a mother who's depressed E/honkoff and hillips, :CCCF
A parent who is abusing alcohol or drugs EFarrington, 8AA8F
A parent with antisocial or criminal beha&ior EFarrington, 8AA8L Frick et al., 8AA8F
Four or more children in the family EFarrington, 8AA8L 6aine, 8AA;F
#ndirectly, all these factors influence the parent"child relationship, the first line of defense against later
aggressi&e beha&ior. According to attachment theory, first described by Qohn Bowlby E8AJAS8AH:F and 5ary
Ainsworth EAinsworth, Blehar, (aaters, and (all, 8AGHF, a secure attachment to a sensiti&e and responsi&e
primary caregi&er pro&ides the foundation for a child's emotional de&elopment, enabling her to learn to
regulate and e0press her feelings, cope with stress, and see herself as an effecti&e and lo&able person. But
when the primary caregi&er is una&ailable, unpredictable, insensiti&e, or re2ecting, the child forms
an insecure attachmentL and she doesn't trust adults to care for her or help her organi1e her world, has
difficulty regulating her emotions, and feels ineffectual and unworthy of lo&e. Because the parent"child
relationship acts as a prototype for the child's future relationships EBowlby, 8AJAS8AH:F, children with an
insecure attachment ha&e trouble getting along with their peers and teachers at school, and their beha&ior is
often challenging and aggressi&e E@reenberg, /pelt1, and !e3lyen, 8AA;L 6enken, Egeland, 5ar&inney,
5angelsdorf, and /roufe, 8AHAF.
#nappropriate parenting practices continue to increase the risk of challenging beha&ior as children grow
older. (hen parents aren't in&ol&ed with their children, don't respond warmly to them, don't super&ise them
properly, and use harsh and inconsistent discipline, the children may react with defiant, aggressi&e,
impulsi&e beha&iors ECoie, 8AAJL Eron, 4uesmann, and .elli, 8AA8L 4aapasalo and Tremblay, 8AA<L 6aine,
8AA;L /tatistics Canada, :CC=F.
@erald 6. atterson of the ?regon /ocial Dearning Center has documented a cycle of interaction between
parent and child that he calls Rcoerci&eR E8AH:, 8AA=F. #t can begin with a relati&ely tri&ial demand, such as a
parent asking a child to do, or not do, something. The child ignores the re,uest or refuses to comply. Then
the parent responds more aggressi&ely, scolding, nagging, or pleadingL the child again refuses, whining, or
talking back. The e0changes escalate to yelling and threats, hitting and temper tantrums, until the parent
finally gi&es up and gi&es inOor e0plodes into &iolenceOand then the child stops, too.
(hen the parents gi&e in, which is most of the time, they are rewarding their child's negati&e beha&ior and
increasing the chances she'll beha&e the same way again. At the same time, the child is reinforcing the
parents by ceasing her own negati&e beha&ior ECoie and !odge, 8AAHF.
(hen the parents e0plode, they are modeling the use of aggression as a way to sol&e problems. The child
may do as they ask, but she is more likely to feel hostile toward them and to become aggressi&e with both
parents and peers in the future, especially if they don't ha&e a warm relationship ECoie and !odge, 8AAHF.
Each time the parents use this method it will be less effecti&e, and they will probably use greater force,
which may e&entually lead to abuse EAmerican Academy of ediatrics, 8AAHF.
(hether they gi&e in or resort to &iolence, the parents become demorali1ed. To a&oid unpleasantness, they
interact with their child less and less, missing opportunities to help her gain the emotional, social, and
cogniti&e skills she needs to make friends and succeed at school. They don't keep close track of her
acti&ities and whereabouts in elementary schoolL and as she mo&es on to middle school, they often don't
know her friends, set or enforce a curfew, or pay attention to her academic performance. This abdication of
&ital parental functions may dri&e the child toward more de&iant peers E!odge and ettit, :CC;L Tolan,
@orman"/mith, and 4enry, :CC;F.
Children who li&e in families where this coerci&e cycle is the norm arri&e in school with well"polished
antisocial beha&ior. Because they challenge the teacher and don't follow instructions, it's difficult for them to
establish good relationships and learn basic skills, such as reading EBiglan, Brennan, Foster, and 4older,
:CC<F.
#t is important to remember, howe&er, that parent"child interaction is a two"way street. The child's
temperament strongly influences the way the people in her life react to her, and each parent responds
according to his or her own temperament. #f the fit between them isn't a good one, poor parenting may be
the result.
4elping Children 5anage their Beha&ior
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By .F. 4earronY>. 4ildebrand
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
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This article focuses on children's actions. Children's challenging beha&iors can take many forms, from
aggression toward others to self"comforting habits such as thumbsucking that are probably more troubling to
adults than harmful to children. As you respond to each type of beha&ior, remember that the goal is not
merely to eliminate a troublesome beha&ior, but to help children manage their own actions in the long run.
A!!ression
Aggression is a negati&e beha&ior that you will undoubtedly ha&e to deal with at some point in your work
with young children. By aggression, we mean the use of force to e0press feelings or to obtain what one
wants without regard for the rights of others. There is a distinction between aggression, which is destructi&e,
and asserti&e beha&ior or standing up for one's rights, which is healthy and constructi&e.
As always, your first step in dealing with beha&ior that you belie&e to be aggressi&e is to obser&e carefully.
)ot e&ery act that results in tears or an in2ury to another is aggressi&e. #nfants occasionally hurt others by
pushing too hard or striking another with a hard toy held in a wobbly, uncertain grasp. Toddlers, new to
walking upright, might trod on the fingers or toes of their creeping peers. And four" or fi&e"year"old children
often knock each other down because they are too absorbed in their play to notice someone coming across
their path.
All of these are accidents, and your 2ob is to use indirect guidance techni,ues to help pre&ent them. 5ake
sure that all toys you pro&ide for infants are soft and that there is enough room for children to mo&e freely
without hurting each other. (hen the ine&itable accidents do occur, tend to the in2ured child while calmly
telling the other that, $#t hurts when you step on Cameron's toes.% E&en &ery young children can feel
empathy and will probably be concerned that a child is crying, although the connection between their actions
and those tears is not yet clear to them. Asking the $guilty% party to help, perhaps by bringing you a tissue,
may help restore positi&e feelings on both sides. Apologies seldom help, and demanding that children say
they are sorry may merely teach them to be insincere.
#n some forms of aggression, children hurt each other or damage property because they don't know another
way to get what they want. ?r they are so full of pent"up feelings that they lash out at whate&er is closest to
them. /ome toddlers might e&en bite out of simple curiosity. (hile these actions are intentional, they are not
done out of malice, so blame and punishment are inappropriate. Certainly you would ne&er try to teach the
child a lesson by showing him what it feels like to be bitten or hit7
*our first 2ob is to stop the hurtful action, gently restraining the child if necessary, and perhaps remo&ing him
or her to a ,uiet place away from the group. /ay $# can't let you kick Qosh. #t hurts him. And # won't let
anyone kick you, either.% #f the child is old enough to talk, you can wait until he or she calms down a little,
and then find out what precipitated the action so you can begin to teach alternati&e ways of getting what one
wants or e0pressing strong feelings.
As with most troublesome beha&iors, your energy will be better spent pre&enting these types of actions than
in dealing with them after they occur. Too many children in a room with too few toys and too few alert adults
is a sure"fire recipe for lots of biting, hitting, and kicking as children are forced to rely on their own de&ices
for meeting their needs. The pressure of an inappropriate curriculum or schedule can create tension that is
likely to erupt in &iolence. Are the acti&ities so difficult that they frustrate children or so simple that they lea&e
the children bored and unchallenged9 Are children tired or hungry, which suggests a change in scheduled
meals and nap times9 Attention to these factors will probably reduce the o&erall number of situations that
re,uire your inter&ention.
!irect guidance techni,ues pro&ide additional pre&enti&e tactics. Teach the problem"sol&ing techni,ues
discussed in Chapter so that children de&elop the skills they need to resol&e conflicts before they erupt into
&iolence. 6eal"life issues, like how to make sure e&eryone has a fair chance at riding the tricycles, are potent
topics for li&ely group discussion at circle time. !uring children's play, mo&e close to them and show interest
in what they are doing before their encounters escalate into &iolence. /ometimes 2ust your reassuring
presence helps children focus on constructi&e play and keep their disagreements in check. Act as a coach,
pro&iding cues for more appropriate ways that children can get what they want' $Tell 5egan that you'd like a
turn with the tricycle,% or $Tell Todd that you are using those blocks now.% Act as an interpreter for children
who are unable or unwilling to e0press themsel&es &erbally' $#t looks like Qerome doesn't like it when you
bump your truck into his,% or $# think Dakeisha feels crowded when you sit so close to her.% A child who
continues to hit or lash out at others can be temporarily remo&ed from a chosen play area as a logical
conse,uence of the unacceptable beha&ior.
The final, and perhaps most troubling, form of aggression is hostile aggression, in which a child deri&es
satisfaction from hurting another or doing damage. !ealing with this form of aggression will take all your
skills as a sensiti&e obser&er, trying to discern the reasons behind the child's actions. *ou can deal with the
indi&idual acts of aggression using the techni,ues described abo&e, but you would also be wise to seek the
assistance of a professional counselor or psychologist as well, for children who take pleasure in inflicting
harm are probably in some sort of psychological pain themsel&es.
erhaps they ha&e witnessed some form of &iolence in their home or community. erhaps they ha&e been a
&ictim of abuse. erhaps they ha&e a disability that somehow makes them unable to feel empathy. ?r
perhaps they ha&e too many stressors in their li&es at this point in time. *our 2ob is not to diagnose or assign
blame, but rather to obser&e carefully and respond compassionately. Consultation with parents and other
professionals will help you de&ise a plan to cope with these challenging situations. Appointing one teacher to
take primary responsibility for working with the child may help to maintain consistent rules and
conse,uences.
.olvin! a #ushin! #ro/lem
Two teachers of a group of three"year"olds went to their program director for ad&ice. Three"year"old Qerry
was pushing children backward with both hands, then laughing as they lost their balance, fell, and cried. The
teachers said they had tried a number of their usual techni,ues, such as temporarily isolating Qerry, talking
to him, and staying near him. /till, when they were away from him he fre,uently turned to the nearest child
and pushed the child backward ,uickly without apparent pro&ocation. 4is derisi&e laughter following the
e&ent especially bothered the teachers.
The director went to the classroom to obser&e. /he then called the parents to arrange a conference. The
morning of the conference, the father brought Qerry to the classroom. 4e was shocked when he, too, saw
Qerry go to a circle of children and push o&er a child. 4e told the director how much he disappro&ed of the
beha&ior he had 2ust witnessed.
The director and Qerry's father talked for a time, attempting to understand Qerry's beha&ior. The director
listened for a clue as to where the child might ha&e learned the beha&ior. Finally it became clear. The family
li&ed on a college campus where the parents were the houseparents for a group of college students. The
college students fre,uently played with Qerry. They taught him to push them and then they would fall back
and laugh. #t was a game that they all en2oyed. ?f course, Qerry was &ery confused. A beha&ior that was
highly rewarded in one setting was getting him into trouble in another setting, but he was still too young for a
talk about proper beha&ior to be an effecti&e method of dealing with the problem.
The conscientious parents immediately instructed the college students to stop their pushing game. They
were encouraged to play with a foam ball and de&elop &arious games around helping Qerry gain more motor
skill. At the early childhood center Qerry was helped through close adult super&ision to interact more gently
with his peers at school. Dittle by little he ,uit pushing children and became more accepted by them.
(ith this e0ample you can see how easy it might ha&e been for adults to respond in ways that would not
ha&e gotten at the root of Qerry's problem. Conferring with the parents helped both to clarify the problem and
to sol&e it. Fortunately, the director had a strong policy of conferring with parents.
Aggression' (hy it 4appens and (hat to do About it
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By Bonnie 5onte
Babycenter
Kpdated on !ec 8J, :CCH

There you are, watching your little angel through the window at preschool, thinking how blessed you are to
ha&e her. All of a sudden, she draws back her little hand O and whacks another child s,uarely on the nose.
/hocking as it may be to you Eand to the other parents who witness itF, aggression is a normal part of a
preschooler's de&elopment. #ndeed, lots of children this age grab toys from classmates, hit, kick, or scream
themsel&es blue in the face from time to time. /ometimes the cause is a simple case of fear' *our child
might lash out if she feels cornered by another youngster, for instance. ?ther triggers ha&e less to do with
instinct and more to do with circumstances. After all, your preschooler's learning a host of new skills, from
using scissors to speaking in comple0 sentences. /he can easily become frustrated with e&erything she's
trying to accomplish and end up pouncing on a playmate. #f she's attending daycare or preschool for the first
time, she's also getting used to being away from home. #f she feels resentful or neglected on top of
e&erything else, she might 2ust retaliate by sho&ing the kid who won't get out of her face. And sometimes,
your youngster is simply tired and hungry. /he doesn't ,uite know what to do about it, so she responds by
biting, hitting, or throwing a tantrum.
The good news is, your preschooler will e&entually outgrow her aggressi&e beha&ior as she disco&ers how
to use words instead of fists and feet to sol&e her problems. The key is helping her reali1e O sooner rather
than later O that she'll get better results from talking out a dispute than she will from yanking a friend's hair.
$hat you can do a/out a!!ression
Respond ,uic)ly. Try to respond immediately when you see your preschooler getting aggressi&e. #t's
tempting to wait until she's hit her brother for the third time before saying, RThat's enough7R Eespecially when
you'&e already reprimanded her a do1en times in the last hourF. E&en so, it's best to let her know instantly
when she's done something wrong. 6emo&e her from the situation for a brief time"out O for a preschooler,
three or four minutes is plenty. The idea is for her to connect her beha&ior with the conse,uence and figure
out that if she hits or bites, she'll miss out on the fun. )o matter how angry you are with her, try not to yell,
hit, or tell your preschooler she's bad. 6ather than getting her to change her beha&ior, this simply teaches
her that &erbal and physical aggression are the way to go when she's mad. #nstead, set a good e0ample by
controlling your temper and calmly pulling her out of the action.
.tic) to the plan. As much as possible, respond to aggressi&e acts the same way e&ery time. The more
predictable you are ER?kay, you sho&ed Tina again O that means another time"outRF, the sooner you'll set up
a pattern that your preschooler comes to recogni1e and e0pect. E&entually it'll sink in that if she misbeha&es,
she gets booted out of the fun O the first step in controlling her own beha&ior. E&en if she does something to
mortify you in public, stick to the game plan. 5ost parents understand your situation O after all, we'&e all
been there before. #f people stare, toss off a wry comment like R!on't you 2ust lo&e this age9R and then
handle the episode the way you see fit.
Tal) it out. Det your preschooler cool down, then calmly discuss what happened. The best time to do this is
after she's settled down but before she forgets the whole thing O ideally, ;C minutes to an hour later. Ask if
she can e0plain what triggered her outburst ERQenny, why do you think you got so mad at Tina9RF. E0plain
that it's perfectly natural to get angry sometimes, but it's not okay to sho&e, hit, kick, or bite. /uggest better
ways of showing how mad she is' by kicking a ball, pounding her fist into apillow, finding an adult to mediate
the dispute, or simply &oicing her feelings' RTina, # feel really mad because you took the purple crayon.R
)ow is also a good time to teach her to walk away from infuriating situations and people until she can think
of a better way to respond than letting her fists fly. *ou can help your youngster deal with her anger by
reading books together on the topic. Try 5r. 6ogers's 8et#s 2al& A$out 5eeling Angry, Aliki's 5eelings, or
Qane 5artin's 'ow %very$ody Really Hates Me.
Reinforce responsi/ility. #f your preschooler's aggression damages someone's property or makes a mess,
she should help make it right again. /he can glue a broken toy back together, for instance, or clean up the
crackers or blocks she hurled in anger. !on't frame this action as a punishment, but rather the natural
conse,uence of a belligerent act O something that anyone would need to do if he or she broke something.
Also make sure your preschooler understands that she needs to say R#'m sorryR when she o&ersteps her
bounds O e&en if you ha&e to lead her by the hand to the offended party and say it forher. 4er apologies
might seem insincere at first, but the lesson will e&entually sink in.
Reward !ood /ehavior. 6ather than paying attention to your preschooler only when she misbeha&es, try to
catch her being good O when she asks for a turn at the computer game instead of snatching the mouse
away, for instance, or gi&es up her swingto another child who's been waiting. Tell her how proud of her you
are. /how her that self"control and conflict resolution are more satisfying O and get better results O than
sho&ing other kids into the ne0t century. 3eep a special calendar on the refrigerator or on her bedroom
bulletin board, and reward her with a colorful sticker when she manages to keep her temper in check.
*imit TB time. #nnocent"looking cartoons and other so"called children's shows are often rife with shouting,
threats, sho&ing, and hitting. /o try to monitor the programs your preschooler sees by watching them with
her O particularly if she's prone to aggression. #f something happens on a show that you don't appro&e of,
talk to her about it' R!id you see how that girl pushed her friend to get what she wanted9 That wasn't a &ery
good thing to do, was it9R EThe American Academy of ediatrics recommends that kids this age see no more
than an hour or two of R,ualityR tele&ision a day O yet another reason to skip that show in the future.F
Don't /e afraid to see) help. /ome kids ha&e more trouble with aggression than others do. #f your
preschooler's beha&ior is fre,uent and se&ere, interferes with school or other organi1ed acti&ities, and
results in physical attacks on children or adults, consult her pediatrician. Together you can try to get to the
root of the problem and decide if a child psychologist or psychiatrist is needed. /ometimes an undiagnosed
learning or beha&ior disorder is behind the frustration and angerL sometimes the problem is related to family
or emotional difficulties. (hate&er its source, a counselor can help your youngster work through the
emotions that tend to lead to aggression, and learn to control them in the future. 5ore than likely,
professional help won't be necessary O but if your preschooler does need some counseling, it'll be a relief
to know that you don't ha&e to deal with the problem on your own.
(hat To !o #f *our Child 6uns Away From 4ome
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)ational 6unaway /witchboard
Kpdated on !ec 8J, :CCH
6eali1ing that your child has run away from home is filled with emotion. Anger that she would do such a
thingL fear for her safetyL shame that others may think that you are not a $good% parent. (hile some children
run across city or state lines, statistics indicate that most children stay in the same general area that they
li&e in. /ome go only as far as a friend or relati&e. (here&er your child has gone, there are certain steps that
are necessary not only for a safe return, but to protect both her rights and yours.
Notify the police and file a missin! persons report. 3eep records of all details of the in&estigation and
stay in touch with authorities while your child is missing. Call the )ational 6unaway /witchboard at 8"HCC"
6KA(A*. )6/ operates a :<"hour confidential hotline for teens and their families. /er&ices include crisis
inter&ention, information, referrals, and the 4ome Free program in partnership with @reyhound Dines, #nc.
/pecially trained &olunteers at the hotline will help you process the situation and gi&e you support.
*eave a messa!e with the NR. for your child. /pread the word among your friends and your child+s
friends that you ha&e done this and to encourage himSher to call. *our child can also lea&e messages for
you.
Tell others that your teen is missin!. Det them know that you are concerned and ask for their help and
support. osters can help if your teen is still in the area or contact the news desk of your local tele&ision
station or newspaper.
(hec) any records that may !ive clues a/out your child+s wherea/outs. Dook at phone bills, e"mail
acti&ity, pager records, credit card acti&ity, bus or airline dockets, bank statements, and employment records.
Bisit your child+s school. Talk to the administration, security, teachers, or counselor for any information that
might be useful.
2nstall (aller 2D or other tracing methods, if a&ailable in your area.
(ontact hotlines for parents of missin! children. #f you think your child was abducted or you need
assistance in distributing posters nationwide. )6/ can pro&ide you with national and local referrals.
Ta)e care of yourself and your other children. This is a difficult time and you don+t ha&e to deal with it
alone. Turn to people you know and trust for support. )6/ is a&ailable :< hours e&ery day for you.
/trategies for !ealing (ith Childhood Fears
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By D.D. !unlap
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
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Children ha&e many common childhood fears that are not of ma2or concern. /trong and consistent fears,
though, results in children being unable to function E(achs W @ruen, 8AH:F. For e0ample, a child who is
e0tremely afraid of dogs might refuse to lea&e the house. E0treme fears lead children to e0hibit ner&ous
mannerisms such as stuttering, biting their nails, and sucking their thumbs. !eep"rooted fears may lead to
shyness and withdrawal or une0pected acts of aggression EBlechman, 8AH=F. Kne0pected acts of
aggression can also result from reactions to fears, such as turning a child into a bully because the child was
afraid of a bully.
5ost fears come from e0periences children cannot understand that seem threatening or from seeing
someone else respond fearfully. Children who lack confidence, are clumsy, or ha&e de&elopmental delays
are also likely to ha&e a greater number of fears. #n addition, lack of communication skills pre&ents children
from asking ,uestions or understanding e0planations and contribute to fears. Children with motor delays
more fre,uently fall, bump into things, or ha&e things hit them. These e0periences can contribute to their
fears E5iller, 8AHCF.
Children also ac,uire fears modeled by other people EBecker, 8AACF. For e0ample, if a child's father is afraid
of heights the child may de&elop such a fear. Children find it comforting, though, to learn that adults are
sometimes afraid and that they learned to o&ercome their fears. The sub2ect matter of tele&ision shows and
books should be monitored because fears often de&elop after watching or hearing a scary story E/herburne,
et al., 8AHHF. Children ha&e a &ery &i&id imagination and sometimes belie&e things are real when they are
not. Talking with an adult often helps children separate fantasy from reality.
Family tension, including fighting, separation, di&orce, and drug abuse, often contributes to fears and
insecurities E/train, et al., 8AA:F. Also, o&eran0ious adults constantly warning children to be careful
contribute to fears. Appropriate le&els of fear, howe&er, are useful because they suggest the need to be
cautious and can help pre&ent children from being harmed. Children who are autistic fre,uently de&elop
intense and unfounded fears and often do notde&elop fears of real dangers, such as 2umping into a pool of
water or walking along a narrow ledge. /pecial precautions should be taken to help keep children safe who
do not de&elop appropriate fears.
Although each child is uni,ue, each age tends to brings on characteristic fears. The table below lists se&eral
common fears birth though fi&e years old. To help children o&ercome their fears, they should be encouraged
to try new things while adults are close by to pro&ide reassurance. #f children will e0perience something they
are likely to fear, such as going to the hospital, they should be gi&en as much information as possible about
what to e0pect. 6educing uncertainty often reduces fear. Children who ha&e fears should be encouraged to
deal with these fears gradually E3aplan, 8AA8F. For e0ample, a child who is afraid of the dark should
gradually be encouraged to sleep in the dark rather than shutting the door and making the room completely
dark all at once.
(ommon (hildhood Fears
A!e Fears
Birth to :
years
Personal- sudden dropping sensation
Auditory- loud noises
3isual- masks and costumes
: years
Personal- mother's departure, bedtime, going to school or
daycare
Auditory- trains, trucks, thunder, flushing toilet, &acuum cleaner,
wind
3isual- dark colors, large ob2ects, hats
!patial- mo&ing ob2ects to new locations, fear of going down the
drain
Animals- dogs and wild animals
; years Personal- burglars, mom and dad going out at night, death
3isual- older people, masks, monsters, darkness, animals,
people in uniform
< years Auditory- fire engines
= years
(eneral- much less fearful, more &isual than auditory fears
Personal- more fears about RbadR people, getting lost, mom not
coming home
!patial- falling
Animal- fewer fears of animals
E0tremely debilitating fears, called phobias, are intense irrational fears. Children rarely e0hibit phobic
beha&ior but those who do should be referred to a professional counselor E(estling W 3oorland, 8AA8F.
Children should not be ridiculed, scolded, or punished for any type of fear. They should be encouraged to
talk about them. 5aking children pretend they are not afraid, though, is likely to enhance fears E3aplan,
8AA8F.
#mpro&ing arent #n&ol&ement
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Teach /afe /chools
Kpdated on 5ar 8<, :C88
$?ne of the most important factors in creating a good school is always going to be parental in&ol&ement in its
life%
EK./. !epartment of Education, 8AA;, p.G.F
arent in&ol&ement includes a wide &ariety of parent beha&iors. 6esearch indicates that what parents do at
home with their children has more influence in their children+s academic performance, than how much
parents are in&ol&ed in their children+s school acti&ities. 5ost often those parents who are most
knowledgeable and engaged in their children+s school acti&ities are also most nurturant of their children+s
academic performance at home. (hen parents are in&ol&ed, students perform most successfully and ha&e
fewer learning problems.
$According to scientific analysis, when parents are more in&ol&ed, their children are ;CI more successful in
school%
Earent #nstitute B www.parent-institute.comF
(hen parents fail to become in&ol&ed, educators may ha&e the tendency to blame the parents, as being $too
busy, e0perience too may barriers to o&ercome to become in&ol&ed, too disinterested, ha&ing their own
problems.R
This section of the website is designed to pro&ide educators with suggestions of ways to proacti&ely engage
parents in the education of their children. Before $blaming% parents for non"in&ol&ement, it would be
worthwhile to determine how many of the following suggestions your school has tried. This list of
suggestions is designed to help educators &iew parents as resources and partners, rather than as obstacles.
The suggestions for impro&ing parent in&ol&ement fall into the following categories'
8. impro&ing the school+s climate so it is more in&iting to parentsL
:. impro&ing communication Eboth written and oralF with parentsL
;. taking proacti&e steps to in&ol&e parents E$reaching out%FL
<. pro&iding administrati&e support for parent in&ol&ement.
?nce again, if the principal of the school is not committed to impro&ing parent in&ol&ement and pro&iding
supports, then the amount of parent engagement would be limited. At the end of this section we ha&e also
included an e0ample of how parents can be proacti&e in contacting the principals in an effort to reduce
bullying.
9F 2mprovin! the .chool+s (limate
(hat happens when parents appear at your school9 arents are made to feel welcome. (elcoming office
staff is helpful and courteous to the parents. There are signs that welcome parents to the schoolL teachers
greet parents when they pass them in the hallL there is a parent reception area with written material,
newsletters and coffee.
rincipal and teachers &iew parents as $partners.% They con&ey interest and cooperati&e
collaboration when discussing the parent+s child. The importance of parent in&ol&ement and
commitment is highlighted.
/chool facilities are in&iting Eclean and neat school, bathrooms and cafeteriaF.
/chool ensures that the parents+ and students+ ethnic, social and cultural di&ersity are represented
and respected. )urture cultural di&ersity so all students and parents feel welcome.
/chool helps create a cohesi&eness among parents Ee.g., arent Teacher Association meetings or
&olunteer parent acti&ities such as in&iting parents to attend opening morning, student assemblies, work
as a group on impro&ing playground or with fund raising acti&itiesF.
CF 2mprovin! (ommunication with #arents 6 $ritten and ?ral $ritten (ommunication $ith
#arents
Kse multilingual messages to parents
At the beginning of the school year teachers send a letter home to each parent highlighting how
much they look forward to teaching their sonSdaughter, working with them as partners in education,
establishing an ongoing dialogue regarding their child+s progress, and e0tending an in&itation to contact
the teacher.
/ample letter adapted from (alker et al. :CC<
!ear arents'
Qust a ,uick note to welcome your child to my classroom. # am looking forward to the school year and getting
to know you and your child. Always feel free to get in touch with me by Elist telephone number, email
addressF and # will get back to you as soon as # can. ?ur working together will make this a successful school
year for your Eson, daughter B include nameF. ?&er the first few weeks of school we will be Epro&ide brief
summaryF.
# look forward to teaching Estudent+s nameF.
/incerely,
ro&ide parents with a arent+s 4andbook that includes school rules, policies, acti&ities, 5ission
/tatement, Code of Conduct, names of key personnel, telephone numbers and a classroom calendar.
ro&ide parents with ongoing Class )ewsletter about what students will be working on and why it is
important Ee.g., description of unit ob2ecti&es, types of problems and assignments, list of books to be
used, and ways parents can be of helpF. #ndicate that their daughterSson will be inter&iewing them about
&arious topics, learning strategies, and the like.
#ndicate that students will be bringing home a folder of their schoolwork labeled TA&3 '?3 H
"R2N> "A(&. There will be spaces for parents to initial and comment on their sonSdaughter+s work.
Ask parents to fill out a /ur&ey Puestionnaire about their child+s reading beha&ior Ee.g., list of books
read to student, a&erage amount of reading time, leisure reading habits, fa&orite books, authors, reading
strengths and weaknessesF.
/end parents occasional T3A('3R:>RA and in&ite them to send back a #AR3NT:>RA about
their child+s progress. #nclude >??D N3$. N?T3. of student+s progress and achie&ements.
Encourage parent to ask $what% and $how% ,uestions of $what% their sonSdaughter did and $how% did
heSshe go about doing the task. !iscuss the processes of learning and reinforce efforts.
/end home parent re,uests on how they can be of help as illustrated in the following parent memos'
3? 9 30ample
(4AT A6E)T/ CA) !? AB?KT BKDD*#)@
EThese suggestions ha&e benefited from the guidelines offered by 3. !orrell, ?ct. :CCJ
www.canadali&ing.com and from the 5assachusetts 5edical /ociety guidelines on bullying
www.massmed.org.F
9F Tal) a/out /ullyin! with your child.
4elp your child know what bullying looks like and feels like, and if heSshe or classmates are being mistreated
and bullied.
4elp your child understand that bullying in&ol&es more than physical aggression.
/ometimes bullying can be &erbal and social in the form of name calling, hurtful teasing, threats, humiliation,
gossiping or spreading rumors and damaging
friendships.
Det your child e0press himSherself. #f your child reports being bullied, then there
are a number of steps for you to take.
These include'
8. /tay calm and show concern, but do not show too much emotion. #f you
o&errespond your child may close down and not talk about it anymore.
:. Thank your child for sharing this information. Tell himSher that what heSshe
told you bothers you and label it as Rbullying.R Tell your child that this
beha&ior is unacceptable.
For e0ample'
R/omeone is bullying you and this concerns me. *ou are important and you ha&e a right to feel safe, so we
need to do something about this.R
CF As) your child for hisHher input on what steps can /e ta)en to ma)e himHher feel safe. Collaborate
with your child in finding solutions. 6eassure your child that the situation can be handled discreetly and
safely. Boost your child's sense of empowerment and control.
DF #arents should tal) to the school. Approach your school with fi&e goals in mind'
8. Establish a partnership with school personnel in stopping the bullying.
:. Encourage your child to come with you and describe what heSshe e0perienced. After your child
describes the bullying situation, you should repeat the facts. E0press yourself calmly and then ask
how you, the school personnel, and your child can work together to ensure that the bullying doesn't
happen again.
;. /tart with your child's teacher and don't assume she is aware of the situation.
<. !on't demand or e0pect a solution on the spot. #ndicate that you would like to follow"up to determine
the best course of action. 4a&e your child watch you calmly and respectfully problem"sol&e with the
school personnel.
=. @et e&eryone on board. 6esearch shows that the most effecti&e method of dealing with bullying is to
ha&e the whole school in&ol&ed. Approach the principal and e0plore what the school is doing about
bullying. E/ee parent letter belowF. 6e&iew school policies and procedures with your child.
;F Document /ullyin!. 3eep a 2ournal of all bullying incidents. *ou and your child should write down what
happened, where and when it occurred, how your child reacted, how the bully and bystanders responded.
#ndicate what solutions were agreed upon and if they worked.
GF 'elp your child develop strate!ies and s)ills in handlin! /ullyin!. 4elp himSher chose a &ariety of
strategies from being asserti&e, to a&oiding, to asking for help, to reporting bullying of other students.
arents can act as models for their children and inter&ene when they see bullying occurring. /ome &ictims of
bullying may need assistance in learning these coping skills. Children who are being bullied may ha&e to
practice skills as ways to look the bully in the eye, stand tall, use a firm &oice, and stay calmL ways to use
humorL ways to ask for helpL learn ways to become friendlier with other children, participate in group
acti&itiesL learn constructi&e ways to interact and achie&e their goals. 4elp your child appreciate that
reporting bullying to a trusted adult is not tattling or snitching. #t takes courage. /uggest that heSshe go with
a friend to the teacher or principal to make it easier.
=F 2f you are informed that your child is /ullyin! others4 then you should5
8. Be ob2ecti&e and listen carefully to the account. !on't be defensi&e, nor take it personally.
:. (ork with the school to find what can be done to ensure that this does not occur again.
;. Asked to be kept informed.
<. Calmly e0plain to your child what heSshe is accused of and ask for an e0planation, and ask if heSshe
knows that such bullying beha&ior is unacceptable.
=. Find out if your child was the instigator of the bullying or 2oined in. Find out if your child is bullying by
means of computers Ecyber"bullyingF and take appropriate steps to curtail this beha&ior.
J. !on't bully your child in addressing your child's beha&ior. 4elp your child appreciate how bullying
beha&ior hurts not only the &ictim, but also himSherself, as well as bystanders.
G. #ndicate that you will work with your child to alter this beha&ior and you will work with the school
personnel to monitor progress.
LF $hether your child is a victim of /ullyin! or en!a!in! in /ullyin! /ehaviors4 don't !ive up. #ndicate
that your child and all children in school ha&e a right to feel safe and feel they belong in school. #ndicate that
together with your child, and the school personnel, you will create a team approach to achie&e the goals of
safety for all students.
3? C 30ample
(A*/ A6E)T/ CA) 4ED 6E!KCE /C4??D BKDD*#)@
!iscuss the school+s Code of Conduct with your child. The Code of Conduct describes the rules your
child+s school follows. *ou can obtain a copy of the Code of Conduct from the school, your child+s
/tudent 4andbook, or &isit our school+s website, which is E000F. /how your support for the school rules.
4elp your child understand the reasons for the school rules.
#n&ol&e your child in setting rules for appropriate beha&ior at home, highlighting the importance of
rules. 4a&e your child bring in hisSher home rules to school to share with the class.
Disten to your child if he or she shares concerns about friends and about other students. Ask
e0plicitly if your child has witnessed $bullying,% that is someone being picked on, sho&ed, or someone
re2ected by fellow students. 4as that e&er happened to them9 (hat did they do9 (hat did other
students who were bystanders do9 #f your child had a problem in school, does your child ha&e the name
of a trusted teacher or staff member that he or she could go to for help9 lease share the information
you obtain from your child with trusted school personnel.
3now what is going on in your child+s school. 3eep a bulletin board at home. 4ang the school
calendar that we send home to post key dates and special e&ents. 4ang teacher communications such
as the eek of the (eek memos, names of key school contact people, weekly meals, and other school
related information.
/et up a daily time to check"in with your child about school. (e welcome your in&ol&ement in your
child+s school life by supporting and re&iewing your child+s homework and schoolwork. lease sign and
return all re,uested teacher and school communications.
Encourage your child to take part in school acti&ities.
#n&ol&e your child in family and community acti&ities.
lease attend school functions such as school and class programs, and parent conferences.
>olunteer to participate in school and in communityBrelated acti&ities, if time permits.
lease call, email, submit suggestions on how we can work as a team to make our school safer and
a better learning place.
(e make a commitment that we will remain in touch with you and we in&ite you to remain in touch
with us.
Thank you for being a partner in the education of your child. *our in&ol&ement is &ery important and uni,ue.
?ral Communication Ehone Calls And 5eetingsF with arents
Call each parent Eat least once per year, preferably once per termF to gi&e feedback con&eying
something the student did well.
