Band score 8 in writing grammatical accuracy

This is the first of a series of lessons in how to achieve band score 8.0 in writing. It used
to be the case that 7.0 was pretty much the highest requirement, but times change and
now it is not unusual for certain institutions/employers to ask for 8.0. I certainly get a
number of queries on this. So how do you do it? Can it be done? Dont need 8.0? Read on
you still need to do the same things only to a slightly lower level.
In this first lesson, I take you back to basics and explain a little about the marking of
IELTS and then focus on one aspect in particular: grammatical accuracy.
Test yourself first
Heres the test. Read this essay (written by me). Its pretty good, but every sentence
contains one mistake. That means its not good enough. Your job is to find the mistakes.
In todays material world, we are inundated with variety forms of advertising. In my
view, this can be dangerous as it encourages us spend without thinking and young
people, in particular, need some protection from it.
The first point to make is that advertising does make us to spend money we do not need
to. There are nowadays many diferent ways companies promote their products and
services, ranging from television commercials to simple flyers. If, for example, you were
watching a football match on television, you will see the logos of the tournament
sponsors. Likewise, if you watch the latest blockbuster movie, very probably you will see
a product placed in the film by advertising agency. The volume of this advertising means
that we, as consumers, tend to be profoundly influence by it and buy without thinking.
It is not easy to decide how regulating advertising. Clearly, governments ought to restrict
advertisements for harmful products such as alcohol and tobacco. They do not have the
power, however, to control other forms of the advertising. This means we need to use our
commonsense when we go to the shops, and ask us whether we really need to make that
purchase. Parents should, however, ensure that young people are protected about too
much exposure to advertising. this can mean explaining that it is not in fact necessary to
buy the newest Xbox.
My conclusion is that while we cannot escape advertising or its effects in the modern
world, children should be being encouraged not to pay too much attention to it.
See the mistakes

I dont expect you to get all of these. Youre a teacher if you do. But:
1. as you read through, notice the different types of mistakes it is possible to make. It is not
all about verbs and tenses.
2. its a hard task for two reasons. Firstly, you are reading quite a long piece of writing.
Secondly, I wrote it and you didnt. That should make you consider the ideas of checking
your writing as you go and making your own checklist of mistakes that you make.

In todays material world, we are inundated with various forms of advertising. In my
view, this can be dangerous as it encourages us to spend without thinking and young
people, in particular, need some protection from it.

The first point to make is that advertising does make us spend money we do not need to.
There are nowadays many different ways companies promote their products and
services, ranging from television commercials to simple flyers. If, for example,
you watch a football match on television, you will see the logos of the tournament
sponsors. Likewise, if you watch the latest blockbuster movie, very probably you will see
a product placed in the film by an advertising agency. The volume of this advertising
means that we, as consumers, tend to be profoundly influenced by it and buy without
thinking.

It is not easy to decide how to regulate advertising. Clearly, governments ought to
restrict advertisements for harmful products such as alcohol and tobacco. They do not
have the power, however, to control other forms of advertising. This means we need to
use our commonsense when we go to the shops and ask ourselves whether we really need
to make that purchase. Parents should, however, ensure that young people are
protected from too much exposure to advertising. This can mean simply explaining that
it is not in fact necessary to buy the newest Xbox.

My conclusion is that while we cannot escape advertising or its effects in the modern
world, children should be encouraged not to pay too much attention to it.

Step 1 understand the rules of the game (the band score criteria)
The first step must be to understand how the writing is marked. If you dont do that, your
chances are much reduced. Let me explain. Native speakers sometimes have to take
IELTS too. They dont always do so well and occasionally embarrass themselves by not
getting a band 8 score. Why? Are they not:
Band 8 Very Good User

Has fully operational command of the language with only occasional unsystematic
inaccuracies and inappropriacies. Misunderstandings may occur in unfamiliar situations.
Handles complex detailed argumentation well.
Of course they are. They simply havent understood the rules of the game. The rules are
like this.
Writing is marked according to 4 criteria (lexical resource/grammatical range and
accuracy/coherence and cohesion/task response)
You get a score out of 9 for each of these and then the marks are averaged to give you
your final score
The reality is that if you get much less than 8.0 in any one of those criteria, it becomes
much harder to get a final 8.0. Your aim has to be to get 8.0 in each criteria. If you
dont, you probably need to improve your score in the other criteria tough.
Grammar its about range and accuracy
This is what it says about grammar.
uses a wide range of structures
the majority of sentences are error-free
makes only very occasional errors or inappropriacies
One point to note is that it is not just about how many mistakes you make. You also
need a wide range of structures too. I will explain more about that in a later lesson.

