sayhellotoallyournewregrets

Ivebeenlayingdowninthisbedfor
127consecutiveminutes
breathinginmyownstalebreath.

Theflowersyouboughtme
arewiltingonthewindowsill
andi'mintoit.

I'vebeenfloatingontheprecipiceofdeathfor270consecutivedays.
Myeulogyisleakingfromtheceiling.

drip
drip
drip

d
r
i
p
w
e
w
i
l
l
n
e
v
e
r

f
o
r
g
e
t
h
i
s
s
m
i
l
e

Thelandlordreallyoughtafixthat...
Atleastwedon'thaverats.

droppedcalls

Icanbarelyliftmyeyelidsanymore.

Ithurtstobreathebecauseexisting
feelsworsethandrowning.

Didyouknowicanholdmybreathforafullminute.
Idoitwithalarmingfrequency.

Sometimes,wheniamtalkingtomymother
onthephoneitrytomakemyselfblackout.

Whatbetterexcusetostopansweringhertediousquestions?

Please,
tellme
howto
makeit
stop.

fukc

Whatamidoing?
I'manidiot.

Noyou'renot.
Thesefeelingsarenormal,
theyhappentoeveryone.

Notheydon't,
you'relying.
Youdonthavetolietomakemefeelbetter.
Itdoesn'tevenwork.
Iseerightthroughyou.

Itsfunnythatyousaythat
becauseifyoureallydid
you'dknowiloveyou
andthati'malwaysgoing
tobehereforyou
forever
andever.

That'sdisgusting,
Idontevenlikeyou.
Iknowyoudontlikemeeither.
Youthinki'manidiot...
Youtellmethings
youknowiwanttohear
outofpity.
Haha,fuckoff.

Itdoesntmatterwhatyousaytome.
Ifitmakesyoufeelbetter,
Illletyoucutmeintopieces
andsewmebacktogether.
IwantyoutofeelWHOLE.

Whydoyoukeepsayingthesethings?
Itmakesithardertohateyou.

Ithinkthatmeanswe'remakingprogress...
Iloveyou.

Fuck,
Stopthat.
Don'tsaythingslikethat.
Don'tlookatmelikethat.
FUCKFUCKFUCK

lololol.txt

You'recrying
because
theyleftyou.

Youlookatme
likeyouknow
whati'mgonnasay.

Ilightmycigarette,
butit'sraining
soitgoesoutimmediately.

"Igaveyougoodadvice,youshouldhavelistened."

You'recryingandlaughingatthesametime.
It'sbeautiful,
It'stragic,
Ifeellikeanasshole.

Ithurtswhenyoufallinlovewithsomeone
andyou'retryingtoplugalltheleaksinyourbrain
spillingoutallyourfears
like,youknowwhenyou'redrinkingwater
becauseyou'redehydrated
andit'stheonlywaytogetrid
ofthisconstantacheinyourhead,
butyoutrytobreathatthesametime
whichyouhavetodotokeepyourheartbeating,
butyoucan'tdothematthesametime
becauseyou'regoingtostartchoking?
Yeah,that'swhatitfeelslike.

Haha,that'sprettyromantic.
Itmakesmewanttovomit.

Yeah,
Iknow.
I'manidiot.
Idothistomyself,
completelycontentinmyignorance.

That'sterrible,
butIunderstand.

Weareallawalkingmessofcontradictions.
Whatlosers.

whatareyoulookingatpleasehelpmeunderstand

WhatamIidoinghere?
Whereishere?

WhoamI?
WhyamI?
Whoareyou?

Didyouhearme?
are
you
here
w ith
ME?
are
you
here
inme
?
wHy?
WWhy?
whY
???
who
evEn
caRe
S?

IcantrememberwhatIam
SOupsetabout?
Ican'trememberwhoIam...
IdontevenknowhowIgothere?
canIfeel,
like,reallyfeel?

to
u
CH
me

canyou
FEEL
me?

like,
really
F
E
eL
me?

TimesSq42ndst

Howmanytimes
canyousquaretime
beforeitisofnoconsequence?