#mplement a *2FT pro!ram 6 *in)in! The 2nterest of Families and Teachers. This is a skills
training program for both students and parents and includes a *2FT *2N3 of phone"messageSanswering
machine that allows teachers to record messages to parents about classroom and homework acti&ities,
and pro&ide information regarding their children. arents can lea&e feedback messages for teachers on
teachers+ answering machines. #t costs about NJC per month per classroom to implement the *2FT
*2N3' establish bilingual hotlines. For more information, see'
Eddy. Q., 6eid, Q. W Tetrow, 6. E:CCCF. An elementary school"based pre&ention program targeting
modifiable antecedents of youth delin,uency and &iolence' Dinking the interests of families and
teachers ED#FTF. Qournal of Emotional and Beha&ioral !isorders, H, 8J="8GJ
(alker, 4. 5., 6amsey, E., W @resham, F. 5. E:CC<F. Antisocial beha&ior in school. Belmont, CA'
(adsworthSThomson Dearning
6eturn parents' calls and notes in a timely manner.
3eep a running log of each telephone call, noting date, topic, follow"up plan.
/chedule meetings with parents to re&iew their child+s progress and classroom beha&ior. /tudents
may attend some parent"teacher conferences, showing work and becoming a self"ad&ocate.
Communicate with parents about homework and how they can be of help Ee.g., rules about settings,
times, ways to moti&ate students and ways to balance homework with other acti&itiesF.
#roactive .teps to 2nvolve #arents
#n&ite parents to attend and participate in &arious school acti&ities Ee.g. stay with children during
lunch, &isit morning assemblies, classroom, student"led acti&itiesF.
Encourage attendance at parent"teacher meetings, back"to"school nights, open houses where
students ha&e opportunities to showcase their work.
#n&ite parents to assist in class, &olunteer, ha&e list of things parents can do to help at school.
(elcome parents+ input about their son+sSdaughter+s progress.
Address possible barriers to parent in&ol&ement such as demands on their time Eboth parents workF
by using a fle0ible schedule, pro&ide transportation, pro&ide child care while parent &isits school,
address possible parental attitudinal reser&ations about &isiting school.
#n&ol&e parents and grandparents as classroom presenters to share history and to engage in
pro2ects with students.
4a&e students generate and post family trees in class.
Kndertake specific out"reach efforts to engage parents. For e0ample, use respected community
leaders to reach out to parents, ha&e family learning centers in storefronts or churches, hold parent"
night in a laundromat where parents who attend ha&e free access to washers and dryers.
ro&ide parents with training on how to read stories to their children, impro&e beha&ior management,
and help with homework.
Engage parents in their child+s learning process Ee.g., math assignments, inter&iews, etc.F.
For e0amples of ways to engage parents in their children+s learning, see
5eichenbaum, !. W Biemiller, A. E8AAHF. )urturing #ndependent Dearners' 4elping /tudents Take Charge of
Their Dearning. Cambridge, 5A' Brookline Books.
For students who are ha&ing beha&ioral and learning problems, teachers can implement a '?3:
.('??* (ARD, where the student+s beha&ior is monitored throughout the school day and a contingent
reward schedule is established at the home in the form of a beha&ioral contract E/ee D#)3 to Classroom
5anagement 5E)K > C:F.
#rovidin! Administrative .upport for #arent 2nvolvement
Conduct an assessment of what the school is now doing to in&ol&e parents and staffL generate both
inter&ention and e&aluation plans to determine their effecti&eness.
5onitor parent attendance and in&ol&ement. Try to understand the factors that contribute to
nonparticipation and ad2ust accordingly Ee.g., cultural compatibility of parental re,uestsF.
ro&ide workshops for teachers on how to work collaborati&ely with parents.
/upport teacher efforts to in&ol&e parents Epro&ide time, resources and moneyF.
ro&ide before"school and after"school programs for students to help accommodate parents+ work
schedules.
ro&ide specific skills programs for parentsL help them access local ser&ices, @E! programs, parent
support groups, home"&isiting outreach programs,
mental health ser&ices.
!e&elop an acti&e truancy pre&ention program that in&ol&es parents.
arents are encouraged to &iew their in&ol&ement as a responsibility and they are asked to sign a
beha&ioral contract indicating their responsibilities to the education of their children Ee.g., encourage
parents to ask their sonSdaughter specific ,uestions about classroom acti&itiesF.
8. "ow #any o$ these actiities to inole parents does your school engage in%
A6E)T DETTE6 T? 6#)C#AD AB?KT BKDD*#)@
!ear Ename of rincipalF
5y wife and # ha&e recently learned that our sonSdaughter E)A5EF has been a &ictim of bullying at
school Ehas engaged in bullying beha&iorF Ehas been a &ictim of bullying and on occasion has also
bullied othersF. The source of our information comes from Eindicate source B from your child, from
other children, other sources of informationF. (e are deeply concerned and would welcome an
opportunity to meet with you and sonSdaughter+s name teacher. (e would like to consider what we
can all do to change the situation.
At our meeting, we would like to raise some ,uestions, if that is okay.
a. (e are wondering if this bullying incident is uni,ue to our child or is bullying a general
problem at your school9 4ow do you presently assess for the incidence of bullying9
b. #n our situation, the bullying occurred at recess in an unsuper&ised area. Are there any ways
to impro&e the playground acti&ities and impro&e the le&el of super&ision9
c. (hat are you doing school"wide and in the classroom to reduce bullying9
d. Are your teachers trained to identify bullying incidents and on ways to inter&ene9
e. 4ow can parents help reduce bullying9
f. Are there specific school ser&ices you pro&ide to &ictims of bullies, to children who bully, to
children who are both a bully and a &ictim9
!ropouts' 5yths &s. 6ealities
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yth' /tudents drop out mostly for social, family, or personal reasons that ha&e little to do with school.
Reality' !ropouts are more than twice as likely to say they left for reasons related to school than because of
family or personal circumstances. /tudents+ educational e0periences are more accurate warning signs of
whether they will drop out than demographic characteristics like gender, race, age, or po&erty.
yth' !ropping out is a sudden and often surprising e&ent that can+t be predicted.
Reality5 For most, dropping out is the culmination of a long"term process of educational withdrawal
preceded by years of poor academic performance and disengagement from school. 5ost dropouts show
clear warning signs by ninth grade and many well before that. #n hiladelphia, researchers can identify fifty
percent of e&entual dropouts as early as si0th grade and an additional thirty percent by ninth grade. Chicago
de&eloped an $on"track% indicator that is eighty"fi&e percent accurate in predicting which ninth graders will
make it to graduation.
yth' !ropping out is a personal decision that has nothing to do with how schools operate.
Reality' 4igh schools &ary widely in their holding power abo&e and beyond the indi&idual risk factors
students bring with them. The factors that contribute most to students+ decision to drop out are $alterable,%
meaning there are things schools can do to change them. These include creating en&ironments where
students ha&e supporti&e relationships with teacher and peers, and they are both challenged and supported
academically.
yth' /tudents drop out because they are bored, not because they struggle academically.
Reality' 6esearchers in Chicago and hiladelphia ha&e found that most dropouts fail courses and get
behind in credits before lea&ing high school, and failing 2ust one class the first semester of ninth grade can
cause a downward spiral that ends with dropping out. Academic performance and educational engagement
are both important, and students can drop out because of either oneOor, more often, both.
yth' #f we 2ust made sure all students were academically prepared to handle high school coursework, the
dropout problem would go away.
Reality' oor academic preparation puts students at greater risk of dropping out, but simply raising eighth
grade test scores will not sol&e the problem. E&en high"achie&ing students can ha&e a rocky transition to
ninth grade, especially in large high schools that pro&ide little social and academic support.
yth' /tudents drop out because they ha&e low ambitions.
Reality' Today+s teenagers are the most academically ambitious generation in K./. history. All but one
percent of sophomores say they plan to graduate from high school, nearly ninety percent say they plan to
continue their educations, and three in four say they plan to earn a bachelor+s degree or higher.
Bullying and the /pecial )eeds Child
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Talking About Tough #ssues

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By Dynn 5oore
Kpdated on Qan :H, :CCH
Emerging research indicates that a child with a disability is more likely to be physically or &erbally bullied
than his typically de&eloping peers. As a special needs teacher with o&er twenty years under my belt, # can
attest to this data. 4owe&er, by teaching children to understand that not e&eryone sees the world the same
way, parents can facilitate understanding and healthy interaction between all kinds of children. !e&eloping
specific social skills and an action plan to pre&ent bullying can decrease the odds that kids will be bullied, or
that they themsel&es will become bullies in the face of social an0iety.
Although children with disabilities are more likely to be the ob2ect of bullying, sometimes they can become
the bully, often as a result of low self"esteem or being bullied by others. )o matter how your child is affected
by bullying, howe&er, these steps can go a long way in pre&enting this hurtful practice'
1hen a !pecial 'eeds Child is 0ullied"
Talk to the child about situations that in&ite bullying. A child with de&elopmental delays such as !own
/yndrome or Asberger+s syndrome is often trusting and friendly. Because he does not think that others
will play tricks on him, he becomes an easy target. arents can help with some simple ad&ice. For
e0ample, they can talk with their child about where to sit on the busL is it possible for him to sit near the
dri&er or a friend9 /ometimes knowing where to be and where not to be can deter confrontation with
bullies.
Teach children about body language. This is particularly difficult for children who are autistic or with
learning disabilities, because they often don't pick up on social cues such as facial e0pression and body
language. A bully will most likely demonstrate cocky mo&ements, loud &oice, and mocking facial
e0pressions. Teach your child to think $#s he too close to me9% $Are his words &ery loud9% #f so, your
child should use confident body language of his own.
Kse appropriate social language. 5any children with language delays or processing difficulties
cannot come up with a ,uick response to &erbal bullying. ractice confident social language Enot
threatsF. Try practicing scenarios with your child at home, so that he is prepared for bullying whene&er it
come his way.
Children should be ready to take safe action such as lea&ing the situation or telling an adult. A child
with mental retardation who thinks &ery concretely may be reluctant to approach an adult because he
thinks that he is creating the problem. Adults can teach them to o&ercome these feeling, using
hypothetical e0amples, and emphasi1ing that it is responsible to report unsafe situations.
1hen the 0ully Has !pecial 'eeds"
?ften the child with a speech difficulty or the child who lea&es the $regular% classroom for special instruction
is teased by his peers. Because the child may ha&e been teased for poor academic or social skills, he may
look for someone who is weaker in those areas. Bullying in this case may also be the result of misreading
social cues or lacking the communication skills to ask for something appropriately. !e&eloping skills in social
confidence can reduce the tendency to bully. 4ere are some further suggestions'
E0plain the rules. Talk about when something is the child+s and when it is not. Qason+s turn on the
swings is 2ust that B Qason+s turn. (hether or not another child wants to swing at that moment it is not
an option because someone else is taking his own turn.
/chool them in body language. Teach your child that a head shake, turning away, or standing up to
someone Eas well as the &erbal $)o%F means no. These body signals should tell the child to stop. #f your
child is struggling to pick up on social cues, practice different scenarios at home, and discuss what
happened afterward.
Kse appropriate social language. 4elp your child practice using words, not actions, to get what he
wants. #f he wants to play with a ball or borrow a pencil, remind him to wait for a positi&e response
before taking the desired item.
arents of typically de&eloping children can e0plain that children with special needs may be struggling with
social skills. This is their opportunity to take a leadership role and show respect to their classmates. They
can help stop the cycle of bullying by supporting their special needs peers.
8C (ays to !eal with a Teen who Talks Back
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8C (ays to /uccessfully repare *our Child for College
8C (ays *ou Can 4elp *our Child Cope (ith eer ressure
Related Topics
Teen #ssues
5iddle /chool
4igh /chool
Beha&ior #ssues in Children and Adolescents
!iscipline and Challenging Child Beha&ior

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By Disa 5edoff
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8:
arents often notice a resurgence of the $terrible twos% when their child enters adolescence, complete with
the assertions of independence, the frustration of not ha&ing the language needed to e0press the comple0ity
of their emotions, and the seemingly automatic response of, $)o7% or $That+s not fair7% when asked to do
anything by parents. E&en tantrums seem to rear their ugly heads during the teen years.
#t seems as if our current society both reflects and encourages these beha&iors, as media often shows sassy
teenage stars who get a laugh from their rude remarks aimed at adults, who are often portrayed as
unreasonable andSor less intelligent than the teenagers. arents who are concerned about ,uashing their
teen+s independence, worried about engaging in a power struggle that they might not be able to win, or 2ust
feeling helpless in the face of the teen+s strongly e0pressed emotions, may simply gi&e up when their child
refuses to do what is asked of him.
#t's important for parents to understand that teenagers do not ha&e the same control of their impulses that
adults do, since the part of the brain that helps one think ahead and ad2ust beha&ior based on potential
conse,uences Ethe prefrontal corte0F, is still de&eloping. 4owe&er, e&en though your teenager+s brain
de&elopment is still in progress, she still needs to learn how to control impulsi&e and rude beha&ior, not only
to make life more pleasant for those surrounding her at the time, but also because the e0periences that one
has during adolescence helps to wire the brain to effecti&ely deal with emotions and impulses throughout
life. arents need to pro&ide support and guidance that will enable such effecti&e responses to e&entually
become hard"wired in the brain. art of pro&iding such support and guidance is setting clear boundaries
about what kind of beha&ior will be tolerated, and what conse,uences e0ist for engaging in beha&ior that is
not allowed.
Both teenagers and parents need to know that it is de&elopmentally appropriate and healthy to ,uestion
what is being asked of them, as long as they are not doing it in a rude or offensi&e manner. (e do want to
teach our teenager that it's important to stand up for what they belie&e in, and that some ways of getting
what they want are more effecti&e than others, but that sometimes standing up for oneself may include an
unpleasant conse,uence. 4ere are some ways to deal with teenagers that talk back and show disrespect'
8. 5ake sure that the rules of the house are &ery clear and specific. *ou may need to say to your child
Eat a time when you are both calmF, $(e ha&e been fighting a lot lately, so we need to sit down and
clarify what mySour e0pectations for your beha&ior are, and what the conse,uences will be for
breaking the rules.%
:. (hen your child talks back to you or refuses to do something you ha&e asked, take a few seconds to
remind yourself to stay calm, and think about what you are about to say. !o not threaten your child or
yell at her, as these beha&iors can cause the interaction to escalate. /imply state the beha&ior and
remind your child of the conse,uences. #f your child seems to be out of control Eor you feel that you
are getting out of controlF, let her know that you will continue the con&ersation later, and walk away.
;. Be confident, firm, and consistent. !o not negotiate with your child, back down, or let her draw your
into an argument about the conse,uence that you are enforcing. Conse,uences are conse,uences
and shouldn't be up for discussion or argument. #f your child feels like she can argue or negotiate a
conse,uence, she'll be more likely to continue an undesired beha&ior and moreo&er, more likely to
argue e&en more the ne0t time around. !o not lecture or gi&e long"winded speeches, as your teen will
simply tune out, which will in turn make you more likely to get worked up.
<. Be willing to ha&e con&ersations Erather than argumentsF about ad2usting the rules and
conse,uences e&ery few months as your child gets older and can take on more
responsibility. 4owe&er, make it clear that your teen must be able to present her position to you
without being rude " this is an e0cellent life skill to instill. #n addition, all parties in&ol&ed need to
understand that 2ust because your teen may present a good argument in a polite manner, it doesn't
mean that you're re,uired to change your position. Be willing to listen with an open mind and be up for
a discussion, but in the end, you are the parent with the life e0perience to make good decisions, as
well as the person responsible for your child+s safety and well"being.
=. Backtalk sometimes comes from teenagers trying to learn how to assert their independence and test
limits, so help them make good choices within the boundaries that you set. As much as possible, let
them be responsible for their own beha&ior, e&en if it means that they ha&e to deal with the negati&e
conse,uences Ethis can often be the best learning e0perience from themF. #n addition, gi&e them
choices whene&er you can, but make it clear when no choice e0ists and you are not willing to
negotiate, especially when it comes to matters of your child+s safety.
J. (hen your child uses rude words to label you or someone else, ask her to be specific. /ay, $(hen
you call meM, it is not only rude and will not be tolerated, but it also does not help me understand
what you want. Tell me what you are upset about or what you would like to happen.%
G. ?ne common refrain from teens is, $*ou don+t understand7% !o not further frustrate your child by
saying, $*es, # do7%, or $# went through e0actly what you are going through now.% (e all like to think of
e0periences as uni,ue. #nstead of asserting a Rbeen there, done thatR stance, help your child practice
communicating without being rude by responding, $# may not understand, but # do want to try to
understand what you are feeling. Can we talk about it later when we+re both calmer9 ?r you can you
write it down and send me an e mail, if you like9%
H. Think about how you speak to your child and to others around you. 4ow often are you sarcastic or
rude9 #s your child picking up on your tone and the way you treat others9 Try to ad2ust
your own beha&ior and remember that whether she knows it or not, you are your child's greatest
influence in terms of nuturing the right kinds of beha&ior in her. Consider telling your child that you
ha&e noticed that you can be rude to others sometimes, and that you're going to try to modify your
own beha&ior. /ometimes, parents admitting that they too can make mistakes or ha&e things that they
need to work on, makes all the difference in terms of communication. *our child will feel less like she's
under attack and more open to making ad2ustments of her own.
A. Try to break a pattern of interaction in which your child is constantly rude to you and you in turn
respond with frustration andSor punishment. Tell your child that you don't like the way your relationship
has been lately, and that you would like to do something pleasant together. Det your child choose
something that the two of you can do together, and make a pact that neither of you will be rude or
critical. #f one of you breaks the pact, end the acti&ity, and try again another day.
8C. @i&e your child the same respect that you would like and try to refrain from name"calling or labeling
with such words as, $spoiled brat.% #nstead, keep the focus on the beha&ior that you would like to
change.
#f your child seems to be out of control or defying you in ways that endanger her safety or that of others,
seek professional assistance immediately. Kltimately, helping your child break habits of backtalk and
disrespect will help her not only in her not only at home, but will make all the difference in her ability relate to
others and be successful in life.
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8C (ays to !eal with Dying in *oung Children
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By Disa 5edoff
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?ne problem that no preschool parent has e&er been spared is that of the tantrum. Tantrums are
unpleasant, and often ,uite embarrassing, but they are &ery normal, especially in children around the ages
of :";.
Children of this age group are disco&ering a will of their own, but they do not yet ha&e the language that they
need to e0press themsel&es, nor do they ha&e the ability to regulate their own emotions when they do not
get what they want right away. *our 2ob as the adult is to help them impro&e both types of skills.
Try some of the following ideas to help a&oid tantrums, or at least make them less fre,uent and less intense'
8. Try the best you can to prepare ahead of time to pre&ent unnecessary problems. Children do need to
learn to deal with small amounts of frustration, since they will encounter many times in their li&es
when they cannot get their way, but you should make your own life easier by a&oiding situations that
might set your child off. For e0ample, do not start acti&ities that your child en2oys if you will not ha&e
enough time to finish them. )e&er promise anything that you know you will not follow through on.
A&oid beginning acti&ities when your child is already hungry, tired, or cranky. 3eep track of when your
child tends to throw tantrums, including the time of day, the situation, and particular stressors that
make a tantrum more likely, and try to keep these factors to a minimum.
:. #f you see a tantrum building, try to distract your child by focusing his attention on something
else. *oung children respond ,uite well to music, so try singing his fa&orite song. 3now that this
strategy will not always work, but it's worth a try.
;. /ometimes tantrums arise because young children are testing the boundaries of their new"found
independence. @i&e your child some sense of independence by gi&ing her choices. 4owe&er, make
sure to word the choices in a way that makes it clear that what you want is non"negotiable. For
e0ample, she has to get dressed right now to go to preschool, but she can pick the outfit she wants to
wear. Allow her to do so, e&en if she does not end up with a matching outfit.
<. ?nce a tantrum begins, the best policy is usually to make sure that your child is physically safe, and
then ignore him. !o not try to argue or reason with a child in the throes of a tantrum, as you will 2ust
be setting yourself up for a frustrating power struggle. Think about yourself B are you likely to listen to
reason while you are in the grip of o&erwhelming emotions, or do you 2ust need to &ent9
=. !o not let yourself get angry about the tantrum to the point where you think you will lose control and
say or do something that you will later regret. )o matter how hard it may be, force yourself to stay
calm. #f you cannot do so, e0cuse yourself for a minute until you regain control.
J. *our children are always watching you, so make sure that you are modeling good beha&ior for
dealing with your own frustrating emotions as they arise. Det your child know when something has
upset you by labeling the feeling, and then show how you rela0, such as taking fi&e deep breaths, or
saying that you need fi&e minutes alone to calm down.
G. After the tantrum is o&er, let your child know that you were not happy with his beha&ior, but then find
something positi&e to say, such as how proud you are of how ,uickly he was able to calm himself
down. /ay, $#+m so glad that you are feeling better now,% gi&e him a hug, and then channel him into an
acti&ity to a&oid dwelling on what 2ust happened.
H. #f your child has tried to hit, kick, or bite someone else, respond to that particular beha&ior, not to the
tantrum. 6emind him that hurting others physically is ne&er tolerated and deli&er the normal
conse,uences for these beha&iors.
A. !o not embarrass your child by making fun of his beha&ior. !o not hold a grudge and bring up the
tantrum again in the future.
8C. !espite how tempting it may be to gi&e in and let the child ha&e her way 2ust to end a seemingly
ne&er"ending tantrum, do not do so. *ou will be teaching her one ma2or lesson' that throwing a
tantrum will e&entually get her e0actly what she wants if she holds out long enough. Think about the
long"term conse,uences of teaching her this lesson. Tantrums are certainly unpleasant when children
are young, but consider a tantrum in an older child or teenager. #t is best to set patterns as early as
possible so that your child learns that screaming and crying is not the way to get what she wants, from
you or anyone else.
88. #t may be embarrassing to ha&e a child throw a tantrum in a crowded place, but try to remember that
your concern is your child and not strangers. As calmly as you can, pick up your child and take him to
a ,uiet place, such as the car, so he can calm down. Det him know that as soon as he calms down,
you will be able to return to what you were doing. !o not show impatience or anger through your facial
e0pressions or tone of &oice. Try to stay impassi&e and let him know that he is not getting to you.
8:. Tantrums may be the only way that your child feels that she can get your attention. 5ake sure that
you are gi&ing her lots of positi&e attention for good beha&iors, and that you are setting aside as much
time as possible, e&en 2ust a few minutes e&ery day, to spend alone with your child, only focusing on
her.
5ost of the time, tantrums are nothing to worry about. #f you set your limits firmly and do not gi&e in to the
desires underlying the tantrums, children should learn fairly ,uickly that throwing tantrums do not work. #f
you are sticking to your limits and showing your child that he cannot upset you, but he continues to ha&e
tantrums :"; times per day, or the tantrums last longer than 8=":C minutes, you should contact your
pediatrician for assistance.
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Frustrated by a young child who 2ust can't seem to keep her story straight9 !on't worry' young children
around preschool age are still in the process of learning how to tell the difference between lying and make"
belie&e.
!ue to where they are in terms of their brain de&elopment, their thinking is concrete, which means that they
understand only what they can see in front of them and tend to think in black"and"white terms, rather than
being able to make finer distinctions. Because their thinking tends to be so simple and straightforward, their
understanding of morality is similarL they are concerned merely with a&oiding getting in trouble, and not
focused on more uni&ersal concepts of morality in the same way that adults are.
*oung children do not ha&e the memory capacity that older children or adults ha&e, so instead of
consciously lying, they may simply not remember all of the details of an occurrence, so they may lea&e out
certain things, or add in what they think makes sense.
(hen considering how to correct young children who lie, adults needs to be aware that these children
usually lie for different reasons than adults doL young children tend to lie either because they feel bad about
what they ha&e done and think that if they lie, they can make it so the e&ent did not occur Ewhat
psychologists call, $magical thinking%F, or because they wish to a&oid punishment, without a real
understanding of why lying is wrong. /ome children are &ery creati&e, and they 2ust need help learning how
to e0press their imagination in a way that is not misleading to others. /ome children reali1e that lying is the
only way they can get attention, either because of e0aggerated accomplishments or pains, or because of the
trouble they get in when the lie is disco&ered.
The goal in dealing with the lying of young children should be not to punish them for lying, but to teach them
the difference between pretending and lying, and to help them understand why it is important to tell the
truth. /ome ideas for working with young children who lie include'
8. 5ake sure your child really understands the difference between pretending and lying. *ou will ha&e
to do so se&eral times o&er the course of many months. Be specific and brief. #f you think your child is
lying, remind him that, $A lie is when you say something happened when it didn+t really happen. # need
to you tell the truth, which is telling me about what really happened.% @i&e concrete e0amples of each
e&ery time.
:. As young children generally do not fully grasp the concept of lying, punishment is not generally
recommended as much as correcting and teaching the child. #f you do see the same beha&ior
occurring o&er and o&er, and feel that you must deli&er conse,uences in order to stop it, try to make
sure that the conse,uences are related to what the child has lied to co&er up.
;. Try to a&oid situations where your child would enter into a pattern of lying by eliminating
temptation. For e0ample, if your child tends to handle and break fragile ob2ects, and then lie about
what happened, keep such ob2ects out of your child+s reach.
<. #f you know your child has done something wrong, do not set up a situation that might encourage
your child to lie by asking, $!id you take your sister+s bunny9% #nstead, say, $# wonder where your
sister+s bunny went. /he is &ery upset that it is missing. Can you help me find it and make her feel
better9% Then remind your child of how she is to treat the things that belong to others.
=. Another way to handle when your child lies is to point out the parts of the story that are true, and
then gently note which parts come from her imagination. 6emind her that right now, you need her to
tell you the true parts, and if she wants to use her imagination when she plays with her toys or draws
a picture, that would be wonderful.
J. As sometimes lying can be a bid for attention, try to look for situations when your child is being
honest and gi&e attention for that beha&ior, while ignoring ob&ious lies when you can.
G. (hen you talk about lying with your child, make sure that you are teaching her why honesty is so
important. Talk about why people need to ha&e correct information to make informed and fair
decisions, and why it is important for people to trust one another.
H. Ask your librarian for stories about lying and its conse,uences. 6ead these stories with your child
and talk about what happened to the characters. /ee if your child can identify lying as you go through
the book.
A. Det your child know that it is okay to make mistakes, as long as she admits them and tries to fi0
them. (hen she does tell you the truth about misbeha&ior, help her make up for the misdeed, but let
her know that you are proud of her for telling the truth.
8C. Be aware of your own tendency to lie, e&en when lies that are told to spare the feelings of
others. *oung children do not ha&e the capacity to tell the difference between a lie that is selfish or
hurts others, and a lie that is meant to protect someone. *our children look to you as a role model, so
if they hear you lying, they will copy this beha&ior, though not necessarily with the same intention.
#s *our Child lagiari1ing9
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Talking About Tough #ssues

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By Cheri Ducas
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Back in the good old days, plagiari1ing meant painstakingly copying from a book or other source. Today, with
access to tried"and"true Cliffs )otes and &irtual resources like Termaper@enie.com, kids can cheat in
numerous ways.
The resources are so readily a&ailable that your child may not e&en be aware that she plagiari1es. The team
at lagiarism.org describes plagiarism as failure to put a ,uote in ,uotation marks, the fabrication of sources
on a bibliography page B a fake page number or book title, for e0ample B or the simple 2umble of words in a
sentence or passage, and then taking credit for the idea.
Knintentional or not, plagiarism is a form of fraud B an act of copying another+s work and passing it off as
your own, as well as $borrowing% ideas without citing or crediting the source. @rade schoolers and college
students alike plagiari1e, and the conse,uences are serious' a failing grade, suspension, or e&en e0pulsion
from school.
#t+s not easy to tell what+s plagiarism and what+s not, says !r. /te&en !owshen, an e0pert at 3ids4ealth, a
site that monitors children+s health news. 4e says it may be accidental, but if you don+t identify the source,
you can get into trouble.
lagiarism can also be a product of la1iness or #nternet sa&&y' *our child can get into trouble if she $cuts and
pastes% paragraphs off a site like (ikipedia, or steals her entire paper from sites like FreeEssays.com or
lanetapers.com. E#f you @oogle $free research paper,% for instance, the options for similar essay
databases, unfortunately, are e0tensi&e.F
/o how can you tell if your child is plagiari1ing9 The good news is that while the #nternet makes it easy for
your child to copy, it+s 2ust as simple for you to track her research. #f you want to monitor this process, try the
following'
#f there is no oral presentation accompanying her research paper, ask her to present her pro2ect to
you to hear about what she has learned. #f she is ha&ing trouble articulating ideas, she may not
understand parts of the topic and could ha&e $borrowed% ideas from sources
#f she is writing a book report, read the book 2acket Ethe back co&er and inside flapsF, a description of
the book on (eb sites like Ama1on and Barnes and )oble, story summaries on (ikipedia and Cliffs
)otes, or author (eb sites Emany young adult authors ha&e sites and blogsF
#f she is working on a research pro2ect, compare her work to information on online encyclopedias
like Encyclopedia Britannica or kid search engines like Ask For 3ids byinserting part of a suspicious
sentence from your child+s paper into the page's search engine
Be on the lookout for &ocabulary in her prose that is too ad&ancedL sophisticated sentences with
multiple clauses, which she may not ha&e written on her ownL and comple0 sentences near ,uotes that
may be closely paraphrased
#f you share your computer with your child, look out for sa&ed documents on the hard dri&e or K6Ds
of essay databases, such as Cheathouse.com and eCheat.com, in your (eb browser
Ask to see her $works cited% page or bibliography and compare the listed book titles and their page
numbers with the books she checked out from the library
urchase or check out a library copy of the M8A Hand$oo& for 1riters of Research Papersfor your
child, which is the standard style for high school and college work
#f you disco&er your child has, in fact, copied someone else+s words or ideas, it+s important to approach her
without accusation. E0plain that plagiarism may be unintentional, and that it is perfectly acceptable to $o&er"
cite% and ,uote from numerous sources when writing a paper. !owshen suggests an anti"plagiarism
checklist, which you can help your child create. ossible ,uestions she can ask herself'
!id # know this fact before # conducted my research9
!id # credit the original source whene&er # was unsure9
(hen # lifted a passage from a book or (eb site, did # put ,uotation marks around it9
!id # add e&ery book or (eb site # consulted to my bibliography9 !o # ha&e photocopies or printouts
of pages # used9
#f # don+t remember the e0act page # found information, did # at least note the book or online
destination9
#f # read o&er a sentence or idea that #+&e paraphrased, do # understand and can # e0plain what #
wrote9
Be sure to tell your child that plagiarism is easy to do, but the conse,uences may be se&ere. #f you+re
engaged in her work and are conscious of the signs, howe&er, you will be able to teach her how to a&oid the
deed in the future.
3eeping *our Teen ?ut of Trouble
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By 6ose @arrett
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Teens and trouble' think they go together like bread and butter9 (ell, you may be wrong.
(hile teenagers do tend towards $risk"seeking% beha&ior, and seem to en2oy pushing boundaries B and
parents' buttons B troublesome beha&ior can be anything but typical.
According to )eil Bernstein, a clinical psychologist and author ofHow to 7eep 9our 2een ;ut of
2rou$le and 1hat 2o o +f 9ou Can#t, moodiness, self"absorption, and obsession with peer appro&al are all
run of the teenage mill. 4owe&er, if you notice your teenager getting out of control, e0perimenting with drugs,
or abusing alcohol, it may be time for a wake"up call B for both of you. !on't e0pect lightening to strike some
sense into your teen. Although parents may feel that they are being pushed away during the teen years, it's
your responsibility to firmly push back. 4ere's how to get things mo&ing in a positi&e direction'
.et limits. $arents need to set limits, and the younger the children are, the easier it will be,% says
Bernstein. 5ake sure you stick to what you say. ?nce teens know that you mean business, they'll stop
trying to undermine your authority.
"e reasona/le. Det them know what the bottom line is, but e0plain your reasons for making it so.
$?nce they're teens, you can't 2ust say 'because # said so' B they won't listen,% Bernstein says. By
creating unreasonable rules and restrictions, you'll be telling your teen that you aren't prepared to
approach them rationally B and they'll respond in kind.
Ne!otiate. There's nothing wrong with a little gi&e and take, and teens will appreciate playing a part
in the process. 5ake sure to match your rules with sound reasoning, and let your teen know that with
maturity comes increased freedom. Think of your teenager's pri&ileges in terms of a ladder' as they get
older and pro&e that they can be responsible, mo&e their curfew up a rung, gi&e them increased phone
or #nternet pri&ileges, or let them choose what limits they would like to negotiate. #f they pro&e
themsel&es irresponsible, mo&e their pri&ileges down a rung, and let them know e0actly why.
(ommunicate. According to Bernstein, communication is the number one thing that parents need to
do better. Although the idea of a heart"to"heart with your teen may sound like the stuff of fantasy,
parents can talk to their teen if they do it right. Bernstein recommends approaching teens $at the right
time,% and not when they're angry, busy, or tired. $/tart on a positi&e note,% he suggests. Try making a
2oke or telling him you're proud of what he's doing right. #n other words, don't start with $(e need to talk,
young man7%
For most teens, pushing the boundaries is a normal sign of growing up and growing out of childhood
limitations. #f your teen's beha&ior is way out of control, howe&er, don't think you need to handle it all
yourself. Contact your school counselor who can gi&e you ad&ice, obser&e your child at school, and connect
you with further resources.
Dearning 6ight From (rong
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By Anita @urian, h. !.
)*K Child /tudy Center
Kpdated on ?ct ::, :C8C
3ditors' (omment
Each generation belie&es they are facing new challenges in raising responsible children. As we start the :8st
century, the world is a different place than it was e&en ten years ago and is sure to continue to change. (ith
change come both challenges and opportunities. )o challenge is more important than raising our children to
become adults with sound &alues and a sense of responsibility to themsel&es, their families, and their
community. #n this issue of the )*K Child /tudy Center Detter, we re&iew the de&elopmental processes"the
moral and cogniti&e reasoning along with conscience and empathy" which enable children to distinguish
right from wrong. 3nowledge of what's typical at different ages helps adults understand the meaning of
children's decisions in situations which present moral dilemmas. (e also discuss how parenting styles and
attitudes affect their children's &alues. According to research, parents who are warm and communicati&e with
their children, starting at an early age, while still maintaining control in the form of limits, raise children who
are more self"respecting, more socially competent, and deal more effecti&ely with problems. As children
grow, the parents who are open to discussions of tough issues such as aggression, &iolence, se0ual acti&ity,
and substance abuse let their children know that they care about them and e0ert a powerful influence in their
li&es. The final section of this C/C Detter presents some strategies to help parents prepare their children to
follow a steady path in changing times. "" 4/3SA@
2ntroduction
Aretha, age G, poc&eted a candy $ar that appealed to her when she was in a store with her mother.
!idney, age ?E, preparing for a math test, wrote some formulas on his hand to refer to.
Alex, age ?H, was late in handing in a science paper, so he found some information on the internet and
su$mitted it as his own.
4ow do children come to know the rules of their family and their community and learn what's fair, 2ust and
right9 The process starts at an early age, and se&eral strands of de&elopment are intertwined" children need
to comprehend what's e0pected of them, to want appro&al and to care about others. #t's a matter of both
mind and emotions. Children gradually de&elop the cogniti&e and emotional capacities that form the basis of
knowing and feeling what's right and what's wrong and then acting in accordance with that knowledge. And
they need caring adults to help them. Taking a candy bar, cheating on a test, and using someone else's
ideas ha&e different meanings at different ages. The <"year"old who takes a candy bar doesn't yet
understand the idea of pri&ate propertyL the 8C"year"old who cheats on a test knows he shouldn't do it, but
thinks it's okay because others do itL the 8="year"old, howe&er, when faced with ambiguous moral choices, is
intellectually aware of the ethical issues in&ol&ed in submitting someone else's work as his own.