The majority of the sentences are error-free
This means that if your essay has around 15 sentences ( a good number), then you
probably need to write about 10 entirely correct sentences. That means no mistakes.
Makes only very occasional errors or inappropriacies
In a way, this is another way of saying the same thing. You need to write in such a way as
the examiner is surprised when you get something wrong.
How can you achieve this? Learn to check for mistakes
The one thing that will not work is writing very simple language and only concentrate on
not making mistakes. You need to a range of grammar too remember. What it does mean
is:
you almost certainly need a teacher to check your writing and tell you where you make
mistakes

you need to build a checklist of the type of mistakes you make most people have their
own mistakes and it also makes sense to concentrate on common bits of grammar like
countables and uncountables as you will use these in every sentence.

you need to understand that grammar is more than just verb tenses: it includes things like
word order too

you need to learn to check your own writing (my personal suggestion is that you dont
leave this to the end of the essay when you are tired, but you check as you go)

How can you achieve this? Think before you write
As a teacher, I find that a large proportion of students mistakes are made not because they
dont know the grammar, but rather because they got the writing process wrong. They
write. They stop. They think. They write again. The first bit of the sentence is okay and
sos the second bit. Its just that the two halves dont match. You may be surprised by
how many mistakes you avoid by knowing how you want to end the sentence before
you start writing it.

How can you achieve this? Use plain English
I said above that you should not use too simple English. That is true. What is also true,
however, is that it makes sense to avoid complicated English as well it is only likely to
cause more mistakes. This is not just good advice for the exam, it is good advice for life
too (Macmillan dictionary page and Michael McCarthy a leading academic).

Some basics for writing plainer English
avoid long, long sentences (20 words is a long sentence, unless its structure is very
simple)
dont forget the basic S-V-O structure of English and think word order (many mistakes in
more complex sentences happen when the subject gets separated from the verb)
try verbs instead of abstract nouns where you can
be careful with relative clauses and other complex structures (one relative is more than
enough for each sentence)
try and formulate the whole sentence in your head before you start writing. If you cant, it
may be that the sentence is not complex but complicated not a good thing

How can you achieve this? Avoid complicated ideas and writing too much
There are no marks in IELTS for quality of ideas. They need to be relevant to the
question, but that is all. It really makes no difference if the examiner disagrees with your
thoughts. Many candidates who are aiming for a high score (perhaps because they are
smart), try to show off with great ideas.
Problem you have 40 minutes and you are writing in a second language.
Bigger problem if you try and write something clever, there is a good chance that
your language will become over-complex and you will make mistakes you didnt need to.
Point to consider the more you write: the more likely you are to make mistakes
and the less likely you are to have time to check
Its a language test: always remember that.











Band score 8.0 range of grammar
This lesson looks at the idea of range of grammar. If you are aiming for a high band
score, it is not simply enough not to make mistakes, you also need to show that you can
use a number of different grammatical constructions. First of all, I talk you through some
principles and then I give you some practical suggestions on what sort of grammar can
help and, just as importantly, how to use it.
Test yourself first
Before you read on, you might want to ask yourself these questions:
1. Am I going to impress more with longer sentences?
2. Do I have a strategy for when I use simpler grammar and more complex grammar?
3. When and why do I use complex grammar like relative and conditional clauses?

An essay should combine simple with complex grammar
This is the starting point. A well-written essay should be relatively easy to read. This
means that you need to combine the simple with the complex. Where you have
straightforward to say, you should not try and show off your grammar by making it seem
complex indeed, thats a very common mistake.
Typically, you should aim for:
simple structures when you are making main points often in the opening and/or closing
sentences of your paragraphs
more complex structures when you are explaining/developing those main points in the
body of your paragraphs
a movement from the more simple to the more complex
When you have something simple to say, say it simply. Only use complex structures for
more complex thoughts.

