1

Special thanks and much love to Ethan Foy for the magnificent work of art that forms my cover.
You are a true kindred spirit, and always will be.
Other thanks must of course go to everyone I know, or have learnt from over the eventful last
couple of years. Thanks to all for giving me the courage, either directly or indirectly, to complete
this when at times its been quite difficult to say the least. I love you all.

Disclaimer
This book is intended for educational and philosophical purposes only. Although I may well advise on certain issues that
have helped me personally, I in no way encourage you to do the things that I did-or at least not illegally, and readers
must assume full responsibility for their own actions. Im pretty sure you will get the message that I do not agree with
most of the laws in place today, because we only need a few to put it bluntly, and one day soon I hope that that will be
the case, but for now I in no way encourage you to break the law okay? Right, boring stuff said and out the way, lets
crack on. . .

Contents (right, slight issue here as inserting the cover after numbering pages
has chucked it two pages out of kilter between numbers and actual but Im sure
youll cope- not the end of the world is it, and too technical for me to fix.)

Page 2 Words A short poem.

Page 3 Foreword (written recently)
Page 7 Prologue (written 1/9/2012)
Page 15 Prologue addendum
Part one- The past 1973 to 2012.

Page 30
Page 45
Page 70
Page 85
Page 96

Chapter one: Formative years

Chapter two: Free again- sort of
Chapter three: A wandering card player
Chapter four: Back to the grindstone
Chapter five- Healing

Part two The Present or last couple of years basically.

Page 106 Chapter six: Bliss

Page 128 Chapter seven: Wake up a bit more- you werent done.
Page 148 Chapter eight: Psychedelics, plants and an unwinnable war
Page 159 Chapter nine: Bodhisattvas and Stupas
Page 170 Chapter ten: Ayahuasca retreat

Page 219 Chapter eleven: Conclusion(s)

Page 247- Rhubarb- A short poem
Page 248- Pathways- Another short poem

Words
Words are no more than labels
Created, spun, like myth and fables
Words can weave a magic spell
Without them thered be no kiss and tell
Words are learnt, used, and then forgotten
Some are chosen carefully- but not that often
Words can be piercing or softly spoken
Words make promises but word can be broken
Used to debate, relate and quantify
Or to puzzle, bluster and stupefy
Theyre used to encourage or to torment
To offer acceptance or show dissent
Words are misleading and easily twisted
But words can illuminate- the darkness lifted

Foreword
Sometimes I wonder . . . Hang on thats a lie. I cant start the book with a lie, though
technically I have started the book with one if I leave it in. I dont lie any more in general,
but I want to leave that little one there for dramatic effect, its just a little one after all;
more a distortion than a lie in fact, but I digress. Most of every waking moment Im
wondering about something or other. A long time ago now that wondering was more
analysis than thought; generally self-analysis, and if anything I overthunk. These days
I just wonder. Im also almost in a constant sense of wonder at the world as I wonder
about it, and the goings on in it too. Its amazing- the world that is, some of the goings
on in it currently, are not so. Things arent quite right are they? No matter where you
are.
One of the things I have wondered about is whether the world is in such a mess
because of me. Seriously. Bear in mind that I wonder a lot, as Ive just said, so more or
less every conceivable theory has been wondered about at some point or other. I am
not a banker or a politician, so the fault doesnt lie directly with me I dont think. But,
theres a chance that it could be, in one way or another, to some varying degree.
Anything and everything is possible so it could well be. Regardless of whose fault it is,
I do know one thing, and that is I want to try and help fix it. Big job? Sure, but anything
and everything is possible. . . I wrote this book to try and help. It has had a few guises
so far, but this is the last one. The first release was a rushed free version back in Jan
2013 that I quickly pulled down to edit after a few requests from loved ones. The second
version was some time in coming and was eventually published in August 2014, and
that had a small price tag on it, as I was trying to get out of working for a living. I still
dont have a job, but am making this free now, as I realise that its for the best, for two
reasons primarily. The first being that currently it is hardly reaching anyone. That may
be due to the 3 price tag, so it is best to remove it. It may be because when searching
for the title on Scribd where I initially published, it doesnt come up in the resulting
search. It may because of the lack of promotion, but I dont like selling myself. I want
everything to be free in the world eventually, with there being no need for money. That
I know is a long way off, but if everything is linked then making this free could possibly
help towards that in one weird way or another. Fractals and everything being a smaller
version of the whole if you know what I mean?
Anyhow, another reason this is now free because although it is easy enough in this day
and age to release anything, it is hard to get it noticed. Anything that makes that easier
has to be good. As this is primarily about aid I shouldnt be charging for it either. I did
want to donate to charity as well as get out of work, but having seen what goes on with
charities I no longer trust that the money would go to good use, or at least the greater
part of it. I have an idea for a fictitious novel, that if I do write I will probably charge for.
Although this story is rooted in fact, some of it may seem unbelievable or fictitious on

the face of it so maybe I can attract some fans or followers, or whatever the trendy
name is these days. So, after much internal debate, its now going to be free, and
drastically edited because I waffled a lot, perhaps too much even for me, and the
message
may
well
have
been
lost
a
little
along
the
way.
I want to try and concentrate on the initial reason for writing this, and try and ignore the
vast majority of what I have found out in the two and a half years since I thought about
writing it, and again there are a few reasons for this. The fact is that the goalposts are
constantly moving. There are so many theories and beliefs out there that the only for
certain these days is that nothing is, and personally speaking Im not even certain
about that- the quote I mean; someone could have just made it up, perhaps I just but it
seems familiar. . . Maybe some things are certain, like death for instance. What
happens after that is certainly open for debate, and one of the biggest out there. There
definitely is a popular quote that states that only death and taxes are certain, but I want
to change the latter part of that for instance. To me, death is just transformation but
well get to that in a bit eh?
I know a little about the banking system and economics, and I know that the current
system is broken. Ill leave it at that but look up fractional reserve banking and the
available options open to government regarding state-issued currency and you will see
the problem. Its no coincidence that income tax popped up at the same time. I know
practically nothing about science but I understand that quantum physicians are
uncovering or discovering some pretty funky stuff these days, but Im also aware that
what you get told and what actually is, are more or often than not, not the same thing,
so who knows whether we can believe them? Clusterfuck right? Yup, basically. But
each and every one of us was born with a modicum of common sense, as well as
intuition. I have formed a pretty good idea of what I think is going on, based on a lot of
research, but like I say everything is subject to change, and does so. My opinion of a
few things has changed over time granted, but not too much. However, I dont want to
influence your opinion on things. You have to make your own mind up. There are so
many big questions and very few clear answers. Is the world an illusion or hologram for
instance? Im still pondering that, but a whole lot of things are fitting in with that theory
put it that way. Is the world being run by a small percentage of people? Are they being
run by an alien species? Were we created by aliens? If we were who created them?
Yes, I have seen Prometheus. I do love a good film, and some pose important
questions. The reasons for my questions are based on a lot more than a movie
however.
Essentially, what Im trying to say is that the whole awakening movement that is going
on right now, could in fact be a ploy by one of several factions of the Velon. Who are
the Velon you might well be asking? I dont really know. I dont know if they do exist
and what their motives are if they do. Im not sure if this life is a test, an experiment,
purgatory, a repeat or a brief interlude from an altogether different type of existence.

What I do know is that there are so many theories about what the hell is going on, is
that one cant be absolutely certain. I havent accessed the Akashic Records personally,
but I have read articles by people that say they have, and a lot of what they say ties in
with theories I have formed from my own experiences. No matter what I believe though,
it will be incredibly difficult to prove any of it of course. If I limit what I talk about to what
has happened to me personally, hopefully from my words, tone and the impression that
I give you will believe me. Its all true, and I dont lie anymore. If I do, I tell you about it.

One thing I do know with complete certainty is that I suffered unnecessarily for a long
time, and there was no need. That was the reason I originally began to write this book.
What happened in between my being cured and publication affected the course of the
book along the way, for worse it appears with the benefit of hindsight, rather than better.
But I can change that, or try to at least. By cutting out a lot of the conspiracy related
topics and trimming a lot of the waffle I hope to make it more bite-sized and digestible
also. I am going to leave the initial prologue, other than editing about what I was going
to do with proceeds and stuff like that as it is, as I wrote that initially when my intent
was in its original shape. I started that off with a joke about my dyslexia and that may
have been another reason people didnt get further than the first paragraph in the free
prologue, but I doubt it. I had to try and make people laugh you see? Its what I do.
Thing is you had to get to the end of the prologue to see the joke. . .
Anyhow, enough waffle about that, the joke remains but you will have gathered by now
that I will proof read and use the spell checker. I am British so will be using that version
of English rather than the US that my PC auto-corrects to. If I miss something, please
excuse me. Im in a little bit of a rush at present with this little edit before my msn office
runs out shortly, and Im a bit strapped at present.
I do talk about what the book is mainly about in the prologue so without further ado I
bid you adieu as I go edit all the previous do doo, to make this better for you.

Prologue
You met me at a strange time in my life Tyler Durden.
Where to begin? A date is always a ggod bet for starters eh? Wait a moment, first
sentence and already a typo? Yeah- its intentional. Well, I left it in on purpose anyway;
I dont intentionally make mistakes if you catch my drift. I'm what I like to call a
dyslexatypist. I generally dont have much problem with reading or spelling, and
punctuation will mostly be okay, though admittedly its probably a little random in parts,
but I'm absolutely terrible at typing. Theres a discord between my brain and my fingers
and as a result of that I'll never play guitar or piano I suppose. The weird thing is Im the
best proffreader I know and can spot mistakes a mile away. I want to leave the errors in
though; theyre part of me, and that forms part of this tale I'm about to tell, as this story
is about primarily about me. Okay, okay, so I dont actually know any proffreaders. Im
just trying to illustrate that Im good at spotting mistakes. Perhaps this is why its easy
for me to see whats wrong with the world today. The problem is Ive always been
absolutely pants at fixing things; bit of a quandary there really. . . Anyhow, you'll often
see typos, words with double leeters geeting all confused for instance, but it's never a
spelling mistake ok? If the editors/publishers want to change it, then I might, but for now
it stays! Sort of makes a mockery of me actually being a really good proffreader but
what's life without a little irony? Anyhow, I digress, something else I'm always prone to
doing; I'll get to all this in a minute.
It's Saturday the 1st September 2012, currently 2.38 a.m. as I write the first chapter in
the rest of my life. It's been a mad day after a mad, mad month for me (August), the
best and most important month of my life so far. Today, I got told my job was being
outsourced overseas: sucks right? How about it's only the second time it's happened
in nine months. This is inconsequential by the way, not important, de nada. I couldnt
give a toss about the job or the company. They are motivated by money, thats all there
is to it. Sure, they gave the reason that its for process centralisation, or some other
fancy bit of company jargon that went in one ear and out the other, but at the end of the
day it all comes down to the money. If it was indeed about centralisation they wouldnt
be outsourcing to Manila, but Budapest, where my previous job went as the jobs are
related. I was lucky enough to get another job in the same office when that happened,
and I may well be again as not everything is going straight away, but it will, sure as
eggs are eggs. Its just the way of the world in general these days. Money > people.
Im not going to tell you who I work for but theyre a major corporation, via a contracting
agency. This is them cutting costs to meet their targets, so some VP gets their big fat
bonus at the end of the year. If they really wanted to cut costs they should look at the
high earners, not the people on the shop floor so to speak. There are people who work
for this company who earn more in a fortnight than what I do in a year, and thats before
their bonuses, share schemes et al. Fact of the matter is we dont sell stuff, just look
after the people that do and as a result were not integral. They can get someone in
The Philippines to do it for half the cost, and who will work for twice as long in the week.
Should anyone anywhere really work an eighty hour week? I mean come on... I dont
love the job, thats for sure, but its not as bad as others Ive had. What I do care about

is the people I work with. Some of them I've gotten pretty close to and I'm honoured to
count as friends. Others I just haven't had the time to get to know as well or I'm sure I
would value them just the same; but the job? It was never for me and I've been there
for five and a half years! I'll get to all this in time, for now it really is unimportant in the
grand scheme of things.
Okay, so I can sort of hear you asking If its not so important, why mention it? Imagine
not seeing someone for twenty-five years. . . You have so much to say to them you
dont really know where to start. Everything is likely to all come out a bit jumbled up,
upside down, topsy-turvy and back to front. Youre likely to forget little bits here and
there and trivial things may get mentioned before the more important stuff. Ive kept a
lot of things bottled up for such a long that I honestly dont know where to start. Nine
thousand, one hundred and twenty-five days. Twenty-five years; essentially a life
sentence right? I havent been in prison by the way in case youre wondering. . . I've
just kept a lot of things to myself for far too long, and it's not healthy.
It may well be more difficult to unravel than an episode of Twin Peaks but If you do stick
around, by the end, Im pretty certain that youll have a good idea of who I am, and what
Im all about. More importantly, I hope youll understand why Im doing this. I know a
few things that the majority of the world is unaware of, but should be. I do believe with
the utmost conviction that I have a message to spread and I have received various
messages myself or signs to convince me of this of late. These are not just mere
coincidence, rather examples of synchronicity or pointers; guidance if you like. Im not
saying Im a prophet or messiah, in fact Im a very naughty boy, but I do have some
qualities, we all do, and primarily, I just want to help.
Many things I have to say have been said before- In no way will I be plagiarising though,
just interpreting and spreading the word, but giving it the personal touch too, by
correlating it with my own experiences. I have read a few books lately written by
spiritual gurus and most of it is theory based for want of a better term. I will aim to link
some of their theory with my experiences. A lot of what I write will still be speculation
or theory, but makes so much sense to me it just has to be the way of things. A lot of it
is proven fact and all of it is common sense; to me anyway. Anything that comes from
personal experience is all true, every word I promise you. Honesty is one of the most
important traits a human can possess, and I value it almost as much as love and
laughter. We are perhaps the only species on the planet capable of lying, and in certain
situations a lie can be a good thing. These situations are rare however, and from this
day on, Im going to strive to tell the truth no matter what.
I've never really known what I wanted to do in life until recently. Sure I've had times
when I loved what I was doing, when I was my own boss back then for a while, in the
days when I wasn't a part of the infamous rat race. Generally though, Ive been stuck
in rubbish jobs, whiling away my existence on this planet, thinking that there has to be
more to than life than this. When youre working twelve hour night shifts in a gigantic
frikkin fridge then there absolutely has to be right? That was an earlier job by the way,

not what I do currently. I gave that one up to play poker so you could say Ive had a
mixed working life so far to say the least. Work has always just been a means to an
end for me though, no matter what I found myself doing; Ive never had a job that gave
me any real satisfaction unfortunately.
It was always a question I didn't have an answer for when asked - "What do you want
to do with your life?" I just always had the feeling that I was here for something in
particular, that I had some sort of part to play in this great big show, I just never knew
what it was. I now know my path in life so to speak and have the courage of my own
convictions, a little faith, both in myself, and the world around me. My eyes have been
opened after too long in the dark, and they are seeing as a new born baby's would
again. Im not certain by any means that it will all work out but I have an inner confidence
now that I havent had for a long time that makes me believe it will. That confidence
literally sprang into being and now illuminates my very being. I need to tell you how and
why.
Trust me this tale isn't boring in the slightest, and I've often thought of myself as a boring
person in the past, but no more, those days are long gone. There are many, many
reasons why I'm here telling this, and as mentioned Im really not sure what the most
important of them is right now. I just have to say right here first and foremost though,
sorry to my mum and dad. I'm sorry if me opening up in this way upsets you, but I know
it's the right way for me to do it, and for that I know I'm already forgiven. I love you both
with all my heart, please never forget that. It just all points to this, I have to write this as
a book to all, but want and have to open up to you both too.
Right now though I've got to start telling this tale of fates, destiny, signs, synchronicity,
mystery, wonder and the interconnectedness of all things before people start to get
bored. This is essentially an autobiographical, philosophical look at life along with some
advice on certain issues. How my experiences over the years have led me to this point,
and what Ive found out along the way. Its a story of life, the universe and everything.
(Sorry Douglas, I dont mean to copyright or anything, but its hard to come up with
decent euphemisms these days.) Sometimes when someones already said it best, it's
better to borrow from them. Thats what I always thought anyway. I guess thats just my
way of saying to expect a few quotes as we go along as you can't beat a good quote.
I'm going to leave some quotes blank, not because I don't know who said it before, but
to make this more of an experience for you. When you look it up you're likely to discover
something else that sparks interest I'm sure, and find something else to learn. Everyone
loves interaction right? If you haven't by some miracle got an internet connection or an
IPhone and don't know then just ask someone- start a conversation. Better still, if you
don't know, just ask anyway. We don't communicate in person enough these days. I've
been guilty of it in the past, but trust me I'm making up for it now; you can't shut me up
lately. I still listen though, that I learnt is important a long time ago, and it's why we were
given one mouth and two ears to coin another popular phrase. Some of the quotes I
use will be from major historical figures, spiritual leaders or philosophers, in particular
Alan Watts, whom I have recently discovered and have the greatest respect for. Some

10

will be from songs, a lot will be from films, as I've watched a lot of themNot got out
much as they say. A lot of people think this is because I'm a stoner. . .
That's what I've wanted people to think. It was easier than telling them I was socially
phobic. I've been playing my own game of hide and seek in the great big game of hide
and seek, basically scared to go and mix with others. I didn't even know there was such
a thing as Social Anxiety Disorder until five or six months ago now, and that in itself is
an indicator of how little I got out and about or talked with others about important stuff.
My short term memory isnt all that hot and Ive never really had an urgent sense of
time so I'm not exactly certain when I found out. When I did discover I wasn't quite as
weird as what I thought I was, after doing a little research online and discovering that it
affects a lot of people, (11% according to some stats somewhere) I instantly felt a lot
better. A great deal of the weight lifted right there and then. Okay, I would still struggle
to stay afloat on a Lillo in the Red Sea, with a life jacket, belt, and arm bands to boot,
but I felt a little lighter- I wasn't alone. I'm good at keeping things hidden and at hiding
myself. I always have been, and needed to be, but to hide things for so long is not
healthy, believe me.
I always thought I was possibly a little schizophrenic. I would have eternal interior
battles with myself. The constant overthinking and self-analysis would almost become
a conversation. On rare occasions I could actually probably confess to saying it did, but
then again I can't be sure, not fully. Part of me is- roughly half I'd say. Of course I kept
all this to myself, or selves, and brushed the interior battle off as being half English and
half Scottish and naturally a bit at odds. Sometimes I can be an angel and sometimes
I was capable of being a complete and utter ****. This I brushed off as happening to
everyone I've ever met though; not alone there am I? So you just go on. . . I'm not
schizo, I'm not weird. . . everything will get better soon. . . but you end up just hiding
stuff from everyone and not participating fully in life. The days and weeks roll into years,
which stretch into decades, and then the next thing you know you're nearly forty and
you're still in a of a mess. That is of course the biggest nutshell ever. Things happen
along the way that have a say in things that exacerbate prior events and contribute to
the final proverbial pigsty predicament, which is why of course I need to write a book.
As of 29th July 2012 I'm cured; not a "symptom" left. I have never felt better in my life.
I'd say words can't describe it, but that would then negate the need for this book
wouldn't it? I have to describe it. As such I've made up a word to do so- amorsome!
When something is so amazing and awesome you feel nothing but love. As well as the
amor aspect you also have, phonetically speaking, am awesome, which I am, and so
are you. We all are; every single human on this planet is at their core. Some may not
seem all that great on the face of it, and that will of course vary depending on who you
are, and where you are in the world right now. They were at one stage though. More
importantly, they can be, and hopefully will be, again. Maybe not in this lifetime, theirs
or yours, but at one stage, somewhere and somewhen.

I have just used a popular search engine to see if its out there yet, the word amorsome
I mean, but nope, were all good so far. Help me invent a word and get it in the Oxford
English dictionary. Can you imagine it? Rather than saying to someone have an
amazing day or an awesome day you say to them have an amorsome day and its not
only amazing and awesome but its filled with some love. (Thats how I came up with
the word by the way; trying to say either amazing or awesome but merging the two
halfway; happens all the time to me rather like mixing letters up I suppose, but this is
the only time Ive noticed something good, ne amorsome, coming from it.)
Why am I confident that even the worst of people can change for the better? Because
it happened to me. I would like to think I wasnt the worst kind of person of course, but
everything did change for me in an instant. I wasnt prescribed some miracle antidepressant or anything, but I changed from a long-term unhappy person to the
complete opposite after a ten minute chat and it was with no psychiatrist or any other
kind of health professional either. No leather couch in a plush office for me; this is all
took place on my bed- sort of anyway. . .
In essence I'm in love with life again, and in love with myself once more, for the first
time in a long time, and that has to be a good base to begin the rest of this life with. By
telling you my tale I hope to convince others to try my method, to go against the grain
of convention and throw a little caution to the wind. I aim to convince you that some of
the things you believe to be true simply aren't. Some of the laws you are asked or forced
to adhere to are worth trying to change or bend because they are ridiculous and are
there for two reasons only- money and control.
A lot of you reading this won't agree with my method of "cure." When it happened I
wasn't looking for or expecting to be "cured". I've put those in inverted commas because
I now know there was nothing really wrong with me per se. There was only something
wrong in that I lived thinking there was something very wrong with me for such a long
time. This will all be explained in time, but for now please know that I felt like there was
something wrong with me for twenty-five years. This drug that cured me is sourced
from nature, as indeed most are; definitely the best ones are anyway in my humble
opinion. It's called changa and it literally changa'ed my life, by way of the chat I just
referred to; a visionary experience that is detailed later. A lot of you may well also think
that the last thing you should be giving people with mental health issues is drugs of any
kind, but on reflection I really don't think I had any- of either. It wasn't any mental health
issues that I suffered from, rather an underlying feeling that something was wrong with
the world that I was being asked to try and fit into. I did have problems sure, and at
times I got extremely low, but I really don't think you can call it a disorder. Im also
reluctant to use the word drugs just due to the stigma attached to that word. What cured
me isn't a normal drug in any way shape or form. It's a psychedelic- the best kind.
Changa is now, quite obviously for me, my favourite psychedelic of all. Also, and more
importantly, its roots lay in plant medicines if youll excuse the lame pun, and these
plants carry the same active ingredient, Dimethlytryptamine (DMT) as us and most
other mammals. Its assumed but not scientifically proven, although highly likely, that
our pineal gland or third eye produces it.

12

I dont think its universally present in nature by accident. It has a function; we have
co-evolved with these plants. There is a purpose and a meaning to it. - Graham
Hancock.
Please if you're really anti-drugs, don't give up on this just yet. Give me the respect of
reading a few pages first and try and see my side of things (or watch the rather brilliant
Neurons to Nirvana now available on Netflix.) Your point of view of drugs is jaded and
misconceived I'm sure, influenced by years of propaganda from the government or
mainstream media, who have probably never taken the substances they speak so
vehemently against as well as having many other ulterior motives for giving them bad
press, primarily their ties to the pharmaceutical corporations that treat instead of cure.
Either that or you class psychedelics in with the others such as opiates that are
generally bad for you, considering the way that they are used in general today anyway;
raw opium however also has many medicinal uses I should just point out before moving
on. Psychedelics however, are in no way harmful in the right circumstances and
dosages, I can assure you of that. Nothing could be further from the truth- they can be
extremely beneficial- they just show you truth. Drugs dont automatically turn you into
a free loader, bum or hippy either. I've been gainfully employed ever since I was
eighteen, give or take a year or so out playing poker or travelling with the winnings.
As well as being an unburdening and opening up for me, a brief autobiography of sorts,
and an appeal, and possibly some sort of C.V. too, this book will be the start of
something. I've already made a new start in my life; I'm well and truly determined to
write. Perhaps it will only be this book but well see. I dont like to look too far into the
future as it would spoil all the surprise. If for any reason this book doesn't get published,
I'll listen to the criticism, take it on the chin, try to persuade them they're wrong and go
back and start again if needs be; maybe try to write my message under cover of a soft
porn book for mass appeal; Fifty Blades of Hay perhaps?
Your work is to discover your work and then with all your heart to give yourself to it.Buddha
Failing that Ill just post it on the internet, but I prefer books to Kindle or computers, CDs
over MP3 Ive never owned an IPhone or an IPod. Im old fashioned I guess; the
world moves too fast these days, far too fast for its own good. We need to take a step
back and re-asses, remember who we are and think about what we're capable of and
why we're here, because frankly not enough of us ponder that question anymore I dont
think. If writing doesn't work out for me, I'd like to try photography, just to get out and
about and see more of nature. I am a bit of a jack of all trades at most things, apart
from home maintenance and anything useful I suppose, but photography is something
I think I may have a talent for. I haven't given it the time or dedication needed to take it
anything further than just a hobby as yet, but it is still a possibility. What I do know is
I'm not cut out for working for the system anymore; sure I can get up and go to work,
but I do it to pay for a home to live in and for food to eat. Hopefully this is my ticket out.

What I want to say may not be written in the best prose, it may not flow from the pages
like Wordsworth or Tolkien. It's important that you know that I've never attempted to
write a book before. It may be incredibly disjointed in parts due to my dyslexic
tendencies even, but I had to write it. Some of it actually cant be described; Im pretty
certain of that. At the minute I'm not entirely convinced this will be a success, but I am
confident it will be; it's just a feeling in my bones. What I do know for sure is that it will
be written, come hell or high water. I am here for a reason, telling you this, just the
same as we are all here for a reason on this great big rollercoaster of life. I truly believe
Im on a mission, maybe not from God like the Blues Brothers, but something along
those lines.
What cured me was no religious or medical event either by the way. I havent suddenly
seen the light like Jake and Elwood did. I would call it spiritual or mystical, and as a
result of it I have faith, belief, restored pride, a new zest for life, and a desire to help.
I've always liked helping people. Most of the time, and now I actually think about it, it's
just been work stuff, in the warehouse, factory or office, training new staff members, or
holding doors open for people, being polite and trying to make people smile or laugh
whenever possible. I will always help a mate in need or spare some change for the
homeless, but never have I had the chance, or desire, to try and help so many in one
fell swoop.
I am just about ready to turn in for the night actually as my neck is killing me from the
shite position I'm sat in; I haven't even moved the couch round in my haste to get typing
and make a start. I know I didn't start until gone two in the morning so it may not appear
as though I was in that much of a rush but this, by my standards, is quick. After work
finished earlier on today I spent a lot of time in contemplation deciding the best way to
attack this, before putting some music on to lift my spirits and then setting about it.
Once I did start I didn't bother to think about making myself comfortable and just
plunged straight in. I'm at a 45 degree angle, 12" away from a glaring air conditioning
unit of a monitor that currently resides on my desk in the lounge. My LCD screen blew
up recently. Well thats a bit dramatic, it just sort of fizzled out to tell the truth. PC World
wanted a hundred odd quid for a new one so I thought balls to that and got the old
monitor down from the loft, practically risking a hernia in the process. I really do need
to get a decent position set before I start typing tomorrow though. I only really noticed
the aches when I stopped typing to cue up some different music.
For now I suppose I have to try and summarise this long and rather random prologue
for you. My name's Mark, I am thirty something years old. I'm a recently self-diagnosed,
and cured, sociaphobic. I have suffered with Social Anxiety Disorder for roughly twentyfive years now; no one knew. . . I only found out the disorder recently when I read about
it in my bog book: Earth, a Visitors Guide a few months ago. (That's the book I leave in
the toilet for perusing while I do what we all have to do.) So, I guess this important to
show how I was cured of SAD (Im going to use that as the acronym. I realise its also
seasonal affective disorder but Ive never had that; I used to be down all through the
year) and maybe help other fellow sufferers as a start, but so much more than that too.
You will see eventually the underlying message of love I hope. Love is all you need

14

according to a popular British band after all, though I often wondered if its all we need
then why is it not all there is? Maybe in another dimension or galaxy, far, far away. . .
I would like to try and help fix the world, but am aware this is not possible on my own,
but I have to make a start. If we all start making starts then who knows where we can
end up eh? If I can maybe help by giving an honest account of a few things that may
help a few people out here or there then thats the start Im going to make. Where I go
from there is still right up in the air, but Im sure Ill find out when the time is right.
At the moment its difficult to know how I'll get this all out coherently and legibly. Some
of the things I have to describe are on the face off it indescribable, but I will find a way.
I'll tell you all about the disorder, me, and you, in greater detail later but for now let me
say good night, please stay tuned. It will be insightful, touching, sad, funny, poignant,
educational, passionate, inspiring and so many more things that I can't even begin to
wonder and no matter what else I may be I am a dreamer. . .
I was born sometime in '73 and I was awakened on the 29th July 2012, and I have never
been happier in my life. If you see me, give me a smile. It makes the world a better
place.
P.S. Not sure if you noticed, but there were only typos in that first paragraph. I can't
read it back and not proof read it. I knew that would happen really, you spend so much
time on your lonesome you cant help but get to know yourself. Thought I'd leave the
early bit in though, sort of a quirky introduction if you like. I'm nothing if not a wee bit
crazy, but "I'll let you into a little secret, all the best people are".

One
So it be that I am it and it is me
And he is it and so is she
So were all it- us three
Then Bobs your uncle; you are me!

I know this now; yet its known all along.

Patiently waiting for us to remember.

Prologue addendum
21 month intermission, skipping forward to December 2014. Writing a book is harder
than I imagined at first. I wrote the majority of this bit in May and tweaked it in the final
edit towards the end of July, once I had finally gotten to the decision of how to shape
things. From there was a bit more indecision, as me and decisions dont generally get
to the final stage that quickly as youll come to find out, before the final proof read and
release. Its had a few small parts removed since deciding to tweak it a tiny bit before
making it free, finally. . .
It seems a long time ago that I wrote that now, so much has happened in between then
and now, and all or at least most will be covered towards the end and a little bit here
too while Im here. The lost job count reaching four in an eighteen month period being
one reason for the delay in getting this out, but there are many more including crisis of
confidence; more in my own ability than any doubt over my beliefs however.
One of the reasons I started to write this is no longer relevant due to the time passed
from starting this to release date, as I have obviously spoken with my parents about
everything. Ive made some changes to the text as a result, but have left in bits here
and there so as not to lose the feel of getting the silence out for want of a better
expression. It was a major reason for wanting to write the book in the first place so I
thought it best not to change it too much. I just want to thank them for being open
minded enough to accept how I went about things and not being angry, upset or
worried. That is unconditional love. Their reaction brought home to me how stupid I had
been for not talking to them previously, whether this was due to me being concerned
over how they would react or just scared to ask for help Im not sure.
Nobody likes asking for help do they? At least I dont think they do. I know I certainly
dont anyway. Sometimes we all have to do things we dont want to though eh? I have
learnt of late though that it is sometimes, actually it usually probably is better, to ask for
help if you need it. My dad has often told me I needed help in the past but meant it in
jest, or at least I think he did. Generally these comments would come after him seeing
me doing something daft such as playing a racing game on a console whilst wearing
my motorbike crash hat for instance when younger and still living with my parents. I
have spent most of my life to date needing real help but never asking. I always had a
fear of asking for assistance in the past, and I presume its the same as for a lot of you;
loss of pride or face. I didnt want to be perceived as weak or having something wrong
with me so never asked. Ego.
I need your help. You need my help. We all need each others help. Help me help you
by helping me and together we will be helping the collective we; you see? Its as easy
as . . .
(Proof there that you I am you and you are me- you completed my
sentence right?) Over the course of this book I will be attempting to convince you, if
you are not already of the opinion anyway, that we are all one, Brahman, God, the
universe expressing itself individually etc. Quite literally its a cosmic realisation. I will
attempt to do this, not from the prickly scientific stance of quantum mechanics, atoms

16

and suchlike, as I know next to nothing about it, but from the gooey, philosophical side
of things. Im not exactly qualified as a philosopher either but I think and theorise a fair
bit as Ive stated. If indeed you are the universe, and considering that there are many
theories about manifesting what you want by asking the universe for it Im going to ask
you for that help. I need you to help me help the universe, which is me and you and
every other thing in it. To that end, if you in any way enjoy or learn anything valuable
from this, then please tell someone else about it.
You see there are basically two kinds of philosophy; ones called prickles, the others
called goo. Prickly people are precise, rigorous and logical, they like everything
chopped up and clear. Goo people like it vague. For example in physics, prickly people
believe that the ultimate constituents of matter are particles; goo people believe its
waves, and in philosophy prickly people are logical positivists, and goo people are
idealists. And theyre always arguing with each other and what they dont realise is that
neither one could take their own position without the other person, because you
wouldnt know you were advocating prickles unless someone was advocating glue. You
wouldnt know what a prickle was unless you knew what goo was. Because life is not
either prickles or goo its gooey prickles or prickly goo; they go together like back and
front, male and female.- Alan watts on prickly/gooey stuff.
There is also something else that is giving me the confidence that this will work out,
despite the fact that Ive never written a book before. I know with all of my heart that I
am meant to write it, and again I aim to prove this to you. When I say prove, you are
going to have to use a little faith and believe what I tell you but when I make a promise,
like the one Ive just made to myself, I always keep it, and I promise you everything that
has happened to me personally that makes me believe this so fervently is all true, and
some of it is pretty damn mysterious and wonderful to say the least.
For sure, I have had a lot of difficulty in knowing what to say, and how to say it to have
the desired effect. At times I have felt lost and slightly dejected at my inability to sort
through the mess that it was to make it what it needs to be. Changing my mind
repeatedly and more often than my underpants hasnt really helped either. In fact, pretty
much the only thing that has kept me going is my faith in this project. Quite a few times
Ive started various things in the past and never gotten around to finishing them, but I
was never going to let that happen this time. One cant save the world on faith alone
though can one? Im not trying to save the world by the way: that is pure dramatisation.
Hang on it is a book isnt it, should I dramatise? Course I should but then again I dont
know, its probably best not to so I will try and stay away from dramatising events that
are not directly linked to my personal life when I talk about them briefly in the later
stages. They do need talking about, some of them anyway, just enough to get you to
well, thats up to you what you do isnt it? Im not going to get too in depth about the
state of the world. I know next to nothing on the face of it anyway.

Well I never said I was a clever man, but I know enough to understand. New Model
Army- I Love the World.
So then, not an in-depth dissection of worldly events at all, more a brief eye opener for
those that need it, and perhaps more importantly I feel, a look not at the events or
systems themselves individually but me sharing my reactions to it all, as you too will go
through this at one point. Sooner rather than later I suspect as well. That is as
unavoidable as death Im sorry to say. Death though is nothing to be afraid of, and
likewise the same can be said for your reaction to the whole big fucking mess basically.
A very small percentage of the people on Earth are responsible for this. They have
used a myriad of methods to achieve this and perpetuate your slavery basically for a
very long time, and quite frankly, without wanting to put too finer point on it, its time for
them to fuck off.
Now, I know I just said we are one and all reflections of the universe, but we also all
operate individually at the same time, and have different strengths and weaknesses,
priorities and concerns, motivations and desires etc. One of my biggest weaknesses is
laziness; the other big one for me is indecision. At one point, right up until the last
minute on 30th July (today as I write this bit here, and further bits in the second edit in
December) I did have a break-down of certain key false flag events and a look at how
the fractional reserve banking system is the root of most of the worlds problems. A look
at the pharmaceutical industry and the havoc its wreaking, and a look at Monsanto and
GM foods and everything else of that ilk at one time, but ultimately I came to the
decision that is not what this book is about. If you want to know about that stuff its far
better you do your own research anyway. However, I will mention, rather than discuss,
some things in my own rather unique way. The story behind that is just coming up, no
need to wait that long this time, but I cant mention it quite yet. The decision to remove
this stuff is in no way because my beliefs have changed. Its just a matter of
concentrating on important things first and foremost, and though those things may be
important; probably more important to the greater amount of people than who will be
served by what I will concentrate on, I have finally come to realise its not why I started
this book. There are people out there who have been researching this stuff for a lot
longer than me, are far more wise and clued up on the finer details etc. and I can point
you in the right direction should you so desire of course. The topics I will primarily
concentrate on is anxiety, psychedelics and healing with a sprinkle of spirituality on the
side.
I did also worry about a possible detrimental knock on effect that might make people
not listen properly, or read even, when I talked about the more important stuff, to my
mind anyway, that the book was initially meant to be about- healing and love, if I went
too deeply into the conspiracy stuff. Okay, it is extremely perturbing what the powers
that be are doing, but theyve been doing it a long time now anyways you know? I was
worried about what I said, if I said it in the wrong way, or if I had the wrong idea in the

18

first place before, but no more. Im confident in my beliefs on a lot of matters but I dont
want to influence your opinion personally as just stated. Content wise however I do
fervently believe that I need to talk about some of these topics very briefly, purely
because it does tie in with why these medicines are illegal.
Much like the indecision over content I have also had many titles for this book along
the way before settling on a slight tweak of my original idea, changing life is amorsome
to you are amorsome. If someone tells you that life is amorsome for example then you
could well be prone to thinking great, it is for you maybe, but my life still sucks. You
are amorsome however, is a totally different kettle of fish no? And no matter what- you
are amorsome. As I said in the initial prologue I wrote almost two years ago now
everyone is amazing and awesome, some just dont know it, or have fallen folly to the
wolf thats inside all of us. I think anyone who has experienced Ayahuasca or DMT will
be able to tell you of the effects it has had on their opinion of themselves and others,
of how it has helped them beyond measure in the vast majority of cases. Im not an
isolated case even if I do spend a fair amount of time on my own. . .
I have done a lot of research, joined discussion groups and spoken to others who have
had similar experiences. A short while ago I read in the comments section of an article
a good bit of advice. A guy was explaining to someone who was having trouble now
that he was awake and others werent- that he no longer fitted in. The wise dude told
him that very often people find themselves in that situation and either want to save the
world or run away into a cave. That happened to me. I felt like I had to save the world
as soon as I was sure about what was going on. As a result I put this up too hastily and
it was only when I pulled it down I realised how bad it was. It was written on an old PC
on note pad without a spell checker and though I had proof read it or thought I had, I
realised my proof reading was either not as good as I thought or my dyslexia was a
touch worse than I imagined. In the following months it dawned on me how long it has
all been going on for so I slowed down. I took stock. I breathed. Currently I have 90%
of this written, and proof read; which in itself has been one of the challenges I faced in
getting this completed so Im almost there. I have a laptop and spell checker now,
though I dont know how to turn it from English US to English UK which is real handy,
and no matter if I enter ignore all, or add to dictionary when prompted, the next flipping
time I open the document all the correctly spelt words are still underlined in red- argh!
I also tend to get the words from and form mixed up all the time so it still needs a manual
check. For some reason I always get vowels, particularly the letter I and O, mixed up
all the time too so words like dies or does tend to get switched round and missed by
the spell check, and that could of course lead to all sorts of misunderstanding.
Dyslexia is only something I have noticed have a problem with fairly recently, like in the
last few years, but apart form (deliberate error-pun intended- just checking if youre
awake) not having a job, its one of only a few problems that I have. Procrastination and

laziness have always been some of my bigger problems. Farts maybe now I come to
think of it are a problem for some; but they never bother me. Actually not having a job
at the moment is not a problem at all is it; what am I on about? Its where I need to be
at the moment to give this the attention it deserves. My mind does wander all the time
and Im extremely scatty and indecisive. Maybe its just a reflection of the dyslexia?
Who knows? Who cares? By the time you read this it should all be sorted anyway. Im
sure Ive probably highlighted this before but my short-term memory is not too hot
either.
So, not too much drama in the later stages I assure you. What I tell you I will try and
tell gently. It is likely by all accounts that some of you know all or more about it all then
I do, granted, but I know for sure that most dont, and I believe they have to or need to
know. I also believe that once someone knows they have the responsibility to tell others.
As I had started writing a book anyway, it seemed the ideal place to do so. I have come
to this conclusion of late after a long time pondering; like I have stated, probably
repeatedly already, making my mind up has never been easy, and generally takes a
whole bucket load of time.
I have friends I have been trying to get to understand this stuff for some time and finally
I think its sinking in. A few days ago I had a couple of them convinced after getting on
the old soap box once more. Not that Im into any dodgy alphabet agency spy tactics
or anything but I wish that I had taped my speech for want of a better word that I had
just bent my friends ears with. As mentioned I think I managed to sum up pretty much
whats wrong with the world in about fifteen minutes. I have the equipment necessary
to have recorded it; but didnt think to do so. It was only as I realised the change in the
faces that they looked at me with as compared to previous occasions that I realised for
the first time they thought I was making sense, that the thought actually crossed my
mind. Ive been trying to get friends around to my way of thinking for some time, and
its not been easy at all. In fact its been a constant uphill battle. Lately though, as in
this instance, people are starting to get it. Perhaps this is more to do with it being easier
to see through their plans day by day however than any ability on my part as a
persuader. Enough about those topics for now though, I just wanted to mention that as
it led me nicely into this next bit.
That recording equipment I mentioned, and how I will be getting some stuff across in
my own unique manner as indicated earlier, is just a dictaphone, and by that I mean I
dont have any fancy recording equipment- it is just a dictaphone in that sense. However
it is far more than just a dictaphone in every other. It plays an integral part of this story
and I often refer to it as my destiny enshrouded dictaphone due to the key part it played
in one of the biggest examples of synchronicity, or signs, that Ive ever experienced,
and Ive had a few. Please remember that this is true, I promise you. What happened
did actually happen too. I was not under the influence of anything when I saw what I
saw- this was no hallucination by any means. You will just have to trust me and I would
take any polygraph test in the world to back up what Im about to tell you, and though I

20

was a pretty good poker player online, Im generally crap face to face with good players.
Okay granted, this isnt face to face either but it feels a hell of a lot more personal than
a game of cards.
I'm not going to go into the initial vision and healing experience just now, that I will save
for later, but the bit that should get you onboard with my this is meant to be outlook
came shortly after it. At the end of the vision I was asked about what I was going to do
next. To cut a long story short for now so as not to ruin it later I had decided to write;
perhaps this is a bit obvious by now? I mean you're here reading this right? I often do
most of my better thinking in bed at night if I'm having trouble sleeping. Admittedly this
is a bit of a Catch-22 situation, as it's the thoughts that are keeping me awake of course,
but there you go, what are you going to do? Accordingly, one night I had the idea that
a dictaphone would make much better sense than having to scrawl notes here, there
and everywhere on scraps of paper. In the initial weeks when most of the ideas were
forming and taking shape I could hardly shut my brain off at night so it did come in real
handy; it was a good purchase.
The following day I logged onto an online store to purchase some other goodies- this
was a different kind of store altogether to the type where you would buy a dictaphone,
but I also had other shopping to do. On logging in you had to enter your username and
password, followed by an encrypted code that is meant to be hard to read. You know
the type of thing I mean I'm sure? Like a child lock. . . Anyway, on this particular site it
always came in the format of five letters followed by three numbers, and on this specific
visit the code spelled out dicta 989. . .
The numbers I can't swear on as were inconsequential really and Ive forgotten them,
(it just makes sense to put in three random numbers as opposed to xxx) but those
letters spelled out d-i-c-t-a as sure as eggs are eggs and politicians lie. Wow! What
are the odds of that then? Nearly 12 million to one by all accounts if you work it outtwenty six to the power of five. My reaction is difficult to explain, because although I
was amazed I was not exactly taken aback. Perhaps I should have been downright gob
smacked, gibbering like a maniac with my chin on the floor, drool everywhere- but I
wasnt. I mean winning the lottery is not that much longer a shot is it really? However,
this wasn't the first sign I've had, so I managed to keep my composure and just smiled,
instantly recognising it for what it was. I still glowed inwardly a little however and
finished my online shopping at this particular store before logging onto another and
ordering one straight away. You see why now why I believe I am destined to write this
I hope.
At the time I didn't work out the odds or the magnitude may have hit me and I may well
have had to pick myself up off the floor- but I didn't. It was only much later that I
considered entering the numbers into a calculator to get the bigger picture. I didn't think
to take an actual picture at the time before entering the site either; hindsight really is
twenty-twenty. . . You'll just have to trust me; it is true and I'd take any polygraph to

prove it as stated- machine or human. My favourite scene in all movies has to be in the
film True Romance when Christopher Walken, playing Vincent Cocotti, is trying to
extract information from Dennis Hopper, who is playing the father of the guy Vincent is
looking for. He is playing a Sicilian Mafioso who prides himself as being a human lie
detector by using the pantomime; the essence of which is that there are countless
indicators to show when someone is lying basically. He is quite a fearful character as
you can imagine. He could torture me until the end of time and I would still
unscrupulously say it said d- i- c- t- a.
There was a further sign of similar or even greater odds that I had more recently that
was also in connection with my visionary experience. It's hard to compare as can't be
worked out in a mathematical fashion like the dicta event, but it is on the face of it
unbelievable. It could of course be a coincidence, but I think not. I mean one occurrence
of those odds may possibly turn out be a coincidence if you live in world of flying pigs,
every day in the month is always Sunday, and there four leaf clovers on every corner,
but two? Nope, not for me. One of the other big signs Ive had in my life is old and
doesnt relate to this experience directly as such, but was instrumental in me being
somewhat resistant to a full on coronary when the dicta event happened so is linked in
that way. That older sign played a massive part in my leaving a job to play poker full
time, and that was a success of sorts, so Im confident about this book as a result. That
is one area where I do have the benefit of experience.
Everyone and everything is interconnected in this universe. Stay pure of heart and you
will see the signs, follow the signs and you will uncover your destiny. Jeff (who lives
at home; it was a film I watched last week- by pure chance of course.)
Other signs have been more subtle, and have come in varying forms and times when I
needed a little guidance, help and encouragement along the way, including a very
recent online ideal career test that told me I should write.
You have a skill for language, your imagination is vast and you are artistic and creative. Your brain is just
overflowing with ideas, and all you have to do is get a piece of paper and share it with the world. You were born
to turn words into magical stories

- which was nice and timely as made my decision about turning a job down that I had
an early interview for all the easier; if I ever have to that is. They still actually havent
contacted me almost a month later so I dont think Ive got it. They should of course
have had the decency to contact me and tell me, but it was done through an agency so
maybe it got held up there. I would have chased them but as I didnt want the job it
seemed a bit daft all things considered. All these signs are a clear indication that the
universe works in mysterious ways. That is another reason I know I am an integral part
of the universe as I too work in mysterious ways. I do not fully understand myself and
nor do I fully understand the universe and I dont really want to either. Proper Gooey
me.
Its funny how life just progresses and puts us where were supposed to be, but you
always know when youre on the right path because things just fall into place. The ride
may be a little uncomfortable sometimes; sometimes things may fall into place in ways

22

that you dont really like and it may be a bit of a jolt and shock to the system and you
may find yourself in circumstances you didnt plan on but ultimately, if youre open to it,
the universe will put you where you need to be.- Maxwell Igan.
Copied below are the first few entries from the dictaphone. There have been a load
more on a variety of topics; some important, some not so, some extremely random and
some quite poignant. Some will probably make very little sense initially, but I happen to
think theres a few nuggets or gems in there, especially a little further down the line,
and hopefully they should make you smile if nothing else. That is as good a medicine
as any other in a way after all; some say its the very best.
"Testing testing, 123, life and times of a virtual nobody or whatever the bollocks I'm going to
call it.... You know it feels strange, holding this dictaphone in my hand, not knowing what to
say because I'm actually having to say something and not just think it, yet when I'm thinking I
can never turn my thoughts off."
"So what we got? hmm - Insomniac since 13 since you know what happened, never really slept
properly since then. Only way I can sleep properly through the night is with weed. If I get pissed
I fall asleep but just wake up in the middle of the night, same as with herbal sleeping tablets. I
could get proper sleeping tablets, but why would you use manufactured in a lab when you've
got a plant that can do it for ya? So that's the way I sleep and manage to sleep through the night.
Being doing that for twenty five years more or less, give or take a bit off time off here and there
when marriedWhat else have I got to record? Oh yeah, thought for the day, to use the Batman
quote. I'll have to look it up first as forgotten it, thats the weed and short term memory loss for
you hrmph! It's something to do with it being what we do that defines us. That's what I'm trying
to do now is define my life- begin my life. Life begins at forty, well, thirty-nine ish."
(Just need to state here that hrmph = lol for want of a better term. Not that theres
anything too bad with lol, just I generally dont laugh out loud at my own comments,
more like snort hrmph. As I have tried to enter these recordings as they sounded,
complete with pauses and snorts it makes more sense to me.)
"If you build it they will come. If you write it they will read? Know what I mean? Possibly? Just
got to have a little faith."
"Possible title- my awakening, put for my family and other loved ones; inside the back I could
put about the author... Just put like self-diagnosed with SAD, whatever month it was, let me
think back, dit dit dit, four or five months ago roughly, discovered by reading the bog book.
How I've come to terms with that. How it's helped me knowing about it first of all, as that was
a great start and then lead into getting the changa and the actual awakening, and since then
discovering that I can't lie about anything anymore- there's no point lying. You've got to be true
to yourself about everything no matter what people think of you. And that all the time I've been

hurting myself for no reason even though I'm a hrmph effing good bloke and I love myself
finally, at last. Finally like 38 years you know what I mean? I had to let go forgiven him,
moving on, life begins at forty ish Yeah inside the back, self-diagnosed such and such,
cured such and such. I challenge any psychiatrist to argue with my synopis/diagnosis- whatever
you want to call it."
"Thing with this book is it can be a success. I can do what I want...before I start writing I could
go to college and learn creative writing though I do think it's the one career, lifestyle or art that
you can have where I don't think you really have to have any proper teachings. I mean look at
Irvine Welsh- hardly a grammatical genius is he? But stone me if he's a compelling, gifted writer.
Got all your stuff Irv, love ya! Well maybe not got all your stuff, but I've read all your stuff- at
least 90% of it anyway. Even if you do have to read some of it twice, three times even; work out
what a jay kit is meant to be, and I'm half Scottish for fucks sake hrmph!"
"Lay the book out in chapters. Each chapter start with a quote, from a movie or a book, or a
famous figure. Start with telling how you got a problem- Crocodile Dundee (adopts dodgy Aussie
accent)- somebody got a problem, they tell Wal, Wal tells Walkabout, soon everybody knowsno more problem."
(Very excited voice) Finally got the title! After looking at loads of things like change your life,

leap of faith, all that sort of stuff you know where there are countless books with those titles
already. The idea has become one and all that bollocks hrmph... What's the only way right? The
only conceivable way to call a book something and be sure that it's never been used before?
Make a word up! And funnily enough yesterday I made a word up. All day at work I was busy
telling people how I might be able to make money outa this, like trademark it as a thing. It would
be a great name for an Italian food company for instance. Could be a company or just a brand
of their food, Cornetto, a pizza; anything. Anyway, the word is amorsome! Title of the book is
going to be life is amorsome- that's a, m- what the fuck am I telling myself how to spell it for?
I know how to spell it, I fucking made the word up, but you get what I mean? This is just a note
so you know what you're talking about when you play it back and so you don't sound like a
gibbering fucking maniac hrmph BUT! Life is amorsome; life and philosophies of a, er, selfdiagnosed, and cured sociaphobic - thank Q"
"Re-write the prologue? Keep some of the stuff you've written obviously use a load, but, um,
re-write, just straight off write to the publishers, and readers, why they have to pick it up in the
first few lines. Why would they be interested? Anyone who has ever suffered from social anxiety
disorder- apparently 11% of the world, anyone who smokes weed, anyone who takes
psychedelics; fellow psychonauts everywhere, anyone who's interested in the mysteries of the
universe... I think that's pretty much everyone so I've got a pretty wide base hrmph.

24

Those were a select few of the early ones, some were literally just reminders and not
worthy of entry, and most of the rest will be in later on in at one stage or another.
Humour is important to me and its been quite hard getting humour into the book. For
sure theres a few amusing anecdotes in the brief autobiography but you can never
have enough laughs in my humble opinion. Peers in earlier jobs have told me I have a
self-deprecating sense of humour, and initially I had to look that term up on hearing it
for the first time. In essence it means Im happy to take the pee out myself for a laugh;
seems they knew me pretty well. So thats why theyre in there essentially, alongside
the trifling 12 million to one shot reason.
I think these talks, whilst probably gibberish to some, will appeal to most hopefully. Sure
the dictaphone helped me with remembering what I wanted to write if I had poignant
thoughts late at night but I do think they offer a little more than that also. Alongside the
bit of humour there is also a look into the workings of my mind- hrmph. At one point I
did have one of the later, longer talks entered here, but for cohesion and flow I have
now moved it to towards the back. Everything else that has happened to me in between
July 2012 and July 2014 is in the intervening chapters, as well as a few other selected
stories, events, highlights and lowlights of the preceding 40 years, those of them that I
can remember and are worthy of note anyway. Some may say that nobody wants to
hear stories of non-celebrities and that I havent done anything or anyone, but I beg to
differ. It may not have all the excitement of a fictitious novel either, but some funky shit
has happened to me, and its real, and for me that makes it a whole lot more interesting.
Its anecdotal evidence too if you like. I think its needed to explain the anxiety to some
degree.
I wish I could release this under my true name rather than a fictitious one, but its more
for the privacy and friends of loved ones than fear of any prosecution that leads me to
do so. In my mind I have committed no crime by using plants to heal and explore my
consciousness. I am no longer in possession of any of them so theres no need to come
knocking on my door looking thanks if you have managed to find out where I live.
Doesnt really need the might of the NSA, CIA or MI5 to crack that Im sure, but Im still
using a pseudonym for others benefit. Ive got the message and Ive hung up the
phone as it were, for now at least. Everyone elses names will be changed as well as
places, and I won't be specific on dates, but everything else is all true; what has
happened to me anyway. I settled on Misfit for a surname not just due to the alliteration
aspect actually; although absolutely affable. . . It was more because I used to feel like
a misfit for a long time, had a couple of months when I felt normal for want of a better
word, before feeling like a misfit once again. This time however, I am glad about it, so
the word now has a special rather than troubling feeling about it. This is no slur on the
normal people that I so wanted to be like for so long whatsoever in any way, shape or
form. Its just . . . hmmm, how to put this? I cant sum it up; youll have to read the book
to find out why and thats not just a shameless plug honestly. Okay, so it was. I told you
I cant lie anymore.

A lot of my writing has been aimed at trying to get certain plants accessible to the public
without any fear of recrimination. I can see cannabis becoming more readily accepted
day by day and this is great news, although it is certainly long overdue. It should never
have been made illegal in the first place come to think of it, but there you have it. In the
US it is still classed as a schedule one drug just like DMT. IE it has no medicinal benefit.
This is the most absurd classification possible, as it has a multitude of medicinal uses
and not just anti-cancer. Trust me, it has anti-cancer properties, and theyve known
about it for a long time too. The fact that it is legal for medicinal use in twenty-two or so
states currently just go to show how absurd this federal ruling is, as well as show how
skewed, or back to front and upside down the system is. It is more like a systew. Is
this another possible addition to the misfit dictionary alongside amorsome do you think?
Systew; Noun. Used to refer to the fucked up system that humanity has allowed to reign
supreme for so long to the detriment of the vast majority as well as their very home and
mother. See also Metsys for backwards system as an alternative to systew, or the
definition of insanity for further elaboration on both these terms. Lately systew has also
been hyphenated in some circles for extra emphasis when indicating a sick system- as
in cyst-ew!
You know the system is fucked when something can get added to the banned
substances list overnight but the situation in reverse is a joke. For instance trying to get
a really dangerous chemical out of the public water supply, or aspartame out of popular
diet drinks. Changing the name does not count. . .
I am still worried about the level of control the current bodies do or will want to put on
the cannabis plant however despite the promising steps. I doubt very highly that they
will ever legalise psychedelics and these are more important to our future as cannabis
to my mind, as they hold the key to unlocking problems of the mind. They have just as
much medicinal benefit as cannabis, and are probably much more key to our survival
as a species quite frankly. Ergo, the best course of action available would be to remove
the bodies that keep these healing wonders from positions of power. This was one of
the deciding factors in me finally deciding to include some conspiracy related stuff at
all. I am 100% convinced that they are up to no good and are taking the piss, and have
been for a bloody long time. When you consider how difficult it is for me to make my
mind up about anything else, and if you dont by now you will if you read on, then this
overwhelming certainty and clarity surely speaks volumes? Trying to fix the broken
system will not work. You can pander to Cameron and Obama all you like to try and get
them to implement positive change but they are the lapdogs of the banking cartels &
corporations and nothing more. They will nod their head as they pretend to listen,
perhaps even smile at you to feign interest, and as soon as your back is turned theyll
stab you in it- again.
You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change something build a
new model that makes the existing model obsolete. R. Buckminster Fuller.

26

I understand you may well be thinking Im loony, if indeed you have got this far. Maybe
I should have got this in earlier but Im not changing it all round again hrmph. Just as I
did with one example of synchronicity, I will use one very quick example to show how
your government is crooked, and its easy to understand. Picture yourself as being the
PM or President, you know the chap meant to be in charge of running the country and
serving the interests of the people. Now, I understand that on the face of it this seems
a complex task, but lets ignore the fact that were all perfectly capable of governing
ourselves for a minute. Well also ignore, health, defence, pensions and other messy
stuff like that and concentrate on one topic only; the issuing and the control of currency.
There is a high chance you do not know about the logical and favourable option open
to government when it comes to this point, because they dont want you to know about
it. Cats out the bag though, and when you realise that they take the corrupt and
fraudulent option over one that would clearly work then there is no other alternative to
the fact that theyre bent. Is there? Please say no. I really need you to say no here. . .
The option open to government; the one that they dont tell you about, and steadfastly
refuse to implement is state issued currency. Its been done before in the UK and the
US, historically called the Bradbury Pound and the Greenback respectively. Instead
they choose to borrow it, at roughly 17.5% compound interest, from privately owned
banking corporations, masquerading under the guise of national banks. That interest
on the loan is essentially equal to what is deducted in income tax. Federal income tax
was also introduced at around about the same time as the Federal Reserve took over
the responsibility of issuing currency and the same can be said for in the UK too. This
I assure you is no coincidence. It is designed so that we are always in debt to the central
banks, and essentially you as a taxpayer, are collateral on that debt; in other words a
slave.
There are multiple other indicators of the level of corruption that runs amok, quite
literally everywhere now. Its like they know the cats long gone and no longer care about
getting it back in that proverbial bag. Theyre just waiting for the rest of to catch up and
then well see how it pans out I suppose. However, no matter how hard they try to keep
a lid on some stuff, other avenues become available, and all their attempts at cover up
just dig their own graves that little bit deeper. Some supposedly important people, in
their own eyes anyway, have been up to some very depraved and nasty shit by all
accounts. Whether they get their just deserts is another matter. The pedophile reports
are disappearing just like the expense reports it seems.
As Bucky so very wisely said in that quote, fixing the broken system wont work; we
need a fresh one. If you look at the big picture there is more than enough reason to
implement one. Change will come eventually anyway, of that there is no doubt. More
and more people are waking up every day, having their own personal inner revolution,
and its this where I want to be of help of course. I would prefer if we could change the
system overnight so to speak as there are countless people suffering all over the world

as a result of our puppet governments decision making, but Ill take the slow and steady
change over none; any day of the week.
There was plenty of actual conspiracy of nefarious proportions that went on in the past
about how the banking system we all operate was implemented if youre interested in
history, but for now, today, all you really need to know is it is fraudulent, criminal, and
there are far better ways to do things. The people apparently responsible for looking
after your welfare know about these better methods but ignore them. They want it
broken basically. Just look up the Bradbury Pound if youre in the UK. Stateside the
equivalent is the Greenback. Interest free money issued by the treasury and not
borrowed from the central banks. Wow, what a good idea! Why wont the government
re-introduce it then eh? Could it possibly be they dont want to fix the system? For them
the system works; it makes them money but for people with a conscience the system
is clearly broken, hence the misfit term systew.
These plot-icians who are effectively in charge of the systew and meant to decide
whats best for the country run off and hold meetings in private with heads of banks,
corporations and even royalty to decide what is best for them, and not us, at yearly
gatherings. These are called the Bilderberger meetings and are insidious, highly
disturbing and probably as close to illegal as you can get without being so.
"But though the law cannot hinder people of the same trade from sometimes
assembling together, it ought to do nothing to facilitate such assemblies" Adam Smith
18th century Scottish philosopher.
I think most people hate bankers and politicians more than lawyers these days. Im not
so sure about public opinion regarding events like 9/11 and 7/7. I think most people still
suffer the cognitive dissonance as they find it hard to believe, and write people like
myself off as a nutter. I have my opinion, and unlike certain others Im aware of more
in the public eye so to speak, mine probably wont be swayed, as frankly I cant be
bought, and the evidence is overwhelming. If you want to know about what the
mainstream hid from you watch Loose Change. For a quicker insight watch exposing
the fraud of 9/11 in 22 minutes but the former option is recommended.
Please look into them if you are so inclined, but there is no way me talking about them
will have the same effect as you doing your own research. Me explaining them to you
is not part of this book, sorry. You dont have to believe what I say obviously, but if you
still believe the official lies, then I think you need to do some digging, and a little more
than just burying your head in the sand. Sorry, Im trying to be tactful, thats an attempt
at humour rather than a dig at you. . .
In this day and age with the technology around we could leave the systew behind and
move to a much better and fairer system, such as a direct democracy. One that is not
built on debt and suffering, but love and joy. Its just a matter of common sense. All we
need is some unity. Groups are rising up all over fighting on a variety of matters ranging

28

from genocide, and environmental and health issues, all the way down to trivial things
in comparison such as parking costs for instance. People care and have had enough
of something or other in one form or another, big or small. At the end of the day most if
not all of the issues can be fixed by everyone, whoever and wherever they are, joining
in a consolidated stand and saying enough is enough. Im not talking about protest by
the way, but rejection. We can see unrest the world over and Im not just talking about
war zones. People are protesting the world over. We all just need to join as one and
cut the head off the snake as it were in one fell swoop rather than fight the snake to get
it to change its ways, because it wont.
Youve got more chance of seeing a one-legged cat burying a turd on a frozen pond.
Willie Ross playing the part of Gus Siddon in the film Riff-Raff.
It may promise to do so but that promise will be as empty as their being is of conscience.
Then we need to elect a new party I hear you cry? It wont work and this is where the
farce of the cross party cabals comes in- the illusion of choice.
Meet the new boss- same as the old boss- The Who.
Before I start the autobiographical section I want to make a quick reference to the term
dreamtime, the Aboriginal name for heaven, for want of a better word, where past,
present and future occur at once, as well as being a pseudonym for DMT. I will talk
about my past briefly, before getting onto matters of the present. I know its not actually
the present as by the time you read it, it will be in the past but you know what I mean
right? I do this in an effort to make the future better. Its never set in stone, at least I
dont think it is, and whilst I like the future to be a surprise, if we dont start trying to
effect it by altering what we do now, or allow to happen now, then we dont really
deserve one. One thing I have learned that you may well think is the cosmic, far out
man thinking of hippies, but I assure you its not, is that thoughts make things- me
thinking of making this book has, albeit it eventually, made this book happen for one
obvious example. Please, lets dream ourselves a better time in the future by observing
the past and changing what we do in the present.

Something in the air

There's a rumour in the courtyard
A whisper in the air
Every day it builds
Like the suns triumphant glare
From east to west and pole to pole

It's happening everywhere

The age old eternal battle
Has shifted course once more
No longer fought in far off land
But here and now- right on your door
A revolution rises
Not armed with guns or knives
Peace, love and unity is all this army cries
You cannot fail to notice it
A case of wool and eyes.

30

Part One
Chapter One: The formative years
"Don't pretend that you know me, coz I don't even know myself"- The Who.
Congratulations for making it so far. I do hope you wont be disappointed by the rest.
Whilst an autobiography of sorts about nobody famous may not be filling you with
excitement, I do promise you that some fairly exciting things have happened to me and
I am the same as any celebrity, just as you are. Their shit does not smell of roses and
nor does mine. Besides, Im a lot older than many people who have written their
autobiographies, or two, and whilst I have led a sheltered life for the most part you
cannot fail to have seen a few things once you get to forty eh?
Okay then, without further ado here it comes. A little look at who I am, the things that
made me who I am, the things I've seen and the places I've been. Not all of it is relevant
as I've already stated, but the majority of this was written before my second awakening,
the one that started with an innocuous comment in an Alan Watts video that merely
said "Google WTC7." Initially I just wanted to help people who were in my boat so to
speak, but it's grown and developed much like I have done recently, so please excuse
me if anything seems irrelevant, random or out of place. In a way it just reflects what
I'm like, random that is, not irrelevant. For a very long time I did feel irrelevant and out
of place, almost as out of place as a shark in the Sahara, but no more. I couldn't be
more in situ if I was fixed to the floor with a ten tonne anchor; that's how in place I feel
these days. I want to show you how I got from one extreme to the other, so here it is,
told in the best way I see fit, by way of a short autobiography. I have kept it brief
honestly; suffering from social anxiety for so long Ive spent a long time not doing a lot
so its not going to be War and Peace is it?

Mark
Marc,Marcus
From the latin meaning" warlike".
Warlike? Never. He is a peaceful,
fun-loving free spirit, who is always
kind and considerate.
A defender of the
wronged.

A friend gave me a coaster with that written on it, hence the shape of the text above. I
thought I would keep it as it is. I think it sums me up pretty darn well. I haven't defended
many wronged so far in my life but I'm making up for that now or trying to at least. I am

definitely a free spirit and everyone loves fun right? Warlike? Never is spot on the
money; I despise war and violence. Kindness and consideration? Well, I can't really
judge myself on those, but I would hope that I am. I consider myself to be kind if you
like. . .
I often used to try and think back to my younger years to attempt to place the time when
I was first able to recall a memory. You know what I mean by that? You cant remember
being a baby for instance, so when did you start becoming able to remember anything
specific? Im not sure I even remember my first day of school. Sure, I have vague
recollections of sitting round on the carpet listening to stories and drinking milk but
theyre nothing solid. I remember a few things about those early school years like
getting my first migraine in the middle of the harvest festival. All the other children were
singing we sow the seeds and scatter and generally having a good time whilst I was
in complete and total agony thinking it was my head being scattered. The older you get
the fainter those memories become I suppose. That is the only migraine I have ever
had in my life, touch wood, though I have used it as an excuse for a sicky every now
and then for a day off work.
I wish I could remember things like seeing snow or the ocean for the first time, but I
cant. There are flashes or glimpses of stuff from the early days but youre never sure
if youre remembering the event or recalling looking at an old photo. Generally speaking
the overriding memory about my early childhood is freedom. The freedom of not having
a care in the world. The freedom of youth and play filling your soul and leaving no room
for worry or fear. I guess that feeling of freedom stayed with me until I was about eleven.
Im sure I will feel it again; I just dont know how long that will be before I do. Okay, I
feel free to an extent these days, but nobody is fully, truly free at the moment.
From what my mum has told me, I was more or less a little cherub, never fussing over
anything (other than vegetables) or throwing tantrums, I was just a chilled out kid; happy
as Larry as they say in my neck of the woods. I was always occupied, playing with
friends, or on my own. I had a pretty vivid imagination and could make a toy out of just
about anything. I dont remember ever being bored and I was always happy and
content. We moved about a fair bit due to my dads job. It was that constant moving
around as a youngster that made it hard to call any place home when asked where
are you from? in later years. I lived in the city of my birth for six months or so, thats
all, and a few other places before reaching Portsmouth at about four to five years old,
where the memories start.
I met Matthew when I was young, my first best mate in life. He was born the day after
me funnily enough and we were thick as thieves. We were practically inseparable most
of the time. His dad worked with my dad and the families have been friends since. My
mum thought he was a bit of a tear away, and possibly a bad influence, but we were
young and had a lot of fun. I haven't seen him for a few years now but we're still in
touch. I don't really remember too much of those days as I say, there are flashes of
stuff, being away on a boat, my favourite go-kart or first bike, being out in the woods
somewhere playing kick the can, or something as random as my favourite t-shirt; a

32

bright yellow one with stars and explosions all over it stating the rather obvious factHere comes trouble! Those early memories are not too important in the grand scheme
of things but Matt will appear again later when I tell you about the first time I got drunk.
Mums are wise see? It was all Matt's fault. . .
From those early years I do have a sort of semi-memory, where I know it happened but
don't really remember all the finer details, of having an extremely dangerous fever. My
temperature reached a ridiculous and deeply disturbing level, and I was in total delirium,
shouting "chocolate dripping from the walls, monkeys hanging from the ceiling"
repeatedly whilst writhing around like a drunk and demented snake. It was incredibly
strange. Even thinking of it now trying to recall any details is actually making me feel a
little nauseous. Not sure if it's linked in any way shape or form, but I've always loved
monkeys and climbing trees. If I ever have been a monkey then not all the skills passed
over as I've fallen out a couple. You got it, more on that later... I am what is known as
accident prone. I was always in the wars, I don't think there's a part of me I didn't cut or
scratch but I spent a lot of times up trees and in bushes playing hide and seek, soldiers,
or with bows and arrows, so that's always going to happen.
I almost chopped the top of my left thumb off with a carving knife once whilst trying to
open a packet of cheese. It was more or less just hanging on by the nail until I got it
stitched up. There's another nasty scar on the same hand where I jumped off a wall
and put my hand out to cushion the landing, straight onto an upturned sharp bit of flint,
which narrowly missed my wrist artery by an inch. I found out I had an allergic reaction
to tetanus jabs at an early age; lets put it like that. I have another slightly more bizarre
allergy towards rhubarb, but nothing else as far as I know. Thankfully I somehow
managed to avoid breaking anything until I was thirteen; a minor miracle in itself. I was
always outside whenever possible as a kid; we didn't have PlayStations, X boxes, or
even Segas or home computers at that stage. I can't quite remember how old I was
when we got a Commodore 64, I reckon about eight or nine, but it was never enough
of a distraction to keep me from being outside playing with friends. We moved about a
bit as I say and left Portsmouth for Somerset for a few years. All I really remember
about that place is another friend falling out a tree and putting his teeth through his
bottom lip and my dad putting the garden fork through his foot. Im good at remembering
accidents; I have no idea why.
I remember more of Dorset where I lived between about eight and ten years old. Again
I made a close friend, one I spent so much time with I even picked up his Scottish
accent. My mum still had hers of course as well but it was getting fainter all the time.
Hamish was his name, he had a massive family, six other brothers and just the one
sister, Dana. She was the oldest of the lot too, luckily for her I think. Hamish and I both
played football for a local youth team. I always loved football as a kid, right through my
teens, but stopped playing when I left school at sixteen. At my school I used to play all
the time but at college things were a bit different as I had discovered weed and girls by
then. Back in those early years I wasn't that great but I had a few moments of glory.

