SEX .

ORGASM

http:// www.el ephantj ournal .com/2014/ 03/orgasm-i s-great -can-we-
move-on-now-f reya-wat son/


The f i rst ti me I had absol utel y bl i ssf ul , ego-di ssol vi ng sex wi th a
l over, I di dn t come.
Oh my god, di d I j ust say that?
Not onl y di d I not come then, but I don t al ways. By choi ce, I shoul d
hasten to add.
The sex i s i ncredi bl e and, somehow, orgasm i sn t al ways that
i mportant a part of i t. In f act, not havi ng an orgasm i s of ten more
i mportant so that we can spend as l ong as possi bl e i n that shared
bl i ss rather than have i t end. I s that somethi ng we re ready to hear
and di scuss yet that orgasm shoul d be f ar f rom bei ng the most
i mportant component i n sex f or ei ther men or women?
Seri ousl y, though, i s noone el se gett i ng sl i ghtl y f rustrated wi th our
recent col l ecti ve f asci nat i on wi th orgasm? It s gett i ng to t he poi nt
that i f we were to t ake i t at f ace val ue, i t woul d seem that you re
not a real woman i f you re not have mul ti pl e ej acul atory orgasms
several t i mes a week and not a real man i f you re not hel pi ng to
make i t happen.
Yes, orgasmi c energy i s amazi ng and does wonders f or your
heal th. And yes, f or a l ong t i me women wereand many sti l l are
f i ndi ng i t di f f i cul t to orgasm or to tal k t o thei r partners about what
they want and need i n order to reach t hat hi gh poi nt. There i s no
doubt that many good peopl e are doi ng great work i n supporti ng
men and women i n thei r sexual devel opment and maturi ng
processes.
What about the other aspect s of sex, t hough? I can have a prett y
good orgasm on my own, thank you, but what about the connecti on,
the shari ng, the mutual pl easure, the di scovery and the wi de
vari et y of other reasons we want to have sex? Wi th mass medi a
hoppi ng on the orgasm bandwagon, i t s hard to hear other, qui eter
di al ogues around sexual i t y that are more i mportant but don t make
such good crowd-pul l ers.
What concerns me i s that a f ocus on orgasm can take away f rom
some of the deeper aspects of sex.
It can al so exacerbate the exi sti ng tendency to approach sex as a
perf ormance and a goal -ori ented pract i ce, the end resul t of whi ch
i s supposed to be a mi nd-bl owi ng orgasm. Thi s not onl y takes both
partners out of the moment they re supposed to be enj oyi ng, i t can
al so l ead to a sense of i nadequacy i f the goal i sn t reached.
Orgasm doesn t set women (or men) f ree and i t doesn t necessari l y
l ead to great sex, ei ther.
So, what i f we drop orgasm f rom the radar f or a whi l e and j ust
enj oy the j ourney, how mi ght that f eel ? Isn t that the gi f t of the
f emi ni ne anyway, t o expand and f l ow rather than the mascul i ne gi f t
of f ocus?
Great sex remi nds me of great art: a mi xture of ski l l and
experi ence coupl ed wi th a huge dol l op of i ntui ti on and an abi l i t y to
get the ego out of t he way. And, of course, that el usi ve el ement,
energeti c compati bi l i t y (or chemi st ry). What l i f ts average, everyday
sex i nto a connect i on that can be deepl y f ul f i l l i ng, and even
transf ormi ng, i s not a better orgasm but a wi l l i ngness to expand
our hori zons beyond the physi cal .
It sounds al most counter -i ntui ti ve to suggest that a physi cal
experi ence can be enhanced by expandi ng our f ocus on t he non-
physi cal , but that s somethi ng regul ar yogi s, medi tators and
consci ousl y spi ri tual f ol k woul d understand. Techni ques and
pract i ce can take us some of the way, but there s more to i t than
that.
When we expand our perspect i ve, reconnect wi th a deeper part of
oursel ves and practi ce bei ng total l y present, our experi ence of l i f e
becomes ri cher and the gui dance we need comes natural l y. The
same goes f or sex, too.
Great sex i s an art rather than a sci ence. It s a personal , i ntui t i ve,
i n-the-moment creati on that i s i nspi red by somethi ng more than j ust
the mi nd and body.
And i t requi res some very non-sexual ski l l s that few outsi de of
spi ri tual ci rcl es are wi l l i ng to tal k about, thi ngs l i ke:
Surrenderi ng to the moment .
It s one thi ng bei ng total l y present when si tt i ng cross-l egged i n
medi tati on or f ocused on a yoga asana. But tryi ng to remai n i n the
moment when f aced wi th an emot i onal l y or sexual l y charged
experi ence i s a compl etel y di f f erent chal l enge.
When we can stay f ul l y present wi th a l over, not onl y do we
engender a greater sense of trust, we re al so more abl e t o
