Just for laughs

Keywords: Just for laughs ... Bernard Preston ... chiropractic ...
running late
Piet's scrotum
A minister asked if anyone in the church would like to give thanks for
answered prayers.
Tina Cronje stood and walked to the lectern. She said, "I have praise
to offer."
"Two months ago, Piet, had a terrible cycling accident and his scrotum
was completely crushed. He fell on the barrier rail and it split him
open.
The pain was excruciating and his doctor didn't know if he could help
him."
You could hear a audible gasp from the congregation as they imagined
the pain that poor Piet must have experienced. "Piet was unable to
hug me or hold the children," Tina went on, "and every breath caused
him terrible pain."
"We prayed as the surgeon performed the operation; fortunately he
was able to piece together the crushed remnants of of my husband's
scrotum, and thread some steel wire around it to hold the bits in
place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the surgery performed on poor Piet.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice,
"thanks be to God, Piet is out of the hospital and the doctor says that
given time, his scrotum should recover completely." The congregation
sighed with unified relief.
The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to
add.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the lectern.
Taking Tina's arm he said with a grin, "I just want
to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
Getting drunk in public can get you into difficulties ...
Just for laughs
Truman Capote penned this marvelous comeback whilst drinking one
evening with friends in a Key West bar. Repartee at it's best|||!
At an adjacent table a couple were getting steadily inebriated. When
the woman recognized Truman she approached him and asked if he
would autograph the menu for her.
The woman's partner, in a display of drunken jealousy, staggered over
to Capote's table, unzipped his pants, and in Truman's own words,
"hauled out his equipment," bellowing, "Since you're autographing
things, why don't you sign this?" A hush fell over the room, allowing
everybody in the bar to hear Capote's soft, high-pitched voice deliver
a perfect emasculating reply:
"I don't know if I can autograph it,
but perhaps I can initial it."
Visiting South Africa soon?
Just for laughs
Make sure you hire a car with a SatNav. The signs are not so reliable,
and not always where you would expect them....
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My May 2013 blog: The
importance of being
ernest ... just for laughs.
July blog: Beer makes a good
servant but ...
September blog: Drama on Town
Hill ...
Think of Bernard Preston first as a
chiropractor, then a writer, and
only then a beekeeper, gardener,
glider pilot, carpenter, trout
fisherman, lover of life. Christian.
In between books, whilst
pondering the next, I write blogs.
On this and that.
Right now I'm getting reading to
take the plunge. My seventh book.
"The Man who would be Pope."
Giorgio "burns" and finds his own
solution to his sexuality. But a
passion to overthrow the heresy of
Pope Hildebrand and return to the
tradition of the first millennium
begins to boil in him. Married
priests.
Albums & Cadres
Photos
photoexpression.com
Livraison gratuite ds 60 d'achat
avec le code promo : LIVPE
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Needing a new pair of false teeth. Buy them
on your trip...
Most things in South African are more expensive than the rest of the
world, but where else can you possibly get a pair of custom-made
false teeth for only $2?
Only one small problem. You may have to test several dozen pairs
until you find the perfect fit.
South Africans are strong on original ideas. These have been recycled
from Johannesburg's undertakers!
Bernard Preston's books
You won't spot any of my six books in this pile...
Radishes
Tree planting
Avocado
Beekeeping
HOME
Solar
Gliding
Mike's Corner
Mike's Corner
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Phew, that was close... just for laughs? I don't think
so.
South Africans and Americans have amongst the worst driving records
in the world. Read the stats at Whiplash Chiropractic ... Is it the
large distances between cities, are are we just impatient, bad drivers?
In any event, we pay for it, one way or another, and it keeps
Chiropractors in business!
"Yet is every man his own greatest enemy,
and as it were his own executioner."
Thomas Browne
Whiplash leads invariably to immobilisation arthritis, in the neck
primarily, if those spinal fixations aren't reduced after whiplash. The
sensitive UncoVertebral Luschka joints in the lower cervical spine
are particular vulnerable eventually pinching the nerve roots that pass
immediately by and causing pain and tingling in the arms and
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hands ...
Heaven
Eyecharts
My latest visit to the optician was particularly frustrating... can't see a
damn thing any more.
For heavens sake, don't take him shopping
After his retirement, I insisted my husband accompany me on my
trips to the mall. I thought it would keep him out of trouble!! But I
like to take my time shopping whilst, unfortunately, like most men, he
found it boring.
Yesterday I received the following letter from our local shop.
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Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past four months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have
been forced to ban both of you, in future.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes
of condoms and
randomly put them in
other people's carts when
they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm
clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5-minute
intervals.
July 7: He made a trail
of tomato juice on the
floor leading to the
women's restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and said to her, in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from
her Supervisor which in turn resulted in a Union Grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to buy a bag of M&Ms
on credit.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department, to which
twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' resulting
in EMTs being called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
using different sized funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
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October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' causing
one of our staff to pass out.
SEND HIM INSTEAD TO THE DAY CARE just for laughs.
NOT FOR LAUGHS
Post apartheid, post racism, rainbow nation advert...
SENIOR MANAGER GROUP TREASURY - Johannesburg
An excellent, urgent position has become available for a CA(SA) to
join a major listed telecoms company as Senior Manager Group
Treasury:
Ideally this person would be an AA* candidate (African, Coloured,
Indian) but White Females will also be accepted (EE**)."
*AA - Affirmative Action
**EE - Empowerment Equity
Said the one hat...