We beat Camberline B 15-0 once, I didn't score in that, but I scored the only goal when
we beat their A team to secure the league. I was in our own B team for a local five a
side tournament, and scored the winner, against our A team in the final. (Much like with
the girls I don't score that often, but when I do they're important.)
When I was ten we moved back to Pompey for my last year at primary school. I had
been there for the first and second years earlier but it was difficult to fully fit back in
again in for that one final year. Most people didn't even remember me I don't think.
Outside of school I was still into bows and arrows, and remember being chased round
the park by some kid's dad for hitting him in the leg with an arrow I'd made from
sharpening one of those thin green garden support poles. I had to hide up a tree for
what seemed like hours! The bows I made could generate a fair amount of power and
I could fire these arrows into tree trunks (I was young- I wouldnt do that now.) More
seriously still, someone else whose name escapes me took a steel tipped arrow in the
head. He had been standing behind a young sapling that had wooden supports either
side and someone else, not me this time, fired the arrow at him. A solid thunk was
heard as we saw the arrow bear off at an angle after hitting what we thought was one
of the support poles. Then the kid staggers out from behind the tree, screaming, claret
spurting everywhere, so we knew differently. Luckily we were only fifty yards or so from
my house and we got it seen to pretty quickly. He had a two inch long groove in the top
of his head about a centimetre deep and needed a few stitches but survived. I can't
remember where we got hold of it but we never saw that arrow ever again funnily
enough. In hindsight he was extremely lucky that it wasnt a few inches lower or it could
have been a whole different story altogether. I never got into any real or serious trouble
other than that though. I was what you would class as a good kid I'd say. I had a good
upbringing and I'm grateful to my parents for that.
At the end of the year I was to sit an entrance exam for a boarding school. I'd always
done well in school and used to bring home good and encouraging reports but I had
never actually sat any exams or been tested. It wasn't done in those days at that age.
I remember waiting for the results to come through, the first real instance of wondering
whether I would be accepted for anything. I passed, and was placed in the top form out
of six classes. That's where the real story starts, the formative years if you like.
Arrival was strange. I had seen the brochure obviously, but it didn't really convey the
size of this place. I was placed in a house with my friend Noel that I knew from Pompey.
Ralf and James, two brothers from the area were also at the school but in a different
House. Pete, another kid I knew had already been there for a year; he took great delight
in bullying us whenever he saw us at breaks. I already knew a few people so it made it
easier to settle in. I guess that's why I never cried like most of the other kids in that first
few weeks. That and I still saw it as a great adventure, new friends to make and places
to explore and all that. I never got home sick once, it didn't cross my mind. A lot of
things did come as a shock though.
The first two and a half years were great. Honestly, I loved every minute, or most of
them at least. The older boys used to bully the crap out of us, but that was just the way

34

of things. In those days, in that year, you just put up with it, took the punches, made
them drinks, got out their chairs when they wanted it, and hardly ever got to play pool
or snooker. You were a first year, a pleb, that was your lot, your place in the hierarchy.
You cleaned their shoes, took the wedgies, the apple-pied beds and the dead arms
and legs, and you never grassed- ever. It just wasn't done. Some received the bullying
worse than others. I was pretty well liked so didn't get it too bad at all in comparison.
We were the last year that ever really got it bad though, things changed for the better;
bullying wasn't tolerated after that due to a massive crackdown. The younger years had
no compulsion in grassing it seemed. I never wanted to punch the crap out of anyone
just because I could, and I liked making my own tea or toast so it never bothered me. I
was glad to see it. People say their mum makes the best cup of tea but my mum says
I make the best cup of tea so there you have it. Okay, so I was guilty of moving a junior
out a prime seat for the Saturday night films but that was as far as it went with me. Age
has to have some privileges right?
I was happy though, enjoying all the sport and doing well in classes. We had three
compulsory games sessions a week, two weekdays and Saturdays, but were always
down the fields in every spare moment between classes and prep, after prep if light
enough and most of the time on Sundays too. We were only allowed the television for
about an hour a day apart from weekends; a blessing in disguise really. Football in
winter, or cricket in the summer, every day for hours on end basically, getting lots of
fresh air and exercise. We had inter house leagues and knockout competitions in all
major sports down the fields as well as an annual five a side comp in the gym. I
remember coming off the indoor pitch after our defeat in the opening years tournament.
One of the sixth formers in our house who was watching us told me "well played, you
were the only one with any clue out there." I beamed inwardly, and thanked my years
playing footy with Hamish in Weymouth.
In the classroom we were placed in each subject individually as well as an overall form
position. I was particularly strong in Maths, English, History and French early on.
Finishing in the top four in those subjects consistently and first every now and then in
all but Maths. There was a genius in my class from Dudley called Sandy that made
that made achieving that feat almost impossible. Overall, I would be between fourth
and eighth in those first couple of years, but one term I was placed equal second. My
reports were always good. "Mark fits in well with his peers, makes an effort in classes
and in the house, plays for the house football and cricket teams etc. I was making good
friends; the kinds of friendships that you think will last forever, forged through being in
each others company for so long, sharing secrets, laughs, passions and dreams, and
apparently I wasnt too dumb by all accounts.
Our dorm slept all thirty plus people from three years in one long room when I was in
the junior half for the first two years. Our beds were three to four feet apart, depending
on who was next to you. That was our personal space, all we had. I remember once
when a particularly nasty stomach bug went round there were fifteen to twenty kids in

there at any one time blowing chunks. The stink was something to behold. I say I was
only on the junior half of the house for two of those first three years, as at the start of
my third year, one of the other houses had been converted into an upper VIth form only
house, so five of us in our house were picked to go over to the senior side early to fill
some of the space left by the departure of the older boys. They picked the three most
"responsible" of us. Me, Noel, and Smudge who were all in the same class, were joined
by two new kids, Trev and Alan, who had just started in that third year. That was when
things went downhill, but it wasnt because of the new kids.
The first term had been alright I suppose. It was a bit shit in most regards; more older
people to make tea for again when we would have been lords of the manor on the junior
half, but we had a few benefits too, later bedtime and a bit more space between the
beds. Rough with the smooth territory you know? That term stretched into winter and
we saw the great storm of 1987. For me this was my first real experience of the power
of nature and I loved it. Not only did it get us sent home for a brief time, after a spell
with no electricity and just candlelight to go by; which in itself was great, but we had
such a laugh before that happened. Outside we would put on our macs without doing
up the buttons, put our hands in the pockets and jump out from the sheltered side of
the building into the force ten gale that was blowing a hooley whilst "spreading our
wings" to get hurtled backwards with incredible speed and force onto tarmac, giggling
inanely. Massive trees fell in the forest, so we would climb up through the branches to
the topside of the felled trees and just let go, falling gently like a feather on the breeze,
down through the foliage to rest harmlessly on the earth. It was awesome fun. Are you
starting to see why I class myself as accident prone now? The more of those situations
you put yourself in the more accidents you are going to have, it's a simple equation.
It was also in my third year I broke my first bone, my left wrist and it wasnt linked to the
storm surprisingly. A group of us were wrestling in the "quiet room" on the junior half.
The five of us who had been moved over still came back across a lot of the time during
the day. Trev had taken the "top rope" and jumped down onto me from a table top whilst
I was laying prostate on the floor. My left hand was elevated and that took Trevs weight
pretty much full on, and he was a big lad. I sat out the rest of the games after that... It
was only at night when trying to take off my shirt I sussed something was really wrong.
A trip to the matrons office was followed subsequently by a trip into the local hospital
for plaster.
I think my next major accident I had was in my fourth year, but it could have been my
third so I'll mention it here along with the others. This one happened just before morning
chapel. We were boosting each other out of the chairs in the common room for a
laugh. Someone would sit in a big old fashioned high backed chair and pull their knees
into their chest. The other participant would sit on their feet whilst holding the side of
the chair for balance before being launched across the room. On my go the angles
didn't quite work out and I span backwards, the base of my head striking something
very solid particularly hard. I'm not sure how long I was out for, and I had to be
shepherded through chapel as I was still a bit groggy. For any kids reading this, if
anyone has a bad head injury you should seek immediate medical help okay? Don't try

36

and brush it off for fear of getting punished like we did. Chapel was a blur; Smudge and
Noel were in my class so they helped me along to History afterwards, our first class of
the day. I sat down near the back, not really sure what was going on. Some time passed
before I was hustled up to the front of the class with Smudge, Noel and our project on
Hippocrates, to read something out to the class. This was where our brilliant ploy of
trying to get out of trouble came unstuck as I had simply forgotten how to read. I didn't
even know who I was when the teacher started to ask questions. I stood there gawping,
a puzzled look on my face I suppose. I spent the next three or four days in the infirmary
with concussion and amnesia, my memory gradually returning in fits and spurts before
I was considered well enough to return to school.
The senior half was split into two sections. One half of it open like the junior side, and
then a few cubicles for the lower sixth and a pig pen for most of the 5th years at the
end in the other partitioned half. In the open half were the 4th years, a few unlucky fifth
years and the five thirteen year old third years. There were two lower VIth in desk/bunk
combos at the remaining end of the dorm to retain control. Beatings, pillow fights, and
japery of all sorts and conversation went on until they came in for bed. Then it was on
with the Walkman for a bit before sleep. I think in that year I was busy listening to The
Cure, U2 and New Order if I wasn't listening to the audio only from The Breakfast Club.
I loved that film so much I just taped the sound to listen to whilst at school, I would still
probably know all the lines if I were to watch it now I reckon. One night I had it on,
everyone had been quiet for ages and no one was stirring. I was lost in my own little
world of teenage rebellion when someone sat on my bed and whispered shusshh as
they put a finger over my mouth. I froze, stopped the tape and took my headphones off.
Squat started talking quietly, about what I haven't a clue now. I was just wondering...
why has this asshole (he was in general before this anyway) come to talk to me at this
hour, he likes me less than I like him, he must do, constantly punching me and shit,
what the fuck does he want?
I think he asked what I was listening to amongst the small talk, not sure, then he asked
if I had a girlfriend at home. Yes. Have I ever kissed a girl? Yes... Has one ever touched
your willy? I did not like the way this was heading No, not yet. At that stage I'd only
ever kissed Natalie or Helen, two sisters who Pete and I "dated", both of, not at the
same time of course, we swapped. I'm no longer sure what the term is for dating when
you're thirteen.
By this stage Squat had started to lift the edges of my quilt and I just froze in fear and
panic. He said "don't worry- its okay, but no one else can know. If you say anything
you're dead." or something along those lines. I've blocked out the next ten or so
minutes. They were the longest of my life so I try not to go there. All I know is that not
a word more was spoken, he stared at me with an empty glare, and twisted smile as I
lay there shaking, wanting to die. I don't know why I didn't just shout out, wake someone
up, or just punch him in the face. It just didn't seem that I could, I don't know what held
me back but I'm ashamed to say I just lay there and did nothing, frozen in fear. When

it was done, he left saying nothing, just putting his finger to his mouth in another
shuussh, leaving me to sob quietly and helplessly, not being able to sleep, or shut it out
of my mind. I got up after what seemed like hours to go and wash my face and get
some air. I stood in the shower room, freezing, for an age, not wanting to go back in to
the dorm but eventually I had to or I would have collapsed. Sleep washed over me at
some point but it wasn't long before I was woken with the shout of showers! Thats
usually the prompt to get up, but I drifted off again straight away, only vaguely aware
I'd heard the call. It was the next shout of "going cold" which forced me to get up and
jump in a brief cold shower a few minutes later. The teacher would always come back
in and yell this to get the tardy ones up and out of their beds. I kept my head down,
tried not to look around. I mean I usually did anyway, in an open shower with 20-30
other boys you know? But this was different, I didn't want to catch anybody's eye,
especially his.
After showers you had to do your chore, be it sweeping or dusting, or whatever, then
get ready for breakfast. After breakfast there was a little time before chapel and classes.
I didn't go into the common room, but hung out in the boot locker for a bit, avoiding
people. The school day passed, and I can't remember a thing from those classes apart
from I nearly fell asleep in Physics. I generally found that boring anyway but I was
shattered. The rest of the day back at the house and first prep (homework) passed. Tea
followed, then back in the house for second prep. I had managed to avoid him all day,
but when that ended, and everyone dispersed, he grabbed me and took me over to a
quiet corner. He asked me whether I liked it, to which I said no, of course not. He said
okay then, he wouldn't do it again, and reiterated that if I told anyone he'd make my life
living hell. I told him that of course I wouldn't tell anyone, did he think I wanted people
knowing? He glared at me and trooped off. He left me alone after that, in the dorm, and
everywhere else. Small mercies.
It just happened once, but once is enough to fuck you up, or was enough to fuck me up
anyway. He was only a year older than me, didn't know any better I suppose. I forgive
him; it's all water under the bridge and all that. It affected me a lot over the coming
years, but no more, not for ages now. I haven't thought about it for a long time until
now, and I'm impassive as I write. It's stirring no emotion in me so I know I'm cool with
him and it. I havent just forgiven him because carrying anger or hatred is bad. I truly
appreciate the joy that I feel now is made all the better by whats gone before. Sorry if
I've said that before, I'm just stressing it as it's important. I have never been in a happier
frame of mind then I am now. I don't know if perhaps I would have been happier if it
hadn't happened. I can't possibly know what route my life would have taken, so I don't
really dwell on that anymore. I used to, a lot, and for a long time. I might never have
awoken if it hadn't happened so I count the blessings there and move on now.
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone
else; you are the one who gets burned. -Buddha.
From that following morning however I became the most self-conscious person you'd
ever care to meet, constantly worried that people would find out, eternally paranoid

38

what people were talking about- whether they knew, and this was a couple of years
before I tried the "paranoia inducing" cannabis. I started smoking cigarettes soon after
though. Maybe it was because I felt I had to fit in again. Although my friends still
probably saw me as the same, I felt entirely different. Maybe it was just for something
to do you know? It was fun, sneaking around to do it. There were fines for the first two
times you got caught, a letter home for the third, suspension for fourth, strike three for
the fifth and you're out of there! They never caught me at all; not once. It's something I
was proud of; still am I suppose.
I found it harder to concentrate on things at school from then on, my marks dropped
and the reports were a lot less glowing, and started to carry remarks such as "Mark is
too easily influenced by his peers" or "has become quieter- a little withdrawn" stuff like
that you know. I think it was late in my fourth year when a few of us thought it would be
a good idea to sniff aerosols. My first experience of altered consciousness if you like,
they made you giggle and were a good escape, but I dread to think how many brain
cells I killed. Don't do it kids! We stopped with the aerosols and thinners in the fifth year
as we had poppers (amyl nitrate) and cannabis by then. I didn't like the poppers, they
just gave you a headache, and they got my mate Gary expelled, (he was caught doing
it one time in a maths class and they actually dragged him out of an exam later to expel
him) but in cannabis I found an instant friend.
There are differing forms and effects of social anxiety. I've done a little bit of research
in the couple of months after finding out I had it, and smoking the changa. Many people
can't actually go out at all, or sweat profusely when in the spotlight according to the
online sources. My problem didn't initially manifest physically in any way, it was purely
in my head. I could no longer relax, I was constantly worried about how I was perceived
and always thinking about something to say, if I said this, how would it make me
appear? If I said that, would I be portrayed any differently to the other alternatives? It
was like I was playing a game of chess in my head, thinking three or four steps ahead,
and it's incessant. Of course if you're doing this you're no longer really paying attention
to what anyone else is saying, and you end up not partaking in the conversations or
concentrating in class. With cannabis I just chilled out, the brain slowed to a reasonable
pace and everything was easier. I'm sure it may make some people paranoid, if they
get really high, or just not used to it or smoke too much of it in one go. According to
popular myth extended use may well make you "wig out" but that is just a myth; it has
never been proven. For me, there and then, it was bliss. I could relax, chill out and
giggle, put two fingers up to my problems and just let go. We only had it a few times at
school, discovering it a bit too late. Before that we'd tried smoking dried banana skins
and nutmeg, all the usual suspects. In the early years while this was going on, it didnt
really cause much anxiety as such, probably because I was still so young, but it did
cause its own share of problems.
Apart from its benefits as a calming agent, and for pain relief, cannabis also has far
greater medicinal properties and should for that reason alone be legal everywhere.

Plus, in a supposedly free society everyone should have the right to ingest whatever
they want into their own body, and be free to explore their own consciousness in any
way they want, provided they cause no harm to others. I'm sure your opinion of
marijuana is misguided; it's not as bad as you think. I've smoked it most of my adult life
and had to conceal it from people for fear of being judged. That's the only worry and
paranoia I've ever had regarding it. I even used to worry about what the staff in the
newsagents would think so never bought cigarettes and papers at the same time before
making the switch to tobacco. . .
Most peoples attitude towards cannabis is already changing granted but a lot still see
it as an evil drug, a gateway to other more serious ones. That is a myth, as there is no
test that can determine this is there? Alcohol, the legal drug, has killed countless
number of people. As far as I know there is not a single death attributed to cannabis.
Apart from health reasons, there is also the social side of things to consider. Alcohol
can turn you into an asshole, it's as simple as that. Theres plenty of personal evidence
later on to confirm this statement trust me! A question I always put to people when
arguing the alcohol versus cannabis scenario is "If alone walking late at night through
a park, would you rather cross a group of stoned or drunk youths?" Its simple really; a
no brainer. I will look at cannabis in more detail later as it doesnt really fit here and I
dont want to repeat myself too much later on.
Of course, once you know that you're acting differently to what you were before, you
start to analyse stuff to try and work out if you're weird, or exactly how weird you are.
I'm not talking about when stoned here; I'm talking the self-analysis, the worry, the stuff
that was going on when I was in the day to day world of school and not in those
wonderful moments of escapism and relief. Rachel, my last relationship failure, said I
over think stuff, but she doesn't know the half of it. When we split up, a few years ago
now, I didn't even know of this disorder remember. At that time I did just think I was
weird. It got a lot messier than it ever should have done, and we don't talk anymore.
Every time I tried to try and explain shit I'd end up making it worse. Have you ever tried
explaining something that you don't know about? Not easy I can tell you! Anyway, I will
talk about that in more detail later the same as cannabis, but it's not schooldays.
You think the anxiety and worry will leave you, maybe not tomorrow, or next week, but
eventually you think you're going to be okay. You have to think that, I mean the
alternative isn't great. You think that you'll become less anxious, the introvert will
gradually wane and your confidence grow. It's always tomorrow though- it never gets
there, thats when you know you have a real problem. Twenty five years on, and I was
still hoping. It galls me to think that the powers that be stopped research into medicinal
psychedelic research for so long. My cure really was instantaneous, and lasting. This
is one of the main reasons and certainly the initial reason for wanting to write this. I
understood that I was not alone, that other people felt and suffered like I did, and there
was no need. I had to help them, its as simple as that.
I lost my way back then; school didn't matter to me anymore. Sport was a good release,
my mind got involved in something else even if it's just a ball, but you can't be down the

40

sports fields all day long. At other times though you're acting, or it feels like you are.
That's the best way I can describe it, all a big long performance. You even think about
how you're going to smile, fake laughs join genuine ones until you don't know right from
left or up from down anymore. I'm pretty confident I would be a great actor as a result.
In my second year I had taken part in the Dracula Spectacular, and played the part of
Young Elvis in the school play. There were three performances. One for each side of
the school, junior and senior, and one for the public, and I loved every minute of them.
I didn't have many lines, but delivered them with gusto, and a pretty good Elvis accent
to boot; you know what I meeannnnnn? After the show for the public, the last night of
the three shows, we had a post play reception with wine, beer, squash, tea and biscuits;
all the usual suspects- yet again. (Sorry, I should probably stop using that phrase.)
I was keeping myself to myself in a corner somewhere when a man in robes
approached me grinning wildly and laughing- "You Know what I mean?" he enquired.
"Not really mate, no." I replied and walked off. It had been my catchphrase, except I did
it with a twist of the hips, swirling on my toes and bringing the knees in tight like the
freakin timewarp His was just absolutely crap in comparison, no effort at all. If he
had made one I might well have humoured him but nope, he got the best cold shoulder
that I could muster Yeah, I later found out that he was the Mayor of a nearby village.
That was sadly the only time I partook in drama, I became far too self-conscious to
perform in front of a crowd in following years; it was nothing to do with offending a local
dignitary.
As well as having natural acting ability borne out of years of practice, I can generally
build a pretty accurate picture of what someone is like upon meeting them very quickly
too. I spent years studying people, trying to imitate their actions, trying to fit in so that's
another skill I've picked up as a result. I think it helped with the poker later on in life.
Though I mostly played online, you still build up an instinct for how a player behaves in
certain situations. Maybe this is why I got pretty good at poker quite quickly who knows?
Im confident my first impressions of people are usually spot on, but I'm not stubborn
enough to admit when wrong and change my opinion on the odd occasion if necessary.
A leopard can't indeed change its spots but people can and do change so you have to
adjust in accordance, go with the flow.
I'm going to skip forward to the fifth year now. Not a lot else really happened through
the remainder of the third and fourth year, apart from drifting through classes, playing
sport or smoking fags or getting high on aerosols. I became a lot happier in my fifth
year as Squat had left the school. For sure, now I have forgiven him, but back then I
was filled with hatred. He was gone so naturally I felt better. We now had our own study
room, and whilst this might not sound earth shattering, when you've had four years of
not really having a space to call your own, then it is a big deal. Our study was cool, we
each had a section of wall to decorate with whomever our particular idol of the time
was, and we had a stereo and a toaster; our very own toaster! Again, this might not
sound a lot but to a few of us who used to swipe bread, flop and gunge (butter and jam)

from the dining halls, it was a source of income. We used to flog toast to the rest of the
house at 5p a slice or something. The school had gotten rid of the current local caterers
who used to actually feed us and replaced them with contractors- "The quantity of the
food will decrease but the quality will improve" we were told. Well, the quality as well
as the quantity went down. It was the first instance of how cost reduction affected me I
suppose when I think about it. Whilst I suffered a little in lack of proper nourishment,
my pockets swelled as kids were hungry. We spent our ill-gotten gains on tuck and fags
of course. See, you can make the most of a bad situation if you try. We weren't really
stealing, thats what I told myself. They said we could have as much bread and jam as
we wanted- we just took it back to the house with us.
The stereo was now filled with the sounds of De La Soul, The Stone Roses,
Technotronic, 808 State, The Beloved, New Beat and various other acid house tunes
as opposed to New Model Army and The Cure, and other goth, punk or alternative stuff
that I had been listening to in my third and fourth years. I wore cravats and things like
that back then whilst others were in stay press and wore bright yellow or pink cardigans
as opposed to my black wooly holey one, it was a stage.... Those clothes were replaced
by flared jeans that covered the kickers or pasties on the feet. Hooded raving tops
completed the look, some of them were very garish I can tell you. Although we dressed
the part there were obviously no parties we could attend. They would come later on for
me, after leaving the school. We did used to get booze from the city during that last
year and sneak down into the study to get drunk. I remember drinking too much Martini
once and puking over the assistant housemaster's car in the yard. Never touched that
vile stuff again since. Martini I mean, not alcohol itself, though I drink very rarely these
days. That reminds me; I've gone past, chronologically speaking anyway, the first time
I got drunk. That would have happened in my fourth year whilst I was fourteen, I may
as well tell that now.
Matthew had returned from a stint in the States where his dads job had taken them.
My dad had been recently promoted and there was a birthday to celebrate also I'm
sure. Good cause for a party anyway. My bedroom window was directly overhead the
little porch we had between the lounge and the back door. The porch was about three
feet wide by six feet long, and used to hang coats in generally. On this occasion it also
housed the cold box full of beer. Matt or I would go downstairs, grab a few cans from
the box and throw them up to the other, over the porch roof and through my bedroom
window where it would be gleefully caught and placed in the chest of drawers with the
previous haul. We sat, talked and drank beer. We hadn't seen each other in years so
had loads to catch up on. I didn't tell him about what had happened at school though. I
kept all that to myself until I was getting serious with Katie many years down the line;
my girlfriend who I would end up marrying. She was the first person I ever told. I can't
remember how much beer Matt and I drank that night. I just know it was enough to
make me very ill. My dad commented on how beer had magically re-appeared in the
cool box the next day. If I had been on the ball I would have probably said something
like don't knock it, maybe it's a miracle but I was sadly jaded and just grunted, grabbed
some juice and went back upstairs to a dark room.

42

Whilst on another break from school back in the fifth year, Gary, my mate who was later
expelled and another mate Martin got drunk on spirits for the first time, polishing off a
litre of scotch between us down by Guildhall Square. We had to call Martin's dad to
come and pick us up as we were taken unawares as it were. I'm not certain how far we
got in the car before I was winding down the window and hurling over the car door,
sorry sir, really I am, I hope it didn't damage the paintwork... Much of the time at school
was spent larking around; I never took my studies seriously and didn't revise for any of
my exams. I still managed to get eight G.C.S.E.s, two A's, three B's and three C's. Not
bad really all things considered. I did spend a lot of time trying to improve my English
coursework however in the latter half of the year. I knew what I was getting more or
less in a 100% coursework orientated subject and wanted to upgrade to As. I failed but
I was right on the cusp, literally one percent away. Still, I enjoyed the creative writing
aspect tremendously so was happy to do it. I found another method of escape. The
study of other books was not quite as interesting to me, but still good. I enjoyed
Shakespeare and we read Brave New World; my first introduction to Aldous Huxley. I
would be much more interested in the next book of his that I read over twenty years
later- The Doors of Perception.
The A's I managed to obtain came in Maths and C.D.T. (craft, design & technology).
That one was a huge surprise. I built an ergonomic chair, one that was meant to help
posture, with the two cushions; one for your bum and one your knees. If you've seen
the Aussie film The Castle you'll know what I mean, the ercogenomic ones, or
whatever it is one of the sons calls them. They were fitted on adjustable poles in a sort
of mountaineering karabiner shape and adjustable at the cushions for tilt too. The chair
itself worked well, but was somewhat different from the original plan and
measurements I had drawn up by the time I finished, so I did what any self-respecting
cheat would do, and redid all my technical drawings to fit the measurements of the
finished chair. It worked; I got away with it and somehow pulled an A grade out the bag.
I sold that chair to my assistant house master whose car I parked the technicolour yawn
on previously, as I couldn't fit it in the coach on the way home. Think he paid me 20
or something like that, not sure now. I was happy anyway; I like to slouch, so it was no
good for me.
It was in my fifth year that I went skiing for the first time, a school trip to Montegenevre,
a small resort near Briancon in France, right on the Italian border and forming part of
the Milky Way ski area. We had some dry ski lessons before we went, about ten I think
so were well prepared by the time we got there. This turned out to be especially
important for me, as I left my passport in my locker at school so ended up missing the
first two days of the trip, dickhead that I was. It was on getting to the ferry port in Dover
that this was discovered. I got off the coach, disconsolate, thinking I'd miss the entire
trip and cursing my stupidity. I had triple checked everything, toothbrush, goggles,
gloves etc. but left the most important thing. A few quick phone calls from the
accompanying teachers uncovered a possible solution.

There was a school travelling to a nearby destination from London the next day and I
could hitch a ride with them if I could sort out a temporary emergency passport. I hopped
on the train up to London to get another train down to Portsmouth to meet with my
somewhat angry dad. I fell asleep on the train only to be woken at Southampton. A
bomb threat had closed the line between the two cities, and we would be provided with
a coach to Portsmouth and a taxi home from the bus depot. By the time I got in, it was
the early hours of the morning. Following a brief chastising from my dad, I climbed into
bed for a few hours before the early rise and drive to London to sort out an emergency
passport and meet up with the other school. It was all a bit of a tight squeeze but we
made it. I waved goodbye to my dad and got on the coach. I found a seat next to the
soft drinks, sweets and crisps and kept my head down most of the way. I was picked
up from their resort and taken to mine; it was only twenty or so minutes away. It was
the end of their second day there by the time I got there. I was greeted with cheers and
mockery, but it was nice to finally arrive. Much to my chagrin though, I found out that
drinking alcohol had been banned as Dan had got pissed and fallen off a roof. The
teachers had been willing to turn a blind eye previously it seemed. Oh well, we weren't
averse to doing things not allowed so no big issue really. It just meant we couldnt drink
in our lodgings. The snow was fantastic, and I literally threw myself into trying to catch
up with everybody else. I fell over a lot in the first day as everyone had gotten off the
nursery slopes by then. I didn't care, it doesn't hurt when there's bountiful snow. By the
end of that first day I had caught up, by the end of the week, dare I say, I was probably
the best skier there, aside from the teachers.
The whole trip was fantastic. I'd been to the mountains a lot previously with my dad,
who is a keen mountaineer and walker, to walk, climb and abseil, in Scotland, Wales,
and The Lake District. This was the first time I had the benefits of the fresh air and great
scenery, allied with the means to descend from these heights with great speed. A skiing
holiday beats a week on the beach hands down for me every time. I remember the last
day of the trip the best. We had met up with a few girls from another school, and Dan,
Mick, Noel and I were doing the runs with some of these over in Claviere in Italy. I only
remember Sue of the girls as she would figure heavily for me at the disco that night and
on the coach home to Blighty. Dan broke his leg on that last day, always better to do it
then if it has to happen I suppose. I broke my shoulder on the first day of a two week
trip once, and it's devastating, especially when you've gone all the way to Whistler.
Back in Claviere though, whilst Dan was getting his leg sorted Sue, Mick and myself
were shooting back up the ski left for one last illicit run, as we had found an awesome
jump at the bottom of the hill, completely by accident on the previous run down. It wasn't
exactly clear; there was no ramp of any sort, just a massive, steep drop off. The first
time we hit it ended in disaster; all of us crashed spectacularly and lay giggling in a
heap on the snow. We quickly decided we had to go again, even if it meant getting into
a little trouble as we had been told to wind it up for the day, and indeed for the whole
holiday itself. We had to have another run- last orders and all that so stuck the
metaphorical fingers up at the teachers and up we went. What were they going to do?
We had a last swift descent and made sure to take the same last section to hit that

44

jump again. Eddie the Eagle Edwards would have been proud of my effort the second
time round. I couldn't control the landing, crashing in style once again, but I did fly like
a bird, albeit it temporarily.
We had a disco that evening after certificates and wotnot had been given out. The flared
jeans and purple hoody got an airing with my brown kickers, and I serenaded Sue most
of the evening. Another thing I'm gutted I've lost is a photo taken of us sat down next to
each other, our heads leaning into each others, not for a kiss but looking at the
camera... Wet hair and red, sweaty faces from all the dancing, but huge beaming
smiles. I say I've lost that photo, but I can still remember it vividly so it's not really lost I
suppose. It was one of the happiest nights for me that Id had in a long, long time so I'll
always remember it. We stayed awake all through the night on the coach home, whilst
others snored around us, just talking, with the occasional break for a kiss. Okay maybe
it was more the other way round, snogging for hours, stopping for air and a chat every
now and then. Farewells were difficult at parting but we wrote for several months before
it tailed off, as these things do. I split up with my girlfriend in Portsmouth at the time,
Leanne, because of me believing I was in love with Sue. That was probably the daftest
thing I ever did. I never saw Sue again, as she lived far away, and Leanne, well, quite
a few years later on, I saw her on some obscure late night television show featuring her
being interviewed about her job as an erotic dancer. Okay, possibly not the ideal career
for a partner if you're my age now, but at twenty-something, well, you know. . .
When the GCSE exams were over, and we were wrapping up the year, we would get
our pillowcases signed by each other as memorial goodbyes. My mum would later find
mine in my room at home, and interrogated me on what things like "keep up the B's
and the V's" meant. I think it was the first time she suspected me of doing drugs. When
I think about things I no longer own but wish I did, that pillow case is right up there. I'm
"friends" with a few old school buddies on Facebook, but that's all. I haven't seen any
of them in years and I miss them. Boarding school would soon be a distant memory. I
didn't sign up for old boys and I've never been back there. It's now co-educational, that
happened the year after I left, just my luck. . . My parents wanted me to stay on for the
sixth year, but there was no way in hell that was happening. The majority of my mates
were leaving, and it held a lot of bad memories for me as well as many good ones. I
was off to pastures new to do my A-levels at a local college. If I had stayed on at school
I'm sure I would have passed more than I did by leaving. After boarding school, college
was a breeze. Self-discipline was required as opposed to it being forced on you, and
well, I didn't have any.

Chapter Two: Free again- sort of.

Teenage years are hard to beat- The Undertones.

I started off taking Maths, Economics and English Literature at A-level. It wasn't long
before I swapped the Maths for Communication Studies. GCSE maths I never had any
problems with. A Level maths I just couldn't get my head around. I had to concentrate,
and couldn't. My mind wandered everywhere still, so I stuck it out for about a month
before giving in and taking the easier option. Economics was just as tough, we had a
decent teacher, who also coached the college cricket team I played in, but I still
struggled. I ended up getting a U in that, and didn't even take the Communication
Studies exam. The only subject I took any interest in was English Literature and that I
only just passed by the skin of my teeth. It was where I met Bob though, and he's still
a friend today, twenty something years later. There was just Bob, Matt and me as the
only boys in a class of twenty or so girls, some of which were the hottest in the collegehappy Days. Our teacher, Miss Jackson, was also awesome; mad as a box of frogs
with a wicked laugh. One afternoon the conversation had drifted from Joseph Heller to
the topic of flirting. It usually did veer off to girly talk, always interesting and informative
for a teenage bloke. On this occasion however, Miss Jackson asked me how I flirted
with girls, then explained that she flirted with boys by staring at them, just as she was
doing with me now... whilst she fixed me in her stare for ages, a wicked smile eventually
taking the edge of the glare. I had never been so embarrassed. I swear you could have
fried eggs on my cheeks. Bright pink doesn't cover it, I was more of a crimson red. Of
course all the class was in stitches and eventually I managed to suppress the
embarrassment and join in. I always sort of fancied her after that.
Out of the classroom, I'd spend my time with Jim from my tutor group, and Lynne and
Clara, two great lasses, both of whom I loved at one stage, but only one physically, that
was Lynne to whom I lost my virginity at seventeen. She always liked Jim more than
me though and it never blossomed. I always liked Clara more- I just never told her. One
of those situations where we got on so well as friends that I didnt want to risk anything:
Im sure youve had one?
Jim always used to get hold of decent blow; everyone still smoked solids in those days
generally in England, weed didn't really appear for a long time. Jim usually got
awesome red seal squidgy, and on occasion, amazing gold seal. One afternoon at his
house, when it was some sort of function day at college we couldn't be bothered to
attend, I had my fist whitey on blow. We smoked a truckload of top quality stuff and I
wasn't used to it in that amount. The visuals on the Jimi Hendrix video made my head
spin and I was yakking up for the first time, but not the last, on cannabis. On Many
occasions we would smoke at college on breaks, out on the fields, or up by the lake.
Good times had by all, with countless uncontrollable giggle fits. It can be overdone
though, just like alcohol.

46

I found out I didn't have to go to classes if I didn't want to, they would buy any excuse,
not like at school where the regime was so strict. I didn't go to too many classes as a
result. In the second year I actually took a whole term off, using some excuse I forget
now. I didn't have any inclination to study. I had found a way to say "Fuck you, I won't
do what you tell me", to the system, and it felt good... Living life, for the first time in
years, became my priority to the detriment of my education. I'm not going to go into
gory details about my sexual exploits at college. Apart from Lynne I only went out with
a girl called Sade, who was also very nice. I don't want to embarrass them by talking
about it. I didn't really get any pulses racing. Whenever the chance did arise for a bit of
nookie it was over pretty quickly. Initially I just thought that happened to all boys so
didn't worry, nerves and all that, but later on when I got it a bit more regularly when
married, I began to worry about my problems in that department more seriously.
Lynne's dad captained a cricket team who played in a local league, and I started playing
for them on Saturdays. I had only really gotten into cricket in my fourth year at school,
but in the 5th year I was down the nets every evening in the summer. Now I was playing
league cricket with adults at the weekend, and also for the college team in the week.
We had a great college team, with three excellent players, and a few other decent
players too including me in that second bracket. We beat the Grammar school by nine
wickets once, and they were meant to be le crme de le crme. I had found something
else I was pretty good at it seemed. I had played hockey for the first XI whilst in my fifth
year at school, but there weren't many sixth years that played hockey to stand in the
way. I never managed to play cricket or football for a school team, but was always a
regular in the house teams. I was a bowler who could handle a bat, and could generally
put the ball where I wanted to five times out of six, swinging it away or nipping it off the
seam at a fast medium pace. Cricket became a love for me though, a passion, not just
because I was good at it, but it truly is a wonderful sport, a bit like Marmite though by
all accounts. . .
Through Bob I met Luca, another friend still today. His sister Sharon dated Graham,
and it was round his house we spent a lot of time in the college days, and a few following
years. Graham supplied our cannabis as well as being a mate. As a group, Bob, Luca,
the three Andy's, and I were known as "The Younguns" as most people were in
Graham and Sharon's age group. Many people frequented that small flat and on
occasion there could be fifteen to twenty people crowded in that lounge- making tea
was an absolute bitch. Everyone was lovely and it's where I met many friends over the
years, and it was with these mates I started going raving and taking my first ecstasy.
Everyone says cannabis will lead to stronger drugs, and to an extent they are right, I
mean here is classic evidence in the flesh, but I know plenty of people who took ecstasy
and never touched weed. . . I can also prettily confidently say that if I had tried weed
and not like it and stopped then I would still have gone raving and taken ecstasy. I have
never tried, nor ever wanted to try Heroin, Crack or Meth either. I've done Cocaine on
a few occasions but don't see the attraction personally. All it does is turn you into an

overconfident loudmouth, and makes the beer ineffective. Why would I want to pay 50
for that when an E cost a tenner in those days? What I'm trying to illustrate here is that
it's a form of brainwashing that has been applied to make you think all drugs are bad,
and that if you start on one, you'll end up on the worst, and thats just plain bullshit. Out
of all the people I know who smoke or have smoked cannabis, and there are loads,
only one has gone onto take Heroin. The majority of us have a modicum of sense.
Apply the situation to your life, and you could say it was milk that got you onto White
Russians, you know what I mean?
When we weren't at Grahams we were generally round at Tims house. His parents
were in Newcastle long term, and he had the place to himself. Alongside us younguns,
it was generally frequented by Blagger and Lance (The Crap Pack, as they were an
amazing DJ/MC combination in the guise of the popular Rat Pack of that era- hrmph!)
Pete- another guy who went to my school, and Keith, who together formed the Cosham
Crew. The amount of cannabis that got smoked in that house over a year or two period,
is beyond estimation, but it was a lot- Howard Marks would have been proud... The
three Andy's had a set of Technics 1210's, a decent record collection, and were all
pretty good DJs. One was a cut above the other two though, and played a few gigs in
later years. Blagger was generally the one who got hold of the E's for our nights out, if
we were taking with, and on occasion if a tester was needed to make sure they were
good I would happily volunteer. This happened the night before we went to Dance '92
in Brighton. We had some MDMA capsules to test out, so I took one in Lances flat in
Cosham that night. Half an hour later everyone was convinced we were going to have
a banging night as it kicked in and I started coming up like a loon, lost control of my jaw
and started spouting bollocks left right and centre to anyone whod listen.
We did indeed have a great night in Brighton and I class this as one of my fave raves.
(Hard to pick between the top few really good ones.) At the time it was the biggest
venue I had been to with only a few Fusion events at the Guildhall in Pompey preceding
it. This had multiple rooms with a fairground to boot. Blagger managed to obtain a
couple of even better capsules from a bloke he met there and we had one each. That
is still the best pill I have had in my life. Even though I was already well away after a
couple of ours that we had brought with us, I reached a new plateau and the difference
was incredible. Shortly after coming up on it I found my way into a tiny room somehow
on the way back from the toilets. It was adorned with lava lamps and housed about fifty
or sixty people actually dancing to the house tunes rather than bouncing up and down
to the hardcore in other arenas. It was a sweet sensation. As soon as I got in there
"Sound of Eden" from Shades of Rhythm came on. I had never heard it before then,
but oh my, what a record! I was in love, with everything, and everyone in that room.
This tune was the fucking nuts; everyone was in the same frame of mind, smiles and
hugs with people you'd never met. An overwhelming sense of joy and unity abounded
everywhere, literally dripping off the walls like the chocolate from my fever as a kid.
How the fuck could this be illegal? I stayed in that room for hours, shunning the hardcore
I had previously loved so much for a newer, better, more harmonious sound. I still loved

48

my hardcore, but I had a new mistress in house. Oh, and I could groove, or at least I
thought I could/can. . .
Why were raves so great for me? I turned from an introverted guy with anxiety problems
who wouldn't dance unless shitfaced drunk in normal clubs, into a dance floor maniac.
The release I got from cannabis was nothing compared to this. This was bliss- pure
unadulterated bliss. I could bounce around and not give a fuck about anything, knowing
that nobody there gave a fuck either. The early years were the best. I missed out on
the start of the acid house era in '88 so can't comment on that. My first rave was in '91,
on the pier in Portsmouth. No great shake, someone got us dud E's so it was pretty
disappointing really. I ended up swallowing the soapbar (not an actual bar of soap, but
the name given to the resin we smoked at the time) I'd taken in seeking a buzz. The
next one was a Fusion do at the Guildhall. Some of the others had been to a big outdoor
event which I'm struggling to remember the name of, but I missed out on that due to
the cost. I think it pissed down and one of the Andy's, or Aussie Shane, lost the E's
climbing over the fence so maybe it was a blessing. We were all at Fusion though.
Slipmmatt, Seduction, and Loftgroover were amongst the headliners, we got some
excellent Doves and there I was in ecstasy for the first time at a rave.
I went to many over the years, but that one was also one of the best, for obvious
reasons. Slipmatt in particular brought the house down. I skipped about like a loony for
several hours, completely out my tree, and part of something special, part of the rave
scene, part of a generation. I understood what it was all about. In those moments I lost
myself completely to the music and the atmosphere, to the joy and the love. If you were
there you know what I mean. If not I believe the great parties will come again. . . The
other stand out do for me was at a little club called Zanies, over on The Isle of Wight in
later years as Andy was playing his first gig. We all trooped over on the ferry, and would
be staying the night at Don's dads house on the Island.
Andy was on first as the club was filling up, and played a good set. We all loved it
anyway, but there weren't many others on the floor at that stage to appreciate it. We
were all enjoying the night more than usual due to the adrenaline of having had a mate
play anyway, but the main headline act didn't turn up at the end of the night for one
reason or another. The resident DJ said to Andy that they could cover his slot between
them if he was up for it. By this time he had necked some E's as thought he was done
for the night, but that only made him keener to play. He merely nodded exuberantly that
he would indeed be up for it as he was finding it hard to talk properly by this stage. After
a few records the resident handed over to him, and he proceeded to smash it out the
park. All the corkers came out, mixed with flowing ease. I may be biased but I dont
think I have ever heard a better set. I certainly dont remember any that rival it
atmosphere wise anyway. Andy was not just listening to requests from his mates but
responding to the crowd, sensing what they wanted, off in his own little world at the
same time as being part of our bigger family, and this now included the whole club. It
was emotional. . .

The resident let him continue on his own for the rest of the night, not wanting to play
again, as he was doing such a good job. By this time all the Islanders had taken their
drugs and the place was going off. I mean really going off, another Andy got up on the
mike at one stage. It was fucking amazing- one mate on the decks, another on the
mike, all the rest on the floor going berserk. It was definitely one of the best nights of
my life. Writing these words has actually brought a tear to my eye reminiscing about it
again, big bloody woos that I am. That wasn't the end of the adventure for the night
though. In the wee hours of the next morning bailiffs crashed in and started
repossessing Don's old mans furniture and stuff; the bastards. It was quite a shock to
the lot of us, but I think they had quite a shock themselves too, at the state of us. Not
sure which of us let them in at the time, but pretty sure it wouldnt happen like that
today.
We darted about all over going to raves when they weren't on in Pompey. We often
went to Brighton, Aldershot, or Bournemouth where Nobles was a favourite venue, if
there was nothing on locally. The Dream Dance crew were residents there, and it was
a great little place with an awesome atmosphere. One of the MCs used to deal the
drugs in there, and the Cali Splits I had back then were legendary. It was one of the
three Andy's who always did the driving in those days, bless him. He was just there for
the music and didnt take any drugs any longer. I could never have done it, even if I had
a car.
After college I got a job at a warehouse. I worked the trade counter and drove the forklift,
picked orders, general warehouse stuff. Malc worked there with me, and we became
good friends. He looked a little like Robbie Williams, and could put away more food
than that without it sticking anywhere- fast metabolism apparently. He spent as much
time going raving as me, which is why the weight really never stuck on either of us. I
went to quite a few White Sugar do's with him in Bognor, some house gigs where the
music was pretty good generally. I started to appreciate house music a bit more than
hardcore but each had their own appeal really. I met a girl called Tammy here for the
first time, a beautiful redhead from Cowplain, whom I would later bump into at a do on
the Pier in Southsea, and end up accommodating for the night at mine. That was the
first time I ever had sex on drugs. I don't suppose it's too hard for you to imagine I
wasn't exactly the best lover generally. I had a few issues with premature ejaculation
and shit due to the stuff that happened at school. I just wasnt comfortable in the
bedroom. Well, not this night. I only saw her once more after where she blanked me at
a do in Aldershot. She was with someone else, so understandable really, but I still owe
her for an amazing night I'll always remember, thanks Tammy.
I was working, earning crap money, but working, and managed to afford a week in the
Costa del Sol in Torremolinos with Don, Luca and Bob. This was my first holiday abroad
other than with my parents, and I had a ball. We quickly settled into a routine after an
eventful first night where the jet lag (2 hour flight) or more likely the beer and spirits
caught up with me a bit too quickly and I fell asleep in a bar pretty early on, as was
prone to doing every now and then. The lads got me up and got me in a taxi back to
the hotel and I somehow managed to find the room and crashed out in a drunken stupor.

50

I was awoken by a rather loud and angry Don in the middle of the night. He and the
others had not had so much luck with their taxi, and had been dropped off about five
miles away, at a different hotel, and decided to walk the remaining distance, thinking it
was just another little bit further, and then just a bit further still. . . Don fell down a pretty
steep hill and cut his leg up pretty badly- for which he blamed me obviously.
The main drag wasn't that far from our hotel it turned out, so from the next day on we
always walked it, stopping at various beach bars along the way before assaulting the
mammoth flight of steps up to the centre of town. By the fourth or maybe fifth night, the
bartender at the last bar before those steps had our tequilas waiting for us before we
arrived. It's the little things that make the world go round isn't it? In town we generally
spent most of our time at Rockys bar; 300 Peseta's for a pint and a shot, the equivalent
of about 1.50 in those days, meant it was great value and always lively. From there
we would sometimes head off to Atmosphere, a favourite club of mine as played quality
banging tunes, and was more or less empty on the dance floor so I could skip about
and not worry about being pissed and crashing into people. It was pretty deserted
altogether though so generally I had to go with consensus and go to the more popular
club which I forget the name of now. This one had a swimming pool in it, the first time
I'd ever seen such a thing in a club, and it had various bars and a balcony that
overlooked said swimming pool.
I spent a lot of my youth jumping off seaside buildings into The Solent, as is a craze for
the local youth. One night in this club, our last allowed in there, I was easily persuaded
it would be a good idea to jump into the pool when Don suggested it. Don and I stripped
off to down our kecks and left our clothes with Bob and Luca before we climbed over
the railing, shouted something I don't recall and leapt down into the pool about thirty
feet below. We surfaced giggling uncontrollably as locals screamed- "You Engleesh!
You are crazy!" The bouncers were obviously a little less impressed and demanded
that we get out of the pool. "Come in and get me!" I shouted back swimming around
and laughing at them. Eventually, Don and I climbed out to be hurled unceremoniously
through the fire exit onto the pavement outside, still pissing ourselves with laughter,
despite the fact that I know had a cut leg to match Don's from the first evening. I was
about to get up and bang on the door and ask for my clothes when it opened and they
came flying out, with my shoe hitting Don in the head. "Atmosphere then?" I enquired
of Don, grinning from ear to ear. You planned this all along didnt you? he joked. Your
idea mate- not mine I laughed back, and helped get him up off the floor.
Back in Blighty I started playing cricket on Sundays, after having gone to a trial at a
local grammar school for a local friendly side. Although we were just a friendly team,
we took it seriously. We had some excellent players and an extremely good record over
the years. I met many good friends from all walks of life, Frank being the stand out. I
sniffed him out at the first game, a familiar pleasant aroma came wafting over from his
direction on the boundary whilst our team was batting, and the rest is history. Apart
from being a stoner, Frank can turn his hand to anything. He could make the cricket

ball talk when bowling, had a great eye with the bat, and never dropped a catch. He
has the best balance of anyone I've ever come across. After one game we ended up in
the Golden Hind. American Gladiators was a fad on the goggle box at the time, and
situated in the pub were a couple of padded pedestals, only a foot or so off the ground,
with some of the gigantic padded cotton buds. The floor had also been covered in
protective padding so it was full license. Frank never drank, and I had a few pints in
me, but I couldn't knock him off for love nor money, not even once. Time after time I'd
pick myself up and try again, only to be knocked down to the floor with consummate
ease. In total frustration I started trying to knock him off from a standing position next
to him on the floor, each time he rolled with the blow and toppled me over again
laughing hysterically. Giving up sugar is ten times easier than the task I faced that night!
On another night after an early finish where we'd whooped the opposition we had a few
beers down in Old Portsmouth at the Still and West. It was still early when most people
went home but Frank, Pat, and I decided we wanted to continue. A quick visit to mine
so I could procure my bank card to fund the beer purchases had me and Frank bumping
into my mum. She saw the state of me and was adamant that I shouldn't be going out
and getting even worse. Frank, who was sober still laughs at the memory of me
blabbering in an absolutely slaughtered, slurring, indignant tone that I hadn't even
fucking shhtarted yet before falling out the door and into the car. Sorry about that mum,
I'm sure I've apologised before, but it can't hurt to make sure.
We went and sat on the common, drinking cans of lager, and smoking weed. In my
drunken wisdom I thought it would be a good idea to climb a tree and proceeded to do
so, managing to get to about thirty or forty feet high before Frank joined me, telling me
I should get down, that I was pissed and it would only end in tears- "Wait until I'm down,
and watch out for that branch there, it's rotten" he told me before gracefully descending
the tree. I waited about two seconds, put my foot straight on the branch I had been
instructed to avoid, and descended in an altogether much less graceful fashion than
Frank; hit him on the way down, span uncontrollably, and landed on my back/neck with
my feet sticking through my outstretched floppy arms, on the grass below.
Now, I don't remember the next few minutes obviously, but I'm reliably informed just as
I was about the landing position that I let out a huge sort of huuuurrrrghhhhhh sound
from somewhere as I hit the deck, motionless. Frank flew down the rest of the tree and
he and Pat set about trying to assess the damage. I was still alive, that much was clear
so they propped me up against the base of the tree and threw cold lager on my face. I
awoke with another great huuuuuurrrghhh, wondering what the fuck had just happened,
and started to flap about a bit before I realised every part of my body was screaming at
me in agony. "You just fell out a fucking big tree Mark, sit still you stupid drunken twat!"
I think on this occasion it was lucky I was drunk, my body relaxed, and I somehow
managed to avoid breaking a single bone. I'm certain if I was fully aware what was
going on the results would have been far worse. Of course if I hadn't been pissed I
wouldn't have climbed the tree in the first place. If I did I wouldn't have fallen out of it. I
am, or was, a pretty decent climber... They got me home and into bed, my mum long
asleep by this stage. I passed out, and forgot about it all, only for my mum to wake me

52

with cries of "get up, you'll be late for work." I tried to get up and that's when the severely
bruised ribs screamed at me that I wasn't going anywhere for a while. I didn't have a
clue what had happened, having forgotten everything. I just knew I was in agony and
couldn't move. I grabbed my mobile, and Frank filled me in on the details for the second
time. I told work I fell out a tree trying to get a boy his kite down and had a week off.
Going back to the rave scene, after another do in Bognor, I had my first "bad trip" on
drugs. Some of Malc's mates met him there, and it became awkward getting a lift back
to Pompey, as they took up the seats. I wasn't going to argue about it, and was
surprised at their vicious shitty attitude, having never come across it before by anyone
in that scene. I managed to get back in the back of someones van, and got dropped
off at Malc's for a smoke and to grab the stuff I had left there. His other mates were
there, and at once an instant atmosphere became apparent. I knew they didn't want me
there, and I didn't really want to be there either. I became certain I was picking up their
thoughts telepathically, and it was horrible. Then I started getting paranoid that they
could hear mine, and they seemed to snigger, "yeah we can cunty, fuck off" -so I did. I
walked a few miles back to Pompey, past my house and down to Canoe Lake just to
sit and chill out. An old homeless guy was down there sat on a bench with a brown bag,
so I found somewhere to sit about a hundred yards away from him. When I started to
hear him in my head as well I legged it home in a state of panic. This could have been
a paranoid delusion, or it could have been happening, Im still not sure. I didnt talk
about it with anyone anyway.
I stopped taking drugs for a while after that, but got back into them again at a later date,
when I thought I'd be able to control it, whatever it was. It didn't happen like that though.
My anxiety came back tenfold. If I was out of it, I became increasingly paranoid that
people could hear my thoughts, and when you think the sort of shit that would go
through my mind occasionally you don't want that. I didn't give up E's because I truly
loved raving, but I made excuses and didn't really go back to the after parties anymore.
I was fine at the clubs when dancing, but the social side of things became a problem
again. I thought it was the drugs that had fucked me up for a long time, I really did, but
looking back on it now, I see the social problems, the over thinking, it happens to
everyone to some degree I think. Everyone thinks all the time. Some, like me just think
about one thing over and over again to the point of distraction and despair. The drugs
just enhanced all that, if I started to get attacked by my thoughts or negative ego I just
tended to make an excuse and go home. Not being able to face discussing it with
friends for fear of embarrassment.
To my mind enlightened beings are able to shut that voice out, to not listen to it, or be
able to resist succumbing to thinking your mind is everything. I think there is more to
enlightenment then that of course, but thats one aspect of it. I'm also sure I'm not
actually enlightened but my constant harassing and self-analysis has gone. I'm fine on
my own, and in company. Its all quiet up there and I'm living in the now all the time. I'm
even talking about what a lot of people may consider me mad for thinking and believing.

I don't care what they think of me. I will be proven right eventually, of that I am certain,
but it doesn't bother me one iota what people think of me anymore, hence me being
able to tell my loved ones, and whoever else reads this, everything. The changa has
shown me all I need to see and it well may be a case of now I've got the message I
hang up the phone. I don't need drugs anymore, I haven't taken any ecstasy or LSD in
ages, but I still want to fight for them to be legalised. I would like the next time I eat a
magic mushroom for it not to be regarded as a criminal act. That is one thing I will never
give up; I just love them too much. Help me out, spread the word about the book, and
in turn help millions and try and instill a new world order while you're at it, one with no
agendas, one where we can explore our consciousness as we like. It's only in this way
will we grow and evolve. It's no coincidence that Ayahuasca is reaching out to many in
Western society today. People are being shown that their way of life, through no real
fault of their own, has been being lived as an illusion.
After two years at in my first job I spent four years working at a bigger warehouse. It
was a good laugh, and it paid more, though that wasn't hard. I used to take home about
80 a week in my first job. I'm about twenty years old at this stage now, and in this year
I met two more of my closest and dearest mates, Darren and Tom. Darren worked out
in the yard, and Tom down on the paints section at the start. He would soon come to
"work" with me on branch transfer, where we, I mean I, would pick orders for the other
branches in various areas and load them onto various lorries. I might be being a little
harsh, he did some work occasionally I suppose. You think people can't change? He
went from being a lazy git to running a warehouse, and then managing a shift at our
later job which we both moved on to four years later, all within a very short space of
time. He now manages a shift at another major firm and is line to be their next general
manager, but back then he was a lazy sod- a cattle prod couldn't stir him into working.
Our job was pretty cushy though. We worked with another great lad Barry, a motorbike
nut, and we would often play tricks on one another. Barry and I once filled Toms
footstool locker with two cans of expanding foam. We squeezed it in through the slats
of the padlocked door. Think of Michael Caine saying "You were only meant to blow
the bloody doors off" and you'll have some idea of the outcome; it was carnage. We did
blow the doors off, and ruin the entire contents of his locker. He chipped out his trainers,
which contained a ruined twenty pound note. Priceless.
We could generally get the work done quickly, and jape around for most of the day, and
the warehouse was a pretty big playground. There was an adjoining smaller store
where most of the play took place. Tape ball fights, blowpipes made from copper tubing,
catapults using lead sheeting as projectiles were a few of our toys. We even made rope
swings using the straps the copper pipe got delivered with. You needed these straps to
lift the piping off the lorry onto a flatbed without damaging it. It was of climbing quality
strength and a couple latched together hung from the rafters meant Tarzan was in town.
Outside, above the loading bay there was a mezzanine platform which housed all the
crown wool and polystyrene sheeting insulation and made a natural assault course, or
doss area if you wanted some quiet time. On the warehouse loading bay we would play
cricket at times with a bat crafted from pallets and a tape ball. Tom and I were playing

54

once when Darren approached on his forklift, jumped off and grabbed the bat,
explaining how he would show us how it was done. I bowled, Darren swung, letting go
of the bat which sailed unerringly and inexorably into the windscreen of the lorry parked
on the bay for loading. "That's enough of that stupid game then!" he laughed and exited
hurriedly stage left on forklift. Priceless.
The Jolly Boys outings were legendary in the first couple of years there; Christmas
parties where the majority of the lads from the yard, warehouse, shop, the drivers and
transport office would go out and get totally and utterly arseholed. The Gosport ferry
was turned into a disco boat where you'd get chicken and chips, beer and some music.
Not the best place for a group of pissed idiots believe me. Kitchens were invaded and
the dance floor was taken over. Keeping up with older lads, some of whom played rugby
and therefore experienced drinkers is no easy feat. I'm only five feet eight and can't
really handle my beer too well. I have gotten into many a fine mess, some of which I'll
detail later, as much to advertise the perils of the legal drug alcohol as anything else.
Nothing really bad happened to me after these though, unless you count waking up in
a forty year olds room whose name I won't mention. I wasn't the only one to go there
though eh? Nothing actually happened with me either, well some things did, but I didn't
go all the way I'm happy to say. I think I passed out.
I got my first bikes whilst at that job passing my test on a little Yamaha RXS100 and
keeping that for a short while before buying a Japanese Import Honda NC30 in Castrol
colours. It was sweet, but as imports generally are, susceptible to mechanical problems.
In those days you could pass your test on a 100cc bike and then ride anything you
wanted, no limitations at all. This was only 400cc but I would shortly upgrade to a brand
new Yamaha Fazer 600 once I got my next, better paid job. These were the happiest
"work" years of my life. Darren, Tom and I became close mates, the sort you can trust
with anything. Money though wasn't great still, and that was what eventually led me
and Tom into applying and taking some aptitude tests for warehouse positions at a food
manufacturing plant.
A series of tests were followed by some group activities and interview. I had applied for
a warehouse role, but they asked me if I wanted to take the position of a process
technician instead as my test results were very good. I asked the difference, which
turned out to be about 4,000 a year so of course said yes. Although generally not
interested in money I was about to take the plunge of buying a home, and saddling
myself with debt so it came in handy. As a process technician I would be running the
weighing and bagging equipment in the factory. They produced the pre packed salad
you see in supermarkets, or find in your fast food burger. The salad would be cut in the
trim room, fed into huge chlorinated washers to kill the germs and bacteria, then dried
in volume washers and fed up to the weigh heads where it's dropped into the bagging
machines. Here it's flushed with more gasses to preserve shelf life before being packed
into boxes and stored in fridges. As a tech. you just had to time it all, the dropping of

the leaves, gas flushing, and sealing of bag. The faster it could all be done the better
of course.
We had Polish workers as the cutters and baggers on either side of us in the trim and
bagging area. In my first year there I fell in love with, and somehow managed to
persuade into dating me, a gorgeous girl called Agnes. She was stunning with the face
of an angel, long black hair and gorgeous eyes, I was smitten. I spent a wonderful year
with her, before she left for Italy to pursue her modeling career. Yes, she was that hot,
fuck knows what she saw in me at the time but I would ride from Portsmouth to
Southampton, where she stayed, as often as I could to spend time with her outside of
work. She didn't speak much English so that helped I suppose as not so much pressure
to find something to talk about, and I would help her with learning the language. When
my mum and dad moved away from Pompey in that year I stayed at the house for a
month or so as the sale was tied up and as I was purchasing my flat, she moved in with
me for a blissful month before leaving for Italy. Frank may still have a picture of her
somewhere that I gave to him to look after, after Katie started to feel insecure about
her- "you never loved me like you loved her, I can tell" that sort of thing. Again it's
another photo I can remember clearly; Agnes is sat on the Sea Wall in Portsmouth, in
a yellow top, her hair blowing in the wind, but I'm still going to ask Frank if he can find
it when he gets back from Mexico, if just to pin it up somewhere; until I get another
girlfriend anyways. . .
This seems as good a place as any to tell you the alcohol story I've most been looking
forward to writing about. The story that when I tell it verbally, cracks everyone up; my
show piece. . . By now you're fully aware of my inability to consume large quantities of
booze. I don't know why I was so crap, I had a lot of practice; whenever I went out
getting drunk would quell the anxiety so I always tended to overdo it. On many an
occasion, too much strong lager has seen me peeing in the hall instead of the loo, much
to my mums distress, or over a friends girlfriends radiator after one Christmas party, or
in someone elses cupboard another time. . .
At this one particular Christmas party I outdid all of those and more. It was held at a
posh Hotel out of town near Arundel, with a free bar as always. This was one thing that
the owner did right. A few lagers and vodka's preceded wine with the meal. Then, being
a lover of port I went to get a tray of it from the bar for the table after the meal was
finished; it seemed rude not to. Out of the ten or twelve people on the table, only a
couple wanted a glass, leaving roughly eight or nine for me. They were the catalyst. I
can't remember anything about what happened later, or what else I drank. I can't
remember toking on a joint and falling off the bench outside, but I'm assured I did. The
same as I'm assured the huge damp circular patch in the downstairs corridor was my
doing, but it's not just peeing in a posh hotel corridor that is why this one is so
memorable; it gets so much better. . .
The first thing, the very first thing that I do remember is coming round in an unfamiliar
room, dressed in nothing but my boxers. It was dark, but not pitch black; I could make
out the walls, the window and the bed. Someone, two people, it in fact turned out, were

56

in the bed. I had to go and investigate the people as it seemed to me to be the best
way of finding out where the hell I was. I'm not sure whether it was my breathing or the
alcoholic fumes that woke my financial director as I peered at them as quietly as I could,
trying to make out who it was without waking them. Recognition that it was my FD
dawned on me as I heard his understandably puzzled and rather angry voice demand
"Who are you? What are you doing in here? Go on, get outttttttt!!!" I didn't answer, I'm
not sure I knew how to at that point. Im not even sure I knew who I was, let alone what
I was doing there or how I got there even if I could get the words out. Instead I just
stumbled my way to the door and hastily left without uttering a word.
The brightness of what seemed like a two hundred yard long corridor engulfed me and
my near nakedness as I shut the door behind me. I blinked rapidly, getting my bearings
in a hazy mess. Where the fuck was I? What the fuck had happened? Why and how
had I woken in a room with a director and his wife? These were the questions that
accompanied the standard and all too familiar why the fuck does my head hurt so
much? No answers came to me surprisingly enough so I did what any rational person
would do in that situation- I took a few steps along the corridor in one direction, away
from my director's room, slid down the wall, put my head in my hands, and went back
to sleep.
I've no idea what time it was when I was woken by a porter delivering morning papers
to the rooms. "Eherm; excuse me sir" he politely coughed. "Er, hi." I stuttered back.
"What room are you in sir?" This guy had amazing composure. . . "I'm not in any room
I don't think." I replied. "I was meant to be on the coach back to Portsmouth, I've no
idea how I got here or where my clothes are, all a bit embarrassing really." "Let me see
sir; your name?" he enquired. I told him my name and off he shuffled, returning a few
minutes later to tell me I was in room xxx, just down there, whereupon he let me in. I
thanked him with all the graciousness I could muster and entered the room. I observed
my strewn clothes all over the place, felt immense relief that I was actually somewhere
familiar of sorts, and grabbed a glass of water before collapsing on the bed.
The phone woke me some time later. It was Tom - "You complete and utter ****!" He
berated me with a few insults before telling me about what else I had gotten up to over
the course of the evening, which culminated in him coming to the somewhat obvious
conclusion that I was too pissed to go back on the coach, and him booking a room for
me. (I had previously puked over a friends shoes on the coach after another similar
summer bash once on the way home.)
"You don't know the half of it." I told him after he had finished detailing my exploits. He
was in the room moments later, shaking his head and laughing. He started to recant
how previously, when I got into the room the night before, I had stripped off and dived
onto the bed, smashing my head on the headboard in the process, before pausing and
asking what else I had done that was so bad. I told him how and where I woke up as it
were, and what happened. His face was a picture. "No fucking way! How the fuck did

you get in there?"- "No idea mate, just came to in there wondering where the fuck I
was, last thing I remember is the ports."
We met Sam downstairs at breakfast where I tried to fit something into a rather queasy
stomach before leaving in Sam's car for Pompey. I coped fine all the way on that long
drive. It was only when the car stopped at Toms that I hurled; all over his driveway. I
apologised to his parents before being dropped home with the mother of all hangovers.
The perils of alcohol see? You can't seriously tell me that marijuana should be illegal if
this stuff isn't.
It was about a year after Agnes England left that I met Katie, my wife to be. Pat had
joined the cricket team by now and he was living with me for the time being. He slept
on a sofa bed in the lounge, as my flat is only one bedded. It helped with the rent, and
he's another close mate still. Pat was dating Plum, and Katie was a mate of Plums,
both of them living over in the Gosport area. We met on the phone really, she was
sweet, funny and ever so slightly mad in a good way. She would often be staying at
Plums or vice versa when Plum would phone Pat so eventually we got talking too
somehow. We hit it off, and when we eventually met it only continued to blossom. One
night she and Plum stayed over, Plum took my room with Pat and I stayed in the lounge
with Katie, as neither of us were ready for bed. We talked for ages, and being someone
who had a problem talking at length with anyone about anything at that stage, I felt
surprisingly at ease. We kissed, and fooled about a bit, she asked me if I wanted to
make love to her, and for some daft reason I said no; I didn't want to spoil anything by
rushing it. This made her extremely happy and we just smooched. The next day she
wore my favourite red, yellow and grey checked shirt all day. She looked so good in it,
her face radiant. I was falling for my second great love.
We continued to see each other over the next few months and it wasn't long before I
was moving into hers, with Pat covering my mortgage at my flat. Katie has a son, who
was four at the time, a lovely little boy called Luke. We got pretty close and eventually
one day he started calling me dad. His actual dad had been a bit of an asshole
according to Katie. I won't repeat the details here, this story isn't about that or him. He
was out the picture though and didn't visit, but that was as much down to Katie not
allowing it as him not wanting to I think. Things were going well, I was happy, although
I didn't see much of my mates anymore. Katie became a little insecure and worried I
would get back into my old ways. At this stage I had given up cannabis for the first time
though all I did was replace the Cannabis usage with alcohol. Katie and I would get
drunk pretty much every night, on either wine or beer or both.
Just before I met Katie I had sold my Fazer and upgraded to a Kawasaki ZX6R. There
was a great deal at Motorcycle City where I could get last years model, still new for just
over 5K. It was just a matter of changing over the credit deal and away I went. I didn't
get too much for the Fazer in part exchange having had had a couple of accidents on
that. Both were minor, but there was a fair bit of cosmetic damage. The first time I left
a friends house all too quickly on cold tyres, pulling out from Leightons, and turning
right, over revving and losing the back wheel. I got high sided and thrown off, my right

58

leg coming to rest in between the still spinning back wheel and mudguard. It stopped
spinning a few moments later, after burning through my jeans and taking off a section
of skin. I never wore leather pants, just a jacket; daft really. Luckily three lads were in
the car behind and witnessed it, and they helped me to free my trapped leg and get
myself up on my feet again. I had already very nearly crashed the Fazer on the first day
I got it; an oil spill on a motorway bend near the Marriot hotel being the root cause of
my strife. I lost the back wheel then too, but somehow managed to control the high side
and get it under control, my heart beating ten to the dozen. I wasn't thinking of physical
pain- I was on a brand new bike with roughly five miles on the clock. . .
The other spill I had on the Fazer was by the roundabout in Pompey where the jobcentre used to be. I was coming into town on a relatively quiet day, traffic wise. I
approached the roundabout and looked right for oncoming traffic. It was clear so I
started to take my line in. Out of nowhere a car doing at least sixty a car shot across
the roundabout. I hit the brakes hard, losing the front wheel on loose gravel and I slid
across the road, luckily slowing enough to miss the rear of the speeding car by a few
feet. I broadsided myself on the central circular kerb of the roundabout with a hefty old
whack to the ribs and was flung up onto the grass where my bike came to rest shortly
after. The idiot didn't stop. I never bothered to try and see if anyone got his license,
picking myself and the bike up to inspect the damage and see if it would start. It did, so
I rode home for a more detailed exam of the problems. Another skinned leg, arse, and
a bloody sore side for me where I'd hit the curb but I didnt break any bones somehow.
The bike was worse; both mirrors were smashed and hanging off, all the bar ends were
scraped, and I dented the tank. I didn't bother to fix it up; Motorcycle City had their
mechanics to do that so I traded it for the ZX6.
This is the only non-animate thing I have ever loved, well its probably not I suppose. I
love sky diving for instance, but you catch my drift? The sheer power and
maneuverability of this machine was something to behold. I realise now that its wrong
to love things and possessions but back then I was young and impressionable. The
Fazer was quick and nimble for sure, but not in this beasts league. The air induction
growl when you hit eight thousand revs made me grin like a Cheshire cat. The A27
between Chichester and Portsmouth would get gobbled up in a matter of minutes on
the way home. With the shift pattern at work I was quite often on empty roads, and I
quickly figured all the cameras were fake. The roads were in good condition and not
too testing in any way. If they were busy I was responsible, but on occasion if we got
out early from the knock and finish night shift at four in the morning I would tear home
screaming Born to be Wild at the top of my voice, in about fifteen minutes flat. It's about
twenty-two miles all told, and a lot of those are in town. I'd hit 160 mph on some of the
straights on the A27- sorry officers An accident prone person such as myself on a
machine like this? An accident waiting to happen right?
One cold autumn morning, I kissed Katie goodbye, and left home for my shift at work.
I was wearing my Sessions snowboarding jacket as opposed to my leather one, as was

warmer; I should have worn both really. I had a new flask I would never get to use in
my backpack filled with hot soup. Approaching work I have to take the right hand exit
on the last of the four roundabouts towards a small village. As soon as you exit the
roundabout there is a tight S bend, turning right and then left before the straight road
towards the factory. I was late and pushing it a bit, and got the bike through the first
right hand turn and started to shift my weight for the upcoming left when I noticed a pot
hole in the road. At this stage I'm still on the bend so missing the hole on the right isn't
an option as I can't see if there's any oncoming traffic and that could be a disaster so I
miss it on the left. There's no kerb there and the road meets the grass verge that I
couldn't avoid after dodging the pothole. The front wheel slid and I remember trying to
fight to retain control of the bike, and losing, sliding helplessly across the road towards
a heavy goods vehicle that had just left my work. I had to brake and my third high side
in a few years flipped me up and into its oncoming tyres at roughly thirty m.p.h.
My left side took the full force of the impact as I bounced off his twin rear tyres of the
right hand side of the lorry. He would have been doing around twenty m.p.h. I assume,
slowing down for the upcoming bend; so we had a combined speed of fifty I estimate.
Blackout. I dont remember the actual collision at all thankfully. The next thing I'm aware
of is looking down at myself in the back of ambulance from what seemed like the roof
of it. The voices I could hear were raised, anxious and distorted. I remember feeling a
tad panicked but not a lot else. No white light or anything like that. Later on when I
thought about it I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or what. Although everything was fuzzy
It was incredibly vivid also. Maybe it was an out of body experience, who knows? What
with the concussion and the upcoming barrage of anesthetic and morphine it just got
fuzzier.
The next thing I knew I was in a hospital. I had shut off at the point of impact, or the
instant unconsciousness meant I didn't feel any pain. That arrived after coming round
fully on the hospital gurney. The doctors and nurses were removing my clothes by now.
I actually had a go at them for cutting my Sessions jacket off; it was a lovely coat. Yup,
pretty much the first words out my mouth were what the fuck are you doing? I was
told I had pretty much smashed up all my ribs and shoulder and that it had to be cut off,
and quickly, as I needed a chest drain or I'd drown in my own blood from the punctured
lung. "Oh, okay then- work away."
Katie arrived shortly after that, or was already there by that stage, I can't recall. By all
accounts the crappy one litre engine Hyundai Pony I would later inherit got the thrashing
of its life on the way over from home some thirty-five miles away. I'm sure my dad must
have broken a speed limit or two on the way down from further afield, as it wasn't much
longer before my parents were there too; bless them. Back in the operating room, my
coat and sweatshirt had been removed and I was given a local anesthetic for the
imminent scalpel. I didn't feel that; the drugs did their job there. The following insertion
of the tube into my ribs didn't go quite as well. I've already told you I'm quite a small
bloke and my ribs, broken or not, are knitted together exceptionally tightly, or so I was
told. That was the reason they gave for it taking about ten minutes to get this tube
situated properly, as it kept popping out. The most agonizing physical pain I have ever

60

felt in my life hit me over and over again, and I would shortly have another tube rammed
up my helmet for a catheter later. . . That was a breeze compared to this- a walk in the
park. I nearly broke Katies hand the pain was so excruciating. Once theyd managed
to get the little blighter in and drain my chest I had the transfusion and then spent the
following two days in the high dependency unit. Katie broke every hospital rule
regarding visiting hours and told all concerned they didn't have a say in the matter. She
was pretty scary when she wanted to be so the staff relented and let her have her way.
My mum and dad stayed a day or so too, until I was moved onto the ward; tubes
everywhere- the one in my nob really starting to get on my tits.
I spent the next few days in a self-administered morphine induced haze. I also had an
epidural at one point for the pain in my back but the morphine worked the best. Friends
came and went; Katie remained all the time, my very own Florence Nightingale, ever
present. It was this that convinced me that nobody would ever love me as much and I
determined to ask her to marry me when out of the hospital. I wanted to make sure I
was thinking clearly when I asked and the morphine whilst good for pain is not ideal for
a clear head. More so that Katie would know it was a genuine proposal rather than
some drug induced whim than over any doubts that I may have had.
There was an old guy in that ward who would walk around in his birthday suit much to
the consternation of the wonderful nurses and the amusement of Katie and myself. I
spent four days in that ward, during which time another motorbike accident victim came
in, spent a night and then checked himself out early against recommendation from the
doctors. After one night in a different ward I was ready to do the same. I had just been
moved along to this other "quiet" ward which had about four or five inhabitants all told.
One talked to himself constantly, and another poor unfortunate chap had catheter
problems in the night, woke in agony and screamed his lungs out. Nurses came to put
it back in. He didn't like that a whole lot and the screams only got worse. Katie and I
persuaded them that she could do just as good a job of looking after me at home now.
They couldn't really argue with her on that point and off I went. The piss I took before
leaving after a week of being stuffed with a tube was sheer heaven. It got me a stern
word or two from a nurse as it was still wanted for samples, but I was only ever going
to use the trough- sorry.
I have to thank the driver of the lorry really for still being here today, a guardian angel
perhaps. Maybe an actual angel softened the blow for me somehow, who knows? If the
driver hadn't been on the ball and braked sharply and instantly, I would have been
crushed under his wheels instead of just bouncing off them, it's as simple as that. How
the flask in my rukkie didn't break my back I will never know either. I heard the driver
was treated at the hospital for shock afterwards. I'm gutted I didn't get the chance to
see him and thank him personally then. I have to thank the wonderful ambulance and
hospital staff who also helped to save my life with the chest drain, painful as it was, and
whoever contributed to the two litres of blood I needed, as well as Katie for being ever
present of course. Many thanks indeed to you all. Without you I wouldn't be here writing

this. The NHS is getting a bad time in the press at the minute in the UK. It's all
propaganda, designed to lessen your opinion of them so theres less opposition when
its sold off. They are wonderful and dedicated people in the NHS on the whole. The
government wants to privatise health care as there is money in treatment; lots of it, but
it's morally wrong, you know that as do I. We need to fight to stop the privatisation, we
really do. When health becomes business something is very wrong.
In conjunction with the tree accident I have often though that there is someone out there
looking out for me, that it wasn't my time to go just yet, that I had something to do here
first. At the time I just didn't know what. I mean I was just working in a factory at that
stage, so hardly going to set the world alight there am I? This is one of the many
reasons I believe I am destined to write this book.
What started off as wanting to open up to my parents whilst helping people with anxiety
problems, and subsequently helping others through sales of the book has turned into a
piece of the battle against the dark forces at work as well. If it reaches people for the
initial reason and who might start to think about the order of things as they stand today,
and spurs them into action along the way then that's grand. I know a lot of people are
unaware of whats going on; I was myself not so long ago. It's prophesised that their
time will end, and there will be an era of great joy- the Satya Yuga. I'm not saying that
it will be because of this book, but if I don't write it I will be forever fearing that I haven't
fulfilled my destiny. I feel that strongly about it. It's not just the staying alive when my
life could have so easily been extinguished. There are many other signs, examples of
synchronicity or "coincidence" that have led me to put that much more stock in them,
that I believe- that I know even, that they can't merely be coincidence. These will be
revealed shortly, and involve a shot against all odds relating to poker, and a sign related
to the current situation of writing that is equally, if not more, improbable; with
mathematical odds of 26 to the power of 5, or nearly 12 million to one. None of it is
made up, I swear. (Okay, I realise I have already told you about one of those two long
shots at this stage, it just made sense to leave that bit as it was. It was written before I
decided to use that sign as a bit of bait early on.)
Sorry digressing, repeating myself and getting too far ahead of myself at the same time
somehow- that is a new one. . . Going back to me and Katie, I did propose shortly after
I got out of hospital. It wasnt exactly in the most romantic way I will freely admit, it just
sort of popped out in conversation one morning in bed. I generally dont tend to make
too big a deal of most things but perhaps I should have done with this. She had to ask
if I was asking her to marry me. Her yes followed my nod of affirmation. That was it, I
was going to get married; I couldnt believe that she said yes.
I was off work for three months following the accident, on full pay for the first, before
going onto statutory sick pay for the remainder. That is hardly better than the dole or
jobseekers as they now call it, it was about 12 a day, hardly ideal when saving for a
marriage- cheers then...We managed though, and were married one beautiful crisp
winter morning. This Years Love by David Gray was one of our songs; we had not
known each other long, having met around January time the year before. I wasn't really

62

up for a church wedding but Katie thought registry offices were cheap and nasty and
wanted a church so I relented. The Day went well, no real jitters for me, I did worry at
one point about whether I was doing the right thing, but I thought everyone had second
thoughts at some stage; it was natural, too late to stop now anyway so I went ahead. I
did love her after all, so would be daft not to. I know myself only too well, and making
decisions has never been a strong point of mine so I just put it down to the usual selfdoubt. She looked a knockout when she came down the aisle, and I was sure I was
doing the right thing. The service was good- I didn't feint. Katie was beautiful; Luke was
cool and performed his pageboy duties brilliantly. Darren played the part of my best
man. Not usually a man of few words, his speech after the wedding was particularly
short. I think it went something like "Don't they make a good couple, thanks for coming,
everybody have a good time." Perhaps it was a little longer, but not a lot, bless him.
Katie's Gran had done all the food and it was simply wonderful. My dad and Katie's
stepdad had gotten all the booze from France. The reception took place in an
adjourning room of the Church. David Gray was joined by Coldplay's Yellow as
providing the wedding dance songs, I can't remember which was first now, but I don't
listen to either anymore. David Gray is not so bad but Coldplay? Urghh; No longer my
cup of tea, not just because of the ex-wife, they've just gone a bit wet. I think everyone
had a good time and I managed to avoid doing anything embarrassing by getting too
drunk. I still have some of the disposable cameras from the tables in a drawer,
undeveloped. We left at about eight oclock to get up to London for a night at the airport
hotel before going to Italy on honeymoon for a skiing trip.
The honeymoon was okay, not amazing. The snow was shit and the artificial snow in
its place got hard and compact pretty quickly. Katie broke her collar bone on the last
day. The highlight for me was a train journey back from nearby Turin. Think Cruise and
Rebecca De Mornay on the bus in Risky Business and you have an idea or close. We
had some fun on the slopes before the accident, but it was difficult with Luke being with
us to get much time alone. We'd get him down in the evenings and hit the bar generally
speaking, Amoretto being a favourite drink at the time. The wife could be quite feisty at
times to say the least, and I remember her arguing with another guest about something
quite vehemently. We had an argument as a result because I attempted to tell her he
had a point. It was the first of many as a married couple.
I don't really want to talk about my marriage too much. It had its ups and downs. We
had many arguments over all sorts of things. As a student she only had weekends off,
which is when I played cricket in the summer. I was now playing league cricket at a
decent level on Saturdays as well as my beloved Sunday friendly games, before the
accident of course. I already resented having to give up seeing my mates, and though
they were far more important than cricket this was like the straw that broke the camels
back. Not in overall marriage terms but in getting started arguing I mean. If I had been
more forthcoming and open the marriage could have made it perhaps... If I wasn't a
failure in the bedroom, it could have made it maybe If Katie was less believing of

others, more trusting and considerate it could have made it possibly...If she didnt listen
to one particular person it would have made it probably. . . If I hadnt broken away mid
intimate, spontaneous and rare blow job to watch a repeat of a marvellous Dennis
Bergkamp goal on MOTD then it could have made it perhaps- for a while longer at least.
I was married for about eighteen months all told.
Reasons were stated in the divorce papers that I went along with to get it over with, as
I was assured there would be nothing other than a clean split as a result. As a student
Katie had her legal representation for free and suggested I just go along with what she
said to keep my costs down also. She didnt want anything of mine she told me. Some
of the things in the papers held true. I was emotionally distant at times as stated,
granted, but I had my issues as well as her having her own. I was in a slump, worrying
about my problems in the bedroom that still plagued me, even though we had plenty of
practice. By this stage I was already getting moments of anxiety about what I could find
to talk about with her as well as the anxiety in the bedroom. I wondered what other
people talked about all the time so easily, I always felt on the outside of things, and
didn't express my worries or problems easily. So this explains the emotional distance.
I wasn't easy to live with all the time by all means, I'll happily admit, but I was made out
to be some sort of non-caring asshole, who she couldn't trust on the grounds of me not
siding with her in an argument with my dad the following Christmas. He was right, she
wasn't, but she twisted it into all sorts to say she felt threatened and wotnot. It was a
stupid argument over nothing. It meant nothing. The real reason for our divorce, and
the second person I've had thoughts about injuring badly at one stage or other in my
life, was a **** called Sly who was a manager at the factory. Katie was studying
microbiology at University and came to my work to help them with shelf life studies and
work on a project with bacteria which is where they met. He was always so very keen
to help her.
By this time things weren't exactly all rosy with us. We'd had a lot more arguments; I'd
spent some time at the flat in Pompey with Pat after being physically attacked by her
once. She was going through depression and seeing the doctor about it. Maybe I didn't
help as much as I could but I did as best I knew how. I'm sure the pills she was
prescribed made her worse, though I have no idea what they were. I had started
smoking cannabis again after having given it up. I had a smoke at work on occasion on
a night shift, and then in the garden at home before going to bed during the day to help
with the sleeping problems I still encountered a year and a half after giving up. Some
people at work got caught and names were given. I managed to blag it, saying that one
time I had gone out to the shed seeking a quick toke on a cigarette, and was passed
something that I gave straight back upon realising what it was. It stuck, and I kept my
job, barely, as a few others lost theirs. By that stage things were shit at work anyway. I
knew what Sly was up to and what he wanted, which was my wife. Trying to make her
aware of this didn't help. He was shagging agency girls, as well as full time staff
members, all over the shop, but she only saw the side he presented to her and didn't
believe me. He used the dope thing against me, and another incident where I was
labeled as an industrial saboteur. A can of Red Bull I had left in the washer to get cold

64

fell into the machinery and it went bang. Things were shit at home, I was having real
trouble sleeping, so the Red Bull was a necessity to help me stay awake at work.
Industrial saboteur? Priceless.
He worked his charms, my protests only made things worse. Divorce was inevitable.
Katie said she never shagged him when she was with me, and I believe her, but it
wasn't long after I was gone they were seeing each other. Not long after that before he
moved in. Not long after that she saw him for what he was and kicked him out. Not long
after that she was having to get restraining orders on him. It was a looonnnng time after
that she contacted me and apologised for it all, that I was a lovely guy and that she
hoped we could be friends again. She had been manipulated and she was sorry. We
had a good talk on the phone, yes I was still smoking weed, still single, had had an all
too brief wonderful fling, but still single. I almost did go to see her again to meet in
person, but when Luca found out about it he let me in on something he maybe should
have told me sooner but didn't. On the night before the wedding a few of us had gone
for a few local drinks in the community centre- I wasnt allowed a stag nightShe had
grabbed him by the nuts in by the toilets and propositioned him saying that I didn't
satisfy her needs. Brilliant.
Needless to say I was devastated and told Katie about it, she didn't remember it
unsurprisingly, but Luca wouldn't lie to me. I knew it to be true as I hadn't satisfied her;
I had my hang ups in the bedroom. The problems at school led me to always not being
entirely comfortable and my anxiety in my head manifested itself physically by way of
premature ejaculation basically. It was always a test for me as a result, and I never
really enjoyed it. Of course, it plays on your mind as a result and because youre
thinking about it what happens? Thoughts make things. At the time, I didnt know this,
it was a theory, but I didnt know it. Because I overthought stuff I had come up with this
theory, and once you know, or think its what happens, avoiding thinking about it is all
the more difficult. You know what I mean? Cause and effect. I sucked in bed and I knew
it. It made me think it was why she wanted the divorce, one of the reasons anyway. I
was also a poor conversationalist of course. Darren and Frank hated her and thought
she was poison, but I still loved a part of her back then. I still wanted to make the
marriage work, and tried to persuade her but was stonewalled. It may seem corny but
I wanted to honour my vows basically; Ive told you I believe in keeping promises. When
I later found this out from Luca I severed our ties on FB saying have a nice life, see you
in the next one maybe. I since recently sent her an apology about what I wrote and that
I would like to talk, but I don't think she got it as not a listed friend. I got no reply anyway.
I dont really know how all the FB stuff works as very rarely on there. If you're reading
this Katie, sorry about the way I've portrayed you here; it's not some sort of revenge.
I'm just telling how it how I saw it. I would still like to talk. I forgive you, even him, and I
hope you can forgive me for my part in it all. Like I say I had my own part in it all and
am no angel either.