An example of the simple and the complex
This paragraph expresses some complex thoughts, but it starts off simply to make the
main point.
The major argument against hosting international sporting events is financial. Typically,
it can cost several million pounds to build the arenas and modernise the infrastructure so
that it can cater for the athletes and the spectators. This money, it is argued, would be
better spent on welfare and education programmes that provide direct support for the
population.Indeed, some governments have incurred so much debt through hosting the
Olympic Games that they have had to reduce spending on other social programmes.

The first sentence of this paragraph is simple. All I want to do is make clear that the main
reason is financial. I use simple clear English so that reader gets the main point. The
grammar is It is financial.
The next sentences are more complex and use complex structures to express more
complex thoughts so that because I am talking about results would be better
spent because I am talking conditionally that provide direct support for the
population because I am defying my terms.

An essay should combine longer and shorter sentences
In many ways this is the same point. It is absolutely not the case of long sentences good,
short sentences bad. There will be times when a short sentence is more effective than a
long sentence. In general, though, you should avoid the extremes of very long and very
short. Also, you need to ask yourself how complex your sentences are. Shorter sentences
can work:
1. if they are used in combination with longer sentences, or
2. if they are relatively complex
Longer sentences can work:
1. if they are used with shorter sentences, or
2. if they are simpler in structure (using and and but)
Be careful of too many long, complex sentences and too many short simple sentences
A paragraph with different sentence lengths
None of the sentences in this paragraph are particularly long for short.
Another way in which free public transport could improve our quality of life relates to
congestion. Currently, the trend is for increasing numbers of people to choose to drive to
work. This means that in many cases the rush hour is several hours long and it is
sometimes almost impossible to travel across a city. It is probable that this level
of congestion would be reduced by making public transport free.
- The first sentence is shorter because it is the opening sentence of the para and it also
includes the complex in which construction.
- The second sentence is shortish again because it is merely stating a fact no need to
make it more complex
- The third sentence is a longer sentence, but it is simply linked using and
- The final sentence is again relatively short/simple sentence but it does contain a
conditional would and a by structure.

Examples of grammar that can work
This is not intended to be a list of advanced grammar points that will guarantee you a
band score 8.0. Rather, the idea here is to show you grammar connects to meaning.
You should never just use a structure because it is good grammar. Instead, you need to
ask yourself what is the best way I can express this point.
The best writers use these structures when they need to, not because they think they
have to.
1. The passive
I start with the passive because it is so often misused. It is not the case that the passive is
an academic structure that should be used in essays. We use it all the time in all sorts of
contexts. Here, though, is one way you might find it helpful in writing: to avoid
repeating words especially nouns/pronouns. You may want to avoid using some
words too much especially words from the question. Here the passive can help you. In a
question about government action, rather than writing:
The government should introduce measures to
you can try
Measures should be introduced
so that you dont repeat the word government.
2. Relatives
This is another piece of grammar you need to feel comfortable with and can help you.
You should be careful, however, not to overuse relatives as they can make your writing
both confusing and confused. One tip I would give you here is to try and restrict yourself
to one relative per sentence and to try and avoid them in already complex sentences.
Look at this example:
There is a real danger that allowing people to travel for free would deprive transport
authorities funds which they need and lead to a lower standard of service.
The relative can be avoided by changing it into an adjective phrase:
There is a real danger that allowing people to travel for free would deprive transport
authorities of much needed funds and lead to a lower standard of service.
When you do use relatives though is to define terms and add detail. Here is an example in
action:
More than that, if the authorities plan carefully, they can use the occasion of the sporting
event to help finance public works which benefit the whole population in the long term.
I want to say what sort of public works I am referring to so I define them in the
relative which benefit the whole population in the long term.
3. Conditionals
Here is another piece of grammar that can help you out. Provided that is, you see how
and when to use it. One of the best ways to use these conditionals to explain and give
examples. This means they are likely to come in the body of your paragraphs and not the
introduction/opening sentence. Try this example:
There is also, however, a strong argument not to implement this proposal. This argument
is based on economic competitiveness. If a company was forced to employ more workers
to produce the same amount of goods, then its wage bill would rise and its products
might become more expensive and less competitive compared to companies with longer
working weeks. In this case, it is possible that the company either might become insolvent
or it would have to make some employees redundant. As a result, the intended benefit to
the personnel would not happen.
This time around I have given you the whole para so that you can see the context. I use a
conditional because I am explaining a point. You should also see that we use might and
would in the following sentences even though there is no if.
Do you want to show off? Then you might consider using conditionals that do not use if.
So you could use:
Were a company to be forced
4. Parallel structures
There are a number of different parallel structures we have in English. They come in
useful when we are combining, comparing or contrasting points again something
that you are likely to do in your essays. This is a useful piece of grammar to focus on, as
when used well they make your writing more cohesive. For example
Not only would unemployment be reduced, but the working conditions of employees on
very long shifts would also be significantly improved.
You may think not only..but also is too easy to impress. Dont. Simple things done well
impress too and this sentence is complex enough as it is.
5. Verb tenses (of course), impersonal structures and modals
The point to remember here is that it is not difficulty of grammar that is important, rather
it is variety of grammar. This means that some bits of grammar that you think are rather
simple (e.g. tenses) are still important. The point I want to make here is that the one
tense you are going use most is the present simple. Checking my essays, I find that
easily the most common tense I use is the present simple. Thats how it should be it is
easily the most common tense in English.
You do want some variety though, and here is how I get it. I use a lot of impersonal
structures
There are several reasons why
and I also use a large number of modal verbs:
It can also be argued that
The point here is that I use them to make impersonal points or sound academic. They too
have their meanings and uses.
6. And and but
Never be afraid of keeping it simple. I do. My essays work. You will also find that I
almost never use moreover and furthermore. More to the point, neither do band 8.0
candidates typically. When all you want to do is add a point say and and if you want to
make a contrast, you are most likely to use but or however,.
Test your own writing
The best advice is of course always to find yourself a teacher, but if you are working by
yourself, here is something you can do. Find an essay you have written and go through it:
1. Do you use different grammatical structures? (You should have at least some of the ones
I have mentioned)
2. Can you see why you have used any of the more complex structures?
3. How long is your average sentence? (around 15 words is about right I would suggest)
4. Do your paragraphs combine longer and shorter sentences and simpler and more complex
sentences?
5. Do you use and and but?

