The Toddler and #reschool %ears
*oung children think about goodS bad and rightSwrong in terms of personal conse,uences, not in moral
terms. (hen <"year"old Aretha took a candy bar in the supermarket, she found out it was wrong because
her mother told her to put the candy bar back and not to do it again. /he's not likely to repeat the beha&ior
because she wants to please her mother and she doesn't want to be punished.
reschoolers consider rules sacred and infle0ible, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish between
intent and beha&ior. #n terms of punishment, preschool" age children 2udge actions by the damage doneL the
more the damage the more serious the crime. For e0ample, they consider breaking four dishes while helping
to clean up a more serious crime than breaking one dish deliberately. They don't yet understand that
intention mattersL that breaking something on purpose is different than breaking something by accident. /o
they may not understand the logic of punishment. By the age of se&en, howe&er, most children are able to
consider intention as a factor in 2udging the seriousness of an incident.
Empathy, or feeling for the emotions of others is key to de&eloping a sense of right and wrongL it emerges at
an early age and needs to be nurtured in a caring en&ironment. E&en babies cry when they hear other
babies cry, and toddlers respond to distress in other children"&erbally as well as non&erbally"by offering a
hug or other physical sign of concern. *oung children come to recogni1e that there are standards of
acceptable beha&ior and feel guilty if they &iolate them. Although they are mostly concerned with their own
interests, young children also understand ideas about fairness, that all children should get e,ual amounts of
cookies and should take turns, for e0ample.
The iddle (hildhood %ears
By G or H children are guided by a law"and"order orientationL they still understand rightSwrong in terms of
obedience. They beha&e because they don't want their parents or other authorities to be angry and punish
them. As they mature their conscience or inner &oice helps them follow the rules e&en when there's no adult
around to punish or chastise. They are able to foresee the conse,uences of their beha&ior. EFor e0ample, an
H"year"old reali1es that if he stamps on a &ideo game in frustration and anger, there are a series of
conse,uences' the game won't work any moreL his parents will be upsetL he'll feel bad because he's
disappointing his parentsL and he'll feel upset by his own bad beha&ior.F #n addition, as children learn to see
the world from someone else's point of &iew they are able to refine their black and white thinking about
what's rightSwrongL goodSbadL politeSrude. #n the middle years, children seek social appro&al and they adhere
to e0pectations because they want to be liked by their peers. They ha&e a strong sense of 2usticeL acts of
kindness, generosity, sharing and cooperation are seen as good and lying, cheating, aggression as bad.
They come to reali1e that rules can be fle0ibleL what's fair is more important. Although issues of conscience
affect the thinking of children of this age, sometimes concern about being liked by peers is more important
than conscience in guiding beha&ior.
!uring the years of middle childhood, children mo&e from an orientation to e0ternal authority and threats of
punishment as criteria for right and wrong to a &iew that doing the right thing is based on standards of
beha&ior and concern for the welfare of others.
The Adolescent %ears
#ntellectually, adolescents ha&e the ability to &iew societal rules and moral situations from different points of
&iew and to integrate different perspecti&es. They are capable of critici1ing established rules that they &iew
as un2ust. Concerned about the welfare of others, many adolescents follow their conscience and may act to
bring about fairness and 2ustice, ready to accept punishment for their actions. Adolescents spend a good
deal of their time independent of their parents, interacting with their peers and need to make decisions about
smoking, alcohol, drugs and risk"taking beha&iors which test the stability of their sense of &alues.
2n summary4 ma2or changes in children's ideas about right and wrong occur as they reorgani1e their thinking
as they mature. The early belief that doing the right thing means adhering to authority gradually changes to
the belief that one should act according to ethical notions of fairness.
*et some children who know that lying, cheating and hurting others are wrong still lie, cheat and hurt others.
A combination of factors enters the picture' age, parental influence, social factors, peer influence, stress
effects, atypical de&elopment of a sense of conscience and, as is currently being researched, wiring in the
brain.
#arental influence: what they do matters
Children learn about the world and de&elop a conscience and sense of &alues from their parents and others
who are close to them. Children tune in to real messages and &alues and soon reali1e if what their parents
do doesn't match what they say. arents, dealing simultaneously with family, work and other responsibilities,
also ha&e to deal with a number of challenges. /pending time with children is a ma2or challengeL estimates
indicate that children in the Knited /tates spend lC to 8= fewer hours of time with their parents than they did
<C years ago. Another challenge for parents is the influence of the media. The increased presence of the
media in our li&es pro&ides ready access to &ast amounts of information and entertainment, bringing with it
both good and bad influences. 5any programs are entertaining and informati&e but a growing number reflect
disrespectful, antisocial, aggressi&e beha&ior, at &ariance with the &alues of many parents. (hat's a parent
to do9
#arentin! styles:how they affect children's development
The ways in which parents relate to their children falls into certain patterns, and finding the right balance is
the key to helping children attain an internal sense of conscience and &alues. 6esearch has identified basic
parenting styles'
8F (hen parents balance affection, warmth and respect with a firm le&el of control in the form of limit"setting,
children are more likely to be self"respectful, to deal with problems, and to establish a sense of &alues. Ee.g.
R(e listen to your ideas and opinions as we de&elop family rules.RF This parenting style is known as
authoritati&e.
:F (hen parents are o&erly indulgent children often ha&e to struggle to learn the limits of what's acceptable
and to de&elop their inner controls. Ee.g. R(e will let you find yoursel&es.RF This parenting style is known as
permissi&e.
;F (hen parents are too controlling and autocratic Ee.g. R!o as # say because # say so.RF children ha&e
difficulty in establishing their own control, sense of social responsibility and their own sense of moral &alues.
This parenting style is known as authoritarian.
Following are some parenting suggestions that may pro&e helpful in finding the authoritati&e or middle
ground'
Teach /y e0ample
Be aware of your own needs and the ways in which your role as a parent is colored by your relationship with
your own parents.
5onitor your own beha&ior in the ordinary situations of daily lifeL children tune in when adults tell white lies,
such as saying you're not at home to a&oid certain people, writing an e0cusal note for school saying the
child was sick, when he's really going to &isit a relati&e.
5odel helpful and kind beha&iors, such as assisting people in need, lending a hand, or gi&ing up your seat to
an older andSor handicapped person.
raise your child for unselfish acts.
oint out the conse,uences of one's acts for others.
articipate in positi&e acti&ities such as community ser&ice, sports, music, all of which imbue children with a
sense of purpose.
Teach /y on!oin! dialo!ue and discussion
5ake communication a priority. Take time to e0plain your decisions and moti&es and listen to your child's
point of &iew.
Children ha&e to make their way through a thicket of contradictory messages, so be clear and allow for more
than one discussion as situations arise.
5ake your e0pectations clear. 5ake children aware that their opinions are respected, but remain firm in your
decisions. (hen you set limits enforce them.
Allow children to participate in decisions which affect the family. (hen discussing a child's beha&ior, focus
attention to the way in which the feelings of the other person are affected.
Kse tele&ision scripts to discuss possible alternati&e endings to situations.
6ole play' play pretend games in which children play se&eral roles, helping them e0perience other points of
&iew.
!iscuss books your children are reading, focusing on the choices faced by the characters.
Begin to talk about attitudes towards se0, drugs and alcohol when children are young.
$hen !ood )ids do the wron! thin!
The &ery young, who don't really understand what rules are, should not be punished for taking something,
although they must be told not to. E/ee Aretha, abo&eF
!on't o&erreact to broken rules or minor infractions at the ages of = or J. #t's likely that the child misbeha&ed
on the spur of the moment. At this age children may see their own beha&ior as correct Ee.g. lyingF if it gets
them what they want. Try and ascertain the reason for the lie. Tell them their beha&ior is wrong and point out
the conse,uences.
Around <th or =th grade, when academic demands increase, some kids feel the pressure to get good grades
and will take short cuts. E/ee /idney, abo&eF eer pressure also becomes important and kids may do
something wrong if they think e&eryone else is doing it. 4a&e an open discussion about cheating, be clear
about why it's wrong, and that it won't be tolerated. 4elp children understand that they may e0perience
conflict between immediate satisfaction, peer appro&al and doing the right thing. 5ake sure your child is not
under undue pressure.
Teach children how to say no. Talk about situations in which a child or adolescent might be tempted to drink
or use drugs Ea party, a sports e&ent, etc.F and whether he might be taunted if he refuses. 6ole play ways of
reacting in such situations. Be in&ol&ed in your child's life e&en in adolescence. #n&ol&ement doesn't mean
insisting that things be done your way. #n&ol&ement means knowing your children's friends, attending school
meetings, being familiar with their music preferences"all of which show you're interested and you &alue who
they are. Encourage your teenager to &olunteer in an after" school or other community program"these
actions enable them to appreciate what they ha&e, understand their uni,ue &alue as a person, and gi&es
them a sense of their ability to contribute to the good of the world.
.tayin! on trac)
According to (illiam !amon, !irector of the Center for Adolescence at /tanford Kni&ersity, healthy
adolescents ha&e a strong, passionate interest in something and a person who inspires them. Confident and
compassionate parents ha&e a good chance of raising a confident and compassionate teenager who thinks
about moral and ethical issues and gets in&ol&ed in the community.
(hat Triggers *our Anger9
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By Eli1abeth antley
/tate' /outh Carolina !epartment of Education
Kpdated on !ec 8J, :CCH
Family life is complicated and unpredictable. !ay"to"day e0pectations and responsibilities can create angry
emotions in both parents and children. )o matter how skilled you are at parenting, no matter how wonderful
your children are, you cannot eliminate or a&oid the unpleasant situations that occur in all families. 4owe&er,
once you understand where the anger comes from you can modify the situation and learn ways to control
your reactions, so that anger can occupy a smaller place in your home. ?ur children bring us incredible 2oy.
*et, there are times that they can bring out the anger in us. #t is helpful to identify the things that pro&oke
your anger so you can make positi&e changes in your household.
$hat sets you off8
5ost parents get angry o&er issues that are insignificant in the grand scheme of life, yet happen on such a
regular basis that they become blown out of proportion. /ome of the most common parenting issues that
trigger anger are whining, temper tantrums, sibling bickering, and non"cooperation. !etermine which
beha&iors most bother you and set about making a plan to correct each problem that sets off your anger.
Notice your hot spots
#n addition to triggers, there are Rhot spotsR in the day when anger more easily rises to the surface. These
are typically times when family members are tired, hungry or stressed. These emotions lea&e us more
&ulnerable to anger. This can happen in the early morning, before naptime, before meals, or at bedtime. *ou
may also encounter situations when misbeha&ior increases, and so does your anger' grocery shopping,
playdates, or family &isits, for e0ample.
.et a plan
!etermine if there are things you can do differently to ward off some of the issues that spark your anger. For
e0ample, if the morning rush brings stress, you can prepare things the night before' set out clothing, pack
lunches, collect shoes. Then create a Rmorning posterR that outlines the daily routine step"by"step. #f you find
that tempers are shorter in the hour before dinner, set out healthy appeti1ers, enlist the kids' help in
preparing dinner, get the kids in&ol&ed in a craft acti&ity, or plan an earlier meal time.
Ta)e positive action
!oing things the way you'&e always done them and e0pecting different results only lea&es you frustrated and
angry. #nstead, identify your anger triggers and take action to change things for the better.
*earn somethin! new
?nce you'&e identified a problem, consider se&eral options for sol&ing it. Qot down possible alternati&es on
paper, or talk it o&er with another adult. 6ead through a few parenting books and check the inde0es for your
topic. >isit an online parenting chat group or posting board. There's no reason for you to make decisions in a
&acuum B # guarantee that the problems you are dealing with are common and there are lots of sources for
solutions.
"e fle0i/le
Anger is not something that can be dealt with once and then will go away. *our children grow and change,
and new issues appear. From time to time take a fresh look at the issues that create negati&e emotions in
your family and take action to change things for the better.
*et love help
And, finally, at times of anger, hold on to the feeling of lo&e that is the foundation of your relationship with
your child. Take time e&ery day to bask in the 2oy of being a parent. Take time to play, talk and listen. 4ug,
kiss and cuddle your child often. (hen you build up this foundation of positi&e lo&e and emotions you will
find yourself less likely to e0perience intense anger.
Teens and >iolence re&ention
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Kpdated on 5ay 8;, :CCA
arents and others who care for young people can help them learn to deal with emotions without using
&iolence. Because &iolence results from conflicts between people, it can be pre&ented by learning non&iolent
ways to control anger and sol&e problems. Teaching your teen, through words and actions, that &iolence is
ne&er an acceptable form of beha&ior is &ery important. The tips pro&ided here can help you.
7uic) Facts
Almost 8J million teens ha&e witnessed some form of &iolent assault.
About one in eight people murdered in the Knited /tates each year are younger than 8H years of
age.
6esearch shows a link between &iolent tele&ision programs and aggressi&e beha&ior in teens who
watch those programs.
5ost in2uries and &iolent deaths occur between people who know each other.
#f there is &iolence in your family, it increases the risk of your teen becoming in&ol&ed in future
&iolence.
A gun in the home is more likely to be used to kill a family member or friend than to kill an intruder.
Tips for #arents
8. /tart talking about ways to reduce or eliminate &iolence.
Team up with other parents and get in&ol&ed in your communityL 2oin your neighbors in
acti&ities to reduce &iolence.
Talk to your teen about ways to sol&e arguments and fights without weapons or &iolence.
Ad&ise your teen to talk to you or a trusted adult to a&oid potentially &iolent situations.
#f you suspect a problem with your teen, start talking about it.
:. 5onitor the media.
Dimit the amount of tele&ision your teen watches to 8 to : hours a day Eincluding music
&ideos and &ideo gamesF.
!o not allow your teen to watch &iolent mo&ies or T> programs.
#f something &iolent comes on the T>, talk about what is wrong with the program and how the
situation could ha&e been handled in a non&iolent way.
;. Be a role model by handling problems in non&iolent ways.
!on't hit your teen. 5odel non"physical solutions to problem sol&ing.
Count to 8C. Cool off. #f you can't control your anger, tell your teen you need some time to
get your thoughts and feelings under control.
roblem sol&e with your teen. Think together about options and conse,uences for beha&iors.
/et limits, make sure your teen knows the rules and conse,uences, and follow through.
!on't carry a gun. This sends a message to your teen that using guns sol&es problems.
<. 6educe the threat of gun"related &iolence to your teen.
5ake certain your teen does not ha&e access to guns. #f you ha&e a gun, remo&e it from your
home or store it unloaded and locked up. Dock and store bullets separately.
Tell your teen to stay away from potentially dangerous situations and from guns in homes of
friends or places where he or she may &isit or play.
3eep in mind that teens don't always follow the rules. Also, teens are attracted to guns and
see guns as symbols of power. /ince you can't always count on teens to stay away from guns,
you ha&e to keep guns away from them.
=. 4elp your teen deal with anger.
Anger is a normal feeling. Anger does not ha&e to be bad if it is e0pressed appropriately.
Teach your teen that it is okay to be angry, but it's not okay to throw a punch.
eople must control their anger before they can control a situation.
/ometimes counseling is necessary to help teens deal with their anger appropriately.
.teps your teen can ta)e to avoid violence or in1ury
8. 6ecogni1e situations or e&ents that are likely to escalate into &iolence.
:. /top whate&er you are doing and count to 8C backward. This will help you think about your feelings
before they get out of control.
;. #f you can't control your anger, get away. Take a time out.
<. Think about the options and conse,uences of your actions. For e0ample, hitting someone could
result in suspension from school or in2ury.
=. #f necessary, get help from a third party to sol&e differences.
J. Cool off. 5ake sure you are calm and then talk to the person.
G. Disten carefully to the other person's opinion.
H. Be asserti&e, not aggressi&e. /tand up for your ideals. Begin e&ery sentence with R#R For e0ample' R#
feel this way...R or R# don't like it when...R
A. Be willing to admit and be responsible for something you may ha&e done wrong.
8C. 6espond with your 4EA!, not your fists, threats, or weapons.
4elping *oung Children Cope (ith Frustration
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reschool
!e&elopmental 5ilestones Ages : to ;
arenting

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By Disa 5edoff
Kpdated on !ec 8C, :C8C
?ne of the best lessons that you can help your young child learn o&er the years is how to cope with
frustration. As they mo&e through school, children will be asked to do increasingly challenging tasks that are
at or beyond the limits of their capabilitiesL they will ine&itably encounter frustration, both in academic and
social arenas. #n fact, the gulf between successful and unsuccessful children will not necessarily arise due to
differences in intelligence and skills, but rather due to differences in ability to handle setbacks and persist in
the face of frustration.
reschool children do not ha&e &ery much e0perience dealing with frustration, as all of their needs ha&e
always been met by their caregi&ers. They ha&en't yet ac,uired all of the language skills that they need to
e0press themsel&es &erbally, and they also lack the brain de&elopment that enables adults to label and
regulate emotions and how those emotions are e0pressed. #n order for children to de&elop both the &erbal
and socialSemotional skills that they need, it's important that they be encounter situations that in&ol&e a
small, manageable amount of frustration.
reschoolers can get easily o&erwhelmed, and need a lot of assistance in terms of breaking down problems
into manageable parts, a key step in handling frustrating situations. Children that do not learn how to deal
with frustration early in life may encounter later problems, such as lack of confidence, an0iety, anger, trouble
with friends, and difficulty trying new things. #f they do not know how to tolerate and cope with frustration,
children will always e0pect others to sol&e their problems and will gi&e up in the face of the first sign of
difficulty. 4ere are some tips for helping your child cope with frustration'
&eep calm. (hen you see your child become frustrated, try not to mirror that frustration in your own
&oice or beha&iors. #nstead, focus on staying calm and talking your child through the situation in a gentle
&oice, guiding her to mirror you. Acknowledge that she is frustrated, but stress the importance of
continuing to try to do something that she finds difficult.
.et challen!es. Dook for opportunities to challenge your children. 6outinely ask them to do things
that are slightly beyond what they ha&e been capable of doing in the past. !o not 2ump in to help
them. #f you see them struggling, instead of immediately helping, try to prompt them by offering hints to
make the situation easier. #f they are really ha&ing difficulty and do not seem to be making any progress
after a few minutes, break the task down into small steps. #f necessary, guide them through or e&en do
the first step for them, and then back off again. *our child should be hearing the following phrase ,uite
often' $Try it yourself first and if you can+t do it, then #+ll help you get started.%
$ait for it. 4elp your child learn the important skill of delaying gratification. reschool children do
not yet ha&e the brain de&elopment or e0perience to effecti&ely cope when they ha&e to wait for what
they want, so you ha&e to gi&e them practice de&eloping this skill. As much as it is practically possible,
ha&e them wait for what they want, e&en if it's 2ust for a minute or two. Talk to them about how to distract
themsel&es while they are waiting for something.
3ncoura!e independence. 5ake sure that your child is gi&en many opportunities to play with other
children in situations where close adult super&ision is not re,uired. Adults should be responsible for
ensuring children+s safety, but other than that, try to let children work out problems among
themsel&es. (hen children play independently, they learn how to deal with frustration in ways other than
letting adults sol&e their problems.
Foster effective communication. !o not teach your child that e0pressing frustration
inappropriately, such as through screaming or hitting, is a good way to get your attention, e&en if it is
negati&e attention. #gnore these beha&iors if they're not causing serious harm, and gi&e lots of positi&e
attention for times when your child handles a potentially frustrating situation in a healthy manner. oint
out specifically what she did effecti&ely.
Rely on routine. 3eep your child+s world as predictable and routine as possible. #f children feel
confident and secure in general, they will be able to handle minor setbacks and frustrations.
Tal) with the teacher. Kse your child+s preschool teacher as a resource. Ask for suggestions about
how the preschool deals with frustration in children in general, as well as for specific tips about helping
your own child. The more that you can be consistent with what the preschool is doing, the easier it will
be for your child to internali1e the lessons that you are both trying to teach.
"e a role model. (hen something irritates you, tell your child what you are feeling so he can learn
to recogni1e emotions in others and label them in himself. Then talk yourself through the frustration so
that your child can hear you telling yourself things such as, $6ela0 and take a few deep breaths,% $#t+s
okay, # can deal with this,% or $This is really not that big of a deal. # need to calm down.% Any time you
encounter frustration while in the presence of your child, imagine that he will replicate your e0act
beha&ior e&ery single time he is frustrated for the rest of his lifeOso proceed carefully7 Take care not to
raise your &oice too loudly, be rude to others, or lash out physically. #f you do any of these things, don+t
be too hard on yourself, but make sure to tell your child that you made a mistake beha&ing in that way
and need to make a better choice ne0t time
#t can take a long time to de&elop the right skills for coping with frustration, but you can guide your child in
the right direction so that e&entually he will learn how to manage each challenging situation on his own. *our
child+s ability to handle frustration during the preschool years will form a foundation for how he will cope with
difficulty for the rest of his life. Dearning how to handle challenges is an incredibly important skill that will help
promote success not only in academics, but also in interpersonal relationships of e&ery kind.
G Things )o ?ne Told *ou About arenting
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arenting and Families
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By Qae Curtis
Kpdated on ?ct :H, :C8:
(hether you'&e 2ust seen that e0tra line appear on the pregnancy test, you're battling the sleep"depri&ed first
few months of parenthood or you're the proud mama of a preschooler, it's all the same. arenting has the
potential to surprise you at e&ery turn. *ou might ha&e e&en tried to prep yourself for parenting by reading
books and articles on the sub2ect, but honestly, there are some things that no one e0plains to you about
parenting.
9. All your plans !o out the window. Ah, the childlessOthey ha&e it all figured out before they e&en ha&e
kids. ?nly a true parent knows that all those carefully laid plans for being the perfect parent go out the
window when you're in the ballgame. *ou might ha&e promised yourself that your child would ne&er ha&e a
dirty shirt, but there he is, face"deep in a melted chocolate bar. *ou might ha&e smirked that your kid would
ha&e perfect manners, yet he's the one howling in the grocery store.
C. &ids are the real teachers. Child psychiatrist Qoseph /hrand notes a lesson he learned while parenting
his own four kids. R?ur kids will indeed train us if we can remain open to learning about who they are, not
who we wish they were,R he says. Rarents may think they need to teach kids to conform, adapt and play
nice. But when a kid is &alued for who they are, all of those things fall into place. The lesson # ha&e learned
is let your kids be the teachers to make us the best parents we can be.R
D. %ou'll never sleep the same a!ain. 6emember those blissful nights of the single life, when you were
able to go to sleep whene&er, wake up whene&er and not wake up in between9 *eah, us too. Being a parent
means surrendering your sleep schedule fore&er. From the sleepless nights of babyhood to the interrupted
sleep when your school"age child has a nightmare, it's best to set the record straight at the start' *ou'll be
sleep"depri&ed for the ne0t 8H years of your life.
;. %ou'll ma)e mista)es. )o parent is perfect, no matter how many times one has bragged about it at
playgroup. 5aking mistakes is par for the course when it comes to raising tiny human beings. But clinical
psychologist Qulia /imens thinks mistakes make all the difference. RThe interactions between parents and
their young children are full of disruptions, miscommunication and misunderstandings. This is the reality of
all of our li&es,R she says. RThese moments are special e&en if they are 'worse' moments because it means
you and your child are connecting and making memories of each other.R Condensed &ersion9 !on't beat
yourself up about that time you lost your cool after hearing R(hy9R asked for the A;rd time.
G. >ross stuff will ma)e up your daily life. arenting is not for the weak of heart or stomach. Bodily fluids
and functions all become normal con&ersation fodder between moms. (et diapers9 )o biggie. oop
blowouts9 Child's play. Boogers9 Bring it. E&en if you were s,ueamish before ha&ing kids, that hesitance
goes out the window, along with your pri&acy in the bathroom, non"kid"centric con&ersations and the ability
to stay awake while reading a book.
=. 2t's hard to !et plu!!ed in. 6ick /mith, a parenting writer who runs the blog 'oah#s ad, says he didn't
reali1e how hard it would be to unplug until he had kids. RAs a new parent # was surprised by how hard it
was, and is, for me to unplug from my gadgets and plug in to my family,R he says. R5ore times than #'d like to
admit, # find myself cuddling with my :C"month"old in one hand, and sneaking a peek at my ihone inbo0 in
the other. ?ur children shouldn't ha&e to feel like they are competing against our gadgets for our attention.R
L. &ids chan!e. (hen you're chasing a cra1ed ;"year"old around storytime at the library, you're probably
also thinking that you'll one day ha&e to send him to military school. But belie&e it or not, one of the greatest
misconceptions about parenting is that you'll parent the same kid through adulthood. Cra1y ;"year"olds can
become sweet teens. /notty teens can later become thoughtful adults. (hen it comes to parenting, most of
the worst stuff is 2ust a phase.
#n short9 arenting is the best 2ob ... e&er. )o, you don't get paid and if you're looking for gratitude, you're
probably barking up the wrong tree. !id we mention that the boss can be a real tyrant sometimes9 But being
a parent is the most rewarding, ama1ing, frustrating, happy, e0citing, upsetting and confusing 2ob you'll e&er
undertake. 5oral of the story9 *ou'll lo&e e&ery drool"filled, tickle"fighting, cookie"s,uishing moment of it.
(hy doesn't anyone e&er tell you that9
Fostering Beliefs and >alue /tructures in Children
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By C. BarbourY).4. BarbourY.A. /cully
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on ?ct :=, :C8C
All families ha&e commitments, &alues, and priorities. /ome of these sentiments are e0plicit and well
defined, but often many are only implied, and this is especially true for marginali1ed families E@arbarino W
Abramowit1, 8AA:F. /ome family &alues and goals are more immediate and are often e0pressed as wishes
or $as what we are trying to do.% /ome families ha&e both long"range goals and those planned for a limited
period of time, whereas other families are able only to plan from one day to the ne0t.
A number of writers point out that children+s attitudes, beliefs, and &alues resemble those of their parents
EColes, 8AAGL @oleman, 8AA=L /carf, 8AAAF, but all allow that schools and communities e0tend these
considerably. Educating about stealing, lying, and disorderly conduct is normal for most families, although
the instruction can take different forms. /ome parents teach morals and &alues through intimidation and
punishment, whereas others approach the challenge by e0plaining children+s problems and the impact of
one+s actions on others. The latter approach results in stronger de&elopment of conscience and internal
control E/adker W /adker, :CC=F. Families who focus on &alues, morals, and attitudes characteri1ed by
modeling beha&iors, reasoning through solutions, and labeling the beha&ior when seen in public Esee
Figure F gi&e children a much"needed sense of purpose and direction in their li&es.
(hate&er the organi1ational structure of the family, children absorb these &alues and goals and their role in
accomplishing them. As children grow older and other e&ents happen to families, such as the birth of a child
with e0ceptionalities, what children learn about themsel&es can be &astly different and can be ,uite contrary
to school or the societal e0pectations of families. The following &ignette shows one family+s approach" a
strongly goal"oriented one by societal e0pectations. The second &ignette demonstrates how this family
adapted its e0pectations after the birth of a child with !own syndrome.
%very morning $efore her children left for school, Mrs. Martine: wished each child a good day in !panish.
!he would remind each of strongly held family principles. !he then as&ed each child to ma&e a small
commitment for the day. !tudying hard, practicing the piano, or improving at shooting $as&ets were
accepta$le goals. At dinner one evening when the family shared accomplishments and worries, JosI told his
family he wasn<t going to read with 8ouie Ja child with a learning disa$ility in his classK anymore $ecause
8ouie was @6ust too hard to deal with.A 2he older $rothers and sisters sympathi:ed with JosI, $ut they also
reminded him of the ways they had read to him when he was little. Mrs. Martine: hugged JosI hard a few
days later when he told her, @+<m going to read with 8ouie. + found out yesterday he can read lots of words if
you start them out and whisper the real hard ones.A
#n the 5artine1 family, the mother was a strong and dominant influence. /he belie&ed in goal setting and
certain family &alues and made them clear and e0plicit for her children.
(hether &alues and goals are stated each day, written, or merely implied, notions of ha&ing purpose and
direction in one+s life are modeled and communicated to children. /uch strong purposes can help a family
ad2ust and adapt to an une0pected e&ent as the 5artine1 family e0perienced.
At the end of Qos]+s third"grade year, 5anuela, a child with !own syndrome, was born to the 5artine1
family. Qos] was thankful for his earlier school e0periences with Douie, for they helped him and his family as
they weathered the many and dramatic effects of this e&ent. The strong sense of unity in the family allowed
them to ad2ust their li&es so that all shared in the responsibilities for this child. Qos] always came home on
Tuesdays to help his mother. 4e was faithful to his task and en2oyed watching 5anuela de&elop. The
following &ignette demonstrates how one strong family helped the school to change its policies and also
helped their child cope with conflicting e0pectations.
;ne 2uesday, JosI<s teacher informed the class they would all have to stay after school $ecause of their
rowdiness. JosI, greatly dismayed, tried to explain to her why he couldn<t, then wal&ed out of school and
went home. His mother was $oth pleased and dismayed, for she had received a phone call from the office,
telling her a$out the event. 1hen JosI explained that he hadn<t $een rowdy and he couldn<t let his mother
down, the two of them $egan to wor& out plans for communicating their needs to the school personnel. Mrs.
Martine: then called the school to ma&e an early-morning appointment with the teacher and principal. At this
meeting, many important changes $etween home and this family $egan to ta&e shape. 0esides $eing a step
that ena$led the teacher and principal to reevaluate how they wor&ed with families< changing needs, Mrs.
Martine: showed JosI how, $y $eing proactive, she could ma&e things happen.
5ost families ha&e e0pectations for their children to undertake responsibilities within the home. /ome
responsibilities may be e0plicit, and others implicit. #n some families, the responsibilities are fairly consistent
with changes being negotiated, but in others they may be hapha1ard and e&en confusing to children. They
may be communicated in dictatorial fashion, e0plained reasonably, or e0pected to be learned through
obser&ation. As with Qos] in the &ignettes 2ust described, changing family circumstances and e0pectations
can affect children+s beha&ior in schools.
At times, home e0pectations can be in conflict with school e0pectations. Children can+t always e0press or
e0plain conflicting &alues. (hen this happens, children become caught in the middle. #n the preceding
&ignette, parents were able to handle the situation and seek school support. #n other families, negati&e
attitudes can result in poor school and family relationships, with which both parents and schools must
struggle. #f you are to support the growth of all children in your community center or classroom, you must
recogni1e that children and their families come with different skills, &alues, and circumstances.
30tended Family Fosters Roles and Rituals
#n many families, parents garner emotional support from the e0tended family, and in some cases, they
recei&e economic support as well. E0tended family members may li&e close by, or they may li&e at some
distance but still ha&e strong ties. #n addition to teaching about role e0pectations and hierarchical structures,
the e0tended family helps children absorb the traditions and rituals of the larger group. An interesting
e0ample of such learning is told by ?ladele E8AAAF as she e0plains how her mother, during the daily
routines, taught her academics and spirituality and also about her African heritage. 4er grandparents also
influenced and reinforced this learning, beginning with a ritual of listening to her Bible &erse recitations.
Celebrations are often a time when children learn about who they are, as e0tended members share the
rituals and customs of their particular culture. Children in bicultural homes often ha&e &ery different
e0periences, especially when both sets of the e0tended family share holidays with the nuclear family. /ila, in
the &ignette that follows, is the child of a European"American father, !an, and a Turkish mother, )ara,
whose own family members are practicing 5uslims. )ara no longer obser&es religious practice, but /ila is
introduced to the 5uslim faith through &isits from e0tended family members.
!even-year-old !ila is excited a$out the upcoming holidays, $ecause $oth %aster and 7ur$an 0ayram are
$eing cele$rated close together. (reg, her father<s $rother, will $e 6oining them for %aster wee&, and as he
does every year, will help her dye %aster eggs, ta&e her shopping, and on %aster !unday will help her hunt
for %aster eggs on the church lawn. !ila is only $eginning to understand that %aster wee& is a$out Christ<s
crucifixion and has $egun to as& questions such as @1hy was Jesus &illed/ id $ad people &ill him/A
2hough her father tries to explain, !ila is anxious for ,ncle (reg<s answer.
2hen, at the end of the month, her mother<s sister, 0ilge, will 6oin them to cele$rate 7ur$an 0ayram. !ila will
not wear her new %aster hat or dress during this time, $ut instead will wear a special head scarf. 2he family
will then go to the Muslim mar&et to $uy a lam$ and have it &illed in some special way, !ila $elieves,
although she isn<t quite sure how. 8ast year, her aunt explained that they &ept only a small part of the lam$
for coo&ing. !he will need to as& a$out the lam$ again this year. 2hough they have no relatives in the
Muslim community in the city, Aunt 0ilge and her mother will ta&e her to visit the mosque. !he does
remem$er Aunt 0ilge telling her that Mohammad was the great prophet in the Muslim faith, as Jesus was in
the Christian faith. !he wondered if they were friends. !he would certainly as& her Aunt 0ilge this time.
#n some families, both sets of e0tended family members ha&e e,ual access to the nuclear family, then the
customs and habits children learn from these members are of e,ual importance. Because family structures
differ howe&er, what children learn from the e0tended family depends on the influence these relati&es ha&e
on the nuclear family EBerns, :CCJF. The e0tended family e0pands the home curriculum by sharing its own
&alues and interaction patterns. (hen e0tended family members work out the cultural differences and
&alues of the others, children like /ila will learn how to sol&e the problems or confusions that arise because
of these differences.
?ther Forms of arent #n&ol&ement
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#arents As Teachers
Typically de&eloping children learn many skills that children with disabilities do not learn without systematic
instruction. For children with disabilities, the casual routines of e&eryday life at home and in the community
may not pro&ide enough practice and feedback to teach them important skills. 5any parents of e0ceptional
children ha&e responded to this challenge by systematically teaching their children self"help and daily li&ing
skills or by pro&iding home"based academic tutoring to supplement classroom instruction.
arents can ser&e as effecti&e teachers for their children, a conclusion supported by numerous research
studies and parent in&ol&ement pro2ects in which parents ha&e successfully taught their children at home
Ee.g., Barbetta W 4eron, 8AA8L Deach W /iddall, 8AA:L Thurston W !asta, 8AACF. 6esearch shows that
parents can enhance the de&elopment of children with disabilities by teaching them at home Ee.g., Baker,
8AHAL !elaney W 3aiser, :CC8L /nell W Beckman"Brindley, 8AH<L (edel W Fowler, 8AH<F. And the ma2ority of
parents who participate in systematic home tutoring programs organi1ed by their child+s school describe it as
a positi&e e0perience for them and their children. A mother and father wrote' $(e really en2oyed teaching 5.
to tell time, and he en2oyed working with us. 4e learned so ,uickly and we were so happy and proud to see
the progress he was making. (e ha&e two other children. !oing this program allowed us to spend time
alone with 5.% E!onley W (illiams, 8AAG, p. =CF.
Ksually, if parents wish to tutor their children at home, they can and should be helped to do so. roperly
conducted, home"based parent tutoring strengthens a child+s educational program and gi&es en2oyment to
both child and parent. @uidelines for home"based parent tutoring include the following EBowen, ?lympia, W
Qensen, 8AAJL 4udson W 5iller, 8AA;F'
3eep sessions short. Aim for 8=" to :C"minute sessions ; or < days per week.
5ake the e0perience positi&e. arents should praise the child+s attempts.
3eep responses to the child consistent. By praising the child+s successful responses Ematerials and
acti&ities at the child+s appropriate instructional le&el are a mustF and pro&iding a consistent,
unemotional response to errors Ee.g., $Det+s read that word again, together%F, parents can a&oid the
frustration and negati&e results that can occur when home tutoring is mishandled.
Kse tutoring to practice and e0tend skills already learned in school. For e0ample, use spelling or
&ocabulary words from school as the ,uestions or items for an adapted board game E(esson, (ilson, W
4igbee 5andelbaum, 8AHHF.
