Aspergers Syndrome:

Do I have it? And how do I live with it?

By Susan J. Golubo! and "ara J. #arshall
#embers o$ the %hoeni& Adult Aspergers Support Group
I suspet I may have' or have been diagnosed with' Aspergers Syndrome'
but Im not really sure what it is:
* Please note that Aspergers Syndrome (sometimes called Aspergers Disorder) is a neurobiological collection of behavioral
differences (thus the word syndrome). t is classified in the !D"#$ and the DS%"& as a Pervasive Developmental Disorder'
alongside Autistic Disorder. (his is why some consider Asperger)s Syndrome as part of an Autistic Spectrum Disorder. (here is no
*nown cause' although both genetic and environmental factors are suspected to be involved. t is a condition that continues throughout
the lifespan. t is not a mental illness.
Diagnostic criteria for Aspergers Disorder from DS%"& (#++,)
A. -ualitative impairment in social interaction' as manifested by at least two of the following.
(#) mar*ed impairment in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye"to"eye ga/e' facial e0pression' body postures'
and gestures to regulate social interaction
(1) failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level
(2) a lac* of spontaneous see*ing to share en3oyment' interests or achievements with other people (e.g. by a lac* of showing'
bringing' or pointing out ob3ects of interest to other people)
(,) lac* of social or emotional reciprocity
4. 5estricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behaviour' interests and activities'
as manifested by at least one of the following.
(#) encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in
intensity or focus
(1) apparently infle0ible adherence to specific' nonfunctional routines or rituals
(2) stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g. hand or finger flapping or twisting' or comple0 whole"body
movements)
(,) persistent preoccupation with parts or ob3ects
!. (he disturbance causes clinically significant impairment in social' occupation' or other important areas of functioning
D. (here is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g. single words used by age 1 years' communicative phrases used
by age 1 years)
6. (here is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age"appropriate self"help s*ills'
adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction)' and curiosity about the environment in childhood
7. !riteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schi/ophrenia
(hese clinical definitions were developed for the purpose of determining the degree to which a child is 8disabled9 and therefore
eligible to receive services. (hey may not mean much or be of much help to adults who suspect that they have aspergers syndrome.
(he important thing to understand is that aspergers syndrome represents a mild to significant difference in how we process sensory
input' communicate' and generally perceive social e0periences from those with neurologically typical nervous systems. :i*e
8neurotypicals'9 we have our own strengths and limitations. ;nfortunately' our 8different"ness9 often ma*es us appear more limited
and our strengths harder to perceive.
:earning Style differences. %ost of us have one very strong learning style' and may pic* up very little information from other senses
or teaching styles. <e may be very strong visual thin*ers' very strong auditory thin*ers' very strong mathematical thin*ers' or very
strong in our language s*ills. =ne recent study found that some >$? of people diagnosed with aspergers syndrome also met the
criteria for nonverbal learning disorder. (he vast ma3ority of us have what neurotypicals consider wea* social s*ills' primarily because
we dont pic* up the unspo*en social cues the way that neurotypicals do. (his difference can contribute to failures in relationships and
employment' and may also lead to a high co"morbidity of depressive disorder. %ost people with aspergers syndrome (collo@uially
*nown as 8aspies9) have some degree of sensory processing dysfunction' meaning that various of the senses (sight' hearing' smell'
touch' taste' proprioception' and vestibular) may be over"or"under sensitive to stimuli in comparison to those of neurotypicals (people
not on the autistic spectrum). Synaesthesia (mi0ing of sensory information' such as smelling sounds) may also be present.
(ony Attwood' a clinical psychologist' and !arol Aray' an educator' both of whom wor* e0tensively with individuals on the autism
spectrum' too* a reverse loo* at the DS%"& criteria for receiving a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome and pointed out how what
others view as 8limitations9 could also be viewed as strengths.
7rom. Discovery of 8Aspie9 !riteria
!arol Aray and (ony Attwood' #+++
As found at http.BBwww.tonyattwood.com.auBinde0.htm'
8(onys Publications9
A. A (ualitative advantage in soial interation' as mani$ested by a ma)ority o$ the $ollowing:
(#) peer relationships characteri/ed by absolute loyalty and impeccable dependability
(1) free of se0ist' 8age"ist9' or culturalist biases' ability to regard others at 8face value9
(2) spea*ing ones mind irrespective of social conte0t or adherence to personal beliefs
(,) ability to pursue personal theory or perspective despite conflicting evidence
(C) see*ing an audience or friends capable of enthusiasm for uni@ue interests and
topics' consideration of details' spending time discussing a topic that may not be of primary interest
(D) listening without continual 3udgement or assumption
(>) interested primarily in significant contributions to conversation' preferring to avoid 8ritualistic small tal*9 or socially
trivial statements and superficial conversation
(E) see*ing sincere' positive' genuine friends with an unassuming sense of humour
B. *luent in +Aspergese,' a soial language harateri-ed by at least three o$ the $ollowing:
(#) a determination to see* the truth
(1) conversation free of hidden meaning or agenda
(2) advanced vocabulary and interest in words
(,) fascination with word"based humour' such as puns
(C) advanced use of pictorial metaphor
.. .ognitive s!ills harateri-ed by at least $our o$ the $ollowing:
(#) strong preference for detail over gestalt
(1) original' often uni@ue perspective in problem solving
(2) e0ceptional memory andBor recall of details often forgotten or disregarded by others' for e0ample. names' dates schedules'
routines
(,) avid perseverance in gathering and cataloging information on a topic of interest
(C) persistence of thought
(D) encyclopaedic or 8!D"5=%9 *nowledge of one or more topics
(>) *nowledge of routines and a focused desire to maintain order and accuracy
(E) clarity of valuesBdecision ma*ing unaltered by political or financial factors
D. Additional possible $eatures:
(#) acute sensitivity to specific sensory e0periences and stimuli' for e0ample' hearing touch' vision andBor smell
(1) strength in individual sports or games' particularly those involving endurance or visual accuracy' including rowing'
swimming' bowling' chess
(2) 8social unsung hero9 with trusting optimism. fre@uent victim of social wea*nesses of others' while steadfast in the belief
of the possibility of genuine friendship
(,) increased probability over general population of attending university after high school
(C) often ta*e care of others outside the range of typical development
/ote: #any *amous %eople Are Suspeted "o 0ave .harateristis o$ Aspergers Syndrome:
(emple Arandin' ;rsula :eAuin' Albert 6instein' Aene 5oddenberry' !harles Darwin' (homas 6dison' %ar* (wain' %.!. 6scher'
Fohann S. 4ach' %a0 Planc*' Gelen Heller' F.5.5. (ol*ien' Fean Ayres' Dylan (homas' Pablo Picasso' :inus (orvald' Aalileo' Arthur
!. !lar*e' 7ran/ Haf*a' Alenn Aould' 4en3amin 7ran*lin' %argaret %ead' Aristotle
7rom 8Spar*s of Aenius9 " (he #2 (hin*ing (ools of the <orlds %ost !reative People
5obert and %ichele 5oot"4ernstein' (1$$#) %arriner 4oo*s
I7or clarification. (emple Arandin has been diagnosed as autistic since she was a child. She has on many occasions stated that if she
were to be diagnosed today' as an adult' she believes that she would fit the criteria for Aspergers Syndrome. (he others on this list
have not been diagnosed as having Aspergers Syndrome' but many suspect that' based on observation of their social and learning
characteristics' they fit the diagnostic definition of someone with Aspergers Syndrome. J
1hy have I reeived diagnoses $rom dotors that suggest that I have something other than or more than
Aspergers Syndrome? Aspergers Syndrome is often diagnosed when all other disorders can be ruled out. People who
have' or suspect they have' Aspergers Syndrome may have been previously diagnosed with.
