Week 10 - Your Money Your Relationships

Overview of Week #10
How did you go?

Objective of Module #10 - Your Money Your Relationships
Money in Relationships
A man is not a financial plan
Merging beliefs, mindset and habits
Dynamic of balance
Whos money is it? Who pays???
Dealing with Relationship Breakups
Cutting the financial ties
Getting what you deserve
Shared Finances - T.E.A. for Two
Transparency
Equality
Accountability
Bonus - Technique for Co-creating in Relationships
Opposites may attract, but I wouldnt put my money on a relationship of
financial opposites.
- Suze Orman
Week #10
Your Money Your Relationships
Copyright 2013-4 Susan Broughton, Journey to Abundance
How did you go?
Exercise #1 - How did you go with implementing any commitments that you
wrote down in the last module for working with some shadow aspect of
yourself?
Exercise #2 - How do you feel about the actions you took? How do you feel
about the actions you didnt take (if applicable)?
Week #10
Objective of Module #10 - Your Money
Your Relationships
The objective of module #10 - Your Money Your
Relationships is all about discovering how your
relationships impact your money and how your financial
situation impacts your relationships.
This module also focuses on increasing your sense of
personal value in your relationships - including but not
limited to your primary intimate relationship.
This module is about money in your primary intimate
relationships but it is not only about how money can
impact, and be impacted by, our primary relationships.
Whats the
point???
Even if you are not currently in a relationship and/or are not planning to be
in one for some time I encourage you to consider taking the time to work
through this module to reflect on past intimate relationships, to consider how
money impacts non-romantic relationships and to consider what you would
like your future relationship(s) to look like.
This module explores money in relationships; how our beliefs, mindset and
habits are impacted and effected by those that we are close to.
There is a section about dealing with relationship breakups and cutting the
financial ties which gives guidance about how to make this process more
graceful.
We will discuss romantic relationships and T.E.A. for two. T.E.A. is the
essential three ingredients for a grounded and functional way of dealing with
money in relation to others. This represents (T)ransparency, (E)quality and
(A)ccountability. This module describes each of these concepts and how they
all need to be in place to support healthy relationships.
Lastly this module includes a bonus which is a technique for co-creating in
relationships. This technique is all about how to communicate your needs and
desires clearly and make decisions that will best suit each person.
There is a lot covered in this module as money can impact your relationships
in so many ways. Take the time to work through this module and get what you
need from it right now.
Note: this module is written for women and there are references to your
partner being a man. Should you be in a same sex or intersex relationship
please substitute man for the word/term which feels right for you.
Week #10
Money in Relationships
Money tends to be a super charged subject at times and at times a subject that
supercharges other things. When relationships are running smoothly, small
issues that involve money or even larger issues can be dealt with together in a
loving and supportive way.
When relationships have problems such as lack of trust, respect,
commitment, or communication issues, then money issues can massively
exasperate the other underlying issues.
To create a truly healthy relationship, money matters do need to be addressed
in a grounded and effective way.
This module does not seek to provide solutions to underlying relationship
problems but does seek to illustrate a picture of how to handle money in a
measured and grounded way within a functional and healthy relationship.
A man is not a financial plan
One little issue we need to get out of the way, right away, is the fact that being
in a relationship is not a solution to money problems.
A man is not a financial plan.
It can be wonderful to be in a relationship and
often couples can have an easier and healthier
financial situation than singles. However, being
in a relationship is not a cure all for financial
worries.
It is not his responsibility to provide for you, take care of you or make sure
you live comfortably. Hoping to marry a rich man is not a financial plan.
According to the book Why Men Love Bitches most men want their women to
have at least some degree of financial independence.
Generally I strongly encourage all women to take responsibility for their
finances and not expect your partner to do it for you.
Merging beliefs, mindset and habits
Have you noticed how when you spend a lot of time with a person you may
find you start to behave like them in some ways? You may start to repeat
phrases or words they say or even take on ways of thinking or being that they
exhibit.
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In much the same way, when we spend a lot of time with
someone we may begin to merge our money beliefs, mindset
and habits with the other.
Such a merger could happen with our partner or other
important people in our lives. We have also learned a lot of
our money beliefs, mindset and habits from what our
parents did or didnt do.