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. Said the one hat
to the other, 'You stay here; just for laughs, I'll go on a head..'
STATINS, dangerous stuff!
Foods that lower cholesterol ... safer than statins! The
impotence of statins is no laughing matter.
After retiring, I went to the SS office to apply for Social Security.
Topmerken -50%
-60% 70%
www.vente-exclusive.com/Beaba
Promotie: word nu lid en ontvang
gratis verzending. Shrijf je nu in!
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The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,' and
she processed my Social Security application ..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'
Chiropractor's dream machine
Definitely, just for laughs ...
Could a mishap on this dream machine cause a Tietze's Syndrome?
You betcha! Direct trauma to the rib cage and breastbone by a steel
Spinous Process could do some interesting things. Breastbone pain:
Tietzes syndrome casefile ...
Enjoy the tenor of this site?
Two of my books are now available for only $2.99. Whilst allowing you
the privilege of being a fly on the wall at the Chiropractic Clinic,
learning how Chiropractic can help your colicky kid, fix your painful
coccyx, save you from a back operation... they are loaded with the
hilarious and the tragic.
The woman in acute pain who arrives on the arm of her lover.
The parish priest.
A man who claims that treatment of his jaw joint has restored
his hearing...
This bishop's wife who falls pregnant after chiropractic care. At
49...
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The doctor who is harshly crictical of Bernie taking X-rays
until he decides to visit the clinic one day. A visit to the
darkroom reveals an X-ray of a patient just interviewed - a
vertebra in her neck destroyed by cancer shatters them both.
Read them on your Kindle, Nook, tablet or smartphone.
Bats in my Belfry
Bernard Preston DC...
Buy New
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And something more racy? Then the A Family Affair trilogy may be
right up your street. And it might not, be warned! But for a measly
99c each, what do you have to lose?
Read my latest trilogy? Only 99c each. Hold onto your hat...
A FAMILY AFFAIR The
Bostonians
Bernard Preston
Buy New
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A FAMILY AFFAIR Peter's
Children
Bernard Preston
Buy New
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A FAMILY AFFAIR The
Return
Bernard Preston
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RUNNING LATE
Is your doctor always running late ...?
Velly puny... Just for laughs
A manipulator in Egypt is known as a Cairopractor.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
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Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Missing man found dead in shower
South African newspaper headline: Decomposing body found
in hospital bathroom
Nov 29, 2009 11:05 PM | By Nkosana Lekotjolo
Itumeleng Motaung, who was admitted to George Stegman hospital in
North West province, was found dead in the hospital bathroom more
than two months after nurses reported him missing.Only in SA could
that happen.
From the KERRYMAN
Just for laughs, the best Medicine, ... er, Chiropractic!
Well, this one isn't South African humour. It's even better! From the
land of Murphy you'll love it. Dear Son, ... Laughs Kerryman ...
Careful, you'll wet yourself!
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More best medicine ...
South Africans have become world innovators in Crime-Stop. This
man thought a lion on the loose in his workshop overnight might
discourage thieves ... just for laughs.
Enjoying a SWEET PEE can be problematic in the
bushveld. She's got company....
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The real McCoy
Having seen the King of the Jungle for real, though, as every South
African has the privilege of seeing, thieves wouldn't be fooled for long.
On a dark night, perhaps....? Definitely not just for laughs.
ZAPIRO, SOUTH AFRICAN genius supreme!
This is the most popular way of seeing South Africa ... just for laughs?
Nope, dinkum.
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The only problem is that they often don't have functional brakes and
negotiating the steeper gradients can be tricky ...
Yum this looks delic.
This croc however found something rather more challenging than a
wheelchair maniac racing towards him. After the mosquito (and man!)
these are the probably the two most dangerous animals in Africa. This
time the croc came off second best ...
But this... defintiely not apt in just for laughs in croc world.
A familiar scene at the bottom of many a South African hill ...
Fortunately it's only a short distance to the Casualty at the nearest
hospital ... just for laughs? No, this is for real.
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And a South African street ... just for laughs.
And what we expats remember best ... The Tooth.
GOVERNED, a knife edge
Most of the world is sick and tired of politicians and being over-
governed. Oddly, South Africans long to be governed - it may be
irksome, but it does provide for a certain happiness in contrast to the
mayhem of an ungoverned state.
"To be governed is to be, at every operation, every
transaction, noted, counted, registered, taxed, stamped,
measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized,
admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected,
punished."
- Pierre-Joseph Proudhon
Interesting links
More from the Peanut Gallery ...
Go from JUST FOR LAUGHS to BAPTISO TO IMMERSE ... one
of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. A short story
from Frog in my Throat. A hundred miles over
uncompromising terrain in my ancient glider.
Return from Just for Laughs to Bernard Preston
homepage...
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For those who dare... 8000 feet above sea level. Taken from the
cockpit of my ancient Ka6 glider. Strong westerlies striking this
outcrop produce powerful "ridge lift."
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Newsletter 35 - Chiropractors hate horse riding / How to cook cauliflower
Newsletter 34 - Popping your own neck / Raw honey and beekeeping
Newsletter 33 - Bed rest for Low back pain
Newsletter 32 - Rib pain / Crack your own Pecan nuts ...
Newsletter 06 - Safety-on-the-Stairs/ Ginger in your cooking
Newsletter 05 - Safety-in-the-home/ Red food for the prostate
Newsletter 04 - Whiplash-and-the-Joints-of-Luschka/ Parsley
Newsletter 03 - How-to-stop-falling/ Danger of a low fat diet
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