Autistic Disorder' Gigh 7unctioning (G7A)
Pervasive Developmental Disorder' Kot =therwise Specified (PDD"K=S)
Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
Schi/oid Personality Disorder
Konverbal :earning Disorder
5ight Gemisphere :earning Disorder
Semantic Pragmatic :anguage Disorder
!lumsy !hild Disorder
Additionally' if you have a medical history which includes a past head in3ury' you may be diagnosed with (raumatic 4rain n3ury
((4). A warning for those previously diagnosed with Autistic Disorder or PDD"K=S. being re"diagnosed as having Aspergers
Syndrome can lead to being considered ineligible for various benefits (such as supported employment) that you may have previously
benefited from.
(here are several disorders that are fre@uently co"morbid with Aspergers Syndrome. (hese include.
Attention Deficit (Gyperactive) Disorder (ADGD or ADD)
(ourettes Syndrome
=bsessive !ompulsive Disorder (=!D)
Depressive Disorder
Dysthymia Disorder (minor depressive disorder)
Sensory ntegration Dysfunction
Sei/ure DisorderB6pilepsy
Several of us have also been considered to have 8autistic characteristics9 as children' but may never have received any special
education or other services. n addition' some people may have asperger tendencies' but not have aspergers syndrome. 6ngineers and
computer programmers are often thought to e0hibit asperger"li*e characteristics. A diagnosis of aspergers syndrome simply reflects
the severity of the differences between those with the diagnosis and those without. !urrent research suggests that there are #$"#C
genes related to autism. (he severity of your differences may relate to how many genes are affected andBor your other inherited traits'
environmental e0posures' and life e0periences.
(he inability to clearly define the difference between autism and aspergers syndrome is why many consider both to be part of an
autism spectrum' with aspergers syndrome representing the high end of the spectrum. 4ased on DS%"& criteria used to ma*e a
diagnosis' those with aspergers syndrome have normal to above normal intelligence and fewer limitations in their use of speech and
ability to communicate than those diagnosed with autism. Significant delays in the development of speech and communication'
beyond the age of 1 years' are considered characteristic of autism. Some people on the autism spectrum display a splinter s*ill (also
*nown as a savant s*ill) related to mathematics' calendars' or music' although this is not necessary for a diagnosis of autism.
(hose who do develop speech but continue to have difficulties in communication andBor performing daily living activities are often
classified as having 8high functioning9 autism. (his is a delineation that many adults on the spectrum are not comfortable with as it
implies that those with more severe difficulties in communicating and performing daily living activities are 8low functioning.9 (he
assumption is' and they are often treated as though' they are mentally retarded' and thus not given the mental and academic stimulation
they deserve and need to achieve their true potential. Let many 8low functioning9 individuals with autism have been discovered to be
@uite intelligent once the environmental or biochemical stresses interfering with their ability to communicate or perform daily living
activities are lessened. <ith aspergers syndrome' because of our high verbal s*ills' the e0pectations are often 3ust the opposite. (he
assumption is that we are intelligent enough to do more than we demonstrate and are 3ust not trying hard enough' when the truth is that
we are 8passing9 for close to normal only because we are trying so hard and' in most cases' cant do more than we are doing. 7or this
reason' learning self"advocacy s*ills to clearly communicate to others 3ust what you can and can not do is very important.
1hy would I want an o$$iial diagnosis o$ Aspergers Syndrome?: f you are currently not e0periencing any
ma3or problems in your relationships or employment' you may not want to get diagnosed as having aspergers syndrome. Gowever'
getting an official diagnosis from a psychiatric or medical professional will be necessary if you are considering applying for social
benefits' such as Social Security Disability or &ocational 5ehabilitation. Please note that the diagnosis of aspergers syndrome alone
will not @ualify you for any form of services. t is generally some co"morbid (accompanying) symptom (as mentioned above) that
affects your ability to function in your wor* or home environment that is considered disabling. Despite the fact that functioning in a
neurotypical world can be very difficult' a diagnosis of aspergers syndrome does not mean a person is unable to learn to function'
especially if they are fortunate enough to have people in their lives that provide the support they need.