Exercise #3 - What, if any, money beliefs, values, mindset, habits, or
priorities do you currently hold that you are aware do not serve you?
Can these be given back to a current or previous partner, to your parents or
anyone else in your life?
Dynamic of Balance
When it comes to relationships or partnerships of any kind, even two friends
traveling together, often when one person takes a relaxed stance the other will
take a more uptight one and vice versa.
Often the more extreme the relaxed stance the more
extreme the uptight or rigid the other will become and
vice versa.
This is the opposite of the merging concept above.
This can be exasperated when it comes to money
matters.
To illustrate this concept of balance with regards to
money matters in partnerships:
- one will want to communicate about money, get educated about money,
and/or be aware of what is going on and one will prefer to avoid it,
- one will spend money often, easily, even what one may consider carelessly
and the other will be motivated to save,
Week #10
- one will want to make conservative investment choices and the other will be
hungry for risk,
- one will want to pay all debt off and the other will want more debt (or the
things that debt allows them to buy).
Those are just a few of the many ways we can compensate in relationships for
the other persons behavior.
Exercise #4 - Think about your current relationship and/or previous
relationships. Can you identify any examples of how this dynamic of balance
played out in your relationship and the ways you each interacted with money?
Whos money is it? Who pays???
There is sometimes still an expectation that men will pay for dates. Some
women really enjoy the man paying for the date. Some people also think that
the person who asks the other on the date should pay. Some believe it is good
to take turns or each pay their own way.
Money can create tension even in dating
relationships as there are not always clear
expectations around who should pay. I dont
advocate for one option over others but I
would suggest that even early in dating
relationships money need to be discussed -
even if it is just to clarify those expectations.
As things move along and the relationship
becomes more serious other expectations
can creep in such as who will pay the rent,
who pays for the bills, the holidays, etc.
I would suggest that communicating your
values and expectations is important to
avoid resentments or other problems.
Week #10
Exercise #5 - Can you think of a time when there was not enough
communication around money in one of your dating or more serious
relationships? What happened? How could things go smoother next time?
Dealing with Relationship Breakups
When you are married or have been living with someone in a de facto
relationship, and the relationship ends, it can be a process to cut the ties
financially as well as emotionally.
It can take time to put into action all that needs to be done to move on
financially. Often challenging emotions are stirred up in the process.
Financial settlements may need to be
agreed upon, court documents may need
to be filed, you may need to move house,
set yourself up again, the household
income is affected and your expenses are
likely to change.
Breakups can be very expensive.
After a breakup a woman must literally reinvent themselves financially.
At times the mental and emotional energy required to take the necessary
steps to move on is just not all there right away. Sometimes things get taken
care of in stages rather than all at once.
It may be a good idea to deal with all of this right away from legal
perspective, however, you may need to be gentle with yourself and this
process if you find it challenging. If you need time and support I encourage
you to ask for and take it.
Week #10
Cutting the financial ties
Your financial settlement may be amicable or it may be a battle. Regardless, it
may be necessary to engage with lawyers and file court documents.
This module is not intended to be legal advice. It may be necessary to engage
a lawyer to find out what options you have and what implications there are for
taking different courses of action.
It is a good idea to ask for legal advice to explain what it will mean if you dont
get court orders to finalise your settlement. Can your ex-partner come back
later and try to get money from you? What can you do to protect yourself and
your children (if applicable)?
As a rule of thumb there are generally three separate issues that must be
taken care of:
1. financial separation of assets,
2. care/custody of children, and
3. child maintenance.
If children are involved 2 and 3 will generally apply.
Getting what you deserve
Many times when relationships breakdown one or both of the partners seeks
to use money or the financial settlement to get back at the other.
I have heard of many cases where this drags out the time involved in the
settlement process and causes additional pain and heartache for those
involved.
I have also heard of many cases where women throw their hands in the air
in frustration and settle for far less than they deserve just to get the process
over and done with so they can move on with their lives.
I would encourage anyone in this situation to
consider the motives behind the actions they
take or do not take.
The Money Harmony Journal process can be
very powerful for understanding feelings and
motivations around the settlement process and
settlement entitlements.
Generally I would suggest that action taken
from a place of wanting to get back at an ex will
be fruitless and create more pain.