Band score 8.0 range of vocabulary
This is the next in my series of lessons in how to achieve a high band score in IELTS
essays. This time the focus is on vocabulary. There is no magic bullet here vocabulary
learning takes time. Thats the bad news. What I do do though is to talk you through
some of the more common problems with vocabulary in essays and give you some tips on
avoiding them. Youll also find a bonus essay to download.
A sample essay weak vocabulary
Read through this sample essay. It is well structured and addresses the question, but it is
weak on vocab. Can you see what the problems are?
We live in a world where health and safety is more and more important. One of the signs
of this is the demand that dangerous sports should be banned. While I understand that
argument, my view is that people should be free to do whatever sports they want.
The biggest reason for objecting to extreme sports is that they can be very dangerous and
can sometimes kill people. More than that, it is not just the sportspeople who are in
danger, but spectators too can be badly injured. If, for example, a Formula 1 car crashes,
the driver may be hurt and it is possible that people in the crowd will be too. Because of
this danger, it is understandable why people want the government to ban these sports.
The opposite argument is that people should be free to do whatever risk they want. So, if
someone wants to jump out of a plane, then they should be allowed to and the
government cannot say what they should do. A further point is that many dangerous
sports are not very risky and it is as dangerous doing everyday activities such as crossing
the road or cooking a meal as bungee jumping.
My personal view is that the government should regulate dangerous sports, but it should
not ban them. It should also make certain that there is as little danger as possible
because safety is the most important thing. This is most important for young children.
Seeing the problems repetition
One of the most common problems is you can get stuck on certain words. This
frequently happens with words in the question itself. To some extent this is unavoidable
and you will see my improved version retains quite a lot of repetition there is simply
less of it.
See the repetition corrected
We live in a world where health and safety is more and more important. One of the signs
of this people want the government to ban dangerous sports. While I understand that
argument, my view is that people should be free to do whatever sports they want.
We live in a world where health and safety is an ever greater priority. One of the signs of
this is the demand that dangerous sports should be banned. While I understand that
argument, my view is that, within certain limits, people should retain the freedom to
participate in whatever sports they choose.
The biggest reason for objecting to dangerous sports is that they can be
very dangerous and can sometimes kill people. More than that, it is not just the
sportspeople who are in danger, but spectators too can be badly hurt. If, for example, a
Formula 1 car crashes, the driver may be hurt and it is possible that people in the crowd
will be too. Because of this danger, it is understandable why people want
the government to ban these sports.
The principal reason for objecting to extreme sports is of course that they can be highly
dangerous and sometimes life-threatening. More than that, it is not just the participants
who are at risk, but spectators too can be seriously injured. If, for example, a Formula 1
car crashes, the driver may not escape unharmed and there is also a chance that a
bouncing tyre or debris will fly into the crowd. Given this level of danger, it is
understandable why people call for the authorities to take action.
The opposite argument is that people should be free to do whatever risk they want. So, if
someone wants to jump out of a plane, then they should be allowed to and the
government cannot say what they should do. A further point is that many dangerous
sports are not very risky and it is as dangerous doing everyday activities such as crossing
the road or cooking a meal as bungee jumping.
The counter argument is that people should be allowed to assume whatever risk they
choose. So, if someone wishes to freefall from a plane at 30,000 feet, then they should be
free to do so and it should be accepted that it is not the place of the government to dictate
how they lead their lives. A further point is that in statistical terms there is a low
probability of injury in many so-called dangerous sports and people are at greater
risk carrying out everyday activities such as crossing the road or cooking a meal as
bungee jumping.
My personal view is that the government should regulate dangerous sports, but it should
not ban them. It should also make certain that there is as little danger as possible because
safety is the most important thing. This is most important for young children who cannot
make their own decisions.
My personal view is that while the government and other authorities do need to regulate
dangerous sports, it would be preferable not to impose a ban on them entirely. I would
suggest that safeguards need to be established so that any risk is minimised. What these
safeguards are will vary from sport to sport, but safety has to be paramount, especially
where minors are involved.