After the papers were signed I shortly got a letter from her lawyer, seeking half my shit.
This she later told me was Sly's influence again. I hired a lawyer myself, and ended up
paying her a nominal 500- Katie, not the lawyer. She had never lived in my house and
was not entitled to any of it. Her arguments that I had never paid any rent whilst staying
at hers were shot down with bank statements. I had been paying it all, but by
transferring money into her account for her to make the payments. She was a student
and not working.
The lawyers cost me a bit however, and I had to take out a second mortgage to cover
that and a web designers home study course I had been persuaded to take up to get
out of the factory life, but had no interest in. That was only interest free for six months
then it jumped to a hundred and thirty-six per cent APR or something daft like that on a
two grand loan. The loan had reached something stupid all rather quickly so I took out
an extra ten grand on the house to cover it all. The training firm says I can take the
course up at any time- no thanks. There were also costs involved with a potential buyer
of my flat. I had to stop the sale going through last minute so was obliged to pay for his
survey. That survey showed up faults in the loft too. The previous owners had converted
it themselves and taken out supporting beams. That was another couple of bags of
sand to fix (that's grand in Cockney rhyming slang for any non-Brits reading this, it took
timber to fix rather than sand itself.)
Shortly after the divorce I used the rest of the remortgage money to go to Africa with
Frank, Trish, Pat, Plum and Paul. Three weeks in Zambia and Botswana, In
Livingstone, and in the Lower Zambezi and Chobe national parks. It was just what I
needed, and I fell in love with Africa.
Travel brings power and love back into your life. -Rumi
I had always been a big wildlife fan and wanted to go. When Frank told me they were
planning a trip I was in. My spirits needed lifting, healing even. Africa did that for me.
To see animals in the wild, in all their natural splendour is something I advise everyone
to do if they can. As well as the safaris we went to Mosi-oa-Tunya (the smoke that
thunders) or Victoria Falls to use the name Ken Livingstone gave them. Some things
just make you stop and admire their beauty, be it a woman or a waterfall or whatever.
Victoria Falls is one such place. It truly does take your breath away. To be in its vicinity,
to hear and feel its power whilst admiring its beauty at the same time is an experience
like no other. You stop, your mind stops, you can do nothing else but admire the sheer
wonder and awesomeness of it all.
I met some of the loveliest people you could ever wish to meet in Alan and Levi, our
guides in the Lower Zambezi, and Thierry, our guide in Chobe. I call him Thierry as he
was the spitting image of Henry, the footballer. I met Louis for the first time, another
true gent; Franks mate who ran a backpackers in Livingstone and who worked in Mosioa-Tunya national park; a smallish park in Livingstone that housed some of the few
remaining white Rhino; Gumboots being the most famous of them. He would ram land
rovers consistently and was generally regarded as a little bit nuts. We went on a walking
safari, and ended up a mere few feet from him. It was amazing, you could really feel

66

the awesome presence of him in the air. He sadly died a few years later, unfortunately
drowning after falling in the river whilst taking a drink. Not the way you'd have thought
he'd go out, but at least he wasnt poached.
In the lower Zambezi I remember an argument on the first day between Pat and Plum
as they had drifted dangerously close to some hippos on our canoeing trip. Levi had to
split them up eventually, Plum going with Frank's brother Chinwind, who had joined us
from Australia, and Pat getting in with Claire, CW's partner. Claire was a lovely woman,
much nicer than the one CW would bring on our subsequent trip years later. I knew him
already from Cricket in England before he emigrated to Australia. He was still the same
guy, mad on Karate. We called him Chinwind as his foot would often fly past your face
from out of nowhere as you minded your own business. Without the accompanying
Waachaa! you may even miss it sometimes, merely passing the wind off as the breeze
and carrying on oblivious.
Paul and I did just fine in our canoe. I'd kayaked a lot previously so had an idea about
how to handle a canoe, unlike Pat. There was one other guy on the safari outside of
our group, a lovely bloke form Germany called Manuel. He was working in the hospital
in Lusaka but was taking a break in an attempt to spot a Spoonbill being an avid
birdwatcher and not as yet having seen the rare bird. I'm not meaning to be racist in
any way but it was hard not to chortle at the way he moaned "Zees damn flies!"
sometimes. There is also a photo somewhere of him holding up his arm to block the
sun which looks suspiciously like a certain salute. Lovely bloke though, like I said.
We never got to see a lion or a leopard that first trip but we saw everything else. I've
now seen the big five as went back to Zambia and Botswana again at a later date. I
bungeed off of Victoria Falls bridge, a great experience, bathing in double rainbows
created by the sun and spray in the most stunning setting you could care to imagine.
Okay, on the video I looked like a flapping chicken as my arms splayed everywhere
trying to control the dive, but I managed to restore some credibility with a cool "I've just
shit myself" impersonation at the top of the first bounce, back up near the bridge. It
looks good on the tape anyway- "Sun is Shining: remix-" a Bob Marley cover is the
sound track for the tape and it fits brilliantly. Frank's jump was an effortless, graceful
swan dive, of course. 5.9, 5.8, 5.9, 6.0 and 5.1 would be the sort of scores he would
get in a competition. (Theres always one shyster of a judge eh?)
I'd taken a rucksack full of pot noodle type things as not sure how I'd get on with African
food. When in the parks it was Braai (BBQ) all the time so no worries, but they came in
handy on the odd night at a backpackers. Camping in the middle of a national park with
hippos roaming the camp, and the sound of lions nearby is an amorsome experience.
I was told that the hippo just sees the tent as a rock, and if you hear one close to just
be quiet and they will pass and so was happy with that. The lions always sounded far
away so I always managed to sleep. Frank had an uncanny knack of being able to
source weed anywhere to help with that. Ok, the local stuff wasn't great but we had
ample quantities. Spending nights round the fire, under the cloudless, starlit sky,

drinking beer, smoking weed and telling tales and jokes is heavenly. The stars look a
lot different under African skies to English!
Levi was a particular small bloke, possibly distantly related to pygmies, and on one
occasion round the fire I started to tell a joke involving a dwarf- "There's this dwarf rightno offence Levi. . ." That was as far as I got, everyone round the campfire erupted, and
that only caused me to laugh uncontrollably. I laughed so much I fell off my chair and
abandoned the joke; it was surplus to requirements now. On the subsequent trip I
managed to do something similar but I won't spoil the surprise just now.
As I've said I was never worried when out camping in the sticks. The closest I got to
being scared on that trip was on an afternoon fishing excursion with Frank, Louis, and
CW. I'm not usually one for fishing at home, but in Africa it's different, much like the
stars. There is always something to look at and admire, be it landscape, animal or exotic
bird. One of Louis' local guides was at the helm of the boat and as we drifted slowly
along someone noticed a Black Mamba skipping across the water towards us. Louis,
the calmest of blokes in any situation I'd seen him in so far, leapt into life and was
prepared to jump into the water to chance it with the hippos and crocs if the snake got
any closer. This obviously got everyone else a bit panicky, apart from CW, the snake
freak, who was busy trying to get his camera out from its bag. We passed each other
by luckily enough but CW requested that we go back round again as he had missed
the photo opportunity. Louis looked at the guide pretty sternly, with no need to utter a
word, and on we went, away from the deadly snake with CWs protests quickly drowned
out by all other occupants of the boat. I later found out from Louis that a Mamba will
often take rest on a log in the rivers if tired and it may well have hopped into our boat if
suitably knackered. I would have followed Louis out of the boat if that had been the
case, thankfully I didn't have to make that decision. I am not quite as fond of them as
CW, let's put it that way.
The other stand out memory for me on that trip was our first day In Chobe. We had
seen some elephants in the Lower Zam but only in two's or three's. On our first day in
Chobe we took a river cruise down to the campsite. At one point, just twenty feet away
from us at the shore was a herd of twenty to thirty of them, big bulls to small calves. It
was a stunning sight, the patriarch watching us intently, ears flared as his herd drank
and played in front of us. It was beautiful- Plum cried. I think I must have made upwards
of a hundred promises to myself on a variety of topics, but none have carried the same
weight as the one I made myself before I left Africa- namely that it would only be death
that stopped me from returning in the future.

Wherever you go becomes a part of you somehow. Anita Desai.

68

Back in England after the trip everything returned to the state of pretty shit for a while.
Going into work sucked but I now had a new hobby in poker that lifted the doldrums
temporarily. I have always been partial to a magic mushroom or five and it was on one
such mushroom experience with Darren at his house that I had a vision of sorts. . . It
wasnt a vision in that I saw anything visually; more a hint or nudge as to what to do if
you follow me? At this stage I had recently moved back into my flat. Frank and Trish
who had been living there after Pat had moved in with Plum, moved out, so I could
nurse my wounds after the divorce. I got Sky TV in straight away as had been missing
the sports, and got hooked on watching the Late Night Poker programme featuring
players from the Hendon Mob like Barney Boatman and Ram Vaswani, and various
other famous faces such as the ever so slightly brattish Phil Hellmouth on occasion.
That's not a typo by the way, I know he's called Helmuth, he's just exceedingly gobby
if you don't know of him. I started to play with mates, beat them most of the time, so I
bought a PC to play more often. I had someone a mate knew build me one up pretty
cheap, just so I could get online and play. This was the set up with the huge monitor
that I referred to in the prologue- practically an antique these days.
I'd seen Rounders at this stage, a great poker film with Matt Damon, Ed Norton and
John Malkovitch and was suddenly filled with ideas on the couch at Darrens under the
influence of the shrooms. There was no visual aspect to this vision as mentioned, just
wave after wave of ideas came to me from literally nowhere. Fireworks were going off
in my head like popping candy would in your mouth. I grabbed a bit of newspaper and
started mapping out in a type of tree diagram the things I had to do now that I had a
PC. I wish I could find that, it was crazy; all I remember now is that it had things like get
internet connection, obvious one that. . . Get Mike Caro's book of tells and Doyle
Brunson's poker bible Super System, and so much other stuff I've now forgotten, ideas
branching off from one point to another in some sort of demented family tree
diagram/Venn diagram/fractal. By the time I had finished I had covered just about every

bit of free space across two pages of the newspaper. On the mushrooms I had an
extremely profound feeling that it was all going to work; a certain sense of belief if you
like, and eventually I would end up in the live tournaments, perhaps the World Series
as my plan showed. Okay I never made it to the World Series, but I believe psilocybin
has the capacity to guide you in life, to give insight into what you should be doing.
Native Americans have been using peyote for ages, shaman of South America have
been using Ayahuasca to heal, course correct and give spiritual guidance in the same
manner for thousands of years also. The mushrooms didn't tell me to play poker, I was
already thinking of it, but they made my thinking so much more clear and focused. The
real sign that confirmed the suspicions that it would all work was still yet to come.
I played for several months, mainly low buy in multi-table tournaments, or small level
cash tables on rare occasion on various sites, before a new site which I'll call BM,
opened up. I had been doing okay at this stage, in the black but learning my trade in
the basement levels so to speak. I wasnt in any rush, content to try and build a bank
roll slowly. I netted some good tournament wins, one day winning two back to back,
and finishing fourth in the third in a row in the midst of a marathon 20 hour session on
one particular site before BM appeared on my radar. That was the longest I ever played
for in one sitting, and I wouldnt recommend it to anyone really.
BM was a small site with less than a couple of hundred players on average, and I got
to know most of them pretty well. Some were incredibly wealthy, and stupid. I started
taking notes, how much I sat down with, how much I left with. I also took notes on other
regular players and built solid dependable opinions on their play styles. BM had been
running for a few months at this stage and I was doing really well on it. The site was a
quite literally a gold mine, so when I started making as much money playing poker on
my days off as I did bagging lettuce I gave it up, handed my notice in and went solo for
the first time, "working" for myself.
Poker was booming due to the Sky coverage, and I spent a lot of time playing on BM
in those initial months and had some good success, building up a decent bank roll. It
was all I did for a while. I had broken my shoulder again, which I'll explain later so there
wasn't a lot else to do anyway. It was too good to pass up. People were learning the
game on 1 big blind tables when they should have been on the twenty cent tables on
the American sites. Perhaps it was brave or stupid to give up work on three months
only. I did okay on other sites but nothing like this one. Still if I had more time to play,
then I could make more surely? It was in the end an easy decision for me; bye bye to
the big fridge and twelve hour night shifts, and cheerio **** features. My initial intent
was to just play for a few months, and search for a new job at the same time, a new
direction, but if it took off then I just possibly turn it into a career.
One thing aided me more than any other in making up my mind however; the first
notable sign I have had in my adult life. One day in around the time of me considering
leaving work I happened across a Love Hug that Katie had given me once, kicking
about in a random box. It's that thing in the below picture, so no need to describe it
here. Katie had also given me an air rifle for a birthday one year as I used to like target

70

shooting whilst at school. I placed the love hug on the bin in the bottom of my forecourt,
and went to my bedroom which overlooks it from the first floor, about thirty feet away. I
know this doesn't sound far, but it was getting dark and I could barely see it in the
distance at the foot of my garden. The position I had to take up to be able to take the
shot was also far from ideal. The window only opens from the top half which is about
level with my nose when standing next to it. I used my cricket pads for extra height, but
still had to stand on tiptoes and strain like mad just to get the barrel over the top of the
bottom half of the fixed window, and out through the open top half in some sort of
contortionist act.
Here I said to myself that if I could knock the Love Hug off the bin in one shot then I
would make money playing poker. Much like you would say - if I can do fifty keepyuppies as a kid then I would one day play for England or something daft like that. I'm
not exaggerating the toughness of the shot here for emphasis, I didn't expect to hit it in
a million years; not with the first shot anyway. It really was a shot in the dark; literally
as well as figuratively speaking. I got myself as steady as I could, exhaled, held my
breath, and waited for my lungs to settle before centering the sight and gently
squeezing the trigger. The small crack of the air rifle was quickly followed by two more
cracks as the pellet knocked the love hug off the bin sending it crashing into the wall
behind. I grinned like the proverbial Cheshire cat and ran down excitedly to inspect the
damage. . .

You can see the results for yourself. A marksman or assassin would tell you that is
precisely where you want to shoot someone should you be so inclined and wanted
them dead. A perfect shot. I couldn't have got it more dead centre between the eyes
from point blank range. Considering the difficulty of the shot I was gob smacked- surely
this was confirmation that the plan that had hatched all those months before would
work. What with the shrooms and now this? Had to be didnt it? I went on to make
money at poker, so I put stock in signs like these and have paid heed to more recent
ones as a result. Needless to say that love hug sat by my PC while I played, or on my
cards if at a live game.

72

Chapter Three: A wandering card player

Not all those who wander are lost.- J.R.R. Tolkien

After quitting the fridge and before taking up poker in earnest I went on holiday to
Canada, snowboarding in Whistler, with Luca and Leighton. I bought all the gear out
there on the first day as extremely cheap and I intended to go a lot more in the future
so made sense rather than continuing to rent equipment. On the last run of the first day
we went right to the top of Whistler Mountain to make the most of the last descent.
Heavy fog had descended and you couldn't see three feet in front of your nose. I got
about forty yards from the chairlift when I caught an edge and pitched forwards. I
couldn't see my falling area and my extended left arm took the force of my fall, not on
the hand, but the elbow, and that sent a jar all the way up my arm snapping the bone
at the top of the shoulder somehow. I lay on the slopes yelling in pain, and not being
able to lift my arm off the hard packed snow at all. Luckily there was an American man
nearby with a phone who contacted the medics, who arrived on the scene ten minutes
later to strap me into a stretcher. They did a grand job, but every bump still hurt like a
bitch on that long journey down. They asked me what I did for a living, and were
genuinely interested in the poker, asking me for a few tips which I was only too happy
to give if just to take my mind off the pain. The next time I was asked for poker tips was
on another very different type of descent, as I was floating blissfully back to earth after
the freefall stage of an exhilarating 14,000 feet tandem skydive over Abel Tasman
national park in New Zealand, much more enjoyable! I spent the rest of the two weeks
in Canada either in the pub or watching King of the Hill (just a hint of irony there) on
cable, feeling just a little bit sorry for myself
The next two months back in England I played a hell of a lot of poker; with a broken
shoulder there wasn't much else to do. I wasn't sure how it was going to pan out still so
I got my head down and played, cash tables or tourneys. Flicking back through my book
I can see big numbers, sometimes leaving a cash table six or seven hundred quid up
after a session. One tournament win that netted me over 2K was the biggest single
entry. Sometimes I was two or three hundred or more down of course. We all have bad
days, but in a good week I was making more than I did in a month at the factory.
The book is quite funny in parts looking back at it, theres a page with a -260 and an
angry scribbled side note, "got rivered huge, **** called 135 re raise on gut shot draw!!"
shows how frustrating and stressful it could be. Towards the end I found it all too easy
to just not play; the PlayStation a far more attractive and less stressful proposition. I
had more than enough money so why bother? By that I mean I had about 15 to 20k
in the bank. If I had carried on a bit longer I might have been able to pay the flat off, but
I wasn't driven enough to do it. I had enough, more than enough to suit my needs, and
no desire to play anymore. When I did play I didn't concentrate; the TV always on at
the same time or some other form of distraction was all too easily accepted to stop me

sitting in the first place. I stopped taking notes and things went downhill. I had lost the
love of the game that I once had. It now seemed like a job, rather than a hobby, whilst
I thought about what I wanted to do with my life, and that didn't seem right somehow,
so I stopped playing and the bank roll began to dwindle.
One of the easier and most pleasing distractions I just mentioned would be to spend
many an autumn day in England searching the fields looking for liberty caps as I didn't
have a regular job any longer. Nothing can make you laugh that these little gems. We
had some a week or so before going to Africa that first time. I had just had an inoculation
for yellow fever, and I could swear my skin was going yellow as a result due to the
shrooms. I started laughing at the thought of it and couldn't stop for ages, every time I
looked at my skin I would just erupt again.
The time I thought I would quite possibly die from laughing also occurred after
consuming a lot of liberty caps on a separate occasion at Frank's house. He was
married at that stage, to a lady called Carla who was partial to a drink. Darren was with
us and the mushrooms were in full effect by this stage. Frank had warned Darren that
Carla might come home a bit worse for wear. When she arrived she did so in
spectacular fashion, fulfilling Franks prediction in similarly spectacular fashion. We
heard the key scratching around trying to find its home in the latch accompanied by
slurred swearing before the door finally opened, crashing inward with Carla still hanging
onto the key, sprawling spread eagled into the corridor. We had a birds eye view from
the lounge and could not control our laughter. I could tell Darren was considering it bad
form to laugh and he was trying unsuccessfully to control it, absolute fits racking his
body as he tried to keep quiet, his face contorting as he tried in vain to suppress the
laughter. That only made me and Frank laugh even more and so on so forth. You think
about it again minutes later when it's all eventually died down and you're off once more
on the hysterical helter-skelter of shroom giggledom. Laughter is infectious and
amorsome and it is good for the soul, though there was a point when I did think it may
possibly kill me on that occasion- I am not joking either.
So I had stopped playing poker but I had enough for the trip of a lifetime though. A three
month Journey to Fiji, New Zealand, Australia then back to Africa for an overland safari
across Botswana, staying in the Okavango Delta. We would then head back to the Falls
in Zambia for a second time and then down on into South Luangwa; another gorgeous
national park absolutely teeming with life. Frank, Trish and I were accompanied by
Trish's sister Red, and Rory for the whole trip. Rorys' brother Eddie would join us in
New Zealand for that and The Australian section of the trip, where we would also meet
up with CW again, this time dating the hound from hell that was Cruella. That might be
a little harsh, and she was okay on meeting her I suppose but my first impression that
formed in my head was uh-ohMost of the things that were wrong with her became
apparent on a different holiday after they married that I was thankfully not on to witness.
Suffice to say she was a piece of work.
Fiji was awesome, slightly too hot at times for a half Scottish bloke who burns easily,
but a beautiful bit of paradise, and very quiet. We spent the first week on Nananu-I-Ra,

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a tiny four square mile island with wild horses and the biggest, most content pig I have
ever seen in my life. His legs would thrash like crazy just like a dreaming dogs if you
scratched him just behind the ears. We had a welcoming Cava ceremony that first night;
a local tradition where you drink the concoction made from the Cava plant, and take
turn telling stories, reciting poems or singing a song gathered round in a circle. The
brew makes you relax, and I was comfortable enough to give my rendition of the Littlest
Hobo theme song when it was my turn as it seemed to fit. I hadn't seen this programme
since I was about five years old, but managed to remember the words perfectly, or
close enough anywayThere's a voice, keeps on calling me
Down the road, it's where I'll always be
Every stop I make, I make a new friend
Can't stay for long, just turn around and I'm gone again
Maybe tomorrow I'll want to settle down
Until tomorrow I'll just keep moving on
Until tomorrow the whole world is my home

The next day we found out how truly beautiful the island was; it was actually paradise
or heaven on earth to coin a phrase. Im not usually one for beach holidays but tropical
islands are a bit different. We walked as far round the island as the tides would enable
us to explore our surroundings before just relaxing, letting the stress and worry of life
in Blighty just slip away. Palm trees, smooth white sand, clear waters teeming with
tropical fish, the odd fluffy cloud to break up the dazzling blue sky- paradise. It got
overcast on the return from the walk and I grabbed a book, and took up position in a
hammock thinking the leaves and clouds would block me from the sun, no need to
cover up. That was when I learnt about the fierce Fiji sun and how never to
underestimate it. Red caught it bad too, and her feet in particular made my chest look
positively fine. Red is needless to say a redhead, and suffered horribly, as did Rory
who was Irish and also not used to the sun very much either.
I was actually glad to see a tropical storm when it came, something to break the hot
and humid atmosphere. It came down so hard it flooded the beach; I have never seen
rain like it. The morning of its arrival the sea was extremely choppy, and this was when
Rory, Red and I were headed for our accompanied scuba dive in the reefs. By the time
we got out to the dive point, both Red, Rory and the two Danes with us were green and
had no intention of going down; Rory having drunk far too much Rum the night before,
waking up the virtually the whole island on his way back to our hut in the small hours. I
hadn't drunk so much so didn't feel too bad and decided to go down for the dive. I was
glad I did, it was spectacular. Stunning fish and coral reef abounded, tunneled caverns
formed in the reef to swim through; it was amorsome. I had been assured that any
sickness I did have would be quelled when under the water, and they were right. It was
only on surfacing when the depressurisation occurred that I felt sick. My head span and
my tummy somersaulted, so I removed the regulator and hurled everywhere. The
instructor said I was providing a nice meal for the fish and not to worry. All I was worried
about were the bits hanging off my nose and the gopping taste in my gob.
By this time the Danes felt as though they wanted to dive so we waited another twenty
minutes or so while they dived. Red and Rory decided to save it for another day. After
throwing up, the bobbing of the boat wasn't doing anything for me whatsoever so I got
back into the water and hung off the side of the boat in an effort to reduce the motion.
It seemed to help, so I just hung onto the boat as we sped back in, using my right arm
of course as I still can't straighten the left fully after the two shoulder breaks. That was
pretty good fun I must admit. The second week we spent in Fiji was good, but not as
nice as Nananu-I-Ra, I wish we could have stayed there longer but we had to head into
the mainland eventually anyway to get the flight to New Zealand.
In New Zealand we met up with Eddie, and Harvey who would stay with us for the first
week on the North Island. We rented a camper van for our three weeks in NZ and month
in Australia. It was pretty crowded that first week. Harvey was another of Franks mates,
a good bloke, who happened to supply us with three ounces of fine hydroponics for our
time in NZ. After Fiji it was nice to get some decent weed again. The North Island of
New Zealand is nice, but the South Island is stunning in comparison. I remember the
white water rafting from the North Island, and Rota-Rua was cool, but not a lot else;

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maybe it was the good weed. . . On the South Island Wanaka, Queenstown and Milford
Sound were the highlights for me along with the skydiving which was absolutely
fantastic. Frank, Trish and Red went up the glacier for the day too but I declined that
one. We had a walk up close to it, but Rory, Eddie and I didn't bother going onto it. It
was impressive and maybe we should have done. By this stage though I had already
had to buy a new camera as the one I had got damaged by a freak wave fishing on the
North Island so I was watching funds.
I was also initially going to sacrifice the sky dive but changed my mind at last minute to
join Red and Rory. Boy was I glad I did. Everyone was relaxed on the way up, chatting
comfortably and looking forward to the jump. We reached our target height and Rory
went out first. I'm not sure how long we heard his ecstatic
fuccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkiiiinnnn yyyyyyyeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssss for but it must
have been about half a mile at least. I went out after him and understood his ecstasy
perfectly and instantly. A split second of concern as your stomach jumps into your
mouth quickly vanishes as you accelerate at insane speeds with the wind flapping past
your ears. You attempt to catch your breath without opening your mouth because you
cant. Adrenalin hits you with a jolt like you can't possibly imagine. You're flying, or
falling really fast, depends how you look at it, but for me I was flying for the first time. .
. We had about a mile of freefall that lasted around a minute. No thrill I have ever
experienced comes close to this; nothing at all. Then the chute pulls and you float gently
for around ten minutes enjoying the wonderful sights of the park and the golden sands
of the beach below. I ended up giving the instructor some tips on poker as we glided
back down to terra firma as mentioned before when talking about Canada and it struck
me at the time how similar but totally different the two scenarios were and I couldnt
help but smile. Red, Rory and I were walking on air as we met up on the deck and
excitedly discussed the dive. Life was indeed so very grand.
After Abel Tasman we headed into Wanaka which was an absolutely stunning town;
picture perfect. A long walk to the top of one peak rewarded us with some gorgeous
views of the surrounding area. Nature at its best, mountains, lakes and the cleanest of
air. In the town centre there was Puzzling World, a myriad of mazes, puzzles and optical
illusion, created by the inventor of the Rubiks cube which is a whole lot of fun and well
worth a visit.
At a bar in town drinking one evening I got talking to one of bar staff on the topic of
immigration and how feasible it was as was falling in love with New Zealand. "Well that
depends on your skills. They're crying out for hospitality, especially chefs. What do you
do?" she asked. "I play poker." - "You're fucked then." You got to love Kiwis, always
straight to the point in their own inimitable style. Why use ten words when three will do
just fine?
After we left Wanaka we found a great little secluded waterfall miles off the beaten track
in a place whose name I can't recall. The water collected in a deep pool before trickling
off downstream. How did I know it was deep? Well I tested it by jumping in off a huge

rock by the side of the pool, as I have always liked jumping into water from heights;
many a day was spent jumping off the hotwalls and the Round or Square towers in
Pompey as a child and teen- or balconies in Spain as a young adult. . . Frank said he
would dive in once I'd tested if it was deep enough by jumping so I was game. It was a
warm afternoon and we had walked a fair way so I was pretty hot and felt like cooling
down. I took the plunge and instantly regretted my decision. The water was so icy cold
I thought my heart would surely stop beating. I've seen the mad Russians who jump
into icy freezing water and often wondered why they do it. I still wonder; I suppose it
must be good for the circulation or something, but this confirmed for me that they are
indeed mad. There was no ice due to the running, swirling water I presume, because
this water was below freezing, it had to be. I surfaced to sounds of laughter and
spluttered my way back to the rocky edge of the pool stammering "deep enough but f f
f uckin' f f f reezin'!" Frank was good on his word regardless, and was soon wishing
he'd changed his mind. I have lost the disc with my photos of New Zealand
unfortunately so dont have the pictures of this gorgeous place or Wanaka, sorry to say.
The below photo of Mitre Peak is one I have recovered from somewhere else.

St. Patricks Day came and went whilst we were in New Zealand, and being with two
Irish lads it was of course compulsory to celebrate. We got hammered, the girls going
back to the campsite early, before Frank and I got royally arseholed with Rory and
Eddie. Frank hardly drinks at all, and I can hardly drink all the time, so we left a little
earlier then our Irish friends and made our way back to the campsite too. We tried to
get in the camper van that was in our berth before realising it wasn't ours at all, but a
group of Germans instead as we heard panicked voices when trying to open the door.
Frank and I looked at each other puzzled before settling on the idea that they were at
the "towels on the pool lounger" trick again, and shook the camper van for all we were
worth before stumbling off into the darkness in hysterics looking for our own van. "Was
is das, was is das!" ringing in our ears as we celebrated getting one back for all the
people who've been offended by the towel act through the years. The girls had been to

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do some shopping earlier and parked in a different spot and either didn't tell us or we
were too drunk to remember by the time they did.
We headed down to Queenstown and the Remarkables after that; a stunning landscape
that rivals Wanaka at the least and possibly pips it for beauty. You can drive into a
nearby park that overlooks Queenstown that is teeming with Deer, Wild Goats and what
looked like Highland Cows, and appreciate the views of The Remarkables from there.
I could have stayed all day taking in all the sights and feeding the goats. We finished
off our time in New Zealand by taking in a boat cruise around Milford Sound, more jaw
dropping scenery and home to Mitre Peak, as well as a small signpost where I
discovered the phrase Ki-uta-ki-tai. (From the mountains to the sea, to translate from
Maori.) I got Trish to take a photo of that signpost as didn't have my camera on that
little walk and only recently got around to making her dig the photo out so I could see
about designing a tattoo around it; I told you I tend to procrastinate, its only been seven
years since I returned from New Zealand!
We landed in Melbourne to meet with CW and Cruella and spent a few days there
before heading off up the East Coast. I like it there, it's stunning in places and the people
are nice, but it's too hot for me really. I'd take New Zealand any day if I had a choice of
where I could live between the two, same stunning scenery in a much cooler climate,
though I am finding out that there government and judicial system is as corrupt as ours
in the UK. I'm not going to waffle about Australia much. I had a mate round for dinner
the other night, and we talked about the book, he asked me to change his name to
"protect the innocent" and at first I thought he was joking. He wasn't so I have to go
back though and search for his name and maybe anyone elses whom I think would be
worried about being labeled as a drug taker. For most it won't matter but for some I
realise it does as they care what loved ones think if they happened to read this. Fair
enough, but it's going to take time. I care about what my parents think too, it's why I let
them believe that I no longer took any drugs for a long time, but I have to tell them now.
I've spent far too long not talking to them enough already, and besides there really is
nothing wrong with it so it's not like I'm confessing to murder. Australia was nice as I
say.
From there followed the highlight of the trip as we spent just shy of a month in Africa,
landing in Cape Town before heading overland by van to Botswana. Our rented vehicle
was a Toyota High-eight I think, the ones the "terrorists" use in all the films anyway.
You know the kind with the sliding door on the side? Our guide and driver was a great
bloke called Rob from Nairobi or Nairobbery as he called it. He accompanied us by
dugout canoes into the Okavango Delta for a short safari there. On the way to the Delta
Rory and Red saw their first Elephant, a massive bull in musk by the side of the road.
We stopped to take photos and he flared his ears, raised his trunk and trumpeted at us.
Rory was all bolshie shouting " Ah, C'moooan then you big bastard" or something like
that when Rob banged the side of the van to trigger a mock charge from the bull. Rory

shat it and jumped out his skin. The sudden transformation from one state to the other
was hilarious. I laughed my socks off practically all the way to the Delta.

We spent a night at a camp before heading into the Delta by dugout canoe. Rory and I
were the last to bed that night and were sharing a smoke sat out on some concrete
stools near a small electric light. Our seats were quite close together and we were
side by side, Rory on my right; our heads were maybe two feet apart at most. We were
chatting away, watching all the bugs hovering around the light when we both literally
jumped out of our skin for the second time that day. Im pretty sure I heard the rush of
air first, but it must have only been for a tiny fraction of a second. . . Then comes the
moment when you tense up as youre wonder what the fuck is going on for another
fraction of a second before your questions are answered by a flurry of feathers landing
three feet in front of you and grabbing a huge millipede or something similar, and
bugging out just as fast. I have no idea what type of raptor it was as it all happened
so quickly but I suspect it was an owl of some description. It had flown straight between
the gap between mine and Rorys head without hitting either of us somehow, grabbed
its dinner and left all in the blink of an eye: incredible. Rory and I looked at each other

80

in gob-smacked amazement. That was focking insane No shit. I replied; my heart

beating ten to the dozen as I grinned from ear to ear.
The Delta was magnificent, camping in the marshlands, not accessible by any roads
and truly cut off from the world as we know it. We went on a few walking safari's and
saw all sorts of birds, Elephant, Giraffe, Zebra, and a Thompson Gazelle amongst many
other animals. This Giraffe photograph is not time lapse I assure you! Cool huh? Sacred
geometry at its finest.

The guides were reluctant to enter too far into the bush but we pressed on. They were
only young lads, inexperienced as guides but nice enough and easy enough to
persuade. The only blip to our marvellous time in the Delta was having our tents nearly
wash away in an unseasonal storm one evening. "Those clouds look a bit dark and
ominous Rob." - "It never rains in Botswana outside the rainy season" he replied ever
so matter of factly. I think it was about ten minutes before the lightning, thunder and
torrential rain started and a good several hours before it let up. We had to bail out our
tents. Never believe anything anyone says unless it agrees with your own common
sense see? A perfect example. It wasn't as heavy as the rain in Fiji, but it was relentless.
I had a go trying to punt a canoe, and managed to avoid embarrassing myself by falling
in, but it is extremely difficult to get anywhere in a straight line. The way the locals do it
is astounding, swift and effortless, and without even the slightest wobble. The trip down
to the camp had been awesome, sipping on cold beer, glad to be out the van relaxing

in the canoe. It beats a punt on the Thames any day of the week that's for sure. We
saw a Spoonbill, the bird that Manuel had been so desperate to see in Zambia on our
prior trip but never managed to.

From the Delta we went into Chobe and met up with CW and Cruella once again who
would accompany us there, and then down into South Luangwa afterwards. Chobe was
cool as usual, except I had my camera stolen. It wasn't losing the camera that worried
me, but the fact I had a good few hundred photos on the card that I hadn't put onto disc
and some were amazing. I had pictures of a pride of fifteen to twenty lions bathing in
the sun, chilling out, at one with the world just metres away. That was my first
experience of seeing lion in the wild too, so especially galling to lose the photos. We
were in the park earlier than normal, before anyone else and got to observe them in
undisturbed peace and awe for a good fifteen minutes before other groups joined. I also
had some fantastic close-up hippo shots with mouths fully open in their enormous roar,
taken from the safety of the cruise boat. I had a fantastic shot of a giraffe in the sunset,
stooping ungainly to drink and far more besides, monkeys, kingfishers, fish eagles; the
list is endless. The highlight and biggest tragedy by far though were the thirty or so
shots I took of two hyena cubs, barely a week old according to the guide, playing right
in front of us as we watched in disbelief and pure amazement.
The mother lay in the distance under a bush, panting deeply, still recovering from the
excursion of something, either birth, or hunting. They played as two puppies would,
scampering around and wrestling, each trying to get on top of the other, mere feet away.
I was at the front right hand side of the Landrover and had the best view, snapping
away like mad for a few minutes before stopping and just watching them, incredibly
happy, Hyena and Human both. I only saw the shots on the small monitor of my camera

82

but it was enough to know these were the best photo's I had ever taken by a long shot,
not due in any part to my ability as a photographer; this was purely down to the subject
matter. I'm talking National Geographic standard here and I never boast; apart from
then I suppose. . . Gutted does not quite cover it. The camera went walk about one
night while we were out at dinner, I should have taken it with me but left it in the guest
house; lesson learned. I borrowed Trish's manual camera from her for the remainder
of the trip in South Luangwa. I missed out on being able to take photos of Victoria Falls
when we visited it again before departing by air for South Luangwa. I would have risked
getting my own camera wet, but not a friends.
It was here I saw a leopard for the first time to complete the big five, alongside Lion,
Elephant, Rhino and Buffalo. What a stealthy, elegant, beautiful and mysterious
creation a leopard is; an absolute joy to behold. We saw more lion; some extremely
close, as a pair walked right beside our open sided van on a night safari. I waited until
they had passed before I took my photo, wanting to watch and at the same time not
wanting to flash them in the face. It didn't seem a wise thing to do really. I felt the hair
on the back of Franks neck rise near my hand from the seat in front as I steadied the
camera. They just lollopped slowly past, not acknowledging us at all, without a care in
the world. It was breathtaking. They were magnificent, huge, imposing, and in touching
distance with no real protection to stop them should they see fit to jump in the Landrover
for a bite to eat. Probably up there with skydiving for me as an unforgettable experience,
and thats what lifes about eh? Experiences.

One evening round the fire I managed to live up to my reputation of saying stupid things
when drunk. The conversation had gotten around to a local man in the village who was
in prison for poaching and about whether or not his wife would wait for him. "Not a
concern really is it? I mean she'll have probably died of Aids by the time he gets out
anyway!" I blurted out, feet in mouth as usual when a bit tipsy. Uproarious laughter had

filled my slightly insensitive, but still funny, dwarf/Levi comment in Zambia the last time
as was meant in jest. This was also meant in jest, honestly, but it didn't meet with the
same approval from the guide. A solemn look spread across his face and I quickly
apologised. I'm a lovely guy most of the time, even when drunk, but alcohol can and
does bring out the worst in me. Since my awakening, I have yet to get into that state
again, and have drunk moderately and extremely rarely; a good thing surely?
I gave my Reebok Classics to a kitchen hand at Jolly Boys Backpackers in Lusaka just
before flying home. We had arrived really late the night before but he made us all food
regardless. I needed space in my bad for some curios at the market the next day and
the trainers really smelt as they had trekked across Africa, Australia, New Zealand and
Fiji by then so it was no hardship to give them away. I had a trusty set of ten year old
vans at home, but wanted some white ones for the trip as opposed to brown suede to
keep my feet cooler. It made his year it seemed, and that made me happy in return.
Our trip was coming to a close, three months of various blissful paradises would soon
be replaced with the day to day of life in the UK and I had no money left, and no desire
to play poker any more. I needed to find a job- fuck.
Sorry that I dont have a leopard picture for you but the ones I took with the manual
camera didnt come out too well as we saw her at night and too far away for the flash
to work well. The below picture is my favourite and in my opinion the best that I have
ever taken. Well, taken and still own anyway. . . Please excuse the quality, it was taken
with that borrowed manual camera and then I took a photo of the print with a digital so
its lost a little clarity, though still clearer than the one on the disc I had made up when
the photos were developed. Wed visited a school and a local village in Botswana. The
locals were extremely hospitable and very friendly; none more so then the kids who
were very excited to see us, and just as excited in waving us off. The fact that I got the
picture at all is due a little to fate. I had been trying to get the lens cap back on my
camera when a jolt in the road made me drop it. I had to shout for the Landover to be
stopped so that I could retrieve it, and that gave the children time to catch up with us
and enable the shot. It was a shame we had to leave. These kids have nothing
compared to what most of us have in the West, but their joy is clear to see as well as
being highly contagious. Everyone got a great big lift from them.

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Chapter Four: Back to the grindstone

When one door closes, another open. But we often look so long and so regretfully
upon the closed door that we fail to see the one that has opened for us.- Alexander
Graham Bell
It was summer in England when we returned home and people want salad in summer.
My old place was looking for help through the busy period so I bit the bullet and took a
three month contract there, got my head down, and ignored Sly on the rare occasion
our paths crossed. They let me go at the end of the three months as it was quiet by
then; not many people want salad in winter, so I would soon be out of work it seemed.
Going back for those three months was handy in one way as I could put that I worked
there from start date to the day I left on my CV and not have to explain about poker to
any possible future employers. . .
My mate Luca worked at a large accountancy firm and mentioned they were looking for
agency staff to help prepare tax returns in their upcoming busy period. I'd never worked
in an office and all I knew how to do on a computer was press the call, raise or fold
button. Work for me had just been warehouses or the factory, but Luca said I was smart,
and that I could pick it up, so may as well go for interview if they offered one. I applied
and went for the resulting interview and somehow managed to convince them I was a
quick learner, looking a new change and all that malarkey. They either had not many
applicants, or Luca had put in a good word because they offered me a role. It was just
a temporary agency deal so they could get rid of me anytime they wanted I suppose
but at the same time there was the prospect of a full time job if I impressed. I have
always believed you can teach anyone to do anything, and the best way of learning
things is to just join a company and work up, it's just hard finding that starting spot in
the right place. Here I had a chance to prove that if I could, so I concentrated for the
first time in ages. Sure, running a machine efficiently took certain skills but not a lot of
the old grey matter really. Here I was, foot in the door of one of the big four, so I paid
attention and worked hard. I picked it all up pretty quickly and started knocking out the
tax returns at a decent rate, learnt from the mistakes as they came back from the
reviewers and quickly settled in. I was surprised at how well I adapted to the change in
scenario, this was all so new to me, but I liked it. The people were friendly and helpful
and made you feel welcome. I knew Luca so that was an advantage but quickly made
other friends. I was offered a full time position after a few months hard graft and happily
accepted it.
During my first week there whilst still on the agency, I had managed to severely twist
my left ankle falling down the stairs at the end of the day. Not being used to heeled
shoes after wearing wellington boots for six years in the factory, I caught my left heel
on the step whilst descending the stairs all too fast. I can't walk down stairs if on my
own, I usually run, especially when leaving work- I don't know why. The heel caught
and I tumbled, all the weight going over the stationary foot and I landed in a heap at the

86

bottom of the stairs. Luca drove home and I rested it up for a week, badly sprained. It
still gives me grief today, but I regularly do daft things like jumping off cliffs whilst on
cricket tour, or falling off curbs when pissed, so it never seems to heal.
It was busy in the office all the time, deadlines were always having to be met in the rush
up to the January filing cut off, but I was used to pressure and meeting deadlines so
that was water off a Duck's back to me. Some nights we had to stay late but food would
be ordered from a nearby takeaway or bistro; all on the house. We were treated to a
free pint and appetisers at the local pub every Friday after work. I had fallen on my feet
instead of over them like in that first week.
Or so it seemed. It was only a few months later that corporate, the directors, or whoever
makes these daft decisions decided to break up our highly productive little family and
move the expatriate branch up to London with the rest of the work. It was either move
with the work, commute daily, or take voluntary redundancy. Moving wasn't an option,
I didn't earn enough and never liked London so didn't want to live there. Being there for
several hours a day would be bad enough. They would only pay travel for the first six
months so that would also become unviable with my mortgage etc. I took the voluntary
redundancy after securing a job where I work now as a contractor in their tax
department. I figured it was local, and I would be better off than I would be in six months
time. I was also in another big firm with a chance for a full time job hopefully, so I waved
goodbye to tax returns. We had the obligatory goodbye party and I got far too drunk as
per usual and smashed my ankle in again, pogo-ing on the dance floor.
The last few months there had been strange. Everybody was being forced to move on,
find new jobs, and it was quite weird. Stressful because of the job hunting, but at the
same time it was relaxed in the office. Nobody really cared about the work anymore so
we just had a laugh most of the day really. Comments in appraisals from a few of my
reviewers said that I had a self-deprecating sense of humour. This was a new
expression to me so I looked it up. It essentially means I'm happy to take the piss out
of myself for a laugh. Spot on then, a good summation as mentioned in the prologue.
I liked my next and current job just as much as if not more, I mean I'm still there right?
(Obviously not anymore, but again I think it makes sense to leave it as it was when I
wrote it. I think I had lost two of the four at time of writing this possiprobably.) Im still a
contractor though, five years later. They only give permanent jobs to graduates or
people with essential skills, which I lack. I love the people though more than the work,
as I mentioned before also. The work is not actually too taxing, if you'll pardon the rather
lame pun. It's only been hard recently due to the fact that my job keeps getting shipped
overseas to save money, and having to find a new one. Rumours are the one I've just
moved into will be on the way shortly too, the next transition after the current payroll
move, probably to Outer Mongolia this time, who knows. So as well as all the other
reasons for writing this, I suppose it's also a C.V. If anyone wants to give me some work
as a writer or photographer let me know eh? Im aware of the rising unemployment and
how many people are applying for each available job. I had to spend time looking and

applying. It's not easy even getting a reply from a lot, let alone an interview. All of my
forklift licenses have run out, I really dont want to go back to a factory, but in the last
six years working in tax and administration I havent picked up any actual qualifications.
Outside of work life by now is just plodding along for me; still single, no real intent or
interest in finding a lady. I was still having hang ups there so I just avoided the situation
really. I would get home from work, have a spliff, bath and tea, then put on the
PlayStation most nights; that was my life. I watched TV occasionally, but not often. I
love films, but won't get into a series unless it's really good, and often get bored of the
better ones so I plugged into the PS for most of my free time. I would go out on rare
occasions to the pub, for a works do or on a mates birthday.
Some nights I'd go and visit Frank and Trish, or Tom and Beefy would come and visit
me, I led a quiet life really, happy enough in my own company that I didn't need anybody
else in my life. Socially I seemed to be doing okay too, no stress or anxiety. Whilst at
work there is always work to do so I never had the worry of having to hold a long
conversation. The pub was always okay as I'd get inebriated to ease the tension. I'm
always comfortable in my own home as generally stoned and the mind stops
incessantly worrying about what to say. I got by, things were okay, if a little dull
sometimes, but I got by. I never had any depression or felt lonely. I thought the right
woman would come along eventually if that was meant to be, and if she did I would try
again, see how I fared the next time round. How I'd meet one though was the poser;
difficult when you're not really looking I suppose because deep down you're just a little
scared of failing again.
The only person I'd ever dated at work had been Agnes. That had been great so I put
no stock in the "don't crap where you eat" belief that you shouldn't date work colleagues.
I'd been in the job for about eighteen months, but had only really gotten to know Rachel
in the last few of those when her smoking buddy Carl emigrated to Canada, so we
ended up going for cigarettes breaks together. We became good friends; she had a
great personality, and was very friendly. It seemed to me that she knew everyone, or
could talk to anyone and everyone about anything and everything with absolutely no
problem at all; the total opposite to me so I was naturally attracted. I'm the sort of bloke
who keeps himself to himself when on a train and doesn't talk to strangers. Rachel
would know your life history and all your ambitions by the time you've passed the first
few stations. She had been going out with someone for a long time, six years or
something and was still in the relationship when we got friendly, but things hit the rocks
for them and my chance appeared. She could obviously tell that I liked her, and made
it pretty clear that she liked me so I thought why not give it another shot eh? We got on
really well and I had never felt anything other than being completely at ease when in
her company so I thought why not.
Before we embarked on the relationship, I told her what had happened at school, and
how it had affected me in the bedroom department and that I was somewhat
relationship rusty. She said "Phew I thought you were going to tell me you were
impotent or something." That helped a lot, and only increased the strength of my

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feelings for her. Darren has told me many times that I fall in love too easily and he's
probably right, but already I felt that I was possibly in love with Rachel. Yeah, okay, hes
right. I wanted to be with her all the time, we were constantly chatting via instant
messenger when not on breaks and I felt like I knew her really well. We constantly
made each other laugh and I looked forward to fag breaks a lot more than usual. Loads
of other people had noticed it all blossoming and were asking the usual questions.
Offices do love a bit of gossip, but we denied anything was happening Were just
mates! We managed to keep up this pretence for a little while until the day of our first
actual date.
It was a Friday, and I had the day off, but Rachel was working. I drove in so she could
follow me back in her car and know the way for the future. Anne spotted me in the car
park and we had to let her in our little secret. Anne is lovely lass but an excitable girl
who was good mates with Rachel as in her team in the office and already had
suspicions. "I knew it, I knew it!" she proclaimed jumping up and down and clapping her
hands, just as happy as me and Rachel. We swore her to secrecy and set off for my
flat. We got back and I cooked dinner and opened the wine, Rachel only having the one
glass. We talked a lot, under my quilt on the sofa in the lounge, sat huddled in front of
some electric panel heaters, as my central heating had been on the blink for a long
time. The water worked so I had no real urge to get it seen to in my usual lackadaisical
manner. It was October now and only just starting to get a bit chilly. We huddled for
warmth and kissed, but didn't go much further. She wanted to be home that night, but
came back on Saturday the following night and stayed.
I won't go into too much detail as I want to keep this as clean as possible, but I do have
to mention some bits. Not to blow my own trumpet, but because it is part of the story,
and matters when compared to previous failures. Suffice to say, either because I felt in
love, or so at ease, or both, I felt no tension at all and did myself proud. Not only did I
last for ages, I also had the opposite effect on Rachel and make her orgasm almost
immediately, and with repetition in our lengthy foreplay. I just have to digress briefly
again here, sorry. . . My last brief weekend fling had been a few years before with a
French lady who taught up in the midlands, who I had met at a night club, when she
was visiting a friend in my neck of the woods down south. I was never any good at
pulling women, and never really tried either actually if Im honest, but somehow she
ended up back at my gaff. No condoms meant no intercourse but didn't mean no playing
about. We kept in contact by phone for a while after, and she called me her "gold
fingered Pompey guy". I made a good impression on her as you can see, but it was
nothing like this. Rachel had her second, third and fourth orgasms all within the next
five minutes or so. Nothing inflates the ego like sexual prowess, especially when you've
been a complete dud all your life before. Part of me wondered at one stage whether
she was faking to help me relax, but I don't think you can fake the way her body was
trembling; almost like the way I shook after getting out that freezing cold water in NZ.
The accompanying "oh my God, oh my God oh my Godddddd's!!!!" banished any further

possible remaining doubt. I felt amazing, almost as amazing as she did by the look of
things. Then came probably the most enjoyable half hour or so of my life as she
reciprocated the favour orally. My whole body was in a state of ecstasy, but
concentrated in certain areas obviously. My toes tingled and felt like they were on fire
as I couldnt believe what was happening down below. She was intent on draining me
it seemed but it wasnt going to happen. I have a theory about why which I may attempt
to explain later but there was no way in the world I was coming to go. (Dyslexic joke
just pointing that out so you know its not a real error. People are right; it is bad when
you have to explain your jokes. Ill think about taking that out but me and decisions you
know?)
We moved into the bedroom to get under the covers and make love. It was soft, slow,
gentle and beautiful. I was having the best sex of my life at the age of thirty-six. There
has to be something wrong in that, but there was nothing wrong here. There was such
a connection; I was the Ying to her Yang. Everything was so natural, our bodies working
in harmony together. It was amorsome. It was making love as opposed to sex, sorry if
that sounds corny, but its true. I watched a film recently where it was stated that the
secret ingredient to sex is love, and never a truer word has been spoken. We relaxed
afterwards and lay breathless for a while, both exhausted but extremely content, both
of us stating that we had never experienced anything quite like that before. We talked
a while longer, then came into the lounge for a ciggy for her and a joint for me, then got
back into bed and cuddled and slept.
At the start it was straight out of a fairy tale, we were both walking on air, maybe it was
too good to be true, but the first few months, through Christmas and into January were
brilliant. The bedroom aspect was still holding true to what had happened that first night.
I was happy as a pig in shit. Rachel still lived in the same house as her ex for financial
and lease reasons so mainly came over just at weekends but often in the week too. We
didn't really go out, preferring to stay indoors, in each others company. I made real
sacrifices for her; I had to sit through EastEnders on many an occasion, the tradeoff
being I could have a joint. She never minded me smoking, but I mainly tried to stay
sober and just have a bedtime one when in her company, except when EastEnders
was on, a man needs something to get through that!
Everyone at work knew by now, it didn't take that long really. Anna is a bit like Wal from
Crocodile Dundee if you know what I mean? Plus everyone could see it on both our
faces so the cat was soon out the bag. We had our own little Christmas before I went
to my parents house that year, and that was great. We got a load of nice food and wine
in, opened presents, all the usual stuff but for both of us it was special. We were both
sure that we were in love, everything had been perfect for two months since we started
seeing each other towards the end of October. I didn't want to leave for my parents that
year, but it had been arranged. Rachel had other plans too. We saw in the New year
together, and it was just after that it all started to go a bit Pete Tong.
I don't really know what caused it. The housing situation with her ex was making me
ponder whether to ask her to move in with me when her lease was up shortly. I had

90

already been getting some small signs of anxiety as spending long times in her
company but now they were getting bigger and more frequent. I ran out of things to say,
or my mind thought it did, and the constant thinking returned in my head. Could I live
with her full time? I had no problems conversing when it was all rosy in the early days.
It was still rosy now but the doubts maybe caused some sort of tension, and at times I
found myself thinking I just want you to go, to leave, so I could stop the head banging
on at me, wondering about what to talk about. To just be on my own, have a joint and
chill out. I had spent so much time on my own that I wasn't used to the long term
company, and the thought of living with someone scared the shit out of me. I started to
doubt whether I loved her because of this, and it must have showed. I think she picked
up on it anyway. You know I said I overthought stuff right? Well, to give you one
example I questioned whether I loved her just because she gave amazing head, and
enjoyed doing so, when it had been sadly lacking in my life previously. . .
Over the next few weeks we didn't really see too much of each other as she was in
France on a family trip or something, and then the following week it was something
else. The fantasy had finished, the bubble had burst. I had doubts in my head and she
I could tell was having hers, maybe as a result of mine, or maybe for the reasons she
later gave. We got to Valentines Day and both got each other something anyway after
we said we didn't really agree with the whole premise of it. I brought her an orchid and
wrote how the lines in the card were all from the heart, and that the flower was just to
echo her beauty. By this stage I just wanted to see her, and try and explain why I was
feeling like I was feeling, explain my disorder - the fake one, that I didn't know I had. . .
but I didn't know how to. No one had ever made me feel like Rachel did, and I was
losing her.
A week or so later Rachel pinged me at work on the instant messenger service, and
said she needed to talk; could we go for a walk. "I'm not going to like this am I? I
questioned. "Maybe" she said before then telling me she needed to be on her own.
Rachel said then that she had to fight off her own demons before she could think about
anything else. She had said she's been having problems and been to see a doctor who
gave her some happy pills. Im not saying in any way shape or form that these were a
root cause. I never really got to talk to her much about them and at the time I thought
as most people still do. If a doctor has prescribed them then they must be okay. . . She
needed some time to fight those demons and get her head together, and couldn't do
that whilst in a relationship. She was sorry and would I still be her friend. I said of course,
and knew there was nothing I could say to change her mind, started to cry and just left.
I couldn't control it back at my desk in the office, and didn't want people to see me in
such a state. There wasn't that long to go until the end of work, so my team leader Mary
said I could leave after I told her the news so I went home, in a shit state.
I didn't really know of her problems, she hadn't spoken of anything before. I had only
spoken about my prior physical ones and not mentioned anything about what went on
in my head. I said I'd been having doubts but in those two or three weeks we were apart

I missed her so much I knew I wanted to try more than anything, to maybe get all this
stuff out of me and talk about it with her, for better or worse. To try and explain to
someone for the first time what really goes on in my head rather than put on a charade.
There was the way she put it as well, "I need to sort my own demons out first." That
made me think there was a chance for reconciliation down the line, so I tried to just be
the same at work. I had phoned her before going in the following Monday to see if we
were cool, and all seemed so, she was sorry but re-iterated the fact that she wanted to
remain friends.
At work I still went for cig breaks with her, which were obviously a bit awkward. After a
while she said that she felt like nothing had changed and that she needed space. To
me a whole lot had changed, we weren't physical in any way, only saw each other at
work occasionally on breaks, doing what I thought friends did. If she had some issues
I just wanted to help and be there for her if needed but she said she needed space. I
tried to explain things from my perspective, all the while hoping to convince her that I
could make her happy, and that just made things worse. She said she felt like I was
stalking her, and to me that was preposterous. Yes I looked at her; we were in the same
bloody office. Yes I kept asking to talk, after she blocked me from IMS because I had
stuff I wanted to say. I never rang her or sent messages to her phone, or turned up at
her house; I didn't even know where she lived still so that would have been pretty hard.
I had a defensive nature back then so obviously defended it saying of course not. The
protests made things worse and so on and so forth. I still have a defensive nature it
seems as I've just defended myself vehemently again, but nobody likes to be called a
stalker. I'm not saying she went psychotic like those drugs can and do bring on, but she
definitely got a bit paranoid.
By now I'm starting to feel pretty unhappy about the whole kit and caboodle. I'm thinking
I've cocked up a great chance at possible happiness because I started to doubt whether
I could undergo a long term relationship. I gave up smoking weed, not in an attempt to
impress her but thinking it would help me. I thought my anxiety problems, the constant
worrying about what to say, and hating myself for being so quiet may actually have
been caused by the long term Cannabis usage. I'm sure some of you think it is, but its
not, trust me.
Back then I still didn't know about SAD, and started to believe some of the bollocks on
the TV, talk to Frank and all that crap. I thought my head was fucked up and quitting
the smoke might help so I did. During the day things might have been better, and I
definitely felt brighter in the early hours at work. I usually don't really wake up until about
eleven o'clock at work after my second coffee. I actually wake up about eight thirty
every morning most days, snooze for forty minutes and get out of bed at just gone nine
to be in for quarter to ten. That's been my routine for the last five years unless I need
to get out on a Friday night so will get in for eight thirty so that I can leave early. I'm
always greeted with shocked looks and "wet the bed?" comments on those rare
exceptions. I'm not sure how it was so easy to get up after sleeping like a bag of shit;
just one of the worlds many mysteries. One oclock was my average bedtime when
smoking weed and I'm generally asleep ten minutes after hitting the sack. Sans weed,

92

I would get into bed at the same time, and lie there for hours and hours, thinking and
contemplating, trying to sleep but not being able to shut the brain off.
I attacked myself from every angle I could but the underlying theme was "You'll never
have a girlfriend again; nobody will want to spend any time with a fuck up like you. They
will find out in the end, they all do. Why are you such a loser? Why have you turned out
like this?" or words to that effect. All the while I couldn't get Rachel out of my head. I
thought Id be able to explain it all to her, to make sense of it all but who was I kidding?
I couldn't make sense of it myself. I Planned out what I would say to say to her if given
the chance, constantly playing out different ideas in my head. Could I explain what was
in it? My head, I mean. I doubted it, but I wanted to try. . . All the while the hours are
whiling by. You cant help but clock watch: well, checking the clock every now and then
anyway- Two, two thirty, three, three thirty, four, half past four and then it's six. You
know you must have slept a bit but you wake again worrying about whether you're
sleeping. You lie awake again for an hour or so then drift off. Then the alarm goes
ninety minutes later and it's time to drag yourself out of bed for another shit day at the
office after what feels like two or three hours broken sleep.
Five weeks of insomnia before I cracked; I couldn't handle it any more. My thoughts
were getting scary and I had to shut them down, and get some rest, so I started smoking
cannabis again. When you start thinking of killing yourself almost every night it's about
time to take measures Id say. I've never told anyone that really, apart from perhaps a
close friend where I may have mentioned that it crossed my mind in passing, but that
wasnt strictly true. For a while it was incessant; every night I would find myself thinking
about the same thing. I never got to planning it, I just considered it, and wondered about
it a lot. What makes a person do it? Is there a final snapping point? Are others who
have done it just like me and feel they're acting a part their whole life? Is it, and other
problems of the mind a hereditary problem?
I had tried taking herbal sleeping pills and whilst they didn't really help me get off to
sleep, once I had and I woke again I could fall back asleep quicker than previously so
they helped somewhat. I was determined not to replace cannabis with getting drunk
every night again like when married. If I did that I'd generally manage to fall asleep but
just wake between three and four and not be able to sleep again anyway. The pills
weren't the answer though as I still had real trouble getting off to sleep in the first place
so I relented and started smoking again. Much better! I slept like a baby once more and
stopped thinking those thoughts.
Sure I still felt depressed in the evenings but nowhere near as bad. A lot of the interior
monologue had slowed down to a crawl from the constant haranguing, as I sat and shot
at people on the PlayStation, trying to keep my mind off stuff. At work, if I did get the
chance to see Rachel in passing in a corridor she ignored me by looking away. When
I eventually managed to get her to talk to me I just cocked it up. Once I convinced her
to unblock me from the messaging service but it didn't last long. She couldn't stand me
now. She had changed her story from needing to face her demons, to she just stopped

loving me and it was a rebound thing, I was so different to her ex etc. There was no
more mention of any of her problems, she was fine; it was me that was the apparent
anti-Christ.
I of course knew by now there was no chance of us getting back together but I did miss
her company and wanted to get back to being friends, as much to release the tension
in the air as anything else but she wasn't having any of it. I suppose she thought I was
just saying that to try and keep close, but I genuinely did not want to lose a friend. Work
as a result was absolutely shit, everything became really awkward. At home I just
thought about stuff all the time and didn't really get anywhere. It was during this time
that I thought about writing again, spill the emotions and get it all out and maybe I should
have done. If I had I might not have been here writing this though and I think it's far
more important that I be writing now. Bigger forces at work see?
I'd had the idea about writing in the past before then after psychedelic experiences on
either shrooms or Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds. The seeds didn't really make me
trip out as such, but I got very contemplative and deep. Mushrooms always tried to kick
me into doing something creative. I had various ideas but couldn't settle on anything
though. Now was different. I was in such a mess, I felt there was something deeply
wrong with me, and had done for a long time. I just didnt know what it was so I thought
of writing, to try to get it all out on paper, to try and make sense of it all, but eventually
trashed the idea. At one point I did jump out of bed at four in the morning to grab a
notebook as tired of tossing and turning . . . bad choice of words perhaps? I was
restless; lets put it that way, but nothing further came of it other than a few scribbles. I
had not heard of Social Anxiety Disorder at this stage. I did just think I was different;
mad? Perhaps. Fucked up? Definitely. I thought about trying to get it all out on paper
to explain to her, as much as maybe try and help make sense of it myself. Whenever I
was granted a few minutes of time to speak I generally cocked it so this seemed like a
good plan. It didn't happen though; it soon became clear that there wasn't much point.
I have no idea how long I was depressed for after the split, but it was a long time. During
the initial weeks I still held out hope of reconciliation; still hoped she could fight off her
demons, so it didn't hit me. When it became apparent it was all over then boy did it hit.
It hit me hard and stayed for a long time. I was not really the happiest before Rachel of
course, but I had never really known depression. Sure, after my divorce I was down for
a long time, but that was nothing compared to this for one main reason. Previously I
had blamed my relationship failures primarily on my bedroom problems. This was worse
as I knew that area of things had been great between Rachel and me, so it had to be
because of my character, my failings as a person, rather than a lover. I thought I would
never be able to fix that like I had fixed the former problem. That paled in comparison
to this greater issue of the mind. Sorry to state the obvious but bedroom worries were
limited to the bedroom. I had to put up with my head for every waking minute.
I never really considered seeing a doctor. I'm the kind of bloke who just likes to fix his
own problems, and I just tend to put up with stuff. Broken heating being one example
but there are many others. My flat has hardly changed since the day I moved in. I still

94

have an exceedingly cheesy wallpaper border in my room from the previous owners
that I should have taken down years ago but will get round to one day. My trainers are
at least ten years old now. My double glazing is askew due to a cowboy loft conversion
by the previous owner to me, where he took out important supporting beams, but I've
never replaced it; the double glazing I mean. I did the beams, but only because I had
to. My carpets, kitchen and bathroom remain the same since day one. I make do, I have
never had that much money apart from a little time there when I played poker, and I've
never had any want for it.
Right, where was I? Split up with Rachel, depressed for a long time. Yeah, well, not a
lot else really happened in the next few years, I just hermitised really as the anxiety
grew. I saw the odd mate every now and then but didn't get out much, and generally
made a lot of excuses to avoid going out. I found it very hard to relax in company. My
brain, or ego, would not let up and shut up when in company so I stayed in generally. I
played a lot of COD in my spare time, and even made a few videos of myself playing
said game as is the trend and even occupation for many these days. Mine were nothing
special but not crap. It was a bit of a creative outlet, and I enjoyed making them, mainly
because it passed the time and it was a good distraction, something to stop me dwelling
on my problems. Eventually I was almost back to my old self a year or so later. And by
the old self I mean the relatively happy hermit that I once was, no longer contemplating
suicide. I was just being me, working, smoking, working, smoking, out for a drink on
occasion, working, smoking, TV, PlayStation- "plugged in." I didnt get out much as they
say. A year or two passed like this I suppose- I led a sheltered life. I guess I just found
it easier being on my own than out in company and having to deal with what went on in
my head so I stayed in more often than not. I made excuses for not attending various
events or occasions all the time, and felt guilty about doing that, but the guilt was less
harsh than the self-analysis. The lesser of two evils as they say. Eventually you come
to like your own company.
Then the first round of outsourcing hit my department at work, Budapest and all that
jazz. Rachel left the company, and I've not seen her since. Work improved as a result
naturally, I took her job, coincidentally and funnily enough. Everything worked out for
the better. Time drifted slowly by. Then I read about SAD in my bog book, looked it up
online, read some forums, took some tests and scored off the charts. Seek consultation
immediately I was told by the screen after answering several innocuous questions that
could apply to anyone. Do you feel nervous speaking in front of a crowd? Yes, and so
on and so forth. It helped me though, finding out I wasn't alone, but I didn't seek
consultation, no way, not my style. Knowing now what I do about the pharmaceutical
industry, I'm rather glad I didn't. It wasn't long before I went on holiday with my parents
to the countryside and chilled out anyway. I thought of bringing up the "disorder" but
didn't. I didn't know how to still. I still wasn't that forthcoming with my emotions and
feelings at that stage so the prospect of that conversation was always bleak. How do
you actually go about telling the people who love you most in the world, the ones that

created you, how do you tell them that youre a fuck up? Its not an easy task to
undertake I can assure you. Some might say you need to write a book about it. . .
The night I returned from that holiday I was straight round Darren's house where a gram
of changa waited for me.

96

Part 2
The Present, or last couple of years at least.
Chapter Five: Healing.
You are a divine being. You matter, you count. You come from realms of unimaginable
power and light, and you will return to those realms.- Terence Mckenna.

I hadn't heard of changa before Darren had asked if I was interested in getting some to
try, and this is testament to how good a job they have done at keeping it out of the
public eye in a way, or it could just be my naivety of course. However, although it is
becoming much more widely known lately, the vast majority of people that I talk too
about these substances do not have an inkling as to their existence, and when you
consider that our bodies produce it (DMT), I find that a little ironic to say the least. There
are a few reasons for this of course and I discuss that later on so no point going into it
here at all. A friend of Darren's had ways and means of getting hold of some for us if
we wanted. Darren was keen and after some online investigation I was also. Here
beckoned the opportunity to explore a psychedelic without the eight hour journey
usually associated with them. I hadn't taken acid in years as was worried about going
into one with the way my head went sometimes so I'd given that up long ago along with
the ecstasy. It no longer held an attraction for me but here was something new
altogether. A short journey of profound visuals and possible insights of a hitherto
unknown world were anticipated.
It was the opening night of the London Olympics, but we turned the TV off and put
Floyds Division Bell album on. Darren and I got the bong out and he went first. I had
the second pull on that first bong as he exhaled and lay down on the couch. I lay back
in the chair and closed my eyes after finishing off the bowl. That first go was strange. I
hadn't taken enough in as there wasn't that much left after Darren finished, but I had a
glimpse of the promise of this wonderful substance; fleeting though it was. I filled the
bowl the next time and had the first, bigger pull on it, and once more lay back and
closed my eyes.
Wow! This was something else; visuals like I had never seen before on shrooms or lsd,
that were so vivid they took the breath away. Everything started off slowly. There was
a sort of mosaic pattern of various shapes that evolved into geometric patterns of light,
flowing effortlessly and changing constantly, all extremely intricate, precise, colourful
and beautiful. I opened my eyes and the room was in that familiar psychedelic haze,
pictures on the wall breathing in and out as they shimmered and shone. I closed my
eyes again and went back to the immeasurably more stunning geometric patterns until
they faded away about ten minutes later as an estimate, though time seemed incredibly
hard to gauge. I could have been away for two minutes or twenty. As youve probably
gathered by now, Ive never been too bothered by time anyway so I wasnt concerned

with noting it beforehand. Darren and I both agreed that this new found product was
the absolute mutts nuts and settled down to watch the rather extravagant opening
ceremony of the London Olympics whilst we discussed what we had seen. I had not
broken through as such, but at that time I didnt even really know about breakthrough
experiences, and was perfectly content with the visual aspect on its own.
By chance my awakening occurred the night of the Olympics closing ceremony two
weeks later. I had had another journey on the weekend that split the Olympic
ceremonies, as couldn't resist it. I was that kid in a candy store, but it was more or less
just the same as the first time, with no actual breakthrough, just the geometry, light, and
overall warm fuzzy feeling, though saying just just does not do it justice. . . I could
watch that for hours upon hours. I dont really get it personally but people think the
Mona Lisa is a stunning piece of art. Imagine that, only a hundred times better, all
around you in glorious technicolour, shape shifting, twisting and bending with a seeming
life of its own at times, or making exquisite patterns at others, and you might get an
idea of how beautiful this is. But as beautiful as that is- that is only the tip of the iceberg.
July 29th 2012 marked the date of my rebirth. After the journey, and then a fair amount
of time spent in amazement, wonder, joy, awe and contemplation on my bed, I settled
down to watch another Olympic ceremony; the closing one this time, in the lounge.
Every smile I saw on the TV from the athletes filled me with joy as they paraded round
the stadium, and I was glad that I had put the TV on, just for that. Seeing representatives
of almost every nation in the land forget all the troubles of the world and come together
as one reminded me of John Lennon's imagine song and the possibility of a world
without borders. For the first time in my life I got what he sang so passionately about
all those years ago. My heart had just been opened, and now my head was following
suit. I was extremely open to the idea of a world without borders. It made sense, and
having just been told I could do anything, I thought that was a good thing to try and start
going about you know? From small acorns, grow big oaks.
I had just been given the most life assuring message of love by what I can best describe
as a deity and seemed to feel every smile in my heart rather than just observe with my
eyes. I actually wept with happiness, and that is the first time that had ever happened
to me. Plenty of times I have wept in frustration or despair, but never joy. It was like I
had just learnt how to feel, the emotions were that strong. They washed over me time
and time again like waves crashing on the shore. I think I cut myself off from emotions
for fear of being hurt again, but you cant close yourself off to pain and associated
feelings without in some way closing down a part of you that feels love and joy I believe.
Just my laymans opinion; not any professional diagnosis by all means, but it was like
the reset button had just been hit with the softest of caresses. Previously shut, closed,
or out of bound areas became open, accessible, enticing and welcoming.
I had had two big buckets to finish off the gram that night. I had no bong myself as had
lost it, hiding it somewhere once as my parents were down for a short visit. I can't find
the thing anywhere now, it's a mystery; Bermuda triangle in here somewhere I swear.
Mind you I spent about twenty minutes looking for my trainers the other day, only to

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remember they were in the car all along. I took them shrooming with me to put on for
the drive home if my feet got to wet whilst on the hunt. I didn't put them on as the boots
I had on remained dry enough, and then clean forgot I'd taken them with me as I
scoured the flat for them, so by that rationale the bong could be anywhere I suppose.
Anyhow, there's the old digression again- sorry. I had no bong so I set up a bucket
instead. For the uninitiated this is a method of smoking by taking a large amount of
smoke in in one inhalation. You use a two litre or similar size bottle and cut the bottom
off before placing it in a bucket full of water. A gauze of foil or other suitable material is
placed on top, pricked with small holes and inverted so it can be filled with the changa,
cannabis or whatever else you want to smoke. You lift the bucket slowly, applying a
flame to the changa as you do so and voila, the bucket fills with smoke. You then
remove the gauze and inhale as you sink the bottle back down into the bucket, try to
avoid taking a drink, and hold it in as long as you can, lay back, exhale and enjoy. It is
best done in darkness or ambient light I find.
The first bucket I had was quite big and I had a wonderful experience, the sounds of
Pink Floyd melted softly into the trip from the stereo in my lounge. Again, I didn't fully
break through, but it seemed I was almost there; I could sense it, and it was a very
palpable feeling. Maybe I did and didnt know it, but my understanding based on others
reports of conversations with alien beings and entities led me to believe I hadnt. The
start of this journey was vastly different to my first travels two weeks previous as for
those I seemed to just arrive in the middle of something. Here it began with a sort of
mosaic pattern of geometrical shapes, principally made up of overlapping circles to
form multiple different shapes seeming to steadily grow in size. I later found this
imagery after doing some research and discovered it to be present in a variety of
ancient cultures and civilisations; it is called the flower of life and is natures building
block.