3eep a record. arents, like classroom teachers, can ne&er know the e0act effects of their teaching
unless they keep records. A daily record enables both parents and child to see gradual progress that
might be missed if sub2ecti&e opinion is the only basis for e&aluation. 5ost children do make progress
under guided instruction, and a record documents that progress, perhaps pro&iding the parent with an
opportunity to see the child in a new and positi&e light.
#t is important for professionals to consider carefully to what e0tent parent tutoring is appropriate. )ot all
parents want to teach their children at home or ha&e the time to learn and use the necessary teaching skills
Oand professionals must not interpret that situation as an indication that parents do not care enough about
their children. Teachers must not assume that parents who choose not to participate in home teaching
programs are uninterested in their children. /ome parents may choose not to do home tutoring because
they feel it may compete with other acti&ities in the home and negati&ely affect their family+s o&erall ,uality of
life Earette W etch"4ogan, :CCCF.
For specific programs and techni,ues teachers can use to help parents who do wish to tutor their children at
home, see Bowen et al. E8AAJF and 5iller, Barbetta, and 4eron E8AA<F. For suggestions for supporting
parents who want to help their children with homework and study skills, see atton, Qayanthi, and olloway
E:CC8FL Qensen, /heridan, ?lympia, and Andrews E8AA<FL and Duckner E8AA<F.
#arent 3ducation and .upport >roups
Education for parenting is not newL programs date back to the early 8HCCs. But as a result of greater parent
in&ol&ement in the education of children with disabilities, many more programs are offered for and by
parents. arent groups can ser&e a &ariety of purposes' from one"time"only dissemination of information on
a new school policy, to make"it"and"take"it workshops in which parents make instructional materials to use at
home Ee.g., a math facts practice gameF, to multiple"session programs on #ES#F/ planning or beha&ior
support strategies.
There is consistent agreement in the parent education literature on the importance of in&ol&ing parents in
planning and, whene&er possible, actually conducting parent groups E3roth W Edge, 8AAGL Turnbull W
Turnbull, :CCJF. To determine what parents want from a parent program, educators should use both open
and closed needs"assessment procedures. An open needs assessment consists of ,uestions like these'
The best family time for my child is when we [[[[[[[[[[[.
# will ne&er forget the time that my child and # [[[[[[[[[[[.
(hen # take my child to the store, # am concerned that she will [[[[[[[[[[[.
The hardest thing about ha&ing a special child is [[[[[[[[[[[.
# wish # knew more about [[[[[[[[[[[.
A closed needs assessment asks parents to choose, from a list of possibilities, topics they would like to learn
more about. For e0ample, educators can gi&e parents a list of topics Ee.g., bedtime beha&ior, interactions
with siblings, homework, making friends, planning for the futureF and ask them to check any item that is
something of a problem and circle any topics that are of ma2or concern or interest.
Bailey and /imeonsson E8AHHF ha&e de&eloped a family"needs sur&ey consisting of ;= items organi1ed into
si0 categories Ee.g., information, support, finances, family functioningF. Because they ha&e obtained different
profiles of responses for mothers and fathers, they recommend that both mothers and fathers complete the
sur&ey. They also recommend combining open"ended ,uestions with an o&erall assessment of family needs.
They simply ask parents to list on a piece of paper their fi&e greatest needs as a family. By e0amining the
results of needs"assessment ,uestionnaires, parents and professionals together can plan parent education
groups that respond to families+ real needs.
#arent to #arent >roups
arent to arent programs help parents of children with special needs become reliable allies for one another
E/antelli, oyadue, W *oung, :CC8F. The programs gi&e parents of children with disabilities the opportunity to
recei&e support from a &eteran parent who has e0perienced or still is e0periencing similar circumstances
and challenges. #t carefully matches trained and e0perienced parents in a one"to"one relationship with
parents who ha&e been newly referred to the program. $Because the two parents share so many common
disability and family e0periences, an immediacy of understanding is typically present in the match. This
makes the informational and emotional support from the &eteran parents all the more meaningful% E/antelli et
al., 8AAG, p. G<F. The first arent to arent program, called ilot arents, was formed in 8AG8 by the parent
of a young child with !own syndrome in ?maha, )ebraska. Today, there are more than ==C acti&e local
arent to arent groups and :A statewide programs.
#arents As Research #artners
6esearchers in special education are concerned about the social &alidity of their studies E/chwart1 W Baer,
8AA8F. Are they in&estigating socially significant &ariables9 Are the methods used to change student
performance acceptable9 !id the changes obser&ed make any real difference in the child+s life9 (ho better
than parents can identify meaningful outcomes, obser&e and measure performance in the home and
community, and let researchers know if their ideas and findings ha&e any real &alidity9
A model research"partnership program conducted at the Fred /. 3eller /chool in )ew *ork embraces
parents as full partners in conducting action research with their children. $The parents are the scientists, and
they conduct empirical studies under the super&ision of the schools+ parent educators% E!onley W (illiams,
8AAG, p. <JF. arents are assisted in the de&elopment of their research pro2ects by their child+s teachers,
other parents, and a paid parent educator. The e0perience culminates with a poster session presentation at
the end of the school year during which the parent"scientists display the academic, social, and affecti&e
gains achie&ed by their children. !onley and (illiams recogni1e that some school programs do not ha&e the
resources to hire a parent educator. They pro&ide se&eral suggestions for schools with more limited
resources to appro0imate their model.
3ay and Fit1gerald E8AAGF belie&e that collaborati&e action research pro2ects foster closer bonds between
teachers and parents and pro&ide parents with the satisfaction of knowing what works with their child and
why. They recommend that parents participate in action research by helping brainstorm research ,uestions,
collect performance data on their children, and share the outcomes with other parents and teachers. 3ay
and Fit1gerald recogni1e that in&ol&ing parents in home"based research e0periences can, at times, be
o&erwhelmingL but they &iew the benefits as far outweighing the disad&antages. (hether the parents
participate as paid or &olunteer members of a research team, they are in&ol&ed in collecting performance
data on their children, talking about these data on a regular basis with other parents, and displaying them in
an informal and supporti&e en&ironment at the end of the year E!onley W (illiams, 8AAGF.
'ow uch #arent 2nvolvement8
#t is easy to get carried away with a good concept, especially one like parent and family in&ol&ement, which
has so much promise for positi&e outcomes. But teachers and e&eryone else in&ol&ed in pro&iding special
education ser&ices to children with disabilities must not take a one"sided, unidirectional &iew of parent
in&ol&ement. /ometimes the time and energy re,uired for parents to participate in home"based tutoring
programs or parent education groups cause stress among family members or guilt if the parents cannot fulfill
teachers+ e0pectations ECallahan, 6ademacher, W 4ildreth, 8AAHL Turnbull W Turnbull, :CCJF. The time
re,uired to pro&ide additional help to a child with disabilities may take too much time and attention away
from other family members Earette W etch"4ogan, :CCCF.
3roth and Edge E8AAGF describe the mirror model for parent in&ol&ement which recogni1es that parents ha&e
a great deal to offer as well as a need to recei&e ser&ices from special educators. The model attempts to
gi&e parents an e,ual part in deciding what ser&ices they need and what ser&ices they might pro&ide to
professionals or other parents. The top half of the model assumes that professionals ha&e certain
information, knowledge, and skills that should be shared with parents to help them with their children. The
bottom half of the model assumes that parents ha&e information, knowledge, and skills that can help
professionals be more effecti&e in assisting children. The model assumes that not all parents need
e&erything that professionals ha&e to offer and that no parent should be e0pected to pro&ide e&erything. All
parents should be e0pected to pro&ide and obtain information, most will be acti&e participants in #E
planning, and fewer will participate in or contribute to workshops and e0tended parent education groups.
@ay arenting
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@ay families include gay or lesbian partners who may ha&e adopted children, concei&ed through donor
insemination, or are raising their children from a pre&ious heterose0ual relationship. Children raised in gay
and lesbian families commonly ha&e ongoing contact with their nonresident parents EBerger, :CC8F. For
e0ample, in a longitudinal British study of lesbian households, children raised by lesbian mothers had more
postseparation contact with their fathers than did children raised by heterose0ual mothers ETasker W
@olombok, 8AAGF. #n addition, children often &iewed their mother+s female partner as an added member of
their family constellation rather than as a competitor to their fathers. #n contrast, children raised by single"
parent or di&orced heterose0ual mothers often resisted their mothers+ new male partners becoming father
figures, especially if their biological fathers were still in contact with them E@olombok, 5acCallum, @oodman,
W 6utter, :CC:L 4are W 6ichards, 8AA;F.
?&erall, the picture emerging from o&er two decades of research on children raised in lesbian and gay
families confirms that the se0ual orientation of parents is not a factor in child outcomes. For e0ample, no
differences ha&e been found in children raised by lesbian mothers or gay fathers on measures of
psychological ad2ustment compared to children raised by heterose0ual parents E/tacey W Bilbar1, :CC8L
/tacey W !a&enport, :CC:L see also @olombok W Tasker, 8AAJF. 4ow children in lesbian"mother families feel
about their mothers+ relationships and their family identities also does not differ from children raised by
heterose0ual mothers ETasker W @olombok, 8AAGF.
(hat is the 6ole of Attachment9
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?ne of the most important items that any child carries with him is his relationship with his primary caregi&er.
This person is usually his mother but may also be his father, grandmother, or someone else entirely. This
&ery first relationship is the basis for his relationship with you.
(hat we know about early relationships really began with Qohn Bowlby, whose ideas are so much a part of
our thinking today that it+s hard to imagine how re&olutionary they seemed 2ust =C years ago. (hile studying
children who had been separated from their parents at a young age, the British psychoanalyst came to
belie&e that a baby+s relationship with his closest caregi&ers plays a key role in de&elopment. #nfants are
emotional beings who naturally form strong bonds with their parents, Bowlby recogni1ed, and the way those
special adults interact with their baby wields a powerful influence on how he turns out EAinsworth et al.,
8AGHL Bowlby, 8AJAS8AH:F.
Bowlby EAinsworth et al., 8AGHL Bowlby, 8AJAS8AH:F reali1ed that human infants, like other animal species,
are born with instincti&e beha&iors that help them to sur&i&e. Acts such as crying, smiling, &ocali1ing,
grasping, and clinging keep babies close to their primary caregi&ers, who protect them from predators, feed
and soothe them, and teach them about their en&ironment. These attachment beha&iors, as Bowlby
EAinsworth et al., 8AGHL Bowlby, 8AJAS8AH:F called them, help to create attachmentOchildren+s &ital
emotional tie to their primary caregi&er or attachment figure. )ature e,uips attachment figures with their own
innate and complementary beha&iorsOsoothing, calling, restraining, for instanceOthat also ser&e to keep
babies safe and cement the bond between mother and child EAinsworth et al., 8AGHF.
#n pioneering studies in the 8A=Cs and 8AJCs, American psychologist 5ary Ainsworth EAinsworth et al.,
8AGHF confirmed Bowlby+s theory by documenting for the first time the emotional impact of parents+ e&eryday
beha&ior on their children. #n Kganda and then in Baltimore, Ainsworth meticulously obser&ed mothers and
babies at home o&er the first year of life. /he watched the process of attachment unfold as the babies came
to recogni1e, prefer, seek out, and become attached to their primary caregi&er.
These obser&ations enabled Ainsworth to make a critical disco&ery' A baby+s sense of security depends on
how his attachment figure cares for him. !uring the first year of life an infant e&ol&es an attachment strategy
Oa way to organi1e feelings and beha&iorOthat is tailor"made for coping with his own uni,ue caregi&ing
situation. The strategy he de&elops is the one that will deal best with his particular stressful circumstances
and negati&e emotions and bring him the most security and comfort possible E&an #Q1endoorn, /chuengel,
and Bakermans"3ranenburg, 8AAAL (einfeld et al., 8AAAF. All attachment strategies are normal, adapti&e,
and functionalL the trouble is that what works best within the child+s family may not work outside it
E@reenberg, !e3lyen, /pelt1, and Endriga, 8AAGF.
The .tran!e .ituation
#n Kganda, Ainsworth EAinsworth et al., 8AGHF obser&ed that babies in unthreatening situations used their
mother as a secure base from which to e0plore their en&ironment, at ease as long as they could connect to
her with a touch or a smile. (hen they felt stressedOif their mother left the room, for e0ampleOtheir
attachment beha&iors kicked in and sent them searching for her reassurance. But in Baltimore, where
mothers and infants didn+t spend as much time together, babies e0plored more freely and didn+t seem to
mind when their mothers came and went. !id secure"base beha&ior e0ist in )orth America, Ainsworth
wondered9 To find out, she de&ised the /trange /ituation EAinsworth et al., 8AGHF, a :C"minute laboratory
procedure for 8:"month"old babies and their mothers that appro0imates real"life e&ents. #n eight short
episodes, the mother lea&es and returns twice, gradually increasing the baby+s stress.
The procedure demonstrated that )orth American babies do indeed display secure"base beha&ior, but it
showed much more' The /trange /ituation illuminated the whole field of attachment by re&ealing two types
of attachment that had not been apparent in the home setting E3aren, 8AAHF.
As Ainsworth EAinsworth et al., 8AGHF e0pected, babies who were securely attached played
comfortably with the toys in the laboratory, became upset when their mother left, and greeted her
eagerly on her return, warmly accepting comfort from her.
But infants who were unhappy at homeOwho cried angrily, clung to their mothers, and therefore
seemed insecurely Eor an0iouslyF attachedOfell into two distinct categories in the laboratory
EAinsworth et al., 8AGHL (einfeld, /roufe, Egeland, and Carlson, 8AAAF. /ome stayed at their
mothers+ side, became e0tremely stressed when separated from her, wanted her when she
returnedObut cried or s,uirmed in her arms, resisting her soothing attempts. Ainsworth labeled
their attachment resistant or ambi&alent. A second group of babies seemed utterly blas] in the
lab. They played alone, didn+t protest when their mother departed, and paid no attention when
she came back. Although these infants looked secure and independent, Ainsworth knew from her
home obser&ations that they were not. /he termed them a&oidantly attached.
#n 8AH=, researchers 5ary 5ain and Qudith /olomon E8AHJF identified a fourth group of infants
who didn+t fit into the three original categories. These babies, who had what they called a
disorgani1edSdisoriented attachment, beha&ed bi1arrely in the /trange /ituation, approaching
their mothers backward, with head a&erted, or in a trancelike state EDyons"6uth and Qacob&it1,
8AAAL 5ain and /olomon, 8AHJF.
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*ou ha&e probably heard this many times, but what does it really mean9 !oes it mean you ha&e to sit for
hours teaching your baby phonics and playing classical music9 !oes it mean you ha&e to buy e0pensi&e
educational materials9 #t is not necessary to spend lots of money, or to become an e0pert reading teacher. #t
simply means that you should do the things that parents ha&e done for centuries that feel so right, like
singing to your child, talking in that high"pitched e0aggerated language, sharing books and pictures, and
simply spending time doing the things you like to do. #f you like to fish, take your child along with you, no
matter how young she is. #f you like to walk, put your baby in the stroller and go for a walk together, pointing
out the buildings and the birds, the trees and the people.
E&en routine tasks can be learning opportunities for young children. A trip to the grocery store can be
educational, and may e&en be en2oyable if you spend a little time showing your baby or toddler the colors of
the packages and labels on the cans, and telling him the names of fruits and &egetables. For a slightly older
child, a trip to the grocery store can be a lesson in classification Eall soups are shel&ed together, all cold
foods are in the same placeF, or an early reading lesson Ecan you find the cereal that starts with 39F.
?ne of the best times for children to learn their colors is when they get dressed. Ask her to choose the red
sweater or the green one. /he can choose the pink pants or the blue ones. /he will learn colors &ery ,uickly
this way. /he will also learn some independence skills as you gi&e her some limited choices.
@i&ing your toddler small tasks to do can help him to learn many things. Ask him to bring two apples, one for
himself and one for you. 4e is learning a math skill by doing this, i.e. that two people need an apple each.
Ask him to bring a ball for daddy and a ball for himself. 4e will figure out e&entually that he needs to bring
two. 4e will glow with pride when he brings you the things you ha&e asked for. Ask him to put away the
yellow truck in the brown basket. 4e is learning colors as well as learning where things belong, another skill
important for both math and reading. E0pect and accept mistakes. (e all learn from our mistakes, and he
will get it right e&entually. !on+t e0pect serious help from your child at this timeL howe&er, toddlers will learn
to bring things and put things away. ?f course, they will probably dump them out as soon as they are put
away, since that is what toddlers do. *ou will need to distract him with another task if you want the toys to
stay away.
6ead to your child as often as you can. #t+s good to set aside :C";C minutes each day to read, but if you only
ha&e fi&e minutes to spare, it is still &aluable to share a short story, showing your little one that you &alue
reading, no matter how busy you are. Being a good role model plays an important part in your child+s
success with reading, so read things out loud where&er you are" in the car, in the kitchen, walking in the
neighborhood, or e&en working at the computer. /he will learn that reading is a useful skill and will be
moti&ated to learn to read.
6emember that you teach your child social skills too, and that these skills are also important for school
success. *our child learns by watching and imitating you to be kind and compassionate, to take his turn, to
&alue other people and their needs, to greet people with a friendly, $@ood morning7% Children watch and take
note of e&erything we do. This does not mean that we ha&e to be perfect, 2ust aware that we are indeed our
children+s first teachers.
Pualities of Temperament
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By !.4. /ailor
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
The ways in which the family responds to an infant are influenced by that baby's temperament.
Temperament also affects the infant's initial response to her or his en&ironment. Temperament is a broad
term that includes an indi&idual's predisposition to certain moods and reaction styles. Babies appear to be
born with these constitutionally based biases. !octors and nurses as well as parents and researchers are
able to see signs of temperament within a few hours after birth.
Temperament is the foundation of personality de&elopment and includes such ,ualities as emotional
responses, acti&ity le&el, sociability, and impulsi&eness. Thomas and Chess E8AHJF belie&e temperament is
established by the first two or three months of life. 6esearchers continue to study the genetic influences as
well as the effect of the en&ironment on temperament. !oes the child's en&ironment affect modest changes
in his or her temperament o&er time9
#s an infant's temperament relati&ely stable throughout life, supporting the theory of genetic determination9
#n studying these and other ,uestions, Thomas and Chess E8AHJF ha&e identified nine ,ualities of
temperament that are present in children at birth. The following traits were researched for ten years
beginning in 8AJH'
8. Acti&ity le&el
:. Approach or withdrawal Ewhen confronted by new e0periencesF
;. Adaptability to change
<. Puality of mood or irritability
=. Attention span or persistence
J. !istractability
G. 6hythmicity EregularityF
H. /ensiti&ity to stimuli Ehow much noise to wake the babyF
A. #ntensity of reaction
Because these characteristics appeared in clusters, Thomas and Chess E8AHJF classified temperament in
babies according to three styles' Reasy,R Rslow to warm up,R and Rdifficult.R 4owe&er, ;= percent of the infants
did not fit into any category.
8. 3asy to warm up /a/iesO<C percent. ositi&e disposition, regular body functions, adaptable,
curious, moderate to low intensity of emotions.
:. .low:to:warm:up /a/iesO8= percent. #nacti&e or calm reactions to the en&ironment, withdraw from
new situations.
;. Difficult /a/iesO8C percent. 5ore negati&e moodsL babies withdraw or are slow to adapt to new
situations.
#n studying &arious characteristics in children from infancy through age se&en, Thomas and Chess found
relati&ely little change in their basic styles. For e0ample, a large number of babies classified as RdifficultR
were found to ha&e more serious emotional problems at age se&en than babies in the other two groups.
4owe&er, other research showed both stability and changes in &arious temperament dimensions throughout
childhood. 5any studies found that children who showed high or low e0tremes in attention span, irritability
sociability, or shyness were likely to score much the same throughout childhood and sometimes into
adulthood ECaspi, 4enry, 5c@ee, 5offit, and /il&a, 8AA=L 3ochanska and 6adke"*arrow, 8AA:F. ?ther
studies found that some characteristics such as shyness or sociability can change o&er time and only
appear to be stable if a child is e0tremely shy or sociable E3err, Dambert, /tatin, 3lachenberg"Darsson, 8AA<L
/anson, edlow, Cann, rior, and ?berklaid, 8AAJF.
A longitudinal study by @uerin and @ottfried E8AA<F on de&elopmental stability and change in temperament
from ages : to 8: showed that most changes occurred in the first fi&e years, with no significant changes
during the years from ages = to 8:. These changes were found for fi&e of the nine dimensions' rhythmicity,
mood, persistence, threshold, and intensity. Temperamental difficulties during infancy foreshadowed ad&erse
temperamental ,ualities such as slow adaptability and negati&e mood as well as beha&ioral problems during
childhood E@uerin, @ottfried, and Thomas, 8AAGF. Boys and girls were found to be more alike in
temperament than different E@uerin and @ottfried, 8AA<F.
An important factor in determinating children's beha&ior in&ol&es the principle of /idirectionality. The
reactions of the baby affect the responses of the adult, which in turn influence the baby's ne0t
response.Thus, smiling, cuddling, content babies will encourage parents and other people to smile with them
and en2oy their company. Fretful babies who cry easily may be upsetting to parents and caregi&ers, resulting
in interactions producing frustrations and less 2oy. A parent or parents without a support system are
particularly &ulnerable to the stresses of li&ing with a difficult or unresponsi&e baby. 4owe&er, parents who
respond to a difficult or fretful baby with warmth and consistency are more likely to ha&e a child who later
a&oids problems that other irritable babies ha&e EBelsky, Fish, and #sabella, 8AA8L Crockenberg, 8AHJF. #t is
tempting to assume certain patterns of beha&ior are a product of a child's temperament, but the principle of
bidirectionality needs to be considered.
As early as the first weeks of life, the infant has an influence on the caregi&er. ?ne mother, who welcomed
motherhood and wanted to do her best, felt re2ected by her infant, who alternated between uncontrollable
intense screaming and crying and hea&y sleep. The mother was so depressed by the re2ection that she
sought therapy EThomas and Chess, 8AHJF. Another mother whose daughters were in their thirties describes
it this way'
2he oldest daughter would stiffen and rear $ac& her head when + attempted to cuddle her, while the younger
one would snuggle contentedly in my arms. + still feel the sense of re6ection the oldest daughter caused me.
(hen parents consider the child's temperament and respond appropriately to their child's beha&ior, they
help to modify beha&ior that some parents might assume to be RnaturalR for the child.
The family's culture andSor the dominant culture of the community also influence the way in which the family
reacts to a child's beha&ior. !o certain &alues or beliefs in the culture complement the child's temperament9
For e0ample, an irritable infant in the East African 5asai culture in 3enya may thri&e better there than if
raised in the Knited /tates. The 5asai mother breastfeeds a baby who is crying, gi&ing this baby additional
nutrition and comfort E5. >. de>ries, 8AH<F. The 5asai mother is not told to let the baby cry.
Effecti&e caregi&ing is seen in terms of cultural &alues. #n (estern nations, adults consider children who are
&ery shy to ha&e a social problem. #n contrast, Chinese adults consider their shy children to be ad&anced in
social maturity and understanding. #n a study comparing Canadian and Chinese children, Canadian mothers
reported that they punished and protected their shy children and showed less acceptance and
encouragement of their achie&ements. #n contrast, Chinese mothers of shy children responded with less
protection and re2ection and greater acceptance and encouragement EChen, 4astings, 6ubin, Chen, Cen,
and /tewart, 8AAHF.
/ocial !e&elopment
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By C.6. /mith
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Although not e&ery student with a learning disability has problems with parents, teachers, or peers, social
problems ne&ertheless are more pre&alent among this group than among students ha&ing no academic
difficulties. #nter&ention re,uires attending to the en&ironmental as well as student aspects of the problem
because social difficulties ne&er e0ist in a &acuum.
Normal #atterns of #rosocial Development
#n order for children to beha&e in a socially acceptable manner, they must be able to 2udge what is right and
wrong. As with other areas of de&elopment, moral 2udgments change with age.
iaget noted that children less than age G or H often don't understand why, something is right or wrongL
rather, they accept an e0ternal source such as a parent or older child as an authority. Thus they tend to be
&ery rigid about interpreting rules. #f !a&id takes April's toy, he is wrong because adults say so. The fact that
he is taking the toy out of retaliation for April's taking his toy isn't considered. Dikewise a lie is a lie, whether
or not it was told in an attempt to spare someone's feelings. Children at this age are concrete in 2udging the
magnitude of a misdeed. #f you accidentally drop a tray of si0 glasses and they break this is deser&ing of a
more se&ere punishment than if you dropped and broke 2ust one glass. And children base their 2udgments of
a lie on how far it departs from the truth. #t's worse to say you saw a cow in the street when it really was a
dog, than pretending to ha&e better grades than you do in school.
#n children o&er age H, iaget noted a gradual shift toward conforming to the beha&ioral rules of the group
and greater self"reliance on following these rules. The parent is no longer considered the final authority.
5oti&es are sometimes considered, and sometimes not.
By age 88 or 8:, the child begins to understand that rules come from mutual consent and that rules make life
easier for people. Dying begins to be regarded as wrong because if e&eryone told lies there could be little
trustOhow could families classrooms, and the world operate if people couldn't be belie&ed9 The 8:"year"old
connects the magnitude of punishments to the perpetrator's moti&es and 2ustification. #n late adolescence,
young people begin to fully understand that rules preser&e society and that we are obliged to follow them for
that reason. From 3ohlberg's research with adults, we ha&e learned that a small percentage e&entually
come to recogni1e that not all laws are 2ust, and will act to change these laws to better society.
This de&elopmental progression in moral reasoning is e0tremely important for teachers and parents to
understand. An understanding of a child's le&el of moral reasoning helps us deal with beha&ioral infractions
Rat their le&elR and encourages growth in their social maturity.
#rosocial Development and the .tudent with *earnin! Disa/ilities
Qust as students with D! are academically delayed, their ability to make social 2udgments also may be like
that of younger children. A A"year"old, for e0ample, may still rely hea&ily on authority figures for cues about
how to act. This makes it almost impossible to function in school where numerous situations arise that
demand immediate decisions and actions, on many of which the child's parents or teachers ha&e ne&er
made a ruling.
Consider the dilemma of ?li&er, a 8C"year"old impulsi&e child who must decide whether telling a lie to a&oid
hurting someone is more correct than telling the truth. 4e has trouble focusing on se&eral aspects of the
problem at once and delaying a response until alternati&es and conse,uences ha&e been considered.
Among other things, ?li&er must look at the situation from another's perspecti&e, e&aluate &erbal and
non&erbal cues, and choose which words to use, all skills with which students who are learning disabled
ha&e trouble. That ?li&er might make the wrong decision and get negati&e feedback is understandable.
Teachers need to understand the students' stage of moral reasoning and help them progress to higher moral
reasoning le&els. Their responses to misbeha&ior must fit the children's moral reasoning le&els, as in simply
Rstating the ruleR to Eron who is too aggressi&e in his bear hugs, or to /hira who o&erstays her welcome with
friends because of her e0cessi&e teasing and roughhousing. Both children are old enough to know better,
but reasoning with them about the other children's perspecti&e would not ha&e worked. For young children,
beha&ior modification techni,ues and simply stating what is right and wrong work well. These children
choose their beha&iors based on adults' rules and stated conse,uences. ?lder elementary school children,
&ery aware of social obligations to their groups, benefit from e0plicit reminders about these e0pectations and
from instruction to model their peers' beha&ior. ?lder youngsters, who recogni1e the benefits of society's
laws, may respond to negotiated agreements, such as not talking out in class, or setting goals for grades
and contracting for positi&e conse,uences Ee.g., more free timeF if they li&e up to their end of the agreement.
arents are powerful influences on their children's moral reasoning and social de&elopment. 6esearch has
found that those children who are more competent socially with their peers are the ones who e0perience
more attachment and emotional security in their homes, and less family dysfunction. Children learn from
their parents through identification Ewanting to be like themF, modeling Eimitating themF, and direct training
through parental teaching and discipline.
2dentification and odelin!
arents are high"status people in their children's li&es, and children learn by simply obser&ing what their
parents do. #f a father is always willing to lend a helping hand in the neighborhood, his son sees this model
and, wanting to be like dad, is helpful to younger children. A daughter may be tempted to lie, but resists
because she knows her parents would be disappointed in her if she did so. These processes of identification
and modeling are fostered by parents' warmth and support, which in turn encourage prosocial traits in their
children such as kindness, honesty, generosity, obedience to the rules, resistance to cheating and lying, and
consideration of the rights and welfare of others.
Bandura's classic modeling studies showed that parents need to do more than model good beha&iors. They
must first of all begin with positi&e attitudes toward their children, and then draw the children's attention to
the modeled beha&ior, help them remember through rehearsal, encourage them to practice the beha&ior,
and gi&e incenti&es for adopting the beha&ior. 5ost parents do this unconsciously and inconspicuously. But
many children with D! don't pick up on these messages. Therefore, parents ha&e to be far more intentional
about these teachings. To complicate matters, their children often don't understand the emotions the model
is e0pressing and ha&e difficulty attending to, interpreting, and retaining the modeled beha&ior and &erbal
e0planations. Conse,uently, parents may need to e0plain more, highlight important aspects, help the child
&erbally rehearse and role"play, and pro&ide support when information"processing or moti&ational problems
present obstacles.
Knfortunately, many children with D! come from homes where warm and supporti&e modeling of prosocial
beha&iors is in short supply. Their family systems can be more chaotic, disturbed, less structured, less
emotionally stable, less cohesi&e, more rigid, and more disengaged than other families. arents often react
more negati&ely to their children with learning disabilities, are more harsh and remote, communicate lower
e0pectations, and pro&ide less affection and care gi&ing. 5ore affection is shown to the sibling who has
higher &erbal ability, perse&eres in school tasks, and is less worrisome. arents may &iew the successes of
the child with D! less positi&ely Ecaused by luck rather than abilityF and the failures more negati&ely Ecaused
by inability rather than bad luckF than do parents of nondisabled children. arents fre,uently e0pect less of
their children with D! than the children e0pect of themsel&es.
An additional difficulty for children with D! is that some parents may themsel&es be poor models. 5any
e&aluate their own social skills as poorly as they do their children's. Because learning disorders often show a
hereditary pattern, children and parents can share similar cogniti&e problems and inappropriate beha&ioral
styles. Therefore, parents may need to e&aluate and modify their own beha&ior before being able to be of
ma0imum help to their children.
Direct Trainin!
!irect training, through teaching and discipline, is another way in which parents can influence their children's
attitudes and beha&iors. Clear e0pectations offer a consistent family structure that has a stabili1ing influence
on children's de&elopment. Threats of punishment or power plays are less effecti&e than e0planations about
why certain beha&iors are better than others, and positi&ely reinforcing these beha&iors.
Baumrind's classic research on child"rearing practices among middle"income parents identified three
general patterns' authoritati&e, authoritarian, and permissi&e. Authoritative parentswere controlling and
demanding. They had high demands for obedience, academic achie&ement, and sharing household tasks.
At the same time, they were warm, open to discussion and negotiation with their children about why they
didn't want to comply, and responded positi&ely to their children's independent beha&ior. Authoritarian
parents were more puniti&e and re2ecting. They, too, had high standards for beha&ior, but these were
absolute. ower, unaccompanied by reasoning and communication, was used to compel compliance. They
&alued obedience for its own sake and there was little gi&e"and"take with their children. By
contrast, permissive parents were &ery accepting of all their children's impulses and didn't enforce rules or
standards for beha&ior and achie&ement.
Authoritati&e parents tended to produce children who were socially responsible, independent, friendly to
peers, cooperati&e, achie&ement"oriented, dominant, and purposeful. #n contrast, children of authoritarian
parents tended to be discontent, withdrawn, and distrustful. ermissi&e parents raised children who were the
least self"reliant, self"controlled, and e0plorati&e.
Baumrind identified se&eral parent practices and attitudes that help de&elop children whose beha&ior is
socially responsible, asserti&e, cooperati&e, purposeful. confident, altruistic, creati&e, cogniti&ely challenging,
and independent'
8. 5odeling socially responsible and self"asserti&e beha&ior.
:. Firmly enforcing policies that reward socially responsible beha&ior and punish de&iant beha&ior, and
that are accompanied by e0planations consistent with the parents' principles.
;. Accepting, but not o&erprotecti&e or passi&e, parental attitudesL appro&al is contingent on the child's
beha&ior.
<. 4igh demands for achie&ement and conformity with parental policies, accompanied by openness to
the child's rationale and encouragement of independent 2udgment.
=. ro&ision of a comple0, stimulating en&ironment that offers challenge and e0citement as well as
security.
5any of Baumrind's authoritati&e parents' beha&iors correlated with greater autonomy in their youngsters'
parents being accepting, empathic, supporti&e, self"aware, curious, appreciati&e of indi&idual's differences
yet building connectedness within the family, and using family discussions to sol&e problems. arents who
tell children why, not 2ust what, to do help gi&e children a rationale for the future when they face not only a
similar situation but also new problems.
Authoritati&e parenting helps to moderate peer influence in that these children are more strongly influenced
by high"achie&ing friends and less influenced by drug"using friends. These parents directly influence their
adolescents' friendships through such means as gi&ing ad&ice on which teenagers to steer clear of, in&iting
o&er prosocial friends, and encouraging acti&ities that draw socially appropriate peers. The authoritati&e
parent knows to Rpick the battlesR carefully, o&erlooking harping on the child's sloppy dress habits, for
e0ample, in fa&or of promoting the &alue of studying. These teenagers ha&e lower drug use than do
teenagers whose parents use lower le&els or too controlling le&els of management.
6esearch shows that o&erprotecti&e parents tend to delay their children's de&elopment. 5others in the
Collaborati&e erinatal ro2ect who were o&erdemonstrati&e to their H"month"old infantsOfre,uently fondling
and caressing them, using terms of endearment, talking only about their child's good ,ualities while glossing
o&er or e0plaining away less desirable beha&iorsOse&en years later more often had children who had
learning difficulties or were hyperacti&e.
A great deal of the child's ability to identify, model and learn from his or her parents depends on the
interaction of the child's uni,ue temperament with that of family members. Knfortunately, at times the
disorgani1ation of children with D! and their families becomes a &icious cycleL the child's beha&ior causes
disruption in the family, which in turn is increasingly unable to pro&ide the structure, model and discipline the
child needs.
#arent:(hild Temperament atch
Although many children are born with difficult temperaments, a good fit between parent and child can go a
long way toward modifying a child's hard"to"li&e"with temperament. Con&ersely, a poor fit can make a difficult
situation much worse, or create a difficult situation when the child's temperament is 2ust fine. For e0ample,
when parents e0pect concentration for long periods of time, they put undue stress on a distractible child.
(hen parents of a highly acti&e child insist that he or she sit still all through dinner, rather than being
permitted to help ser&e and clear the table, they make life harder for e&eryone. (hen parents abruptly
interrupt a goal"directed, persistent child in the midst of a pro2ect to engage in a family acti&ity, that child will
be in no mood to be cooperati&e or pleassant. (hen parents don't &alue the hard work of a &ery capable
child, they diminish his or her incenti&e to achie&e. And when parents e0pect unreasonable academic
achie&ement of a child with D!, they make a tough situation e&en worse.
?ne e0pert has likened a child's temperament to the fault lines that can lead to earth,uakes. En&ironmental
e&ents, particularly parenting styles, are the strain. And 2ust as earth,uakes result from the match between
faults and strains, so beha&ior difficulties can arise from a mismatch between certain child temperaments
and certain styles of parenting. ?ne student's story is a good illustration of such a mismatch. 4is
temperament and life e0periences are like those fre,uently associated with children with learning disabilities.