Tip think of vocabulary before you start writing
The idea is quite simple. If you think of the words you want to use before you write, then
you can use them. On the other hand, if you start writing too quickly, then it becomes
much harder to try and vary your vocab.
Tip repetition should be on everyones editing checklist
One of my top tips is that everyone should have a mental checklist of the type of errors
they look for when they check their work Im going to look for any mistake doesnt
really work. The point here is that even the best writers can subconsciously get stuck on
words and keep on repeating them if they are not careful.
Tip if you cant find another word, repeat it in a different form
Sometimes there is only one correct word. In this case, the best advice is not to find
another word that may well be wrong, but to change the word slightly. This can mean
using the noun form and not the verb form (ban becomes impose a ban on) or to qualify it
with another word so ban becomes ban entirely.
Seeing the problems avoid language that is too simple
In general, I am a fan of the simple. There are times, however, when you want to upgrade
your English, in particular
avoiding words like big that are not normally used in more formal written English
avoiding words like do unless they are part of a set phrase there is almost always a
better variation
finding variations for words such as very to show your range
thinking about collocations (phrases)
See the simple language improved
We live in a world where health and safety is more and more important. One of the signs
of this people want the government to ban dangerous sports. While I understand that
argument, my view is that people should be free to do whatever sports they want.
We live in a world where health and safety is an ever greater priority. One of the signs of
this is the demand that dangerous sports should be banned. While I understand that
argument, my view is that, within certain limits, people should retain the freedom to
participate in whatever sports they choose.
The biggest reason for objecting to dangerous sports is that they can
be very dangerous and can sometimes kill people. More than that, it is not just the
sportspeople who are in danger, but spectators too can be badly hurt. If, for example, a
Formula 1 car crashes, the driver may be hurt and it is possible that people in the crowd
will be too. Because of this danger, it is understandable
why people want the government to ban these sports.
The principal reason for objecting to extreme sports is of course that they can
be highly dangerous and sometimes life-threatening. More than that, it is not just the
participants who are at risk, but spectators too can be seriously injured. If, for example, a
Formula 1 car crashes, the driver may not escape unharmed and there is also a chance
that a bouncing tyre or debris will fly into the crowd. Given this level of danger, it is
understandable why people call for the authorities to take action.
The opposite argument is that people should be free to do whatever risk they want. So, if
someone wants to jump out of a plane, then they should be allowed to and the
government cannot say what they should do. A further point is that many dangerous
sports are not very risky and it is as dangerous doing everyday activities such as crossing
the road or cooking a meal as bungee jumping.
The counter argument is that people should be allowed to assume whatever risk they
choose. So, if someone wishes to freefall from a plane at 30,000 feet, then they should be
free to do so and it should be accepted that it is not the place of the government to dictate
how they lead their lives. A further point is that in statistical terms there is a low
probability of injury in many so-called dangerous sports and people are at greater
risk carrying out everyday activities such as crossing the road or cooking a meal as
bungee jumping.
My personal view is that the government should regulate dangerous sports, but it should
not ban them. It should also make certain that there is as little danger as possible because
safety is the most important thing. This is most important for young children who cannot
make their own decisions.
My personal view is that while the government and other authorities do need to regulate
dangerous sports, it would be preferable not to impose a ban on them entirely. I would
suggest that safeguards need to be established so that any risk is minimised. What these
safeguards are will vary from sport to sport, but safety has to be paramount, especially
where minors are involved.