During this journey I also saw what I can best describe as an image of Atlas or
Prometheus; a Titan from Greek mythology. If indeed it was Atlas, instead of holding
the Earth above his head however as is the standard, and possibly misconstrued
depiction, he was, if Im remembering correctly, holding a very large disc under his right
arm. He was stooping as though in the pre-coil part of the launch. His body solely grey
in colour, and he was bald headed hence me comparing to Prometheus based on the
aliens or engineers from the latest in that series of films. Before I had chance to fathom
anything else I seemed to move on as it were. The geometrical patterns became more
and more complex and began to form structures as they grew like a fractal; each part
a reflection of the whole, and I seemed to be on some sort of magical mystery tour of
these rooms or corridors that were being constructed before my eyes. Eventually
they subsided after a period of time that I did not measure. I have no idea how long I
was away, and am sure I have forgotten many parts of the journey as is the norm for
me. I was absolutely positive however, that what I had witnessed was even more
stunning then my prior two visits to changa land.
I had the second bucket more or less straight away after the returning from the first
flight, thinking that the remnants of the initial trip would still be about and I would maybe
start where I had left off. This one was a little bigger than the previous as I had only
eyeballed the first half into the gauze. I applied the flame and sank the bottle down
into the bucket, barely managing to hold in the smoke without coughing. I turned out
the lamp, lay back, closed my eyes and exhaled. The Flower of Life was present again
at the start seeming to steadily grow in size similar to the prior journey. This time though
before the light show started, everything stopped, or slowed down to such a crawl that
you wouldn't notice- and then vanished! Very suddenly my whole field of vision was
black like the starless night. Then, just as suddenly, before I had any time to concern
myself with the engulfing darkness, appearing out of literally nowhere, appeared a
stunningly beautiful tower or temple.
This was like no tower I had ever seen before. It had aspects of towers that I know of,
for instance the overall shape of it was much like the Eifel tower, the rough outline I
mean, with it being wider at the base and thinning into a peak. The sides were very
different though, formed of rectangular blocks that were stacked on top of each other,
angling down and in from the outside of the tower to the middle, getting gradually
smaller the higher they went. The middle of the tower was also filled with thin
rectangular blocks, red, white, blue and yellow in colour, also angling in and downwards
from the sides. Atop of the tower stood a beautiful symmetric Pagoda. The overall
impression I got was of an Aztec nature, but I couldn't place it in any one culture, it
seemed a blend of them. Imagine a distorted game of Tetris with just different sized
rectangles instead of various shaped blocks forming a tower, and you'll get some idea.
It was curious to say the least, vastly different to anything I had encountered on my
preceding experiences with changa. I saw it again later on, or something so similar it
could be kin, when I was browsing psychedelic art on the computer, looking to see if I
could find any pictures by actual artists of these visionary experiences that I myself
would find impossible to draw. I happened upon the website of Amanda Sage during

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this search and on her home page there was a photo of her painting at a festival with a
red, white, blue and yellow tower in the background, wider at the base than the tip!
Stone the crows!
Going back to my changa journey I seemed to glide towards this tower and enter into
it, finding myself in a room adorned with all the colours of the rainbow. In here I had a
"conversation" with a deity, whom I can I best describe as Buddha like in nature. I only
saw the head, floating around in bathed luminescence, rotating in a circular motion if I
remember correctly. They had no discernible sex, looking both female and male at the
same time. Its possible perhaps, but I am a little vague, that there may have been one
female face and one male that sort of merged as they finished spinning round but the
overall impression was I got from them was that they were twin-sexed. I remember
spending a few moments trying to decide what sex they were, as seemed important
initially, then realising that it didn't really matter at all before we began to talk. I say
talking, but no words were uttered; it was telepathic communication. I can't remember
it word by word or anything like that and I don't really recall how we got going. I didn't
question that I could hear them without their lips moving or anything daft like that. We
just talked or rather they talked and I listened, with the occasional reply.
She knew all about me, so there was no need for an introduction or any specific
questions on her behalf. (I'm just going to refer to her in the female sense from now on
as they, them or "whoever it was" just seems a little impersonal okay?) I cant
remember everything of the conversation in detail but am sure of the overall message.
She told me very tenderly and with the utmost assurance that I was amazing, and that
anything else other than loving myself was sheer stupidity. I was amazing all along and
just didn't know it, that my hang ups and problems were surmountable and beatable,
and it wouldn't require great effort to do so. That by loving myself I loved the universe
and all around, and that by loving the universe I loved myself. This made sense to me
of course as I know things are connected- Ki-Uta-Ki-Tai (from the mountains to the sea)
and all that malarkey, but I used to just think in terms of ecosystems and nature.
A couple of Salvia trips a fair few years before had more or less confirmed to me that
death is not the end of the road, and that knowledge gave me solace obviously, but that
was just a feeling that once we left this body we just became part of everything to
summarise briefly. The funniest and most profound instance was actually filmed by my
friends at the time. I cant attach that due to privacy concerns obviously but if youve
seen anyone under the influence of nitrous oxide then youll have a good idea of what
I was like. For some time I am sat in my chair giggling hysterically and uncontrollably
before partially returning to the room and attempting to answer questions from my
curious companions. What happened? What was so funny? Amongst the relenting,
rapturous giggling I somehow manage to blurt out Ive been with the plommet people.
The plommet people were little green sprites for want of a better word. I dont really
know how to explain them other than that Im sorry. I dont recall any conversation at
all that I had with them. My assumption is that perhaps I was trying to say planet people

but Im not certain. It seemed to me like we just played for a while as I just remember
having fun; the kind you have when youre a small child taking in new wonderscarefree, innocent and pure. All I can fully recall is a feeling of immense happiness; it
was all a bit fuzzy but I was somehow sure that when you died that wasnt the end of
the line as a result of it. They seemed to be what happened next, and whatever followed
this life surely had to be better was what I generally thought around that time. I could
of course be wrong, but they were at least otherworldly if not afterworldly.
Here it went deeper. I was instantly aware that I was part of something far bigger, more
magical and mysterious than we are led to believe in our day to day lives. I understood
that as well as there being some sort of after life or other life that this life was important
in our development. I realised that we are here to grow as spirits. Again it's hard for me
to describe how I came so easily to this conclusion but I was talking to a Buddha of
sorts it seemed and I was aware of the Buddhist beliefs in re-incarnation so is there
that first and foremost but there was something else. In a way this is harder than
trying to describe than the beautiful sacred geometry. I just knew everything was alright,
it was okay, and that there was indeed a greater plan. How I knew I didnt know but I
knew. Thats not quite right I know how I knew- Im just finding it hard to explain. When
you have an experience like this, one that rocks your world, you just know you know?
Well, you only know if youve had one I suppose . . . tricky.
It was obvious to me that I was conversing some higher form of life or spirit, from a
different realm to the one we see daily. That it was indeed a spiritual event, and not
just some mere hallucination. It's difficult to explain how I know that with the utmost
surety, maybe it's the certainty with how she "spoke" to me. I have never heard anyone
so wise, caring and compassionate all in one go. She was so incredibly loving that there
was simply no other rational explanation. That certainty and belief that I had in who she
was, was reflected in her belief of me it seemed. I was amazing; she told me ever so
matter of factly as well as lovingly. It would certainly have been foolish to question her
so I didn't.
I was told I could do anything, and at this point I smiled to myself and thought I'm not
going to become a professional footballer at thirty-eight am I? It's not that I want to be
a footballer now, I did as a kid, but that was what entered my mind- Ive no idea why.
Wait a second, yes I do. . . Its because that is my first instinct on pretty much
everything; to attempt to make a joke. It was obviously okay to have a little joke with
her too because she laughed, and said "No. Think about what you want to do now."
That was more or less it for the conversation; well, it was it actually- she vanished.
Perhaps she had told me all I needed to know, perhaps she had other people to go and
see. I later found out I had been told all that was needed, the proof of that being the
subsequent days, weeks and months sans anxiety. Gone, vanished, disappeared.
Goodbye, au revoir, arriverderci, dossvidanya, adios, auf wiedersehen, cheerio or
cheery-bye as my Nan used to say. My anxiety vanished just like she did, one second
it was there and then the next it wasnt. That was it, from then on, I was a different
person- it's as simple as that. The best way to describe something that on the face of it

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is indescribable is simply I find- The healing and love I received was the most
enlightening experience of my life to date.
After the conversation had finished and she had departed, the light show that has
accompanied all but one of my experiences with changa or DMT returned. Wonderful,
Intricate, evolving and weaving patterns of a complicated, yet in essence simple nature,
abounded once more but this time they were even more intricate and beautiful. What
had been geometric, slightly angular visuals on my first experiences with changa now
become more tubular, and even more exquisite and beautiful for the remainder of the
trip. If there was any kind of pattern now it was incredibly hard to see. The colours
seemed to melt and twist into each other as they glided along like long tailed stunt kites
in the breeze darting one way then the other. I swore I could see faces in them as they
danced towards me and around me. They seemed particularly happy to see me and
though they were quiet I could palpably feel their joy and love. Words fail at trying to
describe how beautiful a display this was, and nor were they necessary at the time it
seemed.
It is extremely hard to describe these wonderful flowing fractal patterns of light with any
detail; at least certainly any that would do them justice. You have never seen anything
like them, trust me. Well, you might have done of course; if youve sampled these
wonders yourself but for the majority of the general populous what I state holds true. I
wish I could paint to try and show you but I can't. I realise that I can do anything now,
and with time, effort and dedication I could probably learn to paint, and who knows,
maybe it's something I'll take up in my spare time. I also realise that by defining
something you somehow limit it, regardless of whether that was your intention or not,
and these shows are the total opposite of limit. They seem to represent, to me anyway
with my limited experience, nature at its most infinite. A glimpse into the wonder of the
universe, from a front row seat, and its pretty fucking epic.
On my bed, in contemplation of all the events of the experience, which I think must
have lasted nearly twenty minutes, I thought about what I wanted to do, as that seemed
to be the question I had been left with. You don't have to be psychic to figure that out,
I mean you're reading this right? (Dj vu? have I said that before?) The idea of writing
had crossed my mind before as I've also mentioned, so when I was asked what it was
I wanted to do the answer was obvious. I had to write. To try and spread word about
this little known substance and its wondrous effects. Over the next few days and weeks
the magnitude of the change occurring in me only grew and I realised what a truly
profound effect this experience had on me.
I began to understand the extent of its promise and potential to heal mankind and the
planet and I came to realise how important it could be as a tool in that endeavour.
Whole paragraph for this bit so it stands out a little. . .
I had to help people, as many as I possibly could; primarily those who suffer with anxiety
and depression but I was sure if this became legal and common place the whole world

would benefit as a result. If everyone felt as I felt inside then the world would be better
off. This is no ego trip in any way at all and I really hope it doesnt appear as such. Im
not saying look at me, look at how great I am, rather, I wish you could feel like this
too. Just to clarify, I am talking a month or two after the event here, not whilst under
the immediate effects.
I know now there are some doctors working with psychedelics again, and word is
spreading about Ayahuasca and its benefits, like the tendrils of the vine itself, but they
are still illegal here, and that needs to change. The majority of people just see these
wonderful substances as drugs, that's all, just drugs, ergo they must be bad. They shut
off there and then and won't listen to you. They've been fed far too much propaganda
over the years and are very hard to dissuade. Generally people are either pro drugs or
anti-drugs, without a lot of middle ground. All the evidence and testimony I give here is
in an attempt to convince you to change your mind. You don't have to try them yourself
if you don't want to, nobody will force you, but you should at least research them online,
do some proper research into Ayahuasca, its derivatives and their benefits. At least
then as a minimum, you won't judge people unfairly for taking them. People are not
looking to get high when they consume Ayahuasca; it is not a recreational drug in any
way, shape or form but a plant medicine. I am just one of many people that it or its
derivatives have helped. Maybe my story is necessary to show that you don't need to
go to the Amazon to be healed, though that is advisable if an option. I am certainly
going to try and make it out there soon. You may be too young or old to even think
about going now, or you may just well be a little anxious or scared of losing your ego
perhaps. You shouldn't be; its only temporary- more like a change of clothes.
Psychedelics, particularly Ayahuasca, DMT or changa will show you wonderful things
should you just have the courage to go against authority and popular thinking. There
are reasons these are illegal, but those are not the reasons you believe. You won't think
you can fly after ingesting or smoking, don't worry about that. What will happen is that
you get a profound insight into the way of the universe, and into yourself. Things you
need to change and things you need to address in order to grow and develop into a
better person. What can possibly be wrong with that?
Always that same LSD story, youve all seen it. Young man on acid, thought he could
fly, jumped out of a building; what a tragedy... What a dick, fuck him, hes an idiot. If he
thought he could fly why didnt he take off from the ground first? Bill Hicks
We are in a huge time of accelerated and never-ending change. It has become a
constant and we just need to slow down, take a breath, have a good look around and
think. Use our common sense and figure out what's wrong with the world. It doesn't
take long to figure it out. Money, greed and power. Money truly is the root of all evil;
and that is the best nugget to come out of the bible that's for sure. The economy is in
trouble and money unfortunately at the moment is the lifeblood of the planet. There is
no need for it to be though and the earth needs a transfusion, replace money and greed
with love. Love can save the world. Now I know I've said that before but that is worth

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repeating. If that message is hard to see in this day and age, whats wrong with a little
assistance?
I want to tell you about something else that happened to me the night of my awakening
as it was pretty incredible to say the least. Before settling in to watch the closing
ceremony of the Olympics I popped over to my local Chinese takeaway to get some
dinner. This was about ninety minutes after my vision at an estimate. I was still walking
on air, I still am today, but then I was obviously still really high on life. Someone else
noticed it too, or my aura, this is the best way for me to describe it I think. She was
between six months and a year old I would say. There were two female adults present
and one of them, her mum or an aunt I assume, was teaching her to walk by holding
her hands and walking her along by standing the child up on her adult feet in the waiting
lounge. As soon as I went in she turned her attention to me and positively beamed, and
I'm not just talking a big smile- it was radiant. I smiled back, and she giggled and smiled
even more. After ordering my food I sat opposite in one of their amazing comfy chairs.
She was watching me all the way, never once taking her eyes of me; even as she was
walked off in one direction she turned her head to look at me and as I sat down I smiled
at her again. This time the beam that she returned was so enormous, everyone else
around just stopped with the walking business and started to take more notice of me.
If this had somehow happened the previous day, I would have just shyly looked away
and broken eye contact, but after a quick reassuring smile with the adults, I continued
my exchange with the infant girl. Her whole face was alive with happiness and
curiousity. I felt like I had never seen joy like this. I had just been assured that life was
nothing but wondrous a short while previously. This was reaffirming it wholesale- the
follow up hook after the jab that sent me reeling if you like, not in pain but bliss. At the
time I wasn't aware that energy could transmit as such, but on reflection I know that
was happening. She got a kick out of me, and I her. Something happened anyway,
whether it as her noticing my aura like Ive said or what, I'm not sure. Maybe her vision
hadnt yet been clunked up with enough crap to block the filters that stop us seeing
things not in our day to day spectrum and she saw things that were possibly still
happening in and around my body perhaps? Maybe we all saw like that as a very young
child and just dont remember, before all the conditioning were subjected to takes hold
fully. Im not entirely sure what was happening, I just know that it was exceptionally
profound and amorsome. I could not stop smiling and neither could she, but her smile
came complete with awesome giggles to boot. Her giggling reminded me of that Salvia
trip I mentioned earlier; the sound of pure unadulterated fun and happiness.
It was causing such a consternation that the eldest occupant of the shop, the chef, and
I assume a granddad of the young women, came out from the back to investigate. He
took the girl up in his arms, and attempted to take her attention away from me by giving
her a small woolen pompom ball that he pulled from a calendar on the wall. The girl just
threw it to the floor and continued staring at me, whilst I tried to contain my laughter.
He picked it up and tried again- same response from her but not me. I couldn't help but

laugh out loud this time, which only induced more rapturous giggling from her, which in
turn only set me off even more ad infinitum. . . The old man gave up, put her down and
went back to the kitchen and we carried on laughing and smiling for a couple more
minutes it seemed before it was sadly time for me to go. When I got my food from the
counter there was more talk than usual. I mean I'm always polite and say thank you
very much and good night, but they were interested in me it seemed and even more
hospitable than usual. I soaked up one more smile, and gave my best in return, waved
goodbye to the girl and left, absolutely bursting with joy.
Terence Mckenna once said when asked if you could die on DMT "only if you fear death
by astonishment." Well, the same warning goes for changa and almost dying of life
assuring beauty and love. I know it hasn't moved others as much as it did me but they
weren't in the mess that I was in. The joy I felt was only made more acute by the despair
that had preceded it. I'm sure it can do wonders for people who have no anxiety or
happiness problems too however. It puts you in touch, well it did me, with your spiritual
side.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all
true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer
pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." Albert Einstein

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Chapter six: Bliss

"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to
remain children all our lives." - Albert Einstein

Back to back Bert quotes. The man was a legend after all. He spoke a lot of sense
about a lot of stuff, not just science, of which I know practically nothing. It is because of
that lack of scientific investigations that I have only recently discovered how remarkable
and intelligent a man Einstein actually was in general. One of my favourite Bob Dylan
songs is Forever Young for good reason. Ive never really got time; Ive not yet started
to feel old, nor do I think I ever will. I like the Peter Pan notion if you know what I mean
which is why I love that Einstein quote so much. For sure my childlike innocence is long
gone but the childhood spirit will always remain. As a kid I remember looking up to
adults and thinking about what it must be like to think as, and be an adult. I still wonder.
Its not really about youth and staying young but I wrote a little poem about time recently,
and here seems as good a place as any. . .

Time
Its a funny old thing, a contradiction in terms
Dual natured like the people it so concerns
Can be friend or foe; a gift or a curse
Ally or enemy; ambulance or hearse
Not always been there; an invention of sorts
It withers, bends, decays and distorts
Yet age can show beauty, wisdom and strength
Of course its essential for discussions at length
A revealer of truth; eventually it seems
Both destroyer and the fulfiller of dreams
A lifetime can flash by in seconds
Once its spent there are no refunds
Yet a minute can a lifetime seem
To those caught up in nightmares dream
It must be spent wisely, not frittered away
But that of course is just what some say

Nothing is worth doing though if you ask me

As its then you stop fretting, and just . . . be
No need to fill every waking moment
Make it your friend and not your opponent
Breathe it in like air- take a great big hit
Live for the now and fully embrace it.

August and September 2012 were the best months of my life and nothing really
happened in them, no historic landmark event, personal triumph or success; just sheer
unadulterated bliss. Every waking moment in every day in that period was like
becoming a father, getting married, seeing a wonder of the world, getting laid, and
graduating all rolled into one. Not that I am a dad, I just use it as an example of what
makes somebody extremely happy, generally speaking of course. I havent graduated
either come to think of it but I imagine its a nice experience. I have been married
though, and that was a good day, and I can just about remember what nookie is like,
probably because thats a long term memory now as opposed to short term memory
issues. . . Anyway, sorry, this is serious. . . Well, its entirely the opposite of serious but
hopefully me joking about it wont belittle it is what Im trying to say because it is
important you know how I was feeling. It was like being a very young child rapt in
wonder and awe at the sights and sounds of the world but at the same time having the
benefits that age brings so that I could appreciate it all the more. Pretty damn special
really; idyllic even. I could have been in Wormwood Scrubs and it would have still
seemed like paradise. Nothing worried me. I had not a care in the world.
Everyone I saw noticed a change in me. At work I had already gotten back to the nonsuicidal same old japer that I always was, the depression having long gone, but that
had been more or less the limit of my input into any conversation; just a joke. Now I
was actually engaging with other people properly, no longer thinking about what to say
or worried about the outcome of conversing, no longer mumbling and retreating into
shadows, but just talking, and being "normal" it seemed for the first time in the last 25
years. Well, normal, with a big fucking grin anyways. . . Unless you have experienced
a similar life changing experience I expect it must be quite difficult for you to imagine
how cleansing this is. The phrase born again is the only one that does it any real justice.
To quote one of my ex-colleagues whom I got on particularly well with I went from
someone with the weight of the world on my shoulders to having a kind of aura about
me.
The new found love I had for myself, was being reflected outwards as well. I loved
everything, and everyone it seemed to me. I saw most things in different ways, and
everything in a new light if that makes sense. My ears appreciated music more than
before, food tasted and smelled better. It wasnt just that my senses were sharpened,
there was far more to it than that, the joy that was coursing through my veins also led

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to me being a lot more patient and understanding. I used to always suffer some sort of
mild road rage on the commute to work but someone could cut me up completely and
I would smile rather than shout at them. My face never cracked once into anything
remotely like a frown in two months. I had absolutely no hang ups left and a fresh
positive outlook on everything and everyone.
One thing I do remember noticing particularly isn't exactly a new found, but more a
regained, appreciation for nature. I mean I've always loved nature, being outdoors in
the country, up a mountain, by a lake, wherever, but now, now I had a much deeper
appreciation of it. If people werent about whilst I was on a cigarette break by the lake I
would have been hugging trees I expect. Those cigarette breaks started to pose a real
internal debate, talk with the people outside as I was still making up for lost time in that
department, or just look at the lake and admire the birdlife. Nature usually won as I
could just chat to people in the office whilst working of course, whilst taking a break
from listening to Alan Watts on YouTube. Its okay dont worry, Ive left now and can
say that. Seeing the Canadian Geese arrive from their migration, their numbers growing
daily was great. Some have just had chicks that are so adorable and cute it really is
hard to describe so Ill opt to use a picture.

We have some swans, a heron, coots and ducks too. There is always something to
watch, something to see. Recently I saw the swans doing a mating dance out in the
lake and it was simply stunning, their elegant necks mirroring the others movements

before entwining with each other in a passionate embrace. Muggins didn't have his
phone on him though, it was still by my desk, so I missed the opportunity to film it. For
the first time in my life I was gutted I didn't feel the need for permanent attachment as
is the norm for most these days. Transhumanism? It's already started if you ask me.
Out of the office and back at home the ideas started forming about content for the book,
and who I wanted to help, I scrawled notes all over the shop before I ordered and
received my dictaphone and started to put it to use. Here seems like a good point to
enter the souliloquies from it, or the first batch of them anyway. Apologies for
repeating the first few that were used in the prologue but that was some time ago now
and I think it best to read them in order. Its not just some ploy to get the word count up
honest. If I was worried about word count I wouldnt have gone through and deleted out
all the repeated repeated words would I? That joke probably works best as Im writing
this and can see the red underlining due to the repeated word perhaps but Im leaving
it in- That and the following explanation is at least fifty words. . .
These were recorded from towards the end of August and through September so are
probably the best way to gain insight into how I was feeling at the time rather than me
bang on about how beautiful and amazing everything was. I made several files, the first
contained 28 recordings. Some I just repeated myself more or less so theyve not been
included; please remember the majority of these were recorded in the wee hours of the
mornings. I should have dated and timed them perhaps, but didnt- I told you I dont do
time. Hopefully you will find them amusing if nothing else. This batch was recorded
before I found out about 9/11, slavery, bankers and all that jazz, where I just wanted to
write about problems, spirituality and healing, and help a few bods in doing so. I never
actually really used the dictaphone for what I intended initially which was just to record
bits of information if I saw or read something somewhere, or log the odd random thought
to save me forgetting it. From the moment I listened to the first recording back to check
audio and voice levels the dictaphone became more than just a note taker. I sort of
always knew at the back of my mind that I wanted to try and record my thoughts rather
than just take notes but it wasnt until I heard the second sentence in that first recording
that I knew for sure thats what I had to try and do. I know that probably doesnt make
a hell of a lot of sense at first glance but its what led me into doing the longer and
longer talks or souliloquies. To try and get to the state where what was coming out of
my mouth was what was going through my head. Comprendez? Probably not hrmph.
"Testing testing, 123, life and times of a virtual nobody or whatever the bollocks I'm going to
call it.... You know it feels strange, holding this dictaphone in my hand, not knowing what to
say because I'm actually having to say something and not just think it, yet when I'm thinking I
can never turn my thoughts off"
"So what we got? hmm - Insomniac since 13 since you know what happened, never really slept
properly since then. Only way I can sleep properly through the night is with weed. If I get pissed
I fall asleep but just wake up in the middle of the night, same as with herbal sleeping tablets. I

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could get proper sleeping tablets, but why would you use manufactured in a lab when you've
got a plant that can do it for ya? So that's the way I sleep and manage to sleep through the night.
Being doing that for twenty five years more or less, give or take a bit off time off here and there
when married. What else have I got to record? Oh yeah thought for the day, to use the Batman
quote. I'll have to look it up first as forgotten it, thats the weed and short term memory loss for
you hrmph. It's something to do with it being what we do that defines us. That's what I'm trying
to do now is define my life, begin my life. Life begins at forty, well, thirty-nine ish."
"If you build it they will come. If you write it they will read? Know what I mean? Possibly? Just
got to have a little faith."
"Possible title- my awakening, put for my family and other loved ones; inside the back I could
put about the author... Just put like self-diagnosed with SAD, whatever month it was, let me
think back, dit dit dit, four or five months ago roughly, discovered by reading the bog book.
How I've come to terms with that. How it's helped me knowing about it first of all, as that was
a great start and then lead into getting the changa and the proper awakening, and since then
discovering that I can't lie about anything anymore- there's no point lying. You've got to be true
to yourself about everything no matter what people think of you. And that all the time I've been
hurting myself for no reason even though I'm a hrmph effing good bloke and I love myself
finally, at last. Finally like 38 years you know what I mean? I had to let go forgiven him,
moving on, life begins at forty. Yeah inside the back, self-diagnosed such and such, cured such
and such. I challenge any psychiatrist to argue with my synopsis/diagnosis- whatever you want
to call it."
"Start out through the early years, skip really I suppose to eleven and off to boarding school.
After school deal with like briefly the days round Graham's house, the first raves, first time
fucked up at an after party with Malc and his friends. How the sociaphobia took full hold then."
"Thing with this book is it can be a success. I can do what I want, before I start writing I could
go to college and learn creative writing, though I do think it's the one career, lifestyle or art that
you can have where I don't think you really have to have any proper teachings. I mean look at
Irvine Welsh- hardly a grammatical genius is he? But stone me if he's a compelling, gifted writer.
Got all your stuff Irv, love ya! Well maybe not got all your stuff, but I've read all your stuff- at
least 90% of it anyway. Even if you do have to read some of it twice, three times even; work out
what a jay kit is meant to be, and I'm half Scottish for fucks sake hrmrmph."
"Was losing the photos of the Hyena cubs in Africa fate? If I could have got them printed it
could have gone National Geographic. I mean these photos were stunning. They made the heart
melt. I only remember them vaguely now as I only saw them a few times on the screen. Never

got them printed off; some bugger nicked me camera. But they melted the heart...never to be
seen again."
"English, at sixth form college with Miss Jackson, the famous flirting story. I think there was a
little bit of fate there too, being in a class with only three boys one of them I didn't get on with,
a famous blockbuster contestant hrmph. The other guy Bob, sort of forced into a friendship with
him, and he's one of the dearest and best friends I've ever had. A true gent, salt of the earth. I
don't see enough of him and that's something I have to make amends about."
"When this gets published, I'll finally be able to give up weed as won't have to get up for work,
master of my own destiny which is what everyone wants don't they I suppose. Yeah, so I won't
have to worry about getting up for work. Won't have to worry about being insomniac and having
to smoke to get to sleep.
I like weed; do I actually want to give it up?
"Lay the book out in chapters. Each chapter start with a quote, from a movie or a book, or a
famous figure. Start with telling how you got a problemCrocodile Dundee- (adopts dodgy
Aussie accent) somebody got a problem, they tell Wal, Wal tells Walkabout, soon everybody
knows, no more problem."
(Very excited voice) Finally got the title! After looking at loads of things like Change your life,

leap of faith, all that sort of stuff you know where there are countless books with those titles
already. The idea has become one and all that bollocks hrmph... What's the only way right? The
only conceivable way to call a book something and be sure that it's never been used before?
Make a word up! And funnily enough yesterday I made a word up. All day at work I was busy
telling people how I might be able to make money outa this, like trademark it as a thing. It would
be a great name for an Italian food company for instance. Could be a company or just a brand
of their food, cornetto, a pizza; anything. Anyway, the word is amorsome! Title of the book is
going to be life is amorsome- that's a, m, - what the fuck am I telling myself how to spell it for?
I know how to spell it, I fucking made the word up, but you get what I mean, this is just a note
so you know what you're talking about it when you play it back and you don't sound like a
gibbering fucking maniac hrmph. . . BUT life is amorsome; life and philosophies of a, er, selfdiagnosed, and cured social phobic - thank Q"
"It's taken me a long time to realise that you suffer a lot more from hiding something than you
do by facing up to it; dealing with it."
"Re-write the prologue. Keep some of the stuff you've written obviously use a load, but, um, rewrite, just straight off write to the publishers, and readers, why they have to pick it up in the first

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few lines. Why would they be interested? Anyone who has ever suffered from social anxiety
disorder- 11% of the world, anyone who smokes weed, anyone who takes psychedelics, fellow
psychonauts, anyone who's interested in the mysteries of the universe. I think that's pretty much
everyone so I've got a pretty wide base hrmph. Er, I mean a lot of the information that I'm about
to reveal is out there already. It's just that people don't know about it. The governments try and
keep this sort of stuff quiet I reckon. The more people write about it though, the more people
know about it, and that's what my message is, to spread it. A load of people don't want to know
or choose not to know and go about living their lives, that's up to them. They might write me
off as a David Icke or something, but I know, a load of other people know. There's loads of stuff
out there about it. Alan Watts, I discovered him on YT, he was on the right hand side of the page
when listening to this trance song. It didn't really belong there. Listening to this wonderful
intelligent man who knew a lot about a lot, I was having the same thoughts, essentially, before
cottoning onto him and I saw Shiva or whoever it was and all that symbology and stuff- it's not
chance."
(Okay, best mention here at this stage all I knew about David Icke was that he used to
be a goalie and was ridiculed a bit for coming out and saying he was God. I had no clue
about his theory on the illuminati, lizards or anything like that at this point.)
"We're all just tubes. Well, we're not tubes, we're the beings inside, but we've been born into
this game. A while ago it was thought that it was best that we didn't know we were in the game,
so we're sent to school, to do this to learn that. I mean this is good, as it gets people
communicating and the essence of life is experience, talking to people. I was born, I think, into
my body because I have to realise, as they say in Buddhism, to realise happiness you must know
suffering, To realise how important the extent of this joy can be you have to see the other sidefunky shit huh?"
"We've got to realise that we're all brothers, we all come from the same. . . I'd say sperm but
that's not the right word, we're all cut from the same cloth; we're all brothers. Get the troops out
of Afghanistan, start talking love, peace and compassion. To do that everyone has to realise that
their own religion is pretty much bollocks and that the only religion is one of love. Everyone
has a conscience. Everyone knows what's good or bad because everyone is good and bad. Ying
and yang; you can't have dark without light. Search in your heart and you know it's true.
Everyone is partly schizophrenic hrmph. I know I fucking am. It is all about the battle between
good and evil but it goes on in us, around us . . . and the only worrying thing is if bad wins.
What would happen? It's a good question and I haven't really thought about this yet."
"I'm philosophizin"
"Religion, try not to get into it because it's a messy topic and I don't want to pee people of, but
in a sense everyone is right, if they're getting messages from God or whatever, though it's them
talking to themselves in a way. Right, and whenever they get guidance, like a dictaphone for

instance, or mushrooms, or the shot, anything like that, it's either the other Gods above you
giving you a guiding hand, or it's us leaving message for ourselves in this game of hide and seek
that we play with ourselves; breadcrumbs. . . Watts was a fucking genius. I was led to him
through YT just by watching a trance video. I'd never heard of Watts and I've been listening to
trance videos for years. In its own right that's a little uncanny, why here, why now?"
"It truly is true It truly is true? Well, you know what I mean. To know true joy you have to
first know disappointment or sadness... There is no crest without a trough like Watts says.
Recent example Danny Boyle did it to me in the closing ceremony (okay he might not have been
responsible for the closing ceremony but I thought he was at the time.) Some "Mods" on scooters
came out early to a Who song, but it wasn't The Who singing it but some cover band; I don't
know who it was, I can't remember now but it wasn't fucking Roger. I'm like sheeeeiit, The Who
didn't turn up. My opinion of them didn't dwindle, I mean I still think they're one of the best
bands in the world but I was slightly disappointed. Anyway, it gets to the end of the closing
ceremony and who finishes the show with three songs? The Who! I went nuts you know what I
mean? I was in such a good place anyway; smiley happy faces for hours, that was the best
closing ceremony and the best way to close it because I'd had the initial disappointment of not
thinking The Who were there, the joy was made even more special when I find out they were.
It was a piece of genius Danny, well done. Coincidentally the opening ceremony of the Olympics
was the night of my first changa experience round Darrens. Though I didn't break through then
I had some mad visuals and I felt great still and at the time with Darren it was like this is the
best shit known to man. The closing ceremony happened two weeks later and after I had my
proper awakening as I call it with the Hindu/Shiva being, Aztec tower and stuff where I got told
everything is alright, you are amazing. Now the full extent of the message is dawning on me.
I'm seeing myself, and projections of my own spirit or my being, and the others around me who
are either giving me guidance, or it is me talking to myself...? Yeah that closing ceremony with
everybody smiling, everybody happy, some great music by the best in the business I'm somehow
proud to be English, but Im also proud to be Scottish. Ying and Yang, English Scottish see?
Fifty-fifty. I'm a perfect example of interior conflict hrmph... or I was, I'm not any more. I really
have got to go to fucking bed because it's fucking twenty-five past three; goodnight."
"So Watts has got this theory yeah that everything in the universe can't exist without the other.
A person does not just walk, he walks in relation to the space; it's linked to him. You know what
I mean there's all the theory stuff in there which is slowly starting to sink in on me but all it leads
you into thinking about is... If humans are no more than we think... You know because we've
got an ego we think we're more intelligent than other animals, but in essence because they
survive, thrive... or used to thrive before the introduction of man in their own environment and
with nature taking care of itself before we started trying to boss things about setting up
everything. For instance- water world- let's get dolphins in and get them to do this, to swim
through hoops for our amusement. Alright the dolphin might be happy because you give it fish,
for a little while, but I'm telling you he ain't happy, he's not free, it's not what... it's not his part
in the ecosystem is it? To fucking cheer us up, Jesus Christ, if you want to see dolphins go to
the oceans where they come and see man of their own free will, where at the end of the day they

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can swim off, Mexico, Spain, even Scotland for fucks sake, you know what I mean? Same thing
with zoos you should have to go and see the animals in their own environment. I know what
you'll say- if you release them now they're just going to die. Something will eat them, they're
not savvy because they've been pampered by man in their little cage, and when I say pampered
I mean locked up. Right, it's completely wrong- If I say to you right; you're going to spend the
rest of your life in prison anyway, however long that may be, be it sixty years, seventy years or
whatever. You're locked up, either we let you go now, you might not die now, you have a chance,
there is that chance that you can re-adapt to your environment, nature will let you, or we'll just
leave you in here for the rest of your life. If you were given the choice, surely you'd say sure,
let me out, I'll fucking take my chances. It's what the animals want too you know. Fucking zoos
are wrong.... Yeah, er, what was the point?...If the whole bit about meditation and stuff is to shut
your mind off so you're not thinking then aren't you trying to get into an animal sort of state, so
who is the cleverest?"
"True humour is laughter at oneself basically isn't it? It's always been said I've got a selfdeprecating sense of humour. When asked the question about what I wanted to do... The idea of
life I suppose is to go back to that first thought of doing what you want to do. If you're doing
what you want to do, you're going to become skilled at it, and you're going to earn money from
it as Watts says. When I thought about what I really wanted to do, as a child, you'll never guess
what my answer was. It was a clown, or a jester; that's what I wanted to do, and in essence it's
what I've become I mean. You might say I am an administrator but it's not who I am, it's my job,
not who I am. I've already become who I want to be in essence, funny isn't it? If I can write
about it, and tell people about it and make them laugh, then it's cool I don't mind. There's that
one recent example with the changa. I spent fifteen minutes, well not fifteen minutes, it seemed
like time stretched, but I spent a good few minutes when my closed eye visuals were dimming,
I'd opened my eyes to see the room and observe what was about, but I didn't have any glasses
on. I was lying on my side in a foetal position on my bed and there were these orange symbols,
quite far away it seemed, and the more I strove to concentrate on it, to try and focus to see what
it was it appeared to be getting closer and closer. Now obviously it's not getting closer and
closer, this my hallucinogenic like haze, a combination of that and the lack of glasses, um that
was fading off, so it became clearer rather than closer; more bold. I mean it was definitely orange
but that was the hue, you know what I mean? When I found out that for the last few minutes
that I had been trying to get some sort of message off the digital face of my alarm clock radio,
you know the red old fashioned sort of countdown... well you know, just old fashioned digital
numbers. That it had been that and not some sort of Mayan symbols or something, I just had to
laugh. I was laughing at myself, the irony, everything to do with it and it was fucking funny."
"In relation to Alan Watt's thoughts about dying, and some people die too early through
accidents, but generally you go when the body wants to give up. When it's tired of fighting the
disease anymore. When that comes you will probably welcome it. You will see death as
welcome, rather than something you're scared of all your life-or most people are. It leads me

into thinking, erm, the most important, well... the best (long pause) It's weird. I'm finding it
difficult to describe... Death, how it was shot in one of my favourite films, Into The Wild, Emille
Hirsch playing Joe McCandless or John McCandless, I can't quite remember his name, but er,
he dies, after eating some poisonous berries and getting too weak to go and forage or hunt, well
you can describe it later coz it's fucking half past six in the morning and I'd like another hour
and a half's sleep, anyway, he deserved an Oscar for that scene. I associated with that film a lot,
he had problems with his parents, I didn't have problems there but with other things that made
me want to fight society in a way. I guess I just didn't do it quite like him, I mean I went raving
and he plodded out into Alaska and had the time of his life. I'd like to go camping a lot more,
just stay out in nature, be at one with nature. That's why I love Africa so much, you know what
I mean? In England there are ecosystems that go on and various nature programmes will tell you
that, but I mean it's so small that you can't generally see it going on. But in Africa, elephants,
giraffe's, lions, leopards, rhino's, and there are very little of them left, which Ill get onto later.
Yeah, Africa- you just get to see it all, and it's fucking great. It's the most beautiful place on
Earth, and it's why I want to help its inhabitants who live there, because although they're happy
they don't live that long.
I can maybe see why some people don't agree with medicine and don't have it, I used to think
they were really mad. I mean I don't like taking medicine, I mean nobody does, it tastes like shit
doesn't it? Well anyway, goodnight."

"And we won't give it a name....because it'd be daft hrmph"

Does everyone think at some stage in their life that erm, am I the only person that is like this?
You know what I mean? That you feel different from everyone else. I had that for a long time,
really badly, but because I was also worried about what people thought of me, I didnt let it
show to anybody. I did that good a job, well I think I did, of acting, that nobody really knew you
know what I mean? And as Ive been telling people about it this everyone has looked at me with
a very strange face . . . nobody knew.

Okay, so those were my first waffles; as you can see I tend to talk a lot of shite
sometimes. I thought I would include them as is, for some much needed humour if
anything else. It is difficult attempting to make people laugh when you have nothing to
bounce off, or comment on spontaneously as is my forte generally, and as mentioned
several times already, I'm happy enough to take the pee out of myself to do it. You
know what I mean? Sorry, that one was just a joke, its only on typing these recordings
out that Ive noticed how often I say that, and am actually wondering whether its
anything to do with my part as Young Elvis as a kid. I dont know, perhaps hes my dark
passenger? Hrmph - I like you Mark, always have, always will Sorry, back on track.
. . I really want to do some past life regression sometime soon. As well as a few other
ideas of lives I may have already mentioned or will get to later, I have a sneaking

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suspicion that I may well have been a court jester at one time. (This is just another mad
theory of mine, that what you want to do, or particular animals you like for instance, is
what you have been before in a prior life but its just a theory.) Hopefully they also
illustrate how hard this has been for me to get this book out there. It was, and probably
still is a little in parts, all over the place, but its just a reflection of the author. My mind
jumps about like a cat on a hot tin roof.
I'd like to spend a little time here talking about Alan Watts as by now you could probably
tell I was taking heed of this wonderful mans opinions, thoughts, wisdom and advice.
During the first few months after my experience I read a few of Alans books as well as
listening to more or less every talk I could find on YouTube. He truly was an inspiration
to me. Watts talked about the mysterious and spirituality in a wonderfully eloquent way;
he was a true wordsmith. He is a pleasure to listen to as well as read. You can almost
feel the excitement and joy at doing what he loves in his voice as he talks rather than
just hear it. He never prepared for any of his lectures but is the most gifted speaker I
have had the pleasure of listening to. He had a wonderful sense of humour and wicked
laugh to complete the package- if only I had stumbled across him sooner. I won't go
into too much detail, or repeat his words too much, rather give enough insight as to the
topics he discussed to instil some interest for you to research him and what he spoke
or wrote about. I somehow managed to go thirty eight years without hearing of him, so
it's likely you haven't either. Indeed, of my friends to whom I mentioned him, none had
heard of him whatsoever. Again, there is a reason for this, and it's because he spoke a
lot of sense. He spoke about the stuff they don't want you to hear about. Its no
coincidence however that most people who are into psychedelics have indeed heard of
him. Maybe I would have heard of him if Id studied philosophy at college perhaps but
I didnt. When I was young I tended to think philosophy was hardly going to provide a
career you know? How could you get paid to think? I thought philosophers died out with
Socrates and Plato and that studying those guys in the modern age would be about as
useful as Latin
My introduction to Watts was "coincidental" as alluded to in those dictaphone entries.
Shortly after my awakening, I was listening to some trance music at work on YT, when
I noticed an Alan Watts video on the right hand side of the screen. Curious as it seemed
out of place I investigated and stumbled across this most wonderful philosopher. Mere
chance? Just a coincidence? I don't think so, the stuff I would learn from Alan ties in
exactly with how and why I'm here writing this. I was already convinced about a lot of
things; Alan provided sound theory and knowledge gained from experience to back up
the ideas he discussed and the theories milling around inside my head. I listened to
many of his lectures whilst at work, totally enraptured by this amazing man, and literally
hanging on his every word. (At the time the job I had was not too demanding.) He is
known for bringing Eastern philosophy to the West and tried to explain mans role in
the universe as a unique expression of the total universe, and interdependent on it. I
had thought about trying to summarise his translation of Eastern philosophy for you,

and some parts I will discuss, but I urge you to read or listen to the man himself. Nearly
everything he said made sense to me in one way or another.
Watts believed that we are caught up in a game of hide and seek played with God, or
indeed that we are God caught up in a game of hide and seek with ourselves, and after
the experience I had this made sense to me. This is a theory or belief that cannot really
be summarised briefly however as its quite deep but stems from the belief that God is
in everything; the grass, the sky- nature is the mother. The reasoning behind this game
of hide and seek is essentially to stop God getting bored. If youre interested in learning
more than I can whole heartedly recommend The Book; on the Taboo Against Knowing
Who You Are by Alan. He explains it all brilliantly.
Of the people I've spoken to, both in person and online. In the office, with my
colleagues, and amongst friends, some new and some old, none have been aware of
this, the biggest of illusions. I found it very hard to try and explain Watts' theories and
beliefs. I dont know of anyone of my close circle of friends and family that really
understands the deeper spiritual aspect of stuff. I dont understand it all by any means,
but to me, the biggest single aspect of the wider topic is now clear. Its not crystal clear
in that I know every minute and finer detail that there is to know, but I know enough to
know, and not just firmly believe that when this body dies I, whoever or whatever I am
or is, will live on. Id stake my life on it.
Most people have had it drummed into them their whole life that theyre nothing more
than insignificant specks, here to get what they can out of life before they wither away
and decay, so its pretty hard to convince them theyre God really, or shards of God at
least. I mean Im not even 100% certain of it myself, but its a theory I hold in good
stead, lets put it that way. I dont know for sure but its what I chose to believe you
know? It makes sense to me. Perhaps it makes more sense to tell people that God is
them, rather than they are God Is there a difference? Six of one and half a dozen
really isnt it? Not so much a difference perhaps but one does carry a slightly higher
potential for megalomania possibly. At least to those who still carry the belief that God
sits on a cloud somewhere controlling everything, firing the old thunderbolt around and
crying to make it rain. When I say that they, you and I are God I mean it in the sense
that God is in everything and were all one, not that you are the personal master of
creation okay?
Alan also talked about how life is another illusion of sorts to most, and that there was
more to life than your career. That we have essentially been tricked or deluded by the
media and constant advertising, and the thirst and desire for progress and to consume.
He warned that if youre not careful basically you can go get so obsessed with chasing
the next step on the ladder, whatever that may be, promotion, or even heaven after
youre dead, to use his words, that you may be in dire danger of missing out on what
life has to offer.
And we simply missed the point the whole way along. It was a musical thing, and you
were supposed to sing, or dance, whilst the music was being played. Alan Watts.

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Alan also talked about the Vedanta, the Upanishads, and about the Buddha and the
quest for enlightenment. After having an experience like I had and seeing the deity or
Buddha type being I put a lot of stock in what Watts had to say, and having no real
prior understanding of that philosophy I listened fervently. Because I had had that
glimpse into another world, to hold that conversation, I firmly believed in everything I
learnt from him- namely that we are capable of so much more as human beings than
we give ourselves credit for, primarily due to the fact that its what she told me; that I
was capable of anything, and that we are indeed much more than we are led to believe.
I came to see the true interconnectedness of all things. It wasnt that I needed any reaffirmation or such-like after the wonderful experience I had; more that the deeper
understanding of the principles behind the philosophies exacerbated all the feelings of
joy that were running amok within me. I didnt need it, but I sure did appreciate it.
Coincidence that I found Watts when I did? Methinks not.
"Almost every spiritual tradition recognises that a point comes when two things must
happen: man must surrender his separate-feeling "I," and must face the fact that he
cannot know, that is define the ultimate. These traditions also recognise that beyond
this point there lies a "vision of God" which cannot be put into words, and which is
certainly something utterly different from perceiving a radiant gentleman on a golden
throne, or a literal flash of blinding light. They also indicate that this vision is a
restoration of something we once had, and "lost" because we did not, or could not
appreciate it. This vision is, then, the unclouded awareness of this indefinable
"something" which we call life, present reality, the great stream, the eternal now - an
awareness without the sense of separation from it." - Alan Watts- The Wisdom of
Insecurity.
The following chapter includes this on the subject
"This applies particularly to the problem now before us. How are we to heal the split
between "I" and "me," the brain and the body, man and nature, and bring all the vicious
circles which it produces to an end? How are we to experience life as something other
than a honey trap in which we are the struggling flies? How are we to find security and
peace of mind in a world whose very nature is insecurity, impermanence, and
unceasing change? All these questions demand a method and a course of action. At
the same time, all of them show that the problem has not been understood. We do not
need action-yet. We need more light."

This book was first published in 1951. What incredible foresight and intellect this truly
wonderful man had. We need more light. It is as simple as that. The only difference is
that now we do need action, and quickly. Hence me writing this; this is my way of
helping illuminate. I am surprised, but not shocked at the amount of people still in the
dark as it were. I'm not shocked as I was myself not so long ago

There is a sort of tenuous link here between the two types of awakening, spiritual and
worldly, and what Watts talks about in parts. I said earlier that I agreed with most of the
stuff that Alan discussed. He said in The Book- On the Taboo Against Knowing Who
You Are that he didn't think that the illusion painted over society today was to do with
the fat American corporations or bankers, and this is where I disagree with him because
of what I found out in subsequent months. I believe it is everything to do with the fat
bankers, corporations, government and secret societies. Maybe they didnt start the
illusion but they do everything in their power to perpetuate and profit from it. In his time
he didnt have the advantage of the internet, or Im sure he would have done too. If
Watts had been alive when the coups in Chile and Argentina, then 9/11, 7/7, and
subsequent invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan took place, and with whats going on in
Syria, Iraq, Africa, Afghanistan, Gaza and the Ukraine now, then Im absolutely positive
there would be no doubt in his mind.
This was when my early writing took a back seat as I was shocked at what I was starting
to find out about our society and the people who run it. I will get to my brief covering of
those issues in time, but for now I want to stick to spirituality, philosophy and
psychedelics. However, I just want to stress that because I had the spiritual awakening
first it became a lot easier for me to accept and understand the latter revelations,
because I already knew that they have actively sought to keep us from knowing who
we truly are. The they wouldnt do that attitude that most carry automatically as a
result of years of brainwashing had already been severely weakened. I did not have
the cognitive dissonance that Im generally met with when I attempt to explain these
matters to people.
Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very wrong. When they are presented
with new evidence that works against that belief, they cannot accept it. It would create
a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable called cognitive dissonance. And because it
is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalise, ignore and even deny
anything that doesnt fit in with the core belief. Frantz Fanon.
I just want to elaborate a tiny bit more before moving on, partly because that cognitive
dissonance applies to both aspects of awakening. later on, when I watched the 9/11,
slavery, and banking related documentaries I was more open to the fact that maybe,
just maybe, they are capable of those things, and that they are indeed doing these
things to us, because I was already aware that there was some sort of programme in
place that keeps us in the dark about who we actually are. You know- that programme
called religion? I wasn't in the deepest darkest corner of the dark, more on the edge of
the light in the shadows. What I mean here is that it didn't take much for me to believe
what I'm telling you. I was already aware something wasn't quite right for a long time, I
just wasn't sure what it was, and I quickly settled back into the routine of work, play,
work, play, and let it bubble away under the surface. When I say not right here, I mean
I had inklings that there was a lot more to life and indeed death then the general
consensus of opinion due to earlier experiences with magic mushrooms as well as
salvia. To be convinced in the way I was, to hold a conversation with a deity, dragged

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me into the light with an incredibly gentle pull. I'm still not exactly sure who I was
speaking to. I just know that they were real, and incredibly loving. They were love itself,
which is what we all should aspire to be.
I really am not researched or learned enough to talk about spirituality in any detail or
depth as yet, though it is something I plan to research and have been researching a lot
more obviously. I have stayed away from religion as much as possible throughout
because I know virtually nothing on that subject either and as mentioned I don't want
to bash peoples belief systems. I want to get you onside so I won't say which religion,
if not all of them, is right or wrong. I'm sure if you try Ayahuasca or DMT that your view
on religion will change let me put it that way. These substances let you in on secrets
that others have been hiding from you, or lying to you about. They will show you things
that make you question the common beliefs that most hold dear. However in this little
section dedicated to one of my heroes I would like to tie it up with a quote from a talk
regarding the bigger picture of who you are.
You are something that the whole universe is doing in the same way that a wave is
something that the whole ocean is doing. The real you is not a puppet which life pushes
around; the real deep down you is the whole universe. So then, when you die, youre
not going to have to put up with everlasting non-existence because thats not an
experience. A lot of people are afraid that when they die theyre going to be locked up
in a dark room forever and sort of undergo that. But one of the most interesting things
in the world- and this is yoga, this is realisationtry and imagine going to sleep and
never waking up. Its one of the great wonders of life, but if you think long and hard
about that something will happen. You will find out, among other things, that it will pose
the next question to you. What was it like to wake up having never gone to sleep; that
was when you were born. You see you cant have an experience of nothing; nature
abhors a vacuum. So after youre dead the only thing that can happen is the same
experience, or the same sort of experience as when you were born. In other words we
all know very well that after people die other people are born and theyre all you; only
you can experience it one at a time. Everybody is I, you all know youre you and
wheresoever beings exist throughout all galaxies it doesnt make any difference you
are all of them, and when they come into being thats you coming into being, you know
that very well. Only you dont have to remember the past in the same way as you dont
have to think about how you work your thyroid gland or whatever else it is in your
organism. You dont have to know how to shine the sun; you just do it, like you breathe.
Doesnt it really astonish you that you are this fantastically complex thing, and youre
doing all this and you never had any education in how to do it; never learned that youre
this miracle Alan Watts
Like I say, these few extracts alone wont explain it all to you, theyre just meant as
indicators or my own set of breadcrumbs for you to follow. Look him up, and trust me,
you wont be sorry you did, or if you want to find out truths for yourself, then you know

what Im going to say the best method is right? During this time period I was also
obviously interested in finding out more about the origins and history of DMT and
Ayahuasca, so I started listening to Terence Mckenna lectures alongside those of Alan
Watts. Terence was another very intelligent man with wonderful intentions, who has
also sadly now passed away, and is someone you cannot fail to bump into when
researching DMT and Ayahuasca. I insert a quote below which also refers to God and
backs up my belief that the answers to our problems lie in the field of psychedelics.
"It appears to be the end. There is light at the end of the tunnel. The problem is that
light is at the back of your mind and if you don't go to the backside of your mind you will
never see the light. Once you see it, then the task becomes to empower it in yourself
and other people. Spread it as a reality. God did not retire to the seventh heaven. God
is some kind of lost continent in the human mind and if we will but explore the human
mind we can reclaim these relationships with our own authenticity and shed the
childishness of historical existence and move onto the real business of establishing a
real civilisation" - Tree of knowledge 1992.

If someone has said it better before, then why try and top it? Terence sums up perfectly
what I aim to get across which is that psychedelics can save the world. Other people
have thought that too of course, and that's because it really is true; now more so than
ever. We are at a precipice, of that there is absolutely no doubt. I don't think I need to
persuade any of you about that: well maybe some- and that brief section is coming
shortly for those that may need it. What I want to try and convince you of is that it can
be a time for something so wonderful that words truly couldn't describe it. In this case
they couldn't because it has never happened before; at least not in our minimalist
history. I want to convince you that we are indeed in, or almost upon a golden age, and
not at the end of the line. The more of us that believe that the better as I do believe that
what we do, think and feel influences our surroundings.
Everything is connected and I had it shown to me in such a wonderful way. Take a
moment and think, think about how in your own personal situations when you have felt
off the ball, when you're moody or unhappy. Was that not the same for the general
atmosphere or ambience also? Yet when you're really happy, everyone else shares in
your joy. We all feed off each other as we're part of the same energy force that is the
universe. It's easy to feel bleak in the current climate. War, terrorism, the economy,
global warming, rising fuel and food prices all are things that could make you down in
the dumps. That negative energy flows out of you into the "field". Try and look on the
other side of things, without global warming we may not have had a global warning,
and rising fuel costs mean less fuel used. I know we all have to get to work at the
moment, but soon we either won't need cars or they will be run by the sun. "Where
we're going we don't need roads" could always also be a possibility, eventually, or quite
soon, who knows? War and terror are initiated on purpose, and once enough of us
realise this, and understand that we all are one, then where is the need for fighting?
Surely only a fool would hurt themselves on purpose. Once you realise we are all one

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then it becomes an obsolete option. To make things better we have to believe they will
be better, we have to remain as positive as possible. Spread the love man, release your
inner hippy.
The other really poignant part of that quote, is that once you have seen the light, the
task becomes to empower it in yourself and others, which is of course what I'm trying
to do by writing this.
I will chat more about Terence a little later but to branch this and the next chapter I think
its time for another set of souliloquies. With the dreaded December 21st and the end
of the world looming some are centred around that of course. Most of these in this
second folder were recorded in November and December, with the last one or two
possibly being recorded in January or February, not sure. Not really related to
conspiracy, but recorded in the time span when I started to look into it all and they all
sort of show how my mind often jumps from one subject to the next as shown in the
first batch. By now I knew about 9/11 and the war machine I just didnt talk about them
on the dictaphone as there are so many details needed and Im pretty scatty at best.
These chats start with my revelations about Nibiru or planet X. I had seen a lot of videos
earlier on that had gotten me thinking about possible apocalypse on the 21st December
tying in with the end of the Mayan calendar. "leaked" NASA videos and crop circle ones
that pointed at that date. Watching these and a lot concerning ancient civilisations and
their structures I began to worry at one point. It seemed that we were being left
messages. However, as time passed my worries about possible apocalypse turned to
scepticism, and then disbelief of course. When the supposed end of the world was due
I was on the M25 enroute to my parents for Christmas. Not the best place in the world
to witness the end of it all really is it? For people not familiar with English roads, the
M25 is the circular motorway that surrounds London. It is often referred to as the UKs
biggest car park.
"Right, I've got a new folder, starting B because although I've just listened to a load of the stuff
in A and it's made me chuckle so a load of it's going in. But yeah a new folder, for a new title
for the book. I have my third new title. Erm I'm probably going to have to rewrite a load of the
stuff I've done apart from the bits I've done on the autobiography because that's not going to
change but erm, yeah I no longer think we're going to die. I think Nibiru is a scam released by,
I dont know whether to call these TPTB for the powers that be, or the men behind the curtain,
or fuckin Illuminati, or just ****s, but for now, for the shortness, I'm just going to call them
****s right. Hang on, spliffs gone outRight, well yeah, it's a plot, a big ploy, a scheme,
and if you think that this is like a joke I'll take you through some of their other schemes later
because they're all transparent, but this one. They're releasing information about Nibiru, and
they're releasing it as sort of like a leaked thing, and oh yeah, and this information was leaked
by a CIA or NASA insider and he's probably been shot by now for releasing it- so it seems more
real Nibiru in short, is not coming. They're releasing leaked bits of news that it's coming to

create fear and panic and negative energy for one. But to get people to sell their houses, this is
what I think, and I honestly think this is true, to sell their houses"Anyone who lives within
one hundred miles of the coast is toast" as they've been saying. It's going to get to the stage
where obviously people will start panicking and as December looms and the fateful 21st looms
ever closer, they're going to take whatever they can get for them, and then the ****s are going
to buy 'em. Then when December 21st goes passes by without a problem you know what I mean,
they just sell them again for whatever they were worth, much like they did with stock in and
around 9/11 I'm sure. Well they sold all their stock when it was high, fucking bottom falls out
the stock market because of their fake terrorism act and they buy it all back, and watch it grow.
I mean they've got more money than they can shake every fucking stick in the world at, but they
still want more, because they're greedy ****s. yeah I'm just going call them ****s because it
suits them better than anything else... Oh yeah, so title of the book in inverted commas "I" cannot
save the world, maybe "IT" can, meaning you've got to shed the ego to save the world, realise
we are the world and save ourselves. Right it's twenty past three, recording one done. Captains
log stardate hrmph bish bosh bosh."
"Recording two, but just a couple of minutes later. . . Christ I've actually forgotten what I just
clicked on to record... Oh yeah, that's it. You've got to look at the coastal geography of America
really. I've never been to America, save an hour at LAX, but forgetting that for a second you've
got to look at the coastal geography and see where all these rich Hollywood, and sports stars,
all these rich people with all their money, and see where they live, because I've got a feeling,
right it makes sense doesn't it, well I know in the UK properties on the coast cost a lot more
so they're spamming this Nibiru stuff like I say to get people to sell their houses. I bet some of
that property in LA, Miami, all the coastal property yeah? How much do you think it's worth..?
Stardate? It's the fucking 4th November, twenty-eight minutes past three. That's it for the day,
see ya tomorrow; that it's for the night even; night- night."
"Like animals evolve over time, to erm, be able to better withstand their own surroundings and
threats; the predators... we have to develop ourselves. With humans and the way we think, our
armour if you like, is our bullshit detector. I mean a Hippo needs thick skin to deflect another
Hippo's huge jaws and teeth when they fight each other. You seem them scarred, but first off
they will try and avoid battle by sizing up each others jaws, and when they can't avoid it, they
fight. It's much the same with us and bullshit detectors. What bullshit do we need to deflect?
hrmph ,well, there's a hell of a lot of it. Detect or deflect? Well, we need to detect and then
deflect the bullshit don't we? Sift your way through the mass media controlled load of tripe that
hits us. I mean who controls the media.... I don't want to start sounding like a broken record but
it's getting that way isnt it?"
"YouTube whilst brilliant is also dangerous. It's like, er, the waters of the Okavango Delta to
the local fishermen; you know what I mean? The Lhotse people...they know that the best fishing
is near the Hippo's, because the Hippo's shit out all the shit into the river, in the shallows or
wherever they are, and the fish come to eat the shit coz of the nutrients. So, for the fishermen to

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have a better chance of catching fish, they have to get close to the danger of the Hippo's to do
it. Danger reaping rewards, well YouTube is a bit like that. The information is like the fish, you
have to know how to fish the waters, and deflect the bullshit that's out there, get what you need
and get out safe."
"The Earth's no longer changing us, we're changing the Earth; we've stopped evolving haven't
we? It's been however many thousands of years since we took that next step because of the
controls that have been put upon us, that keep us all separate, so that certain people can have
their way, and the Earth is suffering as a result. We've got to evolve now, you know what I
mean? Not change the earth, well we will change the Earth if we evolve, just by looking after
ourselves and by doing things the right way the Earth will respond to that, because we're
connected. Yep, that's about it."
"Not that I usually watch the news, it was on after The Chase, I dozed off and just woke up and
it was on. I just heard, and this by the way is after this news coverage about Rooney... Rooney
didn't make the team... is he going to leave Man United and all that bollocks. This is news over...
that came on before, before David Scameron had been accused of his benefit cuts and cuts in
government spending not helping, after he's been saying that this was the best thing for the
country, you got his own personal advisor saying no, it's not and basically accusing him of lying,
and that's all they said, they dealt with that in about two seconds, after five minutes of Rooney
hrmph, and then they have another five minutes about Bieber losing his cool...and then... and
this is the best bit, this honestly... it cracked me up. They're talking about Syria, and they have
a quote from Tony Blair who comes on and says, oh fuck, what did he say? This is why I wanted
to grab the fucking dictaphone and record in the first place so I don't forget it...hang on...he said
"The situation in Syria is disintegrating, where is the outrage?" Hrmph-Whhyyyy the fuck is it
disintegrating? Could it be because we're arming the rebels and causing the fucking war? The
only outrage he probably feels is that they might not get their precious war Im sure."
"Okay so what am I thinking? The Powder quotes, Powder was a great film...and again there's
a little bit of synchronicity involved in me seeing that... I got home from work on Friday,
intending to do some work but I was a little bit tired, er, so I decide to just go over and see Frank
and Trish and spend an evening chatting, get a decent nights sleep and then knuckle down on
the work tomorrow. Turns out tomorrow night, well I've got tomorrow afternoon to work before
going out at five to meet Don for a beer, see Don who I haven't seen in ages, so I may not be
able to write in the evening, but anyway, what was I thinking? Extend the prologue, keep the
first bit as is but extend it, explaining how... what I'm going to do with the discussion about the
problems at the end. Extend all the little sorta autobliowah abppp be per.. therwerblebbluh....
all the autobiogophal bits. How do you say that? All the autobigraphical bits...for fucks sake
give up, sort them out a little bit, maybe put in some more photo's, like the one jumping in the
freezing cold water, just to show that some of the stuff I've done is true, that the stories, not
stories, stories is a bad word... The things that I'm telling you are true, well the things about me

anyway, the stuff that hasn't happened to me I just believe to be true. I can further extend on the
synchronicity, how I'm meant to be seeing these things that make me approach things in different
ways a little bit. I know I have to be a bit more tactful now, and in that way I have to pay attention
to the little proverb in the fortune cookie, be tactful, spell it out nicely, gently, do the
autobiography- yey said it bit in sections, and try and elaborate on the August and September
months, and just you know on the feelings of love and joy and happiness that I felt then. I've got
to try and put that into words, and it's going to be difficult but Ive got to do it."
"Yeah mention about trying to make, at the start obviously, go on a little bit there about the
groups of people out there, the truthers, the believers, the theorists, the totally awake, how the
majority of people I've spoken to just don't think that the government are in some sort of scam.
They might not want to kill us, I don't think they do want to kill us all, but if they do want to
start world war three, and that is beeping looking like a possibility...I'm not saying it's going to
happen as thoughts make things, I'm just saying it's a possibility and I'm worried about it
happening, I don't think it will coz I think we can stop it, somehow, hopefully. But I don't
think they want to kill us, but they do want to take all our money out of our pockets and keep us
in despair, and, well, as slaves yeah... and it can't happen, so obviously talk about it from the
point of view that's going to be interesting to both sides. Make the people want to hear it, or read
it, without being in their face and putting 'em off you know what I mean? That's how I've got to
be tactful, I've got to keep 'em on my side as though I'm their friend. Well, I am their friend,
they are me, I am them... try and do it for them and not, well it should be clear I'm not doing it
for myself, I'm only going to charge a pittance for the book, erm, and yeah, but still, for the
people that know everything, obviously I'm not going to know everything, but for the people
that do, what am I on about? Branching off onto two subjects sometimes, but yeah, but because
of what I saw I'm seeing things clearer now. I know this to be true. I mean I don't know all the
details of all the cases; I don't know if the Queen is involved in the kidnapping and disappearance
of all those kids in Canada which she's being charged for. I don't know if...well I don't know
who else, apart from Jimmy Saville and fuckin Cyril Smith, who's been messing with kids but I
know there's a fucking lot. Theres no smoke without fire and people are getting investigated
and hopefully be held accountable if found guilty in a court....if they're not tried in a fuckin
secret court anyway... We can live in a world, well a world of just love if we just realise who
and what we are."
"So where am I now? I'm in the bath, physically speaking, don't worry the dictaphone is not
attached to any socket- it's batteries and I'm pretty sure that won't kill me if I drop it in the bath.
Like I say I'm not a scientist but I'm pretty sure on that one. But yeah, where I am now is... I'm
at an impasse, I'm just really struggling to know what to do for the best, and I suppose I should
maybe consult some people and ask them, but I want this to be my own work, with my own
personal stamp. And that's another reason why I'm thinking about not including any conspiracy
stuff at all. Another reason leading me that was is the most recent fortune cookie message which
said, hang on let me remember it, it's in the lounge and I'm in the bath as stated so what the fuck
did it say? Whadid say, whadid say, whadid say...Oh yeah, basically don't repeat the same
mistake you've made before. You know what I mean, that's pretty ambiguous isn't it? I know
you're going to say most of them are, but they can be relevant. These things are more than just

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star signs ambiguity that could be relevant to anyone because the last one the other week with
the take a trip overseas to enlighten yourself came after coming back from the 'Yuasca retreat
and that's either go to Peru to get a proper dose in the right setting- in the original settings, and
maybe it will work there, or it relates to Ozora and going overseas and helping with
enlightenment....partying/enlightenment...over there. Erm, yeah but that one with don't make the
same mistake ...I was thinking earlier that when I had to take the book down, the original version,
that ....it was because I didn't put a price tag on it. Now I'm thinking was the mistake mean
because my initial intention with the book, obviously when I decided to try and write about stuff
I hadn't even got into the conspiracy stuff then. I didn't know about it, I wasn't aware of it in any
way, shape or form. I thought 9/11 was Bin Laden and his buddies...I thought, well you know
what I mean, I thought the Royal family, although a bit eccentric and extravagant weren't
actually evil. I thought that politicians, although greedy and generally stupid, were...
trustworthy.... I was wrong about so much stuff. Ok there's the fiddling of expenses I was aware
of, but I didn't know there was a cross party cabal that's for sure, and that they're in bed with the
bankers. I rarely watched the news and never bought a paper but it was because it's generally
depressing and I was low enough anyway, not that it would have been covered there of course.
At that time I wasn't aware there was a need for alternative media... But I've found my writing
on those subjects is very disjointed at the moment. Currently it's in there in little bits, indicators,
just trying to get people who aren't aware, aware, and I think I will leave it in in one form,
somehow because it's been part of my life, and thats the way I've told this storyBut erm, yeah,
you know what I mean? Just babble David Gray did a song called Babylon, about the city... I
was thinking the same thing, just babble on hrmph, it's the only way I can properly get myself
into the book, because when I'm writing I have to stop to think about what to write, it doesn't
just flow. I'm writing stuff down and I'm chopping and changing it, editing it, making it go blah
blah blah, and it's not really...me. Well, it is me, because it's about me, and I wrote it... but it
would be more me if it was just me talking. Does that make sense?
"One problem with that last bit is if I just babble on for YT, I won't be able to remember the
names of the people I've had to change so that could be a problem for one. Another would
be...yeah I'm just likely to mention stuff I shouldn't so that's enough of a reason not to do it. If I
do the soliloquy route I'll just type it out, sod the YT thing, I've got a pretty boring voice anyway,
well I used to think it was, but listening back to it now you know what I mean my tones going
up and down, it's changing all the time, I'm no longer mumbling like I used to so maybe it is
getting more interesting. (Speaks dead posh-) Maybe I am learning to speak... who knows, but
erm... yeah."
"So yeah, thinking of settling on autobiography stroke soliloquy with a few brief chapters on
conspiracy with stuff like banking, 9/11. 7/7 I suppose for the UK side of things, Woolwich,
Boston... Woolwich I'm not sure about yet, but there's all sorts immediately that is certainly
fishy about it, possible links to MI5, the lady with the cart, the editing in general, the knife etc.
etcbut they've certainly got what they wanted with people burning mosques and stuff, if that

wasn't agents doing that them-flipping-selves, who knows. Erm, Boston, yeah anyone who takes
a quick look at Boston with the photos with the fake blood, the flipping Craft guys with the
matching backpacks, and then missing backpacks later on, and two of those three Craft guys at
least were the first response cops into Sandy Hook school? Possibly all three but definitely two
of them were, then if you look at all that, oh yeah and the photos of one of the brothers at arrest
and afterwards what happened there...The practice of the police state lockdown to find one
man... If you look at all that and think that the government aren't involved, I don't want to call
you a fool but you really need to take a good look in the mirror and examine yourself and wonder
why you can't see the blinkers that you have on, because it's just as simple as that. It really
isOh, and the two feds, or two of the feds involved in the brothers arrest, fell out a helicopter
the next week. What happens in a conspiracy? I watched Shooter the other week and noted this
quote when the guy, can't remember his name, says that "in a conspiracy all the loose ends are
tied up," some other bloke says to him "Bad things happen to good people"... Yeah, but not
that quickly." And that's relevant here isn't it you know what I mean? I can understand feds
falling out of helicopters in training every now and then, I think the last time was 1986 or
something like that but don't quote me on it, but a week after? Considering they were involved,
considering all the evidence as well? Everybody knows Boston was staged, or anybody who
takes the time to look outside the mainstream media does anyway. Look at the Bilderberg event
and how that's been covered; you got a press liaison thing going on and the buzz word is
transparency, hrmph... Will they tell you what they were talking about? Will they fuck! You
know what I mean, hrmph, you got politicians in there, and former politicians in important
positions in the private sector, royalty from some places, Beatrix someone or other, Potter, who
knows. All the other guests are bankers, or CEOs of huge influential corporations. Now why
are those people meeting in private to discuss something? We have governments, or we're meant
to have governments that make decisions about our future. These governments are meant to be
acting in the interest of the people. People want to know what you're talking about with these
CEO's and bankers and if you're not going to tell us....(sigh.) If you're not going to tell us, then
we're going to get different people to do your jobs. That's the way it should be. It's all suss as
fuck. Shadow fucking governments."
"Oh yeah, brief section, in the autobiography, explain that it won't all follow chronologically
with everything as the 'Yuasca retreat was after some parts of the conspiracy stuff. Then
elaborate on the Ayahuasca stuff, as that's what the book is mainly about, and then that in turn
will help people see the picture that the powers that be- or werewell, be at the minute, that
paint for you is not what its about... and remember to mention about the geese, not the geese at
work, but the ones on Earthflight, as I know a lot of people don't watch BBC. I don't anymore
now but, anyway, these geese were raised by a human from birth- he was the first thing they
saw. It was all done so they will be used to him flying next to them in his microlite tracking their
migration path...That's all they knew, because he's brought them up since hatching they're
looking at him as their mum. They don't know anything else. We're the same, when you were
born you were born into a system that has been indoctrinated for flipping hundreds of years,
thousands of years. Don't blame yourself for falling into it you know what I mean? That
goose....if the geese can do it we can do it, it's happened to all of us, well not all of us, as some

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people have been raised differently but they're rare as rocking horse poo really. They know we're
part of everything and not separate from it, but erm, who are the other people that know other
than those who have taken drugs? I watched a short documentary, or a video clip the other
day about the overview effect, astronauts...seeing the Earth from space. They went up for other
stuff obviously but that was what struck them most about their missions, seeing the Earth from
space. It was poignant, how beautiful it is, I mean you can see it in photo's but imagine watching
it, night to day and dawn rising over the world, wow, well watch the video, it's on my FB page,
but I can't tell you who I am so that's not much good really hrmph.. As well as realising how
truly beautiful our planet is, they realise the Earth is a speck, just like us, everything is specks
but nothing is insignificant...all the specks are part of the whole and we're not separate from
everything. They said it's akin to like a spiritualistic or medititiv, meditatattiv,
meditvhfwhuver... a session of meditation, lets just put it that way... Yeah, so that's a way you
can become spiritually aware, if you don't want to take the drugs, or devote yourself to
meditation, if you don't want to sort your diet out and stop drinking fluoridated shit, and caffeine,
and eating chocolate, sweets, sugar, artificial sweeteners, and all of that stuff, processed food,
frozen food, junk food, if you don't want to or you can't stop all that and clean your body out
and go for it properly, and you don't want to take the drugs... that's all that acid does is I think
by the way is, Aldous Huxley said something about this and I agree with him. All it does is put
a temporary block, a little thingy, that stops your mind and body being attacked by all the crap
for a little while. Well, it's not all it does, but thats its most important factor- possibly...People
think you take acid and that's what sends you all woooooaaah, but no I think its not your
natural state obviously, but it's probably a lot closer to it than we are with all the toxins that are
in us. Will the world look different if you can cleanse your body? I mean I'm finding it hard, the
other week I was on that diet before the retreat and the few days whilst there but I didn't keep it
up. The food I used to eat doesn't taste that great anymore and I have made huge steps compared
to what I did eat, but I can't give up tea and cake. It's been a major miracle that I've managed to
stop drinking soda drinks and eating ham sarnies! Living on my own I can't just eat fish, broccoli
and carrots all the time. I'm sure there are other things I could eat, but I have to get some cook
books and start trying a few things that perhaps I might like now when I didn't before. That was
a total waffle, what the flippin heck was I talking about, or meant to be talking about? Oh yeah,
if you can't do the meditation, or the cleansing and the spiritual things, and you don't want to
take the drugs, then there's your other option for enlightenment- Become an astronaut and get
yourself out into space but personally I think an Ayahuasca session would be a lot easier and
cheaper, and will have just the same effect, and more besides."
So whys it been hard? Apart from the organisation and the procrastination that isthat is
methat is always in me. As I say looking around my flat, I put stuff off all the time, I really
do. Erm, for instance Ill say to myself I feel a bit tired, or it gets to a certain time, and then its
hardly worth doing anything, so I just put a film on and chill out. And then tomorrow because
you know youve been procrastinating you say to yourself right, Ill get in and Ill crack on
and you get in and put the computer on, and youre not doing it against your will because I want
to do it, but because youre sort of forcing yourself to do it you worry about whether youre

going to get the best out of yourself; well thats what I think anyway and then Im like changing
my mind on top of that all the time so its back to the start again isnt it? I am a disorganised
procrastinating person who cant make up his mind. Fucked basically hrmph.
Just got to quote this before I forget it, as its the funniest thing Ive heard in ages Film RiffRaff, er, what did he say? You got more chance of a one legged cat burying a turd on a frozen
pond!
Thought make things right? So, all this stuff like Alex Joness channel that creates fear
basically. If enough people start thinking these things, does it make them happen? I think it
could. So, we need to get the numbers not just aware of the problems; we also need the people
not thinking about world war three and stuff like that- just coz Ive said it doesnt mean Im
thinking about itEr, you know what I mean? Just get everyone thinking on the positives that
everything will be better soon. Do it without war.
Yeah, lack of experience in a lot of things will mean Im no expert by all means. I cant really
talk about DMT in detail as only had the one break through experience on that, so DMT I cant
really talk about... Lost the means to get hold of any with Silk Road going down, I hear Silk
Road 2s up and have read about extracting it from the bark but its just not high on my things
to do list is it? Finishing this book is high on my things to do list and you can see how long
thats taken me hrmph. I generally dont have things high on the to do list apart from getting
high, and thats not even on the to do list; it just happens if you know what I mean. So, having
one thing on there is hard enough as it is hrmph.