(hen these children grow up in homes that are hostile or critical and parental e0pectations are beyond the
children's capabilities, then the outcome can be bleak. But if the children ha&e warm, supporti&e homes
where the en&ironment is arranged to help them rather than imposing unreasonable pressures and
standards, they ha&e a better chance of a&oiding such secondary problems as poor self"image and
depression.
#t is also true that the same home en&ironment affects different children in different ways. A number of
factors make the home en&ironment uni,ue for each child' differences in parental beha&ior and affection
toward different children the child's perception of differences in treatment, birth order and gender
differences, e0periences outside the family, peer interactions, and so forth. #t may happen that a parent"child
match was perfect for all the other siblings in terms of shaping their personalities and facilitating cogniti&e
gains but, because of the challenges posed by a child with a learning disability, the match needs to be
reworked for this child.
Teaching 3ids 6espectful Communication
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By /ally Burgess
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5y husband is an assistant principal at a middle school in central )ash&ille, T). E&ery day he opens the
school doors at H.;C a.m. and stands at the entrance greeting students as they come in. E&ery morning he
stops one or two who ignore his greeting. 4e asks them if their parents ha&e e&er taught them how to greet
people. They in&ariably say, $)o+. /o he tells them, $This is what # need you to do. (hen # say good
morning, # want you to look me in the eye, smile, and say, V@ood morning 5r. Burgess.+% They immediately
understand and greet him with big smiles thereafter. Brian used to get &ery annoyed when my sisters+
children completely ignored him when they came to our house. They would 2ust walk straight past him as if
he was in&isible. 4e said he wanted to pinch himself to make sure he was actually in the room.
@reeting people with a smile and a friendly word is an act of respect. (hy is it that few children are being
taught the simple courtesy of acknowledging another person9 # can only assume that when they are not
acti&ely taught to greet people, they don+t know they need to, or don+t know how. erhaps parents think it is
the school+s 2ob to teach courtesy. 5aybe, parents think that their kids will learn by osmosis, and when their
kids reach adulthood, the skill will magically materiali1e on its own. )?T7
*ou can teach a ;"year old to say, $@ood morning, 5r. Brown%. A courteous greeting should not be reser&ed
for formal occasions or 2ust between adults or children to adults either. Adults should also acknowledge
children when they see them and children should also be courteous to one another. To ha&e a child walk up
to you, hold out his hand and say, $5y name is Qohn. # am pleased to meet you 5rs. Burgess%, is something
# would ne&er forget. First impressions count and politeness is always remembered.
Another important aspect of childSadult interaction is training kids not to interrupt adult con&ersations. # ha&e
been in many con&ersations with friends when a child has come into the room, walked straight up to the
parent and start talking. #n almost all of these situations, the parent immediately stopped speaking to me and
paid full attention to their child. The impression # was left with was that a &isitor is less important than the
child. #t is easy to train a child how to get adult attention when the parent is talking to someone else by
asking them to wait where you can see them, and that you will gi&e them permission to speak when you are
ready. #f the matter is urgent, they can say, $E0cuse me, please,% and wait.
Allowing a child to whisper in a parent+s ear is e0tremely rude. Thinking that whispering will not interrupt an
adult con&ersation is, of course, ridiculous. 4ere is a suggestion. 6emind your children of your e0pectations
before the &isitor comes. Tell them how to greet the &isitor and that you want them to play until the &isitor has
gone. 6emind them of how to get your attention if they really need to. 5ake sure you gi&e the kids plenty of
things to do while you are entertaining your guest.. Be fair. 3ids will get annoyed if you completely ignore
them. 4opefully your guest will gi&e your child some attention. *our children will be respected by adults
when they display good manners.
ersonality !e&elopment
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By Q.E. ?rmrod
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
?&er the years 5s. adilla has almost certainly had kindergarteners who lacked some of the basic
knowledge and skills on which early academic success depends " color and shape names, the alphabet,
counting, and so on. /ome of these children ha&e probably come from lower"income, minority"group
backgrounds, 2ust as Dupita has. And in 5s. adilla's e0perience, children who can answer ,uestions and
contribute to class discussions usually speak up or raise their hands, but Dupita is ,uiet and restrained. (ith
such data in hand, 5s. adilla initially concludes that Dupita has not mastered the knowledge and skills she
will need in first grade. #f the researcher+s &ideotape had not captured Dupita's social skills and proficiency
with pu11les, Dupita might &ery well ha&e remained on the sidelines throughout much of the school year,
getting little assistance on academic skills and few opportunities to capitali1e on her many positi&e personal
attributes.
Dong before they begin school, children begin to show significant differences in personalityOthat is, they
show some consistency in their beha&ior in a wide &ariety of situations. For instance, Dupita tends to be
,uiet and well"beha&ed, whereas some of her peers are probably noisy and rambunctious. Dupita is also
conscientious about completing her work, whereas at least one of her classmates must be reminded to
complete his /panish assignment. And she is socially astute, ,uickly tuning in to the nuances of others+
beha&ior and responding appropriately, whereas some of her age"mates may ha&e little awareness of other
people+s &erbal and non&erbal messages. Dupita+s conscientiousness and social prowess will undoubtedly
ser&e her well in the years to come. 4er ,uiet nature may or may not work in her fa&or, depending on
classroom tasks and demands. #n 5s. adilla+s class it works against her, to the point where she becomes
almost in&isible and so rarely gets the academic assistance she needs to mo&e forward.
Children+s personalities are the result of both heredityOespecially in the form of inherited temperamentsO
and such en&ironmental factors as parents+ beha&iors and cultural e0pectations. As you will see, heredity
and en&ironment often interact in their influences.
Temperament
#n general, a child+s temperament is his or her general tendency to respond to and deal with en&ironmental
e&ents in particular ways. Children seem to ha&e distinct temperaments almost from birth. For instance,
some Elike DupitaF are ,uiet and subdued, whereas others are more acti&e and energetic. 6esearchers ha&e
identified many temperamental styles that emerge early in life and are relati&ely enduring, including general
acti&ity le&el, adaptability, persistence, ad&enturousness, outgoingness, shyness, fearfulness, inhibitedness,
irritability, and distractibility. 5ost psychologists agree that such temperamental differences are biologically
based and ha&e genetic origins ECaspi W /il&a, 8AA=L 3eogh, :CC;L feifer, @oldsmith, !a&idson, W
6ickman, :CC:L 6othbart, Ahadi, W E&ans, :CCCL A. Thomas W Chess, 8AGGF.
Children+s inherited temperaments influence the learning opportunities they ha&e and so also influence the
en&ironmental factors that come into play in shaping their personal and social de&elopment E). A. Fo0,
4enderson, 6ubin, Calkins, W /chmidt, :CC8L 3eogh, :CC;F. For e0ample, children who are energetic and
ad&enturesome seek out a wider &ariety of e0periences than those who are ,uiet and restrained. Children
who are naturally &i&acious and outgoing ha&e more opportunities to learn social skills and establish
rewarding interpersonal relationships.
5any temperamental &ariables affect how students engage in and respond to classroom acti&ities and thus
indirectly affect their academic achie&ement E3eogh, :CC;F. For instance, students are more likely to
achie&e at high le&els if they are persistent, reasonably Ebut not o&erlyF energetic, and able to ignore minor
distractions. They can also achie&e greater academic success if their beha&iors lead to friendly, producti&e
relationships with teachers and peersOpeople who can bolster their self"esteem and support their efforts to
learn.
*et there is no single $best% temperament that ma0imi1es classroom achie&ement. #nstead, children are
more likely to succeed at school when their beha&iors are a good fit, rather than a mismatch, with classroom
e0pectations. For instance, highly energetic, outgoing children are apt to shineObut ,uieter students might
feel an0ious or intimidatedOwhen teachers want students to participate acti&ely in group discussions and
pro2ects. Puieter children do betterOand some energetic children might be &iewed as disrupti&eOwhen
teachers re,uire a lot of independent seatwork E3eogh, :CC;F.
As teachers we must recogni1e that, to a considerable degree, students+ ways of beha&ing in the classroom
Otheir energy le&els, their sociability, their impulse control, and so onOreflect temperamental differences
that are not entirely within their control. #f we keep this fact in mind, we are apt to be more tolerant of
students+ beha&ioral idiosyncrasies and more willing to adapt our instruction and classroom management
strategies to accommodate their indi&idual beha&ioral styles E3eogh, :CC;F. The feature $Accommodating
/tudents+ !i&erse Temperaments% presents se&eral e0amples of strategies we might use.
#arents+ 2nfluences
Through the many things they doOand don+t doOeach day, parents can ha&e a significant impact on
children+s personalities. 4ere we+ll focus on three aspects of parentBchild relationships that seem to be
especially influential' attachment, parenting styles, and child maltreatment.
Attachment 5any parents and other important family members Ee.g., grandparents, older siblingsF lo&ingly
interact with a new infant and consistently and dependably pro&ide for the infant+s physical and
psychological needs. (hen they do such things, a strong, affectionate caregi&erBchild bond known
as attachmenttypically forms EAinsworth, Blehar, (aters, (all, 8AGHF.
#nfants who become closely attached to parents or other caregi&ers early in life are apt to de&elop into
amiable, independent, self"confident children who ad2ust easily to the classroom en&ironment, establish
producti&e relationships with teachers and peers, and ha&e an inner conscience that guides their beha&ior.
#n contrast, youngsters who do not become closely attached to a parent or some other indi&idual early in life
can be immature, dependent, unpopular, and prone to disrupti&e and aggressi&e beha&iors later on E4artup,
8AHAL 3ochanska, Aksan, 3naack, W 6hines, :CC<L 5ikulincer W /ha&er, :CC=L /. /hulman, Elicker, W
/roufe, 8AA<L /roufe, Carlson, W /hulman, 8AA;F.
Attachment to a parent or other adult caregi&er remains important e&en in adolescence. 5ost adolescents
continue to see their relationships with parents and other family members as important and &aluable
throughout the secondary school grades EQ. . Allen, 5cElhaney, 3uperminc, W Qodl, :CC<L 6. 5. Derner,
:CC:L )estemann W 4urrelmann, 8AA<F. Although teenagers often disagree with their parents, those who are
well"ad2usted tend to do so within the conte0t of an affectionate, supporti&e parentBchild relationship EQ. .
Allen et al., :CC;F.
#arentin! .tyles 6esearchers ha&e disco&ered that many parents e0hibit somewhat consistent patterns of
beha&ior in rearing their children. !iffering parentin! styles are associated with different beha&iors and
personality traits in children EBaumrind, 8AG8, 8AHA, 8AA8L 5accoby W 5artin, 8AH;F.
The ideal situation for most children is authoritative parentin!. arents using this style pro&ide a lo&ing
and supporti&e home, hold high e0pectations and standards for performance, e0plain why beha&iors are or
are not acceptable, enforce household rules consistently, include children in decision making, and pro&ide
age"appropriate opportunities for independence. Children from authoritati&e homes are happy, energetic,
confident, and self"reliant. They make friends easily, ha&e good social skills, and show concern for others+
rights and needs. They are moti&ated to do well in school and, as a result, are often high achie&ers.
Authoritati&e parenting pro&ides a good model for how, as teachers, we should generally run our classrooms
EQ. 5. T. (alker W 4oo&er"!empsey, :CCJF.
#t is important to note here that most research on parenting in&ol&es correlational studies that re&eal
associations between parents+ beha&iors and children+s characteristics but do not necessarily demonstrate
cause"and"effect relationships. A few e0perimental studies ha&e documented that specific parenting styles
probably do influence children+s personalities to some degree E(. A. Collins et al., :CCCF. #n other cases,
howe&er, parents+ disciplinary strategies seem to be the result, rather than the cause, of how children
beha&e. For instance, temperamentally li&ely or ad&enturesome children typically re,uire more parental
control than ,uieter, restrained ones EQ. 6. 4arris, 8AAHL Qaffee et al., :CC<L /tice W Barrera, 8AA=F.
Children of authoritati&e parents appear well"ad2usted, in part because their beha&iors are considered ideal
by many people in (estern cultures' They listen respectfully to others, can follow rules by the time they
reach school age, try to be independent, and stri&e for academic achie&ement. But authoritati&e parenting is
not uni&ersally bestL other parenting styles may be better suited to particular cultures. For e0ample, children
of &ery controlling Eand so apparently authoritarianF Asian American parents often do ,uite well in school. #n
many Asian American families high demands for obedience are made within the conte0t of a lo&ing,
supporti&e motherBchild relationship. Furthermore, principles of Confucianism teach children that parents
are always right and that obedience and emotional restraint are essential for family harmony EChao, 8AA<,
:CC8L Din W Fu, 8AACF.
#mpo&erished economic conditions, too, may re,uire authoritarian parenting. #n low"income, inner"city
neighborhoods where danger may lurk around e&ery corner, parents may better ser&e their children by being
&ery strict and directi&e about acti&ities E4ale"Benson, 8AHJL 5cDoyd, 8AAHF. #n addition, the stresses of
impo&erished financial resources can become so o&erwhelming that they limit parents+ ability to solicit
children+s ideas about family rules EBronfenbrenner, Al&are1, W 4enderson, 8AH<F. Communicating high
standards for beha&ior and negotiating with children about seemingly unfair rules can take considerable time
and energyOperhaps more time and energy than &ery stressful circumstances allow.
As teachers, we must take care not to point accusatory fingers or in other ways be 2udgmental about how
parents are bringing up their children. /ome parents may ha&e learned ineffecti&e parenting strategies from
their own parents. ?thers may ha&e challenges in their li&esOperhaps mental illness, marital conflict, or
serious financial problemsOthat hamper their ability to nurture and support their children. And of course,
nonauthoritati&e styles may sometimes be culturally adapti&e. Although we can certainly ser&e as &aluable
sources of information about effecti&e disciplinary techni,ues, we must be careful that we don+t gi&e total
credit to or place total blame on parents for how they interact with their children.
#n any e&ent, parenting styles seem to ha&e only a moderate Erather than a strongF influence on children+s
personalities E(. A. Collins et al., :CCCL (eiss W /chwar1, 8AAJF. 5any children thri&e despite their parents+
less"than"optimal parenting styles, pro&ided that their homes aren+t se&erely neglectful or abusi&e EQ. 6.
4arris, 8AA=, 8AAHL Dykken, 8AAGL /carr, 8AA:F. Children with certain temperamentsOfor instance, those
who tend to be adaptable, persistent, and outgoingOseem to be especially resilient in the face of difficult
family circumstances E!. 4art, Atkins, W Fegley, :CC;L 3eogh, :CC;F.
(hild altreatment #n a few unfortunate instances, parents+ beha&iors toward their children constitute child
maltreatment. #n some cases parents neglect children' They fail to pro&ide nutritious meals, ade,uate
clothing, and other basic necessities of life. #n other cases parents Eor possibly other family membersF abuse
children physically, se0ually, or emotionally. ossible indicators of neglect or abuse are chronic hunger, lack
of warm clothing in cold weather, untreated medical needs, fre,uent or serious physical in2uries Ee.g.,
bruises, burns, broken bonesF, and e0ceptional knowledge about se0ual matters ETurnbull et al., :CCGF.
arental neglect and abuse ha&e significant ad&erse effects on children+s personal and social de&elopment.
?n a&erage, children who ha&e been routinely neglected or abused ha&e low self"esteem, poorly de&eloped
social skills, and low school achie&ement. 5any are angry, aggressi&e, and defiant. ?thers can be
depressed, an0ious, socially withdrawn, and possibly suicidal E!odge, ettit, Bates, W >alente, 8AA=L
5aughan W Cicchetti, :CC:L )i0 et al., 8AAAL 6. A. Thompson W (yatt, 8AAAF.
Teachers are both morally and legally obligated to report any cases of suspected child abuse and neglect to
the proper authorities Ee.g., the school principal or child protecti&e ser&icesF. Two helpful resources are the
)ational Child Abuse 4otline at 8"HCC"<"A"C4#D! E8"HCC"<::"<<=;F and the (eb site for Childhelp K/A at
www.childhelpusa.org.
(ommon #arentin! .tyles
$hen #arents 30hi/it This #arentin! .tyle... (hildren tend to /e...
Authoritative5
ro&iding a lo&ing, supporti&e home
en&ironment
4olding high e0pectations and standards for
children+s beha&ior
E0plaining why some beha&iors are acceptable
and others are not
Enforcing household rules consistently
#ncluding children in family decision making
@radually loosening restrictions as children
become capable of greater responsibility and
independence
4appy
/elf"confident
Curious
#ndependent and self"
reliant
Capable of considerable
self"control
Dikable, with effecti&e
social skills
6espectful of others'
needs
5oti&ated and
successful in school
Authoritarian5
Con&eying less emotional warmth than
authoritati&e parents
4olding high e0pectations and standards for
children+s beha&ior
Establishing rules of beha&ior without regard
for children+s needs
E0pecting rules to be obeyed without ,uestion
Allowing little gi&e"and"take in parentBchild
Knhappy
An0ious
Dow in self"confidence
Dacking initiati&e
!ependent on others
Dacking in social skills
and prosocial beha&iors
Coerci&e in dealing with
discussions
others
!efiant
#ermissive5
ro&iding a lo&ing, supporti&e home
en&ironment
4olding few e0pectations or standards for
children+s beha&ior
6arely punishing inappropriate beha&ior
Allowing children to make many of their own
decisions Ee.g., about eating, bedtimeF
/elfish
Knmoti&ated
!ependent on others
!emanding of attention
!isobedient
#mpulsi&e
-ninvolved5
ro&iding little, if any, emotional support for
children
4olding few e0pectations or standards for
children+s beha&ior
/howing little interest in children+s li&es
/eeming to be o&erwhelmed by self"focused
personal problems
!isobedient
!emanding
Dow in self"control
!ifficulty handling
frustration
Dacking long"term goals
/ources' Baumrind, 8AG8, 8AHAL (. A. Collins, 5accoby, /teinberg, 4etherington, W Bornstein, :CCCL
!eko&ic W Qanssens, 8AA:L @on1ale1 W (olters, :CC=L Damborn, 5ounts, /teinberg, W !ornbusch, 8AA8L
5accoby W 5artin, 8AH;L D. /. 5iller, 8AA=L aris, 5orrison, W 5iller, :CCJL 6ohner, 8AAHL /imons,
(hitbeck, Conger, W Conger, 8AA8L D. /teinberg, 8AA;L D. /teinberg, Elmen, W 5ounts, 8AHAL Q. 5. T.
(alker W 4oo&er"!empsey, :CCJ.
(ultural 30pectations and .ocialization
As we+&e seen, cultural groups can influence children+s personalities through the parenting styles they
encourage. But culture also has a more direct influence on children+s personal and social de&elopment
through a process known as sociali1ation. That is, members of a cultural group work hard to help growing
children adopt the beha&iors and beliefs that the group holds dear. Children typically learn their earliest
lessons about their culture+s standards and e0pectations for beha&ior from parents and other family
members, who teach them personal hygiene, rudimentary manners Ee.g., saying please and thank youF, and
so on. ?nce children reach school age, teachers become e,ually important sociali1ation agents. For
e0ample, in mainstream (estern society, teachers typically e0pect and encourage a &ariety of specific
beha&iorsOshowing respect for authority figures, following instructions, working independently, asking for
help when it+s needed, controlling impulses, and so on E4elton W ?akland, 8AGGL 6. !. 4ess W 4olloway,
8AH<F. Cultures around the globe encourage many of these beha&iors, but they don+t necessarily endorse all
of them. As an e0ample, let+s return to the opening case study. 6ecall how Dupita sits ,uietly in class,
apparently e&en when she might need help with an assigned task. 5any 5e0ican immigrants are more
accustomed to obser&ing e&ents ,uietly and unobtrusi&ely than to asking adults for e0planations. 6ecall, too,
that Dupita willingly abandons her own pro2ects to play with one classmate and assist two others with
pu11les. ?n a&erage, children of 5e0ican heritage feel more comfortable working cooperati&ely with peers
rather than independently.
6esearchers ha&e obser&ed other cultural differences in personal and social characteristics as well. For
instance, European American families often encourage asserti&eness and independence, but families from
many other countries Ee.g., 5e0ico, China, Qapan, #ndiaF encourage restraint, obedience, and deference to
elders EChao, 8AA<L @oodnow, 8AA:L Qoshi W 5acDean, 8AA<L 6othbaum, (eis1, ott, 5iyake, W 5orelli,
:CCCF. And whereas many children in China are reared to be shy, many in .ambia are reared to smile and
be outgoingE-. Chen, 6ubin, W /un, 8AA:L 4ale"Benson, 8AHJL !. *. F. 4o, 8AHJ, 8AA<F. But considerable
di&ersity e0ists within a culture, with different parents, teachers, and other adults encouraging somewhat
different beha&iors and beliefs.
(hen beha&iors e0pected of students at school differ from those e0pected at home, or when belief systems
presented by teachers are inconsistent with those of children+s parents, children may initially e0perience
some culture shoc). At a minimum, children are apt to be confused and less producti&e than they might be
otherwise, at least in the first few days or weeks of school. /ome youngsters with less adaptable or more
irritable temperaments may e&en become angry or resistant E6. !. 4ess W 4olloway, 8AH<L 3umar, @heen,
W 3aplan, :CC:F.
As teachers, we must especially encourage our students to e0hibit those beha&iors essential for long"term
school success, such as obeying school rules, following instructions, and working independently. For
e0ample, when we e0pect students to work independently, e&en those students who ha&e not had this
e0pectation placed on them at home show impro&ed work habits EQ. D. Epstein, 8AH;F. At the same time,
students will need our guidance, support, and patience when our e0pectations differ from those of their
family or cultural group.
/e0 Education
rint
(ollect 2t@
Email
By 5.Q. .embarYD.B Blume
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
/e0 education classes in late elementary school typically pro&ide students with information related to the
biology of the reproducti&e system. The focus of these classes is on preparing children for somatic changes
related to puberty Ee.g., breast and genital de&elopment, menarcheF. 5any practitioners feel, howe&er, that a
biological focus lea&es children in middle childhood ill"prepared to deal with increased feelings of se0ual
arousal as well as opportunities to act on these feelings. 6esearchers who study the effecti&e elements of
successful comprehensi&e se0uality education programs find that they begin in late middle childhood Ee.g.,
grades = and JF, and in addition to pro&iding information on the biology of puberty these programs'
romote parental in&ol&ement and communication with regard to information, &alues, and beliefs
that stress the effecti&eness of abstinence.
ro&ide support for increased parental monitoring and super&ision.
Teach children strategies for refusing se0ual ad&ances.
Encourage asserti&eness and teach social"problem sol&ing skills.
Focus on reducing the amount of time spent in situations of se0ual possibility and delay se0ual
debut.
Are sensiti&e to the cultural needs of the community.
!espite the fact that more than GCI of parents sur&eyed agree that schools should teach se0 education,
some school officials and parents worry that talking to children in middle childhood about se0 and
contracepti&es implicitly condones se0ual acti&ity. They further argue that teaching children to abstain should
be the focus of se0 education classes.
6esearch consistently finds that communication with children and adolescents about se0 and contracepti&es
does not increase se0ual acti&ity or encourage earlier se0ual debut, but rather encourages the delay of
se0ual debut by appro0imately 8.= years and increases the percentage of youth who report using condoms
E/chuster, Bell, Berry, W 3anouse, 8AAHL /ellers, 5c@raw, W 5c3inlay, 8AA<F. Another finding is that se0
education programs that teach about and encourage abstinence are most effecti&e with those youth who
ha&e not yet had intercourse EAten, /iegel, Enaharo, W Auinger, :CC:F. For some populations Ee.g., Black
urban youthF, this means pro&iding abstinence training sooner Efifth or si0th gradeF rather than later
EQohnson, :CC:F.
A Few Thoughts on Being a arent
rint
(ollect 2t@
Email
By Charles Confer
The )ational >oice of Foster arents
Kpdated on Feb 8=, :C88
Det+s face it friends. Being a parent and ha&ing the responsibility of raising kids is no easy 2ob.
Qust think for a moment' First there are the babies. They wail, shout and cry and un,uestionably let you
know when they are unhappy little campers. And it+s the parent+s 2ob to figure out what ails the little tyke.
(hat in blue bla1es does this wailing, raging infant for whom # am responsible for its health, safety, and well
being want99 !o you want to be fed9 ?r changed9 ?r held9 ?r put down9 /leep9 Burp99999 !on+t you
wish that they could tell you what is wrong9
(ell7 (ait until they are two or three years old and they do start telling you what is wrong and what they
want. And three year olds know what they want and how to get it777 The word $)?7% from the mouth of a
determined three"year"old has stopped many a grown adult in hisSher tracks.
A few years later when things start settling down a bit for the parent, the child trots off to school, and after a
day or two of traumatic separation, the situation changes. The school age child seems to be more
concerned about what their schoolmates think and do than they are influenced by the wishes and concerns
of their $old% parents.
And by the time they get to the teens they are flying off at the speed of light doing their own things and
thinking their own thoughtsOand woe to the adult personSparent who gets in the way and tries to stop the
raging torrents of hormones and independently minded teenage wills.
6aising kids is no easy 2ob. But #+&e learned a lot about being a parent in the last thirty"se&en years. # did get
some help from college professors, counselors, caseworkers, and consultants and by reading $how"to%
books E# must admit that !r. /pock was a great help in the early daysF.
5y real teachers, howe&er, were my three sons. *es, my children taught me most of what # know about
being a parent. # only wish that # would ha&e known the lessons they were trying to teach me when they Eand
#F were younger. /o, in the ne0t page or so, # will share with you some of the important lessons # learned
from my teacherSsons.
*esson ?ne5 #unishment is Bery #opular $ith #arents4 "ut 2t Doesn't $or) in the *on! Run
4ow many of us ha&e grounded the youth for si0 weeks $until he gets his grades up%9 !id it work9 Could
you stand ha&ing a moping, whining, complaining youth confined in the same house where you li&e for forty"
two days and fortytwo nights9 !idn+t you make e0ceptions to the groundingM.2ust to ha&e some peace and
,uiet9 And what about sending your daughter to her room until she $calms down% only to ha&e walls to
repair, mirrors to replace or ha&e to take a ,uick trip to the Emergency 6oom to get stitches and an -"ray of
her swollen knuckles9 /o did that punishment work9 EBy the way, # think that when most parents use the
term $conse,uences% Elike $#f you don+t clean your room, there will be conse,uences.%F they really, really
mean $punishments.% E$#f you don+t clean your room, there will be punishments.%F
unishments don+t work because kids usually find a way to $get e&en% with the person who imposes the
chastisement. #n physics there is a law that states' For e&ery action there is an opposite and e,ual reaction.
# think this law holds true when parents impose punishment. ?ne way or another kids find a way to get back
at parents+ punishment with an opposite and e,ual reaction.
/o what does work9 # mean parents can+t 2ust let the kids run wild. There has to be some way to establish
and encourage family norms and acceptable beha&ior so e&eryone can li&e in the same house together
without open or guerrilla warfare.
5y sons taught me the importance of family meetings. These family meetings were the forums where we
openly addressed problems and together hammered out solutions. (e tried to negotiate differences. And,
although we ne&er achie&ed perfection, things were a whole lot better when we all came together and
e&eryone tried to find a solution that would work out.
)ot that e&eryone always got what they wanted entirely, but we tried to come up with solutions that e&eryone
could at least li&e with.
The rule was' ?3 we choose to look for a solution to this problem, a solution where you won+t get hurt, #
won+t get hurt and it Ethe solutionF is not against the law. That frame of mind lea&es a wide, wide range of
possibilities. (e got into problems when someone thought that they were $right% and that e&eryone else
must ca&e in. But we e&entually learned that it was better for
e&eryone in the family when we all settled oursel&es down, took e&eryone+s desires seriously and looked for
a mutually acceptable solution.
*esson Two5 *ife in the Family >oes "etter $hen Family em/ers Treat 3ach ?ther *i)e
They Do Their Friends
5y sons taught me that ha&ing a strong, positi&e relationship between parents and children makes life down
on the farm Eor in
the apartmentF go a whole lot more smoothly.
4ow did we try to treat each other9 (e tried to treat each other the way we would treat our friends. That
means we would respect the opinions of each other and not nitpick or fight for the $last word.%
The sons taught me that things go much better when we do things togetherM..things that they and # en2oy
doing together. E# e&en
learned to like ?11ie before he was on tele&ision.F Treating family members like friends meant we all had to
gi&e a little to get a little.
# learned that if # wanted to be respected, # had better first show my sons respect. E# mean, how were they to
learn how to respect
someone if their parents didn+t model the beha&ior by respecting them first9F
Family relationships are strengthened when family members spend time doing en2oyable, satisfying things
togetherM.maybe e&en going to a concert together Edon+t forget your earplugsF. ?r working in the yard, or
the kitchen together.
A strong relationship in&ol&es forgi&eness Ewe learned to accept the fact that no oneOe&en !adO is
perfectF. A relationship is
strengthened when both parents and children are willing to struggle together through the bad times Eas well
as the good timesF without nagging, complaining, arguing or playing the $get"back% game.
*esson Three5 There 2s No .uch Thin! As (onstructive (riticism
Criticism is criticism and that+s all there is to it. Any kind of criticism hurts the person who is critici1ed.
Criticism will destroy the relationship between the person who critici1es and the person who is critici1ed. For
e0ample, play this piece of $constructi&e criticism% o&er in your mind. (hat do you really hear the parent
saying9
$Bill, #+m proud of you. *ou didn+t fail a thing this marking period, and you brought e&ery one of your grades
up from last time. BKT # think you could do better if you tried harder.%
!ad is trying to be $constructi&e% with his $criticism.% But it 2ust doesn+t work. Bill has the gut reaction that
!ad is getting on down to what he really wants to say ... right after the $BKT.%
$*our room looks fine, but aren+t those dirty clothes o&er there in the corner9% 5y sons taught me that so
called $constructi&e criticism% hurts and will put relationships in a &ulnerable position.
/o what+s the alternati&e to $constructi&e criticism9% 5y sons helped me to learn how not to critici1e them
and instead to ask a
special type of ,uestion which would help them to $self"e&aluate% their own beha&iors.
#nstead of telling Bill that he could do better if he studied harder, a ,uestion which will help Bill to
selfe&aluate his own beha&ior is usually more beneficial and useful.
$Bill #+m proud of you. *ou didn+t fail a thing this marking period and you brought e&ery one of your grades up
from the last time. Are you satisfied with your grades9 4ow would you rate your accomplishments9% By
asking the last two ,uestions, #+m asking Bill to $self"e&aluate% his work. By using ,uestions that helped my
sons to self"e&aluate their own beha&iors, # a&oided a lot of arguments.
*esson Four5 A #arent -sually 'as Bery *ittle .uccess in Tryin! to Force a (hild to do
.omethin! 'eH.he Doesn't $ant to Do
#t took me a while to learn this lesson. # thought that spelling words should be studied, rooms should be
clean, toys are to be put away and no one is to eat in the tele&ision room. # thought that children should
always obey their parents. EAs the parent, # had forgotten what # did when # was a kid.F
ressuring the child to do something that sShe doesn+t want to do will oft times result in resentment, power
struggles, pay backs and general family brawls.
/o what+s a parent to do9 # learned about the power of negotiation, compromise, working out mutually
satisfying solutions to problems and asking self"e&aluations ,uestions.
*esson Five5 An!er Destroys Family Relationships
5y angry thoughts and deeds usually resulted in arguments, blaming, critici1ing, people becoming
defensi&e, nagging and
complaining. )o one wonL each person was a loser. # learned that there were many good ways to get my
sons+ attention, and
that anger was not one of them. And it was clear that anger and punishing seem to go hand in hand with
usually the same results. # learned to say what # had to say without being angry and nastyL and # found out
that the calmer # was, the calmer they were.
.o how did my sons teach me these lessons8
Z# had to become a good student. # learned to listen and hear what they were saying.
Z# had to admit that # wasn+t always right and that # had lots of shortcomings as a parent and a person.
ZAnd # had to learn that if we were to li&e together as a family, we had to work together as a family Ewith lots
of gi&e and takeF
to achie&e the results we wanted.
#nfluence of Children on arents
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By Q.Q. Bigner
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
?ur culture traditionally ascribes to children the role of learner. Children and adolescents are thought to
need numerous learning e0periences to prepare them for adulthood. They are the ob2ects of adults+ intensi&e
sociali1ation efforts. The relationship between parents and children focuses in many respects on the
configuration of the adult as teacher and the child as learner. From this &iewpoint, there is support for
maintaining the unidirectional model of sociali1ation.
?ur culture also constructs the concept of children as people who are in need of adults+ protection. Children
ob&iously need assistance in learning the many skills considered necessary to their effecti&e functioning as
adults. Today, children are dependent on parents for a longer time than they were earlier in history. The
relationship between parent and child has become one of the last human interactional relationships in which
the use of social power by an adult is largely un,uestioned. Because of the inherent teacher"student ,uality
of this relationship, the power of adults is accentuated in interactions with children. #n addition, the greater
physical si1e and strength of adults also contribute to the greater use of their power o&er children. According
to many psychologists and sociologists, this has caused the child to become something of a &ictim.
ower may not be the culprit, but rather the way in which it is used. /ome adults use power to control and
manipulate, rather than to facilitate, children+s growth and de&elopment. This causes difficulty in the
relationship, especially as children grow older EAmbert, 8AA:F.
(ith the ad&ent of family systems theory, which describes interactions within family relationships as ha&ing a
reciprocal effect upon participants, researchers ha&e begun to acknowledge that children ha&e an impact
upon their parents+ beha&ior EAmbert, 8AA:F. #nitial work points strongly to the effects that children can ha&e
upon adults+ li&es in at least 88 areas' E8F parental healthL E:F adults+ acti&itiesL E;F parental employment
statusL E<F use and a&ailability of family financial resourcesL E=F parents+ intimate relationshipL EJF parents+
interactionsL EGF parent+s community interactionsL EHF parental personality de&elopmentL EAF parents+ &alues,
attitudes, and belief systemsL E8CF parents+ life plansL and E88F adults+ feelings of ha&ing control o&er one+s
life.
These effects are perhaps e&en more broad than are outlined here. (e may wonder why it has taken so
long for beha&ioral and social science to acknowledge the impact of these kinds of influence by children on
adults+ li&es. erhaps this is because it has not been socially proper for adults to admit that children can
influence them EAmbert, 8AA:F.
4ow to 4ear (hat *our Child is 6eally /aying
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5elody Camouflage' !o (e 4ear (hat (e (ant to 4ear9
4earing (ithout Ears' 4ow !o )ewts and /alamanders 4ear (ithout E0ternal Ears9
4ow !o (e 4ear9
Can *ou 4ear 5e )ow9
Family Communication
Talking to *our Teen about /e0 and /e0uality
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arenting
Communicating with *oung Children
Communicating (ith Children of All Ages
Communicating (ith Teens

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By 3eren erles
Kpdated on /ep :J, :C88
!oes your child refuse to e&en look at you when something is bothering him let alone talk to you about it9 3ids
often pull the silent treatment when something's on their mind, and for parents, this can be a frustrating kind of
e0change. )ot to mention, parents are often left to guess at what's irking their child. But parents can take comfort
in the fact that they're not alone when it comes to this kind of communication Eor lack there ofF with their kid.
/elena @eorge, program manager of ET Earent Effecti&eness TrainingF, e0plains that children sometimes
e0press their problems as anger or fear, by saying things like $# hate you7% or by a&oiding a situation all together.
@eorge e0plains that the goal of communicating with children should be to $peel off the layers of anger and fear
until you can figure out what they+re really feelingR and get at the core of what's truly bothering them.