Howmanytimes
canyouvomituntil
yourinsides
becomeyouroutsides?

What?
Whyareyousoangry?
Ithoughtthisiswhatyouwanted

Youarelostinyourownlabyrinth?
Howinconvenient...
Youreallyshouldhaveinstalled
somesortofemergencyexit.
Whatwereyouthinking?

Oh...
Youwerent?
Iguessthatmakessense...
Inawaythatcompletelyignoresallcommonsense.

You'resuchafool,butyou'reJustanotherfool.

March302014

TodayIwasscrollingthroughfacebookwhenInoticedthemanwhomolestedmelastThanksgivinguploadedanew
profilepicture.Inthephotohewascroucheddowninagraveyardnexttoatombstonewithhisnameonit.Isilently
wishedhewasdeadanddidn'tfeelbadaboutit.

LastFridayIwasdrunkenlystumblingtotheGtrainwithafriendImetontheinternet,
whenthemanwhomolestedmelastThanksgivingcalledme(presumablydrunkenly).Iblockedhisphonenumber.

TodayIwasstandingintheshowerstaringatthelumpofbluestrandsslippingthroughmyfingers.Iattributemy
recentincreaseinhairlosstostress,butitcouldalsobebecauseIhaven'teatenanythingtodayasidefromtwolarge
glassesofcoffee(threesugars).

Ihaven'tgonetomypsychiatristinover9monthsbecauseI'membarrassedtoshowupafterforgettingtocancelmy
appointmentthatinadvertentlyfellonadaymyexboyfriendfromhighschoolwasvisitingformybirthday.Wespent
thatweekarguingmorethanwedidwhenweweredatingandhaven'treallyspokenmuchsince.

TodayIwastextingsomeoneIwasinfatuatedwithforasolidthreeweeks,respondingwithnomorethanthree
words.InevertoldthemhowIfelt,butrathershowedthemeverysinglepoemIwroteaboutthemoverthecourseof
thelastthreemonths.Theyhaven'tsaidanything,butIhonestlypreferitthatwaybecauseIdon'tknowifIcould
handleitiftheydid.

TodayIwokeupat3:54pmtothesoundofmysoontobeformerroommateexchangingidlechitchatwithmysoon
toberoommate.Iwalkedoutinatoweltousetherestroomandranintomysoontoberoommate
Itriedtofeigninterestintheidlechitchat,butwasnotcoherentenoughtoreplywithanymorethanthreeword
responses.NoonecanpayrentuntilFridayandIshouldbemoreworriedaboutitthanIam.

TodayIrealizedIhaven'twrittenanewpoeminatleasttwoweeksanditmademealittleworriedaboutthe
possibilitythatthedraftformybookwillbesittinginmydocumentsfolderuntitledindefinitely.

TodayIthoughtaboutsendinganemailtosomeoneImetatapartylastSaturdayaskingthemoutforcoffeejustto
seewhattheywouldsay,butIdidnt.IthinktheywouldrespondifImentionedsmokingajointeventhoughpot
makesmeanxious.

TodayIthoughtabouthowIwrotemorewhenIwashopelesslyinfatuatedwithsomeonethatprobablywouldnever
feelthesameandIwasn'tsurehowtofeelaboutit.Iwantsomeonetobrushmyhair,butIdon'tknowwhotoask.I
keepthinkingthatitwouldbenicetokissastranger,butIhaven'tactedonit.

TodayIamsittingonthemattressmyexboyfriendfromhighschoolboughtmeformylastbirthday.IamcoldandI
amalone.Idon'twanttoturnontheradiatorbecauseIamalreadysweating.Icoulddrymyhair,butIdon'tfeellike
moving.IfeellikeIshouldtalktosomeone,butIamafraidofgettingnomorethanthreewordresponses.

Ifeellikethisisgettingextremelyredundant,butI'mnotsurethatIcare.

uppers

Iwokeupat1pmtoday.
Ihavesinceconsumed3cupsofcoffeeandanadderall.
Iamsittinginbedrightnow.
Ihaveonlyleftfourtimes.
Threetowalktothekitchenforcoffee
andoncetowalktomydresserforadderall.

