21/07/2014 03:24 Am I awake yet?

- Fred Davies | Advaita Vision

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Am I awake yet? Fred Davis
So, am I awake yet, or what?
by
Fred Davis
I edit Awakening Clarity, a Nondual blog, and as a
result of that I get emails from the four corners of the
worlds. A fair number of them express confusion.
The writer has had some sort of spiritual experience.
And now they want to know where they are on the
spiritual map. One response that arises here when
someone asks me something along the line of, Hey,
am I awake, or what? is exactly this:
If youre concerned about whether youre awake or not, then youre notat least not right now. Such
a question simply would not occur to conscious awakeness. Generally, in fact, given the nature of the
situation the person is writing in about, and their choice of language their letter contains convincing
evidence that they are not awake right nowat least not in the way they are asking about. In truth,
everyone is always equally awake, so all we are ever talking about is whether or not we are consciously
awake, knowingly awakeright now. If we can get clear on this we can see that theres no room left for
higher or lower, better or worse, more spiritual or less. All of those things spring from beliefs,
opinions, and positions (BOPs), which conscious awareness simply doesnt have. The apparently
separate being its working through will certainly have a broad array of BOPsthats essentially what a
separate being isbut not the awakeness behind it. You will understand, of course, that language is
failing us here; we do what we can.
Lest we now jump over to the other side and pull a quick and oh-so-typical Spiritual 180 (as I call
them), lets listen to a wise friend of mine. A couple of weeks ago, when I shared the fact that I thought
I was going to write this article, he immediately shot me the following terrific advice:
[In referring to this article...] Its a good idea, but there is one important caveat that needs to be
included. One should watch out for that desire going underground and manifesting as a certainty
and confidence that I am awake. Before, I was in doubt. Fred said that this doubt is a sign that I am
not awake. Therefore I have seen through this, and no longer have the question.
Do you see how tricky all of this is? Its unbelievable. You can hardly dance for stepping on your own
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feet! One thing to notice is how the mind loves to shift 180 degrees, from one half of the Tai Chi (yin
yang) to the other. This is a guarantee that we are still operating in duality. Nonduality means not-
two, which also means not-two-halves, not-two-180s. It means a single undivided thing, or no-thing, if
you prefer. Once again language is betraying us.
Unless you entered this teaching with an extraordinarily light load of karmawhich I most assuredly
did nottheres almost no way to weave through the apparent awakening process without making lots
of foolish mistakes. I have been an absolute unholy fool in all of this for 30 years running. The under-
appreciated Bonehead Way has clearly been my path, and often still is. Its ugly, but it does seem to
work. Im willing to be wrong, and to be seen to be wrongeven here, publicly, in printand to be
corrected by higher authorities (ouch!) if it means I get to see my errors of thought and action, and
thereby be given the chance to see through them. I will lead with my chin if its the only thing I have to
lead with. History shows that most of the time this is the case!
Part of what Im saying here is that it pays to want this thing a lot. Casual seekers beware. Or not.
Anything can happen, I am sure, but I dont know much of anything about any other kind of sureness.
So Im not saying that passion is required, but I am saying that it sure as hell helps. It also means
youre going to get ahead of yourself from time to time. My approach has been described as
unbridled passion. I think thats a fair assessment. I have the scars to prove it, and so do those
closest to me.
Thus Ive made embarrassing proclamations; made ugly errors in deed and word; Ive too often
unwittingly tortured those around me. In short, Ive repeatedly made an ass out of myself, as in. Hi,
Bill. have you noticed that Im basically the new, improved Ramana Maharshi? No? Well, it probably
doesnt show up for someone like you just yet. Others see it in me, I mean at least probably they do.
They should. At the very least, I see it! Once you get a little clearerif you ever doyoull easily be
able to spot it in me, too! In the meantime, hang on my every word, okay? Ive made this example far-
fetched in order to make my point humorously, but sadly enough, its not as far-fetched as Id like it to
be. Just because I dont stink as bad as the next guy doesnt mean I dont stink.