Aetting a diagnosis can be useful if you need accommodations in order to perform the tas*s or deal with the environment in an
employment situation. Such accommodations may include alternative ways of communicating' a more isolated space' brea*s' etc.
f you are having considerable difficulty with relationships' especially with regards to understanding the other persons perspective'
then perhaps it is worthwhile investigating whether you have aspergers syndrome andBor how it might be affecting communication
between you and the person with whom you are trying to relate. Lou may also need to e0plore what it is you e0pect and need from a
relationship and learn how to advocate for what you want in a non"demanding manner. =f e@ual importance is learning how to give
what the other person wants in order to get what you want. f you decide to see* help in this regard' be sure that the psychiatrist'
psychologist or counselor has e0perience with and is accepting of aspergers syndrome differences.
<ho you contact for a diagnosis will depend on what you are see*ing from this person. Psychologists or neuropsychologists will
arrive at a diagnosis through testing. (his can be helpful if you are loo*ing for more information on your areas of learning strength and
differences. A neuropsychologist loo*s at the neurological as well as psychological issues. (his type of testing can give you helpful
information about yourself' but only 7 the psychologist or neuropsychologist is familiar with neurological differences associated with
aspergers syndrome. =therwise' their report is not li*ely to give you an accurate picture of yourself that you can relate to and use. A
psychiatrist will often diagnose you after getting a history and tal*ing with you' or others who *now you. A psychiatrist is a medical
doctor who can prescribe medication that may be helpful to you in calming your an0ieties or bringing you out of depression (or
treating co"morbid disorders).
(he choice should always be left up to you as to whether you want to try medication. %edication can have side effects you need to be
aware of and long"term use can sometimes result in a form of tics. Psychotropic medications (the ones that influence your brain
chemistry) must never be stopped suddenly as your brain adapts to them and must be very slowly decreased to avoid withdrawal
symptoms. Lou always have the choice of trying natural supplements that have a similar influence on your brain chemistry (chec* out
http.BBwww.ph0autism.orgBvitaminBframe.htm for more information on this). ;nfortunately the manufacturers of supplements are
unregulated so your doctor is unable to support their use and your insurance is not going to cover their cost.
1here an I go to get a diagnosis?: f you are considering getting an official diagnosis' you should bring the
following items with you. medical historyBrecords and parents or teachers notes on your childhood behavior (including any *ind of
8baby development log9 your parents may have *ept' noting important milestones such as crawling' wal*ing' first words' etc.). School
records from Hindergarten through Gigh School that show your abilities' both wea* and strong' can be helpful. f you *eep a diary' or
have written personal essays on your e0periences in dealing with other people' these may also be useful. (here may be others who
wor* with adults with aspergers syndrome' but the following references are the ones we are aware of at this time (this does not
constitute an endorsement of these doctors' only an awareness that they are said to wor* with adults with aspergers syndrome).
#ar! 1elle!' #.D.' psychiatrist' ,1$1 K. 21 St.' Phoeni0' AM EC$#E' Phone. D$1"+CC"#$>$' 7a0. D$1"+C>"+D#,. Ge accepts =ut"of"
Plan 5eferrals but payment is re@uired at the time of services.
Brue 2igler 0ol-man' #.D.' C1C K. #E
th
Street' Suite 2$2' Phoeni0' AM EC$$D"2>2,
Phone. D$1"1C,"++ED' 7a0. D$1"1C,",,2+. Ge is a provider in PP=' G%= or Ketwor* Plans and Accepts =ut"of"Plan 5eferrals
Dr. 2obert Shulte' #$1#$ K. +1
nd
St.' Suite 2$2' Scottsdale' AM ,E$",C#"2,C,. Provides evaluation' diagnosis' guidance and
medication regimens.
Do K=( feel obliged to continue to see any professional that ma*es you feel uncomfortable or who pushes on you their agenda for
what they thin* is best for you. Lou have both control over and responsibility for how you chose to live your life. !ontinue to see*
what you find helpful' and loo* elsewhere when it is not or stops being helpful.
Should I tell people that I have Aspergers Syndrome?: (his is a sensitive sub3ect. n regards to employment' you
do not need to disclose your diagnosis until after you have actually been hired. f you *now that you will re@uire certain
accommodations in order to do your best at wor* (e.g.' incandescent' rather than fluorescent' lighting' a flat"screen computer' etc.). f
you need to disclose your diagnosis in order to re@uest accommodations' the best person to start with may be your immediate
supervisor. Sometimes simply stating that you 8do best9 when Ia particular accommodation is providedJ is enough. Some businesses
re@uire you to disclose your disability to personnel in order to receive accommodations that are not typically made for others. 4e
aware that some aspies have found that disclosing their diagnosis with the e0pectation that others will better understand and provide
for their needs was not helpful' and often bac*fired. t is always best if L=; decide what you need and politely' with reasonable
e0planations that do not need to include your diagnosis' as* for it'. Dont e0pect them to *now what you need' based on a diagnosis
that they may not understand. Lou are the only one that can *now your needs.
n relationships' disclosure of a diagnosis Aspergers Syndrome has been *nown to save relationships that are in trouble' but it has
also been *nown to lead to a faster brea*"up or divorce if the non"aspergers syndrome partner is unwilling to deal with the changes or
issues inherent with this new *nowledge about you. 60periences have been mi0ed.
A boo* on this issue that you might want to chec* out is. Ask and Tell: Self-Advocacy and Disclosure for People on the Autism
Spectrum' Stephen %. Shore' editor' by Autism Asperger Publishing !ompany (www.asperger.net).
1here an I meet others who have Aspergers Syndrome?