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Chapter Seven: Wake up a bit more- you werent done

We were not born critical of society. There was a moment in our lives (or a month, or
a year) where certain facts appeared before us, startled us, and then caused us to
question beliefs that were strongly fixed in our consciousness- embedded there by
years of family prejudice, orthodox schooling, imbibing of newspapers, radio and
television. This would seem to lead to a simple conclusion: that we all have an
enormous responsibility to bring to the attention of others information which they do not
have, which has the potential to cause them to re-think long held ideas.- Howard Zinn.
Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! Right, its out my system.
Hopefully I can now type without getting too emotive now. That is something you will
likely go through soon if you havent done yet. Its the sound of total and utter disbelief,
mixed in with just a hint of helplessness, a dash of doubt and a shitload of shock. For
reasons already stated I didnt get out much in general in my personal life. I watched
the mainstream news even less, and I never buy a paper. As such I havent been
subjected to as much propaganda over the years as your average Joe. Looking back,
after a fair amount of reflection, I can see that this new found problem was in no way
new at all. This has been going on for hundreds, if not thousands of years, but since
the advent of the internet and the widespread distribution of information the secret is
well and truly out.
They cant keep a fucking lid on this anymore- trust me. As you may well have noticed
by the changing tone in my talks, I was now aware of some of the lies and deceit that
we have been subjected to on a variety of matters. Broadly speaking, things aint quite
the way you are led to believe they are in the world. Corruption is rife, and Im not just
talking about fiddling of expenses but evil plots, secret societies and severely dubious,
underhand treachery of disgusting and epic proportions. I have spent countless hours
on YouTube and other associated independent or alternative news sites researching
all manner of things from all manner of sources with some holding a lot more truth than
others. This occupied my life for several months, during which time I released that early
rushed effort, where I leapt of the handle blaming all and sundry for their vile corrupt
ways. I did hint in the prologue that I have ripped a lot out, and I have. This chapter is
more of an overview really. Ill let more of my soliloquies do some of the talking later on
as subjects pop up at various times. Im no longer going to breakdown and analyse
anything. Thats not me bottling out, but just a content based decision. I dont want this
to be too long that it puts people off.
Im going to cover my reaction to it all here and now though as I want to finish on positive
things later. It also fits in here because this was about the time I started to uncover
things that are generally hidden or lied about though that research continued on for
some time of course. Some of it won't flow chronologically as I would have liked but it
makes sense this way. Once I have talked about this stuff that was occupying my life

for several months I just want to leave it alone anyway and finish on a positive note as
its important what people think about so I want you thinking of nice things of course.
Its like with food, or at least the way I am with food: I always leave the tastiest part to
last to leave the nicer taste in my mouth.
Two of my famous Chinese takeaways free cookies after releasing the early, rushed
and crappy version of this book stated Dont make the same mistake twice and be
more tactful, you will be surprised at the results. Now I know a lot of people are likely
to think these are as ambiguous as star signs or Tarot cards but for better or worse I
have paid heed to them so here is the edited, toned down and tactful version of some
of the things you may need to know about if you dont already. Dont let this stuff worry
you, or anger you too much; I do believe thats what they want. Rather, see it as a
beacon of hope. Things can only get better. Things are getting better. The world is
waking up. This isnt all I know about obviously, and Im just going to touch on some
areas before going on to talk about plant medicines and other drugs in the following
chapter. If you do know all there is to know please feel free to skip this one.
In this brief chapter I will try and highlight some of the important issues that are lied
about or ignored by the mainstream media as briefly as possible before leaving it alone
once and for all, apart from any mention in any further soliloquies. One thing I have
come to realise and appreciate in the time since releasing the early version of this book
back in January last year, and now, is that there are a lot more people who are awake
then I at first thought. This is in no small part due to my sheltered life that I previously
led, and me judging the majority based on my fairly limited public exposure (said the
bishop to the actress (sorry, couldnt resist.) This is the sort of joke I was famous for at
work in my office, and its these people that were my test subjects if you like- my our
survey said peopleMost of those are comfortable, or working/middle class, if you
have to put them in a category. Without wanting to stereotype in any way these kind of
people generally dont want to question anything because theyre alright- theyre not in
any immediate trouble, or dont think they are. They are generally happy and content
so why rock the boat? Obviously I had been trying to open peoples minds to the
alternate views whilst still in the office, and even though I made some headway with
some it could not be described as anything other than hard work- Brick wall: NineteenHead: Nil.
As a result of this severe whooping I also came to the conclusion that you cant shake
some peoples beliefs, the deeply engrained beliefs that have built up since birth, in a
single ten minute chat; it is just not physically possible. It may not even be possible by
way of a book. Unless Scameron or the O-bomb-a comes out and publicly says I am a
corrupt piece of poo who has been working hand in hand with the international bankers
to slowly and slyly suck you dry of wealth, health, pride, compassion and love for your
neighbour, then no matter what you say you are quite likely to only make the situation
worse. They will think you are insane, and probably understandably so; until they start
to research and question themselves personally. It is only then that the blinkers may

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come down. (It doesnt take much research honestly, not if you watch what I suggestroughly ten hours all told Id say.)
In time honoured fashion if somebody has said it better before why try and top it? The
below two quotes hit this particular nail firmly and squarely on the head I think youll
find
When a well-packaged web of lies has been sold gradually to the masses over
generations, the truth will seem utterly preposterous and its speaker a raving lunatic.
Dresden James.
I think our society is run by insane people for insane objectives. I think were being run
by maniacs for maniacal ends. But I am liable to be put away as insane for expressing
that. Thats what is insane about it. Dont you agree?- John Lennon.

Shock to the system

Let me take you down the rabbit hole
The one they dug for the sake of control
Where to start- the holes so deep
Youve been hoodwinked; some say asleep
The web of deceit is clear to see
If you dodge the news on the BBC
Pay no heed to the papers either
Theyre full of lies and propaganda
Freedom taken, one piece at a time
Keep quiet! Move along! Just stay in line
Born into a system of debt and greed
They will do anything to fuel their need
Raping the planet for all she has left
They couldnt care less- their conscience bereft
Starting wars and funding both sides
They couldnt lose- but now were wise
Youre fed a diet of booze and TV
Then drugged as well- to fuel that apathy
SSRIs, lithium and fluoride
And food thats been genetically modified

They keep cures from us whilst making us sick

Feeding us this poisonous artificial shit
Some think its done in the name of control
Others say its a fight for your very soul
But please dont worry or despair
As you read about their lack of care
Their grip weakens and the futures bright
A brave new worlds almost in sight
Our numbers grow hour by hour
As more and more step into their power
Soon well break these bonds of slavery
And once more claim that were truly free
Okay okay, I know Im not the most talented poet in the world, but I find it makes for an
interesting intro to this chapter. I do like writing poems though, much more preferable
to doing a crossword or Sudoku for instance. It might not have elegance and is probably
a little childlike, but hey Im never growing up. . . All the way along I have hinted at the
importance of not getting too down about this if you are or were unaware of some of
the issues that face in the world today, the prime one being that the bankers and
corporations are trying to take over the world no matter the cost to it or us. The simple
fact of the matter is they cant and wont succeed.
"No matter the regime's physical power, in the end they can't stop the people; they can't
stop freedom. We shall have our time." - Aung San Suu Kyi
Government. What does it mean, and what are they meant to do be doing? Government
I believe comes from Latin and in essence means mind and control. Hmmmm, okay,
enough said really; lets move on and concentrate on what government is meant to be
doing. They are elected officials who are meant to be acting in the best interests of the
people. I think everyone agrees with that yes? Over the course of this chapter I will
highlight a few of the more important areas that clearly show that they are not. I don't
mean to get you all angry, chances are you know a lot if it already, but based on my
experience of people, it's just as likely that you don't. A lot more know these days than
did back in Jan 2013 when I released the early version of this. But judging on the sample
of people in my last job there is a still a large amount of people in the dark. I give you
this information, not to make you angry oh no, I mean to make you mad but not angry.
Just mad enough to do something about things, but not mad enough to get up in arms
about it. That is what they want, or its one of their possible avenues at least.
Talking to people and attempting to convince them has been hard as Ive said and thats
possibly one of the biggest understatements Ive ever made. Everybody that I have

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ever met has an ego. In my opinion, contrary to some popular belief, the ego cannot be
killed but only tamed. Anyone with an ego does not like to be wrong or seem stupid. It
is easier for them to call you daft or mad and carry on regardless rather than do some
proper investigation. They either dont have the inclination, or those that might dont
have the time etc. Everybody is just so busy it seems caring about trivial shit, sorry if
that seems blunt but thats the way I feel.
Much like trying to get twenty-five years of silence out its difficult to know where to
start. There are so many fronts that these bastards are fighting on. When talking to
friends or colleagues I mention the birth certificates, social security and being slaves
they are a little surprised. When I speak about 9/11 being a set up they are skeptical.
"There are loads of conspiracy theories, there always will be" etc. When I go into details
about the Federal Reserve creating money out of thin air, and how trillions can be made
from debt and war they begin to pay a bit more attention. You just have to put all the
pieces together, use your intuition and intellect to sort through some of the bull, some
of the misinformation, and came to the conclusion that is staring you in the face once it
has been revealed.
Take a look around you, not your immediate surroundings, which is all that most pay
attention to, but at the bigger picture. You don't have to look too intently to realise that
the world as we know it is in turmoil. War in Afghanistan, conflicts in Ukraine, Syria and
Africa. Genocide in Gaza. Protests in Turkey, Egypt and Brazil; general unrest
everywhere. Look at the recent stories that have hit the mainstream media, the ones
that are so big they can't ignore them. You have Ed Snowden joining the ranks of Julian
Assange and Bradley Manning as the latest high profile whistle blower, a former CIA
and NSA agent who has recently confirmed what a lot of us already knew, that our
governments are spying on us. A recent law has just been passed to allow snooping
in the UK in the name of catching terrorists and paedophiles. I wonder if the general
public will be given access to the plot-icians data as they fit both bills by all accounts.
Whos watching the watchers? The witch-hunt is well and truly on in the UK, but through
the course of my research I have found that in the UK, we apparently have people who
are above the law, and wont be investigated as a result. That of course is not fucking
acceptable basically. A lot of timely retirements have also just started but Im sure
theyre just some more of those pesky coincidences.
The US want Snowden for espionage now of course in line with their other policies of
punishing people for speaking the truth. How can we live in a time where the brave and
honest amongst us are victimised for trying to help? Bradley Manning has been held in
jail for well over a year without trial, being tortured and held in downright awful
conditions, for what? For daring to reveal war crimes committed by his home nation. If
you aren't aware by now, Bradley Manning released footage of an Apache helicopter
gunning down a dozen unarmed civilians in cold blood. Barack Obama believes he is
guilty of treason, and as such has held him without trial. He hasn't been tried, yet he is
already guilty, despite the evidence that confirms his innocence that is available for all
to see, if you just look outside the mainstream. This is the key thing here. Everyone

knows he was doing the right thing, standing up for morals, virtues and decency, and
we have evidence to prove it. The incident and aftermath is covered in depth in the
amazing documentary by John Pilger The War You Dont See.
There is an actual military code that dictates that it is just and proper to speak out
against your peers should the situation warrant. War crimes do surely? Killing civilians
is against the Geneva Convention so has to be classed as a war crime surely. He
should not be in jail. Snowden should not be having to run for his life. All these people
have done is stand up for what's right, they have seen first-hand the atrocities that are
committed by the powers that be, and they have told us about them, because the
mainstream media does not do their job. Sorry, they do their job, its just that they serve
someone else; not you, and they feed you the tripe that is decreed by their masters.
They are a controlled propaganda arm of the bankers and government; that is all. Here
are a few examples to show how they are manipulated, and spit out only half truths or
ignore the important news. On the 24th May 2014 there was a second mass coordinated march against Monsanto, the food giants who are at the helm of genetically
modified food, with the first march taking place the year before. That took place in over
400 cities and across more than 50 countries and included an estimated 2 million
people. Was this huge worldwide event covered in the mainstream news? Nope.
No surprise then really at the same time that the march against these giants was
ignored, that there has been propaganda hitting the front page of UK papers lately that
GM foods are actually safe. There was another march against austerity measures that
took place in London this June with an estimated 50,000 people taking part that was
also ignored by the UK news. If there was indeed such a large number it is safe to say
that most went to listen to or just to see Russell Brand possiprobably however. There
is a protest going on in Germany right now that has people attending from all over
Europe protesting against the Federal Reserve that has sort of been covered by the
news, as theyre slinging mud at the organisers of it in an attempt to discredit them; its
laughable really. Anyone who takes the time to research fractional reserve banking and
the Federal Reserve will soon see that they are the root of all our problems that we face
today in this shitty modern age. That banking system has been adopted worldwide so
the problem is not of course limited to America, hence the protest in Germany.
The same people who run this system own the government and also own the popular
press. Recently the BBC were caught red handed showing the same footage they used
when showing an earlier supposed incendiary or napalm attack in Syria. This time
however they changed the audio replacing the word napalm with chemical! They then
went on to show further scenes inside the hospital showing the nurse telling everyone
who wasnt a doctor or nurse to get out due to the supposed emergency; everyone
except the camera crew of course. If this was an actual emergency then why was this
supposed nurse not helping, rather than do an interview? It was as fake as the audio
thats why. Seriously, find the clip in Russia Todays archives on YT if you missed it
when on Panorama. They could have gotten pornstars in and theyd have done a better
job with the acting.

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They showed this to influence public opinion and make you think Assad had used
chemical weapons and it is nothing short of a disgusting farce. It was a complete setup. They are under investigation for this, by whom I know not, but its highly unlikely to
be an independent team. One thing I do know is that they can never be taken seriously
again. Reports are now linking the use of Sarin gas to the rebel forces. The ones
Cameron and Obama have been arming; I think they go by the name of Alan or Al
something or other. . . Essentially then our apparently wonderfully neutral news
reporting service is as corrupt as our glorious leaders, and is used to sway public
opinion as opposed to telling us the truth. If you still struggle to believe that and have
the time I wholeheartedly suggest you find and watch the documentary I just mentionedThe War You Dont See by John Pilger. In fact just watch it anyway. Its just shy of 90
minutes long and is eye opening, honest, and very well presented in a calm and
collected manner. This is no mean feat considering the subject matter. It will alter your
opinion of mainstream news drastically.
I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you
Frederich Nietzsche
The US has stated as fact that chemical weapons have been used. The Mail in the UK
has also printed that a member of parliament in the UK knows that Assad has used
chemical weapons. Cameron has been urging parliament to act and act now- bomb
them! This is the same type of knowing that Obama holds over Manning's guilt, and the
same knowledge of WMD's that Iraq were meant to have held. Its imaginary, false,
fairy tales and lies; bollocks basically. If anyone has used Sarin gas it is in fact the rebel
forces, the ones our governments are arming and supporting as just stated. Of course
if you dont research the alternate media or pay attention to your crazy friends or
colleagues then you wont find out will you?
From watching videos in the alternate news you get a different viewpoint to the tripe in
the mainstream. The Syrians love Assad; 20 odd million of them as opposed to a mere
ten thousand rebels who dont. (*88.7% in the recent election backed that up, but The
West are now trying to say the vote was a scam. This is somewhat like the last acts of
a desperate man syndrome. If the vote was a sham it was because only 73% of the
electorate voted due to rebels forcibly keeping some people away. UK Polls recently
showed 36% of the electorate voted I believe- enough said really but Ill explain for
those that might not be keeping up. The people in Syria went to great lengths risking
personal injury to ensure Assad remains in power and not the rebel forces that we are
backing. 36% in the UK shows that an exponentially increasing number of people dont
want any of the corrupt candidates to run our country.)
Why are we wanting to arm the rebels? Is it in the false name of democracy or could it
be we want to install a new regime? I've watched countless videos about how things
went down in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya, and Chile and Argentina before them. The
same thing is going on in Syria, Africa and Ukraine now. Economic hitmen are hard at

work, busy trying to stir up the next war. I firmly believe that all wars have more or less
been artificially instigated to gain control of resources, and fuel the national debt at the
same time. The debt that is designed to never be paid back, and is fraudulent... I
suggest watching the brilliant documentary The Shock Doctrine to gain a better
understanding of economic hitmen, and Money Masters; a documentary made by Bill
Still regarding the creation of the Federal Reserve and fractional reserve banking.
So, currently if you look at the mainstream news you likely won't hear anything about
whats occurring in Turkey, Egypt or Brazil, where legitimate uprisings of the people are
taking place, what we see and hear is lies about Assad's regime and chemical
weapons, as the next stage of their plan is put into place, or sideshows like the trial of
Oscar Pistorius or other similar meaningless events. The fact that they are covering the
whole Snowden event, and it's not being covered up like Manning generally was is
another indicator that they might actually want us to start a revolution. This is a great
concern of mine, that people rush in to revolution too hastily and without proper thought,
and the ensuing violence gives them the excuse they need to fully integrate the police
state they so desire. Theresa May has been working on this for a long time in the UK,
it's already present in the US with their militarised police. The Boston bombing gave
them a perfect means of a trial run as they locked the whole city down. There are many
ways to revolt; it does not have to be with violence. If you try and slay the beast and
many will die, and even if you succeed another will just take its place sooner or later.
Many think the best way is to just to withdraw from the system, others think we need to
have a full on revolution. Like with a lot of other things I believe the best way is to take
the middle ground.
Looking around you can already see militiarised police as stated and the way the
majority of the police in Turkey and Brazil have behaved has on the whole been
atrocious with tear gas, rubber bullets and water cannons being used excessively. I say
the majority as I have seen police in Brazil sitting with the protestors which was
amazing. I have read comments on Facebook from people involved first hand that detail
the atrocities committed in Turkey and they include chemical burns. I have personally
spoken with an old Turkish Friend and they tell me the same thing; that it was a peaceful
protest against fascism, and the police got extremely heavy handedYoure not old,
youve just been a friend for a while is what I meant(just in case she reads this.) I've
seen footage of a guy in a wheelchair getting blasted by water cannons, and have seen
photos of police pouring some sort of chemicals into the water cannon trucks that backs
up the reports of chemical burns suffered by protestors. Surely this is chemical warfare
is it not? Something has gone very wrong when the people who are meant to protect
the public against injustice are hosing them down with some pretty nasty shit by all
accounts, and purely because theyre not happy at the way the country is being run.
I looked into more or less every false flag event of recent years from 9/11 and 7/7 to
the more recent events like Boston and Woolwich, and they all have very troubling
holes in official stories. I've also watched a lot of videos during the course of my
research that are on the face of it preposterous, for instance David Icke talking about
lizards and the like. I think I've already stated that I don't buy that stuff, but I know there

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are a lot of people that do. I ask that you question everything so I don't dismiss it out of
hand, but I put it all on the back burner with stuff like chemtrails and ask that you
concentrate on stuff that is easier to prove in your research, such as the principals of
our current banking system and the multitude of false flag events of late. I do believe
that the holes in their stories are so big these days that they actually might be that
obvious on purpose. If you start looking in the right places now, you can't fail to notice
the inconsistencies. There are no more open and shut cases put it like that.
Health is a big issue for most, and they have actively kept medicines and cures from
us for far too long so as corporations can profit, and they can nick our pensions when
we kick the bucket. Tale the time and look into cannabis oils as a medicine and you will
uncover the fact that the powers that be have known about its anti-cancer properties
for over forty years! To me this is unacceptable. It should well be to you, whether you
believe you and I are one yet or not shouldnt it?
"The illusion of freedom will continue for as long as it's profitable to continue the illusion.
At the point where the illusion becomes too expensive to maintain, they will take down
the scenery, move the tables and chairs out of the way, they will pull back the curtains
and you will see the brick wall at the back of the theatre." - Frank Zappa
This is where I had previously had the few sections about banking, the war on terror,
and food and health, but again those have been removed. I am including some brief
discussion as this is autobiography of sorts and it formed a part of my life for a while,
and still does to some degree. Explaining it all here for you is not part of my life. You
need to work that out for yourself- its your life. Im just going to give a few clues here
and there. Food and health is always relevant of course, but trust me I cant give any
advice on healthy eating; that would be like taking advice from Tony Blair on how to be
compassionate. However if you somehow are one of the few people who thinks GM
foods are safe, then you need to do some research. Most people know these days
about the dangers of GM foods, Aspartame, and things like that anyway. Pretty much
everyone knows bankers are assholes, but Im not sure how many know actually how
evil the modern system is. Just watch Money Masters and youll get a very good idea
as its thoroughly researched, though there are many other shorter videos that will serve
almost as well.
If it were just about the economy though I would not be writing this section. I care not
for economics, but I do care about the world and all its inhabitants, human, animal and
plants alike, which is why I felt had to. There is a very big link between it all in my
opinion; between the two types of awakening, and the two types of illusion. The people
involved in economic policy are the ones endangering the world; bankers and
irrepressible greed have put us in a lot of deep doo-doo. Trust me, the way to fix it isnt
to give them more money, or let them take it anymore. The way to fix it is to lock them
up and start afresh. Exile them preferably if possible.

The world needs a revolution of sorts & the world is going to have one, one way or
another, and sooner rather than later I suspect. We cannot continue as we are; that
should be clear to anyone with a modicum of sense and who isnt evil and corrupt. How
it all comes about is the crunch of the matter. There is no need for violence. We have
plenty of evidence to show that the current ruling bodies do not act in the best interest
of the people so its time they left. Once they are out of the way we can then issue debt
free currency until money is no longer needed. F**k the banks. What happened in
Iceland needs to happen on a world wide scale now. It would be a great start anyway.
I did fear that civil war is about to break out in America, or possibly even world war three
on a larger scale, and I am sure it is what they want. It fits in with their agenda- arms
deals, drug deals (both illegal and pharmaceutical) money, profit, power, debt, greed,
control, fear. However I am now confident we can stop it. The pen or word of mouth,
and love, is mightier than the sword and the assault rifle. Sure, keep a few hidden away
somewhere in case it gets bad real quick, but don't ignite the spark that they want you
to light. I know it's escalating as I'm talking to new friends online in America. This stuff
isn't making the mainstream media over here in the UK and you know why. The media
is controlled. This is no conspiracy whatsoever, just plain and simple truth. You don't
have to be a genius to figure that out. All we get is news on celebrities, or immigration
policy, or gay marriage. I mean c'mon we want to know about real issues that affect
real people. I don't mean it to sound as though I'm saying gay people aren't real, I just
mean to say that that issue is hardly bloody important. You should be able to marry
who you want in my opinion, whatever sex they are. Oh, but it's against God's law I
hear some of you cry. As far as I know God didn't write the bible, man did. Its also
preached in the bible that divorce is a sin is it not and all perpetrators should be stoned?
Another quote I seem to remember somehow is let he who is without sin cast the first
stone.
As well as the larger scale atrocities all around, there are very suspicious smaller
accidents or very suspicious suicides occurring lately that contribute to my opinion
that there is some sick shit going down, and its escalating just as fast as the awakening.
Innocent people are getting murdered right now because they're getting in the way of
the agenda, or to be used as part of the media brainwashing. Mere coincidence that
Kevin Ratliff, one of the biggest gun enthusiasts in America, has been found murdered,
shot in the back of the head in his office, whilst surrounded by guns of his own, just a
few weeks after another "lone wolf" killing spree in Sandy Hook? Then there's the two
federal agents, hostage specialists, who were involved in the arrest of Dzhokar
Tsarnaev who allegedly fell out of a chopper in a fast roping exercise just recently, as
well as controversy surrounding Navy Seal Team 6 and their helicopter crash. Aaron
Swartzs suicide, was also highly suspicious. Lots of high level bankers have suddenly
started jumping off of rooftops or high bridges too; that one Im not particularly worried
about but it is important to note.
Chris Kyle, the veteran sniper, and founder of Craft Security has also been allegedly
killed recently in very suspicious circumstances at a firing range. Craft are linked to the

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Boston bombing in a big way, being around the finish line wearing suspicious
backpacks that match the exploded one, unlike the Tsarnaev's rucksack. There is
photographic evidence of this that the FBI tells people to ignore like something out of
Star Wars- "These are not the dudes you are looking for..." Two of those three security
guards at the finish line are also dead ringers for two of the three cops who were first
into the school at Sandy Hook too, I mean the word doppelgangers springs to mind,
seriously, they look so alike they could be the same people. . . Is my tact working there?
Regarding guns, there is no way that the story you have been told about Sandy Hook
is true. Start looking into it, and don't swallow the propaganda you're fed through the
media; don't fall for their scare tactics. Be mindful whilst you search though, there is
misinformation out there, little bits of truth mixed in with big fat lies to make them seem
believable. For instance there was a particularly damning video of Robbie Parker seen
laughing, supposedly off camera and getting himself into character before he went all
emotional in the following interview. Now, personally I dont think they would have left
this up, and its meant as more than propaganda about them wanting the guns. I do
believe it is meant to cause more division. I have noticed Americans getting very upset
about it all still in some comments sections of articles. The arguments get particularly
heated and vehement. Their plan, if I am correct, seems to be working. They want to
divide and conquer. We need to multiply, unify and submit, and by that I mean submit
new governments- not surrender. This is the tricky part of the whole thing, waking
someone up without them thinking your nuts and it descending into insults.
Of course, if there is a revolution coming then it does make sense they would want the
public unarmed. There is a popular saying that states if guns are outlawed, then only
the outlaws will have guns and it is very poignant indeed. In all the states where guns
are banned in the US the murder rates are higher. Its also probably no coincidence
that all the mass shootings tend to take place in states that have gun restriction laws in
place. Throughout history every major genocide has been preceded by a confiscation
of guns, that's another point worth noting. Guns to me are much the same as money.
Ideally we can live in a world where they are not needed, but that is still a long way off.
For now we need them, or the Americans do anyway. They could be the last stand
against total fascist tyranny, but it absolutely has to be a last resort.
To fight or not to fight, that is the question. A lot will think fighting now is our only and
last chance, our last bastion of defence against the dark forces, but I don't agree. I do
think it's best to give Obama your guns if you have to, and we will use word to fight
back. Word of mouth if we have to if they shut the internet down. Typewriters are being
bought up all over in Germany by all accounts; trust them to be more organised than
most eh? Carrier pigeons can be used again; there are all sorts of options. The numbers
are not great enough worldwide of people who are awake. Don't lessen them further
now in a fight they are instigating, because they know they will win it. I have it on very
good authority that there are between two and four hundred thousand UN troops right
now in the US, (was at the time I wrote that sentence in January 2013 anyway) and
they have been training for civil unrest. Now I know it's not the size of the lion in the

fight, but the size of the fight in the lion that's most important and everyone loves the
David and Goliath tales. You may think that you have a chance, but you don't. These
days Goliath comes armed with drones, heat seekers, satellite, thermal imaging and
AC 130s. Think clearly please, they have far superior equipment and just as, if not more
importantly - training. They will murder you. Give them your guns if needs be, and we
will use word to make theirs impotent.
Then there is the side of the coin that says fight now, others will join if we can, make a
stand against tyranny, fascism and oppression. Make a stand before they wipe us all
out through weapons or viruses or poison, if that is their goal, and not misinformation
in itself. I mean Ive never heard anything like that as proof; that they want to wipe us
all out Hang on a second Prince Philip was quoted as saying if he did reincarnate
he would like to come back as a deadly virus and solve over populationIf his
reincarnation was somehow due to me in a fantasy world, I would be inclined to give
him incarnation as a dung beetle in the Sahara, toiling endlessly to roll a pile of shit up
a humongous dune in the scorching heat; getting tantalisingly close to the apex before
slipping and tumbling helplessly all the way to the bottom to have to start all over again,
doomed to repeat the task endlessly in a modern day version of Sisyphus from Greek
mythology. I know youre meant to love everyone, or try to at least, and this is why I
know Im not enlightened, because I still sort of hate, just a little, but I do. Tact I can
squeeze in in most places; its been hard but Ive managed. I cant think of a way to try
and dress up my opinion of that vile beast Im sorry. Sure, if it turns out hes not involved
in the pedophile rings Ill be the first to apologise, but I cant see myself running out to
check what sort of sauces would make my hat edible quite frankly.

That photo was taken in Botswana. It would be a bit hotter in the Sahara, and ideally
the poo would be bigger, and the dune steeper too- this is my fantasy world remember.

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There are rumours that they implemented the AIDS virus but I haven't looked into that
yet, and don't have the time. I know they start wars and conflict without batting an eyelid
so it wouldn't be beyond them. When you look at how they attack minorities or supposed
inferiors then its not beyond the realms of imagination is it? 9/11 is just the latest
example in a long line of manufactured incidents used to start wars. Google Operation
Northwood to get started for actual factual evidence regarding the lengths that your
precious leaders are prepared to go to. You may not want to believe that your ruling
body doesn't really care about human life, apart from them and theirs, but they don't.
That is the sad state of affairs frankly and there is no pussyfooting about it. You cant
dress it up and they have no excuses. I've been told I should just look after myself by
many, in a similar sort of fashion, but frankly I don't think that's the right attitude to have.
Everyone needs to stand up and be counted, as well as spread the word, and I will.
First off I'm just trying to increase the number of people that will stand with me; with us.
Making decisions has definitely never been one of my fortes as I'm sure you're well
aware by now, and luckily this one's not up to me. I really don't know what is for the
best, maybe a full on revolution is needed but I'm sure that this can be solved
peacefully. It's just a matter of numbers, co-operation, a little timing and a lot of thought.
I know that too many people are still oblivious to what is going on and that has to
change. The vast majority of people think the current system is working as they believe
the propaganda on the television. They think the governments are doing an okay job
here in the UK, protecting us from terror, and that were out of the recession. We're
actually even being told that unemployment has dropped and that's laughable. Just
look around; look at the lack of manufacturing, look at the cuts in public sector jobs and
the armed forces. Public money is being sucked away as costs are cut, but at the same
time MPs expenses are rising by 25% and the Queen is getting an additional 5 million
in taxpayers money this year with a 16% increase from 31 to 36 million pounds per
annum. The bankers are still getting their obscene bonuses even though their
corporations are failing. Where are the morals, the virtues, where is the integrity? How
can we live in a world where this is allowed to happen? If the cuts haven't actually
affected you yet, then it is only a matter of time. There are solutions, and they are not
difficult to implement. Why are they not being put into action, or even discussed?
Like I say we dont get to find out what they plan in these secret meetings but I think
they want a war in America, either civil or otherwise. I think this is how they are going
to destroy the faith in the dollar, causing it to crash and create a worldwide economic
disaster. It is in the nature of unregulated markets to be volatile, bubbles are allowed to
inflate, and then inevitably they burst. The markets have to be currently artificially
inflated considering the actual economic situation surely? In the US it was the financial
crisis that secured Obama's victory. Americans wanted to change course. This crisis
was a direct result of the shock doctrine, the selling off of public companies to private.
It started in the UK under Thatcher and is now being taken up again by Cameron in full
force. The NHS is undergoing a massive slur campaign by the media. Hospitals A&E

departments are closing down or sold off like Hinchingbrooke. Look into what went on
there with tory donators please. They want to sell it all off along with schools and roads.
Soon only the rich will be able to afford to get treatment, or the poor will be forced to
make sacrifices they can't afford in order to get medicines or treatments they need.
They promise you change, and make it worse, then just brush off their failed promises
like crumbs from their laps.
"Sorry, what were we meant to do? Do you not think pumping more and more money into the
economy by giving it to the banks to gamble on peoples lives, whilst at the same time making
your money virtually worthless, and also using your money to pay the Libor fines of said banks
through way of your taxes- increasing your taxes and cutting your benefits; forcing the sick and
elderly to work for those benefits, closing down hospitals, invading continents to get us more
gold and minerals, no matter how many we murder; all to increase the strength of our empire
so we can pay the Rothschilds to build us new roads and Branson can look after our elderly and
sick children for a nominal fee. . . Running drugs and laundering the resultant money, arming
rebels in Syria and breaking the terrorism act of 2005 in the process, forcing small businesses
to shut down as they can't compete with the tax free corporations, allowing banks to get away
with fines when they're caught laundering money and not throwing them in jail, giving lordships
to corrupt police commissioners and judges, running corrupt courts and police forces, and
allowing paedophilia to go unpunished, do you not think this is a good way to run government?
What's the matter with you man? You just have to see the benefits... We, the rich, get richer on
the back of every other bugger, no matter what suffering we may cause. It's great! You too can
have this love of money and callous disregard for life if you like- you just have to sign here!"
Okay, granted, it's not an actual quote, just one of my waffles, but it is more or less
what they say to us day in day out.
How do we stop the possible war, and the impending worldwide economic disaster?
Don't fight; I think that's the answer. These people will be brought to justice someday.
They have to be. The bankers and politicians that have been fucking us for so long will
get their just deserts I'm sure. We need to replace the governments with fresh faces,
honest people who care about the people, or get rid of government altogether. That
would be better than being governed by the biggest crooks in the land- give me anarchy
any day.
A lot of people are waking up to what's going on; don't take my word for it. Watch the
videos but read the comments too, they will lead you into other things to investigate,
and may help you decide who can be trusted and who can't. The top three if you're in
the UK for that un-trustable list would have to be Cameron, Clegg and Osbourne, who
are breaking the terrorism act of 2005 by selling arms to Syrian rebels, as well as not
dealing in the best interests of the country. We can then deal with the monarchy, who
by all accounts have no right to be there if Greg Hallett is correct. Did you know the
Queen is the biggest land owner in the world? She owns 1/6th of the world's land
apparently, more than any other nation, more than the church, yet she put in for a winter
heating allowance a couple of years back, as well as receiving the five million pound
raise this year. She is the richest woman in the world yet we support her? I mean I don't
think anyone has the right to rule over another, and claim taxes off them, and I wont

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even get into the whole land owning thing other than to say how the fuck can she? Did
she create it? I think not, but there are people who love the monarchy. They think it's
good for the country. And they think I'm mad. . .
I still like to watch a good film every now and then and the next couple of quotes to tie
this section up are regarding visions, and come from one film in particular; the rather
brilliant Network. Peter Finch plays the character of Howard Beale, a news reader who
believes he speaks to God and that they speak through him to get the message across
to the general public. I had seen this film a long time ago when I was too young to fully
understand it. This time the message it contains, and the similarities of what I want to
say are so strong that I'm going to quote from it here. It was synchronistic in its timing
that I saw it when I did. Not a massive event like the dictaphone or air rifle shot, but
more in tune with discovering Alan Watts at just the right time if you know what I mean?
I want to quote from this marvellous film, as despite my original mission being about
healing, I do think to enable that fully we need psychedelics legalised. The next chapter
looks at why theyll never do that so this is why this chapter went in basically; to remove
the tyrants currently in charge. Like Ive said its time they left the show. Freedom
beckons, but first weve got to get a little mad.
"Last night I was awakened from a fitful sleep shortly after two o'clock in the morning
by a shrill sibilant faceless voice. I couldn't make it out at first in the dark bedroom. I
said I'm sorry you'll have to talk a little louder. The voice said to me I want you to tell
the people the truth. Not an easy thing to do because the people don't want to know
the truth and I said you're kidding. What the hell should I know about the truth? But the
voice said to me, don't worry about the truth, I will put the words in your mouth. And I
said what is this; the burning bush? For God's sake I'm not Moses and the voice said
to me -and I'm not God, what has that got to do with it? The voice said to me we're not
talking about eternal truth, or absolute truth or ultimate truth. We're talking about
impermanent transient human truth. I don't expect you people to be capable of truth but
Goddammit at least you're capable of self-preservation. And I said why me? And the
voice said because you're on television dummy. You have forty million Americans
listening to you, and after this show you could have fifty million. For Pete's sake I'm not
asking you to walk the land in sack cloth and ashes preaching the Armageddon; you're
on TV man! So I thought about it for a moment and then I said - okay." - Howard Beale,
Network 1976.
The people don't want to know about the truth. I have found that to be the case as I
speak to companions and colleagues. They just simply don't want to know and are
happy to bury their head in the sand and keep on believing the fairy tales. I only recently
discovered the term that describes this; cognitive dissonance, which is coincidentally
pretty close to what fluoride can cause- cognitive disorders. I can only ever talk to
people about one topic at once, and they just tend to brush it off. When you look at the
overall scenario, I think it becomes pretty easy to understand. If I havent convinced
you of the state of world affairs, I will have hopefully convinced you of the healing,

cleansing power of Ayahuasca, and then if you try that or it's associates then you will
likely believe the rest no worry at all. One will follow the other like the rats followed the
pied piper. . . Since my experience not only have I been constantly happy but my senses
have sharpened. I tend to know when something is a lie these days, not just suspect
but know. I don't want you to blindly accept what I say however, I just want you to
investigate a little, follow the breadcrumbs, or to coin a phrase, follow the money.
Howard Beale said he had someone or something putting words in his mouth. I
definitely haven't got anyone speaking through me. I'm not possessed in any way,
shape or form, but I did have a conversation with someone and it was no faceless being
either. I wasn't even told to write this in a direct fashion, rather it was hinted at me. I
was told to think about what I wanted to do, and from there it's been left to me. I see
the dicta event or synchronistic songs as an affirmation that I'm on the right course, and
to ensure that I don't lose focus. Ive had many other synchronistic events involving
songs on the radio and very timely fortune cookies too that either get me back on track
or give me a polite kick up the bum.
At times I wish I did have someone speaking through me, or guiding these fingers as I
type, because it's been a lot harder to do than I at first thought. Apart from my absolutely
terrible typing I have discovered that my mind truly is scattered. Maybe it just reflects
the cluttered state of my flat in some sort of Fung Shui link, or maybe my dyslexic typing
is just a reflection of a confused mind. What came first, the chicken or the egg? I don't
know I just know that this has been quite a difficult task for me so far. Not just in the
problems I face trying to organise or come to a decision, but in also getting motivated
to do so. I have been lazy in the past but I'm trying to change. Nothing worth fighting
for should come easy though should it? I believe that everyone has good and bad in
them. Maybe my laziness is the bad part of me. I am or have been really lazy; I'm not
saying there's nothing else of me that's bad, but if laziness does count as bad, then it
makes up a good proportion of the 50 %...
I also believe that life is in some way a test as well as being a great gift and adventure.
In years gone by I used to think we may actually have been in purgatory and this life is
a punishment for previous transgressions, where we are meant to learn our lessons,
but no longer. Now I believe that we choose our lives here on Earth, we choose each
existence with a view to learning different things each time we go round on the wheel
of life. I truly believe that we are in a time of great change. It's going to go one way or
the other, for better or worse. The below quote is another from the legend that is Bucky
Fuller that supports my belief.
Whether it is to be Utopia or Oblivion will be a touch-and-go relay race right up to the
final moment Humanity is in final exam as to whether or not it qualifies for
continuance in the Universe.
Our current model can't go on as it is. That should be pretty plain to most so things
have to change dont they? People sometimes only change when they are forced to. I
think that we are now being forced to, unless of course you are happy to be slaves to
dictators and bankers that is. It is time for change.

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Please bear in mind that I watched Network by chance, scouring Netflix for something
fresh to watch. The similarities of his situation and mine with him also being compelled
to act, and also in the content of what he says is startling to me; it's just a further
example of synchronicity. If you have Netflix and haven't seen the film I wholeheartedly
recommend it. I saw it as another kick up the backside, being reminded that I was on a
mission, and that I should spend less time pondering and more time doing.
"I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a
depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a
nickels worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks
are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what
to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit
to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we
had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed
to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything
everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly
the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us
alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted
radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not going to leave you
alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't
want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to
write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians
and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad. You've got to
say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up
now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go
to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell, 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND
I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! Things have got to change. But first,
you've got to get mad! You've got to say 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take
this anymore!' Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation
and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head
out, and yell, and say it: "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS
ANYMORE!" - Howard Beale-Network 1976.
Remember this was speech was made on a live TV show. I'm not suggesting you
should get up and open your own window and start shouting, at least not unless a date
and time is suggested when other people could join in, otherwise you're probably going
to seem a tad insane rather than mad. I am suggesting that you get mad though, we all
need to get mad about this because it's only us that are going to change it. That film
was made in 1976 and was a warning that we didn't heed. Television has taken over
most peoples lives to such a degree that they believe everything they see and hear,
and most of what they see and hear on the television is controlled. It is designed with
various purposes to make you believe that you have to spend and consume, have the

latest gadget, and look the latest way, or be the fashionable size whilst at the same
time they hammer you with ads to buy food and drink that makes it virtually impossible
to do so. Did you know theres thirty-five grams of sugar in a popular can of pop? An
ounce and a quarter! Maybe reduce that to help with cavities rather than injecting
poison into the water supply to help eh?
Even if the government arent involved in a heinous plot to wipe us all out, there is still
plenty for you to get mad about isn't there? I for one, have had enough, and I'm not
going to take it anymore. I've had enough of people being treated like commodities. I've
had enough of people deciding what they think they know is best for us, and preaching
on that, whilst at the same time they are endangering our health with chemicals and
genetically modified crap, as well as killer psychotropic drugs. I have had enough of the
hypocrisy and I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore! I've had enough of
people telling me what I can and can't put into my own body, or limiting my exploration
of my own consciousness. I've had enough of people getting unfairly punished for doing
so. I've basically just had enough of a few people deciding they think they know what's
best for everyone and I'm as mad as the March Hare about it, and guess what? I'm not
going to take it anymore! Im fekked off with all the fekking fracking, and the fluoride,
and the basic lack of care, compassion and conscience. Im not just talking about what
they do to us but the planet as well: We are all connected. If the earth suffers so do we
it is as simple as that and vice versa. Trying to get certain types of people to understand
that is not so simple unfortunately. We can't keep chopping down the rain forests and
poisoning water and crops with chemicals, bacteria and pesticides and killing the bees
and the fish and far more besides. Its literally like cutting your nose off to spite your
face.
I hope I havent scared you or created any additional fear as there is enough of that in
the world as it is, so I have offered some solutions also to counter any fear when
possible. Steps are already being taken by various groups as I write. It may well be that
this book is redundant, but I think not. Just because there is an arrest warrant out for
the Queen of England, the now retired Pope and the Prime Minister of Canada as well
as many others, totaling around thirty other people, does not necessarily mean that
they will be arrested as the system is corrupt to the core- though one can hope. They
have been found guilty of crimes against humanity in a common law court formed in
Brussels. Shocking I know but true, look up ITCCS.org (International Tribunal into
Crimes of Church and State) and see for yourself. The verdict as displayed on the
website reads:"We the Citizen Jury find that the Defendants in this case are guilty of the two
indictments, that is, they are guilty of committing or aiding and abetting Crimes against
Humanity, and of being part of an ongoing Criminal Conspiracy"
None of the Defendants challenged or disputed a Public Summons issued to them last
September, nor did they deny the charges made against them, or offer counter
evidence to the Court. If they don't turn themselves in by March the 4th (which they
didn't) then they are liable for citizens arrest. It will take a brave citizen to try and arrest

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them I'm sure, if they come out of the hiding that they are in. This surely has to be the
reason the Pope was the first to retire in six hundred years. Many of his Cardinals are
following suit, including the top Catholic official in England, Cardinal Keith O'Brien.
We have a cross party cabal in UK politics and they have one agenda, to destroy this
country. The same is going on in the States. Elections are fixed over there. Ron Paul
never stood a chance of getting elected, the media ignored or lied about him. I've seen
plenty of evidence to prove that. Excerpts from CNN and Fox where they just pretended
he didn't exist in polls. Even if by some miracle after the campaign against him he beat
Romney and was elected to run for president I'm sure they would have just fixed the
count to ensure Obama retained power. EVERY single US president ever elected bar
one has blood ties. Surely this fact alone should be ringing the biggest alarm bell you've
ever heard in your life... Want an example of how UK politics is fixed? No problem, Nick
Clegg to thank for this one. In March 2011, after leaving a public meeting in a Boots
factory, the Lib Dem leader was recorded saying to David Cameron "If we keep doing this, we won't find anything to bloody disagree on in the bloody TV
debates."
No matter who you vote for the government gets in so why vote? All youre doing by
voting is giving someone else the power over your life in a nutshell isnt it? Show them
we don't need or want them and their fascist regimes before it's too late and we're in a
dictatorship. The signs it's coming are already there. Get concerned, open your eyes
and move your mouths and feet. Do something about this. Part of the reasoning behind
the created war on terror is to keep society in a state of fear and panic, to make us think
we need the government. They actually have most of you convinced you need the leach
that is sucking you dry. Any leech can be removed without enough salt and gentle
persuasion. I know you may be thinking you have to vote, otherwise well be left with
such and such for so long, but seriously, dont be daft please. We need to change the
whole system.
So long as men worship the Caesars and Napoleons, Caesars and Napoleons will
duly arise and make them miserable. Aldous Huxley
For those of you reading this who are awake to the state of play I apologise if it came
across in a way that makes you scream "tell us something we don't know" but it just
made sense to write it that way. For those people that do know and are doing something
worthwhile and constructive to help already I applaud you. There are so many great
channels on YT or radio shows you can listen to. For current affairs news events that
matter you can tune in to Russia Today or the UK Column Live. (Now currently being
presented from within a car or kitchen or such like because it is too television like and
cant be presented from a studio. Censorship gone made with ATVOD (some other
nefarious organisation.) For a slightly more colourfully presented version of the news
there is the Artist Taxi Driver, aka Chunkymark on YT. He is a wonderful man doing
great things to help raise awareness about the crooks who run our country in the UK.

He does do so passionately though so be mindful if you are opposed to a bit of

swearing. Stateside I have found the best channel to be Storm Clouds Gathering. I
thoroughly recommend everyone listen to Maxwell Igan on his channel The
Crowhouse, originating from Australia. He speaks a whole load of sense on a lot of
things and I resonate with virtually every single thing he says so check him out.
I havent really gone into more modern events purely because it is hard to keep up,
finalise, edit, and proofread a book all at once but what is going on in Israel, Palestine
and Gaza is just atrocious and anyone who says otherwise is a fool or just plain evil.
The only thing I think it is necessary to say about the whole thing is that it is only
because of the links to Israel and Zionism that course very deep through major
governments that nothing has been done about it for so long. Max Igan, who I just
mentioned is currently reporting heavily on the situation in Gaza if you want a closer
look and has several videos on his channel. Pull your head out the mainstream bullshit
and youll find out whats really going on. People follow their own paths regardless but
sometimes they just need a little point in the right direction, when theyve been led
astray by the big bad wolf you know what I mean? I know people will shout that theres
two sides to every story but as Im not even getting into explaining my perspective fully,
Im certainly not going to argue the toss.
People may also say its nothing to do with me but you are me and I am you. Its not
just a gooey stoners opinion either. One of the other greats of science has this to say
on the whole thing, and Ill wind this chapter down with this because its as good as way
as any to get all the nasty stuff Ive just talked about out your head for now.
I cut myself in the finger, and it pains me: this finger is a part of me. I see a friend hurt,
and it hurts me, too: my friend and I are one. And now I see stricken down an enemy,
a lump of matter which, of all the lumps of matter in the universe, I care least for, and it
still grieves me. Does this not prove that each of us is only part of a whole? For ages
this idea has been proclaimed in the consummately wise teachings of religion, probably
not alone as a means of insuring peace and harmony among men, but as a deeply
founded truth. The Buddhist expresses it in one way, the Christian in another, but both
say the same: We are all one. Metaphysical proofs are, however, not the only ones
which we are able to bring forth in support of this idea. Science, too, recognizes this
connectedness of separate individuals, though not quite in the same sense as it admits
that the suns, planets, and moons of a constellation are one body, and there can be no
doubt that it will be experimentally confirmed in times to come, when our means and
methods for investigating psychical and other states and phenomena shall have been
brought to great perfection. Still more: this one human being lives on and on. The
individual is ephemeral, races and nations come and pass away, but man remains.
Therein lies the profound difference between the individual and the whole. Therein, too,
is to be found the partial explanation of many of those marvellous phenomena of
heredity which are the result of countless centuries of feeble but persistent influence."
Nikola Tesla

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Chapter Eight: Psychedelics, plants and an unwinnable war.

Anyone who has actually been around using people psychedelics know they have
tremendous therapeutic potential. Tremendous potential to launch people into
confrontations with aspects of their personality or their history that they are in denial of.
The people that hold that these psychedelic substances have no application have very
little personal experience with them. Its the old story of- my mind is made up, dont
confuse me with facts.- Terence Mckenna.
The war on drugs however is still very relevant to my subject matter of psychedelic
plants so does need covering in a little more detail. However it wont be great detail by
any means as I will be talking about further personal experiences later as well as some
friends accounts of the Ayahuasca retreat I attended. You can find all the information
you want about the war on drugs on the internet, but mine and my new found friends
accounts is a different kettle of fish. By now I'm sure you're well aware of my opinions
towards plant medicines or psychedelics, or you will be once youve read this and the
next chapter. I don't think I need to stress any further how beneficial I think they are, or
the right ones used in the right way at least. In this short chapter I am just going to point
out a few things that will, or should, help convince you of the total hypocrisy that
surrounds the war on drugs, if only to further insight into the true nature of our ruling
bodies...
I firmly believe the legalisation of all drugs is the answer. I know a lot of you probably
think that drugs are illegal to keep your kids safe, and our brain cells intact, that they
are made illegal to protect us, and for our own good, but that is simply not the case.
Medicines such as cannabis and Ayahuasca are made illegal primarily because of the
money Big Pharma, alcohol and paper industries amongst others would lose. They of
course are linked to governments through campaign funding in a very big way. In the
US these are treated as schedule one drugs, and have no medicinal benefit and that is
nothing short of preposterous. The fact is though they have medicinal benefit. The
government is lying to you again. Regardless of any medicinal benefit mind you, if you
are not free to alter your own consciousness then you are never really free.
The state should not in the matter of drugs, any more than in the matter of sex, act as
the secret agent for the agenda of the church. And thats whats happening. People
want to stimulate themselves, they want to explore their consciousness; they want to
sedate themselves. Who are we to stand in their way with a moral ideology and the
long, heavy arm of the law to interfere with that? It distorts civilised values, thats the
bottom line, drug repression distorts civilised values and political discourse.- Terence
Mckenna.
Heroin and cocaine and other addictive drugs are also kept illegal as the man makes
more money from them that way basically. Ninety percent of the worlds heroin

originates from Afghanistan- how else is it getting into your country? NATO are
protecting the heroin fields in Afghanistan; the ones that the Taliban wanted to destroy
and indeed were doing a good job until we turned up. Now they have tripled in size. It
doesn't need Einstein to tell you that they are making money, a lot of money from drugs.
The hypocrisy is unbelievable is it not? They will throw you in jail if they catch you with
it, but yet they supply it, well, not directly on the street of course, but how else does it
get into our countries? Many mules needed methinks even if people did want to travel
to Helmand Province for a holiday.
We know that HSBC were just caught bang to rights laundering Mexican drug cartels
money and received a mere slap on the wrist. How can that be right when you can be
put in jail for smoking a joint? The hypocrisy is unbelievable, it really is. I have seen
various news reports concerning the increase in the Afghan poppy fields and opium
production, and could quote many other sources- they are by no means isolated reports
or conspiracy theory. If you put two and two together there is no rational alternative
conclusion to the fact that it's the bankers who are behind it all, getting rich of others
misery as per the norm. Ive even read in comments someone saying that its the heroin
trade thats propping up the US economy and that they need it or the country will
collapse. I mean what the fuck? I had to respond saying that if we get rid of the central
banking system and associated fraudulent national debt then it is as superfluous as a
third nipple or words to that effect.
As well as getting rich they exert a certain amount of control. It's generally low income
people that get addicted to heroin, and these are the people who have most against
the governments obviously, already having been discarded. They use fluoride in the
water supply in most of America as well as Ireland and some parts of the UK. They
want to introduce it in Hampshire and other counties in England so as you can imagine
Im not particularly happy about it but it will assist in their demise. They are feeding
children and adults pharmaceutical drugs by the bucket loads, and using the media to
sell this poison to you, whilst at the same time using the media to sell you the other
drugs they're importing on the sly. When crack was discovered it was practically
advertised on the news. "This stuff is lethal, and it's cheap!" Hell, they even enrolled
the President to help with the ad campaign, sat in The Whitehouse with a huge pile of
crack on his desk! They want the public docile. They want no more creativity or free
will. If they want to calm people down then legalising cannabis would do that. Sod the
heroin, fluoride and the lithium. You can keep them thanks. Alan Watts puts in brilliantly
in his Cloud Hidden, Whereabouts Unknown Journal.
"If the government wants to keep the people docile and avoid violence in the streets, it
might note that lawn order follows from legalised grass".
I love quotes as I've said, and I think this is now my second favourite. Seriously though,
all you need do to satisfy yourself that decriminalising drugs works is look at Portugal
and their crime rates compared to others. Hard drug use and H.I.V. cases are also
down considerably since they changed the law. Switzerland and Holland, and now
Uruguay are also taking steps in the right direction. Everyone knows the war has failed.
It was an unrealistic effort as well as a farce from the get go. You will never stamp out

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drug use. People like to alter their consciousness. So do monkeys and many other
animals. As long as you harm no others then wheres the harm in it?
The governments tell you they make these substances illegal for your health but they
do not have our best interests or health at heart. Greed has overcome sanity, reason,
compassion and care for fellow humans and our beautiful planet and it won't do any
more; it can't do any more. The fate of the world could very well depend on it, it is that
serious. I'm not talking about a bullshit apocalyptic event such as Nibiru, but the steady
decay that is eating away at us and mother earth. Psychedelics, particularly Ayahuasca
can guide us in what we need to do to restore us and the planet to our former glories,
of that I am positive. Hemp, or marijuana as it is now more commonly known is nothing
short of a miracle I assure you. Apart from its medicinal properties it is capable of
providing a sustainable source of food, rich in a lot of nutrients, and can be used in all
manner of ways, making paper, textiles, clothes, plastic and even concrete. In the same
amount of acreage you can produce the same amount of higher quality paper from
hemp as you can from trees- in just four months! Why do we continue to cut down the
lungs of the planet?
Medically speaking, it can do all sorts. Just research Rick Simpson, the man who is
currently in exile from his home nation of Canada, and producer of the wonderful
documentary Run From The Cure. He is currently working on the follow up Run To The
Cure. People know about the healing powers of cannabis now and are running to it as
a cure. Yippidy doo da, Yippidy day Rick though, still can't go home for fear of arrest
for curing thousands of people over the course of several years with medicinal hemp
oil however. How is that a crime? The man deserves the Nobel Prize yet he is wanted
as a criminal. That is nothing short of preposterous and surely a massive indication that
our governments are conspiring with corporations. There is no money in cures, just
treatment, and that fact is being abused beyond imagination. It has to stop- like
yesterday.
This is the single biggest factor we have in our favour now for replacing the current
system. We cannot trust the people who have hidden this from us through corruption.
Hemp was used as a medicine for hundreds of years, people never got cancer. Now
we ingest the chemicals they feed us on a day to day basis, millions get cancer, and
pay through the nose for ineffective chemotherapy that only makes things worse, when
there is a perfectly natural plant that can likely cure you. Cannabis is not addictive in
any way and has got zero deaths attributed to it. Look at what the legal drug alcohol
does, and how many that has killed. Case well and truly rested. I will no longer beat
that dead horse, though everyone mentions it at some point right? Did you know that
up until about the year 1900, half of the medicine in the world stemmed from weed?
Yup!
The government has known about the healing properties of hemp for a long, long time,
I promise you. It is nothing short of murder really that they keep it from us. The so called
authorities have known about the cancer fighting properties of cannabis for at least forty

years and evidence to show it is out there in British and American health publications.
It is a travesty of the highest order that this plant has been demonised for so long so
that pharmaceutical companies continue to profit. To my mind, anyone involved has to
be arrested; they can take the place of the people in jail for cannabis offences. Support
and demand is growing for its legalisation and use, but if that does happen, they will
still want to control its use I'm sure, and that can't be allowed to happen. It's like air and
water, it should be freely available to anyone. It's a plant, a gift- a sustainable miracle.
What reasons do they give for making it illegal? It gets you high, and will lead to harder
drugs. Thats bullshit, well, it gets you high granted, but when high you are in more
control than when drunk, far less aggressive and a lot more caring. It will not lead you
onto harder drugs. There is no suitable test to determine that whatsoever.
The other plant based medicine that needs to be legal everywhere is of course
Ayahuasca. Drinking Ayahuasca may not be a pleasurable experience, it does taste
absolutely foul I can assure you, but it is something I fervently believe everyone should
try, in the right setting of course. Mental and physical healing will accompany new found
affirmations that there is something else, something more, something hidden from us
in the day to day of normal life. If you meet Mother Ayahuasca she may take you
through some bad times in your life, either things that have happened to you, or that
you have done, and are ashamed about, but she will do so for very good reasons, and
always with a loving touch. You may be forced to re-live some deep seated stuff,
dredged up from somewhere you may not even consciously know about, but it will be
done for good reasons. She is here to help us, I promise you. She has nothing but love
for us, she wants to help us get back to our former selves, back to the people we were
long ago, but have forgotten. She wants to help us rediscover what we are, and that is
light and love. She wants to, and can, tell us what we need to do to heal the planet and
ourselves. I went on the retreat as indicated earlier and that is detailed in depth shortly
so I won't talk about it any further here. There are other plants such as Ibogaine that
will also cure opiate and alcohol addiction, that is a proven fact; yet its illegal nearly
everywhere too. Makes sense huh?
We would be far better off if all drugs were legalised, and aid was given to those
suffering with addiction. On the face of it, it's quite amazing to think that the powers that
be don't decrminalise drugs and sell to us themselves. They must know we're going to
take them anyway, they must know it would free up police manpower to tackle actual
crime, as well as save the billions spent on this senseless war right? There has to be a
reason they don't then, stands to reason yes? It's because drugs are bad for you and
addictive! No, hang on, we've squashed that theory, otherwise alcohol and cigs would
be illegal too. All the medicines I've mentioned are not physically addictive whatsoever
by the way. So, what possible reason could there be?
There are a couple of reasons, the rather obvious one being money of course, them
being illegal not only artificially inflates the price it also gives rise to countless jobs and
budget increases ad infinitum. The other prime reason being that they are afraid of the
insight they give to people, it's as simple as that. Anyone who has had them no longer
wants to be treated like a mushroom, kept in the dark and fed on shit. They no longer

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believe everything they cannot confirm for themselves through thought, intuition or
feeling. They become inquisitive, challenge authority and start to think, rather than act
like a cog and grind away, unwittingly doing their bidding whilst they chortle away
smugly. They worry that people will "drop out" I suppose and stop paying their taxes. I
think they make you more creative, open your mind to new possibilities, as has been
shown by my mushroom experience and playing poker, or my changa experience and
this book. Even if people do drop out of their jobs, it just creates jobs for the currently
unemployed, what's the problem?
They make far more money from drugs being illegal because it is them that are shipping
them in from Afghanistan, Mexico and other places, and they continue to make billions
in the pharmaceutical industry because plants are made illegal. Plants. . . I just want
to stress that word. Plants were here before politicians and statutes; a long time before.
Meanwhile, they are feeding millions of people chemicals born in a lab that have
disastrous side effects, whilst they ban us from growing something naturally that will
cure us at next to no cost, or more importantly profit for them. I cured my anxiety
problems with changa and I'm sure it could help with depression too. By the time I had
my experience my depression had gone, but I still wasn't exactly happy. My anxiety
problems were washed away, and my unhappiness was sent packing. I wasn't only
happy because my anxiety had gone either. The pure unadulterated joy was a bit
beyond merely being happy and that was down to being able to appreciate everything
on the whole a whole lot more, but the fact remains that the anxiety was obliterated; a
one-off cure.
I did also have a section in here regarding the pharmaceutical scam that is wreaking
havoc in the world but all that information was gained from one rather well made, but
deeply disturbing video. Please, if you take, or you know anyone who takes prescription
medicines, particularly anti-depressants, then you need to watch Making A Killing on
YouTube. These pills kill. I think the estimated figure is something like 3000 suicides a
month. There were close to four hundred suicides in the US armed forces in 2011 alone,
far more than died in combat. I'm sure some of these were "suicided" for attempting to
put an end to the poppy field protection, but I'm also pretty certain that a lot are to do
with prescribed drugs. They are now giving these drugs to all soldiers apparently to
ward off any possible future effect of PTSD, regardless if you have shown any sign of
it or not. Soldiers are being kicked out of the military whilst it's privatised, fed these
drugs and sent back to a society where there are no jobs, kicked out of their houses
and left homeless and vulnerable. MAPS are doing work on the positive effects of
MDMA in treating PTSD. Look into that if you are affected. I guarantee you it will be
better for you than Prozac or another of its family of drugs. Ayahuasca will help and Im
sure changa would too. Cannabis will also help and all three are more natural than
MDMA, though that is amazing in its own right. Magic mushrooms and LSD also have
medicinal uses, both are excellent at fighting cluster headaches for example, as well
as easing anxiety in terminally ill patients. Ive seen another documentary featuring a
sufferer of chronic cluster headaches. He had to port his oxygen tank round with him

everywhere he went in case struck by one as they hit without warning and frequently.
A single large dose of psilocybin every three months kept them at bay and he could
lead a normal life. The rather brilliant Neurons to Nirvana is now widely available to
view on Netflix. If you still have any doubt about the healing powers of psychedelics
after reading this then you would do a lot worse than to make that your first port of call,
trust me.
There are an estimated 100 million people on psychiatric drugs worldwide currently, so
I'm appealing to you first and foremost as one of my target audience. I can help you,
follow my advice, give up those drugs, flush them down the loo. Then flush your system
out for a good few weeks at least, and then have some Ayahuasca, changa or DMT. I
cant guarantee you that you will feel a thousand times better after a good solid
breakthrough experience obviously but I suspect you might. It happened to me after all
and the best thing to speak from is experience. During my research over the last
eighteen months or so I have found an astonishing amount of similar healing.
These substances are certainly not for everyone though they should be freely available
to everyone. I dont drink anymore but the option is there if I want it and that should be
the way with these plants- choice. It is MOST important that you leave a decent amount
of time after stopping taking anti-depressants and smoking DMT or drinking Ayahuasca
(I'm not exactly sure what it is as I have never taken any happy pills myself so didn't
need to research it, but they do vary depending on the drug. A four to six weeks flush
is necessary as a minimum generally from my limited understanding. They don't mix
well with an active ingredient of DMT so you need to clean them out your system and
leave however long before taking the proper medicine; look it up, stay safe.) There is
also a diet needs adopting at least 24 hours, and preferably longer before and after
drinking Ayahuasca. There is plenty of information available on the internet.
Generally speaking you are presented with a certain view of drugs to influence your
opinion like Lysergic Acid for example. Im sure youve all seen the old black and white
films of people cowering in corners or heard the tales of the bad terror trips. Whilst
some may experience bad trips these are nearly always trying to teach you something
you need to know. Without LSD we would not have had half of the medicinal drugs
available to us today for treating depression related illness, or at least we wouldnt have
had them as quickly. Personally I think the problems would be far better solved if you
just gave the patient the LSD itself. Youve just read about my opinions towards
prescription meds. Doctor Albert Hofmann discovered the powerful effect of LSD in
1943 after absorbing a small amount by accident, after first synthesizing it in November
1938. There is a wonderful documentary on you tube regarding this called Albert
Hofmann's potion-lsd. Please watch it, he truly was a remarkable man, only recently
passing away in 2008, aged 102!
"It gave me an inner joy, an open mindedness, a gratefulness, open eyes and an
internal sensitivity for the miracles of creation. I think that in human evolution it has
never been as necessary to have this substance LSD. It is just a tool to turn us into
what we are supposed to be.

156
Albert

Hofmann, from his speech on his 100th birthday. In 2007 he was ranked a
shared first place, alongside Tim Berners-Lee (inventor of the worldwide web) in The
Telegraph's list of 100 greatest living geniuses. I firmly believe that it is psychedelics
that will help further human evolution.
One of the doctors currently allowed today to carry on the research into medicinal
psychedelic usage has this to say on LSD.
One of the tragedies to me is that clinical research on these substances pretty much
stopped around 1970, and for me its especially tragic because I really believe that
these substances played a major role in our philosophy and thinking throughout the
world. What a lot of people dont realise is that psychiatry up until the 1950s and in the
filed in general had no concept that neuro chemistry played any role in emotional
behaviour, which today seems really bizarre, and the discovery of LSD and its potent
effects on the human psyche occurred almost contemporaneously with the discovery
of serotonin as a molecule in the brain. It was really when people looked at the structure
of serotonin and compared it with LSD that they really began to think, you know maybe
neuro chemistry plays a role in brain chemistry and behavioural states. If LSD had not
been discovered I doubt we would have any of the drugs we have, at least not as
quickly, as we do for treating depression and so forth. - Dave Nichols Ph.D. Medicinal
chemist.
Terence Mckenna had the following to say about LSD, in his own wonderful wayI think its a great tragedy of 20th century science that the original excitement about
exploring consciousness and mental illness generated by the discovery of LSD gave
way to establishment paranoia and repression of drug using populations. The
excitement in psychology when LSD was first introduced was like the excitement in the
physics community when the atom was smashed, and everybody thought well know
well understand mental illness, schizophrenia, memory, so forth and so on and instead
the government lost its nerve because it saw that these substances have the potential
for deprogramming people to institutional values. And that was so terrifying that all the
promise for mental illness and creativity studies and so on and so forth was sacrificed
to institutional paranoia about the fact that drugs may actually cause people to wake
up to some of the abuses and scams that were being run by late modernism and
capitalism.
To tie up my little dedicated section to drugs, particularly psychedelic ones, I would love
to end with some more words from Terence. He is just a great a hero of mine as Alan
Watts. Though they both remain in spirit due to technology and books, the world could
very much do with them around in the flesh at present. This last quote is taken from a
speech which can be found on YouTube titled Culture is not your friend. It hits so many
of the various little areas I have briefly talked about in this chapter and throughout the
whole book.

In the past hundred years as these super-technologies have been developed in the
west. The smashing of atoms, the invention of radio, television, computer, immunology,
so forth and so on, data has been arriving about the practice of aboriginal cultures all
over the planet. That they dissolve ordinary realities, ordinary values, through an
interaction, a symbiosis, a relationship to local plants that perturb brain chemistry, and
in this domain of perturbed brain chemistry the cultural operating system is wiped clean,
and something older, even for these people, something older, more vitalistic, more in
touch with the animal soul replaces it. Replaces the cultural operating system,
something not determined by history or geography, but something writ in the language
of the flesh itself. This is who you are, this is true nakedness. You are not naked when
you take off your clothes, you still wear your religious assumptions, your prejudices,
your fears, your illusions, your delusions. When you shed the cultural operating system
then essentially you stand naked before the inspection of your own psyche. Desmond
Morris called it the naked ape, and its from that position, a position outside the cultural
operating system that we can begin to ask real questions about what does it mean to
be human, what kind of circumstance are we caught in? And what kind of structures, if
any, can we put in place to assuage the pain and accentuate the glory and the wonder
that lurks waiting for us in this very narrow slice of time between the birth canal and the
yawning grave.
-Terrence then talks a little about travelling for a while and accordingly observing the
different cultures and their operating systems in place, before continuing
And then the question is how does one download a new operating system? Well first
of all you have to clear some space on your disk. The best way to do this is probably
with a pharmacological agent. Psilocybin is an excellent disk cleaner; you can put a lot
of things in the trash and have them just disappear with a psilocybin upgrade. Other
pharmacological agents that will clear your disk are Ayahuasca, and of course these
are gentle cleanings of the disk that can take five, six/seven hours. If youre in a hurry
to dump that old data and leap right into the new operating system, er, click on the
button marked Dimethlytryptamine: a compressed disk eraser will immediately be
downloaded, un-stuffed, bin-hexed, implemented, installed, run, and you will find
yourself with an entirely different head. Now shamans have always known, though they
may not have used the kind of language Im using here, shamans have always known
this trick. What trick? It has two facets. First of all, that culture is an operating system,
thats all it is, and that the operating system can be wiped out and replaced by
something else. So, essentially whats going on amongst shamans and those who
resort to them for curing and counselling and so forth is somebody is running a slightly
more advanced operating system than the customer. The shaman is in possession of
certain facts about plants, about animals about healing, about human psychology,
about local geography, about mojo of many different sorts that the client is not aware
of. The customer is running culture light. The shaman paid for the registered version of
the software and is running a much heavier version of the software than the client. I
think we should all aspire to make this upgrade. Its very important that you have all the
bells and whistles on your operating system, otherwise somebody is going to be able

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to get a leg up on you. Well, whats wrong with the operating system we have? Er,
consumer capitalism 5.0 or whatever it is. Well its dumb er, its retro, its very noncompetitive, its messy, it wastes the environment, it wastes human resources, its
inefficient , it runs on stereotypes, it runs on low sample rates which cause stereotypes.
Low sample rates make everybody appear alike when in fact the glory is in everyones
differences, and in fact the current operating system is flawed, it actually has bugs in it
that generate contradictions. Contradictions such as were cutting the earth from
beneath our own feet. Were poisoning the atmosphere that we breathe. This is not
intelligent behaviour, this is a culture with a bug in its operating system thats making it
produce erratic, dysfunctional, malfunctional behaviour. Time to call the techs. And who
are the techs? The shaman are the techs. Terence Mckenna.

Chapter Nine: Bodhisattvas and Stupas

If youre not the hero of your own story then you need to do some heavy editing.
Terence McKenna.