Iwonderif,inretrospect,itwaspossiblyabadidea
towashtheadderalldownmythroatwithblackcoffee?
Nonetheless,Iamstaringatmycomputerscreen.
Thesameasidoeveryday,
exceptmywordsperminutehasincreasedexponentially.
Ireckonthaticouldpossiblyperformreallywellasasecretary
undertheconditionthatiwasconstantlyonadderall.

Whatwasisaying?
Ohyes,Iamstillstaringatmycomputerscreen
Ithoughtmaybeicouldworkonmybooktoday.
Yeah,theoneIstartedinNovember.
Yeah,theonethat'sallaboutsomeoneItryreallyhard
toactivelyremindmyselfIamnolongerinlovewith.

Iamcurrentlyintwoseparatechatwindows
talkingtotwoseparatepeoplewhomofwhichbothhavetheinitials"M.J."
Maybethatwasn'tworthmentioning

Anyway,Iamstillstaringatmycomputerscreen.
Wow,Iwonderifiwilleverfinishthisbook.
Iamthinkingmaybeidontwanttofinishthisbook,
becausemaybewhenifinishthisbooktheperson
itisaboutwillfinallyrealizeit'saboutthem.

Wow!
Ihaveliterallyshownthemseveralpoems
aboutthemandtheyhaven'tsaidanything.
Thatsalie.
Oncetheyaskedmeifmypoemswereaboutanyone.
Itoldthemyesandtheysaid,

Iknewit!

Haha,it'sfunnybecauseapoemIwrotepriortothatconversationisactuallyaboutthat.

Mypoemhadabetterending.

iwasgoingtowriteyoualetterbuticouldntfindanygoodstationary

Lifeissimultaneouslybreathtakinglybeautifulandutterlyhorrid.

Itscaresme.

IkeephavingadreamthatIampeelingofmyskinandfoldingitneatlynexttomyself,
lyingontheasphaltandhopingIwon'tgethitbyabus.

Iwasnevergoodattrustexercises.
Icouldneverletmyselffall.
It'saromanticnotion,butIjustseeitasfoolish.
Hownaiveisittothinksomeoneelsewillcatchyou
eventhoughtheylikelywillalsotumbleintheprocess?

Iamjaded,yes.Iamstilltryingtodecideifthishurtsmoreorlessthanhavingapromisebroken.

ishouldnthavetakenacidwithyou

IamonmywaytoaBBQandIfeelreallyAmerican.

ThecabdriverjusttoldmeherecommendsSapporobecauseit'scheapandbetterthanmaltliquor.

HejustranintothebackofanSUVandtalkedtheownerofthecardownto$100fordamages.

Iamonarooftop.

Youarehereandwearebothonacid.

I'mthinkingaboutNeonIndianandhowthatguyisreallyboring
.
Youjusttoldmeyouhaveacomprehensivelistofeveryoneyoukissedandwhatyouwereonwhenithappened.

I'monthatlistandIdon'tknowhowIfeelaboutit.

Thereisagirlhere,sheisalsoonthelist.

Herboyfriendseemstoreallyhateyouforit.

Iguessthat'snormal,buthestillseemslikeanasshole.

Therearealotofprettypeoplehere.

Ifeeldirtyandalarminglyselfaware.

Wonderingifhealthyrelationshipsareamyth.

Wonderingifselflovecaneverbepermanent.

Ithinkthatmaybeit'shardtolovewithouthurt.

Ithinkthatmaybelove'sfinalformisafaceswollenfromcryinginpublic.

Iwanttokisssomeone,butIdon'tknowhowtotellthem.

Iwanttowakeupinthemorningandbeinadifferentbody.

IwanttolovemyselfmorethanIhavelovedanyoneelse.