Tip when you learn vocabulary, learn phrases and not just words
Part of solution to this problem is to learn phrases. For example, you are much more
likely to be able to use participate, if you have first learnt the phrase participate in a
sport.
Finding solutions think examples for precise language
This is one of my favourite suggestions. The idea is that if you learn to use examples
well, you get to use language that is precise and sometimes relatively simple. Take a look
at this revised versions of the examples. the revisions may seem quite small, but I get to
use precise language a good thing.
The counter argument is that people should be allowed to assume whatever risk they
choose. So, if someone wishes to freefall from a plane at 30,000 feet, then they should be
free to do so and it should be accepted that it is not the place of the government to dictate
how they lead their lives. A further point is that in statistical terms there is a low
probability of injury in many so-called dangerous sports and people are at greater
risk carrying out everyday activities such as crossing the road or cooking a meal as
bungee jumping.
The principal reason for objecting to extreme sports is of course that they can be highly
dangerous and sometimes life-threatening. More than that, it is not just the participants
who are at risk, but spectators too can be seriously injured. If, for example, a Formula 1
car crashes, the driver may not escape unharmed and there is also a chance that a
bouncing tyre or debris will fly into the crowd. Given this level of danger, it is
understandable why people call for the authorities to take action.
Finding solutions be academic and use qualifying language
Part of the academic writing skill is learning to qualify what you say so that it is not too
general. Take a look at these two examples of qualifying phrases I add in to the improved
version. Again, the changes may seem small but taken together they can have a
significant effect on your writing.
We live in a world where health and safety is an ever greater priority. One of the signs of
this is the demand that dangerous sports should be banned. While I understand that
argument, my view is that, within certain limits, people should retain the freedom to
participate in whatever sports they choose.
The counter argument is that people should be allowed to assume whatever risk they
choose. So, if someone wishes to freefall from a plane at 30,000 feet, then they should be
free to do so and it should be accepted that it is not the place of the government to dictate
how they lead their lives. A further point is that in statistical terms there is a low
probability of injury in many so-called dangerous sports and people are at greater
risk carrying out everyday activities such as crossing the road or cooking a meal as
bungee jumping.
Finding solutions focus your vocabulary learning on academic vocabulary
This is in many ways the big one. Learning vocabulary takes time. One excellent way to
do it is simply to read and listen as much as possible. You will absorb more new words
that way than by sitting down and studying any word list. However, there is a however.
To get a high band score, you want to learn the right words to use in essays.
Academic vocabulary and IELTS
Certain words in English are simply more academic than others. This does not
necessarily mean they are difficult words, it just means native speakers tend to use
them more when they are writing more formally. They are in other words exactly the sort
of words you want in IELTS. Take these examples from the improved essay:
retain
principal
assume
participate in
These are all excellent words to learn as they can be used in all sorts of different
contexts. All I would add is that you also need to learn how to use them and that is where
my daily word exercises come in.