Aspergers Syndrome30*A3%DD Support Groups:
n %hoeni&' contact. (rish Aelvin' D$1",1#"11#C' trish4rew5yahoo.om
n "uson' contact. Ferry Kewport' C1$">+C"$2+D' wholphin675hotmail.om
Internet Sites:
PattyNs Gome Page' adult autism issues' advocacy for adult autistics' autism information' http:33www.autistis.3
7ran* Hleins Autistic Advocacy' http:33home.att.net38asaris93
Autism Ketwor* nternational' http:33www.ani.a
%. Fane %eyerdings Gome Page' http:33sta$$.washington.edu3m)ane3
Dave Spicer " autistic writer and spea*er " http:33bellsouthpwp.net3d3s3dspier3
(he %AM6 " =oops... <rong PlanetO Syndrome %aster :in* Page' http:33www.isn.net38)ypsy3autilin!.htm
autistics.org :in*s AutisticP!ulture"People' http:33www.autistis.org3lin!s:3Autisti4.ulture3%eople3
I want $riends but ma!ing $riends seems hard. 1hy?: Personal friendships are generally built on one or more things
of shared interest between two people. Personal friends share their thoughts and feelings as well as e0periences. Kot everyone who
calls themselves friends are personal friends. Aspies tend to be very open and honest and willing to share themselves with others'
which are traits that close personal friends will value. Social and wor* friends' however' may not value this trait. (hey may not be
ready to be open and honest and share personal information about themselves with you' so it ma*es them feel uncomfortable when
you offer these things to them. Some Keurotypicals li*e to ta*e the development of friendships slowly (see the stages of relationships
below). <hen someone as*s you @uestions about yourself' li*e where you were born or went to school or what things you li*e' they
are indicating that they have a possible interest in becoming your friend. (hat doesnt mean they will become your friend' only that
they are interested in finding out if you both share enough interests to possibly become friends.
Some Keurotypicals' on the other hand' can be very open to ma*ing friends @uic*ly. f someone wants to be your friend @uic*ly' and
then as*s you to do something for them' li*e give them money or do something cra/y or hurt someone' be aware that true friends dont
do thatO (rue friends help you to feel good about yourself and protect you from doing things that are not in your best interest' or in the
best interest of others. As mentioned in 8Aspie Strengths9' we tend to be very loyal to our friends. Gowever' our loyalty can (and has)
been abused by those with various social wea*nesses' such as greed or 3ealousy or low self"esteem. t is always a good idea to pay
attention to your instincts. f you feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable about something' even if you cant identify what it is' it is
best to see* advice from someone you do trust who understands how some people can ta*e advantage of others.
%any aspies have particularly strong interests in certain areas. ;nfortunately very few people around them may share that interest.
(his ma*es it harder for aspies to find friends. An e0cellent place to loo* for friends are clubs where people with your special interest
are li*ely to gather. Some aspies recogni/e that having a lot of friends is not that important to them. =ther aspies blame themselves or
thin* badly about themselves if they dont have friends or ma*e friends easily. %a*ing friends has less to do with whether people li*e
you than it does with whether you have interests or e0periences that are similar to theirs AKD whether you are also willing to share in
the interests they have that are different from your own. t is easy to lose potential friends if you share more than what the other person
wants to receive' or dont give the other person e@ual time to share their interests with you. 7riends who are close personal friends will
stic* up for each other in front of others' answer @uestions honestly (in a *ind way)' help each other when there is a need' and will
en3oy 3ust spending time together. %ost people' neurotypical or aspie' only have a few friends that meet this definition of a close
personal friend. (hese are the best friends to have and to see*.
Another reason that aspies may have a more difficult time ma*ing friends is because our sensory processing and body movements are
different from neurotypicals. 7riendly pats on the bac* and reaching out to touch your arm are common ways for neurotypicals to
8connect9 with each other through the sense of touch. f touch is perceived as uncomfortable' or even threatening' your reaction to
their well"intentioned effort to relate to you is not going to be easily understood. (his is where aspies need to self"advocate' to let
others *now what ma*es us uncomfortable. %ost neurotypicals A56 willing to respect these differences' 7 they *now about them.
7or those who struggle with verbal communication' a card that e0plains what you need can be carried in your wallet or purse and
shared with others as you choose. (he 8down side9 is' because it is hard for neurotypicals to relate to these differences in perception' it
may limit how many potential friends will be willing to wor* that hard to become a close personal friend. Aspies often find it easier to
sociali/e and become friends with other aspies' simply because we understand each others way of thin*ing and perceiving.
8%issed9 communication can also ma*e it harder for aspies to ma*e and *eep friends. =ur more limited body movements can be
misread by neurotypicals who loo* for 8body language9 cues when communicating with others. Aspies also tend to find it difficult to
attend to all the body language cues neurotypicals give. (hus' we may misread their 8intended9 messages to us if all we are paying
attention to are the words they use. A good source for learning about body language is Teaching Your Child the Language of Social
Success by %. P. Du*e' S. Kowic*i' Fr.' and 6. A. %artin (#++D) Peachtree Publishers' Atlanta' Aeorgia.
;nderstanding the social rules that neurotypicals follow can also help in ma*ing and *eeping friends (as well as wor*ing with others
on the 3ob). A good source for this is 8(he 5ules of the (Social) 5oad9 (!hapter +) in Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence by (eresa
4olic*' (1$$#) 7air <inds Press' Aloucester' %A. Some typical social rules that aspies can brea* that neurotypicals find 8off"putting9
(but wont tell you about to avoid hurting your feelings) are. #) poor grooming habits' including not brushing teeth' not bathing or
washing ones hair' not wearing clean clothes' and not wearing deodorantQ 1) telling people things about yourself that are considered
8private9' such as that you do not have friends' have never had se0ual intercourse' or use self"gratification to meet your needsQ 2)
appearing desperate or too eager to establish a close relationship with someone you dont *now really well (which may be a dangerous
thing for you as this is the type of behavior that people who will abuse you loo* for)Q ,) as*ing others about their current relationships
(unless they bring it up first)Q and C) dressing too fancy or too casually for the situation' such as wearing too much ma*e"up or
seductive clothes to wor* or a picnic' or wearing 3eans to a 3ob interview.
6ven though your sensory processing differences may be the reason for your grooming habits or clothes choices' unless you ta*e the
time to e0plain these differences to others (and even then they may not understand or accept what you say)' people will 3udge you
based on your appearance. (hat doesnt mean you cant find ways to compromise' such as adding a 3ac*et to dress up blue 3eans.
