The author is a semi-retired Public Servant.

After taking early retirement he has begun to pursue a

variety of interests, one of which has been to indulge in
some creative written work.
The writer has always had an interest in storytelling
and literature, specifically the farfetched variety.
In addition he has always maintained a passion for all
aspects of the Arts he is also a close friend and
confidante of Al !righton, the Shrewsbury based
conceptual artist.
"r. #ubbals lives with his wife and two special needs
pets in the $%ffete South of %ngland.&
To my beautiful wife ' who probably doesn&t realise
that I have had a book published.
Pr e s t o n Gu b b a l s
A T H R U S H U P M Y
A R S E
(opyright Preston #ubbals
The right of Preston #ubbals to be identified as author of this
work has been asserted by him in accordance with section )) and
)* of the (opyright, +esigns and Patents Act ,-**.
All rights reserved. .o part of this publication may be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any
form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying,
recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the
publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthori/ed act in relation to this
publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims
for damages.
A (IP catalogue record for this title is available from the !ritish
0ibrary.
IS!. -)* ,*1-23 ),2 -
www.austinmacauley.com
4irst Published 567,18
Austin "acauley Publishers 0td.
69 (anada S:uare
(anary ;harf
0ondon
%,1 90!
Printed and bound in #reat !ritain
Chapter One
The Consultation
<ow long ago it seems, how long.
0ike a reverie of dull imagined things, a world and an age
ago ' more distant than dysentery.
<ow did it all start=
I had been out of sorts as I discovered like many ladies of
advancing middle years, I was lacking.
0acking> emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I had sought a consultation with the eminent and slightly
disreputable physician, +r %li?ah "c4igeon.
<e e@amined me stoop to stern and aft to poop deck his
nicotined fingers giving me a virtuoso poking like a violin
prodigy with leprosy.
<e bent me over and thrust a rigid ob?ect into my delicate
derniere, saying soothingly beforehand> AThis&ll fucking hurtB.
<ow right he was.
After that most thorough, intimate and painful of
e@aminations, looking flushed and a tad ashamed, he intoned>
ACe&ve got menopause "iss 4akewitt, and no& the trivial
sort either. It isnae helped by living in the effete Sooth o&
%ngland either.
;hit ye need tae dae is tae gang tae a remote Scottish
island where ye get the soft southern-ness kicked oot of you.B
"y mind was in a frothing turmoil, a milliard :uestions
assailed my febrile cerebrella.
ADIs this menopause terminal=B
ADIs there any other cure=B
AD;hat did you insert into my plopper=B
;ere amongst the :uestions I thrust at this venerable
healer.
<e intoned again> AThere&s an auld Scottish medical
saying> whit disnae kill ye, disnae kill ye now fuck offE That
will be forty-one guineas.B
0eaving the esteemed place of healing, my mind began to
race like a frog in a chariot.
A"enopause, menopause, menopause, menopauseB.
A.o& the trivial sort, no& the trivial sort, no& the trivial sort,
etc.B
AFemote Scottish Island, Femote Scottish Island, Femote
Scottish Island, and so on.B
+espite the irritating repetitiveness of my thoughts, I made
a resolution.
I went straight to my local news vendor and purchased a
copy of the renowned Scottish scandal sheet> $The (outhy&.
;ith fingers trembling like a ?ellyfish with Parkinson&s
disease I went straight to the classified section and viewed the
advertisement that changed my 0ife.
Chapter Two
Tea and Cucumbers
<ortense ;itherminge was my oldest, dearest and malodourest
companion.
As was customary we would meet of an evening to partake
of cucumbers and steamy cups of 0ady #rey.
ACou cannot be serious, 4anny,B she e?aculated.
To lighten the atmosphere I said>
A(ome again=B
She reiterated and I giggled like a school girl.
A4anny, you know that +r. "c4igeon has been struck off
for a number of years.
4urthermore, he has twenty suits of malpractice pending
yet you take heed of his demented ravings as if he were the
Grifice of +elphic.
<e is a charlatan and has been detained on five separate
occasions at St. %lspeth&s the Imbalanced.B
AIt was meant to be, Tensey, read the encircled classified
from this (aledonian rag.B
<er bemused scowl scanned the second from last page of
the proffered periodical.