Band score 8.0 writing better paragraphs
This is the next lesson in my series on how to achieve high band scores in IELTS writing.
The focus this time is on writing better paragraphs and improving the coherence of your
writing. This is a problem that is common at high levels where candidates have plenty of
good language but sometimes dont use it very effectively.
Sometimes it is easier to understand a problem by looking at something that is not quite
right. So this time I look at ways of improving a sample of writing from a candidate who
has consistently scored 6.5 in writing (4 times in a row I believe!), but who is certainly
capable of scoring more highly. He has in fact already completed a masters such is the
absurdity of the IELTS system.
As a bonus, I also include a download of a sample essay on the theme of employment and
promotion.
Coherence and cohesion distinguished
To understand the problem it is first necessary to understand a little of the difference
between coherence and cohesion. Put simply, cohesion is the linking of your writing by
using connecting words, while coherence is making sure your writing makes sense. The
important point to note is that it is quite possible for a piece of writing to be cohesive
but not very coherent.
The sample paragraph cohesion
In some ways, this is a very good paragraph. There is a good range of vocabulary, the
grammar is fine and it has lots of good cohesion structures which I have highlighted in
red. There is much to learn here:
this/that/these/those are excellent cohesion structures as they link back to something that
was already mentioned
repeating certain words (performance companies) also helps cohesion as it helps
the reader make connections between sentences
The principal reason why some people take this view is that most multi-national
companies certainly implement some specific policies to select employees for
promotion. This point, of course, could be demonstrated by individuals who worked
in those companies. For example, when I was working in an American company in
Shanghai, before each fiscal year, I usually discussed with my supervisor in order to
draw up a formal agreement, which was called Performance and Development
Review. By doing this, the job performance I did for several months could be judged by
my employer , which meant if it was a good outcome, I would be promoted immediately
even though I was only a junior employee at that time.
Another version more coherent
So wheres the problem then? For me, the problem is that when I get to the end of the
paragraph, I am not immediately clear what the main point being made was. This can
perhaps be best shown by looking at my improved version of the same paragraph.
Despite these reasons, there is a strong argument in favour of also promoting staff
because of their performance. This can be seen by how some multi-nationals use annual
performance and development reviews when deciding on promotion. Under this system, a
supervisor can set targets for an employee and if those targets are met, then the employee
can be promoted, even if they are relatively junior. The benefit of this approach to
promotion is that it encourages staff to work harder and rewards merit and not just long
service.
Notes
1. Less can be more
My version is considerably shorter than the original even though it makes all the same
points. Sometimes, it can help your writing become more coherent if you concentrate on
using fewer words. Likewise, I am not afraid to keep my sentences relatively short.
Again, it can be easier to transmit your ideas if your sentences do not become too
complicated.
2. Identify the main idea of the paragraph put it in the first sentence
The first step is to identify what one point you want to make in the paragraph and to state
it clearly in the first sentence. In this example, the main point is promoting staff because
of their performance. Part of the problem with the original version is that most multi-
national companies certainly implement some specific policies to select employees for
promotion is not particularly clear. The idea of performance only occurs in the 4th/5th
line.

3. Keep the first sentence short dont be afraid of keeping it simple
My version uses more simple vocabulary. I avoid words like specific. My goal is
absolute clarity. All I want to do is show the reader what the idea of the paragraph is.
4. Think about how you use examples and reasons omit unnecessary details
Part of the problem with the original version is that the example is rather long and there is
a danger that the main point is lost. Examples tend to be a good thing, but you need to
think carefully how you use them. Do they illustrate the point you want to make. In the
sample paragraph, there is so much detail (Shanghai) that the point of the example is
rather lost.
5. Consider how you end your paragraph
One way that my paragraph is extremely coherent is that in my final sentence I come
back to the main idea of the paragraph in a circular approach:
promoting staff because of their performance (first sentence)
this approach to promotion is that it encourages staff to work harder and rewards merit
(last sentence)
Practice suggestion
Write paragraphs, not essays
One very simple suggestion is that you practise writing paragraphs and not just essays. It
can be a problem if you only write essays, as it is harder to focus on one particular
skill. As you write the paragraph, it helps to focus on:
simple first sentences that identify the main point of the paragraph and relate to the
question
consider using a circular approach where you restate the main point in the final sentence
leaving out details that are irrelevant
remember cohesion too (that part of the sample was excellent)
Test your own writing: what was the essay question?
Another idea is to look at some of your old essays and read the first sentences of the main
topic paragraphs. If you have written well, you should be able to predict the question of
the essay from the first sentences of those paragraphs.