!lothes that are clean and unwrin*led (which can be accomplished by hanging clothes on a hanger while they are still warm and wet
after #$ minutes in the dryer) are more important than being 8in fashion.9 Lou can accomplish the 8snug"fit9 your body seems to
prefer by wearing bi*ing shorts or a wet suit under your clothes rather than overly tight fitting clothes that might be viewed as
8suggestive.9
t might also be helpful to note that to0in build"up due to gut digestion difficulties may contribute to a 8body odor9 problem even
when you are careful about your grooming. f this is the case' consider reading Children !ith Starving "rains by Fac@uelyn
%c!andless' %.D.' for more information on the medical conditions that can affect the functioning of individuals on the autism
spectrum. Lou may also want to chec* out the boo* "iological "asis of Autism by <illiam Shaw' Ph.D.' available from Areat Plains
:aboratory (+#2) 2,#"E+,+' www.greatplainslaboratory.com' for more information on yeastBbacterial infections and diets.
Im interested in dating and an eventual ommitment to another person. 1ill Aspergers Syndrome
ma!e that more di$$iult $or me?: %any aspies' both male and female' are married or in long"term relationships. %any
are not. =ften it is only when aspies have children that they recogni/e their own aspie traits and are themselves diagnosed. t is also
worth noting that aspies have a tendency to belong to 8other minority groups9' and may be homose0ual or have alternative lifestyles'
in statistically greater numbers than the general population. Some aspies do not feel particularly attached to their se0uality. (hey do
not identify with a particular se0 or see* relationships with a particular se0. =ther aspies simply choose to not pursue relationships
other than friendships. (emple Arandin has spo*en often of her own preference to not see* a se0ual relationship. Lou should not feel
pressured to act outside of what you are comfortable with when it comes to developing relationships with other people.
<hatever your relationship preferences are' relationship difficulties are not something uni@ue to those on the autism spectrum.
Keurotypicals have their own share of relationship difficulties. t is important to remember that all relationships have stages. t can be
confusing to you if you are not sure which stage in a relationship you are with someone. t can be confusing and even overwhelming
to others if you appear to be in a more advanced stage in the relationship than they are ready for. According to the boo*' Speaking
Skills for Prospective Teachers
#
the stages in a relationship are. #) coming together' 1) staying together' and 2) moving apart. !oming
together is a C"step process. #) initiating contactQ 1) discovery of common interestsQ 2) intensifying our interest and involvementQ ,)
integrating this person into our lifes activitiesQ C) bonding or committing to the relationship (usually leading to marriage if the interest
in the relationship is se0ual). Staying together is described as a long"term situation that re@uires effort from both partners to *eep the
relationship going. (here are nine characteristics that long"term relationships often have' none of which are always present to the same
degree. #) amusement (ma*ing the relationship fun and en3oyable)Q 1) affection (pleasure in being together)Q 2) commitment e@uity
(e@ual dedication to the relationship)Q ,) fidelity e@uity (faithfulness to each other)Q C) contracting (fulfilling any agreements made to
each other)Q D) twosome (relying on each other as partners)Q >) recognition (publicly ma*ing others aware of your commitment to each
other)Q E) fran*ness (revealing your inner self to each other)Q and +) averaging (good and bad times should average out). t is possible
for a relationship to come apart at almost any stage. ;nder normal conditions' relationships come apart in five steps. #) differentiating
(disagreements and differences become the focus of attention)Q 1) circumscribing (tal* diminishes' with less revealing of self and
#
by D.<. Hlopf and 5.6. !ambra' (#++#) %orton Publishing !o.' 6nglewood' !olorado
fewer commitments to each other)Q 2) stagnation (relationship loses its life and partners move apart physically)Q ,) avoiding (partners
stop seeing each other)Q and C) termination (the relationship is over).
!ommunication is always thought of as a *ey to successful relationships. So is attitude' according to this same boo*. (his is where the
differences in how asperger people and neurotypical people perceive similar e0periences can cause problems in relationships.
Keurotypicals value the following attitudes in a relationship. being genuine (being honest and open about ones feelings)Q being
committed (having a desire for the relationship to continue and to share the responsibilities and ma*e compromises when problems
occur)Q tal*ing together (to achieve understanding and appreciation of each other and discuss conflicts' e0pectations' and an0ieties that
bother each other)Q and ,) being empathic (seeing the world through the other persons perspective' listening non"3udgmentally and
trying to understand the other person in the way they perceive themselves). t is a common' but very false perception' on the part of
many neurotypicals that people with aspergers syndrome lac* these abilitiesO t is e0tremely difficult for AKL=K6 to understand and
perceive what one has never e0perienced. 4ecause of differences in the way that our brains process and respond to e0periences'
neurotypicals have 3ust as much difficulty understanding and appreciating the asperger persons perspective as the asperger person has
understanding and appreciating the neurotypicals perspective.
(hat doesnt mean that both sides cant learn to respect those differences and even understand them somewhat on an intellectual level.
!ommunication becomes the most important factor in helping each other to understand and appreciate these differences. Again' this is
a ma3or contributor to relationship difficulties between asperger people and neurotypical people. Keurotypical people learn about and
e0perience social interactions on a non"thin*ing level. (o articulate how and what they *now or feel on a thin*ing level is not
something they often need to' or *now how to' do with other neurotypicals. (hey simply 8understand9 because they tend to perceive
these e0periences in a similar fashion. Aspies tend to process a lot of input on an intellectual level because it is harder for them to pic*
up multiple information and process it @uic*ly on a non"thin*ing level as neurotypicals do. ronically' even though the mental effort of
verbal communication can be very fatiguing for aspies' they are the ones who are e0pected to 8e0plain9 their differences to
neurotypicals since neurotypicals see themselves as 8normal9 and therefore consider themselves easy to understand. ;nfortunately'
neither party has strengths in the areas that the other person needs for effective communication to ta*e place.
