Observations From Within A Heart

A Process For Reclaiming Lost Power and Love

By
Terry Hathaway
M
Revised Electronic Media Version
Published by Hathaway & Associates
Distribution and Copyright
T
his supplemental manual was not originally intended for public or commercial
consumption, but rather it was to be strictly a private endeavor, restricted to a few
individuals working together for personal growth and conscious awareness. However, it
evolved, seemingly with a life and objective of its own, wanting to push out of the secure,
little boundaries of its original home. Thus, it is now being made available to anyone who wants it,
andits readabilityandease of use, whencomparedto its earlier incarnations, have beensubstantially
enhanced in consideration of a more general audience. If someone is to have and use this manual,
some happenstance, situation, or accident will bring it to their attention, or they will find it out of
sheer luck, so to speak. Therefore, please do not attempt to persuade or pushthis material onanyone.
If it is right for someone they will of their own accord discover, desire and wholeheartedly accept it,
perhaps ruthlessly pursuing its implications; otherwise, they will resist, be nonchalant or politely
pretend interest, while trying to move away from it. If there is no incontrovertible attraction or
feeling for this work forget this book and move on without further ado.
Please do not interfere with the process of people finding their right place. It is entirely
inappropriate to override the normal push-pull, desire versus resistance process of moving people
and energy to the exact place where they belong and will be most effective in their own process, a
living interaction which can be extremely subtle. It may require great sensitivity by both ones
mental and feeling aspect to notice and respect the right place of another person or being. If
someones right place is not to see or have this material do not interfere.
Published by Hathaway & Associates
www.hathaworld.com
Copyright 1994, 1995, 1999, 2001 and 2006-2009 by Terry Hathaway
All rights reserved. No part of this book or material may be reproduced, duplicated, distributed or
transmitted in any formor by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, including photocopy,
recording, fax, or by any type of information storage and retrieval systemnow known or that may
be inventedother than for fair and reasonable use, as brief quotations embodied in articles and
reviewswithout the expressed written permission of the author.
Printing of primary work editions:
Original proofing copies April 21, 1994
Expanded and revised 1st edition August 1, 1994
Expanded and revised 2nd edition November 21, 1994
Printing of expanded and reorganized textbook format edition:
First Printing July 10, 1995
Revised and expanded electronic version (PDF format) October 17, 2001 - 2009
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN 0-9645670-1-6
Distribution and Copyright i
Am I the Fool or the Hero?
I would rather be the taunted King of Fools and enter the
hallowed gates of heaven, than to be a reasonable man
reared to rot and die at the righteous gates of hell. Thus,
I have begun the long journey away from the contrived
and silly man I have ignorantly become....
T
he material in this primer constitutes observations made while attempting to understand
and thereby untangle and resolve the deplorable mess I have fashioned for myself in the
form of countless rather unpleasant and painful life experiences. This repeating pattern,
due entirely to my own misunderstandings and self-imposed blindness as to how
fundamental life energies function, led to untold ill-founded attitudes and judgments regarding
myself and what I mistakenly perceived was external and independent from myself.
Consequently, as a result of all the myriadjudgments I had made, step by step choices and actions I
thought helped me, I had in actuality been choosing against and denying out of my awareness bits
of myself, until finally the majority of my own living essence and the awareness that goes with it
was nearly gone. So many things, dreams, aspirations, plans for a glorious future, which at the time
were judged as being so right, so very correct, I have found were based entirely upon sheer
ignorance, an ignorance of how conscious, living energy interacts and ultimately manifests
physical reality. What is in this book is only a tiny bit of all that I have observed and come to
understand, a puzzle that can be logically understood, but that is so immense as to be utterly
indescribable in any complete way. There is far too much to include in any kind of book, no matter
howbig and complex it might eventually become, and much of what I have seen must be felt by the
Will aspect before it can be known and therefore cannot be adequately described in words.