)e&er fear7 Duckily there are things you can do to help you crack the pro&erbial code of kids' feelings. 4ere are
some tips to try out'
Readin! "etween the *ines
As with anyone else, body language is key when it comes to understanding what your child is saying and not
saying. (hen your child is talking about a problem he may ha&e, or if he seems troubled about something, be
sure to pay attention to his body language and listen carefully to whate&er he says to you. #f your child is pushing
his pasta around on his plate during dinner, sitting with his shoulders slumped while staring at a wall, and
answering all ,uestions with $*eah, whate&er% Eassuming that this isn+t your teen+s normal response to any gi&en
,uestion, of course7F, you+ll know that there+s a problem. 6eading your child's body language can be the first step
in identifying if something's bothering him.

3eep in mind that watching body language and listening carefully to muttered words is important during the
con&ersation process as well, so don+t stop looking out for physical cues once you+&e already initiated the
con&ersation.

irrorin! the 3motion
#f you+&e noticed that your child is unhappy or beha&ing differently than usual, or if you know something happened
in your child+s life that may ha&e upset her, try mirroring the emotion back at her by naming it and calling her
attention to it. For e0ample, you might say gently, $*ou ha&en+t eaten a bite of dinner, and your face looks worried
about something% or $Dosing a game can be frustrating, e&en when you know you ga&e it your all.% This will open
the door for your child to talk about whate&er is bothering her.
3eep in mind that this isn't a surefire way to a&oid a door slam in the face. #f your child responds with something
like, $# don+t want to talk about it,% or $*ou ha&e no idea what you+re talking about,% back off and gi&e her some
space. #t may take se&eral con&ersations for your child to feel fully comfortable discussing a problem with you.
E0press your understanding of your child+s position and your willingness to talk. $)o problem. #+m here if you e&er
need me.%
Active *istenin!
Ksing Acti&e Distening will show your child that you are truly trying to understand where she is coming from. (hen
your child speaks to you, you may find yourself wanting to respond with ad&ice, suggestions, or ,uestion after
,uestion. #nstead, stick to the following guidelines for Acti&e Distening'
^ !on't interrupt. #f you need clarity about what your child has said, wait until after he has finished e0pressing
himself.
^ A&oid all distractions, and do nothing else during the con&ersation whene&er possible. /imply stop what you are
doing, and listen. #f you can+t stop, tell your child a time that you will be able to gi&e her your full attention. This will
let her know that what she's saying is important to you.
^ @eorge encourages the use of door opener phrases that in&ite your child to further e0plain how she's feeling.
hrases like, $Tell me more about thatR or R4ow does that make you feel9R *ou can also use noises Ee.g., sighs,
gaspsF or short phrases like $)o kidding,% $6eally.% or e&en 2ust $?h.% These simple and seemingly small
responses will let your child know that you are still listening and interested and more importantly, paying attention.
^ 6etain eye contact with your child and make sure that your own body language con&eys sympathy and focus,
rather than annoyance and distraction.
(onfirmation .tatements
?nce your child finishes talking o&er an e0perience, e0pressing a feeling, or making a complaint, make sure to
confirm your child+s feelings before doing anything else. Confirmation statements can be something like, $/o from
what you+re telling me, you feel annoyed when your sister takes your things without permission. *ou think that you
should be allowed to ha&e a lock on your door to pre&ent this from happening again.% ?r whate&er the case may
be. #t's important to communicate to your child that you'&e heard what she's had to say. These kinds of
confirmations assure your child that you ha&e heard what she's said and understand how she feels. #t also gi&es
her a chance to clarify if you'&e misunderstood any part of what she said.
$ho ?wns the #ro/lem8
@eorge says that in ET courses, one of the most difficult concepts for parents to accept is the beha&ior window,
which is the step of ET where you determine who owns the problem. For e0ample, if a child is getting bad
grades in school, it is sometimes hard for parents to reali1e that that is the child+s problem, not theirs, and needs
to be addressed accordingly. ?n the other hand, if a child wants to stay out late, but the parent has a conflict of
needs with such a late curfew, the problem belongs to both of them. #dentifying the RownerR of the problem will
allow you to not only better understand the problem itself, but also how you might be able to sol&e it and what
solutions might work. #f it is the child+s problem, acti&ely listen to your child and encourage her to talk out the
situation. #f the problem belongs to both of you, howe&er, you can use the winSwin approach to conflicts.
The $inH$in Approach
#f you and your child both share the problem, and the issue must be addressed, make sure to present your child+s
side of the story first and to present the disagreement as a problem to be sol&ed. For e0ample, you might say,
$*ou feel that you should ha&e a lock on your door to keep your little sister out. # don+t feel comfortable with any
door in our house being locked so that # cannot access it. Det+s think if there+s anything we can do so that we+ll
both be satisfied.%
?ften you may find your child is more willing to come up to a solution to the problem and follow it than to simply
follow your way of doing things. #n&iting your child to be a part of the problem sol&ing process and weigh in with
her own opinions and ideas will make her more likely to adhere to and support the solution you both come up
with. @eorge also maintains that $the best way to raise responsible children who make their own decisions is to let
them actually make their own decisions7%
Communicating well with your children, and making sure that you truly understand what they are saying, can gi&e
your children the strength inside themsel&es to come up with their own solutions to problems. 4arsh discipline or
hea&y"handedness does the opposite, creating fear and resistance instead. /o the ne0t time there's a problem
in&ol&ing your child, try some of the tips mentioned abo&e. *ou may be surprised by how much more easily you+ll
be able to understand your child and hear what she's really saying.
Talking to *our Teen about /e0 and /e0uality
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All parents want their children to make healthy decisions. Talking about se0 and se0uality can be difficult for
both you and your child. 4owe&er, open communication and discussion about difficult issues such as se0 will
build trust between you and your child and can help your child make safe choices. Teenage se0uality can be
confusing and o&erwhelming, and as a parent it is important to let your child know that you are a safe source
of support and education.
2t+s never too soon. These days, children are e0posed to se0uality starting at a young age through
tele&ision and media, what they hear in school or from older siblings, and e&en from 2ust passing by
maga1ines in the grocery store. Therefore, it+s important that your child knows early on that he can come to
you with any ,uestions. There are many good books for children of all ages starting from preschool and
going through the teen years that you can share with your child. #f your child asks you a ,uestion about se0
that you think he is too young to know the answer to, ask him where he heard it and what he thinks the
answer is, and then tell him howe&er much you think he needs to hear. 6emember, though, that it+s better if
the truth comes from you.
2ncorporate your own values. /ince birth, your child has been obser&ing the family &alues that you li&e by.
Take some time to e0amine what you ha&e taught her. #nclude your child in this process by sharing the
&alues that your parents set for you, while keeping in mind that times ha&e changed. *our child &alues your
opinion more than you think and ultimately looks to you as an e0ample. Think about where you stand on
issues of teen pregnancy, se0ual orientation, abstinence and contraception. This con&ersation can help to
initiate a more detailed con&ersation about se0. Be prepared to answer ,uestions about what you did when
you were your child+s age.
*isten closely. arent B child communication about se0 and se0uality can go both ways. !o your best to
listen to what your child is saying. 4e may be e0posed to issues surrounding se0 that are not the same as
what you faced at his age, so allow him to educate you on what he+s going through. *our child can help you
to understand what kind of support he may need and this information will allow you to become better
educated. #f you suspect or find out that your child is se0ually acti&e, it is still important to talk to him about it
e&en if you don+t confront him, talk to him about his and your thoughts and &iews about se0, e&en if you+&e
already had the talk. @et to know his friends, his friend+s parents, and his partner if he is in a relationship.
3ducate yourself. 5any parents find it hard to talk about se0uality with their child. #t is normal to be
intimidated by topics such as se0 and se0ual orientation. #n order to be able to pro&ide the kind of support
that your teen may need during this time, educate yourself on abstinence, se0ually transmitted diseases,
and contraception. *ou can ask your child+s pediatrician about how and what to tell your child about se0. ?r,
if both you and your child are uncomfortable, schedule a &isit for her to talk to her doctor. As children get
older, they see the doctor by themsel&es, and any discussions they ha&e are kept confidential, which may
make her more comfortable. The American Academy of ediatrics support se0 education that has
information on both abstinence and birth control, and research shoes that this does not increase the number
of teens ha&ing se0 but helps to keep them safe from unwanted pregnancy and se0ually transmitted
diseases. 4ere are some se0ual health terms you should know'
A/stinence. Det your child know that the most effecti&e kind of birth control and pre&ention against
se0ually transmitted diseases is abstinence, which means no se0ual intercourse
"irth control. Talk to your child about the importance of protecting herself against diseases and
pregnancy if and when she decides to ha&e se0, e&en as an adult. Det her know that she can come to
you or go to her doctor for information on birth control when the time comes. For more information,
&isithttp'SSkidshealth.orgSparentSgrowthSse0ual[healthSabout[bc.html.
.e0ually Transmitted Diseases E.TDsF. As your child+s body becomes that of an adult, let her
know that if something doesn+t feel right, it+s important to let you or the doctor know. #f she is se0ually
acti&e and e&en thinks she may ha&e an /T!, it+s better to get it checked before it turns into something
more serious.
Tal) a/out what you see and hear. The things we see and hear these days in &arious media are &ery
se0ual and can spark a teen+s curiosity. These days, with the internet accessible to almost e&eryone, your
teen can see and find out whate&er she wants. Talk to her about how some of the images we see on T>, on
the internet, and in maga1ines are not &ery respectful to people+s bodies. Also talk about any myths and
misconceptions your child sees and hears. For e0ample, some children belie&e that oral se0 is not a risky
beha&ior because it is not actually se0ual intercourseL let your child know that you can get an /T! from
engaging in oral se0.
.e0ual orientation. Talking about se0 and se0uality is difficult for all teens, but some teens also start to
think about and ,uestion their se0ual orientation. According to the American Academy of ediatrics, se0ual
orientation is a mi0 of the biology that people are born with, their psychology, and their en&ironment. #n other
words, neither you nor your teen can cause or pre&ent his se0ual preferences. For teens who are gay,
lesbian, bise0ual, transgendered, or ,uestioning, it might feel like e&eryone is 2udging them and e0pecting
them to be straight, e&en their parents. Try to be supporti&e of your child, e&en if it is difficult for you to
understand. 6emember that no matter what, your child is still the same child that you know and lo&e. *ou
can support him by helping him find someone to talk to if you can+t be that person. There are also people
you can talk to. #f talking with your child about se0ual identity is challenging, check out this site for articles
that might help both you and her.
8C Tips for 6aising Children of Character
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By !r. 3e&in 6yan
The Center for the Ad&ancement of Ethics and Character
Kpdated on Feb :=, :C88
Adapted from 0uilding Character in !chools, Appendi0 ?ne.
/an Francisco' Qossey"Bass,8AAA
#t is one of those essential facts of life that raising good children""children of character""demands time and
attention. (hile ha&ing children may be Rdoing what comes naturally,R being a good parent is much more
complicated. 4ere are ten tips to help your children build sturdy characters'
8. ut parenting first. This is hard to do in a world with so many competing demands. @ood parents
consciously plan and de&ote time to parenting. They make de&eloping their children+s character their
top priority.
:. 6e&iew how you spend the hours and days of your week. Think about the amount of time your
children spend with you. lan how you can wea&e your children into your social life and knit yourself
into their li&es.
;. Be a good e0ample. Face it' human beings learn primarily through modeling. #n fact, you can+t a&oid
being an e0ample to your children, whether good or bad. Being a good e0ample, then, is probably
your most important 2ob.
<. !e&elop an ear and an eye for what your children are absorbing. Children are like sponges. 5uch of
what they take in has to do with moral &alues and character. Books, songs, T>, the #nternet, and films
are continually deli&ering messagesBmoral and immoralBto our children. As parents we must control
the flow of ideas and images that are influencing our children.
=. Kse the language of character. Children cannot de&elop a moral compass unless people around
them use the clear, sharp language of right and wrong.
J. unish with a lo&ing heart. Today, punishment has a bad reputation. The results are guilt"ridden
parents and self"indulgent, out"of"control children. Children need limits. They will ignore these limits
on occasion. 6easonable punishment is one of the ways human beings ha&e always learned.
Children must understand what punishment is for and know that its source is parental lo&e.
G. Dearn to listen to your children. #t is easy for us to tune out the talk of our children. ?ne of the
greatest things we can do for them is to take them seriously and set aside time to listen.
H. @et deeply in&ol&ed in your child+s school life. /chool is the main e&ent in the li&es of our children.
Their e0perience there is a mi0ed bag of triumphs and disappointments. 4ow they deal with them will
influence the course of their li&es. 4elping our children become good students is another name for
helping them ac,uire strong character.
A. 5ake a big deal out of the family meal. ?ne of the most dangerous trends in America is the dying of
the family meal. The dinner table is not only a place of sustenance and family business but also a
place for the teaching and passing on of our &alues. 5anners and rules are subtly absorbed o&er the
table. Family mealtime should communicate and sustain ideals that children will draw on throughout
their li&es.
8C. !o not reduce character education to words alone. (e gain &irtue through practice. arents should
help children by promoting moral action through self"discipline, good work habits, kind and
considerate beha&ior to others, and community ser&ice. The bottom line in character de&elopment is
beha&ior""their beha&ior.
As parents, we want our children to be the architects of their own character crafting, while we accept the
responsibility to be architects of the en&ironmentBphysical and moral. (e need to create an en&ironment in
which our children can de&elop habits of honesty, generosity, and a sense of 2ustice. For most of us, the
greatest opportunity we personally ha&e to deepen our own character is through the daily blood, sweat and
tears of struggling to be good parents.
Ten Do&ing Things *ou Can !o To Boost *our Child's
!e&elopment
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Do&e ?ur Children K/A
Kpdated on Feb :=, :C88
@ood parenting is the greatest gift you can gi&e your child... that and lo&e, safety, and nurturing7 ?ne
ingredient to being a good parent is to ha&e good role models. )ot all parents know how to do that. By
learning andSor impro&ing your parenting skills, you can be a wonderful a parent, as well as a wonderful role
model.
Anyone and e&eryone can learn good parenting skills. E&en parents who are o&erwhelmed, or alone. The
first three years of your child+s life are crucial. Those are the years that your child will de&elop significant
intellectual, emotional and social abilities. That+s when they learn to gi&e and accept lo&e. They learn
confidence, security, and empathyM they learn to be curious and persistentM e&erything your child needs to
learn to relate well to others, and lead a happy and producti&e life. The first three years are the doorway to
fore&er7
%ou can ma)e a difference in your child+s development /y5
2nteractin! B /pend time watching them and responding to their cues. They will feel lo&ed and
nurtured.
*ovin! Touches B Cradle them, hold them. 4ugs and nurturing are critical to a child+s de&elopment.
#t keeps them calm and comforted, and gi&es them courage to mo&e on.
A .ta/le Relationship B They need someone special to be there when they call.
.afe4 'ealthy 3nvironment B lug the outlets, block the stairs. 3eep lead away7 5ake a safe,
special place so for them to e0plore.
.elf:3steem B They can, they can, they can """ with your lo&e and encouragement7 raise them
often7
7uality (hild (are B Children must be cared for in your absence with people you can trust. Check
references.
(ommunication BE&en babies need the stimulation of con&ersation.
#lay B Dearn how to play together. 4a&e fun. *ou+ll teach your children a lot7
usic B 5usic is fun and soothing and helps them through their de&elopmental stages.
Readin! B Teaches with pictures, with words and with lo&e. *ou+ll help your children become good
readers by reading to them.
The 4idden Qoys of arenthood
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(hen Cli,ue"y @irls are @rownups' )a&igating the /ocial (orld of arenthood
/tages of arenthood
/ingle arenthood' Finding Puality Time (ith *our Child
5aking /ense of the 4idden Curriculum
lay 4idden )umbers
/eparating Color igments 4idden in a @reen Deaf
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By atricia /mith
Kpdated on 5ar J, :CCA
A star is born, or so you hope. ?pening night of the dance recital has arri&ed and your G"year"old ballerina
couldn+t be more e0cited. (ith so many hours of practice, your daughter feels confident that her feet won+t
let her down. The lights go up and there she is, center stage. The music starts, but she doesn+t. anic sets in
and a full blown case of stage fright is there for all to see. (hile you don+t feel the 2oy right now, someday
you+ll look back and cherish the memory.
(hy wait9 The time to embrace the hidden 2oys of parenthood is now. /ure, there+ll be times when failed
e0pectations will lea&e you deflated, disappointed and maybe e&en embarrassed. But the sooner you let
your child be your teacher, the sooner you+ll belie&e that sometimes the worst of times are the best of times.
#t+s all about allowing the hidden 2oys to rise to the top. Below is a primer to guide you on your treasure hunt.
Reco!nize 1oy. Are you 2oy"challenged9 @o to your local ice cream shop and let your J"year"old
order up his fa&orite treat. )ow, watch his eyes light up when the clerk hands him the double"scoop
peanut"butter"and"2elly hot fudge e0tra&agan1a. That+s pure, unadulterated 2oy.
.avor 1oy. *our 8C"year"old son doesn+t miss a thing. The ne0t time you see him crouched on the
ground, enthralled by a snail oo1ing a slimy path, 2oin him and sa&or the moment.
30pect 1oy. *our 8:"old"year is positi&e she+s going to win the class spelling bee. Chances are good
that she will. *ou're positi&e you aren+t going to get that raise at work. Chances are good that you won+t.
Qoy is a state of mind. E0pect that good things will happen and they will.
30press 1oy. Disten and learn. *our 8="year"old yelps and screams when the football ,uarterback
calls and in&ites her to the prom. E0pressing 2oy includes dancing, singing and 8C te0t messages to
friends far and near. E0pressing 2oy means sharing it with others.
#reserve 1oy. *ou sa&ed the macaroni necklace he made for you on his first day of kindergarten.
)ow, your 8G"year"old son is heading off to /tanford. Dife goes by so fast, that if you don+t stop and look
around, you might miss it, according to mo&ie icon Ferris Bueller. reser&e e&ery bit of parenting 2oy
while there+s still time.
/etting a @ood E0ample
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By 6onald D. it1er, E0tension Family /ociologist
A Better Child
Kpdated on /ep ;, :CCA
Famous child psychiatrist Frit1 6edl used to say to groups of parents' R@et out your paper and pencils. # am
going to tell you the three most important things you will e&er need to know about raising children.R The
parents would wait breathlessly for his words of wisdom. Then he would say, RE0ample, e0ample, e0ample.R
/imilarly, Eda De/han, a family counselor and author about parenting, has often said' RThe only way to raise
a decent human being is by being one.R These two obser&ers are correct' what children become probably
has most of all to do with the e0ample set by those who raise them.
Aon)ey see4 mon)ey do.A
ADo as 2 say4 not as 2 do.A
These sayings describe two ways of teaching' by e0ample and by preaching. *oung children usually learn
by the Rmonkey see, monkey doR method.
#n case you doubt the importance of teaching by e0ample, think about your own childhood. 4ow were you
most influenced to become the person you now areOfor better or for worse9 (as it mostly what you learned
in school9 (as it mostly your grade"school and high"school and adult friends9 (as it mostly mo&ies or
tele&ision9 Chances are that the person you ha&e become was influenced mostly by the e0ample set by
your parents and other people who were close to you when you were young.
#arents as Role odels
*oung children do not ha&e prior knowledge or skills, and so they eagerly look for someone to imitate. That
RsomeoneR is usually one or both of their parents. arents are a child's first teachers and role models.
Ksually children are more affected by what their parents do than by what their parents say. They learn how
to beha&e by seeing how their mothers and fathers beha&e and following their e0ample. For this reason, you
need to be aware of the RlessonsR you may unintentionally be teaching your children. Children often learn
without a parent's reali1ing it. For e0ample, it's not unusual for a mother to o&erhear her four"year"old child
scolding a younger sister or brother or a doll in the same sharp tones that she herself uses when scolding
the children. /uch unintentional influences are 2ust as powerful as those we carefully plan.
.ocial s)ills. /ocial skills and attitudes are often best taught by e0ample. A child will learn good manners
more easily when RpleaseR and Rthank youR are part of daily life. The learning is gradual and occurs more
naturally at home. As children take part in social acti&ities with a parent, they begin to notice how the parent
reacts to other people and new situations. A child's own self"confidence in meeting people often depends on
the parent's e0ample.
Respect for others. Children learn more than social skills and table manners from their parents. They also
learn how to &alue other people and institutions. arents who regularly put down other people are teaching
their child that other people are unimportant. Be aware that the way you treat your child sets an e0ample for
how your child should treat others. #f you want your child to respect the rights and feelings of others, then
you must begin by respecting your child's rights and feelings.
Do it yourself. Consistency between teaching and e0ample is &ery important. #f you try to teach your child
one thing but then beha&e in a different or opposite way yourself, your child will become confused and
frustrated as to what to do and whom to belie&e. ?ne man reportedly shouted at his children constantly'
R/ay 'please,' say 'thank you.'R *et he was ne&er heard to say RpleaseR or Rthank youR to his children. 5ore
likely he would shout across the yard, R@o wash your hands for lunchR or R@et me the hammerR Ewith no
RpleaseR and no Rthank youRF. ?r suppose a fi&e"year old is caught hitting another fi&e"year"old. 4is parent
tells him that he must not hit peopleOand then gi&es him a spanking as punishment. The parent's action is
inconsistent with the message and the child doesn't know whether to belie&e the words or the actions.
The home atmosphere. Children not only unconsciously imitate the beha&ior of their parents, but they also
absorb the general atmosphere of the home. A child reared in a home filled with lo&e, affection, and
cooperation can more easily show lo&e to others. This doesn't mean that you ha&e to a&oid conflicts, but the
way you handle conflicts is important. arents who cope with problems by blaming others should not be too
surprised to hear their child say, R/ally did it, not me.R #f, on the other hand, a parent makes a real effort to
tackle a problem, the child will be less likely to gi&e up at the first sign of trouble.
Accentuate the positive. erhaps instead of focusing attention on punishments and rewards, what threats
will work, and whether to spank or not, we might better find some ,uiet time and place and try to define what
,ualities we would like our children to ha&e when they grow up. Then remember what one mother said' R#f #
try to li&e by my &alues, my kids will follow my lead.R
30plain thin!s. reach what you practice. That is, don't 2ust do it, say it. 5odeling is more effecti&e when
we talk about what we are doing and why. #f we take soup to a sick friend or if we work on a community
pro2ect, our children are more likely to pay attention to what we are doing and to copy those efforts if we
share our moti&ations. Children often ha&e no idea why we do what we do. E0plaining that we think it's
important to be helpful and that's why we're bringing the soup or that we share the responsibility for making
our community a better place to li&e and that's why we go to meetings, helps our children understand our
reasoning and relate our acti&ities to their own beha&ior.
Also talk about the ways you cope. Children need to see how people deal with the kind of situations and
dilemmas in life that they face. A father going out to clean the garage might say, R?h, this place is such a
mess, # don't know where to begin Emirroring the child's typical feelings about her own room, if this is an
issueF. R# guess #'ll 2ust start in one corner and see how far # get in an hour.R The adult demonstrates a way of
coping with feelings and shows how to take on a task step by step.
2nfluence of Television
Another powerful model for children resides in your homeOthe T> set. 5any of the &alues and beha&iors
depicted on T> are not what parents want for their children' materialism Echildren see :C,CCC commercials a
yearF, promiscuity Echildren can now see up to <C se0ual encounters a week, according to one studyF, and
the flagrant use of alcohol Eon crime shows, someone takes a drink on the a&erage of four times an
hourF. Biolence on TB. The )ational #nstitute for 5ental 4ealth has concluded that there is now
o&erwhelming e&idence of a causal link between children watching T> &iolence and engaging in &iolent acts.
6esearch consistently shows that children are affected by aggressi&e T> models who relate to others either
through &erbal put"downs or physical &iolence. reschool children who watch &iolent /aturday morning T>
programs are more apt to be &iolent than those who don't.
#n a 8C"year study, !r. Deonard Eron found that the single best predictor of how aggressi&e a young man
would be at age 8A was the amount of &iolent tele&ision he had watched at age eight. 6esearch also shows
that children who watch programs like 5r. 6ogers are less aggressi&e, more cooperati&e, and more
imaginati&e than kids who fre,uently watch action, cartoon, and game shows.
$hat to do a/out TB. The research suggests two courses of action for parents on the sub2ect of kids' T>
&iewing' 8F limit children's e0posure to negati&e models Epeople you wouldn't want children to imitateF by
closely monitoring their &iewingL and :F help children e&aluate the e0amples they see on T> by discussing
the actions of the &arious characters. Children are more apt to be aware of our &alues and less likely to be
influenced by T> models if we talk about the beha&ior we see and its positi&e and negati&e conse,uences.
#arents Aren't #erfect
)one of the abo&e comments assume that any of us are capable of perfection or anything close to it. (e all
lose our tempers, say things we're sorry for, are not always as kind as we would like to be, maybe e&en
cheat a little here or there. #t is reassuring that it is the general trend in our beha&ior that influences our
children, not the isolated instances of bad Eor goodF beha&ior. (e are humanL so are our children. erfection
can be e0pected of neither. (hat is important is to admit our mistakes, say we're sorry, and demonstrate
how we try to make amends for our failures.
Consider this statement by Chicago )ews columnist /ydney Q. 4arris' R(hen parents talk about discipline,
they mean a rigid set of rules to pre&ent their children from misbeha&ing. But the only discipline worthy of the
name lies in pro&iding a solid framework of idealsOnot for the child to li&e up to, but for the parents to li&e
within. *ou can beat children until they are black and you are blue, but it cannot make them any better than
the e0amples they see around them e&ery day.R
>ariations in arenting
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By !. /. (ittmerY/. 4. etersen
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
Teachers meeting &ery young infants in child care are often fascinated by the ,uick pace of change and
de&elopment they are able to obser&e. /ometimes it seems as though a baby is changing before your &ery
eyes. The huge changes the parents are e0periencing in themsel&es is not always as ob&ious, but they are
e,ually profound and teachers can be &ery helpful as people make the transition to parenthood.
?ur common biological and e&olutionary heritage and our cultural &ariations, although each a huge factor in
parenting, barely begin to describe the many influences on how people act as parents. An ecological
approach to parenting describes a number of factors that account for the &ariation we find across families
and that ha&e a significant influence on how the family forms and functions E/usman"/tillman, Appleyard, W
/iebenbruner, :CC;F. These factors include attitudes, early e0periences, and current circumstances, as
follows'
The family+s attitudes toward family membership and marriage
The impact of childhood family and attachment e0perience
The impact of economic opportunity
The impact of the parents+ relationship
The mother+s influence on paternal in&ol&ement
The influence of a single parent+s other adult relationships
Economics as a factor affecting parent"child interactions
The family+s attitudes toward family mem/ership and marria!e.
/tudies show that women respect marriage and ha&e a positi&e attitude toward it, but often delay it. (hen
they ha&e had unstable and abusi&e relationships with men, they choose to delay marriage until they are
economically self"sufficient and ha&e raised their own young children. They see this delay as pro&iding them
with more power and control in the marriage, balancing their desires for a partner who can make their li&es
better against their fears of domestic &iolence and unfaithful partners EEdin, :CCCL Fitchen, 8AA=F.
The impact of childhood family and attachment e0perience.
The structure of one+s own family growing up seems to ha&e less impact on choosing marriage than
perceptions of marital happiness and day"to"day family life E@olombok, :CCCF. (hile the translation of early
attachment relationships into marital relationships has not been widely studied, it appears that when both
adults had secure relationships as children, they report less ambi&alence about their marriage and more
competence in parenting E>olling, )otaro, W Darsen, 8AAHF.
The impact of economic opportunity.
The relati&e economic opportunities of the two adults affect their relationship and their willingness to marry. #f
a woman sees the man as ha&ing the potential to raise her economic state, she is more likely to marry. #f her
economic status seems more secure if she is single, she is more likely to want to li&e separately or cohabit,
rather than marry EEdin :CCCF.
The impact of the parents+ relationship.
The ability of the adults to negotiate conflict and maintain positi&e feelings between them increases their
ability to attend to their young children and meet their needs E@able, Belsky, W Crnic, 8AA:F. Fathers in
satisfying, stable marriages are more in&ol&ed with their children and feel greater competence and
satisfaction as fathers E*eung, /andberg, !a&is"3ean, W 4offerth, :CC8F. 5arital satisfaction often declines
during the years with a young child in the homeL it can be a strain e&en for lo&ing couples who choose to
ha&e a family. Couples who had consistently unhappy marriages seem least able to pro&ide nurturing
parenting E3erig, Cowan, W Cowan, 8AA;F.
The mother+s influence on paternal involvement.
The mother+s positi&e attitude toward the father and her support of the father+s in&ol&ement are important
factors in both married and unmarried families ECarlson W 5cDanahan, :CC:F. 5others draw fathers into
in&ol&ement with their children by ha&ing child"centered con&ersations, encouraging fathers to take on
caregi&ing tasks, and ha&ing a harmonious mother"father relationship EColey W Chase"Dansdale, 8AAAF.
The influence of a sin!le parent+s other adult relationships.
/ingle parents and their children benefit when the parents ha&e other helpful adult relationships. /trong
social networks of friends andSor family can increase the success of single parents in their ability to maintain
strong, positi&e relationships with their children. /ingle parents are often able to meet their own needs
through friendships or support groups E?lson W 4aynes, 8AA;F. 4owe&er, e0tended families without
resources, or with additional difficulties of their own, can intrude on the parent"infant relationship and be an
impediment EFitchen, 8AA=F.
3conomics as a factor affectin! parent:child interactions.
Economics may ha&e more impact on children+s socioemotional de&elopment than does family structure
E3esner W 5c3enry, :CC8F. Fathers with fewer economic resources tend to ha&e less in&ol&ement with their
children EColey W Chase"Dansdale, 8AAAF. Fathers who are employed, in higher socioeconomic le&els and
with good 2obs, tend to be more in&ol&ed with their children, but work schedules can interfere with consistent
parenting opportunities E*eung et al., :CC8F.
The foregoing description of personal history, attitudes and beliefs, social en&ironment, and economic
resources describes some of the impact these factors may ha&e on parenting. ast relationships, current
relationships, economic resources, and social resources may each affect whether adults choose to marry to
raise a family, choose to li&e within e0tended families, or choose highly alternati&e family structures. (hat is
clear, howe&er, is that becoming a parent has a huge and completely uni,ue impact on each person.
(hat #s the Family's 6ole9
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By !. . 4allahanYQ. (. DloydY3auffmanY5.. (eissYE.A. 5artine1
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
Families are an ama1ingly complicated phenomenon to study. /o"called normal families display a &ariety of
intricate interactions, both positi&e and negati&e. 5ost of us ha&e strong reactions to and memories about
our families. (e can recall &i&idly good as well as bad times in our families. And it is not uncommon to
recei&e &ery different interpretations of family dynamics from different members of the same family. Families
that contain a member with learning disabilities are e&en more complicated. Qust the e0tra time re,uired to
parent a child with learning disabilities can alter how parents and siblings interact with the child who has
learning disabilities as well as with nondisabled family members.
Family Ad1ustment
For many years, the customary way of &iewing parental reactions was to consider them in terms of stage
theoryOthe notion that parents, on learning that their child has a disability, go through a set se,uence of
emotional reactions o&er a period of time. 5uch of the impetus for a stage theory approach comes from
work done on reactions people ha&e to the death of a lo&ed one. A typical se,uence of reactions, based on
inter&iews of parents of infants with serious physical disabilities, is shock and disruption, denial, sadness,
an0iety and fear, anger, and adaptation E!rotar, Baskiewic1, #r&in, 3ennell, W 3laus, 8AG=F. Although such a
theoretical framework has been more popular when considering children with more serious disabilities, some
professionals ha&e used this model in working with parents of children with learning disabilities.
5ore recently, many researchers ha&e re2ected the idea of a fi0ed se,uence of stages through which all
parents of students with disabilities pass E4ammitte W )elson, :CC8F. /ome parents do not e0perience some
of these stagesL of those who do, not all e0perience them in the same order EFriend W Cook, :CC;F. Further,
Rwithin the same family, some members may ha&e strong coping capabilities and others may need much
more support because their own capabilities ha&e not yet been de&eloped fullyR ETurnbull W Turnbull, :CC8,
p. AAF.
#arental >uilt
?f the many emotions parents feel when they first learn that their child has a disability, perhaps the most
common is guilt. This reaction may occur because the causes of most disabilities are unknown. /ome
parents respond to this uncertainty about cause by blaming themsel&es for their child's disability.
6esults of familiality studies and herita/ility studies indicate that learning disabilities can be inherited.
There are, howe&er, no ,uick and easy tests to determine that a child has inherited a learning disability from
one or both parents. For some parents, the possibility that their child's learning disability may ha&e been
inherited can arouse feelings of guiltL for others, a genetic or biological e0planation may help alle&iate guilt
and e&en help e0plain some of their own problems.
#arental .tress
6aising any child can be stressful. Although helping children to negotiate the many pitfalls of childhood,
adolescence, and e&en adulthood can be &ery rewarding, the responsibility for the well"being of a child in a
society that is undergoing as many changes as ours can be o&erwhelming. #nfluences on children of the
media, &iolence, and drugs, to mention a few, make the responsibilities of being a parent comple0 and
difficult.
There is abundant e&idence that being the parent of a child with learning disabilities increases the chances
of e0periencing stress E!yson, 8AAJL @reen, 8AA:L Dardieri, Blacher, W /wanson, :CCCL 5argalit W Almougy,
8AA8L 5argalit, 6a&i&, W Ankonina, 8AA:F. Although the deficits of learning disabilities are often not as
conspicuous as those of children with physical or psychological disabilities, the &ery fact that students with
learning disabilities do function within or close to the mainstream may create some &ery difficult decisions for
parents and students, especially during adolescence. #n particular, parents of adolescents with learning
disabilities are likely to ha&e difficulty deciding how much freedom and independence to allow their children
E5orrison W .etlin, 8AA:F. For e0ample, deciding when the child is ready to assume the responsibility of
dri&ing a car is often more difficult for parents of children with learning disabilities.
Another complicating factor is that many parents of children with learning disabilities e0hibit e0ternal
attributionsL that is, they &iew themsel&es as being powerless to help their children cope with their problems
E@reen, 8AA:F. 4ow much their attributions are caused by their children's problems, or &ice &ersa, is open to
speculation, but the end result is that some of these parents either become dependent and gi&e up trying to
direct their children's li&es or become o&erly rigid and controlling E5argalit W Almougy, 8AA8L 5argalit et al.,
8AA:L 5ichaels W Dewandowski, 8AACF.
Adding to the plight of some children with learning disabilities and their families is a higher pre&alence of
family instability and disruption. 6esearchers ha&e found that children with learning disabilities are more
likely than those without such disabilities to e0perience parental di&orce, change of schools, or parental or
sibling death or illness EDorsbach W Frymier, 8AA:F. There is speculation about whether such factors are
causal. That is, does a child with a learning disability make the family more susceptible to some of these
disruptions, or do some of these traumas contribute to the child's learning disability9 6egardless of whether
there is a causal connection and in which direction it is manifest, family instability makes it difficult for some
families to cope with a child who has a learning disability.
.i/lin! Reactions
6esearch on whether siblings of children with learning disabilities e0perience more problems in ad2ustment
is mi0ed. /ome siblings ha&e trouble ad2usting, some ad2ust well, and some report that they actually benefit
from the e0perience E!yson, 8AAJL /eligman W !arling, 8AHAL /enapati W 4ayes, 8AHHF. ?thers e0perience
the same positi&e and negati&e dynamics found in all sibling relationships EDardieri et al., :CCCF, as Qamal's
sister indicates'
Qamal has a learning disability because he has trouble reading. /ometimes, he needs contracts and special
rewards, but that doesn't bother me. To me, he's 2ust my brother, Qamal. /ometimes, # like him, and
sometimes, # don't. (e can get along and play games, and # usually like looking out for him since #'m older.