Keurotypical and aspergers syndrome people can develop meaningful and fulfilling relationships. t re@uires that both parties have to
have a strong desire to ma*e the relationship wor* and to wor* hard at communicating their different perspectives. Attitudes are not
where the problems lie' even though they may often be e0pressed differently. ts both parties willingness to communicate' in a non"
3udgmental way' that is essential to the understanding of' and increased appreciation for' the differences that will e0ist in neurotypical"
asperger relationships. f you are interested' the movie The $irror %as T!o &aces may be worth watching as an e0ample of an aspie
and a neurotypical in a relationship' even though the main character is not identified as having aspergers syndrome (but the
characteristics are there). :iane Golliday <illey' in Pretending to 'e (ormal was already a wife and mother when she discovered'
along with her daughter' that she had Aspegers Syndrome) Ferry and %ary Kewport' in Autism-Asperger*s + Se,uality have shown
that two people with aspergers syndrome can fall in love and have a meaningful committed relationship. All relationships' to be
successful in the long"term' re@uire a commitment to compromise and sharing' but having Aspergers Syndrome does not lessen your
chances of having such a relationship if this is truly what you want. t is important to recogni/e whether a relationship is what L=;
want and are willing to wor* toward and not what you thin* society e0pects of you. t is e@ually important that you *now your own
limitations to *now 3ust how much you have and are willing to give to a relationship. 5elationships' even in the neurotypical world'
that are built on unrealistic e0pectations and only getting' not giving' rarely wor*.
1hat about having hildren? 1hat are my hanes that they will also have Aspergers Syndrome?:
%any of us have been diagnosed after having children' particularly if we had a child who was diagnosed as having an Autism
Spectrum Disorder. <hile there are no statistics on the li*elihood of aspies having ASD children in general' the statistics for parents
of autistic children (at least some of whom are probably undiagnosed aspies) run between 2"C? for Autistic Disorder' and up to #$?
for ASD and 8language delays9. (here is also no data on how our 8neurotypical9 children turn out' but personal stories told by those
on the spectrum of their children seem to indicate that these children pic* up the body language and other social information they need
from the outside world and do not suffer any 8adverse effects9 from their parent(s) autistic characteristics.
1here an I go to get the support that I need to live in a neurotypial world?:
IDisclaimer. 4ecause something is listed does not imply that it is endorsed or even *nown to live up to whatever claims are made as
regards providing needed support. (hey are listed because they are *nown through word"of"mouth to e0ist. t is your responsibility to
chec* out these servicesBagencies for yourself to determine if they could be of any help to you. f there are resources for adults that
you are aware of that should be included here' or e0cluded' please contact sgoluboc*,Rmsn.com or gpcasaRhotmail.com J
Greater %hoeni& .hapter ;G%.< o$ the Autism Soiety o$ Ameria: (his group is for all people interested in autism' including
parents of childrenBadults' and people with autismBAspergers. %onthly meetings' newsletter' annual conference. !all (D$1) +,$"
#$+2 http.BBwww.ph0autism.org
"uson .hapter o$ the Autism Soiety o$ Ameria' (C1$) >>$"#C,#. (his group serves people with autism of all ages' and holds
monthly meetings. www.tucsonautism.org
Asperger %arent /etwor!' resource for families and professionals in the Areater Phoeni0 Area. %onthly meetings' e"group and web
site. www.apn.150m.com
Autism Assistane %rogram " (his program provides financial assistance to low"income children and adults with autismBAspergerNs
who live in Ari/ona. (he program is funded by a ta0"credit in Ari/ona. (a0"payers may donate up to S1$$ per year' and receive a
dollar"for"dollar reduction in their ta0esQ i.e.' donate S1$$' and pay S1$$ less in Ari/ona ta0es.
http.BBwww.eas.asu.eduBTautismBAA7ABAA7A.html.
=mily Anderson *amily >earning .enter: a lending library for information on disabilities. :ocated on the main corridor of
Phoeni0 !hildrens Gospital' #+#+ 6. (homas 5d' Phoeni0 (S< corner of 1$
th
St and (homas 5oad). !all them at D$1"C,D"#,$$ for
hours. http.BBwww.ph0childrens.comBaboutBservicesBemilycenterB
1illiam Gra$$' =d.D.' <ell 4eing Systems' 1>$# 6ast !amelbac* 5oad' Phoeni0' AM EC$#D' Phone. (D$1) +C>"12DE.
%hoeni& %ubli >ibrary: Speial /eeds .enter: #11# K. !entral Ave.' Phoeni0' AM EC$$,' (el. D$1"1D#"ED+$' 7a0. D$1"C2,",C1$'
6"mail. mmccainRph0lib.org
Ari-ona .enter $or Disability >aw: Advocates for the legal rights of persons with disabilities to #) be free from abuse' neglect and
discrimination and 1) have access to education' health care' housing and 3obs' and other services in order to ma0imi/e independence
and achieve e@uality' http.BBwww.acdl.comB' Phoeni0. D$1) 1>,"D1E> (ucson. (C1$) 21>"+C,>
.ounil $or Jews with Speial /eeds: Provides a range of services' ,E$"D1+"C2,2. www.c3sn.orgB. 6mail. infoRc3sn.org. #1>$#
Korth Scottsdale 5d.' Suite 1$C' Scottsdale' AM EC1C,.
Ari-ona Division o$ Developmental Disabilities ;DDD<. Provides many services to people with developmental disabilities' including
speech therapy' physical therapy' and occupational therapy. D$1"E>$"#>1#
Soial Seurity Disability %rogram. !ontact #"E$$">>1"#1#2. http.BBwww.ssa.govBapplyfordisabilityBadult.htm
#ental 0ealth Assoiation o$ Ari-ona
D,## 6. (homas 5d.' Scottsdale' AM EC1C#' (el. ,E$"++,",,$>. 7a0. ,E$"++,",>,,. 6"mail. 3sinclairRmhaari/ona.orgQ web site.
www.mhaari/ona.org
>i$e Development Institute: =ffers basic life training and training for employment. !ontact 5ob !rawford' %.6d.' !hief 60ecutive
=fficer' #E$$# K. >+
th
Ave.' 6">#' Alendale' AM EC2$E' rcrawfordRlife"development"inst.org' www.life"development"inst.org' Phone
(D12) >>2"1>>,' 7a0 (D12) >>2"1>EE.
?upational "herapy ;Sensory Integration< @
"he .hildrens .enter $or /eurodevelopment Studies U =ffers occupational therapy' music therapy' speech therapy and
horticultural therapy services which focus on the sensory processing strengths and limitations of those on the spectrum and
development of a Sensory Diet to improve ones ability to stay functional. http.BBwww.thechildrenscentera/.org. CD$ <.