There are so many colors and shades of gray for everything, especially when you begin to peel back
the veil and look at the underlying creative energies making up what we have erroneously come to
think of as a fixed and predictable world. Everything is teeming with life, with both our inner and
outer realities made up of a vital living essence that goes mostly unseen and unnoticed in our
current deadened and unaware state. Why outer reality has become frozen, tragically forced to
repeat old and painful enactments over and over again, and we nearly dead, can be easily
understood when there is a genuine willingness to face what lies hidden within. I have come to
deeply regret that I have been blind for so long, blind to what I willingly chose to keep hidden from
my view. Only some of the more obvious and readily comprehended highlights are set forth in this
book. Eons have passed in my quest to discover what should have been obvious from the very
beginning, especially since I have both memories and feelings of my beginning, and of The
Beginning. Hence, you would think I would have little trouble knowing who I am. But not so! Like
most everyone else I have also become lost through my own self-inflicted ignorance and the
resulting continual denials that lead inexorably to the collapse of my Will aspect. What is shared in
this publication suggests a path, a method of recovery, that for the time being feels right to me and
is what I want and what I love. But nothing in this book is a teaching, a code, a truth or an ethic
that you or anyone should doggedly follow. I have no permanent teachings, practices, or
absolutes whatsoever to offer, nothing static, only movement, a living from moment to moment
that enables a reversal of what has been holding us all fixed and dying, and encouragement to seek
Am I the Fool or the Hero? 7
an exhilaration and freedom brought about by feeling and enjoying your own vitality and life
force. Becoming consciously aware of my life force, which includes everything within me and this
Creation, has become just about all I desire anymore, as the normal worldly pursuits I previously
engaged drift away and pale into a gray dullness by comparison.
Many years ago I began using writing as a way to help clarify what I was observing, perceiving,
feeling, understanding and knowing from my internal and external experiences. The mere act of
having to formulate and write clear written descriptions forced an inner precision and lucidity that
might not have otherwise occurred. Thus, writing became one of the principal tools I have used to
refine my own inner processes and to become aware of, reclaim and revitalize all of that essence
that I once ignorantly denied and subsequently lost. Unfortunately, the words I use may have an
entirely different connotation for everyone but me. To make matters worse, many deeply subtle
nuances I personally see and feel when using a specific word, if misinterpreted or left unfelt by the
reader, can so drastically alter the effect, intent and meaning of that word in awareness terms as to
make its use completely misleading. Nonetheless, English is the language I know. It is unfortunate
that it does not have a lexicon designed to adequately describe the inner workings of
consciousness, a consciousness that I have been observing and feeling in and outside myself for a
very long time. My only recourse has been to use existing words that most closely approximate my
inner seeing and knowing. All this means you may have no idea what I am really writing about,
especially since most of what I amreferring to can be intangible or completely invisibleuntil you
have the experiences, understanding and Will feelings necessary to allow you a relatively high
degree of personal power and awareness. Nevertheless, in spite of this, I am making this material
available in the trust that however you may unintentionally be mislead by misunderstanding my
words you will eventually be triggered and led by those same apparent misunderstandings to your
own right place, and consequently your own unique awareness recovery successes.
Many readers may consider this material to be an aberration of the timeworn spiritual or mental
approach to awareness. But I assure you that it is not, although you may have trouble believing this
until some kind of experience suddenly proves otherwise. This whole book with its thousands of
words has as its ultimate goal the discovery and awakening of the Will polarity, something
orgasmic and magically all-powerful that lies deeply hidden within, which, up till this moment,
you have either not wanted to face or have forgotten altogether. Under ideal conditions the Will
would be an equal partner to the highly worshiped but now generally isolated and bereft mental
aspect. It can all be summed up with one simple statement: You are an omnipotent, magically
powerful, unlimited, orgasmic and holy being! But what does this mean? It means that you are the
God force you have been looking for all of your life. This book, with its many words, is about
finding a way to recover and then enjoy this as yet hidden treasure, pointing you, as well as myself,
in a very specific direction, holding your hand as we enter and work our way through the old
darkened and forgotten areas of our lost Self, until we finally discover the hidden and magical
part of ourselves that has been inactive and missing for so very long.