?ther times, # think he's annoying and # want him to lea&e me alone.
"atricia /mith, Qamal's sister
@enerally speaking, howe&er, brothers and sisters of children with disabilities are at a greater risk of ha&ing
problems in their relationships with their siblings than are siblings of children without disabilities. 6esentment
can build, for e0ample, because the child with a learning disability recei&es more attention from parents. #t is
often difficult for parents to pro&ide an e,ual amount of care and attention to the child with a learning
disability and to the other children in the family. Furthermore, some of the same social problems children
with learning disabilities ha&e with their peers are likely to play a role in interactions with siblings. oor
impulse control, difficulties in reading social cues, and so forth can make for &olatile sibling relationships.
Family Reaction
Although a number of problems can confront families of children with learning disabilities, the ma2ority of
families adapt &ery well. /ome parents e0perience ha&ing a child with a disability as actually ha&ing some
positi&e benefits. They say they ha&e become more concerned about social issues and more tolerant of
differences in other people. /ome report that their families and marriages ha&e been brought closer together
because of their child's disabilityL they think that the common purpose of rallying behind their child has
resulted in greater family cohesi&eness. Although there is no definiti&e research on this, anecdotal e&idence
suggests that many special education teachers chose their profession because they had a sibling with a
disability.
rofessionals working with children with learning disabilities and their families must keep in mind that there
is no uni&ersal set of reactions e0perienced by these families. 5ost families ad2ust well, some e0perience
minor difficulties, and a few e0perience enough turmoil and stress to be considered dysfunctional.
Family Balues and Attitudes toward *earnin!
arents and families play a significant role in determining the social, intellectual, and physical well"being of
their children. arents can e0ert influence on their children through interactions with them as well as through
attitudes. For e0ample, parents can challenge their children intellectually and e0pose them to a &ariety of
learning e0periences, or they can subtly discourage their intellectual de&elopment through their attitudes
toward school and learning.
A good e0ample of how important families are to the academic achie&ement of their children is that of the
/outheast Asian boat children who ha&e immigrated to the Knited /tates. !espite se&ere economic
disad&antages, many of these children do e0ceedingly well in school. #n particular, #ndochinese families that
maintain their traditional &alues, which include an emphasis on achie&ement and learning, outperform their
American peers of the same economic status. 4owe&er, if #ndochinese families allow their children to
become acculturated to certain American &alues Ee.g., pursuing material possessions and entertainmentF,
the achie&ement of these children is lower, being closer to that of their American peers ECaplan, Choy, W
(hitmore, 8AA:F.
6egardless of the cultural group to which one belongs, children whose parents &alue education are at an
ad&antage. And for the child with learning disabilities, it is e&en more important that the family instill a
positi&e attitude toward learning and school.
#arents and 'omewor)
Ask parents of children with learning disabilities what their greatest areas of concern regarding schooling for
their children are, and they are &ery likely to put homework at the top of the list. Ask teachers whether this
concern is &alid, and they are &ery likely to concur. /e&eral researchers ha&e documented that parents and
teachers &iew homework as a ma2or stumbling block for students with learning disabilities EBryan, )elson, W
5athur, 8AA=L Bryan W /ulli&an"Burstein, 8AAGL Epstein, 5unk, Bursuck, ol8oway, W Qayanthi, 8AAAF.
4omework can cause a great deal of stress in families of these students, as is re&ealed in this parent's
statement' R4omework has dominated and ruined our li&es for the past eight yearsR EBaumgartner, Bryan,
!onahue, W )elson, 8AA;, p. 8H:F. Knfortunately, this negati&e perception of homework starts in the early
primary grades EBryan et al., 8AA=F.
@i&en that students with learning disabilities ha&e academic problems, they understandably will ha&e
difficulties with homework. Their cogniti&e and metacogniti&e difficulties, such as poor memory and
organi1ational skills, can cause them problems with homework. For e0ample, these students are more likely
than students without learning disabilities to forget to bring their homework home or to take their completed
homework to school, and they are more likely to lose their homework. #n sum, there are few aspects of
homework that do not pose ma2or problems for students with learning disabilities.
$hat Teachers (an Do
To combat difficulties associated with completing homework,
students with D! need to learn skills related to listening for and accurately recording an assignment,
planning how much time should be scheduled to complete it and when to complete it, identifying what
materials are needed and taking them home, setting attainable goals related to the homework, recruiting
help when needed, monitoring where they are with regard to task completion, and rewarding themsel&es for
sticking to the plan and completing the task. E4ughes, 6uhl, /chumaker, W !eschler, :CC:, p. :F
?ne promising means for accomplishing this is teaching assignment"completion strategies such as the
6?QECT /trategy, which has been taught to middle"school students with learning disabilities.
First, students prepare their forms by noting e&ents Ee.g., tests, pro2ect due dates, athletic gamesSe&ents,
holidays, birthdaysF on monthly calendars and, then, on a weekly study schedule, so time can be planned
accordingly. /econd, students record assignments on sheets, and ask ,uestions about any confusing
elements of the assignment. Third, students organi1e their day's assignments. Fourth, students R2ump to itR
to combat task a&oidance. Fifth, students engage in the work, noting problems and recruiting help as
needed. /i0th, students check and e&aluate the ,uality of their work. Finally, students make arrangements
Ee.g., place the work in a backpack by the doorF for turning in the assignment E4ughes et al., :CC:F.
#n addition to teaching assignment"completion strategies, there are at least four ways that teachers can
increase the chances of making homework a successful e0perience for students with learning disabilities.
First, teachers, especially in elementary school, should not assign homework that emphasi1es the
ac,uisition of new information ECooper, 8AHAF. #n the case of students with learning disabilities, it is probably
e&en more important that the homework not re,uire students to perform skills they ha&e not already been
taught in school. #nstead, the homework should focus on proficiency and maintenance of skills already within
the student's repertoire Eolloway, Foley, W Epstein, 8AA:F.
/econd, teachers need to be careful that students with learning disabilities understand their assignments.
Because these students ha&e problems listening and copying directions accurately, they often
misunderstand assignments or forget them. Teachers should therefore be e0plicit in their assignments.
/ome suggestions for making sure students understand their assignments are ElF encourage students to ask
,uestions, E:F specify resources and how much help they can get, E;F choose students to re&iew the
directions for the class, and E<F allow students to begin homework in class under the teacher's guidance
E/alend W /chliff, 8AHAL /awyer, )elson, Qayanthi, Bursuck, W Epstein, 8AAJF.
Third, teachers should set up a system whereby they can efficiently monitor students' homework. ?ne
popular method is for each student to ha&e an assignment book wherein ElF the teacher initials the
assignment before the student lea&es school to make sure the information was written down correctly, E:F
the parent signs the assignment after the student has completed it, and E;F the teacher checks it the ne0t
day at the start of class EEpstein, olloway, Foley, W atton, 8AA;F. Teachers should also pro&ide positi&e
conse,uences for homework completion E4ughes et al., :CC:F.
Finally, some research suggests that in&ol&ing parents in the homework process can be beneficial
E6osenberg, 8AHAF. 4ow much in&ol&ement is helpful will &ary with the particular parents. #t is a good idea,
howe&er, that teachers at least make parents aware of homework policies and seek their feedback regarding
their &iews on homework. Communicating with parents about homework is important, because as the
following ,uote suggests, parents are often frustrated by what they percei&e to be a lack of sympathy for
their plight' R/ure, #'d like to get in&ol&ed, but when9 There's 2ust not enough time. # can't come home to
conferences during school hours7 And then the teacher makes me feel like a bad parentR EBaumgartner
etal.,8AA;, p.8H:F.
$hat #arents (an Do
By definition, homework is done primarily at homeL therefore, it is logical that parents can be influential in
reducing homework problems. #n addition to contingencies that most parents use with their children
regarding homework Ee.g., allowing the child a pri&ilege or special rewardOT>, &isits with friends, etc.Oif
homework is finishedF, parents of students with learning disabilities also need to be particularly attenti&e to
organi1ational factors. As already noted, it is not 2ust academic work that may be difficult for many students
with learning disabilities. These students also need help in planning and organi1ing their work time. arents
can help them decide on the best time and place for their homework and assist them in choosing a ,uiet,
distraction"free area for studying.
$hat .tudents (an Do
/tudents need to take an acti&e role in managing their own homework routine. )o amount of teacher or
parent in&ol&ement will be enough if the student does not ha&e the desire to do well on homework
assignments. Knfortunately, students with learning disabilities are renowned for their poor study habits. For
e0ample, when researchers inter&iewed students about their homework practices, those with learning
disabilities differed on se&eral ,uestions pertaining to attention, moti&ation, and study skills E@a2ria W /alend,
8AA=F.
Finally, parents should gi&e careful thought to who, if anyone, will gi&e the child direct help with homework.
!epending on the particular family, a sibling, parent, or family friend might be designated as the helper. But
for many students, learning disabled or not, family members and close friends are not good choices as
helpers. !isagreements, arguments, and so forth that are likely to arise o&er other matters can interfere with
the homework session. For parents who can afford it, tutors are often an e0cellent alternati&e.
#arents as Advocates
E&en though #!EA protects the rights of students with disabilities to recei&e a free, appropriate education,
there are times when schools or other community agencies are not completely responsi&e to these students'
needs. E&en the best schools are not perfect, and gi&en the myriad learning and social problems presented
by most students with learning disabilities, it is understandable that there are times when it will be helpful to
ha&e someone speak on the student's behalf. At some point, most parents of students with learning
disabilities find it necessary to ad&ocate for their children to ensure that they recei&e the best education
possible.
/ome parents may not be able to assume the role of ad&ocate because of the time commitment this entails.
As one manual for parents of children with learning disabilities states'
#f you decide to undertake the role of ad&ocate for your child, it should be with the reali1ation that this is not
a skill you will learn and then use for a year or two. arents of D! children need to acknowledge that they
will be the person Eactually the only personF who has the o&erall picture of the child's disability, not only at a
single point in time but throughout the years. *ou will find yourself playing the role of facilitator, coordinator,
and o&erseer"no matter how good your child's school program and no matter how competent the
professionals working with your child. #t's much better to undertake the 2ob reali1ing that it's a long"term
commitment that will demand the best of your skills and energy than to approach the situation with the idea
that your responsibilities will be to find the right school and the right teacher, and, that done, you will be able
to rela0 while others take o&er. EDearning !isabilities Council, :CC:, pp.:C":8F
The Dearning !isabilities Council E:CC:F manual for parents also recommends that parents or guardians
keep a file containing information pertaining to the student's academic, health, and work e0periences. This
information can be used by the parent, and later by the child, to ad&ocate for ser&ices and pro&isions.
As children with learning disabilities mature, they must become more and more comfortable with being their
own ad&ocates, especially after they finish secondary school. For e0ample, it is helpful for students who
attend college to know how to talk about their disability and the accommodations they need with their
ad&isor, the staff from the office pro&iding assistance to students with disabilities, and indi&idual instructors.
Family /ystems
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This article is based on the premise that families of children with disabilities, like families of all other children,
want their offspring to ha&e meaningful, en2oyable, and successful li&es. Furthermore, it recogni1es that in
order for this to be possible professionals must respect and appreciate each family's uni,ue position as they
stri&e toward this end. The o&erall family dynamics that are impacted by the presence of a child with a
disability are first presented. /econd, the reader is introduced to fathers and siblings and their perspecti&es,
which are often neglected in a literature that has traditionally emphasi1ed the mother's role within the family
system. Finally, parental &iewpoints and opinions regarding community inclusion for their children with
disabilities are discussed.
Ad1ustments5 Dealin! with the Disa/ility
Reactions
(hen a family is first told their long awaited Rbundle of 2oyR has a disability, it is not easy to predict how each
family member will react Eowers, 8AA;F. 5ost families first recei&e this information from medical
professionals while they are dealing with the hospitali1ation of their infant or toddler EDong, Artis, W !obbins,
8AA;L earl, 8AA;F. 6ecei&ing information pertaining to the birth Eor diagnosisF of such a child is indeed
o&erwhelming EBuck, 8A=CL Dong et al., 8AA;L 5eyer, 8AHJbF.
Each family member's reaction stems from intense feelings and draining emotions, often lea&ing them
confused, bewildered, and full of ,uestions. ?f course, a ma2or key to working effecti&ely with such families
is to respect their right to e0press this intense and constantly &arying range of emotions EFewell, 8AHJL
@ibbs, 8AA;F.
?&er the years # ha&e often heard that parents must learn to accept the fact that their child has disabilities. #
know no parent who hasn't accepted their child's disabilities. (hen you get up in the morning and force your
child's legs into braces, put them in a wheelchair, feed them breakfast, gi&e their antisei1ure medication, you
ha&e accepted and are dealing with your child's disability. E/tatum, 8AA=, p. JHF
rofessionals naturally may make generali1ations regarding how parents might react and respond to their
child with a disability. This is usually in hope of working more effecti&ely with the families. ?ften, howe&er,
the parental feelings, emotions, and beha&iors are unpredictable. After all, few families are prepared to face
the comple0 issues confronting them E/inger W owers, 8AA;F.
3motional 2mpact
arental e0pectations regarding their child's disability can be strongly influenced by the different types and
se&erity of the disability EFewell, 8AHJL 3roth W Edge, 8AAGF. arents ha&e long anticipated the birth of their
child and their anticipation is full of hopes and dreams. arental grief and reactions to the birth of their child
with a disability is a result of the loss of their RnormalR child E5urray W Cornell, 8AH8F.
Thus the birth of a child with a disability is fre,uently a stressful e&ent for families due to the &ariety of
feelings, reactions, and responses felt by the &arious family members E!unst, Tri&ette, W Qordy, 8AAGL
Featherstone, 8AHCL 5urray W Cornell, 8AH8L Turnbull, Brotherson, W /ummers, 8AH=F. Farber E8AG=F
indicated se&eral adaptations that families de&elop when ha&ing a child with a disability. 5urray E8AHCF
indicated that families fre,uently go through a series of reactions and responses. 3irk and @allagher E8AHAF
and 3ubler"6oss E8AJAF found that some parents and other family members, including siblings,
grandparents, and other e0tended family members, are faced with a &ariety of feelings, reactions, and
responses at the birth of a child with a disability. These feelings, reactions, and responses may change as
life goes on, especially as the internal and e0ternal resources increase E3roth W Edge, 8AAGF.
E&en though family members report additional stress from a child with a disability, they also e0perience
positi&e outcomes. #n a study by Taunt and 4astings E:CC:F, forty"se&en parents of children with
de&elopmental disabilities were inter&iewed. The findings re&ealed that there were se&eral positi&e
outcomes of ha&ing a child with a disability' the parents focused on the positi&e aspects of their childL they
e0perienced a changed perspecti&e on lifeL there were opportunities to learn about children, themsel&es,
and othersL it impro&ed the family dynamicsL there were opportunities to meet and share with other parents
of children with disabilitiesL and they were able to influence policy.
rofessionals ha&e become more aware of how family members are affected by the presence of a child with
a disability. rofessionals also need to take into consideration the roles and needs of each family member
E@oldenberg W @oldenberg, 8AHCL Turnbull et al., 8AH=F. Turnbull's and Turnbull's E:CC8F framework for
understanding the emotions, dynamics, and elements of family systems has allowed professionals to work
more effecti&ely with these families. The four elements of this framework are E8F family resources, E:F daily
interactions among family members, E;F different indi&idual family needs, and E<F changes that occur o&er
time which affect family members ETurnbull W Turnbull, :CC8F.
Accommodations5 >ettin! ?n with *ife
Adaptiveness
Families are remarkably adapti&e to the needs of their child E/eed, 8AHHL Dobato, 8AACL earl, 8AA;F.
5oreo&er, the role of each family member assumes &arying dimensions depending on the respecti&e
attitudes and beha&ior displayed regarding the child's disability E5eyer, 8AHJbL )i0on, 8AA;L /eed, 8AHHF.
A broad range of emotion is e0perienced while attempting to reconcile those feelings regarding the family's
child with a disability E4awkins, /inger, W )i0on, 8AA;L 5eyer, 8AA;L /eed, 8AHHF. The anguish and stress
are often tremendous, yet somehow each family member learns to cope with a mechanism that is fre,uently
,uite efficient in carrying other family members through the substantial turmoil. #n other words, the family
often draws closer as they depend on one another.
"alanced *ifestyle
A family's daily routine typically focuses around the child with the disability. Thus, their attempt to find a
balance in a family routine is an arduous task at best, gi&en that they often are ha&ing to 2uggle
appointments dealing with &arious medical specialists, therapists Ephysical, occupational, speech and
languageF, and early inter&entionist home &isits. Clearly, it is time"consuming to &isit a multitude of
professional offices while trying to find answers to ,uestions regarding the diagnosis or treatment of a child
with a disability. Also, it is an e0hausting pursuit for families to find the best ser&ices and newest information
regarding their child's condition. Again, the family's attempt to find a re,uisite balance and percei&ed
normalcy is an issue with which they fre,uently wrestle.
(hild:#eer Relations
arents are constantly seeking opportunities for children with disabilities to acti&ely engage in typical early
childhood e0periences with their peers EBoswell W /chuffner, 8AACL 5cDean W 4anline, 8AACL 6uder, 8AA;L
/tatum, 8AA=F. Also, critical to these children's de&elopment is the growth they continually e0perience from
interactions as members of their own families EFrey, Fewell, >adasy, W @reenberg, 8AHAL earl, 8AA;L
/tatum, 8AA=F. Thus, an additional difficulty is the family's effort to continually locate positi&e peer
interactions so their e0ceptional child has an opportunity to enhance his or her learning e0periences EBailey
W Bricker, 8AH<L @uralnick, 8AACL 5cDean W 4anline, 8AACL 6uder, 8AA;F.
(hild (are
Finding an appropriate child"care program for any family often is a trying e&ent and e&en more stressful to
families attempting to locate a program that will accept a child with a disability EFewell, 8AHJF. Puite frankly,
child"care pro&iders are not customarily informed on how to work with young children with disabilities and
thus are reluctant^ to accept responsibility for such children. They are, howe&er, increasingly being asked to
care for these children.
.ee)in! .ervices
Families seek the best ser&ices to pro&ide for their child. Conse,uently, their homes are often like )ew
*ork's @rand Central /tation in trying to schedule &arious needed ser&ices. Furthermore, opening one's
home to the numerous specialists arri&ing to pro&ide ser&ices to their child and family is an intrusion on
family pri&acy with which other families do not ha&e to contend E4anson, Dynch, W (ayman, 8AACL earl,
8AA;F. )e&ertheless, these families are fre,uently re,uired to carry out the programs prescribed for their
child if they want to ensure their child's progress.
Early childhood special education inter&entionists attempt to work with families and their children with
disabilities in a caring, sensiti&e, and supporti&e manner EFewell, 8AHJL earl, 8AA;F. ?b&iously, the ser&ices
pro&ided must be fle0ible and responsi&e to the di&ersity of family needs and resources E!e@angi,
(ietlisbach, ossison, /tein, W 6oyeen, 8AA<L 4anson et al., 8AACF.
#n addition to handling e&eryday life stressors, families learn how best to pro&ide for the &arious needs of
their child. Therefore, early inter&ention ser&ices must stri&e to be family friendly, family focused, and family
centered. 5oreo&er, ser&ices need to be pro&ided to families in the &arious settings that each family
re,uires, such as home, day care, or community.
Balues
Cultural and religious &alues hea&ily influence a family's structure as well as their &iews of disabilities
E!e@angi et al., 8AA<L 4anson et al., 8AACL 4oward et al., :CC8F. Families will differ by cultural, economic,
and religious influences, as well as by membership and structure of the family itself E4anson et al., 8AACL
4oward et al., :CC8F. /uch &alues can impact the effecti&eness of the family's acceptance and willingness to
implement inter&ention strategies. Therefore, professionals must be respectful of families' &alue systems and
their ser&ices fle0ible enough to be in accordance with differing family &alue systems and cultures E!e @angi
et al., 8AA<L 4anson et al., 8AACL Dinan"Thompson W Qean, 8AAGF.
30tended Family
Another important factor is the e0tended family, which is often a wonderful resource for pro&iding that
additional assistance needed in dealing with their child. An e0tended family can include grandparents, aunts,
uncles, cousins, neighbors, and close friends who ha&e 2oined the family circle. These members fre,uently
pro&ide the continual encouragement, respite relief, moral support, comfort, and unconditional
understanding needed by the parents and other family members EFewell, 8AHJL @allagher, Cross, W
/charfman, 8AH8L Dong et al., 8AA;L earl, 8AA;F.
.upport >roups
arents of children with disabilities often need additional support other than that pro&ided by professionals
EDong et al., 8AA;L 5eyer, 8AA;F. Conse,uently, there is a growing network of parent support groups across
the nation. )etworking is a process linking parents interested in talking to other parents who ha&e coped
with similar situationsOfelt anguish, needed relief, and pa&ed the road for tomorrow EFrey et a#., 8AHAL
@ibbs, 8AA;L @rossman, 8AG:F. These networks of e0tended support allow family members to grow through
personal shared e0periences.
The 6ole of arents in Adolescent !epression
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Early adolescence is a stage of transition from childhood into the increasingly comple0 time of adolescence
wherein significant de&elopmental changes are occurring. The newly de&eloped capacities for abstract
reasoning allow adolescents to see beneath the surface of things and en&ision hidden threats to their
welfare. E&en in response to the same e&ents, adolescents report more negati&e moods than do
preadolescents or adults. The self"reflecti&e capacity for picking up on real or imagined intimidation comes
at a time when a number of other changes in their li&es potentially increase the stress le&el for adolescents
Eetersen, Deffert, @raham, Alwin, W !ing, 8AAGF. Although studies ha&e documented increases in
depressed affect during adolescence, the findings of 4eath and Camarena E:CC:F demonstrate that EaF most
adolescents do not show increases in depressed mood during early adolescence and that EbF depressed
mood is typically followed by a decrease in depression symptoms. Although the typical adolescent does not
e0perience depression, a smaller proportion ha&e persistent symptoms of depression and are more at risk
for problematic beha&iors than other adolescents. 6esearchers studying adolescent depressed affect ha&e
shown that the e0perience of depressed mood is related to other serious conse,uences for adolescents,
such as emotional and disrupti&e beha&ior, truancy, drug abuse, pregnancy, suicide attempts E!iFilippo W
?&erholser, :CCCL 4eath W Camarena, :CC:F, and eating disorders EQohnson, Cohen, W 3otler, :CC:F.
6esearch findings showing that adolescent depressed affect is not a typical e0perience, and that it is most
often short li&ed, suggest that the adolescent's social en&ironment plays a role in the occurrence or
nonoccurrence of depression symptoms. Adolescents are less likely to e0perience depression when they
ha&e secure attachments to their parents EDiu, :CCJF, when parents themsel&es are not depressed
E/arigiani, 4eath, W Camarena, :CC;F, and when they are not going through a transition related to their
parents' di&orce or remarriage. E&en though all of these factors are related to adolescent depression,
dealing with a family in transition seems to be particularly difficult for adolescents. Barrett and Turner E:CC=F
found lower le&els of depressi&e symptoms among adolescents from mother"father families compared to all
other family forms. The link between adolescent depression and family transitions was also reported by
Brown E:CCJF, who found that while adolescents are undergoing a family transition, they typically report
lower well"being in comparison to adolescents in stable, two"biological"parent families.
$hat This eans for #rofessionals
Because adolescents who are securely attached to parents are less likely to e0perience depression,
beha&iors that promote adolescent attachment should be gi&en high priority. /tudies of attachment ha&e
demonstrated that responsi&eness to feelings is the best predictor of attachment. Thus, it is helpful when
parents respond to their adolescents' cares and concerns. #f parents are e0periencing depression
themsel&es, they might need to seek assistance to reduce their own le&els of depression because parental
depression tends to pre&ent parents from being sufficiently responsi&e to their adolescents. Also, because
the research shows that adolescents are at greater risk for e0periencing depression during the marital
disruptions of their parents ECuffe, 5c3eown, W Addy, :CC=F, steps might be taken to support adolescents
whose parents are di&orcing. For e0ample, efforts might be made to strengthen the adolescent's coping
skills. Finally, parents need to be aware of signs of adolescent depression that might suggest the need for
professional inter&ention E!ori W ?&erholser, 8AAAF.
/imple ?bedience
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By /ally Burgess
Forefront Families
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E&er wondered how parents manage to get their kids to simply do as they are told B the first time9 #t is easy.
*es, really. *ou CA) do it7
'ere is how5
Both parents ha&e to agree.
Both parents ha&e to follow through and be consistent'
8. E0plain to your child what is e0pected of him.
:. 5ake him practice it.
;. raise him when he is doing it right.
<. 4a&e a conse,uence and tell him what it will be E(rite it down if necessaryF
=. (hen he does it wrong, this is what you do
@et down to his le&el and make him look at you. 4old his hands.
/peak in a low but firm &oice.
Tell him the right way to do it.
Tell him he did not follow your wishes and that he will now get the conse,uence B whate&er it was
you told him in the first place.
!o not plead, do not gi&e a second chance, and !? )?T gi&e in
!o not tolerate a tantrum.
Carry out the conse,uence.
E&aluate the situation at the end of the conse,uence and tell him that if he does not beha&e as
e0pected, a worse conse,uence will follow ne0t time. EE0plain what it will beF.
3eep your word
'ere is an e0ample5
<"year"old Qonnie has a problem with throwing toys. *ou e0plain to Qonnie how to look after his toys and that
he might hurt someone if he throws them around. *ou tell him that if he throws a toy again, he will ha&e it
taken away from him along with :S;rd the rest of his toys. *ou tell him that when he can look after those and
not throw them, he can ha&e some of the others back. *ou speak ,uietly but firmly. *ou praise him when he
is playing as you e0pect him to. #f Qonnie throws a toy, you get down to his le&el and make him look at you.
4old his hands. Tell him ,uietly and firmly what he did wrong and that you now ha&e to take the other agreed
toys away until he shows you he will not do that again. /tick to your word.
Another e0ample5
88 year old 5adison is a sports nut. /he lo&es to skate and play softball. /he lea&es her stuff all o&er the
back yard and sometimes her skates get left out in the rain. /he was told, when she first got the gear, how
she needed to look after it and where she needed to store it. /he hasn+t done it. The conse,uence was that
you would take the gear away for a month. Qust do it. !on+t gi&e in to her pleading and begging. *ou ga&e
the boundaries. /he made the choice.
rimary arenting Functions
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By Q.Q. Bigner
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arents+ beha&ior and ways of interacting with children are usually purposeful attempts to meet what they
percei&e children+s needs to be EClarke W !awson, 8AAHF, which in turn relate strongly to the goals adults
wish to accomplish in their sociali1ation of children for adulthood. Two broad categories describe parenting
beha&ior aimed at meeting children+s needs in preparing them for their future' structure and nurturance
EClarke W !awson, 8AAHF. These constitute two principal functions parents perform in sociali1ing children.
.tructure describes those aspects of parenting beha&ior aimed toward pro&iding children with the means to
regulate their li&es and to lay the foundation upon which a child+s personality is formed and e0pressed.
/tructure in&ol&es teaching children about personal boundaries, teaching them the limits to which they may
go in their beha&ior so that they do not infringe on others+ needs and rights, pro&iding the e0periences that
promote their ac,uiring a healthy sense of self"worth, and pro&iding a sense of safety and security so that
they will learn to be appropriately trusting of others. /tructure also in&ol&es helping children to de&elop
healthy habits in thought and beha&iorL learn &alues and ethicsL ac,uire healthy character traits such as
honesty, integrity, and personal honorL and de&elop personal responsibility for their actions. /tructure helps
to pro&ide a child with a healthy, strong sense of self"esteem that permits growth toward meeting personal
potential and becoming a well"differentiated indi&idual who is &alued for distinct ,ualities and traits. 5ost
parents are aware that their children ha&e particular needs. arents attempt to meet these needs in the
ways in which they pro&ide structure and nurturance.
Nurturance is the second function in&ol&ed in parenting children. #t relates to those parenting beha&iors
intended to meet children+s needs for unconditional lo&e. This is necessary for children+s healthy growth and
well"being. By learning that he or she is lo&able, a child learns that others can be lo&ed as well. The
asserti&e care and support that are gi&en in unconditional ways to children form the basis of nurture.
Asserti&e care in&ol&es noticing, understanding, and responding to the beha&ioral cues and &erbal re,uests
that children pose to parents. #t is e0pressed to children when adults determine children+s needs and
respond to those needs in lo&ing, predictable, and trustworthy ways. /upporti&e care is e0pressed at those
times when adults offer care to children, but allow them the freedom to accept or re2ect the offer since
parents gi&e it in terms of unconditional lo&e. Adults pro&ide structure to children by teaching them rules and
skills, which in turn allow children to accept nurturing more willingly.
/tages of /tress and Coping /trategies
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By !.4. /ailor
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/tress is part of being ali&e. Although stress elicits &arious emotions and actions, all stress follows the same
pattern. .egans E8AH:F describes the following stages.
9. .ta!e of Alarm
2he first reactions are involuntary physical changes. 2his can $e an increase in heart rate, the flow of
certain hormones, andCor changes in galvanic s&in responses. Here, adrenalin is secreted for energy.
C. .ta!es of Appraisal
How the stress is interpreted depends on the person#s psychological ma&eup, experiences, and age.
An invitation to play on the team may $e exciting for one person while for another it would arouse the
fear of failing.
!usie and Julie, each age ten, went to the mountains with !usie#s dad for a fun day in the snow. 2hey
were coming down the mountain road near sunset when one of the tires lost its air. 2hey pulled safely
off the shoulder. !usie#s dad said he would put another tire on. As he went to the trun& to get the
spare tire and equipment, !usie ran after him and said, );h, let me help.) 2hey loo&ed at Julie and
she was crying softly, 1hen as&ed what was wrong, she said, )0ut what if we don#t get home/ +t#s
getting dar& and no one might see us here.) %ach girl appraised the situation differently.
D. .earch for (opin! .trate!ies
+nfants attempt to control the situation $y crying, spitting out the food, or, if all else fails, falling asleep.
As children grow, they can thin& more a$out the situation and similar situations. 2hey recall past
experiences and how people reacted. 2hey learn coping s&ills from those around them. !ome
strategies help the child to adapt to the situation while other techniques are counterproductive.
1hen the people around children use positive coping plans, it helps children to choose more
successful plans such as ignoring an unpleasant situation, compromising, or finding accepta$le
su$stitute satisfactions JHonig, ?LMNK.
1hen children learn and use inappropriate techniques such as swearing or hitting, they often
encounter additional stresses rather than resolving the existing pro$lem. 2his is particularly true when
an inappropriate $ehavior from home is ta&en into the child-care center or school or from school to
home.
;. .ta!e of 2mplementation
Defense mechanisms used by some children distort the situation, resulting in denial. Children may
e0hibit compulsi&e beha&ior and not want to try anything new.
Children who e&ternali'e the situation $lame others or fate as the cause of the pro$lem. 2hey often
respond aggressively and show little empathy for the children they may have hurt. 2heir actions and
refusal to accept some personal responsi$ility are not very effective in ad6usting to stress.
Children who internali'e the situation to the degree that they accept some responsi$ilities for their
actions are more successful in ad6usting to and dealing with that situation and future stress.
The process of successful coping in&ol&es the following responses'
a. fle0ibility and creati&e responsesL
b. open consideration of optionsL
c. thinking about reality and future conse,uencesL
d. rational and purposeful thinkingL
e. direction and control o&er disturbing negati&e emotions E4aan, 8AH:F.
*ounger children will not be able to sol&e problems and reason the way older children can. #t is crucial that
adults in children's li&es understand the help and support they need. /ociety, through its laws, agencies, and
institutions, must also protect children. Children thri&e best in en&ironments low in stress and with adults
who are positi&e models. These adults guide them to become competent in copping with life's stresses. +t
seems that children#s a$ility to cope with everyday stresses is more important in determining their well-$eing
than the type or amount of stress that they experience E4ardy, ower, and Qaedicke, 8AA;F.
G Tips for Teaching Children @ratitude
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By Qae Curtis
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!uring the Thanksgi&ing season, is your child pondering all that she's grateful for, or is she paging through
toy catalogs to prep for Black Friday9 4ey, li&ing in a material world isn't easy, especially when there's so
much awesome stuff to be had. But kids who are so focused on Rthe gimmesR can miss out on opportunities
to be thankful. (hat's more, kids who are constantly on the prowl for numero uno can be total brats.
A :C8: study published in the industry 2ournal Personality and +ndividual ifferences found that gratitude
was one of the biggest predictors of life satisfaction, no matter what demographic. 5ake sure your child
looks on the sunny side by teaching children gratitude as a must"ha&e in your home.
9. a)e it a daily ritual. !on't make the mistake of limiting gratitude to a once"per"year e0perience for your
child. 5aking thankfulness a part of your regular routine gets your child thinking about the things she lo&es
most about her life. #t doesn't ha&e to take much time' /imply writing in a gratitude 2ournal Eor drawing if your
little icasso prefersF or thinking up three things to be grateful for around the dinner table can make being
thankful a habit, rather than a holiday tradition.
C. odel the /ehavior. @ood luck with teaching children gratitude if you ne&er say thanks yourself. Children
learn what they see, so if you're snippy with the store cashier or e0pect your partner to wash the dishes,
your little one could learn that saying thanks isn't much of a priority for youOor her. As parenting e0pert Qen
4ancock notes, R3ids learn through imitation. *ou model the beha&ior you want. This is 2ust how polite
interactions occur.R This means making sure that you always say thank you, whether you're at the store or at
home.
D. Flip a complaint. Kngrateful kids always think they ha&e the short end of the stick, complaining about
what they don't ha&e instead of appreciating what they do ha&e. #f you catch your little one whining about
something, stop the words and ask her to flip the complaint upside"down to come up with a gratitude
statement instead. For instance, if your child is complaining that her playmate has better Barbies, ha&e her
flip the complaint and find a toy that she#s grateful for instead. ?r, if she whines about ha&ing to go to
kindergarten, talk about how awesome it is that she gets to go to school and learn. #t'll gi&e your constant
complainer a new way of seeing things.
;. Bolunteer. sychologist !ana 3lisanin suggests &olunteering to cure what ails your ungrateful child. R?ne
way to teach children gratitude at the most basic le&el is by &olunteering at soup kitchens, shelters,
orphanages, nursing homes and letting your child work alongside you whene&er possible,R she notes.
R(hen children e0perience the gratitude of others for basic necessities such as food, shelter and
companionship, they are more likely to recogni1e and be grateful for these things in their own li&es. This is
'foundational gratitude' Egratitude for basic needsFOyou can think of it as @ratitude 8C8.R Call your local city
office building and ask for &olunteer opportunities appropriate for kids.
G. Define AneedA and Awant.A (hen your kid gets a case of the gimmes, it's probably because she's
forgetting the differences between a need and want. #t's the ideal time to start a con&ersation on the things
you're re,uired to pro&ide her and the things that are fun little e0tras. Try this e0ercise together' Create a
posterboard with two sections labeled R(antsR and R)eeds.R Then, page through a maga1ine together and
cut out ob2ects, gluing them to the correct side of the board. #t's a ,uick e0ercise in reminding your child
which things she can't take for granted.