It'saworkinprogress.

feral

ThinkingabouthowhardIusedtotrytobetheperfectgirlandhowIwasneversatisfied.Howitjustmademedigup
aholetoputallmyrealfeelingsin.Afterawhileitbeganoverflowing,soIstoppedleavingbed.Iwouldfindrazors
onthesidewalkandkeepthem.IrememberthefirsttimeIheldoneinmyhand,thinkingtomyself"it'snottoolateyet
allIhavetodoisdropthis."Ikeptitinasmallpocketinmycoat."Forprotection"Ireassuredmyself.Iwascareful
onlytobreakskininplaceswheretheanswer"Iwasplayingwithastraycat"wouldsatisfycuriosity.Thenthere
werethelessdetectableways.Theonesnoonewouldaskaboutbecausewewereallsoyoungandwild.Swallowing
varioustypesofpoisonuntilIwouldloselargeblocksoftime.ThinkingIjustwantedtogotosleepandneverwake
up.RealizingIcouldn'thideeventhen.Comingtowalkingaroundtownbarefootinthemiddleofanintersectionat4
inthemorningandnotknowinghowIgotthere.RunningintostrangerswhoaskedwhatkindofdrugsIwason.
BrushingthemoffbecauseIwasn'tonany.Iwouldsleepwithpeopleiftheywantedme.Ineverwantedthem,but
thatdidn'treallymatter.Someofthemwouldyellatme.Onetoldmehowiftheyweretheirfathertheywouldbeatme.
Myfriendwastherewhenthathappened.Icriedforawhileandhetoldeveryoneitdidn'tseemthatbad.Icriedand
triedtofightoneofthemoff,buthedidn'tthinkitwasthatbad."Ithoughtyoulikedbeinghurt."Ibegantorealize
thatwasmyrole.Iwasthecrazyone.Thelostpetthatnooneeverputsignsupfor.Ididn'thaveahomeanymore.I
neverhadone.Ididn'tevenhavemyownbody.Iwasn'tsureifitwasmewhoranawayorifIhadbeenabandoned
anymore.Idoveintothatpitnotsolongagoandnearlydrowned.Ihidthingsfrommyselfforsolongnowthateven
thoughIknowIdon'thavetotrysohardtobesomethingIneverwasit'seasytorelapse.Idon'tleavebedmuch
latelyandI'mgettingworried.Inareallypassivewaybecauseitfeelsgood.Iwonderifit'sthesamewayIgetarush
ofadrenalinewhenIstandontheveryedgeofarooftopandholdmybreath.I'mnotsure.IthinkI'mokay.Ihavea
bodyIcancallhomenow.

nitrousoxide

Whoareyou?

Youdon'tremember?WemetafewyearsagoinacollegetowninTexas.

Oh,shit!Ican'tbelieveIdidn'trecognizeyou...

It'sbeenawhile,don'tworryaboutit.

Ifi'mbeingcompletelyhonest...

Hm?

I'veconsciouslytriedtoblockoutthatportionofmylife.

Imean...Icouldunderstandwhy.

Ohright,youwerethereforthattime.andtheothertime,andtheother,andtheother.

I'msorry,maybeIshouldn'thavecome.Ididn'trealizeseeingmewouldaffectyouthismuch.

No...It'smyfault.Iknewthiswouldhappensoonerorlater.Iwantedtobenaiveagain.Ireallydid.

Wouldyoubehappier?

Maybe...foramoment.

Justamoment?

Ican'tsuspenddisbeliefforextendedperiodsoftime.

Ablessingoracurse?

Idon'trecall.

saltmakesmethirsty

I'msittinginabarthatlookslikeTexas,butsmellslikeBrooklyn.

Myuterusispunishingmefornotbreeding.

IhadadreamlastnightthatIhadadick.
IwokeupandcheckedifIhadone.
Ididn'tandwasdisappointed.

ThereismusicplayingIusedtolistentoinhighschool.

MybreathsmellsliketequilaandIwanttokisssomeone.

Mybodyloudlyagrees.

I'mfeeling.
feeling
again.
Notinabadway.
I'mnotsureifit'sagoodthing.

Imissbeingwalkingdistancefromopenairandfreshwater.