In all likelihood, you will not be able, nor permit yourself, to realize the real scope and intent of this
awareness approach until you have a certain degree of mental awareness first. Andif complete and
total healing is what you seek, sooner or later, you will have to bring your Will and its lost
feelings andbody back to life, so that you can really feel the contents of this book. Mental feelings
and logical understanding alone will not suffice, nor even begin to touch the real contents of this
work. What is here must be felt using your Will. Without it, I guarantee you will fail and get
nowhere, accomplishing none of what I nowknowis possible. It is absolutely crucial that you have
a gooddegree of workable Spirit andWill balance to engage andmake any practical or useful sense
of the true meaning and intent of this material. This means that your Spirit (your mental capacity)
and your feeling Will must be reasonably integrated. What this statement infers may take you a
long time to understand, let alone achieve. Faking it will not do. Under ideal conditions the Spirit
mentality will read the word as an integrated Will aspect feels it and then provides the mentality
8 Am I the Fool or the Hero?
with a feeling knowing and/or image, thereby filling the mentality with various nuances of
color and the intuitional guidance necessary to hear the delicate feeling melodies hidden within
the words. It is the Will that talks and expresses knowledge and appropriateness by means of
feelings, intuition and knowing. All these attributes working together can even produce what I
refer to as feeling images, clear pictures filledwith detail and color that arise out of an interaction
with the gut, and not from the mental aspect directly. Spirit must have honest love for the Will in
order for the two aspects to be combined into a working whole, not separated like antagonistic
neighbors. Without this combined capability of unified seeing and feeling and loving, without a
total willingness to see and accept what you have never wanted to know and feel, what is written
in this book must remain unrealized for you, no matter how diligently you may think you are
working to pursue this path.
In and of itself this book at its best can only be supplemental to the actual and necessary
experiences life will offer up for anyone who truly wants and chooses to actively recover their
personal awareness and power. For this reason I encourage you to be with other people who are
enthusiastically engaged in this kind of work, and who also have some experience and/or
comprehension of the not so obvious aspects of this work. Without the combined understanding
and experiences necessary to bring the feeling Will back into free and unified expression nothing
much can happen, other than waste your time and energy in ways that must eventually come to a
disappointing dead-end. To be successful you must learn how to open inner doors to thoughts,
attitudes, judgments and feelings you will not likewhich is why you denied and pushed them
out of your awareness in the first place. If you keep this work strictly mental (and comfortably
safe), having no courage to open up and enliven the lost and rotting parts of yourself, you will find
nothing new or magicalonly the same old recurring painful misery and death that has
dauntlessly hunted you down relentlessly for lifetimes.
For this awareness method to bring about the spectacular results suggested requires that your
Spirit mentality (you and your mindand its intellect) must begin to learn unconditional acceptance
and love for all kinds of thoughts, attitudes, judgmental content, real personal power and both
mental and gut feelings, whether they be of mental origin or come from the Will or the body it
manifests. To do this you must happily give up your notions of superiority, as well as the many
arrogant ways of habitually thinking that you know best, always having some kind of judgmental
answer andresponse to everything. Moreover, you will have to showa newwillingness to see your
errors and transgressions against many heretofore unrecognized aspects and expressions making
up the whole of our Creation, which up till now you have been disliking and hating in your
haughty ignorance and lost pain. You will have to come to grips with what you have been doing,
and are still doing to yourself and everything else, and then begin dealing with your lame excuses
and denials and the willful, planned injuries and attacks inflicted on the Will and all of its manifest
creations. This means finally facing the fact that you may NOT be the sole and grand blessing to
Creation that you have been judging and wishing to be true. This awareness path, my path, is no
less than the rekindling of a passionate love affair with ALL of Creation, which includes all of the
personal Self. But if you are not willing to start moving in this direction, whether such a goal seems
remotely possible or not, you will go nowhere in terms of recovering what you have lost in
consciousness. In any case, you may only want a taste of what this Path of Heart has to offer. So be
it. Whatever degree of enlightenment you can glean from this book is my gift to you.
I do not expect you or others to necessarily fall in with the awareness methods and goals I have
outlined and chosen for myself. They have been working wonders for me and a few others who
have honestly dedicated themselves to the same kindof goals, and who have also applied what has
been learned. This awareness work is what I love, but I realize that it may not be for you. And even
if it is for you, you may just want to poke along slowly, wasting time, letting cobwebs gather on
your plodding feet. It is your responsibility to feel if what is in this book is something that will
define your way, and if it is, howfast you will go. But if you discover that you cannot, will not or do
Am I the Fool or the Hero? 9
not feel this path is for you then please close this book and DONOT go any further. Why? Because
if you do proceed with a bad attitude you will eventually trigger up old, unresolved pain and
torment that you will be unwilling, and thereby unable, to accept, evolve or heal, easily leaving
you stuck in a hellish nightmare that you will be unable to back out of, eliminate or resolve. Getting
stuck in something you are unwilling to face can be quite disabling, and you may find yourself
unable to move forward or backward.