Week #10
Action taken from a place of genuinely connecting to your own worth, the
value you brought to the relationship, the need you may have to care for
children, and that you deserve to walk away with a settlement that reflects
this is a much healthier approach.
Exercise for those who have ended a relationship which required a
financial settlement.
Exercise #6 - Take time now to reflect on your financial settlement and your
feelings of getting what you deserve. Does any awareness come up for you
right now about this?
Use the Money Harmony Journal process to uncover more awareness.
Shared Finances - T.E.A. for Two
When you first begin dating it may not be appropriate
to discuss the subject of the others finances. You may
not ask a man on the first date how much he earns, if
he owns his own house, how much debt he has or what
his investment portfolio looks like.
You may get a sense of what a mans financial
situation is - or you may think you are getting a sense
of it - based on the car he drives, by the home he lives
in, by the job or career he has.
Appearances can be misleading. A man may be living beyond his means and
accumulating debt, he may have risky investments or business ventures that
could bankrupt him at any minute, he could be a past or current bankrupt, he
could even have a problem with gambling.
At exactly what point you decide to broach the topic of money in your new
relationship is up to you. I would suggest that this conversation is broached
by the time you get to the point of considering building a life together.
Week #10
If you are considering moving in together, marriage, starting a family - which
do not necessarily all happen in that order - it would be a good time for each
of your to understand each others finances as they will impact your life
together. This means you will need to disclose your financial situation as well.
Single? Exercise #7 - When do you think is an appropriate time for you to
have this conversation with your next potential partner?
OR In a relationship? Exercise #8 - Have you had the money
conversation with your partner? Do you know their values around money and
are you aware of all financial obligations that will affect your life together?
Ways that finances can be shared
There are many ways that partners can share finances. Some couples have
separate accounts, some joint accounts, and some a combination of both.
Some couples split expenses 50/50, others split bills by type of bill,
sometimes one partner will support the other in part or entirely.
Some couples share the responsibility for looking after the financial affairs
and making financial decisions. Other couples have one partner that makes
most, if not all, of the decisions and/or looks after the finances.
I do not advocate one arrangement in
favour of another.
Regardless of the arrangement you
create that suits you, the most
important thing is that both people are
comfortable with the arrangement and
feel the other person loves them and
values their safety (financial and
otherwise).
It is essential that you communicate about your values and desires. Trust is
also essential in relationships.
Week #10
Single? Exercise #9 - What does your ideal partnership look like in terms
of shared finances and money matters? How will things be structured? Who
will take responsibility? Are there any issues you would like to avoid?
OR Partnered?
Exercise #10A - What aspects of shared finances do you take care of? What
does your partner take care of?
Exercise #10B - Are there ways you desire to be more involved? Are there
ways you desire to be less involved? Are you aware of any issues?
Transparency
The concept of transparency does not mean that each partner will audit the
other person. This doesnt mean you will check up on everything, look at their
payslips, examine their bank statements, analyse all their investment/
business reports and demand a credit check.
What transparency is about is a general feeling of trust and clarity. You feel
you understand your partners financial situation. You feel comfortable asking
them about it.
You understand that your partners
financial situation impacts the decisions
and options available to both of you as a
couple. Your partner understands that
disclosing this information to you is
honest and in integrity.
From a place of full transparency you can
both go about co-creating your life
together in a way that serves both of you
and allows you to each live your life to the
fullest without individual worry, stress or
anxiety about finances. You are going at it
as a team.
Week #10
Single? Exercise #11 - What would you want to ask your next potential
partner so that you feel you have a full handle on their financial affairs? Do
you believe you would feel comfortable to ask them? What benefit might you
gain from being clear about this?
OR Partnered? Exercise #12 - Are their any aspects of your partners
finances that you are not clear on? Do you feel comfortable to ask them? What
benefit might you gain from being clear about this?
Equality
Often in relationships one partner earns more money than they other. Does
this mean they get more weight in how financial decisions are made?
In a perfectly balanced world each partner would earn
the same amount of money, do the same amount of
housework, cook as many meals, bring the same
amount of love and support, spend the same amount
of time with the children, basically do everything
exactly the same - would that be equal?