4rown 5d.' Suite ,$$>' %esa' AM EC1$#' ,E$"2#C"$>2$Q or C,2$ <. Alenn Dr.' Alendale' AM EC2$#' D12"+#C"$2,C.
Baio =nterprises' In.' %arti A. 4aio' %.A.' !!!"S:P' Director
Pediatric Speech V =ccupational (herapy' Adult (herapy
#>,C S. Alma School 5d.' Suite #,C' %esa' AM EC1#$' (el (,E$) +D2"2D2,' 7a0 (,E$) ECC"E2E, www.baioenterprises.com
Auditory Integration "raining A
0arper 0earing Servies' Sandra Ann %arper #$$> 6ast <arner 5oad' Ste. #$C' (empe' AM EC1E,"21,1' ph. ,E$"E2E"
#1#1' fa0. ,E$"E2E",22,' email. saharperRdancris.com
Rebecca D. Welker, M.S., CCC/SLP' #>+# 6ast Gampton' (ucson' AM EC>#+
ph. C1$"21C",,$1' fa0. C1$"212"D+#C' email. speechby5D<Raol.com
%remier .are 2ehab' -ristin Davis-Cole #$1, <illow !ree* 5oad' Suite D' Prescott' AM ED2$#' ph. C1$">>E"+DDD' fa0.
C1$">>#"+D1$
/aturopaths' 0omeopaths B Soures $or /utritional Supplements @
#i&tures %harmay B .ompounding .enter U speciali/es in medication not available in the traditional retail settingQ
focuses on sensitivitiesBallergies as well as supplements' secretin' and chelation therapy. #DC#C S. ,$
th
St.' W#12' Phoeni0' AM
EC$,E. (el. ,E$">$D"$D1$' 7a0. ,E$">$D"$,E+' 6"mail. pharmacistRmi0turesr0.comQ <eb site. www.mi0turesr0.com.
#esa 0ealth and 1ellness .enter' Dr. Sung' Dr. Armanti' and Dr. 5odrigue/' (naturopathic doctors) CD$ <. 4rown 5d.'
Suite 2$$D' %esa' AM EC1$#' ,E$",D#"#1CC.
Stanley 2. ?ls-tyn' #.D.;0.<' %... ' Preventative %edicine' ,2C$ 6. !amelbac*' 5d.' Suite 4"11$' Phoeni0' EC$#E' Phone
(D$1) E,$"E,1,' 7a0 (D$1) E,$"EC,C
Stephen Davidson' D.?.' #.D. ;h<' .@S%?##' #2$2 <. 4ethany Gome 5d.' (D$1) 1,D"E+>>. Speciali/es in homeopathic
medicine and osteopathic manipulative medicine including the cranial concept. Ge uses natural methods to help restore
normal function. http.BBwww.Gealthabounds1.com.
"odd 2owe' #.D.;0.<' ..0' D0=' Gomeopathy' CC$# K. #+
th
Ave.' W,1C' (D$1) ED,"#>>D
Ari-ona 2esoures $rom the /ational Dissemination .enter $or .hildren with Disabilities ;/I.0.C< website:
State Doational 2ehabilitation Ageny' S*ip 4ingham' Administrator
5ehabilitation Services Administration' Department of 6conomic Security
#>E+ <. Fefferson' 1nd 7loor' K< (+2$A)' Phoeni0' AM EC$$>'
(D$1) C,1"2221Q (E$$) CD2"#11#' 6"mail. sbinghamRa/des.gov
<eb. www.de.state.a/.usBrsa
State Developmental Disabilities %rogram' 5ic Maharia' Assistant Director
Department of 6conomic Security' Division of Developmental Disabilities
P.=. 4o0 D#12' Site !ode (>+#A)' Phoeni0' AM EC$$C
(D$1) C,1"DEC2' <eb. www.de.state.a/.usBddd
2egional ADA B I" "ehnial Assistane .enter' 6rica !. Fones' Director
Pacific Disability and 4usiness (echnical Assistance !enter' Public Gealth nstitute' CCC #1th Street' Suite #$2$' =a*land'
!A +,D$>",$,D' (C#$) 1EC"CD$$ (&B((L)Q (E$$) +,+",121 (&B((L)' 6"mail. adatechRpdbtac.com'
<eb. www.pacdbtac.org
"ehnology@2elated Assistane' Fill S. =berstein' Director' 5andy !ollins' =utreachB(raining !oordinator' 6d %yers'
Policy and 7unding Specialist
Ari/ona (echnology Access Program (AM(AP)' ,#$C K. 1$th Street' Suite 1D$
Phoeni0' AM EC$#D' (D$1) >1E"+C2,Q (D$1) >1E"+C2D (((L)
(E$$) ,>>"++1# (toll"free)' 6"mail. 3ill.obersteinRnau.edu' <eb. www.nau.eduBihdBa/tapB
To find out the contact information for the Statewide Indeendent Li!in" Council #SILC$ in %our &tate, contact'
ndependent :iving 5esearch ;tili/ation Pro3ect' (he nstitute for 5ehabilitation and 5esearch' 1212 South Sheppard' Suite
#$$$' Gouston' (X >>$#+' (>#2) C1$"$121 (&)Q (>#2) C1$"C#2D (((L)' 6"mail. ilruRilru.org' <eb. www.ilru.org
To find out the contact information for center& for indeendent li!in" #CIL&$ in %our &tate, contact'
Kational !ouncil on ndependent :iving' #+#D <ilson 4oulevard' Suite 1$+
Arlington' &A 111$#' (>$2) C1C"2,$DQ (>$2) C1C",#C2 (((L)' 6"mail. ncilRncil.org' <eb. www.ncil.org
1here an I read more about these topis?:
AB?E" AS%=2G=2S SC/D2?#=:
(ony Attwood' Asperger*s Syndrome: A .uide for Parents and Professionals' (#++E) Fessica Hingsley Publishers'
www.3*p.com
H. Stewart' %elping a Child !ith (onver'al Learning Disorder or Asperger*s Syndrome: A Parent*s .uide' (1$$1) Kew
Garbinger Publications' www.newharbinger.com
>IDI/G 1I"0 AS%=2G=2S SC/D2?#=:
:. Golliday <illey' Pretending to 'e (ormal (#+++) Fessica Hingsley Publishers' www.3*p.com
Ferry Kewport' Your Life is (ot a La'el: A .uide to Living &ully !ith Autism and Asperger*s Syndrome for Parents
Professionals and You/ 7uture Gori/ons' nc.' www.7utureGori/ons"autism.com.