In a nutshell, it is my intent to find and love all of myself unconditionally, so that all of me can love
unconditionally that which I love. This means having as a goal a return to the full totality and
power of my original Being, so that I ammotivated by the Holy inspiration of Spirit and filled with
the orgasmic, guiding feelings of the Will, a powerful union of complimentary polarities that
allows who and what I am to be enjoyed and expressed through the golden light of an opened
Heart. The Body then becomes the eternal playground, the temple, in which all this integrated and
loving play is given expression. These may seemlike lofty words, but they describe something that
is actually in usperhaps quite lost and deadened, but still in us nevertheless. This prospect is our
divine heritage, a heritage long ago lost in mistakes and misunderstandings dating from the very
beginning of this Creation. Personally, for me, it is time to go about reversing and healing the
process of denial that has been painfully killing me, and go back toward Home and to my
ignorantly lost and forgotten Divinity, reinstating a condition and state of being that is my only
right place. Settling for anything less is a travesty for me, and any dilly-dallying around,
procrastinating and delaying my journey of return is tantamount to sheer insanity.
I once judged that what was happening to me via the portrayals experienced as outer reality were
real and quite unalterable. Now, however, I understand that I have only been watching my inner
self reflected in an outer cosmic pool I called physical reality. This book is an attempt to share some
of what I have seen in, and learned from, my celestial mirrorwhich has been a process that has
often tested me until I have stumbled and fallen exhausted from my own self-inflicted torment. It
seems that every possible obstacle hindering my ongoing awakening moves to confront me with
horrifying persistence, until, that is, I finally mustered the courage to squarely face it and then deal
with and resolve it. But howcould it be otherwise, since everything I have already created and that
brings pain and death must be realized, accepted, understood, dealt with and resolved, so that
what has been in my way no longer blocks my advancement. With more and more of the old
resolved I gain ever greater opportunity to enjoy new and happier choices, ones that can more
likely engender an eternal and joyous life, instead of a gradual decline, misery and eventual death.
So it is, bit by bit, as the oldmistakes are slowly peeledaway andrenderedpowerless my newideas
and goals can begin to take root and flower. It is a long process digging up and dealing with
millenniums of misbegotten beliefs, ideas and choices, one that has taken a near forever to finally
realize and then find a way to reverse. I have at long last realized, after eons of being battered and
bruised frommany ignorant trips and falls, that I amLove trying to find itself in the labyrinth of its
own original mistakes.
You are invited to join me on a journey of glorious awakening, but do not ask this if it is not what
you truly want. Do not set the universe ablaze with action on your behalf and in the name of total
healing if you do not have the willingness, stamina and a deep, unrelenting desire to want to live
and face all that you have denied. It is important for you to understand that the very nature of this
awareness work brings about changes in the way you relate to and see yourself, your body, and the
world and all of its manifest forms. This work is NOT therapynor is it intended to be. According
to Fritz Perls, the Father of Gestalt Therapy, most therapy has as its goal the fixing, adapting or
adjustment of ones personality, or neurosis, to fit that of the existing problem or societal norm.
This, he said, makes the neurotic personality the goal of most conventional therapy. Whether this is
true or not, my goal is not to adjust or tweak anything, but rather to get at the errors of judgment
lodged in the very roots of creation by allowing the primary causal energies to be accepted,
evolved and healed. Fixing or adapting gives the immediate illusion of achievement, while true
10 Am I the Fool or the Hero?
personal awareness rakes up ALL the muck, thus allowing you to see and heal the underlying
dis-eases. The first method often provides what can seemlike swift and relatively painless results,
while the latter requires time, effort and real determinationit is for the hero who seeks the holy
and magical magnificence that is our rightful heritage.