I noticed that her ankles were twitching spasmodically and
therefore knew she was reading the ' $"an with immense
croft& advertisement.
A.ot that one dear,B I e?aculated for the sake of it,
Athe one that is two and a bit columns beyond that the one
that begins> Tran:uillity awaits.B
<er ankles bestilled themselves, she then read aloud, with
a hint of sardonic amusement>
ATFA.HII0ITC A;AITSE
AF% C% STF%SS%+ ;IT< 0IJI.# I. T<% %44%T%
SGGT<=
IS IT A S0G;%F PA(% G4 0I4% T<AT C% AF%
;A.TI.&=
T<%. 0GGK .A% 4IFT<%FE
T<% F%"GT% IS0A.+ G4 SPI.K%, 0G.#
(G.SI+%F%+ TG !% T<% <G"% G4 T<% PG%T.
IS .G; AJAI0A!0%.
A (G.J%FT%+ PI##%FC G. T<IS ;I.+S;%PT
PAFA+IS%, (GI0+ !% CGIFS.
4or further details, contact>
"rs Seagga !anno@,
cLo> #rannies <eilan& <airdressers,
0ower G@ter,
Spunke Island.
Scotland.B
Tensey gasped and e?aculated>
AGh, 4anny, do not even contemplate this rash adventure.
Cou are an effete Southerner the peasant life would not suit
you. ;hat with grubbing fer crummocks and huntin& fer
tatties the peasant life is not for you you would not last a
week. 4anny, I entreat you, do not even contemplate itEB
I +I+.
Chapter Three
The Letter
<aving written to "rs !anno@, I eagerly anticipated a
response, until the fateful day whenD.
"y heart was careening like an adolescent lemming
regarding its very first rock face.
;hence I first beheld the envelope bearing the proud
Spunke post mark.
The very sight of the postage stamp proudly displaying an
astonished ptarmigan my very ducts seeped with an e@cited
vapour.
"y hand was twitching at the end of a tremulous wrist as I
inserted my letter knife trepidatiously into the inviting slit of
the sticky pudenda of the envelope.
I greedily fingered the missive inside, then slowly but
surely withdrew the enticing parchment.
The paper was yellowed and redolent of week old
haddock.
"oistness oo/ed from my pores and orifices as I ga/ed
upon the spidery ?ottings.
After eight attempts, I was able to decipher the scrawl it
went thusly>
Dear Miss Fakewitt,
Thankings to you Forbye.
Blessings upon your crusty fud, for the sureness of this
being gracious.
Could we well accommodate you
The sea shells are aboon the minglings! Forbye, and my
brother, "astus, is wont to beat his swollen Buckies upon the
shingle.
#t bothers no one, but can scare the gulls, $ye.
#f yer wanting for the shoppin% there is a bonny wee store
that is occasional open.
&lease send plentiful monies in notes, in order tae a'oid
the disappointment.
May the harling on yer dowp, aye be clinkered.
"especkfully yourres%
Banno(. ). *Mrs+.
&.). There%s a Thrush up my $rse
Tensey was cucumbering with me and read the missive
she snorted derisively>
AGh, 4anny, this woman is a savage, how can you even
consider venturing to this land of !arbarian.
The woman sounds moronic and her grammar is shite.
Feverse your folly, change your mind, and do not even
consider this destructive course of action.B
"y cheeks reddened, ire was mounting in my throat I
e@claimed and e?aculated simultaneously>
AI&m going, <ortense ;itherminge, were I not determined
previously. .ow I shall grasp this adventure as surely as the
salmon taunts the otterEB
Tensey sucked on her cucumber pensively and muttered
darkly>
ASo be it.B
Thus it wasD
"y mind made upD
I went ahead andD
+id itD CesE
Chapter Four
Farewells and ,ew Beginnings
I had thereafter bade au-revoir to my beloved <ortense, I
mounted a stately !rougham which would transport me to the
start of a brand new commencement.
A hint of perspiration pricked my sloping forehead,
glowing mildly, which complimented the pendulous sweat
rings that had decorated the armpit area of my tweed blouson.