Stephen Shore' "eyond the 0all: Personal 1,periences !ith Autism and Asperger Syndrome (#+D#) Autism Asperger
Publishing !o.' www.asperger.net
(emple Arandin' Thinking 2n Pictures: and 3ther 4eports from $y Life !ith Autism (#++D) &intage 4oo*s.
Fean Hearns %iller' editor' 0omen from Another Planet: 3ur Lives in the 5niverse of Autism67889: #st"ooks Li'rary)
4ight Address ))) 0rong Planet: Children !ith Asperger Syndrome "ecoming Adults by Aena 4arnhill
&reaks .eeks and Asperger Syndrome: A 5ser .uide to Adolescence by :u*e Fac*son
.?>>=G=' 1?2F A/D AS%=2G=2S SC/D2?#=:
(emple Arandin V Hate Duffy' Developing Talents: Careers for 2ndividuals !ith Asperger Syndrome and %igh-&unctioning
Autism (1$$,) Autism Asgerger Publishing !o.' www.asperger.net
%o! to &ind 0ork That 0orks for People !ith Asperger Syndrome: The 5ltimate .uide for .etting People 0ith Asperger
Syndrome into the 0orkplace 6and -eeping Them There/: by Aail Gaw*ins. www.ama/on.com
Stephen %. Shore (editor)' Ask and Tell: Self-Advocacy and Disclosure for People on the Autism Spectrum' (1$$,) Autism
Asperger Publishing !o.' www.asperger.net
Succeeding in College 0ith Asperger Syndrome by Fohn Garpur' %aria :awlor' %ichael 7it/gerald
1mployment for 2ndividuals 0ith Asperger Syndrome or (on-;er'al Learning Disa'ility: Stories and Strategies by Lvona
7ast
A<uamarine "lue =: Personal Stories of College Students 0ith Autism by Dawn Prince"Gughes
2=>A"I?/S0I%S A/D AS%=2G=2S SC/D2?#=:
F. Kewport and %. Kewport' Autism-Asperger*s + Se,uality (1$$1) 7uture Gori/ons' www.futurehori/ons"autism.com.
Feanette %cAfee' (avingating the Social 0orld: A Curriculum for 2ndividuals !ith Asperger*s Syndrome %igh &unctioning
Autism and 4elated Disorders' (1$$1) 7uture Gori/ons' nc.' www.futurehori/ons"autism.com
The 3ther %alf of Asperger Syndrome: A guide to an 2ntimate 4elationship !ith a Partner !ho has Asperger Syndrome by
%a0ine !. Aston
Aspergers in Love: Couple 4elationships and &amily Affairs by %a0ine Aston
An Asperger $arriage by Aisela Slater"<al*er
Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term 4elationships by Ashley Stanford' :iane Golliday <illey
Asperger Syndrome in the &amily: 4edefining (ormal by :iane Golliday <illey
Loving $r) Spock: 5nderstanding an Aloof Lover' by 4arbara Facobs
>IDI/G I/ A /=E2?"C%I.A> 1?2>D 1I"0 AS%=2G=2S SC/D2?#=:
(eresa 4olic*' Asperger Syndrome and Adolescence: %elping Preteens and Teens .et 4eady for the 4eal 0orld' (1$$#) 7air
<inds Press' Aloucester' %A
F. Dimitrius and %. %a//arella' 4eading People: %o! to 5nderstand People and Predict Their "ehavior>Anytime
Anyplace (#+++) 4allantine Publishing Aroup' www.randomhouse.comB44B
4renda Smith %yles' %elissa :. (rautman' 5onda :. Schelvan' The %idden Curriculum: Practical Solutions for
5nderstanding 5nstated 4ules in Social Situaitons Autism Asperger Publishing !ompany (1$$,).
5ebe*ah Geinrichs' Perfect Targets: Asperger Syndrome and "ullying (1$$2) Autism Asperger Publishing !o.
"0= BI?.0=#IS"2C ?* AE"IS#
Children !ith Starving "rains by Fac@uelyn %c!andless' %.D.
"iological "asis of Autism by <illiam Shaw' Ph.D.' available from Areat Plains :aboratory (+#2) 2,#"E+,+'
www.greatplainslaboratory.com
S=/S?2C ISSE=S I/ AE"IS#3AS%=2G=2S SC/D2?#=:
4. Smith %yles' H. (apscott !oo*' K. 6. %iller' :. 5inner' :. A. 5obbins' Asperger Syndrome and Sensory 2ssues: Practical
Solutions for $aking Sense of the 0orld' (1$$$) Autism Asperger Publishing !o.' www.asperger.net
F. :. Savner' and 4. Smith %yles' $aking ;isual Supports 0ork in the %ome and Community: Startegies for 2ndividuals
!ith Autism and Asperger Syndrome' (1$$$) Autism Asperger Publishing !o.' www.asperger.net
G. rlen' 4eading 'y the Colors: 3vercoming Dysle,ia and 3ther 4eading Disa'ilities Through the 2rlen $ethod' (#++#)
Avery Publishing Aroup' nc.' Aarden !ity Par*' KL.
A. 4erard' %earing 1<uals "ehavior' (#++2) Heats Publishing nc.' Kew !anaan' !onnecticut
Aail Aillingham' Autism: %andle !ith Care/ (#++E' 2
rd
edition)' (acit Publications' nc.' 6dmonton' Alberta' !anada
A!nowledgement: (he authors than* the Autism Assistance Program for supporting and encouraging the development of this
article.