Sorry, continuing my theme of back to back quotes a little. Einstein and Mckenna are
both legends in their own ways, but if I had to pick one to be shipwrecked with it would
be Terence- hands down. Now I'm going to go take you back to sometime in March last
year (2013) in my personal life as it's related to me not going overboard with conspiracy
or politics and wanting to concentrate more on spirituality and healing if possible and
as that section is now done and dusted, and this happened before the Ayahuasca
retreat I talk about after it fits in here. (I suppose I could have had this sorted out so
much earlier if I followed a chronological path throughout.) Although this was written
after the initial release, it was still written some time ago, before all the various delays.
All or nearly all of it has been reshaped in one way or another over the last year or so
but not too much. Ive tried to leave it as is in the most part because I feel that if I
changed it too much then I may be at risk of losing some of the natural confusion and
uncertainty that surrounded me at time of writing. As a result some of it may seem
dated as written a fair while ago now, but hopefully youll now understand why?
It became apparent to me I had been spending too much time on conspiracy stuff, and
getting distracted by it all. I think it's important I include at least some of what I've written
about it so far as I genuinely believe that most people are oblivious to it. I now realise,
with some assistance, that it's not what my objective was at the beginning. Initially I just
wanted to help people who may be suffering needlessly like I had for a long time. I have
come full circle if you like. Perhaps by concentrating on the healing side of things, and
including the small amount of content on world affairs then I might reach some people
who might not otherwise have cottoned onto it all and that can only be a good thing.
We really do need to address the problems we face in the form of government, shadow
governments and bankers, and it is likely that this has to be done so that we can freely
access these healing plants- for those that care about stuff written on paper anyway.
I had another sign in March that related to the vision I had in July the year before, that
could well just be a coincidence but I don't think so as it's not the first time that sort of
thing has happened as you know by now! It heavily influenced my decision to go back
to concentrating on the original topic at hand and subsequent events that led up to me
going on the Ayahuasca retreat compounded that decision. (Okay, I sort of ignored the
sign again later on and continued to put in some conspiracy stuff before the final haircut,
but hey thats me- indecisiveness personified.) Essentially I found out new information
regarding my experience by listening to an Alan Watts talk on YouTube that I had as
yet not heard before. This in itself is almost a minor miracle as in the months since
discovering him in August I thought I had pretty much listened to every available lecture
or talk of his that I could find. I left the details of the vision in the earlier description as
they were when I wrote them initially because when I wrote it I had no idea who I was

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talking to so I thought it would be better in its original context. I still don't have an actual
name for them but I now know what they were.
The early part of this particular Watts discussion centres around Bodhisattvas, and
when Watts described them as being hermaphrodites, my ears pricked up like a dogs
would on hearing a key scratching at the front door. Watts then goes on to describe
Bodhisattvas as enlightened beings who had the chance to go to Nirvana as a Buddha
but choose to remain and help all sentient beings achieve enlightenment themselves.
As such they are worshipped by the various countries in which Buddhism is practiced.
They have a selfless "leave no man behind" attitude and won't depart for Nirvana until
all are enlightened. In essence they will never be happy and content until all others are
too. Whilst I cannot clearly remember the face of the being I was talking to fully, I will
never forget the initial first few moments of the meeting where I was trying to determine
whether they were masculine or feminine. They were definitely twin sexed, having both
female and male characteristics, and they did indeed help me greatly, in amounts
without measure really. I was talking to a Bodhisattva. Wow.
That was exciting enough to finally piece that bit of mystery together, but it gets better.
The fact that this was important was pressed home later on that very night at home
upon getting into bed with another example of astonishing synchronicity. Five nights
out of seven I have to set a radio alarm for work the next day, and after setting the time
you always want to check that the radio is tuned in and loud enough to wake you in the
morning dont you? On numerous occasion in the past when I set the alarm I have
thought that the song being played at the time in some ways tied in with what I was
thinking about during the day- I swear. It's always seemed a bit uncanny when it has
happened previously but the last time I noticed anything was some while ago now and
the details escape me.
When I climbed into bed and reached over to set the alarm this particular night I first
noticed that the alarm time was set at 9:11. (Occasionally I decide to alter my standard
set of four or five ten minutes snooze sessions and reset the alarm from the original
08:30 to the latest possible time that I have to drag myself out of bed, aiming for one
big snooze instead of several small ones. When this happens I'm usually in a deep
slumber, my hand peeping out from under the covers bashing buttons aimlessly on the
clock radio, aiming for around ten to fifteen minutes past nine.) So, I notice the 9:11
time first of all and then set it back to 08:30. Whether or not because it was because of
me noticing the alarm having been set at 9:11 or not I'm not sure but before I turned
the radio on to ensure it was tuned in, something made me wonder whether it would be
playing a synchronistic or "coincidental" song. I promise you I was thinking that prior to
turning the radio on. Cross my heart, hope to die and all that malarkey.
Vaguely familiar drum tones greeted my ears as I flicked the switch but I couldn't quite
place them; it wasn't a common song, so I set about getting comfy in my pit. Then it
struck me, and I was sure what it was. The drums continued for a while longer and then
a couple of lines were sang before the chorus of Dude looks like a lady confirmed my

suspicions. Holy shit! I wish I could remember prior examples so I can prove to you I'm
not nuts when I say I get signs or nudges through various ways on numerous occasions.
I don't understand them myself, though I suspect they are breadcrumbs or clues. I just
know that they happened, and I'll take a lie detector test to prove it if needs be as I've
already stated.
Aerosmith do not generally get a lot of air time in the UK these days so the odds of it
being played once or twice a year must be extremely slim, but to have it played on the
day I discover I was talking to a Bodhisattva, at the exact same time that I decide to
turn in for the night, and had actually been wondering if some synchronicity would
occur? I'm not sure if that would equate to more or less than twelve million to one, if it
could possibly be worked out, but I assume it would be in the same ballpark as a
minimum. Further details surrounding the vision also fell into place a bit further down
the line, but to avoid keep coming back to the same scenario time and time again Ill
cover it now, otherwise it will become more convoluted than even I can handle, and I
thrive in mess and confusion.
The tower that I saw, and entered for my healing experience, was a Stupa. I have
already alluded to the fact that I was not religious in any way before my experience; I
knew practically nothing about any religion. Whether or not Buddhism is actually a
religion or not still poses some debate in itself, but is neither here nor there either in the
grand scheme of things anyway- words are just labels after all. What Im trying to get
at is whether or not its a religion I knew practically nothing about it, so had no idea
about Stupas, Bodhisattvas and the path to enlightenment or anything like that. With
that in mind I just have something to ask of those who think this vision was a mere
hallucination before I go on to talk about Stupas a little more- How can it be? Think
about it for a second. . .
The Stupa represents Buddha's holy mind, Dharmakaya, and each part of the Stupa
shows the path to Enlightenment. Building a Stupa is a very powerful way to purify
negative karma and obscurations, and to accumulate extensive merit. In this way you
can have realisations of the path to Enlightenment and be able to do perfect work to
liberate suffering beings, who equal the sky, leading them to the peerless happiness of
Enlightenment, which is the ultimate goal of our life.- About Stupas from Stupa.org.
If I was merely hallucinating please tell me how my mind managed to know about
Bodhisattvas and Stupas to conjure these hallucinations if I have never seen, heard
or read about them previously? Not only did I somehow conjure these images without
knowing of them, I was also instantaneously healed.
This for me is the big point hence the possible over-stressing of it but please try to
consider what a Stupa represents from the description above and link that with the
healing I received. I am reluctant to say enlightenment, and not just because Im aware
that enlightened people dont go round saying they are enlightened either; this isnt me
being coy. I did call it the most enlightening experience of my life, but theres a huge
difference between an enlightening experience and being enlightened. . . Whilst I
happily admit I am not enlightened, for those first few months it sure did feel like I was.

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Maybe it was the first step you know? A taster. Further reading on Stupas has given
me the impression that it was. Its certainly a path I want to follow anyway, and not just
because the website says its the ultimate goal of our lives either, but for the reasons I
have already stated.
Ive read the Tibetan book of living and dying by Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche since the
experience and it is probably the best book Ive ever bought. If everyone read this book
and took heed of it, then the world would improve drastically I assure you; it is a work
of love as well as art. This is a quote I found from him regarding Dharmakaya Stupas.
This stupa is called a Dharmakaya Stupa. Within it, the guru dwells unchanging. The
Buddha said whoever sees a Dharmakaya Stupa will be liberated by the sight of it.
Feeling the breeze nearby the stupa liberates one by its touch. The sound of the tinkling
bells hanging on the stupa liberates by their sound. Thus, having seen or experienced
this stupa, by thinking of ones experience of it, one is liberated through recollection.

Momentarily there will be a fair few souliloquies of mine that relate to this great book so
I wont talk about it any further here, or spiritual practice. Like Ive said Im no spiritual
guru myself by any means; Im not even sure Im meditating properly yet when I attempt
to do it so Im probably not the best to give advice on the matter either. I just hope to
be able to convince some of the doubters in spirituality by recounting my experiences
that there is something in it. If it can happen to me it can happen to you. And besides
rather than look for a guru, just remember that you have the Buddha nature in you
anyway; we all do, so just be yourself. Be happy, spread love and joy and the world will
appreciate it. I cant remember who I heard say it or where, but I will always remember
what they said when asked if they would be someones guru Just look at the spelling
of Guru GURU. (Gee, you are you.)
As you could probably tell most of that last little section was written in the time when I
was losing jobs left right and centre, but as I have more or less got this into a rough
chronological order I didnt want to edit it to bring it in line with the release. It sorts of
fits this way if you ask me, but that probably will mean youll see it as daft hrmph. Here
seems like a good point to enter the next batch of talks, most are about that wonderful
book Ive just mentioned.
"Right, it might sound a bit weird, but I've literally tonight just started reading The Tibetan Book
of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche, and I'm twenty or thirty pages in- it's absolutely
brilliant. He writes very clearly. Erm, usually when I've been reading stuff lately I find my mind
drifting. I've got to stop and re read bits all the time. Well, he's got me enthralled. Anyway, the
point I've just clicked this on to make. . . I just have a feeling about this right, coz people's
opinions, other people's opinion with DMT like, they seem to be thinking you're speaking to

your higher self. Now essentially, if we all are one then you are anyway.... What am I trying to
say? Because I saw and spoke to the Bodhisattva, I'm not saying I am a Bodhisattva myself,
though I do have a great desire to help people but because I saw Buddhist rather than....right,
hang on; context I read this guy's report the other day, who had taken a lot of DMT, and he
says when he holds the conversation with the psychedelic, when he was talking to the elves or
something, he said that the elves told him that they appear to different people in different DMT
visions depending on their religious beliefs. Like if it was a Christian they would appear as
Jesus, if he was a Buddhist then they'd appear as a Buddha, er that sort of thing. So why did I
see a Bodhisattva? Now, I just read this section in the book which is saying...he's just saying
how in life, in the west, how there's this thirst, how we're constantly chasing the next thing, and
do this and do that, and how you don't really just sit back and enjoy your life. Always chasing a
job, chasing a promotion...They're just happy to just sit around with the basics, that's all you
need. There's a little thing there that saysRemember the example of an old cow,
She's content to sleep in a barn.
You have to eat, sleep, and shitThat's unavoidableBeyond that is none of your business.
-I think it's brilliant, you know what I mean? I'm looking around my flat now as I read, and I do
definitely think in a former life, that I was in a monastery or something. He's saying that he was
spotted at a very early age as the reincarnation of Lerab Lingpa Terton Sogyal by Jamyang
Khyentse Chojri Lodo. I'm sure I have Tibetan or Buddhist links from somewhere because as I
look around my flat- Just got to mention this before I get onto my flat or I'll forget it- Our client
at work often took our team out for dinner and drinks; once when absolutely pissed with the
partners of this firm that we're meant to be impressing I shlurred "I'm not fucking intereshted in
a fucking career!" I mean I've never been interested in chasing a job just to get the extra money,
and the increased stress because it's not important to me. All I wanted to do was be happy you
know what I mean, and for a long time I wasn't happy. Now, ever since July I've been happy.
I've not even been concerned about trying to find a woman or anything, though that is something
that I do want to do when I finish the book, but at the moment I'm just happy. So yeah, never
been interested in working, I don't want to work so that's why this book is important. Id like to
travel for a while first off, and I don't really want to sell everything to do it. I want to go to Tibet,
I want to go to India, to China. I haven't been to Asia in this life yet and it's somewhere I really
want to explore. I want to go back to Australia, New Zealand, Canada...There's loads of places
I want to goRight, so, yeah, the state of my flat right... I haven't done anything with it in all
the years I've been here, I've already written somewhere I'm sure about the dodgy wallpaper
that's in my bedroom, from the previous owners. This really cheesy border that shouts love and
stuff. Though it is really garish I suppose it's nice to have love written across the wall, you know
what I mean, it's nice.... I haven't painted, I haven't put a new bathroom in, and many people
will testify to the state of my bog, but I did clean that... I cleaned it to try and impress a woman

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at one stage...There was years of crap down there- not literally; just a stained pan. It took a lot
of acid (not that type of acid) and hard work. I know I should clean up more, It's not something
I'm proud about, and I can address that, but I don't need to have all new stuff, I don't need a new
bathroom or kitchen or a new... thingy- I don't need to paint, decorate or plaster. I can't be arsed
to do that, it doesn't matter to me, I don't care about it. I'm not even worried about living in a
mess. I am organised chaos. I put things down wherever and eventually I tidy up once every five
or six weeks or something. I always know where to find stuff, apart from that bong I lost. Yeah,
er, that's just the way I am. So all of that in summary, is basically I'm saying because I saw a
Buddha, possibly the elves know me, through some sort of third eye link, well Buddhism
definitely fits with my philosophy more than anything else. I believe in reincarnation, erm, I
already don't think... well I'm not afraid of dying, and I haven't even read this book yet. I'm only
on page twenty. I haven't been afraid of dying for a long time. I really don't care, BUT I do want
to live obviously, I'm not scared of death, it's certain, how and when is uncertain but it is certain.
You can't cheat it, you can't run away from it, there's no point putting off thinking about it by
filling every moment of your life with stuff to prevent boredom, well not boredom, but to avoid
contemplating life, and death, and facing real issues you know what I mean. People generally
go to work, finish work, get home, shower, or have tea, then watch telly or do whatever they do,
go to the pub, spend four pounds a pint on alcohol at the moment....They do anything they can
to avoid it. And what do they talk about in the pub? What's on the TV or how their football team
is doing, and thats what I used to wonder you know what I mean, is what the fuck do people
talk about all the time. I think you've really just got look inside yourself, ask the questions of
yourself, take some time out and just think, and maybe then try and find someone else who's
willing to share the same sort of conversation with you. Anyway, that's 8 minutes forty-seven
seconds I've been waffling for there- that's the longest talk I've ever done. It's probably a load
of shit, but I'll listen to it back, and stick it in the book eh?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention my extractor fan in the kitchen- it fell off. . . about five years ago
now as an estimate, I don't really have an urgent sense of time, but there's been two great big
holes in my kitchen wall for a long time, which I still having filled in and painted. I mean that
doesn't even cost that much to fix , I haven't fixed my double glazing coz it costs too much, I
haven't got the money, but I could get a bit of filler and some paint, but I haven't bothered. That
would bother everybody I know I know. . . I know I know everybody I know . . . well everybody
I know I know obviously . . . what the fuck am I am on about? Everyone that I know, I know
that they would be bothered by that. . . I just know it. It doesn't bother me though. What else?
There was something else, erm, shit. Oh God, if I hadn't waffled so much last time when I
clicked it on, I should have just got the things that I wanted to say said, but I just waffled. Oh
yeah, yeah, there's just loads of crap up there in the loft from the previous owner, never even
bothered to take it out, it's up there in the loft out the way you know what I mean? Same carpets
for the thirteen and a half years now I've been in here? Got the same curtains, the same similar
sort of border that's in my bedroom. Well, it's not a similar border, it aint got love on it, erm,
it's the same border that was in here originally, just above the same crappy dado railing that's
still there. The timber beams that others say I should cover up to make it look more modern, are

still there. There's a fan hanging from the ceiling that I don't really need but haven't taken down,
yeah none of it's changed in thirteen and a half years hrmph. . . none of it's changed!"
"On the off chance I can't find another job. I'm confident I can find another job if I have to. I
don't really want to, like I say I don't want to work for a living. Yeah, writing is not working,
it's enjoyable so I'd like to do that, or photography, something where I don't have to go and work
for anyone else anyway, I don't want to do that. If I can't find...If the book doesn't work and I
can't find a job I'm just going to put my flat on the market, and just fuck off. Do the littlest hobo,
down the road it's where I'll always be, every stop I make I make a new friend, just turn your
back and I'm gone again and all that sort of stuff and just go place to place until I get to where
feels right I suppose. Obviously keep in contact with my mum and dad, and come back to
England at some stage, but yeah that is an option Just offskis."
"Yeah, and no matter where I'm travelling, I'm definitely going to be in Hungary in August."
(I was.)
"Yeah, everyone's got to buy this book. It's ten pound ninety-nine in any good book shop, that's
what I paid for it, maybe a little bit less with a buy one get one half price jobby. Yeah, it's
amazing, just twenty-one pages in, I've already found loads of stuff I want to quote. There's so
much stuff that has got real resonance with my life and the way I look at things at the moment.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to be up most of the night reading this, or until I'm too tired anyway.
Got no cannabis again for the third night in a row now, and not slept that well last couple of
nights after sleeping well without it for a couple nights previously, well maybe I was just
knackered then and I do need longer to get it out of my system or not, I dont know. I'm going
to go to bed thinking positive happy thoughts again and see if that helps...Yeah anyway, here
he's talking about how he thinks the greatest achievement of modern culture is it's brilliant
selling of Samsara, and it's distractions, saying we're obsessed with just keeping ourselves totally
occupied with escaping finding out the truth of life you know what I mean? Just distractions and
distractions, and then he says, and I'll actually quote here rather than try and summarise because
I can't really do that very well, that's why I like to quote, and he says "Obsessed then with false
dreams, hopes and ambitions which promise happiness but only lead to misery, we are like
people crawling in an endless desert, dying of thirst. And that all Samsara hold out for us to
drink is a cup of salt water designed to make us even thirstier." - Why can't I write like that?
Stuff of my own, just get it out... see I don't think I'm maybe even destined to write long term...
I just know I got to write this book."
"So that obviously ties in with the Oscar Wilde stuff- "The two greatest tragedies in life, are not
getting what you want, and getting what you want" coz you spend that long searching, striving,
trying to get the money, or get the job to be able to buy this or that, to get the house, to get the
car to do this, to get everything. When you get it, you think what the fuck was all that for? That's
what Oscar's trying to say anyway. And here you got a guy called Gylase Rinpoche and he says,
and I quote again - "Planning for the future is like going fishing in a dry gulch. Nothing ever

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works out how you wanted. So give up all your schemes and ambitions. If you have to think
about something, make it the uncertainty of the hour of your death."
"Page 23 now, you know what I mean? Two pages later . . . it's got in italics here, the key to
finding a happy balance in modern life is simplicity. I lead a simple life I really do. Er, he's
saying that he's been fascinated by the recent studies into near death experiences, and he was
reading some books by a guy called Kenneth Moon, as well as some others. It says a striking
number of those who survive near fatal accidents or have a near death experience describe a
panoramic life review with uncanny vividness and accuracy, they relive the events of their lives,
sometimes they even live through the effects their actions have had on others and experience
the emotions their actions have caused. I mean I don't remember any of that. I got knocked the
fuck out, I mean I definitely remember something in the ambulance, I was conscious of
something, and like I say I don't really know whether I left my body or what. I don't think I did
but somehow my body was aware of what was going on. Even though I was unconscious I was
aware of my surroundings, maybe I was just washing in and out of consciousness, but I never
had any panoramic life events afterwards, and it was definitely a near fatal accident, it had to
be. He's going on here, he's saying that one of the people when talking to Kenneth Moon said
"I was asked but there were no words, it was a straight mental instantaneous communication,
what had I done to advance or benefit the human race."
See they're saying theyre getting this in a near death experience? You can get this through
changa; mental instantaneous communication... I mean ....the whole changa experience lasted
15 to 20 minutes I'd say, a particularly long one, there were the visuals after, and the tower
before that made up a lot of that but for some time it was mental instantaneous communication.
I mean we weren't talking, me and the Bodhisattva. I wasn't asked then what had I done to benefit
the human race or anything like that. She was, he was, she-he. . . they were trying to help me. I
needed help and they helped me, or I helped myself, however it goes. . . After that little quote
Sogyal goes on to say whatever we have done with our lives makes us what we are when we
die, and everything, absolutely everything counts. You just got to think on that. I mean those
are very, very poignant words aren't they? I mean I strive- I try to live honourably, I mean I
nicked a cricket ball when I was young, and erm, a couple of things I've done which aren't nice
I suppose but I've never been violent. I've never hurt anybody on purpose, there are a couple of
people where it would have been warranted but I didn't seek revenge, I'm just a peaceful bloke.
I've had problems in my own head but I've not let them affect anybody else in a negative way.
Because of what happened to me, I became emotionally distant, I found it hard to express love
before. But I think that's going to be a whole lot easier for me now. I mean I gave my mum a
great big hug at Christmas. I'm looking forward to seeing mum and dad again. I can't remember
the last time I hugged him, I was probably eight or nine hrmph. Yeah, very very poignant words
and it sort of fits in with the batman quote that I still haven't put in, remember before in section
A when I was going on about using the Batman quote, and not be able to remember it and having
to look it up... "It's not who you are, it's what you do that defines you" or something like that.
"It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you" I'm sure that's it, I will have

to look it up, but I'm sure that's it. Like I say, I think that Dude Looks Like a Lady synchronicity
thing on the radio the other night, I think that's meant to tell me to swing more towards the
spiritual, because even though Alan Watts tried to do it, even though Sogyal Rinpoche has
written this book, and there's John Cleese saying that it's one of the most important books he's
ever read on the back... I don't know anyone in my day to day life who knows this stuff. They
are all caught up in the rat race. My dad likes to get out in nature and walk with the dogs sure,
and he doesn't really watch TV. I think maybe I've got a love of nature through him as a
hereditary thing I don't know, I just love it anyway. I mean he was obsessed with work, now
he's retired Id like to see him stop working yeah life, it's not about working is it? Hopefully
the OPPPT, how many pee's did I do then? Yeah I did too many pee's didn't I? The OPPT, if
genuine, though unlikely that it is, and that can come good, and they can repossess the church
land, and get the Queens land, and split that out between the poor that would just be the most
fucking brilliant thing in the world. I know this sort of seems hypocritical because I'm saying
you don't need wealth to be happy, but in this day and age, the way things are done, you can't
just go out into the woods and build a house, people haven't got the skills to survive off the land
like the Aborigines you know what I mean? So many people are so deeply engrained in Western
culture, and TV meals, Macdonalds, shit like that, that they wouldn't know how to do it, even
if they could, you know what I mean? I would like to live out in a log cabin somewhere,
obviously somewhere with a nice climate where it's not too cold, somewhere where it's not too
hot either. Australia is out the question for that reason, I do like New Zealand, but they have a
corrupt government according to Greg Hallett. Fiji is too hot. I love Fiji but... Canada? Canada
can get cold shit."
"He's referring to Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche speaking, and he's saying how when he was
seventy-eight years old that he's seen so many things in his life, so many young have died, so
many old have died, so many people were high and have become low, and vice versa... so many
countries have changed. There has been turmoil, tragedy, plagues and terrible destruction all
over the world"Yet all these changes are no more real than a dream and when you look deeply you realise that
nothing is permanent and constant, nothing. Not even the tiniest hair on your body and that this
is not a theory but something you can actually come to know and realise and see with your very
own eyes."
"Page thirty-five -"Let us now think about what frequently happens in relationships. So often it
is only when people are losing their partners that they realise that they love them. Then they
cling on even tighter, but the more they grasp the more the other person escapes them and the
more fragile the relationship becomes."- I don't need to go on too much about how that fits in
with me and beep -(Rachel) obviously if you read that bit, not beep coz you can't call her that
can you, erm, I didnt mean to say that, I just couldn't think of what name I'd used for her, but
obviously I'll change it later, yeah. It's not that she makes me swear or owt, just so you know."
"Page thirty-seven. The best description, short description, well not description, the best way
that you can explain to somebody that thinks they are separate from everything an example

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of how things are inderdependent, interda, interd phwuh pffff phuuwwww! Ah for fucks sake
interdependent hooray, here we go... "Nothing has any inherent"- lets see if I can read
"Nothing has any inherent existence on its own when you really look at it, and this absence of
an independent existence is what we call "emptiness". Think of a tree. When you think of a tree
you tend to think of a distinctly defined object; and on a certain level, like the wave, it is. But
when you look more closely at the tree you will see that ultimately it has no independent
existence. When you contemplate it you will find that it dissolves into an extremely subtle net of
relationships that extend across the universe, the rain that falls on its leaves, the wind that sways
it, the soil that nourishes and sustains it, all the seasons and the weather, moonlight, starlight
and sunlight..." - Why the fuck am I recording these? I could just quote it from the book when
I read it; I've got the book, I can read it out and type it; thats got to be easier than listening to
this and stopping it, and it will save batteriesRemember stop reading direct sections of the
book onto the dictaphone, just copy it, you dick. - " (quote continues) "-all form part of this
tree. As you begin to think about the tree more and more, you will discover that everything in
the universe helps to make the tree what it is; that it cannot at any moment be isolated from
anything else; and that at every moment its nature is subtly changing." See? What did I tell you?
That's a description that sums it up brilliantly and succinctly."
"Despite what I've just said I have got to read this quote that's in here from the Dali Lama coz it
ties in exactly, again, with my thoughts lately about how both sides of the book are important,
so I've got to do the autobiography to help to show the healing and how becoming more spiritual,
and learning to care for others more is the way forward- obviously... with the inverted commas
conspiracy, close comma's, because: well just listen to this...
"In todays highly interdependent world individuals and nations can no longer resolve many of
their problems by themselves, we need one another. We must therefore develop a sense of
universal responsibility. It is our collective and individual responsibility to protect and nurture
the global family, to support its weaker members and to preserve and tend to the environment
in which we all live."
See, to look after its weaker members, sorry to support its weaker members, to preserve and
tend to the environment in which we all live. We have to stop poisoning the water. We have to
stop spraying chemicals in the air. We have to stop cutting down the rainforests. We have to
stop pumping oil into the oceans and then chucking self-replicating bacteria in to "fix" it,
bacteria that kills so much. This is what I mean, and just before that, Sogyal says that when you
realise that you're interdependent with everything, your actions, they have a real consequence
for everybody and everything else. He just doesn't say your actions either, he says your actions,
your words, "and even your smallest least significant thought. Seeeeeee thoughts and
things! We've got to be wholesome, be joyful, and if everybody can embody that in themselves,
then that's the way to take these buggers down. The ITCCS, brilliant, you know what I mean,
even if they just help in raising the awareness. If my book does it great, if they do it, instead of
my book, it's just as good. They should look into why and how, and maybe it will be because...it
will be the opposite to the way that I did it you know what I mean? I got spiritually whapped

round the head, and then that made me look into the other stuff. If more and more people know
that an arrest warrant is out for the Queen for crimes against humanity and the Pope and this
that and the other, and that the governments and banks have been foreclosed upon, if indeed
they have, still unsure on that... If they look into why, and they start realising that if they did
that, and they did this, and they've been lying to us, then what else haven't they told us? Then
they might be interested in trying to find out about the fact that we're spiritual beings and
knowing all the stuff and then they come to realise that what you do, say and think does make a
difference to everybody else's surroundings and the world is going to become such a better place.
It is it is it is it is it iS!!!.... Provided they don't turn the internet off obviously, well stuff like
that you know what I mean? When I'm thinking, and having these thoughts and I'm saying them,
I'm affecting everything that's going on around me, as we know the law of attraction and all that.
So, I'm not thinking they're going to shut the power off, they're going to keep the power on, and
we're going to power up and we're going to fucking get rid of these buggers who are ruining our
planet, ruining us, and our planet.. Aaaah... even if I don't get to see it in this lifetime, I'll get to
see it in the next, that's for sure."
"Definitely ties in though doesn't it with the governments agenda of divide and conquer. They
don't want us letting go, loving, finding ways to exist without contributing to their war machine
and debt. Oooowwwwww, I'm trying to stay positive here, it's difficult to talk about them
without getting slightly angry but erm, they don't know any better, or well that's it isn't it?
They just don't know any better. They've somehow got it in their head that the only way you can
have a successful life is if you have got money and power, a happy life sorry, not just a successful
life. They think that will make them happy, I dont know, theyve definitely got a fucking plan.
I don't know whether they want us all dead, I don't know whether they want us all fucking living
in cities, Judge Dredd style fucking Megacity one tower blocks with fifty thousand people
crowded in a building and everybody herded into specific areas of populous coz that ain't right.
They might think, if that is part of their agenda, they might think they need to do that to keep
everyone out of the country to let the country recover, but I don't believe it. I believe they want
it so Monsanto can lay its fuck- oooh ooh oooh, don't swear- can rape the land with its genetically
mutated soy beans... kill the rest of the bees off and makes us all sterile..hummmmmm."
"Bit random, not really on any topic, well, politics, erm, but hilarious. I think I've mentioned
that I watch The Chase avidly before. It's the only TV programme I really do like to watch, get
in from work and whack it on, erm, if you're not familiar with it Bradley Walsh hosts it, he's a
comedian which is one reason it's great anyway. They have these chasers who come on and try
to catch the four contestants. They have individual rounds to see how much cash they can build
to take into the team round at the end if they can get through their second individual stage against
the chaser in round two. Anyway, one of the chasers is Anne Hegerty who Brad calls "frosty
knickers" or "the governess." She's a very stern woman; lets put it that way, but she's brilliant,
and very funny...in her own way. Erm, they have a young student on there who's studying
politics, and the very first question, this is not the funny bit but I'll mention it while I'm here.
The first question starts off bla bla blah Ian Duncan Smith... and he passes it, before the end of
the question. It was something to do with the circular so I presume the answer would have been
M25 perhaps, or something like that but he passed anyway just after Brad mentioned Ian Duncan

170

Smith who is a politician in the UK- so it didn't bode well for the lad. He got two right but
instead of going for the two grand he takes a step away from the chaser for the low offer of
200. You can take a step closer for a higher offer of what you have won in the cash builder,
and that varies depending on what you've won and how good a mood the chaser is in. This other
guy, an Irishman, had taken through five grand from his chase and they're the only two that
have gotten through to the final stage so they're playing for 5,200 split between them if they
can outrun the chaser together in the final chase. They posted a score of eighteen I think which
isn't bad, but the governess is always going to get it unless she has a real mare and they can push
her back, by answering correctly any questions she gets wrong in her 2 minutes... Erm, the
student got one of those eighteen and the Irish dude got seventeen. The chaser comes back in to
take her seat and says "I don't know what you were doing there Greg, helping yourself to other
people's money, just like a real politician." -Absolutely classic- I nearly peed!"
If the pen is mightier than the sword, but actions speak louder than words, are actions more
effective than a book? So do you go out and take action or do you write the book? If you can
get more people taking action by writing the book then the cumulative effect, the butterfly effect
is exponential surely? Write the book.
"Erm, remember to say, although I've mentioned that although the autobiography isn't selfindulgence anyway, just stress that it was written before all the conspiracy stuff, or the bulk of
it, like 95% or something. I've added little bits in here and there but when I wrote it, it was
essentially because I was going to do a whole autobiography, I was going to embellish on the
whole healing side of things and then it all sort of became conjuncted. Conjuncted? Thats not
a fucking word is it? Erm, everything's become jumbled up, well not jumbled up but mixed
up...same bloody thinghrmph! Erm, so it's now sort of two books in one. I'm not going to go
any further into my autobiography. I realise that some of it may not be relevant to anything,
some of it's just in there coz it happened and some of it's in there because it makes a funny story,
and some of it's in there because it is poignant to everything I suppose, like I say with the SAD
and all that bollocks. Erm, what was I trying to say? ...Im not going to take anything out, it's
written now so there's no point is there?"
"Note to self, remember to add in where you're talking about what you want to do next, whether
it be writing, photography, care, remember to add the other preferred option of maybe helping
out in the bigger cause of trying to put an end to all this because once the books out there's still
going to be stuff to do, it doesn't just end there does it? Yeah rather than looking after someone
in a home or animals, which would be helpful and rewarding and good obviously, could possibly
be of better service, not just protesting, there has to be some groups out there doing some decent
stuff that I could help if they'd have me. Non-violent revolution."

"Schizophrenia. I've mentioned I think everyone is a little bit schizophrenic I know I am, half
English half Scottish and all that....what was I thinking today? Oh yeah, just to remember to
mention that a load of why this has been so delayed or put off I suppose is me being like a little
bit schizophrenic, because although I'm hopeful that it will really work, like law of attraction,
and when I'm doing some work, trying to sort it out, or some fresh writing, I'm hopeful that it
will take off and have the desired effect like I initially had, but at the same time I'm tinged with
pessimism a little bit because.... Well, self-deprecating isn't it, I'm my own worst critic and
sometimes I don't think it's that good. Other times I do think its okay and funny, but that's just
me, I do think I'm funny but that doesn't mean that everybody else will does it? I'm one of those
people...in my day to day most people think I'm funny, you got to trust me on this. It is mainly
through spontaneity, anyway I can waffle on about that later, I got the jist.... Yeah, so little bit
schizophrenic in that I'm a little pessimistic about my writing skills, but the other half of me is
hopeful because I have faith in humanity basically. Everybody wants to help usually, and have
good intentions. My intentions are good. Most people should see that, and spread the word so
I'm hopeful. More hopeful than pessimistic."
"Social anxiety and ...sex, you know what I mean? Everyone is a little quiet after sex. If they
haven't fallen asleep already they're a bit quiet. Yeah with social anxiety can you imagine it? It's
really bad, especially if you've been rubbish. You just don't know what to say about a load of
stuff do you? I mean I struggled to think about what to say in normal circumstances. If I didn't
fall asleep I'd lay there awake for ages thinking about bollocks....Yet, you know what I mean,
I've cured my premature ejaculation, I think, well the last sex with Rachel was great and I'm
pretty sure I've cured my social anxiety and the acid test is going to be to sleep with someone,
and then see if I can talk to them, hrmpphh. Ok, ta ta."
"AND, there is also the fact that whilst I don't have the vocabulary or writing skills of Watts or
Huxley, at least people won't need a thesaurus to understand what I'm saying, plus my rather
basic English will also translate into other languages better. Seriously, I didn't understand so
much of Doors of Perception (Aldous Huxley) and I thought I had a pretty good grasp of the
English language. So there's that as a bringer of hope. Universal appeal hrmph."
I have finished Sogyal Rinpoche's marvellous book now, it was truly wonderful. I have
learnt a lot from it, and will read it again shortly as it has hard to take it all in at once,
hence not that many quotes from the second half of the book. If anything it backed up
my belief that there is real merit to the law of attraction, that our thoughts do have a
bearing as well as our actions, and it led me to being far more mindful of that. A long
time ago in other situations I used to worry about what I thought about, in case people
heard the thoughts I was having. Now I know that my thoughts do have a bearing on
my and your existence, so I just think of just the good stuff. As soon as anything
remotely daft starts to try and enter my head, I dismiss it as a brain fart and move on.
I've coined that term recently from a guy I met on my Ayahuasca retreat. I think it's
amorsome.

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Chapter Ten: Ayahuasca retreat, April 2013

Im a changing man.- Paul Weller.

Everyone changes, be they man or woman, that's unavoidable. In day to day life these
changes are hard to detect in others, you don't see the hair or nails growing, or the skin
aging. You can't tell what's going on in their hearts and minds unless you ask.
Sometimes an event happens where someone changes so dramatically and quickly
that everyone they know notices a change in them, be it in the way they behave or in
their attitude toward others. That happened to me at the end of July last year. The
process of change has continued slowly for me in the past few months, but this past
weekend it has dawned on me that it is more or less complete. I am who I want to be,
and I am where I'm meant to be. I'm as happy as can be. This weekend I went off grid,
to a plant spirit medicine retreat in a secret location. I knew where it was before hand,
I just can't tell you...
The months and weeks preceding the event had seemed to gather momentum and
slipped by ever faster. Anticipation and excitement grew as the event loomed ever
closer. This was going to be it, I was about to temporarily leave reality and experience
the unknown. Of course this has happened to me before but never over such a long
period, and in a way that I hoped would be easier to fathom and dissect.
You might think I would be disappointed that nothing really happened to me, and at
points over the weekend I'll readily admit that I was. By the time I left however I realised
that I got what I needed from the weekend. Over the past few months my work has
slackened off, both in the workplace and at home. I'm losing my job, so the motivation
of doing a decent job for my employers has waned somewhat. I still do the necessary,
but often find myself day dreaming whilst at my desk, understandable really I suppose.
I'm not ashamed or unhappy about that. What I am, or was, concerned about is how
my writing has taken a backseat and as I slipped back into the old me, finding excuses
not to put the effort that was required into sorting my book out. The latest excuse had
been that I was waiting for this weekend to come and go, and hopefully give me some
new found inspiration and clarity that would aid me in completing my book. I was looking
for some guidance, as well as wanting to test whether I had actually been cured of my
anxiety problems by putting myself into an unfamiliar surrounding amongst people I did
not know. For sure it's easy for me to say I've been cured of my problems since my
experience in July, but since then my engagements and contact with people have been
on the whole familiar, as I knew them already. I have found it easy to talk to them about
what's been going on in my life, the acid test would be whether I was comfortable in
and around strangers.
One of the things that had been stressed to us before we embarked was that we had
to let go of all preconceived ideas and notions and just "let go." I didn't think that this
would be a problem for me as I has already experienced changa and DMT so had some

foresight into this peculiar and wonderful world: my barriers had already been broken.
Perhaps it was this that was my preconceived idea. That it would be the same as a
DMT experience, just longer, and that was what stopped anything major happening to
me. Perhaps it was the fact that I still held onto some part of my ego, and that I couldn't
really let go in front of others. I'm still not entirely sure, but funnily enough it doesn't
concern me. If nothing else the weekend restored my faith in humanity and people, and
I think that was what I needed most of all.
There is also the possibility that I took Mother A for granted. I was looking for help in
my writing, and I don't think that's what she is there for, even if my intention is to help
others by writing this. She is there to heal us, and whilst I am probably not in perfect
health, either mentally or physically, I am still in what you would describe as a great
place and Im content as can be. At times over the weekend I doubted whether the
brews we had been drinking were strong enough, or the doses large enough. I had
suspicions that maybe I had a higher threshold regarding psychedelics than most of
the people on the retreat with me, and that was why I was not getting the same profound
experiences that others enjoyed. Maybe if I had been able to truly and totally let go
something may well have happened. Maybe it was just altogether much more subtle
than I imagined it would be. Our shaman said that the healing continues for weeks
afterwards, and that we may well be visited by Mother A in the subsequent days, as
has certainly happened to one of the guys who had to leave early on the Saturday, so
well see if that happens to me also. Whether it does or it doesn't I don't care. Even if I
didn't learn a few things about myself via a visionary experience, I would still have had
a lovely time out in the country, away from the hustle and bustle.
The sounds of engines, pollution and the hecticness of day to day life and its associated
stress were replaced by the singing of birds, fresh country air, calmness, peace and
tranquillity. It's what I learnt about myself, and more importantly the others who were
there, that was the most relevant thing for me by far. You might remember me writing
previously that after July I had a new found zest for life, and a want for more of it. One
thing I didn't mention then, as hadn't happened then was about finding a new found
respect and love for other people. This weekend has done that in a wonderful way, and
if nothing else happens I am perfectly content with that. Never before have I felt so
comfortable in alien surroundings amongst people I didn't know. Never before had I
met so many beautiful souls in a single place. Never before have I gotten to know
people so intimately in such a relatively short space of time. We met as strangers on
the Friday, and left as a family on the Monday. That might seem a rather bold and
unbelievable statement but it's what I feel from my core, from the very depth of my
being.
On arrival on the Friday evening I felt a little uncomfortable, but it was very mild. The
usual sort of shyness that accompanies most people I believe, but I was always calm
and in control of my thoughts. The brain wasn't whirring away constantly nagging me
about what I should be doing or how I should be behaving. I had the usual niggling
doubts about how I would be perceived every now and then, but they were tiny and

174

almost non-existent, barely noticeable in fact. By the time I left on Monday afternoon, I
wasnt even considering them at all. I was just sorry to be having to leave.
For rather obvious reasons some details have been omitted or altered, names have
been changed as per the usual rather, unfair way of things but that is the way it has to
be currently, for a while at least. What follows is my account of the weekend, told as
truthfully and as frankly as I can manage. Before I get to the actual weekend I have to
briefly describe the events leading up to it all, as they should help indicate that I believe
I was meant to be there, as I'm sure all of the others who were there also now share.
You know, the whole destiny and fate thing.

The lead up

Since my experience in July, I did a lot of research into DMT and Ayahuasca as I had
never heard of these wonderful substances beforehand. Their secrets kept wellguarded from the general population for reasons I have already discussed. I had the
opportunities to further explore changa and DMT once or twice, and did so, but never
managed to fully "breakthrough" on DMT or changa like I did on that marvellous evening
in July- ah well, such is life...I still had great experiences however. I could see though,
and was positively sure that these substances not only gave an insight into other realms
and realities but that they also had marvellous healing properties. I had experienced
this myself first hand of course also after the changa had healed me of my anxiety
problems. All the reports I witnessed on YT about DMT were regarding the extra
dimensions and stuff like that. It was only on listening to people who had been to the
Amazon for Ayahuasca ceremonies that I started to discover and confirm that others
were being healed in the same way that I was. I heard of people being cured of
depression, and addictions. Actual physical health problems that were diagnosed, and
if not able to be cured there and then, methods to do so were shown and explained to
the individual user or the shaman. Ayahuasca knows every single aspect of you, in this
life and previous ones. As well as pointing out physical ailments she can show you how
your actions affect others and the planet, and give you the means, and the desire to
change things to correct that. She is reaching out to us to help her in her and our time
of need. Of course if we didn't have the current overbearing and judgemental
institutions in place that rule most countries than we wouldn't have gotten ourselves
into this pickle in the first place but now that we do, and as our world suffers more and
more as a result, her ever present love and devotion and desire to help is becoming
more and more apparent to those in the West than ever before. If I was to write about
how she is helping us, it made sense to me to try and be able to experience the brew
for myself.
Set and setting. As mentioned earlier on, this is a phrase you will come across when
you start to research all psychedelics, if you choose to do so, and they are extremely

important. They refer to state of mind, surroundings and dosage as well as respect.
You should always consider these things when taking any psychedelic, but I think in
the case of Ayahuasca they are even more important. I looked into trips to the Amazon,
and had to face facts that the costs were beyond my means for now, there was no way
I could afford to go, especially with employment problems looming. Ah well, I could
always go when the book was completed and had sold its first ten thousand copies... If
anything it could make up the content for my next book, that was the way I started to
look at it.
At some point in the months following my awakening I met a guy online talking in the
comments section of a YouTube video on Ayahuasca. We got talking and exchanged
ideas, and quickly built up a rapport and friendship. I told him about my experiences
with changa and other plant spirits that had helped me. He became extremely keen to
try Ayahuasca and also started researching it and possible costs. He uncovered details
of a place that was altogether more local and affordable than going to Peru or Brazil
and asked me to check it out for authenticity. It looked legitimate from the evidence that
I saw and for the costs thought it would be worth a go. However due to the fact that I
would shortly be leaving my job I had to decline the initial invitation to join him. My new
found friend went ahead and booked for the event in April though, and that was it for a
while. We didn't speak of it for the next few months until it started to get closer to the
date. He started to get a little nervous and asked whether I would reconsider going with
him, so he at least sort of half knew someone else going beforehand.
"Coincidentally" I had a spare bit of money floating around as had made a little
investment about a month or so before with some spare cash I had lying about. Over
the prior few months I had started to tighten the purse strings further than usual. I was
eating more cheaply by avoiding takeaways, not drinking at all, or smoking anywhere
as near as much weed as usual so by the end of January, traditionally the longest
month in the year for me as we get paid before Christmas, I somehow found myself
with a spare 500 floating about. I had seen Bitcoins rise in value from about 6 or 7
each when I first bought some in August to the 20 that they were now valued at in
February. Hmmm three hundred per-cent growth in about five months can't be bad, so
I decided to buy 500 worth and not use them to buy drugs, but just let them sit there
for a few months so I had some extra funds to call on if needs be when my job ended
in June.
I bought 25 coins at 20 each in February and they doubled in value within a month, I
had sold some at 30 to get a bit of purchasing power in case the value dropped again,
but kept hold of most until my friend contacted me asking me if I could go, and that he
would lend me the money if needs be. The coins were now at 38, a quick calculation
meant that with what I had sold at 30 and what I had left, if sold, would net me about
the cost of the trip. By now I was particularly interested in trying Ayahuasca as intended
to write about it if possible. If I was to try and convince others of its properties than I
had to at least try it for myself right? I sold all but 2 of my coins, and put aside my
money, made sure there was a space left on the retreat and then left a deposit with the
shaman who would be running it. You may not see this as any sort of sign, but I do,

176

especially when looking at the whole picture. Hopefully you will too later on once you
have read the whole report, and consider the other aspects of what I have already told
you. Some things are just meant to be, it's a simple as that.
A couple of days after I sold my Bitcoins, the whole Cyprus thing happened, and then
their value soared astronomically in a matter of weeks eventually reaching 175 before
crashing. I could have made a lot more money If I had held onto them, but I had what I
needed, and for me that has always been the way I like it, just what I need and nothing
more. My friend had to pull out at the last minute, due to getting a new job and having
to be at the opening of the restaurant he was working in on the Saturday, another
possible indication that it was me who was meant to be there perhaps I don't know.
Overall though I just feel that events conspired so that I would be there. This will explain
my initial disappointment when nothing really happened for me in the way of a visionary
experience, but later it dawned on me that I didn't actually need one, and I was there
for other reasons. This will of course become clearer in a moment.
Extra details of the event were mailed out to its participants, what diet to adopt, what to
cut out, and what to start using. Fluoridated water and toothpaste, pork, alcohol and
cheese as a few of the more obvious examples of what to cut out: air fresheners and
broad beans as a couple of the more obscure. Drinking plenty of water was key, as
good as quality as possible, and two litres a day at least, more if you smoked or drank
other diuretic drinks. "Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate" was a theme of the weekend and a
phrase we would often hear from our host. We were given breathing exercises to
undertake, and told what provisions and equipment to bring; smokers were asked to
only take additive free tobacco- something Ive stuck to ever since. The group started
talking about travel arrangements and diet ideas via e-mail so we already started to get
introduced before we got there which was nice. I had also previously ascertained that
my use of cannabis would not be a problem in a private conversation with our host.
"This plant spirit is absolutely fine" he told me. I had told him about my worries about
Mother A addressing my cannabis usage as had heard of Graham Hancocks similar
experience whilst on ceremony, and him not being able to partake any longer when he
returned home, but was assured not to worry.
I arranged to drive up with a guy called Brian from fairly nearby on the South coast. We
arranged for him to come over by train on the Friday as he was lateral to our destination,
and aim to set off from mine about midday with meeting time planned for about six at
the retreat. We ran onto problems from the off, with my travel companions train being
halted due to a fatality on the line somewhere and him having to seek a bus. That then
got delayed so he got back on a different train, only to be re-routed to a different station.
Eventually I left mine and went and picked him up from there before returning to load
the car, and eat our last meal of the day of baked potatoes with tuna and corn before
setting off. Overall this cost us almost an hour and a half and we set off just before two
in the afternoon. The traffic also conspired against us in various places and I had
several disagreements with the borrowed satnav, where her and my definitions of the

phrase "straight on" differed somewhat, but we got there unscathed and weary just
before eight in the evening. My neck and shoulders were aching from the longest drive
I had undertaken so far in my life. Two pee breaks were all we took on the way up, and
for one of those I had to pull into the works traffic lane as the desperation of a full
pressing bladder took hold after about 20 miles of slow crawling traffic, with no services
or laybys to offer an alternative respite on that section of the road from hell.

The retreat

Everyone else was already present when we got there, and I managed to get introduced
to a few of the participants and unload most of the car before we gathered into the
ceremonial building where Keith detailed what we would be doing for the weekend. A
detox brew shortly would be followed by an early night before breakfast, a dip in a
nearby stream for a wash, or a shower in a nearby abode if preferred option, followed
by lunch and an excursion out into the wonderful countryside before Saturday evenings
three doses. I asked whether it would be wise for me to unpack the rest of the car and
sort out sleeping arrangements before the detox dose- "Yes" was the short reply I sort
of expected to get. Brian and I dumped our stuff in one of the yurts and returned to
undertake the evenings events.
We practised some guided meditation to the beat of Keith's drum as we collectively let
our imaginations take our consciousness out of this planets atmosphere into the great
unknown; out of this galaxy and past many others into the great vast empty void of
space until we came to rest in the void. Here we waited and observed as our host
guided the meditation for a while before we returned, the galaxies becoming closer and
larger before entering the familiar Milky Way and then on home to Earth and resting
back into our bodies. Mediation and me dont really get on, or havent done yet. I used
to find it hard to quell the mind. Im not sure whether I reached the void or it was just
my imagination...
A brief discussion followed before the three gongs and choice of two detox brews,
Mimosa or Chacruna. Mimosa was chosen by the first participant and then the next
seven or eight before one brave soul decided to dodge convention and elected to try to
the Chacruna. I went with the consensus and drank the Mimosa after being offered it
with love by Keith. I thanked him and decided it was best to "yam sung" it in one go. I
had read numerous reports about how foul the brew tastes so wanted it over as quickly
as possible. Everyone is right, there is no point trying to hide it, beat around the bush
or pretty this up in any way, it tastes absolutely disgusting, that is all there is to it. I
grimaced, shook and shuddered and sat back down in my seat and waited for everyone
else to finish. Three in all, out of 16 took the Chacruna which says something in itself I
think. People go with the crowd, safety in numbers and all that sort of thing.
We sat back, and adopted our breathing that we had been taught and I tried to relax. I
was chilled anyway, not frightened or even apprehensive in the slightest. I just tried to

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relax deeply and let go of everything. I closed my eyes and waited. I'm not sure how
long I waited; I've already told you I've never had any real pressing notion of time. I
don't wear a watch and the phone was off and in the yurt. Nothing happened and I
started to notice others get restless so I went outside for a smoke and a chat. Same all
round it seemed apart from a couple of us. I was expecting to throw up but didn't; I don't
think anybody did that first night. Of the two that did have experiences both were there
to help. One was a wonderful woman, Stella, who had come along to give massages
and other types of healing and the other was the shamans helper, Leon, who had quite
a profound and deep experience by all accounts. I won't detail those here as if all goes
to plan then they will share them with me, so I can share with you in their own words
later on.
We all spoke for a short while before retiring to various sleeping quarters. There were
two yurts as well as a caravan and the building itself which could sleep between four
and ten. I'm not sure who slept in there but I shared my yurt with Brian, Eric and Nina,
a married couple and one other guy, Chris. I rolled a bedtime bifter for Brian and I to
share before settling in under my quilt to try and get some kip. Sleep evaded me for
some time, and was fitful when it did come; no surprise there really, all things
considered. Others were cold in their sleeping bags and also had trouble sleeping.
Brian had my spare quilt as well as a sleeping bag that I had taken for him and was still
cold. The yurt had a fire but it went out some time in the night. I didn't feel the cold; not
sure whether it's because of my Scottish blood or the nice double tog duvet I got for
Christmas that I was wrapped in but I was fine with the temperature, merely struggling
with my usual insomnia.
Morning came and I felt fresh enough though. I didn't recall any dreams as per usual if
I have a smoke so Mother A didn't visit me in the dream state as was suggested might
happen. Breakfast was a hearty bowl of porridge packed with various fruit and a touch
of honey. It was delicious as well as filling. The washing up was seen to before we set
off on a short walk to a nearby stream. All weekend people chipped in to help with
various tasks, rarely having to be asked, just directed. Teamwork and co-operation was
instilled easily and naturally without a single bit of moaning. I never watch Big Brother
or any reality stuff on TV but I bet that it doesn't take people long to start bickering
amongst themselves. I think our group could go the entire length of a BB stay or much
longer even without a single argument about who should be doing what.
I decided to take the option of having a wash in the stream as didn't fancy waiting
around for loads of bods to have showers. I was also used to getting in cold water so
was already battle hardened as it were. It was still icy cold on the feet and a shock to
the system when one of those feet slipped on a rock and my meat and two veg got
submerged. I ducked my head in and got the rest of myself wet before hurriedly washing
my hair and body before rinsing and exiting to dry down, and laugh at the others who
had decided to join me and Keith. Those who braved the stream went back to the digs
to chill and talk whilst others went for showers. We had lunch and then set off in a few

cars to where Keith had grown up to explore the countryside there. It was such a
stunning place with the only sounds that broke the silence coming from the chirping
birds, the burbling stream, or at one point in the trip a group of excited and rather curious
chickens who I found particularly awesome. I can sit and watch a chicken rapidly flick
its head about from side to side as they try to work you out for hours I reckon, and still
not get bored. Keith showed us a lovingly built home that almost blended into the
countryside. At first glance it looked as though it was actually built into the hill and my
thoughts jumped to Bilbo Baggins as I saw the mossy roof from afar. On closer
approach it was just sat in a clearing against the hill but still just looked part of the
picture. As close to being part of nature as any man made structure can be anyway. I
thought of how Alan Watts would love it after hearing him talk may times about how
man never considers nature as we chop it down to clear it, or throw extra dirt on it to
build it up, before sticking massive, ugly boxes on the top. Yup, Alan would have
appreciated this house enormously.
We walked further into woods and Keith and Damon, a Geordie who slightly resembles
Alan Shearer, went for a brief swim. Damon wore his surfing wetsuit so cheated slightly
but hey... I decided against a swim as my trunks were still drying from the morning dip
so hadn't brought them or my towel with me. We then continued on to a camping spot
deeper in the woods where a lovely barn was situated. To get there we had to cross a
small swinging bridge made of wire and wooden planks one at a time across a wider
section of the stream. It was pretty rickety but well-made and safe enough. I shot over
first and played poo sticks as everyone else caught up. We went and had a look at the
barn before resting a while and heading back. I got a bit bored waiting for everyone to
cross the bridge so decided to try and cross the stream on the boulders I had spotted
earlier on. The first couple were fine but number three was particularly slippery and one
leg slipped in, followed by the other as I lost balance and pitched forwards. I got wet up
to the elbows and knees but I somehow managed to avoid dipping the boys again
thankfully. Cheering and laughter greeted me from up and around the bridge as I smiled
and acknowledged the applause before wading through the stream to the other side. I
trudged up the bank to meet more laughter from those already across. The cold was
difficult to ignore as I squelched the mile and a half or so back to the cars but there was
nothing I could do about it so I tried not to let it bother me. We decided to take the
motorway back rather than the scenic route we had adopted on approach but it was
still an hour or so before we returned to base and I got get into some dry clothes. It's
just one of the many things I learnt on this weekend- that it's better to be patient and
dry rather than a wet and cold smart ass.
After we got back we rested for a while before the evenings main events. We were
asked to select our personal spirit guide, someone that we could turn to in case things
got patchy. We had to imagine going up or down to a place of individual choice where
we could meet them in a safe place for help if needed. Everyone bar Stella drank the
first brew. She had decided that after her experience on the Friday night she just wanted
to be there and observe and help others if they needed it. She is a remarkable woman,
full of love and compassion and we were incredibly lucky to have her there for the

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duration. We had a selection of different colours caapi to choose from this time and
people went various different ways. I had the red with Chacruna and sat back on a sofa
near the fire next to Steve and Penny.
Again, we commenced the deep breathing exercises, this time taking them up a notch
with ever increasing pauses between inhalations and exhalations. It wasn't long before
I became aware that not everything seemed to be going too well with Penny. She
started to murmur and moan from the curled up position she had adopted on the couch
before I heard that familiar retching sound. Stella and Damon quickly came over to help
and we tried to get her into an upright position without too much success. This was
proving very difficult- Penny is a very slight woman but she became an absolute dead
weight, flopping about like a rag doll. There was no way in the world we could get her
outside so grabbed the emergency bowl and lay it under her head. Damon and Stella
were either side of her supporting her arms and I took care of her lolling head,
attempting to keep it upright and her hair out of the bucket as she vomited into it. She
was clearly in some distress and my concerns grew. Keith, obviously used to seeing
such things was not worried and we did all we could to comfort her and get her through
the worst of it. She seemed to finish being sick, and we got her into a comfortable
position, but her wailings continued.
I have been reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying as you know by now, and
included in there is a section on meditation where it's said it is possible to take in the
angst and worries of others and replace them with love. So far my attempts at
meditation have been sporadic at best, I tend to forget to give it the commitment
needed, but I immediately thought of trying this technique in an effort to help Penny in
her time of need. I breathed in deeply through my nose, and as I did so I tried to picture
me sucking out her pain into my heart where I soaked it in love before blowing it back
towards Penny out of my mouth. If you have seen the Green Mile, or read the book,
picture big John Cofee (like the drink, only not spelt the same) drawing in all the disease
or ailment form the afflicted into himself before coughing out all the flies.... No flies with
me, but I was attempting something similar I suppose. I can't confirm whether it helped
Penny or not, she left on Sunday afternoon after spending the morning in her caravan,
only talking to Stella or Chris. I hoped it did anyway. It wasn't long before I was using
this method on another participant. Eric had clearly started to feel the effects of his
brew, and seemed to be reliving some episode from his childhood, as he had reverted
to speaking in his native tongue. I say speaking; it was more like hissing as he spat out
the equivalent of "leave me alone", or "it's not me". My French has gotten a bit rusty so
I'm not exactly sure what he was saying, but as he was doing so he was smacking
himself quite violently around his head and shoulders. His wife, Nina, was clearly
concerned but was quickly placated by Keith's reassuring words. I continued my
attempt at helping through my meditation, but again I don't really know whether it
worked or not. When I later spoke to Eric, I didn't mention it, being far more interested
in what had happened to him. Likewise, I hope to get his personal account for me to

insert later on, but I can let you know that he was indeed reliving some event from his
childhood, one buried so deep from so long ago that he couldn't actually consciously
remember it.
Some more time passed by, and then the gong sounded for the end of the first
ceremony and the start of the second session. I opted for the cielo caapi this time and
retook my place on the couch. By now others were starting to have some experiences
also, and it became difficult to relax in the main building so I left to join a group who
were outside by the stone circle around a campfire where Michael played guitar for
everyone. Michael is the brother of Steve, and there were also another set of brothers,
twins in fact, with the same first names on the retreat as well who I will refer to as Mike
and Stephen. Hardly a word was spoken between us down by that fire as we listened
intently to the wonderful sounds emitting from Michael's guitar. Earlier on when he had
been asked if he would play and he agreed I had asked him if he knew the tune to the
Littlest Hobo, and jokingly gave thanks that I wouldn't have to do any singing later, when
greeted with a negative, as it was the only song I knew. "I don't know any songs" he
had told me. "What, you just freestyle?" I enquired. "Yup, pretty much" he smiled back...
As Michael played Ethan, Damon, Mike and Stephen, and myself just sat and listened
in admiration of his talents. I'm not sure how long he played for, but I was there for
twenty minutes or so, and it seemed to me to be one long continuous harmony. I
watched the fireflies leap from the fire, and fizzle like fireworks in all directions
seemingly in rhythm with his chords, before fading into the night as his music carried
me away. Stella came down to join us to and to check we were alright, which is when I
started to notice my stomach begin to turn. Shortly afterwards I left to make my way up
to the main area, but had to stop halfway to be violently sick. Earlier we had been shown
the purging spot, an area of soil outside by the small marquis that had been erected for
meals or a shelter from the weather for the smokers. I was nowhere near it when the
urge to purge hit me so satisfied myself with an area of soil out in no mans land
between the house and the fire, further down the hill. I sat there cross legged for about
ten to fifteen minutes as I pondered whether or not I had finished puking before going
and grabbing a sip of water to rinse the gopping taste from my mouth.
I found a spot on the floor near to Brian when back inside, and just lay down to try and
relax now that the purge was over. I closed my eyes and began to see a familiar
psychedelic haze on the inside of my eyelids, though it was ever so faint. I could barely
see the shapes or symbols that hovered and danced over the purple hue of the
background. I opened my eyes to look at the ceiling above me and the knots in the
wood were moving around in that familiar way. "Here we go then" I thought, we're off,
it's starting...I continued to observe what was going on behind my eyelids, willing it to
grow stronger and more pronounced, and that was when the gong went for the end of
the second ceremony. People started to take the third brews but I waited until the end,
not sure if I needed another one or not. With it due to be the last opportunity of the night
however I was always going to. Perhaps I should have listened to my instinct because
a mere five minutes or so after taking that final brew I felt the urge to purge come over
me again. I stood up and made my way to the door. Maybe it was the fresher air as I

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got closer to the exit, but for some reason I felt fine, and decided to lie back down again.
Mistake. A mere moment after I had gotten comfy again, I quickly had to rise and make
haste for the door. I scrambled on my shoes as damp outside, and had barely enough
time to open the door before projectile vomit erupted like something from Vesuvius right
from the very pit of my stomach.
"Nice shot" Michael grinned as he observed my effort from nearby where he was having
a smoke outside by the marquis. I mumbled something as I staggered past him in an
attempt to reach the designated spot before the second bout hit me. I didn't quite make
it to the proper corner, getting about halfway before having to stop and reach again.
Never before have I been so violently sick, and I have been sick a fair few times in my
thirty-nine years in this existence believe me. Every stomach muscle I had, and some
that I didn't know I had, contracted and squeezed and pushed all the crap up through
my throat and out in to the night air. "Oh my effing God, Jeeeesus Christ, Sorry Michael,
don't mean to blaspheme but that was nasty! Tastes twice as bad on the way up as it
does going down"- Somehow in my distress I managed to recall that Michael had earlier
told me he had been brought up a catholic... You may remember me describing myself
as kind and considerate somewhere I'm sure. Here's a perfect example of my
consideration anyway. If you can think to take note of any possible offences in time of
extreme strife and misery then I reckon you can do it any time!
I chatted with Michael for a while afterwards. He seemed straight as a die, with nothing
happening for him so far at all, much like me. "Maybe you don't need any healing mate.
You seem like a lovely bloke. Anyone who is prepared to play guitar for everyone else
while all this is going on is a saint in my book" I told him, or words to that effect anyway.
Leon joined us for a while and mentioned that he had just lit the fire in the big yurt,
where my sleeping quarters were. I thanked him, and mentioned that I had thought of
doing that earlier when I went for a wee but then clean forgot. "Ah, so it was you who
sent me" he smiled. Instantly I thought of the law of attraction and "thoughts making
things" and grinned to myself, and laughed at his little joke. "So I have a servant now
do I?" I laughed as I sat down on the bench, putting my legs up and requesting -"get
down on all fours then would you, my legs are a little tired, there's a good chap!" He
looked at me in a puzzled sort of fashion. Leon it seemed, would need to get used to
my sense of humour. I jumped up and gave him a hug "I'm only kidding mate. My brain
somehow already considering what I would have said if he had knelt on all fours. The
episode in Blackadder Four where the WW1 fighter pilot Rik Mayall makes Baldric
adopt the same position and enquires of Blackadder "Tell me Blackadder, have you
ever felt the wind rushing through your hair?" before farting and exclaiming "He has!" (I
love farts and fart jokes and I always have and always will.) I finished my smoke and
went back inside to see if anything would wash over me.
Inside everything had changed. Various people had adopted various different positions,
sprawling here there and everywhere. Eric seemed in an altogether much better place
so I was glad about that. Penny was also quiet, and seemed to be asleep on a couch.

Keith was doing some USR treatment on Chris to try and remove an entity or bad spirit
that Chris said he was carrying with him. Nobody else seemed to be going through
anything worrying or troubling, bar the extremely violent retching that could now be
heard from Steve going on outside. He later testified that he had never been sick like
that in his life before. I was glad about this. You know when someone says something
like "If thats you on a good day I'd hate to see you on a bad one?" Yeah, similar
scenario here. If he had ever been more violently sick than that in his life beforehand I
doubt he would have been there that weekend at all, put it like that! Stella had elected
to pass on the evenings ceremonies on the Saturday and the Sunday night, preferring
to take care of everyone else, satisfied with her experience from the Friday night.
It's not exactly one of my favourite all time films but there is a movie with Robert Downey
Junior in that I really like and admire called "A Guide to Recognising Your Saints" that
is rather good, where he plays the part of a writer looking back on his formative years
growing up in Brooklyn, as he has been asked by his now jailed best friend to come
back to Brooklyn and visit his estranged father who is terminally ill. It is a very touching
and emotional film where he realises that nothing will come close to the friends he made
there over such a long period of time; friends who have made sacrifices on his behalf.
He also realises that he has to put his differences with his father behind him and make
peace. Like I say it's a great film, with a particularly nice title. I know how to recognise
my saints. I was surrounded by them the whole weekend.
Chris had been advised to sleep in the main building that night after his soul work, and
Eric and Nina from our yurt also seemed very comfortable on the couch. It became
pretty apparent to me that they wouldn't be joining us when Keith asked if the married
couple needed any help. I grinned as Eric lay there, eyes closed, as he smiled and
wagged his finger from side to side in the negative. "That answers that then" said Keith
confirming he was thinking along the same lines as me. Mike and Stephen were outside
and I spoke with them for a while. Their yurt had been particularly cold the night before
as only had a small electric heater so I mentioned that I severely doubted Eric and Nina
would be making it back to ours, and neither was Chris, so they should come over. We
had taken over a double mattress for Eric and Nina earlier on that would be going to
waste and we had a fire that was toasty when kept lit. They said they'd see how it went
but never made it over.
Michael and Steve had been kipping in their van and that was the coldest place of the
lot and they were due to be sleeping somewhere else too, so it had been proposed we
should have been gaining one more in our yurt with our original four. "We were meant
to getting one more, and we've got rid of three" I proclaimed to Brian. He laughed before
quickly falling asleep and snoring like a trooper for nearly two hours straight at a guess.
I'm not sure whether I drifted off eventually whilst he snored or if he stopped first, so I
assume it must be the former. When I woke next it was still dark, and thankfully peaceful
so I managed to fall straight back to sleep. Birdsong and the first shards of sunlight
greeted my next stirring so I must have slept for some time at least.

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Later on in the morning after a few more snoozes Chris came back into the yurt to pack
up his things. It looked as though he was going to be leaving shortly, disappointed that
the work Keith had performed on him in an effort to remove his entity hadn't worked.
Chris explained how he had been aware he was carrying this entity for about fourteen
months if I recall correctly. I think his hopes had been built so high on finally getting it
out that he was bitterly disappointed when it didnt happen straight away. I don't recall
much of what they were doing the previous night and had been outside for a lot of it but
I do remember Keith saying that this one was particularly stubborn. Chris explained
how he thought Keith was a fraud for want of a better term and he was going to ask for
his money back as he could put it to better use. He was a student who was now
resigning himself to having to go to the Amazon. Brian and I tried to convince him to
stay and continue this evening, but he wasn't having any of it. I started to wonder about
Keith myself. I mean I hadn't had any real experience, just a slight psychedelic haze at
one point, that was how I was looking at things at that stage... the doubts about brew
strength and dosage returned and I wondered whether to pay Keith the remainder of
what I owed him for a while. As we got there late on Friday I didn't manage to pay on
arrival and on Saturday I just forgot about it as I'm prone to doing.
We all had breakfast then sat and shared our experiences, starting off with just one
word each to sum things up. Mine was disappointed. I had been looking forward to
meeting Mother A and learning a few things, and hopefully restoring a little zest, or gain
some new inspiration to help in my writing as that had been suffering of late, mainly
due to my procrastination or lack of direction. After revisiting the early effort to sort out
the shoddy clutter, grammar and typing errors I began to get hit by doubts as to whether
it was any good. Real doubts. As I read through it, bigger and bigger chunks got deleted.
My mind had become quite cluttered. I see that now and my writing reflected that.
Currently I'm not sure how much of the early stuff will go in, or whether I'll just rewrite
the lot. The clutter came because I got entangled in all the conspiracy stuff. Every day
brought new, startling and worrying information. I was making new YouTube playlists
on different topics all the time, the Boston bombing being the latest in the list of what
I'm positive are false flag events. I've still yet to decide whether to include any
conspiracy stuff at all after this weekend. I may just keep it extremely brief. What I have
decided is that everything on that front can wait, until I have my account of this weekend
finished up. I want to focus on this entirely so I'm not even putting YouTube on for the
rest of this week that I'm off work.
So I was disappointed. Chris was the only other who replied anything negative though.
Brian and Michael were the only ones of the others who hadn't experienced anything
as yet either but answered "weak" and "content" respectively. People then elaborated
on their experiences and some had obviously gone pretty deep as I hope to be able to
show you through their own words. Keith pulled out some truffles from Holland as a
backup plan if anyone failed to get an experience that Sunday night. Hmmm I thought,
maybe this was what I needed rather than Mother A. Knowing how shrooms can spark

my creativity. This was good news so I felt better. Even though I was slightly
disappointed that Mother A hadn't come to talk, I was still having a great time anyway.
Great company, awesome surroundings, an amazing vibe and good healthy food with
no noise or TV. Bliss.
Keith had been saying that it was more than likely the individual than any threshold or
dosage level that was affecting things, and perhaps we were finding it hard to let go. I
wasn't sure. I mean I was doing all I could to let go, my mind still wandered as I found
it hard to not let it think. This is one of the reasons I have trouble meditating. I can't just
seem to not think. It doesn't trouble me anymore, not since July anyway. Before then
the thoughts would often be scathing and dark. Since then they just sound like the old
child in me. I joke to myself, as shown by the Blackadder thoughts, or I daydream about
all sorts. The only real time I have noticed it stopping is when Im listening to someone
else or I'm outside looking at nature; like at the ducks, geese and swans whilst on
breaks at work. Then I just stop and take things in, the shine of a ducks feathers as it
glides through the water, or the elegance of a goose, neck outstretched, as it scans the
surrounding area for threats whilst its long term partner grazes in safety; those sort of
things make my mind cease temporarily. I was lucky enough to see two swans perform
their mating ritual a couple of weeks ago too, tangling their necks together as they
mirrored each others movements in a symphony Beethoven would be proud of. How
can you think about anything when that's going on eh?
Sorry, there's me digressing again...After everyone had finished talking we had lunch,
washed up and went for some reflection and rest. Brian and I shared a joint and crashed
for a much needed siesta, only to be woken by an excited Chris. By the time I woke I
must have missed some of the conversation as I wasn't really sure what was going on.
I gathered that Penny had managed to help Chris somehow with his problem, and heard
mention of angels and wotnot. Chris would be leaving with her in the afternoon to
progress elsewhere. He did seem a different bloke, renewed with vigour. It was good
to see him like that after the distress I had seen him in earlier that morning. He left
shortly after I think, but I was now awake and thinking about my situation. Maybe it was
my mind thinking about things that was stopping me getting any sort of experience.
Maybe I didn't need any healing. It also occurred to me that maybe I might have maybe
angered Mother A slightly by seeking inspiration when she has far more important
things to do with others. Whatever it was I decided to pay Keith the remainder of the
money when I saw him next as I didn't want another thing on my mind that night. After
witnessing the others and hearing their stories I felt Keith was legitimate, so if there was
any problem it was me. That was how I saw it then, at that time.
Chris and Penny left as mentioned, but along with them we unfortunately had to bid
farewell to Michael and Steve for other commitments and Leon and Darren also left.
Leon as he came with Steve and Darren because he said all he could hear the prior
night was a voice telling him to drive home and see his partner, so he did. I'm not sure
why the two brothers had to leave but we were all certainly sad to see all of them depart.
Hugs all round, and promises to keep in touch. Michael was one of the ones who at
that stage hadn't had an experience but his brother had by all accounts. Michael said

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he didn't mind, he had had a great weekend, and met some lovely people. My
sentiments exactly. After they left people went back to sleep or started collecting bits of
plants, leave or flowers for their Pasanga.
A Pasanga is a small bottle of vodka filled with plant material that "calls to you" as you
walk round the garden. You then fill it with some other fragrant water such as rose petal,
some of the best mineral water on the planet fresh from the Alps, and some other stuff
I can't remember now. You charge it with an intention that should come under one of
four categories of either love, health, money or occupation and there you have it; your
own personal bottle of magic with the spirits of the plants to help you. I charged mine
with the intent of making this work a success and to get rid of my procrastination and
foggy mind. I think its working; I'm banging away on my keyboard anyway.
Stella offered to help me before the evenings ceremonies with some healing work to
open up my chakras, and I sat with her and one of the twins, Stephen or Mike, in the
marquis. We were asked to think of something that was troubling us or making us sad
so that we could focus on letting go of that emotion and getting it out. All I could think
of was losing a family dog recently as had obviously made me extremely sad. We
worked on that and as I pictured him the tears started to flow and the nose started to
run, but Stella was amazing. Her soft, calm voice guiding me with what to do. I had to
let go of the sadness, and just remember the good times, picturing him with what made
him happy, which just had to be a tennis ball. I was told to send him love, and feel the
love that he sent in return, and I have to say it worked, or at least I think it did.
From there we were also encouraged to think about what else was troubling us, and
my thoughts jumped to my ability to trust others completely, and how it's hard for me to
open up completely, or it has been. Then we had to imagine white light coming from
the creator, or source, straight into the top of our heads through our crown chakra, and
down through various parts of our anatomies, our hearts, kidneys, liver, intestines and
all sorts, enshrouding them all with love. All the while Stella is whispering softly what
each part is linked to. I forget most of them but I do remember that she said the lower
intestine is where we hold onto things and problems because we can't let go off stuff. I
asked her if this could be why I have had troubles with piles for a long time and she
affirmed that it probably was. This reminds me, I must go and see a chemist....
We were then asked to imagine an orange light coming up from Mother Earth in through
our feet and going up our legs before merging with the white light to fuse and turn
yellow. This mix of healing love and energy we then had to picture sending out all over
the surrounding area. I got a bit carried away here, and went beyond the town, county
and continent and imagined enveloping the globe with it. Possibly a tad optimistic, but
that's just the way I am these days...
I certainly felt revitalised after we had finished our session, of what I estimate was about
twenty or so minutes, that's for sure. It felt like I was tingling just a little. It always
certainly helps to get some grief out if nothing else. I thought I had managed to get rid

of it all, but just thinking of him had brought it back. Something worked because when
I think of him now I just smile, I don't feel a tear at all. I thanked Stella and made my
way out the marquis where Keith was outside smoking; just the man I needed to see. I
grabbed the notes from my back pocket and handed them to Keith apologising for not
doing so at any earlier opportunity. He just smiled; and gave me a vegemite sandwich...
He didn't; I'm just kiddingI've been trying to write about what's in my head, and that
came into my head so I wrote it.... No, in all seriousness he thanked me and said we'd
be all been busy and not to worry. Good, that was one thing off my mind at least. I knew
I would have paid him before I left, as morally right to do so, whether or not I had any
experiences, but paying before that night began meant that I felt better about myself by
putting some faith in others as well as the not having to think about it aspect.
As the evening progressed it became clear how much some people had already been
helped. Both the twins and Ethan, a lovely Scottish guy, had some very profound
experiences. Ethan looked a new person. I hadn't really gotten much of a chance to
talk to him before now but we shared a joint or two in the marquis whilst it peed down
with rain, and he filled me, Brian and Damon in on some of the details. As we spoke it
began to dawn on me that maybe I was right in that I didn't need any healing or
inspiration; at least not from Mother A herself. I was there for entirely different reasons.
That suspicion grew and grew, and by the time I left on Monday afternoon it had become
a surety.
With these thoughts floating around my head I asked Keith if he minded if I went straight
for the truffles instead of the Ayahuasca. He though on this for a moment before stating
in that my case this would be fine. Before we drank, or ate in my case, Keith did some
USR work on Brian. I was fascinated as I heard Keith talking about Brian's prior lives,
and the suffering he had undertaken there. He described the process of what he was
doing as he did it, who he was calling on to help him and where they were. He said he
certainly felt a bit better after, though the work is still carrying on, and for the next few
weeks he has to avoid meat. After they were done, I ate first and then the others drank.
Keith had earlier suggested five grams as these were pretty potent, but then suggested
seven, before settling on eight. They had been preserved in honey so were not in the
least bit nasty as I chewed them around my mouth and watched everyone else grimace
as they drank. Seemed like the right choice so far certainly. Nina had decided to join
Stella in opting out as she had had quite the experience on Saturday night, and that
was enough for her. Nina had never taken any drugs in her life bar a few tokes on a
joint up until that weekend.
Before I settled down, Stella did some more work on my chakras, and opened them
right up. I'd never done any of this sort of thing before this weekend and had been a
little sceptical before feeling what she could do. The crystal on the pendant was
certainly swinging a lot more at the end of our session. Maybe there are some fake
healers out there, in fact I'm sure there are, but Stella is certainly not one of them. They
say a nurse or any sort of healer works best if they have a lot of love in them, and also
that plants respond to love and music. That is her gift and it's natural. She is one of the
nicest people I have ever met and I mean that as a compliment of the highest merit. My

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ex used to have a go at me if I said she looked nice- Nice! Thats all, just nice? I never
used to get that
Open chakras or not though, the truffles didn't really seem to be taking hold. People
had taken their second doses by now, those that wanted them anyway. Tom, a rather
quiet guy from Poland had declined dose number two as he was well away again,
chuckling to himself as he lay on the floor in his sleeping bag. I also declined as was
determined to see if the honey coated beauties would kick in. A fair amount of time
went by and I didn't really notice anything. The flame in the fire looked green but we
had been burning a bit of green Ash. I wasn't sure how my body felt as was pretty warm
in the room, so I decided to see what a big fat bifter would do to me as for some reason
recalled Terence McKenna saying he smoked a large one just as he was about to come
up on psilocybin. I went back to the yurt and rolled one up. Brian was in there chilling
out on his tod. He had puked more or less instantly after the first dose of the night, and
opted to try some truffles for round two. I left him to it and walked back up to the marquis
to smoke my joint.
I sat down by the fire on the bench next to Stephen, and we spoke as I smoked. He
was clearly pretty smashed for want of a better word, and I later found out he was sort
of in two dimensions at once, and was witnessing thousands of beautiful snakes
writhing around on the floor in front of us. How he managed to hold a conversation with
me I'll never know. He explained how he had had the best clear out ever and was now
just blissed out basically. We watched his brother hastily emerge from inside the
building and carefully make his way under the marquis guide ropes to find the purging
spot (ah, so thats where it was!) before starting to heave. His were as violent as the
ones his brother had just described to me, and I was a little concerned but after he had
finished I just had to laugh. He crouched for some time; in that not sure if you've finished
or not stage, before standing and stretching his arms up to the sky and just sort of going
limp.
Ive been to puzzling world and have a photo of myself and friends standing in a room
of illusion where objects pay tricks on you to make the angles appear funny, so you can
appear to be leaning as though you were in a ski jump position with no skis... Mike was
in the same stance, maybe not quite as pronounced but there was a very definite lean
as he just seemed to hang there. It didn't look as though he would be able to stand in
that position for long, but somehow managed to do so, probably for about ten minutes
or so. Then he came over to us and said something along the lines of "That was mad
bro. She gave me a good and proper clean out and then I squatted there and she asked
me if I was ready, so I asked her if I was ready for what? And she said just put your
arms out. I'm going to sort your back out. She then lifted and stretched me, and I felt
every vertebrae slip back into place. It was bloody awesome. She sorted me right out."
By now it was the end of the second ceremony. I had been wondering whether to have
a dose as was feeling pretty smashed now, one way or another, be it through the truffles
or the more or less pure joint I had just smoked all to myself, but it's me, you know me

a little by now right? What did you think I was going to do? This was the last opportunity
to drink all weekend after all. I waited until everyone else went whilst I still made up my
mind completely, or tried to come up with a valid argument against more to the point,
but as soon as they had finished and Keith called last orders I was up and making my
way over to kneel in front of him and request the Black caapi with Mimosa; the one
remaining colour I hadn't yet tried. I was offered it with love, and received it with love
before pinching my nose, just in case, and swallowing in one gulp again. I thanked Keith
and gave him back the cup and made my way to a couch to get comfy.
Everywhere was quiet, bar the odd murmur and giggle coming from Tom's sleeping
bag, his head buried somewhere underneath out of sight. I lay back, closed my eyes
and tried to drift off, but once more found my mind wandering. I tried to tell it to be quiet,
that it was my rational mind, and if he wanted to carry on being mates he had better
STFU, but it didn't work. I can't recall what I was thinking exactly, but the truffles had
definitely kicked in a little at least. I started to wonder, not worry, and this is important,
but wonder whether people were hearing my thoughts, or picking up on my
consciousness. I didn't worry because I felt totally at home and at ease, but I did
wonder, because whenever I thought of something that I considered pretty funny, a
timely giggle from Tom would follow right on cue. Initially I thought I was imagining
things, but the instances grew more and more frequent. Then as I started to think about
whether it was happening or not the laughter only increased.
When Eric started whispering some things in French again, I started to wonder whether
he was trying to tell me it was okay. For some daft reason I had it in my head that he
thought Tom might know English but he might not know French. Earlier on in the day
I had mentioned to Eric that he had resorted to speaking French whilst in a trance the
night before, so I was thinking he knew I knew some French at least, and was trying to
reassure me in French. I struggled to hear what he was saying as was really faint- more
giggling from Tom....For some time I just tried to chill and thought about not caring what
I thought. In years gone by under the influence of ecstasy when I had gone into one"
in a sense and started to worry about what I was thinking in company, I used to think
some bad stuff, and just automatically trudge up all the shit in my life, and the things I
had done wrong, or thought I had done wrong, or how I judged people too quickly, all
that sort of crap you know? Here I felt so at home, and totally at ease, that I thought I
could think about anything and it wouldn't matter. I knew I wouldn't be judged for
anything I had done in the past. The problem was, I didn't want to be thinking, just in
case it was the thinking that was keeping Mother A at bay. The mere fact that I was
wondering that people may be hearing as such was something to think about, and I
couldn't relax, so I decided on making my way back to the yurt. Tom, by now is
practically pissing himself.
Precisely as I stirred to rise Keith rang the gong for the end of the final ceremony. Had
that been an hour? Really? Who knows, but I decided to wait a while to hear the closing
words. Keith closed it all down, saying that was it for the weekend, time to go to bed
and all that sort of thing, only for Eric to get up out of his slumber and start pleading
with him, still in French, that it should not end now. I had to giggle at that, got up, put

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on my shoes and bade goodnight to the room and made my way to the yurt. Halfway
there I thought it would be a good idea to go for a pee, to save having to possibly get
up in the middle of the night to do so. I got to the hay bales by the outside loo, and just
about managed to get Percy out his compartment before I threw up all over the bales.
Hmmm; completely unexpected. A second and third burst followed before I was
comfortable enough to start and finish my other business, before making my way back
to the yurt, laughing to myself about how I had managed to go the whole weekend
without puking where I was meant to.
Brian was fast akip but looked cold, so I struggled unsuccessfully for about twenty
minutes to light the fire. I think too much rain had come down the pipe and it was all a
bit damp, that was my excuse and I'm sticking to it, though it's likely I'm just crap at
starting fires; should have joined the scouts as a kid- ah well. I figured he was asleep
and didn't want to disturb the others looking for any more newspaper and kindling. I
opted to use the double mattress that we had dragged over from the building previously
and had gone unused on Saturday night, seemed a waste otherwise. I dragged my quilt
over and made myself comfy. It wasn't too cold after all once under the covers so I
stopped worrying about Brian and tried to let go once more. By now the truffles have
gotten a proper hold and my mind is just still on a mission. I'm absolutely sure I could
still hear Tom laughing but he was forty or fifty yards away, behind a closed door on a
very windy night...
I resigned myself to the fact that nothing major was going to happen to me, and the
more I thought about it then the more and more I was happy with that. I knew I was
there for a reason, I just didn't know what it was before that night. I had needed some
proper human contact, talking about the things that I saw as important, not what's on
the TV. I needed to meet a group of likeminded people, as well as test whether I could
cope in unfamiliar territory. There is a reason I haven't been to a festival all my life. I'm
not, or never have been previously, comfortable with strangers. Meeting people used
to freak me out a bit so you avoid those situations as best you can. I think I needed to
prove to myself that I could do this, and I'd say I pulled it off. I didn't have any troubles
or concerns, I don't think I annoyed anyone, and I think they all took to me a little, farts
and all. At least that's the impression I got. I had received the healing from the visit with
the Bodhisattva in July last year, I just needed to test it one hundred percent, and I
didn't need Mother A for that, it was something I had to do by myself. She stayed away
on purpose I think, not even coming to tell me that, because I had to realise it for myself
also. It seems like a sound theory to my impractical mind anyway. By not going into any
trance states as such I was also better able to witness, and remember as best I could
for a long term marijuana smoker, the events of the weekend. I had the idea that Sunday
night of asking the others if they wouldn't mind sharing their experiences with me by email for me to use as anonymous testimonials in the book, and they all agreed, at least
nobody said no of the people who were still left. That in itself is awesome is it not?