=. Refuse to respond. Forget asking politely' An ungrateful kid might make demands like a king to a
ser&ant. But 2ust because you're being ordered around doesn't mean you ha&e to obey. #f your child is
getting a little big for her britches, simply refuse to respond until she asks nicely. #t's one of the oldest tricks
in the book, and it helps your child learn that she'll get a better response with RleaseR and RThank youR
instead of R# want this now7R
L. .ave up. ?kay, we get it. /poiling the adorable light of your life is 2ust fun, especially when you get to see
the look on her face when you present her with something she's been dying for. But always gi&ing up the
goods might ha&e you missing out on an important teaching moment. #nstead of simply spoiling your child,
spoil with a purpose. #f she's begging for the latest !isney princess doll, set a monetary goal and ask that
she work toward it. #f you're feeling really generous, offer to match her contributions. Then, ha&e her do 2obs
around the house to earn the money. (hen she purchases something that she earned herself, she'll be way
more grateful than if you'd simply brought it home from the store, no ,uestions asked.
By making gratitude a serious priority in your house, you teach your child that a gimme attitude simply isn't
tolerated. 5odel a grateful attitude when you go about your day and make sure that your child sees you
showing that gratitude. That way, you set the e0ample that being thankful is a year"round kind of thing ... not
2ust for )o&ember.
ositi&e Beha&ioral /upports for *oung Children
Children need to know that they are lo&ed and accepted. E&en &ery young children de&elop an
understanding about how caregi&ers feel about them. They listen to what caregi&ers say to them and to
others about them, and they obser&e how caregi&ers beha&e. Children who feel secure in their en&ironment
and in their relationships with caregi&ers are less likely to misbeha&e as a way of getting inappropriate
attention.
(hen a child misbeha&es, caregi&ers are likely to focus on the child and the child's beha&ior in an effort to
stop the inappropriate beha&ior and pre&ent its recurrence. #t may be difficult for the caregi&er to understand
how the en&ironment may be a contributing factor to the misbeha&ior. En&ironmental &ariables that may
contribute to the misbeha&ior include the following'
the beha&ior of the caregi&er Ee.g., is misbeha&ior reinforced9FL
the beha&ior of others in the en&ironment Ee.g., how do peers respond to the child's beha&ior9FL and
factors relating to the en&ironment in which the child e0hibits the beha&ior Ee.g., physical
en&ironment, classroom curriculum, cogniti&e and social demandsF.
(e will look at three suggestions as to how caregi&ers can demonstrate to young children that they are
lo&ed, liked, and accepted.
Tell .tudents %ou *i)e Them
A caregi&er cannot assume that children know someone likes them"you must tell them7 Caregi&ers should
get into the daily habit of telling children they are liked, especially after appropriate beha&ior. /ome
caregi&ers may ha&e a &ery difficult time saying R# like youR or e0pressing positi&e feelings to the children
placed in their care. #f e0pressing feelings in this way becomes part of the daily routine, howe&er, caregi&ers
will find it becomes easier to do so. Children should lea&e their educational setting saying, R5y teacher really
likes me7R
Families who communicate their feelings about each other when children are young will ha&e an easier time
e0pressing feelings when the children become adolescents. Thus, efforts to communicate affection when
children are young pro&ide an in&estment for future parent"child communication patterns.
Educators can help children establish healthy attitudes about e0pressing their feelings in the classroom.
Talking about feelings and gi&ing children opportunities to talk about how they feel teach children that their
feelings are real and part of being a person. They also gi&e educators a chance to teach children how to
identify, be sensiti&e to, and respect the feelings of others. These lessons will help pro&ide a solid foundation
for the de&elopment of appropriate social skills.
.et Aside 2ndividual Time
/et aside some special time, if only a few minutes per day, with each child. Kse this time to talk and listen to
the child and to let that child know how important he or she is. These pri&ate con&ersations also gi&e
children a chance to e0press any feelings, concerns, or reactions to the day's e&ents. 5oreo&er, regardless
of how difficult the day has been for both of youS this special time pro&ides an opportunity for at least one
positi&e caregi&er"child interaction.
5any children do not ha&e a significant adult in their li&es outside the school en&ironment. They may li&e in
a single"parent household with a parent who is busy and preoccupied with trying to support the family. (e
all know how important it is for children to ha&e one special adult to talk to, share their feelings, and pro&ide
positi&e feedback and support. ?ften that adult is a teacher or counselor from the childSs school. Educators
need to be aware of these social needs and willing to gi&e some time Ee&en a few minutes each dayF to
show a student that someone cares.
>ive (hildren Affection
(ith all the attention to and appropriate concern about the se0ual abuse of children, some caregi&ers are
hesitant to touch, hug, or otherwise e0press affection toward the children in their care. /ome schools ha&e
e&en told educators not to touch their students. This reaction is &ery unfortunate. Children need affection to
de&elop normally and to be emotionally happy and secure. Children in todaySs society spend more and more
time out of their homes and away from lo&ing parents. Thus, the affection of other caregi&ers becomes e&en
more crucial, especially for infants and young children. /chools are encouraged to de&elop policies that also
outline acceptable touching Ee.g., pats on the shoulders, handshakesF.
"uildin! .elf:3steem in %oun! (hildren
Children who ha&e healthy self"esteem are usually happy children who feel good about themsel&es and
others. 4appy, self"assured children are likely to interact positi&ely with caregi&ers and other children. #n
addition to its social and beha&ioral benefits, healthy self"esteem is positi&ely related to academic
achie&ement.
!emonstrating to children that they are lo&ed, liked, and accepted is the first step to building their self"
esteem. (e can now look at some specific suggestions for increasing children' s self"esteem.
Allow and 3na/le (hildren to "e (ompetent
4endrick E8AACF states that lithe purpose of early education is to foster competence in young childrenR Ep.
<F. Competence is the self"assured feeling that one is capable of doing something Rall by myself.R Teachers
and parents alike can help children participate in competence"building acti&ities by allowing them to do
things for themsel&es. Caregi&ers who pro&ide opportunities for children to wash dishes after snacks or
meals at low sinks or who gi&e preschoolers 2obs Ee.g., feeding the family dog, being the leader at schoolF
are pro&iding children with opportunities to feel competent.
Tell (hildren A/out the >ood Thin!s They Do
Too often caregi&ers focus on children's inappropriate beha&iors instead of appropriate beha&iors. (hen this
happens, children are taught to associate caregi&er attention with inappropriate beha&iors. As a result,
inappropriate beha&iors increase. Knfortunately, it seems easier to focus on inappropriate beha&iors than
appropriate beha&iors. Caregi&ers must make e&ery effort to gi&e greater attention to the appropriate things
children do. This can be accomplished by telling children, R*ou're such a good workerR or R# like the way you
played with Qohn,R or R# like the way you sol&ed that problem with 5ary.R 5ake it a point to attend to the good
things children are doing. Teach the children that there is an association between caregi&er attention
and appropriatebeha&ior.
.pea) to (hildren Appropriately
5any caregi&ers do not understand how their own beha&iors teach appropriate and inappropriate beha&iors
to children. Caregi&ers influence children's learning e&ery time they interact with them. Two things are
important to keep in mind when speaking to children. First, what you say is important. /arcastic, negati&e
statements promote feelings of worthlessness. #f a child does something inappropriate and you must say
something, talk about the $ehavior, not the child. Although their beha&iors may sometimes be
bad, children are ne&er bad. To maintain a child's dignity and self"worth, describe what the child did that you
dislike, but do not critici1e the child as a person. #nappropriate statements from a significant caregi&er may
se&erely damage a child's self"esteem.
/econd, how you speak to children is &ery important. /ome caregi&ers belie&e that the louder they shout,
the more effecti&e they will be in changing children's beha&iors. 4owe&er, talking to children firmly, but
calmly, is more effecti&e in both the short and long term. #n addition, when caregi&ers stop shouting, the
en&ironment becomes a calmer place for children to learn and de&elop. Children e0hibit less inappropriate
beha&ior within calm, positi&e en&ironments where they are getting lots of attention for appropriate beha&iors
E4etherington W 5artin, 8AHJF.
Teach (hildren That ista)es Are Normal
E&erybody makes mistakes. (hen children make mistakes, tell them that e&eryone errs and that no one is
perfect. Caregi&ers ha&e opportunities to model appropriate ways to deal with mistakes whene&er they
commit an errorOfor e0ample, by saying, R# was wrong and # am sorry.R Children who obser&e this beha&ior
are more likely to say R# was wrongR or R# am sorryR when they make mistakes because they will feel
confident that it is all right to make errors. Also, children will not be afraid to try new things when they are not
worried about making mistakes.
Teaching young children that it is normal to make mistakes and to talk about them will help them confront
and talk about mistakes as adolescents and adults. Being able to say R# was wrong and # am sorryR will ser&e
as a functional beha&ior throughout the child's life and across all social settings.
Allow (hildren to 'ave *imited (hoices
Children will learn how to make good choices if they are allowed to practice making choices from an early
age. /ome choices young children can make include selecting books or stories to read before bedtime,
choosing 2uice to drink during snack time, deciding what clothes to wear, and so on. @i&ing children choices
is an e0cellent way to reduce power struggles. Caregi&ers fre,uently feel that, to be in control of children's
beha&ior, they must resort to gi&ing directi&es. /ometimes, directi&es are appropriateL howe&er, young
children who are struggling to de&elop their independence may respond negati&ely to a lack of choices,
leading to a cycle of caregi&er"&ersus"child battles. ?f course, caregi&ers should limit the range of choices.
For e0ample, when we say that children may decide what to drink, the caregi&er first limits the choice ER!o
you want orange 2uice or apple 2uice9RF. #n this way, mature adults remain in control while pro&iding
opportunities for children to make safe choices.
E&eryday e&ents pro&ide opportunities to discuss choices. For e0ample, when children fight o&er a toy,
caregi&ers can use the e&ent to help children think about alternati&e beha&iors and choose appropriate
beha&iors on their own. Asking ,uestions about their beha&iors Ee.g., RCan you think of another way of telling
her that you want to play with that toy9RF and gi&ing them an opportunity to e0plore alternati&es and consider
the conse,uences of their beha&iors ER4ow do you think he would feel about that9RF are other ways to teach
children how to make choices about their beha&iors.
4endrick E8AACF notes that children who are allowed to make choices are more creati&e. /he says that Rfor
an e0perience to be creati&e for children, it must be generated from within them, not be an e0perience 'laid
on' from outsideR Ep. :=CF. For e0ample, rather than pro&iding children with coloring books during art
acti&ities in a classroom, the teacher could pro&ide collage materials for children to create their own original
artwork. /ometimes, caregi&er"directed acti&ities pro&ide limited opportunities for problem sol&ing. #ndeed,
children who are gi&en choices may ha&e an ad&antage when it comes to sol&ing problems related to their
social beha&ior. For e0ample, the child who di&ides and shares blocks with a friend is able to plan a solution
to the problem Ei.e., both children wanting to play with blocksF, rather than acting on the immediate impulse
to be possessi&e.
*et (hildren &now %ou Balue Their ?pinions
(hen children are reinforced for e0pressing their own opinions, they learn the &alue of their personhood, in
addition to the &alue of their feelings, beliefs, and opinions. Children can be encouraged to de&elop their
own feelings and ideas and to e0press their own opinion when caregi&ers ask, R(hat do you think9R or R4ow
do you feel about that9R These kinds of ,ueries let children know that they Eand their feelingsF are important,
too. #n addition, this is a great Rway to teach and practice how to interact and con&erse appropriately with
adults and other children.
?ther #nfluences on arenting
rint
(ollect 2t@
Email
By C. BarbourY).4. BarbourY.A. /cully
earson Allyn Bacon rentice 4all
Kpdated on Qul :C, :C8C
arenting needs to be e0amined and analy1ed in the conte0t of culture and community. )umerous &ariables
affect family life and may be e0ternal factors of community and en&ironment as well as internal factors of
cultural background, family demographics, and economics.
(hild:(are Arran!ements
(ith e0tended work schedules for most American families, a huge number of parents now must cope daily
with re,uirements for temporary care of their children. At one time, when many mothers were homemakers,
child care was merged with running the household. 5others attended their preschool"age children,
welcomed their older children home from school, and super&ised most at"home acti&ities.
At the present time, howe&er, the situation is far different' (elfare reform has increased the number of
parents in the workforce, single"parent and dual"income families grow e&ery year, and fewer e0tended family
members are a&ailable to care for children. 5ore than J=I of mothers with children under si0 are in the
workforce EChildren+s !efense Fund, :CC8F. This means that a huge number of young children are in some
type of child"care arrangement for part of e&ery workday. These arrangements include center"based and
family child care as well as less formal situations, such as babysitters or care by slightly older siblings.
#nfant, toddler, and preschool child care and after"school care for older children are now facts of life for most
communities. As more families, formerly on welfare, enter the workforce, the demands for ,uality care for
children will intensify. 5any child"care programs ha&e waiting lists for children who need this ser&ice, and
added re,uests will intensify the problem. Although a number of schools now operate their own after"school
care programs, the need for care outstrips a&ailability. Furthermore, the ,uality and costs of care are ,uite
&ariable" adding another dimension to the problem for parents seeking care for their children.
@ood child care, once found, sol&es many problems for parents. /upporti&e caregi&ers become an
e0tension of the family and often de&elop strong affectional ties to the child and parents. These caregi&ers
know the child well and can offer parents ad&ice and reassurance as issues and concerns arise. This can be
especially helpful to single parents. Child care also fosters connections between parents and other families
with children, allowing them to de&elop a larger support network. 3nowing their child is well cared for
relie&es parents of stress and an0iety and allows them to do their 2obs. Child care offers benefits to both
children and parents.
*ife:(han!in! 3vents as Family .tressors
The circumstances of modern life ha&e led to an increase in stress in children and their parents E5c3enry W
rice, :CC=F. /eparation, di&orce, chronic illness, and death of a parent can negati&ely affect children+s
feelings of security and sub2ect them to new patterns of family life. Di&ing within a blended family, a single
parent household, or with parents who tra&el fre,uently also contributes to the stress le&el of all in&ol&ed.
These circumstances are difficult for all families, but children and parents who li&e in po&erty or suffer
economic setbacks face added challenges that can contribute to additional stress EBartholomae W Fo0,
:CC=F.
/tressors resulting from changes in family life and economic difficulties can be challenging for e&ery familyL
some families, though, through coping skills and resources, are better able than others to handle problems.
Although a few stressors are self"inflicted, many are una&oidable or are de&eloped through conflicts and
economic pressures and through racist, elitist, and se0ist practices.
Accumulated stressors lead to at"risk situations, and policy makers, educators, and others must be mindful
of this possibility. The effects of risk on the intelligence measurements of preschool children E/ameroff,
/eifer, Barocas, .a0, W @reenspan, 8AHGF show that most children seem able to cope with low le&els of risk,
but an accumulation of more than two risk factors 2eopardi1es their mental de&elopment. The message is
clear' (e must either pre&ent or compensate for accumulated risk factors E/tanford W *amamoto, :CC8F.
Before ending our discussion of family functioning, we re&iew in the following paragraphs the concerns and
risk factors that cause stress in families. Bear in mind, howe&er, that strategies e0ist to deflect or
accommodate stress arising from these factors. 4elping children and their parents cope with stress is
becoming an increasingly important role for teachers and community"ser&ice pro&iders E/cully, :CC;F.
.eparation4 Divorce4 and Reconfi!ured Families
!i&orce has become common for K./. families in recent decades, and although the di&orce rate is no longer
increasing, at the present time, first marriages in the Knited /tates ha&e a <GI chance of breaking up, and
second marriages a <AI chance Eann W Crosbie"Burnett, :CC=F. Conse,uently, more than <CI of
American children will e0perience the effects of di&orce, with nearly ACI placed in the physical custody of
their mothers Ealthough increasingly legal custody tends to be shared between parentsF. ?f the children born
in the 8AACs, more than half will ha&e spent some or all of their childhood in a single"parent household
EAnderson, :CC;F.
Diberali1ation of di&orce laws in most states permits couples to separate more easily and more amicably,
and although parents may ad2ust reasonably well to a di&orce, many children of di&orced parents tend to
ha&e long"term difficulties E(allerstein, Dewis, W Blakeslee, :CCCF. /eparation changes all roles in a family
and alters the way a family functions. 6esponsibilities for the custodial parent increase dramatically,
particularly with regard to child"care arrangements. There are more household tasks to care for, and
financial obligations are hea&ier than before. Complicating the situation for children is the likelihood of one or
more of their parents remarrying EJ=I of di&orced women and G=I of di&orced men remarry within four
yearsF. E&en more likely are the nonmarital short"li&ed cohabitations of either parent. Finally, one third of
American children today will become part of a stepfamily E@reene, Anderson, 4etherington, Forgatch, W
!e@armo, :CC;F.
Financial Aspects of Divorce
5others are most often gi&en custody of children in a di&orce, but this can ha&e dire conse,uences for the
resulting single"parent family EFine, @anong, W !emo, :CC=F. Casper and Bianchi E:CC:F reported that the
po&erty rate for single"mother households was ;H.GI, compared to a rate of J.AI in two"parent homes. #t is
a fact in the Knited /tates that women in the workforce earn less than men do, and e&en though child
support 2udgments are made in di&orce cases, fathers fre,uently do not pay, lea&ing mothers to assume full
financial responsibility for their children. Casper and Bianchi E:CC:F stressed the financial ine,uities after
di&orce' !i&orce impro&es the economic position of men but reduces that of women and children left with
their mothers.
?ther (onse,uences of Divorce
#ncreased work hours for custodial parents are typical after di&orce, and decreased social interaction with
children results EAnderson, :CC;F. This means less parenting. Children in the home will face increased
responsibilities, less time with either parent, and less emotional support after separation. A serious long"
range effect of di&orce is the remo&al of marriage models for children affected.
Beha&ioral changes for youngsters often result from di&orce and separation. A considerable amount of
research shows that the negati&e effects for children of di&orce are sadness, anger, fear, aggressi&eness,
an0iety, and disobedience E4etherington W 3elly, :CC:L /chwart1 W 3aslow, 8AAGL (allerstein, :CC8F.
Children who ha&e positi&e, nurturing relationships with both parents, low le&els of parental and family
conflict, and ade,uate economic resources, howe&er, seem to ad2ust better to the di&erse forms of family life
that occur after a di&orce EFine, @anong, W !emo, :CC=F.
For many children, these di&erse family forms may include li&ing in a single"parent home, mo&ing between
the homes of both parents as part of shared"custody arrangements, or becoming part of a step"family. All of
these situations can pose challenges to children, but all can ha&e strengths when compared to a predi&orce
situation' happier en&ironments, better custodial parentBchild relationships, more commitment to a wider
community, and better"run households. 4etherington and 3elly E:CC:F, in their re&iew of hundreds of clients,
found that most single"parent households do pro&ide the nurturance that children need, despite the
challenges. )egati&e stereotypes continue to affect single parents, step"parents, and their children
EAnderson, :CC;L @reene et al., :CC;F, howe&er. For e0ample, teachers ha&e a tendency to assume that
problems in school are related to the situation in the home. #n the foreseeable future, large numbers of
young and school"age children will e0perience their parents+ separation, di&orce, and remarriage. Therefore,
school personnel and community workers must find ways to accommodate the e0tra needs these indi&iduals
will ha&e.
/upport groups are a&ailable to help families through the initial period of ad2ustment after di&orce, which is
always one or more years. Children+s literature, when sensiti&ely read and discussed, can also help children
who are caught in a family uphea&al.
Dual:2ncome Families
5anagement of household life in the dual"income home can produce stress at times EFraenkel, :CC;F. As
parents try to balance the potentially competing demands of 2obs and child rearing, many find the conflict
between caring for children and employment physically and psychologically draining. The stress is
particularly pronounced for women who despite their increased participation in the work force, still ha&e
primary responsibility for children in the ma2ority of families. 6esearch indicates, howe&er, that it is the
nature and intensity of the work and family responsibilities, rather than employment or parenthood per se,
that determine the impact of parents working outside the home EFredriksen"@oldsen W /charlach, :CC8F.
Although a double income enables a family to en2oy a higher standard of li&ing, it has drawbacks, such as
less time for family interaction, tighter schedules, increased dependence on child care, and fewer choices in
recreation. /tatistics show that JGI of children li&ing with both parents ha&e mothers and fathers in the
workforce, and the trend increases each year EK./. Bureau of the Census, :CC8F. #n addition, more than GI
of American working men and women hold two or more 2obs EK./. Bureau of the Census, 8AAHbF, which
could mean a total of four 2obs for some dual"income families. Time for family interactions is, of course,
minimal in such situations.
#overty
o&erty restricts many positi&e e0periences for children and their families, because financial resources
dictate ,uality of education, housing, diet, clothing, and amount of health care, to say nothing of
entertainment and recreation. 5ost of all, po&erty lays a &eil of despair on poor or near"poor families" a
group disproportionately composed of single"parent families and families of color" and aspirations and a
sense of self"worth become hard to ele&ate E!odson W Bra&o, :CC=F. ?f all the stressors present in K./.
families, po&erty is perhaps the greatest, and it is e0panding in the lower"income brackets.
Children+s !efense Fund E:CC=F findings show that in :CC< more than 8; million, or almost 8G.HI of K./.
children under 8H were li&ing below the po&erty line. #n addition, the record demonstrated that po&erty in the
Knited /tates has increased each year since :CCC. This is a disturbing re&ersal of the gains made from
8AA: to :CCC, when close to four million children were lifted out of po&erty. E&en more disturbing is the
growing number of children who li&e in e0treme po&erty, defined as an income of less than NG,J8C per year
for a family of three. o&erty rates among minority groups are disproportionate to their populations. (hile
the po&erty rate for (hites was 8<.<I, that for 4ispanics was :H.AI, and for African Americans ;;.:I
EChildren+s !efense Fund, :CC=F.
oor families are burdened with the challenges of sur&i&al, and their li&es are punctuated with stress brought
on by lack of money. Family members are fre,uently ill, they sustain in2ury more often, and they encounter
hostility from numerous sources. Di&es become saturated with despair, and each new plight adds to family
discouragement E!odson W Bra&o, :CC=L Daureau, :CC;F. The buildup of stress in poor families is e0tensi&e.
4ousing that is affordable to families near or below the po&erty line tends to be in crime" and drug"ridden
areas, where children and many adults lead li&es of sheer terror. Cramped li&ing and meager diets result in
illnesses that precipitate e&en more stress. )ot surprisingly, children raised in po&erty are more likely to
become teen parents and as adults will earn less and ha&e more unemployment than those raised with
higher incomes. They are also more likely to raise their own children in po&erty, continuing the cycle.
6e&ersing the state of po&erty in the Knited /tates re,uires strong community action and large in&estments
in federal, state, and pri&ate aid to pro&ide 2ob training, child care, ade,uate housing, and health facilities to
help rebuild families in besieged areas of society. 6ecommendations outlined in 2he !tate of America<s
Children EChildren+s !efense Fund, :CC=F ser&e as a good starting point. Deach E8AA<F, in Children 5irst,
reemphasi1ed this challenging prescription, and /chorr E:CC:F suggested ways in which neighborhoods and
communities can help families.
2llness
#llness also is a stressor in families. (hen a family member becomes in2ured or ill, numerous interaction
patterns must cease or be modified. Family communication can be limited, and attention to those who are
not ill is lessened. 6ealignment of the priorities in family functioning is a conse,uence of long"term illness.
#llness of a wage earner has e&en greater conse,uences for the family. Furthermore, if inade,uate health
care is the cause Ewhich is the situation for one se&enth of the nation+s populationF, this particular stress
gi&es rise to others. (hen a child in the family becomes seriously in2ured or is chronically ill, parents must
de&elop coping skills to ad2ust to the needs for medical care and the other issues that arise. EDee W @uck,
:CC8F.
(hildren with Disa/ilities
Caring for a child with a disability presents uni,ue challenges to families and often leads to an increase in
the families+ stress le&el EDancaster, :CC8F. Although some disabilities are e&ident from birth or early infancy,
others, such as learning disabilities and emotional problems, may not show up until the child attends school.
)ot only do parents ha&e to struggle with their own acceptance of the disability and the attendant shattered
e0pectations, guilt, anger, and parental conflict, but they must also e0pend great time and energy on the
child. Qust getting the child+s disability identified can be a long process, and determining treatment, obtaining
needed ser&ices, and following up on the child+s progress are also time consuming. Teachers and
community"ser&ice personnel play an important support role for families parenting children with disabilities.
3veryday .tress
They are not life"changing e&ents, as the stressors discussed in the pre&ious section, but the hassles of
e&eryday life present another source of stress for families. These day"to"day common annoyances, although
relati&ely minor, are a more fre,uent and continuous form of stress. #ncluded in this category are the
difficulties associated with commuting, balancing work and family life on a daily basis, minor childhood
illnesses that re,uire parents to make une0pected schedule changes and arrangements, and the myriad
other stressors that occur as a factor of daily life. 6esearch indicates that these e&eryday hassles can be
e&en more important determinates of family stress than the ma2or life e&ents discussed pre&iously E4elms W
!emo, :CC=F.
As e0pected, the way parents respond to these e&eryday stressors determines how much they contribute to
the family stress le&el. /ome parents are able to buffer their children from the e&eryday hassles of life, but
others are not. Factors such as socioeconomic status, perceptions of the se&erity of the hassles, parent
temperament, and responses to the ongoing, relentless nature of caring for a family and home all play into
the way a family will adapt and cope to the stresses of e&eryday life.
Tips for arents on 3eeping Children !rug Free
Tips for %our 3lementary .chool (hild
A child this age usually shows increasing interest in the world outside the family and home. !iscuss how
anything you put in your body that is not food, water or 2uice can be e0tremely harmful, and how drugs
interfere with the way our bodies work and can make a person &ery sick or e&en cause them to die. E5ost
children of this age ha&e had real"life e0periences with the death of a relati&e or a friend's relati&e.F E0plain
the idea of addiction"that drug use can become a &ery bad habit that is hard to stop. raise your children for
taking good care of their bodies and a&oiding things that might harm them.
"y the time your children are in third !rade4 they should understand that5
foods, poisons, medicines and illegal drugs differL
medicines prescribed by a doctor and administered by a responsible adult may help during illness
but can be harmful if misused, and therefore children need to stay away from any unknown substance
or containerL and
adults may drink in moderation but children may not, e&en in small amounts because it's harmful to
children's de&eloping brains and bodies.
"efore leavin! elementary school4 your children should )now5
the immediate effects of alcohol, tobacco and drug use on different parts of the body, including coma
and deathL
the long"term conse,uences of drug use, including addiction and loss of control of one's lifeL
the reasons why drugs are especially dangerous for growing bodiesL and
the problems that alcohol and other illegal drugs cause not only to the user, but to the user's family
and the world.
7uestions elementary school children fre,uently as) a/out dru!s5
(hy would people want to put bad things in their bodies9
?ne answer might be that they might not reali1e how dangerous the bad things areL another is
that they are not taking care of themsel&es. /ometimes people start using a drug 2ust to see what
it feels like, but it can turn into an addiction Elike cigarettesF and it's &ery hard to stop using it.
(hy can't # taste that Rgrown"upR drink9
A small amount of alcohol has a much greater negati&e effect on a child's body than on an adult'sL
e&en a small amount can sicken a child.
Note5 #raise your children for ta)in! !ood care of their /odies and avoidin! thin!s that mi!ht harm
them.
H (ays to Answer Knsolicited arenting Ad&ice
#n the world of parenting, it seems like e&eryone thinks they're an e0pert. The dreaded unsolicited parenting
ad&ice comes from strangers, friends and family alike' R#sn't she too big for a stroller9R or R# know a great
way to stop that child from crying7R (hat do you do when confronted with unwanted opinions about your
parenting style9
First, take a deep breath and reali1e that irrele&ant, inappropriate and e&en offensi&e ad&ice is e&erywhere
Oand that it's probably ine&itable. All kinds of people ha&e opinions on how to raise your child. 4ow do you
deal9
The (akanhe1a ro2ect, run by !onald @ault from the /aint aul"6amsey County ublic 4ealth
!epartment, is an inno&ati&e effort to promote welcoming community en&ironments. ?ne of its goals is to
help well"intentioned ad&isers understand that Roffering your ad&ice on what someone is doing wrong, or
could do better, with their child will almost certainly ha&e the opposite effect.R The folks on the flipsideO
moms and dads on the recei&ing end of unsolicited parenting ad&iceOalready know this.
REach of us _should` try to recogni1e how challenging it is to parent in public, and seek opportunities to
pro&ide support and kindness to parents and children,R says @ault. R#t is ama1ing how a kind glance, a nod
of the head, or an offer to hold the door or let a family ahead of you in line can diffuse a seemingly
escalating situation.R
(ith this in mind, whether in public or at home, try these cool comebacks to tame a tense situation'
A cry for help. *our baby won't stop crying in the checkout lane, and you're at your breaking
point. The last thing you need is someone butting in and telling you what to do. #f a stranger suggests a
way to get your wailing kid to ,uiet down, you'll probably be tempted to say something you'll regret.
4umor can help defuse your EunderstandableF anger. Thank the person, and then ask her for
her number. /ay, RThat's such great ad&iceOcan # call you e&ery time she cries9R #nstead of handing
o&er their digits, she'll back off. 5essage recei&ed.
.poil sport. Almost e&ery new parent has heard, R!on't do that or you'll spoil her7R This is a popular
tactic with mothers and mothers"in"law and it's usually code for, R# don't like what you're doing.R /poiling
is so sub2ecti&e that it's hard to argue with, so don't. Brush it off with a cheery, RToo late, might as well
gi&e her 6oyal 4ighness rincess erfect ants another cookie7R 4a&e confidence in your own
2udgment and laugh it off.
A!es and sta!es. There's nothing more hurtful to a mama than hearing the words, R#sn't that child
too old to be EblankF9R Before you answer, get a grip on your anger reali1e it isn#t personal. Dots of
people make remarks to new parents 2ust to break the ice. ?ften, they ha&e children of their own and
may genuinely wonder if the beha&ior or acti&ity that they're commenting on is age"appropriate. #n this
case you can say, R?h, do you ha&e kids9R #f the answer's yes, listen and you might learn something.
"ac) in my day. ?lder people are fre,uent ad&ice"gi&ers, and being bombarded with outdated
parenting tips can be aggra&ating. Before you lose your cool, consider the source. That random elderly
stranger you met in the park is probably 2ust lonely and possibly missing her own children or
grandchildren. @i&e her a warm RThank youR and mo&e on. ?r if you ha&e the time, follow up by
switching the topic and asking about her kids. /he'll likely lo&e the chance to open up.
Tantrum time. All tiny tots ha&e tantrums, and when meltdowns happen in a public place, people
often feel free to throw in their two cents. R5y child ne&er threw a fit like thatR is a popular one. ?nce
again, humor is your best defense7 /ay, R# know it's loud, but it's so easy to keep track of her this wayR
or R/he's training for the toddler ?lympicsOfreestyle screaming7R
2f she were mine... (hen someone utters the phrase, R#f that child were mine, #'d do -, * and .,R
take her up on the offer. /mile and reply, R/he can be yours ... for fi&e easy payments of 8A.A=7R *our
nosy neighbor will get the hint.
Fussin! a/out food. (hat your kid's eating is a sticky area of parenting. (hether it's weaning or
fast food, e&eryone has an opinion. #f someone shares an unwanted opinion about your snack choices,
respond to the all"organic RsanctimommyR with, R*es, # know that this orange 2uice has a lot of sugar, but
the &odka doesn't7R /he'll be too shocked to respond, and may think twice about imposing her dietary
&iews in the future.
iss "ehavin'. #t takes a bold person to comment on how you choose to control your child,
especially in public. *our discipline methods are truly nobody's business. But if someone crosses the
line, consider your response carefully. Dots of people don't think of punishment as a laughing matter. #t's
best to 2ust say, RThanksR Eif you say anything at allF and mo&e on.
There's no perfect comeback for unwanted comments. 5ost people mean no harmL they're 2ust trying to
help. 6espond to their inappropriate ad&ice with kindness, humor and understanding and they'll probably
think before speaking in the future.
#s Dying to @et *our Child Ahead a Crime9
#n some ways, she+s no different from any American momOworking on a shoestring budget to make ends
meet, going back to school for her degree, doing the best for her kids. (hat set 3elley (illiams"Bolar apart9
!oing what she saw as the best for her kids landed her a stint in 2ail.
/ome are calling it the $6osa arks moment for education%' the single mother of two, concerned with
&iolence in her subsidi1ed housing neighborhood, fabricated residency documents in order to send her
children to what she saw as a betterOand saferOsuburban district. 4er daughters attended Copley"
Fairlawn /chool !istrict in /ummit County, ?hio, for two years before transferring to another districtL se&eral
months and a pri&ate in&estigation later, (illiams"Bolar was indicted upon her failure to pay o&er N;C,CCC in
back tuition and ultimately con&icted on two felony counts. (illiams"Bolar has since ser&ed a 8C"day 2ail
sentence and now faces probation and community ser&ice. And more than (illiams"Bolar+s good name is at
stake hereOas a teacher+s assistant only twel&e credits shy of her teaching degree, her career is now
2eopardi1ed by the felony charges on her record.
The case has spurred public outrage on both sides, casting (illiams"Bolar in the light of both offender and
&ictim. /upporters claim (illiams"Bolar is un2ustly being made an e0ample, citing her race and economic
background as significant factors, but critics applaud her arrest as a necessary crackdown on those who
game the system and defraud ta0payers.
2s the A)ron mom the criminal . . .
To those who saw (illiams"Bolar+s con&iction as e0treme, her 2udge argues that tough times 2ustify tough
measures' in an unstable economy, a forceful check on parents wrongfully enrolling their kids out of district
is needed. And to claims that the district had singled out (illiams"Bolar, Copley"Fairlawn /uperintendent
Brian oe has cited o&er forty additional residency disputes within the districtOall of which were resol&ed by
families establishing legal residency, paying back tuition Ean amount set not by the district, oe points out,
but by the stateF, or withdrawing from the school. The difference with (illiams"Bolar+s case, oe asserts, is
that (illiams"Bolar continued to disregard district efforts to resol&e the issue. (illiams"Bolar+s
misrepresentation is made more ine0cusable in the eyes of many because of the money attached to it. To
them, the &ictims here are the ta0 payers and the two school districts in&ol&ed. $*ou are not entitled to steal
2ust because you want a better life for your children,% summed up Akron 0eacon Journalcolumnist Bob !yer
in a recent piece. $eriod.%
. . . or the victim8
(ith headlines like $!on+t Qail 5omsOFi0 /chools, Change Daws% and $?hio stomps on American !ream of
education,% some &iew the real crime here as school funding ine,ualities that dro&e (illiams"Bolar to commit
a felony in the first place. The racial and economic o&ertones of the case ha&e made it an especially hot
button issue. /yracuse Kni&ersity+s !r. Boyce (atkins, in a recent 'ews ;ne editorial, identified (illiams"
Bolar+s case as $a microcosm of three forms of ine,uality that affect all of us' _e`conomic ine,uality,
educational ine,uality and ine,uality in the criminal 2ustice system.% etitions for her e0oneration circle daily
online. ?ne petition on Change.org reads in part, $/he has been handed what e,uates to a life sentence for
attempting to protect her children. #n a time of o&erwhelming economic disad&antage for so many K/
citi1ens, are lo&ing single mothers like (illiams"Bolar truly the enemy our court system should be making
e0amples of in this way9%
Another loo) at reform
(illiams"Bolar, regardless of how public sentiment casts her, is ,uickly becoming a new poster child for
education reform. ?fficials in (illiams"Bolar+s own backyard see the case as a catalyst to much"needed
change. #n a recent statement, (ard < Akron councilman 6ussel )eal Qr. said, $This case has gi&en us an
opportunity to look at the circumstances that made a member of my ward feel that she could not send her
children to a school that is right around the corner.% (hate&er the outcome, the ramifications of this comple0
situation will be felt long after the last ga&el has sounded.