A;<AT I. #G+&S <G0C .A"% AF% CGI +GI.#
4A..C 4AK%;ITT=B
I screamed internally at myself in the comfort of the
!rougham.
I took in a goodly breath and responded tartly to myself in
a brogues and no nonsense sort of voice>
A4rances +iddler 4akewitt, yes, you are a maiden lady well
beyond your prime yes, you have thus regarded adventure like
a spasm in a ?am pot yes, you are off to a barren land
inhabited by savages.
So ;hat 4anny 4akewittE (are not a fig and let fate take
the hind:uarters.B
"y abrupt panic thus diminished.
I thence went from the ta@i to the Failroad terminus,
thence onward yet again to the wonder that wasD (astlemilk
International Airdrome.
I beheld with rapture the magnificent machine that
comprised one of the fleet of three air vessels owned by
Spunke Airways.
Gn the rust coloured tailfin was pictured a finger
ascending.
!elow, in classic type, was the legend picked out in urine-
yellow lettering>
$;e <ope Tae Stay Ip.&
<ow inspirationalE
Gn boarding the craft I encountered a hatchet-faced
stewardess who pointed to the back of the aeroplane
instructing me to>
A#et to the back seat as there is already a fat bMstard up
frontB.
I entreated her to a disparaging and withering glare
Then I meekly took my station with customary good grace
and adopted the $brace position&.
Prior to take off the pilot gave off an uncomfortable and
trepidatious announcement>
AThe periodic and intermittent bouts of stability, will only
briefly punctuate the prolonged bouts of hefty turbulenceD
%n?oy the flight.B
Though made of stern stuff, I confess ' I soiled myself.
I shall not dwell on the short but harrowing flight suffice
to say that I only ceased from regurgitating on arrival in the
Spunke Air Terminal buildings.
I had however, filled all the vomit containers on the
$planeD To the very brimsE
<ow can I describe my first view of Spunke, admittedly it
was through regurgitation-reddened eye balls. .onetheless, the
malelo:uence of the fog-shrouded vista spoke douchingly to
me, saying>
A4anny, 4anny, 4annyD This is the 4ITIF%EEEEEEB
Absorbed was I in my musings, when I then started as a
gruff voice e?aculated>
A;ould ye be wishing a "otor Jehicle "istress=B
I stare into the gaunt and haunted face of a rough-hewn,
weather-beaten visage of the fellow addressing me.
AAre you addressing me=B I coolly e?aculated in turn.
AAye.B <e retorted, with nary a pause to e@pectorate a
thick gobbet of phlegm on the moist tar-macadamia.
A weak ray of sunlight permeated the haar momentarily
glinting lovingly on the recumbent film of mucous. The beam
etched the delicate yellow traceries of spit, redolent of a
buttercup in a condom.
I was brought round from my poetic musings by a sharp
and pungent eructation of wind from my soon-to-be chauffeur.
ACe&ll be wantin& "istress Seagga !anno@&s residence
wull ye=B he continued, punctuating his words alternately with
e@pectoration and eructation 5I noted furtively that he
pronounced my landlady&s name as $Shagga&8.
AIs it far=B I asked :uerulously.
A.ae really, but the way ah&m taken ye it&ll cost ye a
fuckin& fortune.B
I smiled beguilingly, making the pretence that I
comprehended this belching ruffian but also internally berated
myself for not having a smattering of the #uarlic.B
;e drove on for what appeared to be an eternity, with the
tariff meter clicking often and fre:uently like the proverbial
cricket on a barbecue. I confess to feeling somewhat bemused
that we had travelled in e@cess of three hours on an island that
was si@ miles by twoE
4inally through mist enshrouded bracken I espied a rustic
neon sign proclaiming>
$#rannies <eilan& <airdressers&.
I e?aculated inwardly>
AAlmost there 4anny-4an.B
After a goodly five hours and having clocked up>
A4orty-eight poonds, Thrippence ha&penny and twa
4arthings,B which represented my final fare, I coughed up, and
then paid the money owing finally coming face to face with
my soon to be walnut-faced landlady.
This was it D
The start of the beginning of
"C .%; (G""%.(%"%.TE