Version: 1

Client Name: Jennifer Target School: Columbia University

Essay Question:
What are your short-term and long-term career goals? How will the Columbia Business School MB hel!
you achieve these goals?
Essay Type: "uture #oals $ School "it
Actual Word Count: %&' Target Word Count: '(((
First Submission o Essay !ith Editor"s Comments:
My diverse !rofessional e)!erience since college has included financial bro*erage+ commercial
ban*ing and defined contribution consulting, My goals have evolved through e)!eriencing in those
diverse settings+ and my goal now is to obtain my MB from the Columbia Business School and to
-oin a !restigious finance organi.ation with the eventual goal of owning my own consulting firm,
#Comment 1]
/n selecting a career / have always been told to figure out what you li*e to do and then ma*e a career
out of it, #Comment $] 0ight years ago+ armed with this bit of !hiloso!hy+ / set out to find out what /
li*e, Before entering college+ / came to the reali.ation that my interests lay in business, My courses in
business were the ones / always loo*ed forward to+ and my business !ro-ects and !resentations
were the most challenging and rewarding of all my undergraduate course wor*, U!on graduating+ /
interviewed with+ and was offered several enviable !ositions with well-*nown firms in 1ew 2or* City, /
forewent those offers and decided to -oin nderson 3 Stevens as defined contribution analyst,
s a defined contribution analyst with nderson 3 Stevens and 4he Johnson Com!anies for the !ast
two and a half years+ / have develo!ed a solid foundation in teamwor*+ analytical and !roblem
solving s*ills, / wor* in a grou! that currently has four members, #Comment %] 4he success of the
grou! relies on the e)traordinary amount of coo!eration from each of us, s a -unior member of the
team+ / am able to contribute to the grou! in several ways including+ managing and accurately
com!leting multi!le re5uests with short turnaround times+ gathering and conveying information from
client+ collecting and calculating data+ maintaining databases+ and strengthening my own foundation
of *nowledge to be used as a resource, However+ while / am an e)cellent team !layer+ these
e)!eriences !rovide e)!ansive career o!!ortunities in consulting+ / have reached a !lateau in
develo!ing the analytical and management s*ills necessary to achieve my goal,
Being a successful leader of an organi.ation+ / have to learn all as!ects of organi.ation outside of
defined contribution such as mar*eting or system administration, #Comment &] / have found that /
need to overcom!ensate for my 6soft7 a!!earance in order to get my !oint across, #Comment '] By
attending Columbia Business School+ / will gain e)!osure to both theories and !ractices in the
world8s financial center, / will attain a dee!er understanding of management conce!ts and be able to
a!!ly those conce!ts to real life situations on the -ob, #Comment (] / ho!e to im!rove my negotiating
s*ills and to gain more e)!erience in getting grou! members to carry their own weight, t the same
time+ / do not want to be a tyrant, 4o be effective+ it is im!ortant for a manager to maintain the !ro!er
balance of !ower and com!assion, 9nly in this way+ will / be able to lead a team of !eo!le to
reali.ing the goals of the firm,
"ollowing a successfully com!letion of my MB !rogram+ / would li*e to see* a !osition in a
!restigious finance organi.ation, #Comment )] Because of the e)cellent !re!aration of the basics
Columbia will have !rovided me+ / will e)cel among my !eer and eventually climb u! the cor!orate
ladder, #Comment *] fter e)celling in all as!ects of the defined contribution+ / would li*e to start with
consulting in the area of retirement services and eventually e)!and my business to other areas of
consulting such as actuarial and life insurance, /nitially+ / would li*e to concentrate my clients within
United States, 0ventually+ / would li*e to e)!and my client base overseas starting with the sia
mar*et where the foundation of the defined contribution is still very wea* and unfounded, With my
ability to converse in Chinese and my understanding of Chinese and merican culture+ / will have an
advantage to building my business in the sia mar*et, #Comment +]
"urthermore+ an effective manager in the :'st century must be well-versed in international business,
Unfortunately+ my desire to gain this broader understanding of the increasingly interde!endent global
economy remains unsatisfied in my current !osition, #Comment 1,; Columbia Business School is
located in the heart of the 1ew 2or* City, 4he students of Columbia Business School have the
advantage of being able to study in one of the to! schools in the dynamic and cosmo!olitan city
where most of the multinational cor!orations are located, #Comment 11]
My !rofessional e)!eriences thus far have enabled me to gain much confidence in my ability to set
very high !rofessional goals because / *now / will maintain the !ersonal dedication and hard wor*
necessary in achieving them, / feel that these diverse e)!eriences have !re!ared me well to receive
an education from Columbia -ust as a MB from Columbia will undoubtedly hel! me reach my short-
term goal along the line !roceeds to that end !oint,