We live in a world where that can rarely, if ever,
happen. In the world we live in each partner will bring
something different to the relationship. One may cook
more, one may earn more money, one may carry more
of the emotional load, etc.
In some cases one partner may be out of work, ill, disabled or in some way
needing extra support or assistance.
The point is not that each person does the same things or that things are
always perfectly balanced, the point is that each partner in a relationship
should ideally have an equal voice in decision making.
Recognising the value each person brings to the relationship and being clear
and honest about what each person desires to receive from the relationship is
a good step to establishing equality in the relationship.
Week #10
Single? - use the next three exercises as a hypothetical for your next
relationship or as a reflection on a previous one - whichever feels more useful
to you right now.
OR Partnered? - use the next three exercises to bring awareness to your
current relationship or as a reflection on a previous one - whichever feels
more useful to you right now.
Exercise #13- What value do/did you bring to the relationship?
Exercise #14 - What value does/did the other person bring to the
relationship?
Exercise #15 - Are there ways you desire(d) to give more to this
relationship? Are there ways you desire(d) to receive more from this
relationship?
Week #10
Accountability
Accountability follows on from transparency and equality. It is about being
able to justify how decisions, that affect the relationship or family unit
(should there be one), are being made.
Accountability should ideally exist to the extent that it is appropriate given
the status of the relationship and the structure of joint finances
Some people believe that it is
normal or just a part of life to
hide aspects of their finances
from their partner; spending
money their partner doesnt
know about, saving money
their partner doesnt know
about, or having debt that
their partner doesnt know
about.
I am not suggesting that it is necessary to discuss every little thing but I would
suggest if there are things that you feel need to be kept hidden this may be a
clue that there is an underlying issue.
If you feel your partner may be keeping things from you I would also wonder
why they feel this is necessary.
There were times, not so long ago, when men took care of all the money
matters and women would be oblivious to much of what was going on, in this
day and age it is not empowering for a women to take such a back seat
approach to money. Doing so may result in disaster for her and her family.
Exercise #16 - In your past or current relationships have you ever felt like
you couldnt ask your partner about some aspect of finances? Have you ever
felt like you have needed to hide something? What impact did this have?
Week #10
Exercise #17 - Following your intuition, what things did you discover or
become aware of in this module that might be the most important for you to
pay some attention to right now regarding your money and relationships?
Exercise #18 - What commitment would you like to make today regarding
your money and your relationships?
Only 2 modules left to complete!
You are doing amazing!!!
Week #10
Bonus - Technique for Co-creating in
Relationships
It could be your annual planned spending,
how you choose to relax and do self care,
your holiday or even a big decision like
buying a house.
It could be any decision you are making with
an intimate partner that involves money. It
could also be a decision you are making with
any business partner, friend or relative that
involves a joint expenditure or investment of
some kind.
How do you ensure you both get what you want out of it? How do you
communicate your different points of view with respect? How do you merge
your desires so you both feel like you get the most important things?
The following is a step by step process which works well for co-creating in
relationships.
Step 1 - Get Clear
Each person starts by get clear on what you want and why. Completing the
Money Harmony Journal process is a great place to start.
Then, if you are, for example looking at buying a home, list all the attributes
that are important to each of you. This could include cost, location, number of
bedrooms, etc.
Do this exercise separately, it is about each of you connecting to what you
desire without being influenced by the others desires.
Step 2 - Share and Compare
Look at what each other have listed in the Money Harmony Journal exercise.
Look at each others lists of desired attributes. This is not a time for
judgement or convincing, just honest respectful sharing.
You may find they listed something that didnt come to your mind. Even if
their attributes are not as important to you, you add it to your list so that you
both have identical lists at the end of step 2.
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Step 3 - Rank the Importance
No each go through your list and number the attributes in order of
importance. For example location may be more important to you than price
and less important than number of bedrooms.
1 - number of bedrooms, 2 - location, 3 - price
Step 4 - Merge your Priorities
Now that you have a numeric value next to each priority you can add the
numbers together to merge the two lists. All the items now have a priority
number.
Step 5 - Decide
You can now make your final decision together based on how well your
options meet your merged priorities list.
Week #10

Week 10 - Your Money Your Relationships

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Overview of Week #10

How did you go?

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