Several people's opinions and experiences rather than just mine. You see? Alls well
that ends well...
I slept eventually, after having opted against a bed time doobie in the hopes of possibly
dreaming during the night, but alas, no. Morning came and I tried to snooze as long as
possible knowing I would have a long drive ahead of me later on. Breakfast that morning
included the option of a pancake if preferred to yoghurt or porridge and I wholeheartedly
obliged. It was different class, packed with fruit, a little yoghurt and honey, and drizzled
with orange juice; hmmm. We then talked about the night before and people shared
their experiences once more. Pasanga's were finished off by adding a flower from the
vase in the very centre, or direct energy spot, of the building. Earlier on when I had
entered with my Pasanga I had thought of taking a small bud from there myself. They
seemed to call to me as had been suggested they could, and I made my way to them
before deciding it might be rude to take a flower without asking first and sitting back
down. When Keith mentioned that they had been in a specific spot all weekend
absorbing all the love and the energy, and that we were meant to take one for our
Pasanga's I had to smile, and picked a nice purple bud after apologising to it, and then
thanking it as I slipped it into my bottle. The final ingredients were added and we
charged them with our intentions, and then sadly we had to begin preparations to leave.
We had a group photo first and then people hugged and said some goodbyes. Stella
went with Mike to give directions as he dropped Damon and Tom down at the train
station before returning. We said goodbye to the twins as they would be gone by the
time we returned from my town run. Stella came as a guide again as I took Brian, Eric
and Nina to the town to shop for some work clothes for Brian. Eric and Nina had some
time before their train and wanted to look in some shops also so we bade them an
emotional farewell before Brian, Stella and I went looking at trousers and shoes. When
Brian had found the trousers he wanted and we were waiting while he paid for them I
noticed the song that was playing on the radio in the shop. I'm not sure who it was that
was singing but there was a female voice repeating the phrase "beautiful people." After
the weekend and the fond farewells just moments before, the extent of how lovely these
people are dawned on me, the song just kick-started the feeling, and before I knew it I
was crying in the shop. It just came out of nowhere as I contemplated the song, and
correlated it with everyone there that weekend. We looked unsuccessfully for some
shoes before heading back to the retreat to pack the car, say goodbye to Keith, Stella
and Ethan, who was staying being to help Keith with a few things before heading back
to Scotland. It was emotional.
Brian and I jumped in the car and headed off, deciding against going to look further for
shoes as time was pressing on a bit. We got out onto the motorway, and were busy
chatting as I went to overtake an HGV in the middle lane. I'm not sure why, perhaps it
was because I wasn't fully in tune with the normal world as yet, but I didn't look in the
mirror a second time before pulling into the overtaking lane. I had looked in the mirror
initially on seeing the HGV and there was nobody behind at all. It was only a few
moments until I pulled out after we reached it but I should have checked again. I did
check my mirror after pulling across and was aghast to see a red car almost parked in

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my back seat containing a very surprised woman. She must have been really shifting
and we likely missed colliding by a few feet at the most. I cringed and waved my hand
in apology as I could make out every aspect of her startled face in my mirror. She waved
back as if to say no problem for making me pee my pants and shot off as I cowered
back into the middle lane then over to the slow one to calm down a bit more. We had
just consumed a bit of orange laced with Himalayan salt in an effort to get us better in
tune with reality- maybe I needed two slices
The traffic on the way back wasn't as bad as on the way up, but I still had several
disagreements with the sat nav. One instance being particularly ironic. I had just
finished berating the fact that they need seven miles of average speed check cameras
on the M6 or whatever road it was, when I took a wrong exit on the roundabout, and
had to go back and do it all over again, twice. Me and my big mouth. We stopped just
the once to get something to eat and opted for a BK. Yeah, I know I'm weak, and it
tasted horrible too. We made pretty good time on the way back. I dropped Brian at the
station and bade farewell in a sort of manly hug as two local men were perched on the
wall pretty close by. It's amazing how quickly you drop back into caring what people
think sometimes. I made my way home and unloaded the car as I filled the bath, and
noticed that I had left the oven on for three days like a complete donut! I had a lovely
soak in a nice hot bath before an early night. In the morning I checked my e-mails. K
had already sent one, so had Michael, who had an experience in the kitchen once he
had gotten home. I sent a note out to the group explaining how even if nothing major
happened for me in the way of a journey with Ayahuasca I had a tremendous personal
journey that I needed as well as being there to record what happened, and made some
great new friends. More than friends in fact as I quote from my mail below.

"What I'm trying to get across is that it dawned on me, how much I have been missing
human contact and emotion. I have generally kept myself to myself for the past quarter
of a century, and have found it difficult to have faith in others and to love and trust them.
I think I learned more from realising this myself, than any external message. I couldn't
have realised this though without you all, my new family. Never have I felt so
comfortable in alien surroundings and amongst strangers. I had initially gone on the
retreat as wanting some sort of inspiration to help me in completing and sorting out my
book. I didn't need Mother A to give that to me it turned out. I have gotten it all from all
of you, and I will always be thankful for meeting you all and sharing what we all
experienced in such a momentously stunning, serene and beautiful place.

As indicated in my report of the weekend I have reports back from a lot of the people
who went, and I include these now to give additional testimony to the wonders of
Ayahuasca.

NINA
Hi Mark, hi Keith,
Just wanted to tell you my experience in writing, so Mark that you can hopefully include it in
some way in your book.
Which hopefully will become a best seller.
I had a very intense and strong experience on Saturday.
I didn't have any expectations before drinking, just was thinking 'let's see what might come out
of it'.
I had quite an annoying headache that week, it had started on Thursday already, and I did feel
how mother A did embrace the painful areas in my brain and then suddenly I did see a purple
and cramping eye coming out and looking at me.
I also felt a big pressure in my chest.
Shortly after that I started to see white and black structures with some purple mixed in
between and then did open my eyes as I started to feel very dizzy.
And I did see the room in 3 dimensions and immersed in beautiful colours (I felt like being in
the Amazon: yellows, greens and reds). The fire was purple.
I also did see a lot of transparent structures with little purple light in between.
After a while I did feel that mother A. was embracing some very dark areas in my belly and I
felt very scared.
But the same minute I felt scared she started to remove all the black stuff and then I felt a
warm ball moving around in circles in my belly. (A very nice and peaceful feeling)
Then suddenly I felt very sick and had to vomit. After that I felt relieved. And did see a lot of
Amazonian colours again and was hearing sort of a vibrating noise, as if I would be in the middle
of the Amazon and hearing plenty insects flying around a fire.
At the end when Keith started singing and telling mother A. that it was time to go home I
started to see a lot of green mist and white candles in the middle of the room. And I felt very,
very peaceful and relaxed.
I'm grateful for this experience, and feel sort of peaceful and much more relaxed then I did
before coming to the retreat.
I feel that I did remove a lot of frustrations and tensions.
Thank you very much for everything Keith and all the effort you did put into this retreat.

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Eric
Life has happened in the last three days. So many things to do, commitments to fulfill,
expectations to meet... all this has kept me away from replying, compiling and
processing the events experienced last week-end. Maybe its just a strategy to avoid
dealing with it? Thats just me speculating here...
Keith, Thank you for organising this week-end and giving me the opportunity to explore
my consciousness.
I have felt a little bit drunk from the first detox dose we had on Friday. Nothing more.
On Saturday, I required two doses to launch my trip during which I was condemned to
be a passive observer of what I believe was either an early childhood or maybe pastlife traumatic experience. I remember going into a fetal position to protect myself from
an aggressor, with only my pointed finger to defend myself and to dissuade the
aggressor and I kept shouting laisse moi(leave me alone.) Although painful, it always
felt right to go through it, to express it.
The due purge was another painful experience. It felt like an invisible tremendous force
had taken control of my bowels and facial muscles, and was forcing the brew out of my
body, my whole system. However, I felt tremendous peace afterwards and there was
an assurance that I had dropped an invisible weight, released some shackles that had
secretly kept me in an invisible prison for a bit too long. Looking back, I think the Mother
has answered one of my prayers which was to help me to go through this life as a more
self-confident person.
I later went for a third dose, its effects helped me fortifying the sense of peace and
release I had started feeling after the purge. I grew into the conviction that I had left
behind this painful experience and that life would not be the same anymore.
The second experience with the brew on Sunday was totally different. Mother showed
herself from her sweet side. Here too, I needed two doses to start feeling the effects.
Bliss and Joy as never experienced before in my life. The whole night was a meditation
on Silence. Silence as the source of everything, silence as God. It has been a
meditation on Love. Love as the perfume of this silence. I also thought about the Mother
and my love for her. I remember repeating Jaime Maman. Maman je taime (Mother
I love you) and feeling that love, so strongly that it was even unbearable and I wept,
shed so many tears for this strong love. I felt I was right to be there. The thought that I
had made the choice to be here circulated through my mind.
Here too, the purge was a painful release, I opted not to take another dose and went
back to my contemplation of the silence and love, hoping the moment would never end.

I have never experienced anything like what happened this week-end. I am convinced
so much healing has happened during that week-end, so much that I have not even
started to grasp all the implications. I am a different person than the one who arrived to
the retreat on Friday.
I feel much gratitude for everyone I had the privilege to meet and share the weekend
with.

LEON
Mother A journey Friday 26 April 2013
Friday I took the 40ml. Cielo chacruna detox dose. I wasnt expecting anything tonight as it was
only the one small dose. The taste was very bitter and muddy. Of all the Ayahuasca I have had
this was the most difficult to swallow.
I was the last of 16 to drink. After a few minutes back in my seat I got up to go outside to smoke
a fag. I felt the slightest tinge of nausea but put it down to the horrible taste of Ayahuasca I
just drank.
I struggled with rolling my smoke but finally managed to roll a bad one. The smoking almost
made me gag so I ditched it after a few strong pulls on it and went to the loo. Coming back
from the loo I stopped outside the Octagon to chat with Chris. As he started speaking to me I
sensed a strong smell of Ayahuasca and though it might be on Chris breath. I started feeling a
bit faint and felt like sitting down. Half way through one of Chris sentences I felt my lights
going out and dashed for the Octagon. I dashed to one of the sofas and lay down. I thought I
was going to faint and the light of my sight was about six inches in front of me. It was as if I
was looking out from a dark space and out about six inches in front of me was the light.
I was a bit frightened as I did not know what was happening. I thought maybe I was in a much
weaker state because of the diet I wasnt used to and hadnt had food for 10 hours and then
had a smoke. I wasnt sure what was going to happen to me or why was I getting faint.
Keith walked past and then sat down next to me and asked how I was. I told him about feeling
as if I could faint and didnt know what was happening. He just smiled and said It looks like
your healing has begun. I felt relieved and knew it would be OK. Almost immediately I was hit
by a strong jolt and knew I was on a journey so I just relaxed into it.
I was snapped into the most intense psychedelic space I have ever been in. All the points of
light candles and light reflecting off people, glasses, windows etc became like intense
kaleidoscopes. My body was completely immobilised by an intense combination of light and
sound vibrating throughout my whole body. It sounded like I was in some kind of electronic
sound studio with many high frequency waves being tuned ever higher and going through my
body. I sensed it wasnt my outer body, the bones and flesh but my nervous system and DNA
structures were being fine-tuned. I could feel it rotate from place to place with sound and light
being somehow combined. I was very aware of Mother As presence. She was the kindest,

196

gentlest presence overseeing the process going on inside me. I knew she was healing me. I was
aware that something profound was going on inside me.
At one point she said I have given you a gift but didnt say what it was. The intense frequency
of sound and light had now died down a bit. I asked what my gift was but she didnt answer
me so I started thinking about what it might be. This moment seemed so profound that I didnt
want to let go of it without knowing what it was I was being given.
However, the moment my mind started this thought process the sound and light frequency
kicked in again at full force. This process was so powerful that it didnt allow my mind to think
or analyse and all I could do was observe. Mother A told me that if I was going to be of any
help to anyone else it wouldnt be a result of my thinking skills but would be what Mother A
would do through me.
I knew instantly that I could be used but that I wouldnt be in control of it. Either Mother A
would tell me what to say and do or she would just do it through me without my being aware
of it. With this dynamic I cannot use my egoic thinking to help others and I became aware of
how much my ego is normally involved in helping others. I often help others not just for the
sake of helping but also to gratify my ego needs. This new arrangement wouldnt allow for
that.
Soon after this awareness the sound and light frequency diminished and I just lay there still
experiencing profound visual Kaleidoscopic images.
In all my years of taking LSD, mushrooms and other hallucinogens as well as previous journeys
with Ayahuasca, I have never experienced anything as intense as this. It took me over
completely and utterly.
I still dont know what my gift might be or what I am meant to do and somehow I think that
was the point. I dont worry or think about it. It will do what it is meant to do and is
independent of my egoic thinking.

Mike
Day one.
Not long after taking the first detox brew on the Friday evening, I started to feel a warm
sensation across my body, and when I closed my eyes I began to see faint images of snakes and
also a single 'eye' with a yellow iris (in the right of my vision) followed by two pairs of smaller
eyes appearing in the left side of my vision. The 'eyes' seemed to say 'hello' and felt familiar to
me. I had the feeling they were waiting for something and I wanted to say 'hello' but I felt a bit
silly, so I didn't.

The ceremony came to an end around 45 minutes later, and so I left the octagon and wandered
down to where the fire-circle was at the bottom of the garden. I then looked up at the stars
and began to see very faint light trails swooshing across the night sky, in all directions and
connecting via the stars. Sometimes they formed shapes and sometimes they turned a pale
shade of green, but it was very faint and I accepted that the medicine was having some kind of
subtle visual effect on me.
Later that same night, after I had retired to my yurt, I began to feel a little bit, well, fuzzy! I
thought nothing much of it and tried to get some sleep. The temperature in the yurt had
dropped to just above freezing and so I wrapped myself up in plenty of layers, shut my eyes
and fell asleep.
I awoke sometime later in the night with an overwhelming feeling of warmth and security. I
thought it odd as I should really have been shivering! However I felt as if I was completely
wrapped up in the thickest duvet of the softest, warmest material known to man, it was lovely.
I smiled to myself and wondered if I was dreaming (rational mind kicking in!). However, later I
woke another two times with the very same feeling, and so understood I was not dreaming. I
had a beautiful nights' sleep, even though it was near freezing!
Day 2
The next day, during the walk to xxxxx (on the flat fields before the bridge crossing), something
came to mind, since I had started the detox diet some weeks before, the back of my left knee
had started itching randomly, not from a bite or skin complaint but just a light itch/tingling
sensation that I would scratch. I then realised that I have a bad knee complaint (which I have
had for over 10 years) and I should have been in pain during the walk, as it wasn't an easy
stroll. I could only think that the medicine was already working on me. I can't say that my knee
is completely fixed but I know that I should have not completed that walk without pain, yet
there was none whatsoever. I was on cloud 9!
That night we all drank, and like the night before I started to see very faint light trails in the
night sky, green eyes opening and closing, and also a few snakes this time. I must admit I was
quite nervous at this point and for some reason I felt more comfortable being outside by the
fire-circle, and so made my way down.
Around 35 minutes later I went back into the Octagon to drink for the second time, although I
did not really want to, I thought in for a penny...in for a pound! and drank the second brew.
After 20 minutes or so I began to feel the effects (much stronger this time), where again (sorry
keith!) I had the urge to be outside, and so I went back down to the fire-circle where I saw my
brother having a bit of a hard time, which filled me with both curiosity, and slight fear.
Back in the Octagon around 20 minutes later, I sat down on the Journey sofa and closed my
eyes. Wow, now I started to see lots of trees, vines, eyes, and snakes very vividly, with one
large tree in the centre of my vision (where I could look up, down and around it with my eyes
closed).

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I must admit I was a little freaked out by the enormity of what I was seeing and as soon as the
ceremony was over I upped and left for a cigarette and joined Leon by the fire-circle. During
this time, we chatted about his past experiences and then the medicine began to come on
stronger, until it got to a point where the effects of the brew were so strong I could not think
about anything else but trying to keep it together. The Sky was now alight with trails of colour
and light. I also began to see thin coloured lines outlining the bone structure on people's faces.
I had no idea what time it was but I knew it was getting late. At this point I was becoming
fearful of closing my eyes, let alone going to sleep! It seemed to me that everybody had
received their 'experience' and all but a few, had gone to bed. Why was mine not easing off?
It's been hours since I drank, I thought.
I chatted with Chris outside the Octagon until it became impossible to hold a simple
conversation, I was becoming completely distracted by the coloured lines in his face and on his
bone structure and so I politely made a sharp exit and headed back to the yurt where I
remembered telling Ethan that my spine felt like a tree trunk.
The medicine was still coming on stronger than ever, I was beginning to feel a little terrified by
now but didn't let on to anybody that I was scared.
What happened next, I can only explain as a 'battle'. I closed my eyes and the most fantastic
geometric shapes and colours began to appear. The shapes began to form walls and the walls
evolved into rooms followed by large mechanical structures, moving and turning in the floor.
What worried me a little was, if I happened to question what was going on, or tried to preempt what was about to happen, I would be met with snarling teeth and faces within the
patterns I was seeing, followed by the colours and shapes quickly fading into a dull, bronze,
murky, lifeless colour.
At this point I could only see a small glint of colour far away in the distance, and in order to
bring the colour back into full view I began to 'apologise', by openly and honestly regretting
my questioning, where now I would be met with smiley faces and full-blown colours.
This scenario carried on for what felt like an eternity, with the colours getting more dramatic
and the shapes evolving into ever-changing brilliant white tiles, where the space between the
tiles was alight with brilliant multi-coloured light, it was fantastic. There was a point in the
visions where I knew I was seeing 'perfection by design'. I had never seen anything so beautiful
and perfectly formed, I was utterly grateful of what Mother A was showing me. I even said
"you're just showboating now!' and she replied calmly with "you ain't seen nothing yet..!"
However, in the back of my mind I kept asking myself, when will this end? What do these faces
want from me? (and the effects were still getting stronger!)
After a while, with the continuation of more vibrant colours, patterns, golden mechanical
structures, faces and a multitude of roomsI had a feeling that something else was happening
here. I began to realise that while I was being shown these beautiful kaleidoscopic designs,
there was a deeper force at work. All I can compare it to is that somebody once told me that if

you are scared of the Dentist, try listening to your favourite music to drown out the sound of
the drill, let the music take you some place magical. I then convinced myself that I was
deliberately being distracted by this beautiful place, while a procedure was being carried out
on me, at a more subconscious level. I could feel pain and sadness coming from somewhere.
At this point I really got scared and began to plead for it to stop. At one point I was trying to
leave my body and enter one of the rooms (in order to please Mother A). I was just about
there, except for my little finger hanging on to my physical body. I tried so damn hard to let
go, it was such a weird feeling having 99% of your body in another dimension while your little
finger holds on to your physical body and for dear life. I wanted to cut my finger off as I was
extremely annoyed that I couldn't cross over fully into the room.
I decided to open my eyes for a breather, but to my horror the visions had entered the physical
world. I quietly mumbled 'Ohhh God...' and knew it was far from over. I was feeling very weak
at this point, and began to feel sick (I had not purged since I had arrived). I decided to get up
and take a walk outside where I began to fight the sickness, but eventually purged about four
times. I then went back to the yurt where the other guys were still asleep. I was still heavily
under the influence.
I closed my eyes and I was back in the same place. I had the feeling she was annoyed with me
for fighting it for so long (lots of snarling faces and showing of teeth), and why wouldn't she
be? I thought, how patient had she been with me!, what a stubborn prick I'd been, whatever
she did I questioned it, analysed it and pleaded for her to go away. But she was still there, as
strong as ever. She wasn't letting go until the job was done.
She told me to turn around, and she now was showing me the room where the 'procedure'
had taken place, it was a small room, simple and dull, like a prison cell. I sat there in silence,
nothing was said, just compete silence for what seemed like a very long time. I then shouted
"what do you want from me!?" no answer. I began to think that I was going to be like this
forever after, I thought that every time I closed my eyes from now on all I will see are these
rooms and realms.
My rational mind was in overdrive, will I be able to hold it together in the real world? Will my
wife understand? Will she will be sad and disappointed that I wont be able to sleep, ever.
Suddenly it occurred to me, how fucking selfish am I!? Whimpering like a child because I'd been
fighting something that I'd bloody well signed up to do!fuck!, and I thought I was an 'open'
human being! Yeah right, how pathetic I was as a human being!
From this point onwards something happened to me that I will never forget, I began to look
back at my life and pick a time in my life where I had been completely selfish, stubborn, lazy,
arrogant (the list goes on) and every time I thought of a time, I handed it to Mother A with
no expectation that she would accept it "please take it, this is all I have to give, I don't know
what else to give you" I said. This continued until I had completely stripped myself of all
negativity and every emotion that went along with it. I now felt nothing, I was empty,
exhausted, frail and completely lifeless. She could have shown me anything and I wouldn't
have reacted or cared, I was completely drained and indifferent to my existence as a life form.

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Just then I realised I was now looking into a window at an old man looking out. He was about
90 years old, bald, pale, with his head leaning against the inside of the window staring out
blankly into space, I knew it was me. At that moment I, myself , was now leaning my head
against a window looking out - I had become the old man. I couldn't move, I could only blink
my eyes. My breathing was very shallow and getting shallower, I knew I was dying, I felt
nothing, no love, no memories, nothingMy only thought was my awareness of blinking my
eyes along with very shallow breathing. I was completely alone.
There and then I accepted my fate, and I took what I knew were my last breaths, and then I
died.
At that moment I opened my eyes and the sense of relief was overwhelming, I quietly sobbed
for a little while and then fell asleep.

Day 3
I felt utterly exhausted, as if I had been in a very terrible argument with a loved one. However,
on the flip side, the vibe in the camp was much calmer this day and I enjoyed the peace and
quiet where I had time to reflect on what had happened the night before.
The evening arrived sooner than expected and when it was time to drink I was very unsure but
I knew I had to drink again, I couldn't not drink after what had happened, I knew this wasn't
the end of my journey.
After the first drink, I felt nothing, but I could see a lot of people were in a state of joy and
happiness. My brother asked me "do you feel it?" but I was only feeling a minor tingle. I looked
at him and he looked so happy and joyous, it was beautiful. I was still very shell-shocked from
the previous night. I managed to catch Keith outside of the Octagon and briefly told him about
being shown myself as a 90 year old man taking his last breaths of life. To which Keith replied
"Thank you for sharing that with me Michael, tonight your DNA will be reprogrammed and
your body rebuilt" I now felt more positive and reassured that I'd been through the worst of it
and so decided to drink again.
I drank again 30 minutes later and I immediately began to feel the effects, along with the
feeling of a 'ball' in my stomach. Around 20 minutes later I felt a wave of sickness and I
contemplated if to get up or stay put for a bit. I asked myself "do I need to be sick?"
A calm voice replied "wellyou know it is probably best if you do"
I then asked "shall I go now?"
The voice replied in the sweetest, calmest tone "it's up to you.you could go now if you
want..or you could go in 20 minutes, or an hour, whenever you want, its entirely your choice"

"I'll go now" I replied calmly and I carefully made my way outside and purged at least four or
five times. It was very easy. I was squatting and looking down at the floor I could see that I'd
purged out what looked like thorns, broken glass and yellow bile.
I stood up straight and exhaled deeply, and at that point I was physically forced back into a
squatting position. My eyes were open and I could see roots of a tree about four foot in front
of me. I stayed in the same position for around five minutes, and then I was told by a voice to
look upwards. As I did I could see the biggest green and purple tree-like being staring down at
me.
I looked up at the sky which was dancing with streams of light and shapes of angels and faces,
it was stunning.then as I moved my neck a little more 'crack!' my neck crunched. It felt good.
I could now see the branches of the tree-being wrapping itself around me and entering my
body, and then physically moving my right shoulder 'crack!' the joints in my shoulder clicked
back into what seemed their natural position, I could also feel a popping sensation as knots
were being freed from my muscles. At any moment I was sure I was going to start sprouting
hair and uncontrollably howling at the moon! Next it worked on my right shoulder and then
lifted me slowly until I was standing up straight. As this carried on, there were lots of cracks,
pops and crunches all over my body. Then it hit me, an overwhelming feeling of the purest,
unconditional love entered my body. I just looked straight ahead at the tree-spirit and said "I
love youthank you, thank you". I could see (my eyes were open) that the tree-spirit was
working its magic by relieving the tension I had stored up over the years in my body.
This healing carried on until I was in a position that was very unnatural for me to be in. I started
laughing as I wondered how far she would physically contort me, she laughed with me and
then I said "thank you, but I don't think I can go any further without falling over!" she smiled
and let go of me. I walked over to my brother and Mark and told them I'd just been fixed, they
laughed and said "we could see!"
Back in the octagon I lay down by the fire and immediately Mother A went to work on my
heart, physically massaging it while filling it with an abundance of love in the form of streams
of bright white light. I was immensely grateful at what she was doing. I have only felt this kind
of love once before, the night my mother died, she came to me in a dream and gave me her
love. It was the purest physical kind of love, almost a gloopy-like substance, with the warmest
feeling sensed by every atom in my body.
What happened next was a bit of a shock but an incredible feeling, Ethan began to pat my
chest with the flat of his hand, he said he saw the light in my chest, and as he did, sparks of
brilliant white light bounced around in my vision. It was pretty cool to say the least!
Around 5 minutes later I sat up, opened my eyes and looked around, the Octagon was now not
quite the octagon I knew. It was now covered in vines and trees, I could smell the wood. I
quickly realised that I'd separated from my physical body, it was beautiful. My spatial
awareness was telling me that I was in a room that was much bigger than the Octagon. I was

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physically sensing as well as seeing vine-like structures, it was an awesome feeling, as I knew
I'd crossed over into another realm. I was really proud of myself for completely letting go.
I thanked Mother A again for her love and sent my love back to her. I then moved over to the
Journey sofa and lay down on the floor and closed my eyes. I was now back in the room with
the white tiles where I had been the night before. The room smiled at me and I smiled back
and I said "hello againfancy seeing you here!"
At that moment my ego popped out from behind my legs and yapped something like "that's it,
tell him where to go!" I remember being really embarrassed and also surprised at how small
he was, but also how ballsy he was for his size. He reminded me of a small dog in a winter coat
that made him look bigger than he actually was. I snapped back at him "oi you!!.back off now,
or get lost!" I said. He quickly scuttled back behind my legs and started to cower and point
towards the room. I knew he was scared of the white tiles, so I began to reassure him that if
he behaved himself everything would be ok.
We (me and my so-called ego) moved along from room to room together and every so often I
had to put him back in his place. I remember thinking "this little guy can get a bit too big for
his boots!" but I also understood that he was fragile at heart, and needed a lot of
encouragement, especially when going into the unknown. I also began to realise that he must
have been through a lot the night before, where both Mother A and myself had literally torn
strips off of him.
As we walked together into the last room, he'd tried to rationalise something and rudely
interrupted Mother A so I called his bluff. I sternly said "right, I am going to go in, either with
or without you, I'd rather you come with me but if not then go away, are you with me or not?"
(I knew we could not be separated as we were essentially the same spirit.) My ego replied very
sheepishly "yes please.I'll be right behind you"
At this point we (me and my sheepish ego) walked into the room together where in the centre
was a white vessel which was shaped like a lotus flower. It began to open, and inside I could
see a panel of controls and some sort of interface. In the centre of the vessel was a pinkish
coloured seat where I presumed the pilot would sit.
A Being was also present in the room and invited me over to the vessel and I looked on in
wonder at the controls and the beauty of its design and sleekness. I think the being was some
kind of engineer (or pilot) as he was incredibly proud to show me his vehicle/ship/vessel.
At this point I wondered if the vessel had travelled the stars and galaxies and lo and behold,
the back of the room opened up to show a swirling galaxy. I was taken aback and very
overwhelmed, it was almost too much and I said "I am so very grateful for what you have
already shown me and done for me, would it be possible to leave this journey until the next
time?" At this point Mother A seemed happy enough to let me be on my way, and then she
asked me if I had any questions.

Six weeks before the retreat I had a dream that two beings took control of my body (with my
permission). Using sound and vibration they prepared me for this journey I had just taken. And
so I asked Mother A who these beings were, immediately two sets of smiley eyes appeared
and said "hello!" I smiled back and thanked them for their help.
I then asked them their names, at which point one came forward and told me his name started
with the letter 'P'. I began to think of Random names, Peter, PaulI had no reaction until I said
Peth where the being glowed in agreement, and then I whispered 'Petheros' at which point
he fizzed and sparked with joy. Petheros it was.
I asked the second Being his name, where he gave me the letter 'D', again I went through
common names, Dave, Dan, Derek... until I said Dante at which he glowed, and then I said
Diante at which he fizzed with joy. But then his colour started to mute and he began to look
sad. I asked him why he was sad, and he said he preferred the name 'Petheros'. At which point
Petheros began to tease Diante about his name and how he had a better one. I told Diante
that his name was an awesome one at that and that I loved it, and at that point I had totally
forgotten the first Beings name!
Diante's face turned to laughter, at which he began teasing Petheros on forgetting his name. I
was laughing too, I liked the fact that they had a bit of sibling rivalry, as it reminded me of the
relationship me and my brother had as kids. Anyways, I said my goodbyes and then (as if he
were listening) Keith chimed his singing bowl and the ceremony was over. Wow I thought.
From that moment on, all I could think was that it was a 'Beautiful Battle'. I was shown how
kind and patient Mother A can be.
A problem with my knee had seemed to have vanished. I was confronted with my own ego,
and with the help of Mother A we managed to wrestle it to the size of a small yappy dog with
a coat that made him look bigger than he was.
I was physically rebuilt from the ground up.
My heart was massaged back to a healthy loving state and I was presented with a future
journey in the form a white lotus shaped vessel and a swirling galaxy.
What more can I say. It has changed my life. I feel so alive.

Stephen
This is only the beginning.
On the Friday evening, my first dose was the yellow mimosa, nothing significant happened
apart from the colour green appearing every time I closed my eyes. No images, just a green
haze like vision. I guessed that this was mother A just saying hello and letting me know she is
now inside preparing me for the next stage.

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Throughout the following day all I could see when I closed my eyes was an earthy, leaf green
colour. It wasnt distracting, just very interesting and calming actually. Still, no images, patterns
or structures to the vision.
Saturday night I chose to drink Yellow Chacruna. I remember this tasting a lot worse than the
previous nights dose. It was difficult to keep it down. Again, nothing really happened until an
hour into the ceremony when I suddenly got the urge to purge. I calmly put my jacket on, shoes
on and walked outside to the purging area. I purged about 3 times and it was fairly easy
(compared to a hangover purge!). As I had my jacket and shoes on, I thought I would visit few
other people who had set up a campfire next to the large yurt. As I approached, I remember
seeing Michael (with his guitar), Ethan, Leon, Stephen and Mark. I grabbed a log to sit on and
placed it between Ethan (on my right) and Mark. As soon as I sat down and Michael started to
play, something started to happen to me, it was like the music coming from Michael was an
Icaro and it was beautiful and clear, almost like I was listening to it in surround sound. I tried
looking at the fire but it started to hurt my eyes a little, not from the smoke or heat, but from
the light it was giving off, even when I closed my eyes. So the only think I could do was to put
my hands over my eyes for more protection. As soon as I did this, I felt a huge wave of emotion
sweeping over my body and a fluorescent purple mist into my vision, followed by an emotion
I can only explain as ultimate/profound sadness. I instantly burst into tears and couldnt stop.
Stella turned up at the campfire and whispered in my ear, Are you ok? All I could reply was,
Im so sad, the sadness. I didnt know why mother A was showing me this, but it felt familiar,
but far more powerful than I had ever experienced. Is this a test? I started to ask, but I got
no reply. The sadness became more and more intense until I felt I couldnt take anymore. I was
almost ready to scream out please stop!! when out of nowhere the green I had been seeing
the previous evening and throughout the day floated into my vision and surrounded the
purple, then began to mix with it, not to make another colour, but to work with it, side by side.
As soon as this happened, the sadness lifted and was replaced by the most amazing feeling of
happiness, love, contentment and warmth I have ever experienced in my life. Of course, I start
to cry even more. Ethan began to stroke my arm which was very soothing. I heard Stella
whisper again into my ear, Stephen, Are you ok? This time, raising my head from my hands,
I looked at her and said, Im so happy. I remember seeing a puzzled look on her face as Id
only told her a few minutes ago I was so sad! I returned to my original posture and continued
to sob. Stella then started massaging my back, it felt amazing. Her hands were pressing down,
I didnt have any strength to push back so it felt like I was almost folded double, but it felt so
good, the warmth and the pressure. My crying subsided and all I could think about was this
warmth on my back, like someone had thrown a hot blanket over my back and hugging me
while I was doubled over. Then the following words came into my head, This is only the
beginning. This words repeated to me until I sat and opened my eyes. I raised my head, lifted
my shoulders and turned to Stella to say Id had enough of the message, but she wasnt there.
I looked around and saw her a few feet away talking to someone else. Not sure how long she
had been there, but I didnt bother to ask, I just walked over and thanked her for the massage.

A few people ask me what I experienced, then my brother appeared and apologised for not
being with me. I replied, not at all brother, it was something that was needed to be done on
my own, and Mother A picked the perfect time and place.
We hugged then I decided to head back to the octagon as I was beginning to feel the cold. As
I walked away from the fire and towards the octagon, I began to get little flashes of fluorescent
green and purple. I stopped and closed my eyes. Suddenly the green and purple mist started
to take on specific shapes. I saw structures of some kind, couldnt really make them out but
they werent just random patterns. I opened my eyes and continued walking towards the
octagon, when I felt the urge to purge again. As I stood there contemplating if I had anything
else left to throw up, I closed my eyes and stood in front of me was a tree trunk, outlined by
the same colours, but instead of branches, it had hands running up either side of the trunk. I
opened my eyes and it was gone, I closed my eyes again and it was there. I was amazed, baffled
and so excited at what I was seeing. I looked up to see what the image would do. I expected it
would just follow my field of vision, like a still image in your mind, but it didnt. I looked into
the sky and saw this beautiful tree like structure tower into the cosmos. I look down and saw
it rooted to the ground. I looked up again, then down, then up, I couldnt believe my eyes, but
then I thought Im not using my eyes! So is this my imagination? No, how can my imagination
make up something like this while Im awake? Sure, Ive taken other hallucinogenic substances
in my youth but never experienced something quite organic like this with my eyes closed. I
didnt purge and began to get very cold so I made my way back into the octagon, sat down and
made myself comfortable. I closed my eyes again but the images this time were extremely
faint. I soon realised there was too much light in the octagon, from the log burner and the
numerous candles scattered around. I put my hands over my eyes and there they were, the
beautiful images appeared, but different this time. I was look towards a forest of some sort
with many different plant life, but not from this world. There were many plants with leaves,
stems, flowers branches and other strange but beautiful looking trees, outlined by the
fluorescent purple and green aura. I started to move my head again, but this time I moved left
to right and sure enough everything moved with perfect synchronisation in this world, but I
realised I was only an observer, I wasnt inside the forest. It was like I was stood at a beach
with the sea behind me, looking towards a jungle, contemplating whether to enter the
unknown. I was happy to be an observer for the time being. But I do wish I had turned my head
around facing the opposite way to see if I could see the tree of hands outside the octagon. I
decided to head outside again and sure enough the tree was there. Im not sure how many
times I went outside but I could tell Mother A wasnt too happy with me, I wasnt concentrating
enough and she began to get a little frustrated with me.
Keith then announced the second dose. I decided to go for the red mimosa as I thought red
represented healing and I really needed to be healed this weekend. But nothing happened, I
purged around 30 minutes after the second dose. I came back in and closed my eyes, nothing
happened. The world Id been observing was gone. I waited patiently hoping the visions would
come back, but I got the impression mother A had given up on me for the night due to my lack
of attention. I accepted the consequences and declined the third dose, hoping to go to bed

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sooner than later. Eventually Keith closed the ceremony, but he did not look happy. I knew he
felt there was too much disruption in the room and I wanted to apologise, but decided just to
leave it and head to bed along with Mike and Ethan. That night I slept really well.
The next day was all about relaxation, and thats mostly what we all did. I did nothing in the
morning and went for a leisurely stroll to pick plants/flowers for my pasanga. I enjoyed a head
and back massage from Stella, followed by a session of EFT, and the experience set me up for
what was to be the most powerful and amazing evening of self-discovery. Stella, you are
wonderful! An angel.
The ceremony began around 9.30, but the dynamics of the group had changed. Several people
had left on their own accord and Steve, Mike and Leon (whom I became close to all) had to
leave that afternoon due to other commitments. I didnt know what to expect this evening but
knew it was going to be completely different to the previous days wed all experienced. After
the initiation ceremony, Keith offered the first dose to anyone who was ready. My heart began
to pound like I was just about to be interviewed for a job. Usually I would wait until at least
half the people in the room had imbibed before I plucked up the courage to ask for my dose.
This time my sub consciousness literally threw me off the couch, it sort of shocked me. I felt
ready for this evening but never dreamed of going first, I wanted to see what everyone else as
drinking first. Id had the colour yellow in my head from Friday and drank both yellow chacruna
and mimosa the previous evening. But what I had in my head most of the day was the cielo(?)
mimosa, and thats what I chose. Keith poured the measure out into the metal goblet and said,
I offer you cielo mimosa with love. I gulped it down in one expecting it to be even worse than
yesterday, but it was surprisingly mild. I sat down (I had a couch to myself this time) and waited
for the rest to drink. Many people also drank the same, but Keith offered the rest as I offer
you cielo Ayahuasca with love, irrelevant of whether it was chacruna or mimosa. Why didnt
he say Ayahuasca with me? I thought. Has he given me a different dosage? My rational
mind!!!! I said to myself and kicked it into touch. Within 5 minutes I felt queasy, I thought to
myself Im going to throw up before everyone has finished being dosed! I started deep
breathing and that seemed to work. My hands and face became clammy and I started sweating
a lot. I had the strong urge to lie down, but Id read in many books on the subject that its a
bad idea to lie down as it may make you feel sick again or you are not in the correct posture to
let the oxygen circulate around your body fully. After having another little battle with my
rational mind, I won again and took Mother As word for it and lay down. I started to move
around a lot, I couldnt get comfy. The only position I had hadnt tried was lying on my back,
but I hated lying on my back. I always felt exposed and often had nightmares when lying on my
back. But the urge got stronger and stronger until I surrendered and thought what the hell, I
laid on my back, closed my eyes and massaged my head with one hand.
What happened next was quite surreal because even though I was awake I could feel my
consciousness drifting off to sleep. I thought to myself Im not tired, Ive been resting all day!
But then I was told to let my consciousness drift away, so I did. My body felt wide awake but

my head was going into a dream state. I started to see the same images I saw the previous
night, fluorescent purple and green organic structures, trees, flowers and for the first time
canopies. I was being led under a roof of only what I can describe multi-coloured umbrella type
structures, Im sure they were alive and pulsating, but the colours werent vivid, just very
gentle on the eye. I felt someone or something embrace me on either side of my body, just
enough so I felt comfortable and assured. The most direct words then came into my head, are
you ready to go through? With that, a portal opened, or it may have already been there but I
didnt notice at first. I could see a completely different world, a darker world full of brown and
reds and yellows, like it could have been cave system with underground volcanic lava flowing.
I didnt feel afraid because Mother A had hold of me, I felt safe. I glided through to the portal,
all became dark, apart from the light from the lava, it was very pretty. I didnt stay in there long
because to be honest there was nothing much to look at. I saw a door made of rock in front of
me and I asked, can I go in there? Without warning I was fast tracked to the door. I still have
to say I felt completely awake and was aware of my body lying on the couch, my hand
massaging my head, so my ego was telling me, you are letting your imagination run wild,
which Id often done before and gone to strange places! So I thought lets go with the flow and
keep going as I was enjoying this (and it kept my mind off feeling sick!). The door opened and
inside was a white sphered room. Within this room there were no prominent corners, but it
had shape and angles to it. Below me I saw clunky machines, all white with many different
coloured buttons, lighting up and flickering, being switched on and off in particular sequences
by these beings also dressed in white. I soon had the word Engineers come into my head,
although they could have been programmers or even doctors. I said hello to them and they
turned to me with a very excited smile, but then nodded to their control panels while looking
at me to say, Really lovely to meet you and we are so glad youve come, but weve got a lot
of work to do in order to heal you, so Im just gonna get back to it while you enjoy yourself. I
got that all from a nod of the head from one of the beings. I totally understood and thanked
them for giving me the opportunity to meet them and I felt very honoured to be there. My ego
kicked in again and I thought, this is amazing, dreaming while Im awake!
Towards the end of the white door was a big round wooden door. I heard the voice, Well, this
is it, this is the door youve been waiting for. Are you ready? I looked at her and replied, Yes,
do whatever you need to fix me, I surrender completely to you. She smiled at me and the
door opened. The next thing I remember I was floating on my back like I was on an operating
table of some sort, looking up to the ceiling, but it was no ceiling I had ever seen before,
everything was alive with the brightest of colours, the umbrellas of light were pulsating all
around me, along with structures that reminded me between a cathedral and a helter-skelter.
It was very strange but so beautiful. There were multi-coloured serpent like beings slowly
moving in and out of the structures, having a quick look at me, smiling, then going back into
the ceiling. I took a long time staring at the wonders above me, in absolute awe. I saw flicks of
light which I thought were the spirits of other beings, small ships or vessels that carried these
entities, everything had a purpose and was so busy doing their own thing. Everything was
completely alive and I, also felt completely alive and wonderful. Then I heard the words Id

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been dreading all along this journey, now open your eyes. I instantly replied no. The reason
being due to the previous nights visions that disappeared once I opened my eyes. What I was
feeling felt so real, I didnt want to ruin the moment, why should I ruin this moment? I said
to myself. The voice came back and said you need to open your eyes, we cannot do this with
your eyes closed, trust us. Thats when I suddenly thought Im going to be operated on! I
began to panic a little and some of the serpents began to change, their faces became red in
colour and angry looking, I saw teeth and they want to grab at me but they couldnt get close
enough. As they came towards me, I just looked away like I wasnt bothered and they
disappeared back into the ceiling structure, being replaced by the smiling serpents. I heard the
voice again Open your eyes. This time I thought, What the hell, Ive had an amazing dream,
Im happy to wake up and have my second dose, so I accepted and opened my eyes. What I
saw was something beyond my wildest dreams. It was the same as what I saw with my eyes
closed but so much more clear, bright and beautiful! How could that be? I thought. And with
that, it what felt like my chest being opened and a thousand tiny snakes being placed around
my heart and chest.
The feeling was so intense, I started to moan as the pressure increased. The voice said, Are
you ok? I said Yes, please continue and do whatever you need to do. With that the snakes
got to work on my heart, re-structuring my muscle tissue, re-ordered my cells, massaging my
heart muscles. It was so intense but not painful, this went on for a what seemed a long time,
up to my chest, then back to my heart. All I could do was to wave my forearms and hands
helplessly as the rest of my body was paralysed. As soon as they finished I heard them say to
me thank you. And with that Keith chimed his singing bowl 3 times. I thought how the hell
did he know my operation was complete? I accepted that he just did and smiled at him. Bar
is now opened said Keith. My first thoughts were how long have I been in this state? One
hour? 3 hours? I hadnt a clue. It felt like a very long time but cant have been from the dosage
intervals the previous evening. I thought maybe an hour had passed since I imbibed, but I was
in no state to get up and look at a clock. My visions were as strong as ever so having a second
dose didnt even cross my mind. I went back to marvelling the wonders of a 4th dimension,
sighing contentedly with every breath. My chest and heart were aching, not hurting, but the
feeling was like Id had an internal operation and just been put back together. The anaesthetic
was still in full swing though and as I went to close my eyes, I heard the voice say we are not
finished yet, you need to go outside. I thought to myself Im so comfortable I dont really
want to move. The voice replied stand up, so I stood up. Get your jacket on she said. So I
did. And now your other jacket, its cold outside. Leave your torch, you dont need it. I took
the torch out of my fleece pocket and put the fleece on. I also put my hat and shoes on as
instructed and opened the glass door of the Octagon. I stepped out into the dark clear night
and said out loud OHMYGOD. Straight away I was disciplined by Mother A as she does
not like cursing. I apologised profusely until she smiled again.

The surroundings were extremely calm, there was the faintest wind blowing through the trees
and almost a cloudless night above. The trees had the most amazing aura, like they were alive
and communicating with me, the feeling of love was so overpowering I burst into tears. I cursed
a few more times by mistake and instantly got a slap on the wrist. I said to her I understand,
I love you so much, thank you for showing me this, I am eternally grateful. She didnt say a
word, she didnt need to. She could feel my love, adoration for her which just made he smile.
I walked around, studying sections of trees in great detail and marvelling at the wonders what
Mother A was showing me. I placed my forehead on a tree trunk and whispered to her I thank
you forever. Are you ready for your next heal suddenly popped into my head, I looked up
baffled then realised what her intention was. My stomach and guts suddenly started to hurt, I
bent over and groaned. It was my darkness Ive been carrying around for so long, the negative
energy Id been storing up for years but didnt know how to get rid of it. It wasnt just my own,
it was other peoples too. People who would confide in me, tell me their problems. I would
absorb this energy, give them my positive energy without me even realising and they would
walk away feeling better while I would feel drained, agitated and exhausted. This is what I
needed to get rid of, and it wasnt going to be an easy ride as it was extremely deep inside of
me and didnt want to come out. I walked around still taking in all the wondrous sights I could
lay my eyes upon, but the pain in my stomach grew with every step. I started to burp, but
nothing happened, I didnt feel sick at all, but I just wanted the pain to go away. I tried putting
my fingers down my throat but still nothing happened. I told her it wouldnt come out, so she
asked if she could try something, I said yes. I suddenly found myself bent over with my mouth
widening. It got wider and wider and I had no control over it, but nothing was coming out. It
got to the point where it was becoming really painful so I told her, she apologised and released
my jaw. You need to go back inside, she said. We need to work on you a little more. So I
did. I laid down on the couch and let her and the snakes to their work. The next thing I
remember is being outside again, the pain now unbearable, I was shouting to myself, I need
to get this pain out now. Are you ready to release? she asked. Yes, yes, yes! I cried. I felt
the darkness creeping up from my guts, into my stomach, then up into my oesophagus, then
it suddenly pulled back, crawling back into my stomach. I cursed and apologised straight away.
We tried again, this time we had a hold of it and I definitely wasnt going to let go. I began to
smell what laid deep inside of me and it wasnt pleasant. I purged like Id never purged before,
it was so painful, but I just wanted this bad crap out of me. What came out was black thick
sludge and it was putrid, it smelt and tasted evil. I purged again, and again, 4 times in total.
The pain in my guts disappeared. From that moment onwards, I was a changed man. I looked
into the night sky and thanked Mother A with all my heart, tears of joy in my eyes. It felt like
years of negative energy Id built up inside (and never knew how to get rid of) had just been
washed away. I walked around the octagon absorbing all the love, happiness, contentment I
was feeling. I was hugging and praising myself that I had finally managed to remove this
darkness I carried for so long. After some time I returned to the octagon to find my brother sat
in my original place. He didnt seem comfortable so I sat next to him and asked how are you
feeling? Im ok, I guess he replied in a half-hearted way. I knew he was struggling a little and

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didnt want to tell him how wonderful I felt as I thought it would lower his spirit even more. So
I wrapped my arms around him and told Mother A I wanted my brother to be fixed and feel
how I was feeling. A moment later I could feel my energy being transferred to him, I massaged
the back of his head and he relaxed. I said to him just let everything go, thats the only way
you can walk through that last door. He smiled and sat back.
I left him to it as I wanted to go back outside and marvel at the spectacular sights Mother A
had shown me. I saw Keith sat in front of the chimney and instantly walked up and hugged
him. Thank you so much Keith for giving me the opportunity to see this. He chuckled and
hugged me back, and thats all I needed from him. I walked around the retreat again, hands
over my mouth in awe and amazement of the beauty I was witnessing, constantly thanking
everyone and everything I could think of. I returned to the fire and sat down next to Mark. I
asked him how he was. Nothing much he replied. My feet feel a little heavy, like they have
been fused to the ground, but thats about it. I looked at the floor and saw a thousand baby
snakes at our feet. Thats a real shame I said, trying to hide the overwhelming excited
expression on my face while watching the snakes slither around his boots and all across the
gravel. I was gutted because I wished Mark could see and experience what I was seeing and
feeling, but at the same I couldnt really believe my own eyes! I realised these were the snakes
that must have healed my heart and chest. I started to thank them under my breath, they
turned and looked at me, then returned to what they were doing (which I think they were
having a well-deserved break after working on me!). The door of the octagon opened and out
stumbled my brother. He went over to purging area. I carried on chatting with Mark about the
evening and how tranquil it was. Mike suddenly purged a couple of times then slowly lifted his
head and arms while still bent over. With ever so slight moves, he stretched his arms out wide
and slowly stood up, it was like someone had taken over his body. He stayed in this position of
what felt like an eternity. I thought of going over to help him, but instantly got the message
Hes ok, hes being fixed. I repeated it to Mark and we both laughed. Eventually Mike
returned from where hed been, walked over to us and said Im there bro, Ive just been
worked on! We all chuckled and I gave him a big hug. We returned to the octagon just in time
for last orders. I didnt have any, I felt I didnt want to be greedy as the only dose I had was
more than enough to sort me out. The remainder of the evening was spent relaxing in the
octagon, trying to piece together the events that had changed my life forever. I dont really
remember the effects of the brew subsiding as the evening came to a close, I think I was so
overwhelmed with the whole experience I actually thought I was at home, because it actually
felt like home, with family around me.
I drove back to Grantham with Mike the following day, discussing the previous nights events.
There was laughter and more tears (of joy and empathy) for the whole journey. My rational
mind then kicked in and started to calculate my experience. At first I wanted it to go away, but
I hesitated and let it do what it was trying to tell me. It said to me, "There are probably 7 billion
people living on this planet, and throughout its history of mankind, only a select few have

experienced Ayahuasca. Therefore our retreat was a one in a million opportunity, a one in a
million life changing experience.
I thought, Wow, thats PRICELESS. And it truly was.
Michael

May 1st 2013.

My weekend retreat with you all is now firmly engraved into my portable hard drive (my head)
as a loving, beautiful and insightful time. It had elements of many other experiences I have
received from the universe in my past, which are also special, but all rolled into one fast track
weekend. I think our guide was very intuitive with the whole process and no doubt he was
simply following what was being shown to him by mother A.
I have a particularly strong memory of walking through the valley of xxxxxx and my connection
with the trees the moss covered ones. Trees and plants have been in my life for such a very
long time but they have been a part of my work which in turn is associated with money and
the stresses of running a large business. I left that behind me two years ago so it is a double
pleasure to now have reconnected with plants on a spiritual level without any commercial
strings attached. This is a great relief as I can use my knowledge of plants for the sake of both
the plants and my benefit. I have decided to I will re visit xxxxxxx one day.
As you know, I did not have a particularly initial strong reaction to the medicine during the
weekend apart from some lovely colours entering my consciousness but I was not completely
disappointed as I had such a lovely healing time anyway with everyone being so open, great
food, fires and guitars what is there not to like. However, I started to judge myself with
questions like Is my ego so big that it is stopping the healing? And if it is so big then this is so
disappointing as I have been working on myself for so many years I couldnt help but think
about the reactions I had seen from Penny, Eric, Mike, Steve, Tom, Damon etc. and I started to
try and think of reasons why it had not happened to me. Have I taken too many psychedelics
before? Am I too full of bullshit? Maybe it was because I was playing guitar and therefore
couldnt concentrate on healing?..... and so the washing machine mind keeps churning out all
the talk, conjecture and psychobabble. Brain farts.
The drive home was great because when we stopped at a service station full of magazines,
packaging, shop signs and consumerism I recognised that feeling of culture shock that I have
had before after a years of living in India/Asia but after only 3 days in xxxxxxx?!?!? This is fast
work indeed.
It was approx. 7pm on Sunday night and I was finishing cooking for my family when I was hit
with a feeling of otherness as if I had slipped into a dual reality whereby I had to function
with getting the meal on the table for the children (who were asking me 100 questions) and
not look as if I had gone completely mad. I managed to escape to the peace of my study and

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lie down on a sofa with closed eyes. There was a lot of green around and I was looking down
at my body from the high corner of the room but simultaneously present in my conscious mind
and capable of thought. I found myself asking Mother A a question without any sense of the
ridiculous, with total trust. I say this because it is not every day that you ask a question of a
presence that you cant see without any doubt in your mind, but I can now see that my ego
had been bypassed. My question came to me: Mother A, what am I going to do? Both with
the rest of my earth bound life and with the choices I am currently faced with? The answer
came straight away: Dont hide. And that was it two words and nothing else. This is for me,
this is my healing and it makes so much sense for me as I have been hiding in one form or
another since I was 6 years old since being sent to school. Up until the age of 5, I was
completely happy in my parents house and spent a lot of time outside in the garden playing
with ants, digging holes and lying in the grass looking at the sky. I have a very strong memory
of looking at the sky and thinking that it wouldnt really matter if nothing existed at all; if there
were no sky, clouds, planet, sun then there would be this great black void of peace and it would
all be fine. There was no dark or horrific side to this thought in fact quite the opposite. If
nothing existed then everything would be ok. When I was sent to school I could not understand
why there were so many rules and right ways to behave and I guess that I have felt like that
about society ever since. The older I get and the more I learn, the more absurd modern day
western society seems to me. People are more stressed now than ever because they are trying
to desperately fit into a system that makes no sense.
The next moment I felt things falling into my body. I cant really explain what this was like in
words but if you can imagine shards of glass falling from the sky into a sky scraper that is
nearing its construction completion and there are bits missing from the windows and the outer
layer of the building. The final pieces or broken parts of the building are made smooth by the
falling shards of glass the final pieces of a jigsaw puzzle dropping from the cosmos. All of this
happening on a river green hue background.
The days that have followed have continued the process of by passing the ego. When my wife
is unhappy and berating the children over something that I would completely overlook it no
longer upsets me as it is her doing what she thinks is best. I am me and she is herself. I am not
going to hide in any shape or form for as long as I can keep up the practise. I am going to speak
my mind and if asked a question I shall give my opinion without fear that I wont get approval
from the other person. Hiding takes many many forms and can lead to mental illness because
you no longer know who you are. Stand tall and be who you are.
I now realise that the rest of my life is a spiritual journey and a process of discovery but it
doesnt feel like a chore or work. If it feels like work then you need to re check you balance. If
you landed on a beautiful Island you wouldnt mind looking further inland to discover how
much more beautiful it is going to become. The teaching is in letting the knowledge and love
unravel before your eyes. In learning how to be happy and balanced in your own personal

space, mind and body without the need to tell anyone about it. This is hard, but once you have
had a taste of its simplicity it becomes easier. Mother A has shown me this taste.
It has taken me a hell of a journey to get to the point whereby I realise that path is never
ending, but now it is time to cruise without stopping because we dont need rest anymore!
Love love Love Michael.
Ethan

An Ayahuasca journey to the face of god

amor lleno de luz
Once upon a time, there lived six blind men in a village. One day the villagers told them, "Hey,
there is an elephant in the village today."
They had no idea what an elephant is. They decided, "Even though we would not be able to
see it, let us go and feel it anyway." All of them went where the elephant was. Every one of
them touched the elephant.
"Hey, the elephant is a pillar," said the first man who touched his leg.
"Oh, no! It is like a rope," said the second man who touched the tail.
"Oh, no! It is like a thick branch of a tree," said the third man who touched the trunk of the
elephant.
"It is like a big hand fan" said the fourth man who touched the ear of the elephant.
"It is like a huge wall" said the fifth man who touched the belly of the elephant.
"It is like a solid pipe" said the sixth man who touched the tusk of the elephant.
They began to argue about the elephant and every one of them insisted that he was right. It
looked like they were getting agitated. A wise man was passing by and he saw this. He stopped
and asked them, "What is the matter?" They said, "We cannot agree to what the elephant is
like." Each one of them told what he thought the elephant was like. The wise man calmly
explained to them, "All of you are right. The reason every one of you is telling it differently
because each one of you touched the different part of the elephant. So, actually the elephant
has all those features what you all said."
"Oh!" everyone said. There was no more fight. They felt happy that they were all right.
Meeting the grandmother.
The journey on the train was the last memory I have of the sheer hell of being alive, while being
terrified of dying.

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Torn to pieces by guilt, shame and the crippling baggage of pain I had carried for so long and I
knew, I know that now.
Fast forward I pulled up at the retreat in Stella's car and another gentleman I presumed was
her husband.
I was scared to death already by the years of waiting for this, all the negative programming I'd
filled myself with, watching and reading everything about death, the afterlife, then finally DMT
and now I was thrown in amongst strange new faces- I believe it was fifteen!
We got out started unpacking and I glanced at Keith and straight away gave him a hug, at least
I'd seen his face on YouTube so felt a bit more relieved.
He was very warm and completely still inside, he was a shaman he was going to make
everything better.
Keith and the grandmother was my last hope before I'd lost myself to the ever growing abyss
that surrounded me, there was so, complete faith that came with this.
The first night was detox dose of medicine (I won't go into what was said in order to shorten
the story so...). And everyone was afraid and everyone knew it.
We drank then shortly headed bed.
Before so I went for a cigarette relieved nothing was going to happen and felt a warm glow of
peace that I put down to that.
I went to bed and dreamt the following: I needed to go to the toilet it was dark and cold I got
up and was instantly there but I was naked!
The thing is I didn't feel shame.
I then noticed that the whole group was there smiling as I was about to shit! So I did.
Then I felt Like all of life is a natural process they had helped me overcome that, this in turn
caused me to be at peace with the group and feel part of them. Awoke and shared.
Next night.
This was the real test now it would be three strong doses and there was a choice, I will list
those later.
So first dose we took from the shaman with the offering of love and we accepted.
I started to relax then began the visions.
First the fire in the room started whispering to me as I had my eyes closed and started see
small flashes of light leap at me. I thought I was to crawl in, Stella sensed something and was
always there.
First vision was of a wonderful woodland, like the amazon with no canopy, a mixture of all
natures scenery, it looked like the Garden of Eden!

I could look around it with my eyes closed, when I opened I felt sick and confused the room
was shockingly unchanged.
So... I looked around the garden shall we say and the plants all moved! They moved like a
speeded up video of their growth cycle which it never completed but never got bigger than
two foot! There was some plants which looked like butter cups they had an eye and seemed
to blink! And others with an eye but very view. The others constantly wriggled and open and
closed and the sound like mud being stirred while wet is the only thing I could think of!
So I looked at the mud and it was raining on it, there tiny puddles being swallowed up by the
mud for the plants.
Then I saw this huge tree which upon looking at it was face to face with me.
There were no leaves but instead hands single hands not pair doing a fist then spreading out
in a giving gesture and I was realising all life is truly conscious and connected that all is alive.
Then appeared Leon, I got really scared then! I knew somehow he was going to show me what
I need to see and it would be painful.
Every memory stored by my brain were being pulled out as still images and being thrown in
the fire by Leon! He went through my mind so fast and pulled them out that I had no time to
react, when I realised what he was doing I started to panic as I felt all my mind was going to be
burned in the fire I started saying but what about God? The kind of questions that rule us and
he said
"What, nah man, you don't need that shit, throw it in the fire!"
I was grabbing at images of Krishna and all else trying to hide it, but the earth swallowed them
"No!"
Then bang I was straight back in the octagon layered with a matrix grid and where Keith sat
there was the infinite talking heads! Keith was one of them!
They weren't talking but like a strange smoke liquid which was like light and breathing things
into existence.
As soon as I had thought that I pulled me away from Keith into a neon light pastel coloured
tube which was like a brain scan machine made of faces! Of light!
Blowing light into me and I kept crawling back over to see what was happening at Keith, again
with my eyes closed!
But it kept placing me back there and said he has always been here.
What? I thought, then back to the garden again.
I thought of me and Debs, I couldn't think of Maya or even pull up an image, what was
happening?
Debs was reduced to a skeleton and I was placed facing her just bones also, the skeletons
holding hands to show how stupid it is to hold onto to someone, even love!

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Keith then appeared with spinning pscilocybe network which lit up yellow and threw it at me!
Then it was all buried.
I took a third dose and then it was time for bed, I was sick but very little and the last thing was
simply the message tomorrow everything will be taken.
I acted happy but was scared.
Now though I was really intrigued also!
We awoke and shared.
While helping with breakfast I started feeling like I was burning up, worse like my body was in
trouble and I may die! I honestly sat there and felt like something bad was going to happen
and knowing my luck I'd be dying!
I took as seat and it soon passed the day progressed I picked plants, smoked talked and wanted
my bed.
I went to the yurt and lay down and felt sheer terror grip and then when I closed my eyes and
was surrounded by millions of spirits peeking at me whispering fears and I gave up and said
fine I sacrifice myself to the grandmother and love you.
The insanely loud buzzing, whining sound, deafening, and it brought fear!
I paused then said I don't care what happens to me or if I disappear I surrender the whining
increased in volume louder and louder and got more and more comfortable.
Tunnels like worm holes appeared and went in through my eyes, ears nose and mouth at an
extreme speed, I panicked as I felt like even though it was comforting I'd lose myself
completely.
At that time Damon walked in and so did my ego!
I told Damon thank goodness I'm hallucinating! I got up and went into the octagon and saw
Stella.
When I began to talk my voice was rushed and all over the place to lay I didn't recognise it
Stella began her work.
She went deep into things with me and I started to feel like me for about five minutes before
things became strange again.
I started remembering her not from this life but the many times I repeated this very life and
everything was flooding back, my ego said but...
Then it was outside of me and I said I remember now! I remembered home, the white light
surrounded by love how it had broken down and thrown itself into a dream.
By the time we all reach the spit iris body and stood round the earth ready to jump in we knew
again we would forget as we had already forgotten how we got there, so we scattered clues
through the oceans of time to remember.

Religion, science, nature every waking thing and every thought a clue.
When we arrived here the ego was placed outside us as an invite revolving wheel of choice
and when we let one thought in the choice had been made and we would travel or it would
travel through us until we were at that place and rest would evolve.
Everyone has the outside interference to keep the dream going and when we interact we also
interact with others revolving wheel of choice and can both awaken or prevent each other
from awakening.
All things are truth all things are lies in a dream all things are real all things are one.
In the words of the Buddha.
Reality is. Reality is not. Reality neither is nor is not. Reality is both.
I said to Stella I have awoken and the ego gasped and fled- I felt peace.
She had helped me out of the darkness and showed me love so I could shrug off the human
condition.
That night I took the last dose even though I felt I learned enough there was more she said.
I saw everything, people being healed the snakes, robotic creatures and then finally the gods
all dancing and saying you could be this, I said I am we are all one I remember now and see you
for what you are, the dream is over I love you.
The world has changed now.
The train journey back and the following days I had the choice go to the light and give up the
dream which involves my family realise all is one or choose to stay. I understand all is not
separate now and still being taught the rules of here, I chose to wait to awaken my family, and
others who choose, as we cannot interfere with someone else's journey.
We are all perfect beings of light, sparks from the source, we are beautiful, the
grandmothers words were simple.
It was always you, we alone hold the power over our own fates, we are all one all things in the
very real dream of the eternal giving light, surrounded by love.
She visits in dreams, the source and works with me every night.
I have a long journey left though I'm free from the past now, there is more but I feel for now
the main points are above, good luck to all on their own special journey toward the light.
Siempre eternal
Ethan

Ive just highlighted one of the last sentences from my close friend there at the end
because it encapsulates everything for me and as is mentioned in the quote itself, it
does so simply, and that is always best. . .

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I am of limited personal experience as indicated, though I intend to head out to Peru

shortly if at all possible to see what I shall see. However during my research into
Ayahuasca I happened upon a wonderful little speech made by an American shaman
working out in the Amazon which I would like to end this little chapter with as fits in with
my belief that its best to listen to people with experience and wisdom. Im not saying I
could do what Hamilton does, but it is something I want to find out about when I go. I
want to help people who were in my boat, and this seems the next best way to do it
after this book is out. See, there is a logical part of me in there somewhere.

Ayahuasca ceremonies have everything that life has in it, and it lets you see it really
for what it is; it lets you move into the essence. It lets you move into the truth behind
your experience. It lets you find yourself; it lets you answer the question who am I
really? Not my mind, not my body, not my heart: who am I? Not my thoughts, not my
thinking, not my feeling; who am I? If we answered that question, if we collectively
answered that question the world would not look the way the world looks today. We
wouldnt have the values that we have. We wouldnt hurt each other. We wouldnt harm
each other. If we could teach our children that level of love that we can learn from
theses shamanic practices the world would evolve and the world would change. We
would evolve and the world would change. Wed be able to see that were not separate.
Wed be able to see that were not alone. Wed be able to see that were actually here
to be able to help and support each other, love each other and be compassionate with
each other. These ceremonies can be a tremendous gift. What you give to yourself in
that moment the Ayahuasca matches, the spirits match, the medicine matches. They
show you and they teach you and they train you how to love yourself, how to love
others, how to be nice, how to be compassionate, how to share, how to be generous.
Its a tremendous gift. Hamilton Souther.
There are plenty of documentaries on the net, or articles or other books about
Ayahuasca should you wish to further research this wonderful medicine. MAPS and
Reset-me are good websites for information regarding a range of psychedelic usage
for medicinal purposes. Theres no need to take a maniac misfits opinion all by itself.

Chapter Eleven: Conclusion(s)

The Edge there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really
know where it is are the ones who have gone over. The others the living are those
who pushed their control as far as they felt they could handle it, and then pulled back,
or slowed down, or did whatever they had to when it came time to choose between now
and Later. Hunter S. Thompson.
I cant remember where I read it now but someone said the best teacher is one that just
points in the right direction and that is all I have tried to do as its as sound a piece of
logic as youll ever find. I tried to trim certain earlier matters accordingly because doing
your own research is so much more important. I felt it necessary to include some things
though to better illustrate why they make drugs illegal. They want you dumbed dumb
and obedient, not rebellious and inquisitive and its as simple as that. Psychedelics
teach you stuff, a lot of which they know about, and have kept hidden from you. Huge
nutshell obviously but Ive already discussed it so dont want to flog that horse any
more.
In the last couple of years since I started writing this I have furthered explored
psychedelics and one particular mushroom trip re-affirmed my beliefs that we do indeed
create our universe and thoughts make things. Some of this psychedelic exploration
went on in Ozora of course when I trooped across Europe to go to my first ever festival.
Having never gone to a festival before due to anxiety issues I think this is some
testament to the healing in itself. Im not going to go into too many details about the
week though it does get mentioned in a recording, but it reminds me of a quote that
links with dreams and visions. Before I went I must have watched all the available
videos of prior years festivals three or four times each at least. One years video starts
with the local farmer who owns the land talking about how it all got started.
"I was talking to a boy from Israel about my dream to make a festival one day. -Once
you have a vision one day it will become a reality- he said."
The dream that came as a result of my vision was to write this book and try and help
the world- both people and the planet as were one. The farmers vision became a
reality; he hosts an amazing festival that lights up the world for a week once a year. It
was amorsmome; thats all you need to know really. . . Actually I think I need a new
word for Ozora because as good as amorsome is it may not do it full justice: Ozora is
not filled with some love but oodles and oodles of it. If my dream becomes a reality like
the farmers, then the world will benefit. I promise you. Whether thats in helping others
who have been in my shoes or aiding me on a quest to become a healer personally, or
in helping the world wake up, or just by spreading a few laughs and smiles as we all
need them I know not. I know Im going to follow my dream anyway. Unless Im killed,
incarcerated or otherwise prevented from leaving the country anyway
People have looked at me like Im a little bit mad when I told them I havent been
applying for jobs but concentrating on getting this into shape. Its taken me longer than
it should as its been almost four months now since I lost my job but I never did tend to

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rush things, as you probably have gathered by now. The few times I have rushed into
things have not been too clever really: marriage and the early version of this book to
name the two that spring to mind first. Since rushing that early version I have paid heed
to the dont make the same mistake twice fortune cookie message and tried not to
rush it. Okay, I admit there was a period where I did next to nothing for six months or
so but Ive tried to get it organised and I feel its almost ready. During that time I rarely
stopped thinking about things if not actually getting anything down on paper however
so that counts too. I told you, thoughts make things. . .
I met a writer recently who told me to finish the book before editing. Woops, I didnt
really do that as I have constantly been re-shuffling things around. I suppose its where
the advice fits of course, as the constant re-working before finishing has been the
problem, but I only just met them- doh! I wanted to end on something positive so moved
the little conspiracy related stuff to in front of the Ayahuasca retreat for instance rather
than finish with it. Why am I telling you this? Im pretty sure you must have got the gist
from my dictaphone entries about me struggling to know whats best and generally what
a pickle Ive been in, so I may as well stop right? What I will say is that I feel its ready.
I may add a bit here or there in certain areas over the next couple of days. I did want
to release this on the 29th of July as that was two years since my big experience, but
the internet went down at my friends who is sending me the cover, so it will be a few
days late, maybe more, but it will be out in early August I promise. Another close friend
scoffed at my initial idea that I could write a book in a few months, telling me it would
take at least a year. It turns out I was wrong as what I released earlier could hardly be
called a book. I know this isnt a bloody blockbuster by any means, but beats the
previous effort hands down I reckon. There were no souliloquies in the first effort for
one thing. More importantly the Ayahuasca retreat is in there now as well as a few more
puns and poems too. One month short of two years for the completed effort as it turns
out in the end but what can you do? Im sorry for tending to procrastinate and basically
farting about for too long. It is one of the things I will try to make a conscious effort to
change about me, along with my diet.
A lot of it has been to do with my muddled nature obviously, losing all the jobs didnt
help, and the last one I had was flat out, non-stop lunacy, which left me creamcrackered, but still, thats no excuse really. Along the way I lost that initial sense of
oneness with the universe a little, or felt that I did at least. I am still happy but obviously
would love to feel like I did in the initial months, but more of the time. Knowing what I
do about how troughs and crests, and joy being better because of prior suffering I
understand that this feeling I was subjected to could not possibly last. If I want it to
come again then I may possibly have to go through some abject misery first and Im
quite happy with this middle ground for now. . . Recently I stumbled across an Alan
Watts talk where he was talking about a woman who was seeking a means to revisit
the spiritual experience she had whilst under anesthetic and it tallies nicely with what I
have been trying to say.