Another response that arises here to meet our question of, Am I awake yet, or what? doesnt attempt
to answer the question at all, but rather raises another question, or series of questions: Whos this you
whos claiming to be awake? Who is this you that cant seem to stay awake? Who woke up to begin
with? Gotcha.
I say that because when authentic being arises openly, the one common factor, regardless of
background, is that the one who appears to be experiencing this dramatic unveiling is now known to
be utterly nonexistent, at least in terms of autonomy. I knowfrom the standpoint of the mind, this is
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completely perplexing. However, from the absolute view, theres nothing to figure out. Its just the
way things are.
From the point of initial seeing onward, meaning from the point where we have had an authentic
glimpse of our true nature, the seeking game changes. Were no longer trying to move ahead into
clarity. Were done with all that nonsense, for goodness sake. Now, by God, were busily trying to
move back into clarity! A friend of mine dubs this oscillation. This seeking is even more fruitless
and deadlier than what we were doing before, because we usually have more openness and humility
before such an event than we do afterwards! Before, we knew we didnt know what we didnt know.
Now we think we do know what we dont know! Its pretty stagnating. So how does all of this happen?
More often than not, this freshly exposed, non-existent self quickly appropriates this new information,
adds it to its wealth of treasures that are designed to keep it special and separate, and then plows right
on, as deluded as ever, even though it knows better. So far as I know, theres no chance of actually
unseeing whats been seen. Theres no unringing that bell. Yet side-by-side with that knowing there
can and usually does exist denial of, and resistance to that very same knowing. To know That is to lose
me, which is a damn tough call until its not. Thus we have the paradox from hell that runs until it
doesnt. As close to the truth as words will allow is to say that the hoax itself perpetuates the hoax.
Sometimes this hoaxness even goes on to teach other people that they can be autonomous non-existent
beings too! Who said spirituality was pretty?
What I am speaking about is ego appropriating a spiritual experience and then using it to enhance
itself. You may think it cant or wont happen to you, but I can tell you that it happened to memore
than once. And it may again, who knows? I have enough respect for this trick that I have come to
name my ego Lazarus, because it wont die for more than three days at a time!
Lets talk about language for a moment. When I ask, Whos this you? and all that sort of thing, Im
not advocating staying away from personal pronouns; thats tiresome and patently ridiculous. We can
and do still use language provisionally. I love language, hence the writerness you are currently
witnessing. We can actually use words just the same as we did prior to coming to Nonduality, prior to
some experience of seeing-being, but with the tacit understanding that these words are now inherently
untrue. What Im saying is that due to the nature and context of the question that was given me (Am I
awake or not?), in that specific case I have sensed an underlying cloudiness in the questioner. It just
shows, like a petticoat shining below a womans skirt line. The reason I can see it is not because Im
some sort of Cool Nondual. I can see it because I ignorantly and innocently bloodied my nose in
exactly that same way against exactly the same mirrorover and over again. For years.
Let me go on to suggest that if we find ourselves tip-toeing through the language fields, that is, afraid
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to say, I need an aspirin, or I need to go to the bathroom, then we might want to check ourselves
and make sure that this careful tip-toeing is not a cover-up for our own unsureness, or else a move to
impress everyone with the implied proclamation, which is, Look at me! I am enlightened! Theres NO
ONE here, I say! I know all about this. Im guilty of having performed entire ballets of such figurative
tip-toeing. So what? Its common and its okay; its all part of the charade and theres no particular
shame in it. Yet the death of spiritual progress lies in believing these BOPs and remaining caught in
them. Its easier than you want to think. Believing our own positions, including the sweet lie that we
have no positions, happens most often when we are going it alone, as I did for a long, long time. I
didnt want help from anyone who might tell me I wasnt already awake! Which means I was caught in
an endless loop. I was going to my own ego for outside advice. And then taking it! Oops.