Imissnotknowingthatmostpeopledon'tcarewhathappenstome.

Imissnotcaringwhathappenstome.

IwantlovelikeIwanttovisitalibrarytorentyourfavoritebookandforgettoreturnit.

I'mnevergonnagiveyourthingsback.
Ihaven'tbeentakinggoodcareofthem.
Ishouldapologize,butwedon'ttalkanymore.

iwrotethisat4:48amandforgotaboutit

Therearedeadbugsinthelightingfixtures.

Ishouldbeusedtoseeingdeadbugs,butI'mnot.

Iwannatellyouhowmydaywas,butIdon'tcarehowyourdaywas.

Idon'tthinkthisrelationshipissymbiotic.

Iamnotsureifthatisevenpossible.

ThefeelingsIhadforyouarenomorethanadistanttremor.

Weretheyeventhereinthefirstplace?

Webothknowtheanswerisn'tworthtelling.

mutualmasturbation

Ican'tfakeit.
Ican'tfakeit.
IwishIrememberedhowtofakeit.
Seemsuseful.
I'mnotuseful

FUCK...

Mybodyisdeteriorating.
IthinkI'mdevelopingasmokerscough.

Ispenttoomuchmoneylastnight.
Ispendallmymoneyonweekends.

IthinkIlikebeingspankedmorethanIlikesex.
Idon'treallylikesex.

Idon'thaveanyofmyexloversphonenumbers.
AllmyexesliveontheInternet,
buttheyseemsodistant.
Ican'tcountthemallonmyfingers.
Ican'tcountthemall.
Idon'twantto.
Youcan'tmakeme.

Iwilldowhatyouwantmetodoifyoupayme.

Idon'tneedsympathy,butIwantit.

ideletedmyfacebookabout15minutesagoandifeelprettymuchthesame

Iwantittogoaway.
Iwanttohide.
WherecanIhide?
Wherewon'titfindme?
Where?
Where?
EREHW?

Ihaven'teverownedarecordplayer.
Idon'tknowhowtheywork.

Iwanttoskipthissegmentoverandoverandover.

Idon'townatv.
Ithinkmyparentshaveone.
IwishIhadallthegoodpartssavedandorganizedalphabeticallyforefficiency.

Ican'trememberthemanymore...
Maybetheyneverreallyhappened.
Iheardthatmostchildhoodmemoriesareliesyoutoldsomanytimesyouthinkthey'reyourpast.

CanIliemyselfintoabetterfuture?
CanI?CanI?CanI?

Please?
Iremember
ThatIhavetobeg
toreallygetwhatIwant.

Ithinkmaybeit'spossible,
ifIthinklongenough.
IfIfeelitreally,really,reallyhard.

I'mclickingmyheels.
Click,
click,
click,
left,
right,
scroll,
scroll.
Who'sgonnabringmehometonight?

Baby...Baby...Baby...
WasIreallyeverone
IfIdon'thaveanypictures?

Mylifestartsatthree.
Thereisnothingbeforethat.
Notmuchtobeginwithinthefirstplace.

Ithinkmaybeit'sokay,butIreallyhaven'tthoughtmuchaboutit.

Iateallmyicecream.
Iwantmore.
Iwanttofreezemyself
Untilyou'realldead
andicanbealonefor
really,
really,
really.

Skip,
pause,
rewind,
pause,
skip,
doubleclick.
Lickitup,Baby.
Savortheflavor.
Feelitagainandagain.
Swishitinbetweenthoseswollengums.
Mmm,
fresh,
filthy.
Justthewayitwastheveryfirsttime
likeitneverwillbeagain.

Flash
flesh.
Openup.
Doesitfeeldifferentnow
thatwe'renumb?
Kissit.
Suckouttheimpuritiestheyleft,
impartnoneofyourown.

Canyoufeelit?
Yeah,Ithinkso.
Haha,
wow!
Idon'tthinkitwaslikethis...
Imean,
Idontthink.
Icantremember.
Because
Idont...
What?
What?
What?
WherewasI?