Content:
9verall+ there are three !ositive as!ects to the content of this essay<
2ou attem!t to answer the s!ecific 5uestions as*ed=
2our finance related career goals fit well with Columbia8s finance focus=
4he international as!ects of your future career !lans fit well with Columbia8s !rofile,
However+ there are many areas of im!rovement to be made+ including<
2our goals+ as stated in the first !aragra!h+ are far too vague, /t is unclear e)actly what your
short-term goal of wor*ing in a 6!restigious financial organi.ation7 means, 2ou need to be
more s!ecific about the ty!e of career you want to !ursue and why you want to do it+ and
de-em!hasi.e the 6!restigious7 as!ect >it adds nothing?, 4his will also give you an
o!!ortunity to differentiate yourself from what is li*ely to be a large !ool of a!!licants with
similar bac*grounds=
4he lin* between your career goals and how Columbia will hel! you achieve those goals
could be much more com!elling, "or e)am!le+ you could mention s!ecific courses at
Columbia that will assist you in achieving you career goals=
4he second and third !aragra!hs+ which discuss your college and wor* e)!erience+ are not
really that relevant to the 5uestion as*ed, /t seems as though you may have borrowed these
from another essay that you8ve written, 2ou could summari.e your bac*ground e)!erience
more concisely+ or leave it out altogether and discuss it in another essay >e,g,+ a 6three
greatest strengths7-ty!e essay?=
9ne !otential wea*ness of your a!!lication is your 5uantitative #M4 score, 0ven though
you have 5uant-related wor* e)!erience+ you may want to address the need to strengthen
your overall 5uantitative s*ills >as it relates to your future career goals?=
"inally+ you have not fully utili.ed your available words >%&'$'(((?, 4his is giving away an
o!!ortunity to further sell yourself to the admissions committee,
Content -ating: $ .out o '/

0arameters 1 Structure:
4here are many structural im!rovements that could be made to this essay+ including<
Several areas of the essay are not concise, "or e)am!le+ the final sentence in the o!ening
!aragra!h is @' words long and sounds 5uite clumsy, /t is also re!etitive+ with the word
6goal7 mentioned three times, nother e)am!le is the final !aragra!h, 4he two sentences
that ma*e u! this !aragra!h are e)tremely long-winded and confusing >not to mention full of
grammatical errors?=
4he overall structure of the essay does not flow as well as it could, "or e)am!le+ career
goals are discussed briefly in the first !aragra!h+ and then in more detail in the fifth
!aragra!h, 4hese could be detailed u!front+ followed by a more !ersuasive set of reasons
for why Columbia is the !lace that will hel! you achieve those goals=
4here are also some unusual sentences that do not enhance this essay, "or e)am!le+ the
sentence in the fourth !aragra!h that mentions your need to overcom!ensate for your 6soft7
a!!earance is a mystery, /8m not sure what that sentence means, dditionally+ the sentence
in the second to last !aragra!h stating that Columbia is in 1ew 2or* City is !ointless,
0arameters 1 Structure -ating: $ .out o '/