Watts in his usual manner explained the situation to the woman by way of an old story
initially told to him by Sri Rama Krishna, about a disciple of his who had learned from
his master that all the multiplicity of this world is the illusory outward form of the one
eternal divine Brahman underlying the entire process. Having listened to this
exposition the disciple got up and went on his way. He was walking down a narrow
street when he came across the path of an elephant with a mahout sat atop of it. The
mahout warned him to move out of the way but he thought he is Brahman, everything
is Brahman, so the elephant is Brahman, and he ignored the warning. The elephant
knocked him out the way and into the ditch with its trunk just as you might suspect.
Upset, he then crawls back to Sri Rama Krishna and has a moan telling him it didnt
seem to be necessary to move out the way because the elephant was Brahman jus like
him. . . The master replies You daft fool, that mahout is also Brahman and you should
heed the warning!
I love finding new talks of Alans that I havent heard before. I love it even more when
they match perfectly the situation that I find myself in. Synchronicity rules. He finishes
off by sayingSo as in this case the one who is trying to regain the vision is the disciple and the
vision theyre trying to regain is the elephant. The way you are actually feeling now, and
which you are ignoring because of your eagerness to feel some other way; that is the
voice of the Mahout, and that too is Brahman. Nine times out of ten an observation of
this kind will mean nothing and will fall as flat as everything in this universe is the smell
of burnt almonds but the tenth time it will dawn upon you as a statement of total and
luminous clarity. We need not have any fear that this tenth time will come, because it
has come time and time again.- Alan Watts

Everything in the universe smells of burnt almonds does not in any significant way relate
to cyanide in this case. Just a little clue. . .
I just made a brief reference to the further psychedelic exploration that took place since
my awakening. One trip was my first foray into high doses of psilocybin. I mentioned I
partook of magic mushrooms in earlier years, but that was before discovering Terence
Mckenna, and whilst I enjoyed those experiences immensely they were not quite as
astonishing as what greeted me when I decided to eat five grams of dried psilocybin
and sit and the dark and wait. Without any outside influences, you get to see the true
power of these gifts. Its a long time ago now, and much like a DMT trip it is hard to
remember any real detail. I had the dictaphone of course, but during the trip I did not
want to record anything for fear of interrupting it all. By the time I had come down, I had
forgotten most of the finer points. The overriding message was that we do indeed create
our own universe, and this trip, along with other research and experience leads me to
the conclusion that we do. What you put out into the world you get back. I was treated
to a three to four hour movie basically, of which I was the director, producer and
cameraman it seemed. For some bizarre reason Brad Pitt and Angeline Jolie were the
leading actors in this film. Dont ask why because I dont have the foggiest. Perhaps

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the theme of creating your own universe was running through my head, and that was
what caused the trip to meander in that direction, but I think not.
A couple of months ago my dear friend Ethan came down from Scotland to visit me for
a week. The first night of his arrival was the night I had my first true breakthrough on
DMT on its own, as opposed to smoking changa. I had tried on a couple of occasions
beforehand in the subsequent months after the experience with the Bodhisattva and
the changa, but never really crossed the veil as it were, possibly due to technique,
equipment or dosage. We initially shared a pipe, passing it between us. When Ethan
slumped back in the chair I knew he was crossing over, but I was still firmly in my
lounge. There was a slight distortion of normal reality, but nothing more than that for
me. I patiently waited for Ethan to return, and in about five or six minutes we were
chatting once again. The look on his face was priceless. He couldnt believe that what
I had just smoked had not had any real effect. Ethan accompanied me on that
Ayahuasca retreat, so he knows a little about my past, and possible tolerances towards
DMT. Either that or my pineal gland is so gunked up it takes a lot more to break down
the veil- who knows? Anyway, Ethan began to prepare a pipe for me, for a solo journey.
I must admit I became slightly concerned at the amount of DMT that kept getting added
to the pipe atop of the layer of ash, but that was it, just slight concern. It is a highly
potent compound of course, but what with me thinking of tolerance, and having absolute
trust in my friend that was all it amounted to. Again, this is not me boosting an ego or
anything daft. Different people are scared of different things. Drugs, or the drugs that I
partake in dont really scare me, but I used to get scared by strange things up until very
recently, such as love. Work that out if you can.
We put some Banisteriopsis Caapi on the top to act as an MAOI inhibitor. This Ethan
told me just facilitates easier travelling by giving a little longer time before the DMT fully
kicks in. Essentially it gives you a bit longer to take the necessary tokes before your
head gets swapped for a new one. Okay then, all good, that would definitely help it
seemed. I started toking on the pipe, and the initial few tokes just got the caapi going.
As soon as you hit the layer of DMT youre going to know about it due to the taste. I
cleared the first big toke with DMT in, held it a good while, exhaled and repeated the
process for toke two. For the third rip I sucked in long, deep and slow, held my breath
whilst Ethan took the utensils from my hands and I lay back into the couch. If you
remember me telling you about the earlier significant journey as compared to others
with everything going slower than general, this was exactly the same. There was a
black background similar to before, but no flower of life. Instead I saw what can best be
described as an orb with an intersecting X shaped cross-section. The X had horizontal
feet at the end making them look like interlocking, squashed and angled Zs. These
formed four wings for want of a better word, as they met up behind the main orb with
the feet sticking out to make the wings. The respective halves sort of flew in from the
sides to join up behind the big orb to form what can best be described as a U.F.O.
Those wings also had three smaller jewel-like orbs embedded in them on each wing.

Up until this point my DMT journeys had been low doses and/or ineffective, and I was
wondered whether this was anything to do with me not seeing alien entities that so
many others report about. I remember wondering if this was going to be it, but before
any alien presence emerged the scene changed, or evolved. Possibly from out of the
orb or not, Im not really sure as a bit vague but the next stage comprised of a series of
opening puzzle boxes that reminded me of Russian dolls in reverse, only rectangular
in shape, as they opened up in an extravagant display of breath-taking complexity.
Contained within the boxes were DNA helixes. I had seen these before on an earlier
journey but briefly, and from a different angle perhaps. They were familiar yet strange
at the same time.
From that point I dont recall how it got to the next stage exactly, but the next thing I
was aware of was being outside, or above, to be more precise what looked to be a two
dimensional template of a temple or courtroom. Imagine a game of Cluedo, where you
have that overview of the map of room and youll get an idea of what Im trying to
describe. Here it was just one huge room, big and grandiose with what seemed like a
huge solid wooden door. That massive door opened up and into the room flooded what
I think was the divine feminine. I saw no face from what I can recall, but that was the
feeling I got. She entered magnificently into the room, in resplendent orange and yellow
flowing robes, gliding around and into every space within it. All corners, nooks and
crannies lit up in the most beautiful display I have ever seen, and words really do fail
here so I wont even begin to try and describe it any more. Im not sure where I was but
it felt like heaven or nirvana, put it that way. The next thing I knew, there was no longer
just the one presence there, but a multitude of souls gliding and flowing in and around
this special place. I have no idea how it happened, it just did. The next thing I knew
after that was opening my eyes to look straight into Ethans, who was sat on the couch.
Rather than get up I merely lent my head towards his, so our foreheads met. My arm
managed to somehow pull him into a big hug. No words were necessary. He knew
where Id been, and what I was feeling.
You may here about people talking of intent when or if you research DMT, and up to
and including this point I never really began any journey with an intent. Perhaps this is
because I am happy to be shown whatever it decides to show me or not, or because
Im just not that focused I dont know, but I always feel like I have just gone in without
any specific questions. However, always hovering in the depths of my mind somewhere
are the ultimate questions. . . How did we get here, and why are we here? I may be
incorrect, God knows thats happened before, but I feel this journey answered the first
part of that. To my mind, I had just witnessed the story of creation unfold in front of my
eyes. Do we come from aliens is the fucking obvious question that poses, and that
essentially is what DMT will do to you; give you more questions than answers. . .
Right, Im going to finish up with a poem or two, and then a few more random bits of
rubbish that Ive been thinking about this year. The majority of these were recorded
fairly recently, but the last one is a slightly different recording altogether. I may need to
explain that a little just before it commences, but it was the first journey I went into with
an intent- with a specific question. Boy oh boy did I get an answer. That answer has led

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me into again wondering how much stuff to include on certain things, but its too late to
change it all again now! One big thing that that last journey has told me is that love is
the answer. To everything basically, and for whatever reason, I have been scared of
welcoming it into my life. That fear has well and truly gone, and I am going to head on
out into the big bad world and try and make it as good as I can, fighting the matrix, one
step at a time from within, and by spreading as much hope, joy and love as I can in
whatever time I have left. I procrastinate and ponder a little too much, but Im on a
mission now. This is just the launch. . .

Know who you are and know what it is. What it is is what it is and what it aint is what it aint
and all that stuff but you know what I mean? Know who you are and know what it is- I think
thats a pretty god damn good title.
Erm, here we go. Heres the new title or the one I think Ill settle on anyway. Little bits of
everything; coz we are little bits of everything, and because I dunno, like my sort of Jack of all
trades master of none persona, same sort of thing applies. Im going to go into a lot of topics but
none of them in depth. Even my autobiography is shmort. Shmort? Yeah, er, small and shortshmort! Yeah, so, little bits of everything.
Just in case I google it in a minute and its gone, could change bits to pieces. If thats gone, as
was just thinking of alternatives then, then this one might be better than the other two. Its just
Small Significant Specks.
Those above were obviously related to possible title ideas. Im not sure how many I
came up with as possible options over the course of writing this but there have been
several. This recording below is the one I moved from the prologue addendum. It was
recorded the night of a big epiphany. The one where I decided that work wasnt for
me anymore, and just putting my faith in the universe was the answer. I should of course
maybe done this a year or more ago, but the old indecisiveness and doubt crept back
in a little bit. A fortune cookie in the midst of losing jobs, said that someone who admires
my abilities will offer me a job, and I should think it over carefully. Well, I was thinking
this might come from an external source to where I was working at the time. Now, I look
back with that wonderful benefit of hindsight and I can see it clearly related to me taking
that immigration job. I should have thought about it carefully, and I should have turned
it down. We live and learn though eh? Ideally I would have liked to put this talk into the
conspiracy chapter as it mainly revolves around that area, but because it applies to
where I am now, without any desire to apply for a real job its ended up here.

Captains log, stardate 4/20, national stoner day, well actually its 4/21 now as they say in
America, 21st April as we say in the UK. Erm, its ten past three in the morning, cant sleep
again so I just went out to roll another joint, despite all I did to honour the day yesterday. I think
its mainly not being at work for the last three weeks now; Ive got into a pattern of going to bed
late and getting up later, as I knew I would, getting ten hours sleep a day which has been mad,
and nice- I feel refreshed. Anyway, to the point, Ive just been lying in bed for the last hour
thinking, so it made sense to grab the dictaphone again as I hadnt recorded anything in quite a
long time. I was having some very poignant thoughts just now, but now Ive grabbed the
dictaphone I cant bloody remember them. Hang on, let me pause this a secgathered my
thoughts right, basically in this last hour just been thinking and decided on something. As Ive
just hinted to Ive been out of work since the end of March when I lost my fourth job in about
eighteen months. Three to overseas outsourcing, and for this last timeId joined a team where
the work has to be done from the UK for legal reasons, so then they outsource that to another
company in the UK- pfff, what can you say? Our economy is expanding! Yeah, bull. More mass
media controlled lies, erm, so yeah I lost another job More or less straight away Ive had
another interview and I think it went quite well, for a reputable firm, well theyre a corporation
rather than a firm I suppose, but yeah it went well Ive decided though that if they ring me
back and offer me the role or ask me in for second interview Im going to turn it down. Might
seem a bit mad on the face of it and maybe it is. Everybody will tell me that Im stupid; but Im
used to that hrmph. Yeah, Im going to turn it down because I dont want to work on Maggies
farm no more as Bob would say...
In this interview there was maybe one sticking point where both interviewers stared at me
incredulously after my answer to the What did you make of the budget speech? question that
they had just posed. I told them that I didnt watch it, but then blurted out that I thought Osbourne
was a criminal before I knew what my mouth was doing. I couldnt help it. I had made a
conscious effort to try and not talk about some of my recent findings being pretty sure that it
wouldnt go down well, but I had a lot to concentrate on, and there you go; it just slipped
outAnyway a few seconds silence followed as they both scrawled a quick note on their pads,
then they both simultaneously looked up at me, and I got the impression that they wanted me to
elaborate on my statement so I explained that I thought his handling of the Royal Mail sell off
was corruption extraordinaireHe paid a bank to advise on the sale. It wasnt just that they
massively undervalued and ripped off the taxpayer but banks who are subsidiaries or have close
ties to the selling bank, as theyre all owned by the same people, bought a lot of the shares and
made a killingand that the owner of the bank whom he paid to do the selling was his best man
at his wedding. Come on! The Independent even covered it and said there were backhanders
going on, but it was bankers and what do we expect? Its the government and Osbourne in
particular who have hired the bankers to do it who are to blame, and they need to be held
accountable
We have another reason to get rid of the government, and Ill get to that in a minute but for now,
yeah the job interview, yeah went well; I was in there for an hour and twenty minutes for a
scheduled hour, and Im usually a pretty quiet bloke. I did tell a little white lie about my hair to
explain the scruffiness, saying I hadnt cut it for a bet for charity. Obviously with the book I
will still donate money to charity so I feel okay about telling the lie but Im just growing my
hair because I want long hair, doing a John Lennon hair peace thingy you know what I mean?

226

He did hair peace and the bed peace sit in and I wont cut it until we have some real change
round here and got rid of the current ruling bodies; be tripping over as a sixty year old
possiprobably hrmpph.
So, back to where I was, not going to take the job as I dont want to work in the system anymore.
I know its all rigged just to pay taxes to bankers perpetually. Its a complete fiction and I cant
and wont work in it any more. I will be asking for two or three quid, still not decided yet, for
this book, but here is my promise. I promise that no matter what Im doing, and I still dont
know what I will be doing yet, but I promise it will further the cause of humanity. Bucky Fuller,
Buckminster Fuller, you got to check this dude out right if you dont know of him, but he said
right, hang on in bed, and not got access to it but its about seeing what needs to be done where
others dont; Ill type in proper quote tomorrow:The Things to do are: the things that need doing, that you see need to be done, and that no one
else seems to see need to be done. - R. Buckminster Fuller.
Obviously its not nobody else that sees things need to be done, people have been and are doing
things that need to be done; more and more day by day. Personally speaking this is what I have
to do. I know from personal experience over the last seven or eight months that I havent been
able to get anything done on my book, or anything worthwhile anyway, whilst in that latest job.
Eight hours a day, 100mph all day in front of a pc left my drained and not wanting to do it after
work. So this is what I see that needs to be done from my perspective; not taking or looking for
a job until this books done Right, what did I say Id get back to in a minute just now? Oh
yeah, getting rid of governments, right. Plenty of evidence all over the place now to show the
war crimes, how they start the wars, how the media is controlled, everything and all of that side
of things, but just putting that aside for now, today I had the pleasure of coming across a load
of links from a friend- links to US and British medical journals posted mainly from 2005, 6 and
7, but the first in 1974, about the curative benefits of cannabis on various, well nearly all types
of cancer. They all show very beneficial effects of cannabis in preventing, treating, curing,
however you want to put it, no two ways about it, cannabis is the best medicine to fight these
man made cancers in the first place- known to man, and these people have known about it for at
least forty years! I mean theres proof that theyve known about it for that long at least, probably
known about it a longer than that, it was used medicinally in lotions and ointments long before
then, yet its illegal and we have all the propaganda surrounding it. Surely I mean were
talking health here, fluoride in the water is a major health issue for instance, its drugging people
against their will also, bad enough, but its bad for your health, causing brain damage and
cognitive disorders. Thats a whole other issue but here we have possibly the biggest health
issue of the modern age right? I mean how many adverts do you see every day screaming at you
to help fight cancer? Help fight cancer! Give us your money and help us! Theres a plant that
can do it all that grows for nothing outdoors, they know it fights cancer right and theyre still
hammering you with the ads, not treating those who need it, taking your money and keeping this
plant illegal. How are they acting in the best interests of the people? They are not, job done, no
argument or debate needed, goodbye, see ya later, ta ta, shut the bleeding door on the way out

please, we do not want you running our country anymore, and Im not talking about changing
the party as that wont do fuck all, sorry getting a bit passionate, must try not to swear... We
know there are cross party cabals, everybody can see that now, or will see it soon. The whole
tower of lies, deceit, murder, death and warmongering, its all going to come crashing down.
We can have a new system, thats why Ive got to write about this stuff. I was worried at one
time about causing a revolution as I thought thats what they wanted so that they could impose
the police state fully and take away what few rights we have left, but Im not worried anymore
because we dont need one. Theres just no need, over before it has started, or should well be. I
mean its not just this cancer topic on its own is it, theres the whole NSA, GCHQ spying, debt
free currency issues, fluoride, fracking etc etc. All of these clearly show that the system is broken
and those running it need to step aside. They tell you there is no proof that fracking damages the
water supply, and they just ignore calls for treasury issued debt free currency; no idea why, oh
wait yes I do, that would cut out the corrupt banks who fill the politicians gravy trainWater is
the most valuable resource on the planet. IT SHOULD NOT BE fucked with, shit sorry, unless
you know for sure that it will not be damaged. AND proof is coming out from America that it
does damage the water as well as the land. Fluoride is proven to cause brain damage yet they
have been putting in the water against people wills for donkeys years for pities sake yey
didnt swearThey do it in Ireland as well as the US and are trying to re-introduce it in other
parts of the UK, as well as introducing genetically modified and highly dangerous food. Our
governments are calling for its introduction saying its safe to eat! Then why the hell are France
and Italy staunchly saying no! I know theyre reputedly the best cooks in the world but its not
just about taste let me assure you. We now have the evidence at our disposal to show all this.
We should now be standing up and implementing much needed and overdue change. This is
without touching illegal wars remember. It was public opinion that denied them the war in they
so desperately wanted in Syria, for now at least. Dont believe what you read or hear on the
mainstream news about Ukraine currently as its mostly lies also. The BBC have been caught
altering the sound on one news story to try and influence public opinion regarding chemical
weapon usage in Syria. This is fact, caught red handed, no conspiracy at all. It is nothing short
of disgusting; why do we pay the licence? How can you believe a thing that comes out on
mainstream media once theyve been proven to lie?
Yeah soerm, if you help me open this door to getting out of workIve held doors open
for millions of people working in offices for the last seven years, all Im asking is that you help
open this door for me, and youll be helping yourself, not just because you are me and I am you,
I know we have different bodies or bags of skin on the face of it, but were all connected to the
same field, all from the same source, were all one and were all in this together, so by helping
me youre helping yourself and I promiseRight, Ive spent most of the last seven years not
really doing a lot, well maybe Ive been contributing to the world by making some people happy
I suppose but generally my jobs havent helped the world you know what I mean, and out of
work Ive mostly been getting stoned and playing PlayStation; Im all PlayStationed out; TV
bores the crap out of me. Im going to have to do something with my life, Im not just going to
sit around I promise. Whatever it is, and I will find out Im sure, probably by going on a journey
somewhere; thats always been the best way of guidance for me in the past but I wont waste
my life anymore, not that Ive been wasting my life, youre here forever anyway, its all eternal
so whats a few years here and there hrrmph! Anyway its now like twenty past four, going to

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try and get to bed now and then get up and crack on, stick a preface in front of the prologue
perhaps, maybe even use this as that preface as it does sum up what I want to do quite well, and
would be the first of the soliloquies or souliloquies as I like to call them, rip out the prologue
addendum from the front and shift it to the back and then concentrate on sorting that out,
elaborate on the a few things, remove a lot, I mean I dont think theres any need to talk about
any of this stuff in detail anymore, especially not 9/11, we should all know by now it wasnt Bin
Laden and his buddies; if not where you been? Google WTC7 and start from there but Im not
going to cover it, or 7/7, Boston, Sandy Hook, or any of that stuff in detail anymore. It will just
detract from what I really want to concentrate on. The truth will out soon enough anyways. I
need to cover banks, and the war on drugs to illustrate my view on plant medicines, people
looking the wrong way for too long, blaming people for using them and locking them up, lies,
deceit, hypocrisybut Im going to cover in a way thats positive, because you need to read it
and feel empowered by it and not depressed. How you feel, and think is just as important as
what you say and do, trust me. And theres no need to get down, its all going to be better soon.
Soooooooonnnnn.
Thought of a chat up line the other day, well not the other day just nowWhy did I say the
other day when I thought of it just now? Thats why I clicked this on to record hrmph. Sometimes
I say the daftest things. Anyway, so it goes like this- you approach the woman and ask if she
minds if you can ask her a question for a survey or something. I suppose you shouldnt mention
survey as that will make you look a bit daft so just ask if you can you ask her a question- theyll
say sure- hopefully. Then you ask her whether she values bravery in a person to which they
should well say yes. I mean its a nice, whats the word, erm, its a nice trait to have in a person.
So when they say yes, you say thats alright then. This next bit you need to be a bit tactful in
how you phrase it really but you go on to say how women are either attracted to good looking
or rich people; its in their genes so to speak. Animal nature isnt it? They want their offspring
to have the best chance in life so they look for good looks so the kids will get on in the world,
or they have money, and the looks arent important and theyll get on anyway. Thats the way
women think or thats what Ive heard anyway, and from my limited experience it may be true
but please dont shoot the messenger or chastise me for stereotyping, its just a joke after all.
So, after youve explained about the gene pool somehow and they have said they value bravery
you can say great as Im not that good looking, have fuck all money, but knowing that and
approaching you anyway to ask you out then I have to be brave right?
Four Oclock in the morning, just goneJust turned the lights out in the lounge to go to bed,
or I was just going to turn the lights out when I saw a cat just sat out on the roundabout- just got
a small paved roundabout, not a big one. Shes just sat there, looking around. You can hear the
birds and theres a few flying around above him and shes watching them and all that so Im
watching the cat and whistle at her. So were looking at each other and then she looks back
down to my right so I look down and a fox comes round the corner- a huge fucking fox I mean
this was huuuge- it almost looked like a hyena at first. Erm, I havent taken any psychedelics

tonight, nothing like that, Im fairly stoned thats all hrmph but yeah a fox. He notices me
straight away somehow, smells me or something I presume, looks up and then hastily crosses
the road to the other side and carries on his business looking in the gardens for bins I suppose.
But yeah, it was fucking mad, it was just likewhats the film with Tom Cruise? Where hes a
hitman, cant remember what its called but theres a bit wheres hes just driving along the road
and sees a deer in the middle of the road late at night. I suppose its just them dead hours when
the people arent about . . . and who says animals arent intelligent? (The film is Collateral in case
you didnt know and were wondering.)

I think its Tuesday, must be about three or four oclock now dont know, havent got my phone
and dont wear a watch. Er I came down the common just to get out and get a bit of fresh air
and a bit of sun because Ive been fucking hermitising basically for the last however long Its
done me good; Ive seen some mad things down here. A lovely little beagle puppy running
around like a total lunatic, er, two people playing American Football, one wearing a helmet as
they just throw the ball to each other which made me laugh. Reminded me of wearing a helmet
to play computer racing games, just as daft really but doing it out in public I thought fucking
kudos to the bloke. Erm, written a poem which I think is alright. Ive sowed some seeds to feed
the birds, taken a photo to show the spot where I sowed the said seeds. Roughly in that vicinity
anyway; it wasnt me officer hrmph. Yeah, its been really nice. I need to get somewhere totally
away where theres no cars as you can still here the cars in the urban jungle but obviously need
my car to get out the way somewhere. I havent been in my car for six weeks now which fucking
rocks. Anyway, just clicked on to record about the dude with the American Football hat in case
I forgot it as he was brilliant! Bye.

Dusk before dawn

When the early rising humans start to stir
And the birds begin to chirp just past four
Is the time that I usually go to bed
To try and rest my weary head
This early morning was one such night
I got off the couch to turn out the light
Breath-taking moments are not served by words
So Im trying to do it justice in verse
I looked out the window and witnessed a sight
That made me purr with pure delight
No camera on hand for others to see
It forever lives on in my memory

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A cat sat lording it bold as brass

On the roundabout that has no grass
I watched her quietly for a while
Her chilled out attitude making me smile
The world was her oyster- no cars around
And only the birds made any sound
More time passes- I can no longer resist
I open my window and call out with a psst
A graceful turn from my feline friend
A brief glance up and then away again
Back down the road at what I cant see
Eyes open wide- now staring intently
Her head turns slowly from left to right
Her object of fixation nears my sight
Another cat or dog? What could it be?
He turns the corner and looks straight up at me
Time stood still, just for a second
And then he left, for safety beckoned
Id seen in his eyes the look of fear
What the hell was I doing here?
This was his time, the dusk before dawn
Yet here was a human, intruding with scorn
I smiled at him; no need to be scared
But the stranger was gone- the cat still didnt care
A dark dappled coat with a hint of a sheen
The biggest darn fox I have ever seen
So large in fact I first thought hyena
But how could that be with the cats calm demeanour?

I havent got anything particular to talk about. I clicked this on because I sort of want to note
how Im feeling at the moment because I sort of know how I want to attack it. Without wanting
to sound too repetitive and go through all the same shit again Im just going to pause this while
I think of a few certain key words. Well, not key words but phrases. Remember, when youre
going to rip the conspiracy stuff out you can talk about you know how youre going to mention
bits but what is the point? The point is Ive taken so long making my mind up about it that
everybody knows about it now anyway you know what I mean so whats the point even writing
about it? You can attack it from that angle and then erm, well, thats that bit covered yeahTry
and compare yourself to something shell-shocked, not shell-shocked but just not knowing what
to do for so long so I just need to pick one clear path and just go for it and thats what Im doing
Im ripping it out.
Its half-four, twenty something of June, Thursday I think, well its Friday morning now. Yeah
Friday morning, twenty something of June. Getting towards the end of June and I still havent
finished my book which was my target point. Er, part of the reason is because I still cant make
my mind up- like Ive just listened to the last recording as I picked this up to record what Im
probably going to forget about, or probably have just forgotten about because I listened to that
last recording when I picked it up just to see what it saidand that was going on about ripping
the conspiracy stuff out and I obviously didnt bear in mind what I was going on about then
because Ive just spent the last few weeks like tidying it up. Trimming it quite a lot yeah, but
not ripping it out. So, there you goI cant make my mind up about anything; its pretty much
conclusive. But I have almost trimmed it to what Im happy with because I do believe thatlike
the last recording said because Ive spent so long doing it most people are aware of everything
nowWell, I think there is need to cover it and Ive tried to change the point of view to that I
know people are aware sort of but theyre arguing against it and thats just another form of
division; to split up the conspiracy theory nutters with the sane people who obviously dont
question anything and yeah, dont look up in the sky and think that towers can well anyway,
its just another form of division isnt it? What was that thought? Right, yeah, couldnt sleep
again despite having a bedtime joint so got up and I did a session of meditation that I
thinkwell, it enabled a spot-on thought to come into my head- the one that Ive forgotten for
a start, which is why I obviously need a dictaphone. Dont worry it will come back to me in a
minute; let me just pause to stop blabbering on while I try and remember it, hang on click.
. crunch.click Right paused it for a bit longer, it was quiet for a bit because I couldnt
find the right fucking button- Im pressing the menu button instead of the pause button. Right
its un-paused again now anyway, (really?) so, what I want to try and get across is that Im not
trying to give anyone life advice or anything like that because people have got to live their own
life and find out what they find out along the way of their own accord, but obviouslyfuck,
erm, how to word it? If youre writing a book youre giving advice, well Im not giving advice
still, Im just telling you about how things have helped my life for a start but it is advice in some
sort of way because I want other people obviously to find the happiness that I found so Im
advising them to do stuff, but Im not telling them how to live their life the same way I dont
want the government telling me how to live my life if you know what I mean? Its justtips!
Tips/advice, its the same thing, what the fuck am I on about? Erm, yeah. I discovered how

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psychedelics can help me basically, and they can help other people the same way as theyve
helped me obviously and judging by the groups Im in on Facebook and things like that then
they are obviously helping a fuckload of other people as well so they have got to become legal
or we have to remove the governments who make them illegal obviously as is the preferred plan
because theyre all corrupt fuckers anyway. But what Im saying is like the whole life journey
if you like for me, I reckon at the end of it, this is my belief anyway, is that youre going to end
up, when your physical body dies, your consciousness drifts offlike the Tibetan book of
Living and Dying and all the reincarnation stuff, youre going to go off and go through all these
bardos or whatever where basically your life gets reviewed, for want of a better term, and
youre going to have somebodynow Im not going to say aarggh!... I dont know who will
be doing it obviously; is there a..? Fuck this is getting too deep. Right, your lifes going to get
reviewed...maybe by yourself hrmph, or whoever, but your lifes going to get reviewed So,
should you of got there not knowing anything being that youre sent down here, well not sent
down here, but youre here to learn if you know what I mean so should the psychedelics
be well of course the psychedelics should be used because they were here before us and loads
of ancient cultures used them so thats just beyond question. We should be allowed to use them,
we should be using them and who the fuck are the government to tell us that we cant? Schedule
one drug with no medicinal benefit? Fuck off! That is just a lie. Psychedelics have got more
medicinal use than you can shake a fucking hairy stick at.
This will seem daft but Ive just been reminded me of something, and I know that this isnt
proof that Im psychic or anything but it just reminded me about something else that I thought
about... When I went out to get the dictaphone just now I picked up my grinder, a bit of weed
and the Risle packet, and for some reason I knew that there wouldnt be three papers in there,
enough to build my joint- before I pulled them out. Now of course I knew subconsciously as
Ive been skinning up in the evening that theyve been getting low, and Ive passed that ten to
go slip but with my memory you know? So, just as I picked it up I thought theres not going to
be enough there, and sure as eggs are eggs there are only two left, so I get another pack.
Obviously I have more as Im not stupid enough to leave myself none when all the shops are
shutBut its not proof that Im psychic but what was I thinking earlier? Right, social anxiety
and stuff like that. Is it linked with psychic ability in a way? I dont knowbecause after my
changa experience there was all the stuff with the lifts- I dont know if Ive mentioned this in
any of the other dictaphone entries so will mention quickly. The lifts at my old work, three floors
and you get to the lift at the bottom and the counter says zeroOccasionally you get there when
it leaves and its still saying zero but its actually gone; that split second before it says its at
one. Well its not a split second its about a second but obviously it could be there for ages just
going zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero until someone calls it and its going up to one, but
its only a second I used to get a feeling all the time when I pressed that button and its saying
zero, and once in a blue moon its not there and gone to one by the time I get to press the button,
well maybe a bit more often than once in a blue moonOnce a week? Id press that lift Id say
about forty times a week on average? Maybe twice a week? Two out of that forty as a rough
guess as a pinpoint figure (wtf?)so not often, I would know over the spell of three months/four

months, I would know every time- I would get a feeling that the lift had gone, before I would
press the button- bang, every time without failAnd its the same with royal flush draws;
whenever I was playing poker and on a royal flush draw obviously needing only one specific
card I would get a feeling if it was about to hit. Not all the time Out of maybe ten opportunities
to hit I hit them maybe five or six times, and it was when Id had a feeling, uncannily. And that
was before the experience. So, Im not fully in tune with it yet, definitely not, but its also
possibly linked with me wigging out with my thoughts getting read and stuff if Im going into
one too deep, not a bad trip, but just that state when thoughts are taking over and Im worried
that people pick up on my thoughts. Im pretty sure they do, but I also pick up feelings, I
thinkwhat Im trying to say is that do people who are socially anxiousIs there a good reason
for the sort of paranoia, not paranoia, but theyre more worried that other people judge them if
you know what I mean? And they pick up- because people do judge everybody dont though?
Its part of my I know its a fucking character fault- well Ive stopped judging people as much.
How can you stop judging people as much? I judge people less, a lot less, and I try not to judge
people at all but sometimes it still comes up like the little old thought you have to quell. But
everybody, I mean before that awakening experience I was judging people all the time but I got
the impression that everybody judges everybody else. Maybe I suppose, I am, or was a little bit
psychic and picked up on everybody judging me all the time as a thing and it worried me more
than other people. I guess what Im trying to saythis is more maybe a recording for the work
of fiction that I want to do after this book, but it also sort of links with this book as well so yeah
because but I think Ive got the message acrossAre psychic and socially anxious people,
are they linked somehow? Are psychic people more susceptible to the judgement that goes on
and therefore anxious in other peoples company? Its a good question no? I think so.
Book summary speech? Its not going to happen now as Im not feeling particularly
summeryI need to go somewhere woody, laky, but quiet so the old lake at works out of the
question as its by a fucking motorway. I need to go somewhere where its really, really peaceful
and Im wide awake during the day time and clear headed so I can better remember my thoughts
so not now but there was something I wanted to say, erm, hmmm, no pretty much gone... Ooh
yeah, about the psychic stuff yeah, on a couple of trips in the middle of the dance floor I got hit
by the old anxiety attack again, not good really, but I sort of dealt with it. I mean I had the whole
I dont really care if people know what Im thinking thing going on still but I knew the anxiety
was there you know what I mean? The only way I could relax and sort of shut off my mind from
worrying about what other people were doing, thinking and looking at, judging or whatever,
was to just to fuckin zone into the music and by doing that I managed to quell the mind, I suppose
thats why its called trance maybe hrmphI lost a good few hours then but every now and then
the fucking brain fart would start to creep back in hrmph, and Id just fucking be like I was
absolutely positive in my head you know what I mean that as Im talking to myself about
stopping the brain fart just listen to the music people are knowing what Im talking about. Maybe
they were smiling at me for other reasons but it seemed that the looks came round every time I
was going through the fucking brain fart in my head, fucking stop the brain fart listen to the
music you know what I mean? So, as it builds on and on over a longer period of time you get
the feeling that it cant be coincidental so like fucking yeahby the time I stopped dancing to

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go and get some water my legs just went to jelly- maybe people were smiling because I was
bouncing so high I dont know, but the springs were now well and truly fucked really and I
couldnt go back in so I went back to the tent. It was fucking intense in there, not the tent the
dance floor hrmph, it was crazy. Im pretty sure; I know energy transmits I couldnt read their
thoughts or anything but I know people were picking up on mine, or I thought they were, but
energy transmits- that fucking place was bumping, ahhh... this Danish guy in our camp bit, hes
got this tattoo on his arm and I asked him what it meant as its quite a long verse and he said its
about the feeling you get when the dance floor is- you know everyones on the dance floor, and
its that perfect moment when its in sync with your friends and everyones there and its bang
and its doomf and boomf- its all beating as one, thats what the poem basically sums up
Yeah, I felt it for the first time in however many years since the mid-nineties, nearly twenty
years I suppose, but in a way it was better. Yeah, Ozora rules.
Just a thought but er, I used to think it was like erm smoking a lot of cannabis that reduced my
sex drive,(whispers) or possibly a lot wanking I dont know, but I dont feel the need to have a woman in
my life if you know what I mean? Im quite happy without them, erm, like some people say
dont they, that the opposite sex completes them or whatever. Now, maybe, and this is just a
theory, one of my whacked out crazy onespeople who are more in touch with their sensitive
sides, or their feminine sides, if theyre males and vice versa, can they survive easier on their
own then the people who arent? You know what I mean if youre more in touch with the other
side, duality and all that like Im a pretty sensitive person, I overthink stuff, Im not a mans
man. Well, I am in some ways but not others, without getting into all of that Im a pretty
sensitive bloke hrmph. Does it add up? Some sort of link somewhere? Who knows?
Just a quick one, lying in bed awake as per the norm, erm, had some real clarity of thought
tonight and Ill get onto that briefly but I just want to deal with what made me want to click this
on and record because it just made me chuckle myself I thought it was pretty funny so
hopefully you will too, erm, Ive just been thinking about destiny and stuff, obviously theres
the dictaphone thing and all the signs and stuff that that Ive not got to really tie up but just sort
of highlight in a way. Like, Ive just watched a film tonight- let me briefly mention that quicklyits called Jeff, Who Lives at Home I think, and it ties in with all of this as the films about
synchronicity, sojust coz the films about synchronicity doesnt mean it happens I know but
people also make films about stuff that happens so obviously with all my signs Ive had, anyway
Im waffling and I got to stop wafflingSo it got me thinking about destiny again and things
like that- obviously I know my destiny is to write this book but because Im nearly about to
release it coz its like the 21st or something of July at the moment and I aim to release it on the
29th and this is the promise that Ive made to myself, so Ive got to buck my ideas up Ive got
eight days to sort it out... But the clarity of thought that I had today, may as well mention it
while Im here, was to move the Ayahuasca stuff to straight after the changa bit coz then Im
still talking about psychedelics so it flows better, then I get onto my little bit, or however bit it
will be about the worldy shit, coz then I can lop that off at the end but have it as just an epilogue

of the first book just to show as well- in a way I think it will show that I could have done a whole
book without having to mention that stuff because it will be however many odd pages by then,
and try and edit my discussion up until I get to that point. Obviously in the prologue addendum
bit Im going to be mentioning about the state of the world, throughout my autobiography bitmost of that was written before I was aware of the state of the world so must of thats written in
that context naturally without being aware which is handy and worksy, (not a typo, its what I said
hrmph) and then the next bit is talking about my experience and then Watts, and then waking up
to the stuff briefly but not going on about it there then Ayahuasca while its fresh in peoples
minds then the 9/11 and banks and shit and then tying it up at the end, leave the latest probable
false flag incident of Mh17 and them trying to start world war three or the next cold war or
whatevs- nasty though dont think it, dont need to cover that done all the thought and things
before so where was I, oh yeah, clarity of thought hrmph Right been aided today by just
a couple of little signs. Somebodyright, Im in a group on Facebook which has gotten pretty
big of late, which is good, but some of the older and wiser people whod post some of the more
interesting stuff have left coz its got a bit manic or whatever reasons. One of these people
returned today after a noticeable absence and Id just been wondering if they would, and the
what they posted about was about ill people becoming healers, and there was something else too
where I got reminded about the mission I was on to finish this book, and I wanted to finish it
quickly obviously then I thought fuck its nearly two years since the experience so that will be
good if I can get it done by then and then see I suppose, just wait whilst its out. But then Id like
to go to South America to find out about whether I could possibly become a shamans apprentice
or notso yeah find out about the next bit of my destiny but I dont know what it is at the
moment, but I was thinking just now in bed- the funny little coincidence that made me laugh
that I have just gotten around to after about five minutes twenty-five of waffle- got a handy little
timer on this dictaphone by the waySo, yeah, I was figuring that Ive done all sorts jobs,
warehouse shit here and there, poker, factory, office, different types of office work and then
nothing for the last three months which has been the best bit. So, with not knowing whether I
can be a shaman or just whether Im going to try and keep writing I dont know, I suppose it all
depends how this one goes down really, or whether I just become an activist as I really do think
we have to put an end to this systew, so I may just be camping in London for a bit but all of
these thingsright the thought was... I like not knowing you know what I mean? The whole not
knowing and keeping it a mystery thing even though I end up mostly doing the same sort of
stuff when out of work or whatever I like to know, or I like to feel definitely, that whatever is
next is different, and I dont like to know what Ill be doing beforehand. I love the mystery, and
this is the crux of the point finally hrmph. Its what we do isnt it? God. This whole hide and
seek is because he loves the mystery too, he would get bored, here for eternity, creates the game
of hide and seek. Well, there you go, made me laugh anyway. Lifes reflected in the strangest
of things, sure Ive said that before, coz its truuuue.
Its funny though, coz I just noticed, some hour later coz I got bored not being able to go to
sleep so skinned up a joint and when Ive been smoking it I was listening to that back and I
noticed at the end when I was talking about us being God I still referred to him as he, which was
quite strange, even though I know its us, it, one, source going to need a new word, erm, yeah

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its good, but I cant really say it coz it would have been impersonalanyway he just popped
out without thinking, force of habit- didnt mean it.
And another brief thing while Im on it as its just struck me. I just turned the radio on by the
way as its 04:44- quadruple Nelson, as I just put the spliff out and was going to turn out the
light, wondered if it was going to playing a synchronistic song due to the nelson aspect (Its
uncanny how often, on the rare occasion I look at a clock, its a nelson; 1:11, 2:22 etc.) It wasnt,
but the song was literally just ending and then on comes Sweet child of mine by Guns n Roses.
All sons of God if you know what I mean possibly? Sort of synchronistic anyway but because
Ive also been thinking about psychedelics and addiction and them helping with that. How do
they do that? Its like we get in contact with our higher self if you like- definitely, coz were
God and we sort of channel experience of time through the ages basically, thats my theory, so
when I was speaking to the Bodhisattva, although it is my higher self, it could have been just a
vision of myself at any time conjured through my mind through the ages, but not knowing about
Bodhisattvas personally as Mark in this body, its still not a hallucination its a vision- covered
thatBut, even though I may not be Bodhisattva here now, we all are, coz were all God, you
see? And even though I may not be able to fulfil all the commitments of theirs that I heard or
read, Im going to try my hardest to do some of them. Goodnight, God bless, I bless, you bless,
we bless, it bless- hrmph, bless. In Lakech blesses and In Lakechs- hrmph. Love you.
Even though I just said all the goodnights and God blesses I just turned the radio back on to
test the alarm as I have to get up early in the morning- yeah happens occasionally, the end of
song was still on so listening to the guitar solo and I had another thought which Ive just fucking
forgotten, hang on.. .. Shit.
I got it I gotit took me about thirty seconds but I got it. I also thought I pressed the pause
button but hit stop instead but I got it eventually Theres that joke isnt there about the
agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac, schizophrenic who lays awake all night wondering whether there
was a doG. I could twist that into Buddhism and reincarnation somehow.
Can tell its late, still cant sleep... Can tell its late? Can tell its early now if you know what I
mean as I dont need a light for the dictaphone as theres enough light coming in through the
curtains. Anyway, its still late, early or however you put it, and I have thoughts running through
my head and Im still awake but I got it, the format for the joke Right. . . I used to be an
agnostic, insomniac, schizophrenic dyslexic who would lay awake talking amongst his selves
pondering whether there was a dog. Now Ive awakened my Buddha nature Im no longer
agnostic but Im still an insomniac, schizophrenic, dyslexic, but now I lay awake all night talking
to myself and wondering whether Ive ever incarnated as a god hrmphNight.

Watched a documentary earlier tonight still cant sleep, twenty past fiveIt was partly about
the Matis tribe of Brazil who inject tree frog venom straight into their veins after burning two
holes in them and pouring some other tree root juice into their eyes before they go hunting which
was interestingIt had all this other stuff in it as well going on about all the tribes putting stuff
back into nature whatever they take out, so it made me think about planting seeds I suppose, but
rather than going and planting a tree, I just want to plant a few ideas in peoples minds.

So here we are, more or less at the end of the road. I mentioned about my dream to
help-I dont know how many people will read this. It could be anywhere between one
and one billion who knows? Possibilities are endless, limits are fiction, and hope can
be infinite- as limitless as the universe itselfand also just like love and hate, which I
have just had shown to me in the most dramatic of ways, which is detailed in my own
inimical style shortly. I will not limit my hope, because I hope with all my heart this has
touched someone enough for them to tell someone else about it. We are all connected
in that sense, the six degrees of separation etc. but we are also connected because we
are all one. I have learnt throughout this eventful journey of the last two years that it is
extremely important to love yourself, and not in that fashion you with the dirty minds,
but in the time honoured traditional method of finding inner peace.
The world needs to wake up fully before its too late. As Im trying to stay positive now
I wont go into all that stuff again, but the planet is sick, and that means we are. I know
you may think Im crazy, fried my brains or something along those lines due to drug
use, but thats simply not the case. Here we have another catch-22 really. Its the
drugs that help you see how crazy real life is, the psychedelic ones at least. I have
spent some considerable time wondering about whats best, and how I can help the
world and this is the start of it. My start anyway. Peru is hopefully going to be my next
destination, where I will find out what Im going to do next. As I have suffered from
problems of the mind for a long time I would ideally love to be able to help others in a
more hands on way than writing if that is at all possible. I need to head over and find
out if it would be an option. In the meantime now that I dont have to think about this
anymore Im going to sort my diet out and start treating my body better, because frankly
I suck at it, and visit my family. Im also going to continue to hope this book catches
somebodies attention, and then you fall for the hypnotic, subliminal message
throughout... No, all joking aside, if you do talk about this and help me publicise it, then
youre helping yourself. Ipso fucking facto- honestly.
Who knows, along the way of getting healthy and visiting family and friends, I might
even find that special woman mad enough to understand me and take me as I am, that
would be quite a feat, but Im more confident than I used to be these days, so maybe I
can find her? Someone who wont grumble if I turn in at four in the morning, but at the
same time someone who would make me not want to. Im older and uglier on the
outside perhaps but just as young as ever and a lot more prepared for love on the inside
now due to a recent vision/learning/healing adventure of epic proportions. Thats how

238

Im going to tie the book up, obviously I could not possibly begin to contemplate
recording anything mid travels, and nor would I want to. I only began recording the
below entry after roughly ten minutes trying to be sick in the loo. Figuring I would be
there for some time I wanted to grab the dictaphone whilst details were fresh in my
mind. As a result it starts extremely disjointed, more so than any other by a long way,
as I was still very much in between two worlds.

Right, here it is then the end of the book. I have edited a little bit, for personal reasonsnames that came out when they shouldnt, and because in its original form it was just
so fucking long! Its garbled, probably verging on total waffle at the start as stated , but
I was still pretty heavily entrenched as it were. Theres a useful message or two in there
somewhere I believe. I hope you enjoy it, and have enjoyed this effort, if you managed
to get to this far of course. Its been a lot of hard work for me, as you have probably
discovered my mind is a bit scattered- but it still works. Its working better and far more
clearly than it has in a long time; something just gets lost in the translation along the
way to the fingers, speech at times, and dyslexia. That, taken in consideration with my
complete and utter indecisiveness has meant its been hard, but its still been a lot of
fun for me along the way too like I hope it has for you. I hope it hasnt hidden the
message too much Im pretty sure it hasnt. I hope its pretty clearIm pretty sure
it is I hope it made you laugh- not got a Scooby on that one, youll have to let me
know somehow hrmph!
In line with my inability to make up my mind, ending the book has posed a few doosies
too, not being sure whether to finish with a well thought out speech, a view of the future
perhaps, or one of my souliloquies. In a weird way the fact that I have written a whole
flipping book means I feel like I dont have to end with a speech if you follow my twisted
logic, so without further ado I will leave you with my few last waffles. Sorry about the
extreme language, but it sort of needs to stay.
One other, sort of last, but not quite last thing. I almost forgot to put this in after taking
the photo a couple of days ago. It would maybe serve better earlier on but I have all
that bit spaced out so much easier to put in now. My eyes have gone square once or
twice already getting it just so before having to shift things all over again. Ive put them
in as good as an order I can remember them happening, reading in columns first rather
than rows. The last one was only opened as I more or less finished the final draft two
nights ago and celebrated with a takeaway. Ive just been doing little tweaks like this
and a final proofread over the last two days really whilst waiting for my amorsome cover
essentially. Very profound no? Double rainbow material or what? Honest to God they
came in that order and I wouldnt lie to you would I? I have referenced some
previously in a few talks, but have somehow lost the one regarding tact somewhere. I
was told to conquer my fear of losing when having a crisis of confidence, and to plan
my work meticulously. Ive done the former for sure, but my planning ability has always
been crap so I have planned as meticulously as possible. Its in your hands now as it

were. So these have been very poignant, especially with the timing of them. Apparently
I am also going to fall in love soon too, which will be nice, though I already feel in love
if Im honest; with you all aaawwww, sorry hrmph.

The quote from Hunter S. Thompson at the start of the chapter is very relevant for this
following talk. At times during the epic battle that preceded this talk I felt like I not only
knew what he meant about the edge, I felt like I may have just crossed it, and there
might not be any return.
This is for scientific purposes only. I hope the batteries dont run out in the fucking middle of
this although I will go and get some, ermDry roasting- dry roasting? Dry retching all sorts of
fucking shit out at the moment but (spits) I am having my own biggest fucking everfacing my
own personal demons and all sorts of shit and knowing how to beat em all microcosm, thats
fucking the world evaporating and all sorts of shit into one tiny little moment in my
ownbog (sniffs and hocks) -at the moment- its happening (Spits.) The fucking fight against
evil, however fucking microcosm? Ohhh! Words fail when talking about dmt they say, but
they mean in a descriptive way- this journey has fucked my speech up more than ever hrmph.
Im gonna fucking retch this shit out in a moment without chucking my fingers down my throat
as wellI dont know what the time is now, Ill update you in a minute, but I took this fucking
heroic dose, and I now know what the brackets heroic fucking dose actually means! I dont
know, my fucking scales or whatever, well get to that in a minute but it was a heroic fucking
dose put it that way and Im fucking so glad for it erm, (spits) Wa-uuuurrrrrr! (strange high
pitched noise- I cant spell it- it was weird.) I asked the question with the intent before, and this is
where somebodys having a little fucking laugh at me somewhere, but again Im glad for it. I
asked the question when I went in with the intent of . . . and I meditated before as on it as wellwith the question can this help fight fucking addiction? And Ive just been fucking given the
answer! Sssoooooo fucking clearly, and its still going on, the bubbles and everything in my
bog, although theyre subsiding now, yeah the worst of it has goneeven if I cant coax the
very fucking pit of my stomach to fucking spit it out, Ive sort of come to the conclusion that
everybodys got a bit of a dark passenger, Im going to let it ride with me, Im just not going to
pay any attention to the little cunt and beat it down with fucking love everywhere I go from

240

now My close friends know what Im talking about when I say I fucking love you! But I love
everybody else honestly, the whole ffffffucking world! You can stick that in the biggest bubble,
the smallest bubble, microcism. Why the fuck do I keep saying microcism? Pffff Microcosm
you know what I mean, or however you want to put it, but fucking Matthew Silvers got it right
and fffffffffucking love now! Honestly I was fighting it and I was beating it- every last fucking
fibre of my being that told me, that was lulling me with this fucking shit. Ethan told me about
it, yeah, I couldntyeah, I didnt know what he was fucking on about until now. Its just
fucking fear and hate and loathing and it fucking writhes off that shit (huge dry heave-nasty
sounds) almost there, bleeurgh, hang on- (more heaving, coughing, spitting) not quite.
Anyway, I fucking asked the questionthat was my intent I fucking asked the question and
I got a fucking answer! (Giggles) I havent quite finished having it being explained to me yet but
the fucking message is crystal fucking clear! Sorry about the swearing. I have tried not to sear
throughout the course of my book. I am going to use this as summary by the way. Ive just
fucking decided and Im going to swear all the way fucking through it because its fucking
spitting out (more heaving and spitting) all the fucking hate thats inside me (More extended
heaving and spitting, coughing, choking etc.) Anyway, going to take a break from the puking as
its clearly not finished, erm, take a break from it? I havent started yet, but this dry reaching,
its coming, but apart fromWhile Ive been in here, and this is the fucking ccrrrrrraaazzziest
shit ever! You know how Ive often said life is reflected in the fucking strangest of ways and
everything, and oh my God the fucking butterflies Ive seen recently, and the foxes and
changeI feel like Ive pissed myselfBy the way that was one thing, all the way fucking
through it while Im lying on my bed going through this fucking inner turmoil fight against the
ffffucking shite thats in me, like they were teasing me with worries over incontinence or some
shit (Lots of bleurching and heaving and spitting) Where was I? Yeah. Fucking hell. A moth.
The wholeand what are they doing flying in through the window attracted to the light? This
went through some sort of, I dont know, metafuckingmorphosis, Right in front of my fucking
eyes literally (deep breath) and its not a hallucination, I know Im seeing shit all over, I mean
the visions have died down but I was, when I was going through the fucking puking- its fucking
there, I dont even know, but anyway, the whole fucking butterfly thing happened right in front
of my fucking face while Im there puking my ringer out or trying to, and its battering around
the light above me and Im like what the fuck? Why do they get born in darkness and attracted
to the light or whatever and all that sort of shit that I read in a fucking comment somewhere
earlier, and its all going through my head, and I thought just turn the fucking light out! Let it
fly out in the world without dying. If the light kills it, so thats what I did, I fucking turned the
light out and puked in darkness, or tried to puke in darkness. I mean pitch black. Its fucking
gone one oclock in the morning, theres no lights round here, Im like what the fuck, where am
I aiming? I fuckingmy fucking jeans are soaking wet! I may as well take them offI havent
pissed myself by the way but I better go and fucking check the bed in a minute coz I fucking
may well have done. (Heaves and spits) Im still trying to piss or puke this shit out but its not
happening. The piss I had felt good and I laughed at it... And as soon as I flushed that away, the
little faces that were in the bottom of my bog, honestly its hard to explainits fear, its loathing,
its panic, its all that shit trying toits in the fucking bog. Its where shit goes so its the

perfect fucking archetypal message/metaphor, rolled into one. I flushed that shit away and they
went (heaves and spits) Hrmph, its just not finished yet- its seriously not finished yet! But
anyway, yeah I asked the question, that was my intent. Could it help or have I got the answers
for helping deal with a fucking addiction? (sighs) I need a name for him if hes going in the book
(sniffs) fuck it, he wont care if I use his real name anyway, but him, close friend, recent friend
but a close friend has a close friend that I dont know, who is facing alcoholism. I wanted to
know whether he could face that beat that, without having to go to the Amazon. And the
fucking quite the brief answer to sum it up without all the flowery shit, well not flowery shit,
but the shit that Ive just been waffling on about, trying to portray in one little summary of the
whole book, in one beautiful yet disgusting at the same time, huge, live science experiment
cum metaphor ever, and the batteries are flashing at me as I thought they might- I fucking totally
forgot what I was fucking talking about, but the answers fucking yes! That was it, that was the
question, can it face addiction, or can I help beat somebodys addiction, and if that dude comes
round here, and hes fucking up for it, I can fucking help that poor lad, and he will spit that shit
into this bog the same as I have I fucking promise you. Argh, I know about the purge now and
everything, its just fucking happened to me, maybe this is like the Ayahuasca fucking thing is
hitting me now, the purgeThe urge to get it out has started rooting hrmphthat was not even
an intentional joke, but Im fucking joking when I dont mean to see? Natural comic. Fucking
puking my heart and soul into this bog, and little fucking summary and Im still joking without
even meaning to. Ffffuck- laughters amazing. Erm, ah, Root it- whatever I was going on about
it- Ive just got to start pissing as it might lead me to start fucking puking the rest of this shit
out. (More nasty sounds) No, still not there. Rootingoh yeah whatever, fuck- lets start
again Alcohol, addiction, whatever; it all stems from the fucking wolf! And this is the
weirdest fucking thing because wolves are soooooo, soooooooo fucking beautiful! Ahhh! Why
else would people get them tattooed on em for fuck sake, you know what I mean? Its not like
its a fucking cockroach or something that looks ugly. Everything is beautiful in its own right
obviously but facial appearances? Wolves are stunningly beautiful. The Native Americans, the
natural Americans, whats the word? I dont know, I cant be fucking pc at the moment. All the
Americans beforethey fucking say that the wolf in us is fear, anger, resentment, addiction,
everything, yeah I fucking kkknowwwww! Oh my God. Anyway, this has been catharticIs
that the word to describe it? I fucking wish I swallowed a dictionary like Aldous Huxley
sometimes I really do. Im getting it across in my own way though right hrmph- hopefully?
Fuck Id love to send this to Russell Brand to see what he has to fucking say about this shit
as hes going to know all about addiction and shit. I cant begin to describe the fucking writhing
shit, and this is, but evenand this is how it was like a wolfit was ohhhh fuck!Aw Jesus!
Anyway, without meaning to blaspheme as he was just a fucking lovely fella who ate a load of
mushrooms in India I reckon and went over to Christian (?) and said look dudes, Seriously chill
the fuck out, coz what the fuck? But anyway, enough of the Jesus stuff, erm, what the fuck was
I saying? Yeah, the wolf, the fucking spitting shit, it was fucking there. I had it, well not had it,
you know what I mean, it was there, it was symbolic of everything, but it looked right...
Seriously, if you were into sci-fi shithonestly you could not begin to describeThat thing in
the book, or the film, with the shaman, something to do with a colour I think, anyway people
will know what Im talking about and Ill add it in brackets later on (Blueberry) but that films
got it fucking close, Im fucking telling you thats got it close. Imagine that, but in technicolour

242

times nine million roughly, cant put a figure on it, cant put words to it, words fucking fail
You cant define something which has no limit, and this is the fucking thing see, this is what it
all comes down toPain, fear, anger has no fucking limit! Its the same as love has no fucking
limit. They are both fucking limitless. (Huge dry heave and spits.)
Throughout all the middle of this Im aware... I want to spit all this shit out of me, you know
what I mean by the way, and I need to get it out, but then I though should I just sort ofto carry
itIf Im going to be able to help as shaman, which I fucking really want to be able to do, thats
my fucking lifes goal at the moment, Im going to fucking do it now, especially after seeing
this, this fucking nights beautiful experienceerm, should I be puking it now? I know fuck!
I know my addictions or whatever, I dont want to give up weed, Im not physically addicted
to it but I depend on it for sleep. I dont depend on it, I dont give a fuck if I dont sleep anymore
anywaywhatever, Im passed the fact that Im addicted to weed, thats not the question but I
need to address my fucking use of it, becauseI take the piss basically. Some people smoke
every day if theyve got medicinal problems.... maybe I have got medicinal problems, but just
covering up my anxiety by not fighting it. Maybe my anxiety is my (lots and lots of nasty noisesalmost puked) -there we go, theres a fucking clear sign, my anxiety is my addiction at the
moment. Im addicted to that shit and I dont fucking want to be anymore. (More heaving)
Fucking, you know what I mean? I was all going la de da Im all cleared of it and shit, but its
just like the enlightenment stuff. Its the first stages hrmph. This is some deep sea deeeeeeep
seated shit this you know what I mean? Try all your life- more or less since you get into the
double blinds isnt it? That Alan Watts talks so brilliantly about. Look up Alan Watts and double
blinds and how culture and how everything Ive been telling you throughout this whole book
coz its fucking trueerm, but cultures not your friend We just live this fucking lifeand its
feeding fear and hate, and this is what weve got to get away from, and this is not just my little
thing with addiction but its the whole fucking huge picture in the world obviously because as
Ive said in the most beautiful of ways life is reflected in the smallest and largest of things like
a fractal. My life is a reflection of the whole, and I want the whole to be beautiful so Ive got to
make my life beautiful- make sense? Perfect fucking sense to me. Which is why I contacted my
friends whore away the other day, coming back in December, and Ive offered the option of a
cheap place to live for a year or two, while they save money for a deposit for mortgage, which
I still havent got into their heads that they dont want a mortgage- its a fucking death grip. Just
save until you have the money to buy the house outright, if you could do that it would be much
quicker in the long run. Id love to have them here for that long. Id give it to them for nothing
if the book works out, come and live here. That would be my gift to my dearest friends that Ive
known for a long time and Id fucking love to do thatYou could help me by spreading word
about this book. See this helps in sooooo many waysFuck! These are really nice people and
its worth helping them out by the way. Anyway, I think Im not going to puke. Ive decided,
like I say, I need to keep this shit in me so I knowIm going to keep it in the furthest, deepest,
deepest, deepest corner, along with the shitey aspects of my egoIm just going to keep putting
things into this every now and then, put them into that horrible darkhonestlysecretIm
going to lock it up with the biggest fucking mind vault ever. This shits never getting out! But
its there as a lesson to me so I knowwhatever it is, it manifests in so many different forms.

People know what Im on about. Some people have chosen to face it and puked it out, shat it
out, however, but they feel better after, but Im keeping it in it seems. I feel sick but its not
coming out-Ive just fucking waffled for agesAnyway, throughout the whole fucking battle
with these snarling, fucking, facing, lashing, fucking shite thats at you like growl growl!I
didnt beat it for good I dont think, but I was just you know yeah I did, I fucking...
becauseIm not sure if I beat it but the only time I knocked it away every time, the only time
it fucking quesh- the only thing that made it question its malevolence and all fucking knowing
evil-Im going to fucking consume fucking shitey attitude...The only fucking time I pricked
that armour- you dont need me to fucking say whats coming next do ya? Hrmph. Im not going
to use a word because you cant describe itits the same as the beast Im trying to describe so
very eloquently in my own words, but you cant describe this either, well you can, or people
have tried to describe with a word, what I beat this fucking beast down withand its, fuck it,
you might think Imno, no, I dont need to put that label on it, and its wrong saying label
because its a beautiful word- right shut up with that anyway Right- Love, basically, I grabbed
my images of loveright Ive being doing this mediation stuff where I try to suck in all the
hate and fear, start local with friends and get bigger, suck in hate, and breathe out love, that sort
of meditation. I dont do it often but I try it... It was like okay, you want to do all that shitalthough you cant see all this stuff in the day to day it fucking goes on, and it was like- you
want to do all that shit? Okay, this is what youve got to beat Ive seen the fucking beast now
man- its fucking huuuuuge. Needs a lot of fucking work to knock this fucking cunting bastard
thing down right! Okay? See what I mean about swearing? Fucking, cunty fucking, fucking,
fucking, cunty bastard fuck face that it isis fucking huge and it needs a lot of fucking work!
The chinks in the armour came when I fucking wrapped up balls of love and I boomed them at
it, like Ethan was saying boom, boom, boom, smash, then I realised or thought I had to puke
this shit out so I came to the toilet, fucking started puking, and its still- honestly the visionsIve
got to go and check the time now as this will be fucking interestingIts now fucking twenty
to two. Its been an hour and ten minutes since I launched, started this journey and discovery of
what the fuck it is Im finally facing and have been trying to beat and I got it! The fucking
answer to everything, not to put too finer point on it, which I try to avoid, because the answer to
everything is- you cant define everything obviously pfff, so the answer to that question is that
word I was talking about. Give you a clueanyway, Ive said it about nine million times
recently through this thing and Im going to say it again, because this is how Im going to end
the book now, erm, Im going to end the booksigh- I should maybe not end the book while
Im peeing Im trying to pee by the way, Ive got one hand on my willy I am sorry to sayIve
finally decided this puking is not going to happen yet, maybe I need to go the Amazon to fucking
beat it or not- or maybe I can carry it as that little reminder in that fuckingnot a closet, a vault,
maybe I need to keep it I dont know. I know I need to clear the actual physical toxins out of my
body so Im still going to the Amazon Thats not why Im going to the Amazon, I got some
very serious questions to ask of some serious people. Well, theyre not theyre serious, theyre
chilled out but theyre important people...pwfwwwfwfwfw (the lip shuffle- you know what I
mean?).I dont know who they are yet but theyre very important to meSo, Im going to
finish my book, Ive finished my pee and Im not puking tonight, Ive just discovered. . . it was
a lesson, we all learn lessonswe all learn lessons? We all have lessons to learn, and we all
learn them, well, some of us learn themanyway, forget all that. So yeahhow the fuck right?

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Anywayhow do I end the book? Obviously I dont want to end it with puke coming out
everywhere, its not exactly nice, but its just symbolicWe all need to purge this poo. I asked
the question and I got the answers in a big fucking way, some people will know what Im talking
about I Suppose I best talk about the journey a bit. I had the three huge rips, I finished it off
actually, it was perfectly loaded the amount in fact as cleared with the third ripBy the time I
finished the fucking second one the fucking world around me stopped. It was like kitchen
tilesfucking oh, beautiful ceramic sort of weird tiles just flew in around the whole of my- like
jzoom jzoom jzoom jzoombut they seemed to have a white and purple pattern, anyway, I cant
go deeply into this shit as words fail when describing a vision but at the start the world around
me stopped, so I was like fuck, here we go, and its running through my head (impersonates TM)take the third hit, take the third hit! So I was like fuck it, lets go, take the third hit cleared it
finished the thing nicely and then I laid back and closed my eyes. And it seemed to start nice,
Im pretty sure it seemed to start nice, like a normal vision, and then the healing, or the answers,
however you want to put it, the fight, the interior fight, the exterior fight I suppose, because in
the end I was just opening my eyes- Oh the fucking moths back again! Its a fucking Oi!Im going to turn the light out again, hang on (click) Just coz Im turning the light out it isnt
any different coz its like fucking its still my voice hrmph. Ive stopped puking and
everything now as you can tell, but anywayyeah so, the internal battleLove beats hate, hate
is fearand this is the thingI dont know whether the government and whether these people,
because theyre called keepers of the secrets of the ages and shit like that aint they, all these
secret powers, and theres all the stuff to do with the tree of knowledge in ancient times, and
allllllll that sort of side of things with freemasons being buried with a bit of akaceya confhoosh,
blurp!-Acacia Confusa, or whatever, on their coffins apparently according to a friend of mine
who is related to one and thats weird isnt it? So, if they know all this stuff and they have access
to higher forms of intelligence then they could be part of the bigger pictureits like you see
what I mean? Hide and seek and getting bored or whatever, lessons and teachingsThe BEST
way to go through any teaching is to face it, to beat it, to fuckingthe way to beat the beastback to the chinks in the armour- is with loveNow, are they helping us evolve, are they that
smart, are they that good? Or are they just greedy selfish cunts that listen to the beast rather than
the beautiful side of things. I tend to sway to the latter rather than hoping that they are part of
some great big picture. I do hope that they are part of some great big picture, but for now theyre
just greedy cunts, with no compassionand not an ounce of love in themThey need to be
loved again, by somebody, by all of us, so exiling them- probably not the right ideaThey need
a fucking good tech. as Terence would say, they need a fucking good shaman. Maybe if
honestly, I could be fucking likewho knows? I was told I was amazing and had the potential
to do anything and I know thatI could be like the Young Master, Jackie Chan, who goes to
train to do all this stuff to become the ultimate martial artist- that could be me, hardly young or
a martial artist, but to become the ultimate shaman who at one point will grab all of these
governmental politicians, elite banking cartel mother fucking corporation assholes! Grab em
all into fucking one room and turn em into non-assholesroughly, bluntlyspeaking, you
know what I mean? In a nutshell. Zap em with love! Beat the beast ha-ha, that would be good.
I dont know how long thats going to take but its a mission Im prepared to accept should I be

given it, probably not on one of them tape recorder things that Im talking on to now that will
self-destruct in some fucking Hollywood bollocks, but, by talking to a plant, which I will do
again, because they know a lot more than us- natures alive and talking to us, this is not a
metaphor.- Huhhh, love now- Matthew Silver is the best way to quote to end this book, two
words, dont just think about doing it you know what I mean? As soon as this is published Im
off to see my family its the first thing I do. The first thing I do as I havent seen them in a
while Pfwfwfwfw... ObviouslyYeah, two words to end the book as Im waffling and I got
to get out of this toilet- Im fucking stood in the toilet, hang on let me just get out into the lightno I can turn the light back on now I think hes gone (click) Thirty-Seven minutes later! I
reckon at a guestimate, total vision length was about forty to fifty minutes initial stage in my
bedroom, before ten minutes or so in the loo before grabbing the dictaphone where it was all
pretty intense still, so about an hour all told of visions. A fucking hour- yeah, those harmalas
work, and the dmt was obviously pretty fucking strong or clean, pure- however you want to put
it. I didnt really describe the beast, and its difficult to do, as maybe different people see
different things anyway, but from what Ethan told me then I think we saw the same thinglashing beasty, fucking snarling, writhing, tempting beautiful but ugly, loathing, dangerous,
horrible shiteI boshed it with love all over the place, bouncing around my room, vzoom
vzoom vzoom in some epic eternal- well internal and exterior battle going on- aw, oh, it was
just fucking crazy. Obviously the vision was..fucking very intense, like I say it felt like I was
pissing the bed so had more than just visual aspects, but this was just like ha-ha, look at you and
all that, but I was just like pfft is that all you got? Maybe that wasnt wise, because I dont
know, it started to get really fucking nasty, although this was an epic experience eventually it
was getting fucking nasty at the time and Im fighting it, like ahhhh my God, in that sort of
essence, I mean Im fighting it, and this is why it felt good in the end, because I sussed out how
to beat it eventually- whatever it is you want to call it, be it addiction or fear or whatever Like
I thought I had cured all of my problems, but I obviously hadnt as was exemplified by a little
bit of social anxiety on a big old trip at Ozora, which again although it wasnt nice told me I
wasnt finished with the healing, anyway, Ive talked about that, Okay, what better way is there
to end the book? Its going to take me a fucking shitload of time to type this out tomorrow, erm,
I hope Ethans finished my cover Ive got to ring him, he wont mind if I wake him up, yeah
fuck it, I got to ring him now. Ive got to go and ring him so Im going to end this speech, Im
going to end the book. Two words- Matthew Silvers got it right- Love
noooooooowwwwwwwwwww- no, that aint right, sorry thats just the cheesiest, corniest
ending in the world and its not right. (Heavy sigh) See, I saw that woman on London Real who
was an author and she told me you would know when the books right- she didnt tell me
obviously, shes telling lots of other people, but that was the info I got from it, she was struggling
with her first book knowing whether it was ready, and then at one point she just knew. I know
mines ready, or more or less readyI think Ive managed to sum up in this last little bit
brilliantly hrmph, I did question whether I could do that before, or wish Id taped previous talks,
but ha-ha, this ones so much more original hrmphAnyway, its nearly ended, the books
nearly finished, the next chapter of my life is about to start. I just want to help other people, by
helping their lives we help the planet eventually, its a long way to start chipping around, and
maybe protesting and getting rid of governments as they really need to go to help us or maybe,
maybe they do need to stay around forever, well, a bit longer at least to help us truly know that

246

love is the answer. Not just love now, thats the way to answer, to finish my book, not answer
my book, answer the question to how to finish my book I suppose. Love is the answer
Goodnight, God bless. Thats me blessing you, and you blessing you by the way, cick-cick,
(winking sound if that makes sense?) in case you didnt fucking know all that. If I havent got it
through to you thengo and read some Alan Watts like I say, the dudes pretty fucking clever,
shame hes dead but he was a hero of mine like Terence Mckenna, erm, my dad is another hero
of mine.oh, how the fuck to say it, I just really hope I can make my dad proud. I feel I havent
done that for a long time, although Im just basing that on normal values that people judge stuff
on like careers and stuff like that, and I know my dad is a bit more intelligent than that, cickcick, coz obviously hes in my familyNo, hes fucking clever really, seriously. I know he
loves me for whatever reason obviously, but I want to make him proud. If this book can
make.if it can make a dent in the fuck wad of a problem weve got in the world called fear,
hate, loathing and shit- if it can make the smallest dent in that problem, like the chinks in the
armour of the beast when I was chucking stuff through that visionhealing, vision, cathartic
episode, all of that shiteIf- its a big if, but if I can dent that beast then Im sure my dad will
be proud, as well as my mum obviously. I just want people to be proud of me but, its not as
important as me going to see them and telling them I love them and giving them a great big
fucking hug soon. They are my immediate family, you are my big family, youre my tribe,
youre my clan, youre my brethren, youre my brothers, youre my sisters, you are me. Erm,
just trying to hopefully help people work that outbecause when you do work that out, and you
realise all the shite that gets embodied in so many ways is just trying to fucking peg that back
and its all a lesson. . . It is all a lesson and its just to turn us into what were meant to be, or
maybe to come down and remind us- maybe fallen angels, I dont fucking know any of that stuff
you know what I mean buttheres a place called home, and maybe here is to prepare us for it,
maybe weve never been home, I dont knowI dont know all the answers, I wish I did-no I
dont wish I did, I told you I like the mystery, I know enough to be able to help me with the rest
of this little life here on earth, Ive got my mission, Im on it I almost had the end of the book
then, I was, I should have just ended with I want to make people proud of me and that would
have been fucking awesome perhapsmaybe. Anyway, bollocks! Fucking bollocks! Oh, I know
how to end the book, its just struck me hrmphJust remember this right, get it into your head,
tap it out, fucking tattoo it on your head if you want to like some strange people do I dont know,
but yeah, just remember the title of the book basically and thats how Im going to end it,
beginning of it, end if it, come full circle, continuous flow, fucking ying-yang, bigger bog a
boo! Everything- microcosm. See, thats a word Ive used a lot tonight I like that onemicrocosm, everything that it is and everything that it encapsulates in its essence, however
fucked up and strange that may well be- the whole book I mean- the lessonand the lesson?You are amorsome!

Rhubarb
Does freedom have a taste?
Rhubarb say I if I had to place
The last time I had it I was only wee
Sat upon my mothers knee
Familiar but weird, this will o the wisp
Like snow in summer; warm but crisp

Memories of it are so very frail

The ocean to a captive whale
Out of reach but within our grasp
A distant echo, locked in glass.
A hammer to the case Ill take
All my might might make it break
Glass is shattered- bonds are sheared
The sound of freedom greets the ears

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread

Is often with good reason said
Sniff the air first and get your feet wet
Touch the grail and get yourself set
Now is the time and always will be
Eat the rhubarb and set yourself free

248

Pathways
All on different roads to the same destination
At multiple points of varying degree
In the rear view mirror, fear and segregation
Ahead lays hope, as far as eye can see
No more shadows full of doubt
We now have this to shout about
So sing, dance, rejoice and laugh
One day soon well be on the same path