As to whether this path really works or not is for each person to discover on their own, and in their
own special and unique way. I can only testify for myself, and state that something incredibly
wonderful is happening inside me, andit is so delicious, so tender, so loving, so holy, so stunningly
beautiful in feeling that I cannot imagine ever turning away from the sensual wonder that is
starting to glow inside me. When the old compression, pain, agony, death, anger and hysterical
rage caused and then forced to be held in place within the Will through judgmental decree is
released, giving the Will the feeling freedom it so richly deserves, it can begin to bring about the
feelings and reality that you have for so long savored only in your relatively dry Spirit and mind,
but could never bring into actual physical reality and experience. Our divine heritage is within us
for those with the courage and ability to look and feel. But you may have to go on faith for a very
long time that something fundamentally graceful and beautiful and holy lies unseen and hidden in
the feeling part of yourself, before you achieve enough freedom and movement in your Will
polarity to permit the awakening of the feeling expressions that will tell you of your regal holiness.
Andyou will have to invite this opening of the Will with open arms. You may even findyourself on
bendedknees, literally begging for your Will to respond, pleading for even the tiniest movement or
proof of its existence. But only when it is ready, when your Spirit and its judgmental mind attain
enough resolution and release to allowit, when your Will feels enough trust that you will not judge
and condemn it when it begins to twitch and move, and not before, will you begin to feel its
powerful magnetic physical presence. Then, finally, its delicate fingers of energy will be able to
gingerly reach out to touch and embrace your timid mentality. Your Will is possibly the most
sensitive part of you, and it has responded to your every judgment and demand and to all that you
have ever thought or denied. Now, it lies frozen and essentially motionless, hiding from your
treacherous mentality and its ruthless mind. It is encased in a judgmental prison you have
intentionally constructed, for reasons you will have to discover for yourself. And you will have to
discover and accept without reservation the nearly unbearable pain your Will and body now
holds, because of what your so-called loving Spirit and mind have done to it. This manual can, at
best, be a start, but your growth, or lack of it, will be solely determined by the integration and
beneficial use of what you discover about your inner self, its feelings, and its desires.
This awareness path of mine is all about ourselves and our relationships to everything in
Creationwithout limit. It is proposing an unadulterated love affair with ourselvesall of
ourselvesand everything else. But to know what this really means you must feel it, and feel it in
every cell; and that means having a Will polarity that is free and expressive enough to literally be
able to physically vibrate you back to life. Without the freedomof a feeling Will, and the vital body
temple it can give you, all that remains is a lingering death masquerading as something imagined
as life. Feelings of holiness and love and knowing must literally vibrate throughout your
consciousness as a physical force. If youkeepthese feeling qualitites as just a mental concept youare
essentially dead, anddeservedly so, too, because you will have incrementally chosen such a fate, one
little bit at a time over the span of your existence. To be alive in the way I mean it you must feel life
shimmer andboil throughout your essence in all its beautiful glory, andlet your Will caress youwith
its heavenly delicacy and infinite knowledge. Only then will you begin to know what I am writing
and talking about in this supplemental manual. But, rest assured, finding this treasure can be
absolute torment, since all that has been darkened and made numb, weak, angry and unloving by
your ill-conceived mental judgments and the resulting determined acts of denial must first be found,
accepted and fully healed by giving both the Spirit mentality and the Will polarity back the freedom
of life that it must have in order to express the beauty and joy you rightfully crave.
Am I the Fool or the Hero? 11
The Universe is ablaze with countless thoughts, feelings, activity and understanding that can
never be captured in the stillness of a simple book, or in your mentality acting alone and by itself.
There is something else that must be alive and accompany the mentality of Spirit to know and feel
and be a cosmic beauty of full and everlasting life. There is a force inside you that invigorates and
creates the reality that appears to surround you, and maybe it is finally time for you to dig in and
find out exactly why it is being forced to make your life the way it is. Is it time for you find out who
you really are, to discover and engage what is really deep, down inside you? If so, consider this
writing to be an attempt to rekindle an ancient song, a faraway melody that may still linger softly,
sweetly, somewhere deep inside you. The best my words can do for you is to provide a flimsy
skeleton, a paltry signpost that points to that long lost placeperhaps fanning the nearly dead
embers of an orgasmic, holy way of living, of being free, of feeling and enjoying life. Look along my
finger, then, as my clumsy words attempt to point to this ancient place, and see if you can discern
this holy and magical realm that yet secretly smolders deep inside....
Terry Hathaway
12 Am I the Fool or the Hero?