2rammar:
4his essay is full of grammatical errors and ty!os that greatly detract from its readability, 4he
following list is not e)haustive+ but highlights some of these !roblems<
Aaragra!h one+ first sentence< 6have included7 refers to the !rofessional e)!erience+ which
is stated in the singular+ but then discussed in the !lural, 4o avoid this confusion+ you could
sim!ly say 6Be)!erience since college includes financialB7=
Aaragra!h two+ fourth sentence< 6B/ always loo* forward toB7 is incorrect as you are
tal*ing about the !ast, 2ou should change this to 6B/ always loo*ed forward toB7=
Aaragra!h three+ fourth sentence< the 6the7 in the following should be deleted< 6B/ am able
to the contributeB7=
Aaragra!h four+ third sentence< / thin* you mean to say 12C is the 6world8s financial center7+
not 6world8s financial centers7=
Aaragra!h five+ fifth sentence< 6oversea7 should be 6overseas7=
Aaragra!h si)+ second sentence< 6increasing7 should be 6increasingly7, 6Bat theB7 should
be 6Bin myB7=
4here are many more mista*es throughout the essay, / would strongly encourage you to have some
friends !roof read for you before the ne)t draft,
2rammar -ating: 1 .out o '/

3se o 4Situation5 Action5 -esult6 ormat .i applicable/:
While the SC method >6Situation D ction D Cesult7? is a good method to follow+ it is not as
a!!ro!riate in this ty!e of essay, However+ / am generally concerned about the level of s!ecificity
throughout this essay, So+ in the more outcome-focused essay 5uestions >such as 6describe your
three greatest achievements7? Ma*e sure that you use this method in those essays,
-election on Target School:

With its finance focus+ Columbia loo*s li*e a good match for you, Since you are interested in
entre!reneurshi! down the road+ also ta*e a loo* at Columbia8s Eang Center for 0ntre!reneurshi!+
and thin* about what value you could get out of that !rogram >and what you could add to it+ as wellF?,
4his could be a good o!!ortunity to demonstrate your sincere interest in Columbia8s !rogram,
-election on 7ac8ground:

2ou have a fairly standard loo*ing bac*ground+ which is not that hel!ful, While / have no doubt that
you are talented and ca!able of earning your MB at a to! school+ you will need to focus on
differentiating yourself to be seriously considered for admission, 4here is not any as!ect of your
bac*ground information that reveals how you are uni5ue+ so you need to draw this out in your
essays,
/n addition+ your wea* 5uantitative #M4 score is a !otential !roblem, /f you can afford the time+ /
would encourage you to reta*e the #M4 and aim for a much higher 5uantitative score, /f you don t
have time+ / would encourage you to !roactively address it somewhere in your a!!lication and
!rovide a reason for the score, 2ou clearly have a 5uantitative bac*ground+ so you needs to
em!hasi.e your comfort with numbers in other !arts of your a!!lication >e,g,+ as* a recommender to
s!ecifically highlight this as a strength?, #ood luc*F
-ating 9escriptions
Category -ating 9escription
Content
@-G
4he essay ade5uately answers all elements of the essay
and utili.es a fitting e)!erience $ e)am!le for the 5uestion
at hand,
H
4he essay does not com!letely address the essay and $ or
the e)!erience $ e)am!le used is not com!elling,
'-:
4he essay fails to ade5uately answer a critical !ortion of
the essay and does not use a fitting e)!erience $ e)am!le
for the 5uestion at hand,

2rammar
@-G
4he essay has minimal grammar flaws+ including synta)+
sentence structure and use of idioms,
H
4he essay e)hibits grammar flaws that should be
addressed+ but do not affect 6readability7,
'-:
4he essay e)hibits grammar flaws that detract from the
essay and do affect 6readability7,
Structure
@-G
4he essay flows well+ is concise and meets the word limit
criterion,
H
4he essay sur!asses the word limit by a noticeable margin
and the essay would benefit from structural im!rovement,
'-:
4he essay is difficult to follow and the main !oints of the
essay are difficult to e)tract,