Any good teacherand there are a lot of them out therewill easily point out our error, and help us
remedy it by showing us the flaws in our thinking and then sending us back to the way of
experiencing. They help us climb down out of our heads and plant our feet back firmly onto terra
firma. Im confident we can even catch this thing on our own if were both willing and capable of being
absolutely honest with ourselves. Thats no easy trick. I couldnt do it, but if you can, my hat is off and
I wish you well.
Lets look at another common angle of confusion. All of these angles are related, by the way, because
following an apparent experience of truth theres just one mistake left to be made: immediate incorrect
identification. We may have seen-been something mind-blowing yesterday, but whats our experience
at this moment? Identification is an all or nothing game. So what Im saying is that sometimes
Fredness is 100% here, and sometimes Fredness is 100% not here. But theres never any 50/50
proposition; not unless Fredness is 100% here, but is lying to itself and declaring that its not here.
Dance step, foot mash, dance step.
To give a clearer, more general pointing, lets stick with talking about profound misidentification; there
are sharper lines to be seen. Say we have what appears to be a real seeing event. We know in our
hearts its authentic; it was genuinely self-confirming. Thats a tip-off. If its real, theres never any
doubt at the time. In the aftermath we are almost surely grokking things that weve never understood
before. Books that were thick muck are now joyful reading, all that sort of thing. Mysterious things
our teachers have told are now understood. Ive often laughed when such a thing bubbles up from long
ago, and I see, Damn, they were sharing obvious truth with me way back then. We have really and
truly seen the monkey ourselves as I sometimes put it. We get it. Everything is swell. Until suddenly
its not. The apparent seeing event may have lasted a few seconds or a few days, but however long it
lasts, at some point we begin to notice that its worn thin. Rather than living via experiencing, were
back caught in thought. Were now referencing our former experiencing through memory. Were back
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to living in interpretation instead of reality.
(By the way, its common for doubts about an awakening-type experience to arise later. Did that
really happen? Maybe theyre right, and I am crazy? We sometimes deny the truth as surely as
Jesus disciples denied him in the Garden of Gethsemane. We deny Self in favor of self. Oh well, were
only human. Arent we?)
Our blissful event, like any event, has passed, leaving us stranded as ordinary people in an ordinary
world. What a drag! We liked the specialness better! If this has happened to youas it did methen I
would say go take another look at my first two responses, because were essentially left with asking the
same question. True conscious awareness is perfectly content with the extraordinary ordinary. Every
story is seen to be equally unique and equally empty. In my opinion, any experiencing that runs
contrary to this is not coming from conscious awakeness. That doesnt mean we adopt the absolute
view as some philosophical view. The absolute view doesnt work as a philosophical view. Itll just
make you cold as hell and stupid as a stone. We dont want to tell a friend whos mate has just died
that its all hunky-dory, because their loved one was never with us in the first place. Thats not wisdom,
thats cruelty. Following an apparent seeing event, the attempted transference of absolute-level views
to the relative, or relative-level views to the absolute, is the cause of most of our confusion. And pain.
They just dont mix. Thats why they call all of this a paradox.
Whether were awake or not is really not all that confusing. The truth is, when were not functioning
from awakeness we simply dont want to see that were not. Thats what happens with me, even now. I
never fluctuate mentally any more. I know who I am 100% of the timeincluding when Im not acting
from it. There is no mental oscillation, and thus there is no longer any classic seeking. But I dont
know who I am 100% of the time in regard to how I feel, on the deepest gut level. As a result, there is
still subtle seeking. There is sometimes still some false sense of containership here, within which it
feels like consciousness is functioning, versus all the functioning happening within (and as)
consciousness. Many of my more recognizable negative behavior patterns are at last falling into line
with my understanding. But among other things, I still reach for a book, click on Google News, do a
chore ahead of time, or go to the computer to work on my site or my book in order to break mundane
boredom and keep the mind rollingtoward a future that simply doesnt exist. That boredom notion
will tell the tale. There is no mundane boredom in conscious awareness, because there is no mundane
to be found.