surrender to the f l ow of energy whi ch we re shari ng wi th our
partner and more abl e to i ntui t i vel y understand them. Mai ntai ni ng
eye contact, f ocusi ng on the br eath or on the ski n-to-ski n contact
are some of the best ways of anchori ng oursel ves to the moment
wi th a sexual partner, as i s bri ngi ng oursel ves constantl y back i nto
the body and out of the mi nd.
Connecti ng the mi nd, heart and geni tal s.
In some ways thi s i s an expansi on of the l ast poi nt. When we re
total l y present, we are present i n body, mi nd and soul . But modern
soci et y encourages a compartmental i zati on whi ch resul ts i n the
separati on of body, mi nd and emoti ons. Few of us are f ortunate
enough to get f rom chi l dhood to adul t hood wi thout havi ng bui l t
wal l s bet ween these parts of oursel ves and perhaps i ts no surpri se
then that we f i nd women tradi ng sex f or l ove and men doi ng the
reverse as an unconsci ous way of f i l l i ng the gaps. But f or the
f ul l est sexual experi ence possi bl e, we need to bri ng al l of these
together i nto uni on i nto a yoga.
Our mi nds need to be i n harmony wi th our heart s and bot h of these
comf ortabl e wi th the physi cal i t y of sex. There s no qui ck and easy
way to do thi s, though. It s more a gradual process of addressi ng
ol d bel i ef patterns, of practi ci ng openi ng the heart and of al l owi ng
our sexual i t y to become a f ul l er expressi on of who we are rather
than somethi ng whi ch happens i n a separate compartment.
Bri ngi ng l ove i nto i t .
Agai n, thi s ti es i nto the previ ous poi nt and I can t resi st quoti ng the
ol d song l yri c .. l ove the one you re wi th . And that real l y sums i t
up. Unf ortunatel y, we have a f ear (usual l y based on past
experi ence) of openi ng our heartsof bei ng taken f or f ool s or hurt .
And thi s i s parti cul arl y true of new or bri ef sexual encounters, when
we al most del i berat el y shut l ove out unti l we re sure where i t mi ght
l ead. We guard our hearts.
But when we cl ose our heart s of f , we al so cl ose down the f l ow of
energy wi thi n oursel ves as wel l as bet ween oursel ves and others.
And no amount of geni tal l y-f ocused sex can break down t hat
barri er i f we re det ermi ned to keep l ove out of i t. Wi thout l ove, our
sexual experi ences wi l l never be as f ul f i l l i ng as they can be. Wi th a
del i berate deci si on to open our hearts to our sexual partners,
though (yes, even casual ones), we make our sel ves f ul l y avai l abl e
to the best the experi ence may have t o off er.
Taki ng a soul perspecti ve.
Yes, sex i s very def i ni tel y a body-based experi ence. One of
the pri vi l eges of havi ng a physi cal body i s that we have the
opportuni t y to enj oy al l of the pl easur es of the senses. Smel l ,
touch, taste, si ght, soundthey are al l the resul t of havi ng a
physi cal body and t hey can al l come together beauti f ul l y i n sex.
But when we remember there i s more to us than our physi cal
expressi on, when we take a spi ri tual perspect i ve on l i f e, i nstead of
i t taki ng away f rom our sexual i t y, i t can enhance i t by remi ndi ng us
how temporary and f l eeti ng, and theref ore preci ous, our t i me i s
here. There s somethi ng ref reshi ngl y i nnocent about havi ng sex
wi th a partner whose vi ew i s si mi l ar. I t can bri ng a l i ghtness and
si mpl i ci t y to sexual shari ng when l overs see themsel ves as t wo
soul s connecti ng through bodi es whi ch they know won t be around
f orever, i t seems l ess seri ous somehow. On the other hand, i t can
al so bri ng a depth of connecti on whi ch no amount of l earned
expert i se i n l ove-maki ng coul d ever produce on i ts own.
When our sexual connecti on wi th anot her i s broad enough to
i ncl ude these el ements, there i s l ess need to l earn techni ques,
pract i ce speci f i c di sci pl i nes or to be anxi ous about perf ormance.
The experi ence of the moment and our l over become the onl y
gui des that we need.
Our act i ons ari se spontaneousl y f rom our i mmersi on i n the
experi ence and whether orgasm i s part of that or not i s di ctated by
each uni que exchange. Someti mes orgasm i s part of i t. Other t i mes
the energy bui l ds i nto a crescendo whi ch i s re-ci rcul ated and re-
absorbed i nsi de the body. And then t here are t i mes when i t f eel s
ri ght to j ust l et i t si mpl y di e down agai n wi thout any cl i max at al l .
Somehow, when our experi ences of sex are deepl y ful fi l l i ng,
orgasm becomes l ess rel evant i n i tsel f .