Learning to be more present and empathic to ourselves and our children

A few days ago, I went to our local health food shop with my two children, Lana
(8), and Sunny (3). Before we left, they both had some feelings brewing. Inste
ad of staying and listening to them, I chose to go, since the shop was about to
close and we had run out of our favourite foods. Once we arrived in the shop, t
hey got very agitated; Sunny talked to Lana in a loud and upset voice, and Lana
wanted Sunny to do something he didnt want to do.
Im celebrating what I did next I thought, Theyre really upset; they needed some conn
ection and empathy before we left and I didnt give it to them. Now were here and
I really want to buy these couple of things, and then well go home and Ill give th
em the full connection and empathy that they need. After thinking that, I gave t
hem some warm empathy about feeling upset, and told them that Id be really quick,
and then wed go home and Id listen fully to their feelings. And thats what happen
ed.
You may be wondering why Im telling this story. Im celebrating because I remember
ed times in the past where something similar had happened, yet my internal dialo
gue and responses had been very different.
One of those past times, Id gone into a spiral of self-judgment I told myself tha
t I hadnt listened to them when they really needed it, and that meant I wasnt doin
g Aware Parenting, and that they had loads of accumulated feelings, and that mea
nt I wasnt being the parent I wanted to be, and how could I help other parents wh
en I wasnt even doing it myself, and so on and so on . And then Id felt despondent
and upset, and close to tears. Id disconnected from Lana and Sunny, and didnt say
much to them, and got home as soon as possible, to judge myself some more about
how Id handled the situation
Another time, I had told myself how difficult things were, and how I never get m
y needs met, and why wouldnt they just cooperate with me, and then Id felt frustra
ted and angry and had spoken to them in a frustrated tone of voice. Id bought th
e food we needed, and stomped off home, with a sense of blame and resignation.
In both of these past times, I was so caught up in believing the unpleasant stor
y I told myself about what was going on, that I was a million miles away from th
e present moment. I certainly wasnt available to offer the here-and-now warm and
empathic connection that my children most needed when they were feeling upset.
A while ago, I wrote about three main ways we react to our children when they ar
e feeling upset: detachment, sympathy, and empathy. I started thinking about th
ese again after the shopping incident:
Detachment
In the past; my internal dialogue had led to me feeling upset, and then Id gone d
istant, and unavailable for empathic connection with Lana and Sunny.
Detachment occurs when our child expresses feelings and for one reason or anothe
r, we begin to feel upset too. (This could be because we connect to similar feel
ings, or we start a critical self-judgment, or we begin to remember how we felt
during similar situations when we were children). To protect ourselves from our
own feelings, we disconnect from what is going on for us, and so also disconnect
from our child. This might be literally, as in leaving them, or sending them a
way, or it might come in the shape of dissociation when we are still there physi
cally, yet emotionally we have become distant. Our child feels this lack and se
nses our emotional absence, which can be frightening for them. It certainly doe
snt meet their need for connection and support.
Sympathy
In my other old shopping example, it was like me being in the soup of upset feel
ings with them as if we were three children, all desperately trying to be heard.
Sympathy occurs when our child has some feelings, and we then also feel upset.
We may go into similar feelings of our own, or get lost in a loop of uncomfortab
le thoughts and feelings. When we are in there, we are no longer present with o
ur child. Babies and children can sense a lack of emotional safety when this ha
ppens, and dont experience being fully seen and heard.
Empathy
What I actually did this time (yay!) is an example of empathy.
When we are centred in our own presence, we are able to simply be there, and fee
l love and compassion for our child when they are upset. They feel our empathic
warmth and love for them. We neither retreat away from their feelings, nor fall
in the intensity of feelings with them. Babies and children experience this as
emotional safety. They are seen for who they are, and for what they feel. The
y dont need to become something else to help us feel more comfortable. They stay
connected to their own authentic being-ness.
When we are present in our centre, and listen to our baby or childs feelings, we
hear them, and we also know that they are also safe and loved. We do not fall i
nto believing that the pain they are expressing in that moment is all who they a
re. By remembering their wholeness and presence, we hold a safe space for them
to experience their painful feelings.
Parenting Styles
Detachment, sympathy, and empathy are ways we can look at different parenting st
yles. When we are more permissive in our parenting, we tend to get into sympath
y with our children we get confused between their feelings and our own, and we l
ose ourselves. We may do whatever we can to prevent our child from feeling upse
t.
With authoritarian styles of parenting, we tend to get detached from our childs f
eelings and needs, and we may blame them for our feelings, and disregard the rea
sons for their actions.
With democratic parenting, we aim to stay connected with our own presence, and o
ur feelings and needs, whilst also being aware of our childs feelings and needs.
We intend to understand what is going on for our children, and to trust that th
ere are ways for us both of us to get our needs met.
Increasing presence and empathy
How do we increase the times that we are present and empathic with our children,
rather than detached or in sympathy with them? How do we nourish our ability t
o parent democratically?
I find that the friendlier and more compassionate I am with myself, the more I a
m able to parent with presence.
When my children are upset, or do something that I dont enjoy, and I start with a
n unfriendly dialogue inside my head, there isnt much likelihood of me being able
to really hear what is going on for them. I am also not in a position to think
clearly and find a solution to meet everyones needs.
In contrast, when my internal dialogue is compassionate, avoids painful conclusi
ons, and stays simple and calm, then Im much more likely to be able to respond in
a warm and loving way to my children (and myself).
Two types of feelings
Something Ive found really helpful with this self-friendliness is differentiating
between on the one hand, painful feelings that need to be acknowledged; and on
the other hand, feelings that are simply created by the judgmental things Im tell
ing myself.
When I tell the difference between the two, I have ways to move back to presence
.
If its the first kind; Im feeling upset and I need to acknowledge those feelings,
then doing this feels nourishing, and I come back to being present again. For e
xample, say a friend is moving away, and Im feeling sad; then I give time to just
be with that sadness, and let it move through me, then there is a sweetness to
the sadness, and I am still able to connect with my children and what is going o
n for them.
However, if the feelings are created by judgmental self-talk, then I come back t
o presence by becoming aware of those thoughts, and then choosing a different wa
y of seeing things. For example, say Im feeling frustrated when one of my childr
en doesnt do what I ask, and I check in, and find that Im saying to myself somethi
ng like, No-one is going to help me; I always do it all myself, and I see that tho
se thoughts are causing the pain. Instead, I choose not to believe them. The s
imple fact is that my child said no. and I find something more friendly, like, Wel
l, Id love some help, and actually Im really glad that shes telling me whats really
true for her. And wow, Im remembering all the things she does do to help. And I
can help myself, and so Im going to have a ten minute sit-down on a comfy chair
on the deck to recharge my batteries.
I find that seeing the difference between the two origins of feelings, and knowi
ng what to do to help myself with each, means that as time goes by, I react less
in ways that I dont want to with my kids, and more in ways that I want to
Each time I respond in a calm and compassionate and present way with my children
, I celebrate! And I imagine that they do too!
Roll on, next shopping trip!
sursa: http://www.parentingwithpresence.net/index.php?pageid=4938