I can and do operate with clarity, understanding, and kindness. Most of the time. But I can certainly
still operate in denial and resistance, which are just two more names for unconsciousness. But through
it all, I will continue to share what I have from exactly where I am. I carry that what I have, for good
or ill, into the world when I go grocery shopping. I shout it daily in how I treat my wife and pets. And
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of course it goes into my writing, where I am honor bound to tell the truth as I know it at that
momentto both of us. What a wonderful warm bath this can be. It can also be a cold shower, when
truth and my perception are seen to be different. It happens. It passes.
For this moment, Im willing to be who I am, which includes accepting who I have been at every step in
this amazing life, whether on a seemingly pious spiritual path or a decidedly wicked one. Only from
this place of honesty, candor and surrender is Who I Really Am likely to come out of hiding and
consciously, knowingly, stay out of hiding. Until it doesnt.
* * * * *
2012, Fred Davis
Fred Davis is an antiquarian and technical bookseller whos been studying
Eastern wisdom for almost thirty years. He is the editor of the Nondual
website, Awakening Clarity, and author of Absolute Recovery, which Non-
Duality Press will publish this December. He is very happily married, loves
cats, and lives as a chiefly ignored hermit deep in the heart of the American
South.
Awakening Clarity
Awakening Clarity is about Self-realization; discovering and living as who
we really are. Whether this comes as event or process, sudden or slow, requires spiritual practices, or
transcends them, has been argued for thousands of years. Here we are not arguing. It unfolds as it
unfolds. We initially begin spirituality to answer our questions, but here we are questioning our
answers. We are certainly for something, but we are against nothing. Surrender, not resistance, is our
movement here.
Guest Teachings Series
BENTINHO MASSARO: Recognize Awareness
CHRIS HEBARD: Soundbites Never Liberate You
DENNIS WAITE: Advaita Made Easy (II)
DENNIS WAITE: Realization and Desire (I)
FRANCIS LUCILLE: Flowers of the Tree of Life
GINA LAKE: The Egos Many Guises
GREG GOODE: Standing As Awareness (I)
GREG GOODE: The Direct Path, User Guide (II)
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ILIE CIOARA: The Wondrous Journey
JAMES BRAHA: Living Reality
JERRY KATZ: The Sparks Before the Explosion
LOUIS BRAWLEY: The Invisible Man
NIRMALA: Meeting the Mystery
PETER DZIUBAN: Consciousness Is All
RICHARD LANG: The Headless Way
RICK LINCHITZ: No You and No Me
RUPERT SPIRA: The Light of Knowing
SAILOR BOB ADAMSON: Are You the Mind?
SCOTT KILOBY: Living Realization
STEPHAN BODIAN: Wake Up Now
SUZANNE FOXTON: Stop Seeking and Relish It
VICKI WOODYARD: Life With A Hole In It
What teachers are saying about AC
THERE ARE SO MANY websites and blogs and things out there on Nonduality these days that it
can be overwhelming. Freds site is really an exception. ~Rupert Spira
IM HAPPY AND PROUD to be part of Awakening Clarity. ~Gangaji
YOUR BLOG LOOKS great. Ive added a link to it on my links list. When you speak clearly, they will
come. You speak clearly. ~Scott Kiloby
I ADDED YOUR BLOG to my list. Youre creating a valuable site. Thank you. ~Jerry Katz
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SITE! Im happy to be a part of it. ~Stephan Bodian
THE OVERALL IMPRESSION [of Awakening Clarity] is thorough and authoritative as well as the
smart presentation. ~Dennis Waite
A BEAUTIFUL, articulate site. ~Chris Hebard
THANKS SO MUCH for your wonderful words. Im enjoying Awakening Clarity! Ive added you to
our links. ~Peter Dziuban
THANK YOU so much for all you share on your lovely site. ~Nirmala